10 (Hidden) Family 'Rules' Supporting Scapegoat Abuse - It's a Rigged Game
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- Опубліковано 3 лип 2024
- In this video, I review TEN unspoken - but still very real - 'RULES' that are evident in dysfunctional or narcissistic family systems that scapegoat one of their own. See trigger warning and access video chapters and a list of resources, below (including my FSA Recovery Affirmations on video).
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*🔥Trigger Warning: If you feel activated watching this video, turn it off and perhaps return to it at another time or consult a licensed Mental Health professional.
Viewer comments contain descriptions of child abuse and neglect and can also be activating. Relate to this video? I'd love to hear from you in the comments.*
💡Read my article on the 10 Rules of families that scapegoat here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/202...
💡My article on Narcissistic Families and cult dynamics: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/202...
00:00 - Intro
01:02 - Three concepts dysfunctional families are governed by
02:30 - Power, false narratives, reality distortion
03:19 - Love for sale
04:20 - Fawn/submit/defer
05:24 - Injustice and righteous rage
06:06 - Empaths and intergenerational trauma
07:47 - 'Scapegoat' / 'Golden Child' split
08:53 - DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
10:30 - Feelings must be stuffed
11:44 - Deny painful realities
12:35 - The price the scapegoat must pay to 'belong'
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#cptsd #narcissisticfamily #dysfunctionalfamily #toxicfamily #empath
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That was very affirming. Thank you!!
@Dans white Per my UA-cam disclosure, I can only give direct advice to people who are my clients. But I CAN address this in general terms. It helps to know if a given family system is highly distressed and dysfunctional from intergenerational trauma, versus victimized by a strong narcissist in the family. The recommendations I give my clients depend on my having a sense of this. In some cases it is not advisable to directly address the abuse as it can just lead to an amping up of the maltreatment and scapegoating, particularly in a narcissistic family system (versus a traumatized, dysfunctional one). I'll put this on my list of things to cover in a future video as well.
@Dans white I neglected to mention that ideally you could do this with the support and guidance of a savvy professional; and even then, you may not get the response (or the results) you want. It is a very tricky thing, to try and point out the truth. Denial and defensiveness are typical, and at times what Dr Jennifer Freyd calls 'DARVO': Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender'.
Thank you for your response.
Do any of these specifically explain "Narcisstic Supply", otherwise a video identifying how adult Narcissists manipulate both adults and children, in an attempt to fill up their own empty abyss....maybe another video idea?
The first book I read on Narcissism was M. Scott Peck's, "People of the Lie".
Decades ago a Therapist recommended "Trapped in the Mirror", in the 1980's.
I still LOVE "Bradshaw, on the Family".
"All behavior is purposeful".
😊
I will review the list.
Thanks again.
The "you have to take abuse to be in the family" is especially true, hurtful and a slap into reality.
It is, indeed.
Definitely what I have experienced both in the family and at workplaces.
@@rockstarofredondo It is sad that we can attract predators where ever we are. I wish I was able to break the cycle. They seem to look at us easy targets, I guess. But who can really understand their evil and twisted minds?!? At least, now I know it's not my fault.
It's the only form of love we were shown.
@@qaenglish we are too friendly, too kind, too open, too helpful, we MUST learn to be quiet and observe. It is very difficult, you will have to change your personality until you have a system of WAIT AND SEE, how do they treat others? Are they nosey, are they TAKERS. You must, must, must step back from everyone until your behavior, stance and confidence do not out you as a huge target to have the life sucked out of you again. Look on everyone as a predator, b/c if you look back at your life, you've likely been the prey for a LONG time and been used repeatedly for everything you have until you cannot give any more. I used to wonder why it took me so long to get over relationships when my partners just moved on quickly, they were narcs, I was the prey and did not know it. 58 years of that garbage, if you have one or two true friend in a lifetime you are lucky, the rest are users or potential users, let them pass by and keep your good for you unless you receive FROM THEM first and if it stops you stop too.
Cult is EXACTL right. WORSE than a cult, because the public calls this a "family", and the public worships this "family" system.
And particularly the case when everything looks ‘perfect’ on the outside, which is typical when narcissistic parents are controlling the family narrative.
I came to that Revelation about a month ago. Was reading about a cult with children being abused and I realised I was brought up in a cultlike family. Dad was the crazy leader,Mum was just as bad and codependent of his madness and most of my 5 siblings went along with the family madness to get their scraps of attention. 2 of us could see the dysfunction & said things,but me being the oldest,said it 1st and this just reinforced my scapegoat status even more. I was the naughty child bc I did everything wrong 1st.
A psychologist told me when I was 25yo, that just bc your parents are older does not mean they are mature, which did help me. How I ever put up with their treatment,I cannot fathom. I must have had very low self-esteem then,I even internalised their blame,guilt,non acceptance of me... Other siblings joined in to elevate themselves. While they pick on the scapegoat, the attention is away from them so it's no wonder they continue it on,even after the parents die bc it's become such a habit. One thing I can't stand about my sisters they are stickybeaks in others business and my biggest struggle is not giving out personal details of mine and they want to know about other people's business thru me too. Whenever I have said,I don't feel comfortable talking about that I've been verbally attacked later. How much do I make per hour? I mean,who asks someone this? How much is your rent? How much was your car? What's that persons address? What's that persons house like? Is it clean inside? I feel like it's all about gathering private info from me & I don't want to give private info out about other relatives or friends or myself, bc it's none of their business to know. I never ask private questions so I find it very intrusive and badmannered, even suspicious. Do I need to say why do you ask? Why do you need to know? Any hints from anyone?
This form of intrusiveness is typical in highly enmeshed family systems. In such systems, maintaining privacy or having boundaries is a threat to the status quo / family homeostasis.
YES. The no one understands that families are sites of abuse for many people -- and our culture idolizes them. It's like not drinking alcohol in our society. "You don't WHAT??"
I am 70 now but i always felt i was carrying the weight of generations on my shoulders thank you for speaking this out as a sign i was scapegoated
You’re welcome, Jenny. Having a name and a way to describe what happened to you in your family can be a critical aspect of recovering from FSA.
@@brie1987 yes they do. Much love an respect for anyone whose been through these insidious abuses. Knowing first hand myself on how heartbreaking it is. But once we know BETTER we do better. I pray we all find the strength to tell our story so we can help the next. Thats how we can alchemize these abuses into our strength. Standing in our truth an heal. #godisgood
As the empathic scapegoat adult child of two covert malignant narcissist parents, your content is sadly relatable. The cognitive dissonance alone that results from being brainwashed by the cult that is your family creates enough intermal combustion to fuel a lifetime of self doubt. Finally shedding the scapegoat skin at 48 is giving me my life back. Now Im like a garden, once killed off by the poison of perpetual hate crimes, now blooming in full color despite decades without sun, soil and water.
What a spectacular analogy - I love it! Linking you to a video here, in case you missed it, based on your comment: ua-cam.com/video/j2lhgSMiTQw/v-deo.html
Beautiful comment
Another rule: don't make it known that you love or enjoy anything. Especially, if it gives you confidence. They'll take it away so fast!!
That did come up a few times with other subscribers - It definitely could be added as an '11th' rule...
@Rebecca C. Mandeville LMFT - Scapegoat Recovery thank you for all you do for us scapegoats! ❤️ you're awesome!
I feel the same about all of you...And, thank you.
Yes… my husband is passing this dynamics down our bloodline and I am now scapegoated as the bad parent because I allow my children to express their feelings about things they’ve experienced in the family. My eldest daughter, not yet 17 who is an intuitive healer started submitting to the family rules as well. She was refereeing other sibling disputes and helping siblings to express some anger so they weren’t killing each other ( literally threatening to do so in a believable manner). All of the sudden my husband starts protecting her and tells her she shouldn’t have to endure the family dynamics. She starts scapegoating me as mentally ill while triggering my childhood shame in the deepest way and then exits the home to leave me with a gaping hole. She is the last person that I expected to abandon me. I sewed health into her and was always close to her which bothered my husband and made him feel out of control because he couldn’t compete and match me in the care I gave. My kids were sane in the unhealthy dynamics because of me and my intuitive healing abilities. This really messed me up. I had no confidence to do anything with the family after this and no one cared.
Yes. My mom killed my pets. I learned young to hide my joy and achievements. I have self- confidence and they had no clue until i, with the grace of God, unattached myself from them permanently.
I was recently in a 9 year narcissistic relationship and was brutally discarded left financially and emeotionallu destroyed. When I asked my parents for help they told me to go to a homeless shelter and told me what a pathetic, worthless, lazy loser I was to let a man do that to my life. My father physically assaulted me and lied and told everyone I attacked him. I’ve been no contact and it’s been hard but it’s getting better. They all sat around and talked about what a loser I was, when I had an honorable military career and lucrative federal position. They were jealous of me, they want me to be like them. Struggling with nothing.
This is a devastating form of abuse. I hope you find some comfort in this community. Many people here will understand.
I'm so sorry for what u went through, Just know you're truly NOT alone. Ive been ALMOST 3years no contact with my family an I can honestly say it's been the best decision in my life. Once I learned at 44 what Gaslighting & narcissistic abuse an what scapegoat meant I knew there was no other choice but to exit left an leave them alone. My ex is a psychopath once I broke up with him an let him come to the house to visit his kids. He distroyed my life more taking my mail, telling my neighbors imma whore an telling local police anyone who'd listen. GOD ONLY KNOWS EVERYTHING HES SAID ABOUT ME. But unfortunately I was waiting to go to court an on one of his visits he took my mail an I missed court. An a police officer came to my house to arrest me. My children went into CPS. My family who lives on 6 acres of land couldn't help at all wit my children actually in this time my mom decided to put the house she got my family (to show out for my Nana ,her mom. ) Anyway once my Nana died an this happened that's when she told CPS she's giving house up so my children couldn't come back to the house an me getting SSI I had to move an figure it out. When I told my Caseworker about all the stuff with my ex like him selling personal images of us on line an the fact that this all happened when COVID 2020.. he told CPS an anyone who'd listen. LIES,his flying monkeys it's so disheartening..an when I went to court they wouldn't let me talk about narcissistic abuse. I started a group an been in therapy yet they say I've done nothing ,the system is just as abusive. Anyone whose still dealing wit a narcissistic relationship,I'm speaking from experience run ,run ,run take ur children an the only way they can see they're kids is after they see a therapist on a regular basis. Don't let them alone in ur house or be around the children.. they will Take u & ur children down they have no Shame. No empathy no respect. An not in reality. Hope everyone whose dealt with these disgusting behaviors understands. They see something in u,that they don't have. Like Love , compassion, empathy don't ever let them take those qualities from u. Have a blessed day 🙏🙏🙏
“No child should have to earn love from their family.” 🎯
Yet parents behave like children expecting love where none is given. And those boundaries 👀👾👽; the unhealthy we that represents I, yet abuses the concept of I by using a concept of we for one I to dominate the other, which affectively symbolises I. It’s difficult when people struggle in confusion between the boundaries of one’s identity from another’s.
Does one really need to sacrifice the life of another to consume its space, thereby maintaining an illusion of self-identity within a self-serving fantasy landscape labelled a we? I would have thought Collins dictionary would label the psychology and surreptitious activity as bogus entity. But what makes a person behave in such a way, let alone what makes the many as a social movement of morals & values.
Maybe emulation is a covert psychopath test; that or their is a purpose of building an unintetgrated void of belief anomalies?
I have lived every one of these. I went no contact in 2020. Like leaving a cult, it takes time to be deprogrammed and to really see it. This year, I tried to reconnect, thinking I could maintain boundaries. I have since learnt the harsh reality of rule 10. I am back to no contact with the abusive parties and am in the grief and relief phase again. Thank you for these videos, it’s great to be validated. The intergenerational trauma in me jumped up and felt your acknowledgment too!
Thank you for letting me know. And I love this phrase: "Grief and...RELIEF" (to our nervous systems, especially!).
They can steal your reputation, but they can never live up to it. 💜
There's an easy solution to the whole "having to earn love thing." Stop needing it. If the food being served makes you sick, don't eat.
Stop needing it from one's (scapegoating) family, yes.
You know, as a scapegoat I don't think I did need it. Up until I was almost 40, I think It was just the way things are.
When all of that is "normal" to you, you don't even think about the injustice of it. You don't think about not being valued.
I remember the first time my mother said, I love you but don't like you, you remind.e of my sisters and your father.....I said then don't waste your time.
I cut contact at that point.
😢
I can't write because I am too upset watching this. It is the first time I've ever heard someone understand the ruthless - unrelenting punishment.
Take breaks when. you need to - my videos can stir things up but most find them helpful (along with my book!)
If you're grown and financially independent, break the rules one by one. Relentlessly reflect the truth and watch them squirm. You don't need them, anyway. They were never really there as a fragile family cult that needs a scapegoat is dissociated from reality. You were too good for them. Not the other way around. Run free, escaped goat. You hold the power because anyone who can hold the pain, emotions and trauma of an entire dysfunctional family is as strong as they come. ❤
One of our subscribers reversed these 10 rules in a powerful way - I think it is in the comments here. My affirmation videos also address some of these as well, but not "formally"...
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseThank you! You're doing much-needed and impactful work! Too many children grew up in covert dictatorships and often didn't even know because of the subversive nature of scapegoating a child of all sick things in the world. 🤬 Appreciate your presence on UA-cam and all of your invaluable work to help people identify what they never deserved yet miraculously survived. 🙏
I appreciate your comments - very insightful. Glad you're here.
Hallelujah! ❤🎉🐐 🙌
#5 and #7 I learned about narcissistic family systems about ten yrs ago. 7 yrs ago I shared what I learned with a sibling and boy oh boy did that create abuse! I have been educating myself these last many years and found your book to be so helpful. It is laid out in such a clear manner. I am stuck in such deep sadness. I realize that nothing will repair my relations with them and it saddens me that they don't see or love me and they believe a false narrative about me.
I thought that I was in my way to freedom and peace of mind and as soon as I was able to stop to catch my breath.
I reached the point when I don't want to reclaim my name and justice. I just want to regain whatever is left of me but although I have no contact with my cult, I still have some kind of a recording, an inner critic like an inquisitor, running on unable to erase the malware.
I had to break with everyone; now I don't even want to try recovering those relationships. The smears campaigns have been so effective I found myself completely unable, not even willing to fight back. I just left. I don't believe in miracles and I think unworthy the efforts.
I need to find me first. The damage has been much worse than I would ever have thought.
@@Lyrielonwind This inner critic can hang on awhile in recovery; it can be deeply embedded due to neural pathways that formed around negative core beliefs - hence, it is at times an aspect of complex trauma (C-PTSD), as is intense rumination, etc, on painful family matters. This is why assessing and addressing C-PTSD symptoms (and what I call 'family scapegoating abuse trauma) can be critical, as mentioned in my book.
Man can I relate to this. I went to one sister and said "Mom has symptoms of NPD (I shared reputable sources and examples of what I meant) and this explains so much about our family. I have no intention of talking with her about it, but maybe we sisters can work on some stuff.
Response - "You are wasting my time (I spent months, decades really, learning, she spent 3 minutes not listening). You are crazy. You are the narcissist since you think you know everything. (No sources, no examples, no proposal to work on any problem as a family or gain anything from identifying this problem.)
Deep, genuine grief can be a sign of how far you have come in your understanding and recovery. When I see clients experiencing this, I know they are on their way to what I call 'radical acceptance'. For me and many of my clients, moments of deep grief still arise, but it is not such a heavy (sometimes seemingly unbearable) weight: It is more like a big crow that lands on one's shoulder now and again: You acknowledge it, and after a bit of time, it flies away.
I've never heard all of the things my family does explained so well at once. The going along, The Golden Child, I'm the black sheep. Thank you for this information, I've began disconnecting from my family after I was sexually assaulted and went through some therapy. I've studied narcissistic behavior, so this was nice to hear and be validated.
Hi Amanda. Glad this was helpful. The phenomenon I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) can happen in both dysfunctional and narcissistic families. In the former, it can be an unconscious systemic projective defense mechanism. In the latter, it is typically driven by a narcissistic family member (parent, usually) and conscious and deliberate. I'll get a video out about the differences soon.
I am a scapegoat and my mother is passive aggressive, when I am good I am a wonderful daughter. But when I displease her or criticize my brother...whoa i get a snake whipping from her tongue...it would put me into a pool of shame and guilt. At 65 I am still her scapegoat, golden brother lives on another continent and I run around doing her bidding. If I resist I am a selfish little b*tch. I find my self also being the scapegoat to my own children and husband. I have had an ah ha moment, sadly this is the lens through which they see me. Saying no is very hard and leaves me with feelings of guilt.
But I am pushing back, it's been seen as though I have gone a bit mad. My husband called me a fool, so for a week I behaved like a fool, forgot to cook clean and buy food. He was super careful for a while, but every now and then bosses me or gets annoyed or disappointed if I say something inappropriate...I have shut down now as I am too scared to state my own feelings.
It's just tough that I cannot just be me, when I am criticized I feel like a failure. Having a name for what I am is an ah ha moment...I will work on myself now and toughen up.
@@laurienaughtinsublunarastr778 I'm doing a 2-part video that will be out the next two Saturdays. Based on your comment, you will likely find some helpful information in them. I address specifically the feeling of not being able to be yourself - in detail.
Pseudomutuality research helped me. Pseudoviolence I think is the other one
Every single rule applied. Every single one.
Sorry to hear it. Glad you're here. Linking you to my resource list: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
after trying as hard as I could my entire existence to please them and be loved by them, though always feeling like an alien for asking these basic needs, I have gone no contact. It has been almost a year now. it is obviously not what I want but what I need for peace of mind and body.
It can be the only means of gaining traction in one's healing and recovery, especially if complex trauma is present.
Recently became estranged from my two brothers, my last family. All of these sign and symptoms since I was born you speak of in this video. Although very painful it's helpful to have this validation. I was angry and sad about what happened but soon realized I'm free of the toxicity of the family. Never again will I tolerate being abused!
Good to hear you have a clear boundary around this now! Linking you to my FSA survivor resource list for more education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
I’ve tried EVERYTHING and NOTHING works to connect with people in this kind of family system. My parents were both difficult and neglectful on good days. They are gone but my 3 sisters all in our 60’s continue this cycle. I’m SO done with this toxic BS as I attempt to recover and break this intergenerational trauma legacy. I WILL NOT keep on accepting this poor treatment and/or indifference-rejection as OK. The smear campaign headed by Golden Child has been extended all the way to my own adult children. Nasty and shockingly cruel.
You may relate to this video I did awhile back... ua-cam.com/video/-DBJonlk0Co/v-deo.html
Ahhh! The empath role and inter generational trauma! Yeah, that’s me-the sponge for family pain.
Basically these narcissistic families dehumanize you and expect you to accept all aspects of this without question as you meet all of their never-ending needs.
That pretty much sums it up.
Almost exactly like the monotheistic religions and authoritarian totalitarian governments, really. My family, religion (Lutheran) and government tried so very hard to end my life, over and over and over.
I never thought I deserved it……I just became so accustomed to that was how it was. It just continued to get worse the older I got. The advice came from my siblings. There are 7 girls and they all get along with each other but me. They continue to cover our mothers drug abuse and have become users themselves.
The more I broke away from the toxic family issues (multi-baby daddies, welfare, drama, HS drop out, S-abuse etc) the worse it got. I decided enough was enough when i got pregnant with my first child at 29. Been no contact for 4 years and am writing a book about it all. I used to care how my book would make them feel until i realized that i always cared more about their feelings than they ever cared about mine.
Congratulations on following your inner wisdom (and the wisdom of your nervous system, no doubt). Sounds like you may be an Empath type, which I address in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. Did a video also - here's the link, if you are interested, and linking you also to a video on Siblings and scapegoating abuse: 1) ua-cam.com/video/j2lhgSMiTQw/v-deo.html 2) ua-cam.com/video/lhb5WdUV2q0/v-deo.html
“No child should have to earn love from a family” ❤😢
It took me years to figure mine out. The mental pain of breaking one of these rules was so intense that I had to figure out what was triggering these horrid anxiety/self-loathing shame flames, and the effects which could linger for days. Even now at 70, I prefer to be alone so I don't unknowingly break one. It's exhausting to always be on the look-out.
So many here will relate to what you share here. I made this Affirmations playlist as an 'antidote' to these 'rules'. See what you think: ua-cam.com/play/PLXSLEoZOeKOGGSKUrpDNC7Fq_uwFCcxwn.html&si=gyAWS8IY_mUYghmR
These 10 rules were exactly what I experienced as the family scapegoat. You have helped to validate what I knew was happening but never quite put it together like you have. Thank you so much!
You're very welcome. Not sure you have my resource list yet but here it is, just in case - and thanks for supporting my channel with your membership! familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
The 10th rule for me was the harshest one by far !! I couldnt state my opinion without getting shut down instantly !!
THIS!
I am so grateful for you.
Experts like you, who recognized this subtle type of emotional abuse, LITERALLY saved my life.
Thank you so much for the work you do.
You're very welcome! Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors in case you see something of interest: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
What I find funny is more and more memories keep coming up. I spent decades as the scapegoat and never thought of it as abuse. With all the hospitals I was in and rehabs not one person knew about this form of abuse. I suffered from addiction for yrs and always blamed myself. I now know I was just protecting myself and it was just too painful for me to deal with. I take responsibility for my addiction but I don’t blame myself anymore for it. To be in your 50’s and still say I have no idea who I am is a horrible thought. I blocked so much of it out but just recently admitted to myself that my sister was not only cruel she was physically abusing me. I was cleaning my ears with a q-tip when she hit me and the q-tip hit my ear drum I screamed. I put up with punches in the face and ripping my hair out. One day I had enough and my brother had to pull me off of her. Every single rule the doc talked about is 100% true. Why isn’t this making national news, that’s what I don’t understand. It damages so many lives and the mental health community has its head buried in the sand. Thank god for the few who lead the way.
I did this Public Service Announcement some time ago designed for sharing with others. More education of the general public, courts, educational institutions, the mental health field, etc, etc, is needed: ua-cam.com/video/ar426kSxEE4/v-deo.html
In my view, the reason is because wider society is also, a mostly self perpetuating, dysfunctional system governed by the same narcissistic concepts. The system itself is not going to take part in the widespread education of the population. Just as in the dysfunctional family dynamic, the wider social system, always works to uphold the status quo. Just another layer of disfunction to break through and empower oneself beyond.
The way I describe it in one of my videos here is using the analogy of Russian Nesting Dolls. Layer upon layer of systemic 'splitting', as you indicate - I think it may be in this video here: ua-cam.com/video/4CFqA0yWPhs/v-deo.html
The same as a cult. Exactly.
And this is backed up by research.
Wow. I’ve never thought of it that way. I’m almost five years out from breaking ties with my family and the further I get away from the abuse, the more I see how inane it all was. And I always am so mystified as to how I didn’t know it was insane before. But thinking of it like escaping a cult answers a lot.
@@tnijoo5109sending love and light 🙏💚
Wow. I ☑️ every item. I’m 65 and still trying to heal from the years of abuse from my narcissistic mother and family who joined her.
Glad you're here. Checking all 10 is a lot, indeed! Here's a survivor resource list I put together in case you'd like some support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Another rule... Never ever say or show you like someone/something... they will... disappear 😮
Older sibling's taking care if you? He'll be sent far far away to study.
Older aunt is nice to you? You won't go to see her again.
You had a dog? You don't need him anymore... he left...
You enjoy that sport? That's not a sport for you.
And so on and so on
This community here should all co-create a Part 2 of this 'Rules' video. I'll suggest it on our Community board here soon. Yours is a doozy (but true, sadly...).
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
As said in your videos, they don't like any expression of emotions. My narc mother didn't even like me being happy (out of envy I guess as I rarely remember her expressing genuine positive emotions). So these people could make me happy so they had to go. And also to eliminate the risk of me having a support. Scapegoat must never get support and dare to rebel herself against the treatment, as we all sadly know.
As they say, "Rules were made to be broken..."(!)
OMG! I have listened to other videos with similar titles and so reluctantly listened, thinking it would be more of the same. However, I have listened to all of Rebecca's other videos and found them so "spot-on" for me that I decided to listen to this one. It was not like those with similar titles. After listening, I felt that I finally crossed a line into accepting the truth about what my family experience had/has been. I do not in any way think that I am without fault, without a negative role in the whole dynamic, but I do see that my family followed the rules Rebecca enumerated and how these rules impacted me and that I was the scapegoat. I also saw how these rules so horribly hurt the other players, especially the golden child. The pain I feel is sometimes too much as a measure of how well they succeeded in placing the blame on me. I bought their rules hook, line and sinker. So thank you, Rebecca for completing the Intellectual awareness/acceptance of my family system. How to undo the damage is the hard part. I suspect there is no fixing it or undoing it. Learning coping strategies is probably the only next step.
Hi Nancy, I'm glad you decided to watch this particular video. While you cannot "fix" the scapegoating dynamics in your dysfunctional (or narcissistic) family system, you can indeed experience deep healing and recovery (which I discuss toward the end of my book). To clarify and so I understand: Did you mean coping strategies in the sense of still being in touch with family? Or coping strategies in general because you do not know if deep healing from scapegoating is possible?
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse the latter
thanks as always
Her work is unique and so needed!
@@kiskakuznetsova503 Thank you. I'm still amazed there are people who are open to hearing a different (family systems-based) perspective. I know this was the key to my own healing and recovery from FSA over 20 years ago when in grad school. Such a big "A-HA!" moment! Thank you for being here.
It amazes me when I look at the comments, the age of so many of us when the full weight we've carried so long finally drops. I'm 60 and cut with my siblings one year ago. I think I held on hoping things would get better but after my parents passed 19 years ago it got so much worse. I could never have imagined the hatred.
Ditto. And at times, hatred coated with the veneer of ‘love’ - “We love you but…(don’t be a full person, stick to your family role”).
Every one of them. My aunt just told me that my therapist telling me to go no contact was weird. I have lived this and it now has a name. It makes me feel both stronger and terrified at the same time. I’m so thankful that my own kids (22,19, & 14) saw this happening to me their entire childhoods. I was terrified they would go along with it. My oldest assured me that he saw it and would not be part of it. This is such new information to me that I’m still processing that it really wasn’t me all along ?
Relieved to hear your children were not 'indoctrinated' into the (false) 'scapegoat narrative'. To learn more about this form of abuse (what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' / FSA) you will want to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Many people find it very eye-opening - and helpful.
When your kids have more emotional intelligence at the same age as you were, than you - only coz your emotional intelligence had been beaten and damaged by abusers (and theirs has not). 👍🏼. They’ve got your back. You’ve always had theirs, they know it. They know people you grew up with do not and never have had your back and they see it plain as day. Breaking the cycle of violence, abuse and dysfunction is an awesome feeling. In that you know your kids have got a head start in life that you were denied and that despite being told by abusers your whole life you are ‘wrong’, that in reality you’ve achieved far greater with having wonderful kids, than the abusers could ever achieve in their lifetime. I went through similar during and after my beloved mother died. 2 yrs on and going no contact with the disgusting abusers is something I should’ve done decades ago. My kids see through these abusive relatives and want nothing to do with them and that’s ok. I am no longer embarrassed by these abusers. The shame of their behavior and whole existence belongs solely to them. They are not worthy of my energy.
My first boundary, when I realized I could decline abuse was Christmas 1983. I was 19. The only child of three that held multiple part time jobs to pay my way thru college. My sisters, also abusers, were funded by my parents. I had to work a banquet and they were all going to the family ranch, 8 hours away, to have a...family christmas. I was going to fly up, rent a car and join them on the 24th. After a few days with no scapegoat to abuse, they began calling me to blame me for things happening 8 hours from me. After apologizing a few times, the penny dropped and I told them to eff off. I had amazing Christmas with my friends.
So many of us FSA survivors have a 'penny drop' moment. We were talking about this in the Chat area of my Substack FSA community this week, in fact. I think I'll do a video on this topic.
Number 10 is a really amazing point. It perfectly illustrates how defective the family system is. It’s like drinking contaminated water because that’s all you have available.
Well said. Perfect analogy.
There's a catchphrase people use to criticize healthcare/pharma business: "they create the disease in order to sell you the cure." I feel like that sums up my scapegoat family experience, except the cure also happened to be a toxic concoction like they had in the middle ages. They gave me the plague and then said, "Here, take this cup of mercury mixed with dead skinks." Then, when I got worse, they threw their hands up and said God was punishing me for my sins.
Reminds me of what a former client said to me once: "It's like my family broke my wings, and then cursed and condemned me for being unable to fly."
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Exactly so. And as a child, I never once suspected they were constantly setting me up. I always blamed and punished myself right alongside them. It wasn't until I had children of my own that I realized the absolute control parents have, and that what happened to me was messed up to a level beyond anything I thought humans could do. Thanks for your channel and your work. Healing from scapegoat abuse can be so confusing. It is nice to have readily available resources in between therapy sessions.
This is all so true. I was telling my siblings how my mom has treated me horribly and unfairly my whole life. Their response was for me to stop being so negative and focus on the good parts about her. She’s a beautiful person. No one ever takes my side. No one ever has sympathy for me. No matter what, I’m always the problem. I try to bring it up to them and I get told to stop focusing on the past and thing about what I can do moving forward to heal. It’s like they don’t get that they are the problem. They will make every excuse in the world for my mom mistreating me, but never any excuses or “pass” for me. It’s insane.
You describe this key aspect of what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) very well. I'm sure many here will relate to your experience of not being acknowledged or having your pain validated. BTW, if you haven't yet watched my video here on Traumatic Invalidation, you may want to.
they have no desire to stop causing the problem. they are not confused they are actively doubling down on the exact problem you are pointing out. yes its disgusting behaviour.
I feel ya. Complete double standard. So wrong.
Oh yes, the "Quit complaining. You're so negative" thing.....
This is exactly what I have experienced as a family scapegoat. I have been rejected for telling the truth about our family. My brothers praised my parents all the time but seemed to never see the horrid way they treated me and how they ran the family.
This resonates with me except I am a parent who is the scapegoat of my ex and our 2 children. My ex has used coercive control and manipulation to turn our children against me. Triangulation/ parental alienation. There is no word to describe the depth of grief I feel having my beloved children turn on me with extreme false accusations and rewritten memories of their childhood. When I’ve tried to have conversations with them, I’m shut down. If I dare to deny doing things they’ve accused me of, I’m “not taking accountability”. I’m wrong to reach out to fix things and I’m wrong to give them space. I don’t know how much longer I can hold this weight and heart ache. I’m holding on by a thread
The same triangulation tactics were applied to me by my son-in-law who gradually turned my daughter and my two granddaughters against me. I was the main caregiver to my grandchildren before my daughter met this man. My daughter began slandering me behind my back. I became very ill and had to leave the US for medical treatment. Even after my breast cancer diagnosis and surgery my daughter refused to ask about my wellbeing. 35 years of my life have I taken care of my family, only to be a stranger to them now.
Please find a good and caring counselor who can guide you through this difficult time. 🙏❤
Parental alienation via scapegoating is heartbreaking. My work (and research) on FSA focuses more on the scapegoating of the child / adult child. However, I'm linking you to a list of resources I created for FSA adult survivors just in case you find something helpful. www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I relate. It's the most pain I've ever felt having my daughter turned against me by my abusers. It's excruciating pain. Sending love.❤❤
Oops I broke rule number one without even meaning to, as an HSP and an empath and self diagnosed Autistic truth teller and the target and scapegoat AND identified patient, my ptsd from their abuse constantly being thrown back in my face and pathologized as me being "crazy" when I was just traumatized. Just being alive I broke rule number one because everything about me even the look on my face reflected back to them that I didn't like or buy the kool-aid. There was no way for me to hide it. This explains everything.
The WAY FORWARD is to FREE OURSELVES from OUR OLD FAMILY & CREATE OUR OWN LIVES. We can grieve & LET GO of ANY EXPECTATION that our family will FIX US. Our family will never listen or love us the way we need because OUR FAMILY WAS NOT TAUGHT TO LOVE OR SUPPORT EACH OTHER but lives in A TOXIC CULT OF ABUSE. We are free to leave & that is a gift! WE CAN CREATE OUR OWN LIFE but only if we let go of our abusive family!
I identify with all 10 throughout my 66 years of life.
So sorry to hear it. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
To expand upon #7 I would add that even as the scapegoat you are absurdly and incredulously still expected to protect the supposed AND totally false public reputation of your abuser and your abusive narcissistic family structure with anyone and everyone outside of the family. Telling the the truth to outsiders is seen as betrayal by your abuser and his or her enablers and flying monkeys. God forbid that anyone outside the Hell you live in finds out about the inner workings of the evil you suffer through daily. Instead of looking inward to themselves, the narc and birdbrained enablers will turn it around to make you the perp so that the narc then plays the victim somehow even as ridiculous as it sounds. This goes back to the lack of introspection on the part of the narc meaning no acceptance or accountability ever on the part of the narc for abusive behaviors you have clearly and undoubtedly suffered over years or even decades. I have lived this for 60 years and still do. Went no contact in 2011 with my sick and evil narc mother. No regrets.
As you may already know, Dr Jennifer Freyd describes this phenomenon of reversing blame very well via her term 'DARVO': Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
Hit the nail on the head for me! I was/am the scapegoat or black sheep of the family. They’re all narcissists which I got rid of them from my life with the exception of my narcissistic mother who I am unfortunately living with w my young adult children. So I’m using gray rock w her until we can all get out. I will not let them especially my daughter become her next target of abuse the way she abused me. These people are disgusting and it took me 47 years to realize what I was dealing with and up against and I’ll be 49 at the end of this month. The way I look at it is, I won and game over! Now just have to wait until my son and daughter are ready to make their move and then we’re all gone and never looking back….
It usually is a rigged game to begin with. Here's a list of FSA survivor resources I put together in case you are wanting additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
This woman just read my life story. wow. This hit deep in my chest. Gosh.
If you responded that strongly, you may want to read my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed.
I was the family scapegoat, which impacted me at school., (merciless bullying, no friends)
I left home at 16, and there was worse than at school, crimes in fact.
I wonder if you might look at the bigger social picture, and the effect of family scapegoating.
I’m 73 now and it continues. No matter where I live it does not take long before rejection builds up.
I’m gifted too, in art academics and sport. This brings another level of ‘unwantedness’ from jealousy.
Yes, that is an excellent topic for a future video, thank you for this. I'm still out on medical leave and will be having surgery next month so it may be awhile - but I will add it to my list. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story with us here.
I used to just feel terrified in front of the anger against me that came at me very very aggressively from the power people. I fawned by saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Understandable. This is a primal survival strategy - and indeed, can protect a child from further aggression and abuse at times. As we learn to work with 'survival parts', we can begin to appreciate their function that served us at one time - they helped us to survive. However, learning to move beyond the 'fawn' trauma response is also critical to recovery as adults. I speak about this in some videos here, and also in my introductory book on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you, Rebecca. I am in the UK and I have bought a new one, your book from Amazon.
Thanks so much for this - You just described my family. I laughed out loud in identification. I feel strangely validated…
Speaking of validation - if this is new to you, you may want to watch this: ua-cam.com/video/8BQ5Vrarp1g/v-deo.html
You have to accept being treated badly to stay connected to the family… omg, I’ve even carried this behavior into adulthood… I guess I deserve it OMG… no I do not… thank you Dr and I’m starting therapy tomorrow and I’m looking forward to learning more here 🙏
You're very welcome. I do hope you can read my book on this form of systemic abuse ('Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'); many people have told me that their therapists are happy to read it as well to support the work on FSA recovery. Best of luck!
Bought your book, read the whole thing in one sitting, highly recommend. Related to all the questions. 7 months no contact, only the start of the journey so far
Thank you for letting me know. Linking you to this video here on ending contact, in case you missed it: ua-cam.com/video/F1VH48JwuNA/v-deo.html
Resonates loud and clear! Thank you for opening my eyes!
You are so welcome.
I always wondered how they all seemed to focus on me. My problem was I used to correct them…..I paid for it, each time.
Thank you again. Every single one rings true. It's a strange irony when you have this knowing and yet compulsion to try to make them see and understand you when you know that this is fruitless. But nevertheless, you are convinced that you may one day be justified by them. Of course, it's the very same affliction that drives this compulsion and only a complete surrender to love yourself can suffice. It's a tremendous leap to have the courage to stand, especially when you feel like you are outnumbered and just standing seems a task. It's like standing before your tribe and they have predetermined you are guilty of treason before you say a word.
Powerful observations. Speaking of which: I wrote an article awhile back and mentioned the novel 'The Trial' by Franz Kafka. I'm linking it to you here. You will see why when you read it. www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2022/06/29/injustices-of-family-scapegoating-fsa/ I also have a video here on injustices related to FSA. You can check that out here: ua-cam.com/video/mKxelQqKQN4/v-deo.html
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
Thank you and I will definitely check these out along with your book.
It is both affirming and unsettling to have it all laid out so systematically and accurately. Thank you. While I do take comfort in knowing that I was not alone in experiencing these things, I can't help feeling like society will just keep letting children down until it figures out how to identifiy and address these family dynamics from outside the family. Scapegoat children are the victims and cannot be expected to grasp what is happening to them and report it. And we're not even talking about "crimes" here, per se, even though these family dynamics are abusive and deeply damaging to those of us who suffer in these family systems. Some families are so skilled at this stuff that the abuse is not consciously registered even in adulthood. In my experience, it carried on for 53 years before I woke up. In 2001 I might have told you I had a relatively normal upbringing. By 2024, I can identify severe physical and emotional abuse, a number of sexual assaults on me (all by people outside the nuclear family), severe neglect, and a systematic denial and dismantling of my boundaries and independent point of view. I see now that it destroyed that first five decades of my life, and this one has been no picnic, either. I wish I could sue for the damages. Anyway, I know many people would say we don't need "the government" poking its nose into private family business, but how else are we going to save children from these horrors? And rest assured, non-abused people, they are horrors. CPTSD is, for now, the story of my life.
So many here will relate to your experiences - myself included. I think about this a lot - how to protect scapegoated children. The systems that families exist within are not educated on these forms of ‘invisible’ abuse (medical, educational, religious, etc). Hence my dedicating myself to raising awareness and educate others wherever and whenever I can, and in any way I can, starting with my research and giving this insidious form of abuse a name: Family scapegoating abuse (FSA). Once we name something, we can begin to understand it better, and deal with it.
Me too, I lived with it for decades.
Yes! I can relate to all of theses rules. The tragedy for me is I have repeated this dynamic over and over again in my adult life. Rebecca, about a year ago you responded to an email I had written to you by me asking if I was published as a writer. I treasured that and I am in the process of writing a fictionalized story of my family. I am afraid even though this is presented as fiction I will be rejected. My sadness is this. I am well into my senior years and I live in poverty in a rather lawless city community. My narcissistic professor former husband lives financial well off. I invested years serving him ( I was his slave) and he is enjoying the
cream of a profession. Acknowledgement: My family robbed me of my confidence...I am only now going for my gifts, abilities and high intelligence. Thank you for your empowering work. You have helped me go for Life.
Gloria, I hope you know you’re not alone.I’m one of many people that have been scapegoated by our own families and or significant others, and one reason why they gravitate to us, is we have attributes they don’t possess. These Covert Narcissists seek us out, since we are the secret ingredient to ensure they achieve Success.Plz remember our thoughts and beliefs become reality. I try to be mindful of my prayers,and pray as thou my prayers are already answered. I’ll keep you in mind, and know will have angels watching over you😇🦋😇🦋😇
@glorianelson976 So good to hear from you, and I remember you and your writing very well. And I'm SO glad you are writing your fictional work! Let me know when its published, I can post about it for the community here so they know it is available for purchase.
I can relate to your story and would LOVE to read your novel. ❤
Thank you for the videos. They are such a helpful reminder of the wisdom in your book. Since my parents passing I’ve realized that the only way my siblings would stay in relationship with me would be if I continued to adhere to the tenth rule, “you must tolerate poor treatment and abuse within your family to remain connected to them”. The therapist has helped me to face the painful reality that my siblings are unlikely to change.
Me too. It feels to me like my sisters are trying to keep things the same after my mother's death. They do not know how to operate outside the roles they were assigned in our family system - the golden daughters are freaking out that the mom who indulge them is gone, vying for approval from their dad and each other - one can easily see where that leaves me regardless of what I've always offered the family and who I truly am. Things are not going to change, unless to get worse when my dad dies, so I have to change, but there is a huge part of me that is excited about the space and possibility this creates.
@@MF-my3db thank you for this reminder. I’m still grieving a lot but I also feel such relief! I am free now. I no longer have to participate in this circus show of dysfunction! I will love
them from a distance!!!
Yes, the 10th rule is one that all scapegoated adults must carefully consider. I always ask my clients around this issue of level of contact: "What would serve your healing and recovery from FSA at the HIGHEST level?"
@@MF-my3db In the end, the one who is not accepted by the system for not 'complying' or agreeing to accept the 'scapegoat' role finds they are the most liberated (on many levels) in the end. Did you already watch my video on sibling estrangement?
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes, I did watch it and found it extremely helpful. So much information on narcissism is as regards romantic relationships and doesn't even feel research based. I've been hungry to find good information about family systems. Thank you so much for your work!
I was my mothers indentured servant for 25 years due to her stroke. After she died I was expected to become the indenture servant to my siblings, and their family’s, as well as my Aunt and Uncle, that was until I refused, now I no longer exist. That’s how sick and controlled minded they are.
This explains my situation to a tee. Thank you.
I made these three affirmation videos as an antidote to these unspoken family 'rules'. You may find them helpful - Many people tell me they do: ua-cam.com/play/PLXSLEoZOeKOGGSKUrpDNC7Fq_uwFCcxwn.html
Good for you, I told my family,no I'm not going to be that one in the family that is expected to be the nursemaid to the sick or disabled ones. They tried to get me to take on a seriously disabled relative but no I'm not going to be that one. Now they have to deal with that person collectively, no wonder they've been angry & abusive to me lately...they expected me to find a place & take this problem off their hands & I said no,can't do.
We are fine when doing what benefits them,as soon as you say no,the True feelings come out.
Its incredible to watch.
Im amazed how my brothers treated me never clearer than when my mom died.
It was like being in the Twilight Zone
So sorry this happened to you. I address this dynamic in this video - what can happen with siblings when a (scapegoating) parent dies: ua-cam.com/video/lhb5WdUV2q0/v-deo.html
Narcissist dont love anything except themselves. Dont waste your time.
I would argue that they do not even love themselves. There is no (true) 'self' to love.
I have bipolar 1 disorder I’m an empath and the scapegoat of my family. My feelings are not to be discussed otherwise they are invalidated or I’m told they are an exaggeration or just plain lies. It’s so exhausting to constantly live in my own head and be so completely lonely!
Jennifer, there is nothing wrong with you. You are an empath and your family has tormented you. Hope you are not on meds. In my 30s-50s I fell for that. When I found book by Elaine Aaron on HSP, it was like successful therapy! Which I never got since age 28 when I first confronted my mother. There were not these amazing channels when I started healing. I am 70 now. I have survived, but often wonder what I could have achieved in a healthy environment. Blessings to you, dear one. 🙏🏼🤍⚖️🕊
@@christinalw19 thank you for making me feel validated and heard, it’s a rare thing for me to share in case someone sees it but I’m glad I felt prompted to share with you. I’m so warm and tingly and it’s not an anxiety attack for once cause I’m breathing just fine and smiling ❤️
@@jenniferbate-mz3ylI’m not getting my notifications. Yikes. Yes, I see you and hear you, Dear One. You just keep on being yourself and validating who YOU ARE! You are just great. Do your thing, be happy, and to heck with the tormentors. Get them a big mirror. They hate that. 😉👍🏼👍🏼🤍
Glad im living by MY rules finally.
OH how I long for that day!!
If I succeed, they will abandon me.
This comment hit me hard. I always had to make sure I didn't know anything and if I did I had to perform some self depreciating humor to make up for such an agregious mistake.
I eventually chose friends and boyfriends that were the exact same way.
This ruined so much of my life. All of it actually.
@@jenniferfox8382 I'm sorry we both have had to deal with the cruelty of those who are supposed to "love" us.
I won't give up trying to make my life better. I hope you do the same.
Stay strong. We know the truth.
My adult son seems to.have.inherit narcissism from other family members and is using me as his scapegoat. I am 87 years old and have no other family to help me. He has been very supportive as long as I don't make waves but recently found out he has run up several thousand dollars of debt on my credit card. I have scrupulously avoided debt all my life. If I die owing all this my good name is ruined and that of my God, Jehovah.
Hi Pat, there are laws in place to protect elderly people from financial abuse. I cannot speak to your particular situation, but this is a guide that you might take a look at or show somebody you trust implicitly who can help you, if you feel this is what is happening to you: www.medicareadvantage.com/complete-guide-to-elder-financial-abuse
I think I broke all of these rules...wow. No wonder all hell broke loose against me, my God.
Good for you!! (But you likely paid a big price for such impertinence!)
Same 😮
They do treat their scapegoat child especially like a voodoo doll in terms of putting all of the nastiness within them into you
the most ancient form of abuse-- SCAPEGOATING
Yet typically does not happen in indigenous / tribal societies, where they understand they need each other to survive. I have friends who grew up indigenous and they can't even wrap their minds around scapegoating dynamics. What hurts the individual hurts the tribe.
The Covert Narc Ex I divorced would do the DARVO non stop. Now our adult kids, ages 37 and 40 also do it. They watched him use me, devalue and degrade me. They absolutely knew (and I did not know)...Their Dad was doing a huge smear campaign behind my back. They new he was doing bait and switch games. Both Adult kids behave just like he does. I divorced him 23 years ago and since then, he uses our Adult kids to do all of his abuse tactics. I remarried and Grateful to God he is a very good very honest man....12 years and we get along fine, always. The Toxic Group...Ex and Adult kids have tried every scheme they can dream up to destroy my relationship with my husband. 43 years of their abuse is too much. Husband and I moved 800 miles away...and I can not even make myself want to be around the adult kids anymore. I miss them...and then I remember all of the abuse and pathological lying they will do. Now, I trust God, and work on a relationship with GOD FIRST....and I don't want adult kids that seek to use and harm other people's lives. They don't deserve a mother....they need a new scapegoat. My husband has gone far our of his way to do good things for them with me. He agrees....they return evil for good.
Yes, I would spontaneously cry whenever in the presence of my Father and then be mocked, shamed or excluded. My Mother would tell me that I was overly sensitive or dramatic for any normal display of emotion. It was so confusing.
I have been ostracized and isolated from the extended family and my character has been defamed.
My Father almost killed us all and bringing up this or any of the lifetime abuses by both parents was met with deflection, mocking or shaming.
How is it that these disordered characters all use the same tactics?
If there is a narcissist within a hundred mile radius it seems I will be found by them.
Will have to revisit "Ordinary People" if/when
I can handle it.
Hi Kimberly - I know this one well, both personally and professionally. Would you identify as possibly being the family Empath?
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes and aren't we in good company then? It's an extremely difficult road, but I am grateful our paths have crossed. Your ultimate work in defining this phenomenon, labeling it and helping others recover is commendable 🙏
@@kimberlymccracken747 Thank you, it is rewarding that the message is being heard more widely this past year. The first two years were tough-going!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you for staying with it - I needed this message in this way and from someone who has experienced it firsthand 👍❤️🙏
Thank you for sharing this valuable information. I am an adult child family scapegoat and all of those rules applied to me!! Wow!! I’ve never heard them said out loud like that!! Thanks for sharing!
You’re welcome. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors - The Facebook group there is private and run by Rhonda - tell her I sent you if you join: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Also, being expected to fall on your sword at all costs because my losses were valued much less and was expected.
GREAT video and really helps to connect dots - ty ❤
Glad you're here. More resources on my website and in the menu at www.scapegoatrecovery.com.
It was a little unnerving, at first, to realize you had based this entire video on my family system, but by the end I was grateful that at least you did not name names.
So much catharsis here, just hearing all of this spoken aloud. Thank you again! Great work on this channel. I will keep digging as time allows.
Actually, my book and all of my articles and videos are based on years of my researching on this form of psycho-emotional, systemic abuse, which I eventually named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). I had over 1000 research respondents on one study alone. Sound like you related to these 10 rules! (And, thank you - and you're welcome!)
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes, of course. Just joking about my family, but the conformity to these rules is uncanny. I never knew or suspected how typical they really were. It's enough to make you wonder if Tolstoy got it exactly backwards when he wrote that all happy families are alike and each unhappy one is unhappy in its own way.
@@onshiplessoceans1675 Hmmm - Too bad we can't ask Tennessee Williams to chime in...!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse True, for now, at least until the Tennessee Williams AI bot comes along.
My brief marriage was 100 percent influenced by the narcissist family system with my wife being the scapegoat and her sister being the golden child. That mixed with both our traumas from past relationship and life while lacking proper coping or communication skills- it blew up quick.
I’m stunned I’m not alone
Definitely not alone. Here's a list of resources I put together in case you are seeking additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and healing modalities to try to heal my asthma. Does anyone else on here have asthma from being the black sheep? Grief can be carried in the lungs
You may want to watch my video here: ua-cam.com/video/ytSdn8nQCBg/v-deo.html
5:30 When I protected a family member from abuse, I was made to apologise to the abuser! At that young age, it was drummed into me that right was wrong and wrong was right. It's a miracle I grew up knowing right from wrong.
Yes, this was the case for many of my FSA research respondents - some of my clients as well over the years. This sort of reversal is captured brilliantly by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, who coined the acronym / concept of 'DARVO': Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender'. I wrote an article about this here and will do a video on it soon - Article here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2022/01/07/darvo-when-the-abused-are-revictimized-by-their-abuser/
Thanks for these , all very true..Its painful to realize there is nothing to be done except leave and close the door on them,
And by the time that door closes, most FSA adult survivors have tried and tried and tried. Without reciprocity, it is futile and exhausting.
Your content breaks down this painful subject in such a profound way. Unfortunately, this was my role and at the age of 61, I still struggle to overcome the damage it caused. I have listened to so much regarding the role of the scapegoat in the dysfunctional family. This video helps me to grasp the deception surrounding the scapegoat. The insight I gained gives me hope to stand firm without wavering. There are many of us in this together and your knowledge gives us the tools to keep moving forward. Very grateful for your shared wisdom.
I very much appreciate your comment. I am one of "us" here as well. Glad you're here - Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
The biggest one is the narcissistic family will tell you to sensitive and you think the whole world is out to get you. I had a life coach tell me that of course children of narcissistic abuse feel this way when it’s projected onto them because the narcissistic family can be the whole world to the empathic child.
I have a video here on scapegoating and being the family Empath you may want to watch; I also address this in my first book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed).
Both of my parents were narcissistic. At 58 yrs of age, I decided that I was better off without the “rules” presented to me at an early age. There were 7 siblings besides me so my mom especially had a field day deflecting and changing rules. Being 3rd oldest, I always found myself at the bottom of the heap. Alliances between others changed frequently and when I found myself standing alone, I picked up w/o warning and was gone. It’s been 5 yrs now and I am living my BEST life😉
Good to hear you are living life fully now.
It's been about 6 years for me now too and it all started width about 15 years of no holidays with them and a lot less stress, heartache, and worries
Thank you for your videos. I knew I was scapegoated but I didn’t realize the extent, nor did I have words for some of the behaviors/patterns I felt/saw. Thank you for elucidating them for me…
I have another rule for you, in addition to your 10 (which I absolutely identified with), that I find to be true in my family at least:
you must always stay on the bottom of the family pecking order. Even as an adult, and even if your other sibling(s) have children, YOU are not worthy of respect and must still keep to your place on the bottom. And if you dare to challenge that position you will be punished and put in your place, in one way or another.
Yes, this can be very true, and may be especially true if the scapegoated adult child is the youngest sibling (although this is not always the case, of course). And - you're welcome!
Same is true for me!!…example on a family trip (the ONE time I was invited, when everyone else goes every year for many years now!) we all stayed in a beach house; my son and I shared the smallest room in the house with an extremely uncomfortable futon for both of us…my sister’s children, who are close to my son’s age, had a very nice room with a nice king size comfy bed!
@@marthawatkins7184 This has happened to so many people I've heard from - including clients. It's definitely associated with FSA, based on my research.
@marthawatkins7184 I’m sorry to hear that.😢 You and your son deserve better than that. We all do.
I was the youngest cousin and was often mocked and teased by the other cousins. I thought 'when I grow up they'll respect me' and longed for their approval. Then in my 30s, at one family event, my cousin's child mocked me for something I did when I was a child (that another adult cousin had told her about!) I realised then that it was a dynamic that would never change, no matter how old I got.
I am 57 years old. The cycle that began with my family of origin set me up for being vulnerable to similar people, incl my son's father (an abusive alcoholic), this man was never involved with my son, until at 14 my son was lured away without my knowledge (I had been vilified behind my back, son manipulated into silence). So parental alienation for 10 years. Then sporadic content until present day: my 30s son, his wife and baby. Prioritize son's father and realm of similar, I am the discarded rejected scapegoated parent and now grandparent. Have just lived the 10 Rules, exemplified in such traumatic events I am left with and overwhelming grief, and loss. Can't do it on my own, but try finding any therapist with openings much less one with experience with this. The impact this has had on me, my life!
I would notice growing up that I was the different one. Even though I did not bring problems to my family, I was looked at like some kind of specimen in a lab. My dad was the only one who did not do that. I thought why is that? I started taking notice of this when about 12-13 yrs. of age. My dad passed away when I was 16yrs. old and the family dynamics did not change for me.
No matter what I accomplished and how I worked it to show I am not an enemy, I come in peace, still I have continued to be the outcast.
Thank you for your video.
You're welcome. FSA and its consequences is a heavy burden to bear. I hope you find some comfort and support here.
am speechless to hear these 10 rules. this has been my life with my family of origin ( father and brother). lots to think about
Glad you're here. If you are resonating this strongly, you may want to read my introductory book on FSA, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. Also linking you to my resource list: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
All of this is so spot on. I really feel validated but kinda sad too.
Me as well
Here's my resource list in case you are seeking more information and support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
8:06 that is so true I always heard I was jealous of my sister. But I never felt jealous what I felt was unjusted. She could go to her friend's house and sleep over and I couldn't. She could do ballet and I couldn't etc etc
Yes, this sense of injustice is one that children are particularly sensitive to. You may want to watch a related video I did here: ua-cam.com/video/mKxelQqKQN4/v-deo.html
Idem
The more time goes by, the more people who come to ask for help - the more language there seems to be available to describe my upbringing in a way that finally validates my experiences of trauma and abuse. I am so grateful to have found your channel and for the work that you’ve done/are doing. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 💜
You're very welcome. My latest video here describes how the research-based term I created, 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) came to be: ua-cam.com/video/DhBoJRzgcuA/v-deo.html
Ohhh I’ve totally watched it and I will be taking in all of your content, likely multiple times over! It was complete kismet for me to find your channel at this time - I’ve finally decided I’m ready to begin writing a book on my upbringing. Here’s to shedding more light, compassion and understanding on these dysfunctional family systems, so we can learn to do better. 💜
Good to hear. Here's a resource page I put together for FSA adult survivors as well: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Wow, this is exactly everything I have experienced as the scapegoat in the family system. Our children took on the same attitudes of the extended family to the point of hating me while loving my "golden-child" husband.
Sadly, my FSA research indicates this is very common (your own child being turned against you). I discuss this briefly in my video here: ua-cam.com/video/-DBJonlk0Co/v-deo.html
Didn't realize what had happened to me until after a suicide attempt in my early thirties when I began to awake from the stupor the family's system had encased me in. Many times older complicit siblings would set me up for Mommy Dearest's denunciation in front of them all, or deliberately misunderstand something I may have said or done and 'make a mountain out of a molehill' when they'd done so much worse!
It's a lot to wake up to, isn't it? In my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) I reference the movie 'The Matrix' - It is like waking up from a virtual reality into REALITY. Quite a shock to the system.
This sounds a lot like the church that I grew up in. Thanks to these video's and others, I got the hell out of there. My mental health improved by like 200%.
Good to hear!
I am caregiver for my mother because none of my 4 sibs who live near her will take care of her. I challenged my mother today about her supporting a sib of mine who is spreading a false narrative about me and my husband. I asked that my mother tell family members the truth because she knows the truth and they would believe her, not me.
Big mistake. My mother suddenly isn’t sure she remembers what happened. Not only that but she came at me out of left field with something completely off topic. Then said “You ruined this family. It’s YOUR fault”.
And that’s the nicest thing she said! I’m devastated. She didn’t back me up and I’m the one who was left with the burden of taking care of her.
Sadly, I am not surprised. The defensive maneuvers are a site to behold. This sounds like a classic case of 'DARVO' (J. Freyd): Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. I mention this in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. I also wrote an article about DARVO here - see if you related: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2022/01/07/darvo-when-the-abused-are-revictimized-by-their-abuser/
Thank you Rebecca. I read your DARVO article. It’s helpful to understand it. That said, it doesn’t change the feeling or the experience of it. Especially a life long experience of it. Ireally hurts when people don’t “see you” - it’s a combo of severe frustration mixed with despair. Then the double wammy is -they hurt you by ruining your relationships with others, damaging your reputation, and abusing you more if you stand up for yourself. Very painful and stressful, and can make you sick even if you go no contact because of the injustice, isolation, loneliness, stress of having no one to count on if you need help with something.
As I have said more than once in interviews and in videos here: FSA is a horrific form of (systemic) abuse. Once you understand it, you understand what might need to be done to not just survive - but thrive.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you so much for your very helpful responses. I wasn’t expecting that when I wrote. Very kind of you. I’d like to get to that part - (thrive)!
"Believe nothing; entertain possibilities..." (!)
This is so true! I could literally relate to 90% percent of these “ rules”. I am the truthteller .. scapegoat, .. that’s been outcast, betrayers and thrown under the bus for being real . Narcissistic mother calls me a liar when I speak truth. My sister devalues truth & expects me to push down my feelings even when I’ve been at my expense.. it’s intolerable for me because I cannot live a lie. My sister “expects “ me to never speak the truth .. but hold it in. for the benefit of her husband. The expectations are off the chart.. in what they expect & demand of the scapegoat while none of these rules apply to any of them. Its not tolerable for me to be around it. I have PTSD from all the cultish garbage now. Just can’t take it anymore. 🙏
The movie "Ordinary People" was tremendously healing for me, even though I could not say exactly why, at first. That was when I knew I had to do some digging. You can watch instructional video's too,
But nothing teaches like 1 good example.
Thank you for being so clear and articulate about the rules…. when you know the truth then your head spins less because you were forewarned. Its so very sad this goes on in families. I know all too well from experience.
The rules are very clear to those of us who specialize working with dysfunctional / narcissistic family systems (and/or who grew up in them and figured it out on their own). Glad you found these helpful.
No one challenged or was allowed to speak about the leaders behavior.
The leader thought i was eating too much. My mother put a cooler of food in my closet as a supplement to what i was allowed to have in the kitchen.
I was treated like the family dog. Occasionally i did a trick and everyone acted surprised i could walk and talk at the same time. Sometimes they spoke at me. Sometimes they took me with them places. As i reached my teenage years they just left open the door and let me roam free. Occasionally a family member would hide cash in my room- my treat to hunt and find so i could buy things like school lunch or mcdonalds.
If i was insulted, which only happened a handful of times, my mother would just laugh it off. "Oh I dont pay any attention to him" or i had to pitty him becauae he had such a hard life with all his responsibilies.
When I was really young i wasnt allowed to call the police during their fights-they ripped the phone out of the wall to prevent me feom calling for help.
I lost my childhood, teenage years and most of my adult life. I surrounded myself with narciasistic cult like friends and boyfriends. I missed the opportunity to have a family and now in my mid 40s I cant really see much of a future.
They ruined my life.
Such dynamics mirror a narcissistic family system. ua-cam.com/video/qwENzJQo92I/v-deo.html
I believe it's possible to heal if you're willing to do what it takes, and although I am sorry for this experience, I do believe you are on the cusp of being able to fly. You didn't reach out for your message to fall on deaf ears, just on the right ears. It's gonna take work, find people you can work with, who believe what you believe and will encourage you, and don't give up ❤
With you sister. Love you
As the former scapegoat in a very abusive narcissistic family, I can say this video is 100% accurate. I wish this sort of information was available when I was being tortured by my sick family. Please keep these informative videos coming. Subscribed!
Thank you for subscribing, Jonathan. I hope you visit the home page and check out my playlists. All my videos are inspired directly by subscriber questions and suggested topics, as well as my work with survivors of family scapegoating and my FSA research. Glad to have you here and I appreciate your comment about my work.
I had a terrible dream last night with my sister telling people I had done bad things. She portrayed me as the cruel one- because I had walked away from a horrific scapegoating. I was so angry, scared and felt betrayed. I now see the dream as DARVO. It was the worst feeling I ever felt. The dream was terrifying.
This is a dream that as a clinician I associate with complex trauma symptoms due to what I named 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA). If you didn't watch last week's video, you might (6 Clinical Consequences of FSA) - and this Saturday I am releasing part 2 of this video, it is on Structural Dissociation. And yes - that would be an example of DARVO, which I also mention in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed).
I had a similar dream involving my sisters! And it's just so scary. Sometimes I'll have an experience like that with my sisters that's not as intense as the dreams but the dream will come into my head then I realize what it's trying to say. These videos have been SO helpful too!
@@radfem2010 Good to hear, Marzy. Glad you're here.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you for you! I appreciate your videos so much. I'm a truth teller. I called out my younger brother's drug addiction and I think he still resents me for that. I wish I had seen your videos years ago. I actually instinctively did no contact with my family and it was great even though I felt sad. Alas, I got sucked back in to the family again. I did have some questions about the role of addiction in these family dynamics. Alcoholism and addiction run in my family tree. Two out of four of us did rehab for drugs or alcohol and to fit in my family you have to drink a lot. I am not into that and was ridiculed for that. My father drove drunk when I was a child in the car and nearly killed my sister and I when he flipped the car over. I just wonder if there's a connection somewhere with addiction and dysfunctional/narcissistic/scapegoat family dynamic. I don't fit in the family anyway unless I toe the line they want me to toe, like I don'tlike to drive so I get ridiculed for that but then I thought, between my younger brother and sister they totaled THREE family cars. My brother on his first day he had his license. My sister totaled two in three months. And they were treated as if that was something that happened to them not something they actively did. Even though they were at fault.
When I was just a small child, I knew then that I would some day have to educate others about my own experiences, as I also knew they would be reflected elsewhere other than only in my family. I did not know it would take me 57 years to do it, and even then I am only in my first year of action. That action started with not only accepting that I will never have, ever, the kind of fair and healthy family life I deserved, but most especially going to the police with all that had occured. I never felt more free than to report the crimes and the atmosphere from which those crimes stemmed, to the police. You may not all have experienced the ciminality that can stem from narcissism, but I am willing to bet that it is more common than not.
Also important is that I knew by doing this, I was permanently severing the ties with my family, not only in life, but inside my head. It was not pain-free action, but it got better and better as the year went on. It allowed me to accept the reality and to move on with my own life, as it should be. BETTER LATE THAN NEVER -- I swear!! Loving it.
Thank you, Kim. This is part of moving into the stage of 'radical acceptance' I discuss here, in my book, articles, and elsewhere. This is when the deepest healing begins. I commend you for reporting the crimes done to you, and celebrate your year of change and launching yourself into recovering from narcissistic abuse and family scapegoating abuse.
I really liked your comment on righteous anger, justice and toxic shame being a rock that can be difficult to get over in the healing process- I think that’s a great way of describing it!
Another topic I would like for you to cover is what to do if your adult children seem to go along with the family of origin narrative of you. They hate it when you talk about any negative aspects of your family of origin, and think that you are a troublemaker. I now feel smeared by my own adult children too.
Yes, I do have this down from others as a suggested topic. It is one of the most profoundly difficult aspects of family scapegoating abuse and can lead to a form of parental alienation, driven by scapegoating grandparents.
I have been feeling the same way regarding my adult children. I’ve come to see that it’s best that I not try to explain or defend myself to them anymore. It is what it is. If my own children can’t see it I’ve gotta let it go. In reality I raised my children to be loving and respectful of
their aunts before I understood what I was dealing with. In time the truth always comes out and my sisters will show themselves to be who they are. I’m working on detaching and being grey rock and seeing my sisters
for who they are not who I want them to be. It’s probably the most difficult and painful thing I’ve ever done.
I live that too and could never say anything that was done to me or show any regards or boundaries for myself. Sorry it isnt what you prob dreamed of happeni g.
I live in another country, that prevents spreading the smear campaign. My daughter is "mine".
I believe that others cant see and understand if they not have the same expirience.
Its not puzzel piece that you can lift up and exchange with an other one. Its much more complexed. Its deep in The family structer. Everbody is to blame... more or less.
You need to understand and grief and then be far away carying the understanding and freedom with you. Alone. As I see it. They never change