I literally just thought "why isn't there more info out there about autism and self harm?" the other day and opened youtube and saw this! thanks for talking about this. I relate to much of what you said and its great to hear someone put it into words
Yep, this was me too, I've still got the scars on my left arm (cause I'm right-handed 😅) And omg, the immediate coping mechanism/ instinct of wanting to die or hurt yourself as a reaction to literally anything bad (and sometimes just anything inconvenient)!!! Me 100%. That's been my day today, I haven't hurt myself but I've had a vile day and I'm forever wishing I could just disappear. Existence is pain and all that 🤦🏻♀️ It's never a sensory experience for me, I'm hypersensitive and have a non-existent pain threshold, I just tend to get angry with myself at least once a day and have a serious self-loathing issue. I think mine comes form a place of punishing myself for having my usual reactions to bad shit and blaming myself. When I get angry I'm almost always angry at myself the most.
For me, cutting kept me from dissociating after trauma. The pain kept me in my body. It gave me something to focus on and calmed me down. I suppose it also triggers the release of endogenous opiates. Perhaps that's why it is so damned hard to stop. (But I did, many many years ago.) I just found you on here, and I really appreciate what you have to say. 🙃🙂
Haha nice to find someone that swears as much as me. I stopped self harming in my late twenties and didn’t do it for 13 years but always wanted to. As burnout has avalanched I started picking my legs and my legs are a fucking mess, but then I started cutting again recently. I feel for me it’s overwhelm but have got to get to the bottom of specifics cos I’m causing serious damage and that’s with stopping myself. Thanks for sharing your experience hun, I look forward to watching your other videos, the more I learn about autism the more I start to understand myself, I was diagnosed this year at 41
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your experience! Burnout is an absolute bitch, I hope you’re able to find some specifics and get to a healthier happier place 💕
I'm 49. Getting my evaluation next week. I've been cutting on and off since I was 16. It's nice to know I'm not alone, that some adults also self-harm, even though this really sucks. Most videos are about children.
Not diagnosed but I suspect I am neurodivergent one way or another. I have a similar story to you, where I couldn't really explain at the time why I initially got into self harm, but it's stayed with me for far longer than I anticipated. What I've realized is that for me it is consistently about the sensory experience. Sometimes it comes from being understimulated and wanting deep sensation (doing exercises like planking or using an acupuncture mat help in that case), sometimes it comes from an intense spike in anxiety--- in that case it's like my hands move on their own, and the feeling brings me back to reality. It's been really difficult to get away from it, because there really is nothing that feels the same, and logically I don't really see why I shouldn't do it. But it makes the people in my life sad, and I know there are more productive ways to get what I need, so I try to keep incidents to a minimum.
It is an important topic. My granddaughter had a friend that cut, and I don't think they helped her feel anything but damaged. Sometimes I wonder if parents and friends just don't know what to do, so they turn them over to a doctor or inpatient hospital. I'm hoping they are good people that are trying to get to the root of the problem. The same is with eating disorders and other types of disorders. Asking questions and listening is a start. But there must be given some hope that whatever is hurting them will be worked on or changed.
(HUGE TW: I'm describing the reasons why I sh and the sensations I was seeking for while doing it, so DONT READ IF UR NOT COMFTORABLE WITH READING IT.) I feel like I don't only sh for the pain, I feel like I do it for the other sensations like you said... just in general, feels very satisfying seeing the way the cuts look when I make them, and the way would raise on my arm the day after. It would create a bumpy sensation on my arm when I would rub my hand or face across my it. It was extremely soothing, and I loved to do it when I was bored or anxious, so what you said about how sh felt like a fidget toy really resonated with me. (Btw I'm not sure if I am autistic yet I've just been only doing reseacrh and reviewing how I conducted myself in the past because my therapist told me I needed to look into the possibility of having it.)
I work in an autism specialist school. I'm also autistic myself. We do a lot of training on handling "undesirable behaviour" in our kids. Some of the training strategies I've heard of are truly awful. The set of strategies we've focused on recently are much better than previously. It's called Studio 3 and it focuses on understanding and minimal hands-on intervention. Before we started the training proper, we had a discussion about our "tolerances" for these behaviours. How we feel when we see people doing potentially extreme things. This relates to when you mentioned self harm and how it's not something happening to a carer or support worker. It is. It's awful to see someone else going through that. I know that can take the focus away from the care user but it's important that the staff around them are emotionally regulated themselves so they can engage with the care user at their best. We talk about tolerances so that we know when we've reached out limit and the care user will need a different staff member to take over supporting them.
I get fucking twisted up talking about money too The growth of your confidence has been inspiring and has brought many smiles of joy to my face and heart. Thanks for the relatability and the vulnerability and the authenticity and the sparkle you share with your videos
I hardly remember what my childhood was like which scares me. I don't know if this is what I experienced :') I know for a fact I've never had a sensory overload from the memory I remember, but I sometimes get anxious thinking about what I could have been like. My mom says when I was super young, I'd hit my head against the wall or pull out my hair in frustration when I was sad or angry and didn't know what to do with my emotions. She also said that I used to be a lot more social and said hello and complimented strangers just as my mom and I went to places, and that I'd always find something to compliment somebody on. I get nervous all the time though, thinking about what kind of awful monster I could have been that I just didn't remember... I have a feeling the hitting and pulling thing I did to myself was definitely true though, cause I have an awful fear of pain, that likely came from those experiences. Like, even just seeing something that could look painful, like some piercings or bruises unnerve me, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was because trauma that my autism may have caused :')
I'm 49, and I have so few memories of childhood! I have complex PTSD from being abused, but I think most of us probably have CPTSD to some degree. Being autistic in a neurotypical world is traumatic!
Hi, I’m 27, have wanted to cut for a very long time, actually have before (in ways people don’t notice) but would immediately feel bad about it: weak, ungrateful, a disappointment, etc. I want to because it does give me the adrenaline and the ability to breathe after the sting dies down, which seems so backwards. But I’ve only wanted to do it when I’m overwhelmed and I’ve honestly always liked the pressure. I’ve always liked physical pressure as opposed to emotional pressure and cutting was a way to press the physical pressure in order to release the emotional pressure. However the drawback has been an addiction to physical pain. I bite on occasion and definitely have punched my steering wheel too many times to count while screaming, most of the time on the same 2 spots on my right hand. Loved getting my tattoos, wish I could get more (for a few reasons). Better coping tools that may help- weighted items (blankets, jackets, pants, etc) and rewatching a comfort show for the gazilionth time
Serious topic with lots of Introspection. I wonder if the overwhelming emotion cannot be expunged through normal means of verbal expression which will leave to unusual behaviors that do expunge these overwhelming feelings. People who cannot expunge emotions verbally have to go outside of the box (non-typical responses). Is this it?
I hate to clame being a self dianosed autistic but a lot of tbings add up. Im currently 25 and after obsessing over videos, articles, assesments im suspecting that I am autistic.
This. Yes. Same and it’s been so frustrating I’ve been years seeing many doctors both the general sense with my primary doctor as well as many different psych/mental health doctors. It’s been years and I have been on and off many meds and all they ever seem to do is play this game tossing me back and forth because it doesn’t make sense that there’s something more but yet I don’t totally respond to the meds like I don’t know tbh it’s kinda weird but that there im like it’s because I’m just too smart and they aren’t looking at the right thing/ in the right ways lol but really what do I know .. which yes that is sarcasm because the doctors are all dumb and too egotistical to be listening to a little girl lol like I mean i know deep down (lol I say deep because it’s there, sometimes a little bit of it I can feel it, they try and blow out my sparkle iykyk lol) I’m an Einstein like fr yes i may cry because there were cracks in the tile and I had to sweep but was unable to causing me to have a breakdown in front of everyone at my moms work, but I was homeschooled my junior/senior year and legit taught myself how to do physics alone while the so called teacher hadn’t even taken it lol okay so it’s obv in there somewhere lol it’s just misplaced
I'm 26, also not diagnosed and not really looking for it either. Me, My parents and the schools I've been to suspected it. I'm not sure why no one did anything when I was a kid because a diagnosis may have prevented some harm. Now I'm relatively functional, so I don't really see the point in persuing a diagnosis. I feel like having that on my record at this point will do more harm than good.
I literally just thought "why isn't there more info out there about autism and self harm?" the other day and opened youtube and saw this! thanks for talking about this. I relate to much of what you said and its great to hear someone put it into words
Yep, this was me too, I've still got the scars on my left arm (cause I'm right-handed 😅) And omg, the immediate coping mechanism/ instinct of wanting to die or hurt yourself as a reaction to literally anything bad (and sometimes just anything inconvenient)!!! Me 100%.
That's been my day today, I haven't hurt myself but I've had a vile day and I'm forever wishing I could just disappear. Existence is pain and all that 🤦🏻♀️
It's never a sensory experience for me, I'm hypersensitive and have a non-existent pain threshold, I just tend to get angry with myself at least once a day and have a serious self-loathing issue.
I think mine comes form a place of punishing myself for having my usual reactions to bad shit and blaming myself. When I get angry I'm almost always angry at myself the most.
Hello, I found your comment very interesting and I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about this topic?
For me, cutting kept me from dissociating after trauma. The pain kept me in my body. It gave me something to focus on and calmed me down. I suppose it also triggers the release of endogenous opiates. Perhaps that's why it is so damned hard to stop. (But I did, many many years ago.)
I just found you on here, and I really appreciate what you have to say. 🙃🙂
Haha nice to find someone that swears as much as me. I stopped self harming in my late twenties and didn’t do it for 13 years but always wanted to. As burnout has avalanched I started picking my legs and my legs are a fucking mess, but then I started cutting again recently. I feel for me it’s overwhelm but have got to get to the bottom of specifics cos I’m causing serious damage and that’s with stopping myself. Thanks for sharing your experience hun, I look forward to watching your other videos, the more I learn about autism the more I start to understand myself, I was diagnosed this year at 41
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your experience! Burnout is an absolute bitch, I hope you’re able to find some specifics and get to a healthier happier place 💕
I'm 49. Getting my evaluation next week. I've been cutting on and off since I was 16. It's nice to know I'm not alone, that some adults also self-harm, even though this really sucks. Most videos are about children.
the part about wanting to d ie and or self harm when facing any inconvenience is so trueeeeeeee TT
Not diagnosed but I suspect I am neurodivergent one way or another. I have a similar story to you, where I couldn't really explain at the time why I initially got into self harm, but it's stayed with me for far longer than I anticipated. What I've realized is that for me it is consistently about the sensory experience. Sometimes it comes from being understimulated and wanting deep sensation (doing exercises like planking or using an acupuncture mat help in that case), sometimes it comes from an intense spike in anxiety--- in that case it's like my hands move on their own, and the feeling brings me back to reality. It's been really difficult to get away from it, because there really is nothing that feels the same, and logically I don't really see why I shouldn't do it. But it makes the people in my life sad, and I know there are more productive ways to get what I need, so I try to keep incidents to a minimum.
I do it a lot in my autistic meltdown and when I'm mad
You’re not alone in that, I hope you’re able to find alternative ways to feel better 💕
It is an important topic. My granddaughter had a friend that cut, and I don't think they helped her feel anything but damaged. Sometimes I wonder if parents and friends just don't know what to do, so they turn them over to a doctor or inpatient hospital. I'm hoping they are good people that are trying to get to the root of the problem. The same is with eating disorders and other types of disorders. Asking questions and listening is a start. But there must be given some hope that whatever is hurting them will be worked on or changed.
(HUGE TW: I'm describing the reasons why I sh and the sensations I was seeking for while doing it, so DONT READ IF UR NOT COMFTORABLE WITH READING IT.)
I feel like I don't only sh for the pain, I feel like I do it for the other sensations like you said... just in general, feels very satisfying seeing the way the cuts look when I make them, and the way would raise on my arm the day after. It would create a bumpy sensation on my arm when I would rub my hand or face across my it. It was extremely soothing, and I loved to do it when I was bored or anxious, so what you said about how sh felt like a fidget toy really resonated with me.
(Btw I'm not sure if I am autistic yet I've just been only doing reseacrh and reviewing how I conducted myself in the past because my therapist told me I needed to look into the possibility of having it.)
I have been emotionally self-harming for far too long, it's such easy thing to hide, & near impossible to stop.
I work in an autism specialist school. I'm also autistic myself. We do a lot of training on handling "undesirable behaviour" in our kids. Some of the training strategies I've heard of are truly awful. The set of strategies we've focused on recently are much better than previously. It's called Studio 3 and it focuses on understanding and minimal hands-on intervention. Before we started the training proper, we had a discussion about our "tolerances" for these behaviours. How we feel when we see people doing potentially extreme things. This relates to when you mentioned self harm and how it's not something happening to a carer or support worker. It is. It's awful to see someone else going through that. I know that can take the focus away from the care user but it's important that the staff around them are emotionally regulated themselves so they can engage with the care user at their best. We talk about tolerances so that we know when we've reached out limit and the care user will need a different staff member to take over supporting them.
I get fucking twisted up talking about money too
The growth of your confidence has been inspiring and has brought many smiles of joy to my face and heart. Thanks for the relatability and the vulnerability and the authenticity and the sparkle you share with your videos
I hardly remember what my childhood was like which scares me. I don't know if this is what I experienced :')
I know for a fact I've never had a sensory overload from the memory I remember, but I sometimes get anxious thinking about what I could have been like. My mom says when I was super young, I'd hit my head against the wall or pull out my hair in frustration when I was sad or angry and didn't know what to do with my emotions. She also said that I used to be a lot more social and said hello and complimented strangers just as my mom and I went to places, and that I'd always find something to compliment somebody on.
I get nervous all the time though, thinking about what kind of awful monster I could have been that I just didn't remember... I have a feeling the hitting and pulling thing I did to myself was definitely true though, cause I have an awful fear of pain, that likely came from those experiences. Like, even just seeing something that could look painful, like some piercings or bruises unnerve me, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was because trauma that my autism may have caused :')
I'm 49, and I have so few memories of childhood! I have complex PTSD from being abused, but I think most of us probably have CPTSD to some degree. Being autistic in a neurotypical world is traumatic!
Fantastic video, brave and important so share your perspective. Helps me understand a loved one
Hi, I’m 27, have wanted to cut for a very long time, actually have before (in ways people don’t notice) but would immediately feel bad about it: weak, ungrateful, a disappointment, etc. I want to because it does give me the adrenaline and the ability to breathe after the sting dies down, which seems so backwards. But I’ve only wanted to do it when I’m overwhelmed and I’ve honestly always liked the pressure. I’ve always liked physical pressure as opposed to emotional pressure and cutting was a way to press the physical pressure in order to release the emotional pressure. However the drawback has been an addiction to physical pain. I bite on occasion and definitely have punched my steering wheel too many times to count while screaming, most of the time on the same 2 spots on my right hand. Loved getting my tattoos, wish I could get more (for a few reasons). Better coping tools that may help- weighted items (blankets, jackets, pants, etc) and rewatching a comfort show for the gazilionth time
Serious topic with lots of Introspection. I wonder if the overwhelming emotion cannot be expunged through normal means of verbal expression which will leave to unusual behaviors that do expunge these overwhelming feelings. People who cannot expunge emotions verbally have to go outside of the box (non-typical responses). Is this it?
i totally understand .
Thank you for talking about this! 🤍
Thanks for starting the conversation
I think I have autism and adhd. I self harm because it makes the voices go away 😢
I hate to clame being a self dianosed autistic but a lot of tbings add up. Im currently 25 and after obsessing over videos, articles, assesments im suspecting that I am autistic.
This. Yes. Same and it’s been so frustrating I’ve been years seeing many doctors both the general sense with my primary doctor as well as many different psych/mental health doctors. It’s been years and I have been on and off many meds and all they ever seem to do is play this game tossing me back and forth because it doesn’t make sense that there’s something more but yet I don’t totally respond to the meds like I don’t know tbh it’s kinda weird but that there im like it’s because I’m just too smart and they aren’t looking at the right thing/ in the right ways lol but really what do I know .. which yes that is sarcasm because the doctors are all dumb and too egotistical to be listening to a little girl lol like I mean i know deep down (lol I say deep because it’s there, sometimes a little bit of it I can feel it, they try and blow out my sparkle iykyk lol) I’m an Einstein like fr yes i may cry because there were cracks in the tile and I had to sweep but was unable to causing me to have a breakdown in front of everyone at my moms work, but I was homeschooled my junior/senior year and legit taught myself how to do physics alone while the so called teacher hadn’t even taken it lol okay so it’s obv in there somewhere lol it’s just misplaced
I'm 26, also not diagnosed and not really looking for it either. Me, My parents and the schools I've been to suspected it. I'm not sure why no one did anything when I was a kid because a diagnosis may have prevented some harm.
Now I'm relatively functional, so I don't really see the point in persuing a diagnosis. I feel like having that on my record at this point will do more harm than good.
I have autism and I do that but I'm trying to recover
Thank you for sharing ❤
I hit myself in the don’t cut