"You have no place to go back to because there was never a safe place". Feels so good to hear this truth. I'm 44 and still bear the consequences even after 20 years of seeing therapists. It has so many layers and goes back many generations. Feeling safe and secure is something I'm still learning. Thank you, you're helping us feel understood, acceptable (what a healing keyword!) and clean. One thing that's been really helpful for me is swimming: feeling your own strength at moving through the resistance of water, extending your breath, feeling your body respected and carried by water, and maybe feeling cleaned or purified by water as well...
Hi Antonella, I hope you feel a bit better again now. I'm glad that swimming helps you so much. I'm responding because of the feeling of cleansing that you experience when swimming. I experienced the same feeling of filth when someone harassed me once and I came up with what I call the cleansing technique to treat that feeling of filth. I've posted it in a comment above and thought it might benefit you too. All the very best, Diedert
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
When it’s not just one abuser, but multiple throughout your life… that really gets your brain stuck in that mindset of “well it must be something I’m doing that’s making all these people want to hurt me” Something I’m learning is that yes, it is possible that people who’ve never met each other can abuse you in similar ways. And no, it does not mean you did something to cause it. You were just unlucky enough to cross paths with these people. Correlation does not equal causation. I’m still learning, but I hope this message helps someone.
THIS. Being able to trust this truth (and letting go of the words of abusers and gaslighters who reinforce the false believe that it was my fault, that I’m out of my mind and am somehow wrong about what happened to me, that no one will ever believe me and that everyone blames me the way they do, etc.) is something I’ve been trying so hard to be able to do. It’s essential for my healing and to have any chance at life. Thank you for your comment. It helps. ❤
Making Love The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically.I
I definitely disassociated when it happened to me as a child. I'm much better now and it really helped when I distanced myself from family who believed I should just forgive and forget and let the abuser back into the family. Then I was able to take time for me to heal.
I am so sorry for you. Maybe it didn't make a difference for you to hear that, but I want you to know, that many women/girls experience similar situations like you. You are not alone! And you don't need to forgive him ever. It's not your duty or something. You did nothing wrong and you don't need to do anything you don't want to do.
Making Love The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically.I
I have experienced similar situation you what worse is that image you had of that person I comsodered him my idol n now he is nothing i have so much rage n we live in same and i see him everyday i talked to my mom she disnt believe me she said that you must be dreaming or something . Its been 2 3 years i have never slept safely in my own house
@@devarshigaikar8973Hello there, I know its been 4 months since you commented this but I want you to know you're not alone! My mom loves my abuser. I currently live with them both. Whenever i tell her i feel unsafe she just guilt trips me for making her feel bad. I am so sorry you are going through a similar thing but I want you to know I understand how you feel, the isolation, the anger, I know it all too well. I am working hard to leave this place for good. I hope one day you can leave too and heal from this. 🥺💜 Sending you a big hug! Keep your chin up my friend, I'm here with you. 💜
Does anyone else just feel gross? Like any time I think about what happened u just feel disgusting. Like I'm the grossest person in the world bc of what they did. Idk I just feel gross. Like I'm not angry or sad or anything from it Idk I feel weird. Also anxious lmao I feel extremely anxious all the time now.
I really struggled with anyone looking at me for months afterward. The thought of anyone looking at me and feeling interest or attraction made me feel so disgusted like I needed to hide my body from the entire world. I still feel gross but I was able to accept attraction and interest from people eventually. It's hard, I hope you're doing alright
Hearing you talking about coping mechanisms made me cry. Half in sorrow, half in hope. It is good to acknowledge that those mechanisms are not my enemies. They just don´t serve me anymore. So, thank you for keeping me through all that. But now it´s time to go.
I was traumatized as a six year old, by all the boys in my class on my first day of school. They undreessed my pants and touched me. Maybe they didnt intent to sexually assault me but that was the effect. Thus sex became extremely difficult as an adult. I learned to make love because the intention to have sex created expectations, fear of failure and pressure to perform. Making love is something that I can always do, because i ama loving person. I practiced it with myself and with others and sex became irrelevant. Making love contains sexual elements but also doesn't expect anything. What feels good, i do. I wish you on your journey that you heal. Much Love from around the globe
I really appreciate that you included that all survivors of trauma do NOT process abuse the same way. I was one of those women who responded to childhood sexual abuse by becoming overly sexual because it gave me a sense of control and because of that, i was convinced by many people (my therapist included!) that I hadn't actually experienced trauma because i was not afraid of sex. It took me years to understand that I wasn't a freak because i responded the way that I did and that I used sex as a means of controling people in relationships (not proud of it). Lots of counseling later I'm in a healthy relationship now. I will say also that growing up in a very Christian household that had some pretty extreme beliefs, it wasn't handled in a healthy way by the adults and authority figures in my life. I started to tell my grandmother why i didn't like my step-father and she told me that God wanted me to honor my father and he was the only one I was going to get. I also grew up believing (thanks to the same set of grandparents) that bad things like rape don't happen to good girls because God protects them... they definitely do, and it doesn't have anything to do with being sinful. I'm a Sunday school teacher now and I've used my access with young girls to let them know that bad things DO still happen when you love God, and that just because a grown-up tells you something does NOT mean that it's true.
Making Love The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically.I
Whenever I hear that sex is a way to show love it makes me so angry...when that's never what I've experienced. It just seems like people's selfish desires to me even though I know this isn't true all the time. Sometimes I think that all the things that happened throughout my life didn't affect me but then I look at little behaviors and my reactions to things and realize it actually does. I haven't gotten help. I actually haven't told anyone that I know IRL. But I hope I get the chance to do these things at some point.
Yeah it feels wrong to me too. For me I felt like my self, who I was, got denied and only physically accepted and that tore me apart emotionally. I'm still working on my recovery.
Through therapy I realized that I was in fact traumatized by my childhood SA. I'd denied it for a long time, became hypersexual as a way to feel like it was MY choice, and if I chose to do it so much then I couldn't be traumatized. After all I'd been in a relationship with a person I love and trust and felt safe with for 12 years (17 now) so what was there to feel traumatized about? But my therapist was able to figure out that I dissociate during sex, and had been doing it for years without realizing it. I just thought that's what it was supposed to be like, after all the abuse was my first experience. I've since learned to be able to have "real" sex, for lack of a better term, that I actually stay present for and experience fully. It's freaking bonkers. But I still think about how deeply such a thing affected my life and for so long. But there is hope, and I'm proud of my progress.
I am so happy that you can say that you’re proud of your progress. I think that something that I tend to struggle with at times, like actually acknowledging how far I’ve come and praising myself for it. I’m so proud of you for being proud of yourself because that truly is such a huge thing that I believe we as survivors forget to take into consideration! Bless you’re soul❤️
I hope to reach a place of healing like that, so far I have gone to therapy but sex is still physically painful for me. Not sure if it will ever stop being painful.
When I Make Love I had the intention to have sex in the past. It created expectations, pressure and fear that I fail. When you are sexually traumatized like me it is even worse. When I make love on the other side, it is something that I can always do. Even though I am sexually traumatized. Because I am by nature a loving person. Making love includes all sexual elements but it is not limited to that alone. It works like a manual. What feels good, I do. And I practice it with myself and others. Sex becomes irrelevant and I can love myself and others physically.
"At least I'm going to do it on my own terms. " Ive felt so much safer being completely abstinent but only since I've felt safe. Working out and dancing have really helped me even if I have to do it alone.
Making Love The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically.I
That part about moving your body really struck a chord. While going through therapy to deal with my childhood sexual abuse I started fencing. I was having so much body pain from the anxiety and such and read that fencing was a good exercise to help. The unexpected part was that it was a safe and controlled space in which I could learn to release a lot of my rage through physical exertion.
Fencing is awesome, but dainty, in my experience. They don’t like you to go after your opponent…expressively…on the strip. If you find anger is a thing and fencing is constraining, get someone who will teach you to box.
Making Love The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically.I
I was sexually assaulted by the guy I was dating for four months. It really came off guard because a lot of my friends liked him and my family didnt want to admit it but they did too. He was aware I was a victim of child abuse and sexual abuse growing up, which made it even more convoluted. I was very vulnerable to him and wanted to make it work, because he told me I was precious to him.As a survivor of abuse, that meant a lot to me and even drove me to tears. It really breaks my heart that after years of trying to heal, I open myself up to love again only to find myself being abused yet again. I really want to stop meeting these kinds of people. Im filled with so much bitterness and rage towards men, that sometimes I dont feel anything anymore. I just feel numb. I no longer know which man I want to be mad at. It's so hard to heal and tell yourself it is ok to love again after healing for years, then the person you open your heart to disrespects you with the same selfish behaviour that abusers over the years were to you. I fucking hate it. I just want to be loved gently is that too much to ask.
I think it’s important to take the time to let go of that bitterness over a few years of just taking care of yourself and intentionally making new friends who you select very very carefully. And become an expert at asserting your boundaries throughout that time. I’m feeling what you’re feeling. I’ve been on and off with my boyfriend for about 2 years and these are all of the things I’m focusing on. He is uncertain about me for different (laughable) reasons but i keep him around on my terms. I’m in a weird in between where I want to be single but i want seggs even though i have had such a bad relationship with it for so long. I also just had an abortion 2 weeks ago. The decision was so easy. But it was still traumatic and it made me want to get closer to him???? So in this confusing time I’m just focusing on my boundaries, going to friends instead of him for any problems, and making myself happy
I can so feel this … I had a so many traumatic experiences with men and I was recently sexually assaulted by a colleague I work with … I’ve never dealt with anything like this before, I feel like my life will change after this …. I want to heal to move forward but I am simply disgusted by men … All they do is act nice untill they get what they want and they simply either ghost you or treat you like the ultimate piece of shit… I see happy couples and I am afraid now that I ll never have that because of what I ve experienced … Love peace and healing to all…
The first sexual assault happened when I was about 18 months old. I was in the care of a man who I didn't know, for 3 days. He left me alone in his home during the day. He didn't feed me. He force fed me large amounts of liquid medicine and assaulted me every night. By the 3rd night, I didn't try respond to what he was doing. I knew that it was inevitable and I had no way to prevent it. The first memory that I have of my father assaulting me, was when I was younger than 5 years old. He was verbally and physically violent. He assaulted me regularly until I was about 8 years old. He liked to cut off my airway and look into my eyes while he was hurting me. When I was about 9 years old, a man who I'd never met before, told me that he had something that he wanted to show me and my parents let me go with him. I was returned to my parents in late afternoon. I was in pain and it hurt to walk. My hair was messed up and I'd been crying. The man told my parents that I had been injured while riding a bike. It was a complete lie, but I didn't correct him and my parents took his word for it. When I was 6 years old, my teenage sister lores me out into the woods and assaulted me with force and pain. I told my mother about it as soon as I could get away from her. My mother thought that it was funny. That's when I knew that my sister could do anything that she wanted to me and no one would protect me. She didn't molest me again, but she molested 2 of my brothers regularly. When I was 13 years old, my mother fallowed me into the attic. She asked if she could touch my chest, because hers hadn't been perky for a long time and she wanted to know what it felt like. I didn't feel safe to say no. When I was old enough to date, I didn't want to have intercourse with anyone. I didn't want to get pregnant. My first college boyfriend raped me. He said that I didn't have a good enough reason to say no. I had a weight training class with him and I had to see multiple times every week. I was studying to become a veterinarian. By the end of the semester, my PTSD was so bad that I couldn't force myself to go to the college campus anymore. I have been assaulted many times since then. The one time that I reported it to the police, the man pled guilty and was sentenced to 3 years of probation. My self harm became so pronounced that I was hospitalized regularly. I lost custody of my 2 year old son. The man who assaulted me, never saw the inside of a jail cell. I have also been in a lot of relationships where domestic violence was involved. The last dangerous relationship that I was in, inspired me to go to a domestic violence shelter. He is the most dangerous partner I've ever had. I was taught that it was a crime to leave a man, but I wasn't going to let him take my life and I wasn't going to stay loyal to a father who would see my murder as property damage or a mother who would have capitalized on my death for sympathy and attention. I left town with out telling anyone. I cut off contact with everyone I've ever known and started trauma therapy. It took 43 years for me to come to the conclusion that no one was going to save me and the only way that I was going to survive was to become the hero I'd been waiting for.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. That's horrible. I hope you find people in your life who love you and respect your boundaries and are people you can trust.
@@suzymoon2067 I think that society needs to recognize that women are not live stock. In 2019, I cut off contact with every person who I've ever known. Being alone used to be my worst nightmare. Here I am by myself and I have never felt less alone. It is better to be by yourself than be with someone who makes you feel alone. It is never too late to start your life. My parents took 43 years of my life from me. I will not be giving them anymore. It is not too late for you either ( starting a new life doesn't necessarily include a intimate partner ) 💚
Where there is suffering, the spark of love dwells. And the fire is kindled where God enters and spreads. I wrote this for you because i cannot fathom the suffering you faced. God is in you and I wish you get people who treat you with love. You are good, strong and great. Nothing Is wrong with you. I was traumatized as a six year old, by all the boys in my class on my first day of school. They undreessed my pants and touched me. Maybe they didnt intent to sexually assault me but that was the effect. Thus sex became extremely difficult as an adult. I learned to make love because the intention to have sex created expectations, fear of failure and pressure to perform. Making love is something that I can always do, because i ama loving person. I practiced it with myself and with others and sex became irrelevant. Making love contains sexual elements but also doesn't expect anything. It became a manual. What feels good, i do. I love you as a person and God made you his strongest soul. ❤
I experienced sexual trauma as a child and again as a married adult. It was so hard to reconnect sexually with my husband, but I did it. There is hope, but I agree that help is required. Being the victim is so stigmatized, there can be alot to dig through ❤
Making Love The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically.I
When I Make Love I had the intention to have sex in the past. It created expectations, pressure and fear that I fail. When you are sexually traumatized like me it is even worse. When I make love on the other side, it is something that I can always do. Even though I am sexually traumatized. Because I am by nature a loving person. Making love includes all sexual elements but it is not limited to that alone. It works like a manual. What feels good, I do. And I practice it with myself and others. Sex becomes irrelevant and I can love myself and others physically.
I was sexually abused as a child. They believed me about the physical abuse but not the sexual. Then had things go on as a teen that I finally said that if all anyone wants is my body then fine. Took me years to get away from that.
1:02 Captures it perfectly. My SA happened between the ages of 5-7. There isn't this magical me before SA. It's the earliest thing I have to work with memory wise and emotionally. However I want to say growing up with SA as a core part of my life and various incongruent bits of therapic support, I have survived through trying to respect myself from what cards I was dealt. I've devoted my art to it and my day job.
I was traumatized as a six year old, by all the boys in my class on my first day of school. They undreessed my pants and touched me. Maybe they didnt intent to sexually assault me but that was the effect. Thus sex became extremely difficult as an adult. I learned to make love because the intention to have sex created expectations, fear of failure and pressure to perform. Making love is something that I can always do, because i ama loving person. I practiced it with myself and with others and sex became irrelevant. Making love contains sexual elements but also doesn't expect anything. What feels good, i do. I wish you on your journey that you heal. Much Love from around the globe
This video came at exactly the right time. I’ve been stressing and getting immensely upset recently over the SA I dealt with at 13. 3 years later I’m still struggling. Thank you.
That is so sad. I was 6 (m) when it happened and she was 16. I'm 43 now and still dealing with the shit. I am so sorry this happened to you, this sucks. 😢 hang in there.
My sexual trauma hasn't been long ago now, I had unhealthy boundaries with my ex after breaking up, we still occasionaly had sex, and for a while that was fine and didn't hurt me. By the time I recognised it, I also had to recognise that he had a hard time taking no for an answer, pouting and sweettalking and not letting the topic rest until I had to shut the door in his face so he would actually leave. He wasn't even asking for sex at that moment, just for me to massage him because he had muscle issues, and I told him we both knew where that would end and I didn't want that. On the day it happened, we had originaly agreed that we wouldn't go there, that he was just going to pick up his mail and leave, but one thing came to another and he stayed longer than I meant him to, the topic came up and eventually I felt pressured. He said something that set me off on flashbacks to previous emotional abuse, and I believe at that point I just caved in and had a freeze response and let it happen. As fallout of that assault I got into a fight with a friend who misunderstood me and thought I just slept with my ex again, and then withdrew from my support system, lost almost all contact to the potential partner I had before, I couldn't reach a therapist, I couldn't tell my family... It took weeks until I even got the chance to tell my best friend, months to dip my toes back into the friendgroup, even more months to make up with the friend who misunderstood me and just as long to finally accept that it wasn't my fault. There's still days I feel like my entire world fell apart just because I couldn't say no to my ex. Just because I was vulnerable and fell for something I promised myself I'd never fall for again. I'm still in the middle of healing. I've got a friend who agreed on friendship with benefits just so I could have someone safe to get intimate with again, I'll hopefully get the chance to tell the potential partner what even happened even if we're probably over now, and I'll look for a therapist again sometime soon. I recognise that I can't do all the healing on my own.
I wanted to say good on you for trying your best to move forward! I experienced something very similar back in 2020 and I’m still dealing with it to this day. I’m proud of u and am together with u as a survivor. Sending love ❤️
I grew up among drunk uncles and my mom was always so afraid of me being hurt. I remember listening that I should be careful around them (I really liked them) and if they did something to me I should tell. I was four years old when I spent the entire Christmas Eve paying attention to the way they were looking and touching me, I was so stressed. My mother's mom used to touch me all the time and had a strange need to see me taking a shower (I was 6/7). My dad would always be mad at my mom because she wasn't sleeping with him (I remember being so confused with why he was always mad). I also grew up hearing jokes about rape. When I was 15 and I started to workout, my grandfather touched me and I remember being ??????????? I never thought I needed to worry about him. Anyway, I love physical contact but I'm terrified of it, kissing and hugging a man it's so scary even if I like them. I never told my mom about her mother and her father because I didn't want to cause trouble. also, I was embarrassed and I was scared to tell my dad because I knew he would be mad at me and possibly laugh (he always made jokes about abuse and women)... Idk, I'm studying to be a therapist right now and studying more about it and talking freely about sex helps a little but it's so hard.
I'm sorry for your suffering. I was traumatized as a six year old, by all the boys in my class on my first day of school. They undreessed my pants and touched me. Maybe they didnt intent to sexually assault me but that was the effect. Thus sex became extremely difficult as an adult. I learned to make love because the intention to have sex created expectations, fear of failure and pressure to perform. Making love is something that I can always do, because i ama loving person. I practiced it with myself and with others and sex became irrelevant. Making love contains sexual elements but also doesn't expect anything. What feels good, i do. I wish you on your journey that you heal. Much Love from around the globe
@@Amandasbarros I am an author but I also work in a place for people with mental illnesses. I have Scizophrenia, beside my sexual abusive childhood trauma. And I also survived my suicide attempt last year with luck and help. I was rescued by my mom and two friends. I overdosed because i thought i would lose my partner back then. I went through 6-7 days of deep darkness. Vomitting, sh!tting myself, falling around and breaking things and everything was blacked out. At the end i layed there in my Apartment unconscious. When I was saved, they brought me to a Hospital. I had kidney failure and a sitting and laying trauma. Now a year later my kidney is working again and I can train despite my sitting and laying trauma. I learned to be complete if i really lost my partner. My partner was touched that i would kill myself for her but she of course didnt want me to do it in the first place. I learned to be complete in myself if i really lost her. Which also happened but i treasure the time we had. I write about what I learn, reflect and integrate from my personal experiences to help hundreds of people online. Whether it is suicide, depression, trauma, guilt, fear and other universal elements in our psyche. Because i was helpless in my childhood trauma i help others. I found my task through my trauma. I write Wisdoms, Religious elements, techniques, aphorisms, Philosophies and psychological learnings. I plan to publish my book this year. A psychologist/doctor from a trauma clinic Last year, that I have helped, discovered my Talent in writing and said to me it would be a sin if I didn't use it to help others. Its funny im mentally ill but i help doctors and psychologists. Here in germany mentally ill people are seen as less worthy than those without Mental illness it seems. Anyway I had an intention in writing you. I write in hopes of helping others. Making Love has rescued me and maybe it helps you too. What you connect with these words is all yours and to your wish. I wish you good Fortune on your life and your goals. And thank you for your compassion. Your message helped me through the evening because when you wrote that you are sorry for what i went through i had a Burst of going forward. Little Motivations have big impacts. Now you heard even more of my suffering journey. I just felt free to talk about these things with you because you seem like an open person where i feel safe approaching you. What you went through is severe too. I hope you find your trust in men or the right man or whatever your preference is and I wish you the best from heart. It Was nice speaking to you so were not alone in our suffering. Take care ❤️
It happened to me a few years ago. I saw myself as a monster because I let it happen despite my constant efforts to say no. I was drunk, I was taken advantage of, and when it was done I tried to make amends with her by saying I just wanted to be friends despite what happened. She didn't speak to me again after that. I felt like I did something wrong, and it was only a year or two ago that I realized what had actually happened. I'm still healing from it, and realizing that it was sexual trauma I experienced opened up that door for me to begin the process of moving forward. This video is so validating to hear. Thank you so much.
It wasn't your fault in the slightest! Taking advantage of a person when they're not in their right state of mind is one of the most coward kinds of abuse, bc the victim is left feeling guilty afterwards but the outcome and the psychological impacts are exactly the same as any other SA. I'm so sorry this happened to you, please know your abuser is 100% in the fault here.
one of the most significant things i have is my husband made me a little corner in the house it has curtains and pillows and blankets and i can retreat there and feel safe
1:09 I’m already crying. This is the first time I’ve heard this. People either treated me like I was a whore (for being abused as a child??), or that I was this broken thing they felt pity for and couldn’t see past my trauma. We just want to hear that we’re not alone, and we’re still loved after what happened. 🤍
For me it was denial. It was happening to me for years by a family member. I denied it and suppressed and refused to think about it. It took me a decade to speak out. I see now that denial kept me sane and positive.
I tried to ‘rebuild’ my foundation in a with a guy who basically viewed me as what he was settling for because he couldn’t get anything he deemed ‘actually worth his time’, to the point he once somewhat complained to me about how he couldn’t go hook up with another woman because he ‘had to be here with me’. Once when I told him I wasn’t just his ‘freebie to get his pleasure met whenever he wanted’ he looked at me and told me ‘yea you are’ and tried to play it off as a joke. I think most stinging of all was that after being intimate, he would tell me all about the other people he wished he could have sex with, and how sad he was he couldn’t. And I just… sat there and took it. I thought it was healthy, that I was ‘lucky’ because… at least some guy was willing to respect my boundaries and consent, as if that wasn’t just the bare minimum after my SA, and it’s effects. Now, in the wake of all that, him no longer around, I’m beginning to realize how fundamentally damaging my sexual experiences have been to me, and accepting that, I honestly don’t have a concept of what intimacy I actually enjoy, that is safe, and healthy, for me, feels like. Like all I’ve known has been settling and trauma. And honestly, it’s left me feeling emptier than I could have imagined.
I wish these teachings were compulsory in schools! I was born into a family that has generationally never been sharing or openly affectionate so I never felt I could tell anyone without being blamed or shamed for it. I'd been exposed to sexual advances/touch/abuse all through childhood and I physically matured very early. I coped by shutting down emotionally, pretending things were how I wanted, and taking control of my sexuality by being overtly sexual when I was attracted to somebody. It took a very abusive relationship for me to look inwards and see these things had really affected me and were controlling my choices in adulthood. I still have trouble understanding and coping with strong emotions without shutting down but thanks to channels like this I'm learning more each day. Thank you so much for your insightful help :)
My husband has always been super respectful where any type of intimacy, or sexuality is concerned. He is my first experience with healthy sexuality. 6 months ago my 4 months of therapy ended abruptly. I have been slowly shutting down. Over the weekend we talked. He had been worried he had done something wrong. when he asked why I took so long to speak up, "Honestly, it has taken me this long to give my brain the compassion it needed." I never had healthy sexual experiences, and I never knew why. Compliance was all I knew. It wasn't until about 4 years into our marriage that I realized how traumatic my past was, not because I was broken but because it was wrong. I dismissed so much of it because no one ever hit me, and I always said "ok", or nothing at all. I always believed disassociation, and being stuck in my body was normal. Thank you for this video
Wow. 1:24 and I'm already in tears. I guess this is what I needed to hear today. Thank you ♡ - edit - just to add an answer to your last question - I'm still stuck. What happened to me when I was a child/preteen is still affecting my life today. It took me a lot of processing and introspection to understand how wrong it was what happened. I've spent my entire childhood and adolescence feeling wrong and believing I was nothing worth of love, not even friendship. I avoided as much as I could relationship and every kind of romance because I believed that was the only "kind of sex" i could have expected from it and I was scared as hell to find myself in the same situation. My coping mechanism is a mix of "crush over married people so they're not avaiable and you won' sexually suffer from it" and "you do like them, right? Run away and disappear". I don't quite remember when it started, but it was around 9-11 y.o. and I'm 30 now... It will take time, I know (it took me almost ten years to grow from "nobody cares about me" to "I am worthy of love and people actually love me!", from "I don't wanna have nothing to do with human beings when it comes to sex" to "Well, going out on a date with somebody is not that bad and... there's nothing sexual involved, can you believe it?!") but the more time goes by, the more I get frustrated, 'cause I want an healthy romantic and yeah, even sexual, relationship with someone. I am ready on a conscious level, but not still on a subconscious level... I'm trying my best to be kind with myself accepting and trying to dismantle piece by piece mu coping mechanisms, and remind myself that even if dealing with this stuff is scary and frustrating I'm doing it for myself, and damn right I deserve it. Same goes for all of you who are experiencing all of this, you deserve love and acceptance, you are worthy! But more important than anything you are not responsible for what happened to you. You are not, believe me ♡
My aunt who was abused by her dad knew I went through this with my uncle said to be ready for your 30s because it all starts coming up and it was so true. I have all sorts of bodily responses and flashbacks with any intimacy even solo. It’s frustrating but I haven’t lost hope, I’m taking my body back ❤
:/ hmm. I’m 30. My “abuse” or whatever it was happened when I was 25-27 But I have issues having sex with my husband now. Wich is weird. I used to not feel this way. I’m a Christian too. In the past I had sex with my ex bf all the time and had no issues. The trauma happened after that relationship. But it’s messed me up more than i realized. And I now realize it 😢
One thing that had an amazing effect on me was what I call the cleansing technique. The harassment I experienced left me feeling disgusted and filthy. The cleansing technique is about trying to take that filth away. At one point, years later, I asked myself: what could someone I feel attracted to who actually loved me and cared do to me that would make me feel as if all that filth is being washed away? I came up with very specific behaviour as an answer. Then, I actually explained this to a girlfriend once and she did do this at some point and it was an experience of overwhelming relief and gratitude, which also left me feeling more like myself. I dearly hope this is of use to someone reading this.
I've never been sexually assaulted, but I walk around with that worry in the back of my mind. I'm not really sure how to deal with it, other than to remind myself that I can't predict the future. I've seen what experiencing sexual trauma can do to people. One of my best friends was date raped and it completely changed her personality. She was constantly angry and fearful and developed agoraphobia, which made visiting one another difficult. Over time our relationship got strained. I tried to help her as best I could, but between her suicide attempts, erratic behavior and the fact that it was just hard to actually see her, things kinda fell apart between us. She needed help I couldn't provide. I hope she's doing better, whatever she's up to now.
So so much work to get past all this crap and still find a crack here or there in my foundation that “oh yeah that’s from that too” and growing and moving on. EMDR and talking it out helped me a lot. I found a group that was into these events. They had no idea I was crying writing about it and answering the questions but it helped so much to just talk it all out and not feel like a burden. Anyway, EMDR made the last few pieces fit. A video like this before even just talking about the topic would f me up but today instead I’m a mess because I realized how far I’ve come. You all can too and together we can help end these cycles.
This is the first video I've seen that resonates with me. This month is 9 years since my assault by someone I was dating. I have coped by remaining single ever since. I have not been in a romantic relationship since it happened, telling myself that this will never happen to me again. I feel a combination of safety in my singleness and longing for a safe relationship. I am ready to heal.
i experienced sexual trauma from my father growing up and i think the main thing that keeps me from fully healing is that i still live in the same house and sleep in the same bed. i just recently was able to get rid of the mattress, but it's still too familiar. no matter what i do, he keeps coming back and trying to contact me (always for selfish reasons and trying to buy my silence), even 10 years after he left. my coping mechanisms that keep me safe arent able to go away bc he's always still a threat to me, so im stuck in this loop. hopefully one day i can get to a place where i feel fully safe again.
Thank you for this. ♥️ It personally took me years of therapy to have a healthy sex life again. My 20's were a shit show honestly and I was in and out of therapy because I thought I really didn't need it. I didn't want to hear what my therapists had to say and I wasn't willing to do the work. It took being sucked into an abusive relationship in my late 20's to realize I'm not okay and haven't been okay for a very long time. Now I'm in my 30's and still in therapy working on myself but it's definitely worth it.
Same. Some of them get really uncomfortable and don't want me to talk about it. Some of them say "I know something happened to you" but can't seem to understand unless I lay it all out for them in gory details. Then they pity me. How do I have a partner understand what I went through without having to relive everything all over again?
I was able to develop a healthy sexuality after childhood abuse at the age of 12, it took me way into my 30s. After leaving my last partner who turned out to be a Narcissist, I was badly re-traumatised. I started dissociating when we had (cold, unloving) Sex and I still do now, being married to an amazing, caring and respectful man.
@nayeon_5615 Yes, he knew I was extremely insecure due to childhood trauma and abuse and he triangulated with other women to make me stay and comply. I only realised months after leaving suicidal.
I had some "mild" instance in which my former partner and I experimented with fantasies and he basically described a scenario. And I trusted him. And then he went and basically got jealous over my reactions towards the scenario he himself chose (and hence should have felt comfortable with). And like that we had several more times when things didn't quite work out and he'd basically dump his insecurities onto me. Back then I wasn't experienced enough to handle the situation safely for myself. Though even then, after some reflection I understood that I felt betrayed by him setting a trap to test me, not even considering that fantasy makes it very well possible to imagine him twice. Anyway, that relationship mess taught me a lot. I have built my confidence by taking the time to experience myself and my figuring out my own body, basically. My own preferences, my own boundaries. And now I'm confident about what is OK for me and what is not. How to opt out in whatever way is necessary. Including gentle ways as in "communicating with the partner if there's a problem". I've figured out that I'll want to be working with active consent in my future relationships and have a set of safe words. Which help to give heads-up from "Not sure about this" to "Careful!" to "Stop this instant". Most importantly, if communication doesn't work with the small everyday things, then how is it supposed to work in our vulnerable moments?! I've become self-caring and resilient enough to be well as single and that gives me time to pick slowly as well as to walk away if necessary. I did a lot of the "what's the healthy version?" learning, research and practicing myself. That said, I've also built up the guts to still deal with issues on my hands 😂 and know where to go n call when I'm at loss, stuck or in need of help.
I have all the symptoms of child abuse but no memory and no known opportunity or people in my life I can see might have done it. I can’t be the person I feel others need me to be because I can’t stand to be close to others physically or emotionally. I feel broken.
I weirdly feel that way too. I definitely had sexual abuse in my 20s. But I have often wondered if I was abused as a kid and can’t remember it. 🤷🏻♀️ probably not but it weirds me out to wonder
Foundation been jackhammered to pieces.. thanks for the recognition. I have invasive physical feelings connected with abusive scenarios, made up, and I hate it. It's like being reabused. I'm here looking for a way forward. The judgement thing is so true
thankyou, i mostly dont hate myself these days, massive step forward. it is the bit about value and worth as a person that is so hard to acept, i am an acomplished person, but often only see my failings
Anyone who had “non violent or barely violent r*pe” in their 20’s? I feel like m in can’t call it rape. But it changed me. And it hurt me. And I didn’t want it. And now swx with my husband is uncomfortable. Emotionally.
I've experienced repeated CSA that's really affected me. now at 18, I really wanna take more agency over my body and be intimate like I've wanted to for years. but like you said, when that foundation wasnt there or was jackhammered to pieces, it's hard to know what to start with. I'm hoping this vid helps me and I can start to feel normal :(
thanks for this. i don't quite know how to talk about this beyond very private conversations with ONLY my husband, best friend, or therapist. i wish i knew how to talk about it more openly so that I can help others find hope.
hi! nice vid - and interesting. I had years of therapy, most stuff I think I did hear already. But the core is never leaving even I learned to deal with a lot of the daily symptoms. I suffered especially from flashbacks a lot, it made me nuts, several dozen times a day. They were so bad that I sometimes needed to vomit. I tried meditation, prayers, breathing and awareness exercises but after some days I got used to it and the flashbacks came back.All exercises with sitting still even made it worse ... What finally helped me: speaking English/looking English shows/hearing English audiobooks and so on. German is mother language - I think my English is good, I don't need to translate anything while speaking / I don´t need to think how to express something, but I guess it needs a little bit more "brain space" and it seems to suppress the flashbacks. I looked for a job where I can talk more English, the rest of the day is filled with English youtube videos ;) audiobooks and BBC player. now I can also talk my mother language for days (on holidays e.g.) w/o problems. Best best thing ever! I think this kept me sane :) ok, that was a long text!
I've had such bad dysmorphia that just dressing and cleaning myself could make me feel nauseous. Even clothes that don't fit quite right could rub me the wrong way. Thanks for using inclusive language, since it's so hard for people to understand. Kids can be so ignorant when they say things like "that exam r***d me." I'm still trying to find a good support network. I've heard that when you access a memory, you actually access the last time you accessed the memory. Knowing this, you can slowly reprogram how you approach a memory
Weird. I was R*aped by 3 different people and I still use r*ape as a word to describe bad situations. It’s sick but I think I cope with “dark humor” and cynicism
Thank you for this video! Would love one about emotional abuse as well. I have PTSD from a bad boyfriend. I have a good boyfriend now, but love bombing looks a lot like a nice guy who just loves me and likes to make me happy. I am definitely going to use a lot of the things in this video for my emotional trauma. I can find other videos about recognizing emotional abuse, how to get help, but not a lot about how to navigate a normal relationship when there are so many similarities between emotional abuse and the honeymoon phase. Even when we disagree and someone gets mad, how do I know it's a normal, human error, or the beginning signs of abuse? My good boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years, I think we're happy. But it hasn't been easy for either of us. Love your videos, thank you for the work you do, looking forward to the next one!
I haven’t seen any comments mentioning sexual trauma from a spouse. Most people just assume that sex is supposed to/needs to happen in marriage… but trauma can still result due to coercion.
I have serious sexual trauma. I was assaulted as a teen. It has effected my feelings surrounding my body for over 20 years. I don’t know if I will ever have a healthy relationship
I've recently found myself in a crossroads with this topic. Back story, I have almost zero memories from age 6-10, but I vividly remember things starting about 4 years old and then memories pick back up about 10-11 years old. I have several side effects/ coping mechanism to what I'm told was likely early SA, but I have no memory of it... I can see that it's affected my relationships and that I could benefit from therapy, but I'm concerned that trying to work on those lost memories would only cause more emotional harm. I would definitely be interested in your thoughts...
I had a ton of sexual trauma during a couple years of my 10 year addiction to heroin. I was also raped by 3 men before my addiction. I thought i was going to die that night and my body thrown somewhere in Queens, NY. I was able to have somewhat healthy sexual relationships after that rape in my early 20s bc I knew it wasn't my fault. But during the last few years of addiction i had to sell my body and ever since then i haven't been able to be with anyone at all. I get disgusted at the thought of it because its something i was forced to do to survive and literally its been ten years and I just can't be with anyone in any way. I don't think it will ever be normal again and it's really sad.
I lost my virginity to rape at the age of sixteen. I am a massage therapist- oddly. I help people relieve stress from their body. Still I see that I have a very difficult time with strong emotions of anger, love, passion. I am reading a book on this matter but need to work through some things.
I don’t know how to share this but I’m actually a young man when I was sexually assaulted by an older woman. I was 20 years old while the abuser was 30 years old. I remember 4 of us were workmates, we were just drinking that time and when I was sitting close to the woman which is the abuser, she asked me if she could put her feet on my thigh, so I was like confused and lack of boundaries and just said yes, until when the moment happened that time, the woman sexually assaulted me with her feet. At first I was just freeze and then later triggered. I was really angry during that moment, I know I can slap or punch her but I still didn’t because I was attempting to be like God. I realized that after the mistakes that I’ve made, I’ve learned that if you feel so disappointed and angry when someone sexually assaulted you, don’t be afraid TO DEFEND YOURSELF by slapping or punching the abuser because, it won’t learn from its mistakes by sexually assaulting someone. The woman that sexually assaulted me is same tall as me and looks intimidating because of metallic style.
Oh my God yes I am much older now, but I had an experience a year and a half ago that brought things up again I know how thick a lot of these people are, and how thick it is when your sexuality is ruined I have to stop blaming myself and hating these people on my own and I understand that they were very sick and then I said no and try to just get my boundaries and feel safe and comfortable but it wasn’t the right place for me to be, I feel like I let myself be taken advantage of, yes I better get back to yoga. Thank you so much for your kindness and sharing I can see your sincere and important on your faith how this matters so much to you and the same with me it’s just a horrible thing to have your sexuality damaged when you’re another child like I was behaviours and then in 38 years of recovering from this and still have anxieties and stuff going on God bless you amen. I have to keep doing the work because I want to have a loving relationship with a healthy sexuality and fix like I don’t even care about sex anymore I can see your family people to stay away from it. That’s what I do, I don’t wanna get the hangover that I get after sexual. Just so much thank you for sharing this information.
At 36 I am finally facing my negative image of my sexuality. I've always viewed it as a survival skill. Now I am married 4 years and have no libido even though I am so in love with my husband. I was hypersexual as a result of my abuse but over the past 3 years I am frozen... I want my sex life back. I want to view it as a gift to share with my husband. I have no idea how to go about it though.
This helps me answer some stuff that has been bothering me for a long time. This happened to me as a kid and I have been plagued by relationships where I always feel used, disrespected, and like my main value was my body. When guys push for sex I have a really hard time saying no. I try to explain this to them, because this is my loving boyfriend right? But it never seemed to work. I thought I wasn't good enough at communication. Recently I realized that I communicated but they didn't respect that. So since I didn't say no in the moment they would just push. But this video made me realise that I still have some trauma left over even though I thought I had worked through all that. I still feel like sex is never my idea or my true want; it just happens and afterward I feel terrible and nothing changes.
@@drrocketman7794 It's much more difficult when you're with them than to simply draw a line in the sand like that. Because I can calmly say "I don't want _____" while talking over lunch or something. But once you all hot and heavy kissing and he keeps pushing it becomes harder. I feel like somehow I was taught that guys do that and it's always the responsibility of the woman to say no; so once you cave it's your own fault. Then I'm plagued with self hate and self doubt; in the moment I didn't say no even if I clearly laid out my boundaries before hand. They never physically forced me, just coerced me. Looking back it's so easy to see how toxic those relationships were; but not back then.
For me I wanted to save myself for marriage. I got into a relationship with a guy who was into drugs unknowingly. The guy one day just pulled down my pants and took that from me and it was hard to accept that that happened to me and that it was just taken away from one moment to the next. I didn’t even have the power to say no during that time and it made me feel so dirty. Then more people come into your life and it’s almost like you normalize it so you never want to be seen without clothes. You don’t want them to even look at you for too long. Then when the guy you want to spend your life with comes along and you don’t know how to bring it up… nor how to feel comfortable about the act.
I became more masculine, i started dressing macsuline so no one can harass with their eyes and i feel more powerfull this way but in an unhealthy way. I always make shitpost about it i always joke and laugh but i dont know how to cry when thinking about it. Its like a funny joke to me and i can't feel anything its stuck
I followed my ex to a drug dealer's house just because I was worried about them and thought if they went alone they'd never leave. Soon after he left me alone with that guy and he wanted to slerp with me and stuff like me i didn't want to but i was too scared. My ex just did his drugs snd left the room it was horrible. There was a couple of other things years before too where i felt guilty even though i didn't do anything wrong and never told anybody
Years after I escaped my high school ex, I said a couple of things that still chill me to the bone today: 1) "I get why he did it. I was unreceptive to his feelings, and that must have been so painful..." 2) "I should be grateful he forced me to try [lewd things] out. _I needed to get used to this."_ I believed for the longest time that carnal pleasures must be _soul-affirming, transcendental experiences._ Pleasurable beyond human understanding. Why else would people do such horrible things to experience them? And that led to the belief that if somebody treats me right, I _needed to_ repay them by giving them this transcendental experience. That I would have been inadequate in this, if my ex hadn't forced me to start practicing. Saying no was not an option. Failing to satisfy was not an option. Because the stakes weren't just, 'a bit of fun,' it was, 'Can I make this person feel good enough _to validate their whole existence and bring them closer to God?'_ That's not how I experience these things. The affection that _reaches me_ on a soul level is more like cuddling, looking into each other's eyes. G-rated. Doing anything fleshy actually _takes away_ from the fulfillment I get because it just feels so...mundane. The core of my being is not housed there. These days, I've accepted that I'm asexual, but that was after years of believing 1) that my partners couldn't be bothered trying to please me, and later 2) they were trying, _but I was beyond help and beyond love._ That my abuse had succeeded in breaking me. After a year-long struggle, one of my exes was the one to suggest, 'Maybe this isn't a fault. Maybe this is just who you are, and trying to change it is traumatizing you worse.' After years working to accept my asexuality, I'd say she was right. I thought 'reclaiming my sexuality' meant heterosexuality, not the asexuality I had tried to insist on before that.
Making Love The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically. I hope this might helps you.
@MendedLight I noticed a bunch of replies to comments on here that felt very dodgy and similar from the same guys talking about "making love". I've reported them but I was wondering if you have someone who keeps an eye on the chats for you even after they've been up for a while, because it can be triggering to see some abusive person with their own agenda on this platform. Thanks for your work.
4:35 _”It doesn’t matter if you experienced sexual trauma at five … or 15 … or 55. Like we don’t take that trauma and make it the responsibility of the abuser. For whatever reason that trauma is always internalized … or maybe I’m responsible for that abuse on SOME level. I am here to tell you that is absolutely NOT true. If you have experienced sexual abuse, you absolutely ARE the victim of that perpetrator. That doesn’t mean you are a victim in ALL areas of your life.”_ Wow. It’s already been two months since I watched this video for the first time. I don’t even think I made it to the end. I think I keep stopping at this point in the video. I keep thinking about what to do next, come up with a decision, then get conflicted all over again. *STUCK.*
10:41 Yes. I’ve been doing a lot of movement and mind-body work to guided meditations. This has really calmed my autonomic system down. Then I think, “It wasn’t so bad really.” And maybe I should just let it go, forget about it. Not pursue civil or criminal prosecutions. But then it’s like I’M the only one cleaning up the damage. The perpetrator goes free with no repercussions.
Great info, thank you! One thing though…. It’s “dissociation” (dis-OH-see-ay-shun). There’s no “a” in the beginning. I have a dissociative disorder and it’s hard to hear professionals mispronounce it.
I don’t know if I’m only the male victim here by woman but I’d like to share that even men can be also sexually assaulted by women and get traumatized. I was only 20 years old while the perpetrator is 30 years old. The problem with younger people why they’re being SA or became a victim, it’s because of “trust”.
I love videos like this. My wife of 9 years has cptsd. Her sexuality is nonexistent, I can’t do anything. I can’t touch, kiss, hold certain times and certainly not sex, and when it happens I have to spend the next week feeling like the biggest pos for just loving her. Is there a video anywhere speaking to trauma survivors their partner’s point of view?
Me and my long term boyfriend are dealing with this. I was sexually assaulted at 13 as my first experience around sex. I was hyper sexual for a while, and then as I felt comfortable with my boyfriend it all stopped. Now I cry when we do have sex, and I have tried to tell him over and over he does nothing wrong. I was diagnosed with PTSD and it’s a fear response. I think if she’s in therapy (I am) or trying to help in some way, to be patient, support her, and not pressure your needs. I know that sounds selfish for her, but the lack of pressure can help. If you can’t, you need to tell her and go from there. My boyfriend told me his “patience will run out” and that has sent me through the roof in fear and pressure. Just do what you’re doing supporting, and patient and I know it’s a lot and I feel so guilty for not giving my boyfriend what he needs because I know it’s one of his needs. Just remember, if she could change it instantly she would. It’s what I tell my boyfriend. I don’t want to be this way, but I am and trying to do what I can.
@@savdeb7973 i hope your boyfriend can became more understanding and patience i have always struggled emotionally with my abuse at 6 but thought that was the existent of the issue but become close with someone i like has brought new difficulty for me i hate being touched anyway but a pins and needles stabbed feeling in the back of my head and neck putting me off when my mind is for it and wants to continue its a new issue im not even dating them but we do like each over but my body betrays my mind how to explain to them its a new thing making it more difficult
I never experienced sexual trauma with men, but I'm terrified of the possibility of this happen, even more in a marriage scenario, becouse divorce is not allowed in my religion, so my biggest fear in marriage is to become a sexual slave for the rest of my life.
That's a horrifying thought. For me divorce allowed but looked down on; also I'd rather not. Is there accountability within your religion? Like if something did happen is there someone with authority in your religion you could turn to? Who could then talk to your potential husband and have a social enforcement.
This is broken. The State of Arizona (USA) has a law, that you enter a "covenant marriage" where you cannot divorce. However, even this has "outs." 1. If a partner commits a crime with a lifetime prison sentence, 2. If domestic abuse occurs (I suppose this could include non-consensual and forcible rape). 3. Abandonment. 4. If both partners agree in court proceedings that it absolutely, positively will not work. (One partner is a kind, sweet, compassionate person and the other is an obstinate, overbearing asshole)
You should be aware that being afraid can actually produce a worse outcome in certain contexts. E.g. if a guy is being pushy and you think 'I'm being raped' and freeze up rather than telling him to stop or pushing him away, the likelihood of being raped will go way up. Men want to be treated as human too, and often don't know how to deal with someone freezing while trying to be passionate in the context of a general expectation to 'be dominant' and 'lead'. They often expect you to say stop or communicate a lack of consent if in the middle of being physically intimate. And of course sometimes they will ignore a 'stop' or 'no' or a struggle. But those things can still make it less likely.
Very interesting. First of all I want to share my sorrow for everyone who had such experience in hers/his life that is horrific. Then I thank god it's not me, also I would never sexually abuse any girl. I have done things before with girls I knew, some less good some better but it doesn't matter. The point is it was always willingly the only way it should be. The question is- Why did you afraid of using the word rape during the whole video? I don't think mentioning the word itself, would have made the video harder because the topic itself is already very hard. And obviously this is what you meant. Because any form of doing something sexual unwillingly it's a rape (morally. I know legally it's not while it should be) And I believe some victims of terrible experience like that, rather women/men say to themselves- The hell with willing sex we understand it exist but we don't want that at all.
@@s.taylor2545 Fair enough. I said what I think as a person from the side, who is not familiar to it on personal level. So if I offended you or anyone I didn't mean to.
Generally, people who work in a psychological field such as therapy are very careful and intentional with their choice of words. Rape was likely not used because it is some type of sexual violence, but it is not all types of sexual abuse. People who experience sexual violence may not always have been a victim of rape, but still suffer trauma and require care, support, and treatment. Sexual assault/violence/abuse is less specific than the word rape.
@@sepiajoy2871 I see. Well I didn't mean to sound insensitive to people who been thru such things. I swear that any form of forced sexual activity discuss me. I am not like that and I will never be like that, but I also never been thru something of that sort so I can't fully know only to try and understand.
Help I was abused as kid and my life is not good at all I get flashback all the time and got used all my life im so scared of men thanks for doing this video it's helping me😊
I’m scared if it happening again - it my last relationship he pushed me to do things that I told him I didn’t want to do, and he knew I was previously r*ped. I didn’t realize I was letting it happen again until I stepped back from it. How can I stop this from happening in the future. It’s like I felt I owed him something because he liked me….
The "please and appease" response. Immediately trying to avoid and diffuse the situation through people-pleasing behaviors, usually at the cost of one's identity, needs and boundaries.
Thank you so much! At the moment it is hard to understand that sex can be done out of true love only. I got hurt so much in my life, this statement made me angry a lot before, because I couldn’t understand that. Now I understand, but I just can’t get myself to see it as a true love only thing just yet. I have a lot of fear and so my husband and I are often sad about that…it’s difficult. It is even harder because I react jealous and angry about p*rnographic stuff. I really try my best, but the process is slow. I often fear my husband will get sick of me somewhere in the future because of that and divorce me…I kinda got used to be mostly abstinent and it is not easy to come out of this false safety.
I can’t even have a sexual relationship, I’m here having panic attacks after sex with this guy I used to like for a whole year I feel so horrible and digusting and I just want this feeling to go away.
I was molested by a family member from age 4 to 15, and I didn't get a chance to cope because I didn't realize what it was or what it meant until right before it stopped and when i came out about it, I was shut down, called a liar and even after an examination by a doctor, they said i could just be a whore so it ended up getting dismissed. I was already ostracized in my family but coming out against that family member pushed them to start emotionally and physically abusing me as punishment that they still implement when they see me even though I'm an adult. But because i was actually damaged internally from my trauma, I still to this day don't really feel anything and I have a very hard time with intimacy because it makes me uncomfortable. My husband (who was also molested by a family member) ended up hyper sexual and ended up cheating on me a lot before we got married because he was unsatisfied with my lack of happiness with our intimacy and he needed to feel validated. Caring about me and our kids in general led to him marrying me and he hasnt cheated to my knowledge in years but we are still a bit strained and detached. We stay with each other though because we're terrified of trying to find love out there and getting hurt
What about multiple sexual trauma and everytime you get back up it happens again and sends you straight back down!! Yes that is exactly what goes through your brain, that’s what you resemble sexual too and how do you possibly heal when you are constantly being re traumatised over n over again!!
Sexual trauma is simply created through trains, buses, media, products, marketing and saying no to agressive date askers. Trust is a big word with meaning. Im 1,61 cm, in Berlin. Beautiful. Fit. I just get advantage of stalkers and creeps. To feel save is seldom. Keep the guy or woman you feel protected and cared
"You have no place to go back to because there was never a safe place". Feels so good to hear this truth. I'm 44 and still bear the consequences even after 20 years of seeing therapists. It has so many layers and goes back many generations. Feeling safe and secure is something I'm still learning. Thank you, you're helping us feel understood, acceptable (what a healing keyword!) and clean. One thing that's been really helpful for me is swimming: feeling your own strength at moving through the resistance of water, extending your breath, feeling your body respected and carried by water, and maybe feeling cleaned or purified by water as well...
Hi Antonella, I hope you feel a bit better again now. I'm glad that swimming helps you so much.
I'm responding because of the feeling of cleansing that you experience when swimming.
I experienced the same feeling of filth when someone harassed me once and I came up with what I call the cleansing technique to treat that feeling of filth. I've posted it in a comment above and thought it might benefit you too.
All the very best, Diedert
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him
His name is Fatherabulu, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
He is Fatherabulu has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked he up now online. impressive
When it’s not just one abuser, but multiple throughout your life… that really gets your brain stuck in that mindset of “well it must be something I’m doing that’s making all these people want to hurt me”
Something I’m learning is that yes, it is possible that people who’ve never met each other can abuse you in similar ways. And no, it does not mean you did something to cause it. You were just unlucky enough to cross paths with these people. Correlation does not equal causation.
I’m still learning, but I hope this message helps someone.
THIS. Being able to trust this truth (and letting go of the words of abusers and gaslighters who reinforce the false believe that it was my fault, that I’m out of my mind and am somehow wrong about what happened to me, that no one will ever believe me and that everyone blames me the way they do, etc.) is something I’ve been trying so hard to be able to do. It’s essential for my healing and to have any chance at life. Thank you for your comment. It helps. ❤
Your comment was really helpful. I needed to hear this, thank you.
@@tsmuff you’re not alone. I appreciate her comment & needed to hear it as well. 🙏
Making Love
The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically.I
Same. I’ve had multiple sexual traumas, ive have no self worth, I’m in therapy now and it is helping, but one day at a time. We are not alone.❤️🩹
I definitely disassociated when it happened to me as a child. I'm much better now and it really helped when I distanced myself from family who believed I should just forgive and forget and let the abuser back into the family. Then I was able to take time for me to heal.
I am so sorry for you. Maybe it didn't make a difference for you to hear that, but I want you to know, that many women/girls experience similar situations like you. You are not alone! And you don't need to forgive him ever. It's not your duty or something. You did nothing wrong and you don't need to do anything you don't want to do.
Making Love
The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically.I
I have experienced similar situation you what worse is that image you had of that person I comsodered him my idol n now he is nothing i have so much rage n we live in same and i see him everyday i talked to my mom she disnt believe me she said that you must be dreaming or something . Its been 2 3 years i have never slept safely in my own house
@@RyuShintowhat is wrong with you that you have to keep saying this in multiple comments
@@devarshigaikar8973Hello there, I know its been 4 months since you commented this but I want you to know you're not alone! My mom loves my abuser. I currently live with them both. Whenever i tell her i feel unsafe she just guilt trips me for making her feel bad. I am so sorry you are going through a similar thing but I want you to know I understand how you feel, the isolation, the anger, I know it all too well. I am working hard to leave this place for good. I hope one day you can leave too and heal from this. 🥺💜 Sending you a big hug! Keep your chin up my friend, I'm here with you. 💜
Does anyone else just feel gross? Like any time I think about what happened u just feel disgusting. Like I'm the grossest person in the world bc of what they did. Idk I just feel gross. Like I'm not angry or sad or anything from it Idk I feel weird. Also anxious lmao I feel extremely anxious all the time now.
@@hellothere98765 I’ve tried therapy but I just felt pitied so I kind of prefer talking to people who have had similar experu
Dude yes where do I find videos about this
Yes, I 100% feel that way alot after it happened and still feel gross sometimes from it.
Literally same
I really struggled with anyone looking at me for months afterward. The thought of anyone looking at me and feeling interest or attraction made me feel so disgusted like I needed to hide my body from the entire world. I still feel gross but I was able to accept attraction and interest from people eventually. It's hard, I hope you're doing alright
Hearing you talking about coping mechanisms made me cry. Half in sorrow, half in hope. It is good to acknowledge that those mechanisms are not my enemies. They just don´t serve me anymore. So, thank you for keeping me through all that. But now it´s time to go.
I was traumatized as a six year old, by all the boys in my class on my first day of school. They undreessed my pants and touched me. Maybe they didnt intent to sexually assault me but that was the effect. Thus sex became extremely difficult as an adult. I learned to make love because the intention to have sex created expectations, fear of failure and pressure to perform. Making love is something that I can always do, because i ama loving person. I practiced it with myself and with others and sex became irrelevant. Making love contains sexual elements but also doesn't expect anything. What feels good, i do. I wish you on your journey that you heal. Much Love from around the globe
I really appreciate that you included that all survivors of trauma do NOT process abuse the same way. I was one of those women who responded to childhood sexual abuse by becoming overly sexual because it gave me a sense of control and because of that, i was convinced by many people (my therapist included!) that I hadn't actually experienced trauma because i was not afraid of sex. It took me years to understand that I wasn't a freak because i responded the way that I did and that I used sex as a means of controling people in relationships (not proud of it). Lots of counseling later I'm in a healthy relationship now. I will say also that growing up in a very Christian household that had some pretty extreme beliefs, it wasn't handled in a healthy way by the adults and authority figures in my life. I started to tell my grandmother why i didn't like my step-father and she told me that God wanted me to honor my father and he was the only one I was going to get. I also grew up believing (thanks to the same set of grandparents) that bad things like rape don't happen to good girls because God protects them... they definitely do, and it doesn't have anything to do with being sinful. I'm a Sunday school teacher now and I've used my access with young girls to let them know that bad things DO still happen when you love God, and that just because a grown-up tells you something does NOT mean that it's true.
Making Love
The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically.I
@@RyuShinto@Mended Light I'm reporting this person for having their own agenda and posting this in multiple places
Me too this is very triggering to read accidentally for just trying to read other peoples experiences on their sa @@doublelightangel
Whenever I hear that sex is a way to show love it makes me so angry...when that's never what I've experienced. It just seems like people's selfish desires to me even though I know this isn't true all the time. Sometimes I think that all the things that happened throughout my life didn't affect me but then I look at little behaviors and my reactions to things and realize it actually does.
I haven't gotten help. I actually haven't told anyone that I know IRL. But I hope I get the chance to do these things at some point.
Yeah it feels wrong to me too. For me I felt like my self, who I was, got denied and only physically accepted and that tore me apart emotionally. I'm still working on my recovery.
I feel the same way
Its the same for myself and i often flinch if anyone tries to touch me , if I’m not being asked first .
Through therapy I realized that I was in fact traumatized by my childhood SA. I'd denied it for a long time, became hypersexual as a way to feel like it was MY choice, and if I chose to do it so much then I couldn't be traumatized. After all I'd been in a relationship with a person I love and trust and felt safe with for 12 years (17 now) so what was there to feel traumatized about? But my therapist was able to figure out that I dissociate during sex, and had been doing it for years without realizing it. I just thought that's what it was supposed to be like, after all the abuse was my first experience. I've since learned to be able to have "real" sex, for lack of a better term, that I actually stay present for and experience fully. It's freaking bonkers. But I still think about how deeply such a thing affected my life and for so long. But there is hope, and I'm proud of my progress.
I am so happy that you can say that you’re proud of your progress. I think that something that I tend to struggle with at times, like actually acknowledging how far I’ve come and praising myself for it. I’m so proud of you for being proud of yourself because that truly is such a huge thing that I believe we as survivors forget to take into consideration! Bless you’re soul❤️
I hope to reach a place of healing like that, so far I have gone to therapy but sex is still physically painful for me. Not sure if it will ever stop being painful.
When I Make Love
I had the intention to have sex in the past. It created expectations, pressure and fear that I fail. When you are sexually traumatized like me it is even worse. When I make love on the other side, it is something that I can always do. Even though I am sexually traumatized. Because I am by nature a loving person. Making love includes all sexual elements but it is not limited to that alone. It works like a manual. What feels good, I do. And I practice it with myself and others. Sex becomes irrelevant and I can love myself and others physically.
I have that issue. Single and feeling that I never knew love or good sex.
"At least I'm going to do it on my own terms. " Ive felt so much safer being completely abstinent but only since I've felt safe. Working out and dancing have really helped me even if I have to do it alone.
Making Love
The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically.I
That part about moving your body really struck a chord. While going through therapy to deal with my childhood sexual abuse I started fencing. I was having so much body pain from the anxiety and such and read that fencing was a good exercise to help. The unexpected part was that it was a safe and controlled space in which I could learn to release a lot of my rage through physical exertion.
Fencing is awesome, but dainty, in my experience. They don’t like you to go after your opponent…expressively…on the strip. If you find anger is a thing and fencing is constraining, get someone who will teach you to box.
Making Love
The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically.I
I was sexually assaulted by the guy I was dating for four months. It really came off guard because a lot of my friends liked him and my family didnt want to admit it but they did too. He was aware I was a victim of child abuse and sexual abuse growing up, which made it even more convoluted. I was very vulnerable to him and wanted
to make it work, because he told me I was precious to him.As a survivor of abuse, that meant a lot to me and even drove me to tears.
It really breaks my heart that after years of trying to heal, I open myself up to love again only to find myself being abused yet again. I really want to stop meeting these kinds of people. Im filled with so much bitterness and rage towards men, that sometimes I dont feel anything anymore. I just feel numb. I no longer know which man I want to be mad at. It's so hard to heal and tell yourself it is ok to love again after healing for years, then the person you open your heart to disrespects you with the same selfish behaviour that abusers over the years were to you. I fucking hate it. I just want to be loved gently is that too much to ask.
I think it’s important to take the time to let go of that bitterness over a few years of just taking care of yourself and intentionally making new friends who you select very very carefully. And become an expert at asserting your boundaries throughout that time. I’m feeling what you’re feeling. I’ve been on and off with my boyfriend for about 2 years and these are all of the things I’m focusing on. He is uncertain about me for different (laughable) reasons but i keep him around on my terms. I’m in a weird in between where I want to be single but i want seggs even though i have had such a bad relationship with it for so long. I also just had an abortion 2 weeks ago. The decision was so easy. But it was still traumatic and it made me want to get closer to him???? So in this confusing time I’m just focusing on my boundaries, going to friends instead of him for any problems, and making myself happy
This is what happened to me too, i hope ur doing ok now, or better idk if ok is possible, i dont know that myself too, i just want to give you a hug
I can so feel this … I had a so many traumatic experiences with men and I was recently sexually assaulted by a colleague I work with … I’ve never dealt with anything like this before, I feel like my life will change after this …. I want to heal to move forward but I am simply disgusted by men … All they do is act nice untill they get what they want and they simply either ghost you or treat you like the ultimate piece of shit… I see happy couples and I am afraid now that I ll never have that because of what I ve experienced … Love peace and healing to all…
The first sexual assault happened when I was about 18 months old. I was in the care of a man who I didn't know, for 3 days. He left me alone in his home during the day. He didn't feed me. He force fed me large amounts of liquid medicine and assaulted me every night. By the 3rd night, I didn't try respond to what he was doing. I knew that it was inevitable and I had no way to prevent it.
The first memory that I have of my father assaulting me, was when I was younger than 5 years old. He was verbally and physically violent. He assaulted me regularly until I was about 8 years old. He liked to cut off my airway and look into my eyes while he was hurting me. When I was about 9 years old, a man who I'd never met before, told me that he had something that he wanted to show me and my parents let me go with him. I was returned to my parents in late afternoon. I was in pain and it hurt to walk. My hair was messed up and I'd been crying. The man told my parents that I had been injured while riding a bike. It was a complete lie, but I didn't correct him and my parents took his word for it. When I was 6 years old, my teenage sister lores me out into the woods and assaulted me with force and pain. I told my mother about it as soon as I could get away from her. My mother thought that it was funny. That's when I knew that my sister could do anything that she wanted to me and no one would protect me. She didn't molest me again, but she molested 2 of my brothers regularly. When I was 13 years old, my mother fallowed me into the attic. She asked if she could touch my chest, because hers hadn't been perky for a long time and she wanted to know what it felt like. I didn't feel safe to say no.
When I was old enough to date, I didn't want to have intercourse with anyone. I didn't want to get pregnant. My first college boyfriend raped me. He said that I didn't have a good enough reason to say no. I had a weight training class with him and I had to see multiple times every week. I was studying to become a veterinarian. By the end of the semester, my PTSD was so bad that I couldn't force myself to go to the college campus anymore. I have been assaulted many times since then. The one time that I reported it to the police, the man pled guilty and was sentenced to 3 years of probation. My self harm became so pronounced that I was hospitalized regularly. I lost custody of my 2 year old son. The man who assaulted me, never saw the inside of a jail cell.
I have also been in a lot of relationships where domestic violence was involved. The last dangerous relationship that I was in, inspired me to go to a domestic violence shelter. He is the most dangerous partner I've ever had. I was taught that it was a crime to leave a man, but I wasn't going to let him take my life and I wasn't going to stay loyal to a father who would see my murder as property damage or a mother who would have capitalized on my death for sympathy and attention. I left town with out telling anyone. I cut off contact with everyone I've ever known and started trauma therapy. It took 43 years for me to come to the conclusion that no one was going to save me and the only way that I was going to survive was to become the hero I'd been waiting for.
I am so sorry you went through that. You didn't deserve any of that. The people who did that to you deserve to be in jail forever.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. That's horrible. I hope you find people in your life who love you and respect your boundaries and are people you can trust.
@@suzymoon2067 I think that society needs to recognize that women are not live stock. In 2019, I cut off contact with every person who I've ever known. Being alone used to be my worst nightmare. Here I am by myself and I have never felt less alone. It is better to be by yourself than be with someone who makes you feel alone. It is never too late to start your life. My parents took 43 years of my life from me. I will not be giving them anymore. It is not too late for you either ( starting a new life doesn't necessarily include a intimate partner ) 💚
@@suzymoon2067 Thank you very much. You have a wonderful life as well
Where there is suffering, the spark of love dwells. And the fire is kindled where God enters and spreads.
I wrote this for you because i cannot fathom the suffering you faced. God is in you and I wish you get people who treat you with love. You are good, strong and great. Nothing Is wrong with you.
I was traumatized as a six year old, by all the boys in my class on my first day of school. They undreessed my pants and touched me. Maybe they didnt intent to sexually assault me but that was the effect. Thus sex became extremely difficult as an adult. I learned to make love because the intention to have sex created expectations, fear of failure and pressure to perform. Making love is something that I can always do, because i ama loving person. I practiced it with myself and with others and sex became irrelevant. Making love contains sexual elements but also doesn't expect anything. It became a manual. What feels good, i do. I love you as a person and God made you his strongest soul. ❤
I experienced sexual trauma as a child and again as a married adult. It was so hard to reconnect sexually with my husband, but I did it. There is hope, but I agree that help is required. Being the victim is so stigmatized, there can be alot to dig through ❤
Making Love
The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically.I
This is encouraging
So how did you and your husband reconnect sexually and what were the challenge.
I'm just for some advice here so I learn from your experiences.
You are loved, cared for and believed, and also your BOUNDARIES are valid. People who do not respect your boundaries do not deserve to be around you.
When I Make Love
I had the intention to have sex in the past. It created expectations, pressure and fear that I fail. When you are sexually traumatized like me it is even worse. When I make love on the other side, it is something that I can always do. Even though I am sexually traumatized. Because I am by nature a loving person. Making love includes all sexual elements but it is not limited to that alone. It works like a manual. What feels good, I do. And I practice it with myself and others. Sex becomes irrelevant and I can love myself and others physically.
I was sexually abused as a child. They believed me about the physical abuse but not the sexual. Then had things go on as a teen that I finally said that if all anyone wants is my body then fine. Took me years to get away from that.
1:02 Captures it perfectly. My SA happened between the ages of 5-7. There isn't this magical me before SA. It's the earliest thing I have to work with memory wise and emotionally. However I want to say growing up with SA as a core part of my life and various incongruent bits of therapic support, I have survived through trying to respect myself from what cards I was dealt. I've devoted my art to it and my day job.
I was traumatized as a six year old, by all the boys in my class on my first day of school. They undreessed my pants and touched me. Maybe they didnt intent to sexually assault me but that was the effect. Thus sex became extremely difficult as an adult. I learned to make love because the intention to have sex created expectations, fear of failure and pressure to perform. Making love is something that I can always do, because i ama loving person. I practiced it with myself and with others and sex became irrelevant. Making love contains sexual elements but also doesn't expect anything. What feels good, i do. I wish you on your journey that you heal. Much Love from around the globe
This video came at exactly the right time. I’ve been stressing and getting immensely upset recently over the SA I dealt with at 13. 3 years later I’m still struggling. Thank you.
My heart goes out to you. Sometimes it takes a long time
@@rachelgilbert3164 thank you so much, I truly appreciate that ❤️
That is so sad.
I was 6 (m) when it happened and she was 16.
I'm 43 now and still dealing with the shit.
I am so sorry this happened to you, this sucks. 😢 hang in there.
Just remember, you're not alone and you're never at fault. Big hugs
@@drrocketman7794 thank you very much ❤️
My sexual trauma hasn't been long ago now, I had unhealthy boundaries with my ex after breaking up, we still occasionaly had sex, and for a while that was fine and didn't hurt me. By the time I recognised it, I also had to recognise that he had a hard time taking no for an answer, pouting and sweettalking and not letting the topic rest until I had to shut the door in his face so he would actually leave. He wasn't even asking for sex at that moment, just for me to massage him because he had muscle issues, and I told him we both knew where that would end and I didn't want that. On the day it happened, we had originaly agreed that we wouldn't go there, that he was just going to pick up his mail and leave, but one thing came to another and he stayed longer than I meant him to, the topic came up and eventually I felt pressured. He said something that set me off on flashbacks to previous emotional abuse, and I believe at that point I just caved in and had a freeze response and let it happen. As fallout of that assault I got into a fight with a friend who misunderstood me and thought I just slept with my ex again, and then withdrew from my support system, lost almost all contact to the potential partner I had before, I couldn't reach a therapist, I couldn't tell my family...
It took weeks until I even got the chance to tell my best friend, months to dip my toes back into the friendgroup, even more months to make up with the friend who misunderstood me and just as long to finally accept that it wasn't my fault.
There's still days I feel like my entire world fell apart just because I couldn't say no to my ex. Just because I was vulnerable and fell for something I promised myself I'd never fall for again.
I'm still in the middle of healing. I've got a friend who agreed on friendship with benefits just so I could have someone safe to get intimate with again, I'll hopefully get the chance to tell the potential partner what even happened even if we're probably over now, and I'll look for a therapist again sometime soon. I recognise that I can't do all the healing on my own.
I wanted to say good on you for trying your best to move forward! I experienced something very similar back in 2020 and I’m still dealing with it to this day. I’m proud of u and am together with u as a survivor. Sending love ❤️
I grew up among drunk uncles and my mom was always so afraid of me being hurt. I remember listening that I should be careful around them (I really liked them) and if they did something to me I should tell. I was four years old when I spent the entire Christmas Eve paying attention to the way they were looking and touching me, I was so stressed. My mother's mom used to touch me all the time and had a strange need to see me taking a shower (I was 6/7). My dad would always be mad at my mom because she wasn't sleeping with him (I remember being so confused with why he was always mad). I also grew up hearing jokes about rape. When I was 15 and I started to workout, my grandfather touched me and I remember being ??????????? I never thought I needed to worry about him. Anyway, I love physical contact but I'm terrified of it, kissing and hugging a man it's so scary even if I like them. I never told my mom about her mother and her father because I didn't want to cause trouble. also, I was embarrassed and I was scared to tell my dad because I knew he would be mad at me and possibly laugh (he always made jokes about abuse and women)... Idk, I'm studying to be a therapist right now and studying more about it and talking freely about sex helps a little but it's so hard.
I'm sorry for your suffering. I was traumatized as a six year old, by all the boys in my class on my first day of school. They undreessed my pants and touched me. Maybe they didnt intent to sexually assault me but that was the effect. Thus sex became extremely difficult as an adult. I learned to make love because the intention to have sex created expectations, fear of failure and pressure to perform. Making love is something that I can always do, because i ama loving person. I practiced it with myself and with others and sex became irrelevant. Making love contains sexual elements but also doesn't expect anything. What feels good, i do. I wish you on your journey that you heal. Much Love from around the globe
@@Ryu-v8r I'm so sorry about what you went through but I'm really happy you found the love you wanted to. Thank you so much for you comment♥️
@@Amandasbarros I am an author but I also work in a place for people with mental illnesses. I have Scizophrenia, beside my sexual abusive childhood trauma. And I also survived my suicide attempt last year with luck and help. I was rescued by my mom and two friends. I overdosed because i thought i would lose my partner back then. I went through 6-7 days of deep darkness. Vomitting, sh!tting myself, falling around and breaking things and everything was blacked out. At the end i layed there in my Apartment unconscious. When I was saved, they brought me to a Hospital. I had kidney failure and a sitting and laying trauma. Now a year later my kidney is working again and I can train despite my sitting and laying trauma. I learned to be complete if i really lost my partner. My partner was touched that i would kill myself for her but she of course didnt want me to do it in the first place. I learned to be complete in myself if i really lost her. Which also happened but i treasure the time we had. I write about what I learn, reflect and integrate from my personal experiences to help hundreds of people online. Whether it is suicide, depression, trauma, guilt, fear and other universal elements in our psyche. Because i was helpless in my childhood trauma i help others. I found my task through my trauma. I write Wisdoms, Religious elements, techniques, aphorisms, Philosophies and psychological learnings. I plan to publish my book this year. A psychologist/doctor from a trauma clinic Last year, that I have helped, discovered my Talent in writing and said to me it would be a sin if I didn't use it to help others. Its funny im mentally ill but i help doctors and psychologists. Here in germany mentally ill people are seen as less worthy than those without Mental illness it seems. Anyway I had an intention in writing you. I write in hopes of helping others. Making Love has rescued me and maybe it helps you too. What you connect with these words is all yours and to your wish. I wish you good Fortune on your life and your goals. And thank you for your compassion. Your message helped me through the evening because when you wrote that you are sorry for what i went through i had a Burst of going forward. Little Motivations have big impacts. Now you heard even more of my suffering journey. I just felt free to talk about these things with you because you seem like an open person where i feel safe approaching you. What you went through is severe too. I hope you find your trust in men or the right man or whatever your preference is and I wish you the best from heart. It Was nice speaking to you so were not alone in our suffering. Take care ❤️
@@Amandasbarros and you are welcome 😀
It happened to me a few years ago. I saw myself as a monster because I let it happen despite my constant efforts to say no. I was drunk, I was taken advantage of, and when it was done I tried to make amends with her by saying I just wanted to be friends despite what happened. She didn't speak to me again after that. I felt like I did something wrong, and it was only a year or two ago that I realized what had actually happened. I'm still healing from it, and realizing that it was sexual trauma I experienced opened up that door for me to begin the process of moving forward. This video is so validating to hear. Thank you so much.
It wasn't your fault in the slightest! Taking advantage of a person when they're not in their right state of mind is one of the most coward kinds of abuse, bc the victim is left feeling guilty afterwards but the outcome and the psychological impacts are exactly the same as any other SA. I'm so sorry this happened to you, please know your abuser is 100% in the fault here.
one of the most significant things i have is my husband made me a little corner in the house it has curtains and pillows and blankets and i can retreat there and feel safe
1:09 I’m already crying. This is the first time I’ve heard this. People either treated me like I was a whore (for being abused as a child??), or that I was this broken thing they felt pity for and couldn’t see past my trauma. We just want to hear that we’re not alone, and we’re still loved after what happened. 🤍
For me it was denial. It was happening to me for years by a family member. I denied it and suppressed and refused to think about it. It took me a decade to speak out. I see now that denial kept me sane and positive.
I tried to ‘rebuild’ my foundation in a with a guy who basically viewed me as what he was settling for because he couldn’t get anything he deemed ‘actually worth his time’, to the point he once somewhat complained to me about how he couldn’t go hook up with another woman because he ‘had to be here with me’. Once when I told him I wasn’t just his ‘freebie to get his pleasure met whenever he wanted’ he looked at me and told me ‘yea you are’ and tried to play it off as a joke. I think most stinging of all was that after being intimate, he would tell me all about the other people he wished he could have sex with, and how sad he was he couldn’t. And I just… sat there and took it. I thought it was healthy, that I was ‘lucky’ because… at least some guy was willing to respect my boundaries and consent, as if that wasn’t just the bare minimum after my SA, and it’s effects. Now, in the wake of all that, him no longer around, I’m beginning to realize how fundamentally damaging my sexual experiences have been to me, and accepting that, I honestly don’t have a concept of what intimacy I actually enjoy, that is safe, and healthy, for me, feels like. Like all I’ve known has been settling and trauma. And honestly, it’s left me feeling emptier than I could have imagined.
I wish these teachings were compulsory in schools!
I was born into a family that has generationally never been sharing or openly affectionate so I never felt I could tell anyone without being blamed or shamed for it. I'd been exposed to sexual advances/touch/abuse all through childhood and I physically matured very early. I coped by shutting down emotionally, pretending things were how I wanted, and taking control of my sexuality by being overtly sexual when I was attracted to somebody. It took a very abusive relationship for me to look inwards and see these things had really affected me and were controlling my choices in adulthood. I still have trouble understanding and coping with strong emotions without shutting down but thanks to channels like this I'm learning more each day.
Thank you so much for your insightful help :)
My husband has always been super respectful where any type of intimacy, or sexuality is concerned. He is my first experience with healthy sexuality. 6 months ago my 4 months of therapy ended abruptly. I have been slowly shutting down. Over the weekend we talked. He had been worried he had done something wrong. when he asked why I took so long to speak up, "Honestly, it has taken me this long to give my brain the compassion it needed."
I never had healthy sexual experiences, and I never knew why. Compliance was all I knew. It wasn't until about 4 years into our marriage that I realized how traumatic my past was, not because I was broken but because it was wrong. I dismissed so much of it because no one ever hit me, and I always said "ok", or nothing at all. I always believed disassociation, and being stuck in my body was normal.
Thank you for this video
Wow. 1:24 and I'm already in tears. I guess this is what I needed to hear today. Thank you ♡
- edit - just to add an answer to your last question -
I'm still stuck. What happened to me when I was a child/preteen is still affecting my life today. It took me a lot of processing and introspection to understand how wrong it was what happened. I've spent my entire childhood and adolescence feeling wrong and believing I was nothing worth of love, not even friendship. I avoided as much as I could relationship and every kind of romance because I believed that was the only "kind of sex" i could have expected from it and I was scared as hell to find myself in the same situation. My coping mechanism is a mix of "crush over married people so they're not avaiable and you won' sexually suffer from it" and "you do like them, right? Run away and disappear".
I don't quite remember when it started, but it was around 9-11 y.o. and I'm 30 now... It will take time, I know (it took me almost ten years to grow from "nobody cares about me" to "I am worthy of love and people actually love me!", from "I don't wanna have nothing to do with human beings when it comes to sex" to "Well, going out on a date with somebody is not that bad and... there's nothing sexual involved, can you believe it?!") but the more time goes by, the more I get frustrated, 'cause I want an healthy romantic and yeah, even sexual, relationship with someone. I am ready on a conscious level, but not still on a subconscious level... I'm trying my best to be kind with myself accepting and trying to dismantle piece by piece mu coping mechanisms, and remind myself that even if dealing with this stuff is scary and frustrating I'm doing it for myself, and damn right I deserve it. Same goes for all of you who are experiencing all of this, you deserve love and acceptance, you are worthy! But more important than anything you are not responsible for what happened to you. You are not, believe me ♡
My aunt who was abused by her dad knew I went through this with my uncle said to be ready for your 30s because it all starts coming up and it was so true. I have all sorts of bodily responses and flashbacks with any intimacy even solo. It’s frustrating but I haven’t lost hope, I’m taking my body back ❤
:/ hmm. I’m 30. My “abuse” or whatever it was happened when I was 25-27 But I have issues having sex with my husband now. Wich is weird. I used to not feel this way. I’m a Christian too. In the past I had sex with my ex bf all the time and had no issues. The trauma happened after that relationship. But it’s messed me up more than i realized. And I now realize it 😢
One thing that had an amazing effect on me was what I call the cleansing technique.
The harassment I experienced left me feeling disgusted and filthy. The cleansing technique is about trying to take that filth away.
At one point, years later, I asked myself: what could someone I feel attracted to who actually loved me and cared do to me that would make me feel as if all that filth is being washed away?
I came up with very specific behaviour as an answer.
Then, I actually explained this to a girlfriend once and she did do this at some point and it was an experience of overwhelming relief and gratitude, which also left me feeling more like myself.
I dearly hope this is of use to someone reading this.
I've never been sexually assaulted, but I walk around with that worry in the back of my mind. I'm not really sure how to deal with it, other than to remind myself that I can't predict the future. I've seen what experiencing sexual trauma can do to people. One of my best friends was date raped and it completely changed her personality. She was constantly angry and fearful and developed agoraphobia, which made visiting one another difficult. Over time our relationship got strained. I tried to help her as best I could, but between her suicide attempts, erratic behavior and the fact that it was just hard to actually see her, things kinda fell apart between us. She needed help I couldn't provide. I hope she's doing better, whatever she's up to now.
Had the thought that I would never like sex after my SA at 21. I’m still disgusted just thinking about it
So so much work to get past all this crap and still find a crack here or there in my foundation that “oh yeah that’s from that too” and growing and moving on. EMDR and talking it out helped me a lot. I found a group that was into these events. They had no idea I was crying writing about it and answering the questions but it helped so much to just talk it all out and not feel like a burden. Anyway, EMDR made the last few pieces fit. A video like this before even just talking about the topic would f me up but today instead I’m a mess because I realized how far I’ve come. You all can too and together we can help end these cycles.
This is the first video I've seen that resonates with me. This month is 9 years since my assault by someone I was dating. I have coped by remaining single ever since. I have not been in a romantic relationship since it happened, telling myself that this will never happen to me again. I feel a combination of safety in my singleness and longing for a safe relationship. I am ready to heal.
i experienced sexual trauma from my father growing up and i think the main thing that keeps me from fully healing is that i still live in the same house and sleep in the same bed. i just recently was able to get rid of the mattress, but it's still too familiar. no matter what i do, he keeps coming back and trying to contact me (always for selfish reasons and trying to buy my silence), even 10 years after he left. my coping mechanisms that keep me safe arent able to go away bc he's always still a threat to me, so im stuck in this loop. hopefully one day i can get to a place where i feel fully safe again.
I'm so sorry :( is it possible to switch the room your new mattress is in or repaint or redecorate the area do it feels like a different place? ❤
The end of the fucking world, the movie made a huge impact on me. I recommend 👌
Thank you for this. ♥️ It personally took me years of therapy to have a healthy sex life again. My 20's were a shit show honestly and I was in and out of therapy because I thought I really didn't need it. I didn't want to hear what my therapists had to say and I wasn't willing to do the work. It took being sucked into an abusive relationship in my late 20's to realize I'm not okay and haven't been okay for a very long time.
Now I'm in my 30's and still in therapy working on myself but it's definitely worth it.
Could you do a video on how to talk about such things with a partner? I find it hard explaining myself in such situations…
maybe send them this video? ❤ I'm so sorry
Same. Some of them get really uncomfortable and don't want me to talk about it. Some of them say "I know something happened to you" but can't seem to understand unless I lay it all out for them in gory details. Then they pity me. How do I have a partner understand what I went through without having to relive everything all over again?
I was able to develop a healthy sexuality after childhood abuse at the age of 12, it took me way into my 30s. After leaving my last partner who turned out to be a Narcissist, I was badly re-traumatised. I started dissociating when we had (cold, unloving) Sex and I still do now, being married to an amazing, caring and respectful man.
@nayeon_5615 Yes, he knew I was extremely insecure due to childhood trauma and abuse and he triangulated with other women to make me stay and comply. I only realised months after leaving suicidal.
I had some "mild" instance in which my former partner and I experimented with fantasies and he basically described a scenario. And I trusted him. And then he went and basically got jealous over my reactions towards the scenario he himself chose (and hence should have felt comfortable with).
And like that we had several more times when things didn't quite work out and he'd basically dump his insecurities onto me.
Back then I wasn't experienced enough to handle the situation safely for myself. Though even then, after some reflection I understood that I felt betrayed by him setting a trap to test me, not even considering that fantasy makes it very well possible to imagine him twice.
Anyway, that relationship mess taught me a lot. I have built my confidence by taking the time to experience myself and my figuring out my own body, basically. My own preferences, my own boundaries. And now I'm confident about what is OK for me and what is not. How to opt out in whatever way is necessary. Including gentle ways as in "communicating with the partner if there's a problem". I've figured out that I'll want to be working with active consent in my future relationships and have a set of safe words. Which help to give heads-up from "Not sure about this" to "Careful!" to "Stop this instant".
Most importantly, if communication doesn't work with the small everyday things, then how is it supposed to work in our vulnerable moments?!
I've become self-caring and resilient enough to be well as single and that gives me time to pick slowly as well as to walk away if necessary.
I did a lot of the "what's the healthy version?" learning, research and practicing myself. That said, I've also built up the guts to still deal with issues on my hands 😂 and know where to go n call when I'm at loss, stuck or in need of help.
I have all the symptoms of child abuse but no memory and no known opportunity or people in my life I can see might have done it. I can’t be the person I feel others need me to be because I can’t stand to be close to others physically or emotionally. I feel broken.
I weirdly feel that way too. I definitely had sexual abuse in my 20s. But I have often wondered if I was abused as a kid and can’t remember it. 🤷🏻♀️ probably not but it weirds me out to wonder
Foundation been jackhammered to pieces.. thanks for the recognition. I have invasive physical feelings connected with abusive scenarios, made up, and I hate it. It's like being reabused. I'm here looking for a way forward. The judgement thing is so true
My issue is that i don’t want to make other people feel how I felt, so I never move foward with anything
thankyou, i mostly dont hate myself these days, massive step forward. it is the bit about value and worth as a person that is so hard to acept, i am an acomplished person, but often only see my failings
Anyone who had “non violent or barely violent r*pe” in their 20’s? I feel like m in can’t call it rape. But it changed me. And it hurt me. And I didn’t want it. And now swx with my husband is uncomfortable. Emotionally.
I've experienced repeated CSA that's really affected me. now at 18, I really wanna take more agency over my body and be intimate like I've wanted to for years. but like you said, when that foundation wasnt there or was jackhammered to pieces, it's hard to know what to start with. I'm hoping this vid helps me and I can start to feel normal :(
Thank you for posting this.. I could feel myself process some of my trauma naturally just by listening. Very appreciative
thanks for this. i don't quite know how to talk about this beyond very private conversations with ONLY my husband, best friend, or therapist. i wish i knew how to talk about it more openly so that I can help others find hope.
hi! nice vid - and interesting. I had years of therapy, most stuff I think I did hear already. But the core is never leaving even I learned to deal with a lot of the daily symptoms. I suffered especially from flashbacks a lot, it made me nuts, several dozen times a day. They were so bad that I sometimes needed to vomit. I tried meditation, prayers, breathing and awareness exercises but after some days I got used to it and the flashbacks came back.All exercises with sitting still even made it worse ...
What finally helped me: speaking English/looking English shows/hearing English audiobooks and so on. German is mother language - I think my English is good, I don't need to translate anything while speaking / I don´t need to think how to express something, but I guess it needs a little bit more "brain space" and it seems to suppress the flashbacks. I looked for a job where I can talk more English, the rest of the day is filled with English youtube videos ;) audiobooks and BBC player. now I can also talk my mother language for days (on holidays e.g.) w/o problems. Best best thing ever! I think this kept me sane :) ok, that was a long text!
I even hesitate to label what I experienced as sexual trauma. It could be that I am still in denial
I've had such bad dysmorphia that just dressing and cleaning myself could make me feel nauseous. Even clothes that don't fit quite right could rub me the wrong way. Thanks for using inclusive language, since it's so hard for people to understand. Kids can be so ignorant when they say things like "that exam r***d me." I'm still trying to find a good support network. I've heard that when you access a memory, you actually access the last time you accessed the memory. Knowing this, you can slowly reprogram how you approach a memory
Weird. I was R*aped by 3 different people and I still use r*ape as a word to describe bad situations. It’s sick but I think I cope with “dark humor” and cynicism
Thank you for this video! Would love one about emotional abuse as well. I have PTSD from a bad boyfriend. I have a good boyfriend now, but love bombing looks a lot like a nice guy who just loves me and likes to make me happy. I am definitely going to use a lot of the things in this video for my emotional trauma. I can find other videos about recognizing emotional abuse, how to get help, but not a lot about how to navigate a normal relationship when there are so many similarities between emotional abuse and the honeymoon phase. Even when we disagree and someone gets mad, how do I know it's a normal, human error, or the beginning signs of abuse? My good boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years, I think we're happy. But it hasn't been easy for either of us. Love your videos, thank you for the work you do, looking forward to the next one!
I haven’t seen any comments mentioning sexual trauma from a spouse. Most people just assume that sex is supposed to/needs to happen in marriage… but trauma can still result due to coercion.
I have serious sexual trauma. I was assaulted as a teen. It has effected my feelings surrounding my body for over 20 years. I don’t know if I will ever have a healthy relationship
I've recently found myself in a crossroads with this topic. Back story, I have almost zero memories from age 6-10, but I vividly remember things starting about 4 years old and then memories pick back up about 10-11 years old. I have several side effects/ coping mechanism to what I'm told was likely early SA, but I have no memory of it... I can see that it's affected my relationships and that I could benefit from therapy, but I'm concerned that trying to work on those lost memories would only cause more emotional harm. I would definitely be interested in your thoughts...
I had a ton of sexual trauma during a couple years of my 10 year addiction to heroin. I was also raped by 3 men before my addiction. I thought i was going to die that night and my body thrown somewhere in Queens, NY. I was able to have somewhat healthy sexual relationships after that rape in my early 20s bc I knew it wasn't my fault. But during the last few years of addiction i had to sell my body and ever since then i haven't been able to be with anyone at all. I get disgusted at the thought of it because its something i was forced to do to survive and literally its been ten years and I just can't be with anyone in any way. I don't think it will ever be normal again and it's really sad.
I lost my virginity to rape at the age of sixteen. I am a massage therapist- oddly. I help people relieve stress from their body. Still I see that I have a very difficult time with strong emotions of anger, love, passion. I am reading a book on this matter but need to work through some things.
I don’t know how to share this but I’m actually a young man when I was sexually assaulted by an older woman. I was 20 years old while the abuser was 30 years old. I remember 4 of us were workmates, we were just drinking that time and when I was sitting close to the woman which is the abuser, she asked me if she could put her feet on my thigh, so I was like confused and lack of boundaries and just said yes, until when the moment happened that time, the woman sexually assaulted me with her feet. At first I was just freeze and then later triggered. I was really angry during that moment, I know I can slap or punch her but I still didn’t because I was attempting to be like God.
I realized that after the mistakes that I’ve made, I’ve learned that if you feel so disappointed and angry when someone sexually assaulted you, don’t be afraid TO DEFEND YOURSELF by slapping or punching the abuser because, it won’t learn from its mistakes by sexually assaulting someone.
The woman that sexually assaulted me is same tall as me and looks intimidating because of metallic style.
Oh my God yes
I am much older now, but I had an experience a year and a half ago that brought things up again I know how thick a lot of these people are, and how thick it is when your sexuality is ruined I have to stop blaming myself and hating these people on my own and I understand that they were very sick and then I said no and try to just get my boundaries and feel safe and comfortable but it wasn’t the right place for me to be, I feel like I let myself be taken advantage of, yes I better get back to yoga. Thank you so much for your kindness and sharing I can see your sincere and important on your faith how this matters so much to you and the same with me it’s just a horrible thing to have your sexuality damaged when you’re another child like I was behaviours and then in 38 years
of recovering from this and still have anxieties and stuff going on God bless you amen. I have to keep doing the work because I want to have a loving relationship with a healthy sexuality and fix like I don’t even care about sex anymore I can see your family people to stay away from it. That’s what I do, I don’t wanna get the hangover that I get after sexual. Just so much thank you for sharing this information.
Gotta keep hanging around empowered people. 👍🏻
At 36 I am finally facing my negative image of my sexuality. I've always viewed it as a survival skill. Now I am married 4 years and have no libido even though I am so in love with my husband. I was hypersexual as a result of my abuse but over the past 3 years I am frozen... I want my sex life back. I want to view it as a gift to share with my husband. I have no idea how to go about it though.
Oh my I am crying watching this.
This helps me answer some stuff that has been bothering me for a long time. This happened to me as a kid and I have been plagued by relationships where I always feel used, disrespected, and like my main value was my body. When guys push for sex I have a really hard time saying no. I try to explain this to them, because this is my loving boyfriend right? But it never seemed to work. I thought I wasn't good enough at communication. Recently I realized that I communicated but they didn't respect that. So since I didn't say no in the moment they would just push. But this video made me realise that I still have some trauma left over even though I thought I had worked through all that. I still feel like sex is never my idea or my true want; it just happens and afterward I feel terrible and nothing changes.
They push, you object, they repeat themselves, you shut up…the dynamic goes something like that?
@@tinad8561 pretty much. It always starts somewhere okay, like kissing. But keeps going.
If they don't respond to NO, then get rid of them. Immediately. And don't take them back.
@@ebunni5862 been there, and I’ve caved too. One day I’ll figure out how to channel my inner misandrist in a timely manner…
@@drrocketman7794 It's much more difficult when you're with them than to simply draw a line in the sand like that. Because I can calmly say "I don't want _____" while talking over lunch or something. But once you all hot and heavy kissing and he keeps pushing it becomes harder. I feel like somehow I was taught that guys do that and it's always the responsibility of the woman to say no; so once you cave it's your own fault. Then I'm plagued with self hate and self doubt; in the moment I didn't say no even if I clearly laid out my boundaries before hand. They never physically forced me, just coerced me.
Looking back it's so easy to see how toxic those relationships were; but not back then.
For me I wanted to save myself for marriage. I got into a relationship with a guy who was into drugs unknowingly. The guy one day just pulled down my pants and took that from me and it was hard to accept that that happened to me and that it was just taken away from one moment to the next.
I didn’t even have the power to say no during that time and it made me feel so dirty. Then more people come into your life and it’s almost like you normalize it so you never want to be seen without clothes. You don’t want them to even look at you for too long. Then when the guy you want to spend your life with comes along and you don’t know how to bring it up… nor how to feel comfortable about the act.
I became more masculine, i started dressing macsuline so no one can harass with their eyes and i feel more powerfull this way but in an unhealthy way. I always make shitpost about it i always joke and laugh but i dont know how to cry when thinking about it. Its like a funny joke to me and i can't feel anything its stuck
omg omg thank you for your intro having nothing to go back to. thank you
I followed my ex to a drug dealer's house just because I was worried about them and thought if they went alone they'd never leave. Soon after he left me alone with that guy and he wanted to slerp with me and stuff like me i didn't want to but i was too scared. My ex just did his drugs snd left the room it was horrible. There was a couple of other things years before too where i felt guilty even though i didn't do anything wrong and never told anybody
love this, one of the best and most helpful videos i’ve seen; i might even watch it again i felt so much insight from watching it :)
Years after I escaped my high school ex, I said a couple of things that still chill me to the bone today:
1) "I get why he did it. I was unreceptive to his feelings, and that must have been so painful..."
2) "I should be grateful he forced me to try [lewd things] out. _I needed to get used to this."_
I believed for the longest time that carnal pleasures must be _soul-affirming, transcendental experiences._ Pleasurable beyond human understanding. Why else would people do such horrible things to experience them? And that led to the belief that if somebody treats me right, I _needed to_ repay them by giving them this transcendental experience. That I would have been inadequate in this, if my ex hadn't forced me to start practicing.
Saying no was not an option. Failing to satisfy was not an option. Because the stakes weren't just, 'a bit of fun,' it was, 'Can I make this person feel good enough _to validate their whole existence and bring them closer to God?'_
That's not how I experience these things. The affection that _reaches me_ on a soul level is more like cuddling, looking into each other's eyes. G-rated. Doing anything fleshy actually _takes away_ from the fulfillment I get because it just feels so...mundane. The core of my being is not housed there.
These days, I've accepted that I'm asexual, but that was after years of believing 1) that my partners couldn't be bothered trying to please me, and later 2) they were trying, _but I was beyond help and beyond love._ That my abuse had succeeded in breaking me. After a year-long struggle, one of my exes was the one to suggest, 'Maybe this isn't a fault. Maybe this is just who you are, and trying to change it is traumatizing you worse.'
After years working to accept my asexuality, I'd say she was right. I thought 'reclaiming my sexuality' meant heterosexuality, not the asexuality I had tried to insist on before that.
May it be that you took an antidepressant and became asexual as a consequence?
Making Love
The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform, and fear of failure. If you have been sexually traumatized, it is even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being, at any time, can do. Even sexually traumatized people can do it, if they are by nature, loving people. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. What is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and one can love oneself and others physically. I hope this might helps you.
@MendedLight I noticed a bunch of replies to comments on here that felt very dodgy and similar from the same guys talking about "making love". I've reported them but I was wondering if you have someone who keeps an eye on the chats for you even after they've been up for a while, because it can be triggering to see some abusive person with their own agenda on this platform. Thanks for your work.
Thank you for this,very helpful for me.
thank you so much for these videos. I can't afford to get therapy and the videos have been very good for my inner self.
this is super relevant. I’m now trying to make peace with my coping mechanisms to be healthier… any tips?
4:35 _”It doesn’t matter if you experienced sexual trauma at five … or 15 … or 55. Like we don’t take that trauma and make it the responsibility of the abuser. For whatever reason that trauma is always internalized … or maybe I’m responsible for that abuse on SOME level. I am here to tell you that is absolutely NOT true. If you have experienced sexual abuse, you absolutely ARE the victim of that perpetrator. That doesn’t mean you are a victim in ALL areas of your life.”_
Wow. It’s already been two months since I watched this video for the first time. I don’t even think I made it to the end. I think I keep stopping at this point in the video.
I keep thinking about what to do next, come up with a decision, then get conflicted all over again.
*STUCK.*
10:41 Yes. I’ve been doing a lot of movement and mind-body work to guided meditations. This has really calmed my autonomic system down.
Then I think, “It wasn’t so bad really.” And maybe I should just let it go, forget about it. Not pursue civil or criminal prosecutions. But then it’s like I’M the only one cleaning up the damage. The perpetrator goes free with no repercussions.
Great info, thank you! One thing though…. It’s “dissociation” (dis-OH-see-ay-shun). There’s no “a” in the beginning. I have a dissociative disorder and it’s hard to hear professionals mispronounce it.
Side note, you’re incredibly lovely
Thank you for this video it's really made me relieved from the trauma ❤
You're so welcome!
She said the truth
Thank you for this video ❤️
I don’t know if I’m only the male victim here by woman but I’d like to share that even men can be also sexually assaulted by women and get traumatized. I was only 20 years old while the perpetrator is 30 years old. The problem with younger people why they’re being SA or became a victim, it’s because of “trust”.
I love videos like this. My wife of 9 years has cptsd. Her sexuality is nonexistent, I can’t do anything. I can’t touch, kiss, hold certain times and certainly not sex, and when it happens I have to spend the next week feeling like the biggest pos for just loving her. Is there a video anywhere speaking to trauma survivors their partner’s point of view?
Me and my long term boyfriend are dealing with this. I was sexually assaulted at 13 as my first experience around sex. I was hyper sexual for a while, and then as I felt comfortable with my boyfriend it all stopped. Now I cry when we do have sex, and I have tried to tell him over and over he does nothing wrong. I was diagnosed with PTSD and it’s a fear response. I think if she’s in therapy (I am) or trying to help in some way, to be patient, support her, and not pressure your needs. I know that sounds selfish for her, but the lack of pressure can help. If you can’t, you need to tell her and go from there. My boyfriend told me his “patience will run out” and that has sent me through the roof in fear and pressure. Just do what you’re doing supporting, and patient and I know it’s a lot and I feel so guilty for not giving my boyfriend what he needs because I know it’s one of his needs. Just remember, if she could change it instantly she would. It’s what I tell my boyfriend. I don’t want to be this way, but I am and trying to do what I can.
@@savdeb7973 i hope your boyfriend can became more understanding and patience i have always struggled emotionally with my abuse at 6 but thought that was the existent of the issue but become close with someone i like has brought new difficulty for me i hate being touched anyway but a pins and needles stabbed feeling in the back of my head and neck putting me off when my mind is for it and wants to continue its a new issue im not even dating them but we do like each over but my body betrays my mind how to explain to them its a new thing making it more difficult
Thank you for this
How do I turn off my coping mechanism to disassociate when I’m in a loving relationship?
I never experienced sexual trauma with men, but I'm terrified of the possibility of this happen, even more in a marriage scenario, becouse divorce is not allowed in my religion, so my biggest fear in marriage is to become a sexual slave for the rest of my life.
That's a horrifying thought. For me divorce allowed but looked down on; also I'd rather not. Is there accountability within your religion? Like if something did happen is there someone with authority in your religion you could turn to? Who could then talk to your potential husband and have a social enforcement.
This is broken.
The State of Arizona (USA) has a law, that you enter a "covenant marriage" where you cannot divorce.
However, even this has "outs."
1. If a partner commits a crime with a lifetime prison sentence,
2. If domestic abuse occurs (I suppose this could include non-consensual and forcible rape).
3. Abandonment.
4. If both partners agree in court proceedings that it absolutely, positively will not work. (One partner is a kind, sweet, compassionate person and the other is an obstinate, overbearing asshole)
You should be aware that being afraid can actually produce a worse outcome in certain contexts.
E.g. if a guy is being pushy and you think 'I'm being raped' and freeze up rather than telling him to stop or pushing him away, the likelihood of being raped will go way up. Men want to be treated as human too, and often don't know how to deal with someone freezing while trying to be passionate in the context of a general expectation to 'be dominant' and 'lead'. They often expect you to say stop or communicate a lack of consent if in the middle of being physically intimate.
And of course sometimes they will ignore a 'stop' or 'no' or a struggle. But those things can still make it less likely.
Very interesting. First of all I want to share my sorrow for everyone who had such experience in hers/his life that is horrific. Then I thank god it's not me, also I would never sexually abuse any girl. I have done things before with girls I knew, some less good some better but it doesn't matter. The point is it was always willingly the only way it should be. The question is- Why did you afraid of using the word rape during the whole video? I don't think mentioning the word itself, would have made the video harder because the topic itself is already very hard. And obviously this is what you meant. Because any form of doing something sexual unwillingly it's a rape (morally. I know legally it's not while it should be) And I believe some victims of terrible experience like that, rather women/men say to themselves- The hell with willing sex we understand it exist but we don't want that at all.
@@s.taylor2545 Fair enough. I said what I think as a person from the side, who is not familiar to it on personal level. So if I offended you or anyone I didn't mean to.
Generally, people who work in a psychological field such as therapy are very careful and intentional with their choice of words. Rape was likely not used because it is some type of sexual violence, but it is not all types of sexual abuse. People who experience sexual violence may not always have been a victim of rape, but still suffer trauma and require care, support, and treatment. Sexual assault/violence/abuse is less specific than the word rape.
@@sepiajoy2871 I see. Well I didn't mean to sound insensitive to people who been thru such things. I swear that any form of forced sexual activity discuss me. I am not like that and I will never be like that, but I also never been thru something of that sort so I can't fully know only to try and understand.
Good video. Stuck is an uncomfortable idea though.
thank you so much.
Fantastic content Alicia
Help I was abused as kid and my life is not good at all I get flashback all the time and got used all my life im so scared of men thanks for doing this video it's helping me😊
I don't wanna deal with it. I never feel better after thinking about it. It's affecting my relationship though
thank you.
I’m scared if it happening again - it my last relationship he pushed me to do things that I told him I didn’t want to do, and he knew I was previously r*ped. I didn’t realize I was letting it happen again until I stepped back from it.
How can I stop this from happening in the future. It’s like I felt I owed him something because he liked me….
Fight, flight, freeze, …. Fawn?
The "please and appease" response. Immediately trying to avoid and diffuse the situation through people-pleasing behaviors, usually at the cost of one's identity, needs and boundaries.
Thank you so much! At the moment it is hard to understand that sex can be done out of true love only. I got hurt so much in my life, this statement made me angry a lot before, because I couldn’t understand that. Now I understand, but I just can’t get myself to see it as a true love only thing just yet. I have a lot of fear and so my husband and I are often sad about that…it’s difficult. It is even harder because I react jealous and angry about p*rnographic stuff. I really try my best, but the process is slow. I often fear my husband will get sick of me somewhere in the future because of that and divorce me…I kinda got used to be mostly abstinent and it is not easy to come out of this false safety.
Thank you
How do you set boundaries, when your abuser is at family events
I can’t even have a sexual relationship, I’m here having panic attacks after sex with this guy I used to like for a whole year I feel so horrible and digusting and I just want this feeling to go away.
WOW 😮 You look like Kristen Stewart!
I was molested by a family member from age 4 to 15, and I didn't get a chance to cope because I didn't realize what it was or what it meant until right before it stopped and when i came out about it, I was shut down, called a liar and even after an examination by a doctor, they said i could just be a whore so it ended up getting dismissed. I was already ostracized in my family but coming out against that family member pushed them to start emotionally and physically abusing me as punishment that they still implement when they see me even though I'm an adult. But because i was actually damaged internally from my trauma, I still to this day don't really feel anything and I have a very hard time with intimacy because it makes me uncomfortable. My husband (who was also molested by a family member) ended up hyper sexual and ended up cheating on me a lot before we got married because he was unsatisfied with my lack of happiness with our intimacy and he needed to feel validated. Caring about me and our kids in general led to him marrying me and he hasnt cheated to my knowledge in years but we are still a bit strained and detached. We stay with each other though because we're terrified of trying to find love out there and getting hurt
Who am I supposed to be was always the question 1:15
What about multiple sexual trauma and everytime you get back up it happens again and sends you straight back down!! Yes that is exactly what goes through your brain, that’s what you resemble sexual too and how do you possibly heal when you are constantly being re traumatised over n over again!!
Sexual trauma is simply created through trains, buses, media, products, marketing and saying no to agressive date askers. Trust is a big word with meaning.
Im 1,61 cm, in Berlin. Beautiful. Fit. I just get advantage of stalkers and creeps. To feel save is seldom.
Keep the guy or woman you feel protected and cared