Woman with DID here... I can attest to everything said in this video. It took me more than three years to feel not only safe but emotionally secure with my trauma therapist but after I did a lot started to change. Physical touch (always consensual for sure) in session started to calm me down, regulate me and help me get out of dissociative states without having lots of difficult symptoms and feelings afterwards. I'm now able to be present in my body without dissociating when my therapist hugs me which is huge for me because it (meaning my body) normally feels like a crime scene to me. I start to see healthy traits I experienced for the first time in my life inside the corrective therapeutic relationship in other men and also start to notice early signs of controlling traits and pull away. I still don't feel safe in the world but I'm aware of the absence of threat more and more. I can differentiate a lot better and tolerate conflict without loosing the connection to the other person. Setting boundaries and communicating needs don't seem to be a perceived treat for relationships as much as they were and I had numerous positive experiences with people being willing to respect my needs or boundaries after I communicated them. Didn't seem to be a big deal for them but it sure was for me. Also huge for me to see that it is okay to be someone and not having to always mold into what I think the other person wants me to be right now. Also lead to the end of a lot of relationships (family, friends, acquaintances) because I realized there isn't even a base for anything interpersonal there. It's still a long way to go and I'm not actively looking for an intimate partner right now because it's way too early but I'm positive that I'll be able to be a healthy partner for the most part one day. I always thought sex is just violent, painful and degrading but listening to securely attached people talking about what sex really is like made me realize it's not even similar to what I know. Like I've learned the wrong noun. It makes me think sex isn't that scary and actually sounds like something I could enjoy one day.
@@dianatalida The one I'm currently doing is mostly relational with somatic and systemic aspects woven into it. We sometimes also do small doses of parts work but it's not my cup of tea because I like to think more unifying instead of dividing. A lot of people seem to benefit from it tough.
may I contact you? my gf has had a similar experience and I would like to understand the view of the other side, after watching these videos it just started to make sense why she acted the way she did
@@bugbean5500I see the point of IFS to be bringing all the parts together eventually..becoming one. The model does not support this however. I think that is my ultimate goal in parts work. To identify my parts..listen..understand...then unify all of them into ONE self..me ❤
This hit really deep. This is what being with my last partner was like. One of the part which I observed in that relationship and with other sexually traumatised individuals is that they respond to their partner's sexual boundaries often with frustration and sometimes even anger. They idealise their own lack of boundaries as love and kindness. Therefore any boundary you present is understood as a rejection, as well as a break of the covert contract they've made in their head, "if I don't have any boundaries with you, you shouldn't have any with me!" Their defense mechanisms are so deeply engrained that they respond to boundaries with repulsion, often punitively. In doing so, their sexual victimisation is passed on to their partner.
" thank you for withstanding the pain and letting me have orgasm. I love you so much" they expect your total sacrifice cause then they feel loved. If you put boundaries, they shame you and say you are boring and you are selfish, cause they would do anything in sex for you. They cannot feel your humiliation, cause they have denied their own humiliation and live this way all their life
Almost poetic. This perfectly describes what I went through in my relationship with a borderline. I had boundaries around physical intimacy, she saw it all as rejection and would break things in the house when said boundaries were imposed. Later on I found out she was sleeping with various men 20+ years older because they loved her lack of boundaries and therefore "loved her." I was seen as an unloving monster the healthier I was, and these men were worshiped.
Sexually addicted narcissist is master in making his partner feeling guilty. " If you gave me a blow job 3 times a day there would be no problems in our relationship". No matter how much the parther abandons herself to give pleasure to the narc, he will discard her in an unimaginwbly brutal way. Giving absolutely no validation to the parther feelings, narcissist is surprised that the partner, when getting out of cognitive dissonance is going to be murderously furious... she'll call her crazy and his mummy will say that the partner refused to fulfill the BASIC NEEDS of her beloved son...
I found this interesting. I have no visual memories of abuse but there was a time I fell in love and went crazy! I just couldn’t ever feel safe in the relationship. After I broke up with him, I am convinced memories came from the subconscious to the conscious. My feelings and inner experiences did not match my outside reality. I experienced sheer terror, insane rage and inconsolable sorrow/grief. Nothing in my life should have evoked such a response. I felt a war within between good and bad and I said those same words, “ Do whatever you want to me but I belong to God!” It felt like evil was trying to take my soul and I even describe my experience as being “soul rape.” I felt like two people. One was suffering and the other was watching and observing. I had such severe abandonment and self rejection. I felt condemned to Hell. I have never found anyone who could relate.
I hace had an extremely similar experience!! The first time I got into a real relationship, I experienced debilitating, persistent, intrusive feelings of dread, rage, despair, guilt, etc, that had nothing to do with my actual relationship or life circumstances. Having a romantic partner was too much for me and I had to break up with him. Over the next three months I went through an excruciating process of repressed memory recovery (without a therapist). Turns out I’ve been living with DID since I was 5 years old and never understood it. I also relate to the feeling of feeling like I was being assaulted on a spiritual level. I felt like I was in “the valley of the shadow of death” and I would repeat Psalm 23 over and over to cope with it. You are not alone, I hear you and I relate♥️
I soaked up every word of you. I can completely relate. Thanks for describing things I couldn't even find words for. I'm married to a very loving man but all my abuse memories came back after being married and I can't have any more intimacy with him. I feel this constant war inside of me between good and evil. Between lies and truth about me. Its hard to recognise that all this shame and guilt and self-hatred are lies that try to kill my soul. I feel powerless to break free from these lies imprinted in my heart with poison. I only find comfort in the victory of Jesus Christ. "And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross" Col 2,15 I'm learning that His victory can become my victory and by grace I receive peace for my tortured soul.
It’s crazy, I was sexually abused as a young child, I went on into my adult life to be hyper sexualised throughout my teenage years. I then went onto have two children- my first when I was only 16 this gave me focus, grounded me and saved me for sure! I put all of my abuse in a box and never thought about it ever! Like it never existed or was normal! I never even spoke about it! Now at 41 with two grown up children it has all suddenly come to light. I have always attracted very unavailable partners , and those on the spectrum… due to my own cptsd among other traits too I realised after a mass loss of self during a relationship with a person with a personality disorder 4 years ago this awoke all my trauma made me look inside, patterns, maladaptive patterns a now huge anxiety! Have I been wearing a mask all of my life? It’s huge! Loss of old self I had built to protect me…. So now I am having to re parent myself… and finally grieving a childhood i thought was ‘normal’! ❤ thank you xxx
@@lornaelizabeth6290 wow I so resonate with most of your story...I had to remove the make believe fantasy mask 3 years ago. It was painful. I'm 60 and creating a new woman. ❤
I was molested by a doctor when I was little. The description of the lack of boundaries was spot on. I've done things in the past that I wasn't completely comfortable with but didn't think I was worth speaking up for myself so I just zoned out. I don't like to be touched very much in general, even people giving me hugs etc but especially by people with other intentions because it feels a bit creepy. I do link sex with relationships and intimacy. I started working on these things a while ago because as I get older I realise that this is dysfunctional and I do want an intimate relationship. (My last relationship was with a malignant narc and he was cold as ice and robot like. His lack of touch, hugs & kisses etc was mostly okay with me, I didn't mind that, it was more the absence of emotional intimacy that I really struggled with)
My husband has been sexually abused as a child, has bpd and has a lot of heavy narcissistic traits and is abusive. This helps me understand his behaviors a lot more. It's interesting to look back at awkward and confusing sexual moments and realize this is what was going on with him the whole time. Thanks for this insightful video. Very helpful
I’m 53 and during my entire childhood up until the age of adolescence I was abused by my older brother. The abuse was sexual, emotional and physical. His sexual game was “Simon Says”. I’ve been married for 26 years and what you describe is 100% accurate. My husband is controlling and for many years our sexual relationship consisted of me basically “servicing” him. I have no idea how many years it’s been since I had intercourse but I finally started to come to terms with my abuse and in trying to crawl out from under the effects of the abuse, I now find I absolutely cringe -literally and visibly - if my husband tries to touch me. It makes me want to scream. I agree with everything you’ve said in your video but wish I understood how to move past it.
@@majeszczak it feels like torture. I cringe. I brace myself. I want to scream “leave me alone”. As I type this I’m questioning why I feel a need to explain how it makes me feel.
@@majeszczak The Oxford dictionary defines cringe the same way I do “bend one's head and body in fear or in a servile manner.” And it would nice if it were as easy as simply making, as you suggest, the “choice” not to feel that way.
@@annemarie6518 I hear every word you say and I believe you. Nobody walks in your shoes and has no right question you. Thank you for sharing. Believe you. Believe yourself. Best wishes in healing. 🙏🌷💕
I feel bad about the weirdo who jumped on your thread. I feel bad that he made you feel like you had to explain yourself to him. Sister, stay strong and believe in yourself. You can give yourself permission to block 🚫 the weird ones and not let them affect your mood. "I honestly don't care how you define cringe. I define it the way I want and you can go get lost" is a good enough reply to people like this.
@@majeszczak Your comment is ridiculous. One can cringe and screech and scream too. You should have premised your comment since you felt the need to criticize the original writer with an opener stating ...for myself.... The opinion you express is not an observation based on any objective criteria, but merely your own response ss you indicated . By not doing so you basically called the writer a liar....whether you meant to or not.
I was abused as a child in a number of ways, but the sexual abuse led me down a bad path that saw me taking hard drugs, drinking and doing other things I deeply regret. I'm now 31 and have healed a lot through therapy, but I still feel so ashamed of how I veered off the path... so much so it causes me a lot of agony and heartache today. please pray for me... ❤❤
I will pray for your mental, physical and spiritual healing and peace. There is good in the world. Jesus loves you and has a plan for you. God bless you.
Thank you. This makes so much sense. I am 46 and have been struggling for years it's been the last 5 years I've stayed single and concentrating on my emotional literacy, boundaries, and work on myself. I was sexually abused by 2 different men as a child and was in an abusive relationship for 11 years as a young adult. Then I had to children to raise on my own. so I've had a lot of trauma to over come it's hard, but I'm slowly getting there. Your videos and Richard grannon videos have helped me out loads. Thank you.
This pattern is happening to me till this day, I self-harm by this method and as I became more aware of it, I only pushed further into it intentionally out of anger and desperation, from someone who was asulted since the age of 3 till 24 I can't express how now in my 30s that amount of distraction this has made in my life and still I'm on stand by on unable to stop it or get help in any way, hearing this conflicts me between another wave of anger or suicidal depression, yet I do my best every single day and every single day is a battle to the death with everyone and everything on one hand and myself on another. I'm aware of what I should do to overcome this and I still can't do it cause of my current circumstances and I kinda just live each day waiting for it to be the one where I completely mentally snap and just be done with this life. Im sorry this is such a dark comment but I literally don't have a single soul I can say this too, and I just want it to be said.
Sexual abuse didn't impact me in the way that having a narcissistic mother and older sibling with narcissistic tendencies did. The narcissistic abuse was far worse than sexual abuse, which was a blip in time in comparison. My mother's bad behavior was far more damaging. My poor choices in partners are more closely tied to my mother wound, than it is tied to sexual abuse. I enjoy every aspect of sex, I set solid boundaries with my partner. I know that sex, love, affection and intimacy are all different things. I love intimacy, hand holding, hugs and kisses, long conversations, just being close to my partner and enjoying each other's company. I enjoy all of it. My sibling who joined my mother in narcissistic abusing/bullying me, she has stunted view of sex and has been in a mostly sexless, loveless marriage for over 30 years!
This is very true and there is hope for us. This was me until 2007. My poor ex husband! Neither of us ever knew exactly why I was the way I was. I didn’t even know what a trigger was until I went to a biblically based intensive counseling place for 2 weeks. It completely changed my life. After I came back, I sought out one on one and group counseling for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. It is a free service in my county. I also became a group facilitator. Today, I enjoy physical intimacy in a committed relationship. I was honest up front about things that were “no goes” for me and triggers and had a partner that respected those and I felt safe. I’d like to point out that healing is a life long journey. I’m still healing codependency issues, but no longer despise sex, or freeze, disassociate, feel guilty, etc. It is very worth the effort to heal!
The freezing, withdrawing, and unresponsiveness can quickly become traumatic to the victim if “she’s” with a partner that doesn’t know her limits. She very well could jump to the conclusion that she was sexually assaulted when in reality she was unable to communicate her discomfort. Or she really could be sexually assaulted if her abuser takes advantage of her in that state. Either way, it leaves the victim more vulnerable than most to more sexual violations and trauma in the future, whether it’s real or “imaginary”
This is the first time I've heard my life put into the correct words and feelings. I got together with my husband in HS I was 15 he was 17. We married when I was 20. He being a sex addict dealing with abandonment issues me having been sex trafficked from the babysitters ages 1-4 and then later sexually abused by many others including a rape by my best friends father at age 8. We had 5 kids...one right after another...and now at 60 and 62...we are both broken...and have no hope that we'll ever be able to just relax in our relationship. 😢 I've done years of work...he's done some...I withdrawal and his abandonment issues rage....not sure this is something we can even expect to fix.
What about a child sexual abuse victim that is in a relationship with a Covert Narcissist. This relationship has affected me so much more than being molested as a child. Only because he has made sick comments about what happened during my childhood as if I asked for it. I was only seven. I feel like he takes away my innocence and makes me feel more dirty than I did in childhood. I was only 7. It's very hard to not despise him for the things he has said. On top of that he is a Combat War Veteran with PTSD AND TBI. So I suffer from CPTSD and Secondary PTSD. I've read book after book on Combat PTSD and he has yet to even research my trauma. At the end of the day I'm not sure which man I despise more. My childhood abuser or the man that I fell in love with that I do not care for to much lately. He took away any healing I had done and made me out be the dirty where that asked to be molested the way I was. When someone you love turns out to be more sick in the head than the molester it can be devastating. The sheer resentment that I have built up is not repairable . In my eyes he committed the ultimate sin because my recovery was going better than I ever expected but now I just dont care any more. He thought enough of me to break me down this way ? Why? It's caused significant damage that ge does not even acknowledge.
I came here to comment something similar. My abusive marriage impeded my healing in such a significant way it eclipsed my originally abuser. I’m so sorry you went through what you have and I am in solidarity with you. You are most definitely not alone. I was in a healthy place prior to my marriage. I had made peace with my situation. I had been in healthy relationships that ended amicably- normal intimacy. My marriage however perverted all aspects of intimacy, physical and emotional. I regret ever sharing my abuse with my ex husband because the moment I shared, our sex life and physical intimacy was never the same. HE saw me as something different and that began to change the way I saw myself as result of his relentless devaluation. I was purposely triggered until I broke by putting me in similar situations and then withdrawing and blaming me for bit knowing how to soothe him because I was triggered- freezing usually. I also blamed me and spiraled to a point where I wanted to harm myself because I was “ruining my marriage” He was cosplaying my original abuser. Then play the victim and accuse me of withholding/ being cold- when I wasn’t! I would ask him for after care, he would refuse. I wanted physical intimacy sexual and non sexual until he made it his mission to be unsafe. Never experienced anything like it before. It was confusing. It took a lot of therapy and dv counseling to see the full tapestry of what what’s happening.
He will never acknowlede. Don t wait for this to happen. You have acknowledged it to yourself. That is such a good step. Now silently walk out (with help from outside). I pray for you.
Thank you for this video. I have experienced much of what you describe, but have never been diagnosed with anything other than depression or anxiety, even when seeing a therapist after my 3rd s*****e attempt decades ago. The freezing, fading & disappearing you speak of all ring true for me at different times. The degree or severity of my response is somewhat dependent on the trigger, but not always. Despite having been in a safe home with a loving, supportive spouse for 29 years, it is still a major issue. However, if I attempt to be more present, it is much worse than fading inward. The more I try to be in the moment, the more rapid-fire the visual & auditory flashbacks become. Then I have to spend the whole time blocking them out & extricating what is currently happening, from the past & trying to differentiate the two. My mind spins into a chant almost of "this is not that, he is not him, here is not there, now is not then." It is an exhausting mental endeavor, all for the sake of attempting to feel something more normal emotionally. Both options are not ideal for either of us. Both are mentally & physically restrictive, but at least with fading, I can get through it. Whereas with blocking out, I end up cringing, & trying not to sob or hyperventilate. After all these years of dealing with the aftermath of childhood abuse, whether deep-diving into these topics with other "survivors" where we generally wind up collectively wallowing in the mire, or just facing my own personal soul-wreck debris that floats to the surface piece by piece, one thing remains constant for me: love is not sex, sex is not love. At all. There is no connectivity in my brain or body between these two concepts. And the more I try to overcome it, or try to "fix" it, the more defiant that 11 year old girl inside becomes. She will not allow it. And I'd rather not wake her if I can help it. After too many years of listening for footsteps in the hall at night, I'm letting her sleep in peace.
Thank you for sharing. I have never been able to put words to letting it be. Leave it alone. Thank you. I’m hoping it’s ok to use as inspiration to express this to my husband and therapist. You’re amazing and kicking butt everyday. Keep on keepin on.
@@brittainymedrano1519 Absolutely. I am happy & humbled if anything I said can help you. In my own experience, after having to keep a horrible secret for years, when I finally left home, I was able to tell others who had been through similar or even worse situations. I went through a phase where it seemed every time I turned around, someone was talking about it. It was empowering in a way, to speak, to realize that I wasn't alone in it. But. Eventually, I felt like I was just continuously purging. Everyday, vomiting up the past & after awhile that became a new kind of exhaustion. I feel like now, for me, decades later, I just deal with things when they arise on their own. And they do arise. Unbidden. Quite often. But not every single moment anymore. "Getting it out" & being heard has value. But after that, sometimes you just want to be more than what happened you. It is hard to explain to others who want to help, because "what you need" varies & healing sets its own pace. Much love & compassion to you. 💜
I thought I should clarify one thing... By "purging" & "vomiting," I mean metaphorically, like over & over verbally spewing out all the disgust & secrets, trying to rid myself of it. Not eating disorder-type purging. I have a friend who dealt with bulimia & it was not an easy recovery for her. I never had it myself, but watching my friend wage war within & against her own mind & body, I could empathize with her angst & always felt it was an apt analogy to that time of my life as well.
I was groomed by a pedophile to ignore my heterosexuality for at least a year and then abducted. I was twelve (A psychiatrist confirmed this with me.) I'm scared of intimacy and it leaves me confused. My first girlfriend when I was 20 or 21 helped me get back into my heterosexuality, but I was still always afraid of intimacy. What Dr. Vaknin is saying sounds so familiar. I live a recluse and in my seventies now.
This is a sad issue , I have been through this, is there advise or something we can do. its very sad that we have to pay for someone else's sick twisted mind. Of the abuse they caused.
It makes lots of sense . My wife didn’t like me rubbing her back or any part of her body. It was weird for me. She would never have sex with me very late at night . Like if we were a sleep and I woke up and started talking to her and started kissing her should say stop I don’t like it I want to sleep. She didn’t want spare of the moment sex also . This is just the intimate part. Until now with her Complex PTSD we both didn’t know . Honey I love you and so sorry your childhood was hell.😢
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I listen to you with tears in my eye. This is true, but I am curious about what happens when someone like me ends up marrying another sexual abuser and they abuse their children/step-children? My kids and I are not safe. I need all the advice, resources, and information I can find. The police are involved, but it's going too slow. I'm being forced to pretend nothing is wrong so that I don't tip them off before they can be arrested. It is pure agony. Please, help.
Professor Vaknin, You have assisted me beyond measure in understanding what has existed in the past, as well as finding the path out of a forest dense with undergrowth… not in just this video alone, but through the totality of Your labors. I extend to You, Professor Vaknin, what may appear a trite Thank You, but it is of untold density in weight, and honor rendered to Your work.
"I am a bad object because ive been defiled.' As a default.. and wanting to do something sexually degrading to feel like a good object again. Omg yesss!!!!!!!!! That one got me crying on the kitchen floor.
Thank you for posting this, professor Vaknin. It’s really informative and insightful. Could you please tell us why borderlines talk to intimate partners about men who try to court them? My BPD partner tells me about men who she has a history with that try messaging her, which I kind of appreciate because she’s transparent with me. But it makes me uncomfortable that she then proceeds to ask me for insight into what those men are thinking. “Why are all these men messaging me right now? It’s confusing. You’re around their age; why are you all messaging me?” I’d never use her to ruminate about other women who may try to court or contact me. Thanks.
@@samvaknin Thank you, professor. She claims to have autism (unofficially diagnosed by non-specialists who suspect she has it), and says this is the reason she harps on those men; because of the anxiety that their contacts allegedly induce in her, as “messing with her routine.” I’ve looked at your vids on the differential diagnoses between ASDs and BPD and other cluster Bs: Do men/women with ASDs triangulate in the way borderlines do but for different psychodynamic reasons?
Interesting, my ex gf with bpd at first seemed to be very sexual. She told me she had worked at a table dance club, as stripper, did some porn and did all kind of sexual acts. Also engaged in some bdsm, but without penetration. But mostly under drug influence. In our relationship, the closer we became the less sex she wanted to have and even got scared at some point when i wanted to initiate. At the start we had crazy sex for hours, but i noticed some things were off, like after Sex she immediatly went to the bathroom for like 10, sometimes up to 20 minutes, i dont know what she did in there but when she came back she said " sorry i took so long, oh yeah i should cuddle with you". In the moment i didnt think much about it, but to me it seems she thought oh yeah thats what normal people do after Sex so i have to do it too. In the end we went weeks without it and if we had sex only very shortly, it seemed like a chore to her. I didnt understand what was wrong so i assumed something must be wrong with me, she doesnt find me attractive or whatever! Later, very late in the relationship she told me that she got sexually abused as a child. Now it all makes sense to me.
I watched another video and you really put me at ease when you said that you are still Sam Vaknin! Your sense of humour is great just like your content. With female borderlines my experience has been they are very present during sex, however they can be triggered and do a complete shutdown and then become dissociative and completely shutdown and disconnect from their body. When it comes to cluster C (Dismissive Avoidant Attachment and avoidant personality disorder) I recognise a lot of what you said. They are not interested in intimacy and they will zone out during sex. They will always prevent you from getting close and do self sabotage behaviour if you do. The girls on the cluster C have told me they have not been sexually assaulted while every single borderline have eventually admitted to have been sexually assaulted. So to more limited experience with cluster C, I'm not sure if they are telling the truth or not, do you or anyone else have any experience with cluster C?
Hey 👋 Sam Did you know the majority of Psycologists here in Australia 🇦🇺 have no formal training with any trauma training? 💌 I've done alot of research and even asked my last psychologist- He asked " How did you know?" My gawwd, that's not the answer I wanted to here. 💫 How are we suppose to heal in the old paradigm of psychology from sexual abuse if there is no updated knowledge?
I refused the sexual acts in my last relationship, but went through covert stalking, bullying and stealth organised crime. Absolutely horrible. I didn't seek help in the justice system, because they don't have experience with Narcissists. 💫
And they revictimize 💯 I’m going through it now. 😔 our systems are broken. What happened to the good guys here to protect and serve and the Following the rules.
@@igorklob9375 gang stalking. Do some research. It’s pretty horrific. And worst is unless you know what’s going on and have someone that knows this is really happening and no you’re not crazy - one could easily be put in a place to un alive very quickly. It’s heartbreaking. ( most people refuse to believe it’s a thing until it happens to them)
I cried through out the whole video. Almost every thing you said is something i deal with most days. Of course it doesn't help that surprise surprise im a sex worker. Or used to be. But now im with someone who is now this isnt just my trauma or imagination talking pretty much makes sex with me a transactional experience. Yes im provided with a roof over my head and food and beautiful clothes but it comes at a price. His "love" comes at a price. Im his sex doll. And these things are only given as long as i am available to him at all times. It doesnt matter if i am sick or crying or in pain. If he wants me i have to be available or then im not a good object in my eyes or his . My only role here isnt as a girl friend or wife or a partner. Im just supposed to be a good girl and a f*** doll. If i do that am am good then i won't have to go back to the street . But if im not then i back to streets i go. Im constantly reliving my childhood trauma have CPTSD and have feel like im in purgatory every day ofy life.
this doctor and others like him gives people xray vision and bolt cutters to free yourself. we all have so much power professional info at our fingertips. jail break by any means necessary and i mean any means. find someone to grow with. the purgatory is like a plant with just a small drip of water to survive that never blossoms or blooms.
I agree 💯 % . Thow I have no memory of sexual abuse. I was punching bag in the family. I remember all the different ways I was abused, but sexually. I have been married 2 both were celibate marriages. I try to go the same sex way, attracted very abusive partners. I have been single with very few close relationships for 15 years. How do I go about changing the course time ?
I fell in love with a man who had been sexually abused in his childhood. A narcissist I guess. I did not allow to play with my mind (hot& cold, punishing with silence, trying to make me jealous). He blocked me even though I told him about my deep feeling I had for him. Now I am thinking that maybe I made mistakes... I treated him as a "standard narcissisy" while he was a person sexually abused... I live with regret and I miss him very much. What could I do...? Could you please advice?
Thankyou Sam, this has been my exact experience but ive never heard anyone not even a therapist talk about it before. Other than myself. I am not there and i always rationalised that its because when i was abused i was manipulated into agreement as a minor and was a character witness in court twice (at original trial and appeal) for a friend who suffered abuse from the same person, and was made to feel i wanted it to happen from all angles, so i switched that part of myself off, or killed it or something to protect myself from that. And theres been occassional times i havent switced off entirely and let my guard down in a relationship and that is when ive become aggressive as you describe also. I threw things at my ex after intercourse and raged at my worst point. Poor guy. I just dont know how to switch it back on so as not to harm others with my own damage so I abstain from it all mostly now and remain single until i can figure it out. Youve a great mind so im sure youve already got the answer and i just havent watched the video yet or atleast that you will come up with the answer before me. Ive been working on that one for a lifetime. Much love, Tash
👍🏽👏👏professor ,thank you so much as a child sexual molestion by my stepdad at like 6 who was always there person I can say I related to a lot of what you were saying I was inappropriate as a child to myself and I would feel disgusted with myself as to why and how do I know to do this but not until later a partner asked and I had to think how do I know to hold my private area with my hands from before I can remember really it’s sad at least 6 , 5 I’m doing this every night up until my 25 years now I am better with that at 37 it’s a long path but for me I found learning about these things help me and then I can help others that I love too ❤️
I have a serious issue I was sexually abused from the maybe 2 3 until I was 7 by my baby sister she was a women I now find I feel so sad and disgusted when I want to be intimate how do I get rid of this feeling
What are the key steps to healing or developing healthy mechanisms post sexual abuse and moving forward with a healthy mindset after sexual abuse?? Is it even possible? And Is healing from sexual abuse similar to healing from narcissistic abuse; where stated in your previous video , there are steps that you need to take post narcissistic abuse prior to therapy in order to begin the healing process?
I think it is possible with a good therapist specialized on treating trauma, but it takes time and i wouldnt say that there are steps needed prior. Just the will to change and heal is important.
j'ai pu constater que la victime prend l'identite de son agresseur et procede comme lui anéantir la volonte la subjectivite et pousser à reduire la vigilance de son partenaire afin de lui faire vivre son trauma
I agree with alot of this and what’s so concerning is as an adult my ex intimate partner groomed me. It’s an extreme analogy.. like a child molester. I know I was sexually abused but only have body memories ( amnesia). So, much of the abuse and my childhood abuse is fuzzy. I didn’t know that until a few weeks ago about the sexual grooming and his predatory behavior. He’s psychopathic …
This description is very much like a man l know. is it the sane for a man? I'm not sure he disappears when having sex but he clearly struggles with the bad and good of sex and himself, and more than normal desire to please and only seems to know how to get close sexually, then runs.
@Prof. Sam Vaknin Thanks. Still very sad to watch, mostly because there is an intelligence in him that is hard to enjoy. Not even sure I would have noticed if hadn't done extensive therapy to see my own issues associsted with gang rape in mid-teens. i kniw irs different but still in my day it was safe to go into denial. Now, seeing is one thing, staying present another, and
Good Morning ;) this conflicts it's not only spread on intimate relationship but also of the way of living as sexual energy is connected to material world and pleasure itself by achieving everything we want. Sexuality is creativity, being confidence, getting knowledge of what I want in the life. There is always conflict - 1 side is like a virgin who does not want be to touched, or avoid life itself - other side is like a devil who want destroy everything, got a power and keep going with darkness. This conflict create prison of bipolar reactions... lack of boundaries in every level of life make this conflict growing. we choose opposite side of ourselves - predators as they also are victims who response for trauma on a opposite way, but we connected ourselves on trauma level...it is a human hell life... PR I S O N
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse several different situations/ages - the amnesia is real. It pours over into everything 😔 that’s one of the biggest disruptions in my life following. It is brutal trying to explain that while yes I am only 33 I have the memory of a gnat lol I finally know why. So thank you Sam! my children would say that my brick wall boundaries as far as what behaviors / interactions are allowed are irrational and excessive lol but my children have not been harmed in my care nor is there an opportunity. I’m very in tune with the energies in a room as a consequence. I do tend to shower minimum of 2 times per day more if I get sweaty. But I was able to over come the intimacy avoidance and the whole thoughts of someone touching me making me sick and my skin crawl( also wasn’t aware that’s where that came from I thought it was just neglect as a child) I am able to be present the entire duration of sexual encounters with my amazingly patient husband of 7 years. He is the only one I’m not subconsciously trying to avoid casual extended touches in any way. I do not trust people- I hyper focus if they are found to have been dishonest in an interaction to figure out why or opposite they no longer exist in my world. Let’s see the anxiety / sensory overwhelm , things changing after a plan has been made, successful multi thought/tasking “window “ I call it is very small. I have an immediate dislike for anyone with the same name as the people that harmed me- I have been able to apologize while declining potential friendships. I am more comfortable completely alone than with people … and startle very easy. MOST IMPORTANTLY. In my opinion for your stats 😂 No personality disorders, bipolar ever, Yes for major depressive disorder (diagnosed at age 12) general anxiety disorder/ agoraphobia , PTSD , suicidal ideation pretty regularly still ( weirdly enough in an episode I’ll be almost committed to it. Then like a light switch flips - all done cried it out it’s the weirdest thing …)
Woman with DID here... I can attest to everything said in this video. It took me more than three years to feel not only safe but emotionally secure with my trauma therapist but after I did a lot started to change. Physical touch (always consensual for sure) in session started to calm me down, regulate me and help me get out of dissociative states without having lots of difficult symptoms and feelings afterwards. I'm now able to be present in my body without dissociating when my therapist hugs me which is huge for me because it (meaning my body) normally feels like a crime scene to me. I start to see healthy traits I experienced for the first time in my life inside the corrective therapeutic relationship in other men and also start to notice early signs of controlling traits and pull away. I still don't feel safe in the world but I'm aware of the absence of threat more and more. I can differentiate a lot better and tolerate conflict without loosing the connection to the other person. Setting boundaries and communicating needs don't seem to be a perceived treat for relationships as much as they were and I had numerous positive experiences with people being willing to respect my needs or boundaries after I communicated them. Didn't seem to be a big deal for them but it sure was for me. Also huge for me to see that it is okay to be someone and not having to always mold into what I think the other person wants me to be right now. Also lead to the end of a lot of relationships (family, friends, acquaintances) because I realized there isn't even a base for anything interpersonal there. It's still a long way to go and I'm not actively looking for an intimate partner right now because it's way too early but I'm positive that I'll be able to be a healthy partner for the most part one day. I always thought sex is just violent, painful and degrading but listening to securely attached people talking about what sex really is like made me realize it's not even similar to what I know. Like I've learned the wrong noun. It makes me think sex isn't that scary and actually sounds like something I could enjoy one day.
Can you tell me what sort of therapy did you do?
@@dianatalida The one I'm currently doing is mostly relational with somatic and systemic aspects woven into it. We sometimes also do small doses of parts work but it's not my cup of tea because I like to think more unifying instead of dividing. A lot of people seem to benefit from it tough.
may I contact you? my gf has had a similar experience and I would like to understand the view of the other side, after watching these videos it just started to make sense why she acted the way she did
Thank you for posting. I have no hope that this part of my life will be fixed in this lifetime.
@@bugbean5500I see the point of IFS to be bringing all the parts together eventually..becoming one. The model does not support this however. I think that is my ultimate goal in parts work. To identify my parts..listen..understand...then unify all of them into ONE self..me ❤
This hit really deep. This is what being with my last partner was like. One of the part which I observed in that relationship and with other sexually traumatised individuals is that they respond to their partner's sexual boundaries often with frustration and sometimes even anger. They idealise their own lack of boundaries as love and kindness. Therefore any boundary you present is understood as a rejection, as well as a break of the covert contract they've made in their head, "if I don't have any boundaries with you, you shouldn't have any with me!" Their defense mechanisms are so deeply engrained that they respond to boundaries with repulsion, often punitively. In doing so, their sexual victimisation is passed on to their partner.
" thank you for withstanding the pain and letting me have orgasm. I love you so much" they expect your total sacrifice cause then they feel loved. If you put boundaries, they shame you and say you are boring and you are selfish, cause they would do anything in sex for you. They cannot feel your humiliation, cause they have denied their own humiliation and live this way all their life
Almost poetic. This perfectly describes what I went through in my relationship with a borderline. I had boundaries around physical intimacy, she saw it all as rejection and would break things in the house when said boundaries were imposed. Later on I found out she was sleeping with various men 20+ years older because they loved her lack of boundaries and therefore "loved her." I was seen as an unloving monster the healthier I was, and these men were worshiped.
Sexually addicted narcissist is master in making his partner feeling guilty. " If you gave me a blow job 3 times a day there would be no problems in our relationship". No matter how much the parther abandons herself to give pleasure to the narc, he will discard her in an unimaginwbly brutal way. Giving absolutely no validation to the parther feelings, narcissist is surprised that the partner, when getting out of cognitive dissonance is going to be murderously furious... she'll call her crazy and his mummy will say that the partner refused to fulfill the BASIC NEEDS of her beloved son...
Omg! This sounds like my narc ex and his narc mom!
I found this interesting. I have no visual memories of abuse but there was a time I fell in love and went crazy! I just couldn’t ever feel safe in the relationship. After I broke up with him, I am convinced memories came from the subconscious to the conscious. My feelings and inner experiences did not match my outside reality. I experienced sheer terror, insane rage and inconsolable sorrow/grief. Nothing in my life should have evoked such a response. I felt a war within between good and bad and I said those same words, “ Do whatever you want to me but I belong to God!” It felt like evil was trying to take my soul and I even describe my experience as being “soul rape.” I felt like two people. One was suffering and the other was watching and observing. I had such severe abandonment and self rejection. I felt condemned to Hell. I have never found anyone who could relate.
I hace had an extremely similar experience!! The first time I got into a real relationship, I experienced debilitating, persistent, intrusive feelings of dread, rage, despair, guilt, etc, that had nothing to do with my actual relationship or life circumstances. Having a romantic partner was too much for me and I had to break up with him. Over the next three months I went through an excruciating process of repressed memory recovery (without a therapist). Turns out I’ve been living with DID since I was 5 years old and never understood it.
I also relate to the feeling of feeling like I was being assaulted on a spiritual level. I felt like I was in “the valley of the shadow of death” and I would repeat Psalm 23 over and over to cope with it.
You are not alone, I hear you and I relate♥️
Me too
I soaked up every word of you. I can completely relate. Thanks for describing things I couldn't even find words for. I'm married to a very loving man but all my abuse memories came back after being married and I can't have any more intimacy with him.
I feel this constant war inside of me between good and evil. Between lies and truth about me. Its hard to recognise that all this shame and guilt and self-hatred are lies that try to kill my soul. I feel powerless to break free from these lies imprinted in my heart with poison. I only find comfort in the victory of Jesus Christ.
"And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross" Col 2,15
I'm learning that His victory can become my victory and by grace I receive peace for my tortured soul.
It’s crazy, I was sexually abused as a young child, I went on into my adult life to be hyper sexualised throughout my teenage years. I then went onto have two children- my first when I was only 16 this gave me focus, grounded me and saved me for sure! I put all of my abuse in a box and never thought about it ever! Like it never existed or was normal! I never even spoke about it! Now at 41 with two grown up children it has all suddenly come to light. I have always attracted very unavailable partners , and those on the spectrum… due to my own cptsd among other traits too I realised after a mass loss of self during a relationship with a person with a personality disorder 4 years ago this awoke all my trauma made me look inside, patterns, maladaptive patterns a now huge anxiety! Have I been wearing a mask all of my life? It’s huge! Loss of old self I had built to protect me…. So now I am having to re parent myself… and finally grieving a childhood i thought was ‘normal’! ❤ thank you xxx
4 years in ❤️
@@lornaelizabeth6290 wow I so resonate with most of your story...I had to remove the make believe fantasy mask 3 years ago. It was painful. I'm 60 and creating a new woman. ❤
I was molested by a doctor when I was little. The description of the lack of boundaries was spot on. I've done things in the past that I wasn't completely comfortable with but didn't think I was worth speaking up for myself so I just zoned out. I don't like to be touched very much in general, even people giving me hugs etc but especially by people with other intentions because it feels a bit creepy. I do link sex with relationships and intimacy. I started working on these things a while ago because as I get older I realise that this is dysfunctional and I do want an intimate relationship. (My last relationship was with a malignant narc and he was cold as ice and robot like. His lack of touch, hugs & kisses etc was mostly okay with me, I didn't mind that, it was more the absence of emotional intimacy that I really struggled with)
My husband has been sexually abused as a child, has bpd and has a lot of heavy narcissistic traits and is abusive. This helps me understand his behaviors a lot more. It's interesting to look back at awkward and confusing sexual moments and realize this is what was going on with him the whole time. Thanks for this insightful video. Very helpful
Can you share any of those experiences that you look back now makes sense?
I’m 53 and during my entire childhood up until the age of adolescence I was abused by my older brother. The abuse was sexual, emotional and physical. His sexual game was “Simon Says”. I’ve been married for 26 years and what you describe is 100% accurate. My husband is controlling and for many years our sexual relationship consisted of me basically “servicing” him. I have no idea how many years it’s been since I had intercourse but I finally started to come to terms with my abuse and in trying to crawl out from under the effects of the abuse, I now find I absolutely cringe -literally and visibly - if my husband tries to touch me. It makes me want to scream. I agree with everything you’ve said in your video but wish I understood how to move past it.
@@majeszczak it feels like torture. I cringe. I brace myself. I want to scream “leave me alone”. As I type this I’m questioning why I feel a need to explain how it makes me feel.
@@majeszczak The Oxford dictionary defines cringe the same way I do “bend one's head and body in fear or in a servile manner.” And it would nice if it were as easy as simply making, as you suggest, the “choice” not to feel that way.
@@annemarie6518 I hear every word you say and I believe you. Nobody walks in your shoes and has no right question you. Thank you for sharing. Believe you. Believe yourself. Best wishes in healing. 🙏🌷💕
I feel bad about the weirdo who jumped on your thread. I feel bad that he made you feel like you had to explain yourself to him. Sister, stay strong and believe in yourself. You can give yourself permission to block 🚫 the weird ones and not let them affect your mood. "I honestly don't care how you define cringe. I define it the way I want and you can go get lost" is a good enough reply to people like this.
@@majeszczak Your comment is ridiculous. One can cringe and screech and scream too. You should have premised your comment since you felt the need to criticize the original writer with an opener stating
...for myself....
The opinion you express is not an observation based on any objective criteria, but merely your own response ss you indicated . By not doing so you basically called the writer a liar....whether you meant to or not.
This was explained better than any therapist I've been to.
I was abused as a child in a number of ways, but the sexual abuse led me down a bad path that saw me taking hard drugs, drinking and doing other things I deeply regret. I'm now 31 and have healed a lot through therapy, but I still feel so ashamed of how I veered off the path... so much so it causes me a lot of agony and heartache today. please pray for me... ❤❤
I will pray for your mental, physical and spiritual healing and peace. There is good in the world. Jesus loves you and has a plan for you. God bless you.
@@souperstar7050 thank you my bro/sis in Christ :) thank you for the prayers! x
forgive yourself for what you did in survival mode
Thank you. This makes so much sense. I am 46 and have been struggling for years it's been the last 5 years I've stayed single and concentrating on my emotional literacy, boundaries, and work on myself. I was sexually abused by 2 different men as a child and was in an abusive relationship for 11 years as a young adult. Then I had to children to raise on my own. so I've had a lot of trauma to over come it's hard, but I'm slowly getting there. Your videos and Richard grannon videos have helped me out loads. Thank you.
Good luck
This pattern is happening to me till this day, I self-harm by this method and as I became more aware of it, I only pushed further into it intentionally out of anger and desperation, from someone who was asulted since the age of 3 till 24 I can't express how now in my 30s that amount of distraction this has made in my life and still I'm on stand by on unable to stop it or get help in any way, hearing this conflicts me between another wave of anger or suicidal depression, yet I do my best every single day and every single day is a battle to the death with everyone and everything on one hand and myself on another.
I'm aware of what I should do to overcome this and I still can't do it cause of my current circumstances and I kinda just live each day waiting for it to be the one where I completely mentally snap and just be done with this life.
Im sorry this is such a dark comment but I literally don't have a single soul I can say this too, and I just want it to be said.
Sexual abuse didn't impact me in the way that having a narcissistic mother and older sibling with narcissistic tendencies did. The narcissistic abuse was far worse than sexual abuse, which was a blip in time in comparison. My mother's bad behavior was far more damaging. My poor choices in partners are more closely tied to my mother wound, than it is tied to sexual abuse.
I enjoy every aspect of sex, I set solid boundaries with my partner. I know that sex, love, affection and intimacy are all different things. I love intimacy, hand holding, hugs and kisses, long conversations, just being close to my partner and enjoying each other's company. I enjoy all of it. My sibling who joined my mother in narcissistic abusing/bullying me, she has stunted view of sex and has been in a mostly sexless, loveless marriage for over 30 years!
Oh, good for you, Brenda.
This is very true and there is hope for us. This was me until 2007. My poor ex husband! Neither of us ever knew exactly why I was the way I was. I didn’t even know what a trigger was until I went to a biblically based intensive counseling place for 2 weeks. It completely changed my life. After I came back, I sought out one on one and group counseling for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. It is a free service in my county. I also became a group facilitator.
Today, I enjoy physical intimacy in a committed relationship. I was honest up front about things that were “no goes” for me and triggers and had a partner that respected those and I felt safe. I’d like to point out that healing is a life long journey. I’m still healing codependency issues, but no longer despise sex, or freeze, disassociate, feel guilty, etc.
It is very worth the effort to heal!
The freezing, withdrawing, and unresponsiveness can quickly become traumatic to the victim if “she’s” with a partner that doesn’t know her limits. She very well could jump to the conclusion that she was sexually assaulted when in reality she was unable to communicate her discomfort. Or she really could be sexually assaulted if her abuser takes advantage of her in that state.
Either way, it leaves the victim more vulnerable than most to more sexual violations and trauma in the future, whether it’s real or “imaginary”
The transactional idea itself it’s unfortunate…the soul scars 😢 can’t be hidden.
Knowing that sex trafficking is a world-wide pandemic, I weep at the outcome and effects of an unhealed society.
This is the first time I've heard my life put into the correct words and feelings. I got together with my husband in HS I was 15 he was 17. We married when I was 20. He being a sex addict dealing with abandonment issues me having been sex trafficked from the babysitters ages 1-4 and then later sexually abused by many others including a rape by my best friends father at age 8. We had 5 kids...one right after another...and now at 60 and 62...we are both broken...and have no hope that we'll ever be able to just relax in our relationship. 😢 I've done years of work...he's done some...I withdrawal and his abandonment issues rage....not sure this is something we can even expect to fix.
Please make a video about amnesia and confabulation. It would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you Dr Vaknin for taking the time to make these videos. There is quite simply one else remotely like you.
What about a child sexual abuse victim that is in a relationship with a Covert Narcissist. This relationship has affected me so much more than being molested as a child. Only because he has made sick comments about what happened during my childhood as if I asked for it. I was only seven. I feel like he takes away my innocence and makes me feel more dirty than I did in childhood. I was only 7. It's very hard to not despise him for the things he has said. On top of that he is a Combat War Veteran with PTSD AND TBI. So I suffer from CPTSD and Secondary PTSD. I've read book after book on Combat PTSD and he has yet to even research my trauma. At the end of the day I'm not sure which man I despise more. My childhood abuser or the man that I fell in love with that I do not care for to much lately. He took away any healing I had done and made me out be the dirty where that asked to be molested the way I was. When someone you love turns out to be more sick in the head than the molester it can be devastating. The sheer resentment that I have built up is not repairable . In my eyes he committed the ultimate sin because my recovery was going better than I ever expected but now I just dont care any more. He thought enough of me to break me down this way ? Why? It's caused significant damage that ge does not even acknowledge.
I came here to comment something similar. My abusive marriage impeded my healing in such a significant way it eclipsed my originally abuser. I’m so sorry you went through what you have and I am in solidarity with you. You are most definitely not alone.
I was in a healthy place prior to my marriage. I had made peace with my situation. I had been in healthy relationships that ended amicably- normal intimacy.
My marriage however perverted all aspects of intimacy, physical and emotional.
I regret ever sharing my abuse with my ex husband because
the moment I shared, our sex life and physical intimacy was never the same. HE saw me as something different and that began to change the way I saw myself as result of his relentless devaluation.
I was purposely triggered until I broke by putting me in similar situations and then withdrawing and blaming me for bit knowing how to soothe him because I was triggered- freezing usually. I also blamed me and spiraled to a point where I wanted to harm myself because I was “ruining my marriage”
He was cosplaying my original abuser.
Then play the victim and accuse me of withholding/ being cold- when I wasn’t! I would ask him for after care, he would refuse. I wanted physical intimacy sexual and non sexual until he made it his mission to be unsafe. Never experienced anything like it before. It was confusing.
It took a lot of therapy and dv counseling to see the full tapestry of what what’s happening.
Same here, partner with TBI and combat PTSD- self involved and retraumatizes me all the time
He will never acknowlede. Don t wait for this to happen. You have acknowledged it to yourself. That is such a good step. Now silently walk out (with help from outside). I pray for you.
Thank you for this video. I have experienced much of what you describe, but have never been diagnosed with anything other than depression or anxiety, even when seeing a therapist after my 3rd s*****e attempt decades ago. The freezing, fading & disappearing you speak of all ring true for me at different times. The degree or severity of my response is somewhat dependent on the trigger, but not always.
Despite having been in a safe home with a loving, supportive spouse for 29 years, it is still a major issue. However, if I attempt to be more present, it is much worse than fading inward. The more I try to be in the moment, the more rapid-fire the visual & auditory flashbacks become. Then I have to spend the whole time blocking them out & extricating what is currently happening, from the past & trying to differentiate the two. My mind spins into a chant almost of "this is not that, he is not him, here is not there, now is not then." It is an exhausting mental endeavor, all for the sake of attempting to feel something more normal emotionally. Both options are not ideal for either of us. Both are mentally & physically restrictive, but at least with fading, I can get through it. Whereas with blocking out, I end up cringing, & trying not to sob or hyperventilate.
After all these years of dealing with the aftermath of childhood abuse, whether deep-diving into these topics with other "survivors" where we generally wind up collectively wallowing in the mire, or just facing my own personal soul-wreck debris that floats to the surface piece by piece, one thing remains constant for me: love is not sex, sex is not love. At all. There is no connectivity in my brain or body between these two concepts. And the more I try to overcome it, or try to "fix" it, the more defiant that 11 year old girl inside becomes. She will not allow it. And I'd rather not wake her if I can help it. After too many years of listening for footsteps in the hall at night, I'm letting her sleep in peace.
Thank you for sharing. I have never been able to put words to letting it be. Leave it alone. Thank you. I’m hoping it’s ok to use as inspiration to express this to my husband and therapist. You’re amazing and kicking butt everyday. Keep on keepin on.
@@brittainymedrano1519 Absolutely. I am happy & humbled if anything I said can help you.
In my own experience, after having to keep a horrible secret for years, when I finally left home, I was able to tell others who had been through similar or even worse situations. I went through a phase where it seemed every time I turned around, someone was talking about it. It was empowering in a way, to speak, to realize that I wasn't alone in it. But. Eventually, I felt like I was just continuously purging. Everyday, vomiting up the past & after awhile that became a new kind of exhaustion.
I feel like now, for me, decades later, I just deal with things when they arise on their own. And they do arise. Unbidden. Quite often. But not every single moment anymore. "Getting it out" & being heard has value. But after that, sometimes you just want to be more than what happened you. It is hard to explain to others who want to help, because "what you need" varies & healing sets its own pace.
Much love & compassion to you. 💜
I thought I should clarify one thing... By "purging" & "vomiting," I mean metaphorically, like over & over verbally spewing out all the disgust & secrets, trying to rid myself of it. Not eating disorder-type purging. I have a friend who dealt with bulimia & it was not an easy recovery for her. I never had it myself, but watching my friend wage war within & against her own mind & body, I could empathize with her angst & always felt it was an apt analogy to that time of my life as well.
your videos help me to understand much better and to loose a lot of anger.
thank you!
I was groomed by a pedophile to ignore my heterosexuality for at least a year and then abducted. I was twelve (A psychiatrist confirmed this with me.) I'm scared of intimacy and it leaves me confused. My first girlfriend when I was 20 or 21 helped me get back into my heterosexuality, but I was still always afraid of intimacy. What Dr. Vaknin is saying sounds so familiar. I live a recluse and in my seventies now.
I can freeze...and become emotionless...and let you do what you please with Me.
because of the forgeting integrity is key, my partner is a miracle to me
This is a sad issue , I have been through this, is there advise or something we can do. its very sad that we have to pay for someone else's sick twisted mind. Of the abuse they caused.
It makes lots of sense . My wife didn’t like me rubbing her back or any part of her body. It was weird for me. She would never have sex with me very late at night . Like if we were a sleep and I woke up and started talking to her and started kissing her should say stop I don’t like it I want to sleep. She didn’t want spare of the moment sex also . This is just the intimate part. Until now with her Complex PTSD we both didn’t know . Honey I love you and so sorry your childhood was hell.😢
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I listen to you with tears in my eye. This is true, but I am curious about what happens when someone like me ends up marrying another sexual abuser and they abuse their children/step-children? My kids and I are not safe. I need all the advice, resources, and information I can find. The police are involved, but it's going too slow. I'm being forced to pretend nothing is wrong so that I don't tip them off before they can be arrested. It is pure agony. Please, help.
Aren't there some safe houses for women that you can go to for some time?
Professor Vaknin, You have assisted me beyond measure in understanding what has existed in the past, as well as finding the path out of a forest dense with undergrowth… not in just this video alone, but through the totality of Your labors. I extend to You, Professor Vaknin, what may appear a trite Thank You, but it is of untold density in weight, and honor rendered to Your work.
wow..... this is powerful!
"I am a bad object because ive been defiled.' As a default.. and wanting to do something sexually degrading to feel like a good object again. Omg yesss!!!!!!!!! That one got me crying on the kitchen floor.
Thank you for posting this, professor Vaknin. It’s really informative and insightful. Could you please tell us why borderlines talk to intimate partners about men who try to court them? My BPD partner tells me about men who she has a history with that try messaging her, which I kind of appreciate because she’s transparent with me. But it makes me uncomfortable that she then proceeds to ask me for insight into what those men are thinking. “Why are all these men messaging me right now? It’s confusing. You’re around their age; why are you all messaging me?” I’d never use her to ruminate about other women who may try to court or contact me. Thanks.
Triangulation.
@@samvaknin Thank you, professor. She claims to have autism (unofficially diagnosed by non-specialists who suspect she has it), and says this is the reason she harps on those men; because of the anxiety that their contacts allegedly induce in her, as “messing with her routine.” I’ve looked at your vids on the differential diagnoses between ASDs and BPD and other cluster Bs: Do men/women with ASDs triangulate in the way borderlines do but for different psychodynamic reasons?
@@mynahinn wow, my gf is exactly as you described!!!
Wow!! This was great! Thanks please do share more on this topic!
Interesting, my ex gf with bpd at first seemed to be very sexual. She told me she had worked at a table dance club, as stripper, did some porn and did all kind of sexual acts. Also engaged in some bdsm, but without penetration. But mostly under drug influence. In our relationship, the closer we became the less sex she wanted to have and even got scared at some point when i wanted to initiate. At the start we had crazy sex for hours, but i noticed some things were off, like after Sex she immediatly went to the bathroom for like 10, sometimes up to 20 minutes, i dont know what she did in there but when she came back she said " sorry i took so long, oh yeah i should cuddle with you". In the moment i didnt think much about it, but to me it seems she thought oh yeah thats what normal people do after Sex so i have to do it too. In the end we went weeks without it and if we had sex only very shortly, it seemed like a chore to her. I didnt understand what was wrong so i assumed something must be wrong with me, she doesnt find me attractive or whatever! Later, very late in the relationship she told me that she got sexually abused as a child. Now it all makes sense to me.
I watched another video and you really put me at ease when you said that you are still Sam Vaknin! Your sense of humour is great just like your content.
With female borderlines my experience has been they are very present during sex, however they can be triggered and do a complete shutdown and then become dissociative and completely shutdown and disconnect from their body.
When it comes to cluster C (Dismissive Avoidant Attachment and avoidant personality disorder) I recognise a lot of what you said. They are not interested in intimacy and they will zone out during sex. They will always prevent you from getting close and do self sabotage behaviour if you do.
The girls on the cluster C have told me they have not been sexually assaulted while every single borderline have eventually admitted to have been sexually assaulted.
So to more limited experience with cluster C, I'm not sure if they are telling the truth or not, do you or anyone else have any experience with cluster C?
Can a strong lack of borders, lack of privacy and self autonomy during childhood or early teenhood lead to similar symptoms like CSA?
Much milder versions of these symptoms.
Hey 👋 Sam
Did you know the majority of Psycologists here in Australia 🇦🇺 have no formal training with any trauma training?
💌
I've done alot of research and even asked my last psychologist- He asked " How did you know?"
My gawwd, that's not the answer I wanted to here.
💫
How are we suppose to heal in the old paradigm of psychology from sexual abuse if there is no updated knowledge?
I refused the sexual acts in my last relationship, but went through covert stalking, bullying and stealth organised crime.
Absolutely horrible.
I didn't seek help in the justice system, because they don't have experience with Narcissists.
💫
This is strange and confusing but also interesting…
Very relatable
And they revictimize 💯 I’m going through it now. 😔 our systems are broken. What happened to the good guys here to protect and serve and the Following the rules.
@@igorklob9375 gang stalking. Do some research. It’s pretty horrific. And worst is unless you know what’s going on and have someone that knows this is really happening and no you’re not crazy - one could easily be put in a place to un alive very quickly. It’s heartbreaking. ( most people refuse to believe it’s a thing until it happens to them)
I cried through out the whole video. Almost every thing you said is something i deal with most days. Of course it doesn't help that surprise surprise im a sex worker. Or used to be. But now im with someone who is now this isnt just my trauma or imagination talking pretty much makes sex with me a transactional experience. Yes im provided with a roof over my head and food and beautiful clothes but it comes at a price. His "love" comes at a price. Im his sex doll. And these things are only given as long as i am available to him at all times. It doesnt matter if i am sick or crying or in pain. If he wants me i have to be available or then im not a good object in my eyes or his . My only role here isnt as a girl friend or wife or a partner. Im just supposed to be a good girl and a f*** doll. If i do that am am good then i won't have to go back to the street . But if im not then i back to streets i go. Im constantly reliving my childhood trauma have CPTSD and have feel like im in purgatory every day ofy life.
Very sad to hear that dear.
this doctor and others like him gives people xray vision and bolt cutters to free yourself. we all have so much power professional info at our fingertips. jail break by any means necessary and i mean any means. find someone to grow with. the purgatory is like a plant with just a small drip of water to survive that never blossoms or blooms.
Id add to this that it IS possible to regain satisfaction once safety is achieved for the victim
Very informative and helpful video. Thank you, Doctor!
I agree 💯 % . Thow I have no memory of sexual abuse. I was punching bag in the family. I remember all the different ways I was abused, but sexually. I have been married 2 both were celibate marriages. I try to go the same sex way, attracted very abusive partners. I have been single with very few close relationships for 15 years. How do I go about changing the course time ?
Brilliant!!
Very informative, educational.
Thank you😭😭😭
I fell in love with a man who had been sexually abused in his childhood. A narcissist I guess. I did not allow to play with my mind (hot& cold, punishing with silence, trying to make me jealous). He blocked me even though I told him about my deep feeling I had for him. Now I am thinking that maybe I made mistakes... I treated him as a "standard narcissisy" while he was a person sexually abused... I live with regret and I miss him very much. What could I do...? Could you please advice?
Thankyou Sam,
this has been my exact experience but ive never heard anyone not even a therapist talk about it before.
Other than myself.
I am not there and i always rationalised that its because when i was abused i was manipulated into agreement as a minor and was a character witness in court twice (at original trial and appeal) for a friend who suffered abuse from the same person, and was made to feel i wanted it to happen from all angles, so i switched that part of myself off, or killed it or something to protect myself from that.
And theres been occassional times i havent switced off entirely and let my guard down in a relationship and that is when ive become aggressive as you describe also. I threw things at my ex after intercourse and raged at my worst point.
Poor guy.
I just dont know how to switch it back on so as not to harm others with my own damage so I abstain from it all mostly now and remain single until i can figure it out.
Youve a great mind so im sure youve already got the answer and i just havent watched the video yet or atleast that you will come up with the answer before me.
Ive been working on that one for a lifetime.
Much love,
Tash
👍🏽👏👏professor ,thank you so much as a child sexual molestion by my stepdad at like 6 who was always there person I can say I related to a lot of what you were saying
I was inappropriate as a child to myself and I would feel disgusted with myself as to why and how do I know to do this but not until later a partner asked and I had to think how do I know to hold my private area with my hands from before I can remember really it’s sad at least 6 , 5 I’m doing this every night up until my 25 years now I am better with that at 37 it’s a long path but for me I found learning about these things help me and then I can help others that I love too ❤️
What about over sexualising and becoming obsessed with sex with their partner?
Time to actually watch the video, I guess.
I have a serious issue I was sexually abused from the maybe 2 3 until I was 7 by my baby sister she was a women I now find I feel so sad and disgusted when I want to be intimate how do I get rid of this feeling
Thank you.
What are the key steps to healing or developing healthy mechanisms post sexual abuse and moving forward with a healthy mindset after sexual abuse?? Is it even possible? And Is healing from sexual abuse similar to healing from narcissistic abuse; where stated in your previous video , there are steps that you need to take post narcissistic abuse prior to therapy in order to begin the healing process?
I think it is possible with a good therapist specialized on treating trauma, but it takes time and i wouldnt say that there are steps needed prior. Just the will to change and heal is important.
Merry Christmas Sam 🥳
j'ai pu constater que la victime prend l'identite de son agresseur et procede comme lui anéantir la volonte la subjectivite et pousser à reduire la vigilance de son partenaire afin de lui faire vivre son trauma
Do victims of emotional incest behave in a similar manner?
No.
God sam i hope we soon find a cure and way to heal from it all
I agree with alot of this and what’s so concerning is as an adult my ex intimate partner groomed me. It’s an extreme analogy.. like a child molester. I know I was sexually abused but only have body memories ( amnesia). So, much of the abuse and my childhood abuse is fuzzy. I didn’t know that until a few weeks ago about the sexual grooming and his predatory behavior. He’s psychopathic …
This description is very much like a man l know. is it the sane for a man? I'm not sure he disappears when having sex but he clearly struggles with the bad and good of sex and himself, and more than normal desire to please and only seems to know how to get close sexually, then runs.
Yes, same for men. But the sexual double standard renders such behaviors more acceptable for men.
@Prof. Sam Vaknin Thanks. Still very sad to watch, mostly because there is an intelligence in him that is hard to enjoy. Not even sure I would have noticed if hadn't done extensive therapy to see my own issues associsted with gang rape in mid-teens. i kniw irs different but still in my day it was safe to go into denial. Now, seeing is one thing, staying present another, and
Whoops hit send. ... and choosing different behaviour still another. Thanks for clarifying
Saw you in Ed Dutton's pub some time ago🍻
Found your channel because of the antinatalist philosophy ❤
Good Morning ;) this conflicts it's not only spread on intimate relationship but also of the way of living as sexual energy is connected to material world and pleasure itself by achieving everything we want. Sexuality is creativity, being confidence, getting knowledge of what I want in the life. There is always conflict - 1 side is like a virgin who does not want be to touched, or avoid life itself - other side is like a devil who want destroy everything, got a power and keep going with darkness. This conflict create prison of bipolar reactions... lack of boundaries in every level of life make this conflict growing.
we choose opposite side of ourselves - predators as they also are victims who response for trauma on a opposite way, but we connected ourselves on trauma level...it is a human hell life... PR I S O N
Many males are affected too. :o
17:38 ugh
Please make video about incelz 😅😅😅😅 thank you ❤❤
Please search my channel. Thank you.
@@samvaknin yes my lord!
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse several different situations/ages - the amnesia is real. It pours over into everything 😔 that’s one of the biggest disruptions in my life following. It is brutal trying to explain that while yes I am only 33 I have the memory of a gnat lol I finally know why. So thank you Sam! my children would say that my brick wall boundaries as far as what behaviors / interactions are allowed are irrational and excessive lol but my children have not been harmed in my care nor is there an opportunity.
I’m very in tune with the energies in a room as a consequence.
I do tend to shower minimum of 2 times per day more if I get sweaty.
But I was able to over come the intimacy avoidance and the whole thoughts of someone touching me making me sick and my skin crawl( also wasn’t aware that’s where that came from I thought it was just neglect as a child)
I am able to be present the entire duration of sexual encounters with my amazingly patient husband of 7 years. He is the only one I’m not subconsciously trying to avoid casual extended touches in any way.
I do not trust people- I hyper focus if they are found to have been dishonest in an interaction to figure out why or opposite they no longer exist in my world. Let’s see the anxiety / sensory overwhelm , things changing after a plan has been made, successful multi thought/tasking “window “ I call it is very small. I have an immediate dislike for anyone with the same name as the people that harmed me- I have been able to apologize while declining potential friendships.
I am more comfortable completely alone than with people … and startle very easy.
MOST IMPORTANTLY. In my opinion for your stats 😂
No personality disorders, bipolar ever,
Yes for major depressive disorder (diagnosed at age 12) general anxiety disorder/ agoraphobia , PTSD , suicidal ideation pretty regularly still ( weirdly enough in an episode I’ll be almost committed to it. Then like a light switch flips - all done cried it out it’s the weirdest thing …)
11:28 Dissosiative / Despersonalization
Thank you.