Separation of Tasks: Simplify Interpersonal Relationships || Alfred Adler - Individual Psychology
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- Опубліковано 7 чер 2024
- Alfred Adler assumed that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. Through the separation of tasks, you can clearly differentiate the things you can control (= your task) from the things you cannot control (= other people's task). This will give you the freedom to (1) pursue your own path you believe in, (2) succeed authentically in the life tasks of love, friendship and work and (3) be free from judgement and recognition of others.
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TIMESTAMPS
0:35 Problems through competition
1:44 Problems through seeking recognition
2:55 Separation of tasks
4:27 What does it mean for your life?
5:47 Will we then have douchebags everywhere? No.
![The Courage to Be Disliked [Psychology Book Review] | Alfred Adler - Individual Psychology](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/djnzs_5CeN8/mqdefault.jpg)
![The Courage to Be Disliked [Psychology Book Review] | Alfred Adler - Individual Psychology](/img/tr.png)
TIMESTAMPS
0:35 Problems through competition
1:44 Problems through seeking recognition
2:55 Separation of tasks
4:27 What does it mean for your life?
5:47 Will we then have douchebags everywhere? No.
Great presentation, but unfortunate choice of words at 5:47.
I am a Certified Educator Candidate in ACPE. I have chosen Adler as my primary personality theorist. Your videos are helping me dissect Adler's theoretical concepts in small bit-sized pieces. Thanks for you good work!
Thank you so much for your kind and heartfelt comment! That means a lot. I wish you all the very best with any upcoming exam. Adler is an interesting one for sure :)
I keep getting labled as being "avoidant type" attachment style in relationships, but luckily I found out about Adler: here's where I end and you begin. I love you, but I want you to love yourself. I need time and space to focus on my stuff, I want to give you time and space to focus on your stuff too. Let's work on ourselves together... That's a healthy, wise way of relating. It doesn't mean you are afraid of intimacy. Adler basically shows that the so called "Avoidant" type is basically the healthiest attachment style.
Your videos are very helpful.
It helps me understand Adler's Psychology on a more deeper level. Really appreciate it ❤
Thank you so much for your kind comment! I'm so glad to hear that. Best wishes 😊
Recently discovered adler through the book "the courage to be disliked" Like all good philosophy it feels so refreshing to read and think about those great new ideas. btw it reminded me of the τετραφαρμακος of Epicurus, a super influential greek philosopher yet recently overlooked. Thank you for the video, your voice is soothing :)
Dear Aris, thank you for your kind words! I had to look up the tetrapharmakos and it seems to be somewhat anti memento mori 😂 seemed interesting. I'm glad to hear you enjoyed the video, Adler is a very interesting thinker indeed.
These are wonderful. So clear and helpful. Thank you!
Thank you for your kind words! I'm so glad this was helpful.
It's wonderful hearing you explain Adler. Brings back memories of the Adlerian conference
Thank you for your kind comment again, Andrew. I'd love to attend an Adlerian conference one day. Which one did you attend and can you recommend it?
Thanks for this, I found it really useful.
That's wonderful to hear, Peter. Thank you for your comment.
Loved the content!!
Thank you so much!! :)
Thank you for sharing this video, much appreciated!
Glad it was helpful!
Thanks for lovely video
You're so welcome, Edward! Thanks for your comment :)
You are amazing, thank you.
Thank you for your generosity! I really appreciate it. Best wishes 🍀
Thank you for sharing! I am recently reading Adler and this is very helpful. Maybe we can form a loving community here! Looking forward to future more videos!
Dear Rita, thank you so much for your wonderful comment 😊 That is so sweet and I'd absolutely love this place to be a community space where we can learn about and discuss all these interesting theories and techniques together 💚So glad to have you here :)
@@PsychodynamicPsychology ❤️
Thank you!
You're welcome!
Thanks ❤
Useful information 👍
I'm glad it was helpful!
love it it is kind of stoic philosophy : The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own…
- Epictetus
Hi Richard! Yes, it does sound closely related to Stoicism, doesn't it? Thanks for your comment and the Epictetus quote, it's a good one. Best wishes 🍀
Hey. Nomally i never make a comment on youtube. But i just want to thank you for explaining adlerian psychology
Thank you, Jonas, for your kind comment! I appreciate it.
Thank you
You're welcome!
Love you ❤
Hello, I came to this video after reading Kishimi's book and I hoped to get more keys on how to separate tasks.
''The task belongs to whom it will be profitable'' doesn't seem enough to decide.
What about if a task benefits both you and someone else ?
I feel you can always find a way to believe something eventually benefits you. A fortiori u being part of the universal community, like Adler suggests.
So, did Adler gave anything else about the weighting of who's tasks is who's?
I really like your vibe, is very cute
Love from Pakistan.I love the way you explain.Keep making videos.
PEACE OUT
Thank you so much, Muhammad! I really appreciate your comment, that is so kind of you :) I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Best wishes 🍀
@@PsychodynamicPsychology ♥
Such a beautiful face talks about a beautiful mind... Vid full of Beauty 😍😍😍
Please explain if we want to except our children to be good we impose discipline for good sake ,sapration of task will be useful or not it can be apply on those who are mature,who understands right, wrong
❤❤❤❤❤ Please please, how do we change the education system….so it’s not reward and punishment.
I found your channel while searching for book reviews of "The courage to be disliked". I have read about 75% of the book. This video can be a beautiful summary of what I have read of the book till now. However, one thing that has been bugging me about separation of tasks is that, it is ok as long as the inter personal relationships are between adults. How can you not intervene in a kids' tasks as a parent? You have to make them to go to school and make them do homework even if they don't want to do it. Right?
Actually, no, in my experience.
Even at my children's young age the power of choice was far more viable than forced. Then homework habits and routines became the driver rather pressure or manipulation. Once middle school, they were fully aware of the natural consequences of their own actions and outcomes.
Hope this helps...
After a lot of thought, I am not sure it is possible to separate tasks, nor how it should look like in practice. There seems to be a large cost (punishment) when somebody dislike us and that seems to be the largest hurdle to cross. There is a strong inclination toward appeasement in such situations.
You are right, it's an incredibly difficult approach to go through with. Adler would probably argue that it's worth the long-term gains though. I would add that separating tasks does not entail being rude, rather it recognises personal responsibility. I'm sure many people would struggle with this method and it doesn't mean you have to implement it. However, simply getting curious about why you feel resistance and what sort of fear or anxiety it stirs up can be interesting :) Best wishes!
@@PsychodynamicPsychology I went through a strange episode in which everything played out as Kishimi and Adler said it would.
Despite my best effort, and it was above average effort, I was punished because the wrong person disliked me.
At first, I was resentful that my effort wasn't recognized and respected, after that I tried using reward oriented thinking to change the situation. I said to a person: "I've done that for you, now you go and fix this for me." , it didn't work. At this point, I started thinking what have I done wrong, could have I done something differently, why is this person disliking me for no apparent reason, and I started thinking, is there a way to appease this person and change the outcome.
In retrospect, it would have been better if I just accepted the loss and moved on, but there are a lot of less extreme situations where a praise, gift or owning a favor could have changed the outcome.
I would gladly accept Adler's advice and get rid of my internal dialog and said actions, but I don't see how can it be done, nor how should I behave after that, of course I don't intend to be rude.
Or, maybe I understand, but I don't have enough courage?
Anyway, thank you for your posts, comments and for sparking my interest in Adler. :)
That sounds like a very frustrating situation to be in indeed. There are a few things I would suggest. First, if this is a pattern that keeps on repeating and causes you suffering, I always suggest talking to a professional. Second, I can recommend learning about non-violent communication if you could imagine seeking a clearing talk with that person. Third, if this happens in business relationships, there is a book called "50 laws of power" by Robert Greene. It sometimes gets a bad reputation, but I appreciate his honest take on power rule and dynamics - it's meant to be used for good and not evil purposes. So glad I could spark some interest :)
@@PsychodynamicPsychology It was business relationship, it stings and I have moved on. I hope it will not happen again.
I'm sharing the story because it made my thinking about separation of tasks very concrete and consequential.
Maybe I can describe what made me uneasy about separating tasks in that situation.
Looking for recognition, trying to use reward thinking and thinking about appeasing felt like doing something to change the outcome, separation of tasks felt like giving up and surrendering to whims of others, losing any way of influencing the situation.
To be honest, I don't know if I'm misunderstanding what Adler (Kishimi) said, or is this the necessary step in process.
Thank you for recommendation, I will look up the book.
@@darkos1510 hey darko, I am currently reading the courage to be disliked for the 4th time i believe and also struggle with some of the similar questions that you mentioned.. especially the one about ‘punishment’.. how much courage does one cultivate and to what extent does one go in following one’s own path and let others dislike one for doing that.. for instance, i could get ‘killed’ by someone if someone dislikes me to that extent for just doing my own thing.. afterall there are cases in India where people are killed for marrying a partner of their choice, as an example. So till what extent does that courage go.. but then I also tend to think of.. that is there any force operating as well(universal, spiritual, godly, ethics, whatever you would call it) that would protect you of such unwarranted consequences if they are not commensurate to your actions.. after all there are so many times when we think the worst could happen and it turns out that it was much less and the world is actually a far more safer & lighter place than what we think of it sometimes to be.
As for the business situation you mentioned, I think somewhere in the book the young kid asks the philosopher when he says that he is not concerned with competing anymore, that if he has sort of resigned and accepted his fate (something like this), and he responds with a negative, and says that he has just taken himself out of places concerned inordinately with winning and losing. So in this case when you say that separation of tasks seemed like giving up and surrendering to the whims of others, it might be that a part of you is still bound to a particular outcome that you wanted and is choosing that outcome (instead of freedom).. by choosing to let go, or ‘giving up’ on that situation, might be an exercise in your freedom to go on and do something else and associate with other more reasonable people.. but maybe there’s a part inside that wants you to be ‘the guy who doesn’t give up’, and that may in turn be also a desire to be liked by other people by becoming a guy who doesn’t give up... sometimes shitty things go out of our lives in a forcible way(when we don’t have the courage to let go of them by ourselves?) and make way for something better..
Just my ramblings, take these with huge teaspoons full of salt if you may :)
I am myself nowhere near to really understand what task separation is actually like or looks like when sincerely implemented, just learning and your comments did spark interest.
Thank you for creating this video.
How do you recommend one conducts a separation of life tasks?
By setting boundaries. That's how I interpreted it.
Thanks for your comment and interest. I assume you mean the separation of tasks? Life tasks are for yourself by definition ;) I agree with Lakshmi. However, it's both boundaries for other _and_ yourself. We often forget that we ourselves also intrude on other people's business a lot. Best wishes 🍀
All problems are interpersonal relationship
How does this work when your partner isn't treating you right? Is it not your task to communicate?
You should tell your partner how you feel when she's treating you like that and in a some way consult with her. But how she reacts or how she wants to proceed from now on is her task, not your. You can't change people, people only change if they want to.
Adler was wrong on the logic, especially in the first case. If you’re concerned about your spouses health due to the diet, they consume, you have every expectation to benefit from them changing their diet. It isn’t only the other that will benefit, as you will benefit by being able to have them around longer, and the greater health capacity for the two of you to enjoy your life together.
The three stooges
That was soooo funny, really
I agree on many of these points, and I'm reading a book about Adler's views,but still i have to say that humans are not machines and we cannot program our mind because of someone's ideology or observations 😂😂😂😂u sound like a woman who understud this literally and now you're propagating it to others which is stupid for my opinion 😂😂😂😂 humans have emotions and they are not perfect beigns,we judge eachother on a daily basis and we make mistakes every second of our life,thus all these materials are not correct,but they could be a good guidance 👌👌👌 also we cannot be self centered nihilists because we should think for ourselves,😂😂😂😂there is many good points in all of this but for me I'll rather make mistakes than to live someone else's ideology 😂😂😂we cannot live in the box,god didn't make us that way, and whenever we have rules and boundaries it means it's not correct,😜😜😜so don't take it literally 😂😂😂😂
It's better to strive for something and making changes that can be helpful and fail sometimes (like we all do) than not trying it because it cannot be done perfectly. You sound like someone who is looking for the perfect, true theory - unfortunately for all of us that doesn't exist 😂 Adler's theory is not THE truth just like nothing else is. It has some very interesting thoughts though that can be helpful for some people, that's why I talk about them. Best wishes!
@@PsychodynamicPsychology i agree,it could be guidance,im not looking for perfection,as i mention in comments before perfection is not possible,all im saying don't figure it out literally, because u are not a machine,😂😂😂 and following some ideology can make u a dumb and ignorant,so i say do not take it so literally,there is no perfection and these are just some ideological views from some philosophers who where really depressed and perfectionists,many of them committed suicide,😂😂😂😂
@@PsychodynamicPsychology Adler's theories are so practical than etiology. It really helps me to understand myself more everyday and be authentic. Instead of blaming on external factors now I am able to see the real reasons behind my so called failures in life. It's shocking and relieving at the same time coz now I have the control and power to do something about it. I believe in Adler coz I am putting his theories into practice and seeing results. Life seems very simple from his point of view. It's just me who made it complicated for me and others around me. I would like you to make these videos. I am already watching the playlists.
@@luckycharm1212 Wow, that's really interesting to hear! What and how exactly did you achieve this result, in case you feel comfortable sharing it. So far these are all the videos I plan to make about Adler unfortunately but you might be interested in Karen Horney as well (plus I created a self-awareness roadmap you can get for free by signing up to my newsletter in case that would be useful at alinamueller.com/freebie). Best wishes for your journey, really incredible!
@@PsychodynamicPsychology I have BPD traits and kept blaming them on my trauma and abusive upbringing. But now I am learning about the goals(according to Adler) behind my behaviors which is accurate. And it has given me hope to change. The core of BPD is, "not to get hurt in interpersonal relationships" and that's why pwBPD tend to create problems to drive away others. That is, I have the fear that what if I am healed but still get abandoned or hurt? Then I will have nothing to blame on which is BPD in my case. And that will negatively impact my self-esteem. BPD is my crutch to navigate through life. I love how simple Adler's theories are that a lay person like me can apply it to understand myself. I am interested in Horney's feminine psychology. I have the book but yet to read. I love your videos. I'll check out on the newsletter. A suggestion, can you try making videos on case studies by Adler? If you are interested in that is.