7 Characteristics of a Love Avoidant
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- Опубліковано 3 гру 2024
- The seven characteristics of a love avoidant. In this video I share the 7 characteristics and what creates them and what we can do about it.
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Hi, I'm Kenny 👋
I specialize in helping you heal from emotional hurt so you can elevate your life by helping you get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.
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If you have looked everywhere, are desperate for a solution, and you're ready to stop being held hostage by your emotional misery, your journey to emotional mastery starts here.
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I have experienced this with a partner. Run from these people. It will drive you mad trying to get someone to open up.
Indeed. Run Forrest Run.
They need to do their own introspective and healing work.
The key difference between dismissive avoidants and narcissists is that the former plays you for their attachment needs, which they deny having, and the latter uses you to prop up their false self. I was baited recently by a severe avoidant and then got accused of trying to force a relationship onto them when I returned the interest.
Both avoidants and narcissists are so preoccupied with their own thoughts and reality that they have no capacity for engaging with you as a person and understanding the perspectives of others. Their relationships with other people are hence superficial and transactional. You feel lonely when you are around these people.
I made observations while spending time with them and they revealed that it was stressful to be under such scrutiny even though it was only out of concern. When I broached the topic of their avoidant behaviour, they flew into a rage and asked why I had to ruin the fun. In spite of their material success, their existence is ultimately one of shallowness and constant overcompensation, like a narcissist’s.
I agree, my dad used to have 3 jobs when I was a child...just recently he admitted that he couldn't cope with being a father, it felt overwhelming and thus he preferred working hard, not raising his children ...bringing money home justified his absence.
I love how you gave the answer immediately. Allowing me the option to keep listening to learn more or not. Thank you for your wisdom and vulnerability.
You are so welcome😁
Best video hands down on this topic. I’ve dated narcissists in the past my current partner is love avoidant and he would make me cry and couldn’t understand why. Now I understand.
I'm 52 and only realised about 8 years ago, after my narcissistic mother's death, that I wasn't supposed to be so self reliant. I was given the message from my mother that it was bad to need or ask for anything from others and if anyone helped me or was "nice" to me, I then owed them something. Many times during my childhood she told me that she'd made me "too independent". For most of my life I interpreted that as me being to stubborn and argumentative. Now I interpret what she said as frustration on her behalf because I didn't "need" her, she couldn't manipulate me with money or things because I earnt my own money doing jobs at the weekend or in school holidays. I need to allow myself to ask and accept help from others. I know I need others. It's hard to trust others though because of my early programming, which I reinforced as an adult picking people similar to my mother to have a relationship with.
Sounds so much like my situation
I understand where you’re coming from. May we all find peace and healthy relationships in our journey. 💫
When I asked my ex (a DA, but I had no idea what that was back in 2020) how his previous relationships (which were too many) had ended he simply told me there had been no issues, they had just gotten bored of each other (he meant HE had gotten bored.) A few months forward he dropped me like a rock, with no previous warning. It destroyed me, as it was such a massive shock and I had thought everything was going well. I saw a psychologist who said he was a narcissistic, but he had no traits of that. After googling again and again I found out he was dismissive avoidant. (He kept coming back to me for the next 18 months after the breakup, I had completely disappeared from his life, he would see me, then retreat again, until I had had enough and told him to never contact me again.) I have watched hundreds of videos on love avoidance, yet I had yet to find a more concise description than yours. You totally nailed it. Thank you.
My ex girlfriend is a love avoidant. Our relationship lasted 3 years. I wish I would've known this information long ago. Her son is from an affair she had with an older man. Yet I accepted her that way. She also watched porn. She kept a lot to herself. She would never ask for help, and she would deny help. When we lived together we hardly slept together in the same bed. We got engaged, and then one day out of nowhere she asked for the breakup. At the end she was breadcrumbing me. I was ok picking up scraps. This video is really on point. Once the honeymoon phase is over they check out.
Porn is linked to sex addiction
My ex seemed perfect but after 6 months or so he would withhold affection and communication. Felt very one-sided. He was also very conflict avoidant and would work late hours as an excuse not to resolve or spend quality time together which made me anxious
Wow you just described my ex
Wow you hit the nail on the head…..SAME FOR ME
My current life.
I found this video today, after two years listening to other “experts” here on youtube. This is by far the best explained video on avoidance. I’m happy I found this chanel. 🥰
Great video, you have clarified for me what others have not been able to. Thanks Kenny.
Glad it was helpful!
"...It's that you went through such abandonment as a child that you'll settle for scraps." I still don't understand the psychological dynamic behind this, but as someone who experienced childhood with a mom who was frequently hospitalized and an emotionally distant father, I must admit that this statement seems to describe my early romantic history a bit too well.
When you do a full relationship autopsy you"ll see a pattern. We are often attracted to the familiar Imago - love attachment style.
17:49 Born with CF, an overcontrolling narc mom, dad ran at age 6...
When I was 10 years old, people always told me I more mature then the average adult...
I'm learning a lot about myself... for which I thank you.
I realise I might have a future after all, after finding you... keep doing what you do.
Much love and appriciation
I’m in this situation and close to be done, it’s mentally exhausting. You can’t build anything long-term, meaningful or sustainable with these types of people, it’s just not possible. They know everything, they can do everything, they don’t have to share everything, they don’t need help, they’re nearly perfect in their eyes and their world… Like wtf?
And yet none they're only human and everyone needs help sometime
It's their responsibility to do the introspective and healing work. You're not a therapist.
Women are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised men ----Julia Roberts
Or badly raised women... my ex wife is Avoidant
I really like this, you explained my ex pretty well! I knew right away he is extremely insecure. After 3 years, I realized there was something else more severe going on. I disagree however, on your comment about the fact that we really don’t love these damaged people, and have abandonment issues that we have to deal with. I’m pretty secure and have had secure relationships in the past. This man I definitely loved. He has a kind heart and a sort of glow inside him. He’s unsophisticated, and strong and is very protective and loving towards me. We had so much fun together and went through hard times too. We talked about spiritual things, and have the same set of values. He is humble and giving and just beautiful in my eyes. I will always love him. He’s just tragically damaged and feels deeply unworthy of love. It’s terribly sad, but yes, I most certainly did love him, and I still do.
Women are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised men ----Julia Roberts
It's their responsibility to do the introspective and healing work. You're not a therapist
@@sherriflemming3218 how sad love is so misconstrued in this twisted selfish world.
@@yored8853
Indeed. It starts with the self.
Self love is a vaccine to emotional chaos.
The most important relationship you'll ever have is with yourself. Your worth is not tied to another person. Your values guide your direction and life.
When you're in your empowerment, self love and self respect is more important than gaining respect from a man. Trust your instincts.
The dating scene is a mess. It's a sea of dysfunction.
What The Heck Is Self Love by Jonathon Aslay ♥️
Understand attachment styles
Attached by Amir Levine.
Safe People by Henry Cloud
8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman
If The Budda Dated by Charlotte Kasi
Both books define the blueprint and mechanics of a healthy relationship
Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is rather than how you think it should be.
My experience from childhood trauma is I keep getting asked what's wrong with me.
I said to a counselor one-time imagine this, you're 6 years old you get raped what did you do wrong? Why does the six-year-old child need to be on medication? Why is nothing being done to stop the perpetrator? My perpetrator was my oldest brother, I am the youngest child of the family, when I confronted my other brothers and sisters about at all they could say was while he never did nothing to me.
No I'm the a swipe because I don't talk to my brothers and sisters any of them
Take care Bob!
I don’t talk to any of my siblings but one out of 7, for similar reasons. The sibling I talked too experienced sexual abuse as well and cut ties with the others as well.
Wow every single trait… never present 😢 so so sad
You described my hubby very well. He is just like all those behaviors you mentioned.
Sorry to hear that
Mine too.
My wife is love avoidant. Thank you for this. I'm a sigma male - so I have crawled into my solitude doing my music and writing - Now my wife is the mistress - to my first love - creating - I feel more independent and less vulnerable. If I have to chose, I will chose my guitar over my wife. Is this sick?
I’m with my avoidant for 3 years now, and he has gotten so much better about these points that you mention. Yes, you are right on. So don’t take it personally, don’t try to change him, don’t ask for affection that you know scares him. My security makes him feel safer. We have a wonderful sexual relationship.
He is so good >I admire everything he said ,so glad I found his video, it has so much answers in questions I would never know the answer, I am in relationship with a love avoiding guy for 23 years ,I live in prison of that man ,I tried to resurch answers for many years and give it up ,I look to found way to escape but did not do enough, i found myself in God hands that what I need in my situation. Accept what you can not change
I find it interesting that you have been there and recovered. My S.O. Fits your description in many ways, yet I am happy most of the time because I simply don’t take his lack of physical affection personally. I feel sorry for him, knowing that he has these fears. Plus I had that kind of parenting myself. I feel certain that he loves me even when he doesn’t show it.
This guy is somethink else - super explained! Really good job.
I forgot to mention that I told him, 3 months in, I was not interested in continuing this relationship. (Calmly.) I’ve had lots of therapy.). He wanted me to tell him what I needed. We met at a restaurant and I brought a list of musts. It got better. After a while, though, I said I was leaving the relationship. After two weeks where I was getting along just fine, He asked if we could talk. Well, we’re still together after 3 years, and I’m happy and so is he.
I have a question dear Kenny. Do avoidants like narcissists? Do they feel an attraction to each other, do you know anything about that? Greetings.
I love the deprivation! I think you’ve nailed it. I’m going to give that a lot of thought.
You are incredible teacher, thank you so much. I was healed through this video. God bless you that you share your wisdom…🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️
Glad it was helpful!
This video was so insightful, brings a whole new light to these kind of dynamics in relationships
This was excellent! Thank you.
Great breakdown. 👏🏿👏🏿
This was incredibly helpful thank you so much.
Busy, sick or tired that's their go to all the time. Had to leave, work was his wife and I was his mistress. Bad communicator on top of it.
True
My ex she just said I'm pushing her away, her walls are up, I tried to communicate but met with anger, defects blamed it's all my fault. Then block onto the next within a week 😢
What will happen if I send this very accurate description of an avoidant to my avoidant partner? She will probably think that by doing so I still pursue her when I only want her to be happy.
After 2 years yes it does. Thank you
Very well put. Thank you
So many great points here! Thanks Kenny!
Glad it was helpful!
That was great. Thanks Kenny
Thank you
Thank you Sir for sharing and beeing honest. I,m in a painful proces of detaching from a man who was the love of my life. Why on earth do i meet someone on my age (57) with almost the exact french ndme, born on the same day, the same medical history. Usually i kerp men at armglenght due to passed experiences but with him it felt like coming home as if i aleays had known him. So many similarities and synchronicities. We had a great time and almost had something but he ran and started pushing me away. My fault also because i chased too much. It sounds ridiculous when you are 57, but i don,t often fall in love that deep. The dog is no.1 and indeed using illness, tiredness, and i,ve heard even the Corona excuse which i knew it was a lie. And now what, i,m heartbroken and wondering if it all was a game and a lie. I trusted him, this is definitely te last time that i allow myself to have feelings for somebody 😢 greetings from The Netherlands ❤
I do appreciate your empathy for both sides of the relationship. I is also good for business 😃, except they unfortunately "resist professional help" anyway 😟
Very interesting content - I can see so many points that are familiar and I experienced first hand
Glad you enjoyed it!
So much of what you describe here sounds like my situation. Except I have been in therapy for a long time. One of my roommates, years back, also a therapist, started viewing me as a narcissist, but I am not. I know my diagnosis and narcissism is not my issue. My experience is to avoid getting close to others as a protection measure. It is horrible to have thos experience, but I have often felt hurt and misjudged when I get closer to others. It's like it is much easier to be alone, by myself, than it is to let others close and get hurt in the process. It's really f'ed up.
WOW!!!!!! 100% real my jaw just dropped, i though it was me all the time but was her, i just walk away
Soooo ...
1. A Liar of Omission person .
2. A Liar.
3. Scared AF of allowing someone
" In "
...
Question...
( In case I missed it )
Are Avoidants the result of being
Hurt terribly ( when they were younger) in a romantic relationship???
Or,
Can they also become that way if a parent hurt/ ignored/ neglected them ????
TIA!!
I wasted almost 45yrs, hyper criticial & emotional abusive, alway my fault in his mind... I was not abandoned, l know l am worth so much more. My parent's loved me unconditionally. I am a Child of God... l never wanted a failed marriage, but l can't change my husband that is his job or choose.
I believe my ex is a codependent love avoidant, he acted so much like me in the beginning, I genuinely thought he was secure with a bit of anxiety. We broke up at the first conflict. When he came back after NC, I got breadcrumbing or ghosting for 2-3 days. When I pointed it out, he blocked me.
Now I know I am anxious and codependent, I grew up with a narcissistic mother. I also know that I am a good person, kind and thoughtful, but how do I heal my wound? 2 weeks since our last message and I cry every single day, I cry myself to sleep because all I want is to be with him. To know that we're together and he loves like I love him. I highly doubt he ever would but I want to heal and move on, I'm exhausted.. 😔
Kenny , let me ask you, is the attachment style “Avoidant” the same thing as a “Love Avoidant?” I am a bit confused on that. Your Chanel is great, thanks much!
Omg! I go through that. I'm never a priority, I'm left in the dark, advice is either defended against, deflected, or that won't work, you ask for the person to mend things in the relationship and there's days of excuse and inconvinces that won't let anything happen every time like clock work and the best part "sarcasm" something will happen they won't deal with feelings or the problem and when they finally say something so combative or insensitive and you lose your coolnow it's your fault they won't work things out because you drove them away when they were being dismissive and about driving the whole relationship away. I hope that wasn't tmi, but this stuff is so hurtful sometimes. I'm now concerned if I should worry this person will cheat on me. They did that to the wife that finally divorced them and tried to kept it a secret from all involved. Id like to believe some people are chickens and learn lessons, but you make it sound like this is a typical behavior to expect with people who have avoidant codependency. He is however exploring a therapeutic journey. So maybe there's hope?
Sometimes you make yourself believe that you’re hurting SO MUCH that they just HAVE to take care of you.
Thank you ❤
You're welcome 😊
Love u man~~ Thank You for channel~
Glad you enjoy it!
Hey Kenny I need advice. I started dating a girl and suddenly after roughly a year she became noticeably (to me) avoidant. I'm not sure is that true or am I discovering that I'm anxiously attached. How can I tell the difference? I really like her & I thought she really liked me too but I'm not sure if giving up on our relationship now is a good idea or not.
Im noticing a lot of traits in her similar to what you talked about, but still I feel I should try to give it a chance.
Im scared she will break my heart as I don’t think I’ll be able to handle a heartbreak again!
Thanks in advance
I was so lonely I met a girl in a bar one night. I fell for her sultry act of never speaking never expressing any thoughts or feelings. She was a true Dr. Hyde and Ms. Jekyll. She'd be overly affectionate when she felt like it but then be cold hateful and silent the rest of the time. I was severely abused as a child and never touched only beaten. This is how she controlled me. I could write a book just about our sick relationship. We split up and I was so relieved. She already had a guy waiting for her yet she continued to play me like a yo-yo for 3 years. I developed such an intense hatred for women that I only used them sexually in a very angry way. I only attracted screwed up women who hurt me like my parents. I'll be 66 on May 17th. Finally accepted I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I think I've already told my story on this channel. I must of done something incredibly awful in a past life. Nothing else makes sense.
Children and pets are also a go-to when the partner is completely disconnected. It is survival.
Confusing when you change the avoidant from right hand to left.
Sad, my girlfriend is exactly like he just described. Like he knows her personally.
It’s excruciating.
That pet thing, "Cat Lady", OMG! Obsession. I hate that they want you to love their pet as much as they do. I had dogs in my life, but I did not do that to people. 😏
I call him on being critical. Got anything nice about me you can think of to say? I laugh at him a lot, too. Hands on hips, shaking my head.
Here is a thought. Date yourself it's alot easier lol.
Thank you very much🥺
You’re welcome 😊
There is actually a counseling group that deals with this in Colorado. They call it “intimacy anorexia”.
Yes, pia Mellody years ago created that phrase, the love addict and the emotional anorexic. She changed it when she re-released her book and started calling them the love avoidant.
I told my friend who is married to a love avoidant " You don't have to prove you can make it on your own by staying married"
Yep. Experienced all of this. And went 9 years with no sexual intimacy and yet the 'other' was capable of sexually objectifying everything - a word, a vegetable, a childhood story, a trauma event, a car part, etc!! It seemed so perverse and disgusting really. And just as bad, I stay.
They sound so similar to covert narcs. How are they different?
I have a video on the difference in my narcissism playlist
@@kennyweiss thank you! I will look at it!
Maybe I am love avoydant. I am 40 years old. I never had serious relationship.
Judging by the sentence structure, yes you are. Avoidants build sentences in the same way.
24:08 😢
My Ex.
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix
8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman
If The Budda Dated by Charlotte Kasi
Return To Love by Barbara DeAngelis
Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters
Safe People by Henry Cloud
I get everything except for how they are codependent also?
I think he means that they also lack self love and need validation, but from the outside instead of the relationship.
They have the same core wounds as "standard" coodependant.
Is there any of your videos that aren’t about my ex?
💯 🎯
My last boyfriend to a T.
I’m a love avoidant and now i feel like a monster
No, you are not, only now you know better 😊
💖
You look more handsome in this video. Maybe your skin is tanner or your suit really suits you.
This is me. I feel like a terrible wife. :(
You are only doing what you know. This is caused by childhood trauma that’s never been healed. You’re not to blame for that. We just have to make the choice to do the work to heal the pain that’s causing the behavior.
Sound quality poor
For someone going thru a healing ❤️🩹 lesson, this video was mind blowing. Im definitely relating to this. I have avoided relationships due to hurt and not feeling like i was enough or heard. Funny enough i knew i was dodging stuff in life- to hear you list the signs 🪧 and knowing thats me 😢hit hard. This is process though - live learn adapt and heal
me too. My psychotic parents treated me and still treat me like a child or a disabled person. So I always felt unadequate.
This video describes me perfectly. Wow 🥹
WOW!!!!!! 100% real my jaw just dropped, i though it was me all the time but was her, i just walk away
Excellent analysis!!! 🎯
Glad you enjoyed it