Narcissist's Romantic Jealousy as Negative Fantasy
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- Опубліковано 14 кві 2023
- Need to be seen (even via self-supply own-audience) vs. need to not be seen by others and/or by oneself to avoid shame.
Relationships (including therapy) are about being seen: provoke dissonance, even threat (being seen and seeing oneself which trigger life-threatening shame).
Shame is gap in perception of how you should be (ego ideal) vs. belief that you are not as you ought to be.
Guilt goes with shame, shame can go without guilt or projected guilt (accusing others for causing one shame, mistreating one).
Ego ideal can be realistic and healthy or entitled and fantastic. Gap with reality generates concatenated shame (self-loathing) and anxiety in the wake of (sets up for) failure or avoidance.
Solutions: Change fantasy or Change reality.
Fantasy inversion owing to intolerable grandiosity gap: from positive to negative (cognitive dissonance).
Narcissist’s self-perception is never real, only fantastic (all-positive aggrandizing godlike or total bad object).
Easier to match negative fantasy with reality. Restores calm and safety (my self-judgment is correct).
The negative fantasy is also grandiose: uniquely self-destructive and self-defeating bad object. Success in realizing it is self-supply.
When life matches fantasy, it yields comfortable ego syntony and makes it difficult to change one’s life.
Negative fantasies create shame because it follows a failure with a positive fantasy.
Cathecting the negative fantasy proportional to shame regarding the failed positive fantasy.
Positive fantasy: gap with reality; Negative fantasy: gap with abandoned positive fantasy.
Self-fulfilling prophecy: behaviors determined to avoid dissonance with the negative fantasy.
Romantic jealousy is a negative fantasy
Cost of the negative fantasy: dissociation and identity disturbance.
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Your insights!your sense of humour !your videos !you taking your time to share all that you share with us !..I love knowledge and depth .,glad I came across you ..I adore you very much Sam ...Immense love from Africa💕🙌🙌
A huge black cloud of distortion and contortion has just turned into a silver lining of explanation for me. Thank you 🙏
God is good amen
One thing I admire about the narcissists I've known...They were able to bypass the constant internal self analysis that is an affliction others suffer from .
Brilliant and so true. At first, you think it’s confidence, but later you know it’s a tactic
Brilliant insight again, Prof.Vaknin. Thank you for sharing it with us all.
This lecture integrates my understanding of how, what might occur as narcissistic states, can seem to morph into psychopathic states as decades go by, and the psychopathic states seem to escalate consistently over time, as well, rendering more pernicious harm and danger to the ‘ insignificant other(s).’ It is very frightening and debilitating to the victim, and helps one understand the development of, and effect of, what might seem to be, Stockholm Syndrome, and why you say one must abandon the abuser.
Thank you, Professor, once again, for sharing your phenomenal insights within the public domain. Your contributions are transforming lives through building awareness and practical, life-affirming skills.🌷
I enjoy watching your videos, I learn a lot about myself each time.. you help so many people discover depth of their minds and behaviors.. thank you so much 😊
Thank you for sharing your academic insight, warmth and good humor.
Guten Tag, Dr. Sam !
I am a new subscriber and have watched for a week your old and latest Videos, i spend 3 hours a day until i fall asleep. I’ve learned a lot from you and your channel is the best when it comes to Narcissm and Cluster B personalities explanation.
How i wish there’s a German Professor that can explain these topics, like you did.
Grüße aus Konstanz, DE
Danke für diesen wichtigen und gehaltvollen Vortrag, vor allem was das Verhältnis von Scham und Schuld anbetrifft!
Ich erlaube mir eine persönliche Anmerkung zur hier sehr negativen Sicht auf das Phänomen der „Eifersucht“.
Dass sich in mir „romantische Eifersucht“ einstellt („negative fantasy“) hat doch Wurzeln in der mir konkret begegnenden Realität meines Partners, der sich offen oder verdeckt gerne mit anderen Frauen umgibt, trifft, sich zu ihnen hingezogen fühlt … und er mich das auch fühlen lässt!
Auf einem solchen Nährboden entstehen ganz natürlich „negative Fantasien“, die auch eine gesunde Warn- und Schutzfunktion für mich haben!
Für mich ist an dieser Stelle noch nichts Krankhaftes oder Persönlichkeitsgestörtes zu erkennen.
Wie ich dann mit diesen „negativen“ Fantasien und einem Partner, der diese bewusst in mir auslösen möchte, umgehe, da bin ich in meiner Klarheit und Entscheidungsfähigkeit gefordert.
Ich habe meinen Lebensgefährten, der durch seinen „Harem“ sich ein Schutzschild aufgebaut und mich eifersüchtig gemacht hat, nach mehreren Chancen in die Wüste geschickt.
Der innere Kampf in mir bis zu dieser Ent - Scheidung war schwierig (voller Scham- und Schuldgefühle!), aber jetzt fühle ich mich wunderbar und frei!
Ohne „Eifersucht“ hätte ich nicht die Energie für diesen wichtigen „Reinigungsprozess“ bekommen, mich von diesem „Frauen - Helden“ äußerlich und innerlich zu trennen!
Prof Vaknin, thank you so much ,as always excellently insightful. You obviously realise there are many people out there within the Cluster B personality disorders diagnosis who veer between NPD and BPD etc, so search for someone like you for insight. Thank you so much.
profesorze, dziękuję,bo zaczynam pojmować o co chodzi
Prof. Please could u talk about incest among narcs ?
Sweet home Alabama
By the way, your hair is looking awesome , dr 🤭😎
Just opening the videos and hearing your comments about your "mood as the weather" 😅 it is a cure! Thank you. Self Humor is as kindness the greatest form of intelligence " wisdom.
Can you please do a lecture on bad friendships? I'm really struggling with one-sidedness in a lot of relationships in my life, I am comfortable being or feeling alone but not all the time.
This sounded so familiar …. I remember when a “friend “ of mine , whom I did not know at the time, but I am quite sure now is a full blown narcissist , put a photo with a devil filter on his stories, on social media. He often mentioned how bad he was in a variety of ways… only second to satan himself. The worse part is that I get him a lot. I got lots of bad feedback as a child and ranged from being invisible at home , to being mocked or criticized way to often. At least that is how it felt. It makes it a whole lot easier to just say scr*w everyone… let’s just be evil and everything will be alright.
thank you, yet again, for another great video! I wish you all the best!
Thanks Sam.
Thank you Professor. Your presentations are so helpful. I am about to order some of your books❤❤❤❤
Wow!!! I can totally relate to everything you said. I’m not a narcissist. I have so many memory gaps… sometimes I wonder if I even was a child 😂. I am half kidding. I do remember, however , feeling so ashamed for things that happened to me , that I would say to myself: I will not remember this tomorrow. And by two or three days those things were completely forgotten. I know I do dissociate a lot. It is probably a trait of CPTSD. I am horribly jealous, avoidant (of reality), etc. I would not say I can be considered healthy in any way. Not emotionally, in any case . 🙈 Thanks for sharing your knowledge . I suppose being aware of these problems is a first step towards healing ❤️🩹
Hey Professor thanks for all your lectures. Could you please do a video about the deception of empathy, the intersubjectivity agreement, connection?
Could you please search the channel?
Brilliant
What city are you in now? Love this space, rent this one!
Prof. Vaknin, I binged watch your videos in the past 2 weeks and couldn't stop! Absolutely enlightening! Would letting the narcissist know they might have personality disorder cause narcissistic injury or mortification? If the narcissist is getting psychiatric and psychological help on depression would the psychiatrist/psychologist detect their NPD characteristics in any form of tests/assessment?
A certain cohort of stunning & brave men?
Did she fall, or was she pushed?