What to do if you have no normal to return to
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- Опубліковано 17 бер 2024
- The majority of mental health interventions are based on the assumption that you have a "normal" state to return to. But this is not the reality for many people.
If you fit this description, you've probably been frustrated by a lot of therapy - because it's not actually designed with your reality in mind.
I'm still a big believer in therapy, but I want to give you some things to look for so you get the approach that will actually help.
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But I do care.
Its been so long, I don't remember what typical, healthy, happy feels like.
Relatable comment
Me too
I feel the same way. I feel like I just have to be strong for what is to come! God help us
Same here
I remember what it was being stable and being motivated and feeling connected with life, myself and other people. It wasn't perfect but it was good enough.
First time I have ever heard a therapist talk about this. No normal to return to because for me, it never existed
yes - the same
I feel this so much😢
My physical existence started in hell, even before i was born, continued in hell outside of my mother. My father was the devil, my mother his wife. I always loved her and always will, but i will never see both again.
I only could escape from hell by saying goodbye to the devil, his wife and everyone related to them.
Now i can find my place in this world, can find out, what will be normal for me and create it on my own. Have you ever thought about it in a way, that you have the freedom to create this from scratch? People with a peaceful childhood will not do it, you have to. It may be more a chance, less a burden.
@@petermuller6923 Peter Im so sorry - I can relate I was told as a child I was a failed home abortion - I believe I knew I was unloved maybe even hated in the womb - but Im 57 now - I found my place Im resilient and more prepared than most when life throws a curve ball - I made my own family - children are very well balanced and happy adults - I am victorious by the grace of God
Same. I’ve been trying to explain this to people for years and years and no one has ever acknowledged it.
CPTSD! Complex post traumatic stress disorder. There is no normal to get back to. We desperately need trauma informed therapy modalities. SO many people have CPTSD. And CPTSD needs to be added to the DSM….it’s time!
We can heal through relationships. The trouble is if we get dysregulated and we don’t know why it’s happening because we haven’t had a diagnosis (me) then we can lose those relationships as a result. How do I heal now I only have my parents left and no close friends or partner? How do I attract anyone healthy enough to help me?
Also I seem to have chosen the opposite of what I wanted in life for myself. I live alone (I do not recommend if suffering cptsd) and hate my job. All the things I was working on changing! What do I do now?
It's never ending catch 22. Constantly set aside and isolated till ur isolated and depressed and ppl don't want to engage cause ur depressed and isolated
I'm isolated but I realized that there are a whole bunch of people who is isolated. Others might look less isolated but that doesn't mean feeling in company. Many people are stuck in unhealthy relationships and they don't even know it or they have normalized it.
Loneliness (not solitude) is a pandemic. Some people are surrounded by people but don't have real connections or friends.
@@Lyrielonwindso true
This!
You are writing the story of my life. I don't even talk to anyone anymore.
so true
I feel like a 3 year old and I'm 66
I’m 32 and I feel like a kid internally! 🥺😔
Me too
You're probably more emotionally mature then you think, if you are aware you feel like a 3 year old. Most adults who are actually developmentally stunted would never analyze themselves for long enough to realize that
I feel like everyone i ever emotionally connected with is a 3 year old and i am the only adult. That leads to solitude as well. Now, as i have learnt so much about myself and other humans, i can't deeply connect to anyone anymore.
I already had to be an adult, when i was a 3 year old, had to care for my depressive mother since i was born. She is a vulnerable narcissist, my father is a malign one. I was afraid of him killing me or my loved mother everyday in my childhood and youth. They never will grow up emotionally. They are immature children in old bodies!
I never learned healthy relationships, so friendships didn't work well for me, partnerships not at all. All i can do is, finding my own way.
Arrested development…. me too, I’m 56.
This is spot on. Most therapists, like 95%, wouldn't have a clue what Dr. Scott is talking about. I know; I've seen them all. They do incredible harm because they're woefully ignorant and unskilled. I am in the camp that never had a normal. I was born into homelessness and chaos. Now im 53, know a lot and I'm using it to MY benefit for once. The things I have learned to survive are a) put off making any drastic, permanent decisions until tomorrow (procastination is a virtue), b) know that things don't always get better, they can get worse (rock bottom has a basement!), so constantly thank God for the breaks He gives me and, c) be radically ungaslightable. Learning to advocate for myself was the most difficult thing I've ever done.
It's a hard world and I am beyond thankful to have found this channel. Dr. Scott names the things I intuitively knew but didn't know how to express.
Blessings to you all...
Hi hope you're ok
God helps
Big hug from Cambridgeshire UK
🙏
Autistic person here. I have no normal either.
The statistics for depression and suicide are massive for people with autism. I question how much therapy really helps because the underlying is staying the same.
Did those stats look at whether those individuals did therapy? It can also be difficult to access when emotions & communication are huge components of certain therapy forms. Plus, there's an entire world outside therapy that one must still deal with 😕
I've heard good things about neurofeedback, biofeedback as recommended modes for neurodivergents
Have you tried getting in touch with people with autism? It's just an idea.
I have the notion that people with ADHD can relate to each other. I guess among them, there are not so many misunderstanding.
I know there's always a spectrum. For instance, people with ADHD don't get upset if the other is talking too much or get interrupted. Maybe I am wrong and they get on each other's nerves.
the autism community is only online, and many members are absolutely abhorrent people, even fascists or incels. I don't really feel safe in autistic communities as a Jewish woman.@@Lyrielonwind
Therapy helps, but you have to find a therapist who is competent, who specializes in your specific needs, and who is also a good personal fit for you. You get out of it what you put in
@@Heyu7her3Good therapy helps, but one of the problems with therapy is that i's supposed to fix the problem within a certain period (say 6 or 12 months of therapy) and help you on the way to recovery, and however you can develop tools for dealing with (your) autism and creating a safe space for yourself, autism doesn't stop when the therapy is over. That is also that when autistic people, when they do burn down / have a meltdown, it's much harder to recover, and quite often never return to the same place (say work) again, because it costs too much energy, stress and anger.
Does anyone else find depression scary at times? Because you can feel so dangerously low, it’s terrifying
Yes x
For for me it can feel like I've been poisoned with a drug that wreaks havoc through my entire emotional physical and spiritual system and it can get so scary because you feel like you're falling or sinking and that there is no bottom or place where you will stop falling. And it makes me think that death would be a sweet and pleasant alternative. Let's just keep watching Scott's videos and do everything we can to get some semblance of normality❤❤❤
@@KM-wv2og I understand that. I’ve been struggling a lot again and trying to hold on
Dr Scott: take a human being, put them in a cage with dogs, and raise them as a dog their whole life. (This has happened) Then let them out and say, “Ok, you’re not locked up in the cage anymore - find a job already! Behave like a normal human! You have to take care of yourself! There’s nothing holding you back anymore, so what’s the problem?.”
That’s what my recovery has felt like. I’m still very much groping thru my illnesses, but I don’t ‘look’ like someone who can’t function. And it makes me question myself and it makes me fear the judgment of other people.
Added to my own childhood trauma: immigrating to a foreign society where I don’t know how things work. my mental health has declined. I can barely work. And I’ve become a caregiver for an aging mom who has severe mental illnesses, and does not have the finances to properly care for herself…
I’m on medication. But my problems are also ongoing burnout. Sometimes when I get up in the morning, all I can do is 1 thing for the day. I have to decide whether I’m going to brush my teeth or make an appointment for my mom. I barely have anything left. And I definitely don’t have anything for myself. I’m trying to keep my mom above water.
And I don’t have a support system. I have no relatives or friends that can provide emotional support or come help me when the car breaks down or whatever other problem might come up…
Doc Scott, thank you for making this video… Because there isn’t any way for me to really explain this to someone else.
Part of my recovery is learning to reach out for help. It’s a bitter pill and i don’t always do it. But the other day my friend and I were discussing: what word we say a lot and what that says about us.’ And my friend says that I say ‘depressed’ a lot. Funny enough, I try to avoid saying the phrase “I’m feeling depressed” to her. And it made me sad, because it felt like that was the only thing I ever talk about- when I already limit how much I ask for help. She didn’t say it to hurt me. But just the fact itself hurt me.
What normal? What functioning? Like in the analogy of being locked in the cage: when you get out, how do you use a spoon, a plate? Far less for shopping for groceries or getting a job. And what help would someone like that need to be able to live a functional life? How am I supposed to do it? It sometimes doesn’t feel worth it to be alive.
And to have no emotional connection to anyone, I feel like a balloon 🎈 floating off into the ether- alone and not belonging to anything.
I’m so tired of trying to motivate myself on, I’m just too tired.
“What’s your plan” they say, “to improve your life? …what do you mean you don’t know? Do you expect someone else to know for you??? What kind of a person just sits back and expects someone else to figure out their life for them? That sounds like laziness to me…”
Me in a haze: “A plan for life? What’s ‘a life’ ?”
I sometimes explain to people that "If I was raised by wild wolfs, then that would have been more tame than my family."
Never knew a day of peace in my life. My life has been war. Ppl with well adjusted lives are so foreign to me, almost like another species. Can't relate to them even for a moment. Their jobs, aspirations, how healthy they look, their inner ease and calm matched with high capability, it destroys me every day seeing how I will never know this, that I'll die broken.
As a toddler had an abandonment issues. Childhood & adolescence had daily stress & frequent trauma. Had to walk on eggshells & be on high alert. So, I don't know normal. Been in therapy most of adult life. Finally quit b/c I felt it wasn't helping. I've been on meds. They only keep me alive. But if I were to die in my sleep, I wouldn't care.
I've said that since I was very young. "go to bed and wake up dead"
Everything you describe sounds exactly like my life. I have tried to be socialable, I've tried to connect, I've tried to trust. But, I've always been hurt in the end, most of the time betrayed or abused, and I've paid my dues in this life. Meds keep me from day dreaming of suicide, but nothing helps me to know belonging. I am not thankful for life at all and I hate when someone says "be thankful you are alive today". No, not today. I don't know if it helps to hear me, too, but I understand and share how you feel about a lifetime of disappointment and pain.
HOLY $#%T!!!!!!! This has to be one of the most validating mental health related videos I have ever seen! I can't even begin to count the number of friends, acquaintances & Mental health professionals who have said things to me like: "Well Nathan if you just do (insert whatever action or skill here) you'll be 'normal' ". Or: "What does Normal Look like to you, Nathan?" & I genuinely respond: "I don't know what normal looks like" & then I get blank stares. Or people act like that at some point in my past, everything was okay & I was not traumatized. Since I was born with Congenital Hydrocephalus & Hypertonia on the entire left side of my body, not to mention the abuse that I had to endure at C & D's hands, I literally have NO IDEA WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, LET ALONE HOW IT FEELS & WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE "NORMAL"
Yes, being born in hell, with my parents being the devil and his wife, i never experienced, what this 'normal' could be as well. Now i am proud to be unlike everyone i've ever known and do everything my way.
It is hard as f$%k, i am all alone and never found anyone, who could understand me deeply, but this is the only way, i can go. God always keeps me safe, even when i have to feel the hell of my childhood everyday, sometimes more, sometimes less.
I learned, that pain can't kill me or stop me from being myself, only wants to be felt. The pain is still the same, but the suffering ended.
Oh yes, this is me. There has never been a consistent normal to return to, just survival state. Ultimately I've always felt alone. There was no consistent sense of safety and connection in my family and I feel the lack of that painfully today, in my own psyche. There are times where it seems impossible that I'll ever feel normal within myself again. I guess I'm still lucky though, because my parents did care and tried their best whenever they were able to.
Thank you so much for this! Finally, I feel heard. I was born into a family where it was impossible from my first breath to have a healthy mentally stable life. I've been to countless therapists who could not pin point how to help me. Some of them got downright angry with me because I don't fit into the tiny box of therapeutic methods they were trained to do. Another one said he thought I must be on drugs. Another one shamed me for my depression and told me my life isn't that bad and so many rich people in our town have it worse than I do. WTH does that even mean?
Thank you, thank you,thank you for recognizing not everyone fits nicely into the standard mold of therapeutic methods. I feel hopeful once again.
I hear you on therapists not getting it. When I wanted to learn what healthy was and what it looked like then asked therapists exercises for me to do to learn this they just said "You want me to spoon feed you?". The WORST shaming I got from a few therapists is dealing with depression symptoms getting in the way of keeping a job....the fatigue made me run late, or not able to concentrate and mess up paperwork. Too many therapists said "Do you think you're so special you make people wait for you and do the work for you?". That one was crushing.
Therapist and doctors gaslight too.
I realized this world spins around shame; toxic shame. It's used in the family, religions, among classes.
Telling someone that there are rich people who have it worse than you is being a complete jerk.
Have you looked back to your childhood? Do you have any trauma or suffered from neglect and especially emotional neglect?
That can give you a thread to follow.
When my psyche broke down I didn't know that origen was my mother's narcissistic personality disorder.
First thing I realized was that I had learned helplessness (I discovered watching my dog who was mistreated and abandoned). Then, I read a book by Eric Berne about life's script (generated in childhood and it's in the subconscious) and finally I discovered NPD and I started to make up the puzzle although at times I was feeling like I was living in some kind of horror movie because it was so painful to believe it but once you see it you can't unseen it.
I tell you all this because I had to go back to the beginning to make sense of what was going on and while I was learning the most common manipulation techniques my mind was bombarded by hundreds of situations and different people throughout my life.
Anyway, for what I know, some kind of mental conditions can be misdiagnosed. Complex PTSD has been frequently misdiagnosed as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, etc. Some conditions overlap and everything is a spectrum so I don't think it's as easy as having a blood test.
My best wishes and don't give up hope. Don't forget that what we might think is weird it can be what makes us unique and special and maybe it's not as bad as we think and we are looking outside instead of inside or we are not choosing the best perspective.
@@LyrielonwindThank you for the Eric Berne recommendation. I just googled it and already am interested in what I see so far; I’m going to start reading more of it tonight. I also grew up with a mother with NPD and so I’m very familiar with this subject matter and the horrific affect it’s had on my life.
@@Jolyn888 You are welcome. Right now I'm into mindfulness and TRE or Trauma Release Exercises. It seems that the treatment for CPTSD is holistic; mindfulness, diet, working core beliefs, and also finding out about which trauma response you are in (fight, flight, freeze and fawn). EMDR can help too.
Take care ❤️
"I don't know what normal is" 50 yo male here. I Was born into chaos, sexual & physical abuse and dysfunction. I don't know what feelings are normal and what is due to the abuse. It's so exhausting! I've come along way, but feeling like I need to go back to therapy! Good luck everyone.
I had depression since I was 7. It just feels terrifying I'm still depressed at 24. Everyone said it gets better but they lied. When does it get better? Exercise, therapy, fulfilling career, loving partner, volunteer work, medication, meditation, all things have. I'm still so depressed. I have so little hope because I've tried everything :/
I recently decided to go with a new therapist so I hope it works. I like him so far.
Have you knelt in front of your child self, looked into your own eyes, and seen yourself reflected there? I know, it sounds WooWoo, and maybe it is; it's also very intimidating, and painful, because doing so opens the door that has kept all the dissociated pain and confusion locked away, along with all the parts of yourself you were shamed for, that it wasn't safe to express, that YOU were never allowed to BE. These are the parts that are crying, and dying, inside.
From conception, maybe even far back into my family history, "normal" was never part of my fate, and I developed schizoid (and other) adaptations very early, (unidentified until recently) that have largely prevented my full participation in life; even so, I found a loving partner at 24 and together we built our own tiny island of normal, a business, a home...and when she died it all turned inside out ( "...She has risen in another hemisphere, or I have.") and the carrion birds began to feed on the mortal remains left behind on the beach. My journey of self discovery begins there, with a fistful of a Raven's tailfeathers, which I have sharpened to a point and am tentatively beginning to learn how to use to speak, for the first time in my life, writing my story in blood, sweat, and tears, hoping to provide something useful to help someone else weather similar storms, and perhaps to help change the tides and winds of our time. A year ago I could not have written and posted this comment; now I dedicate part of each day to contribute something to the conversation and encourage someone who is struggling or working to make a difference.
I often find that much of the psychology literature and content is inadequate, incomplete, counterfactual, or addresses only "first world problems", but Dr. Scott has found the mark with this one, on all points. It isn't easy, or comfortable, or fast, and it's a VERY dark path, so tread carefully and slowly. The things that I have found most helpful have been to learn more about the REAL experiences and insights of others who share my condition(s) , to use my newly-discovered talent and insights to engage with them as a contributor to the conversation, use visualization and my fantasy domain as a palette to paint my thoughts and feelings (!?) into "characters" that I can study and interact with (think IFS/ Parts work/ schema therapy).
Using this medium, I recently met a 7 year old opera tenor with a taste for SexPistols songs, several visitors from far, far away, including a disenchanted nun who arrived by way of Charon's yacht and an old hippy in a tie-dyed toga with a very large jar of EXCELLENT wine, a herd of Centaurs, and a retinue of tribal ancestors from the stars; previously, I had become acquainted with AniMae, a Vampiress with a (pierced) kind heart and a lust for life, and a young faery princess with radiant dragonfly wings, but the one I'm most taken with is the 3 year old in harlequin footie pajamas, an impression-able attention-seeking toddler who traded his Fool's cap for my adult-sized bronze battle helmet, its visor a shape-shifting theater mask, so large and heavy for his slim shoulders- it's amazing what stunts he can perform with only a shepherd's crook for a prop; I adore that kid.🎭 Of course all is not a party, and there's my old frenemy with the stormy disposition and burning resentments, lashing out at the disturbance and the "security breach" of visitors, raining on the festivities, putting out the fire, pulling the plug on the stagelight, and turning his towering torment on the beleaguered hero, who must endure yet another ass-kicking until he learns how to command him. The battle rages- the show must go on.
I hope this inspires someone to keep trying, to experiment with unconventional approaches not found in typical psychology circles, and to dig deeper into topics like:
- psychoanalytic sources (Jung, Melanie Klein, R.D. Laing for examples)
- esoteric and mythical study
- personality "disorders" (I didn't know myself at all until I saw my reflection in an accurate description of SPD- try the PDM2 for more comprehensive diagnostic descriptions).
- Find online (or IRL) content producers and groups who discuss YOUR specific issues IN DEPTH and get involved (Schizoid Vision UA-cam channel has GREAT depth psychology content on several related topics, for example).
- Look inside. Learn how to feel your feelings and express your thoughts, as unfamiliar and fear-provoking as they might be. Go slow, and try to have fun with it. There's no need to fear what you might bump into in the dark (though you will anyway), there's nothing in there but you.
"Nihil ausus, nihil mutatum. Carpè noctum." Best regards,
-Ronin Ravenquill
Well I wished I had the what you have.
@@xar91 I think I hear a compliment in there, and at the risk of seeming presumptuous, thank you.
What I have, as far as the writing and the ability to tap into my imagination are concerned, is a double-edged sword. I have vague memories of a little kid who had a rich imagination, but mostly that was lost as course after course of abuse, manipulation, rejection, shame, and indifference were laid, and defensive walls rose around me to keep the world, and my own emotions, at bay; my fortress of solitude became a prison with winding corridors of dark cells segregating me from myself and the world beyond with only a shadow of a 15 year old boy left to manage and defend the shell that remained, mostly mute, completely alienated from others, and unable to find any pleasure or purpose in life. That improved when I met my would-be wife, and for nearly 23 years she visited there, bringing gifts and color to the dim gray halls and inmates, keeping them alive; but even she couldn't reach the deepest dungeons or open the gates, and our private island remained a place of exile when she departed. Events that transpired in the wake of her absence, failed attempts to regain some degree of satisfaction, have brought the remaining shade of me to this Limbo, in an attempt to find a key in the labyrinth of my mind and my writing that would release the parts of myself confined there, most for more than 50 years, reunite me with myself, and allow me to find a small place of peace for myself in the sunlit world. That's "what I have"- the images, thoughts, and words I find and put on the page, while precious to me, are but a flash of silver lining behind a roiling mass of dark gray, the product of a lifetime staring into the abyss and the abuse that became my world, looking for the way out but unable to trust anything that exists beyond it.
You don't want that, but if any of this seems familiar I encourage you to find your own talent and creative expression and use it to explore your own inner world. I had no inclination toward writing until after a very triggering chance encounter cracked my mind open and the unconscious thoughts within began to leak out in vivid colors I never knew before. I was unsure what to make of it until 3 months later, sitting alone on Christmas Eve, I wrote my very first contribution to a chat group hosted by someone I had met at a festival 8 months earlier. I discovered the description of my schizoid adaptations 6 months later and posted my first-ever UA-cam comment- hardly a day has passed since that I didn't contribute something to at least one conversation, and along with more direct study and coaching my skills and confidence in them is improving, and I'm entertaining plans of other outlets. Find your thing, the undiscovered bright flash in the pile of debris you thought was worthless; ask your pain for the secrets to help you find it. Polish it up, and use it as a light in your dark corridors, a mirror to see the forgotten parts of yourself, and a key to set them free.
Every one of us is more than we appear, and if I can do this, so can you- the world needs what you have, your insight, your story, your vision, your talent...
" If that which is within you is brought forth, what is brought forth will save you.
If that which is within you is not brought forth, what is not brought forth will destroy you. "
- (gnostic) Gospel Of Thomas
"Until the unconscious is made conscious, it will order your life and you will call it Fate."
-Carl G Jung
What do YOU have inside waiting to be made conscious and brought forth?
@@xar91Me too! 😢 I wish I had those opportunities.
Your videos are better than any psychotherapist i been to
I grew up very poor and had a high ACE score since childhood. My life was a wreck until i was able to put myself through medical school in my late 20s through hard work and perseverance.
My life quickly got better financially and socially after i graduated and i even was able to reunite with my mom in my 30s. Our relationship started getting better and we were both healing and being vulnerable with each other. It was the highlight of my life. Then she died suddenly and tragically and my life basically fell apart. I haven’t seen my dad since i was 11 years old and have a brother who is basically getting by himself.
The way i could get through hardships was because i was physically healthy. Now i have fibromyalgia and am showing signs of MS. I’m retiring from medicine because each day is unpredictable how my body will be. Thanks for this pep talk!! I appreciate your advice 🙏🪷
I don't know who you are, but we ought to pray for all. I just lost my job a week ago and I've been falling apart.
@@soccom8341576I’m so sorry to hear that. I will pray for you
I wish you the best. Hopefully you can get on a treatment that will help your MS.
Fibro/MS/CFS and other conditions rob you of your coping mechanisms and interests as well which can make mental health issues a bigger hurdle and isn't acknowledged nearly enough. Big gentle hugs.
I ❤ this little talk. So many of us don't have that healthy "normal " to return to. I have tried to explain this very idea in the work I have done on myself. Often therapy isn't tailored for our circumstances. It can't return us to a place of "home" if we have never had that. We sometimes feel like we aren't trying hard enough when we don't reach that "completion " that others may achieve.
Thanks for being so kind. Thanks for sharing your knowledge and making the world a better place.
I’m so glad you’re bringing this up in your video!!!!
Sooo many therapists and therapies are STILL not designed for C-PTSD and other patients with extreme levels of trauma in childhood BECAUSE they are so early on and so intense!!!
My normal dissapeared because of my life changing bike accident which took my leg off up to the groin and I can't even wear a leg due too my pelvis being smashed to bit's. I need an operation so I have a hip replacements with a pin sticking out so I can click my leg on but the NHS doesn't want to do it because it'll cost them a LOT of money n they say it won't work for me. Even though there have been loads of people who have had it done n they said it gave them their life back.
I was an electrician before my accident which I'll NEVER be able to do again.
I really miss using my brain n grafting as it makes me happy.
I've also got sever pain along with phantom pain and until that's under control, I'll never be able to get a job and I haven't worked for almost 11yrs. I haven't worked longer than I have worked.
I feel completely worthless and I know the government's just thrown me on the scrap pile because they can't get my pain under control and get me into a job that I really want to do but that's never going to happen as it stands 😪 FML 😔
@themanlab7
My husband was also Ina bad motorcycle accident. The pain is indescribable. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I really am.
Can you somehow have the NHS review your case so that perhaps you will be approved eventually for the procedure you need? Dont know how NHS works but they have an appeal process, right? They have to understand that you need this procedure to have quality of life and perhaps return to work!
The Man Lab 7,,,, I'm truly in awe of your strength brother.....I pray for an answer 🫂🙏
I sincerely hope you get the medical care you need. Sending best wishes for the recovery you deserve
I am so sorry to hear this. It can happen to anyone, so people might want to think twice before tossing another aside. The only thing I can say is, become your own best friend and advocate for yourself with all you have. Then, turn it over if you know what I mean. Your life matters. Hugs to you.
I love that you brought up validation! It’s wild to me that it is generally easier for us to have more compassion for others than ourselves. I’ve never fully understood why that is🤔
I have been feeling like a stupid child lately, I used to be full of confidence (at least pretend) and now I can't put myself together
This title is a great attention grabber for me. I am on page 72 of your book. It confirms and validates where I have been. My sister says it is where one is going tha counts. How do we keep going when every day we feel as if there is no foundation beneath us...that we are just treading water...against the inevitability of drownnig. Not a negative outlook. Just a cry for understanding and hope.
I get it
Agreed.
Or sometimes it seems like someone is holding your head under water, and only letting you come up to breathe now and then
I have NEVER been okay. I have learned to hide it. To a degree that is. I NEVER knew what feeling happy felt like. I am always concerned that I may be a burden to my loved ones. So I hide it the best I worry about being a burden to them. I do NOT moan to them. I do NOT put what is on me on them
Thank you for covering this, I'm one of those people who doesn't have a 'Normal' to return to because my life started in abuse and I didn't know anything before the abuse.
Good points. My trauma occured at the age of seven. Prior to that I did have a healthy and happy inner child...I remember distinctly. Six decades later, after carrying emotional and functional burdens, I started to heal. I have reconnected with and released my inner child from all burdens. The decades of dysfunction left their indelible marks on me. I am still working to reprogram, pick up the peices of a lost life, and navigate what present and future I may have left. This has not been the life I was born to.
Can you give any practical advice on how to connect with the inner child? ❤️ I have no idea how to start.
I see my new shrink in a week. I've been married for almost 21 years and it seems to be the secondary cause of ALL my mental issues. After 21 years of being beholden to someone else, no, I have absolutely no normal and the life that I was supposed to have with her is non-existent and will never, ever happen and I have literally no way out of it. While I know you can't run away from yourself, you CAN run away from the situations that have helped mess you up in the first place. But I am 100% dependent on their support and have no options to leave.
That is the worse thing ever. I been there andvis still there.
.
I feel the same
Thank you for this. It really helps to hear that someone understands.
Negative self-talk is a huge issue for me. What I try to do is to ask myself "would my friend/mother/husband say that to me?" Probably not. So I try to rephrase it in a way that a caring friend would tell me.
I just demand justice from those fake professionals, they don't care about you!
This is really validating to me. Last couple of years I’ve been more aware than ever that my mind was a mess since childhood. I explained it the same way to someone I was trauma dumping on (and my journals). Something didn’t “happen” to me. Life happened. It’s too many dominoes all the way back to the start.
This is the most powerful video I've maybe ever come across. I've had mental health care providers get mad at me when I can't get better with their treatment. I've stopped trusting most health care providers because I am made to feel like a freak when I do what they say and have all these years of therapy under my belt as well
The secret to Validation "All Feelings are Valid. None are Wrong."
Psychedelic therapy has really shown me my true, complete self where I feel “home” but it’s just a glimpse and the price to be paid is high also
High how so?
@@zila626 It basically launched me into a full on spiritual awakening and questioning everything. It is needed overall but need to be prepared for it….
The average person is not too healthy 😂...I agree.
Conventional doesn't mean healthy and common doesn't mean normal. 😊
I think that toxic shame is behind so much misery and also comparison. Both are everywhere: adds and marketing, ideologies, religions...too many factors can make you feel alienated.
Being different doesn't mean being weird...we are individuals.
Viva la diferencia ❤
I loved the video. Gracias 😊
💯✌️
I remember the first time I walked the streets looking for a place to sleep. I got kicked out because I lost a mitten on my way home from school, it was snowing, I was ten years old. That was the first of what became a regular thing. I lived in MPLS/St. Paul where social services were happening -- drop in centers, youth emergency services and child welfare began to look after me, so I started on a therapeutic path at a young age but they do tangle with the self-destructive tendencies you talk about with respect and sensitivity. Anyway, new sub who is glad to be here.
This has been me since my Mother passed away in 2017 and I had to sell my childhood home.
I’m so sad all the time. I’m alone all the time. I don’t know how to fix this. Alcohol calms it. I feel hopeless all the time.
Same. I never get drunk but alcohol blurs things.
This was so inciteful. I have never really had a safe place to go back to. I have never really know who or what I was supposed to be. I am usually envious of those who have strong family ties as that is something I have never really had (my mother made sure of that as a child). I am lousy at self care, but I have been trying to turn that around. I keep hitting to wall of I don't care that much about myself I am pretty numb to my needs. I am a creative person, but I always feel there needs to be a purpose to what I do, rather than focusing on just creating for myself. This is another thing I am trying to change. I love doing things for others and can often tell when others are depressed but I don't usually open up much to others (I do try to explain to my partner what is going on with me, while still trying to protect him from it) My partner is great and has provided a safe place (mostly), I have a lot to to overcome, but thankfully I have also overcome a lot - the journey continues
This video helped thank you. I’m deaf and hard of hearing. Always been my whole life pretty much but got diagnosed at Age 2. For many years I’ve always thought I was alone just cause I couldn’t hear and people didn’t know how to communicate with me. I know some sign language but I never really relied on it because I’m more of a talkative person and my whole surrounding environment is full of hearing people. I always felt a disconnect because I’ve tried teaching people sign language when they ask for it but then before you know it they just give up. I’m also a traveling photographer/videographer and dealt with all different kinds of people throughout my whole career while dealing with depression, social anxiety etc. I’m actually in a weird space myself. So many ppl love my work and respect what I do, but regardless I still feel like I don’t have true friends no matter what I do and don’t and I’m only 28. It’s scary always asking myself will it get better or worse from here and I always do my best to keep telling myself that it will get better. It’s also helpful to know that NOBODY has it all figured it out from the outside looking in. Don’t ever be fooled especially on social media. Just know you will be ok.
Validation and positive self-talk trigger cognitive dissonance in me. It's like a flat earther trying to convince me the Earth is flat, when I know factually the Earth is round. I know for a fact that I am a whole list of negative traits and behaviors. The self-loathing never goes away. It feels like being Gollum when Sam and Frodo put the magic elven rope around his neck. "It freezes. It burns. Take it off." Lots of internal mental screaming and thrashing around.
Great analogies! Yeah, this totally describes the way I feel too. Please take care of yourself and I will try too 🙂
@mikekrahel8459 Thanks. Take care of yourself too. Best wishes.
Look up "thought defusion"/ "cognitive defusion". Who in you life does that voice sound like? What if you give those messages a different sound, such as Mickey Mouse, or sing them in a particular music style?
I feel you completely about the cognitive dissonance. My therapist has told me that some of my childhood needs were unmet and that it was unfair for me, and also that I don’t give myself enough credit. I dissociated in those moments. I pretty much have found myself dissociating any time she makes a positive comment about me or says I experienced neglect. I’m learning how to hold space for contradictory thoughts though and also try to see myself from others’ POV. I try to consider that what people generally tend to notice/say about me might be true (there’s usually a trend of what sticks out positively to people about you).
It’s hard when we feel like we are the only ones who have a fuller sense of who we are, good and bad. For some reason I think we default to the negative, probably in some way to keep ourselves accountable and evolving to try to be better, I’m not really sure. It fascinates me when I find people who actually somewhat like themselves and are content with who they are, I think it’s rare and difficult to achieve.
I’m learning that there are different parts/aspects to ourselves too though, like different roles. Sometimes the people-pleaser, sometimes the genuinely nice person, sometimes the angry verbally abusive frustrated one, sometimes unconsciously manipulative, sometimes the inner child. I’ve learned that many of us go into those roles in different circumstances, and it’s not entirely in our control (I believe in determinism), but that we can start to become more aware of it. Part of the awareness too includes acceptance to a degree, because it’s not always changeable especially overnight. No one is perfect either. At the end of the day, I think family and friends and even strangers would validate someone’s character solely on the fact that they are trying. Trying is enough :) many would even just be grateful that an individual existed. Existence is a challenging task as it is and I think everyone deserves credit for taking on the circumstances they were born into.
I know what you mean. Having done some cognitive therapy exercises, I know how empty and phony it can feel to try to talk yourself out of really big painful emotions.
I don't know if this will work for you, but one thing that's helped me is practicing self-compassion meditation. You don't have to fight with all those painful thoughts and feelings or make them go away. You just observe them directly with as much compassion as you can muster. It's not easy, but it's simple.
It helps to remember it is just a practice and you are building up your "compassion muscles" each time. At times when I'm feeling really bad, I try to view it as another opportunity to practice. I ask myself: "Is my compassion great enough to hold this, too?"
That might sound pretty corny or saccharine, but it really helps me to think of it as practicing a valuable skill rather than just meaningless suffering. It's not a magic pill, but with time I've found that those painful thoughts often soften, and I'm able to see them in a more balanced way.
If that sounds interesting to you, I recommend checking out Dr. Kristin Neff's work. She has many talks and meditations here on YT.
Lastly, if you have a lot of trauma or tend to dissociate, meditation may not be right for you, so proceed carefully. Self-compassion can be practiced any time without a formal sitting practice.
Best wishes!
Thank you, genuinely, for the message you are putting out.
The moment from this video that made me say "Wow" out loud: "If you are not sure where to find your purpose in life, look where the pain is". This could be a life-changing insight for me. Thank you, Dr. Scott.
Thank you for pointing out that even though it looks like everyone else "out there" is "normal", they're actually not. That everyone has something screwed up going on inside.
That is really freeing to realize.
I'm going to remember this one every day.
Thanks, Dr. Scott. I had an amazing childhood and objectively it looks like my life is great. But, I’ve always struggled deeply with GAD and was hit with depression after my third baby when I was 30 (almost eight years ago).
I’m working on myself, but the depression has fractured my marriage. He doesn’t understand. That might be the most difficult part. He expects immediate changes, but these things take time. 🙁
Thank you so much for saying this, I have tried to get people to understand this and people who have never experienced this refuse to attempt to understand. I have never heard anyone explain this. Thank you.
Amen! I have never understood what I was “returning” to by working on recovery, thus haven’t resonated with the term.
I’ve equally “rejected” the notion that I’m “treatment resistant” and have placed that back on the field by suggesting treatment was resistant to providing alternatives to the outliers.
I’ve deficient some clinicians run to earn their money!
I’m ever-evolving and creating my best possible life. Compassion for self has expanded my capacity to have compassion and empathy for others by proxy.
I don’t know why I signed up for this trip, but in this moment, I’m making the better of it.
#MakeYourQuirksWork
This was terrific! Thank you. There is so many of us out here. We are all alone together.
My road has had so many troubles to overcome just trying to get to my current moment of peace. I realized the effects my alcoholic, narcissistic parent had on me. Then realized the effect that emotional neglect had, pertaining to a lack of external love and support. Then the understanding that my inability to connect with people went all the way back to days as a four-year-old. And finally, recognizing that this world does not reflect me in any meaningful sense.
I looked at my tree of woe, visible now from kernel to canopy and discovered that it's shape made me a "Negative Space Creature," an "Unperson" in this world. I thought the challenge over when I clearly perceived the struggle.
Now I know the scope of what comes next and I am not joyful to learn that I must construct my "normal" by hand, alone: because I have never had one to begin with. ... fantastic.
It feels overwhelming, right? But. But. If you have nothing to start from, can't you go or be anything? Fill in that blank space with all that you value.
@@septemberamyx While I appreciate the gesture and understand the direction from which this comes, the trouble with this is that some of us have lost our capacity to value things. If, as I have, you go your entire life unable to earn the things you value by working toward them: hard work and values stop mattering. The secular lexicon isn't up to the task to describe how utterly thwarted by life you can be at my age and how daunting the task ahead is, especially with all the failure piled up on all sides and around you. I explain it like this:
The dog who has his meal stolen from him either bites the hand that reaches for their dish or starves knowing that a life lived on scraps and mere mouth fulls is no life at all.
I deeply respect this bloke, even when I disagree with him. You can tell he is speaking out of deep knowledge and compassion, because he's been dealing with similar issues. He doesn't want to just make a fortune out of someone's misfortune.
This is great stuff. Much appreciated. Still trying to figure things out at age 65; it never ends. Just bought your book on Audible, by the way.
Cheers to all of us who feel different💞 I think it can be a beautiful POV and shows some level of self-awareness. I think society has expectations and when we realize we don’t relate to or conform to them, we can be harsh on ourselves and think there’s something inherently wrong with us. I honestly think we should give ourselves all more credit about “feeling different”. There is room for exploration, curiosity, and creativity to flourish in that space. We learn to make our own way and go in our own direction. Every person’s life path is unique. I personally think that should be more celebrated or honored.
Someone described this as a hero's journey, breaking from the crowd and conformity to create newness.
ua-cam.com/video/uyOFOgE9758/v-deo.htmlsi=cBXBoU8vSRQlph_V
I had linked a video on Joseph Campbell and the hero's journey, the left-hand path. (The FB gods, didn't like that.)
You're one of my favourite people to listen to about mental health because you don't try to edulcorate your truth. I have, at times, seen these issues being discussed with a somewhat insulting idealistic optimism, which I have never heard you echo. I appreciate your candour and openness. Thank you for the great content.
It took me along time to realize this, and I still have this issue. Since age 2 probably. When I was forced to live on my own I realize this mostly. I did try most of my life to do this, pretty challenging. Inner dialogue is very important!
It's amazing how you can vocalize the thoughts that I have, and describe the feelings I have.....when I never could.
It's just nice to know there's somebody like you out there.
You're really good at your job.
Thanks for the videos.
So refreshing! Thank you! I was just thinking that my life is a lot like those boats in Water World--built after catastrophe from bits and pieces of broken things.
On the one had, how awful; on the other, what ingenuity!
It really is OK to not be OK, even to never have been OK. You can still build a boat that floats.
Thank you so much. Can you maybe explain why new “normal” is actually quite terrifying and causes a lot of stress at the beginning?
I have a thought on this. I think it’s because we’ve engrained the “abnormal” aspects so deeply that they feel normal. So, when we step out of that and feel happy or otherwise not how we usually feel, it’s jarring and isn’t “right.” For example, I used to ruminate constantly. I still do occasionally, but not like I did. When I would find myself not worrying, I was worried that I wasn’t worrying. 😵💫 It took a long time to break that habit, through various modalities.
I hope this made sense and helped. Apologies in advance if I’m way off base in terms of your question.
@@Gerrly totally makes sense thank you 🙏🏻
If you know how to handle a particular "unsafe" situation, you don't have to worry about what to expect or what to do- you are an expert in this even if you hate it. If you then walk into what you are told is "safety", you have no clue what monsters are lurking around, nor how to handle them. Who knows how badly things might mess you up in here. Nothing is scarier than what you can imagine, and the dangers in a "safe" situation are ones you can only imagine until you live them.
This was such a relief to find, seriously. It's exhausting to seek help and then get stuff like "think back to when you were normal and happy" - Dude, I was literally *born* into a narc relationship! There never was a normal happy me!!!
So thank you so much for addressing this, and giving some actually helpful advice on how to deal with it when you don't have the baseline most therapy demands. I'm definitely going to work on making use of this advice.
So wise. Thank you for this. I’m an adoptee from the “baby scoop” era - taken at birth. Recent research now shows the intense & lasting impact this separation at birth has on the infant. It shatters the “normal” & leaves them without the knowledge of that healthy emotional state you refer too.
I now realize I have never not been on edge. Not been rehearsing & over-preparing for the next moment, large or small. It’s exhausting. But I don’t know anything else - I don’t know what to aim for. I crave something that will numb my mind and relax every muscle. I’ve tried counseling, exercise, serious meditation & a wide range of medications. To no avail. My reptile brain is always on alert. Sigh.
This resonates with me, but I've always told my counselor, recovery scares me because there IS nothing else to return to. If you sort out the trauma, take away the triggers and 're-file' things so I'm 'recovered,' there is nothing underneath. All I've known is repeated traumas since early childhood. They formed me, my interests, my behaviors, and all else from a very early age, starting before 10 years old. If I recover, I am a blank slate. I wouldn't know who I am. I'm 35 now, and I've formed my coping mechanisms myself, taught myself ways to get by because nothing else worked. I took the darker parts of me and my past and made them interesting, and I've written books and blog articles about it all, even formed a love for horror at an early age to cope with being afraid. I had to find a love for the darker things, and my chronic nightmares, to want to live. And honestly, that is as close to creating any kind of stability as I've gotten, even if it isn't what's ideal. Instead of being tortured by the dark stuff, I found a way to explore it and shape it into something else.
There is a core self/you underneath all the trauma ❤️
I saw the title and clicked so fast! I am 45, just figuring out what my "normal" is.
I had my first mental breakdown basically as soon as I’d moved out and started to study at university, which I had to quit due to my mental health. I’m slowly getting to some kind of normal life as an adult, and it’s both difficult and weird since, well, I’ve never really expected to stay around for this long. So much of my life has been focused on surviving the here and now, so a future seemed impossible. And now I’m here trying to figure my life out and see if I can get something okay for myself.
Being AuDHD but diagnosed late in life, it’s like I’ve spent most of my life working twice as hard as my peers just to reach the bare minimum of what they’re capable of achieving and doing. It’s weird to be almost 30 and still have the life experience of a 18-year-old since, well, I haven’t done almost any of the things people usually do in their 20’s.
The problem is comparison to other's seemingly "usual" because people lie, exaggerate, don't disclose, & owr own perception is flawed
Thanks again dr Scott. My higher self keeps trying to tell me...if youce accomplished all of this so far with unhealthy habits, beating yourself up and doubting yourself. Imagine what you could do mentally healthy? 💪🏿💪🏿💯💯
Your insights on therapy are profound.
This is straight up genius. What said. No place to return to.
Thank you, thank you, for this video, your compassion and understanding of people who have had a lifetime of trauma is so helpful! I am someone who has been taught all my life that I should be aware of others needs, and strive to help them. Unfortunately I thought that meant that I had to also take responsibility for their feelings as well. (which has been so heavy and painful at times) I don't think I have ever been comfortable with taking care of my own needs or my own feelings. This video has give that permission and the tools to hopefully become a more mentally heathy person. I have loved and benefited from every video you have shared, everything you share just makes so much sense to me. I feel like I have finally found a therapist who gets me.
Yes I feel this way too! Always trying to help other people with how they feel and all it’s done is make me miserable! Wasn’t worth it was it?
Just knowing this would have far more benefit to people than shaming and the repeated defeat of unattainable standards. Just a simple “it’s not your fault, you can expect a 10% improvement from this treatment, anything else is a bonus”.
It's an unpleasant reality but it has to be accepted. Trauma can't be undone and one's personality doesn't form normally in these circumstances. You can't just snap your fingers and will a certain personality into existence as an adult.
Speaking for myself, there are certain things about the process of forming friendships and intimate relationships that I just am not going to do with another person. And that's final. A lot of people's emotional issues do tie back to social functioning and relationships of all kinds - friends, dating, marriage, and so on.
That was the most hopeful message I heard in a really very long time. You are a gem thank you thank you.
Right on the spot !
Thank you
Thank you Axel!
Been following and listening for a while now, this video is what made me react now, but also probably why I will order your book once I find the space to do so. The amount of vulnerability and healthy masculine energy and insights you provide while achieving from an outsider perspective immense succes (to me a psychology degree is not nothing) despita all you have been through is really mindblowing to me. Also your piece on Aneminia really frightened the hell out of me but also gave some comfort that I could at least enjoy some things still despite being depressed. Thank you man!
Thank you for speaking about this! I've never had a normal since the day I was born (I'm 45 this year) and don't know anyone who knew me when I was young. Makes seeking help, diagnoses and therapy extremely difficult.
I absolutely believe that traditional therapy is only really useful for (for the most part) mentally healthy neurotypical people who maybe need to reflect a bit more on their emotions and actions. Or for those who are going/went through very tough external circumstances eg. divorce, war, grief etc. those who need a bit of a mental tune up/support/grounding.
For those with lifelong/chronic anxiety, depression and/or neurodivergent conditions like autism, ADHD, OCD, borderline etc. years of traditional therapy can fail to get you anywhere because it wasn’t designed for people with atypical brains.
Unfortunately the majority of people in regular therapy fall into the latter category.
Scott, as a professional Theme Park Master Planner and Chief Creative Officer, it was my job to know how to reset the inner dialog of tens of millions of people per year so that they were open to new experiences and new ways of thinking. The techniques of"Immersive Entertainment Psychology" could be used to help people suffering with mental anguish, emotional trauma, and psychological problems, but to my knowledge no one has ever attempted it... Well except that I designed and built my house 20 years ago in such a way that it resets me, my husband, and all guests who walk through it. I would like to start some sort of initiative/team to see if we might find a mental health group that would be interested in doing a bit of remodeling or new construction in order to create a facility that literally changes the way people think and feel in conjunction with the therapy they receive from their doctors/councilors. If you find this intriguing, then perhaps we can talk sometime.
Can u share more details
WOW - I was just trying to describe this to my therapist this morning ‼
Same!!
A therapist explained to me years ago that NORMAL really has a very wide range in the pendulum. Whew! Was that a relief. But there was lots of work to do nonetheless.
The concept of grey areas was totally a non existing concept to me also w that same therapist. That was another difficult but broadening area for me to explore and grow in.
I'm back in therapy YEARS LATER and my physcology student is a 27' kid'. He laughs when I call him that as I am old enough to be his Grt Grandmother.
He is so excited to have a Time Capsule to interact w. (He loves history) I love history.
..And my love for history has helped me work through my troubled decades. And understand the cultural effects it had on my relatives who 'hurt' me.
This video is so helpful. I took notes! Your fourth point about accepting that feeling of never feeling quite normal is spot on. It is the final piece of the puzzle for me, as I have worked hard on self-care, inner dialogue and sense of purpose and still have lingering feelings of being a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I have been berating myself for my inability to just “snap out of it” my entire life - a throwback to having been berated in just that way early on. You have opened up a world of possibilities for me. Thank you!
I do deserve food and shelter less than other people because I can't earn it and everyone just says I'm not trying hard enough I have pots EDS chronic migraines and severe mental health problems but no matter how hard I try I can't hold a job more than a few months my family says I choose to suffer because I don't just work harder and push thru the pain but no one wants to employ someone so damaged so just get sacked after a few sick days
Some hard truths were said here
Basically kind of like IFS internal diologue. IFS (internal family systems) has been really helpful for me
Thank you for addressing this. As a late diagnosed autistic this has been my experience.
I'm so happy I stumbled upon your videos a few weeks ago! They are so helpful! Thank you so much! )
I've needed to hear someone address this for years. Thank you.
You and your work are much appreciated💞
Thank you Dr Scott!! This is so helpful to me 💜🇬🇧
Thanks for these videos!!! Recently i started taking care of myself slowly after i started watching your videos. I do go to psychiatrist and take medication and listen to these too and it has been very helpful !❤
Saving this one. Thank you.
So helpful, as usual Dr Scott. Thank you. 😊
This really hit me. You listed so many of my troubles. Will watch again
Wow, I never thought about this. So true, and helpful!
The one i absolutely hate is ,positivity,
Cos when I try positivity,
it's a road to nowhere,
so I stay negative and things stay the same, it's one complete loop,
Been that way since I can remember,
so that's my normal,
I can't wait to die ,maybe it will get better then,
but I know if I get to positive, I know its gonna end badly,
So maybe i should not get to excited about death.
So I'll just wait for death without hoping for the best .
To live is to die.
And death isn't any kind of life.
That's what is in my head,
And that's my normal. 😂
Great channel, excellent content thank you Dr Scott
Scott, you are a treasure. 💎
So grateful for this video ❤
Thankful to have found your videos. I am in the thick of it. I downloaded your book looking forward to listening.
I feel a wave of anxiety at the first mention of self validation. I'm quite good at judging and abandoning myself; not so great with the validation and support and unconditional love. I'm trying though - planning some art where the center of the image is just gonna be the words "love you", as both a reassurance ("it's okay, you're loved") and a command ("love yourself!")
Hi, these videos are always so helpful. I'm especially interested in this one.
So helpful! Thank you!! ♥
thank you so much for sharing your voice on this ♥♥ definitely what I needed to hear, and what needs to be more known in general.
Thanks so much for your insight and care . This means a lot in my healing from depression and trauma.🤟🙏
Very well needed video, thank you!
Outstanding video as per usual. Thank you for providing such an insightful and personal experience. I find such value in your content and I am grateful that you have chosen this platform to help educate the public.