Thank u sm for sharing, i’ve been alone my whole life, self imposed or otherwise, and videos like this offer me a lot of respite. Like maybe it’s not js me. ive been using since i was 12. Weed, adderall, coke for a little bit but that was killing me faster than the others were. Ive gotten a bit better but i’ve noticed that i’ve fallen into this weird cycle of self imposed social isolation and uncertainty abt everything, usually accompanied by some addiction to numb out the confusion which doesn’t help at all, im aware😭 I question how i feel and percieve things a lot- its in my nature. I know i’m intelligent, i love to write. I journal a lot, i love film and philosophy and politics too, i have this thirst in me to be creative- to explore that aspect of myself. But i was also wasting a lot of that potential and time for self discovery to smoke or do drugs with my friends (funnily enough this became a true problem for me in 9th grade) I didn’t have time to come back and nurture my interests and talents. I had all these ideas too !! You articulate yourself so well, I really admire that. I feel this solidarity with you you know? Despite being a stranger. I’m a little older now, and i’m constantly being called childish for choosing to take time to explore these creative pursuits now when i should be worried about my academics and the future. Things like college and the like. I like to be alone a lot because it means I can truly dedicate myself to things i genuinely love. Unfortunately, very rarely is this time to myself very productive. I fall into these horrible cycles. Trying to get sober, relapsing, finding myself in this almost catatonic state of mania and deep depression. I push the few loved ones i have away, i struggle to find connections because i feel like no one understands, like no one is willing to TRY and understand. Its more than self loathing, it’s something innate in my foundation as a person. “This is completely killing me” is a sentiment i’m very familiar with. It’s such a surreal feeling- realizing you’re destroying yourself. It’s been scary and hard and painful, like it hurts so much sometimes. I’ve lost weight, i’m anxious and neurotic and incredibly sensitive, and yet i’m still painfully disconnected. What do i even do? I dont know, but finally FINALLY !! i’m at this point where instead of sitting in my own atrophy (!) i want to get BETTER. Im finally starting to form this vague idea of my future, my wants, my needs. I dont need people, i can survive on my own because i’ve been doing that for as long as i can remember. I’m not a malicious person. Not particularly mean or cruel I like to think. I have a tremendous amount of empathy and i yearn for connection, but i’m detached more often than not. It’s like i don’t quite know how to be happy, and so i don’t try to pursue things that make me feel good- rather i pursue things that make me feel good in a harmful way (more a reckless form of self harm than hedonistic) And it IS self harm, because I am truly dying. Living this way is killing me, and i know it. I feel as if i’ve been dreaming my whole life. Never fully present you know? Its true that I can survive alone, but i’m starting to realize i dont WANT to be alone, i dont WANT to be miserable. I want to get better, be better. I feel like after sleeping for so long, i’ve just woken up. I’m moving forward too, even if it’s slowly. I don’t really believe in coincidences, i think whatever happens was what needed to happen. To me it comes as a pleasant surprise that i found this video at 4 in the morning off the tail end of two all nighters. This was MEANT to find me, meant something to me. Anyway i wish you the best of luck !! I truly believe that one day i’ll be able to look back and be able to admit i’m in a better place. I’m getting there :) I hope one day you can find the same kind of peace and contentment, if not now. My heart is barely beating too, but it’s beating nonetheless. That has to mean something, right?
@@Sofia-c5g it definitely DOES mean something Sofia, throughout my life I have often put my hand on my chest and I’m almost surprised my heart is still beating. I have an intense connection to everyone and everything but my ability to directly express it is so gone like when I try to connect I go comatose and the interactions are just awkward and every time my pulse is checked I’m told my heart is feint like it’s barely throbbing. It’s hard being so passionate yet still unable to break the ice. I don’t understand people and they never understand me. I’ll be told I hate myself by one person and that I’m cocky and narcissistic by the next. I end up isolating and obsessing over my art because I feel it’s my only chance to ever be recognized or loved but even the attention I would get from that would back fire and all my isolation was no longer productive and I wasn’t ever finishing and licensing my creations to put them out and still have no social media. I would miss out on everything and would even not shave for months and wear a disguise because I was so ashamed of myself and unwilling to talk to anyone because my guilt and depression was plain to see. I also am called childish and have let my best years slip by and am now atrophied and must go through expensive dental work to save my teeth I let get bad as I let myself go. Thank you so much for commenting. You’re not alone 🙏❤️
You said your parents divorced when you were 4. Thought that was interesting because my wife and I divorced when my kid was 6 months old. He's 2 now and since then I've atrophied a bit myself. I experienced a similar type of psychosis that you're describing here, only, it wasn't because I violated some Nofap rule or something, my wife suddenly decided to divorce me. So, a similar type of situation where I have all these systems I'd built up (staying away from alcohol, staying fit, eating well, fasting regularly, having a good routine, etc) all crashing at the same time. During that period of my life, I remember thinking, "oh, so this is why alcohol is legal." I couldn't drink enough, it was a problem for bit. But, like you, I've been coming alive as well. Stopped drinking. Bought some home equipment, bunch of protein powder, nothing crazy, just some weights and barbells, and have been exercising every day. I think I overdid it by exercising 5 days in a row as I'm really sore right now but it's very rewarding to do these things. Used to do this before but lost sight of it like the other "systems." I just need to schedule my workouts better or find a daily routine that isn't so demanding that I overdo it. Because it's like you said with the Nofap system; when I set some kind of standard for myself and violate it, it's discouraging. Even for something as simple as exercising every day. Need to refine my routine, that's all. All in all, it feels really nice to have a positive aim again. It's really important to have an aim or goal, even if it's just a fitness goal, and I didn't have one for a while... The fact that these systems seem to rise and fall together is unfortunate but at least we can always rise. It's really encouraging to see that positivity at the end. I look forward to seeing you and your channel grow!
@@HeIljumper thanks man! Dude I can’t believe you were married and have a kid!! You must miss them so much. I’m sorry you guys split. 5 days in a row exercise is intense!
@@HeIljumper Wow. I can’t imagine going through something like that. You are a warrior bro. Thank goodness you were able to get shared custody. Do you have a son or daughter ?
@@MrBooYa-yd5er A son I'm 34 btw The way you describe your situation is similar to mine except my role is parallel to your dad's I wonder what your relationship is like with your dad? I witness your life and wonder if my son is going to develop similarly because of the very early divorce I can't imagine what that's like from the perspective of the kid in the middle Are you close with your dad or is his reputation more like a legend in your mind based on stories others told you? I ask that because very often I hear stories about families with father/stepfather dynamics and if the father is absent his reputation is often glorified or reduced to ashes in the minds of others when the truth is he's just a normal guy with good qualities and bad qualities Sometimes the legend is he's a great guy, like a choir boy that everyone adored, or he was a vicious alcoholic that everyone avoided In either case, he's likely not that, he's likely just a normal guy that makes mistakes but because of the circumstances that led to divorce, his reputation is soured, or glorified (I've seen that too), in the eyes of those that would inform his son who and what he is like
@@MrBooYa-yd5erLike, divorce sucks Alcoholism and divorce go together like peanut butter and jelly I didn't drink more than a few sips of wine here and there for years and years but after the divorce I went into a heavy depression and drank like a fish Becoming suddenly divorced is one of the worst things a man can experience but it's also one of those experiences that makes you or breaks you My ex-wife could be a poster child for the hyper feminist, boss-lady liberal type. I was with her for a long time, and even though I do miss seeing them every day, I don't miss dealing with her conniving, undermining, victim-narrative-spinning ways She's a hard working nurse In some sense, she is like a victim, but to the culture we live in, that would lie to her and inform her that she's viciously oppressed by the patriarchy and things like this I feel sorry for her If she was stronger, she wouldn't be this way, but for better or worse she is and I have no power to change that
Joel none of the Mr beast video was consciously registering in my mind until the feastables part and now I’m wondering if that was all just one big commercial
@@Wallnuts I don’t know what to make of all of that I like MrBeast and we even share the same birthday but he’s much more a businessman than an artist and I think he basically found enough loopholes to remain innocent but his protecting Kris was very bad. I’m not sure what the solution is but it’s a shame to see so much controversy after all he’s done.
@@MrBooYa-yd5er I agree, that’s the nature of our society. He had the honor of building a brand for himself, its odd to see it crumble, even if it survives the Kris scandal
Thank u sm for sharing, i’ve been alone my whole life, self imposed or otherwise, and videos like this offer me a lot of respite. Like maybe it’s not js me. ive been using since i was 12. Weed, adderall, coke for a little bit but that was killing me faster than the others were. Ive gotten a bit better but i’ve noticed that i’ve fallen into this weird cycle of self imposed social isolation and uncertainty abt everything, usually accompanied by some addiction to numb out the confusion which doesn’t help at all, im aware😭 I question how i feel and percieve things a lot- its in my nature. I know i’m intelligent, i love to write. I journal a lot, i love film and philosophy and politics too, i have this thirst in me to be creative- to explore that aspect of myself. But i was also wasting a lot of that potential and time for self discovery to smoke or do drugs with my friends (funnily enough this became a true problem for me in 9th grade) I didn’t have time to come back and nurture my interests and talents. I had all these ideas too !! You articulate yourself so well, I really admire that. I feel this solidarity with you you know? Despite being a stranger. I’m a little older now, and i’m constantly being called childish for choosing to take time to explore these creative pursuits now when i should be worried about my academics and the future. Things like college and the like. I like to be alone a lot because it means I can truly dedicate myself to things i genuinely love. Unfortunately, very rarely is this time to myself very productive.
I fall into these horrible cycles. Trying to get sober, relapsing, finding myself in this almost catatonic state of mania and deep depression. I push the few loved ones i have away, i struggle to find connections because i feel like no one understands, like no one is willing to TRY and understand. Its more than self loathing, it’s something innate in my foundation as a person. “This is completely killing me” is a sentiment i’m very familiar with. It’s such a surreal feeling- realizing you’re destroying yourself. It’s been scary and hard and painful, like it hurts so much sometimes. I’ve lost weight, i’m anxious and neurotic and incredibly sensitive, and yet i’m still painfully disconnected. What do i even do? I dont know, but finally FINALLY !! i’m at this point where instead of sitting in my own atrophy (!) i want to get BETTER. Im finally starting to form this vague idea of my future, my wants, my needs. I dont need people, i can survive on my own because i’ve been doing that for as long as i can remember. I’m not a malicious person. Not particularly mean or cruel I like to think. I have a tremendous amount of empathy and i yearn for connection, but i’m detached more often than not. It’s like i don’t quite know how to be happy, and so i don’t try to pursue things that make me feel good- rather i pursue things that make me feel good in a harmful way (more a reckless form of self harm than hedonistic) And it IS self harm, because I am truly dying. Living this way is killing me, and i know it. I feel as if i’ve been dreaming my whole life. Never fully present you know? Its true that I can survive alone, but i’m starting to realize i dont WANT to be alone, i dont WANT to be miserable. I want to get better, be better. I feel like after sleeping for so long, i’ve just woken up. I’m moving forward too, even if it’s slowly. I don’t really believe in coincidences, i think whatever happens was what needed to happen. To me it comes as a pleasant surprise that i found this video at 4 in the morning off the tail end of two all nighters. This was MEANT to find me, meant something to me.
Anyway i wish you the best of luck !! I truly believe that one day i’ll be able to look back and be able to admit i’m in a better place. I’m getting there :) I hope one day you can find the same kind of peace and contentment, if not now. My heart is barely beating too, but it’s beating nonetheless. That has to mean something, right?
@@Sofia-c5g it definitely DOES mean something Sofia, throughout my life I have often put my hand on my chest and I’m almost surprised my heart is still beating. I have an intense connection to everyone and everything but my ability to directly express it is so gone like when I try to connect I go comatose and the interactions are just awkward and every time my pulse is checked I’m told my heart is feint like it’s barely throbbing. It’s hard being so passionate yet still unable to break the ice. I don’t understand people and they never understand me. I’ll be told I hate myself by one person and that I’m cocky and narcissistic by the next. I end up isolating and obsessing over my art because I feel it’s my only chance to ever be recognized or loved but even the attention I would get from that would back fire and all my isolation was no longer productive and I wasn’t ever finishing and licensing my creations to put them out and still have no social media. I would miss out on everything and would even not shave for months and wear a disguise because I was so ashamed of myself and unwilling to talk to anyone because my guilt and depression was plain to see. I also am called childish and have let my best years slip by and am now atrophied and must go through expensive dental work to save my teeth I let get bad as I let myself go. Thank you so much for commenting. You’re not alone 🙏❤️
you're so cool💌
you remind me of and look so much like my friend irl its crazy
@@Unholyspirit lol I get that sometimes. Glad i remind you if a friend 🙏 give him a call for me :)
You said your parents divorced when you were 4. Thought that was interesting because my wife and I divorced when my kid was 6 months old. He's 2 now and since then I've atrophied a bit myself. I experienced a similar type of psychosis that you're describing here, only, it wasn't because I violated some Nofap rule or something, my wife suddenly decided to divorce me. So, a similar type of situation where I have all these systems I'd built up (staying away from alcohol, staying fit, eating well, fasting regularly, having a good routine, etc) all crashing at the same time.
During that period of my life, I remember thinking, "oh, so this is why alcohol is legal."
I couldn't drink enough, it was a problem for bit.
But, like you, I've been coming alive as well. Stopped drinking. Bought some home equipment, bunch of protein powder, nothing crazy, just some weights and barbells, and have been exercising every day. I think I overdid it by exercising 5 days in a row as I'm really sore right now but it's very rewarding to do these things. Used to do this before but lost sight of it like the other "systems." I just need to schedule my workouts better or find a daily routine that isn't so demanding that I overdo it.
Because it's like you said with the Nofap system; when I set some kind of standard for myself and violate it, it's discouraging. Even for something as simple as exercising every day. Need to refine my routine, that's all.
All in all, it feels really nice to have a positive aim again. It's really important to have an aim or goal, even if it's just a fitness goal, and I didn't have one for a while...
The fact that these systems seem to rise and fall together is unfortunate but at least we can always rise.
It's really encouraging to see that positivity at the end. I look forward to seeing you and your channel grow!
@@HeIljumper thanks man! Dude I can’t believe you were married and have a kid!! You must miss them so much. I’m sorry you guys split. 5 days in a row exercise is intense!
@@MrBooYa-yd5er We do shared custody
She tried to take full custody, got an expensive lawyer and so on but I fought back
@@HeIljumper Wow. I can’t imagine going through something like that. You are a warrior bro. Thank goodness you were able to get shared custody. Do you have a son or daughter ?
@@MrBooYa-yd5er
A son
I'm 34 btw
The way you describe your situation is similar to mine except my role is parallel to your dad's
I wonder what your relationship is like with your dad?
I witness your life and wonder if my son is going to develop similarly because of the very early divorce
I can't imagine what that's like from the perspective of the kid in the middle
Are you close with your dad or is his reputation more like a legend in your mind based on stories others told you?
I ask that because very often I hear stories about families with father/stepfather dynamics and if the father is absent his reputation is often glorified or reduced to ashes in the minds of others when the truth is he's just a normal guy with good qualities and bad qualities
Sometimes the legend is he's a great guy, like a choir boy that everyone adored, or he was a vicious alcoholic that everyone avoided
In either case, he's likely not that, he's likely just a normal guy that makes mistakes but because of the circumstances that led to divorce, his reputation is soured, or glorified (I've seen that too), in the eyes of those that would inform his son who and what he is like
@@MrBooYa-yd5erLike, divorce sucks
Alcoholism and divorce go together like peanut butter and jelly
I didn't drink more than a few sips of wine here and there for years and years but after the divorce I went into a heavy depression and drank like a fish
Becoming suddenly divorced is one of the worst things a man can experience but it's also one of those experiences that makes you or breaks you
My ex-wife could be a poster child for the hyper feminist, boss-lady liberal type.
I was with her for a long time, and even though I do miss seeing them every day, I don't miss dealing with her conniving, undermining, victim-narrative-spinning ways
She's a hard working nurse
In some sense, she is like a victim, but to the culture we live in, that would lie to her and inform her that she's viciously oppressed by the patriarchy and things like this
I feel sorry for her
If she was stronger, she wouldn't be this way, but for better or worse she is and I have no power to change that
Joel none of the Mr beast video was consciously registering in my mind until the feastables part and now I’m wondering if that was all just one big commercial
@@Wallnuts I don’t know what to make of all of that I like MrBeast and we even share the same birthday but he’s much more a businessman than an artist and I think he basically found enough loopholes to remain innocent but his protecting Kris was very bad. I’m not sure what the solution is but it’s a shame to see so much controversy after all he’s done.
@@MrBooYa-yd5er I hit post on this exactly as the queue changed to your video 😭 I apologize for the confusion
@@Wallnuts no problem. Everything MrBeast does is ultimately for himself but that doesn’t make him wrong.
@@MrBooYa-yd5er I agree, that’s the nature of our society. He had the honor of building a brand for himself, its odd to see it crumble, even if it survives the Kris scandal
@@Wallnuts that’s why I constantly private videos. Anyone can be cancelled and have their life ruined.