Letting Go Of Neurotypical Life Expectations - Learning to be Autistic Ep. 16
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- Опубліковано 9 тра 2022
- Could be a video showing I've created too many life outlooks based on Kevin Smith movies, or it could be really quite insightful, I have no idea which it is though.
/ dana_._andersen
/ danaoandersen
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Just diagnosed at 65. I finally understand why I struggled so intensely with normal stuff. I was funny and beautiful and could be quite outgoing. I couldn’t hold jobs for any length of time. I was good at being a housewife and absolutely kicked ass as a Mom. I have had some real happy parts of my life. Now I’m getting Social Security and living a lovely peaceful life at last.
Autistic van lifer here. It is challenging and I reckon my version of van life probably looks very different to an allistic one. But there's alot about it that suits my particular presentation of autism. It helps me keep my home clean and tidy for example and it definitely helps my depression.
I'm basically terrified every minute of every day whatever I'm doing, so at some point I decided to make that my superpower and do something that's worth the anxiety.
That’s brilliant! Like i KNOW theres autistic people living every different lifestyle, but it’s always nice to see evidence haha.
I think a lot of us work better with what’s considered ‘alternative’ lifestyles and living arrangements, it’s just finding the one that works for the individual that can be really challenging, and I’m glad you’ve managed it!
This was the video i needed to see. Almost 30 here. From personal experience, some of us are in a way steered to be neurotypical , especially as a high functioning autistic because , " You are just as intelligent as we are, why do you not want the same things as them: Career, independent living, being sexually active, having a family, travel, etc". A level 1 autistic not pursuing a neurotypical lifestyle is seen as " Wasting Potential ". The only expected thing i accomplished is completing university and working a part time job. My former neurotypical friends perceive me as lazy because i didn't complete or obtain the same things they have despite me being older. Also Identifying as Autistic leads to everyone else treating us with infantilization and disrespect. Which is why i don't disclose that fact about myself. Either i push myself and mask to appear at the same level or be infantilized as the " tiny tim" of the friend group. No, thank you.
I’m sorry you started to depress yourself. It’s a tough situation. I’m 42 and for me the thing that I have struggled with most is kids. I have other problems, there are great autistic parents, but I would never have been a good mother even if life had given me a chance at it. It’s not all easy if you meet expectations though. My friend is married to a doctor of analytical chemistry, she has two degrees and three wonderful boys. It’s only when the eldest was starting to show signs of being autistic that she’s realised that she too is autistic. To show how much education nhs workers need in autism in women she is a mental health occupational therapist and has been for some time yet never had enough knowledge to diagnose herself. Anyway they have a huge house in an expensive area, a couple of dogs and from the outside looking in she fulfilled expectations of an intelligent woman who wanted a family. She struggles all the time, her husband often has to travel for work leaving her alone with the boys who are angels but still young boys she has had to take huge chunks off of work due to stress. She can mask brilliantly but we all know what that does to us. Giving up expectations for many will stop us becoming unwell, I too deal with anxiety and depression and I tried a-levels repeatedly before being diagnosed and dropped out every time due to my mental health, attending a physical university with all that entails would have harmed me,although the open university is something I think about often, I did short courses with them and they were extremely supportive, I actually enjoy studying if it’s in my own environment, I like learning stuff. Anyway I hope you found something that improved your mood. Please remember that you are really still young and have a lot of life to live and enjoy on your own terms. It’s harder having a late diagnosis but it’s not a barrier to happiness. Maybe you are destined for a simple job making burgers while you have a lot of happiness being with your cats and girlfriend. Right now I’m getting distracted by the dog I care for who objects to me using my phone so much, he’s not wrong, I need to learn to be concise. I’m going to go and play with him and I will be happy when I do. Your goals don’t have to be huge to make you happy and sometimes achieving the huge goals can make you seriously unhappy. My therapist hates when I use the word should because he believes that if I feel like I should have done something it’s an outside influence on me rather than something I really want. I’m learning to filter out the outside pressures to focus on the things I truly want. It’s not easy and no one gets everything they truly want but I can’t control everything just do my best to be happy and I think the same is true for everyone else too.
One of the things that gets to me is the fact that "going places" in life is not about what you, just who you know. Then there's my autistic ass that only learned last week that evidently NTs stay in somewhat regular contact with old employers if they were good. Social networking in general is such a chore for me when there is something to be doing, let alone reaching out to people with no intention to do anything other than talk.
At 20 years old, I could speak 2 languages conversationally in addition to my native language, and I wanted (still do) to get into a job that used that. But because I don't know anyone that could be used as a reference for it and I don't have a fancy degree from a prestigious school, I'm stuck to the same old worn out options.
I don't mean to be so negative, I just somehow find it oddly comforting that other people feel similarly
‘It’s not the life for me. And yet, I want to be the person for whom that life is for.’
Omg you just condensed my 2-year long burnout into one brilliant sentence. I had so many huge life changes when the pandemic started and I just fell apart. They weren’t even related to the pandemic, it was just really bad timing.
I’m finally just starting to pick myself up, but I hate that it’s taken this long. I’m in the latter half of my 20s and feel like I’ve missed out on so much, I’ve been blindsided from every angle. I already aged out of young adult services here, and any sort of help just gets farther away as I age. I can’t work a regular job but I don’t qualify for my country’s welfare programs. Ironically, I don’t have enough working experience. And even if I did, I still don’t qualify because my spouse is neurotypical. And even if he were disabled and we both qualify, I’d still get less aid than I would if I were single.
Every time i think there’s a way out, another obstacle is put in my way, and my burnout is starting to affect my husband (and he’s got enough to deal with as a mental health worker).
Ive taken some big steps to rearrange my lifestyle/expectations so I can be my true self, and it’s been quite a journey, I’ve discovered a lot about myself and some good has come of it. But it’s still hard not to grieve the life I thought I would have. I’m fighting to stay afloat but I’ve already swallowed a lot of water.
@@Broccomonster I’m coming out the other side, thx :) I’m even starting a new part-time job soon 🤞
I was an extra in a Kevin Smith movie (Jersey Girl), during the part of my life when I did not yet know I was Autistic...
I had to hit rock bottom to realize...Life is so much more than just success....failure will keep looking you in the eye until you accept it as part of living. I have failed at many things...trying to get a boyfriend, trying to maintain close friendships, i keep trying...i don't care if I'm bad at it...but i have one life to live and you bet your ass I'm gonna try to get the things I want...within my capacity...i love this one phrase and keep it close to keep me grounded .."every d3ad body on Everest was once a highly motivated person" so remember to know your own pace and keep going !
Happiness comes from doing what you like and are capable of, not what other people think is "right" or "the norm". As autists our abilities and aspirations are not the norm; indeed they're not the same as those of others with autism. We need to choose what is right for us and not feel we need to match others.
perfect timing! i was just diagnosed yesterday (i’m 17)
Woah nice! I’m 17 and got diagnosed younger :3
“Hopes and dreams do need to be let go of.” 💗 I’d like to see the video about “normal” relationships. I had a friend (girl) that I had a crush on, and I get the hint that maybe, just maybe she isn’t happy with the guy she’s with? Idk I feel like I’d be a good gf to her or another girl. Lol….. I want to have crushes on people again.
Yooooooo…. When you said “it doesn’t need to be something big,” I feel so much better about the current stare of my life. Those are comforting words. Thank you.
Yeah I enjoyed lockdown as well ^^ I love being inside sometimes too. Going out is good for me as well. Yo I dated someone too….
I totally think it's a good idea to know that you don't want to go to uni. I did want to say if you're ever interested in the educational aspect of it, since COVID there is a much larger amount of online classes that you can take at your own pace.
I appreciate your courage and honesty. I wish I had your awareness when I was 25. It could have saved so much unnecessary trauma that occurred because I kept pushing myself. Just knowing that I was susceptible to environmental and social stress and triggers. The perpetual exhaustion and meltdowns, etc. I might not have reached a state of burnout that has driven me to near complete isolation. And self destructed my career and earning ability. I thought I was autistic all my life, but I left it like that. I didn't investigate or research to learn that most of my struggles related directly to being autistic. In my awkward, convoluted way I'm just trying to say thank you. Your video feels really affirming. (Which is something because I usually can't identify feelings.) I'm glad you give yourself permission to be yourself. Live life on your terms.
Edit: I reread my comment and thought "wow, that's kind of depressing". So I thought I should add that being autistic also gives me insight and ability that allowed me to excell creatively. I'm trying to rearrange my life and expectations and channel my talents once again. Hopefully, lol.
Sooo relatable. I'm in a burnout that I cannot see an end to. Lost my job again. Have to move again. And it's affected my creative ability. It feels like I've pushed myself past the point of no return this time. A bit dreadful! Anyway, this too shall pass.
What sort of creative outlets do you enjoy?
I don't know how to quite put it into words, but from my own life experiences, it is better to do what you enjoy and find fulfilling, don't let societal pressure get in the way. Maybe it's just how I think but I need everything to be done on my own terms or at least meet in the middle. People probably won't like it to hear it but you have to kinda take advantage whenever anything works out, no matter how small. But at the same time, life should be this ordinary thing with no or few expectations for most of us, you'd be surprised when you do something a bit more than ordinary. Remember, we aren't living in a movie. Life is far messier and will always get in the way, it's not a bad thing, it's just how it is. We all get our own paths in life to forge and sorry if it's cliched but slow and steady wins the race. We might regret not doing some things in life as we get older, but we'll definitely regret not having enough time for people or hobbies or staying in a job or with a person that doesn't fit. I'm just happy learning, reading, gaming and travelling to random places to go for a walk, nothing else matters to me no more.
Also what film is the clip in the video from? I kinda relate.
I hope you're doing well, this was a helpful and honest video! Thanks for sharing
I admire your self awareness! You're wise to see yourself through your own eyes instead of someone else's.
cats food and laptop. my life these days
such an important thing to keep in mind. We have to be inner directed and not feel bad about it. The whole video was just Awesome dana. It's LIke I collect post card and tourist books on ROme, Italy, and britain, but travel actually would be Too stressful for me, and experiences in general are Not my favorite things, I love ideas and movies and Top Notch youtube philosophers like Dana.
Life has a habit of turning out not at all the way you thought it would.
Yay!
💙❤️💛
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