When you spoke about cis people feeling gender euphoria, it reminded me of a moment in my life. I left an abusive relationship after over 6 years. During that time, my wardrobe was controlled by my abusive partner. I've always enjoyed gothic style clothing, but I didn't wear it during those 6 years. I bought a long flowing black Gothic gown with dramatic sleeves, and when I put it on, I started sobbing. I was so overcome by how much I felt like ME. As a cis woman, I can't understand the trans experience. But if transitioning can help someone to feel an ounce of what I felt in that dress, I think it's worth supporting them.
Fuck, that's a powerful story. I wonder, if we could watch every little spark in the brain, would it look like I felt when I saw myself in the mirror with a binder on for the first time and thought I looked like a short teenage boy?
Yesss, I’m a cis woman but gender non-conforming and I get a lot of these moments of gender euphoria when I dress the way I want to dress, even if society thinks it’s not “feminine enough” for s woman.
Some people see transness as painting over an already existing painting. But,as a trans person myself, transitioning( medical or social) feels like carving from marble to find the person you already are. Congratulations on your surgery Jessie, you look beautiful!
I think too many cis people see trans people as two different people. Like someone they expected died and was replaced, but it's really the expectations that died. The person remains.
I always saw it as slow-motion TF haha. What takes days or weeks in those fics takes months and years. And indeed another commonality is that often some parts are quite painful but then they end up liking the aftermath so much that it was all worth it. Edit: uh, they as in the characters in the story, not othering trans people, I am trans myself)
This might be my ADHD talking, but I find it super impressive that you were able to script and plan this video in a way that you could record yourself before and after the surgery in order to convey the desired effect. That is insane!! I love it!
I was thinking exactly the same and came here to see if someone else pointed that out and turns out the person who does it has ADHD and even though not even once before I thought ADHD had anything to do with feeling impressed by her ability to plan that far ahead, now I cannot not see it... because I also have ADHD... so... yeah 😅
You've always been beautiful Jessie but I'm glad your exterior feels like a better match to your interior. This is such an emotionally raw and wonderful video. You look beautiful.
YESSSS! I was also going to say the same thing. You truly are a beautiful person ❤️ This whole process seems like it would be intimidating and scary (and exciting) - the strength and bravery you’ve exhibited is inspiring. Sending love and hugs ❤️❤️
When I was a kid getting braces, my orthondist said my facial structure/jaw needed surgery. So my parents heeded them and for years we made periodic visits to an orthopedic surgeon in Seattle. They decided to go through it super young (I was 14) so that it would heal better and because my face was such a perfect example they took extra 3d images so that they could use it in training materials. They broke my jaw in two places to lengthen it so that hypothetically when I grew older my jaw joint wouldn't wear out as it stretched forward. It was considered medically necessary and I don't remember having a say in it. However, my face changed drastically as a result, and I can still feel the screws in my jaw if I press my fingers in certain places. Then my dad got the bill. Part of the surgery had been denied by my insurance as not medically necessary. Remember how I said the Orthopedice surgeon was using my face for all those pictures and training? He decided at some point that I needed a more defined chin to make the pictures/transformation look better. My parents certainly didn't ask for that and I most definitely didn't, but they must have signed off on it among the mountains of paperwork. Now I have that permanent facial feature that doesn't match my heritage and I didn't ask for. It gives me a wierd perspective watching your discussion about your elective surgery.
That's so messed up. I had a somewhat similar experience when I got my braces off. The doctor had been filing all the glue off my teeth and told me he was gonna file my front teeth, I said ok. Well, it turns out what he meant was he was gonna file the bottom of my front teeth to be perfectly even and square. It completely changed my smile, and I never would have said yes if I knew that's what he was gonna do. I think the little imperfections in people's smiles are so beautiful, but now mine doesn't have any and it hasn't felt like my smile since. It's stupid, it's such a little thing no one would ever notice, but it really bothers me.
My wife is trans, and we have a friend who moved to Peru to teach. On a visit back, she said “I don’t know if you’ll understand this, but major life transitions are really hard.” My wife and I cracked up, and after a minute so, so did she. Glad that your transition is going so well.
So, as a Cis-Gendered Male, I don't always have as clear an insight on those that are transgendered. I've alway been of the opinion that "You do you Boo" in that you need to find your own happiness and truth. I began watching you from your Star Trek content, happy to find that there was someone that is as big a fan of Trek as me. I didn't initially cotton to the fact that you were Trans at all. It wasn't until I watched more of your vids that I realized it. Even then, you were so positive and effusive that I couldn't help but be endeared to you. I've been watching your journey for quite some time now and can't help but feel happy for you. This face reveal is something that I have been anticipating since you talked about it last year. I was broken hearted for you, when it was delayed and then jumped for joy and fist pumped when you were informed that it was happening sooner than later. This video moved me so much. It shows that this kind of thing is complicated in many ways, but was also necessary for you to be the complete you. I thank you for letting us be a part of it. Oh, and the quote from The Doctor just broke me. Hitting on so many levels. Be well and be happy, my dear.
@QueerAssTiefling Thank you for mentioning your experience on nomenclature here. I've been talking to a variety of people who are allies, and a number of them have felt very "sunburned" (to use a phrase) because our community feels the need to INSTANTLY correct even the slightest possible variance from what a listener's stance may be on labels/pronouns/topics and such, without taking into account the type of interaction, allowing for some space and grace to someone who isn't intentionally causing harm, WHILE also positively educating them. Yes, I get that people get tired/are tired/beyond tired of justifying, qualifying, defending themselves, whether it be pronouns, gender expression, names and so on. More than ever though, we need to not let the perfect be the enemy of the good - get people on board, help them learn, and encourage them to teach others so there are more of us overall to stand against the haters, not less.
@@Corbomite_Meatballs So much this! I have seen so many people dance around language because they WANT to be respectful but ultimately have been burned by having accidentally stepped on a minefield in their attempts to be an ally. It’s okay to educate (if you wish, it’s no one’s job to do so). But it annoys me when people don’t take context into consideration. Also, I think the generational gap must remain a part of the conversation. There are LGBTQ+ people who are Gen X or even Boomers who didn’t have the diversity of language available now. And they may not be bothered by the same terms that are considered outdated by Gen Z or Millenials, likely due to negative context via history. But the feelings on certain terms may just vary generationally and may even vary regionally. Language is just a thing humans use to define things for understanding. It is made up sounds we put together to communicate with one another. And it is, in more cases then not, clear when words are assembled together to be angry and insulting vs. sympathetic and understanding.
As a former philosophy major, SciFi/Fantasy geek, and cis-het dad to a trans/nonbinary kid, all I can say is...Beautifully done. ❤ What a wonderful job thinking, feeling, scripting, editing, explaining, and -- as always --- courageously sharing. P.S. - I'm not crying, you're crying! 😭 (OK, I'm also just a big ol' softie....☺)
Utterly brilliant. I'm an intersex, gay, man - activist, educator and just got back from an Intersex Conference and saw this. Every intersex person was and still is transitioned, against our will, without our knowledge, without choice, without self agency from Intersex to a binary that doesn't even exist by denying that we do exist. Those born neither male nor female and kinda both aren't even rare, let alone non-existent. It was wonderful to hear you say that being able to choose what is done to our bodies IS the whole point! That is the intersex people's mantra too, and we still make precious little advancement against "normalizing" surgeries that rob fertility from those who have it, destroy continence over the life span, and create numb or even painful genitals that NEVER orgasm so that we cannot know intimacy or love making. Some of us were force-assigned genders our bodies could never accommodate - like partial androgen insensitivity people who were forced to live as if they were boys/men although their genitals were closer to female and their bodies incapable of developing any secondary male sex characteristics at all. We have suffered the opposite of our trans suthers and bristers. While they so often are denied access to what they need to be whole - what we needed to be whole was denied and often violently stolen from us all in the name of "normal, natural, and some god's will." This happened at the same time and often by the same quacks selling "normal" and delivering sexual disability back in the 60's-00's. I was spared forced gender assignment AND forced surgeries because I was born just before it all started and my parents would never have agreed. My house mate is intersex AND trans. Originally called female aat birth she was then called male, and after 17 failed childhood surgeries that were supposed to make her "really" male, (she was/is neither- like almost all of us, Intersex IS our sex...), none were done for a medical reason - but instead to correct the first failed one! Her genitals were lost forever in emergency surgery as scar tissue finally obstructed her urethra forever. She was lucky enough to have the best urogenital/MtF surgeon in the country at the time but no one survives such ordeals with sensation left. She had no real choice in any of her surgeries. She finally took control of her identity - stopped the continuous performance of boy/man and just let herself be and become the person she felt she is. Unfortunately - it has been miserably difficult to know what that even is. If you've ever seen "Shaw Shank Redemption" you'll know what I mean when I say she had become "institutionalized." Spend 50 years onstage, finally get the chance to go home and you won't know where it is. I am so lucky I escaped all that, but there is so much I didn't escape... Thank you for doing this tour de force video between your past and present selves. What a clever way to accomplish it- and you rocked it. There are so many intersex people out here whom this will speak volumes to because we have been through such similar things as you describe here as a transwoman. There is indeed, a massive overlap - shared experiences and more between the Intersex and Trans because there are so many who own real estate on both planets and because our persecutions sound so similar.
I wish knowledge of intersex issues was more mainstream. Especially since it still seems worryingly common for parents and doctors to make life-long decisions for their infant children (whether it's surgically altering them trying to shoehorn them into a gender that doesn't fit). For me, learning that being intersex was a thing just made so much sense. They try to tell us that there are two boxes everyone fits neatly into but that isn't true on any level. Gender, genitals, chromosomes: none of it is binary. And, I mean, why can't we just let people have the genitals they have? And be the people they are?
Hey, thanks for commenting. I hear about intersex people from time to time in the various political arguments people I watch have with TERFs and all kinds of bad faith actors who are just OBSESSED with what other people are allowed to do with what's in their pants but I am pretty sure this is the first comment I've ever actually read by someone like you. I really appreciate the insight. Thank you and keep up the good work out there!
I don't get it why someone should have the choice about who you gonna be if you haven't even developed asa human being yet. Sadly once Transpeople were as accepted as gay people intersex people would have gotten their right to exist as well but with how things are currently going even gay rights are in danger now
While my experience as a trans man is wildly different than someone born intersex, that is how I currently view my sex. My gender is male, but my sex has changed from female to intersex as a result if medical transitioning. I hope that isn't offensive. It's just how I view myself. And I am intersex by choice, as opposed to by birth. I didn't choose my gender, but I did choose to alter my body and with it my biological designation. As you said, trans people and intersex people share many experiences, we just are coming at them from different directions.
None of us, when we were children, got upset with Pinocchio for wanting to be a "real boy", although nothing about who he was changed when he got his wish except the outside. Why then would we be upset with people deciding that there are certain things that they need to do to look on the outside the way they always felt on the inside? Another marvelous video!
The whole time I wanted to "tell Jessie to stop being mean to Jessie" and at the same time understanding both sides and the deeper meaning in the entirety of the discussion, as the video progresses. Thank you for being this trusting vulnerable in front of us Jessie, we appreciate and love you a lot.
I'm sure this will be lost in the sea of comments. But as a trans woman in the early stages of her transition, this video has been so many different feelings. I don't think I've ever seen a better video to articulate the complicated feelings... I don't even have words for it really... All I can say is thank you. Thank you soo much.
It may not seem like much, coming from a stranger in UA-cam comment section, but I wanted to let you know that you're a beautiful and valid woman. 🤗 Anybody who says otherwise can go screw themselves. With a cactus. Sideways. 😜
I grew up in a heavily Christian household, obviously based on my name. While trans people were not a constant point of conversation, I've grown up as a transphobic person and while I have no hate for trans individuals, I get this literal uneasy feeling in my stomach. It still happens a little, unfortunately. Those gut reactions are hard to immediately ignore, but I've always known that its important what I do with those gut feelings of uneasiness that I get. I have to recognize my feelings, that they come from a terrible place of fear and not love. This video is fantastic. The conversation you recorded with yourself felt real. It was so well done and I'll probably continuesly come back to this video to rewatch. While I'll always be a Christian I know that my religion has no room for dehumanizing anyone and I'll continue to do what little I can to combat and address transphobia in other christians. Thank you for making this video even though you were worried about how your recovery looked while editing this video. I am excited to see your growth and recovery in the future. I've never seen your videos before but I'm certainly going to subscribe now and keep watching.
it really makes me happy to see people change for the better like this, especially when the majority of cis people i know would never go to these lengths. i shouldnt have to thank you for wanting to grow as a person and be better, but i really have to say i appreciate it, because its way too rare. let all continue learning together :)
If it is gut, as oppposed to the limbic system there maybe some concerns and by the rest of the collective's concerns of substandard practices, at this point, and if only more medical things were done with the best, not flimsy colonial capitalist materials, for technology and oversight that actually cares for the patience and are not n*zi, potentially? It depends on the person and as a transperson who can't tan, but melanate fast with sunspots, and is white passing, but on paper, we also do not trust potentially capitalist and/or colonially biased "medical system" and would rather transform as we would also want our changes to always be temporary and not fixed and if not also furthering dysphoria an/or dysmorphia in us and others, even telepathically, in our collective social memory complex, too?
I don't think I've ever gotten this intimate of an insight into this process. Thanks for being so transparent! You had swag before, you have swag now, congrats on everything.
As a mother, I can love Jessie no matter what she looks like because no matter what "my child" does, my mother gene kicks in and doesn't allow me to hate. This also happens to me as an educator and I keep forgiving my bad a$$ kids for committing an infraction because not to do so makes teaching difficult and doesn't build bridges!
This was so touching. As a cis woman, this was a really great and vulnerable look at why someone might choose to get affirming surgeries or procedures like this. Congrats to you! You look, and looked, beautiful!
‘What was wrong with me?’ That made me cry. You’re a beautiful person and you deserve every happiness. I love your content and I enjoyed what you did here, technically difficult and incredibly vulnerable. Thank you.
I have admit, as a disabled cis person, I can relate to the invasive questions people ask about bodies. It gets to the point I sometimes want to scream that my medical history is none of your business. You don't need to know the how and the why I'm disabled you just need to respect me. Strangers (adults) ask all the time and I get tired. If you're asking questions about a disabled person's body merely to satisfy curiosity and not to improve access/quality of life for that person you don't need to ask. I've met several trans people over the years and I've always thought asking questions about surgeries would be rude for that reason. It's the reason I hesitated to click on this video at first, but I really wanted to show my support.
I've definitely noticed parallels in the invasive explanations that people demand from disabled and trans people. In both cases the asker feels an entitlement to a "satisfactory" level of detail to make this "foreign" experience understandable to them. Yet often at the same time they're looking for how to dismiss any request for real needs as unnecessary, whether it's physical accessibility of spaces, correct demarcations on the paperwork, or addressing the person in front of them respectfully (as opposed to talking to an assistant/companion or addressing directly+disrespectfully).
Im not even physically disabled, but before i got diagnosed with thoracic outlet syndrome, my MD thought i had carpal tunnel, i do hair so i would where a brace all the time. Literally ppl who knew me for .5 seconds would as what happened to my hand. I got so damn frustrated with it i DID start telling people its not their business. No one should have to explain their medical situations to anyone and its extremely weird ppl do it like its acceptable
So I’m a trans guy pre doing any gender affirming surgeries. I remember when I cut my hair short for the first time I automatically started to despise the version of me with long hair. At the time I didn’t know I was trans or why there was such a distinct difference in my mind of me with short and long hair. I have only now started not to hate the version of me with long hair because that version of me was just trying their best with what they had at the time. I don’t know if this makes a lot of sense to anymore other than me.
It makes total sense to me. I used to hate photos and videos of my pre-transition self, but now I look back on them with love and gratitude. "They were trying their best with what they had at the time" is exactly right. I'm thankful for them, but I'm even more thankful that I never have to be them ever again. They feel like a misguided younger sibling sometimes.
Honestly this comment just made me tear up a little because as a non binary person when I finally got my haircut to what I truly wanted (along with dressing in clothes I was comfortable in and not because I thought it's what I should be wearing) made me hate looking back at old pictures of myself. In the past I used to not take pictures of myself that much because of how insecure I felt and how much I hated the way I looked. I finally started changing how I felt about my past self. Now I feel a bit more empathetic and think "Aw, they were doing the best they could then". I may not be a trans guy, but what you're describing makes sense even if I don't feel it the exact same way you do.
I think this is a normal part of the growing up experience. Finding yourself and finding what makes you, YOU! 💕 I’m 30 now, I am a butch woman and the first time I fully shaved my head down I hated the version of me that always had long hair before I had the choice. I dress how I want and don’t take crap from anyone. I grew up convinced I wanted to be a boy, as I grew I learned to accept myself as I am. I am so amazingly happy to be myself and explore every single wacky wonderful aspect of how I want to express myself to the world. Much love on your own journeys
After your reflections with "former" Jessie, when you signed off and said, "Love who you are - and who you were" - I teared up. Because some days my whole life feels like a mistake. But if I can love that person I was, it helps me love the person I am and will be. Thank you dear Jessie! You are a light in this world, never forget it.
I'm a transmasculine nonbinary teen, and though I'll never quite feel what you do/did, I want to thank you so much for making this. Sometimes the notion of top surgery and its healing process scares me, and I wonder if it's even worth it when I'm more comfortable with my breasts now. You put that feeling, that need, into words. I started crying at "what's wrong with ME?" and didn't stop for the rest of the video, but it wasn't sad tears. You've helped me understand and learn so much, with this video and so many others. I'm so happy that you're able to feel more like yourself now and wish you luck in the next stage of your life.
This!! Im an almost-30 nb transmasc also constantly waffling about top surgery (and that line also made me cry for the rest of the video lol). It makes me so happy to hear younger people having the language and opportunity to explore and make decisions about their gender expression in a way I wasn’t able to until my 20s. Never stop changing, and good luck on your journey!
My personal experience since i was alot like you in my teens. This is just my opinion and i dont want to make you feel like im telling you what to do! I think its worth waiting till your 18 at least. I thought i was trans around 14-16 and i grew out of the discomfort and confusion. I later realized i was undiagnosed autistic and it has a serious effect on lots of AFAB ppl throughout puberty. I later realized i had no affinity to for either gender and just ran with nonbinary. I was extremely glad i didn't change my body because it couldve genuinely caused my disphoria. I just grew into myself. This is not everyones experience but it was mine. I hope you find your answers!
@@twinkiesnails8857 Thank you for your advice! I'm already considering that I'm probably autistic, and I doubt I'd be able to get top surgery until I'm at least 18 anyway lol. I know how gender and sexuality can shift though, so I'm never ruling anything out!
@@kriscuit recognizing i was autistic opened my eyes. Its extremely common for afab ppl on the spectrum to seriously struggle with gender conformity, so much so it classifies as a diagnostic criteria for "atypical presentation" i also learned, even though to the world i am femme, i were dresses and like makeup. It doesn't change the fact i dont feel like a woman or man, i honestly chock it up that i feel that way BECAUSE of my autism. And its no ones business how you, inside, feel about your gender. You dont have to explain your view of yourself to others, it took me SO long to learn i dont have to fit into whatever OTHERS ideas of what NB means. I really liked Tony ATWOOD when i was discovering my nuerodivergence. I was already diagnosed with ADHD. And his break down of AFAB autistics made me realize all the things i struggled with that my other ADHD friends didn't, had a name. It felt like i was really able to accept, understand, and be comfortable in my skin. I really rambled so im sorry lol i hope this was helpful even if it was just waffling
Totally did not burst into tears at “What was wrong with me?” 😭😭 Congratulations on your surgery, thank you for this video 🖤🖤 Ps. The filming/editing/‘acting’ required of this video was fucking impressive
Jessie from the past saying "being compared to John Travolta kinda hurts" felt so true to my core. I am trans. I understand everyone's feelings about their bodies are intimate, but it still hurts. Our bodies are beautiful, I already thought you were beautiful. Can we feel beautiful and still want to change ourselves, and not hurt ourselves in the process?
Your dialogue was beautiful. There is something I'd like to say to pre-FHS Jessie. You'll always be around. You're on the internet, and that makes you *forever!* Thank you Jessie, for sharing your thoughts, your complicated feelings, and yourself with us (me). Many happy returns.
We don't look like what we looked like when we were babies, or when we were 5, or 10. Our faces change as we grow. You're just growing. And you're still growing. In 10 years, 20, 30, your face will be different. And you could have this conversation again each time. It's good to always love yourself. You have been a huge help to me, and my NB kid. Thanks, from this transparent
@@shepherdbrooks7609 I love my kid to bits and pieces! I will always accept them for who they are (helps tremendously that they are a kind, loving, sweet, funny individual and I truly just *like* them).
Sweetie. I'm an XX girly girl. My mother started body shaming me at around 9 years old. Now I'm 63, and she's still doing it. She's not malicious, but it's just a kind of conditioning, I guess. Part of you're identity is having the perfect body. I'm truly happy for you to have the body and face that you want. I spent many years on that quest, through diet and exercise, with variable results. ❤
@@kalig.4982 Of course she had a choice. I do believe in free will. But I was growing up in the era of the Playtex girdle, which advertised giving you a flat stomach, and the Cross Your Heart bra, that "lifts and separates"! Yeah, no cleavage for you, girl. Fun fact, I'm the same age as Barbie, and that was the ideal. My mom believed sincerely that it was in my best interest. She actually bought me a girdle when I was 13. I was 5'6", 130 lb. I wore it, ONCE. :(
I'm 99% sure that I had FFS with the same surgeon as you, but I had mine a few months earlier. I scheduled my consultation over a year before the actual surgery date (insane waitlist). I was terrified that my surgery was going to get cancelled because of rising covid cases, but my date landed in a trough. The department that handled prior authorization there left a lot to be desired, and consequently I didn't have coverage determined up until 1 week before my surgery, which is pretty nuts, since they had 1 year to figure it out. And even then, I only got everything handled because I Karen'd out and my insurance rep pulled out some miracles. Like you, I felt like my life was on hold the entire time, and I was terrified of losing my insurance and having to hit the reset button yet again, after already waiting several decades. When you have such long waiting periods, but no guarantee of insurance, and you're a minority, and you're in the middle of a pandemic or recession, the odds of losing coverage are high. My face was pretty puffy for about two months, and I am still seeing improvements in my appearance. I was surprised about the mental work I had to do after surgery. It caught me off-guard. I am still getting used to my face and figuring out what to do with myself now that this is probably my final pokemon evolution. Thanks for making this video.
There is nothing in this world more brave than radically and authentically loving yourself in the face of fear. As a nonbinary person, it's people like you who have helped me better understand my own gender identity, thank you so much for sharing your journey
We should all learn to love ourselves and each other radically and authentically. Preferably in one fluent eternal motion. I hope your life will settle on a place of contentment as a basis for happiness, joy and balance and love. You deserve it.
I'm so impressed at how much planning must have gone in this project, the foresight and writing, I'm just amazed. You look great Jessie, happy to see you happy!
I apologize if this isn’t the right place to talk about this, but I feel like I need to. As a cis woman, I resonated deeply with this video, quite literally to the point of tears, and I want to talk about the idea for gender affirmation for cis people. I do not say this to take away from trans people or say it is the same experience. It is an entirely different experience, though in the same realm, but one I can’t find anyone talking about, and I need to. And as a note before I jump in, I know this isn’t body dysmorphia because I also live with that, and it’s a different thing altogether for me. As mentioned, I am a cis woman, 23, but I have a body that can very easily appear boyish, primarily due to the fact that I have no boobs. Well, I have *some*, but it’s too small to fill even an A cup bra with. Unless I am wearing something that accentuates my waist, I feel like a boy, and I hate it. If I wear pants or shorts or a non-fitted T-shirt, I feel like a boy, and I hate it. My body does not match my perception of how I envision myself even though I was born into the “right” sex. Sure, having the right wardrobe will fix most of my issues, but I still notice it in other ways. The way that I can’t fill out many tops or dresses because they were designed for someone with boobs. The way my silhouette is flatter in the mirror than I feel like I should be. The way I can’t even wear padding to help because there’s not much to even push into place. Sometimes, I have the right outfit, and I feel like the top of the world. But oftentimes, it’s not right. My body’s not right. I’m. Not. Right. To add to everything, I have a conventionally attractive body. I’ve had many, many people, regardless of gender, tell me how amazing I look. Many women have told me they wish they had my body because I have a small waist and decent hips and big boobs are a nuisance. And I do feel attractive, somewhat. I do appreciate the body I have. But I wish there was more. I want to feel like my gender. I want my body to match my perception of my gender. And that feels so strange to say as a cis woman, because cis people aren’t supposed to experience that. They’re supposed to already be their gender. It’s frustrating that I don’t feel like my body is the right gender even though my sex is. Part of what hit me so hard with this video was the previous body asking what was wrong with it, and the explanation of how it’s not a bad body, just not the right one. I love my body. I do, mostly. Ignoring my disabilities cause yay. It is a good body. It’s pretty. It’s fun. It’s just not mine. If I was given the opportunity, I think I would choose to get a breast augmentation done. Yes, it comes with it’s own issues, but it would make me closer to who I see myself as. Just as a trans person might get surgery to affirm their gender, I think I’d like to too. But I worry. I want to address these feelings as they are, but I don’t want to take words and meanings from trans people when they mean so much to them. I’m not trying to push myself into spaces I don’t belong. I just want to describe what I deal with, and I worry about how to do that. Is it wrong for a cis person to use terms like gender dysphoria to explain experiences like mine, where the body doesn’t match the gender even though the sex does? Would it be wrong for me to say my breast augmentation surgery, if I do get it, is gender affirmation surgery? Like I said, I don’t know if this is the right place to talk about this, but the depth of this video and how it resonated with me made me want to get it out, more than anything in the world. Gender is weird and confusing, and so very, very frustrating.
I'm really glad you brought this up. This is something I really relate to, but never have the right language to discuss it (or people to discuss it with). As I've started to lose weight, my breasts are disappearing to their previous non-existence, and it feels so wrong. I have a condition that has also caused my hair to recede a little, grow facial and more body hair, and my face and lips to kind of thin out. Sometimes I feel like a non-human blob. I respect my body for it's functionality, and what it can do, but it feels so alien sometimes. I look in the mirror sometimes, and have to immediately look away because it feels, like an existential horror. It's not that I see something disgusting, it's fine, it's just that it's like looking at someone else, and the dissonance hurts my psyche. It's hard to explain. I brought up the idea of breast augmentation, and some facial feminisation (minimising the forehead, fillers in the lips and below the eyes), and my husband is really against it. He says he loves me as I am, and it's hard to explain, that I do love me, but I also don't feel I am me.
Hi I’m nonbinary. The way I see it, the words fit. They may typically be used in the trans experience, but that doesn’t mean cis people can’t experience those things too. I’m sorry that you experience gender dysphoria. It’s not a feeling I would wish on anyone. But there is this strange comfort (not sure if that would be the right word?) that a cis person understands the “this is a nice body, but it doesn’t feel like me” feeling. A lot of cis people try to brush it off and say to “love your body how it is,” but they fail to understand that it’s not that simple. They don’t understand the confusion and pain I wish you well in your journey to gender affirmation. There might be people who try to tell you you’re wrong, but they have no say in how you feel and what would make you feel like you. Good luck
It sounds like you need breast augmentation. I dont think that it is gender dysphoria unless it matches up with the DSM-IV's criteria for gender dysphoria or if you get a diagnosis of gender dysphoria from a therapist. There are plenty of cis women who experience extreme discomfort due to the size of their breasts. I dont think thats the same thing as gender dysphoria, because gender dysphoria is a discomfort with ones perceived gender: which you clearly dont have since you're comfortable with your identity as a woman, and to me it is a bit strange to hear a cis person referring to their experience in that way. I think the semantics is confusing, and can come across aa being confused, and its hard to tell wherebyoure coming from what that phrasing. Maybe reading the DSM-IV's criteria for gender dysphoria and seeking other women who got breast augmentation and hearing their stories could help you find the right words. Hope you get what you need! xx
I’m trans and I think that sometimes when cis people get breast augmentation, or other forms of plastic surgery, it legitimately is gender affirmation surgery for that person. I think its completely possible for a cis woman, or cis man, to feel a huge sense of discomfort because they don’t look enough like the man or woman they want to be seen as by society. And also, discomfort because they struggle to see the man or woman they want to be in themselves. Calling that ‘dysphoria’ makes complete sense to me. I wouldn’t insist that someone IS feeling dysphoria if that’s not a term they feel is right for them. I think it depends on the person’s motivation, which maybe only they know for sure, or maybe some people don’t even totally understand *why* they want the change that they want. But seriously: trans people and cis people have honestly the exact same issues about our bodies, it’s just that trans people run against a particular wall of bigotry when we try to chose the role in life we want to play. But cis people still run into harmful stereotypes and bad harsh treatment that show them they aren’t acceptable as they are. We (trans people and cis people) can relate to each other really well if we try. We have nearly everything in common, and most of what differentiates us is discrimination.
I so get you, I have smaller breasts and every single woman in my family has huge mommy milkers, so my small chest was a running joke throughout my adolescence. It made me feel ugly, it made me feel like a boy. I hated my body all throughout my teens. It’s only now that I’m an adult that I can appreciate it for what it is
I cheer for you, Jessie. My oldest child is trans, married to a person who is also trans. I see their struggle all the time. We as humans care how others see us, and it affects how we see ourselves. It is wonderful to see your outward appearance match more closely to who you actually are and have been for some time. You are beautiful.
That last part of the conversation hit me like a freight train. It's something I've been fighting with as a transmasc non-binary and something about the idea of leaving behind that little girl and turning my back on them hurt so badly and has tied me to my doubts around pursuing my transition. Now I don't feel as badly about it all. That "little girl" then teen "girl" then "woman" were all changes in themselves from one another, so this isn't any less self loving or any more selfish than any other changes I've gone through. So thank you for that
I cant imagine the patience and confidence in a script that demands you can't "reshoot it if ya change it" because you'll literally have a different shaped skull in the reshoots, well done!
Someone who's had three major surgeries and probably had this conversation with herself each time. I've only had one (probably my only) gender confirmation surgery. And this all sounds extremely familiar to me.
As a cis-woman who got rhinoplasty to feminize my face, this video brought me to tears. I had a deviated septum with a prominent hook on one side and it actually caused physical health problems. One side looked curved small and feminine and the other looked very masculine. I would always turn my head to show the feminine side when talking to people and taking pictures. I sometimes still miss the old nose and find little things about my new nose that I don't like, but I'm so much happier now. Some people picked on me and others complimented my unique look, but I'm happier without feeling like it's something people are focused on and they can just see me now. I hope you find great happiness with your new look! You are so beautiful! 💖
My nose kind of went the opposite- I had a perfect little nose until a rare cancerous growth thing that I can't even begin to try to spell. Dermatologists kept trying to tell me it was just a skin colored mole until I finally insisted they do a biopsy. I lost about half my nostril on my 16th birthday and a week after had plastic surgery to rebuild it. The scar goes all the way up past the bridge of my nose because they stretched the skin down. That and the fact my nostril ended up noticeably shrinking really changed the look of my nose.
The biologist in me is like "tee hee, born with those bones? nope, you were born with mostly cartillage my girl!" Also this felt like a genius way to explore this. And the amount of planning! You would have had to script this before the surgery and really explore how you felt and how you might feel in the lead up to major surgery. Congratulations on another great video and on getting the surgery you wanted. And I wish you a continued speedy recovery.
As a black queer man whos Masc this video gave me so much feelings. I was always seen as masc by everybody, had an athletic build, and was always cool with everyone. In highschool I was into wrestling and track but the moment I expressed interest in cooking my parents pushed back hella hard and I couldn't figure out why. I wore hard colors along with pastel color clothes and my parents pushed back against me wearing pastels. Im in my mid 20s now and im more comfortable navigating these weird gender norms and I think the hardest part is realizing these things DONT make sense. The best part is realizing that these things dont make sense, and that you will never make sense 100% except to yourself.
My first thought at the reveal was “Aw, she’s such a cutie!”. Jessie has always had a very endearing feeling about her, and it still conveys wonderfully through the remaining post-op puffiness. Hoping the rest of the healing process goes smoothly💖
I'm probably bad for this, but my thought was 🤞 _please have dimples_ 🤞 _please have dimples_ 🤞AHHHH dimples ☺️!!! Would've been fine either way but I'm pretty sure it probably doesn't work like that cuz muscles and such... and.. idk 😅
This conversation really touched me. It made me reflect on my own 'masking'- as an Autistic woman with poor control over my face. I got Botox to treat chronic Migraines recently- and one interesting side effect- is while I don't notice any difference when I look in the mirror- other people have stopped constantly commenting on my expression. People have stopped asking me 'are you ok?' (I had resting worry face something fierce). There's an expression "Never ask the tight-rope walker how he stays up, because if he thinks about it he might fall." I would often be going through my life happily- and someone would think I was upset- and this would make me feel guilt- that I didn't correctly express my happiness for them. And then I'd get anxious- because the demand of the performance took away from the real experience. Now days- I don't feel more beautiful or confident- I just get to carry on with my life. People don't question me- and I can get back to being happy and myself.
I know when you say “my body, my choice” in this instance, you’re specifically referring to gender harmonization surgery, but it also makes me think of the big struggle against those who want to stop abortion rights currently. It reminds me that we’re both women, trans or not, and we need to stick up for each other and protect each other’s body autonomy. Women protect women.
As a counselor for Trans teens...this was so gorgeous and profound. Thank you for expressing your complex feelings so eloquently and with such heart. I cried so much! This video could really change hearts and minds. Thank you beautiful lady!!!
Aw Jessie you look great! I'm FTM and currently healing from the hysto I had 9 days ago. Healing from surgery is tough, so keep doing your best to care for yourself! Thanks for using your platform to educate folks about us.
Also, anybody who knows shit about surgery knows that swelling is normal. It takes like 12+ months to see the true end result of FFS. My tummy is super swollen from my hysto now, too. The redness from my top surgery scars are finally faded after two years! I know you need your face for your job, which makes it extra difficult to deal with. But you're doing amazing.
As a fellow trans woman, also thinking about facial harmonization... also with the same fears... I guess you know very personally how thankful I am for you for doing this video... still gaining courage and savings to make it maybe happen someday. Hopefully. Thank you.
Let me tell you this. This is for you to look the way you FEEL the way inside, not for how other people think of you. People are ALWAYS gonna be transphobes who think you don't pass, so you just present yourself in your own reality of yourself.
This was brave af Jessie. The “but why?” is such a frustrating question because inside ourselves, the why is obvious- we feel it. Articulating or explaining it to someone else? Might as well try telepathic communication because that is just as likely to succeed. I will never be able to find the right words to express why I feel male to my core- I just do. And that is enough of an answer for me, and it should be enough of an answer for everybody else. Self awareness is intrinsically is a lonely endeavour.
This may be a bit controversial but bare with me: I think there is a larger gap between "cis" and "trans" then "straights" and "gays, lesbians, bis, etc" because people have a harder time wrapping their heads around what it is like to be trans. Which is why what Jessie does is so important. For a straight man contemplating being gay, all you have to do is say "just imagine what you feel for girls, you feel for guys". Most of cis people don't /have/ a strong sense of gender to begin with. "We" just are: being a cis male, I pee standing up, shop in the men's section, etc. no thought to it. So the idea of aligning differently, wanting things differently than the way they were since birth, is harder to contemplate.
@@dante6985 This is an interesting point. Most straight people can easily define what it 'feels like' to be attracted to the opposite gender. They can call that sensation to mind in a second, in all its detail. They could probably spontaneously write an essay listing the finer points of mental, physical and emotional attraction. So it's not that big a leap to imagine "what if I felt all that in response to the same gender?" However in a my experience most cis people rarely think about what it 'feels like' to be their gender, and may not even have a strong sense of gender identity. So it's a much bigger leap for them to imagine what it would be like to have an identity which doesn't fit the one you've been assigned. I'm nonbinary/agender, and I've spent the last few years trying to figure out what gender identity is, and what it feels like - because I don't experience it! I've generally found cis people struggle to answer when I ask "what does it feel like to be a man/woman?" Or they can only give examples of external social factors (e.g. "wearing dresses and makeup, enjoying talking about emotions, experiencing sexism" or "having short hair and a beard, being told not to express emotions and uh... liking cars and sports?" All real answers I've been given about the cis experience of 'being' male or female. Often they've never really questioned what gender 'feels like' or what it means to them below a surface performance, and their definitions falter once you point out all the sports-liking suit-wearing women with short hair who still identify as women, or ask whether a man who's able to express his emotions or likes wearing dresses automatically becomes a women (even when he still feels like a man). Usually if you keep asking questions and push a little deeper, cis people do experience a deeper sense of identity, they just haven't thought about it before. An example I've started giving to make the difference between presentation and identity clear is this: imagine a random selection of people are dressed in a plain uniform. They're presented with two signs - Men and Women, and are asked to stand beneath whichever sign fits them best. Now you enter the room, and are shown these two groups. You're asked the same question "which one are you?" Whether you look at the signs, or at the people standing underneath, most people immediately have a clear sense of which group to walk towards. Most cis people can recognise that immediate sense of 'belonging' to one group or another, of 'being' one of the other. They can imagine how it would feel if they were stopped and told "sorry, you have to stand with the other group." They know that would feel very wrong to them. It would simply feel incorrect, inaccurate. That, as far as I can understand, is what gender identity 'feels like' at its most basic level. That feeling of belonging to one group or the other. The feeling of 'rightness' or 'wrongness' depending on which group you're told to stand with. Personally, as a nonbinary person, neither group feels like 'me' at all. In that example I would experience a genuine pause, genuine confusion about which direction to walk. Neither group feels 'correct' or 'accurate' to me. I'd feel most closely 'identified' or 'belonging' with other people who feel the same way. We could loosely make a third group somewhere in the middle. So what I'm saying is, I agree that the obscure, nebulous and internalised nature of 'gender identity' can make it more of a mental and emotional 'leap' for cis people to understand. Trans people are often discussed as if their identity is a lot shallower and more surface-level than it actually is... and perhaps part of the reason behind that is the cis people making those assumptions have never truly stepped back and examined their own gender identity at a deep level. Their understanding of their own gender identity is shallow, so they're projecting that shallowness onto trans people.
I'm just a cis gender hillbilly from east Tennessee but I think you are beautiful. I'm so happy for you! I think it's amazing you realized your true self!!!
What on Earth did I just saw? 😭😭 This was one of the deepest LGBTQ-related videos I've ever seen, and I've seen a huge amount of them over the past few years. Thank you so, so, SO much for sharing this mythological gemstone of a video with us, Jessie! Once, I commented that you was the one that showed me the (metaphorically) true meaning of Pride, and you've managed to do that AGAIN, perhaps even better than last time! I'm so glad that UA-cam allowed me to parasocially meet a woman as amazing as yourself: you manage to remain an absolutely lovely, empathy-filled nerd in spite of all the UNFATHOMABLE negativity that you have to face head-on all the freaking time. That becomes even more amazing considering that you are an Autistic trans person like me (I'm enby btw). I know too well how unbearably strong our emotions often get in seemingly everyday situations, let alone when we are overexposed to doom, gloom and vitriol. Anyway, this comment has been getting long for a while, but there were simply too many emotions to share. All I can say before I start wandering in circles is: take care, stay safe and enjoy your new face. 🤗
I, a cis het woman, very much appreciate the way you did this presentation. I was fortunate enough to have a good friend (since high school and that's a mighty long time ago) who in his mid 30s realized that he was trans. At the time (more than a decade ago) I didn't understand. I never discouraged him, I completely supported him, but was concerned for his well being as this was a life altering decision. I watched him transition from afar, as we live in different states, so I got the snapshots a year or so apart. I came to understand as his transition progressed, that my friend was more relaxed and comfortable in his own skin than he ever was as her. I was lucky to have that experience, because though I never thought less of trans people before that, I didn't really understand it. I didn't "get" it. Because of my friend's experience, I get it. I'm a much better and more effective ally because I get it. I think many people who didn't get it before watching this video, have a much better grasp because of how you did this.
This dug far deeper than I expected. I can be honest and say I was asking a lot of the questions pre-surgery Jessie was asking while watching the videos leading up to the surgery, but the joy and lightness you possess post-surgery, even with the beard on or speaking off-camera, is undeniable. This had to be a tough video to create, but I thank you for sharing it with such transparency.
Watching this made me feel naked and vulnerable with you. I wanted to hide, protect, and defend. Jesse, you are so courageous in the face of the tidal wave of all the external and internal assaults. It wounded me deeply. I had to pause this often because it, if you allow empathy to expose your heart, was a brutal tempering. And then, when I could start again, it soothed. I cry and rejoice with and for you.
The blue versus pink/red earrings and eye shadow was a lovely touch. I cried to hear you say "what was wrong with me?" There are so many things you addressed in this video that resonated with me.
I'm glad that you mentioned that not all trans people's journey end at the big surgery, and that they can end at a point before that. As a trans man who's feminine presenting, I'm ok the way I am. I have thought about t, and want to, but it had also been weighing on my mind that I want it not for the physical benefits, but for the social benefits of no longer being misgendered (especially again, since I'm extremely feminine presenting and in a society that runs by the binary, that's automatically given me the 'girl' title since I am Pre-T and don't have much to traditionally indicate my identity as a man besides my short hair.) If I could end my journey here, I would... That's if, of course, the social aspects didn't come into play.
The part just before minute 30 where Old You says, "WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?!?" shocked the tears out of me. THANK YOU for sharing this struggle with us. Thank you for showing that even though everything we trans people do to our bodies, even though we want the changes desperately, also frightens us. What if I don't like what happens? What if I'm not pretty enough? What if I look like a freak and everyone can tell? Those are all the questions that kept me in the closet and deeply repressed until 2016. But here I am now, in 2022, living full time as a woman for 3 years, and on HRT for about 6 months longer than that. At no point did Old Me ever come back and ask me what the hell I was doing but it's not like I would've listened to him anyway. Sorry, I didn't mean to make this about me lol! I don't know how you scripted that so well, Old You arguing with New You (which, by the way, was *very* uncomfortable for me in some parts!) You're an amazing creator and it blows my mind how some of your best content is about your own transition. Which brings up a *very* important question to me: Would you say your transition is over?
A wise rat once said, "Change is nature, and it starts when we decide." It makes me so happy to see you happy; I wish you multitudes of gender euphoria! 💜
As someone who stumbled upon your channel due to your Trek takes and general nerd centric vids, your openness about trans issues and experience has been so enlightening to a cishet such as myself. I've had close loved ones who have begun their own process of transitioning and I can thank you for helping me become more aware of my own blind spots. Thank you so much Jessie, I'm so happy for you and wish all the success in the world!
As a cis/het guy, I won't even pretend that I fully understand transness. Like Edward Walter, I came to your channel for the Trek and geek vids, but along the way I've been exposed to a human experience different from my own. But while the particulars are different, to wrestle with one's own identity IS the human experience. Thank you for a (characteristically) deep, enlightening essay.
"The totality of myself, the wholeness of my person." God, I'm only a chunk of the way through and goodness this line is moving. Jessie this was a very brave thing to post and super personal. Thank you for sharing something like this with us, we're proud of you. Edit: Well I'm getting closer to the end of the video and I'm crying now.
This video touches on a deep, contradictory experience of transness that is difficult to express: how we feel about our past selves. The dysphoria vs the self love. That girl I was was so brave for going through so much. But I'm not erasing her by changing my appearance. She is still me. Perhaps I should do the same thing I tell the cis people in my life to do and refer to past me with the correct name and pronouns. But gender is so complicated. Yes I was a nonbinary child. But I was also a girl. Anyways, thanks for the awesome video! Both of your faces are beautiful and I'm glad that you're feeling more comfortable.
I've been reading The Beauty Myth. Our entire sense of aesthetic and beauty is made up, none of us will ever be free of the desire to look and present a certain way, or differently from the current one. But you and so many trans humans that underwent the surgery are proof that change can mean so so so much more than just prettiness. It's about being at peace with your body. And I'm so happy that you feel even more like yourself. Also, yes, you look super gorgeous. Always have, now even more 🧡
I knew someone in college who came out as trans and suddenly seemed sooo natural after that! No akwardness in our interactions or anything like there had been before. Something didn't seem quite natural before. Yet she was disowned by her parents for being trans. She went on to do great things without them.
"Change IS nature; the part that we can influence, and it starts when we decide." -Remy (Ratatouille) Happy you're happy Jessie. Love from Costa Rica 😊🥰
this Jessie from the past perfectly represents the part of ourselves that is extremelly cruel to us, kinda cathartic to see this as a very self aware and anxious person, it's good to be kind to others, but is also extremelly important to be kind to ourselves, also, great to know your surgery went well!
I'm a cis woman who loves what transness reveals about gender and humanity. I love what you said about constantly growing and changing. It made me want to show some love to my past self too.
Very much seconded! Cis woman also and I don't understand people feeling threatened by transness. It always makes me feel more confident that I am female.
I'm now three weeks on Testosterone, which marks the first step in my medical transition. Seeing both you and Luxeria talk about what marks (one of) the last steps in the medical part of your transition is reassuring and has produced a lot of helpful thought strings that, I believe, will help me navigate my own journey. Thank you for this, and I can't wait to see where you go from here.
The "what was wrong with me?" brought me to tears, this is such a powerful video. I'm so glad UA-cam recommended me this, I hope more and more people get to learn from your experience. You are beautiful, strong and wonderful ❤️
I absolutely did not expect to get so emotional watching this. I adore you Jessie. You were beautiful before and you are now. I hope this brings you the joy you hoped it would.
I know Jessie’s pre-op points are wrong, but her bitchy side eyes are killing me 😂 seeing someone as sweet as you acting sassy is sending me! I’m so happy for you girl 💚
@@sycastells1212 no you’re right! I wrote this comment when I was about halfway through and Post-Op Jessie was on the defensive. I completely agree with you though, the entire process is valid so they’re both correct! 🥰
As a young trans person who has yet to get their first surgery and is only on the beginning of my transition, this video was so helpful to me. It made me tear up especially thinking about the me that I am right now, versus the me that I will be in years to come. I have this ongoing fluctuation with my relationship with transness. The issues I have are that I don't feel that I was assigned the right body, which is different for me from my gender identity. I don't identify with any particular gender, I just feel like I'm some kind of genderless entity who says "fuck it" to all labels. But I want to change my body, I don't feel comfortable in this body and I want to change it, because this simply doesn't feel like me. But I often feel that in the future, when I have fully transitioned, I do not want people to know that I wasn't born this way. The idea of that makes me very uncomfortable. Which is strange, because I haven't even gotten to that point yet. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that seeing you at this point in your life gives me hope, that one day I'll look at myself in the mirror and finally see myself. That one day I'll look back on the old me and simply think "That was me, but I wasn't happy that way, and I chose to become the person I am today, because it's how I feel inside." However this video does make me sad. It makes me sad at the hurtful truths of how trans people are treated, specifically in medical settings. I had to get a note from my therapist to start HRT, I am constantly being treated as if my transness is a side effect of my mental illness, and not a partial cause of it. As if trans people aren't struggling with depression, anxiety, and trauma because of our transness and the way we are treated in society. And then there's also this expectation that you have to be suffering as a trans person to transition, that you have to get a note from your therapist that this transition will make your mental health better, and that if that isn't the case then you shouldn't transition. There's this implication that there has to be something wrong with us for us to want to transition. When transitioning is simply what we want to do. And having to justify a reason for us wanting to transition, is denial of bodily autonomy and straight up transphobia.
I met an agender person who was extremely androgynous and had no desire for people to know what they were assigned at birth. As a baby trans back then, I was kinda in love with admiration and seeing what 'could be' for me. Although I won't change my form, as I like most of it, I wish I could look androgynous enough for people to not presume a gender and just take what I say. That person aced it by some luck, and I hope you get what you desire too. It's definitely possible.
This video made me cry. Such a beautiful ode to loving our past selves and embracing our future selves. Thanks for staying true to you and speaking so eloquently. I’m happy for you and glad you’re happy!!
First, as a cis woman I have absolutely experienced gender euphoria. There's something about striking the right chord that fits your personality all the way down that I think is something really similar to acts of gender affirmation for trans people. I actually got my nose pierced the other day which was the last incident. SO PROUD OF YOU, SO HAPPY, SUCH HARMONY. Second, I found the before and after segment to be really touching as a fat person. I absolutely loathe weight loss celebration before and after pictures because it feels like passing judgement on the person you were before. It's so nice to see you and other trans people reclaim transformation photos as just marking of changes and choices. It was pretty Jessie the lovely woman before and after, just a little different.
I wasn’t expecting to cry because I have 0 plans for medical transition. But I did change my name. And now I’m crying a lot. We’re SUPPOSED to change, omg Jessie you nailed it.
Jessie you are magical. How did you make a video that is so sincere, funny, informative, poignant, brave, moving, beautifully uncomfortable at moments, thought provoking, and entertaining... all at the same time? Thank you, and wishing you a speedy recovery and endless moments of euphoria.
UA-camrs have a special relationship with themselves in the editing room that doesn’t require removing an eye. Thank you for your thorough kindness to yourself on every new side of your journey. I hope you are flooded with peace and love and strength to continue shining in these changing and troubling times, beautiful friend. ❤️
Have just watched this on Nebula... I'm not crying, you're crying... 😭 Jessie, as a cis neurokin, I cannot express enough how beautiful of a soul you are, what a brave video format this was, and how effective it was. I hope as you continue to heal that you feel more & more harmony in yourself. Thank you for being so vulnerable with us all. 💖
Bodily autonomy is truly the most essentially human thing. Really appreciated your perspective on change, and choice, and the idea of performance. Like you said, these concepts may be more overtly obvious with the trans experience, but they are ultimately all human experiences as well. Congratulations on your surgery and thank you for your thoughtful video!
Well that was unexpected tearing up as a 49 year old white cis het male whose lived experience is very different to the themes here exemplified by a favourite quote from a favourite medical professional. And yet perhaps not so much. There are UA-camrs I re- watch more, for certain, but none whose words and opinions have stuck with me as much you.
Darn is Jessie you finally did it. You made me cry. It's strange to cry now, well to let myself express any emotion when I find myself so moved by your work. A mere five years ago it would've given me away to my mother, so I never expressed any emotion about my sexuality, my gender, even my identity. I guess what I'm trying to say is I love your work. I love the way it makes me feel, the happy and the sad, because I wasn't allowed to feel anything before. I'm really glad I found your channel 💜
“weird ethereal space that all trans people have the power to teleport to” hahaha I love how you always manage to be both funny and serious and educational all in one video. And anyway congratulations on your surgery! 🥰
LOL at pre-surgery Jessie roasting post-surgery Jessie. Seriously though, great work. Making physical the mental processes you've gone through, or the questions you're asked by others, or yourself.
Oh my god! Jessie! I am so happy for you!! I am a cis woman who has always suffered body dysmorphia, so it’s not the same thing and I faced much less stigma and internal turmoil growing up in my own body, but I want to say a small part of me relate to everything you felt, and I am so so so so fucking happy for you.
I had to stop the video for a moment to cry at "What was wrong with me?" I do not even know where to begin to express how important and how impactful this video was. Thank you!
This video made me break down crying and come to some realisations of my own identity as both a disabled and nonbinary person. You are so wonderful, Jessie; who you were, who you are, and who you will become 🌈💜
As a pre-transition trans, the 'so you're saying I am some sort of disorder?' line- from pre-surgery Jessie really hits. I don't know how I feel about it yet, but I'm definitely feeling things. Oh alexithymia, ever so helpful. But so dysphoria IS a disorder though. It has a strong negative impact on my ability to live a healthy functioning life, which makes it a disorder. But is current me therefore a disorder? Or should I not be thinking of current appearance as 'wrong' 'not good enough' 'disorder'? Is that self-sabotage? Am I doing myself a disservice to dislike what I look like right now (despite there being nothing objectively wrong with how I look)? Should I be appreciating these flesh blobs on my chest that I'm trying so hard to get rid of, because they're (hopefully) not going to be there forever? But what if I have no positive memories of them, like at all? Is it okay to diss current me and say that I really just don't f*ckin like it and I'm not going to miss it? I dunno if you were expecting answers when you got to the end of this comment, but I don't have any so uhh bye lol.
The editing. The pacing. The discussion. I hope this video gets the attention and has the impact it deserves given how all your mastery of media to this point comes together in it. I hope we can someday describe this UA-cam video as award-winning, because it already is in my heart. Bravo once again!
Jessie I am internally screaming and struggling not to lose it and start bawling. This was so raw, honest, and beautiful - something you always were, but I'm sure nothing compares to the elation now that you feel more like the real you! It's okay to lean into beauty standards if it makes you happy, confident, more harmonized etc when you do so, and it's okay to be critical of your own participation in it too, if that's how you feel about it! But in NO WAY do you owe a single person an apology for it. For anything you've done. You have made me a happier, more empathetic, better educated person with your passionate videos and you deserve to extend that love and empathy to yourself 1000 fold. I'm glad to get to meet you, WELCOME Jesse 2.0 2022, baybee!
I honestly wasn't expecting this to hit me as hard as it did, as someone who can't even look at my reflection in my phone screen. I'm so glad you're happy with the results and your transition as a whole now that you're basically done. You deserve your hard-earned happiness!
As a young trans woman I'm very proud of your braveness to make this video jessie.i see my trans-ness as a journey both the social and these days the medical side of my transition I'm 8 months on hrt and I've never felt better and I experience alot more euphoria but I still have facial and bottom dsyphoria, so even though I pass somewhat those things still cause me to feel dsyphoric and I find myself terrified of being clocked and sometimes I catch myself loosing my pitch so sometimes my voice outs me. And I'm one of those Tgirls who is open about my transition but mostly only to people who I trust like friends and family and doctors plus partners are the only people allowed to know that fact about my life but when I'm out and about I want things to stay hush,hush but sometimes the people who still don't understand my choice out me.. so it makes it hard, especially when the problem makers are immediately family but hopefully one day they'll stop outing me in public. They're is a huge part of me that wants the former images of my self to be remembered while there's another part that wishes my past could be erased MIB style but something I've come to realize over the course my journey so far is those past images forged the trans woman I am today and I love them for just that and I look forward to seeing my future self in the future of my journey in the mirror.
As a middle aged, middle class, straight, white, man, who lives in a very conservative state (Utah), I'm glad you made this video. I found it to be a very honest, and telling look into the experience of something that I will never come close to experiencing. Best wishes to you! PS I also liked your What is a Woman? video
You look terrific Jessie! "Harmonization" is the perfect term for your surgery. It makes perfect sense to me. About 25 years ago I had facial reconstruction surgery due to a dental issue, so I relate to shaving down bones, post-surgery pain, etc. For the next month I looked like I had a softball in my cheek.
When you spoke about cis people feeling gender euphoria, it reminded me of a moment in my life. I left an abusive relationship after over 6 years. During that time, my wardrobe was controlled by my abusive partner. I've always enjoyed gothic style clothing, but I didn't wear it during those 6 years. I bought a long flowing black Gothic gown with dramatic sleeves, and when I put it on, I started sobbing. I was so overcome by how much I felt like ME. As a cis woman, I can't understand the trans experience. But if transitioning can help someone to feel an ounce of what I felt in that dress, I think it's worth supporting them.
🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
Fuck, that's a powerful story. I wonder, if we could watch every little spark in the brain, would it look like I felt when I saw myself in the mirror with a binder on for the first time and thought I looked like a short teenage boy?
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Yesss, I’m a cis woman but gender non-conforming and I get a lot of these moments of gender euphoria when I dress the way I want to dress, even if society thinks it’s not “feminine enough” for s woman.
Some people see transness as painting over an already existing painting. But,as a trans person myself, transitioning( medical or social) feels like carving from marble to find the person you already are.
Congratulations on your surgery Jessie, you look beautiful!
I think too many cis people see trans people as two different people. Like someone they expected died and was replaced, but it's really the expectations that died. The person remains.
that is beautifully said
I always saw it as slow-motion TF haha. What takes days or weeks in those fics takes months and years. And indeed another commonality is that often some parts are quite painful but then they end up liking the aftermath so much that it was all worth it.
Edit: uh, they as in the characters in the story, not othering trans people, I am trans myself)
Michelangelo said that the statues already existed in the block of marble, he just revealed them
What a beautiful way to see this process.
This might be my ADHD talking, but I find it super impressive that you were able to script and plan this video in a way that you could record yourself before and after the surgery in order to convey the desired effect. That is insane!! I love it!
Some great script writing
Honestly I would've forever been not sure I got it right and it would've never happened
I was thinking exactly the same and came here to see if someone else pointed that out and turns out the person who does it has ADHD and even though not even once before I thought ADHD had anything to do with feeling impressed by her ability to plan that far ahead, now I cannot not see it... because I also have ADHD... so... yeah 😅
This was super brave Jessie, proud of you and congratulations!
Thank you so much FD ❤️❤️❤️
I always love seeing the Fiq/Jesse/FMIAFL crossover in the wild 😭
Lol virtue signaling for that trans bussy
@@JessieGender1 why did you not mention dysphoria even once ?
You've always been beautiful Jessie but I'm glad your exterior feels like a better match to your interior. This is such an emotionally raw and wonderful video. You look beautiful.
I couldn't agree more! (: !!!!! 💜
I was about to comment this sentiment and you said it so much.
YESSSS! I was also going to say the same thing. You truly are a beautiful person ❤️ This whole process seems like it would be intimidating and scary (and exciting) - the strength and bravery you’ve exhibited is inspiring. Sending love and hugs ❤️❤️
Awww, what a lovely comment! ♥️
i think he looked better and more feminine before
When I was a kid getting braces, my orthondist said my facial structure/jaw needed surgery. So my parents heeded them and for years we made periodic visits to an orthopedic surgeon in Seattle. They decided to go through it super young (I was 14) so that it would heal better and because my face was such a perfect example they took extra 3d images so that they could use it in training materials. They broke my jaw in two places to lengthen it so that hypothetically when I grew older my jaw joint wouldn't wear out as it stretched forward. It was considered medically necessary and I don't remember having a say in it. However, my face changed drastically as a result, and I can still feel the screws in my jaw if I press my fingers in certain places.
Then my dad got the bill. Part of the surgery had been denied by my insurance as not medically necessary. Remember how I said the Orthopedice surgeon was using my face for all those pictures and training? He decided at some point that I needed a more defined chin to make the pictures/transformation look better. My parents certainly didn't ask for that and I most definitely didn't, but they must have signed off on it among the mountains of paperwork.
Now I have that permanent facial feature that doesn't match my heritage and I didn't ask for. It gives me a wierd perspective watching your discussion about your elective surgery.
It's much better that you got to choose.
This is fucked on so many level.
that's messed up that they did that. Very unethical.
That's horrible. I'm sorry you were violated that way. What a horrible orthodontist.
That's so messed up. I had a somewhat similar experience when I got my braces off. The doctor had been filing all the glue off my teeth and told me he was gonna file my front teeth, I said ok. Well, it turns out what he meant was he was gonna file the bottom of my front teeth to be perfectly even and square. It completely changed my smile, and I never would have said yes if I knew that's what he was gonna do. I think the little imperfections in people's smiles are so beautiful, but now mine doesn't have any and it hasn't felt like my smile since. It's stupid, it's such a little thing no one would ever notice, but it really bothers me.
My wife is trans, and we have a friend who moved to Peru to teach. On a visit back, she said “I don’t know if you’ll understand this, but major life transitions are really hard.” My wife and I cracked up, and after a minute so, so did she. Glad that your transition is going so well.
So, as a Cis-Gendered Male, I don't always have as clear an insight on those that are transgendered. I've alway been of the opinion that "You do you Boo" in that you need to find your own happiness and truth. I began watching you from your Star Trek content, happy to find that there was someone that is as big a fan of Trek as me. I didn't initially cotton to the fact that you were Trans at all. It wasn't until I watched more of your vids that I realized it. Even then, you were so positive and effusive that I couldn't help but be endeared to you. I've been watching your journey for quite some time now and can't help but feel happy for you. This face reveal is something that I have been anticipating since you talked about it last year. I was broken hearted for you, when it was delayed and then jumped for joy and fist pumped when you were informed that it was happening sooner than later.
This video moved me so much. It shows that this kind of thing is complicated in many ways, but was also necessary for you to be the complete you. I thank you for letting us be a part of it. Oh, and the quote from The Doctor just broke me. Hitting on so many levels. Be well and be happy, my dear.
@@robokill387 ^true. aside from that this comment is very sweet :)
this is such a sweet and wonderful comment to see an ally make
Wholesomeness alert :)
@QueerAssTiefling Thank you for mentioning your experience on nomenclature here. I've been talking to a variety of people who are allies, and a number of them have felt very "sunburned" (to use a phrase) because our community feels the need to INSTANTLY correct even the slightest possible variance from what a listener's stance may be on labels/pronouns/topics and such, without taking into account the type of interaction, allowing for some space and grace to someone who isn't intentionally causing harm, WHILE also positively educating them.
Yes, I get that people get tired/are tired/beyond tired of justifying, qualifying, defending themselves, whether it be pronouns, gender expression, names and so on. More than ever though, we need to not let the perfect be the enemy of the good - get people on board, help them learn, and encourage them to teach others so there are more of us overall to stand against the haters, not less.
@@Corbomite_Meatballs So much this! I have seen so many people dance around language because they WANT to be respectful but ultimately have been burned by having accidentally stepped on a minefield in their attempts to be an ally. It’s okay to educate (if you wish, it’s no one’s job to do so). But it annoys me when people don’t take context into consideration.
Also, I think the generational gap must remain a part of the conversation. There are LGBTQ+ people who are Gen X or even Boomers who didn’t have the diversity of language available now. And they may not be bothered by the same terms that are considered outdated by Gen Z or Millenials, likely due to negative context via history. But the feelings on certain terms may just vary generationally and may even vary regionally. Language is just a thing humans use to define things for understanding. It is made up sounds we put together to communicate with one another. And it is, in more cases then not, clear when words are assembled together to be angry and insulting vs. sympathetic and understanding.
As a former philosophy major, SciFi/Fantasy geek, and cis-het dad to a trans/nonbinary kid, all I can say is...Beautifully done. ❤ What a wonderful job thinking, feeling, scripting, editing, explaining, and -- as always --- courageously sharing.
P.S. - I'm not crying, you're crying! 😭
(OK, I'm also just a big ol' softie....☺)
Utterly brilliant. I'm an intersex, gay, man - activist, educator and just got back from an Intersex Conference and saw this. Every intersex person was and still is transitioned, against our will, without our knowledge, without choice, without self agency from Intersex to a binary that doesn't even exist by denying that we do exist. Those born neither male nor female and kinda both aren't even rare, let alone non-existent. It was wonderful to hear you say that being able to choose what is done to our bodies IS the whole point! That is the intersex people's mantra too, and we still make precious little advancement against "normalizing" surgeries that rob fertility from those who have it, destroy continence over the life span, and create numb or even painful genitals that NEVER orgasm so that we cannot know intimacy or love making. Some of us were force-assigned genders our bodies could never accommodate - like partial androgen insensitivity people who were forced to live as if they were boys/men although their genitals were closer to female and their bodies incapable of developing any secondary male sex characteristics at all. We have suffered the opposite of our trans suthers and bristers. While they so often are denied access to what they need to be whole - what we needed to be whole was denied and often violently stolen from us all in the name of "normal, natural, and some god's will." This happened at the same time and often by the same quacks selling "normal" and delivering sexual disability back in the 60's-00's. I was spared forced gender assignment AND forced surgeries because I was born just before it all started and my parents would never have agreed. My house mate is intersex AND trans. Originally called female aat birth she was then called male, and after 17 failed childhood surgeries that were supposed to make her "really" male, (she was/is neither- like almost all of us, Intersex IS our sex...), none were done for a medical reason - but instead to correct the first failed one! Her genitals were lost forever in emergency surgery as scar tissue finally obstructed her urethra forever. She was lucky enough to have the best urogenital/MtF surgeon in the country at the time but no one survives such ordeals with sensation left. She had no real choice in any of her surgeries. She finally took control of her identity - stopped the continuous performance of boy/man and just let herself be and become the person she felt she is. Unfortunately - it has been miserably difficult to know what that even is. If you've ever seen "Shaw Shank Redemption" you'll know what I mean when I say she had become "institutionalized." Spend 50 years onstage, finally get the chance to go home and you won't know where it is. I am so lucky I escaped all that, but there is so much I didn't escape... Thank you for doing this tour de force video between your past and present selves. What a clever way to accomplish it- and you rocked it. There are so many intersex people out here whom this will speak volumes to because we have been through such similar things as you describe here as a transwoman. There is indeed, a massive overlap - shared experiences and more between the Intersex and Trans because there are so many who own real estate on both planets and because our persecutions sound so similar.
I wish knowledge of intersex issues was more mainstream. Especially since it still seems worryingly common for parents and doctors to make life-long decisions for their infant children (whether it's surgically altering them trying to shoehorn them into a gender that doesn't fit).
For me, learning that being intersex was a thing just made so much sense. They try to tell us that there are two boxes everyone fits neatly into but that isn't true on any level. Gender, genitals, chromosomes: none of it is binary.
And, I mean, why can't we just let people have the genitals they have? And be the people they are?
Hey, thanks for commenting. I hear about intersex people from time to time in the various political arguments people I watch have with TERFs and all kinds of bad faith actors who are just OBSESSED with what other people are allowed to do with what's in their pants but I am pretty sure this is the first comment I've ever actually read by someone like you. I really appreciate the insight. Thank you and keep up the good work out there!
This comment is a beautiful essay unto itself!
I don't get it why someone should have the choice about who you gonna be if you haven't even developed asa human being yet. Sadly once Transpeople were as accepted as gay people intersex people would have gotten their right to exist as well but with how things are currently going even gay rights are in danger now
While my experience as a trans man is wildly different than someone born intersex, that is how I currently view my sex. My gender is male, but my sex has changed from female to intersex as a result if medical transitioning.
I hope that isn't offensive. It's just how I view myself. And I am intersex by choice, as opposed to by birth. I didn't choose my gender, but I did choose to alter my body and with it my biological designation.
As you said, trans people and intersex people share many experiences, we just are coming at them from different directions.
None of us, when we were children, got upset with Pinocchio for wanting to be a "real boy", although nothing about who he was changed when he got his wish except the outside. Why then would we be upset with people deciding that there are certain things that they need to do to look on the outside the way they always felt on the inside? Another marvelous video!
@@AdanSolas What effects?
@@AdanSolas Time to get a gender affirming hair transplant for this malding.
@@AdanSolas "People disagree with me, which means they must have been *influenced*," is a wild take, my friend.
@@AdanSolas the agenda of acceptance?
@@nata5212 What effects? R u serious? 🤦
The whole time I wanted to "tell Jessie to stop being mean to Jessie" and at the same time understanding both sides and the deeper meaning in the entirety of the discussion, as the video progresses.
Thank you for being this trusting vulnerable in front of us Jessie, we appreciate and love you a lot.
I'm sure this will be lost in the sea of comments. But as a trans woman in the early stages of her transition, this video has been so many different feelings. I don't think I've ever seen a better video to articulate the complicated feelings... I don't even have words for it really... All I can say is thank you. Thank you soo much.
This makes me glad this video is out.
Wishing you everything good. Everything.
It wasn't lost.
It may not seem like much, coming from a stranger in UA-cam comment section, but I wanted to let you know that you're a beautiful and valid woman. 🤗
Anybody who says otherwise can go screw themselves. With a cactus. Sideways. 😜
@@JessieGender1 not me getting emotional over being seen by someone who's given me the language to explain things I ran from most my life. T.T
I see your vulnerability in sharing this and I honor it. You look beautiful Jessie.
This ❤
Gotta say, it was rough seein' Jess beat up on herself for a while there.
I grew up in a heavily Christian household, obviously based on my name. While trans people were not a constant point of conversation, I've grown up as a transphobic person and while I have no hate for trans individuals, I get this literal uneasy feeling in my stomach. It still happens a little, unfortunately. Those gut reactions are hard to immediately ignore, but I've always known that its important what I do with those gut feelings of uneasiness that I get. I have to recognize my feelings, that they come from a terrible place of fear and not love. This video is fantastic. The conversation you recorded with yourself felt real. It was so well done and I'll probably continuesly come back to this video to rewatch. While I'll always be a Christian I know that my religion has no room for dehumanizing anyone and I'll continue to do what little I can to combat and address transphobia in other christians. Thank you for making this video even though you were worried about how your recovery looked while editing this video. I am excited to see your growth and recovery in the future. I've never seen your videos before but I'm certainly going to subscribe now and keep watching.
Based
it really makes me happy to see people change for the better like this, especially when the majority of cis people i know would never go to these lengths. i shouldnt have to thank you for wanting to grow as a person and be better, but i really have to say i appreciate it, because its way too rare. let all continue learning together :)
If it is gut, as oppposed to the limbic system there maybe some concerns and by the rest of the collective's concerns of substandard practices, at this point, and if only more medical things were done with the best, not flimsy colonial capitalist materials, for technology and oversight that actually cares for the patience and are not n*zi, potentially? It depends on the person and as a transperson who can't tan, but melanate fast with sunspots, and is white passing, but on paper, we also do not trust potentially capitalist and/or colonially biased "medical system" and would rather transform as we would also want our changes to always be temporary and not fixed and if not also furthering dysphoria an/or dysmorphia in us and others, even telepathically, in our collective social memory complex, too?
I don't think I've ever gotten this intimate of an insight into this process. Thanks for being so transparent! You had swag before, you have swag now, congrats on everything.
I don’t think she’s ever mentioned having kids she needs to *parent*
Oh damn it's Cuestar! Hello there!
Oh dang, hey man!
As a mother, I can love Jessie no matter what she looks like because no matter what "my child" does, my mother gene kicks in and doesn't allow me to hate. This also happens to me as an educator and I keep forgiving my bad a$$ kids for committing an infraction because not to do so makes teaching difficult and doesn't build bridges!
So cool to see you here Cue! I love your videos, I watch them(and rewatch many) a lot while cleaning and doing art!
This was so touching. As a cis woman, this was a really great and vulnerable look at why someone might choose to get affirming surgeries or procedures like this. Congrats to you! You look, and looked, beautiful!
‘What was wrong with me?’ That made me cry. You’re a beautiful person and you deserve every happiness. I love your content and I enjoyed what you did here, technically difficult and incredibly vulnerable. Thank you.
I have admit, as a disabled cis person, I can relate to the invasive questions people ask about bodies. It gets to the point I sometimes want to scream that my medical history is none of your business. You don't need to know the how and the why I'm disabled you just need to respect me. Strangers (adults) ask all the time and I get tired. If you're asking questions about a disabled person's body merely to satisfy curiosity and not to improve access/quality of life for that person you don't need to ask. I've met several trans people over the years and I've always thought asking questions about surgeries would be rude for that reason. It's the reason I hesitated to click on this video at first, but I really wanted to show my support.
I am trans and disabled. But interestingly I get more questions from strangers about my wheelchair than about being trans.
I've definitely noticed parallels in the invasive explanations that people demand from disabled and trans people. In both cases the asker feels an entitlement to a "satisfactory" level of detail to make this "foreign" experience understandable to them. Yet often at the same time they're looking for how to dismiss any request for real needs as unnecessary, whether it's physical accessibility of spaces, correct demarcations on the paperwork, or addressing the person in front of them respectfully (as opposed to talking to an assistant/companion or addressing directly+disrespectfully).
Im not even physically disabled, but before i got diagnosed with thoracic outlet syndrome, my MD thought i had carpal tunnel, i do hair so i would where a brace all the time. Literally ppl who knew me for .5 seconds would as what happened to my hand. I got so damn frustrated with it i DID start telling people its not their business. No one should have to explain their medical situations to anyone and its extremely weird ppl do it like its acceptable
I'm Transgender Disabled Neurodivergent Non-binary and Lesbian, all 5 things have their own issues!
VERY understandable. Nobody wants to review their entire medical history on a daily basis.
So I’m a trans guy pre doing any gender affirming surgeries. I remember when I cut my hair short for the first time I automatically started to despise the version of me with long hair. At the time I didn’t know I was trans or why there was such a distinct difference in my mind of me with short and long hair. I have only now started not to hate the version of me with long hair because that version of me was just trying their best with what they had at the time. I don’t know if this makes a lot of sense to anymore other than me.
It makes total sense to me. I used to hate photos and videos of my pre-transition self, but now I look back on them with love and gratitude. "They were trying their best with what they had at the time" is exactly right. I'm thankful for them, but I'm even more thankful that I never have to be them ever again. They feel like a misguided younger sibling sometimes.
Honestly this comment just made me tear up a little because as a non binary person when I finally got my haircut to what I truly wanted (along with dressing in clothes I was comfortable in and not because I thought it's what I should be wearing) made me hate looking back at old pictures of myself. In the past I used to not take pictures of myself that much because of how insecure I felt and how much I hated the way I looked. I finally started changing how I felt about my past self. Now I feel a bit more empathetic and think "Aw, they were doing the best they could then". I may not be a trans guy, but what you're describing makes sense even if I don't feel it the exact same way you do.
It doesn't make sense. More people need to tell you that more often. You need to get a grip.
Same with me and long hair. Though I'm not on the binary.
I think this is a normal part of the growing up experience. Finding yourself and finding what makes you, YOU! 💕 I’m 30 now, I am a butch woman and the first time I fully shaved my head down I hated the version of me that always had long hair before I had the choice. I dress how I want and don’t take crap from anyone. I grew up convinced I wanted to be a boy, as I grew I learned to accept myself as I am. I am so amazingly happy to be myself and explore every single wacky wonderful aspect of how I want to express myself to the world. Much love on your own journeys
After your reflections with "former" Jessie, when you signed off and said, "Love who you are - and who you were" - I teared up. Because some days my whole life feels like a mistake. But if I can love that person I was, it helps me love the person I am and will be.
Thank you dear Jessie! You are a light in this world, never forget it.
I'm a transmasculine nonbinary teen, and though I'll never quite feel what you do/did, I want to thank you so much for making this. Sometimes the notion of top surgery and its healing process scares me, and I wonder if it's even worth it when I'm more comfortable with my breasts now. You put that feeling, that need, into words. I started crying at "what's wrong with ME?" and didn't stop for the rest of the video, but it wasn't sad tears. You've helped me understand and learn so much, with this video and so many others. I'm so happy that you're able to feel more like yourself now and wish you luck in the next stage of your life.
This!! Im an almost-30 nb transmasc also constantly waffling about top surgery (and that line also made me cry for the rest of the video lol). It makes me so happy to hear younger people having the language and opportunity to explore and make decisions about their gender expression in a way I wasn’t able to until my 20s. Never stop changing, and good luck on your journey!
@@holyfreakinBLEACH Thank you and I wish you luck on your own!
My personal experience since i was alot like you in my teens. This is just my opinion and i dont want to make you feel like im telling you what to do! I think its worth waiting till your 18 at least. I thought i was trans around 14-16 and i grew out of the discomfort and confusion. I later realized i was undiagnosed autistic and it has a serious effect on lots of AFAB ppl throughout puberty. I later realized i had no affinity to for either gender and just ran with nonbinary. I was extremely glad i didn't change my body because it couldve genuinely caused my disphoria. I just grew into myself. This is not everyones experience but it was mine. I hope you find your answers!
@@twinkiesnails8857 Thank you for your advice! I'm already considering that I'm probably autistic, and I doubt I'd be able to get top surgery until I'm at least 18 anyway lol. I know how gender and sexuality can shift though, so I'm never ruling anything out!
@@kriscuit recognizing i was autistic opened my eyes. Its extremely common for afab ppl on the spectrum to seriously struggle with gender conformity, so much so it classifies as a diagnostic criteria for "atypical presentation" i also learned, even though to the world i am femme, i were dresses and like makeup. It doesn't change the fact i dont feel like a woman or man, i honestly chock it up that i feel that way BECAUSE of my autism. And its no ones business how you, inside, feel about your gender. You dont have to explain your view of yourself to others, it took me SO long to learn i dont have to fit into whatever OTHERS ideas of what NB means. I really liked Tony ATWOOD when i was discovering my nuerodivergence. I was already diagnosed with ADHD. And his break down of AFAB autistics made me realize all the things i struggled with that my other ADHD friends didn't, had a name. It felt like i was really able to accept, understand, and be comfortable in my skin.
I really rambled so im sorry lol i hope this was helpful even if it was just waffling
Totally did not burst into tears at “What was wrong with me?” 😭😭
Congratulations on your surgery, thank you for this video 🖤🖤
Ps. The filming/editing/‘acting’ required of this video was fucking impressive
Jessie from the past saying "being compared to John Travolta kinda hurts" felt so true to my core. I am trans. I understand everyone's feelings about their bodies are intimate, but it still hurts. Our bodies are beautiful, I already thought you were beautiful. Can we feel beautiful and still want to change ourselves, and not hurt ourselves in the process?
Your dialogue was beautiful. There is something I'd like to say to pre-FHS Jessie. You'll always be around. You're on the internet, and that makes you *forever!* Thank you Jessie, for sharing your thoughts, your complicated feelings, and yourself with us (me). Many happy returns.
I am so happy for Jessie. And I'm glad she went with this reveal, it's very strong and beautiful
We don't look like what we looked like when we were babies, or when we were 5, or 10. Our faces change as we grow. You're just growing. And you're still growing. In 10 years, 20, 30, your face will be different. And you could have this conversation again each time. It's good to always love yourself. You have been a huge help to me, and my NB kid. Thanks, from this transparent
You put it into such beautiful words!
Also, as an adult Nonbinary person, thanks for being accepting of your kiddo ❤
@@shepherdbrooks7609 I love my kid to bits and pieces! I will always accept them for who they are (helps tremendously that they are a kind, loving, sweet, funny individual and I truly just *like* them).
@@shepherdbrooks7609 hope you either have or soon find you loving and accepting family!
@@kateluvya
My family is accepting of me thankfully, thank you ❤
Sweetie. I'm an XX girly girl. My mother started body shaming me at around 9 years old. Now I'm 63, and she's still doing it. She's not malicious, but it's just a kind of conditioning, I guess. Part of you're identity is having the perfect body. I'm truly happy for you to have the body and face that you want. I spent many years on that quest, through diet and exercise, with variable results. ❤
Though, your mother had no choice?
@@kalig.4982 Of course she had a choice. I do believe in free will. But I was growing up in the era of the Playtex girdle, which advertised giving you a flat stomach, and the Cross Your Heart bra, that "lifts and separates"! Yeah, no cleavage for you, girl. Fun fact, I'm the same age as Barbie, and that was the ideal. My mom believed sincerely that it was in my best interest. She actually bought me a girdle when I was 13. I was 5'6", 130 lb. I wore it, ONCE. :(
I'm 99% sure that I had FFS with the same surgeon as you, but I had mine a few months earlier. I scheduled my consultation over a year before the actual surgery date (insane waitlist). I was terrified that my surgery was going to get cancelled because of rising covid cases, but my date landed in a trough. The department that handled prior authorization there left a lot to be desired, and consequently I didn't have coverage determined up until 1 week before my surgery, which is pretty nuts, since they had 1 year to figure it out. And even then, I only got everything handled because I Karen'd out and my insurance rep pulled out some miracles.
Like you, I felt like my life was on hold the entire time, and I was terrified of losing my insurance and having to hit the reset button yet again, after already waiting several decades. When you have such long waiting periods, but no guarantee of insurance, and you're a minority, and you're in the middle of a pandemic or recession, the odds of losing coverage are high.
My face was pretty puffy for about two months, and I am still seeing improvements in my appearance. I was surprised about the mental work I had to do after surgery. It caught me off-guard. I am still getting used to my face and figuring out what to do with myself now that this is probably my final pokemon evolution.
Thanks for making this video.
There is nothing in this world more brave than radically and authentically loving yourself in the face of fear.
As a nonbinary person, it's people like you who have helped me better understand my own gender identity, thank you so much for sharing your journey
We should all learn to love ourselves and each other radically and authentically. Preferably in one fluent eternal motion. I hope your life will settle on a place of contentment as a basis for happiness, joy and balance and love. You deserve it.
I'm so impressed at how much planning must have gone in this project, the foresight and writing, I'm just amazed. You look great Jessie, happy to see you happy!
I was gonna make this exact same comment!
I apologize if this isn’t the right place to talk about this, but I feel like I need to.
As a cis woman, I resonated deeply with this video, quite literally to the point of tears, and I want to talk about the idea for gender affirmation for cis people. I do not say this to take away from trans people or say it is the same experience. It is an entirely different experience, though in the same realm, but one I can’t find anyone talking about, and I need to. And as a note before I jump in, I know this isn’t body dysmorphia because I also live with that, and it’s a different thing altogether for me.
As mentioned, I am a cis woman, 23, but I have a body that can very easily appear boyish, primarily due to the fact that I have no boobs. Well, I have *some*, but it’s too small to fill even an A cup bra with. Unless I am wearing something that accentuates my waist, I feel like a boy, and I hate it. If I wear pants or shorts or a non-fitted T-shirt, I feel like a boy, and I hate it. My body does not match my perception of how I envision myself even though I was born into the “right” sex. Sure, having the right wardrobe will fix most of my issues, but I still notice it in other ways. The way that I can’t fill out many tops or dresses because they were designed for someone with boobs. The way my silhouette is flatter in the mirror than I feel like I should be. The way I can’t even wear padding to help because there’s not much to even push into place. Sometimes, I have the right outfit, and I feel like the top of the world. But oftentimes, it’s not right. My body’s not right. I’m. Not. Right.
To add to everything, I have a conventionally attractive body. I’ve had many, many people, regardless of gender, tell me how amazing I look. Many women have told me they wish they had my body because I have a small waist and decent hips and big boobs are a nuisance. And I do feel attractive, somewhat. I do appreciate the body I have. But I wish there was more. I want to feel like my gender. I want my body to match my perception of my gender. And that feels so strange to say as a cis woman, because cis people aren’t supposed to experience that. They’re supposed to already be their gender. It’s frustrating that I don’t feel like my body is the right gender even though my sex is.
Part of what hit me so hard with this video was the previous body asking what was wrong with it, and the explanation of how it’s not a bad body, just not the right one. I love my body. I do, mostly. Ignoring my disabilities cause yay. It is a good body. It’s pretty. It’s fun. It’s just not mine. If I was given the opportunity, I think I would choose to get a breast augmentation done. Yes, it comes with it’s own issues, but it would make me closer to who I see myself as. Just as a trans person might get surgery to affirm their gender, I think I’d like to too. But I worry. I want to address these feelings as they are, but I don’t want to take words and meanings from trans people when they mean so much to them. I’m not trying to push myself into spaces I don’t belong. I just want to describe what I deal with, and I worry about how to do that. Is it wrong for a cis person to use terms like gender dysphoria to explain experiences like mine, where the body doesn’t match the gender even though the sex does? Would it be wrong for me to say my breast augmentation surgery, if I do get it, is gender affirmation surgery? Like I said, I don’t know if this is the right place to talk about this, but the depth of this video and how it resonated with me made me want to get it out, more than anything in the world. Gender is weird and confusing, and so very, very frustrating.
I'm really glad you brought this up. This is something I really relate to, but never have the right language to discuss it (or people to discuss it with). As I've started to lose weight, my breasts are disappearing to their previous non-existence, and it feels so wrong. I have a condition that has also caused my hair to recede a little, grow facial and more body hair, and my face and lips to kind of thin out. Sometimes I feel like a non-human blob. I respect my body for it's functionality, and what it can do, but it feels so alien sometimes. I look in the mirror sometimes, and have to immediately look away because it feels, like an existential horror. It's not that I see something disgusting, it's fine, it's just that it's like looking at someone else, and the dissonance hurts my psyche. It's hard to explain.
I brought up the idea of breast augmentation, and some facial feminisation (minimising the forehead, fillers in the lips and below the eyes), and my husband is really against it. He says he loves me as I am, and it's hard to explain, that I do love me, but I also don't feel I am me.
Hi I’m nonbinary. The way I see it, the words fit. They may typically be used in the trans experience, but that doesn’t mean cis people can’t experience those things too. I’m sorry that you experience gender dysphoria. It’s not a feeling I would wish on anyone. But there is this strange comfort (not sure if that would be the right word?) that a cis person understands the “this is a nice body, but it doesn’t feel like me” feeling. A lot of cis people try to brush it off and say to “love your body how it is,” but they fail to understand that it’s not that simple. They don’t understand the confusion and pain
I wish you well in your journey to gender affirmation. There might be people who try to tell you you’re wrong, but they have no say in how you feel and what would make you feel like you. Good luck
It sounds like you need breast augmentation. I dont think that it is gender dysphoria unless it matches up with the DSM-IV's criteria for gender dysphoria or if you get a diagnosis of gender dysphoria from a therapist. There are plenty of cis women who experience extreme discomfort due to the size of their breasts. I dont think thats the same thing as gender dysphoria, because gender dysphoria is a discomfort with ones perceived gender: which you clearly dont have since you're comfortable with your identity as a woman, and to me it is a bit strange to hear a cis person referring to their experience in that way. I think the semantics is confusing, and can come across aa being confused, and its hard to tell wherebyoure coming from what that phrasing. Maybe reading the DSM-IV's criteria for gender dysphoria and seeking other women who got breast augmentation and hearing their stories could help you find the right words. Hope you get what you need! xx
I’m trans and I think that sometimes when cis people get breast augmentation, or other forms of plastic surgery, it legitimately is gender affirmation surgery for that person. I think its completely possible for a cis woman, or cis man, to feel a huge sense of discomfort because they don’t look enough like the man or woman they want to be seen as by society. And also, discomfort because they struggle to see the man or woman they want to be in themselves. Calling that ‘dysphoria’ makes complete sense to me. I wouldn’t insist that someone IS feeling dysphoria if that’s not a term they feel is right for them. I think it depends on the person’s motivation, which maybe only they know for sure, or maybe some people don’t even totally understand *why* they want the change that they want. But seriously: trans people and cis people have honestly the exact same issues about our bodies, it’s just that trans people run against a particular wall of bigotry when we try to chose the role in life we want to play. But cis people still run into harmful stereotypes and bad harsh treatment that show them they aren’t acceptable as they are. We (trans people and cis people) can relate to each other really well if we try. We have nearly everything in common, and most of what differentiates us is discrimination.
I so get you, I have smaller breasts and every single woman in my family has huge mommy milkers, so my small chest was a running joke throughout my adolescence. It made me feel ugly, it made me feel like a boy. I hated my body all throughout my teens. It’s only now that I’m an adult that I can appreciate it for what it is
I cheer for you, Jessie. My oldest child is trans, married to a person who is also trans. I see their struggle all the time. We as humans care how others see us, and it affects how we see ourselves. It is wonderful to see your outward appearance match more closely to who you actually are and have been for some time. You are beautiful.
That last part of the conversation hit me like a freight train. It's something I've been fighting with as a transmasc non-binary and something about the idea of leaving behind that little girl and turning my back on them hurt so badly and has tied me to my doubts around pursuing my transition. Now I don't feel as badly about it all. That "little girl" then teen "girl" then "woman" were all changes in themselves from one another, so this isn't any less self loving or any more selfish than any other changes I've gone through. So thank you for that
Can I just say: this was one HELL of a project to embark on before this surgery and finish after it. Bravo.
I cant imagine the patience and confidence in a script that demands you can't "reshoot it if ya change it" because you'll literally have a different shaped skull in the reshoots, well done!
Someone who's had three major surgeries and probably had this conversation with herself each time.
I've only had one (probably my only) gender confirmation surgery. And this all sounds extremely familiar to me.
As a cis-woman who got rhinoplasty to feminize my face, this video brought me to tears. I had a deviated septum with a prominent hook on one side and it actually caused physical health problems. One side looked curved small and feminine and the other looked very masculine. I would always turn my head to show the feminine side when talking to people and taking pictures. I sometimes still miss the old nose and find little things about my new nose that I don't like, but I'm so much happier now. Some people picked on me and others complimented my unique look, but I'm happier without feeling like it's something people are focused on and they can just see me now. I hope you find great happiness with your new look! You are so beautiful! 💖
My nose kind of went the opposite- I had a perfect little nose until a rare cancerous growth thing that I can't even begin to try to spell. Dermatologists kept trying to tell me it was just a skin colored mole until I finally insisted they do a biopsy. I lost about half my nostril on my 16th birthday and a week after had plastic surgery to rebuild it. The scar goes all the way up past the bridge of my nose because they stretched the skin down. That and the fact my nostril ended up noticeably shrinking really changed the look of my nose.
The biologist in me is like "tee hee, born with those bones? nope, you were born with mostly cartillage my girl!"
Also this felt like a genius way to explore this. And the amount of planning! You would have had to script this before the surgery and really explore how you felt and how you might feel in the lead up to major surgery.
Congratulations on another great video and on getting the surgery you wanted. And I wish you a continued speedy recovery.
“The person who I was before was the performance.” This line really resonated with me. Thank you!
As a black queer man whos Masc this video gave me so much feelings. I was always seen as masc by everybody, had an athletic build, and was always cool with everyone. In highschool I was into wrestling and track but the moment I expressed interest in cooking my parents pushed back hella hard and I couldn't figure out why. I wore hard colors along with pastel color clothes and my parents pushed back against me wearing pastels. Im in my mid 20s now and im more comfortable navigating these weird gender norms and I think the hardest part is realizing these things DONT make sense.
The best part is realizing that these things dont make sense, and that you will never make sense 100% except to yourself.
My first thought at the reveal was “Aw, she’s such a cutie!”. Jessie has always had a very endearing feeling about her, and it still conveys wonderfully through the remaining post-op puffiness. Hoping the rest of the healing process goes smoothly💖
I had the same. It wasn't just like "she's so pretty", but really like "This face and personality is such a good match!"
I'm probably bad for this, but my thought was 🤞 _please have dimples_ 🤞 _please have dimples_ 🤞AHHHH dimples ☺️!!! Would've been fine either way but I'm pretty sure it probably doesn't work like that cuz muscles and such... and.. idk 😅
This conversation really touched me. It made me reflect on my own 'masking'- as an Autistic woman with poor control over my face.
I got Botox to treat chronic Migraines recently- and one interesting side effect- is while I don't notice any difference when I look in the mirror- other people have stopped constantly commenting on my expression.
People have stopped asking me 'are you ok?' (I had resting worry face something fierce).
There's an expression "Never ask the tight-rope walker how he stays up, because if he thinks about it he might fall."
I would often be going through my life happily- and someone would think I was upset- and this would make me feel guilt- that I didn't correctly express my happiness for them. And then I'd get anxious- because the demand of the performance took away from the real experience.
Now days- I don't feel more beautiful or confident- I just get to carry on with my life. People don't question me- and I can get back to being happy and myself.
I know when you say “my body, my choice” in this instance, you’re specifically referring to gender harmonization surgery, but it also makes me think of the big struggle against those who want to stop abortion rights currently. It reminds me that we’re both women, trans or not, and we need to stick up for each other and protect each other’s body autonomy. Women protect women.
I’m a cis woman and this video had me in tears. This is a beautiful exploration of what it means to be human. Thank you for sharing it.
Having had breast augmentation, I totally understand the struggle. And this video helped me tackle arguments I have yet to resolve in myself.
As a counselor for Trans teens...this was so gorgeous and profound. Thank you for expressing your complex feelings so eloquently and with such heart. I cried so much! This video could really change hearts and minds. Thank you beautiful lady!!!
Jessie dear, you are constantly blowing my mind with your talent, your heart, and soul. I honor all that you are, my neighbor. 🌈
“i can’t wait to see who you’re going to be” that got me breaking out in sobs. me too, jessie, and thank you for saying that
Aw Jessie you look great! I'm FTM and currently healing from the hysto I had 9 days ago. Healing from surgery is tough, so keep doing your best to care for yourself! Thanks for using your platform to educate folks about us.
Also, anybody who knows shit about surgery knows that swelling is normal. It takes like 12+ months to see the true end result of FFS. My tummy is super swollen from my hysto now, too. The redness from my top surgery scars are finally faded after two years! I know you need your face for your job, which makes it extra difficult to deal with. But you're doing amazing.
Sending you love and I hope you’re healing well
Hope you are recovering well..💛
As a fellow trans woman, also thinking about facial harmonization... also with the same fears... I guess you know very personally how thankful I am for you for doing this video... still gaining courage and savings to make it maybe happen someday. Hopefully. Thank you.
Let me tell you this. This is for you to look the way you FEEL the way inside, not for how other people think of you. People are ALWAYS gonna be transphobes who think you don't pass, so you just present yourself in your own reality of yourself.
This was brave af Jessie.
The “but why?” is such a frustrating question because inside ourselves, the why is obvious- we feel it. Articulating or explaining it to someone else? Might as well try telepathic communication because that is just as likely to succeed. I will never be able to find the right words to express why I feel male to my core- I just do. And that is enough of an answer for me, and it should be enough of an answer for everybody else. Self awareness is intrinsically is a lonely endeavour.
This may be a bit controversial but bare with me:
I think there is a larger gap between "cis" and "trans" then "straights" and "gays, lesbians, bis, etc" because people have a harder time wrapping their heads around what it is like to be trans.
Which is why what Jessie does is so important.
For a straight man contemplating being gay, all you have to do is say "just imagine what you feel for girls, you feel for guys".
Most of cis people don't /have/ a strong sense of gender to begin with. "We" just are: being a cis male, I pee standing up, shop in the men's section, etc. no thought to it.
So the idea of aligning differently, wanting things differently than the way they were since birth, is harder to contemplate.
@@dante6985 This is an interesting point. Most straight people can easily define what it 'feels like' to be attracted to the opposite gender. They can call that sensation to mind in a second, in all its detail. They could probably spontaneously write an essay listing the finer points of mental, physical and emotional attraction. So it's not that big a leap to imagine "what if I felt all that in response to the same gender?"
However in a my experience most cis people rarely think about what it 'feels like' to be their gender, and may not even have a strong sense of gender identity. So it's a much bigger leap for them to imagine what it would be like to have an identity which doesn't fit the one you've been assigned.
I'm nonbinary/agender, and I've spent the last few years trying to figure out what gender identity is, and what it feels like - because I don't experience it! I've generally found cis people struggle to answer when I ask "what does it feel like to be a man/woman?" Or they can only give examples of external social factors (e.g. "wearing dresses and makeup, enjoying talking about emotions, experiencing sexism" or "having short hair and a beard, being told not to express emotions and uh... liking cars and sports?" All real answers I've been given about the cis experience of 'being' male or female. Often they've never really questioned what gender 'feels like' or what it means to them below a surface performance, and their definitions falter once you point out all the sports-liking suit-wearing women with short hair who still identify as women, or ask whether a man who's able to express his emotions or likes wearing dresses automatically becomes a women (even when he still feels like a man).
Usually if you keep asking questions and push a little deeper, cis people do experience a deeper sense of identity, they just haven't thought about it before. An example I've started giving to make the difference between presentation and identity clear is this: imagine a random selection of people are dressed in a plain uniform. They're presented with two signs - Men and Women, and are asked to stand beneath whichever sign fits them best. Now you enter the room, and are shown these two groups. You're asked the same question "which one are you?" Whether you look at the signs, or at the people standing underneath, most people immediately have a clear sense of which group to walk towards. Most cis people can recognise that immediate sense of 'belonging' to one group or another, of 'being' one of the other. They can imagine how it would feel if they were stopped and told "sorry, you have to stand with the other group." They know that would feel very wrong to them. It would simply feel incorrect, inaccurate.
That, as far as I can understand, is what gender identity 'feels like' at its most basic level. That feeling of belonging to one group or the other. The feeling of 'rightness' or 'wrongness' depending on which group you're told to stand with.
Personally, as a nonbinary person, neither group feels like 'me' at all. In that example I would experience a genuine pause, genuine confusion about which direction to walk. Neither group feels 'correct' or 'accurate' to me. I'd feel most closely 'identified' or 'belonging' with other people who feel the same way. We could loosely make a third group somewhere in the middle.
So what I'm saying is, I agree that the obscure, nebulous and internalised nature of 'gender identity' can make it more of a mental and emotional 'leap' for cis people to understand. Trans people are often discussed as if their identity is a lot shallower and more surface-level than it actually is... and perhaps part of the reason behind that is the cis people making those assumptions have never truly stepped back and examined their own gender identity at a deep level. Their understanding of their own gender identity is shallow, so they're projecting that shallowness onto trans people.
I'm just a cis gender hillbilly from east Tennessee but I think you are beautiful. I'm so happy for you! I think it's amazing you realized your true self!!!
East TN, too! And you are right- she is beautiful..
What on Earth did I just saw? 😭😭 This was one of the deepest LGBTQ-related videos I've ever seen, and I've seen a huge amount of them over the past few years.
Thank you so, so, SO much for sharing this mythological gemstone of a video with us, Jessie! Once, I commented that you was the one that showed me the (metaphorically) true meaning of Pride, and you've managed to do that AGAIN, perhaps even better than last time!
I'm so glad that UA-cam allowed me to parasocially meet a woman as amazing as yourself: you manage to remain an absolutely lovely, empathy-filled nerd in spite of all the UNFATHOMABLE negativity that you have to face head-on all the freaking time.
That becomes even more amazing considering that you are an Autistic trans person like me (I'm enby btw). I know too well how unbearably strong our emotions often get in seemingly everyday situations, let alone when we are overexposed to doom, gloom and vitriol.
Anyway, this comment has been getting long for a while, but there were simply too many emotions to share. All I can say before I start wandering in circles is: take care, stay safe and enjoy your new face. 🤗
I, a cis het woman, very much appreciate the way you did this presentation. I was fortunate enough to have a good friend (since high school and that's a mighty long time ago) who in his mid 30s realized that he was trans. At the time (more than a decade ago) I didn't understand. I never discouraged him, I completely supported him, but was concerned for his well being as this was a life altering decision. I watched him transition from afar, as we live in different states, so I got the snapshots a year or so apart. I came to understand as his transition progressed, that my friend was more relaxed and comfortable in his own skin than he ever was as her. I was lucky to have that experience, because though I never thought less of trans people before that, I didn't really understand it. I didn't "get" it. Because of my friend's experience, I get it. I'm a much better and more effective ally because I get it.
I think many people who didn't get it before watching this video, have a much better grasp because of how you did this.
It's rare to see a video that is simultaneously heartwarming, heartbreaking, and hilarious. Well done.
Not so rare in videos by trans women. ❤️
This dug far deeper than I expected. I can be honest and say I was asking a lot of the questions pre-surgery Jessie was asking while watching the videos leading up to the surgery, but the joy and lightness you possess post-surgery, even with the beard on or speaking off-camera, is undeniable. This had to be a tough video to create, but I thank you for sharing it with such transparency.
Watching this made me feel naked and vulnerable with you. I wanted to hide, protect, and defend. Jesse, you are so courageous in the face of the tidal wave of all the external and internal assaults. It wounded me deeply. I had to pause this often because it, if you allow empathy to expose your heart, was a brutal tempering. And then, when I could start again, it soothed. I cry and rejoice with and for you.
The blue versus pink/red earrings and eye shadow was a lovely touch.
I cried to hear you say "what was wrong with me?" There are so many things you addressed in this video that resonated with me.
I'm glad that you mentioned that not all trans people's journey end at the big surgery, and that they can end at a point before that. As a trans man who's feminine presenting, I'm ok the way I am. I have thought about t, and want to, but it had also been weighing on my mind that I want it not for the physical benefits, but for the social benefits of no longer being misgendered (especially again, since I'm extremely feminine presenting and in a society that runs by the binary, that's automatically given me the 'girl' title since I am Pre-T and don't have much to traditionally indicate my identity as a man besides my short hair.) If I could end my journey here, I would... That's if, of course, the social aspects didn't come into play.
The part just before minute 30 where Old You says, "WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?!?" shocked the tears out of me. THANK YOU for sharing this struggle with us. Thank you for showing that even though everything we trans people do to our bodies, even though we want the changes desperately, also frightens us. What if I don't like what happens? What if I'm not pretty enough? What if I look like a freak and everyone can tell? Those are all the questions that kept me in the closet and deeply repressed until 2016. But here I am now, in 2022, living full time as a woman for 3 years, and on HRT for about 6 months longer than that. At no point did Old Me ever come back and ask me what the hell I was doing but it's not like I would've listened to him anyway.
Sorry, I didn't mean to make this about me lol! I don't know how you scripted that so well, Old You arguing with New You (which, by the way, was *very* uncomfortable for me in some parts!) You're an amazing creator and it blows my mind how some of your best content is about your own transition. Which brings up a *very* important question to me:
Would you say your transition is over?
The point of the video is we are all in constant transition, it is never over
A wise rat once said, "Change is nature, and it starts when we decide." It makes me so happy to see you happy; I wish you multitudes of gender euphoria! 💜
As someone who stumbled upon your channel due to your Trek takes and general nerd centric vids, your openness about trans issues and experience has been so enlightening to a cishet such as myself. I've had close loved ones who have begun their own process of transitioning and I can thank you for helping me become more aware of my own blind spots. Thank you so much Jessie, I'm so happy for you and wish all the success in the world!
As a cis/het guy, I won't even pretend that I fully understand transness. Like Edward Walter, I came to your channel for the Trek and geek vids, but along the way I've been exposed to a human experience different from my own. But while the particulars are different, to wrestle with one's own identity IS the human experience. Thank you for a (characteristically) deep, enlightening essay.
"The totality of myself, the wholeness of my person." God, I'm only a chunk of the way through and goodness this line is moving. Jessie this was a very brave thing to post and super personal. Thank you for sharing something like this with us, we're proud of you.
Edit: Well I'm getting closer to the end of the video and I'm crying now.
I am sobbing. This is genuinely one of the most beautiful, moving videos I have ever had the privilege of watching. You are wonderful, Jessie ♥
This video touches on a deep, contradictory experience of transness that is difficult to express: how we feel about our past selves. The dysphoria vs the self love. That girl I was was so brave for going through so much. But I'm not erasing her by changing my appearance. She is still me. Perhaps I should do the same thing I tell the cis people in my life to do and refer to past me with the correct name and pronouns. But gender is so complicated. Yes I was a nonbinary child. But I was also a girl. Anyways, thanks for the awesome video! Both of your faces are beautiful and I'm glad that you're feeling more comfortable.
I've been reading The Beauty Myth. Our entire sense of aesthetic and beauty is made up, none of us will ever be free of the desire to look and present a certain way, or differently from the current one. But you and so many trans humans that underwent the surgery are proof that change can mean so so so much more than just prettiness. It's about being at peace with your body. And I'm so happy that you feel even more like yourself. Also, yes, you look super gorgeous. Always have, now even more 🧡
ordered this book recently and it’s been sitting on my shelf...thanks for reminding me I really want to start reading it!
I knew someone in college who came out as trans and suddenly seemed sooo natural after that! No akwardness in our interactions or anything like there had been before. Something didn't seem quite natural before. Yet she was disowned by her parents for being trans. She went on to do great things without them.
"Change IS nature; the part that we can influence, and it starts when we decide."
-Remy (Ratatouille)
Happy you're happy Jessie. Love from Costa Rica 😊🥰
this Jessie from the past perfectly represents the part of ourselves that is extremelly cruel to us, kinda cathartic to see this as a very self aware and anxious person, it's good to be kind to others, but is also extremelly important to be kind to ourselves, also, great to know your surgery went well!
I'm a cis woman who loves what transness reveals about gender and humanity. I love what you said about constantly growing and changing. It made me want to show some love to my past self too.
Very much seconded! Cis woman also and I don't understand people feeling threatened by transness. It always makes me feel more confident that I am female.
I'm now three weeks on Testosterone, which marks the first step in my medical transition. Seeing both you and Luxeria talk about what marks (one of) the last steps in the medical part of your transition is reassuring and has produced a lot of helpful thought strings that, I believe, will help me navigate my own journey. Thank you for this, and I can't wait to see where you go from here.
The "what was wrong with me?" brought me to tears, this is such a powerful video.
I'm so glad UA-cam recommended me this, I hope more and more people get to learn from your experience.
You are beautiful, strong and wonderful ❤️
I absolutely did not expect to get so emotional watching this.
I adore you Jessie. You were beautiful before and you are now. I hope this brings you the joy you hoped it would.
I know Jessie’s pre-op points are wrong, but her bitchy side eyes are killing me 😂 seeing someone as sweet as you acting sassy is sending me! I’m so happy for you girl 💚
Right? I got Laura Prepon vibes from those eyebrows.
I believe the point is that neither of them are wrong.
@@sycastells1212 That was my interpretation as well. She is the Trekkie queen of nuance, after all
@@sycastells1212 no you’re right! I wrote this comment when I was about halfway through and Post-Op Jessie was on the defensive. I completely agree with you though, the entire process is valid so they’re both correct! 🥰
As a 56 year old hetro man, can I say that you look great. Your bravery in posting this is staggering.
You are my hero for the week!
As a young trans person who has yet to get their first surgery and is only on the beginning of my transition, this video was so helpful to me. It made me tear up especially thinking about the me that I am right now, versus the me that I will be in years to come. I have this ongoing fluctuation with my relationship with transness. The issues I have are that I don't feel that I was assigned the right body, which is different for me from my gender identity. I don't identify with any particular gender, I just feel like I'm some kind of genderless entity who says "fuck it" to all labels. But I want to change my body, I don't feel comfortable in this body and I want to change it, because this simply doesn't feel like me. But I often feel that in the future, when I have fully transitioned, I do not want people to know that I wasn't born this way. The idea of that makes me very uncomfortable. Which is strange, because I haven't even gotten to that point yet.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that seeing you at this point in your life gives me hope, that one day I'll look at myself in the mirror and finally see myself. That one day I'll look back on the old me and simply think "That was me, but I wasn't happy that way, and I chose to become the person I am today, because it's how I feel inside."
However this video does make me sad. It makes me sad at the hurtful truths of how trans people are treated, specifically in medical settings. I had to get a note from my therapist to start HRT, I am constantly being treated as if my transness is a side effect of my mental illness, and not a partial cause of it. As if trans people aren't struggling with depression, anxiety, and trauma because of our transness and the way we are treated in society. And then there's also this expectation that you have to be suffering as a trans person to transition, that you have to get a note from your therapist that this transition will make your mental health better, and that if that isn't the case then you shouldn't transition. There's this implication that there has to be something wrong with us for us to want to transition. When transitioning is simply what we want to do. And having to justify a reason for us wanting to transition, is denial of bodily autonomy and straight up transphobia.
You are valid and you matter, blessings on your journey my friend
I met an agender person who was extremely androgynous and had no desire for people to know what they were assigned at birth.
As a baby trans back then, I was kinda in love with admiration and seeing what 'could be' for me.
Although I won't change my form, as I like most of it, I wish I could look androgynous enough for people to not presume a gender and just take what I say.
That person aced it by some luck, and I hope you get what you desire too.
It's definitely possible.
This video made me cry. Such a beautiful ode to loving our past selves and embracing our future selves. Thanks for staying true to you and speaking so eloquently. I’m happy for you and glad you’re happy!!
First, as a cis woman I have absolutely experienced gender euphoria. There's something about striking the right chord that fits your personality all the way down that I think is something really similar to acts of gender affirmation for trans people. I actually got my nose pierced the other day which was the last incident. SO PROUD OF YOU, SO HAPPY, SUCH HARMONY.
Second, I found the before and after segment to be really touching as a fat person. I absolutely loathe weight loss celebration before and after pictures because it feels like passing judgement on the person you were before. It's so nice to see you and other trans people reclaim transformation photos as just marking of changes and choices. It was pretty Jessie the lovely woman before and after, just a little different.
“Welcome Jessie, her arms wide, boobs prominent.”
I fucking died. I love it.
Such a good line!!!
I wasn’t expecting to cry because I have 0 plans for medical transition. But I did change my name. And now I’m crying a lot. We’re SUPPOSED to change, omg Jessie you nailed it.
Jessie you are magical. How did you make a video that is so sincere, funny, informative, poignant, brave, moving, beautifully uncomfortable at moments, thought provoking, and entertaining... all at the same time? Thank you, and wishing you a speedy recovery and endless moments of euphoria.
UA-camrs have a special relationship with themselves in the editing room that doesn’t require removing an eye. Thank you for your thorough kindness to yourself on every new side of your journey. I hope you are flooded with peace and love and strength to continue shining in these changing and troubling times, beautiful friend. ❤️
Have just watched this on Nebula... I'm not crying, you're crying... 😭
Jessie, as a cis neurokin, I cannot express enough how beautiful of a soul you are, what a brave video format this was, and how effective it was. I hope as you continue to heal that you feel more & more harmony in yourself. Thank you for being so vulnerable with us all. 💖
Bodily autonomy is truly the most essentially human thing. Really appreciated your perspective on change, and choice, and the idea of performance. Like you said, these concepts may be more overtly obvious with the trans experience, but they are ultimately all human experiences as well. Congratulations on your surgery and thank you for your thoughtful video!
Well that was unexpected tearing up as a 49 year old white cis het male whose lived experience is very different to the themes here exemplified by a favourite quote from a favourite medical professional. And yet perhaps not so much. There are UA-camrs I re- watch more, for certain, but none whose words and opinions have stuck with me as much you.
beautiful sentiment, I agree :)
Darn is Jessie you finally did it. You made me cry.
It's strange to cry now, well to let myself express any emotion when I find myself so moved by your work. A mere five years ago it would've given me away to my mother, so I never expressed any emotion about my sexuality, my gender, even my identity.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I love your work. I love the way it makes me feel, the happy and the sad, because I wasn't allowed to feel anything before. I'm really glad I found your channel 💜
Congrats, Jessie! Brilliant, precision planning for this video, too. So impressive.
Thank you ❤️
“weird ethereal space that all trans people have the power to teleport to” hahaha I love how you always manage to be both funny and serious and educational all in one video. And anyway congratulations on your surgery! 🥰
Trans people say "I know a spot" and take you deep inside the white stripe in the flag
LOL at pre-surgery Jessie roasting post-surgery Jessie. Seriously though, great work. Making physical the mental processes you've gone through, or the questions you're asked by others, or yourself.
Hi! What a gorgeous picture you've on your profile just decided to stop by and say hi. I hope my compliment is appreciated 😊🌹
Oh my god! Jessie! I am so happy for you!! I am a cis woman who has always suffered body dysmorphia, so it’s not the same thing and I faced much less stigma and internal turmoil growing up in my own body, but I want to say a small part of me relate to everything you felt, and I am so so so so fucking happy for you.
I had to stop the video for a moment to cry at "What was wrong with me?" I do not even know where to begin to express how important and how impactful this video was. Thank you!
This video made me break down crying and come to some realisations of my own identity as both a disabled and nonbinary person. You are so wonderful, Jessie; who you were, who you are, and who you will become 🌈💜
As a pre-transition trans, the 'so you're saying I am some sort of disorder?' line- from pre-surgery Jessie really hits. I don't know how I feel about it yet, but I'm definitely feeling things. Oh alexithymia, ever so helpful.
But so dysphoria IS a disorder though. It has a strong negative impact on my ability to live a healthy functioning life, which makes it a disorder. But is current me therefore a disorder? Or should I not be thinking of current appearance as 'wrong' 'not good enough' 'disorder'? Is that self-sabotage? Am I doing myself a disservice to dislike what I look like right now (despite there being nothing objectively wrong with how I look)?
Should I be appreciating these flesh blobs on my chest that I'm trying so hard to get rid of, because they're (hopefully) not going to be there forever? But what if I have no positive memories of them, like at all? Is it okay to diss current me and say that I really just don't f*ckin like it and I'm not going to miss it?
I dunno if you were expecting answers when you got to the end of this comment, but I don't have any so uhh bye lol.
The editing. The pacing. The discussion. I hope this video gets the attention and has the impact it deserves given how all your mastery of media to this point comes together in it. I hope we can someday describe this UA-cam video as award-winning, because it already is in my heart. Bravo once again!
🙌🙌🙌
Jessie I am internally screaming and struggling not to lose it and start bawling. This was so raw, honest, and beautiful - something you always were, but I'm sure nothing compares to the elation now that you feel more like the real you! It's okay to lean into beauty standards if it makes you happy, confident, more harmonized etc when you do so, and it's okay to be critical of your own participation in it too, if that's how you feel about it!
But in NO WAY do you owe a single person an apology for it. For anything you've done. You have made me a happier, more empathetic, better educated person with your passionate videos and you deserve to extend that love and empathy to yourself 1000 fold. I'm glad to get to meet you, WELCOME Jesse 2.0 2022, baybee!
I honestly wasn't expecting this to hit me as hard as it did, as someone who can't even look at my reflection in my phone screen.
I'm so glad you're happy with the results and your transition as a whole now that you're basically done. You deserve your hard-earned happiness!
This was such a moving exploration of the complex thoughts and feelings you've been having. I really appreciated watching and listening.
As a young trans woman I'm very proud of your braveness to make this video jessie.i see my trans-ness as a journey both the social and these days the medical side of my transition I'm 8 months on hrt and I've never felt better and I experience alot more euphoria but I still have facial and bottom dsyphoria, so even though I pass somewhat those things still cause me to feel dsyphoric and I find myself terrified of being clocked and sometimes I catch myself loosing my pitch so sometimes my voice outs me.
And I'm one of those Tgirls who is open about my transition but mostly only to people who I trust like friends and family and doctors plus partners are the only people allowed to know that fact about my life but when I'm out and about I want things to stay hush,hush but sometimes the people who still don't understand my choice out me.. so it makes it hard, especially when the problem makers are immediately family but hopefully one day they'll stop outing me in public.
They're is a huge part of me that wants the former images of my self to be remembered while there's another part that wishes my past could be erased MIB style but something I've come to realize over the course my journey so far is those past images forged the trans woman I am today and I love them for just that and I look forward to seeing my future self in the future of my journey in the mirror.
As a middle aged, middle class, straight, white, man, who lives in a very conservative state (Utah), I'm glad you made this video. I found it to be a very honest, and telling look into the experience of something that I will never come close to experiencing.
Best wishes to you!
PS I also liked your What is a Woman? video
You look terrific Jessie! "Harmonization" is the perfect term for your surgery. It makes perfect sense to me.
About 25 years ago I had facial reconstruction surgery due to a dental issue, so I relate to shaving down bones, post-surgery pain, etc. For the next month I looked like I had a softball in my cheek.
I love how the whole Jessie Gender cinematic universe comes together in this one. Can't wait for what is going to happen in the new phase.
Omg YES