Thanks for this! It's been pointed out to me that I'm a gaslighter by friends and my spouse. My parents both gaslit me all the time growing up. I'm not trying to make an excuse, just the background. I'll try these tips and everything you said was spot on. I usually feel guilt or shame so it's kind of a defense mechanism I think. I'm also unaware when I'm doing it. However, i've noticed I have a bunch of catch phrases that are totally gaslighting so I'll try to erase them and try to communicate better.
An good for you for taking the feedback and working on it! This is hard work, and often forces us to look at things we were previously unable to see. Just being willing to grow and change is half the battle! Stay with it and know I’m in your corner!!!
I wish my wife would talk like you lol. Keep up the good work, you’re on the right track. Your comment gives me hope… or will line me up for disaster, again… we will see!
I have recognized that I gaslight my partner by denying or questioning complaints they make about my behavior. Usually she will say "You said/did something two weeks/a month ago, and it made me feel bad/sad/disgusted/disappointed." Now, if what she claims I said or did, didn't actually happen, or I genuinely can't remember it, or I remember it differently, how can I genuinely respond or respectfully disagree without her feeling like I'm questioning her reality and subsequently gaslighting her? If I genuinely remember the event or what I said, then of COURSE I will acknowledge it and her feelings. I care about and love her deeply, and want to better myself by being present in these moments, so that she feels acknowledged. What I don't want is to be in a position where I'm always blindly accepting every complaint or criticism she communicates, especially when she uses absolute language ("you always... you never... you do/say XYZ every time... ).
This is such a great question! I agree … blindly going ahead with something you don’t agree with ends up making us angry and resentful. I like this script for moments like that: “Wow. When I hear that scenario from your perspective, I can totally see why you feel so (angry, hurt, etc). I’m so glad you told me your perspective. I want you to know that my perspective is different and it was never my intention to hurt you. My perspective is X.”
This video is helpful! I’ve been told recently I’m a gaslighter and it happens totally unconsciously. I want to better myself and improve my relationships
Love it, Conor. Good for you for working on this! Most of us end up gaslighting at some point. And you’re exactly right … it’s totally at the subconscious level. Until now, that is! Bravo for working on your relationships and getting to know yourself better!
i came here because i was serially gaslighting my boyfriend of 5 years and i had no idea how to resolve it and im with you this one really helped me get a helpful 2nd perspective
So I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I been doing DBT therapy for awhile now, last night, my partner and I got into a really big fight and he called me a gaslighting asshole. This isn’t the first time someone has called me a gasligher, in fact, the moment someone uses that word as an attack against me I instantly become a walking doormat, and I will do anything to get the other person approval. I can’t afford therapy at the moment and I’m so afraid of being a really bad person that I’ve been looking at multiple videos on how to stop being a Gaslighter. Your video is one that has made a lot of sense to me and I hope to catch myself and use these tips in the future.
As someone with ASD I have come to learn that my innate inability to not understand, recognise or deal with emotions can lead to me gaslighting people I care about. And I think it's because of something you said here - I don't know how to deal with the emotions of being wrong, so I try to subconsciously manipulate the situation into one where I am not wrong, or at least I believe I am not wrong. It's a hard habit to break when the emotions causing this can't be recognised.
I realized a little while ago that I have many toxic habits such as gaslighting and I've been trying to identify these behaviors. This video helped me further understand why I do what I do and how to change it. I appreciate people like you who genuinely want to help others work on themselves and heal. This is the first video I've seen from your channel and I will definitely return here again. Thank you so much
Thank you for this. I discovered gaslighting last year, and that I was/am gaslighted by my parents for most of my life. Working on healing, and also killing of the narcissistic fleas I've picked up/am picking up from them. These are a major category of them.
@@ThisisBronwyn I shall! Thank you. I tend to have themes for my years, and 2020's theme was chrysalis. Near the end of 2019, I started withdrawing from social obligations (intentionally, not due to depression) so I could have a year to be at home and focus on myself. I honestly feel terrible because in early 2020 I prayed for a great excuse I could use to stay home. Covid because that excuse.
I’m guilty of gaslighting, guess I do it so much I don’t even know I’m doing it. It’s really not serving me well in my relationship. I would love any advice. Thanks and I subscribed 😊
So glad it was helpful!! I agree … we often make gas lighters into “bad guys/gals” when often they are just humans with bad communication habits that can be broken and replaced with better habits! Big hugs and ✨ shine on!
Thank you for this video. I am a gaslighter and I do it a lot as an automatic response to being called out on something. I don’t even want to gaslight people. I want to stop but I find myself still doing it.
The fact that you can acknowledge it and see it is huge. It is an ingrained habit and like all habits it takes time to undo set aside a practice for working with this habit… And you will start to see results I promise.
OMG , this was me in my last marriage, Me and my husband were both codependent and we were both gas lighters, we never could communicate with each other, we both deflected with each other, it was toxic, he was not willing to go get help with me, now I am divorced and finally realized my part too, I was raised in total dysfunction, adult child of mental illness and addiction family, thank you for this video , It helped me see alot about myself, as painful as it is, I am on the road of recovery from addiction and codependency one day at a time
It kinda triggered me because its basically just true. I've been told by my s/o that I am a gaslighter and I don't know I am actually doing it. This video opens my mind more. Thank you
I had worked on stop lying, hiding and gaslighting for almost a year by this point, and just recently, I was confronted about a purchase that I knew I had done, just not when and how much, so I asked "no, what are you talking about?" Instinctively, I gaslit my beloved without thinking of what I was saying. I have no idea why I have lied so much to her, I love her so much.
Good for you for putting in the work. This is not easy. The fact that you caught it is still worth a LOT. Keep going and know that I’m cheering you on!
I am going to be diving deep into your videos today, my wife pointed out that with things going on in our life I have been getting more gaslighty and seeming more like a narcissist… which I do not want to be and your video made me feel like I can fix it. Thank you
@@Nobody-hs4jg it’s been a lot of work, shadow work(looking inward and admitting things), and owning my duck ups while sitting in them to feel it more then just on the surface. If you ever need resources and reading material let me know and I’ll figure out how we can communicate those.
@@Nobody-hs4jg you might not be a narcissist but raised to respond in ways that are that or have built bad patterns that are shared with narcissistic tendencies
Amen to this!! There are hopeless narcissists but there are also so many of us who behave narcissistically because that’s all we know. There is so much possibility and hope for those of us in the latter category! Bravo for doing the work and helping others along the way.
Holy crap! This is exactly what I was looking for! Thank you so much! I have been called out for gaslighting my ex girlfriend but I had no idea what they meant… so I did some research but I could only find instructions for the victims of gaslighting. I am pretty sure video will help me to stop gaslighting the people around. Thanks again! 🙏 😊
Thank you so much.i will use the tips.you are spot on this is me. I what to stop as this is not healthy for me or my wife.And I don't wona lose her because of it. If you have any more tips would be great
Thank you for this inspiring video to do better, I genuinely never understood thoroughly what gaslighting meant but continued the behavior and pushed people away when I never wanted to. This video helped me put everything into perspective in the most simplistic way. No difficult explanation or tough words in every other sentence that leads me to look up the definition in google like a lot of books I’ve read which leads me to then forget my whole train of thought, just a realistic definition I can simply understand. Thank you.
As a new subscriber please do more in-depth detail on how to stop gaslighting as someone who has just become aware of their own gaslighting to their spouse I am interested in more on how to stop thank you
What is Gaslighting ? 1) 0:44.... When someone tries to talk you out of your version of reality. 2) 7:27.... Gaslighting is a bad habit that born out of other bad habits. 1:56 Why & How.. Why do we Gaslight ?....2:21 1) 2:30... 3:02... We tend to manipulate, instead of having touch conversation with someone we tend to manipulate their version of reality so they behave in a way we want them to. 3:30... We don't want to feel the rejection that comes with using our power out in the open. 2) 3:55... 3) 5:32... (With Example Story) How to Stop Gaslighting?..... 7:03 1) 7:10 2) 7:15 3) 7:20
Trauma producing trauma. You grow up not being able to communicate your needs and part of what develops instead is trauma coping mechanisms that, when you finally do become someone with power and responsibility, you don't necessarily have the tools to communicate with others without toxic tools like gaslighting
When you realize you have been an unconscious gaslighter. What can you do to recognize when this creeps into conversation or communication? What questions can you ask yourself before you try and explain your truth while avoiding the realm of gaslighting?
I love this question. All you have to do is pay attention to your emotional state. When you feel defensive, hurt, wounded, victimized … these can be the precursors to gaslighting someone out of whatever statement they’ve made to cause you to feel what you feel. You can call a time out “hey, I’m having a big reaction to what you have said. Let’s take a 10 minute break and talk once I’m calm again.” Said with kindness, this can create even more trust and connection. Thank you for watching!!
@@ThisisBronwyn thanks. Strength. Yeah that is something I am out of and have been for a while. I take it day by day. Some days I can't make it through the work day without having a cry and panic attack (and sometimes leave work early as I can't make it through the day). The unreasonable environment of a denied reality replaced with gaslights is so insane that I just break down some days. I ask Jesus to give me the strength to make it through the day sometimes. I can't seem to stabilize in a denied reality of gaslights...which I guess is my abusers' purpose (to keep me destabilized)...its so insane that my brain can't find a way to "adapt"...it seems it might be out of the range of adaptability as a reality is the foundation of which all other cognitive processes rest on...i know ive incurred a lot of brain damage (amongst other damage) in trying to exist in a denied reality. Its just crazy. I hope maybe one day someone sees just how insane and insidious it is and decides to have empathy and reaches out to me in regards to information on REALITY...not gaslights/deceptions/manipulations I understand some people will never stop participating in the evil of gaslighting but from what I understand gaslighting/psychological abuse (for one who has the capacity for empathy) isn't a habit and they may chose empathy and ethics instead I keep hoping and praying for a good Samaritan like that every day
Thanks for this! It's been pointed out to me that I'm a gaslighter by friends and my spouse. My parents both gaslit me all the time growing up. I'm not trying to make an excuse, just the background. I'll try these tips and everything you said was spot on. I usually feel guilt or shame so it's kind of a defense mechanism I think. I'm also unaware when I'm doing it. However, i've noticed I have a bunch of catch phrases that are totally gaslighting so I'll try to erase them and try to communicate better.
An good for you for taking the feedback and working on it! This is hard work, and often forces us to look at things we were previously unable to see. Just being willing to grow and change is half the battle! Stay with it and know I’m in your corner!!!
Then give credit to yourself you’re improving❤
Amen!!
Own it 💚 you rock
I wish my wife would talk like you lol. Keep up the good work, you’re on the right track. Your comment gives me hope… or will line me up for disaster, again… we will see!
Thank you for making videos, that allow us to not just push the blame but become better humans.
I have recognized that I gaslight my partner by denying or questioning complaints they make about my behavior. Usually she will say "You said/did something two weeks/a month ago, and it made me feel bad/sad/disgusted/disappointed."
Now, if what she claims I said or did, didn't actually happen, or I genuinely can't remember it, or I remember it differently, how can I genuinely respond or respectfully disagree without her feeling like I'm questioning her reality and subsequently gaslighting her?
If I genuinely remember the event or what I said, then of COURSE I will acknowledge it and her feelings. I care about and love her deeply, and want to better myself by being present in these moments, so that she feels acknowledged. What I don't want is to be in a position where I'm always blindly accepting every complaint or criticism she communicates, especially when she uses absolute language ("you always... you never... you do/say XYZ every time... ).
This is such a great question! I agree … blindly going ahead with something you don’t agree with ends up making us angry and resentful. I like this script for moments like that: “Wow. When I hear that scenario from your perspective, I can totally see why you feel so (angry, hurt, etc). I’m so glad you told me your perspective. I want you to know that my perspective is different and it was never my intention to hurt you. My perspective is X.”
@@ThisisBronwyn That's excellent! Thank you for taking the time to reply ☺️
This video is helpful! I’ve been told recently I’m a gaslighter and it happens totally unconsciously. I want to better myself and improve my relationships
Love it, Conor. Good for you for working on this! Most of us end up gaslighting at some point. And you’re exactly right … it’s totally at the subconscious level. Until now, that is! Bravo for working on your relationships and getting to know yourself better!
i came here because i was serially gaslighting my boyfriend of 5 years and i had no idea how to resolve it and im with you this one really helped me get a helpful 2nd perspective
So I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I been doing DBT therapy for awhile now, last night, my partner and I got into a really big fight and he called me a gaslighting asshole. This isn’t the first time someone has called me a gasligher, in fact, the moment someone uses that word as an attack against me I instantly become a walking doormat, and I will do anything to get the other person approval. I can’t afford therapy at the moment and I’m so afraid of being a really bad person that I’ve been looking at multiple videos on how to stop being a Gaslighter. Your video is one that has made a lot of sense to me and I hope to catch myself and use these tips in the future.
As someone with ASD I have come to learn that my innate inability to not understand, recognise or deal with emotions can lead to me gaslighting people I care about. And I think it's because of something you said here - I don't know how to deal with the emotions of being wrong, so I try to subconsciously manipulate the situation into one where I am not wrong, or at least I believe I am not wrong. It's a hard habit to break when the emotions causing this can't be recognised.
exactly! Good for you for recognizing it.
Thank you for not shaming us for having been gaslighters and actively supporting our healthier habits and changes!
You are so welcome samiha! I’m glad you’re here! 🤗
I realized a little while ago that I have many toxic habits such as gaslighting and I've been trying to identify these behaviors. This video helped me further understand why I do what I do and how to change it. I appreciate people like you who genuinely want to help others work on themselves and heal. This is the first video I've seen from your channel and I will definitely return here again. Thank you so much
So glad it was helpful!
Just realized i am the gas lighter in the relationship i told her but i want to better my self
Thanks for the video
It’s huge that you are becoming conscious of it! Good work! You’ve got this. Progress, not perfection. Big hugs.
Thank you for this. I discovered gaslighting last year, and that I was/am gaslighted by my parents for most of my life. Working on healing, and also killing of the narcissistic fleas I've picked up/am picking up from them. These are a major category of them.
I am so sorry you’ve experienced all of this! You are doing the hard healing work and it WILL pay off. Sending you strength!!!
@@ThisisBronwyn Thanks so much! It has already, and is one of the reasons 2020 was the best year of my life.
@@rmt3589 You are one of the very few people I’ve ever known who can say that lol! Keep going!
@@ThisisBronwyn I shall! Thank you.
I tend to have themes for my years, and 2020's theme was chrysalis. Near the end of 2019, I started withdrawing from social obligations (intentionally, not due to depression) so I could have a year to be at home and focus on myself. I honestly feel terrible because in early 2020 I prayed for a great excuse I could use to stay home. Covid because that excuse.
I’m guilty of gaslighting, guess I do it so much I don’t even know I’m doing it. It’s really not serving me well in my relationship. I would love any advice. Thanks and I subscribed 😊
I needed this info. Cause usually videos here on yt are all about being the victim of the gaslighters. Thankyouuuu! ❤️
So glad it was helpful!! I agree … we often make gas lighters into “bad guys/gals” when often they are just humans with bad communication habits that can be broken and replaced with better habits! Big hugs and ✨ shine on!
Thank you for this video. I am a gaslighter and I do it a lot as an automatic response to being called out on something. I don’t even want to gaslight people. I want to stop but I find myself still doing it.
The fact that you can acknowledge it and see it is huge. It is an ingrained habit and like all habits it takes time to undo set aside a practice for working with this habit… And you will start to see results I promise.
Very nicely done. Thanks
This is really good. Thank you for making this video and being so open, honest, and self-reflective. Most people wouldn't admit to this.
Thank you for acknowledging this! It means a lot!
OMG , this was me in my last marriage, Me and my husband were both codependent and we were both gas lighters, we never could communicate with each other, we both deflected with each other, it was toxic, he was not willing to go get help with me, now I am divorced and finally realized my part too, I was raised in total dysfunction, adult child of mental illness and addiction family, thank you for this video , It helped me see alot about myself, as painful as it is, I am on the road of recovery from addiction and codependency one day at a time
You are a superstar. To be able to see both parts and how both contributed? That is some next level stuff!!! Bravaaaa
It kinda triggered me because its basically just true. I've been told by my s/o that I am a gaslighter and I don't know I am actually doing it. This video opens my mind more. Thank you
I’m so glad it’s helpful! I hear you. Our patterns can be hard to see and BRAVO to you for taking the time to work on yourself! Shine on!
@@ThisisBronwyn looking forward for your next videos. I hope it would be something like how to stop manipulating
I had worked on stop lying, hiding and gaslighting for almost a year by this point, and just recently, I was confronted about a purchase that I knew I had done, just not when and how much, so I asked "no, what are you talking about?" Instinctively, I gaslit my beloved without thinking of what I was saying.
I have no idea why I have lied so much to her, I love her so much.
Good for you for putting in the work. This is not easy. The fact that you caught it is still worth a LOT. Keep going and know that I’m cheering you on!
I am going to be diving deep into your videos today, my wife pointed out that with things going on in our life I have been getting more gaslighty and seeming more like a narcissist… which I do not want to be and your video made me feel like I can fix it. Thank you
Good! You CAN fix it! And don’t be shy about getting into therapy. I’m a big fan!
How‘s it going?
(Cause I think I‘m a narcicisst and I want to change and know if I can change..)
@@Nobody-hs4jg it’s been a lot of work, shadow work(looking inward and admitting things), and owning my duck ups while sitting in them to feel it more then just on the surface. If you ever need resources and reading material let me know and I’ll figure out how we can communicate those.
@@Nobody-hs4jg you might not be a narcissist but raised to respond in ways that are that or have built bad patterns that are shared with narcissistic tendencies
Amen to this!! There are hopeless narcissists but there are also so many of us who behave narcissistically because that’s all we know. There is so much possibility and hope for those of us in the latter category! Bravo for doing the work and helping others along the way.
What a charming relatable and helpful video! I am glad I stumbled to this. Looking forward to many good lessons 😊
So glad you liked it! So glad you’re here! :)
Thank you for this. This was the video I needed.
Thank you!
Holy crap! This is exactly what I was looking for! Thank you so much!
I have been called out for gaslighting my ex girlfriend but I had no idea what they meant… so I did some research but I could only find instructions for the victims of gaslighting. I am pretty sure video will help me to stop gaslighting the people around.
Thanks again! 🙏 😊
Bravo!!!! Love that you’re doing this work on yourself. Huge huge love to u and your gf!
Your style is amazing and super engaging.
Thank you so much Kim!! Check out my podcast if you want ! It’s focused on all things communication! bit.ly/CaptivatingCourtroom
Thank you
That qoute about wielding power is perfect I think I grew in an environment where gas lite was the rule I would like to end it here if possible
Bravo! 👏🏻 and I can say the same happened to me too. Onward, my friend!
this video deserves so so so many more views!! thank you for your input! truly appreciate it 🥺
Ahhhh!! Thank you Aaron! So glad you got something out of it !
Thank you for free information God Bless you
You are so welcome!! Glad you’re finding it helpful!!
I think I am committing this. I am here to reflect on and improve myself. Thank you for this video.
Good for you. Not a lot of people are willing to look at themselves honestly. This is a huge first step. Brava!
Thank you so much.i will use the tips.you are spot on this is me. I what to stop as this is not healthy for me or my wife.And I don't wona lose her because of it.
If you have any more tips would be great
I’m so glad it’s helpful … keep doing the work and you will be amazed by what is possible. If there’s anything specific you want to see let me know!
Thank you for this inspiring video to do better, I genuinely never understood thoroughly what gaslighting meant but continued the behavior and pushed people away when I never wanted to. This video helped me put everything into perspective in the most simplistic way. No difficult explanation or tough words in every other sentence that leads me to look up the definition in google like a lot of books I’ve read which leads me to then forget my whole train of thought, just a realistic definition I can simply understand. Thank you.
Yeyyy!!! So glad it resonated!! And good for you for doing the hard work of self improvement. It is not easy and requires a lot of courage. 👏🏻
As a new subscriber please do more in-depth detail on how to stop gaslighting as someone who has just become aware of their own gaslighting to their spouse I am interested in more on how to stop thank you
Sounds good, Ben. Will work on this for you!
@@ThisisBronwyn I would like more information as well.. Thank you, I'm right there with just learning this about myself.. arg!
@@kimmwormsbecker1028 I have several episodes!! I should make a playlist just on this!! Will work on it!
I’m going to make a playlist so they’re all clustered together!! Look for that next week!
What is Gaslighting ?
1) 0:44.... When someone tries to talk you out of your version of reality.
2) 7:27.... Gaslighting is a bad habit that born out of other bad habits.
1:56 Why & How..
Why do we Gaslight ?....2:21
1) 2:30...
3:02... We tend to manipulate, instead of having touch conversation with someone we tend to manipulate their version of reality so they behave in a way we want them to.
3:30... We don't want to feel the rejection that comes with using our power out in the open.
2) 3:55...
3) 5:32... (With Example Story)
How to Stop Gaslighting?..... 7:03
1) 7:10
2) 7:15
3) 7:20
Thanks!
You’re welcome! 🤗
An excellent video! Thank you! You are so well spoken, empathetic, and easy to relate to. Genuinely helpful for everyone.
Bless you Mel!! So glad you found it helpful!!!
This was awesome thank you
You are welcome !!! 😘
I’m so glad I found this chancel! ❤️
Yey! Glad you’re here!
Hi i was wondering if youre still responding to comments on this vid
Trauma producing trauma. You grow up not being able to communicate your needs and part of what develops instead is trauma coping mechanisms that, when you finally do become someone with power and responsibility, you don't necessarily have the tools to communicate with others without toxic tools like gaslighting
Amen to all of this.
Im here because I see Gas lighting but wonder am I Gas lighting ?
can you do one for single people
Great idea!! Thank you.
When you realize you have been an unconscious gaslighter. What can you do to recognize when this creeps into conversation or communication? What questions can you ask yourself before you try and explain your truth while avoiding the realm of gaslighting?
I love this question. All you have to do is pay attention to your emotional state. When you feel defensive, hurt, wounded, victimized … these can be the precursors to gaslighting someone out of whatever statement they’ve made to cause you to feel what you feel. You can call a time out “hey, I’m having a big reaction to what you have said. Let’s take a 10 minute break and talk once I’m calm again.” Said with kindness, this can create even more trust and connection. Thank you for watching!!
Maybe someone will care tomorrow. Maybe someone wont deceive/reality deny/gaslight/manipulate me tomorrow
Ah … if only. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. The best we can do is arm ourselves to deal with it. Sending you strength, Nina.
@@ThisisBronwyn thanks. Strength. Yeah that is something I am out of and have been for a while. I take it day by day. Some days I can't make it through the work day without having a cry and panic attack (and sometimes leave work early as I can't make it through the day). The unreasonable environment of a denied reality replaced with gaslights is so insane that I just break down some days. I ask Jesus to give me the strength to make it through the day sometimes. I can't seem to stabilize in a denied reality of gaslights...which I guess is my abusers' purpose (to keep me destabilized)...its so insane that my brain can't find a way to "adapt"...it seems it might be out of the range of adaptability as a reality is the foundation of which all other cognitive processes rest on...i know ive incurred a lot of brain damage (amongst other damage) in trying to exist in a denied reality. Its just crazy. I hope maybe one day someone sees just how insane and insidious it is and decides to have empathy and reaches out to me in regards to information on REALITY...not gaslights/deceptions/manipulations
I understand some people will never stop participating in the evil of gaslighting but from what I understand gaslighting/psychological abuse (for one who has the capacity for empathy) isn't a habit and they may chose empathy and ethics instead
I keep hoping and praying for a good Samaritan like that every day
Get that resume dusted off and get OUT of that environment. ASAP.