The real reason is that people focus on themselves. As harsh as it may sound, no one actually cares, and no one wants to stand out. No one wants to put a speaker in a tough spot with a difficult question in front of an audience. No one wants trouble at work or in places they don't really care about, so being nice is the easiest, quickest solution. That's why fights and discussions usually happen with people we love and truly care about.
Nope. I care. I want good feedback from my team and I want to give them good feedback. I like to be nice because I genuinely care about my coworkers and recognize them as my fellow human beings. I thrive on good feedback to improve my work and my interactions with those near and far to me.
@@tomhughes8472 Of course you care, because it's about you. But remember, people aren't focused on your leadership journey. Yes, seeking feedback and listening to others is essential, it's what good leaders do. However, you can't place the responsibility for your actions as a leader solely on others' feedback. Listening to opinions and ideas is crucial for improvement, but it doesn't define your leadership. Leadership is innate; it can't be studied like a subject. Just like humor, you can't study to be funny; you're naturally funny and learn better jokes to become funnier.
@@Cacuofa That's not always the case, however. I have, throughout my life been what a friend of mine calls "Excuse me, question in the back?" type of person. Sadly, that's often seen as "a troublemaker," or "trying to put someone on the spot" or even "aggressive/pushy" all because you're not afraid to ask the questions that no one else wants to or cares enough to ask. You care enough to challenge the 'sacred cows,' so to speak. Your assertion is not at all 100% correct, or dismissive of everyone who has that trait. I'm not in a leadership role and never would want to be, but I damned well want to know what we're doing and why, especially in the medical field where I am dealing with people's lives and well being. It's about them - not about me.
I'm "too nice" at work because I don't have the energy for anything else. The purpose of genuine feedback is to help the other person or organization improve - at the risk of offending and hurting your job stability. Not worth it, not in this economy.
I just completely ignore people or if it's important just think about something else look at my phone and say uh huh or that's great then tell them I gotta go and walk away.
You know I am really glad that I have found this and watched this Ted talk. I loved the point you made because it really resonated with the same idea what I have. My point is if someone is not told what they can improve which will make them better instead we just share few nice words so that the person doesn't get hurt is a total loss because they might be in the darkness not knowing which they need to improve to be a better version of themselves.
As a well spoken, well educated black man working in an environment where many people don’t even have college degrees, I have to admit being overly nice is the only path I am allowed. I’m already seen as too hard a worker, too cunning to get caught up in workplace drama, too calculated to be around toxic people. I honestly feel like I work around quite a few people who are studying me for my downfall and I simply cannot walk any other path than being the nice guy, whether it’s authentic or not. I’ve come to realize that at work you’re not there to be your true, authentic self. You’re there to get the job done and demonstrate you can work well with others.
I understand this to a T as the only black supervisor with a masters degree, know my job profoundly, eloquent, don't do workplace drama,and mostly very calculated with my responses and conversations.
My two approaches for work environments (corporate, gov't, non-profit, mom and pop): 1. make yourself indispensable, then you can "stick your neck out" and give honest feedback whether management likes it or not; 2. Always have a higher goal you're working on outside the job you currently have. Once you're working on that higher goal you can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Most jobs are unpleasant. With these approaches you should be able to tolerate almost anything while you're planning your next line of work, which I found comes only when you become your own boss. Note: you have to really want to be free.
Exactly. We cannot be tied to the same job, same routine, same circles of people forever. Improvise, walk out of comfortable zone, experience life! You work for yourself not the boss
Yep, and that your job is not valuable because you are so helpful. I have noticed people that are more respected are not as available and set boundaries.
Really insightful video! It's so true that being "too nice" can sometimes hinder growth. It's like when using Baited, my AI interview coaching app, it's not just about saying what you want to hear, but giving you the constructive feedback you need to improve. Keep up the great content! 👍
TL;DR being nice makes your feedback general, sound lazy, and not helpful. But don't juxtapose it against being honest, there are ways you can be both. Just clarify that you want to give deeper feedback to the reciever and see if that's actually something they want.
Some workplaces, it doesn’t matter how nice you are. They’re sometimes just filled with assholes. If you work with intelligent adults, it makes everyone happier.
Talking from experience: YES and YES doesn't matter how good you are at your job, your soft skills some people will be afraid/harassed or something else dk really and do their best to be the a**holes. The company was global, one of the biggest in the industry (great company with "trust" involved in the moto) and this trust can be as bad as good feedback trust on everything trying to be part of the community can get good people fired, in a case where co-workers with bad intentions lie for something/someone to achieve what they want in small scale or personal "something". It's all about people intentions everywhere in every case. all ways think critical, trust only once and listen to your intuition (it's a information processed by the brain too fast to be caught by the consciousness).
I definitely can identify with that. I work in a doctor's office and am easily twice the age of the girls (and yes, I use that term deliberately) that I work with and it is, quite literally, like working with a group of high school students. That is one of the reasons why, now, I go to work and do my job and come home. I have a couple of people that I have learned over time that I can trust, and these are people I interact with on anything other than a strictly professional level but other than that, it's absolutely neutral and professional. As one of those people said to me, "Welcome to working with bitches." (This was a woman saying it, BTW) Sometimes, no matter how kind you are (I don't use "nice" because it's a social construct and varies from place to place) the workplace is, indeed, filled with assholes, to use your term.
This is so powerful. As a black person working in hospitality since I was 12, moving to NYC from the South, trying to explain nicety differences even among the smartest people I know as native New Yorkers (elite) or people that went to grad school or operate in six figure jobs, regardless of race, class, etc. Almost all of them have no real responses to these tough questions and it makes me extremely disengaged to stay in NYC.
the biggest issues in my work was "How should I treat people when i give feedback for them" cuz i recently got promoted, and i should suddenly give them feedback, even though yesterday we were in the same page of work.. and this video helps me a lot about the way i should do in my work. check if they wanna receive proper feedback or just compliment, and being nice and clear when i give some feedback. of course i can say about good things when i should say bad things about that work! giving feedback is important for them to improve themselves..... thanks for the lessons.
Sometimes you have to fake nice when others control your paycheck if you are not. You at least have to know the vibe/ emotional maturity level before you are able to be emotionally honest.
@@JungleEd17 By taking small risks. To test what others around you are comfortable with/ react to. All I can say experience wise as I have seen it play out before my eyes. You will eventually get to a point where you CAN basically be honest AF.
being truthful and providing critical feedback is only becoming more difficult as our culture becomes more sensitive to taking things personally. I do the anxious nice thing at work because often times it's more painful providing thoughtful feedback. You can put a lot of emphasis on delivery, but people still do not receive it well.
I agree with you. I rejoice when someone is brutally honest and is critiquing my work. It helps me to improve and practice those weak skill sets and actually being an asset. My previous employers knew this, and my recent boss knows this. He speaks loudly and clear, and I'm all ears and taking notes. Not everything at work said to you is personal. It is a professional critique so that you, the employee, can do better moving forward. 📻 ✌️
I don't want the wrong person to get upset with me at work and damage my career by complaining to a higher level leader. So I go out of my way not to make anyone mad.
I feel like maybe half of my niceness in all my life was actually just due to anxiety. I never made that connection before. This was a helpful talk. You did make me realize how my niceness can actually be lazy, patronizing, and most importantly I think, unhelpful. Thanks for the insights 🙂 and ugh, imagining getting called upon on stage randomly made my palms sweaty at home. The poor audience 😅 but you had to do it to them haha. Thank you for sparing them. (Am I purposely trying to give feedback that doesn’t come off lazy? 😵💫)
All my life I’ve been raised by my parents teachers and society to ‘never change’ and to ‘always be myself’. WELL- I am always myself and never change when I’m nice but I’m being run over. So now I feel the need to morph in to being an a-hole just so people will stop using me as a doormat. Which makes me off balance with my true nature. So, basically, because they refuse to change their ways, I have to change for mine. In order to freaking survive. Literally. I need this job. And no matter where I work, it’s the same everywhere.
Sadly, this happened to me and my peers as well. We were given a mask from an early age to be nice, sweet, happy, understanding, and to speak softly. A young lady or man does not scream. They speak in even tone and slowly. But as we age, we notice others don't follow these sets of rules. They shout, laugh loudly, are sarcastic, and have mean-demeanors, among other behaviours. Being nice is a very nice mask to put on in public but if you wish to be kind and honest, that's the real you. But people don't want to see you as kind, honest, and respectful; even though that's what they preach; they want the fake you: nice, sweet, happy, tolerant, and soft spoken. This is something that I have learnt over the years through therapy and I'm no longer anyone's doormat. ❤ ❤ ❤ ✨️ ✨️ ✨️
Treat others the way you wanted to be treated. This is the Golden Rule. Don’t forget! Sometimes, life gave you trials for your own good, and please don’t go backwards.
You only need to change around certain people,.protect the real you for people who can receive it. For those who can't you have to find ways to handle yourself around them because not everyone can be like you
Interesting topic. The opening intro to the topic she introduces things people can see they can do in as she calls awkward moments, such as moving body, eye direction. She mentions the under the skin automatic responses by our unconscious part of our nervous system, and state that we can't choose this. Her comment about the automatic response in our body under the skin and with in is a little inaccurate as we can help our unconscious auto response to learn what is useful and desirable for us in each situation. I have been able to do this for me and can help you with this for yourself, creating what is authentic and appropriate for you and your attractions and repulsions in life.
My major problem during college. Because I'm afraid to offer genuine feedback, I just say "It's great." (Even though it's not), "You did well/great" (Honestly, you can improve it). This is one lesson that I'm still practicing to apply in my daily life and in the workplace
@@AparnaChinnakonda the anxiety of whether the things you're gonna say will offend the person or no. But then I realized, if the person can't handle an honest feedback, then that's his or her problem, not me.
Absolutely! I like your answer. It also shows whether the receiver is mature enough to take the feedback constructively. In my life till now, I’ve been given some good feedback, and some harsh. But when I moved to the US, everyone was nice. And it was SO hard for me to understand whether they were being genuine or just saying something nice for the sake of it. So, I conducted an experiment. I showed a pretty bad design to my colleagues (I’m a designer). I got some, nice sketch, wow.. this is so good, and so on. I personally know that it’s a bad design, but the response I got was shocking. So, i had to walk up to a British person to hear his feedback, and I got “that looks rubbish!” And I had a good laughter. I actually liked that feedback, because that was honest and it showed me that, the other person is actually looking at it with an interest to improve something in me.
@@AparnaChinnakonda that's an interesting experiment. I think most people really just don't want to offend anyone so they just give general comments instead of an honest feedback. And the sad thing is, those people only give honest feedback behind your back instead of saying it directly which, is more rude than just giving your feedback on what to improve.
In my country which is Latvia at every work I was working as architect the most common is to say only negative feedback. Like for years of working in same place you are never good. But no-one is firing you. I heard it is made to make you feel like you are not a good worker so you are not worth of bigger salary and for you to think that no other workplace will take you so you are ready to stay longer with smaller pay. So there is no proble of being to formaly nice at work here
Yep, I can relate to the person that wants the tough, honest feedback. 😔 I NEED the criticism otherwise I feel like I don't have any useful direction on what to improve etc.
I think a variable that should be considered, is the pre existing relationship with the people giving feedback. Does your reputation precede you? Are you another peer that maybe they don't know too well? Things like that
My experience is that generalized feedback, whether negative or positive, is a tactic for avoiding reciprocated accountability, a method for placating herd mentality, and an overall power play. Leaders who never offer specific examples for improvement, even when asked, often openly praise the group for mediocre performances and label a few scapegoats as outsiders who disrupt the team dynamic. My scapegoated friends are usually the ones who thrive on receiving constructive feedback and are not afraid to reciprocate. Leaders need to keep scapegoats in the dark about specific ways to improve in order to keep them destabilized. It makes it easier for the herd to stick together and avoid falling under the same labels as the scapegoat. Yay, morale. Lastly, those leaders save the specific feedback for those moments when they need to substantiate why a scapegoat needs to be fired or penalized. My personal struggle has been that I am too direct. Because of chronic, genralized feedback, it took me years to figure out what that meant. Now, I am better aware and more comfortable with working on tact when critiquing and increasing my specific praises.
The secret is being nice yet constructive. If someone’s doing a great job, tell them so and why. Visa versa for the negative side - yet with empathy and a potential solution for improvement.
We had an announcement at work. When the person asked if there were any questions, I was the only person who spoke up. Afterwards, people thanked me, but I was frustrated because I took the heat!
Totally get what you mean, I often receive feedback that I am doing well, I have to point out what my own mistakes are, then being told "no no no what you are doing is perfect" then getting an average rating when it comes to the final performance review. Being "too nice" is toxic in disguise.
Perhaps if she had picked out three or four people walking in. That she would be asking a few participants to go on stage and share an experience, get their okay. Then, once the speech got to that point, the audio/tech staff could bring the participant over to speak. I don't think anyone in the audience knew or was ready for it.
Ohh I would love to hear how you conquered your looking up at the ceiling habit, because that’s something I do as well and I’m really struggling to stop.
The fact that you have so many likes means your post has merit. That’s why we should relax a little bit and be more authentic. If things are becoming difficult then it might be time to say that. Most people will smile and nod.
That is unfortunate. Too many people take this to heart. Some of us really just are nice people, but too many others see nice people as a threat. It’s sad.
@@kimberleysunchuk2909I see it as just being nice-still they talk about me-they can’t do the job themselves so I step up & those same “nice” people are actually “mean girls” pretending to be nice. I prefer kind over nice.
That’s because capitalism drives a dark side out of people. Greed and corruption rule in this world. You can’t change humanities underlying culture as it’s part of survival.
I'm extremely awkward with colleagues, especially when I can see that they clearly don't like me. It's horrible. I prefer to choose the people who I work with so that I feel safe. It's sad that love is not the status quo of everyone in this world.
Know the difference between nice & kind. Nice will smile & speak ill when you don’t do something in their favor while the kind person is to the point no fluff and will accommodate as needed with genuine sincere help.
Find it in part, depending on how well established those in interaction are with themselves or with respect to those around them, be it job security, emotional maturity, openness to discourse, etc…
Love these subtle techniques of priming someone into a listening mode, "showing your belly" (white guilt has a social function!) in intercultural contexts, giving positive directions rather than something to avert. All a rich strong structure that can apply more minutely and even broadly, let's hope we expand on these in the social sciences
when i was at work, i was very helpful, nice and if someone gossips behind my back, i stop talking to that bad person but in fact I need him especially if he s professionnal, so i ll try to hide my feelings and instead of avoiding eye contact i start making compliments on how he looks and how he dresses. conclusion: work hard until everyone asks for ur help🎉
I'm not sure I agree with the start small suggestion. "Change the font" can be seen as just as generic as overly nice feedback. Be specific, be constructive, focus on the work and content, don't make it personal, and let them know why the feedback is being given. I also appreciate when they give me the chance to self critique first.
So... constructively criticize out loud, but be polite, relatable, understandable, and sincerely useful. Don't forget to first make sure it's even your business to criticize!
TL:DR2: Reduce crutch lingo and inform people. Be succinct. Ramble less. Don’t be a jerk. (Side question: Why does the sign say TEDx and not TED?) Longer version: Dimensions help visualize ramble over information, and I agree that filler lingo is lazy and leaves people confused or worse- apathetic if little to no info is conveyed over many interactions. Rambling and being nice also causes misunderstandings and quarrels and even corroded relationships. Thank you for helping people communicate more clearly! Cultures also dictate and encourage indirect communication which obscures even more the intent of speakers. For example: Obligatory respect to elders and masters is a cultural phenomenon that could discourage one from speaking more directly and clearly. Merit-based cultures even the value of all speakers.
In my opinion don’t give any feedback just Observe, Listen and Learn if it’s constructive. But when someone (colleague or manager) genuinely wants your feedback, be honest and add niceness, positivity and encouragement.
Were there any autistic and/or ADHD individuals participating in the studies? Some of those "stress responses", not making eye contact, fidgeting, playing with hair, aren't always stress related. For ADHD and autism, they're called "stimming", which is short for "self stimulatory", and we do it to maintain our focus. It doesn't sound like that was taken into consideration.
Yes! as an ADHD'er, I spent most of this video picking at my nails, swinging my chair around, and I forgot I was watching this and walked away twice lol
Well when it comes to publishing studies have the money to pay a publisher is MUCH more important than qualitative analysis of the data collection 😂 these wannabe pseudo-intellectuals don't care about facts they just wanna push their personal brand
I actually came here to see if there were any people that commented about neurodivergence. I wouldn't be surprised if, when she talked about "for every one person who likes nice feedback there's another one that thinks it's lazy", the latter is actually neurdivergent (which, coincidentally, also suggests that 50% of people might be neurdivergent, which would mean it's not as divergent as one would think). And I also believe that neurdivergent people are usually the ones that see straight through fake niceness.
I reject the labeling-and-sell-you-treatment mindset. It's very likely I would be labeled as something if I went to get checked, but I refuse. It's a trap and we're better off without it. Be strong and get on with life. And yes, it is that simple.
You basically said neurodivergent peiole are lazy there are neurodivergent people who actually do their work while being quirky, missing social clues or not able to focus. Are half thevpeiole in your life neurodivergent? At work? In the stores in the community?
A big part of the problem is businesses generally (and perhaps out of necessity) value short term profit over honesty. Toss in an abundance of poor-quality pop psychology and a lack of acceptance of the reality of objective truth, and what we have is a society slowly circling the drain.
I apply the golden rule, in the workplace or personal. I always look for a win-win situation. However, mostly people see being nice as weak and ignore my importance. People always assume I will understand the situation.
I’ve always wondered why my anxiety increased after moving to the US. As the speaker say, the stress and anxiety can be easily picked up from other people, it has bothered me a lot. I know this because I was never anxious back in my home country. Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t like it here. It’s just that I’ve been curious as to why White people have underlying anxiety all the time, and it’s hard to get any feedback. A sugarcoated negative feedback is not a positive feedback. It’s better to give a negative feedback if things are not okay. It’s better to be direct and honest.
People don’t really want honesty 😂. For our annual reviews I told one of my reps that maybe it wasn’t a good idea to use acronyms that we only know because we were given a sheet with them on there (that even some of our employees don’t know because they don’t read) on emails to clients. When we got back he went on the teams chat and asked the team if they received any training on how to draft their emails because it seemed that i had received training that he didn’t (we were in the same training class because we started working there on the same day). It just showed me why he was still on the front lines when I had progressed to management. As pretentious as that might sound.
When I asked directly but calm and firmly, how my FIL was a dad to my husband he said that question was slandering him. Now, I know slander is a personal attack on a person but it was a genuine question. Some people are just evil despite the best of trying to find out the truth. This study fails that preconceived notions about certain people will drive the nervousness until there’s an understanding of each other out of an openness to relate one to the other. Be careful who you decide to trust but allow all people the chance…they’ll demonstrate who they are over and over…all you have to do is believe them when they do.
This is culturally characteristic from Northamerica. Lived in Europe and have friends from Netherlands. You truly face honest response most of the time.
In my experience, this is particularly an american issue In europe, people are definitely at more face value, mostly since there are laws that actually protects the employee from random termination :^)
I had received both types of feedback in the past. And sometimes, I came to the point that I felt people should stick with nice feedback, if they do not have really good feedback. What I found is, real feedback is hard. And way too often, I hear people give feedback on what they interpret without knowing the full story (and when you asked them to elaborate, it sometimes comes out how they arrived at that conclusion). As a result, I have receive feedback for things that are polar opposites of each other. I understand that in each instance, I am sure there are things that led them to that conclusion about me, but way too often that's not what people focus on providing feedback. It is easy to see then how damaging that can be, because it leaves the receiver with only one conclusion - either somebody likes them or they do not like them, which is very detrimental to the receiver's mental health. Because of the different ways me as a person is interpreted, I can only conclude that I need to tailor different things to different people because that is the only way I can satisfy both of them. So, unless you have something specific to give feedback for, then stick with being nice. Don't try too hard and find something without knowing the full story just to fit into the model of how feedback is supposed to be given.
Same 🙋♀️ I had to let go of various jobs and projects. Professional honest, raw critique can help you or anyone to sharpen up those skills or weak points in order to do a greater job. And even in the long run, get a promotion because now you are an expert in that specific field.
I don’t get stressed or upset about my emotions, just those of others. I regulate and control mine, it is others who are emotionally weak and can’t act right. They’re your emotions, don’t make them burdens for others. Drop your ego and quell your emotions, th eyes both weaknesses to be surpassed and overcome, not voices to be guided by. They. Are. Weak. Also before idiots come triggered to complain st me keep in mind it is always negative when someone says you’re ‘being emotional’ but never mean it negatively when someone says you acted rationally.
Is only... the only thing being nice, interested in my team and work, reapectful and open, is that they do not like it! Had to leave a job that was never ever satisfied (my manager and a coworker) with me, while the rest were amazing. I ended up giving priority to find gentle places and just keep quiet.
I just get upset whenever I feel being nice is not working for me. Yelling at the windows update taking ages .. or the customer that doesn't know how requirements come about and thinks that their user stories are spot on! There's enough to stop being nice about! Actually one can still be nice to the person speaking, just use something else as vanishing point (but do no blaming to third parties when not being present or unsolicited , that is frowned upon). -- It works, funny enough people around me feel quite liberated - awkwardness replaced with whatever else this is.. ( I think it is just awkwardness again, just me not noticing it 😂) In german speaking countries I think social awkwardness coming about while being too nice is actually quite rare (In Switzerland more often than in Germany in my experience ).
wish more people could give feedback without being rude about it, I work with a lot of Gordon Ramsays who think the best way to talk to someone is by carrying on like an idiot
And still people love Gordon Ramsay, isn’t society as stupid as they can be? How can someone even idolize a guy that shouts at everyone and treats people like idiots in order to fulfill his bank account.
PEOPLE! For the sake of my job i need all the feedback i can get. I find people are sensitive if you give feedback you are labeled as “the know it all” or “do not ask me ask her” When it comes to work being efficient is what matters (aren’t we in this together, if the company does good so will the employees) so being direct is what i choose. If you want small talk and compliments buy me lunch.
I'm definitely not nice at work. Especially to those people who've had decades of experience already but still don't know what to do. How did these people get the job but still don't know what to do when they were put into it already?
At work, I try to be nice and respectful to other colleagues. What goes around, comes around if you have good people around you, those that genuinely wish the best of others. I share many good and bad things together to overcome any obstacle at work. I cant say this will apply the same to the work place with toxic people filled with bad intentions only. However the most important thing is to live by the Word of God in the bible and not be transformed by the patterns of this world; toxic, wicked, and arrogant mind, etc. You set the tone at the work place. Show good deeds in your work place no matter what. Light defeats darkness all the time. When it is time for you to move on, God will open another door for you. That is my life testimony. We dont deserve goodness in our life but God loved us first as we were sinners. As Christians, you love and care for others as Jesus showed His unconditional love for us. Pray for colleagues who need to be delivered. Only God can change a mind and heart of a person.
When you are a teacher, being aware of your feedback just increases ten-fold. That is one of the many reasons why teaching is so tiresome: you have to be careful of the things you say when returning papers or correcting lessons and even when giving your classes. It is basically being in a hypervigilant mode all the time, which, meaningless to say, is severely detrimental to your health in the long run.
I'm nice, but when things happen at work, I call a spade a spade. We're not supposed to do that I guess, the managers just look at me like I slapped them in the face.
Most - yes most - people dont want the feedback and then it comes back to bite me in the butt and labeled as tough. Most folks don’t want actual feed back and we cant tell who genuinely WANTS feedback.
Interesting talk, I was wondering if you have ever considered the cultural bias to the answers from your interviewees? I guess in other countries in Europe (France or Germany for example), feedback giving will not follow the same pattern because of cultural bias/acceptance of such feedbacks?
🎯 Key points for quick navigation: Awkward & Anxious: Social awkwardness triggers anxiety (increased heart rate, sweating) [儀️]. Non-verbal Cues Matter: People fidget and avoid eye contact in awkward situations []. Anxious Niceness Hurts: Overly nice feedback can be unclear, unhelpful, and stressful, especially for minorities []. Challenge the Culture of Niceness: Don't assume everyone wants vague compliments. Ask for permission to give specific and constructive feedback []. Be Specific with Feedback: Both positive reinforcement (e.g., "reports by 5 pm") and constructive criticism (e.g., "speak up in meetings") should be clear []. Start Small, Break the Cycle: Begin with neutral topics to practice giving and receiving constructive feedback []. Made with HARPA AI
I think the reason why anxiety is present is because of the possibility of criticisms. Imagine if people will always give positive feedback, I don't think there's a single person in the office/anywhere who will suffer from uneccesary anxieties. I think criticisms are perfect in the area of politics.
I’m a night manager at a store. Maybe I am too nice. But by nature, I’m not a mean person. I’m not real assertive and I’m not a confrontational person. Just being honest. I don’t wanna make waves with the people I have to work with…I worry about making things awkward and uncomfortable.
This is a difference between "direct" cultures and "indirect" cultures.....will be difficult to change, like the "preferred" level of politeness, it is all relative.
Im in middle management and feel like I'm way too nice. It's hard not to be because of my personal philosophy and politics. I know that my job is to trick people into thinking that they need this job. These people are under paid and under appreciated by executives. I have to perform this juggling act between holding to my pricipals and not being a tyrant. Its exhausting.
everyone loves honesty, until you're honest with THEM.
TOP
Exactly! Thats the case with me. I cant do otherwise just brought up being honest by in the UK honesty is not appreciated.
TRUEST 😂
Corporate definitely do not love that.
Exactly
The real reason is that people focus on themselves. As harsh as it may sound, no one actually cares, and no one wants to stand out. No one wants to put a speaker in a tough spot with a difficult question in front of an audience. No one wants trouble at work or in places they don't really care about, so being nice is the easiest, quickest solution. That's why fights and discussions usually happen with people we love and truly care about.
thank you for clearing the ideas of this talk
@@indahparamitaadi1436it’s based on feedback. It’s putting the responsibility to the other person and it’s not like that.
Nope. I care. I want good feedback from my team and I want to give them good feedback. I like to be nice because I genuinely care about my coworkers and recognize them as my fellow human beings. I thrive on good feedback to improve my work and my interactions with those near and far to me.
@@tomhughes8472 Of course you care, because it's about you. But remember, people aren't focused on your leadership journey. Yes, seeking feedback and listening to others is essential, it's what good leaders do. However, you can't place the responsibility for your actions as a leader solely on others' feedback. Listening to opinions and ideas is crucial for improvement, but it doesn't define your leadership. Leadership is innate; it can't be studied like a subject. Just like humor, you can't study to be funny; you're naturally funny and learn better jokes to become funnier.
@@Cacuofa That's not always the case, however. I have, throughout my life been what a friend of mine calls "Excuse me, question in the back?" type of person. Sadly, that's often seen as "a troublemaker," or "trying to put someone on the spot" or even "aggressive/pushy" all because you're not afraid to ask the questions that no one else wants to or cares enough to ask. You care enough to challenge the 'sacred cows,' so to speak. Your assertion is not at all 100% correct, or dismissive of everyone who has that trait. I'm not in a leadership role and never would want to be, but I damned well want to know what we're doing and why, especially in the medical field where I am dealing with people's lives and well being. It's about them - not about me.
I'm "too nice" at work because I don't have the energy for anything else. The purpose of genuine feedback is to help the other person or organization improve - at the risk of offending and hurting your job stability. Not worth it, not in this economy.
Well said...
Said every GQP representative who bends the knee despite the cult leaders authoritarian inclinations.
Corp: We want all ideas, but your idea suck cuz ours are the best. Now shut up.
I just completely ignore people or if it's important just think about something else look at my phone and say uh huh or that's great then tell them I gotta go and walk away.
Crazy but true
You know I am really glad that I have found this and watched this Ted talk. I loved the point you made because it really resonated with the same idea what I have. My point is if someone is not told what they can improve which will make them better instead we just share few nice words so that the person doesn't get hurt is a total loss because they might be in the darkness not knowing which they need to improve to be a better version of themselves.
Being too nice is definitely me. This talk was fascinating
I feel it makes us an easy target for bull. Ppl talk bad about us at work to make themselves look better.
As a well spoken, well educated black man working in an environment where many people don’t even have college degrees, I have to admit being overly nice is the only path I am allowed. I’m already seen as too hard a worker, too cunning to get caught up in workplace drama, too calculated to be around toxic people. I honestly feel like I work around quite a few people who are studying me for my downfall and I simply cannot walk any other path than being the nice guy, whether it’s authentic or not. I’ve come to realize that at work you’re not there to be your true, authentic self. You’re there to get the job done and demonstrate you can work well with others.
I understand this to a T as the only black supervisor with a masters degree, know my job profoundly, eloquent, don't do workplace drama,and mostly very calculated with my responses and conversations.
Why bring up race smart guy?
LA: you are 100% correct. You have no choice. You know being who you are is seen by racists as a threat. No matter what you do, or say.
@@saulortega8633I’m wondering why bring up masters degree.
You are so correct...on point! That makes it all the more sad. 😢
My two approaches for work environments (corporate, gov't, non-profit, mom and pop): 1. make yourself indispensable, then you can "stick your neck out" and give honest feedback whether management likes it or not; 2. Always have a higher goal you're working on outside the job you currently have. Once you're working on that higher goal you can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Most jobs are unpleasant. With these approaches you should be able to tolerate almost anything while you're planning your next line of work, which I found comes only when you become your own boss. Note: you have to really want to be free.
Exactly. We cannot be tied to the same job, same routine, same circles of people forever. Improvise, walk out of comfortable zone, experience life! You work for yourself not the boss
Thank you for the wonderful talk. Like the fact that you took examples of how to be nice while still being specific and direct
I’ve noticed that when I’m overly accommodating, some coworkers start to take advantage, acting patronizing, gaslighting, and assuming I’m unaware.
Yep, and that your job is not valuable because you are so helpful. I have noticed people that are more respected are not as available and set boundaries.
Really insightful video! It's so true that being "too nice" can sometimes hinder growth. It's like when using Baited, my AI interview coaching app, it's not just about saying what you want to hear, but giving you the constructive feedback you need to improve. Keep up the great content! 👍
TL;DR being nice makes your feedback general, sound lazy, and not helpful. But don't juxtapose it against being honest, there are ways you can be both. Just clarify that you want to give deeper feedback to the reciever and see if that's actually something they want.
Thanks for saving 17 minutes of my life
Thank you. I was halfway through this verbose one.
Oh man thanks, was about to watch the whole thing
❤❤
Next time...I go to the comments first. Well resume.
Some workplaces, it doesn’t matter how nice you are. They’re sometimes just filled with assholes. If you work with intelligent adults, it makes everyone happier.
😂😂sooooooo true 👍
Agree
I work with intelligent people in engineering. They can still be assholes.
Talking from experience: YES and YES doesn't matter how good you are at your job, your soft skills some people will be afraid/harassed or something else dk really and do their best to be the a**holes.
The company was global, one of the biggest in the industry (great company with "trust" involved in the moto)
and this trust can be as bad as good feedback
trust on everything trying to be part of the community can get good people fired, in a case where co-workers with bad intentions lie for something/someone to achieve what they want in small scale or personal "something".
It's all about people intentions everywhere in every case.
all ways think critical, trust only once and listen to your intuition (it's a information processed by the brain too fast to be caught by the consciousness).
I definitely can identify with that. I work in a doctor's office and am easily twice the age of the girls (and yes, I use that term deliberately) that I work with and it is, quite literally, like working with a group of high school students. That is one of the reasons why, now, I go to work and do my job and come home. I have a couple of people that I have learned over time that I can trust, and these are people I interact with on anything other than a strictly professional level but other than that, it's absolutely neutral and professional. As one of those people said to me, "Welcome to working with bitches." (This was a woman saying it, BTW) Sometimes, no matter how kind you are (I don't use "nice" because it's a social construct and varies from place to place) the workplace is, indeed, filled with assholes, to use your term.
This is so powerful. As a black person working in hospitality since I was 12, moving to NYC from the South, trying to explain nicety differences even among the smartest people I know as native New Yorkers (elite) or people that went to grad school or operate in six figure jobs, regardless of race, class, etc. Almost all of them have no real responses to these tough questions and it makes me extremely disengaged to stay in NYC.
“As a black _____” stop with that!
Anxious nice pretty much sums up my whole personality
Right so I’m stressing everyone out? Cool.
the biggest issues in my work was "How should I treat people when i give feedback for them" cuz i recently got promoted, and i should suddenly give them feedback, even though yesterday we were in the same page of work.. and this video helps me a lot about the way i should do in my work. check if they wanna receive proper feedback or just compliment, and being nice and clear when i give some feedback. of course i can say about good things when i should say bad things about that work! giving feedback is important for them to improve themselves..... thanks for the lessons.
Companies don't want your opinion. Show up, do your work, stay under the radar, don't rock the boat or try to be a hero. Your job is to keep your job.
😂
No yiur job is to you job … you can work anywhere
Just be you
You're working for the wrong people if you feel that way!
Corporate simps
Did anyone else get anxious after she mentioned calling someone randomly up on stage? Like I’m not there but what if it was me 😭
I did 😬 Instant anxiety.
Sometimes you have to fake nice when others control your paycheck if you are not. You at least have to know the vibe/ emotional maturity level before you are able to be emotionally honest.
Any way to speed up the process?
@@JungleEd17 By taking small risks. To test what others around you are comfortable with/ react to. All I can say experience wise as I have seen it play out before my eyes. You will eventually get to a point where you CAN basically be honest AF.
@@JungleEd17😂
@@kevinperez7555 Looks like a good answer. Time to test some limits.
being truthful and providing critical feedback is only becoming more difficult as our culture becomes more sensitive to taking things personally.
I do the anxious nice thing at work because often times it's more painful providing thoughtful feedback. You can put a lot of emphasis on delivery, but people still do not receive it well.
Agreed. Being honest is becoming more risky. Especially at work, people are paid to say the "right" things not the truth.
I agree with you. I rejoice when someone is brutally honest and is critiquing my work. It helps me to improve and practice those weak skill sets and actually being an asset. My previous employers knew this, and my recent boss knows this. He speaks loudly and clear, and I'm all ears and taking notes. Not everything at work said to you is personal. It is a professional critique so that you, the employee, can do better moving forward. 📻 ✌️
I don't want the wrong person to get upset with me at work and damage my career by complaining to a higher level leader. So I go out of my way not to make anyone mad.
I feel like maybe half of my niceness in all my life was actually just due to anxiety. I never made that connection before. This was a helpful talk. You did make me realize how my niceness can actually be lazy, patronizing, and most importantly I think, unhelpful. Thanks for the insights 🙂
and ugh, imagining getting called upon on stage randomly made my palms sweaty at home. The poor audience 😅 but you had to do it to them haha. Thank you for sparing them.
(Am I purposely trying to give feedback that doesn’t come off lazy? 😵💫)
ANYBODY WHO TELLS OTHERS THAT BEING NICE....is bad...is SHALLOW-MINDED.
@@lugaritzbrown2250 I don’t think that’s what the speaker said though
Your job is to continue to get your paycheck. Don't worry about it.
All my life I’ve been raised by my parents teachers and society to ‘never change’ and to ‘always be myself’. WELL- I am always myself and never change when I’m nice but I’m being run over. So now I feel the need to morph in to being an a-hole just so people will stop using me as a doormat. Which makes me off balance with my true nature. So, basically, because they refuse to change their ways, I have to change for mine. In order to freaking survive. Literally. I need this job. And no matter where I work, it’s the same everywhere.
Sadly, this happened to me and my peers as well. We were given a mask from an early age to be nice, sweet, happy, understanding, and to speak softly. A young lady or man does not scream. They speak in even tone and slowly.
But as we age, we notice others don't follow these sets of rules. They shout, laugh loudly, are sarcastic, and have mean-demeanors, among other behaviours.
Being nice is a very nice mask to put on in public but if you wish to be kind and honest, that's the real you. But people don't want to see you as kind, honest, and respectful; even though that's what they preach; they want the fake you: nice, sweet, happy, tolerant, and soft spoken. This is something that I have learnt over the years through therapy and I'm no longer anyone's doormat. ❤ ❤ ❤ ✨️ ✨️ ✨️
Treat others the way you wanted to be treated. This is the Golden Rule. Don’t forget! Sometimes, life gave you trials for your own good, and please don’t go backwards.
Like I wrote this comment, it is crazy how big hipocracy is in this world 😢
@@pterodaktilcici yeah. I learned the very hard way. The old saying, “what goes around comes around”. Isn’t true.
You only need to change around certain people,.protect the real you for people who can receive it. For those who can't you have to find ways to handle yourself around them because not everyone can be like you
Interesting topic. The opening intro to the topic she introduces things people can see they can do in as she calls awkward moments, such as moving body, eye direction. She mentions the under the skin automatic responses by our unconscious part of our nervous system, and state that we can't choose this. Her comment about the automatic response in our body under the skin and with in is a little inaccurate as we can help our unconscious auto response to learn what is useful and desirable for us in each situation. I have been able to do this for me and can help you with this for yourself, creating what is authentic and appropriate for you and your attractions and repulsions in life.
My major problem during college. Because I'm afraid to offer genuine feedback, I just say "It's great." (Even though it's not), "You did well/great" (Honestly, you can improve it). This is one lesson that I'm still practicing to apply in my daily life and in the workplace
Why are you afraid of genuine feedback?
@@AparnaChinnakonda the anxiety of whether the things you're gonna say will offend the person or no. But then I realized, if the person can't handle an honest feedback, then that's his or her problem, not me.
Absolutely! I like your answer.
It also shows whether the receiver is mature enough to take the feedback constructively.
In my life till now, I’ve been given some good feedback, and some harsh. But when I moved to the US, everyone was nice. And it was SO hard for me to understand whether they were being genuine or just saying something nice for the sake of it.
So, I conducted an experiment. I showed a pretty bad design to my colleagues (I’m a designer). I got some, nice sketch, wow.. this is so good, and so on. I personally know that it’s a bad design, but the response I got was shocking.
So, i had to walk up to a British person to hear his feedback, and I got “that looks rubbish!” And I had a good laughter. I actually liked that feedback, because that was honest and it showed me that, the other person is actually looking at it with an interest to improve something in me.
@@AparnaChinnakonda that's an interesting experiment. I think most people really just don't want to offend anyone so they just give general comments instead of an honest feedback. And the sad thing is, those people only give honest feedback behind your back instead of saying it directly which, is more rude than just giving your feedback on what to improve.
Amazing information which I’ll apply to my personal life. Thank you for sharing your wisdom🙏🏾💪🏾
It’s one thing to be genuinely nice and another to be fake nice. I hate the latter.
I always have been rewarded for expressing my honest emotions by honest ostracism.
In my country which is Latvia at every work I was working as architect the most common is to say only negative feedback. Like for years of working in same place you are never good. But no-one is firing you. I heard it is made to make you feel like you are not a good worker so you are not worth of bigger salary and for you to think that no other workplace will take you so you are ready to stay longer with smaller pay. So there is no proble of being to formaly nice at work here
Yep, I can relate to the person that wants the tough, honest feedback. 😔 I NEED the criticism otherwise I feel like I don't have any useful direction on what to improve etc.
I think a variable that should be considered, is the pre existing relationship with the people giving feedback. Does your reputation precede you? Are you another peer that maybe they don't know too well? Things like that
My experience is that generalized feedback, whether negative or positive, is a tactic for avoiding reciprocated accountability, a method for placating herd mentality, and an overall power play.
Leaders who never offer specific examples for improvement, even when asked, often openly praise the group for mediocre performances and label a few scapegoats as outsiders who disrupt the team dynamic. My scapegoated friends are usually the ones who thrive on receiving constructive feedback and are not afraid to reciprocate. Leaders need to keep scapegoats in the dark about specific ways to improve in order to keep them destabilized. It makes it easier for the herd to stick together and avoid falling under the same labels as the scapegoat. Yay, morale.
Lastly, those leaders save the specific feedback for those moments when they need to substantiate why a scapegoat needs to be fired or penalized.
My personal struggle has been that I am too direct. Because of chronic, genralized feedback, it took me years to figure out what that meant. Now, I am better aware and more comfortable with working on tact when critiquing and increasing my specific praises.
THanks a lot . Now I know why we always want to listen to generic feedback. 😅
The secret is being nice yet constructive. If someone’s doing a great job, tell them so and why. Visa versa for the negative side - yet with empathy and a potential solution for improvement.
I used to be “too nice “ at work, I’m not that way anymore. We’re all adults at work. Don’t play games with me and I won’t play games with you.
We had an announcement at work. When the person asked if there were any questions, I was the only person who spoke up. Afterwards, people thanked me, but I was frustrated because I took the heat!
Totally get what you mean, I often receive feedback that I am doing well, I have to point out what my own mistakes are, then being told "no no no what you are doing is perfect" then getting an average rating when it comes to the final performance review. Being "too nice" is toxic in disguise.
I'm disappointed no one got on stage to discuss their most recent awkward encounter
It was downhill from there. I was really looking forward to an exploration along those lines.
I suppose it was embarrassing to share in a big group setting.
Especially when interrupting a live stage is a Columbia thing
Perhaps if she had picked out three or four people walking in. That she would be asking a few participants to go on stage and share an experience, get their okay. Then, once the speech got to that point, the audio/tech staff could bring the participant over to speak. I don't think anyone in the audience knew or was ready for it.
They are being just too nice🤣
Gosh I want to send this to all the associates I have worked with
Ohh I would love to hear how you conquered your looking up at the ceiling habit, because that’s something I do as well and I’m really struggling to stop.
I got called “mean” and “obtuse” at work because I set boundaries.
Yep, I relate… also ARROGANT, and BETTER THAN OTHERS…. 😢
People will just walk all over you and take advantage of your 'niceness' for their own gain. No one is your friend at work. No. One.
The fact that you have so many likes means your post has merit. That’s why we should relax a little bit and be more authentic. If things are becoming difficult then it might be time to say that. Most people will smile and nod.
That is unfortunate. Too many people take this to heart. Some of us really just are nice people, but too many others see nice people as a threat. It’s sad.
@@kimberleysunchuk2909I see it as just being nice-still they talk about me-they can’t do the job themselves so I step up & those same “nice” people are actually “mean girls” pretending to be nice. I prefer kind over nice.
@@Soltero87 yeah, but that isn't everyone. I hate that my being nice makes people assume I am covert mean girl.
That’s because capitalism drives a dark side out of people. Greed and corruption rule in this world. You can’t change humanities underlying culture as it’s part of survival.
I'm extremely awkward with colleagues, especially when I can see that they clearly don't like me. It's horrible. I prefer to choose the people who I work with so that I feel safe. It's sad that love is not the status quo of everyone in this world.
Know the difference between nice & kind. Nice will smile & speak ill when you don’t do something in their favor while the kind person is to the point no fluff and will accommodate as needed with genuine sincere help.
Find it in part, depending on how well established those in interaction are with themselves or with respect to those around them, be it job security, emotional maturity, openness to discourse, etc…
I really enjoyed this talk!!
Community se tips lena aur jeet ki khushi share karna bada hi mazedaar hai, sab ek saath cheer up kar rahe hain
Love these subtle techniques of priming someone into a listening mode, "showing your belly" (white guilt has a social function!) in intercultural contexts, giving positive directions rather than something to avert. All a rich strong structure that can apply more minutely and even broadly, let's hope we expand on these in the social sciences
when i was at work, i was very helpful, nice and if someone gossips behind my back, i stop talking to that bad person but in fact I need him especially if he s professionnal, so i ll try to hide my feelings and instead of avoiding eye contact i start making compliments on how he looks and how he dresses.
conclusion:
work hard until everyone asks for ur help🎉
This is the case for Dutch directness. Something I'm known for working in an international environment.
I'm not sure I agree with the start small suggestion. "Change the font" can be seen as just as generic as overly nice feedback.
Be specific, be constructive, focus on the work and content, don't make it personal, and let them know why the feedback is being given. I also appreciate when they give me the chance to self critique first.
So... constructively criticize out loud, but be polite, relatable, understandable, and sincerely useful.
Don't forget to first make sure it's even your business to criticize!
Tessa... You brought a smile to my day..Thank You ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Very insightful especially for when giving feedback thank you
Is not to be nice, is Just to show respect to other people, always being yourself.
Me same
I like your talk, meaningful and resonates with me. Thanks!
“Do you want to hear the truth or do you need to be encouraged?” Dawn Wilson
TL:DR2: Reduce crutch lingo and inform people. Be succinct. Ramble less. Don’t be a jerk.
(Side question: Why does the sign say TEDx and not TED?)
Longer version:
Dimensions help visualize ramble over information, and I agree that filler lingo is lazy and leaves people confused or worse- apathetic if little to no info is conveyed over many interactions.
Rambling and being nice also causes misunderstandings and quarrels and even corroded relationships.
Thank you for helping people communicate more clearly!
Cultures also dictate and encourage indirect communication which obscures even more the intent of speakers.
For example: Obligatory respect to elders and masters is a cultural phenomenon that could discourage one from speaking more directly and clearly.
Merit-based cultures even the value of all speakers.
In my opinion don’t give any feedback just Observe, Listen and Learn if it’s constructive. But when someone (colleague or manager) genuinely wants your feedback, be honest and add niceness, positivity and encouragement.
Were there any autistic and/or ADHD individuals participating in the studies?
Some of those "stress responses", not making eye contact, fidgeting, playing with hair, aren't always stress related.
For ADHD and autism, they're called "stimming", which is short for "self stimulatory", and we do it to maintain our focus.
It doesn't sound like that was taken into consideration.
Yes! as an ADHD'er, I spent most of this video picking at my nails, swinging my chair around, and I forgot I was watching this and walked away twice lol
Well when it comes to publishing studies have the money to pay a publisher is MUCH more important than qualitative analysis of the data collection 😂 these wannabe pseudo-intellectuals don't care about facts they just wanna push their personal brand
I actually came here to see if there were any people that commented about neurodivergence. I wouldn't be surprised if, when she talked about "for every one person who likes nice feedback there's another one that thinks it's lazy", the latter is actually neurdivergent (which, coincidentally, also suggests that 50% of people might be neurdivergent, which would mean it's not as divergent as one would think). And I also believe that neurdivergent people are usually the ones that see straight through fake niceness.
I reject the labeling-and-sell-you-treatment mindset. It's very likely I would be labeled as something if I went to get checked, but I refuse. It's a trap and we're better off without it. Be strong and get on with life. And yes, it is that simple.
You basically said neurodivergent peiole are lazy there are neurodivergent people who actually do their work while being quirky, missing social clues or not able to focus. Are half thevpeiole in your life neurodivergent? At work? In the stores in the community?
A big part of the problem is businesses generally (and perhaps out of necessity) value short term profit over honesty. Toss in an abundance of poor-quality pop psychology and a lack of acceptance of the reality of objective truth, and what we have is a society slowly circling the drain.
Give specific constructive feedback. Got it.
I apply the golden rule, in the workplace or personal. I always look for a win-win situation. However, mostly people see being nice as weak and ignore my importance. People always assume I will understand the situation.
Great speech
This is not a constructive feedback 🫣🤭
I’ve always wondered why my anxiety increased after moving to the US. As the speaker say, the stress and anxiety can be easily picked up from other people, it has bothered me a lot. I know this because I was never anxious back in my home country. Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t like it here.
It’s just that I’ve been curious as to why White people have underlying anxiety all the time, and it’s hard to get any feedback. A sugarcoated negative feedback is not a positive feedback. It’s better to give a negative feedback if things are not okay. It’s better to be direct and honest.
Thank u
People don’t really want honesty 😂. For our annual reviews I told one of my reps that maybe it wasn’t a good idea to use acronyms that we only know because we were given a sheet with them on there (that even some of our employees don’t know because they don’t read) on emails to clients. When we got back he went on the teams chat and asked the team if they received any training on how to draft their emails because it seemed that i had received training that he didn’t (we were in the same training class because we started working there on the same day). It just showed me why he was still on the front lines when I had progressed to management. As pretentious as that might sound.
When I asked directly but calm and firmly, how my FIL was a dad to my husband he said that question was slandering him. Now, I know slander is a personal attack on a person but it was a genuine question. Some people are just evil despite the best of trying to find out the truth. This study fails that preconceived notions about certain people will drive the nervousness until there’s an understanding of each other out of an openness to relate one to the other. Be careful who you decide to trust but allow all people the chance…they’ll demonstrate who they are over and over…all you have to do is believe them when they do.
This is culturally characteristic from Northamerica. Lived in Europe and have friends from Netherlands. You truly face honest response most of the time.
In my experience, this is particularly an american issue
In europe, people are definitely at more face value, mostly since there are laws that actually protects the employee from random termination :^)
I had received both types of feedback in the past. And sometimes, I came to the point that I felt people should stick with nice feedback, if they do not have really good feedback.
What I found is, real feedback is hard. And way too often, I hear people give feedback on what they interpret without knowing the full story (and when you asked them to elaborate, it sometimes comes out how they arrived at that conclusion). As a result, I have receive feedback for things that are polar opposites of each other. I understand that in each instance, I am sure there are things that led them to that conclusion about me, but way too often that's not what people focus on providing feedback. It is easy to see then how damaging that can be, because it leaves the receiver with only one conclusion - either somebody likes them or they do not like them, which is very detrimental to the receiver's mental health. Because of the different ways me as a person is interpreted, I can only conclude that I need to tailor different things to different people because that is the only way I can satisfy both of them.
So, unless you have something specific to give feedback for, then stick with being nice. Don't try too hard and find something without knowing the full story just to fit into the model of how feedback is supposed to be given.
Drives me crazy when my employers don't give me truthful, straightforward feedback.
Same 🙋♀️
I had to let go of various jobs and projects.
Professional honest, raw critique can help you or anyone to sharpen up those skills or weak points in order to do a greater job. And even in the long run, get a promotion because now you are an expert in that specific field.
That's office politics for you
I don’t get stressed or upset about my emotions, just those of others. I regulate and control mine, it is others who are emotionally weak and can’t act right. They’re your emotions, don’t make them burdens for others. Drop your ego and quell your emotions, th eyes both weaknesses to be surpassed and overcome, not voices to be guided by.
They. Are. Weak.
Also before idiots come triggered to complain st me keep in mind it is always negative when someone says you’re ‘being emotional’ but never mean it negatively when someone says you acted rationally.
Is only... the only thing being nice, interested in my team and work, reapectful and open, is that they do not like it! Had to leave a job that was never ever satisfied (my manager and a coworker) with me, while the rest were amazing. I ended up giving priority to find gentle places and just keep quiet.
The irony of this talk happening at Columbia University
Love the phrase 'niceness culture'.
I just get upset whenever I feel being nice is not working for me. Yelling at the windows update taking ages .. or the customer that doesn't know how requirements come about and thinks that their user stories are spot on! There's enough to stop being nice about! Actually one can still be nice to the person speaking, just use something else as vanishing point (but do no blaming to third parties when not being present or unsolicited , that is frowned upon). -- It works, funny enough people around me feel quite liberated - awkwardness replaced with whatever else this is.. ( I think it is just awkwardness again, just me not noticing it 😂)
In german speaking countries I think social awkwardness coming about while being too nice is actually quite rare (In Switzerland more often than in Germany in my experience ).
wish more people could give feedback without being rude about it, I work with a lot of Gordon Ramsays who think the best way to talk to someone is by carrying on like an idiot
And still people love Gordon Ramsay, isn’t society as stupid as they can be? How can someone even idolize a guy that shouts at everyone and treats people like idiots in order to fulfill his bank account.
Most people are not as self aware as you. So they just deal with it.
PEOPLE! For the sake of my job i need all the feedback i can get. I find people are sensitive if you give feedback you are labeled as “the know it all” or “do not ask me ask her” When it comes to work being efficient is what matters (aren’t we in this together, if the company does good so will the employees) so being direct is what i choose. If you want small talk and compliments buy me lunch.
This might be able to help me. Too nice at work and thought everyone is on the same boat with me proves me very wrong
I'm definitely not nice at work. Especially to those people who've had decades of experience already but still don't know what to do. How did these people get the job but still don't know what to do when they were put into it already?
Well I watched this video yesterday and today I mustered up the courage to not be nice anymore at work.
I was just sent home for being not nice .
Not nice, doesnt give you permission to be mean 😂
At work, I try to be nice and respectful to other colleagues. What goes around, comes around if you have good people around you, those that genuinely wish the best of others. I share many good and bad things together to overcome any obstacle at work. I cant say this will apply the same to the work place with toxic people filled with bad intentions only. However the most important thing is to live by the Word of God in the bible and not be transformed by the patterns of this world; toxic, wicked, and arrogant mind, etc. You set the tone at the work place. Show good deeds in your work place no matter what. Light defeats darkness all the time. When it is time for you to move on, God will open another door for you. That is my life testimony. We dont deserve goodness in our life but God loved us first as we were sinners. As Christians, you love and care for others as Jesus showed His unconditional love for us. Pray for colleagues who need to be delivered. Only God can change a mind and heart of a person.
I absolutely love this!
When you are a teacher, being aware of your feedback just increases ten-fold. That is one of the many reasons why teaching is so tiresome: you have to be careful of the things you say when returning papers or correcting lessons and even when giving your classes. It is basically being in a hypervigilant mode all the time, which, meaningless to say, is severely detrimental to your health in the long run.
I'm nice, but when things happen at work, I call a spade a spade. We're not supposed to do that I guess, the managers just look at me like I slapped them in the face.
Same here.
Great job! 😅
Most - yes most - people dont want the feedback and then it comes back to bite me in the butt and labeled as tough. Most folks don’t want actual feed back and we cant tell who genuinely WANTS feedback.
You're just making our lives harder in an already tough world! 😮
Interesting talk, I was wondering if you have ever considered the cultural bias to the answers from your interviewees? I guess in other countries in Europe (France or Germany for example), feedback giving will not follow the same pattern because of cultural bias/acceptance of such feedbacks?
nice at work is a must, but too nice harms us shelf
i think this depends a lot on the culture not all the reactions are the same in all cultures also it's different from one person to another
🎯 Key points for quick navigation:
Awkward & Anxious: Social awkwardness triggers anxiety (increased heart rate, sweating) [儀️].
Non-verbal Cues Matter: People fidget and avoid eye contact in awkward situations [].
Anxious Niceness Hurts: Overly nice feedback can be unclear, unhelpful, and stressful, especially for minorities [].
Challenge the Culture of Niceness: Don't assume everyone wants vague compliments. Ask for permission to give specific and constructive feedback [].
Be Specific with Feedback: Both positive reinforcement (e.g., "reports by 5 pm") and constructive criticism (e.g., "speak up in meetings") should be clear [].
Start Small, Break the Cycle: Begin with neutral topics to practice giving and receiving constructive feedback [].
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I think the reason why anxiety is present is because of the possibility of criticisms. Imagine if people will always give positive feedback, I don't think there's a single person in the office/anywhere who will suffer from uneccesary anxieties. I think criticisms are perfect in the area of politics.
Some people just don't know how to give feedback effectively so they defer to 'nice' rather than show their own ignorance.
I’m a night manager at a store. Maybe I am too nice. But by nature, I’m not a mean person. I’m not real assertive and I’m not a confrontational person. Just being honest. I don’t wanna make waves with the people I have to work with…I worry about making things awkward and uncomfortable.
I'm too nice but if someone tests me they quickly realize not to test me ever again. And I go back to being nice but now they know.😂
This is a difference between "direct" cultures and "indirect" cultures.....will be difficult to change, like the "preferred" level of politeness, it is all relative.
wen i give criticism i just have to remind myself dat i just want to see them be the best version of themselves
Im in middle management and feel like I'm way too nice. It's hard not to be because of my personal philosophy and politics. I know that my job is to trick people into thinking that they need this job. These people are under paid and under appreciated by executives. I have to perform this juggling act between holding to my pricipals and not being a tyrant. Its exhausting.
There has to be a balance.