When Your Trust Is Broken, Past Trauma Flares (Here's What to Do)
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- Опубліковано 1 лис 2022
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CPTSD conditions you to become depressed, confused and sometimes paralyzed in the face of betrayal. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman whose husband has been poking holes in their condoms, sending her into a spiral of confusion. Learn how trauma from childhood symptoms can be healed when you face lies and deception.
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Trust is everything. Especially to people who have been traumatized by someone that they trusted.
I got married at 19. Stayed in that trauma bonded relationship for 23 years.
Finally divorced and living as a single mom for a year now. He told me I was worthless as a mother and didn’t deserve a life with them. He wanted to keep me small and scared.
There IS a way out!! And no matter how HARD it is, I will choose to hold hope for a brighter future filled with HEALTHY love
Stealthing isn’t just abuse, it’s rape, period. Sex without consent is rape. A completely sick thing to do to someone you claim to love. Notice also how she said she respects his bodily autonomy and let him reverse his vasectomy, while he went and did the exact opposite by stealthing. Heinous.
Right. His ability to do that shows an entitlement that is staggering.
Fortunately in many places stealthing has been made a crime.
I wish Anna had explicitly said it was rape. I was waiting for that and it didn't come. It is a form of rape.
There is no way to pursue this in a court of law. Most severe crimes against women like this produce no 'evidence'. These laws are only valuable as toilet paper.
My mom did it to my dad, the stealthing. She stopped taking her birth control without telling Dad and my brother was the result. How sad because all that ended up happening is my dad ended up cheating on her and leaving her when she was 8 months pregnant. So they divorced. Mom then struggled to support two children alone. Would have been a lot easier with only one child but she didn't think about those kind of consequences while she sabotaged my father. Then the woman my dad left my mom for died in a terrible car accident. And so they were both alone and miserable until they moved on to new even worse partners and both ended up in their second divorces. Dad is now on marriage #4 and Mom is on #3. No wonder I'm 45 and still unmarried!
I have been betrayed by everyone in my life starting with my paranoid schizophrenic mother who raised me (no father,) my ex-husband, my son, a former fiancé, men that I had relationships with, and girlfriends. When I turned 40, I realized I had no clue how to with individuals who treated me with respect. I have Virtually isolated myself in order to insulate from additional pain and betrayal. Not nearly 80 years old, my life is less stressful. Unfortunately, my daughter, who is 51, has never been able to form friendships nor has she ever dated nor had a boyfriend. Her father and his wife were abusive toward her and denied her femininity, lovability and acceptance. (He has many problems surrounding sex.) My daughter is so lonely that it breaks my heart. A lack of confidence, despite her high intelligence, compassion, kindness and good qualities, keeps her from approaching anyone who might spend time with her outside of work. Watching her silently suffer has been my greatest pain of all. Her father betrayed her as a child and young woman. This is the sad result despite decades of therapy.
Anna, thank you for sharing your insight with us troubled women ❤️❤️👏👏🌈❤️❤️
Thanks for sharing, so sorry to hear that your daughter is struggling. Sending you both encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Much love to you and your daughter, there must be some help she can get, I hope she finds it..
Thanks for sharing Judi. I'm barely 30 but I'm considering staying single for the rest of my life to save myself from these scars. I had to deal with unreliability from someone. It wasn't infidelity or something, but still just as hurtful. I don't think I can handle so much drama because I'm just getting back to being myself again and it was a long journey. I appreciate that you've shared your experience.
I know a woman who died from a heart attack when she discovered that her husband was cheating on her but majority of my surroundings told me that ALL mens are cheaters and that if women are unable to accept that then they should never get married (In simple term minimizing the husband behaviors and blaming the wife) I was later told that when you are in a relationship with someone never put your full trust in the person because in case he/she deceive you, it wouldn't hurt that much and in my head it was like... What is the point on being in a relationship then?
Wow ... That's terrible ... To learn those toxic "truths" ... :(
Yeah, I think many people say that so they protect their emotions by making the problem external. “All men cheat, so of course one cheated on me!” Like, no… it’s okay to acknowledge that he hurt you. It doesn’t mean every man would. It doesn’t make you stupid or naive that someone you trusted betrayed you. Sometimes people are just jerks, and it isn’t your responsibly to know the future or read their mind. Now you have to figure out how to cope and what to do moving on. (You in the general sense)
I think many people would rather be lonely than hurt from someone they loved, but that is a warped perception because they either choose to be lonely and constantly hurting, or at least open to love. You’re going to get hurt regardless when you’re alive lol
I used to think you could always give someone another chance and build trust again but had an experience over the last few years that makes me agree with you - sometimes it can never be recovered, and that is such a heartbreaking reality for me to face right now. It just feels so violating.
I've been in this situation of wanting a child with someone that didn't want one. He will never be okay with not having children. He will resent you.
I was in the same situation.
Me too.
He’ll ask or make you to abort
I would’ve given him his freedom as soon as he had his vasectomy reversed. I would tell him, It seems you’ve changed your mind regarding children so go ahead and find someone that wants the same things you do.
Edit-My interpretation of him saying, he’s going to have to mourn the loss of the children he never had, is just a guilt trip to make her feel bad.
He didn’t have to stay in that marriage and try to constantly control and manipulate her into giving him what he wants.
She shouldn’t trust him. Move on!
Yeah, he clearly was very upset and did not know how to handle not having kids. If secrecy and manipulation are his solutions, he seems very controlling, selfish, and not a good partner.
She shouldn't LIKE him, nvm trust
He's a bully
KAT I agree, I saw that manipulation too when he said he's mourned the loss of the children he never had.
@@lockandloadlikehell okay…. That is so interesting!!!!
Married for 25 years to a high-functioning alcoholic who I cannot trust. It’s awful. I feel so stuck but am working hard on myself to heal from CPTSD so I can emotionally regulate and not fall into fear of abandonment, which makes me SO desperately want to stick us back together again. Age 50 is hard to think about the possibility of needing to make a choice one day to separate/divorce because of the progression of his drinking. I hate his drinking with everything in me, but also have learned compassion for his pain. The denial drives me nuts, though. My dad was also an alcoholic (but a violent one), so I’ve lived with it my entire life. Thankful for Al-Anon/therapy/CCF that keep me sane! 🙏🏼
the one question i always ask people...."you have two choices, live like this forever, or break up." those are the only two things that can happen...if you dont want to live like this forever, then you know what to do.
@@Augfordpdoggie Yes, but it’s not quite as simple as that in reality. I trust my Higher Power (God) that He will show me clearly if a decision needs to be made. In the meantime, I’m working on my CPTSD and looking into studying so that I can become financially independent. My husband is a good man, provides well, kind and gentle and has never been violent or verbally aggressive. It’s hard to walk away from that. All the very best to you in your journey 💛
Trust, so hard-earned, so easily broken, so very hard to repair. 😥
It's also called Flashback. I tell myself: we are ' flashbacking!' and I then calm down because I accept the flashback...
This sounds exactly like my ex girlfriend. We dated for 6 months. It was great at first. We fell for each other and in a genuine manner. But then almost overnight, she got cold. Push pull, hot cold, off and on and she was unwilling to be accountable to how that affected me. I even broke up with her because my needs weren’t getting met. She sent me a message exclaiming her love and how she wants to keep seeing me. I took her back.
She had already dated someone before. So I didn’t think id be a rebound. She was 5 months out of a 5 year relationship and she still trained at the same gym as him. After she started being untrustworthy, I finally ended it. I was very hurt by this and some words were said in anger (no name calling, but still not nice things) I’m not proud of it.
A few weeks after the breakup, I stopped by her place to drop off a card that said sorry. Her ex’s truck was there. I knocked on the door and gave her the card and left.
This breakup hurt worse than my previous divorce did. I felt like my trust, energy, and values were stomped on. I felt (and still feel) used and that she never actually loved me.
So I am im the same situation as this woman’s new boyfriend. And from my experience, This man is set up to have his heart broken. So please be responsible out there people.
Similar to mine too. Making other people collateral for their unwillingness to deal with their emotions.
My reaction regarding broken trust is to fall into a confused and sorrowful state. Still learning to understand early rejections and compensating behaviors, ...giving trust away seems natural for me (I tend to cling as well). At least I now have the tools to recognize the 'trust trap' earlier rather than later. It sadly has cost me dearly in the past: emotionally, financially, and psychologically.
same here. I trusted a couple, they acted like they cared about me when my husband of 26 years abandoned me and the kids. I had a nervous breakdown, and the husband of the couple offered to help me pay for something on line, then used my bank card to pay all their debts and bills...without asking me.... I have learnt that whenever you are weak, you are in danger of being abused and exploited, even by supposed friends.
Same!!🧘🏼♀️🔥
Me, too! I found out I had something called Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder (DSED) as a child.
"Disinhibited social engagement disorder (DSED) is an attachment condition characterized by difficulty forming emotional bonds with others and a lack of inhibition around strangers. The condition tends to occur in young children who have experienced neglect, trauma, abandonment, or abuse.
Most children are naturally cautious with adults they don't know. For the most part, a fear of unfamiliar people is healthy and helpful. However, children with disinhibited social engagement disorder do not have this fear.
Kids who have DSED aren’t afraid of strangers. In fact, they are so comfortable around unfamiliar people that they wouldn’t think twice about climbing into a stranger’s car or accepting an invitation to a stranger’s home. This uninhibited friendliness can become a serious safety problem if the disorder is left untreated."
I can't tell you how many times I tried to go live with complete strangers as a child. I 100% fully trusted people I never even met. I would walk out of shopping centers with people and ask them to take me with them. It's really lucky no one ever drove away with me. Even as an adult now I am too trusting when I shouldn't be but I'm finally starting to get better boundaries now that I'm finally processing my trauma.
Blessings.
Disorganized attachment is pure hell. I have fought for things/people I do not want my whole life when I pushed things to end, because I didn't want it. I would then find myself flipping and fighting for it. It's maddening. When you finally get a grip on what it is, how you respond, and how to work through it, the madness begins fade and you start making decisions outside of trauma. Keep loving yourself and keep on the healing journey. You will pull yourself out of the madness. ❤️❤️
THANK YOU for calling out the push-pull dynanic for what it is... emotional abuse that causes trauma bonds to form in others. Yes, even a co-dependent can be unintentionally abusive. So grateful you didn't let that escape notice. Glad you called it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ❤
When I recently figured out that I don't even trust myself, how can I after allowing so much toxicity in my life, I realized I needed to learn to have a better relationship with myself. I don't know if I'll ever heal enough to ever be in a romantic relationship or a friend ever again. This saddens my heart 💔
Poking holes in a condom and removing during is non consensual, not just dishonest. And forced birth and legal entrapment is a potential. This guy is a manipulator and to be avoided.
Especially now if you live on. A non abortion state. This guy will always have control over the woman. Up to reporting her to the govt, threat of arrest etc.
poking holes in condom is rape. "stealthing" is just rape.
Holy hell, this is 90% my current circumstances!! Except I married at 31, was the one who didn't want kids but gave in to what hubs wanted, and the man I'm interested in now has been 1000% supportive without pressure and is even willing to giving up our relationship for my marriage.
Vasectomy can be reversed?!! I am flabbergasted.. why then all the pressure with birth control is only on women?!!!
The profit is huuuuge
Vasectomies are the BEST.
I gotta tell you I had the most profound progress after reading Pete Walker. I’m almost 100% confident that because I read him before doing EMDR the EMDR worked better
I love the work of Pete Walker.
@@brendaplunkett8659 me too. Reading him helped me unlock my grief and trauma in ways I’d never been able to. It just made so much sense to me. Hopefully others will read him too because of Fairy’s sour out and us sharing our experiences
Anna Thank you, last 5 mins of video hit real hard. Its been 7-8 months i ended my long term relationshio with husband and i remeber i was so chaotic when discovering my childhood trauma. I shifted to parents house but it was no good knowing they were the reason of trauma. I got addicted to reading romantic 18+ novels and longing for time which i never got to enjoy in my marriage but with daily practice and focusing on real life issues i'm at much better place. I too got my own apartment, though my parents live right below my apartment but its empowering to have own's place and cook with my brother, go to gym, play with my cat and work. Even now i long for romantic stuff but i know things will come when I achieve my personal goals :) Anna, you and your team has been real help here. I will be joining your program soon. ^_^
So... His mother is involved... Hmm 🤔 I guess a lot of his hectic behavior could result from her covert influence, I would look into that first. When a husband and his mother unite against the daughter-in-law it kinda never ends well. Moreover, how can one continue any relationship after such crazy stuff? It's more healthy for the girl to get rid of both men for a while and put her life together, for her own sake. Much love ❤
This letter describes my present situation soo closely. Married at 20 but stay at home mom that wanted lots of kids. Only made it to 3 because I couldn't tolerate his narcissistic ways enough to burden our strained relationship with more children. Decided to leave. Started a new relationship. In therapy. Learned I've always codependent, have abandonment trauma and more from childhood experiences with parents, have disorganized attachment and ended up trauma bonding myself to this new person that could'nt love me properly. I've been withdrawing from the relationship. But now I feel hopeless about everything. I went from one abusive manipulative relationship to another. Loneliness and sadness sometimes makes me think of my estranged husband. But that would be the wrong decision too. I guess I just have to be single 😔
It will be the best thing for you though! I’m in the same boat, 54yrs putting everybody else before myself and resenting it. It’s time for you to love on you! Do only what you want to do (when kids allow 🙄)
Find out what it is that lights you up and makes you happy without involving another person! Like to craft, paint, sing, swim, or etc? Take a Zumba class, or just dance while cleaning house does help to get moving & stop worrying. You deserve to be happy, and you gotta make it happen. The kids will also learn this from you so make it good! 🤗 The Cycle stops with you!!
I could be wrong but that dude saying he's mourned the children he hasn't had seems to be a manipulation tool. Kinda making her pity him in some way. Granted I don't know the dude and have severe trust issues myself, sooo grain of salt comment
Yeah, that was my first instinct, but like Anna said, he might be saying it so technically because a therapist or counselor gave him that language. It really depends.
@@mintyhippo8125 yeah I know and agree, like I said grain of salt, I guess if I were in her shoes I couldn't go back after what he did and trust him.
@@cosmicgregg yeah, same
good catch. this is guilt tripping: a manipulation mastered by Narcissistic people. guilt trip.
That man completely disregarded her bodily autonomy. That is sick! He reduced her to an incubator. He is disgusting.
I stopped trusting anyone around age 8. Everyone betrays you, no need to be sad or hurt, just don't count on anyone to give a crap.
Sad I feel the same. I don’t know why I try anymore only to get used and hurt.
This is so true. Trust is a waste.
Same here. I wish I learned to not trust people sooner than I did.
So sorry you all feel like this. I know how that feels so well. I've been devastated also but have examined myself and all the situations where I've been hurt and realised that I had very little to no boundaries and that I also put alot of the responsibility and expectations on others to honour me and treat me well.
I have done the work on myself and gotten help so that I trust ME wholeheartedly and because of that, I don't worry about trusting others. If I feel something is off or that I am being disrespected, I ask myself what I want and need, then take action. Believe me it has taken alot of practice to honour myself and to speak up, and especially to be "seen" by others. Pray you all can get there too.
@@carmenmoore3834 Thank you for this. I really need to work on this. I have such a trusting heart.
My child’s father leaving me when I was pregnant ( and he really didn’t leave me he acted so poorly I had to leave) triggered my CPTSD. All the unresolved issues surfaced.
Your hair looks so amazing!
Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!!! Thank you Crappy Childhood Fairy, for another banger!
I just lost a “friend” who I now see was a user from the beginning. She stopped talking to me completely then sent mean texts, and she was being rude before that. She acts like I’m the one who did something wrong. All she wanted was to use me from the beginning. I don’t know why I try to make friends or find a bf/husband because I just always seem to get used. It’s so lonely though, always seeing people in couples and groups and I’m almost always alone.
I had a friend recently go crazy angry at me because I send her a 2 minute video. ( It was a video about a British man who has had a lot of facial surgery and now identifies as a Korean person. I simply asked her opinion on him.) Anyway, she got really angry at me for (she is neither British nor Korean by the way.) I let her calm down and a few days later I went on Facebook to see "hi." She had made her Facebook private so that all I could see was her profile picture, that's all. I found it so hurtful. I cannot understand why she did this.
@@awomansstory.2019 that’s awful. It really hurts when you consider someone a friend and they treat you like that.
My five cents here, the guy sounds not good and very manipulative, even this church thing he has seems so fake. I bet that not having kids was not the only issue in this marriage. Somehow I have a feeling if he really wants kids that badly, he will find another young and naive person in the church he can control and make her life miserable. Run Forest, run!
Thank you so much for mentioning abandonment melange from Pete Walker's book on C-PTSD. His books helped me understand so much about myself. I somehow missed this, but it definitely resonates with how I feel when I am in an emotional flashback.
I found that mention helpful as well and just spent my morning reading an article of his called Managing Abandonment Depression in Complex PTSD. I found it to be really insightful. I'm going to have to get his book.
I’m really glad “ Cheyenne” wrote the letter! It was soo helpful. TU
I met my ex husband at 22 and I was a HUGE mess at the time. I had major wounds from my past and was running from myself constantly. The last thing I wanted was a child to drag through my mess of a life. I ended up pregnant by him within the first month we were together. I immediately wanted to get an abortion because I knew I wasn't anywhere near ready for that responsibility. I also had a great fear of becoming a single mother. The sadness and shame of trying to raise a child who's father didn't give a shit weighed heavily on my decision to not want to go through with a birth. I told him all these concerns and to my surprise, he really wanted a baby. He was so convincing when he told me he would NEVER leave me or the baby and that he would always be there to support us. He begged me to have the child. I didn't have any reason to not believe him as most men during that time in my life were running from that responsibility. I gave in and had that child and another 13 months later while unbeknownst to me, the asshole was having an affair the whole time and then just decided to leave for the other woman one night. My kids were 18 and 5 months old. And it was right when the great recession hit hard. He also decided not to pay child support while he did drugs for 9 years straight. My life was a living hell and nightmare of stress and poverty for many many years. It's been 14 years later and I'm still battling this asshole narcissist and trying to protect my kids from him and I AM TIRED!!!! Good for this girl for knowing what she didn't want because the husband sounds like an immature asshole who would only have hurt her even more if she had his baby. His selfishness is apparent and she needs to divorce and stay single and heal herself. I know it sounds a little messed up but I wish I would've never believed him. I wish I would've left and never looked back. My children and I have suffered so immensely from his emotional abuse and I just want it to end!
Thank you for your honesty! 🙏🏻
Yes. This is what they do! They beg for the woman to keep the kids promising the moon. As soon as the children come they leave purposely and I think they get joy for leaving the woman as a single parent. I wish I could have seen the truth and signs at the beginning for the good of the kids too. At least someone else and their children can be protected.
@@tiffanyjohnson1676 they do get a sense of joy. It's all about power and control. They're demonic to the core. To make matters 100 times worse, I literally found out this afternoon my children and I more than likely have Marfan's Disease. It's a connective tissue disorder that affects the heart and we could literally die at any moment from an heart aneurysm. It's genetic and I had zero idea I even had it. Both of my children are showing signs. The doctor was pretty convinced. We have to go through a bunch of testing to find out for sure. The horrid part is that the amount of stress and anxiety he causes all of us will literally kill us. But in the upside, we wouldn't have to deal with him anymore. That's how bad he is.
Edit: I just got off the phone with him to tell him his sons more than likely have a fatal disease and he just told me he doesn't have time to talk because he has to go to work. You just can't make this shit up. Fucking sociopaths.
@@beatrixbrennan1545 My God...First of all let me say I am heartbroken to hear about your illnesses. I hope you guys get as much medical treatment as possible by the best doctors because the world needs more good people in it than bad. I have had my heart broken this last go around as well but I also believe that we can get better 🙏 I'm sadly not shocked or surprised that he said something inconsiderate, cruel or heartless. Its because they have no love for humanity in general. I just got finished reading Patricia Evans: The verbally abusive relationship book. It was incredible. It comes highly recommended for all survivors to read. I pray we remember how loved and important we actually are to those that love us and who really matter. ❤️ to you and your family ❤️ Tiffany.
@@tiffanyjohnson1676 Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm not surprised by his reaction in the slightest but it makes my heart so sad for my boys. My heart has always felt weak and I honestly don't know how much fight I have left in me to protect my children from his evils. He abandoned them for a side chick and a meth habit and subsequently killed that girl in the process of his own selfishness. I will fight till my last breath to save them from that horror. He will purposely stress them out to see them die early. Sociopaths love to kick people when they're down and give no care for who they destroy.
On a side note, I love that shirt on you! So quirky cute!
My husband was very shifty, distant, always 'working', always on his phone. Yes, he was having an affair with his married coworker.
Thanks for sharing your knowledge, it helps.
If your spouse changes their mind about having kids and starts doing sneaky things mid marriage is abuse, then I was abused too.
Thank you so much for mentioning that book by Pete Walker. I just found an article of his called Managing Abandonment Depression in Complex PTSD and in it he mentioned something called "attachment hunger" and a lightbulb just lit up for me. I have been dealing with this false hunger for ages but I never made the connection until now. This is really helpful insight.
Your videos have been wonderful. I really appreciate you and everything you're doing. I *finally* feel like I have found a community that truly understands. 💓
It is so helpful to listen to you during dealing with my family and their weird ways of communicating, IF you want to call it that, while caring for our elderly father.
I love your hair color!
Consult a divorce attorney! Did he decide he needed fatherhood just as the student debt payments started?
Anna - I love your work so much. I need this message, and I haven't watched it yet, but I already know I will get a lot out of it, thank you for handling this tough subject. with much love.
Thank you for your kind words! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I want her to see how much agency she secured for herself by being the one to leave her husband. When you have insecure attachment and fear abandonment, the loss of control can be so overwhelming but the strength she had to stand up for herself and walk away is something she needs to celebrate. No abandonment happened; she’s released him to find someone to marry who aligns with his values and goals and her decision is the opposite of abandoning her own self to a life of manipulation and unhappiness.
Thank you for sharing your support for the letter-writer! TeamFairy
Attachment without love. I'm in that situation. I hope you elaborate on that.
I feel like it's basically love without romantic love. Love doesn't go away just like that, but you can lose the romantic attraction if the man stops acting like a man consistently, and becomes indecisive and starts acting like an immature and temperamental man-child that you cannot feel safe and comfortable with like the man in the letter.
So I think the lady in the letter still feels love for him, but finds it very hard to trust him due to his immature and deceitful behavior. You cannot feel safe and comfortable with someone you don't trust, which means romantic love and attraction won't happen, unless she somehow decides to try and trust him again.
Holy heck, I needed this one.
I'm appalled about the stealthing. What he did is DANGEROUS, an unwanted pregnancy is dangerous. Please leave him, this man can ruin your life and he will just keep pressuring and deceiving you into having children.
Betrayal. .
happens from so many different nasty facts
You nail it.
Where did she think a reversed vasectomy was going? That he got it because he wanted to wear condoms?
She should have gotten her tubes tied. Wait. Dr's rarely will do it for women UNLESS their husbands agree or they've had a couple of kids.
I agree, she should have divorced him the moment it was reversed.
I still keep trying to reason with my mom. But it never works and I try again. Because I want her to see how upsetting and harmful her bullying is and was. I know I am wrong now because what I want would never ever happen now it is obvious. Only person I harm is me. It is hard to understand why she is so two faced and she makes stories .. so on..
This definitely happened to me just recently. >.
Unevenly Yoked. Not going to work.
CCF: This is the 3rd video from you recommending attending 12 Step Meetings...everything I see online for 12 Step Meetings says it is for the alcoholic...Any clarity? Is 12 step for CPTSD? I have CPTSD (2 Narc parents, 1 of them is Malignant).
Alcoholics Anonymous is the 12-step program for alcoholics. There are many others. Al-Anon for families of alcoholics, ACA for adult children of alcoholics and other dysfunctional families (they specifically address PTSD in their literature) and programs for food, sex, gambling, narcotics, and more.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Wow! Thanks! I'll do some more research with your detailed info. Thank you!
She needs to learn how to be there for herself first.... You can't live someone else until you learn how to love yourself!!
I want to sign up for the boot camp for $70 off and it wants to charge me full price- who can I contact?
If she is not upfront with her current "boyfriend" she could lose that friendship and relationship with him as well..
Will you please share a link to the book on abandonment melange
“CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” by Pete Walker amzn.to/3e7lw2u
-Cara@TeamFairy
What is the difference between love and attachment?
Regarding the rebound with the friend, I would just say enjoy the ride and this relationship. It might not last forever but it might be exactly the right thing you need to get through this period and probably much better experience. No need to be guilty here, your ex screwed up and not you!
Sounds good and fun except for the fact that the other person's heart could get really hurt. It is immoral, in my opinion, to start any kind of romantic entanglement with someone knowing you are not healed at all and are still so deep into the mess. You can explain to the other person IN THE BEGINNING what is happening in your life, ask for their support as a friend (that means friend, no flirting, no innuendo and certainly nothing physical), explicitly state what you can and can't offer and let them make an informed decision (maybe they agree or maybe they don't). As someone who has been on the other end of it, I can only say that I don't wish it on anyone and it has ruined a part of my soul that I will never heal completely but I pray that God restores it.
I feel bad that this soon to be ex just nodded and agreed with his fiancé' that they would never have kids when he really meant that he wanted to have kids and was just going to MAKE her have kids whether or not she wanted to. Was it his fault or was it something between him and his mom and maybe the church?
He's an adult that took an action to betray and rape his wife. He did that. He is responsible for that.
I'd be super careful about the fundamental church. There is a current ministry that pushes the narrativd "women should be submissive and "led" along with the "quiverful" propaganda. This ministry promotes a view of wome. Being Pregnant, quiet, servant etc. Not sure if that is what she wants. Religion can be used as a club by some men to control women
I'd be supercareful.
Twenty years old used to be a fairly normal age to get married. What makes it "so young"?
Luckily you don't have to deal with the stigma of being a single mom and trying to live and date.
Imagine a world where a girl stepping up and paying for mens mistakes is a stigm... oh wait we are long there
I can't forgive anyone who wronged me and I don't know why. I'm so frustrated with myself and I feel guilty because I blow off sometimes about things that have happened years ago.
I definitely do push/pull with my husband. I know it's emotional abuse but I can't seem to stop myself. I've considered leaving because I know I'm hurting him but I don't know where I would go because I currently don't have a job or a degree of any kind. So it ends up feeling like another push/pull situation. 😩
Is it possible to forgive a person but never trust them again??
Why did she go along with him having a vasectomy then? Why did she not tell him that he wants children, she doesn,t, so thats it?
She needs to save herself and walk away..
1:45 oops, name disclosure?
Never. Just the wrong fake name.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Ok, whew!
Praying she gets therapy,medication and CODA to help herself .
That is terrible.. 👎
You may want to check your name use at 1:40 or so.
Nice catch
Let's call her "TRACY."
@@badeugenecops4741 no she said Cheyenne replay it
@heytheredollfacex, @Ha_Ha. You're right, I said the fake name for the later video I taped that day (to be published on Friday). I cut it out. Thanks for telling me! Rest assured though, the names are never real!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Oh good! I'm glad.
Thank you for your videos!
I think this is a very teachable time in her life....
Both of these individuals are deceptive. Marriage has nothing to do with salvation.
I quit trusting people years ago. Nobody gets the benefit of the doubt anymore......nobody.
I would LOVE to send this to my ex (that I still live with AND is dating the girl he cheated on me with) but he wouldn't watch it. He would be a better person if he could be honest.
What would you get by him being a better person?
@@hyperchord we should all want the best for each other. I don't have it in my heart to feel hate. I'm super annoyed but I don't hate.
@@eciesz Sorry, what I said what very confrontational. I wish all the people who hurt me would learn to not be jerks. But that doesn't change that they hurt me, no matter what I try to do
@@eciesz take this with love from an old lady diagnosed with bipolar decades ago. You're not your diagnosis friend. Not sure why you're living in that triggering environment or choose to use a diagnosis as your user name but consider backing away from both. Hope for your healing 😘
@@katiekane5247 thank you. He is moving to AZ in a short amount of time and I am taking over his place so I can sell my house.
Sadly, I am my diagnosis but you're right, it isn't my identity. Changing the name ❤️❤️❤️
I love your channel and your common sense. However, now at 65 I have changed my mind about early marriage. I think 20 is an excellent age to get married. All the people I know who married young are together. I feel this is very cultural and learned idea of age and marriage. People may be immature but they are flexible. There are now some very good voices about this - younger than me - that somehow we think about marrying at 30 odd. The number of available men has so much reduced by this age and this is a very unfashionable thing to say. Of course we are all bound by the society we live in, it is natural, and the idea of 'choices' 'what is right for me' etc this is where I departed from 12 step thinking . - I think that within the word marriage is an implication that this will involve children and a partner who is depriving another partner of this fundamental need is not fully committed to that other person. I do not agree with this man's actions at all - far from it - but I have been in a relationship where my partner did not want children - it was agony because fundamentally he was not committed to me. Returning to basic monotheism sets out the Agenda which is so much simpler and wiser than the thousands of so called choices that I have been given by contemporary culture. I learned so much from 12 step programmes, but also learned a lot of New Age stuff which has really made my thinking and life far more complicated than it needs to be. If there had been no Pill in the 70s I would be a Mum - I am not I am alone and 67 no children. Seems really like the choices I was given as a young woman were not so smart. I am in a set of friends all in the same boat. Yes we are all educated beyond our wildest dreams, fulfilled our aspirations - so much available to women in the 80s and the baby boomers, but you cannot go to bed with a doctoral certificate. I have a w class friend - much smarter than me, not educated but fell in love young, married at 20 and v. happy with her 4 children. My intellectual clout is a high price to pay for her clear happiness, joie de vivre and surrounded by family and children. I have joined my voice to a new current of thought which questions some basic precepts of Feminism - am I against birth control? No. Does it have its downsides as well as its upsides. Yes. Leaving marriage until you have gone to college? Why not go to college and get married - they really are not mutually exclusive.
My mom has always said the same thing about marriage, but now I am 25 and single. I would have been happy to meet someone at any time, but all my partners in the past left me after 6 months or less. I think this is very common. Plenty of people are not against marriage, it's just so fricking hard to find someone. It's been about 10 months since my last relationship with a guy I thought I was going to get married to but who was actually lying to me and had no intention of doing so. A few guys have asked me since then, but they were all complete losers and I knew there was no possibility of anything good without even going on one date.
But on the other hand I know I would never want to be a housewife either, being home all the time drives me insane.
I just want to point out that there are absolutely no guarantees that your adult children will give a damn about you in your old age, esecially if they are sons. The women I know who are claiming a fulfilling relationship with their offspring are generally kowtowing to them and keeping them well supplied with money and favors. Not the other way around.
We can romantize the past but it’s important to remember that many then - including those with kids - weren’t happy and felt stifled by not having a choice.
‘Feminism’ has become a catchall for every (now regretted) choice that some women make but I think it is important to note that younger women today do not see ‘feminism’ as having to choose between doing meaningful work or having kids. Or at least the ones I know don’t.
They believe that it means they can have it all - and many do. Not at the same time necessarily and, sure, they might step back from outside work when the child is young but they come back when he or she is in school, perhaps even part-time, and continue to contribute to the greater society in that way. And, working with many, I’ve seen how they do make valuable contributions that positively impact the lives of other people and, in a small way (and sometimes not so small way,) do make the world a better place. Their not being in the workforce would be a loss not only to themselves but to a lot of other people.
That said, I do recognize that society and culture change and if you were young at a time when you were taught that work (no matter how meaningful) could take the place of intimate relationships, then I feel a lot of compassion for you. Times change and figuring things out is an ongoing individual and societal process and sometimes we, unfortunately, just hit the timeline at the wrong time...
Many people who get married that young also don't believe in divorce for any reason. Be careful romanticizing long marriages without looking at the quality.
I'm damn glad i didn't marry that emotional disaster of a man I dated when I was 20. I wasn't experienced enough to understand that some people are trouble and should be avoided.
Well, I haven't even watched this yet, and all I can think of is how my trust has been betrayed by our govt. leaders, our public health agencies, and all the 'authorities' who collaborated on this giant mess of the past 3 years. We've been thrown into, now, revisions of what was normal that have created multiple, new alternate realities about what is truth and facts, and what is misinformation, or disinformation -- when most of the mis- and disinformation has been perpetrated by the 'authorities', with heavy-handed authoritarianism bordering on totalitarianism. And it has most definitely been a violation of our Constitutional rights, and our human rights. This betrayal by authorities, in societies around the world, is the worst kind of betrayal because it shakes your trust in others, and the systems you've come to understand, and it leaves those of us who see it, uncertain about navigating our future going forward. Not to mention, in the midst of global economic meltdown and all the buzz about a possible 'nuclear engagement.' There are sociopaths and psychopaths at the helm of all this madness -- ruling elites and their legions of puppets that enable their machinations -- and we, the people, are the pawns on their chess boards. If that isn't scaring the crap out of everyone, well, they may not be paying enough attention to these warning signals. BTW: I am a lifelong liberal, very progressive, always vote democrat and I feel especially betrayed by the entire democrat party and this administration due to all the 'woke' insanity, the cancel culture, the partisanship at the expense of critical thinking during this episode, and the continuing to double-down instead of acknowledging their errors and beginning to dial it back, make apologies, make reparations for the myriad layers of damage done to millions of people's lives, and stop the Big Medicine / Big Pharma cabal from controlling this steamroller of madness. That cabal is working in tandem with all the others that run the global machinery, of course, They're all intertwined, with the Military Ind. Complex playing perhaps the biggest role, at this point. Who knows. Point it: we are on the precipice of an unknown future, and not only can we NOT trust our governance and authorities in the limited ways we could a few years back, we also are polarized -- in many ways irrevocably -- from friends and family who sided with the 'lockdown, 3-ft apart, 2 masks is best, and get-your-jab or I'll never speak to you again' faction, and have lost jobs and/or careers due to unscientific mandates and undue fear. Therefore, betrayal has occurred at every level. I am permanently changed, and more protective than ever in my long life. I know there are ways to keep bringing light and love into one's daily life, but it is a whole new world, and those actions require a different set of choices. [sorry for the rant] 🌟☮💞
Wouldn’t she feel guilt because she is cheating on her husband? Whoa, this women (who wrote the letter) (so far) seems to be “the victim” & others are the justification for her victimhood and ultimately their fault for her bad behavior. I really hope this women says something about that aspect & not just side with her.
Wish I could afford to leave but I can’t 😢
I’m a bit confused with this one: ok he’s had a vasectomy, then reversed: but she kinda went along with this, realistically what other way was he going to take this, other than at some stage they would have a baby. The condom thing is a big no. They decided to split but remained married, but both seem to want the relationship. She’s moved on but he hasn’t, she’s now in another relationship but hasn’t left her marriage. I think both people aren’t really ready to move on, but I would think it might be a good idea for her to step back from the new relationship as she can never be fully invested. Leave her marriage as her trust is gone for her husband and go solo. There was a big issue with him getting the vasectomy in first place at such a young age and her saying the reversal was ok. Hopefully with help and insight she can heal and move on happy.