Totally, I love the teaching component to this channel. The good manners. He looks like a very affable, and genteel soul, like he'd never make one misstep bcuz he's being guided by a higher realm. Old school but in a new schooled way.
1. Don’t apologize. 2. Don’t acknowledge the tears. Wipe them away and keep on talking. Otherwise it creates a distraction. 3. If you need to, Label the tears (e.g. these are tired tears, or, these are tears that care)
@@dimples2727 yes, we were on holiday n had a minor disagreement at our apartment, I was trying to talk to him about how much he’d drank as I was concerned as he was very ill the night before. He didn’t like that I’d raised it as an issue and told me I was ‘dumb’ and his ex girlfriend was much more intelligent, I don’t cry easily but that hurt. He never apologised and I felt so humiliated I ended our 3 year relationship two weeks later. Everyone has a limit.
Sir, I've never felt such deep appreciation and respect towards a youtuber before. As an adult from a narcissistic family that is extremely manipulative, I am emotionally immature, underdeveloped, and disconnected. Im a young single mother to a son who has an ASPD father that pushes this toxic masculinity narrative. Unable to find a healthy male role model for my boy in real life, I am going to watch this video with him in hopes of creating a healthy perspective for him. Thank you.
I've been surrounded by dysfunctional people and people that cannot communicate like this... My entire life. Its SO refreshing to hear you express these ideas. Thank you.
I was taught that crying is a weakness. It sucks. I hide crying as best I can but when I am upset enough that I cry I’m always mortified. Thanks for the great advice!
I've done a lot of crying in my life, I'm in my 60s and I have been to numerous therapists and not one of them have ever explained this the way you just did. I cannot begin to thank you for what you have just said, truly enlightening.
I've spent my life apologizing and being mortified when I cry. I fear that it's manipulative because I've been told that when I cry, it takes their power away. I cry when I'm frustrated, misunderstood, or truly upset, not to manipulate. I think it will help to not apologize, just keep talking. Edited to add...oh! You covered this at the end
I am the same way and people have says really nasty things to me and you know what the thing is at least we feel. I cry when I’m angry as well so.. I hear you loud and clear. I cry when I’m angry b:c I know underneath that it means that I’m sad and I’m frustrated as well as sometimes shocked. I cry when I’m just frustrated or overwhelmed by so much and I think that’s OK. I cry when I’m very touched and that’s OK as well. Too many people judge people for crying, and then they shame them to feel bad about it and that generally comes from an upbringing where there’s a critical parent and shame any emotion that they deem as ‘extreme’ when it’s not.
It's because the person who says your crying takes their power away, is likely damaged and had no control as a child, and likely were not allowed to cry or belittled for it, and they are in a constant struggle to be in control. They have no idea how to react to someone else's emotions because it's something they can't control. Sadly, they are perpetuating their own abuse. I've been dealing with this from my husband for 37 years. You are worth having all of your feelings!
I cry, I cry at a commercial, a sad story, a happy moment etc.... It's not healthy to keep things inside. Crying is a release and always makes me feel better! I taught my children that it is 100% okay to cry. IMO it's a great thing to do and helps in some ways to not blow up and maybe say something that you may regret....❤❤❤😭
As an emotional person, I appreciate this. God bottles up our tears and knows what we are feeling and helps us through. Only thing that bothers me when I cry is how ugly I look😂
Another emotional person here… I found that when I suppress my tears and strain to keep it down, the pressure eventually breaks through my resistance and bursts out, which makes it more likely to look ugly or noisy. But when I allow the emotion to flow and focus on breathing and anchoring myself in my body, then my face stays normal with tears flowing, but no strain scrunching up my face. I think it’s the inner resistance to the release that makes it worse.
I really appreciate your straight forward approach to communication without being confrontational. I think that our society has forgotten how to have effective and clear conversations without unnecessary layers of fluff. I love the way you teach by examples through stories. It is the oldest and best (in my opinion) form of teaching afterall. Thank you!
A friend once said I was being unprofessional when I couldn’t stop my tears. (I was meeting some miners and mineral dealers for the first time.) I told him, “we are at a bar, at 2:00 a.m., that lady was questioning my integrity, I just got off a flight on which I was crying because I’m going through a divorce, I’m not going to let you shame me for crying. My tears hurt no one. And if my crying at a bar for what they said to me is going to upset them, then I don’t need to do business with them.” It’s very important to be clear about yourself. When you know you did nothing wrong don’t let anyone shame you for it. That incident only made them respect me more.
I have never considered that crying during an argument is "okay ". I was always told it was weakness or I was being manipulative, even as a child. If tears started to flow, I would be told, "Go and wash ypur face".Come back when you have composed yourself. Thank you for all of your communication advice. This one is a great relief for me as an adult and comfort for the inner child I carry with me
My controlling ex would say "Oh here we go. Crying. Don't you dare cry!" Then my middle son, who is much like his father in attitude would say it too. "Don't you dare fucking cry!" We haven't spoken for 2 yrs. It's horrible 😰
If my kid said that, I'd tell them,"Don't you DARE tell me how to think or feel!! I'm not crying because I feel sorry for myself, I'm crying because I won't always be here when you need me. Then it's you who will be crying."
You are an inspiration ..I’m am 70, widowed a long time; need to be self reliant..from a very broken family (of origin) few relatives but these ideas and your natural clarity on things, helps! Wish I’d known these permitted truths’ age 17 (and homeless) your advice is safe and priceless ~ thanks 🪷angie
I’m actually working with a therapist on this very issue. I was not allowed to cry as a child and felt ashamed of crying as an adult. The stress from holding in all the tears has greatly affected my health and my autonomic system. This past January my son died and I knew I had to find a way out of the constant state of flight or fight. It’s been very hard because I’ve avoided crying entire life. When I let myself feel the feelings I was so unfamiliar with it I would go down a dark hole. It’s getting better and I’m learning to talk to myself the way I would talk to my children ( encouraging them to feel their feelings) Thank you for this podcast today. It’s reinforced what I’m learning and I am sure there are so many people who need to hear that it’s ok to cry. ( Even healthy to cry! )
It sounds like you were shamed for having emotions. Glad to hear that you are unlearning those bad habits and heal from not recieving support when you needed it.
Jefferson Fisher - In my experience from childhood, when told "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about"...it's automatic to say "sorry"... Thank you for addressing what to do when I cry! I feel better and will be prepared next time 🙂
With kids, it is different. I do ask them questions to help them clarify and label what they are feeling. For example, "Are you crying because you feel scared, or are you crying because you are hurt (physically)?" With manipulative or over-the-top tears, it might be something like, "Are you feeling upset because we can't have ice cream right now?" "I can understand why you might feel upset about that. Do you want to know a secret? Adults like ice cream too. Did you know that part of growing up is learning what to do when we can't have what we want? What are some other things you think we could do instead?" Sometimes it works, other times, if they are dead set on it, I just say, "Crying isn't going to get you what you want" and let them sort it out. Because it is important for them to be able to distinguish between "natural" tears and to know that others around them know the difference, and will provide care when care is needed and boundaries when boundaries are needed.
"Tears are just stress in liquid form..." Another pearl I have gleaned from your content. Keep teaching Sir, your words are changing lives! Your podcasts are something valuable in a world of drivel, I listen regularly!!
Thank you so much for bringing this up. Im hyper sensitive person. I cry when im happy, when i am angry and ofc when im sad. When im in the middle of argument, its a lot of emotion to regulate especially when youre so frustrated to get your feelings understood, so usually crying is my way to stay grounded and collected. Unfortunately for some people, they see it as weakness or as a weapon instead of trying understand. God bless you and your family for your kindness and generosity sharing your knowledge how to communicate better.
I cry so easily in difficult conversations and nothing works - BUT THIS! When I’m walking into the boss’s office or whatever stressful situation is coming up I press “record” on my phone. Don’t know why but it gives me strength. It’s like someone is listening and agreeing with me. Knowing it’s being recorded takes away my feeling of weakness and helplessness.
Stress cup is too full! Tears that care! And I love the comparison with a stiff shoulder etc (I'd add sweat beads on the forehead). Love how you tie the tears to words of meaning to move things forward instead of us slipping backwards. This is critical coz in the rare time(s) I've shed tears, it's in front of a high functioning parent who overwhelmed my then uneducated emotional system-I had no words to navigate the moment. Only hot helpless tears... Emotions AND appropriate Words-the power combination of introverts. Thanks for all your priceless words Jefferson!
Hi Jefferson, I was in a heated conversation with my 41yr old lawyer daughter. I began to cry. She said that I did look like I was in an condition to watch our granddaughters. I labeled my tears by saying " I'll be fine when you leave. Your presence is too stressful for me right now" She left very angry; taking our granddaughters with her. They were begging, screaming & crying, "Moma please let us stay for our sleepover " That was May 2023. She has not spoken to us since& she has kept our granddaughters away from us to this day, August 20, 2024. Her MO has always been to leave a conversation when raw emotions present themselves. In summary, I didn't apologize for crying. I named my tears. But when the listener refuses to keep talking, WHAT THEN. Daughter has not answered texts, emails or allowed us to talk with our granddaughters. WHERE DO WE GO WITH A PERSON HAS CHECKED OUT & done the most unimaginable hurtful response possible? Thank you for reading this far. You have my permission to make any part of my comment public. Your 3 point lessons are incredibly powerful. Blessings. Lynne Hogan Westerville, Ohio
The same thing has happened with my 39 year old daughter and her husband, because I cried while they were raking me over the coals for caring too much. I know how you feel. It’s devastating. We can’t see our 1 year old granddaughter anymore, since April, and they have abandoned us and blocked us on everything. I’ve since learned that they are covert narcissists and there is apparently no treatment, and few therapists will tell you that narcissism is overwhelmingly genetically predisposed and gluten, drugs, change in diet, and medications all contribute to activating the gene. I suspected this and once I began researching it, I found I was right. My daughter drastically changed her diet from being vegetarian her whole life due to her supposed love of animals, to now eating all categories of meat over the two years before this happened, because her husband hated that she was vegetarian. Look up covert narcissism on UA-cam and you may find your daughter is one as well. It does help to know that you are not to blame, but it deeply hurts to know there isn’t a treatment, because they would have to admit the problem and narcissists never will. I still have hope though. They say sending them love and prayers can’t help, but I believe anything is possible, so that is what I do. I fear for our granddaughter. Both my daughter and her husband have become mean, verbally abusive, phony, and impatient people. Covert narcissists resent people who show caring, love, and vulnerability, because they are unable to feel those feelings.
Oof. As a kid, I was constantly accused of manipulation and deception that I was not even developmentally capable of. It is so painful at 4 or 6 years old to be seen as bad rather than to be attuned with. Learning and trying can look awkward, but that doesn't mean insincere. Trust. Your kids are good inside.
I'm guilty of constantly acknowledging the tears (perhaps its due to me being uncomfortable with this situation) but instead, learn to be more engaged in listening and focus on the conversation. Thanks Jefferson! ❤
I don't seem to have been able to cry for a very long time. I've apparently dissociated and emotionally numbed. I wish I could. I do agree with you, though. If you cry, you don't need to apologise. We're allowed to be sad or upset and get it out.
I so appreciate this one. In my leadership training I cowered handing the employee a box of Kleenex without comment during a one on one where they start crying and said to not acknowledge it. But I appreciate that you cover both sides. I've sent this out to the organizations I trained before I retired and suggested they share it with their entire workforce.
Crying is good! I personally feel better after crying. I have cried several times in the last week over feeling lonely and struggling to adjust after moving to a new city alone. It is definitely a release. In the moment, I don't really feel better but after about 30 minutes I realize everything's ok and I'm grateful. So, I guess they are grateful tears.🙂
Shawn, get connected with a church, social group, book club, or find a nonprofit organization to volunteer at. Get plugged in somewhere and you will find friends and meaningful relationships. Check your work bulletin board for employee social groups or activities. Wishing you all the best on your journey. God Bless
I just love this man and what he teaches us. I love the help he provides, I love the understand we have of ourselves, I love understanding we have of others and situations. I'm grateful for the help you've given me in my life. I'm still learning and have a ways to go but you're helping me build a bridge to success in my work life, friends life and home life. Thank you.
I recently ended up in tears when discussing difficult situation with my toxic boss. It felt so embarrassing and as if my body was sabotaging me and undermining what I was saying. Thank you for this podcast. Means a lot to know how to react in the future so feel empowered rather than embarrassed 😄👋👏
Your podcast is simply the best! I can't get enough of your insight, and I think it should be converted into a curriculum. And place in every middle school, high school and college campus across this country.🙏 Thank you Mr. Fisher🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
My theme for the last 18 months (because I don't do resolutions) has been improvement of relationships. Your communication tips have been instrumental with my success. Thank you Mr. Fisher! I am a big fan of your work!
Thank you, Jefferson. I have had problems with tearing up in emotionally charged discussions and I usually just shut down because I am ashamed. The lump in my throat also can get in the way of me communicating. Your permission to not be ashamed of crying and showing emotion means a lot. My feelings are valid, and I need to acknowledge them and engage in communicating how I feel.
Thank you for this podcast. It is very helpful to me to realize what is happening and that it is normal. I've always been ashamed and embarrassed. It's always been something I couldn't help, and now I realize that it is okay and not something wrong with me. Thank you, Jefferson.
I just found you a couple weeks ago and since have been watching alot of your previous content. You are certainly a gifted speaker and educator and wise beyond your years.
Thank you so much Jefferson 🥰 I had such an issue with anger for most of my life. I used to cry because I didn’t even know I was angry. My body processing the anger. I always felt so weak & stupid. Why was it happening. I process a lot through tears. Thank you 🥰
Dear Jefferson, I'm barely one and a half minutes into this podcast and I've already taken a huge sigh of relief! I tend to cry during an argument when I realize it's time to assert myself some more as I detect manipulation/gaslighting... I'm actually floored that this is occurring!... crying occurs as I am summoning strength...
Whenever I get overwhelmed or frustrated in conversations, my body's reaction is to cry and for my throat to close up. Takes me several minutes to be able to speak again, and it's HORRIBLE. Here's hoping I'll remember these tips for next time! 😊
This podcast is what I needed! Timely. Being laid off for the 2nd time this year you've helped me to understand and label those tears I've shed. I now know the stress levels were too much. Thank you Jefferson. ❤
This is the third video that I’ve watched of Jeffersons. What’s so impressive to me is his deep understanding of the “human condition“. He looks to be fairly young and I’m just wondering how he became so wise. He surely is an old soul.
I get so frustrated, and raise my voice, then when I can't get anywhere, I cry. Thank you for sharing this information and allowing us to feel normal, and able to get our point across. When I read a eulogy for my mom's funeral, my pastor told me to just keep on going, even if I cry, or feel like crying. I never thought of it in light of an argument though. Thanks for giving of your time and energy to help others.😊
Thank you for this post. I cry almost every heated argument. My family tell me it's because I want attention and it's not. I can't help it. I'll try that naming it technique
Best information on the internet. Crying is so stigmatized. Telling someone that you don't need to cry is manipulation. I have experienced adults crying to control.
This is huge! I wish I knew this 20 years ago during my male dominated MBA program. I once cried during a team meeting, and I could not understand why. Thank you for making it so easy to understand and deal with! ❤Jefferson, you are a God send.
Thanks for this podcast. My son seems to think that if I cry during a disagreement, I am trying to manipulate him. He and I had a lot of problems some years ago due to my not being allowed to see my Grandchildren without the parents present. They are now 16, 14, and 12, and I still can't, however I have figured out that it is a social phobia on the part of his wife, and nothing personal. He is just in her corner on any issue. Through your techniques, I have been able to make some progress with them both, and my 2 oldest are now allowed to go back to school instead of being homeschooled and kept away from the world.
I needed this info 30 years ago!! Thank you! I’ve had superiors who brought in ’help’ because they knew I was going to cry, because I took my job personally.
This is amazing advice!! I had a supervisor that brought me to tears of ANGER on a weekly basis. I yelled at him more than once that I was mad and not hurt. Wish I had this ammunition then!
I have been accused of being manipulative through tears. Not my intention at all. It is my stress or frustration leaking out in a difficult situation. Thanks for helping us all get through the tough times.
I don’t agree with you if the discussion is happening at work. It’s unprofessional and often manipulative when people cry. An attorney really helped me with this. She advised to start doing a difficult math problem in your head. This engages the left brain and stops the tears. I’ve used this tool on the witness stand and in difficult conversations with employees and my own boss. It’s very effective.
My stress has been on overdrive for some time and I have been crying non stop. But I didn’t realize it was a physical reaction. I always labeled it emotional. I have acknowledged them in a conversation by saying ignore the tears, just listen to my words. Thank you for all you do. It really helps and I need all I can get.
Hi there. I am new to your channel but am SO happy I found you. I have a new boss at work and we are having trouble communicating. Already several of your videos have helped me…I’m a “I’m sorry” kind of gal. Getting over this though however after listening to you on this topic. Loved this one on crying although typically I don’t cry (unless scared). I appreciated how you pointed out it’s your body’s natural way of helping to calm you. Nothing to apologize for. Anyway,I’m following you now and so happy about this. No doubt you will help me in communicating w/my new boss. Take care! ☺️~Sarah
Thank you so much. I used to cry for any little confrontation, but I learned to hold it in which it mught not be healthy. However, my pre teen does that and I don't want for her to be consumed by her tears or apology for them. This is valuable. ❤
Jefferson You have such incredible empathy and a great justifier of normal emotions. You are such a good role model- for the world. You- I just love you.
What a helpful explanation. Emotionally intelligent! Love that. I guess some people do cry as manipulation. But I cry when I can't help it. But now I will think of that differently.
An awsome education I been getting here. Regarding what you said about crying as it is coming from a rest, relaxation , I never heard anyone say that. Blessings peace and joy ❤
I did follow the link and I sent a suggestion- what to do with people who have double standards- the rules for me don't apply to them:They may complain,I may not,they may judge people,I may not,they can chop,bang ,make a racket but if they hear my phone or I drop a lid,they scold me😮😢😢😢
This helped me a great deal. Tears can be taken as a sign of weakness by a bully and used to manipulate. Thank you for this. I can use all of this in my relationship. Actually, by applying the communication skills you teach, I feel more in control in tense conversations, and I cry less without trying. If the tears do well up, I'm going to remember it's not shameful. Keep my core self strong. Thank you Jefferson. Your lessons are far more impactful than you can imagine.
Full marks for taking this topic Jefferson 🎉 It's universal...all go through this Be it relations....in family..peers...employers .... ❤ Are you travelling whilst making videos....😊
I cannot tell you how important this message is. I've always felt in my gut and known in my later years there's absolutely nothing shameful about tears or crying, (unless they are false and manipulative, in which case, I'd hope folks get why that's not ok). But getting others to see it that way or interact as to that's true has been such an uphill battle. Tears are so healthy and a necessary part of processing so much of life. To me it means you are connected to the best part of your humanity, the part that feels things as if they matter. Thank you again, Jefferson, for speaking up for kindness and empathy and health in our daily interactions. Keep up the great work, we need it.
I have used many of your tips in a very short time! people do react much differently towards me now and my confidence has sky rocketed. I thank you so much for all your advice you having given me. I used to be a say yes gal. But now when I really want to say no, I say it with no explanation and people are shocked. People treated my kindness as weakness. It always hurt me! But now that I don’t have to give so my reasons why i’m saying no, I feel so more in control and respect myself more. Thank you so much for your talent and help.
Yet again.... simple, well-explained, VALUABLE, common sense advice. I would feel so confident in you as my attorney if I needed one. And, honestly, you would be an excellent therapist!
Love these tips! I tend to cry often in heavy emotional conversations & do feel embarrassed most of all. Thank you Jefferson. I’m digging your content!
Thank you Jefferson. I’m a big cryer and then I’m always humiliated and ashamed. Dang! I almost cried when I met you in Costa Mesa (The OC) last week because I was nervous and I jumbled up what I wanted to say to you, and then I felt emotional about expressing my gratitude to you for how much you help me. I’m going use your advice to get over my humiliation.
All men should be like this guy
@Nicolesantostefano1872 I do, and have been following home for about 3 years now.
Totally, I love the teaching component to this channel. The good manners. He looks like a very affable, and genteel soul, like he'd never make one misstep bcuz he's being guided by a higher realm. Old school but in a new schooled way.
@@cmauro7912
Strongly agree. His aura is beautiful and vibrant ❤
All people... plain straight up should listen
“Stress in liquid form” my takeaway in this lesson 😂
1. Don’t apologize.
2. Don’t acknowledge the tears. Wipe them away and keep on talking. Otherwise it creates a distraction.
3. If you need to, Label the tears (e.g. these are tired tears, or, these are tears that care)
I just say I’m feeling emotional - last time I cried, I was told ‘why should I take care of your emotional needs’
😮
@@tinkerbellUKwow .
@@dimples2727 yes, we were on holiday n had a minor disagreement at our apartment, I was trying to talk to him about how much he’d drank as I was concerned as he was very ill the night before. He didn’t like that I’d raised it as an issue and told me I was ‘dumb’ and his ex girlfriend was much more intelligent, I don’t cry easily but that hurt. He never apologised and I felt so humiliated I ended our 3 year relationship two weeks later. Everyone has a limit.
@@tinkerbellUK😢
Sir, I've never felt such deep appreciation and respect towards a youtuber before.
As an adult from a narcissistic family that is extremely manipulative, I am emotionally immature, underdeveloped, and disconnected. Im a young single mother to a son who has an ASPD father that pushes this toxic masculinity narrative.
Unable to find a healthy male role model for my boy in real life, I am going to watch this video with him in hopes of creating a healthy perspective for him. Thank you.
Waw that is deep down to the bone 😢
I've been surrounded by dysfunctional people and people that cannot communicate like this... My entire life.
Its SO refreshing to hear you express these ideas.
Thank you.
The biology of tears is that you are not only flushing out emotions but literally you are flushing out excess cortisol, the stress hormone.
I like the comment “when you claim it you control it” that resonates with me
you're right! That was powerful!
I was taught that crying is a weakness. It sucks. I hide crying as best I can but when I am upset enough that I cry I’m always mortified. Thanks for the great advice!
I've done a lot of crying in my life, I'm in my 60s and I have been to numerous therapists and not one of them have ever explained this the way you just did. I cannot begin to thank you for what you have just said, truly enlightening.
“It’s your stress in liquid form.”-BRILLIANT 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼❤❤❤
I've spent my life apologizing and being mortified when I cry. I fear that it's manipulative because I've been told that when I cry, it takes their power away. I cry when I'm frustrated, misunderstood, or truly upset, not to manipulate. I think it will help to not apologize, just keep talking. Edited to add...oh! You covered this at the end
I am the same way and people have says really nasty things to me and you know what the thing is at least we feel. I cry when I’m angry as well so.. I hear you loud and clear.
I cry when I’m angry b:c I know underneath that it means that I’m sad and I’m frustrated as well as sometimes shocked. I cry when I’m just frustrated or overwhelmed by so much and I think that’s OK. I cry when I’m very touched and that’s OK as well. Too many people judge people for crying, and then they shame them to feel bad about it and that generally comes from an upbringing where there’s a critical parent and shame any emotion that they deem as ‘extreme’ when it’s not.
Finally.. thank you @@SunshineGrove04
Same. But since menopause, it is not really a problem anymore!
@@SunshineGrove04I feel the same way
It's because the person who says your crying takes their power away, is likely damaged and had no control as a child, and likely were not allowed to cry or belittled for it, and they are in a constant struggle to be in control. They have no idea how to react to someone else's emotions because it's something they can't control. Sadly, they are perpetuating their own abuse. I've been dealing with this from my husband for 37 years. You are worth having all of your feelings!
I cry, I cry at a commercial, a sad story, a happy moment etc.... It's not healthy to keep things inside. Crying is a release and always makes me feel better! I taught my children that it is 100% okay to cry. IMO it's a great thing to do and helps in some ways to not blow up and maybe say something that you may regret....❤❤❤😭
Laura you sound like me!! I cry choosing a greeting card!!
Me too .
Same 🙂
Same.
I agree😎
As an emotional person, I appreciate this. God bottles up our tears and knows what we are feeling and helps us through. Only thing that bothers me when I cry is how ugly I look😂
I am right there with you! I find a bunch of tissues to cover my face and avoid eye contact.
Another emotional person here… I found that when I suppress my tears and strain to keep it down, the pressure eventually breaks through my resistance and bursts out, which makes it more likely to look ugly or noisy. But when I allow the emotion to flow and focus on breathing and anchoring myself in my body, then my face stays normal with tears flowing, but no strain scrunching up my face. I think it’s the inner resistance to the release that makes it worse.
OMG. my nose gets big. my eyes are bloodshot. i ain’t pretty
Your you - and that is pretty@nancyjo3453
Lol, I can relate. I cry ugly. 😊
I really appreciate your straight forward approach to communication without being confrontational. I think that our society has forgotten how to have effective and clear conversations without unnecessary layers of fluff. I love the way you teach by examples through stories. It is the oldest and best (in my opinion) form of teaching afterall. Thank you!
It's maturity. Everyone can benefit from these nuggets of wisdom. A true father to a nation.
I agree 100%
@@Miacappello-g4k Yuperoo! Jefferson demonstrates integrity and compassion and wisdom. Three in one
A friend once said I was being unprofessional when I couldn’t stop my tears. (I was meeting some miners and mineral dealers for the first time.) I told him, “we are at a bar, at 2:00 a.m., that lady was questioning my integrity, I just got off a flight on which I was crying because I’m going through a divorce, I’m not going to let you shame me for crying. My tears hurt no one. And if my crying at a bar for what they said to me is going to upset them, then I don’t need to do business with them.”
It’s very important to be clear about yourself. When you know you did nothing wrong don’t let anyone shame you for it. That incident only made them respect me more.
I have never considered that crying during an argument is "okay ". I was always told it was weakness or I was being manipulative, even as a child. If tears started to flow, I would be told, "Go and wash ypur face".Come back when you have composed yourself.
Thank you for all of your communication advice. This one is a great relief for me as an adult and comfort for the inner child I carry with me
My controlling ex would say "Oh here we go. Crying. Don't you dare cry!"
Then my middle son, who is much like his father in attitude would say it too. "Don't you dare fucking cry!" We haven't spoken for 2 yrs. It's horrible 😰
It's sad what fathers like this can teach their sons.
I am so sorry you're going through this. I have went through something similar 😢
If my kid said that, I'd tell them,"Don't you DARE tell me how to think or feel!! I'm not crying because I feel sorry for myself, I'm crying because I won't always be here when you need me. Then it's you who will be crying."
That why he is your ex. I bet you are better without him. ❤
I m in my mid 70s and never have arguments. ❤ don’t always comment, but I follow every thing you post.
Thank you. That means a lot to me, truly.
You are an inspiration ..I’m am 70, widowed a long time; need to be self reliant..from a very broken family (of origin) few relatives but these ideas and your natural clarity on things, helps! Wish I’d known these permitted truths’ age 17 (and homeless) your advice is safe and priceless ~ thanks 🪷angie
I have never heard it explained so beautifully like this before! Thank you for giving a voice to tears! 😍🥰
Agree..
I’m actually working with a therapist on this very issue. I was not allowed to cry as a child and felt ashamed of crying as an adult. The stress from holding in all the tears has greatly affected my health and my autonomic system. This past January my son died and I knew I had to find a way out of the constant state of flight or fight. It’s been very hard because I’ve avoided crying entire life. When I let myself feel the feelings I was so unfamiliar with it I would go down a dark hole. It’s getting better and I’m learning to talk to myself the way I would talk to my children ( encouraging them to feel their feelings)
Thank you for this podcast today. It’s reinforced what I’m
learning and I am sure there are so many people who need to hear that it’s ok to cry. ( Even healthy to cry! )
It sounds like you were shamed for having emotions. Glad to hear that you are unlearning those bad habits and heal from not recieving support when you needed it.
Hugs to you Debbie
… “When you claim it, you control it”. I like that saying. I’m adopting it.😊
I think this world needs more tears. Honest and true. Many times I won't wipe away my tears, so they can continue to speak on my behalf
Jefferson Fisher - In my experience from childhood, when told "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about"...it's automatic to say "sorry"... Thank you for addressing what to do when I cry! I feel better and will be prepared next time 🙂
Hello, I love when a man doesn't hide his tears. Tears (except manipulative ones) show something is to be considered seriously.
With kids, it is different. I do ask them questions to help them clarify and label what they are feeling. For example, "Are you crying because you feel scared, or are you crying because you are hurt (physically)?"
With manipulative or over-the-top tears, it might be something like, "Are you feeling upset because we can't have ice cream right now?" "I can understand why you might feel upset about that. Do you want to know a secret? Adults like ice cream too. Did you know that part of growing up is learning what to do when we can't have what we want? What are some other things you think we could do instead?" Sometimes it works, other times, if they are dead set on it, I just say, "Crying isn't going to get you what you want" and let them sort it out.
Because it is important for them to be able to distinguish between "natural" tears and to know that others around them know the difference, and will provide care when care is needed and boundaries when boundaries are needed.
Wow .i love how you explain that to your children.
I must use this with my granddaughter.
Thank you🙏🏻you’ve explained crying during an argument the best way I have ever heard. I will NEVER apologize again.
"Tears are just stress in liquid form..." Another pearl I have gleaned from your content. Keep teaching Sir, your words are changing lives! Your podcasts are something valuable in a world of drivel, I listen regularly!!
Thank you so much for bringing this up. Im hyper sensitive person. I cry when im happy, when i am angry and ofc when im sad. When im in the middle of argument, its a lot of emotion to regulate especially when youre so frustrated to get your feelings understood, so usually crying is my way to stay grounded and collected. Unfortunately for some people, they see it as weakness or as a weapon instead of trying understand. God bless you and your family for your kindness and generosity sharing your knowledge how to communicate better.
Ditto
I cry so easily in difficult conversations and nothing works - BUT THIS!
When I’m walking into the boss’s office or whatever stressful situation is coming up I press “record” on my phone.
Don’t know why but it gives me strength.
It’s like someone is listening and agreeing with me.
Knowing it’s being recorded takes away my feeling of weakness and helplessness.
Stress cup is too full! Tears that care! And I love the comparison with a stiff shoulder etc (I'd add sweat beads on the forehead). Love how you tie the tears to words of meaning to move things forward instead of us slipping backwards. This is critical coz in the rare time(s) I've shed tears, it's in front of a high functioning parent who overwhelmed my then uneducated emotional system-I had no words to navigate the moment. Only hot helpless tears...
Emotions AND appropriate Words-the power combination of introverts. Thanks for all your priceless words Jefferson!
Hi Jefferson, I was in a heated conversation with my 41yr old lawyer daughter. I began to cry. She said that I did look like I was in an condition to watch our granddaughters. I labeled my tears by saying " I'll be fine when you leave. Your presence is too stressful for me right now" She left very angry; taking our granddaughters with her. They were begging, screaming & crying, "Moma please let us stay for our sleepover " That was May 2023. She has not spoken to us since& she has kept our granddaughters away from us to this day, August 20, 2024. Her MO has always been to leave a conversation when raw emotions present themselves. In summary, I didn't apologize for crying. I named my tears. But when the listener refuses to keep talking, WHAT THEN.
Daughter has not answered texts, emails or allowed us to talk with our granddaughters. WHERE DO WE GO WITH A PERSON HAS CHECKED OUT & done the most unimaginable hurtful response possible? Thank you for reading this far. You have my permission to make any part of my comment public. Your 3 point lessons are incredibly powerful. Blessings. Lynne Hogan
Westerville, Ohio
Send this video to your daughter. I am so sorry for what your daughter is doing to you.
I’m so sorry for you. That hurts.
There are some utube folks that address these issues, maybe they can help you.
The same thing has happened with my 39 year old daughter and her husband, because I cried while they were raking me over the coals for caring too much. I know how you feel. It’s devastating. We can’t see our 1 year old granddaughter anymore, since April, and they have abandoned us and blocked us on everything. I’ve since learned that they are covert narcissists and there is apparently no treatment, and few therapists will tell you that narcissism is overwhelmingly genetically predisposed and gluten, drugs, change in diet, and medications all contribute to activating the gene. I suspected this and once I began researching it, I found I was right. My daughter drastically changed her diet from being vegetarian her whole life due to her supposed love of animals, to now eating all categories of meat over the two years before this happened, because her husband hated that she was vegetarian. Look up covert narcissism on UA-cam and you may find your daughter is one as well. It does help to know that you are not to blame, but it deeply hurts to know there isn’t a treatment, because they would have to admit the problem and narcissists never will. I still have hope though. They say sending them love and prayers can’t help, but I believe anything is possible, so that is what I do. I fear for our granddaughter. Both my daughter and her husband have become mean, verbally abusive, phony, and impatient people. Covert narcissists resent people who show caring, love, and vulnerability, because they are unable to feel those feelings.
Oof. As a kid, I was constantly accused of manipulation and deception that I was not even developmentally capable of. It is so painful at 4 or 6 years old to be seen as bad rather than to be attuned with. Learning and trying can look awkward, but that doesn't mean insincere. Trust. Your kids are good inside.
I'm guilty of constantly acknowledging the tears (perhaps its due to me being uncomfortable with this situation) but instead, learn to be more engaged in listening and focus on the conversation.
Thanks Jefferson! ❤
As a woman I have been accused of being manipulative by crying at certain moments.
Just call me menopausal 😅
I appreciate these podcasts. Thank you Jefferson Fisher
You are so welcome.
I don't seem to have been able to cry for a very long time. I've apparently dissociated and emotionally numbed. I wish I could. I do agree with you, though. If you cry, you don't need to apologise. We're allowed to be sad or upset and get it out.
I understand ❤
Me too.
Are you safe where you are? The wise body won’t use tears to drop you out of fight/flight/freeze/fawn if you aren’t physically or psychically safe.
I so appreciate this one. In my leadership training I cowered handing the employee a box of Kleenex without comment during a one on one where they start crying and said to not acknowledge it. But I appreciate that you cover both sides. I've sent this out to the organizations I trained before I retired and suggested they share it with their entire workforce.
Crying is good! I personally feel better after crying. I have cried several times in the last week over feeling lonely and struggling to adjust after moving to a new city alone. It is definitely a release. In the moment, I don't really feel better but after about 30 minutes I realize everything's ok and I'm grateful. So, I guess they are grateful tears.🙂
Shawn, get connected with a church, social group, book club, or find a nonprofit organization to volunteer at. Get plugged in somewhere and you will find friends and meaningful relationships. Check your work bulletin board for employee social groups or activities. Wishing you all the best on your journey. God Bless
This makes so much sense. Very clear explanation. You're an enlightened being! Has anyone told you that?! 😊 Thank you so much 🙏
I just love this man and what he teaches us. I love the help he provides, I love the understand we have of ourselves, I love understanding we have of others and situations.
I'm grateful for the help you've given me in my life. I'm still learning and have a ways to go but you're helping me build a bridge to success in my work life, friends life and home life. Thank you.
I recently ended up in tears when discussing difficult situation with my toxic boss. It felt so embarrassing and as if my body was sabotaging me and undermining what I was saying. Thank you for this podcast. Means a lot to know how to react in the future so feel empowered rather than embarrassed 😄👋👏
your advice is so helpful in this life thankyou..
Omg! I was always shamed for this and told I had to go on medication for depression.
Tears are my emotions to a deep part of my heart. I reach out to God immediately. My comforter, my joy. Thank you for your understanding of me.
I'm an emotional person, and tend to cry easily. Thanks for helping me with this.
Your podcast is simply the best! I can't get enough of your insight, and I think it should be converted into a curriculum. And place in every middle school, high school and college campus across this country.🙏 Thank you Mr. Fisher🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
My theme for the last 18 months (because I don't do resolutions) has been improvement of relationships. Your communication tips have been instrumental with my success. Thank you Mr. Fisher! I am a big fan of your work!
Thank you, Jefferson. I have had problems with tearing up in emotionally charged discussions and I usually just shut down because I am ashamed. The lump in my throat also can get in the way of me communicating. Your permission to not be ashamed of crying and showing emotion means a lot. My feelings are valid, and I need to acknowledge them and engage in communicating how I feel.
Thank you for this podcast. It is very helpful to me to realize what is happening and that it is normal. I've always been ashamed and embarrassed. It's always been something I couldn't help, and now I realize that it is okay and not something wrong with me. Thank you, Jefferson.
I just found you a couple weeks ago and since have been watching alot of your previous content. You are certainly a gifted speaker and educator and wise beyond your years.
Thank you so much Jefferson 🥰 I had such an issue with anger for most of my life. I used to cry because I didn’t even know I was angry. My body processing the anger. I always felt so weak & stupid. Why was it happening. I process a lot through tears. Thank you 🥰
Dear Jefferson, I'm barely one and a half minutes into this podcast and I've already taken a huge sigh of relief!
I tend to cry during an argument when I realize it's time to assert myself some more as I detect manipulation/gaslighting... I'm actually floored that this is occurring!... crying occurs as I am summoning strength...
Whenever I get overwhelmed or frustrated in conversations, my body's reaction is to cry and for my throat to close up. Takes me several minutes to be able to speak again, and it's HORRIBLE.
Here's hoping I'll remember these tips for next time! 😊
This podcast is what I needed! Timely. Being laid off for the 2nd time this year you've helped me to understand and label those tears I've shed. I now know the stress levels were too much. Thank you Jefferson. ❤
Thank you ❤ I'm going to share this with my adult daughters as we are all cryers and I hope to never apologize for being a cryer again!
This is the third video that I’ve watched of Jeffersons. What’s so impressive to me is his deep understanding of the “human condition“. He looks to be fairly young and I’m just wondering how he became so wise. He surely is an old soul.
I get so frustrated, and raise my voice, then when I can't get anywhere, I cry. Thank you for sharing this information and allowing us to feel normal, and able to get our point across. When I read a eulogy for my mom's funeral, my pastor told me to just keep on going, even if I cry, or feel like crying. I never thought of it in light of an argument though. Thanks for giving of your time and energy to help others.😊
The empathy in you, Jefferson, is so beautiful to see in a man. Thank you 🤍
I love, love this. I always cry in arguments and usually walk away. Next time I will remember this. Claim it and control it.
Thank you for this post. I cry almost every heated argument. My family tell me it's because I want attention and it's not. I can't help it. I'll try that naming it technique
Best information on the internet. Crying is so stigmatized. Telling someone that you don't need to cry is manipulation. I have experienced adults crying to control.
This is huge! I wish I knew this 20 years ago during my male dominated MBA program. I once cried during a team meeting, and I could not understand why. Thank you for making it so easy to understand and deal with! ❤Jefferson, you are a God send.
Thanks for this podcast. My son seems to think that if I cry during a disagreement, I am trying to manipulate him. He and I had a lot of problems some years ago due to my not being allowed to see my Grandchildren without the parents present. They are now 16, 14, and 12, and I still can't, however I have figured out that it is a social phobia on the part of his wife, and nothing personal. He is just in her corner on any issue. Through your techniques, I have been able to make some progress with them both, and my 2 oldest are now allowed to go back to school instead of being homeschooled and kept away from the world.
Awesome, "just label the tears." Powerful for the soul.
this is very helpful. i have always struggled to let people know that i am fine, just crying. This gave me the words. Thanks, Jefferson.
I needed this info 30 years ago!! Thank you! I’ve had superiors who brought in ’help’ because they knew I was going to cry, because I took my job personally.
This is amazing advice!! I had a supervisor that brought me to tears of ANGER on a weekly basis. I yelled at him more than once that I was mad and not hurt. Wish I had this ammunition then!
Thank you. This is helpful. I resonate with your approach. I do my best to behave with integrity.
I have been accused of being manipulative through tears. Not my intention at all. It is my stress or frustration leaking out in a difficult situation. Thanks for helping us all get through the tough times.
I don’t agree with you if the discussion is happening at work. It’s unprofessional and often manipulative when people cry. An attorney really helped me with this. She advised to start doing a difficult math problem in your head. This engages the left brain and stops the tears. I’ve used this tool on the witness stand and in difficult conversations with employees and my own boss. It’s very effective.
My stress has been on overdrive for some time and I have been crying non stop. But I didn’t realize it was a physical reaction. I always labeled it emotional. I have acknowledged them in a conversation by saying ignore the tears, just listen to my words. Thank you for all you do. It really helps and I need all I can get.
Hi! I am really thankfull for this episode. These Ideas are great and I am happy to be equipped for the next time.
Hi there. I am new to your channel but am SO happy I found you. I have a new boss at work and we are having trouble communicating. Already several of your videos have helped me…I’m a “I’m sorry” kind of gal. Getting over this though however after listening to you on this topic. Loved this one on crying although typically I don’t cry (unless scared). I appreciated how you pointed out it’s your body’s natural way of helping to calm you. Nothing to apologize for. Anyway,I’m following you now and so happy about this. No doubt you will help me in communicating w/my new boss. Take care! ☺️~Sarah
Thank you so much. I used to cry for any little confrontation, but I learned to hold it in which it mught not be healthy. However, my pre teen does that and I don't want for her to be consumed by her tears or apology for them. This is valuable. ❤
OMG. I was always belittled by how easily I cry. Your explanation brought tears to my eyes to know that it’s okay!
Even though I'm old enough to be your Mom, I feel that this advice is like good parental counsel. So wholesome. Thanks.
Thank you...and I am crying now. Liquid emotions....
I am 42 years old and I cry more than anyone else I know. This helped me SO much; thank you. ❤
Jefferson
You have such incredible empathy and a great justifier of normal emotions. You are such a good role model- for the world.
You- I just love you.
Enjoy these lessons so much. Thank you for caring about these topics and sharing your expertise. It’s helping tremendously.
What a helpful explanation. Emotionally intelligent! Love that. I guess some people do cry as manipulation. But I cry when I can't help it. But now I will think of that differently.
I always felt shame and embarrassment. Thank you for what you're teaching me.
Love this....tears and body awareness! Don't apologize or acknowledge...keep the conversation going. Excellent advice!
An awsome education I been getting here. Regarding what you said about crying as it is coming from a rest, relaxation , I never heard anyone say that. Blessings peace and joy ❤
I did follow the link and I sent a suggestion- what to do with people who have double standards- the rules for me don't apply to them:They may complain,I may not,they may judge people,I may not,they can chop,bang ,make a racket but if they hear my phone or I drop a lid,they scold me😮😢😢😢
This helped me a great deal. Tears can be taken as a sign of weakness by a bully and used to manipulate. Thank you for this. I can use all of this in my relationship. Actually, by applying the communication skills you teach, I feel more in control in tense conversations, and I cry less without trying. If the tears do well up, I'm going to remember it's not shameful. Keep my core self strong. Thank you Jefferson. Your lessons are far more impactful than you can imagine.
I’m very emotional and yes, I do cry. I’ve learned something today after watching your podcast and I thank you.
I am retired now but sure wish you were around when I was in the business world. Your advice still helps me in general. Thank you.
Full marks for taking this topic
Jefferson 🎉
It's universal...all go through this
Be it relations....in family..peers...employers ....
❤
Are you travelling whilst making videos....😊
I cannot tell you how important this message is. I've always felt in my gut and known in my later years there's absolutely nothing shameful about tears or crying, (unless they are false and manipulative, in which case, I'd hope folks get why that's not ok). But getting others to see it that way or interact as to that's true has been such an uphill battle. Tears are so healthy and a necessary part of processing so much of life. To me it means you are connected to the best part of your humanity, the part that feels things as if they matter.
Thank you again, Jefferson, for speaking up for kindness and empathy and health in our daily interactions. Keep up the great work, we need it.
I have used many of your tips in a very short time! people do react much differently towards me now and my confidence has sky rocketed. I thank you so much for all your advice you having given me. I used to be a say yes gal. But now when I really want to say no, I say it with no explanation and people are shocked. People treated my kindness as weakness. It always hurt me! But now that I don’t have to give so my reasons why i’m saying no, I feel so more in control and respect myself more. Thank you so much for your talent and help.
I appreciate you sir I will learn a lot from your videos and I am excited to implement them in my everyday life. Thank you for everything you do!
I learned so much today. Thank you
I listen to your videos almost everyday. I’ve learned so much and this one is so valuable. It really helps to leave the shame at the door.
Therapists always are happy, when tears show up. They are seen as signs of healing. Wonderful content. Thank you.
Yet again.... simple, well-explained, VALUABLE, common sense advice. I would feel so confident in you as my attorney if I needed one. And, honestly, you would be an excellent therapist!
Great info!! Love listening to you!!
Love these tips! I tend to cry often in heavy emotional conversations & do feel embarrassed most of all. Thank you Jefferson. I’m digging your content!
Thank you Jefferson. I’m a big cryer and then I’m always humiliated and ashamed. Dang! I almost cried when I met you in Costa Mesa (The OC) last week because I was nervous and I jumbled up what I wanted to say to you, and then I felt emotional about expressing my gratitude to you for how much you help me. I’m going use your advice to get over my humiliation.
This is awesome. Should be viewed by everyone everywhere. Thank you for being a big enough person to do this video.