I watched a movie recently called Herself, and it's about a woman's attempt to leave her abusive husband and start her own life. At one point during a custody hearing, an attorney asks her why she waited so long to leave (trying to discredit her claims of abuse), and she responded with a statement that has resonated with me ever since: "Everyone keeps asking me why I didn't leave, but no one is asking him why he didn't stop." Abusers need to be held accountable for their actions, not their victims
Ooh, yes, that is so poignant. The victim blaming is so steep, it's astounding. No one is questioning the abusers. Most can't wrap their heads around how difficult, even dangerous it is to leave. Unfortunately the world we live in.
How would you’ve prefer people ask to you about your experience? What did you want to hear from them? May know someone in a similar situation - very easy to be frustrated , especially when they’d shut you out because of it.
I stayed in an abusive relationship for too long because I thought I could help him, because I knew a lot of his issues came from his childhood. Until I realized that I couldn’t help him if he wasn’t willing to change, but he could tear me apart. One of my reasons for leaving him was realizing I never wanted kids with him(and I very much wanted children) because I didn’t want to put someone else through what I was going through. And then I realized I had value, too, and I didn’t deserve this type of person in my life. That was over a decade ago and despite being happily married now to someone else, I still feel like I’m recovering from it….
Are you me? I’m so sorry you went through that. Realizing that I didn’t want to subject potential children to my ex-husband was a big part of why I left, too. I’m glad you left and that you’re in a better place. I hope the rest of your life is full of beautiful moments with people who value you.
Thank you for sharing your experience and I'm sorry that it happened to you...I didn't know it was such a common thing. My previous toxic relationship ended after 9 years, (I was 26, he was 29 and people started asking if we wanted to have kids), I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids, but I was sure I didn't want him to be my potential children's father...Then I realized that if I wanted to protect my imaginary children from him, maybe I needed to protect myself from him too. I mean, if they're not good enough for potential people, than they're not good for real people too.
Thank you for sharing 🥺 the guilt i feel for not being over the abuse is so hard. My partner struggles to understand why i still ruminate and am not "over it".
Understanding that you’re in a safe place now can be very hard to cope with. The feelings of not being worth the time and energy to heal can sometimes stop the progress. I remind myself a lot that I am worth more than what has happened to me. I deserve happiness and healing. I hope others can too.
You worth 1000 times more as what your pathetic abuser tries to tell you! What happened to you is 100% their fault not yours! I wish you a happy and safe life!
Almost every time I speak about the emotional abuse I've experienced I start going through another cycle of self doubt, because I hear what I'm describing and it doesn't sound as horrifying as the experience made me feel and still makes me feel. Almost without exception that cycle of self doubt starts, as I start assuming that the other person is already dismissing me even if they don't say it. Woo lingering effects of gaslighting
Exactly! I made that experience, too =( It always feels kind of "ridiculous" to talk about my issues when you can't bring up the hard stuff like rape, physical violence, being cheated etc. So I tend to underplay from the beginning and that doesn't help to make the point ...
SAME. It makes it even harder to heal when you're not even allowed to feel or name the hurt someone caused you. It's so horrible to feel so traumatized but then also be like well maybe I'm overreacting and it was nothing but also I cry 3x a day and have to disassociate because it's so painful. Ugh.
Oof, this hit different. Felt a lot of that. It's taken years to remind myself that just because it doesn't hurt as much now doesn't invalidate or minimise the abuse. I call it what it was.
I know right? You are not alone! Those are NOT your thoughts. Those are thoughts that the abusers put inside your mind! Ignore them! Know that your feelings are VALID! People do not suffer by free will. It is always because of a reason!
@@NatalieZii I know right? It is disgusting and ridiculous to make a person think that enduring such horrible abuse that causes abnormal and dangerous thought like self harm or worse is "over reacting" It makes my blood boils and to make it even worse people who are ot necessarily means harm to you can unintentionally pushes these thoughts further Example: My father is a sociopathic narcissist who constantly emotionally abused me though out my life, mocked my past trauma of child sexual abuse and even molested me himself But my mother is brainwashed by him, also have a horrible background of her stepfather molesting her and instead of admitting that she have trauma and seek help and healing from it often lets my dad push her around, put her down and have the audacity to even try to defend his temper against me when i bring it up and that how much it hurts I even told her that i did not feel like living sometimes and when she awakes from this delusion she 100% understands and agrees with me but at the next time i bring awareness to the same abuse she makes an excuse like "oh that is just your father, he can not help it" or unintentionally gaslight such as "he might be rough but he loves you so much"...Like what the actual Hell? I am so done with this! I am not a toy that people can punch to release stress! Sorry about the rant! Either way i will cut off most of my family members as soon as i get out of this Hell. It is about time to start to live MY LIFE at the age of 30
"Fun" fact: I was married to a narcissist who was gaslighting me for 18 years! Watching various therapists on UA-cam who seemed to know my life, I recently came to realize that I was treated that way by half of my family, so I was drawn into the familiar situation. I'm now divorced and homeless, but it's better than being in that nightmare. I'm slowly getting my various 💩together. Thank you for being a part of my (and so many others') healing. Blessings to you and yours. 🙏❤🏳🌈
I am currently in an emotionally abusive relationship. We have been married for 9 years and have 2 children, 7 & 5 years old. I’m a stay at home mom. Very easy going and a people pleaser. My husband is very Type A personality. Facts are more important than feelings. I have learned to not share my feelings with him because he constantly invalidates how I feel. I asked to go to couples’ counseling because I was started to burn out. I was crying and desperate and he said if therapy would make me happy he would go with me. I was relieved and then let it go until a day later. When I broached the subject of therapy again he said “You really wanna go to therapy?! Fuck no! I didn’t think you’d actually want to go to Therapy. I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong with me. You are the one with problems!” My health just started deteriorating. Constant headaches that had me bedridden. He works and I stay at home with the kids. I do everything with the kids. He comes home every day on his lunch break and expects me to make his lunch. It’s so hard because I never get a break. When I try to say I need a break or I’m stressed he proceeds to tell me if I woke up before everyone else I could have quiet time. I should make the children mind better. Make them play outside more. If I just kept things more organized at the house then I wouldn’t be constantly cleaning and stressed by messes. After he gave me a 30 minute lecture of how great my life is and how I don’t do anything to contribute to this family other than sleep in and go swim with the kids like I’m on vacation every day while he busts his ass at work I said “All I wanted was a hug and for you to tell me that you love me and you hope my day will get better” or any other variant of supporting statements. “So I should baby you and tell you what you want to hear instead of giving you some constructive advice on how to improve your life? Yeah, ok.” I asked for counseling to work on our communication because I said I’m not trying to compete for who has the harder life. I know you work hard in this heat and I’m grateful for that. All I want is some compassion. If you would come to therapy with me, we could learn to communicate better. “Im not going to therapy. I don’t NEED therapy! YOU are the one with problems and obviously, therapy isn’t even working for you! So why are we even paying for it?!” I’m waiting until my kids start back to school so I can get a job and start saving money to file for a divorce. His father treats his mother the same way, and I see now if I don’t get out my sons will think this is normal and treat their future partners the same way. The cycle stops with me.
I'm so proud of you for saying the cycle stops with you, but you've got some rough days/weeks/months ahead when you file for divorce. You can do it. If you stay you will BELIEVE the crap he is telling you about yourself. Been there, done that, never regretted leaving.
I'm so glad you have a plan to get out! Idk if you have an YWCA near you (or a similar organization) but they're very helpful for women with kids who are looking for a way out of an abusive situation (they help with shelter, childcare, resume writing and job finding). Best of luck 🍀
Woah. I just want to validate that this is not a healthy relationship and he definitely 100% has problems. I'm glad you plan on divorcing, especially as he refuses to change. I know it will be so painful but attachment is not the same thing as healthy love and caring.
I don't know how you're doing now, but I hope you're closer to getting out, if not already there. I am SO proud of for being brave enough to stop that cycle before it hurts even more people, and I wish you the best on your healing journey. God bless.
It clicked when the lady in the video said "I decided to leave because I wanted to be the best of myself, but I didn't feel like I could do that by staying in it." It might be really simple, like it's almost part of the definition of trauma. But it took me so long to realise how much I internalised the verbal abuse by not believing that I made the right choice for myself to leave. After leaving my abusive ex, I quitted smoking and picked up workout, and most of the things in my life is going well. But I still very much going through flashbacks at many unexpected moments in my life, so much so that I started to categorise those emotions triggered by the flashbacks and trying to come up with reminders to say to myself when they occur. Thanks for sharing the fact that "It is because your body and your mind know you're safe that they begin to address the trauma". Now I know that I made the right choice and walking on the right path now :) Wish all the survivors best of luck and congratulations to your breakups :)
❤ this was helpful. sometimes I have felt shame because things come up and I say wow...and I stayed after that incident. but I've been focusing on forgiveness for me.
It’s also because the emotional abuser is trying to get a reaction from you so you end up being the reactive individual. The manipulator knows how to calm down once they trigger you so the person being abused emotionally escalates while the manipulator calms down. Or it’s behind closed doors... when no one else is around to hear it.
This is where I'm at now. I was always very chill and slow to anger and even dealt with/expressed my anger well (most of the time at least), but after years of slowly worsening emotional abuse now I've turned into a person I don't recognize, responding to his yelling with my own.
I thought I was the only one who went through this 😢. I became the worst version of myself and finally decided to move out and separate. And now I'm the one who couldn't talk about things to make the relationship better. I'm the one who moved out just because it was easier for me. And I am the one who broke the trust and needed therapy for my anger. While what I went through has been minimized to they spoke with an upset tone. But they had to to get me to act like a decent person. It's so frustrating and disheartening
Biggest change I've learned through therapy is allowing myself time to process situations and emotions. E.g. If you went to the gym n did a workout n were physically tired from it you wouldnt get upset that u needed that time to rest and recover. But we do get overly critical internally like that with our emotions. That was a game changer for me.
I’m going to grab that book. I left an emotionally abusive relationship of 14 years a year and a half ago. Weirdly, he still calls me for the advice, support and guidance I provided him with when we were still together. I am moving across the country to get away from him. Thankfully, I have a great therapist who has experience with narcissistic abusers and trauma. I still wonder sometimes if I took everything wrong like he said I did; he denies he was abusive. The hard part for me are the “echo” relationships and friendships with people who are similar to my ex, but not quite as bad. I hope I can grow and become emotionally healthy enough to attract relationships/friendships that are supportive and encouraging.
You can start with yourself. YOU can be that positive, supportive, encouraging person for you and in fact you will want and need to be for the rest of life. Stephanie Lynn has great UA-cam content on this issue of growing your value to yourself, for yourself - even today you can remind yourself you have value and deserve kindness, considerate, support and respect (and especially starting with you). Stephanie Lynn says that after building up our value to ourselves and treating ourselves with genuine kindness and compassion and knowing what we want, need and don't want and don't need in others, we'll get good at not accepting and choosing the people who aren't good for us. Stephanie Lynn also has stuff about teaching others how to treat you, assertiveness, etc that I found helpful. I used to think standing up to bullies would enrage them even more but it's actually the opposite - they shrink and turn tail super fast - I actually enjoy it now because it's so funny to watch how they react when the tables turn on them. I'm still decent and civil, but I'm assertive and straightforward and don't let them take advantage of me. Other channels I like are Patrick Teahan, Therapy in a Nutshell and Put the Shovel Down. Their content on healthy boundaries is also especially good. I think Mended Light has some good vids on that too.
I've had a past of abusive exes who are men. What's helped me is just joking around with safe, healthy, good men. Every time I want to start hating *all* men, I remember a male friend who had a laugh with me. I now have a hand full of guy friends who I know only look at me in the friend zone and who I've been honest with... I shared my honesty thinking they would back away (like so many have before) but it backfired on me. They might not have had wise words to say to me but they stayed. They weren't scared off because they really are my friends. That means more to me than any of them would know. Actions speak louder than words. They really do.
My experience in healing from emotional abuse has taught me the importance of a wide network of support. I had the most growth and healing when I was meeting with a therapist, a psychiatrist, and had a large group of close friends and family to lean on. It takes a lot of work and vulnerability to build that network, but I wouldn't have gotten anywhere near where I am now without them.
Have you ever heard of the horror video game Among The Sleep? It takes place from the perspective of a toddler who is trying to hide and evade these monsters that he encounters in these little worlds full of glass bottles, forests, playgrounds and closets. At the end of the game, it is revealed that all the monsters he sees are really his mom who is an alcoholic and became scary when she drank. The whole game is really just a toddlers perspective on abuse. You should see it and give your perspective on its message.
Not sure if you've done a video already or not. Could you discuss how to be with someone who's been in an abusive narcissistic relationship moving into a healthy one. I've been trying to get familiar with triggers and projecting for my person who's last relationship was awful. I know about creating a safe space, which I've done and he's aware of that. I know the healthy relationship after the toxic one is the hardest one. So any help would be greatly appreciated!
God helped me, he showed me that i am loved, chosen, adopted, snd cherished. He gave me the strength and comfort to set boundaries, ask for help, and get doctors and counselors. He gave me the chance to show mercy and compassion, not for that persons benefit, but for my own peace before that person died. He helps me to learn and grow even though i have struggles and all my coping mechanisms got destroyed during covid. I still have health issues, ADHD, and some pain, but, i have grown. I am learning what I like and don't like, actually. I am learning how to claim my own space and make it my own. I am learning to care for myself like I care for others. I am speaking up more often. My counselor challenged me to protect my self like I naturally protect others.
I have a question/video suggestion: First some backstory: I have CPTSD from being emotionally and mentally abused in my biological family. On my wedding day I had to cut one parent and a sibling out of my life because they refused to stop hurting me. It's been 3 years since, and while I've healed a lot, I still get triggered and question reality. My husband was raised in a very loving home with healthy relationships. While he believes me when I say what I've been through and he supports me in healing, and therapy, and the boundaries I've set (cutting my parent and sibling out of my life) he doesn't know how to help me in the middle of a trigger. He doesn't know how to get through to me and convince me that I'm safe and in the present. And I don't know how to help him help me either. My question/video suggestion is: What are some ways for the spouse, of someone who has been abused, help them through a trigger or a flashback? Especially when trauma is new territory to the spouse.
I’m not a therapist, but my ex-wife has CPTSD and I’ve done a lot of research in hopes of understanding her situation. Safety is crucial; it sounds like some support in your corners might be a good thing. Find support groups, find a couples counselor, read books. You both need to start somewhere, but you have the right idea about safety. When you’re in a trigger or flashback, he needs to know that the situation is in your control. It’s very much on your timeline. If he needs to provide comfort, try to communicate that. If he needs to give you space, try to communicate that. I think it might be best if he prompts you with something like, “Do you need comfort? Do you need space? Do you need water?” It’s about trying to ground you in the present. This is what has worked for me, but both of you need to get some strategies in place before the trigger happens. When the flashback or trigger subsides, talk about what happened. He sounds like he would be empathetic, so give him the space to empathize and help each other come up with ways to keep you grounded when you do go into that hijacked state. Don’t do this while you’re in the flashback or trigger, wait until afterwards. Also, read The Body Keeps the Score. That book is excellent. Truly excellent. It’s a long and heavy read, but it is so worth it. I also found “Loving Someone with PTSD” to be very helpful when I was starting in my quest for understanding.
@@mistermarkeys thank you, your advice is very meaningful and helpful to me. ❤️ I'm currently reading The Body Keeps Score, I will definitely look into the other book for my husband. Thank you again.
honest question: why would you bother with a relationship with someone who doesnt understand trauma? im single and struggling with this question myself. i can no longer stomach explaining how i got hurt by people who were supposed to help me. i cannot imagine having to work so hard for that broken part of me to be understood and accepted by a significant other. i just assumed i can only be with someone who’s been through it. being with someone who doesnt understand would be triggering for me in itself. maybe you should be with someone who understands that deep part of you?
@@anju8376 I used to think the same thing, I dated guys who had also been through trauma, and in the end I wouldn't recommend that. The trouble with trauma is that it's so unique to every individual, both in the experience and the lasting effects. So when you date someone who's also been traumatized you have to take the risky gamble of being right 3 times. Once: they will understand your trauma, Twice: you will understand their trauma, Three Times: neither of you will compete for most trauma because you're both heading in a healing direction. As much as the phrase "hurt people hurt people" grates on my every nerve, I have found it to be true in trauma/trauma relationships. When I was in those relationships it always came to a point where I felt like the light was snuffed out and I had no choice but to be broken and trapped forever. My husband and I were friends before we started dating and the thing that stood out to me the most with him is he believed me about everything, I didn't have to prove my trauma to him. Also, in my situation being traumatized by my family, I hoped the day would come when I was strong enough to stop being their puppet but I knew if that day ever did come they would disown me. I knew I would be alone, and traumatized, and the trauma would wear me down, and eventually I would go back to them, like a kicked puppy, just so that I could have family. But my husband, having such a healthy relationship with his family, and they completely accepting me as family before he and I were even married, I finally saw the light - for the first time I had hope that I could heal from my trauma and it wouldn't define my life. His healthy family dynamic taught me what healthy dynamics are, and I was able to attempt implementing those dynamics in my own family as I developed boundaries. Back then I didn't want to cut my family out, I wanted all of us to heal and be a family forever. And it worked for my dad and me! But I lost my mother and sibling, something that breaks my heart to this day. Having only ever been in the midst of trauma I didn't know that being cut off from it would come with triggers. As the therapist's wife, in the video above, brought up - triggers happen when our body knows that we're in a safe place to process the trauma. I didn't know that that was going to happen so this part is as new to me as it is to my husband. Long story short, my husband taught me how to be healthy in ways I never would have learned by staying in a relationships that only ever knew trauma. Having someone balance you in a relationship helps you become the person you want to be. So I hope that you find someone who balances you, keeps you steady, believes you and believes in you. And in that balanced way learn together, how to be the best for your partner and how to bring out the best in your partner.
Thank you for talking about how traumatic is emotional abuse. I felt in my own experiences how people underestimate its effect. When I spoke up about my childhood with narcissistic mother, still I could have the response “but she’s your mother” or “I hope you will be in good relationship with her in the future”. When my goal was to heal myself, I heard that I should focus on our relationship. I was hurting even more because my traumatic experience wasn’t perceived as serious. Therapy helped me to heal it and to return myself my identity❤
This hit me hard, because mostly everything you said has happened to me. I've been in an abusive relationship for about 3 years and I've been accused of every single bad moment or thing that happened. And I felt responsible, mostly because I'm a 6'3' man with decent privileges and a healty background and she was this small woman, orphan, who struggled her whole life, so... "how can she be the bad guy?" I thought. The truth is she followed the abusive partner's guidebook every single step of our relationship. First she love-bombed me, then she took me away from my family and friends, saying I did not need the, because I had her. I became a tool, something to use to achieve her goals in life. It's been 3 years since I actually left her and, honestly, I'm still scared of meeting her again. I've developed a decent amount of anxiety, everytime I feel things are going fine I expect something to go wrong sooner or later. I'm in a new healty relationship now, but I can still the effects of the previous one, but fortunately my partner understands, having being in a similar situation.
Of all the people that say they are recovering from being the one to end the relationship, it's importance to recognize us who weren't the person who ended it. Its a worse position to be in I think, since you bent over backwards so long and extremely that when they leave they act like the healthy partner leaving when it doesn't suit them anymore while looking at you with disdain for compromising yourself (which reminder that they engineered). You don't even recognize how you got that desperate, and you were a strong person before. They call you inconsiderate when the only way you could internalize these things is by being considerate (that maybe you are not perfect/unaware of some flaws and could be better). Yet you never made the decision that these were wrong/false, unlike those who left. So not only do you deal with internalization, you don't even have the pride that you chose a point to stop. Its hard to draw the boundaries between what you would or wouldn't consider for someone "if you really loved them", which they prey on. Plus the fake magnanimity on top that they are being gracious by having no hard feelings (which theres no reason they would), making you look bitchy for having hard feelings for the abuse. Which they will of course deny, claiming you chose to actually do/believe what they said (and of course they never would've been influenced by you [insinuating its because of strong morals that you lack, but in reality they just dont care enough]), and in spite of your words you are acting this way now because you just internally are an incurably bad person and always were. Never regret being a good person to the wrong people. Your kindness says everything about you; their behavior says enough about them.
I wholeheartidly agree with you. You described what I feel into words. I completely identify with this as it was my experience. The magnanimity os what pissed me off the most because it's so hypocritical.
Recently out of a 7 year abusive relationship (majorly emotionally abusive) and I've been describing it as insidious. By the time I realised I was in an abusive relationship, I was in so deep and a lot of damage had already been done. I also voiced to my therapist that I wish I was hit; I wish that he beat me. Like you said in the video, it would've been a confirmation to me that it happened, instead of the constant doubt from the gaslighting. Still on the healing journey and seeing my therapist every week.
it's the victim shaming and self shaming for me. how did I let myself go through that? I am smart and strong but I let myself stay in that situation. also years of being told that I was to blame. He cheated because I wasn't good enough. I wasn't providing enough. He wouldn't have done that if I was better. I'm too weak to let whatever he does to me affects me. I am not strong enough or I don't love him enough to forgive or accept his behavior. all that blaming made me feel so not confident and I made myself believe that. still struggling after 3yrs of divorce.
Yes, the shaming never seems to end. It's been years since I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist, and I still have anxiety over "how did I let myself go through that?" I'm so hypervigilant about everyone and everything. If I didn't see the (glaringly obvious) red flags then, how can I trust myself not to fall for them again?
I go to the woods with my little lap harp and play for hours. After various traumas I've been living in YMCA supported living for 2 and a half years and in a refuge for a year before that. I'm about to move to my first permanent home in 5 years and will then be able to start EDMR therapy to try to heal and stop the triggers. i've found TRE (Trauma Release Exercises, diaphramatic breathing and 5 rhythems very helpful and would also recommend The Body Keeps Score book.
Writing is a great exercise to find again your own voice, after someone else's voice has been explaining to you how average and unimpressive you were. Also, the more I know on emotional abuse, the safer I feel.
As someone who was bullied massively in school (not physically, but with words) and a fanfiction writer: YES!! By writing I can define what I want in the future if I enter a relationship!
My very dear friend has said to me that she "married the wrong person" because her husband became an abusive and manipulative narcissist. He finally left her two years ago and has continued to emotionally abuse her every chance he gets. And although she says she knows that she's not to blame for what has happened in her life, when she says things she married the wrong person, it's obvious that she feels responsible. Fact is, when they were married 25 years ago, he wasn't abusive or manipulative. He, however, has given in to his narcissistic tendencies and has had a long-term affair with a woman who herself is a manipulative sociopath. In any case, my darling friend thinks that she should have known 25 years ago that he would have done this and therefore blames herself for marrying "the wrong person". Thank you for these videos that help me understand what trauma and abuse does to a person so that I can be a better friend to her (and encourage her to continue therapy).
Everyone loved my dad, and he never laid a hand on me. However, he could not deal with my depression, anxiety, and introversion. He had the typical "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality, calling me lazy. So I drank to self medicate the introversion and anxiety. I'm 60 now, and still occasionally deal with anxiety if I feel like I'm not doing enough if I need a physical or emotion break. Thanks, Jonathan and Alicia.
Watching this video, as with many others, I realize I have been abusive to my ex-partner and my children, and I feel awful... I go to therapy and have been working on the c-ptsd and the issues that cause me to panic and snap sometimes (besides just being a breastfeeding mom in post-partum) ...but I mostly notice how immeasurably abusive HE has been to us and how I've turned "abusive" within the factor of response and defense to everything he is and has beein doing to me and my daughters. I did stay too long, he makes everything my fault and it DOES feel like my fault... I know it (kinda?) isn't, but it was my choice to stay and bypass everytime, so I also feel like I deserved it? Every time I've ended up with an abuser, I'm told they know how to choose their victims... so it feels like it's my fault for being "their type" and not being capable of changing that yet... and believe me, I'M TRYING. I've even wondered if there's a part of me that is completely unconsciously choosing this on purpose, definitely not consciously, but it does feel like my fault. Edit: He's threatened me with taking our baby away from the beginning and for any reason (like me being tired after BIRTH) and finally this week he made a move reporting me with a bunch of false stories. Since I *have* been abusive, I wonder what I deserve or not, and what I could do. I was told by many people, includong lawyers and therapists, that I should have been reporting him a long time ago, but I really didn't want to cause trouble. I hoped knowing he *could* (should) be reported would prompt him to treat us better, but he decided to turned things on me. There's NO WAY on Earth they take my babies away or anything, because I am a very good mom, despite my anxiety attacks and snaps. I just don't understand how someone can play so hard at pushing and hurting their own family. Anyone reading this, I'd want to ask you for a good wish, I'd appreciated it so much more instead of yet another judgement. Thank you 🙏
I stayed with both of mine, even though I knew they were a-holes, because "Oh but have some compassion, they're really hurting, they've been through X, imagine what that does to a person, deep down they're a good person, cut them some slack, I've had a good effect on them, if I just stay maybe my presence will make them change" If you tell someone about what's going on, and they encourage you to have compassion for the abuser, that is for the abuser's benefit, not yours. I would argue it's a form of gaslighting. It's trying to encourage you to tolerate the behaviour and not feel the anger that you have every right to feel.
Sometimes it's hard to accept you were abused because you don't have the bruises to look at it. It took a year in therapy to finally fully believe it happened. I just kept say nooo I'm over reacting again, but that was just my programming talking. Even as a kid a knew something was wrong, but I couldn't explain it. Therapy was how I got past it all. 3 years of cognitive behavioral therapy. It was a lot of work, but I have the tools to cope with most anything I encounter. Not always great at it, but I now give myself permission to fail at it too.
I was in an abusive relationship, where everything was always my fault. After it ended, a couple of our mutual friends took his side and said a lot of the things, you've mentioned here: "You're overreacting", "that's not what happened", "we don't think that's what HE thinks of it" etc. Which was honestly terrible, because it's just gaslighting the victim all over again. It was so bad that I actually thought of getting help from a crisis psychologist, but I still felt like that wasn't the answer. At the same time Covid happened and I had lost my job, so I had several parts of my life that needed fixing. What helped me was focusing on my hobbies, which are music, writing and fitness. After a while I also took a few lessons in Krav Maga and had a couple of talks with specialized therapists (in relational behaviour). Now - two years later - I am in a steady, great job and I am (still) surrounded by my wonderful family and friends who stayed and helped me. I am also trying to find someone who is actually a good match, when it comes to dating - still in baby steps though. So if you feel like you have totally lost yourself (which I did) and you're in pain, try to get into the things, that used to make you happy. For me, it's my hobbies and the people close to me. It can truly be a life saver. ❤
Listening to slipknot helps me with the anger that doesn’t want to leave.. so many years of ignoring my anger towards my abuser has finally been let out.. but sometimes it feels uncontrollable
@@vihmaussivenitaja wow, that’s a heavy realization to discover. It’s when we have taken the necessary space away from the chaos where you realize you weren’t the problem or adding to it, just responding to the environment and it needed to be a response to not trigger the abuser. Thank you for sharing that with me. It sounds like you’re in a much better place now and that workout routine sounds like fun! I can’t believe it’s been 10 months since I’ve typed this comment. The anger has subsided and is under control, Im in a much better place now. The guilt about leaving comes now and then but I remember everything I was put through and feel that anger as a reminder of no more, not again.
Emotional abuse via bullying for perpetually being the oddball in any given setting, and the urge is to self-blame is hard to resist sometimes. You see them treating everyone around you with more respect and dignity than they're treating you, and it's hard to not think "so.....it must be something _I'm_ doing wrong, right?" and start looking for things to change about yourself. But like you said, they're responsible for their own behavior. Just because they've picked you to target doesn't make it your fault, doesn't mean you're doing something to warrant it. I've been working on recovery and fortifying my sense of self, and what I find helps me is breaking down behaviors by responsibility. I ask myself direct, simple questions about incidents, almost just true/false at times. "Which things they said are hurting the most? Why? Did you actually do what they said?" I believe in not trying to rush through emotions, but I find inserting the logical perspective helps keep them from going out of control without invalidating what I'm feeling. In that same way, I also find it helps to be the friend I know I'd be to someone else. Lean into my own strengths, but turn them inward. If someone were to relay these same troubles to me, I know I'd validate them and help them process, give them ideas for how to move forward. If I'd do that for people I care about, then I should absolutely be doing it for myself because obviously I should also care about myself. Like you said, you have to be the first person looking out for your emotional needs.
I survived, but have yet to heal from my abusive marriage. We have 3 kids (one of which is now an adult). Due to the fact that we are still connected by our kids he still continues to traumatize me and it's been incredibly difficult. How does one heal when they are still not out of the woods? It's been 12 years since I got away. I am now in an incredibly healthy and beautiful relationship with the man that will be my husband in a few months. He understands my cptsd since he has it too. I think it's so important to have the knowing support of someone that loves you and gets it. It helps enormously. It doesn't make it go away, but it's absolutely a start.
It is so hard to identify from inside the relationship. And even when I could see it, I rationalized it away and minimized it. I didn't know. I know he was abused by his mother. I tried to help. I couldn't. I finally left but it took me over 10 years.
What you mentioned at about 11 minutes, about feeling like you've lost yourself...it's a very real feeling. I went through 3 horrifically abusive relationships, and 2 of them seemed like they were competing for who could be worse, honestly. And when I broke things off with the last one, which was the longest one, I was so lost. I was in the middle of undergrad, had just changed majors, was having a severe mental health crisis, and just in general felt like I had no anchor points. I had to work really hard to reestablish my anchors in life with my family and friends and hobbies and interests. And while everyone I know has validated my experience, and supported me, there's still this weird nagging memory of their gaslighting, making me feel like I was the one doing everything wrong. And it sucks. Especially when it pipes up during disagreements with loved ones now. I check in about tone and if things have been communicated and/or resolved in ways that satisfy all parties now. Which isn't bad but definitely a defense mechanism to prevent blow ups later.....
I'm still in middle of working through unearthed trauma, and so am still figuring out this whole healing thing. For me, it's like my brain and body suddenly slam two pieces of knowledge together, and though it's stuff i could've said out loud before, it suddenly clicks. I suddenly get it, feel it, experience it - this thing was fucked up. This thing said to me was wrong, this behavior was neglectful and toxic. I cry and feel shock, and then like a burden is gone. The tricky part has been filling in the gaps left behind by removing the trauma pieces, and putting new ideas into practice. I'm so grateful you said that emotional abuse is so hard to heal from. I've said for years that i wished my abuse had been more overt - actual insults and screaming - instead of the insidious version i got (and then i feel horrifically guilty every time i think or voice that; abuse is horrific regardless)
Thank you so much. It's very important to hear this. For so long I couldn't allow myself to admit that I was harmed, because he never did something obviously wrong (like cheating or beating). And I couldn't talk about it because I was afraid to hear that I shouldn't overreact or something. I couldn't stand up saying "He raped me" when he didn't because it was "my choice" to have sex with him. But ... well. It wasn't. Consent under pressure is no real consent. But he was so emotional abusive that I couldn't say no. It was my first and only relationship. Twelve years later I still struggle. I can't trust people I do not know very very well, and I'm so afraid to let someone near because I never want to feel so miserable again. In the end of this "relationship" I didn't recognize myself anymore ... First my body broke, then my psyche.
I accepted my trauma, I take it as part of my life experience. Do you know these renovation programs - "Love it or List it", "Extreme Makeovers" etc.? It's just like a bad house and I'm no civil engineer. I get used to be sick but I realized this windy, wet room with mold inside walls was never for me in the first place. It's a room where nobody should live and even the shaggiest carpet won't help. But now I know why. Just like you doesn't know a dirtness before touching mold. This doesn't mean that everything is rotten now. That was just bad investment where I didn't want my child grow up. Next time I just need the real estate surveyor.
I still have nightmares about him even though I've been safe for nearly 4 years, and he never physically hurt me. I find that it is helpful to never mention this relationship to anyone who wouldn't understand, because it is so painful to not feel like my feelings and fears are validated. They'd be like, "but you must have loved him since you got married ", no, I don't think it was ever love at all, only manipulation on his part and weakness on mine. Thinking of physical contact with him or remembering his body makes me nauseous (and that's usually what my nightmares are about). How can I possibly explain to someone that I was married to someone who made me feel like that? It is better to just talk about it with a therapist, and anyone else doesn't need to know it happened.
I felt better once I realized I didn't really love HIM, I loved who I thought he was. I loved someone who I believed to be a caring person deep down, and I believed his fits of rage and cruel words were an anomaly, not something inherent to his personality. Understanding that this was an illusion and the caring person never existed has helped me a lot. Maybe this is a good way to explain it to others too - you simply believed the best of him, and believed his words. It was just you being kind and trusting, giving the other person the benefit of doubt.
What Alicia said at the 8 minute mark is the only reason I am glad for the relationship I was in with someone who was emotionally abusive. See my ex stays with a narcissist because he can provide for her financially. 🙄 My daughter's definitely learned from my example of drawing boundaries and ending the relationship when those boundaries were extremely disrespected.
@@cosmicreef5858 I think you completely missed the point of my comment. Me being with a woman who was emotionally abusive, set the example to my daughters to set and maintain boundaries. I know they learned from my example of respecting yourself, rather than my ex's example of not. I am glad I was able to set the proper example. I'm not sure where your comment fits as a reply to mine, unless you completely misunderstood every word of my comment.
There's a large school of thought in our culture that people are responsible for their own feelings; that no one can make you feel bad. That being hurt by someone's words is a bad choice or character flaw on your part. The old "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me." Yet emotional abuse is mostly done with words, and reinforced with "you're over reacting. Don't be so sensitive." How do you separate that out when addressing emotional abuse? How can you work on healing if you believe society's opinion that you did it to yourself? That the other person may have said a mean thing, but you personally chose to suffer?
I'd be really interested to learn how long each of Alicia's marriages lasted and how long in between each marriage. (Is there an acceptable time to wait between marriages? or an acceptable time to wait until deciding to get a divorce?) How quickly did she have her son after she married her first husband? How old was she when she first got married and does she think age was a factor in her decision to getting into that marriage (being too young). Thank you for sharing your experiences it really helps so many people.
I've got abandonment trauma from childhood and emotional abuse trauma from past relationships and struggle greatly with anxiety and depression as a result. One of the only things that's helped me move forward (aside from therapy) has been realizing that there's no way I can control the actions of others and what happens around me. I used to spend so much time having anxiety over "if a doesn't happen, then b might not happen, and they we won't be ready when c arrives" and it put a large strain on my marriage. I can literally only control what I do... and I can ask my partner for what I need and it's up to them to do it or not. But, it's not a personal attack or a huge setback if they forget. Giving some understanding and grace to them has helped me give those things to myself as well. Everyone is happier this way.
I really appreciate you talking about emotional abuse. It's a situation that I experienced all my childhood and I know it's very difficult to even get to the point where you can say "I was abused" and really believe it. Those relationships mark you. The person treats you well until there is something they don't like and suddenly they explode. They blame you for things, they criticize your intelligence, your values, your mental health... and if you do something wrong they say you do it on purpose just to provoke them. There comes a time when you doubt if you are really doing these things on purpose, you try to "get it all right" and you spend your life tiptoeing around it only to fail in the end. In my opinion it is the worst kind of abuse because you have no way to prove it and many times the abuser knows exactly what they are doing.
Add on physical abuse and undiagnosed BPD and you’ve essentially described my mum, it’s hard not to feel bitterness at others who clearly don’t have to carry the weight of that into adulthood, every day is a struggle for me :(
This comment helped me so much since it's a play by play of exactly what happened in mine. The worst is when there's 1 or 2 apparently valid criticisms mixed in, making the rest of it a game of "Were they really right about everything?" and "Were those 'valid points' just abuse too?" and not sure whether to correct yourself or not.
@@Menplzdonttalktome What I've learned is that while you can't cut these people out of your life, you can choose to distance yourself from them. It also helps a lot to know that you are not alone and that others tell you that it was not your imagination, what they did to you was wrong.
@@Xiassen I'm glad I helped, sometimes all we need is to hear from a third party about things that are happening to you to put it into perspective. Someone did that for me once and I'm so glad I did even a part of it for you. I'm sure you're an amazing person and you don't deserve anything you've been told.
abuse is abuse, all dangerous on the same level but in different ways Physical abuse breaks your body-if it is not treated then it is fatal Emotional/mental abuse breaks your mind and spirit-if it is not treated then it is fatal No matter what kind of an abuse it is deadly and evil People often fail to realize that you can NOT exist without missing any of your parts(soul, mind or body)
This was such a good topic to be frank, had a traumatic breakup 3 years ago and that LIVED with me like a ghost of my ex laying inside my head. I'll never forget the words she said a week after we broke up, she straight up told me ''The moment I let go of you. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders'' although I never wronged her and was always there as a supportive and did my best when it came to her, like hey what the hell have I done? Am I not enough? This made me feel like everyone felt like I was a bad influence and was never a good person to anyone which made me feel so insecure and unsafe. 3 years later I made peace with it and I wish my ex nothing but all the best. Regardless of that, thank you for the helpful talk John, I hope you and your wife have the best life together. Cheers
EMDR therapy has done a lot for me. But, on a more general level, allowing myself to feel what I need to feel and talking openly with trusted people in my support network has helped more than anything. My belief in God has also allowed me to forgive and set healthy boundaries for myself. Having a higher power to turn the injustice over to is essential. I truly appreciate the validation this video offers for those who have experienced emotional abuse. I stayed for so long, in part, because I didn't know I had a right to leave. I thought he was just really rude - perhaps even emotionally cruel. It wasn't until I learned about emotional abuse that I realized his behavior had far more than crossed a line and I was within my rights to protect myself and my children by leaving. As mentioned in the video, I, too, left (in part) to set an example for my children that certain behaviors are unacceptable. They should not treat others that way nor accept such treatment from others. I didn't hate my ex. In fact, I loved him very much, but in the end the loving thing to do was to show him that his behavior was wrong and would result in ruined relationships.
This is so interesting what you said at the very end... The fact that when you do collapse, it can be when you are actually in a safe place. I think that's what I've been going through and I can say this is freaking stressful and disturbing... Making me think that the new relationship I'm in might be wrong when this is actually the first one challenging all the bad things I was taught all my life. I feel I'm dealing with a bad trauma even if my history wasn't so bloody or doesn't seem so hard compared to the abuses you are talking about (lies can be so fucking hard to cope...). Thanks for you videos. They may not heal the individuals by themselves but they can certainly make you go the right path and make the first steps.
I remember my mom trying her hardest to get both my father (her ex husband) and my stepmother prosecuted for emotional/verbal abuse and neglecting me for ten years. She tried to get me to talk about what my abusers did to me for the past ten years, and I would clam up--I wouldn't say a single thing about it. Sadly, they were never prosecuted, and I don't tell anyone about it, mainly specifics, and when I do, I normally trail off, and zone out reality because it hurts to much even though it was only words. Thank you for doing this, Jono! 🤗
I didn't have therapy. I didn't have the resources that are available today. I'm 62. We didn't have you tube, I had nobody to talk to. I still managed to make it through my life not being bitter or like my family,who are racist and self absorbed. I think that most of my ability to cope and heal was music. I found music that was speaking about love and forgiveness and good. I didn't allow my abuse to overwhelm my heart. I wish I had support and counciling, but my generation believed that psychology was about crazy people, so many in my generation didn't get help.. and learned to deal with it. My advice is not to let your abuser still control you and your heart. I refused to become bitter and mean because then he would win , and it was my way of defying him. You can overcome this . Use what you have available to overcome. Music , books, TV... Whatever you have. Remember who you were, don't let yourself go. Keep your heart. Love is healing on itself. God bless you on your journey.
The thing that has been helping me is forgiving myself. Things like staying longer than I should etc. By forgiving myself I have been able to take ownership of my behaviour and separate my self from their behaviour
When you know that the only way that you can do anything physically(even just walking) requires you to make a decision in your mind first it is pretty ridiculous that people can not understand that the mind is JUST AS important as your physical form. What happens in your mind for a longer period of time or if something will leave a big impact on you it WILL manifest into physical reality if it is not treated.
Thank you for this, one thing I’m grateful you raised was the point about the “victim” being blamed & feeling guilty. I had a situation with an ex gf who everyone witnessed as the kindest gentlest person, it was what attracted me to her. However, wasn’t able to communicate properly & avoided any confrontation. We never had a single argument, when things got too much she would loose it & hit me (this happened only a handful of times) I was considerably bigger than her so I felt like it wasn’t a problem. I know what was a mistake. Because she couldn’t communicate effectively the emotional stuff was a strange experience for me, it started with subtile attacks on my appearance (she then fed my clothes to her dog, which apparently was funny). Then standing me up at events (e.g. a family party for my birthday). When I challenged her on this, I was “pathetic” or “controlling” for being upset. Eventually this lead to significant “bullying” for every aspect of my life/behaviour (even actually breathing). I knew things where wrong but I was being constantly gaslight whenever I challenged her, I wanted to trust her & that was my weakness. She broke up with me and actually told me she “wanted to hit me” while ending things. That isn’t normal. What is super scary and caused a lot of issues for me after the breakup came from accepting this is how she was/how she behaved. The “victim” is very easy to blame. A year later a close friend of her family confronted me and started to berate me out of the blue. I explained my side, but I was told I “deserved it” and how “good a person” my ex was. Ironically, this family friend had witnessed my ex hit me at an event but obviously wasn’t prepared to accept what she was capable of 🤷♂️. Two years later I’ve completely rebuilt my life but my ability to trust people is very damaged from this experience. The guilt is though and it’s still super difficult when my friends only saw the positives sides of our relationship.
I'm sorry you had to go through this! Being unable to communicate things in a constructive way and being mean and aggressive instead is probably the pattern she learnt in her family. But it in no way makes it your responsibility, so it's a good thing you chose your own safety and well-being
GOD, the first couple minutes of this video got me to cry... Being told basically "You weren't abused" or "that's your perspective, but what about how they feel, or what they saw it as" Like... having people that I really truly trust, tell me that... god it fucking hurts, like... yeah, maybe they have changed, maybe they are better. But what they put me through, and their refusal to even apologize, or try to make it up to me, or even attempting to interact with them in the first place. People are just being huge fucking assholes about my fear of interacting with them, and... I don't know how to handle it. People keep pushing this... "They've changed" narrative about my ex... and yeah, maybe they have.... but that doesn't excuse what they did in the past, or how it has impacted me, and it really hurts to watch people give up on me because I feel uncomfortable with them being around that person who hurt me.
I used to starve myself as a bad cooping mechanism but now I know the long term effects of with holding food from the body. Now I exercise and eat healthy as a good cooping mechanism it is very therapeutic for me and it gets my endorphins going and elevates my spirit. Along with that I journal📔to as another cooping mechanism. It helps with getting my thoughts💭together.
Emotional trauma is extremely difficult to explain: But going through therapy- I was asked not to make a decision yet- for their well-being. I just need to be clear that staying is for many reasons- and I am stunned by the question why did you stay. I stayed because I was asked to while my partner went through therapy- I hope you take everything into consideration when having these discussions
I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for ten years. I left last week and the aftermath is so hard to overcome. I had no idea how much damage was done. I have NEVER been this torn apart. It feels like it’s never going to end😢
Just FYI : sexual abuse is almost always denied, toned down, the victim is seen as guilty of the abuse they went through, it is almost never recognized as abuse. Most sexual abuse involve partner violence and most of the people I went to for advice about being raped by a partner, told me that I was making stuff up, that it was my fault, mocked me, told me that it would stop if only I had more sex with my rapist partner. Including my then-therapist, who told me to stay with my abusive partner because, said he, I was unable to care for myself. Others told me that my incestuous family "had the right" to do what they did because family and that I basically belonged to them. Sexual violence is NOT something as simple as bruises and broken bones.
Yeah, and the police do that too. Sarcastically you could say there's no point to go to the police after being raped unless you also have broken bones or bruises... :(
its been years since i was with my ex and im still feeling the effects, low self esteem, self hate and serious trust issues. just taking each day as it comes
I just got dumped, and I really do not understand why. He said he was so happy with me and I was so happy with him. The only 'reason' he gave was that he missed to experience new things together, but I don't understand that this small issue is so big for him that he would throw away this amazing relationship we had. It is really hard to overcome.
i'm in a situation where i ran from my trauma instead of fully processing it, starting a relatively successful business on my own, and decided as a choice not to date. This year I met someone special and the trauma in my otherwise comfortable life is rearing its ugly head and causing turbulence. I find it incredibly difficult to open up to people on an emotional level. I get easily frustrated and want to cut everyone out just for some peace. That's not how you get it though, that's just external. Tomorrow I'm going on a journey into my inner realms to do some deep work.
Fortunately, my partner has been an amazing support. He's helped me through a lot of my traumatic outbursts and has been a safe person for me. He never uses my "weak" moments against me, and just let's me talk through things. He asks "therapist questions" like: well why did you feel that way, etc. But aside from his help... I express my pain through art, push myself out of my shell through music, and work towards being a more genuine me. I have good days and bad days, and I'm gentle with myself when it's bad. I recognize my worst moments and defer to my partner to help with my child so that I may step away from the situation and reset. I don't ever want to treat my son badly because of my own hurt. I walk more, craft more, angry clean more, do the dishes.... anything with my hands that can give me a physical result of catharsis. I speak my mind in the safety of my partner or my best friend (I can't afford therapy), and i work towards knowing what is real and what is a reaction based on my own insecurities and my Shadow. Healing is not linear. I have good days and bad days. But the fact is that I am trying to be the best version of me that I can be. And that means accepting that my bad days are a part of me, and to realize when I'm in "bad day" mode. In those days, i need to make sure that my bad day doesn't hurt those around me. Thank you, Mended Light, for assisting me on my journey. I was in a dark spiral for so long, and you're helping reaffirm that my positive steps aren't a facade.
That is very true. However I think the point is that with physical and sexual abuse there's proof that can be seen by the abuser, the victim, and others outside the abuse. Help and rescuing can be offered quickly, with clear lines of real and fake. With mental and emotional abuse there is no visible proof. A victim can be wounded just for crying for help because others don't believe them without proof. A victim can also wound themselves by questioning if the abuse is real because they have no proof to show themselves.
I also cannot agree with the slogan 'emotional abuse can be even worse'. The thing is, physical abuse is always at the same time also emotional abuse. So, physical abuse is essentially emotional abuse with extensively more brutal tactics. The aim of it is to hurt you emotionally, through the physical pain or injury. And if it includes fearing for your life, then that is definitely an added trauma compared to verbal assaults that do not make you physically afraid (although sometimes emotional abuse can include threats that can also make a person afraid for their life, even if no physical abuse materializes). For example, I have recently had two injuries - a fractured rib from falling while playing paintball, and a huuuuge bruise from a bike accident when I collided with another biker because we were both looking at police trying to calm down a couple of drunk bums who had gotten into a fight. Both are funny stories, despite having pain, and the damn rib making my life difficult for a whole two months. There was no trauma from these events, I am happy to ride my bike and play paintball again. However, if the exact same injuries had been caused by a partner attacking me, then my reaction would be HUGELY different, and I would definitely have psychological trauma. The physical attacks are meant to demean and humiliate, they carry the message that you're worthless, and they also have the aim to make you afraid and thereby control you. The only situation where you can say 'emotional abuse is worse' is maybe if the physical attack was a random one-time attack, and it is being compared to longer term emotional abuse by someone who is close to you. In that case yeah, I would choose getting beaten in a street once by a stranger, over being emotionally abused long term at home.
but they can fade into a scar that have no effect on you anymore but remains to remind you of your past that you have left behind It is up to you how you look at it
I spend a good part of my childhood beeing bullied and relentlessly teased by my peers, which was mostly written off as ,,kids beeing kids" by the adults in my life mostly my teachers and I never told my parents the full extent of it because the teachers already didn't do much to stop the bullying so my 7 year old brain though ,,well if the teachers don't believe me, why should my parents believe me then" my experiences were always minimised and that made me feel like what I went through was not important cuz it's not uncommon, so I kept quiet about it and the bullying lasted until I decided to fight back on my own and the worst part was when the kids would provoke me until I reacted and when I would reach my limit and react they would say ,,Why are you so aggressive all of a sudden Natasha?" And those words would enrage me even more, just adds fuel to the fire, nowadays I still have a short temper and even tho I've gotten much better at controlling it I decited to start going to therapy to properly process everything I've been suppressing and ignoring for far too long
So I'm currently dealing with an extremely toxic workplace and every time I get ready to quit something happens like we suddenly get burried in work or a bunch of other people leave the company so I say to myself or others "I can't leave now... they need me... I feel guilty" all the while I find myself falling deeper and deeper into depression and what you said at 6:20 really hit home with that.
I have an issue with the "hurt people hurt people" idea. I was in an abusive marriage for 27 years. Name a category of abuse and I experienced it. I was deeply hurt during my marriage, and have been diagnosed with betrayal trauma and CPTSD. Guess what, I don't hurt, abuse, or manipulate people. Saying that abusers harm others because they are hurting lets them use that as a cop out and a pathetic excuse to not take responsibility for their bad and abusive behavior. Hurt people can develop extra compassion and empathy, and not perpetuate abuse. Hurt people hurt. Abusers hurt people.
If you look at abusers, almost every single one has been abused as a child pretty much. If you look at children who were abused though, plenty of us do not grow up to become abusive. It's only a subset who become abusers. I think it's important for therapists to realize the humanity of abusers since sometimes their clients are abusing others and the therapist needs to help them stop. It's important in order to possibly help to acknowledge the pain the abusers went through too and that they're triggered and traumatized. But it doesn't make any of it okay. It's not "an excuse", merely a fact that they're hurt. But it's more important to stop them continuing to perpetuate harm.
I have a hard time coping still even though it's been a couple years. I am extremely paranoid and fear being out in public alone. I know that I am most likely safe but I can't shake the feeling that he is going to come after me. I am in a very healthy happy relationship now which helps. I just feel hopeless sometimes that this feeling of being unsafe will never go away.
Can you please address emotional abuse from platonic friends? Even that it happens so it feels less lonely would be awesome, I know I am not the only one but it is still hard.
I saw a crisis counselor for a year and joined a support group. I still go once a week to group counseling. And have a personal sponsor that I can talk to.
Thank you for this! I experienced emotional abuse as a preteen/teenager from an authority figure, but everything you said is just as true. Still need therapy to deal with issues, but have come along way. I'm really glad you're explaining to people what it is and that it's just as bad as physical abuse.
With my daughter, I’m still stuck in the “it must be me”. Guilt, shame, loss, confusion, blame and sorrow. I know I didn’t but still blame myself. Such a hard thing to heal from. Don’t know that I ever will. Just kind of a “live life with the pain” type of thing.
Sometimes safe places feel the most terrifying. Like, my brain will panic and be like, “okay, which closet has the zombies in it?” Like, it has trouble believing it IS safe. And honestly it’s hard to know what to do in a safe place. Like, what do you mean I don’t need to be constantly glancing at the door or exit or preparing to jump up and run? It’s so weird.
We have to learn to control our thoughts, and our brain. I love Jody Moore Be Bold. Many of us did not learn emotional intelligence. Jody and her coaches teach the latest neuro science findings and why it matters to question our brains. We have an upper and lower brain. We can't let our toddler brain - lower brain - be in charge. A lot of us have never learned how to get out of fight, flight, freeze. Jody helps so much! I subscribe to her podcasts. For the price of 1 therapy visit, there is unlimited listening and learning each month. Remember, thoughts are optional!
Something that I am doing to overcome the trauma that I have been through, is learning that I can take ownership of my emotions surrounding those events. I was physically and emotionally abused my childhood, and emotionally abused by my ex fiance. After my ex (not fiance) broke up with me this year, I saw that I wasn't taking ownership of how I was responding to my emotions. By that, I mean that I don't let my emotions take ownership of me. But I accept my emotions, and learn to respond to them in a more holistic approach.
I ended a toxic relationship just over a year ago because the way I was being treated wasn’t okay and I wasn’t going to take it anymore, but I still cared about him and hoped we could remain on good terms but It didn’t happen. Then I found out he committed suicide recently and the guilt and sadness I feel, is hard to explain since we haven’t spoken in a year. I know it’s not really related to the video but I just wanted to get this out here.
Hannah: 1. His suicide had nothing to do with you. 2. Cheers to you ending a toxic relationship. 3. You hoped you could remain on good terms with him....us women bend over backward to do the best, think the best, keep things nice....sometimes we just have to let people go. The end. I look back at my younger self and know I was way way way too worried about OTHERS while not knowing the first thing about myself. Just saying. I'm so sorry about this. Life will get better. I recommend Jody Moore Be Bold.
Tried to love my ex through his childhood trauma and abuse, hoping he would learn how to love me in return. Our relationship was based around me playing therapist for him. I was emotionally abused the whole time, never got better. After 5 years together I found out he cheated and I left. Just now realizing he was a narcissist and reading books to deal with that. I've been single for 3 years since the breakup. Just never feel ready to try again. Spent 2 years realizing and healing my codependency habits. Now working on the healing from narcissistic abuse. Time to get health insurance and go back to therapy.
I was really excited to watch this video but most of it was just talking about trauma & emotional abuse generally, with only some quick tips on how to overcome it smooshed into 90 seconds at the end :( would have loved if the video focused on the "overcoming" part for the majority of the video
I know the relationship needs to end, but unfortunately I have more sympathy for everyone else than myself. He's definitely emotionally abusive because of prior traumas, but says he will have no place to live and he might **** himself if I don't let him continue staying in my house and acting as his girlfriend. I HAVE actually mustered up the courage to tell him I want it to end and asked him to leave at least 3 times now, but after outbursts of anger and sadness he strangely goes back to acting like nothing has changed. Then I'm too confused and exhausted to be any more forceful about it, which would probably lead to a lot more yelling and my things getting broken. Currently planning to try to make it through the holidays then try a 4th time in January.
I sincerely hope you have managed to make this guy leave by now. That kind of shit is manipulative to an EXTREME degree and you really need to get rid of someone who emotionally blackmails you like that. Do NOT let him make you responsible for his emotional or situational stability, things will only go from bad to worse
in my experiance abusers are usally the ones to try to persuade others that its the victums falt. i still have no idea what i like or what and where im going, but im not to worried i still have a few issues to deal with, i will remember when i can cope with it
This is not couples therapy question, but in a way touches on it... What happens when a child is emotionally traumatized by a parent? How do we recognize the signs in the child? I don't mean to compare traumas, but there is obviously a different dynamic between parent/child and partner relationships. Harm is harm, hurt is hurt, and how each person responds to emotional trauma will be different. I just want to know what the differences are (if there are any), and how we can look for them in children who may not have either the vocabulary, the support, or the validation they need to understand what's going on so that they can get help they need.
It's more family therapy, but if a parent is emotionally abusive to their partner, what stops them from doing that to their child? And how can we help the other parent be aware that their child is truly suffering & that they shouldn't disregard or dismiss what's going on?
"Hurt people hurt people" is a cheap cop-out in my opinion. A lot of people have gone through previous trauma, like from a parent and not all of them are abusers. If anything some people are so disgusted with that behaviour, that they never want to put another human through that. I am like that myself. The cold truth is that having empathy for the abuser only leads to them taking advantage of you again. There comes a point where they take it too far and the empathy gets drained. With that said, thank you for talking about this, it's very important.
ANYONE not just humans. Everyone worth the same! Exactly! They do NOT deserve empathy since that person who ONCE deserved the empathy was killed by the abuse and the person has become and empty sell of hate. They are not that person anymore therefor have no reason to get empathy.
I watched a movie recently called Herself, and it's about a woman's attempt to leave her abusive husband and start her own life. At one point during a custody hearing, an attorney asks her why she waited so long to leave (trying to discredit her claims of abuse), and she responded with a statement that has resonated with me ever since: "Everyone keeps asking me why I didn't leave, but no one is asking him why he didn't stop."
Abusers need to be held accountable for their actions, not their victims
Ooh, yes, that is so poignant. The victim blaming is so steep, it's astounding. No one is questioning the abusers. Most can't wrap their heads around how difficult, even dangerous it is to leave. Unfortunately the world we live in.
That is 100% the best point on this ever.
The abused will often try so hard to change to get them to stop. And yet they keep on abusing.
"Why did you stay so long?" is one of the most hurtful thing I've heard. Like it's my fault somehow for getting and being in a trapping situation.
It’s the same as, “If you’re drowning why don’t you just get out of the water?”
Because We’re DROWNING.
@@victoriasmees5625 "if you're drowning, why don't you just go order a life line online?"
How would you’ve prefer people ask to you about your experience?
What did you want to hear from them?
May know someone in a similar situation - very easy to be frustrated , especially when they’d shut you out because of it.
@@thelouisjohnson That isn't asking about your experience. By asking that question, you are judging them instead of learning and empathizing.
@@atheon596 You misread my tone. It's not one of judgement, but of curiosity.
I see you putting your arm around your wife when she was talking about her past marriage. I see you supporting her. Well done, Jono.
I stayed in an abusive relationship for too long because I thought I could help him, because I knew a lot of his issues came from his childhood. Until I realized that I couldn’t help him if he wasn’t willing to change, but he could tear me apart. One of my reasons for leaving him was realizing I never wanted kids with him(and I very much wanted children) because I didn’t want to put someone else through what I was going through. And then I realized I had value, too, and I didn’t deserve this type of person in my life.
That was over a decade ago and despite being happily married now to someone else, I still feel like I’m recovering from it….
Are you me? I’m so sorry you went through that. Realizing that I didn’t want to subject potential children to my ex-husband was a big part of why I left, too. I’m glad you left and that you’re in a better place. I hope the rest of your life is full of beautiful moments with people who value you.
Thank you for sharing your experience and I'm sorry that it happened to you...I didn't know it was such a common thing.
My previous toxic relationship ended after 9 years, (I was 26, he was 29 and people started asking if we wanted to have kids), I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids, but I was sure I didn't want him to be my potential children's father...Then I realized that if I wanted to protect my imaginary children from him, maybe I needed to protect myself from him too.
I mean, if they're not good enough for potential people, than they're not good for real people too.
@@ondineatdawn5272 thank you, I’m glad you got out too! ❤️
@@LuciferDoll I’m so glad you got away from him. I hope your future relationships treat you with love and respect ❤️
Thank you for sharing 🥺 the guilt i feel for not being over the abuse is so hard. My partner struggles to understand why i still ruminate and am not "over it".
Understanding that you’re in a safe place now can be very hard to cope with. The feelings of not being worth the time and energy to heal can sometimes stop the progress. I remind myself a lot that I am worth more than what has happened to me. I deserve happiness and healing. I hope others can too.
You worth 1000 times more as what your pathetic abuser tries to tell you!
What happened to you is 100% their fault not yours!
I wish you a happy and safe life!
Almost every time I speak about the emotional abuse I've experienced I start going through another cycle of self doubt, because I hear what I'm describing and it doesn't sound as horrifying as the experience made me feel and still makes me feel. Almost without exception that cycle of self doubt starts, as I start assuming that the other person is already dismissing me even if they don't say it. Woo lingering effects of gaslighting
Exactly! I made that experience, too =(
It always feels kind of "ridiculous" to talk about my issues when you can't bring up the hard stuff like rape, physical violence, being cheated etc. So I tend to underplay from the beginning and that doesn't help to make the point ...
SAME. It makes it even harder to heal when you're not even allowed to feel or name the hurt someone caused you. It's so horrible to feel so traumatized but then also be like well maybe I'm overreacting and it was nothing but also I cry 3x a day and have to disassociate because it's so painful. Ugh.
Oof, this hit different. Felt a lot of that. It's taken years to remind myself that just because it doesn't hurt as much now doesn't invalidate or minimise the abuse. I call it what it was.
I know right? You are not alone! Those are NOT your thoughts. Those are thoughts that the abusers put inside your mind! Ignore them! Know that your feelings are VALID!
People do not suffer by free will. It is always because of a reason!
@@NatalieZii I know right? It is disgusting and ridiculous to make a person think that enduring such horrible abuse that causes abnormal and dangerous thought like self harm or worse is "over reacting" It makes my blood boils and to make it even worse people who are ot necessarily means harm to you can unintentionally pushes these thoughts further
Example:
My father is a sociopathic narcissist who constantly emotionally abused me though out my life, mocked my past trauma of child sexual abuse and even molested me himself
But my mother is brainwashed by him, also have a horrible background of her stepfather molesting her and instead of admitting that she have trauma and seek help and healing from it often lets my dad push her around, put her down and have the audacity to even try to defend his temper against me when i bring it up and that how much it hurts
I even told her that i did not feel like living sometimes and when she awakes from this delusion she 100% understands and agrees with me but at the next time i bring awareness to the same abuse she makes an excuse like "oh that is just your father, he can not help it" or unintentionally gaslight such as "he might be rough but he loves you so much"...Like what the actual Hell? I am so done with this! I am not a toy that people can punch to release stress!
Sorry about the rant!
Either way i will cut off most of my family members as soon as i get out of this Hell.
It is about time to start to live MY LIFE at the age of 30
I've never clicked on a video so fast.
same ❤
"Fun" fact: I was married to a narcissist who was gaslighting me for 18 years! Watching various therapists on UA-cam who seemed to know my life, I recently came to realize that I was treated that way by half of my family, so I was drawn into the familiar situation.
I'm now divorced and homeless, but it's better than being in that nightmare. I'm slowly getting my various 💩together. Thank you for being a part of my (and so many others') healing. Blessings to you and yours. 🙏❤🏳🌈
Wishing you all the luck and happiness in the world. I'm glad you came out of that situation
@@sofialuna6210 thank you.
You know it's bad when homeless is better than in the marriage and with the family. Well done on literally everything you've achieved
@@takealilpill347 thank you.
Wow, such a courageous decision ! I wish you all the luck in the world.
I am currently in an emotionally abusive relationship. We have been married for 9 years and have 2 children, 7 & 5 years old.
I’m a stay at home mom. Very easy going and a people pleaser. My husband is very Type A personality. Facts are more important than feelings. I have learned to not share my feelings with him because he constantly invalidates how I feel. I asked to go to couples’ counseling because I was started to burn out. I was crying and desperate and he said if therapy would make me happy he would go with me. I was relieved and then let it go until a day later. When I broached the subject of therapy again he said “You really wanna go to therapy?! Fuck no! I didn’t think you’d actually want to go to Therapy. I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong with me. You are the one with problems!” My health just started deteriorating. Constant headaches that had me bedridden. He works and I stay at home with the kids. I do everything with the kids. He comes home every day on his lunch break and expects me to make his lunch. It’s so hard because I never get a break. When I try to say I need a break or I’m stressed he proceeds to tell me if I woke up before everyone else I could have quiet time. I should make the children mind better. Make them play outside more. If I just kept things more organized at the house then I wouldn’t be constantly cleaning and stressed by messes.
After he gave me a 30 minute lecture of how great my life is and how I don’t do anything to contribute to this family other than sleep in and go swim with the kids like I’m on vacation every day while he busts his ass at work I said “All I wanted was a hug and for you to tell me that you love me and you hope my day will get better” or any other variant of supporting statements.
“So I should baby you and tell you what you want to hear instead of giving you some constructive advice on how to improve your life? Yeah, ok.”
I asked for counseling to work on our communication because I said I’m not trying to compete for who has the harder life. I know you work hard in this heat and I’m grateful for that. All I want is some compassion. If you would come to therapy with me, we could learn to communicate better. “Im not going to therapy. I don’t NEED therapy! YOU are the one with problems and obviously, therapy isn’t even working for you! So why are we even paying for it?!”
I’m waiting until my kids start back to school so I can get a job and start saving money to file for a divorce.
His father treats his mother the same way, and I see now if I don’t get out my sons will think this is normal and treat their future partners the same way. The cycle stops with me.
I'm so proud of you for saying the cycle stops with you, but you've got some rough days/weeks/months ahead when you file for divorce. You can do it. If you stay you will BELIEVE the crap he is telling you about yourself. Been there, done that, never regretted leaving.
I'm so glad you have a plan to get out! Idk if you have an YWCA near you (or a similar organization) but they're very helpful for women with kids who are looking for a way out of an abusive situation (they help with shelter, childcare, resume writing and job finding). Best of luck 🍀
💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞
Woah. I just want to validate that this is not a healthy relationship and he definitely 100% has problems. I'm glad you plan on divorcing, especially as he refuses to change. I know it will be so painful but attachment is not the same thing as healthy love and caring.
I don't know how you're doing now, but I hope you're closer to getting out, if not already there. I am SO proud of for being brave enough to stop that cycle before it hurts even more people, and I wish you the best on your healing journey. God bless.
It clicked when the lady in the video said "I decided to leave because I wanted to be the best of myself, but I didn't feel like I could do that by staying in it." It might be really simple, like it's almost part of the definition of trauma. But it took me so long to realise how much I internalised the verbal abuse by not believing that I made the right choice for myself to leave. After leaving my abusive ex, I quitted smoking and picked up workout, and most of the things in my life is going well. But I still very much going through flashbacks at many unexpected moments in my life, so much so that I started to categorise those emotions triggered by the flashbacks and trying to come up with reminders to say to myself when they occur. Thanks for sharing the fact that "It is because your body and your mind know you're safe that they begin to address the trauma". Now I know that I made the right choice and walking on the right path now :) Wish all the survivors best of luck and congratulations to your breakups :)
❤ this was helpful. sometimes I have felt shame because things come up and I say wow...and I stayed after that incident. but I've been focusing on forgiveness for me.
It’s also because the emotional abuser is trying to get a reaction from you so you end up being the reactive individual. The manipulator knows how to calm down once they trigger you so the person being abused emotionally escalates while the manipulator calms down.
Or it’s behind closed doors... when no one else is around to hear it.
Exactly
This is where I'm at now. I was always very chill and slow to anger and even dealt with/expressed my anger well (most of the time at least), but after years of slowly worsening emotional abuse now I've turned into a person I don't recognize, responding to his yelling with my own.
I thought I was the only one who went through this 😢. I became the worst version of myself and finally decided to move out and separate. And now I'm the one who couldn't talk about things to make the relationship better. I'm the one who moved out just because it was easier for me. And I am the one who broke the trust and needed therapy for my anger. While what I went through has been minimized to they spoke with an upset tone. But they had to to get me to act like a decent person. It's so frustrating and disheartening
Biggest change I've learned through therapy is allowing myself time to process situations and emotions.
E.g. If you went to the gym n did a workout n were physically tired from it you wouldnt get upset that u needed that time to rest and recover. But we do get overly critical internally like that with our emotions.
That was a game changer for me.
I’m going to grab that book. I left an emotionally abusive relationship of 14 years a year and a half ago. Weirdly, he still calls me for the advice, support and guidance I provided him with when we were still together. I am moving across the country to get away from him. Thankfully, I have a great therapist who has experience with narcissistic abusers and trauma. I still wonder sometimes if I took everything wrong like he said I did; he denies he was abusive. The hard part for me are the “echo” relationships and friendships with people who are similar to my ex, but not quite as bad. I hope I can grow and become emotionally healthy enough to attract relationships/friendships that are supportive and encouraging.
You can start with yourself. YOU can be that positive, supportive, encouraging person for you and in fact you will want and need to be for the rest of life. Stephanie Lynn has great UA-cam content on this issue of growing your value to yourself, for yourself - even today you can remind yourself you have value and deserve kindness, considerate, support and respect (and especially starting with you). Stephanie Lynn says that after building up our value to ourselves and treating ourselves with genuine kindness and compassion and knowing what we want, need and don't want and don't need in others, we'll get good at not accepting and choosing the people who aren't good for us. Stephanie Lynn also has stuff about teaching others how to treat you, assertiveness, etc that I found helpful. I used to think standing up to bullies would enrage them even more but it's actually the opposite - they shrink and turn tail super fast - I actually enjoy it now because it's so funny to watch how they react when the tables turn on them. I'm still decent and civil, but I'm assertive and straightforward and don't let them take advantage of me.
Other channels I like are Patrick Teahan, Therapy in a Nutshell and Put the Shovel Down. Their content on healthy boundaries is also especially good. I think Mended Light has some good vids on that too.
I've had a past of abusive exes who are men. What's helped me is just joking around with safe, healthy, good men. Every time I want to start hating *all* men, I remember a male friend who had a laugh with me. I now have a hand full of guy friends who I know only look at me in the friend zone and who I've been honest with... I shared my honesty thinking they would back away (like so many have before) but it backfired on me. They might not have had wise words to say to me but they stayed. They weren't scared off because they really are my friends. That means more to me than any of them would know. Actions speak louder than words. They really do.
My experience in healing from emotional abuse has taught me the importance of a wide network of support. I had the most growth and healing when I was meeting with a therapist, a psychiatrist, and had a large group of close friends and family to lean on. It takes a lot of work and vulnerability to build that network, but I wouldn't have gotten anywhere near where I am now without them.
Have you ever heard of the horror video game Among The Sleep? It takes place from the perspective of a toddler who is trying to hide and evade these monsters that he encounters in these little worlds full of glass bottles, forests, playgrounds and closets. At the end of the game, it is revealed that all the monsters he sees are really his mom who is an alcoholic and became scary when she drank. The whole game is really just a toddlers perspective on abuse. You should see it and give your perspective on its message.
Not sure if you've done a video already or not. Could you discuss how to be with someone who's been in an abusive narcissistic relationship moving into a healthy one. I've been trying to get familiar with triggers and projecting for my person who's last relationship was awful. I know about creating a safe space, which I've done and he's aware of that. I know the healthy relationship after the toxic one is the hardest one. So any help would be greatly appreciated!
That would be a good one. I second this idea.
@@ElliciaDawn I third. Unless it's already happened. I know I'm a little late.
@@IhaveALLtheavocados I don't think it has. Not from what I've seen, anyway.
God helped me, he showed me that i am loved, chosen, adopted, snd cherished. He gave me the strength and comfort to set boundaries, ask for help, and get doctors and counselors. He gave me the chance to show mercy and compassion, not for that persons benefit, but for my own peace before that person died. He helps me to learn and grow even though i have struggles and all my coping mechanisms got destroyed during covid. I still have health issues, ADHD, and some pain, but, i have grown. I am learning what I like and don't like, actually. I am learning how to claim my own space and make it my own. I am learning to care for myself like I care for others. I am speaking up more often. My counselor challenged me to protect my self like I naturally protect others.
I have a question/video suggestion:
First some backstory: I have CPTSD from being emotionally and mentally abused in my biological family. On my wedding day I had to cut one parent and a sibling out of my life because they refused to stop hurting me.
It's been 3 years since, and while I've healed a lot, I still get triggered and question reality.
My husband was raised in a very loving home with healthy relationships. While he believes me when I say what I've been through and he supports me in healing, and therapy, and the boundaries I've set (cutting my parent and sibling out of my life) he doesn't know how to help me in the middle of a trigger. He doesn't know how to get through to me and convince me that I'm safe and in the present. And I don't know how to help him help me either.
My question/video suggestion is: What are some ways for the spouse, of someone who has been abused, help them through a trigger or a flashback? Especially when trauma is new territory to the spouse.
I’m not a therapist, but my ex-wife has CPTSD and I’ve done a lot of research in hopes of understanding her situation. Safety is crucial; it sounds like some support in your corners might be a good thing. Find support groups, find a couples counselor, read books. You both need to start somewhere, but you have the right idea about safety.
When you’re in a trigger or flashback, he needs to know that the situation is in your control. It’s very much on your timeline. If he needs to provide comfort, try to communicate that. If he needs to give you space, try to communicate that. I think it might be best if he prompts you with something like, “Do you need comfort? Do you need space? Do you need water?” It’s about trying to ground you in the present. This is what has worked for me, but both of you need to get some strategies in place before the trigger happens.
When the flashback or trigger subsides, talk about what happened. He sounds like he would be empathetic, so give him the space to empathize and help each other come up with ways to keep you grounded when you do go into that hijacked state. Don’t do this while you’re in the flashback or trigger, wait until afterwards.
Also, read The Body Keeps the Score. That book is excellent. Truly excellent. It’s a long and heavy read, but it is so worth it. I also found “Loving Someone with PTSD” to be very helpful when I was starting in my quest for understanding.
@@mistermarkeys thank you, your advice is very meaningful and helpful to me. ❤️
I'm currently reading The Body Keeps Score, I will definitely look into the other book for my husband.
Thank you again.
honest question: why would you bother with a relationship with someone who doesnt understand trauma? im single and struggling with this question myself. i can no longer stomach explaining how i got hurt by people who were supposed to help me. i cannot imagine having to work so hard for that broken part of me to be understood and accepted by a significant other. i just assumed i can only be with someone who’s been through it. being with someone who doesnt understand would be triggering for me in itself. maybe you should be with someone who understands that deep part of you?
@@anju8376 I used to think the same thing, I dated guys who had also been through trauma, and in the end I wouldn't recommend that.
The trouble with trauma is that it's so unique to every individual, both in the experience and the lasting effects. So when you date someone who's also been traumatized you have to take the risky gamble of being right 3 times. Once: they will understand your trauma, Twice: you will understand their trauma, Three Times: neither of you will compete for most trauma because you're both heading in a healing direction.
As much as the phrase "hurt people hurt people" grates on my every nerve, I have found it to be true in trauma/trauma relationships. When I was in those relationships it always came to a point where I felt like the light was snuffed out and I had no choice but to be broken and trapped forever.
My husband and I were friends before we started dating and the thing that stood out to me the most with him is he believed me about everything, I didn't have to prove my trauma to him.
Also, in my situation being traumatized by my family, I hoped the day would come when I was strong enough to stop being their puppet but I knew if that day ever did come they would disown me. I knew I would be alone, and traumatized, and the trauma would wear me down, and eventually I would go back to them, like a kicked puppy, just so that I could have family.
But my husband, having such a healthy relationship with his family, and they completely accepting me as family before he and I were even married, I finally saw the light - for the first time I had hope that I could heal from my trauma and it wouldn't define my life.
His healthy family dynamic taught me what healthy dynamics are, and I was able to attempt implementing those dynamics in my own family as I developed boundaries.
Back then I didn't want to cut my family out, I wanted all of us to heal and be a family forever. And it worked for my dad and me! But I lost my mother and sibling, something that breaks my heart to this day.
Having only ever been in the midst of trauma I didn't know that being cut off from it would come with triggers.
As the therapist's wife, in the video above, brought up - triggers happen when our body knows that we're in a safe place to process the trauma. I didn't know that that was going to happen so this part is as new to me as it is to my husband.
Long story short, my husband taught me how to be healthy in ways I never would have learned by staying in a relationships that only ever knew trauma. Having someone balance you in a relationship helps you become the person you want to be. So I hope that you find someone who balances you, keeps you steady, believes you and believes in you. And in that balanced way learn together, how to be the best for your partner and how to bring out the best in your partner.
I'm sorry your family members are manipulative and gaslight-y. I wanna know if in previous relationships would you have self-sabotaging tendencies?
Thank you for talking about how traumatic is emotional abuse. I felt in my own experiences how people underestimate its effect.
When I spoke up about my childhood with narcissistic mother, still I could have the response “but she’s your mother” or “I hope you will be in good relationship with her in the future”.
When my goal was to heal myself, I heard that I should focus on our relationship.
I was hurting even more because my traumatic experience wasn’t perceived as serious.
Therapy helped me to heal it and to return myself my identity❤
I'm proud of you. Well done working to heal.
@@IhaveALLtheavocados thank you 😊
This hit me hard, because mostly everything you said has happened to me.
I've been in an abusive relationship for about 3 years and I've been accused of every single bad moment or thing that happened. And I felt responsible, mostly because I'm a 6'3' man with decent privileges and a healty background and she was this small woman, orphan, who struggled her whole life, so... "how can she be the bad guy?" I thought.
The truth is she followed the abusive partner's guidebook every single step of our relationship.
First she love-bombed me, then she took me away from my family and friends, saying I did not need the, because I had her.
I became a tool, something to use to achieve her goals in life.
It's been 3 years since I actually left her and, honestly, I'm still scared of meeting her again. I've developed a decent amount of anxiety, everytime I feel things are going fine I expect something to go wrong sooner or later.
I'm in a new healty relationship now, but I can still the effects of the previous one, but fortunately my partner understands, having being in a similar situation.
I'm sorry this happened to you. You made the right decision to leave.
@@alicemakarevich6762 thanks, it took a while to get where I am.
Of all the people that say they are recovering from being the one to end the relationship, it's importance to recognize us who weren't the person who ended it. Its a worse position to be in I think, since you bent over backwards so long and extremely that when they leave they act like the healthy partner leaving when it doesn't suit them anymore while looking at you with disdain for compromising yourself (which reminder that they engineered). You don't even recognize how you got that desperate, and you were a strong person before. They call you inconsiderate when the only way you could internalize these things is by being considerate (that maybe you are not perfect/unaware of some flaws and could be better). Yet you never made the decision that these were wrong/false, unlike those who left. So not only do you deal with internalization, you don't even have the pride that you chose a point to stop. Its hard to draw the boundaries between what you would or wouldn't consider for someone "if you really loved them", which they prey on. Plus the fake magnanimity on top that they are being gracious by having no hard feelings (which theres no reason they would), making you look bitchy for having hard feelings for the abuse. Which they will of course deny, claiming you chose to actually do/believe what they said (and of course they never would've been influenced by you [insinuating its because of strong morals that you lack, but in reality they just dont care enough]), and in spite of your words you are acting this way now because you just internally are an incurably bad person and always were.
Never regret being a good person to the wrong people. Your kindness says everything about you; their behavior says enough about them.
I wholeheartidly agree with you. You described what I feel into words. I completely identify with this as it was my experience. The magnanimity os what pissed me off the most because it's so hypocritical.
Recently out of a 7 year abusive relationship (majorly emotionally abusive) and I've been describing it as insidious. By the time I realised I was in an abusive relationship, I was in so deep and a lot of damage had already been done. I also voiced to my therapist that I wish I was hit; I wish that he beat me. Like you said in the video, it would've been a confirmation to me that it happened, instead of the constant doubt from the gaslighting. Still on the healing journey and seeing my therapist every week.
it's the victim shaming and self shaming for me. how did I let myself go through that? I am smart and strong but I let myself stay in that situation. also years of being told that I was to blame. He cheated because I wasn't good enough. I wasn't providing enough. He wouldn't have done that if I was better. I'm too weak to let whatever he does to me affects me. I am not strong enough or I don't love him enough to forgive or accept his behavior. all that blaming made me feel so not confident and I made myself believe that. still struggling after 3yrs of divorce.
Yes, the shaming never seems to end. It's been years since I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist, and I still have anxiety over "how did I let myself go through that?" I'm so hypervigilant about everyone and everything. If I didn't see the (glaringly obvious) red flags then, how can I trust myself not to fall for them again?
@@1marya. omg I'm so sorry. I feel you. now I have a huge trust issue amd hard to be vulnerable to especially men. sad
I go to the woods with my little lap harp and play for hours. After various traumas I've been living in YMCA supported living for 2 and a half years and in a refuge for a year before that. I'm about to move to my first permanent home in 5 years and will then be able to start EDMR therapy to try to heal and stop the triggers. i've found TRE (Trauma Release Exercises, diaphramatic breathing and 5 rhythems very helpful and would also recommend The Body Keeps Score book.
Writing is a great exercise to find again your own voice, after someone else's voice has been explaining to you how average and unimpressive you were. Also, the more I know on emotional abuse, the safer I feel.
As someone who was bullied massively in school (not physically, but with words) and a fanfiction writer: YES!! By writing I can define what I want in the future if I enter a relationship!
My very dear friend has said to me that she "married the wrong person" because her husband became an abusive and manipulative narcissist. He finally left her two years ago and has continued to emotionally abuse her every chance he gets. And although she says she knows that she's not to blame for what has happened in her life, when she says things she married the wrong person, it's obvious that she feels responsible. Fact is, when they were married 25 years ago, he wasn't abusive or manipulative. He, however, has given in to his narcissistic tendencies and has had a long-term affair with a woman who herself is a manipulative sociopath. In any case, my darling friend thinks that she should have known 25 years ago that he would have done this and therefore blames herself for marrying "the wrong person".
Thank you for these videos that help me understand what trauma and abuse does to a person so that I can be a better friend to her (and encourage her to continue therapy).
Everyone loved my dad, and he never laid a hand on me. However, he could not deal with my depression, anxiety, and introversion. He had the typical "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality, calling me lazy. So I drank to self medicate the introversion and anxiety. I'm 60 now, and still occasionally deal with anxiety if I feel like I'm not doing enough if I need a physical or emotion break. Thanks, Jonathan and Alicia.
Watching this video, as with many others, I realize I have been abusive to my ex-partner and my children, and I feel awful... I go to therapy and have been working on the c-ptsd and the issues that cause me to panic and snap sometimes (besides just being a breastfeeding mom in post-partum) ...but I mostly notice how immeasurably abusive HE has been to us and how I've turned "abusive" within the factor of response and defense to everything he is and has beein doing to me and my daughters.
I did stay too long, he makes everything my fault and it DOES feel like my fault... I know it (kinda?) isn't, but it was my choice to stay and bypass everytime, so I also feel like I deserved it?
Every time I've ended up with an abuser, I'm told they know how to choose their victims... so it feels like it's my fault for being "their type" and not being capable of changing that yet... and believe me, I'M TRYING. I've even wondered if there's a part of me that is completely unconsciously choosing this on purpose, definitely not consciously, but it does feel like my fault.
Edit: He's threatened me with taking our baby away from the beginning and for any reason (like me being tired after BIRTH) and finally this week he made a move reporting me with a bunch of false stories. Since I *have* been abusive, I wonder what I deserve or not, and what I could do.
I was told by many people, includong lawyers and therapists, that I should have been reporting him a long time ago, but I really didn't want to cause trouble. I hoped knowing he *could* (should) be reported would prompt him to treat us better, but he decided to turned things on me.
There's NO WAY on Earth they take my babies away or anything, because I am a very good mom, despite my anxiety attacks and snaps. I just don't understand how someone can play so hard at pushing and hurting their own family.
Anyone reading this, I'd want to ask you for a good wish, I'd appreciated it so much more instead of yet another judgement. Thank you 🙏
Thank you for your vulnerability and candor. Wishing good things and peace for you.
I stayed with both of mine, even though I knew they were a-holes, because "Oh but have some compassion, they're really hurting, they've been through X, imagine what that does to a person, deep down they're a good person, cut them some slack, I've had a good effect on them, if I just stay maybe my presence will make them change"
If you tell someone about what's going on, and they encourage you to have compassion for the abuser, that is for the abuser's benefit, not yours. I would argue it's a form of gaslighting. It's trying to encourage you to tolerate the behaviour and not feel the anger that you have every right to feel.
Sometimes it's hard to accept you were abused because you don't have the bruises to look at it. It took a year in therapy to finally fully believe it happened. I just kept say nooo I'm over reacting again, but that was just my programming talking. Even as a kid a knew something was wrong, but I couldn't explain it.
Therapy was how I got past it all. 3 years of cognitive behavioral therapy. It was a lot of work, but I have the tools to cope with most anything I encounter. Not always great at it, but I now give myself permission to fail at it too.
I was in an abusive relationship, where everything was always my fault. After it ended, a couple of our mutual friends took his side and said a lot of the things, you've mentioned here: "You're overreacting", "that's not what happened", "we don't think that's what HE thinks of it" etc. Which was honestly terrible, because it's just gaslighting the victim all over again. It was so bad that I actually thought of getting help from a crisis psychologist, but I still felt like that wasn't the answer. At the same time Covid happened and I had lost my job, so I had several parts of my life that needed fixing.
What helped me was focusing on my hobbies, which are music, writing and fitness. After a while I also took a few lessons in Krav Maga and had a couple of talks with specialized therapists (in relational behaviour). Now - two years later - I am in a steady, great job and I am (still) surrounded by my wonderful family and friends who stayed and helped me. I am also trying to find someone who is actually a good match, when it comes to dating - still in baby steps though. So if you feel like you have totally lost yourself (which I did) and you're in pain, try to get into the things, that used to make you happy. For me, it's my hobbies and the people close to me. It can truly be a life saver. ❤
Listening to slipknot helps me with the anger that doesn’t want to leave.. so many years of ignoring my anger towards my abuser has finally been let out.. but sometimes it feels uncontrollable
@@vihmaussivenitaja wow, that’s a heavy realization to discover. It’s when we have taken the necessary space away from the chaos where you realize you weren’t the problem or adding to it, just responding to the environment and it needed to be a response to not trigger the abuser. Thank you for sharing that with me. It sounds like you’re in a much better place now and that workout routine sounds like fun! I can’t believe it’s been 10 months since I’ve typed this comment. The anger has subsided and is under control, Im in a much better place now. The guilt about leaving comes now and then but I remember everything I was put through and feel that anger as a reminder of no more, not again.
Thankyou!! I have PTSD and survived. Bless you. Perfect timing, I just had a minute between counselor appt and going to run errands.
Emotional abuse via bullying for perpetually being the oddball in any given setting, and the urge is to self-blame is hard to resist sometimes. You see them treating everyone around you with more respect and dignity than they're treating you, and it's hard to not think "so.....it must be something _I'm_ doing wrong, right?" and start looking for things to change about yourself. But like you said, they're responsible for their own behavior. Just because they've picked you to target doesn't make it your fault, doesn't mean you're doing something to warrant it. I've been working on recovery and fortifying my sense of self, and what I find helps me is breaking down behaviors by responsibility. I ask myself direct, simple questions about incidents, almost just true/false at times. "Which things they said are hurting the most? Why? Did you actually do what they said?" I believe in not trying to rush through emotions, but I find inserting the logical perspective helps keep them from going out of control without invalidating what I'm feeling.
In that same way, I also find it helps to be the friend I know I'd be to someone else. Lean into my own strengths, but turn them inward. If someone were to relay these same troubles to me, I know I'd validate them and help them process, give them ideas for how to move forward. If I'd do that for people I care about, then I should absolutely be doing it for myself because obviously I should also care about myself. Like you said, you have to be the first person looking out for your emotional needs.
I survived, but have yet to heal from my abusive marriage. We have 3 kids (one of which is now an adult). Due to the fact that we are still connected by our kids he still continues to traumatize me and it's been incredibly difficult. How does one heal when they are still not out of the woods? It's been 12 years since I got away. I am now in an incredibly healthy and beautiful relationship with the man that will be my husband in a few months. He understands my cptsd since he has it too. I think it's so important to have the knowing support of someone that loves you and gets it. It helps enormously. It doesn't make it go away, but it's absolutely a start.
It is so hard to identify from inside the relationship. And even when I could see it, I rationalized it away and minimized it. I didn't know.
I know he was abused by his mother. I tried to help. I couldn't. I finally left but it took me over 10 years.
How am I addressing my emotional abuse and neglect? First, I ran away to the mountains like Elsa. Then I started therapy.
What you mentioned at about 11 minutes, about feeling like you've lost yourself...it's a very real feeling. I went through 3 horrifically abusive relationships, and 2 of them seemed like they were competing for who could be worse, honestly. And when I broke things off with the last one, which was the longest one, I was so lost. I was in the middle of undergrad, had just changed majors, was having a severe mental health crisis, and just in general felt like I had no anchor points. I had to work really hard to reestablish my anchors in life with my family and friends and hobbies and interests. And while everyone I know has validated my experience, and supported me, there's still this weird nagging memory of their gaslighting, making me feel like I was the one doing everything wrong. And it sucks. Especially when it pipes up during disagreements with loved ones now. I check in about tone and if things have been communicated and/or resolved in ways that satisfy all parties now. Which isn't bad but definitely a defense mechanism to prevent blow ups later.....
I'm still in middle of working through unearthed trauma, and so am still figuring out this whole healing thing.
For me, it's like my brain and body suddenly slam two pieces of knowledge together, and though it's stuff i could've said out loud before, it suddenly clicks. I suddenly get it, feel it, experience it - this thing was fucked up. This thing said to me was wrong, this behavior was neglectful and toxic. I cry and feel shock, and then like a burden is gone. The tricky part has been filling in the gaps left behind by removing the trauma pieces, and putting new ideas into practice.
I'm so grateful you said that emotional abuse is so hard to heal from. I've said for years that i wished my abuse had been more overt - actual insults and screaming - instead of the insidious version i got (and then i feel horrifically guilty every time i think or voice that; abuse is horrific regardless)
Thank you so much. It's very important to hear this. For so long I couldn't allow myself to admit that I was harmed, because he never did something obviously wrong (like cheating or beating). And I couldn't talk about it because I was afraid to hear that I shouldn't overreact or something. I couldn't stand up saying "He raped me" when he didn't because it was "my choice" to have sex with him. But ... well. It wasn't. Consent under pressure is no real consent. But he was so emotional abusive that I couldn't say no.
It was my first and only relationship. Twelve years later I still struggle. I can't trust people I do not know very very well, and I'm so afraid to let someone near because I never want to feel so miserable again. In the end of this "relationship" I didn't recognize myself anymore ... First my body broke, then my psyche.
This was just what I needed to hear right now.
I've been single for six years. SIX! Because of one relationship I had when I was a teenager. I can't do it anymore, I just can't!
I accepted my trauma, I take it as part of my life experience.
Do you know these renovation programs - "Love it or List it", "Extreme Makeovers" etc.? It's just like a bad house and I'm no civil engineer.
I get used to be sick but I realized this windy, wet room with mold inside walls was never for me in the first place. It's a room where nobody should live and even the shaggiest carpet won't help. But now I know why. Just like you doesn't know a dirtness before touching mold.
This doesn't mean that everything is rotten now. That was just bad investment where I didn't want my child grow up.
Next time I just need the real estate surveyor.
I still have nightmares about him even though I've been safe for nearly 4 years, and he never physically hurt me. I find that it is helpful to never mention this relationship to anyone who wouldn't understand, because it is so painful to not feel like my feelings and fears are validated. They'd be like, "but you must have loved him since you got married ", no, I don't think it was ever love at all, only manipulation on his part and weakness on mine. Thinking of physical contact with him or remembering his body makes me nauseous (and that's usually what my nightmares are about). How can I possibly explain to someone that I was married to someone who made me feel like that? It is better to just talk about it with a therapist, and anyone else doesn't need to know it happened.
I felt better once I realized I didn't really love HIM, I loved who I thought he was. I loved someone who I believed to be a caring person deep down, and I believed his fits of rage and cruel words were an anomaly, not something inherent to his personality. Understanding that this was an illusion and the caring person never existed has helped me a lot. Maybe this is a good way to explain it to others too - you simply believed the best of him, and believed his words. It was just you being kind and trusting, giving the other person the benefit of doubt.
What Alicia said at the 8 minute mark is the only reason I am glad for the relationship I was in with someone who was emotionally abusive. See my ex stays with a narcissist because he can provide for her financially. 🙄 My daughter's definitely learned from my example of drawing boundaries and ending the relationship when those boundaries were extremely disrespected.
you are not
whatever you achieve is the fruit of YOUR work, nobody else's
@@cosmicreef5858 I think you completely missed the point of my comment. Me being with a woman who was emotionally abusive, set the example to my daughters to set and maintain boundaries. I know they learned from my example of respecting yourself, rather than my ex's example of not. I am glad I was able to set the proper example.
I'm not sure where your comment fits as a reply to mine, unless you completely misunderstood every word of my comment.
There's a large school of thought in our culture that people are responsible for their own feelings; that no one can make you feel bad. That being hurt by someone's words is a bad choice or character flaw on your part. The old "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me." Yet emotional abuse is mostly done with words, and reinforced with "you're over reacting. Don't be so sensitive." How do you separate that out when addressing emotional abuse? How can you work on healing if you believe society's opinion that you did it to yourself? That the other person may have said a mean thing, but you personally chose to suffer?
I'd be really interested to learn how long each of Alicia's marriages lasted and how long in between each marriage. (Is there an acceptable time to wait between marriages? or an acceptable time to wait until deciding to get a divorce?) How quickly did she have her son after she married her first husband? How old was she when she first got married and does she think age was a factor in her decision to getting into that marriage (being too young). Thank you for sharing your experiences it really helps so many people.
I've got abandonment trauma from childhood and emotional abuse trauma from past relationships and struggle greatly with anxiety and depression as a result.
One of the only things that's helped me move forward (aside from therapy) has been realizing that there's no way I can control the actions of others and what happens around me. I used to spend so much time having anxiety over "if a doesn't happen, then b might not happen, and they we won't be ready when c arrives" and it put a large strain on my marriage. I can literally only control what I do... and I can ask my partner for what I need and it's up to them to do it or not. But, it's not a personal attack or a huge setback if they forget.
Giving some understanding and grace to them has helped me give those things to myself as well. Everyone is happier this way.
I really appreciate you talking about emotional abuse. It's a situation that I experienced all my childhood and I know it's very difficult to even get to the point where you can say "I was abused" and really believe it. Those relationships mark you. The person treats you well until there is something they don't like and suddenly they explode. They blame you for things, they criticize your intelligence, your values, your mental health... and if you do something wrong they say you do it on purpose just to provoke them. There comes a time when you doubt if you are really doing these things on purpose, you try to "get it all right" and you spend your life tiptoeing around it only to fail in the end. In my opinion it is the worst kind of abuse because you have no way to prove it and many times the abuser knows exactly what they are doing.
Add on physical abuse and undiagnosed BPD and you’ve essentially described my mum, it’s hard not to feel bitterness at others who clearly don’t have to carry the weight of that into adulthood, every day is a struggle for me :(
This comment helped me so much since it's a play by play of exactly what happened in mine. The worst is when there's 1 or 2 apparently valid criticisms mixed in, making the rest of it a game of "Were they really right about everything?" and "Were those 'valid points' just abuse too?" and not sure whether to correct yourself or not.
@@Menplzdonttalktome What I've learned is that while you can't cut these people out of your life, you can choose to distance yourself from them. It also helps a lot to know that you are not alone and that others tell you that it was not your imagination, what they did to you was wrong.
@@Xiassen I'm glad I helped, sometimes all we need is to hear from a third party about things that are happening to you to put it into perspective. Someone did that for me once and I'm so glad I did even a part of it for you. I'm sure you're an amazing person and you don't deserve anything you've been told.
abuse is abuse, all dangerous on the same level but in different ways
Physical abuse breaks your body-if it is not treated then it is fatal
Emotional/mental abuse breaks your mind and spirit-if it is not treated then it is fatal
No matter what kind of an abuse it is deadly and evil
People often fail to realize that you can NOT exist without missing any of your parts(soul, mind or body)
This was such a good topic to be frank, had a traumatic breakup 3 years ago and that LIVED with me like a ghost of my ex laying inside my head. I'll never forget the words she said a week after we broke up, she straight up told me ''The moment I let go of you. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders'' although I never wronged her and was always there as a supportive and did my best when it came to her, like hey what the hell have I done? Am I not enough? This made me feel like everyone felt like I was a bad influence and was never a good person to anyone which made me feel so insecure and unsafe. 3 years later I made peace with it and I wish my ex nothing but all the best. Regardless of that, thank you for the helpful talk John, I hope you and your wife have the best life together.
Cheers
EMDR therapy has done a lot for me. But, on a more general level, allowing myself to feel what I need to feel and talking openly with trusted people in my support network has helped more than anything. My belief in God has also allowed me to forgive and set healthy boundaries for myself. Having a higher power to turn the injustice over to is essential. I truly appreciate the validation this video offers for those who have experienced emotional abuse. I stayed for so long, in part, because I didn't know I had a right to leave. I thought he was just really rude - perhaps even emotionally cruel. It wasn't until I learned about emotional abuse that I realized his behavior had far more than crossed a line and I was within my rights to protect myself and my children by leaving. As mentioned in the video, I, too, left (in part) to set an example for my children that certain behaviors are unacceptable. They should not treat others that way nor accept such treatment from others. I didn't hate my ex. In fact, I loved him very much, but in the end the loving thing to do was to show him that his behavior was wrong and would result in ruined relationships.
Thank you. The loving thing to do is leave..paradoxical but true. I was left - it woke me up.😢
This is so interesting what you said at the very end... The fact that when you do collapse, it can be when you are actually in a safe place. I think that's what I've been going through and I can say this is freaking stressful and disturbing... Making me think that the new relationship I'm in might be wrong when this is actually the first one challenging all the bad things I was taught all my life. I feel I'm dealing with a bad trauma even if my history wasn't so bloody or doesn't seem so hard compared to the abuses you are talking about (lies can be so fucking hard to cope...).
Thanks for you videos. They may not heal the individuals by themselves but they can certainly make you go the right path and make the first steps.
I remember my mom trying her hardest to get both my father (her ex husband) and my stepmother prosecuted for emotional/verbal abuse and neglecting me for ten years. She tried to get me to talk about what my abusers did to me for the past ten years, and I would clam up--I wouldn't say a single thing about it. Sadly, they were never prosecuted, and I don't tell anyone about it, mainly specifics, and when I do, I normally trail off, and zone out reality because it hurts to much even though it was only words. Thank you for doing this, Jono! 🤗
I am so excited that you are addressing this issue. Thank you.
You're welcome!
I didn't have therapy. I didn't have the resources that are available today. I'm 62. We didn't have you tube, I had nobody to talk to. I still managed to make it through my life not being bitter or like my family,who are racist and self absorbed. I think that most of my ability to cope and heal was music. I found music that was speaking about love and forgiveness and good. I didn't allow my abuse to overwhelm my heart. I wish I had support and counciling, but my generation believed that psychology was about crazy people, so many in my generation didn't get help.. and learned to deal with it. My advice is not to let your abuser still control you and your heart. I refused to become bitter and mean because then he would win , and it was my way of defying him. You can overcome this . Use what you have available to overcome. Music , books, TV... Whatever you have. Remember who you were, don't let yourself go. Keep your heart. Love is healing on itself. God bless you on your journey.
The thing that has been helping me is forgiving myself. Things like staying longer than I should etc. By forgiving myself I have been able to take ownership of my behaviour and separate my self from their behaviour
When you know that the only way that you can do anything physically(even just walking) requires you to make a decision in your mind first it is pretty ridiculous that people can not understand that the mind is JUST AS important as your physical form.
What happens in your mind for a longer period of time or if something will leave a big impact on you it WILL manifest into physical reality if it is not treated.
Thank you for this, one thing I’m grateful you raised was the point about the “victim” being blamed & feeling guilty.
I had a situation with an ex gf who everyone witnessed as the kindest gentlest person, it was what attracted me to her. However, wasn’t able to communicate properly & avoided any confrontation. We never had a single argument, when things got too much she would loose it & hit me (this happened only a handful of times) I was considerably bigger than her so I felt like it wasn’t a problem. I know what was a mistake.
Because she couldn’t communicate effectively the emotional stuff was a strange experience for me, it started with subtile attacks on my appearance (she then fed my clothes to her dog, which apparently was funny). Then standing me up at events (e.g. a family party for my birthday). When I challenged her on this, I was “pathetic” or “controlling” for being upset. Eventually this lead to significant “bullying” for every aspect of my life/behaviour (even actually breathing). I knew things where wrong but I was being constantly gaslight whenever I challenged her, I wanted to trust her & that was my weakness.
She broke up with me and actually told me she “wanted to hit me” while ending things. That isn’t normal.
What is super scary and caused a lot of issues for me after the breakup came from accepting this is how she was/how she behaved. The “victim” is very easy to blame. A year later a close friend of her family confronted me and started to berate me out of the blue. I explained my side, but I was told I “deserved it” and how “good a person” my ex was. Ironically, this family friend had witnessed my ex hit me at an event but obviously wasn’t prepared to accept what she was capable of 🤷♂️.
Two years later I’ve completely rebuilt my life but my ability to trust people is very damaged from this experience. The guilt is though and it’s still super difficult when my friends only saw the positives sides of our relationship.
I'm sorry you had to go through this!
Being unable to communicate things in a constructive way and being mean and aggressive instead is probably the pattern she learnt in her family. But it in no way makes it your responsibility, so it's a good thing you chose your own safety and well-being
GOD, the first couple minutes of this video got me to cry...
Being told basically "You weren't abused" or "that's your perspective, but what about how they feel, or what they saw it as"
Like... having people that I really truly trust, tell me that... god it fucking hurts, like... yeah, maybe they have changed, maybe they are better. But what they put me through, and their refusal to even apologize, or try to make it up to me, or even attempting to interact with them in the first place. People are just being huge fucking assholes about my fear of interacting with them, and... I don't know how to handle it.
People keep pushing this... "They've changed" narrative about my ex... and yeah, maybe they have.... but that doesn't excuse what they did in the past, or how it has impacted me, and it really hurts to watch people give up on me because I feel uncomfortable with them being around that person who hurt me.
I used to starve myself as a bad cooping mechanism but now I know the long term effects of with holding food from the body. Now I exercise and eat healthy as a good cooping mechanism it is very therapeutic for me and it gets my endorphins going and elevates my spirit. Along with that I journal📔to as another cooping mechanism. It helps with getting my thoughts💭together.
Emotional trauma is extremely difficult to explain:
But going through therapy- I was asked not to make a decision yet- for their well-being.
I just need to be clear that staying is for many reasons- and I am stunned by the question why did you stay.
I stayed because I was asked to while my partner went through therapy- I hope you take everything into consideration when having these discussions
I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for ten years. I left last week and the aftermath is so hard to overcome. I had no idea how much damage was done. I have NEVER been this torn apart. It feels like it’s never going to end😢
Just FYI : sexual abuse is almost always denied, toned down, the victim is seen as guilty of the abuse they went through, it is almost never recognized as abuse. Most sexual abuse involve partner violence and most of the people I went to for advice about being raped by a partner, told me that I was making stuff up, that it was my fault, mocked me, told me that it would stop if only I had more sex with my rapist partner. Including my then-therapist, who told me to stay with my abusive partner because, said he, I was unable to care for myself. Others told me that my incestuous family "had the right" to do what they did because family and that I basically belonged to them.
Sexual violence is NOT something as simple as bruises and broken bones.
Yeah, and the police do that too. Sarcastically you could say there's no point to go to the police after being raped unless you also have broken bones or bruises... :(
its been years since i was with my ex and im still feeling the effects, low self esteem, self hate and serious trust issues. just taking each day as it comes
I just got dumped, and I really do not understand why. He said he was so happy with me and I was so happy with him. The only 'reason' he gave was that he missed to experience new things together, but I don't understand that this small issue is so big for him that he would throw away this amazing relationship we had. It is really hard to overcome.
i'm in a situation where i ran from my trauma instead of fully processing it, starting a relatively successful business on my own, and decided as a choice not to date. This year I met someone special and the trauma in my otherwise comfortable life is rearing its ugly head and causing turbulence. I find it incredibly difficult to open up to people on an emotional level. I get easily frustrated and want to cut everyone out just for some peace. That's not how you get it though, that's just external. Tomorrow I'm going on a journey into my inner realms to do some deep work.
Fortunately, my partner has been an amazing support. He's helped me through a lot of my traumatic outbursts and has been a safe person for me. He never uses my "weak" moments against me, and just let's me talk through things. He asks "therapist questions" like: well why did you feel that way, etc.
But aside from his help... I express my pain through art, push myself out of my shell through music, and work towards being a more genuine me.
I have good days and bad days, and I'm gentle with myself when it's bad. I recognize my worst moments and defer to my partner to help with my child so that I may step away from the situation and reset. I don't ever want to treat my son badly because of my own hurt.
I walk more, craft more, angry clean more, do the dishes.... anything with my hands that can give me a physical result of catharsis. I speak my mind in the safety of my partner or my best friend (I can't afford therapy), and i work towards knowing what is real and what is a reaction based on my own insecurities and my Shadow.
Healing is not linear. I have good days and bad days. But the fact is that I am trying to be the best version of me that I can be. And that means accepting that my bad days are a part of me, and to realize when I'm in "bad day" mode. In those days, i need to make sure that my bad day doesn't hurt those around me.
Thank you, Mended Light, for assisting me on my journey. I was in a dark spiral for so long, and you're helping reaffirm that my positive steps aren't a facade.
The whole 'they need me' thing is very powerful
I think physical and sexual abuse can have emotional scars that don’t ever go away.
That is very true. However I think the point is that with physical and sexual abuse there's proof that can be seen by the abuser, the victim, and others outside the abuse. Help and rescuing can be offered quickly, with clear lines of real and fake.
With mental and emotional abuse there is no visible proof. A victim can be wounded just for crying for help because others don't believe them without proof. A victim can also wound themselves by questioning if the abuse is real because they have no proof to show themselves.
@@yellowbatgirl88 That's true
I also cannot agree with the slogan 'emotional abuse can be even worse'. The thing is, physical abuse is always at the same time also emotional abuse. So, physical abuse is essentially emotional abuse with extensively more brutal tactics. The aim of it is to hurt you emotionally, through the physical pain or injury. And if it includes fearing for your life, then that is definitely an added trauma compared to verbal assaults that do not make you physically afraid (although sometimes emotional abuse can include threats that can also make a person afraid for their life, even if no physical abuse materializes). For example, I have recently had two injuries - a fractured rib from falling while playing paintball, and a huuuuge bruise from a bike accident when I collided with another biker because we were both looking at police trying to calm down a couple of drunk bums who had gotten into a fight. Both are funny stories, despite having pain, and the damn rib making my life difficult for a whole two months. There was no trauma from these events, I am happy to ride my bike and play paintball again. However, if the exact same injuries had been caused by a partner attacking me, then my reaction would be HUGELY different, and I would definitely have psychological trauma. The physical attacks are meant to demean and humiliate, they carry the message that you're worthless, and they also have the aim to make you afraid and thereby control you.
The only situation where you can say 'emotional abuse is worse' is maybe if the physical attack was a random one-time attack, and it is being compared to longer term emotional abuse by someone who is close to you. In that case yeah, I would choose getting beaten in a street once by a stranger, over being emotionally abused long term at home.
but they can fade into a scar that have no effect on you anymore but remains to remind you of your past that you have left behind
It is up to you how you look at it
I spend a good part of my childhood beeing bullied and relentlessly teased by my peers, which was mostly written off as ,,kids beeing kids" by the adults in my life mostly my teachers and I never told my parents the full extent of it because the teachers already didn't do much to stop the bullying so my 7 year old brain though ,,well if the teachers don't believe me, why should my parents believe me then" my experiences were always minimised and that made me feel like what I went through was not important cuz it's not uncommon, so I kept quiet about it and the bullying lasted until I decided to fight back on my own and the worst part was when the kids would provoke me until I reacted and when I would reach my limit and react they would say ,,Why are you so aggressive all of a sudden Natasha?" And those words would enrage me even more, just adds fuel to the fire, nowadays I still have a short temper and even tho I've gotten much better at controlling it I decited to start going to therapy to properly process everything I've been suppressing and ignoring for far too long
So I'm currently dealing with an extremely toxic workplace and every time I get ready to quit something happens like we suddenly get burried in work or a bunch of other people leave the company so I say to myself or others "I can't leave now... they need me... I feel guilty" all the while I find myself falling deeper and deeper into depression and what you said at 6:20 really hit home with that.
this was a very helpful video
I have an issue with the "hurt people hurt people" idea. I was in an abusive marriage for 27 years. Name a category of abuse and I experienced it. I was deeply hurt during my marriage, and have been diagnosed with betrayal trauma and CPTSD. Guess what, I don't hurt, abuse, or manipulate people. Saying that abusers harm others because they are hurting lets them use that as a cop out and a pathetic excuse to not take responsibility for their bad and abusive behavior.
Hurt people can develop extra compassion and empathy, and not perpetuate abuse. Hurt people hurt.
Abusers hurt people.
If you look at abusers, almost every single one has been abused as a child pretty much. If you look at children who were abused though, plenty of us do not grow up to become abusive. It's only a subset who become abusers.
I think it's important for therapists to realize the humanity of abusers since sometimes their clients are abusing others and the therapist needs to help them stop. It's important in order to possibly help to acknowledge the pain the abusers went through too and that they're triggered and traumatized. But it doesn't make any of it okay. It's not "an excuse", merely a fact that they're hurt. But it's more important to stop them continuing to perpetuate harm.
I just moved out and have two kids and you captured better the reason I left than anything i've been telling anyone,
You owe no one an explanation.
I have a hard time coping still even though it's been a couple years. I am extremely paranoid and fear being out in public alone. I know that I am most likely safe but I can't shake the feeling that he is going to come after me. I am in a very healthy happy relationship now which helps. I just feel hopeless sometimes that this feeling of being unsafe will never go away.
Can you please address emotional abuse from platonic friends? Even that it happens so it feels less lonely would be awesome, I know I am not the only one but it is still hard.
That has happened to me too, you are not alone.
Thank you so much for this. You're helping so many people with these words.
I saw a crisis counselor for a year and joined a support group. I still go once a week to group counseling. And have a personal sponsor that I can talk to.
Thank you for this! I experienced emotional abuse as a preteen/teenager from an authority figure, but everything you said is just as true. Still need therapy to deal with issues, but have come along way. I'm really glad you're explaining to people what it is and that it's just as bad as physical abuse.
With my daughter, I’m still stuck in the “it must be me”. Guilt, shame, loss, confusion, blame and sorrow. I know I didn’t but still blame myself. Such a hard thing to heal from. Don’t know that I ever will. Just kind of a “live life with the pain” type of thing.
Sometimes safe places feel the most terrifying. Like, my brain will panic and be like, “okay, which closet has the zombies in it?” Like, it has trouble believing it IS safe. And honestly it’s hard to know what to do in a safe place. Like, what do you mean I don’t need to be constantly glancing at the door or exit or preparing to jump up and run? It’s so weird.
We have to learn to control our thoughts, and our brain. I love Jody Moore Be Bold. Many of us did not learn emotional intelligence. Jody and her coaches teach the latest neuro science findings and why it matters to question our brains. We have an upper and lower brain. We can't let our toddler brain - lower brain - be in charge. A lot of us have never learned how to get out of fight, flight, freeze. Jody helps so much! I subscribe to her podcasts. For the price of 1 therapy visit, there is unlimited listening and learning each month. Remember, thoughts are optional!
Something that I am doing to overcome the trauma that I have been through, is learning that I can take ownership of my emotions surrounding those events. I was physically and emotionally abused my childhood, and emotionally abused by my ex fiance. After my ex (not fiance) broke up with me this year, I saw that I wasn't taking ownership of how I was responding to my emotions. By that, I mean that I don't let my emotions take ownership of me. But I accept my emotions, and learn to respond to them in a more holistic approach.
I ended a toxic relationship just over a year ago because the way I was being treated wasn’t okay and I wasn’t going to take it anymore, but I still cared about him and hoped we could remain on good terms but It didn’t happen. Then I found out he committed suicide recently and the guilt and sadness I feel, is hard to explain since we haven’t spoken in a year. I know it’s not really related to the video but I just wanted to get this out here.
Hannah: 1. His suicide had nothing to do with you. 2. Cheers to you ending a toxic relationship. 3. You hoped you could remain on good terms with him....us women bend over backward to do the best, think the best, keep things nice....sometimes we just have to let people go. The end. I look back at my younger self and know I was way way way too worried about OTHERS while not knowing the first thing about myself. Just saying. I'm so sorry about this. Life will get better. I recommend Jody Moore Be Bold.
Every video! The way she looks at you is just, wow!
The Body Keeps The Score was a great book.
Tried to love my ex through his childhood trauma and abuse, hoping he would learn how to love me in return. Our relationship was based around me playing therapist for him. I was emotionally abused the whole time, never got better. After 5 years together I found out he cheated and I left. Just now realizing he was a narcissist and reading books to deal with that. I've been single for 3 years since the breakup. Just never feel ready to try again. Spent 2 years realizing and healing my codependency habits. Now working on the healing from narcissistic abuse. Time to get health insurance and go back to therapy.
Excellent video
So true. I have had all of them but the emotional is the worst 😭💯
This video is saving my life right now. Thank you for you and all you do ❤️
I needed this so badly today! Thank you so much! 💕
I was really excited to watch this video but most of it was just talking about trauma & emotional abuse generally, with only some quick tips on how to overcome it smooshed into 90 seconds at the end :( would have loved if the video focused on the "overcoming" part for the majority of the video
Agree. This video was maybe a little too introductory to the entire concept of emotional abuse for my taste as well.
This was a great talk! Thank you!
Please react to comedians talking about mental health, Taylor Tomlinson has bipolar and she talks a lot about this
I know the relationship needs to end, but unfortunately I have more sympathy for everyone else than myself. He's definitely emotionally abusive because of prior traumas, but says he will have no place to live and he might **** himself if I don't let him continue staying in my house and acting as his girlfriend. I HAVE actually mustered up the courage to tell him I want it to end and asked him to leave at least 3 times now, but after outbursts of anger and sadness he strangely goes back to acting like nothing has changed. Then I'm too confused and exhausted to be any more forceful about it, which would probably lead to a lot more yelling and my things getting broken. Currently planning to try to make it through the holidays then try a 4th time in January.
I sincerely hope you have managed to make this guy leave by now. That kind of shit is manipulative to an EXTREME degree and you really need to get rid of someone who emotionally blackmails you like that. Do NOT let him make you responsible for his emotional or situational stability, things will only go from bad to worse
This was a great episode. I hope it helps someone
in my experiance abusers are usally the ones to try to persuade others that its the victums falt. i still have no idea what i like or what and where im going, but im not to worried i still have a few issues to deal with, i will remember when i can cope with it
You guys should do a video about C-PTSD from childhood and these dynamics being created from those experiences.
This is not couples therapy question, but in a way touches on it... What happens when a child is emotionally traumatized by a parent? How do we recognize the signs in the child? I don't mean to compare traumas, but there is obviously a different dynamic between parent/child and partner relationships. Harm is harm, hurt is hurt, and how each person responds to emotional trauma will be different. I just want to know what the differences are (if there are any), and how we can look for them in children who may not have either the vocabulary, the support, or the validation they need to understand what's going on so that they can get help they need.
It's more family therapy, but if a parent is emotionally abusive to their partner, what stops them from doing that to their child? And how can we help the other parent be aware that their child is truly suffering & that they shouldn't disregard or dismiss what's going on?
Thank you so much as always!!!! Greetings from Macao, China!
12:20 💯 So true. Didn’t have a way to express this. Thank you!
"Hurt people hurt people" is a cheap cop-out in my opinion. A lot of people have gone through previous trauma, like from a parent and not all of them are abusers. If anything some people are so disgusted with that behaviour, that they never want to put another human through that. I am like that myself. The cold truth is that having empathy for the abuser only leads to them taking advantage of you again. There comes a point where they take it too far and the empathy gets drained.
With that said, thank you for talking about this, it's very important.
ANYONE not just humans. Everyone worth the same!
Exactly! They do NOT deserve empathy since that person who ONCE deserved the empathy was killed by the abuse and the person has become and empty sell of hate.
They are not that person anymore therefor have no reason to get empathy.