THE COMPASSION PARADOX in narcissistic relationships
Вставка
- Опубліковано 6 вер 2024
- LONDON ENGLAND WORKSHOPS:
September 5-7, 2024
www.narcissist...
NORTH CAROLINA RETREAT
November 1-3, 2024
artoflivingret...
ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/no...
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani....
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramanine...
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRU...
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9G...
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple...
Spotify: open.spotify.c...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.c...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
I had a rough childhood but that's no excuse to abuse people. I'm certainly not going to make excuses for someone who abused me
Thank you for expressing this. Very simply stated and well said.
Amen!
في إحدى نوبات يأسها سمعت أمي تغمغم: ”لا بد للرب من أن يبيح السرقة أحياناً، من أجل إطعام الأطفال." - كاتب كولومبي، غابرييل غارسيا ماركيز. # GabrielGarcíaMárquez
Thank you! My brother did too but chose to be an emotionally abusive a****** with 0 emotional intelligence.
True! I always said I learned how not to be from past experiences.
Having compassion for the narcissist is what got me here in the first place. I tolerated the intolerable. My mistake, but never, ever again❤.😊
Me too! My narcissistic spouse of 30 years had a very abusive father, so I let a lot of his horrible behavior slide. No more. He's walked all over me, ridiculed me, lied to me repeatedly, and gave me an incurable STI. That was the final straw! I'm done (secretly saving to escape this hell).
RIGHT?!🤣
I know exactly what you mean. Me too. He’s been in my life for 51 yrs now. No matter what I’m feeling on the inside nowadays, on the outside I’m indifferent . As non reactive as I can possibly be. Just now for instance he said he was going to get a new cooler for the house ( we’ve been without one for a few years and we live in the high desert ) I just said okie-dokie and walked away. I have also learned that to get happy at the prospect of something good happening is a total waste of time and energy.
Stay strong. Guard your heart, guard your mind.
@@NIKKISNOODLE
So amen. 44 years. I’m building a house for me
My mind is blown right now.
Your comment and one below:
"It's the kind of thing that turns you into a doormat."
You have just answered my social anxiety Sisyphus weigh that is pushing me down and keeping me in rumination pureOCD worry since 1990s. I can't believe it.
I sought the answer to the question how to detach.
I wasted so much money, time, rumination on therapy, self help books, you tube videos, articles for 30+ years.
And you -
You answered it.
That is the answer -
my own goodness, trying to be normal healthy and civilized with toxic dark triad - is what kept me sick and socially anxious for all those years. And then I would wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
I am speechless.
It's the kind of thing that turns you into a doormat.
You just answered my question - how to detach.
The question that I seek answer since 1996.
The secret is in our empathy and compassion and our humanness and being nice, kind civilized normal healthy person. that keeps me attached.
They want you to care about them but they don't want to care about you. It's that simple.
Sometimes they care about you. But only when they want. Not when it's necessary.
Absolutely
Sounds like most far-left democrats
I love comments on this thread video. Amazing people !
Giving compassion to the narcissist is like giving sympathy for the devil.
I'll give the Devil some sympathy (it was a kickass song and a great youtube creapypasta story) but I'll also keep my F-ing distance.
They are the scorpion that can not help themself, treat that inability to control themself with the respect it deserves.
@@scurvofpcp yes, but Lead by example. You still need to be consistent, in your karma. Show no compassion,..and then there's no compassion to EVER be spoke about. xo
Why is the devil not deserving of sympathy?
@@paulh6949 they are the minority plenty of other people in this world to be compassionate towards👍
@heathera.1920 the devil will never ask for sympathy...if he asks for sympathy he won't be the devil😅
I think of my grandpa who had the most difficult childhood I could possibly imagine but grew up to be the most compassionate man I’ve ever known. If he could survive horrible abuse and come out the other side a kind and gentle person, so could have my narc who only endured a fraction of that trauma and came out a monster.
It’s easy to be kind and compassionate to nice people. It takes a genuinely kind and compassionate (and strong) person to remain kind and compassionate in the face of those who seek to destroy that.
This world needs more grandpas that refuse to be turned cold. ❤️
The biggest strength we can have as human beings is to forgive and empathize with someone who treated us cruelly and forgive them for never being sorry.
@@laurenbeals705 just remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to let them back in your life. It just means you’re not going to fixate on them or seek revenge.
When you show compassion for narcissistic people they will take that compassion and use it against you as a weapon.
Edit: Dr Ramni's book, "It's Not You" is so helpful and insightful. Definitely recommend it!
So Brilliant. Why do people insist on compassion towards Narcissists when it makes NO difference in the lives of the Narcissists, and ends up enabling them?!
ACoA and ACE programming - operant conditioning since childhood due to parents who were mentally ill undiagnosed, untreated, Aspergers and codependents. That is why.
It's like.... I'm NOT allowed to have compassion for myself..... I'm simply not allowed, ever, under any circumstance no matter how abusive... thx 👍❤❤❤
Yes, this is the reality for most Survivors. In her videos, Dr. Ramani talks about finding ways that the Narcissist is not aware of, or within ourselves. Yes, easier said than done.
I feel so guilty for having left, maybe I am bad is what rings in my head. Where does one even start
@@swatiahuja7758 That's the Trauma Bond and Cognitive Dissonance talking, and ALL Survivors go through it. You have done NOTHING wrong or bad. Dr. Ramani is fantastic. I did a search for "Guilt" videos for you: www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/search?query=feeling%20guilty
Today I had this blast from the past memory. I am 71. When I was growing up I remember that the common belief was "How you treat a person is more of a reflection of the type of person you are rather than them" When did this get flipped so that we are automatically expected to "forgive others". Forgiveness used to be a topic between you, God and your confessor (in my case a priest). When did my willingness to "forgive" become a topic for the entire congregation? Since when has it become their right to examine MY conscience rather than their own. I do remember when it became fashionable to "understand" why people act the way they do however we seem to have forgotten that regardless of how you got there, you are still responsible for YOUR actions. Victims of narcissistic abuse seem to have become responsible for everyone's actions.
I felt very validated by this video. I was doubting that I pushed a nice guy away. A guy, who blame shifted each time when I expressed a concern. A guy who would lash out if he felt hurt even for a second. He used up all my compassion and gave me none in return. I believed that he can’t be narcissistic at all because he was not visibly grandiose, but what he was kind of opposite.. extremely fragile ego, very sensitive and victim mindset, initially he had some empathy but it started vanishing soon. What a roller coaster. I broke up, and now slowly the fog is clearing.
"لا تنس أبداً أنك حر... وأن إظهار إنفعالاتك لا يدعو للخجل.. أصرخ.. أنتحب عالياً بالقدر الذي تشاء... فهكذا يبكي الأطفال... والأطفال يعرفون كيف يريحون قلوبهم سريعاً" - كاتب وروائي وقاص برازيلي، باولو كويلو. # PauloCoelho
Thanks for sharing this lovely sentence
The best solution to detox from any narcissistic relationship is deepening YOUR self care. As everyone lives once, after all and life - no matter how many hard lessons give to someone - is short. So what is the point ?
Narcs never change ! How to get rid of them and even protect our lives ?
We have to change and protect our self esteem and boundaries. Even if that means being completely on your own. Regaining your own freedom once and for all and stop self sabotaging.
@@TKouklaki I agree with you but it's hard to do that when everything is intertwined financially with the narcissist.
Excellent point! Thanks for bringing that out.
I also see that it IS compassion to walk away from a narcissist and let them face their own mess. Before God. They will never have a chance to see it’s all them, if people are forever enabling them in their horrible behavior. Let them be alone and wonder why! It is mercy and grace for them to face truth. Anyway, what I learned in my spiritual journey.
Yes. Let them stay in the chaos they create. 🚶♂💨💨
Yes to the above let them stay in the chaos they create, because dollars to donuts they will be alone but they will never wonder why.
I wish that were true, but the narcissist will almost never be alone. I’ve seen it happen too many times. Once you leave, they just find a new target, be it an enemy or a partner they can abuse. All we can hope for is to no longer be stuck in the web of their manipulations and abuse. The best thing we can do is to show how well we’re doing once we’ve left them. That’s what actually shakes them up.
Yes thank you for pointing this out. This is what God spoke to me too through Lamentations 3 (especially vs. 27-29). But it's hard to watch how the church is even enabling my husband now that I left him.
Lamentations 3, 27-32
27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young.
28 Let him sit alone in silence,
for the Lord has laid it on him.
29 Let him bury his face in the dust-
there may yet be hope.
30 Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him,
and let him be filled with disgrace.
31 For no one is cast off
by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.
The compassion you give to a narcissist is simply enabling them to abuse you while you gaslight yourself so they don't have to bother. This is why they seek out highly empathetic people with low self-esteem.
Dear Dr. Ramani! THANK YOU so very much for this one!!! Exactly what I was needing today. I went no contact with my narcissistic brother on Thursday and he has written so far three long e-mails trying to make me change my mind (we only communicate via e-mail, since we live in two different continents). I wrote in my goodbye mail, that I was cutting him off and I'm tired of being his ATM and he's got to work like everybody else. It's a long story and our parents live no more. He only has me (he is 52 and I'm almost 49) and of course I started to feel guilty today again. It took me long to make this decission but I finally did it. I follow you, Dr. Carter and Jerry Wise, so I said: God send me a helping video now (I'm not overreligious nor superstiscious)... and you popped with this!! You are officially an Angel 💜 🎉
Good for you. Psychological and emotional abuse are hard to come out of so congrats on clearing some of your fog and making a decision. You are WISE!
Stick to it. Everyday will get better and better. He needs to be a responsible adult. You weren’t helping him but encouraging bad behavior. Empaths have to change to and be wise.
Sounds like he’s using you for money. That’s financial abuse in my world. He needs to get a job like the rest of us. Don’t feel guilty for cutting him off. He doesn’t feel guilty for using you.
I also think it's funny (in a completely humorless way, mind you) just how much time we waste trying to figure out why a narc acts the way they do in order to better relate to them and help them, etc, while they probably spend next to no time thinking about why we respond to them the way we do. They have no desire to understand us better unless it aids in more effective manipulation.
You better believe they're not expending the same amount of energy on you that you are on them. It's such a cruel irony when you think about it.
My husband now claims he has autism. Even if true, it is still not an excuse for his anger, lying, deceit, adultery, blowing up every job because "people are stupid and no one listens" to his expertise. I am so done.
Yep, autism is not an excuse. I am autistic (diagnosed at 43)…and I was convinced that I was a narcissist because of my need for routine (which can look controlling - or meltdowns, which can look like tantrums)…. That said - your husband *may* be autistic…HOWEVER that does NOT EXCUSE the mistreatment and abuse of you. The end. Period.
What jackass gave him that diagnosis!? Maybe I don’t fully understand autism but the adultery thing is a red flag to me that he is just lying again or he has someone fooled. I’ve worked in Psych for many years, long enough to see what I call the diagnosis du jour. There is always a diagnosis that psychologists and psychiatrists default to based on what is getting the most media attention at the time. Diagnosis of autism in adulthood is hot right now along with ADHD in adulthood. No matter what, if you’re being treated badly, that’s all that matters. Splitting hairs over a label serves no purpose.
@@christinagipperich2780You're right. You don't understand Autism.
Autistic ppl are not capable of lying
Autism and lying? No way!
You can have compassion without being a door mat. Compassion requires understanding the "whys", it doesn't excuse, or require you submitting to abuse.
"يتوهم الإنسان أن الوظيفة ستجعلهُ سعيداً ثم يتوهم أن الزواج سيجعلهُ سعيداً، ثم يتوهم أن الأطفال سيجعلونه سعيداً، و سيظل يتوهم و يتوهم حتى يموت." علي الوردي، كتابه: مهزلة العقل البشري.
I teach mindfulness and my motto is ruthless compassion, yet I found myself in a relationship with a narcissist for 5 years. Took me 3 to wake up. 2 to leave. Do not confuse unconditional love with unconditional tolerance like I did. Compassion starts with yourself. It’s like riding a bike. If you don’t know to practice compassion with yourself, then you won’t be any use attempting to effectively practice it with others. The most self compassionate thing I’ve ever done was walking away from the time and energy and years I had invested in that man.
Its your compassion for them that stops you calling the police.
At the end of my marriage, my ex finally understood I was leaving and there was nothing he could do to stop me. We were sitting at the kitchen table, and he looked me straight in the eye and smirked. Then he told me that no one would ever believe me, not just the emotional abuse, but that no one would believe the physical violence either. He actually grinned while telling me he would never lay a hand on me or leave another mark... "you had your chances, and you never went to the police. I'll never give you another opportunity." He went on to say he would fight me in court for as long as it took to take everything from me - and he did. It's been a very tough road for 20+ years following a divorce and trial that took 3 years, and then 7 years of parental adduction of our two children. Still today, it gives me the chills thinking about that conversation.
All the blame is on them, it's up to them to fix it, that's the fruit of the breastplate of righteousness. They are unrighteous.
Niech Bóg dalej błogosławi tą kobietę 🙏🏼
Okay, the timeliness of this is actually eerie. But perfect. I’ve gotten to the point where I can admit to my husband’s narcissism and that I don’t want that for myself and I do want a divorce. AND they’re currently visiting family and being treated badly (honestly, I do wonder if that’s where he’s gotten some of his behavior). And I feel bad for him. So I’m holding these conflicting feelings together and trying to remind myself that both can be true. I can be compassionate towards him AND not want to be married to him AND his behavior towards me is unacceptable. It’s wild how if we saw these situations on paper, it would be so easy to say “that’s wrong. You need to leave. The end” but when you’re in it, it’s so hard to navigate. And it’s so easy to keep getting sucked back into the cycle.
Because we’re trauma bonded. My bond is being broken and I’m beginning to be grateful for the discard.
I think compassion is a wonderful and necessary trait to have, but i also think it should only be dispensed to people who deserve it and will actually take it and benefit from it. Giving your compassion to a narc is like throwing gold down a bottomless pit - it's usually just a waste.
Also, they're trying to get away with murder bc they have a tragic past is so cheap. I know plenty of people, myself included, who have dealt with plenty of trauma and don't use it as an excuse to be monsters. That's just a cop-out. It's a reason for poor behavior but it's certainly not an excuse.
you can't cope with them. You. need a LONG distance. between.
"Soon the wicked will disappear. Though you look for them, they will be gone." Psalm 37:10
I'll create them too until they stop
This is not about religion. Don't push others to religion because each person has the right to believe in what they believe! I'm sure there's a lot of religious channels where you can go and talk about that subject!
@@vervideosgiros1156 what's this about then? Enlighten us please
@@vervideosgiros1156 Who said anything about religion? This is about good and evil and there is one who is in control of it all, whether people believe it or not. "I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things." Isaiah 45:7
Pulling out bible quotes is nonsense
My thought is try to have compassion on myself first ❤ I appreciate your support
I watched this pattern play out over 3 generations in my ex-husband’s family. One thing I know for sure is that the longer the family adjusts to minimize the narcs response, the sicker the family dynamic becomes. I truly believe his narcissistic behavior was learned by watching the BS his family engaged in to manage the older narcs in the family. When push came to shove, he chose to stay in that sick family system because it served him as much as it served his father and grandmother. I don’t miss them at all.
After confiding to a friend about the horrific emotionally abusive things a narcissistic family member did, she said I could have more empathy for the situation they were in. I was shocked so said nothing, but it’s ridiculous because in reality I have had a ton of empathy for them and have always been supportive, while they have had none for me and been so harmful. Tired of feeling like I have to explain it to people. So tired of people blaming me. I won’t take it on. Giving myself the grace and compassion I used to give to them. I know the truth. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Our surviving Narcissistic abuse is a lonely place. People cannot or will not believe us, unless they walked in our shoes. I am so thankful for Dr. Ramani. I am another name on the list of souls she has touched. Without her I might not be here writing this.
Also want to give credit to Dr. Les Carter.
Thank you both for dedicating your lives to helping others navigate the Hell of narcissistic abuse.
All I’ve ever done in my long term relationships - I felt sad for the 50 year old widower (father & grandfather) who I considered my boyfriend from 15. Also the raging Italian (18 yrs older) who I endured for 22 years.
Thankful I’m in my 60’s now and only will deal with my narcissistic cat ~ life is getting better ~
The question is: no matter you do, a narcissist would never change because they don't love anyone but themselves, so, if you're on a relationship it would be always one-sided relationship, so why are you with a person that has no interest in making you happy?! You should look for someone that will love you the way you deserve to be loved! Don't bother to try to make people incapable of love, happy! They just care for themselves, so let them be alone!
Thank you Dr. Ramani for continuing to do these videos. I started watching you several years ago. Not only have you taught me about narcissism, how it’s impacted my life, and how I can empower myself, you’ve also taught me about myself. I see a therapist. She only listens. I have more help from you than I get from her. She was surprised that I was already working on radical acceptance and working through the grief and betrayal. I told her about your book It’s Not You. I hope she buys herself a copy.
When I tried to set boundaries with my narcissistic mother, she would accuse me of being controlling, and domineering. I see now that it was just strategic projection. I am neither of those things, but I see now why I believed her summation at the time. Self compassion is essential, but not easy for us survivors. I can recommend Kristin Neff's book, Self Compassion.
Compassion is definitely what keeps us in theae relationships for longer than necessary, but compassion for ourselves that saves the ones that get out. ❤
“The relationship is an eternal one way street, and it ain’t coming’ in your direction”. 👍🏻
My mother did everything she could so we could all have a good childhood.
If I could be just a little bit like her, I’d be happy.
My mother was the most caring, sweet, and understanding Human Being I Ever Knew
This is SUCH a powerful topic. Self compassion literally saved my life during the post-relationship abuse from the malignant narc and all of the gaslighters
YOU HAVE BEEN COMPASSIONATE. They want you to be thrice as compassionate before even asking for a fraction of anything from the narcissist.
I hear what you’re saying. When I demand a day off from him to regain my energy and lessen my ruminating, I feel physically sick because it is still work to keep him at bay with all his phone calling and disrespect for me and my time to heal. I will take greater pride in self care and not feel rushed back.
Yeah they’ll take all the time they want for their needs, but you somehow should feel guilty for wanting a minute for yourself. Good luck.
I have blocked four narcissistic fellas from my phone and I cannot tell you what a relief I feel. Before that, even if I didn’t answer their calls, I felt discombobulated and put upon. Now, I don’t know if any of them has called … and I don’t care.
At work, we used to say, “SEP.” Somebody else’s problem. Yep, they are no longer a cause of concern and I am appreciative of the hard lessons I have learned at their hands.
As a Christian I am all for compassion mercy and justice. The Bible also referee many many times to “wicked” ppl and to run like hells from them!!
2 Timothy 3:1-5 kjv
@ beaglerescue5281
10 You, however, know all about *my teaching, my way of life, my purpose, faith, patience, love, endurance,* 11 persecutions, sufferings-what kinds of things happened to me in Antioch, Iconium and Lystra, the persecutions I endured. Yet the Lord rescued me from all of them. 12 In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, 13 while evildoers and impostors will go from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. 14 But as for you, *continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of,* because you know those from whom you learned it, 15 and how from infancy you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.
-2 Timothy 10-15
Comprehension is useful, and compassion for the pieces of the abusers that constitute their "true self" and "inner child" is fair, but compassion for them without their deciding to change their behaviour is self-betrayal.
Abusers haven't earned respect until they respect their victims.
Wow, this video just came at the right time. I just had a session with my therapist yesterday , and this is exactly what she told me to do - reparent yourself using compassionate words. Thank you so much!
I'm watching all of your video's like an antidote and a mantra to heal myself. I'm grateful for your quest teaching and awakening the world about this 'invisible' mental health condition.
Thanks so much as always Dr. Ramani for this eye opening gem. To sum up: Do unto yourself as you would do unto others - a slight rephrasing of the Biblical injunction to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"
Compassion looks like this as well , walking away and ignoring them and staying way if u can! They then experience a natural consequence of horrible hurtful behavior towards others!
I just dropped out of a short language course. The teacher was using a lot of power and control dynamics over me and I was stumbling to speak. I dropped out early but I've been feeling very guilty about giving up and wasting money. This video is validating showing compassion for the self. I'm trying to practice showing up for myself. Just overall exhausted from the last 2 months in general so couldn't handle dealing with narc dynamics on top of everything else.
This is what I've been thinking about, right on time ❤️ Thank you Dr Ramani ❤ my partner has medical conditions which i think he guilts me with even tho i look after him better than myself 🙄
Compassion is so universal and shifting. Being a victim of narracist abuse and having a personality rooted in compassion,rooted in reflections
I had to learn how to truly utilize my superpower (compassion, it's a super power guys)I started using self compassion as a boundary. And often tell myself that compassion isn't just a feel-good do right emotion. It could be stoic at times.
I take refuge in knowing I'm learning how to balance self compassion with overall compassion. I don't harp on what's right or wrong (its a mind game and narracist always play whats right and what's wrong games ) I have learned to let some people know you're coming to me because I am approachable because I am adaptable because I can communicate. But nope, I don't have to do what's right, and i certainly don't have to behave wrong. I'm just choosing me and my energy!!
In all of my healthy relationships, there's never a continuous cycle of someone on a publicity, I have to appear to be self-righteous
Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I guess it pays to be a bit up the spectrum. Because I AM able to do these things. I DO have boundaries. Those boundaries DO NOT waiver. The only time there are no boundaries, is at work and, unfortunately, that is where narcissists thrive and often knowingly make the biggest nuisances of themselves. Because they’re instinctively aware that you have to avail yourself, to their garbage.
Thank you Dr Ramani, information you have shared is tremendously helpful.
Thanks a lot. That's true..let's don't forget ourselves
I used to ask why as if knowing why would allow me to fix it. I changed that to “It doesn’t matter why-what are you going to do about it?” which allows me to think about what’s in my own best interest. It’s a challenge, but I’m working on it.
I think a good topic of discussion would be why codependent people can have such feelings for others that treat them so badly but feel little to nothing about people that treat them well
Knowing what it feels like to be in pain, is exactly why we try to be kind to others. Except for narcissists, THEY DON'T DESERVE COMPASSION!
Good point. They have no empathy so they can’t feel your pain. In their mind they’re the only one suffering.
You’re totally right.
Hi 👋🏻
We need to give compassion to ourselves. Part of that compassion involves knowing whether to stay or to go, and further: to know how to deal with your narcissist. I'm just repeating in different words the wisdom.
We should be compassionate, but not enabling cruelty. I can understand that someone and a hard childhood and trauma, while at the same time not engage in solving a problem that's not mine to solve. It's taken me a long time to get here. By the grace of God alone I can be compassionate without being sucked in to a drama spiral. 🙌
Having compassion and mercy for the narcissist is calling them out so they might become humbled, repent, and be reconciled to God.
Yes, try to be compassionate for yourself as well. We are all made equal and we all have our inherent dignity which we should honour equally in ourselves and others.
Being compassionate to a narcissist is like being compassionate to a snake. You know that it’s eventually going to strike out and bite you. I used to have compassion but I got tired of being bitten. Save your compassion for yourself or for those who truly deserve it.
I tend to self blame alot or dont ask at all when im in need for help. I find it easier to keep to self and to be helpful as possible and not come of as non friendly or cringe.
Often it seems simpler to do even difficult things alone, instead of risking delays and it all ending with something like a Marshall "help" or more or less the equivalent IMF "help" (huge price to pay)
I used to ask for help until the people and places I went to for help started to place all my problems on me, over medicated me and continued to victim blame and give me bad advice.
Currently, the concept of narcissistic abuse hasn't been fully embraced by mainstream psychology and society in general.
That's why advice from experts like Dr. Ramani is so important. She is spreading awareness of the reality that is narcissistic abuse.
It's not how their childhood was. It's how they treat you.
True that Dr Ramani. Even now I'm still finding it difficult to be kind to myself because it often feels like "someone else" will always be more important. But one of the things I learned, I have stopped making excuses for other people, especially for narcissists.
I put a poster up in my 5 year old son's bedroom. It says "Be Kind to others, Be kind to yourself". And we talk about it regularly and how you need to leave mean people alone.
People have given me so much praise for having compassion for my narcissistic mother (acknowledging that she's had her struggles in life as well), but whenever I bring up all of the things she's said or done to me for over a decade, then its ignored or they say to me the worst thing I dont want to hear, "But thats your mom".
We need to make having children a serious thing again. Its only ever about the parents nowadays. I feel like a side character in a tv show where my mom is the main character. No sense of self, and only living life in a way pleasing to her. Its no way to live.
It is what I been doing It is hard because I feel like I am being narcissistic, and I never want to treat anyone like that
Good video lesson. Thanks. I agree our recovery depends on our actions. Like going to the gym therapy and maybe reading self help books. Journaling don't give up on yourself. Life is short. Breath
Thank you Dr. Ramani
I made the mistake and trying to have compassion and speak to him. Instead at some points in the conversation I found myself defending myself for the way I reacted to the way he treated me. I also ended up apologizing for it. He said he was holding a grudge because how I would respond to him at times. I thought about it later and felt wrong that I was having to defend myself against the things he has done and said. I felt disappointed in myself for apologizing for how I reacted to his abuse. I realized I was trying to talk to a person and tell them it’s not good to lie, manipulate, and lie about who you are and what you have. That was the problem from the beginning. I was telling a grown adult man that is 17 years older than me. It’s bad to do things my 10 year old knows not to do. It’s insane! I tried to speak to him about how I didn’t feel good about apologizing for his abuse. He raged, wouldn’t let me get a word in and stormed out. When I was to feel compassion for him and the abuse he has done he was receptive. When I tried to have the same compassion for myself being abused he became enraged.
Hmmm. Yesterday a friend and I had a conversation about choice. Both of us have abusive pasts. I told my friend that you can choose to feel sorry for yourself, or be angry. But, walking down that path CAN'T make you happy, or be okay with yourself. You can't control anything that happens, but you CAN choose your reaction. You can empower yourself to be a stronger, better person over time!
...It is possible that I went through my abuse, and all the things that it taught me (about growth, and letting go of resentment, whether turned outward or inward), just so my loved ones can learn from my life lessons...
My therapist spent a lot of time trying to convince me that the ex was worthy of compassion for an abrupt discard after 32 years married. It was a less than 24 hour notice that I should expect to get an email from his attorney with the terms of the divorce. I was as confused by her approach as I was for a decade or two during my relationship and for the horrendously non-compassionate manner in which he ended the relationship. Finally I asked myself, “What about me?” I needed compassion too. I didn’t get it from my ex partner. I didn’t get it from my therapist. My therapist I think was a daughter and enforcer of the patriarchy. Women if they are compassionate will never be treated as was I. B.S. I now realize
I’m so thankful I found your channel- excellent!!
My spirit tried to be replaced many times by others and that could have caused to being seperated from my mind.Maybe because of others atheism,maybe because of control,maybe I'm overreacting and I don't like being cutten into two with others inbetween. Evolutionally I cannot side anybody whoever tried to be my spirit instead of mine.I don't think it's a problem,it's an evolutional code.
Dr. Ramani I like your focus recently on trauma bonding. It helps shift my focus from my ex to myself. I spent 20 years thinking about his difficult childhood. Now I’d like to spend more time focusing on my own difficult childhood, my own difficult adulthood and my own difficult present and how my early attachment issues play into that and understand the trauma bonding that has driven so much of my life, I want it to be more about me!
This is another really helpful video which touched on multiple important issues. Thx again!
I'm deconstructing all of this with my therapist at the moment. It's so hard omg. Trying to understand and redirect the compassion I have towards myself is actually complicated. I'm also understanding that this person is using my ability to be compassionate against me because they know that as long as they push the right buttons (that is, reminding me *why* they supposedly deserve for me to have compassion for them because of xyz) I'll end up caving.
I'm trying to stop that but it's so so so hard.
I had a traumatic childhood...and I also used to lash out at times (mainly surprising myself most) - I couldn't control my emotional feelings at all...but I still didn't set out to destroy others...
Honestly this is one of the hardest things ive been struggling with and i didnt even know it. my experience with the narcissist in my life had convinced me that im not worthy of compassion. this video actually made me cry. thank you for explaining this. i will work on being compassionate to myself and past actions.
A true authentic and credible apology is changed behavior! With NPD personality that is not going to happen, stop making excuses for adults! Run and don't look back!
F.A.M.I.L.Y ≠
(forget about me, I love you)
Haha 😂 that is awesome.
This video is Gold!! Thank you for sharing 🙏✨🥰
Awesome!!
Ty for this message.
A tremendous help.
I needed this message today. Thanks again, Dr. Ramani.
💙
Compassion without responsibility is meaningless.
My “compassionate” response was always this voice in my head telling me to “soften your heart”.
When the narc had treated me badly for weeks, and I was at what I could only call my very lowest, the narc would cry and act all brokenhearted and tell about how life is so rough for her and how many things had gone against her, and I would just have this voice in my head that said, “soften your heart. This isn’t the kind of person you are, to ignore someone’s feelings and just be coldhearted to them.”
It’s really not in my nature, at least, it didn’t used to be. Now I’m just that way all the time… much colder and harder than I used to be.
Is there any point in asking a narcissist to watch some of these videos? I’m truly at a loss and exhausted from trying all the strategies to deal with this person.
no DO NOT ask a narc to watch these. They only use these to be more manipulative and try to read you or understand why you see right through them.
In other videos on YT, not only this channel, it's considered unwise to call a narcissist a "narcissist." Holy hell will break loose and as someone above commented, they will turn everything around on you.
The narcissist never considers what they do is wrong and abusive. Why would they be willing to change if their way has always worked for suiting their needs while they disregard your own?
@@MrsEd-fh2gs You are so right! When I first left the narc or started getting educated he then became very very unhinged. The lovebombing wasn't working anymore neither was the silent treatement and rage. They are totally capable of unaliving someone to get what they want. Back then I had given this man 16 years of my life on top of he was the kid of a preacher. IT DOES NOT MATTER WITH THESE THINGS. I have been gone 4 years and if his life is falling apart he tries to cycle back over to find me and tell the kids I won't co parent and it's my fault. They never change. I believve in wisdom God has not had me to date because although they have cheated the whole marriage or had multiple people since once they see YOU with someone they totally have nothing to lose. I DO NO CONTACT and up until 2 years post leaving and post therapy did it really HIT ME that this thing really never loved me and is capable of anything. THEY HATE YOU AS MUCH AS THEY SAY THEY LOVE YOU! All liesssss. Everything videos told me they are capable of they are. I have learned to trust these experts on narcissism. Oh yeah he really doesn't love his kids either. That was a hard one to learn as I thought he was a great father while together YET I did indeed do ALLLLLLLLL the labor and work to his just being a co-star in the family home. He loved having a pretty wife and beautiful kids looking like he was a model husband.THEY ARE EVILLLLLLLL and yes once he found out I thought he was a narc he called me one and then on top of that he used it in court documents and ALLLLLLLLLL the things he was doing to me and kids he told the judge I was doing and was unfit. THEY ARE CRAZY! Be safe.
I. promise you, there will. never be.any Christmas!!
And I forgot Jonathan, Saul's son in yesterday's comment. He was a close friend of King David but enabled his father's murderous behaviour and was killed in a battle with him, Saul was not anointed to fight. Jonathan should have accepted the anointing on David, God's chosen King. David lost a close friend in Saul's disobedience and demonic influence.
He did not enable his fathers bad behavior or he would have given up on David. He in fact told David that he knew God was WITH David and he would be king. Kids are not able to stand against their own Father let alone someone whose Father was the KING. Jonathan did the best he could with what he had. Obviously, these two men were also very good friends. In their relationship we can see at least three qualities of true friendship. First, they sacrificed for one another. In 1 Samuel 18:4, we read that Jonathan gave David his clothes and military garb. The significance of this gift was that Jonathan recognized that David would one day be king of Israel. Rather than being envious or jealous, Jonathan submitted to God’s will and sacrificed his own right to the throne. Second, in 1 Samuel 19:1-3, we read of Jonathan’s loyalty toward and defense of David. King Saul told his followers to kill David. Jonathan rebuked his father and recalled David’s faithfulness to him in killing Goliath. Finally, Jonathan and David were also free to express their emotions with one another. In 1 Samuel 20, we read of a plan concocted by Jonathan to reveal his father’s plans toward David. Jonathan was going to practice his archery. If he told his servant that the arrows he shot were to the side of the target, David was safe. If Jonathan told his servant that the arrows were beyond the target, David was to leave and not return. Jonathan told the servant that the arrows were beyond the target, meaning that David should flee. After releasing his servant, Jonathan found David and the two men cried together.
@@GodsChosenMekAmoR Saul knew he was rejected by God as King, the anointing left him and an evil spirit consumed him. He continued as King, going out to battle against their enemies and was going after David.
Two narcissistic friends, two nparents, two nbosses. I've learned that compassion can be weaponized against those who struggle to stand up for themselves
كان كل شيء غارقا في البهجة: النباتات و الطيور و الحشرات و اﻷطفال . الناس وحدهم ظلوا يخدعون و يتعبون و يعذبون اﻵخرين. - الفيلسوف الروس، تولستوي، كتابه: "البعث ص18".
Thank you for helping me 😊
I have compassion for those who deserve it. I need the compassion. I was the victim. I didn’t hurt me. I didn’t yell at me. I wasn’t threatening myself. I’m the one that needs compassion from people. I want people to understand there is no amount of compassion, understanding, empathy, love and kindness that will ever change them. A lion will always eat meat. That’s its nature. Unlike the lion there are grocery stores. Don’t hurt people is what we should be saying. Standing by the victim is what we should be doing. Believing the victim is what we should be doing. Not rewarding bad behavior. We are country that screams to stand up
to bullies. You can’t fight a bully when it is the abuser who deserves no compassion. I hope and pray people will start to understand these people and be repulsed.
Right on
G'day Dr Ramani.🐨
The timing of this video, perfect!
Me too. I got hoovered several times and I kissed it goodbye. At about midnight. I’m going to Al anon and do a twelve step for my own recovery.
I care about the bottom line. I stay away from the narcissist, gray rock, don't ask for anything, don't deep dive, and I have no compassion for him. It is not about why. I do not care . I am apathetic and happy.
My brother is a narc. I got angry with him due to his rudeness. It's started a barrage of insults about me my life my personal relationships basically everything. I have spoken to him in weeks. He cornered me in the supermarket. I just told him I'm leaving and walked away. He sent me an email now accusing me of being a narc. I'm staying silent? I hope that's the best thing doctor Ramani??
”ما اشد قسوة حياة المرأة وحياة الاطفال في الاسر الفقيرة.“ - دوستويفسكي، الاخوة كارامازوف