Thanks for this video..I am 64 years old, and now in a marriage for the last 10 yrs, 2nd marriage, and never knew there was a name for what I am going through, it all made so much sense to me, I cried in the middle of watching, seeing myself in this kind of relationship, and realizing it's not ME! You have given me the tools/information to no longer think I'm the crazy one! Thank you so much! On reflecting over my life, I realize I have been gaslighted all my life. Through my childhood till present.I will try and now find my own truth, won't be easy, but I now have a much better understanding!
I feel ur pain, I am 65 years old and after the death of my husband of 30 yrs...found myself in a relationship with a Narcissist...thank goodness I broke it off after a year...then I started to research this subject...never hear of it before and was shocked to see what it was and how it works...I started to do some much needed soul searching of myself and grew as a person...yes it is lonely sometimes, but I will never lose who I am for another person...I have my family and a few close friends, and I still explore my feelings and my truth...no man or woman is worth losing yourself....Peace and Love to You! I will keep you in my heart! there is a very good book that helped me called "Love Warrior" by Glennon Doyle Melton....I borrowed from my local library to read....
Sometimes it helps to talk to a therapist about your relationship patterns in order to change what doesn't work for you (or hurts you). Good luck and take good care!
susan ptashkin I myself found out 2 months ago.. never thought there was any such thing.. i used to joke with my friends and 'i wish there was a group like AA but an insecurity anonymous group for ppl like me lol' Wow now i know im not alone. I can change and so can you! All the best xxx
Out standing,this is the first time in my life that some one intelligent like you have validated my emotions and thought thankyou once again you have increased my self respect
Gaslighting is a brand new concept for me. Your video is the first one on youtube that gives a clear and concise definition. So many videos throwing the term around - thank you for your explanation.
Thank you for making this video. I found it very helpful. I was divorced three years ago, and I am still trying to grasp what happened to me. I saw my parents go through the endless cycle of marriage and divorce. I'm done with relationships...never again, for me. Been there and done that. I'm over it.
I felt like you were talking directly to me and my experiences in my most recent relationships. Thank you for sharing this. I wrote down and will be practicing the 13 steps!
you put the information together so clearly. please make more videos! there are so many videos on YT about this subject, but your are the only ones that get straight to the matter!
validation! my relationships with my xhusband,friends, and coworkers, all of them had these gaslight qualities. I was shamed for expressing myself. I completely lost who I was because everyone and everything was an illusion.these people chewed me up and spit me out when I had issues about the stuff that was going on, and dared to speak up. . I spiraled into a 2 year suicidal depression, I'm better, much, but I'm still being drawn to unavailable men that shut me down. but at least I'm recognizing the patterns, and not thinking it's all me, great work you do!!! thank you.....❤
I have been going on this whole learning journey this year because of the essential information I've found from psychologists, life coaches, etc from people like yourself and others. And for many months I've heard the term gaslighting, and know what it means and could envision it. But it wasn't till i heard your video, that i realized i experienced it in my 2 marriages. Religion played a part in the first one though. And in some ways, my mom did it. I love her very much and she's a very good person, but if she was always changing and controlling my reality. When you talked about being an empath, i have had that as an influencing factor in my compassion for the other person always. But unfortunately i allowed my needs be trumpted by another. Thank you. Such an awakening.
Great examples and thank you for stressing the severity of the damage caused by this. It's horrible to be betrayed without acknowledgement but to twist it around is cruel.
I was attacked by a psychopath and then got ptsd and anxiety and didn't sleep for weeks and felt like I was going crazy which opened me up to more gaslighting. These people are sadistic. Scary beyond the average person to even imagine.
Excellent video Kristin. You really do explain things very well. Thank you so much for the time and effort you have put in to get these key concept across.
People who gaslight often try to isolate you. They don't want you to have other people in your life that might help you figure out that you are being manipulated.
For 16 years slowly got isolated because I choose to pick Love! Got Breast Cancer and getting to the discharge the mask and abuse was brutal to the point that feel that it was very well deserved. I was the abuser. I tick me the constantly used off go to sleep you are crazy, take you meds. ( 😮 what’s this) something or maybe the fear off! Force me to explore the situation deeply. I got very confused to see this. Now -Before this Relationship
I drew a comic sketch of my interactions with a gaslighter. I just drew little stick men and speech bubbles. It helped a lot to reaffirm my reality. And it gave me something concrete to look back on so I could find my way out of the confusion.
Kristin Snowden Youve really helped me a lot over the past few days actually. So thank you. Ive been going through a break up. I watched your video on healthy vs unhealthy relationships 2 or 3 times. It helped a lot of things click. I feel a huge sense of relief that i dont have to suffer that abuse and torment any more.
People will see what they want to see. Identifying the negative aspects in a relationship could be a foundation for growth or a way to humiliate and manipulate. Unfortunately the second option requires less effort and so most people will choose to play it by spotlighting the partner's imperfections to hide their own and to feel guilt free. Gaslighting is a piece of it and knowing you are under gaslighting without losing your sense of accountability will help you to move along in peace. Ultimately, gaslighters have a purpose, either consciously or not, they want to transfer their flaws and imperfections to others alleviating their suffering by conveyance, which makes me think gaslighters are narcissists.
Thanks for sharing this. I appreciate your videos very much. I look back and so much of what was driving me crazy was probably as a result of gaslighting. You have opened my eyes, Kristin!
Thanks for posting these vids! Best ones I’ve come across and hit every nail on the head. The empathy trap is soooo true and I’ve never even heard of such a concept before now and I’ve watched quite a few videos trying to figure out my situations!
Is it gaslighting when my partner said something that upset me, and when I confronted him about it, he turns it around and plays the victim and calls me crazy for being upset?
Quite possibly..many people in my opinion aren't aware what they may have learned growing up...counselling can shed light...I ve had hours of counselling. I grew up in alcoholic abuse and a depressed mother...
I just broke up with my bf. He totally gaslighted me. I left him after he just kept telling me one negative thing after another about me. He would yell at me over the smallest things. Every weekend I left his place feeling like an empty shell. I told him to be kind, to realize seeing the positive is very important. etc. He never met my simple needs and requests for just love and appreciation for all the good I did. I literally took my stuff and walked out, calmly. He was upset I left, as in how dare I leave him alone. I asked him what would you do if the tables were turned and you heard more negatives and no encouragement, loving words..etc. You know what his response was? 'I would listen to what I have to say and stop playing the victim card.' Yes, he is a classic narcissist. So glad I left. This video really summed up everything I went through. It helped give me closure when he did not. Thanks.
I've watched tons of videos. This video is WONDERFUL. To all the haters nagging at this lady you should be grateful for her contribution. It never ceases to amaze me how some people get to their conclusions 🤦♂️
Wow, i didn´t even know this term exists:/ I can now understand the situation i lived and yes, everything was so confusing and i started to believe it was my fault, but as you say, there is always that instinc telling you somethig is wrong, but you are so confused that you cannot see this is not you, it can seriously damage one self steem. It is a very sad and bad situation, you cannot get through alone, sometimes if you realized that you cannot be that bad, you start to read, talk to friends, try to find answers. Wow, it is hard and painful when everything becomes clear. It is important to look for help.
Men are victims to this too! Though, the worst perpetrator to this is, (ourselves). When we believe that other people and things can make us happy and we chase after this desire for completeness, we are chasing into the wind. This is when we have a problem. A problem of the heart. It’s not selfish to love yourself and without this love for yourself, you have no love to give others. Don’t be fooled by what this world teaches you. I had believed for years, that it’s wrong to love myself. That it is bad to say NO to others and that I should always give to others when they desire it from me. This trap led me to a blackened heart, a loss of spirit and an empty soul. Love yourself so you, (May), Love others. Matthew 22:39 KJV “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”
My dad did this throughout my entire childhood. That combined with his new-age beliefs on subjective reality, belief that intentions become realities, projections (you're just offended because you haven't accepted that part of yourself yet), complex rituals, and circular reasoning tormented me to the point of self harm, depression, and violent outbursts. That self harm, depression, "scowling", and violence further pushed his narrative that I was a perfect noble human being with one main root of my defects. Those defects he claimed fouled the father-son dynamic and any chance I would have at a future. I think he also had BPD, but he was never diagnosed. So just FYI if you're in a new-age community be super vigilant.
I am gaining back my life All you list up I have lived in our family home We need to hope that I can maintain my values in English. My child I love. My ex never physically hurt me.Verbally.Due to his abusive mother.Love has many faces. Thanks
We as humans need one another to be whole and so most need to be in relationships thus often creates such complications to last especially couples who don't understand the humman psychology
I must confess that I didn't even listen to, what I'm sure were very helpful practical and insightful comments about relationships; no it was enough for me to gaze into your eyes and appreciate your beauty... and I hope you're not freaked out by this!! lol
The best defense is a heightened awarness, You have to be spirituality couscous, you cannot be a defeated heart and enter a relationship, you cannot be needy and expect your partner to make you whole, we are all in need,it's very much common sense.
I respect your advice but I feel that you are kinda relaxed on the topic. Maybe you do it becos you don't want to scare off potential clients, but I feel gaslighting and crazymaking is pure evil and actually very dangerous. Ok you are not actually denying this, but maybe getting away from the narcissist is also a very healthy option.
Holidayin germany I agree..I sense she may have never been a victim of gaslighting or narcissistic abuse.Her knowledge concerning this issue is either book knowledge or client experience.
my partner keeps twisting everything around, avoids to solve problems or properly discuss matters that are imprtant to me, dismisses my feelings or my perspective of things, tells me to grow up, that im childish, fat, keeps laughing at me or smiling viciously all the time while mocking me or like hes delighted and waiting for my next response with glee. i usually avoid being at public events or parties, but when i do, i always end up with people i dont know and get into conversations with them. afterwards hed always tells me exasperatedly how i couldnt recognize that these people didnt like me or how badly they didnt want to talk to me, that i literally trapped them in conversations. but i never got signs or the feeling that theyve been annoyed...i mean if someone responses regularly and adequately in a conversation they cant be uninterested or annoyed!? if people dont know you theyre rather inclined to excuse themselves to get away from you. he made me question my perspective, my judgement and most of all myself entirely. its his way of making sure that i wont talk to other people. always being aware that noone likes me, to be dependend on him. not sure how to proceed to get out of it
Hello, your video was very informative in not only looking for these behaviors in other people, but in myself also. Thank you! Where was your healthy boundaries sheet?
I find gaslighting a very confusing concept. What do you do with the ubiquitous unsolicited advice of families and friends, which can be received and given? That can also be confusing because...you think about it. Reflecting on oneself, doubting oneself, after a remark from another, leads to deeper insights and it is fundamental to have some tolerance for it. Otherwise living in a (small) community is impossible. Some people just are emotional walls who seldomnly want to talk about feelings (neither theirs nor yours) and you just have to accept that. Because if you try to change another...you are being manipulative. Instead of using the gaslighting idea I think it is better to work with the "evolving gated boundaries" idea alone. Because it is clearer; it carries no blame (unlike gaslighting): it shows what the correct place for intuition is; and it learns us that we can evolve our boundaries when it becomes clearer to us what is important and what is not to be flexible and non flexible about. Boundaries make us stronger. On the contrary, the idea the we are gaslighted and that there are gaslighters is oppositional and turns most of us into preyed upon victims. In my opinion this is not a very enlightened, spiritual and wholistic way of doing psychology. Anyway, thanks for the vid because now I know that this concept of "gaslighting" is being used.
Gaslighting is a technical name to bullshitting your way through a relationship..... I spent my last 3 years doing just that... my narc went from verbal abuse to sexting ....'she's a friend' to an affair with a newly married ex.... also ' just a friend'..... 😢😢😢😢 now he's on to his harem... and I'm struggling to stay alive.... I'm dying from humiliation 😢😢
william beck unfortunately I was not able to leave him.... he discarded me for the 9th time.... I struggled for a long time to leave.... it was hard... I was alone... I am still alone I had convinced myself staying with an abuser was better than being alone.... my mind knew better.
My biggest problem is. As I was growing up first. I never lived long enough in one place & I was being mentality & emotional abuse at home & watched mother's abuse more verbally by father & family members. So I've never was able to have healthy relationships with either sex. So I never really understood what waa going on or even ability to develop any relationships.
So what happened when the gaslighter is the one accusing someone of an affair but they are NOT having one? It’s everything you described in the video. She “felt” it but it was not true. I had no choice to defend my self and say no I’m not. But she was RELENTLESS in accusing me of doing this. Literal delusional jealousy. And scratch on my body was scrutinized and investigated like I was a suspect in a crime that I did not commit. A scab from dry skin was accusations of having bondage sex with gay men. Every text message, every Facebook like on posts from women, it was pure crazy making.
I was with a partner that wouldn't kiss me hello & goodbye. I asked about, you know said, I feel awkward about it because I want it. This person on two occasions said, I don't want to be forced the first time, then the second time it was all in my head. He broke it off with me, said I was to clingy and wanted 247. He also stonewalled me when I tried to have an open discussion about what was going in and he would immediately say I don't want to argue with you & I don't need you to tell me how I feel.
+J Cat there's a bit of a difference between someone who pathologically (and chronically) lies versus someone who is always telling you what you SHOULD think or that your feelings and perceptions are invalid in order to maintain control of the relationship. Sometimes gaslighting and lying are done succinctly and for similar reasons but they can be experienced differently.
What is the evidence for the implicit assumption that *every* person can be "enough" for themselves? Surely there must be people who "all on their own" and with no added gaslighting added to their life can feel unfulfilled, inadequate, insufficient, even in the absence of noteworthy childhood (parenting) deficiencies? And then I am not even addressing the very subjective and undefinable meaning of what it even means to "be enough" or "worthy".... are these words not actually just labels for a given satisfactory chemical balance of assorted neuro-transmitters?
Thank you for your video...*))) If someone would tell me that I was irrational or overly emotional, I wouldn't mind. What would be so bad about being overly emotional and irrational...? If I would act irrational or overly emotional, there would be a very good reason for that.
I was so effectively gaslighted that while undergoing treatment for breast cancer, the gaslighters convinced me that I was imagining it. They also told people that I thought were friends, I almost killed myself
Dear Kristen S. That'where did you lose that broach/bracelet hits right home. In our family history. When I was a child. I wish I weren,t considered a narc personality. Thanks. Mum was. In their marriage. Gas lighted. Thanks.
My dismissive avoidant husband does this all the time along with double bind, etc, and it seems like he does it reflexively. The closer I get to cornering him with whatever problem I'm trying to get him to confront, the more he employs these manipulation tactics to "escape" (his mother is a full blown overt narc, and he was the golden child, so he learned these skills from a master manipulator).
Nah don't worry about it :) I really really like what you're doing. I've been there in the past and I try to help people who are stuck in it now. Excellent work and I'll be watching from now on.
may I have some clarity? Gaslighting appears to begin with an accusation, but then turns into another accusation that avoids the initial accusatiin and pins the insecurity on the first person. can gaslighting be done without the initial accusation? referring to an initial claim that some action another person does is based on an insecurity.
+Josh Burkhart gaslighting doesn't always have to start with an accusation. The basic idea is that we're all entitled to our own reality, our own interpretation of our experiences. Gaslighting is when someone is unable to validate our reality (for reasons I enumerate in the video) and, instead, the gaslighter tries to replace our reality with his/her reality. For instance, it can stem from an accusation like when a spouse expresses to his/her partner that he/she feels like The partner has not been present in the marriage and that they fear the partner is having an affair. The gaslighting partner would not be able to validate his/her spouses experience and instead tells the spouse what they should think or feel (which is often lying and manipulation if they are really having an affair). Another example is when a child might fall and scrape his or her knee and begin screaming loudly in pain. For various reasons, a parent may come up and say "you're not hurt, get up, stop crying, you're fine". There's no accusation there. It's just another person who is struggling with accepting someone else's reality (again for various reasons) so they try to replace the child's experience with their own interpretation. Does that make sense? You are right in seeing that a lot of it stems from insecurity and defensiveness.
May I get your opinion please? I’d appreciate your input and time in responding. I was dating a woman for about a year. She had a huge resentment toward her ex. The first time she went off I let it go because we were new and sharing experiences. Then she would always compare me to him - in good ways. That she liked that I was active (I Surf, scuba, paddle board, rock climb) because he ex wasn’t. She liked that I was fun to cook with and a compromiser because her ex wasn’t. That she likes that I go to the gym because her ex never did. She always compared me to him and I asked to talk. In the talk I made sure I said “I feel” hurt when you compare me to your ex. She would immediately get mad, tell me I need to date someone without any past relationships. That she can’t share with me now. I took offense to this because of course I realize we all have experiences, including me, but i reiterated that it hurts me to be compared-even in good ways. I am me and we are a couple. Let’s focus on us. I offered therapy, I offered her females to talk to (she had no friends), I offered that she could rant about her ex for ten minutes when we get together. She would say she’s not like that and doesn’t need to do any of that. Yet, she continued to compare me. So I ended the relationship. I am doing so much better now, in ACA, working on Matt, but every now and then I think about her words, which was that it was all me. I’m the insecure one, I’m the one that needs help because I don’t want to be compared to her ex.
Matthew Freye good riddance. You were definitely being gaslighted for catching unto the tactic she was using. It is called triangulation. Yes, a love triangle! She was using that to love bomb you and to sow a seed for your psychological and emotional destruction later. Everything she told you about her ex is most likely a lie.
the continued invalidating is incredibly damaging to your mental health. I have to stay no contact with my mother and my ex boyfriend. They both are narrsacist tormentors.
would gaslighting one mean they say they will show up but never show up in the end? even though they say they will!.. this is one reason why I'm not in a relationship nor plan to get in another one. I don't need anyone's approval but gods and my own.
+James McCluskey that example is not quite gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone tells you that your reality is not actually your reality. So let's stick to that example: gaslighting would be if someone asks you to meet them at a coffee shop at a certain time so you can catch up and spend some time together. You go there, as planned, and they never show up. If you confront the gaslighter about this missed meeting and tell him/her that you were very hurt by their lack of follow-through the gaslighter would most likely tell you that s/he never set up that meet up time with you or that they had other more important things that they needed to do instead and that you should be more understanding of their busy schedule and/or that you shouldn't be so sensitive. "It was just a stupid coffee meet-up and it's not that big of a deal. You're always so dramatic," they might say to shame you and shut you down. VERSUS a non-gaslighter would accept accountability for missing the appointment and validate that missing the appointment has hurt your feelings.
Hi. I would encourage you to find a local face to face therapist. I host free webinars through sexandrelationshiphealing.com. I also have workshops available during various dates and times: www.kristinsnowden.com/copy-of-services-rates-1
Hey Kristin, I am only 4:30 minutes into the video and I have a question popping up. Maybe it will be answered later in the video, then I'll delete it, but I didn't want to forget it. You say that knowing about gaslighting is important, but right away I imagine: Couldn't an overawareness of the existence of gaslighting be destructive, too? Couldn't maybe a person high in neuroticism or anxiety tend to see gaslighting where it isn't happening? Or accusing the other of gaslighting could be an instrument to assert one's own overbearing will? Sometimes giving a name to somethin, making it a concept, is good, to understand what's happening to you or what you're doing. But sometimes it can lead to overidentifying it, suddenly seeing it everywhere. Any thoughts/ advice on that?
Also, Kristin, concerning co-dependent vs. interdependet relationships: what if you're starting to realize, that you grew up in the environment of your parents co-dependent relationship? What if you realize, you were part of that system, it has impacted you, but you still love them and their codependent relationship is still going on? Does it neccessarily mean you yourself have a codependent relationship style as well?
Thanks for this video..I am 64 years old, and now in a marriage for the last 10 yrs, 2nd marriage, and never knew there was a name for what I am going through, it all made so much sense to me, I cried in the middle of watching, seeing myself in this kind of relationship, and realizing it's not ME! You have given me the tools/information to no longer think I'm the crazy one! Thank you so much! On reflecting over my life, I realize I have been gaslighted all my life. Through my childhood till present.I will try and now find my own truth, won't be easy, but I now have a much better understanding!
susan ptashkin it is never too late. good luck to you, be brave.
I feel ur pain, I am 65 years old and after the death of my husband of 30 yrs...found myself in a relationship with a Narcissist...thank goodness I broke it off after a year...then I started to research this subject...never hear of it before and was shocked to see what it was and how it works...I started to do some much needed soul searching of myself and grew as a person...yes it is lonely sometimes, but I will never lose who I am for another person...I have my family and a few close friends, and I still explore my feelings and my truth...no man or woman is worth losing yourself....Peace and Love to You! I will keep you in my heart! there is a very good book that helped me called "Love Warrior" by Glennon Doyle Melton....I borrowed from my local library to read....
Sometimes it helps to talk to a therapist about your relationship patterns in order to change what doesn't work for you (or hurts you). Good luck and take good care!
susan ptashkin
I myself found out 2 months ago.. never thought there was any such thing.. i used to joke with my friends and 'i wish there was a group like AA but an insecurity anonymous group for ppl like me lol'
Wow now i know im not alone. I can change and so can you! All the best xxx
READ AND STUDY IN SHEEPS CLOTHING BY GEORGE K SIMON it will open your eyes for sure.
Gaslighting is horrific, I can't believe how people can do it without feeling any type of remorse. It's not love, it's abuse. Great video!
Out standing,this is the first time in my life that some one intelligent like you have validated my emotions and thought thankyou once again you have increased my self respect
Outstanding, effectively, and beautifully conveyed. Thank you immensely.
Wow I am having an aha moment thank you so much
Gaslighting is a brand new concept for me. Your video is the first one on youtube that gives a clear and concise definition. So many videos throwing the term around - thank you for your explanation.
Thank you for making this video. I found it very helpful. I was divorced three years ago, and I am still trying to grasp what happened to me. I saw my parents go through the endless cycle of marriage and divorce. I'm done with relationships...never again, for me. Been there and done that. I'm over it.
I felt like you were talking directly to me and my experiences in my most recent relationships. Thank you for sharing this. I wrote down and will be practicing the 13 steps!
I agree !!
you put the information together so clearly. please make more videos! there are so many videos on YT about this subject, but your are the only ones that get straight to the matter!
validation! my relationships with my xhusband,friends, and coworkers, all of them had these gaslight qualities. I was shamed for expressing myself. I completely lost who I was because everyone and everything was an illusion.these people chewed me up and spit me out when I had issues about the stuff that was going on, and dared to speak up. . I spiraled into a 2 year suicidal depression, I'm better, much, but I'm still being drawn to unavailable men that shut me down. but at least I'm recognizing the patterns, and not thinking it's all me,
great work you do!!!
thank you.....❤
don't ever leave your emails open around anyone that you have doubts about.
I have been going on this whole learning journey this year because of the essential information I've found from psychologists, life coaches, etc from people like yourself and others. And for many months I've heard the term gaslighting, and know what it means and could envision it. But it wasn't till i heard your video, that i realized i experienced it in my 2 marriages. Religion played a part in the first one though. And in some ways, my mom did it. I love her very much and she's a very good person, but if she was always changing and controlling my reality.
When you talked about being an empath, i have had that as an influencing factor in my compassion for the other person always. But unfortunately i allowed my needs be trumpted by another.
Thank you. Such an awakening.
Great examples and thank you for stressing the severity of the damage caused by this. It's horrible to be betrayed without acknowledgement but to twist it around is cruel.
Yes! 😢
Validation at last! Thank you Kristen Snowden!
What an eye opener!!! I’m very grateful for this wealth of information!! Thank you I love all the videos you’ve shared!
I was attacked by a psychopath and then got ptsd and anxiety and didn't sleep for weeks and felt like I was going crazy which opened me up to more gaslighting. These people are sadistic. Scary beyond the average person to even imagine.
Great examples to explain difficult topics.
FANTASTIC video. Priceless!!!
I can't thank you enough for sharing your knowledge with the UA-cam community. You are fiercely intelligent, kind, and gorgeous. Thank you so much.
Familytreecounseling talks about self diffentiation.
You're very clear and give great examples. Thank you
This has helped me so much! I need to constantly go over these steps! Thank you for this eye opening video!
Love this. I never really understood gaslighting correctly before. Very helpful and informative. Explained beautifully. Thank you for sharing 💕
Excellent video Kristin. You really do explain things very well. Thank you so much for the time and effort you have put in to get these key concept across.
People who gaslight often try to isolate you. They don't want you to have other people in your life that might help you figure out that you are being manipulated.
good one rob, thank you! have to stop isolating myself now.
Hurt & rescue I've been on that rollercoaster ride almost 20 years & he has always know I've struggled with depression & Anxiety
Convenient for him
For 16 years slowly got isolated because I choose to pick Love! Got Breast Cancer and getting to the discharge the mask and abuse was brutal to the point that feel that it was very well deserved. I was the abuser. I tick me the constantly used off go to sleep you are crazy, take you meds. ( 😮 what’s this) something or maybe the fear off! Force me to explore the situation deeply. I got very confused to see this. Now -Before this Relationship
Gaslighters do KNOW they are doing it!!!!! Especially when it worked with their former partners.
I drew a comic sketch of my interactions with a gaslighter. I just drew little stick men and speech bubbles. It helped a lot to reaffirm my reality. And it gave me something concrete to look back on so I could find my way out of the confusion.
This sounds like a great exercise. Thanks for sharing.
Kristin Snowden Youve really helped me a lot over the past few days actually. So thank you. Ive been going through a break up. I watched your video on healthy vs unhealthy relationships 2 or 3 times. It helped a lot of things click. I feel a huge sense of relief that i dont have to suffer that abuse and torment any more.
I love this i am gonna do it.
People will see what they want to see. Identifying the negative aspects in a relationship could be a foundation for growth or a way to humiliate and manipulate. Unfortunately the second option requires less effort and so most people will choose to play it by spotlighting the partner's imperfections to hide their own and to feel guilt free. Gaslighting is a piece of it and knowing you are under gaslighting without losing your sense of accountability will help you to move along in peace. Ultimately, gaslighters have a purpose, either consciously or not, they want to transfer their flaws and imperfections to others alleviating their suffering by conveyance, which makes me think gaslighters are narcissists.
Thanks for sharing this. I appreciate your videos very much. I look back and so much of what was driving me crazy was probably as a result of gaslighting. You have opened my eyes, Kristin!
This I stay quiet and peaceful and happy and alone in all I do
Two words : Thank you. You are doing an amazing work, I love you
Thank you so much for this vid! That was outstanding.
Great insight/clarity to a common relational problem
I wish i had you as my therapist years ago.
This was very helpful. Helped embrace again my true values and set up my non negociables.
non-negotiables are so important!
Incredible content.
Thanks for posting these vids! Best ones I’ve come across and hit every nail on the head. The empathy trap is soooo true and I’ve never even heard of such a concept before now and I’ve watched quite a few videos trying to figure out my situations!
Thank you for this. I went to 2 counselors. Neither of them helped like this. They helped me get control of myself but not like this.
Is it gaslighting when my partner said something that upset me, and when I confronted him about it, he turns it around and plays the victim and calls me crazy for being upset?
Sounds like it... That's what I experienced at least
i believe it depends.
gaslighting is a very special ‘technique’, so it is up to you to decide if you actually want to mix it with simple berating.
Quite possibly..many people in my opinion aren't aware what they may have learned growing up...counselling can shed light...I ve had hours of counselling. I grew up in alcoholic abuse and a depressed mother...
Yes...
I just broke up with my bf. He totally gaslighted me. I left him after he just kept telling me one negative thing after another about me. He would yell at me over the smallest things. Every weekend I left his place feeling like an empty shell. I told him to be kind, to realize seeing the positive is very important. etc. He never met my simple needs and requests for just love and appreciation for all the good I did. I literally took my stuff and walked out, calmly. He was upset I left, as in how dare I leave him alone. I asked him what would you do if the tables were turned and you heard more negatives and no encouragement, loving words..etc. You know what his response was? 'I would listen to what I have to say and stop playing the victim card.' Yes, he is a classic narcissist. So glad I left. This video really summed up everything I went through. It helped give me closure when he did not. Thanks.
omg THAT ART PIECE BEHIND YOU LOOOKS ABSOLUTELY CREEPY!!!
Just wow…🥺I get it now.
Thank you very much - this video was awesome and helpful
thank you for improving the audio on this incredibly important topic
I've watched tons of videos. This video is WONDERFUL. To all the haters nagging at this lady you should be grateful for her contribution. It never ceases to amaze me how some people get to their conclusions 🤦♂️
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much. This helped so much.
This is sooooo good! Thank you 💕
Thank you!! thank you!!!!!!!
Your videos are helping me more then I can express. Thank you.
So glad to hear that.
Thank you.
Wow, i didn´t even know this term exists:/ I can now understand the situation i lived and yes, everything was so confusing and i started to believe it was my fault, but as you say, there is always that instinc telling you somethig is wrong, but you are so confused that you cannot see this is not you, it can seriously damage one self steem. It is a very sad and bad situation, you cannot get through alone, sometimes if you realized that you cannot be that bad, you start to read, talk to friends, try to find answers. Wow, it is hard and painful when everything becomes clear. It is important to look for help.
What would be even worst is if it's not your partner doing it it's total strangers
Gaslighting tactics are such insidious dangerous and ridiculous games.
Men are victims to this too!
Though, the worst perpetrator to this is, (ourselves).
When we believe that other people and things can make us happy and we chase after this desire for completeness, we are chasing into the wind. This is when we have a problem. A problem of the heart.
It’s not selfish to love yourself and without this love for yourself, you have no love to give others.
Don’t be fooled by what this world teaches you. I had believed for years, that it’s wrong to love myself. That it is bad to say NO to others and that I should always give to others when they desire it from me.
This trap led me to a blackened heart, a loss of spirit and an empty soul.
Love yourself so you, (May), Love others.
Matthew 22:39 KJV
“Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”
I stopped the gaslighting and constant pathological lying by leaving. I was so lost and suicidal.
My dad did this throughout my entire childhood. That combined with his new-age beliefs on subjective reality, belief that intentions become realities, projections (you're just offended because you haven't accepted that part of yourself yet), complex rituals, and circular reasoning tormented me to the point of self harm, depression, and violent outbursts. That self harm, depression, "scowling", and violence further pushed his narrative that I was a perfect noble human being with one main root of my defects. Those defects he claimed fouled the father-son dynamic and any chance I would have at a future. I think he also had BPD, but he was never diagnosed. So just FYI if you're in a new-age community be super vigilant.
I'm new at this and just figured out what gas lighting is
7:10 what breeds gaslighting environment. great point
Thank you Kristin
Mine said that I was paranoid
I am gaining back my life All you list up I have lived in our family home We need to hope that I can maintain my values in English. My child I love. My ex never physically hurt me.Verbally.Due to his abusive mother.Love has many faces. Thanks
Thanks! Very helpful ....
We as humans need one another to be whole and so most need to be in relationships thus often creates such complications to last especially couples who don't understand the humman psychology
Thank you for this knowledge wery helpful.
I must confess that I didn't even listen to, what I'm sure were very helpful practical and insightful comments about relationships; no it was enough for me to gaze into your eyes and appreciate your beauty... and I hope you're not freaked out by this!! lol
Yes! My ex did this to me before!
Thank you so much!
Wooww everything you are talking about is true. I can't believe this hapend to me...💔🥺😔
The best defense is a heightened awarness,
You have to be spirituality couscous, you cannot be a defeated heart and enter a relationship, you cannot be needy and expect your partner to make you whole, we are all in need,it's very much common sense.
Michael Gregory
What????
I respect your advice but I feel that you are kinda relaxed on the topic. Maybe you do it becos you don't want to scare off potential clients, but I feel gaslighting and crazymaking is pure evil and actually very dangerous. Ok you are not actually denying this, but maybe getting away from the narcissist is also a very healthy option.
Holidayin germany I agree..I sense she may have never been a victim of gaslighting or narcissistic abuse.Her knowledge concerning this issue is either book knowledge or client experience.
Holidayin germany Absolutely correct. One of the most evil forms of abuse on Earth.
There is different levels obviously 🙄 she is discussing ALL ranges.
Nuance is lost on people who only acknowledge the extremities.
Thank you, this helps a lot! :)
my partner keeps twisting everything around, avoids to solve problems or properly discuss matters that are imprtant to me, dismisses my feelings or my perspective of things, tells me to grow up, that im childish, fat, keeps laughing at me or smiling viciously all the time while mocking me or like hes delighted and waiting for my next response with glee.
i usually avoid being at public events or parties, but when i do, i always end up with people i dont know and get into conversations with them.
afterwards hed always tells me exasperatedly how i couldnt recognize that these people didnt like me or how badly they didnt want to talk to me, that i literally trapped them in conversations.
but i never got signs or the feeling that theyve been annoyed...i mean if someone responses regularly and adequately in a conversation they cant be uninterested or annoyed!?
if people dont know you theyre rather inclined to excuse themselves to get away from you.
he made me question my perspective, my judgement and most of all myself entirely.
its his way of making sure that i wont talk to other people. always being aware that noone likes me, to be dependend on him.
not sure how to proceed to get out of it
Chichachillie you are out of this relationship right?
Projection is almost always about accusations and trickery.
Hello, your video was very informative in not only looking for these behaviors in other people, but in myself also. Thank you! Where was your healthy boundaries sheet?
Never mind, I see it :)
after listening to this I wonder why those people bother having relationships
I find gaslighting a very confusing concept. What do you do with the ubiquitous unsolicited advice of families and friends, which can be received and given? That can also be confusing because...you think about it. Reflecting on oneself, doubting oneself, after a remark from another, leads to deeper insights and it is fundamental to have some tolerance for it. Otherwise living in a (small) community is impossible. Some people just are emotional walls who seldomnly want to talk about feelings (neither theirs nor yours) and you just have to accept that. Because if you try to change another...you are being manipulative. Instead of using the gaslighting idea I think it is better to work with the "evolving gated boundaries" idea alone. Because it is clearer; it carries no blame (unlike gaslighting): it shows what the correct place for intuition is; and it learns us that we can evolve our boundaries when it becomes clearer to us what is important and what is not to be flexible and non flexible about. Boundaries make us stronger. On the contrary, the idea the we are gaslighted and that there are gaslighters is oppositional and turns most of us into preyed upon victims. In my opinion this is not a very enlightened, spiritual and wholistic way of doing psychology.
Anyway, thanks for the vid because now I know that this concept of "gaslighting" is being used.
Gaslighting is a technical name to bullshitting your way through a relationship..... I spent my last 3 years doing just that... my narc went from verbal abuse to sexting ....'she's a friend' to an affair with a newly married ex.... also ' just a friend'..... 😢😢😢😢
now he's on to his harem... and I'm struggling to stay alive.... I'm dying from humiliation 😢😢
Have you left him?
william beck unfortunately I was not able to leave him.... he discarded me for the 9th time.... I struggled for a long time to leave.... it was hard... I was alone... I am still alone
I had convinced myself staying with an abuser was better than being alone.... my mind knew better.
My biggest problem is. As I was growing up first. I never lived long enough in one place & I was being mentality & emotional abuse at home & watched mother's abuse more verbally by father & family members. So I've never was able to have healthy relationships with either sex. So I never really understood what waa going on
or even ability to develop any relationships.
So what happened when the gaslighter is the one accusing someone of an affair but they are NOT having one? It’s everything you described in the video. She “felt” it but it was not true. I had no choice to defend my self and say no I’m not. But she was RELENTLESS in accusing me of doing this. Literal delusional jealousy. And scratch on my body was scrutinized and investigated like I was a suspect in a crime that I did not commit. A scab from dry skin was accusations of having bondage sex with gay men. Every text message, every Facebook like on posts from women, it was pure crazy making.
Kristen Snowden >
Can a person be so beat down they can't come back?
I was with a partner that wouldn't kiss me hello & goodbye. I asked about, you know said, I feel awkward about it because I want it. This person on two occasions said, I don't want to be forced the first time, then the second time it was all in my head. He broke it off with me, said I was to clingy and wanted 247. He also stonewalled me when I tried to have an open discussion about what was going in and he would immediately say I don't want to argue with you & I don't need you to tell me how I feel.
the correct term is control not power.
Is a term also pathological liar?
+J Cat there's a bit of a difference between someone who pathologically (and chronically) lies versus someone who is always telling you what you SHOULD think or that your feelings and perceptions are invalid in order to maintain control of the relationship. Sometimes gaslighting and lying are done succinctly and for similar reasons but they can be experienced differently.
Who can love something like that... Ugh!!!!!!!!
What is the evidence for the implicit assumption that *every* person can be "enough" for themselves? Surely there must be people who "all on their own" and with no added gaslighting added to their life can feel unfulfilled, inadequate, insufficient, even in the absence of noteworthy childhood (parenting) deficiencies?
And then I am not even addressing the very subjective and undefinable meaning of what it even means to "be enough" or "worthy".... are these words not actually just labels for a given satisfactory chemical balance of assorted neuro-transmitters?
Thank you for your video...*)))
If someone would tell me that I was irrational or overly emotional, I wouldn't mind. What would be so bad about being overly emotional and irrational...? If I would act irrational or overly emotional, there would be a very good reason for that.
I was so effectively gaslighted that while undergoing treatment for breast cancer, the gaslighters convinced me that I was imagining it. They also told people that I thought were friends, I almost killed myself
The Antique Autistic that is very sad. I m sorry you had to go through that.
Would lying for two years about her marital status and then blaming you for being to trusting gaslighting?
Awesome vid.
Dear Kristen S. That'where did you lose that broach/bracelet hits right home. In our family history. When I was a child. I wish I weren,t considered a narc personality. Thanks. Mum was. In their marriage. Gas lighted. Thanks.
Do they even know that they are doing it? I feel like he gaslights me but he doesn't even realize
My dismissive avoidant husband does this all the time along with double bind, etc, and it seems like he does it reflexively. The closer I get to cornering him with whatever problem I'm trying to get him to confront, the more he employs these manipulation tactics to "escape" (his mother is a full blown overt narc, and he was the golden child, so he learned these skills from a master manipulator).
Great vid, Throes of an affair, its throes not throws ;)
+theyellowfury thanks. And yes,one of those classic grammatical errors that I can’t go back and fix. At least I don’t think I can...
Nah don't worry about it :) I really really like what you're doing. I've been there in the past and I try to help people who are stuck in it now. Excellent work and I'll be watching from now on.
may I have some clarity? Gaslighting appears to begin with an accusation, but then turns into another accusation that avoids the initial accusatiin and pins the insecurity on the first person. can gaslighting be done without the initial accusation? referring to an initial claim that some action another person does is based on an insecurity.
+Josh Burkhart gaslighting doesn't always have to start with an accusation. The basic idea is that we're all entitled to our own reality, our own interpretation of our experiences. Gaslighting is when someone is unable to validate our reality (for reasons I enumerate in the video) and, instead, the gaslighter tries to replace our reality with his/her reality. For instance, it can stem from an accusation like when a spouse expresses to his/her partner that he/she feels like The partner has not been present in the marriage and that they fear the partner is having an affair. The gaslighting partner would not be able to validate his/her spouses experience and instead tells the spouse what they should think or feel (which is often lying and manipulation if they are really having an affair). Another example is when a child might fall and scrape his or her knee and begin screaming loudly in pain. For various reasons, a parent may come up and say "you're not hurt, get up, stop crying, you're fine". There's no accusation there. It's just another person who is struggling with accepting someone else's reality (again for various reasons) so they try to replace the child's experience with their own interpretation. Does that make sense? You are right in seeing that a lot of it stems from insecurity and defensiveness.
Yes. That makes more sense.
May I get your opinion please? I’d appreciate your input and time in responding.
I was dating a woman for about a year. She had a huge resentment toward her ex. The first time she went off I let it go because we were new and sharing experiences. Then she would always compare me to him - in good ways. That she liked that I was active (I Surf, scuba, paddle board, rock climb) because he ex wasn’t. She liked that I was fun to cook with and a compromiser because her ex wasn’t. That she likes that I go to the gym because her ex never did. She always compared me to him and I asked to talk. In the talk I made sure I said “I feel” hurt when you compare me to your ex. She would immediately get mad, tell me I need to date someone without any past relationships. That she can’t share with me now.
I took offense to this because of course I realize we all have experiences, including me, but i reiterated that it hurts me to be compared-even in good ways. I am me and we are a couple. Let’s focus on us. I offered therapy, I offered her females to talk to (she had no friends), I offered that she could rant about her ex for ten minutes when we get together.
She would say she’s not like that and doesn’t need to do any of that. Yet, she continued to compare me. So I ended the relationship.
I am doing so much better now, in ACA, working on Matt, but every now and then I think about her words, which was that it was all me. I’m the insecure one, I’m the one that needs help because I don’t want to be compared to her ex.
Matthew Freye good riddance.
You were definitely being gaslighted for catching unto the tactic she was using.
It is called triangulation. Yes, a love triangle!
She was using that to love bomb you and to sow a seed for your psychological and emotional destruction later.
Everything she told you about her ex is most likely a lie.
the continued invalidating is incredibly damaging to your mental health.
I have to stay no contact with my mother and my ex boyfriend.
They both are narrsacist tormentors.
would gaslighting one mean they say they will show up but never show up in the end? even though they say they will!..
this is one reason why I'm not in a relationship nor plan to get in another one. I don't need anyone's approval but gods and my own.
+James McCluskey that example is not quite gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone tells you that your reality is not actually your reality. So let's stick to that example: gaslighting would be if someone asks you to meet them at a coffee shop at a certain time so you can catch up and spend some time together. You go there, as planned, and they never show up. If you confront the gaslighter about this missed meeting and tell him/her that you were very hurt by their lack of follow-through the gaslighter would most likely tell you that s/he never set up that meet up time with you or that they had other more important things that they needed to do instead and that you should be more understanding of their busy schedule and/or that you shouldn't be so sensitive. "It was just a stupid coffee meet-up and it's not that big of a deal. You're always so dramatic," they might say to shame you and shut you down. VERSUS a non-gaslighter would accept accountability for missing the appointment and validate that missing the appointment has hurt your feelings.
Kristin Snowden thanks so much for this understanding to gaslighting, very educational.
Thanks!!..
Would you engage with virtual counseling?
Hi. I would encourage you to find a local face to face therapist. I host free webinars through sexandrelationshiphealing.com. I also have workshops available during various dates and times: www.kristinsnowden.com/copy-of-services-rates-1
Hey Kristin, I am only 4:30 minutes into the video and I have a question popping up. Maybe it will be answered later in the video, then I'll delete it, but I didn't want to forget it. You say that knowing about gaslighting is important, but right away I imagine: Couldn't an overawareness of the existence of gaslighting be destructive, too? Couldn't maybe a person high in neuroticism or anxiety tend to see gaslighting where it isn't happening? Or accusing the other of gaslighting could be an instrument to assert one's own overbearing will? Sometimes giving a name to somethin, making it a concept, is good, to understand what's happening to you or what you're doing. But sometimes it can lead to overidentifying it, suddenly seeing it everywhere. Any thoughts/ advice on that?
Also, Kristin, concerning co-dependent vs. interdependet relationships: what if you're starting to realize, that you grew up in the environment of your parents co-dependent relationship? What if you realize, you were part of that system, it has impacted you, but you still love them and their codependent relationship is still going on? Does it neccessarily mean you yourself have a codependent relationship style as well?
Where is the 'Healthy Boundaries' info sheet?
www.kristinsnowden.com/healthy-relationships-healthy-bound
I have never heard of that word before betrayal blindness is that a new word that u made up?
No. I believe Jennifer freyd coined the phrase (not sure though). She has done a lot of research on the subject and wrote a few books on the concept.
God in heaven is the center ofy life