I can’t even put into words how much this video means to me.....after decades of familial abandonment fear I’ve put up with gross narcissistic & emotional abuse which naturally carried over to my post-college relationships.....today, my late husband’s birthday, in honor of his heartbreaking childhood narcissistic abuse, my sons and I will insist, in all relationships, to STICK-UP for ourselves (with integrity).......no matter how long it takes or the feared consequence 💜💜💜💙💙💙Happy Birthday Mike❤️
First time i watched this video i was in shock, i had to watch it again to understand what Lisa was saying. Thank you Lisa for opening up my mind, i thought i was the bad one in my family out of my other 3 brothers. I'm 50 yrs old and just starting to wake up after watching your video.
I have learned that one important thing about sticking up for yourself is that it shows you very clearly who respects you and who doesn’t, and who you may need to get rid of in your life.
This is the hard part..that it isn't just setting the boundary it is the Following through. I will say. I'm not having this conversation and if it continues I just get up and walk away. Period. I used to do a bunch of "oh you don't mean that..that's not very nice then veered into acting LIKE them (ugly and I sure didn't feel better after) tears, apologies, trying to change the subject. Now. I unemotionally state the boundary and if breached deliver the consequences. It's tough. Honestly it was almost impossible until I shifted the paradigm. I USED to think oh their upset and can't control themselves but they do love me until the day when after a an episode, I off handedly remarked about how hard it must be for then to manage their "upset& temper" at work. They very nonchalantly informed me that they NEVER behaved this way at work, they'd get fired. O M G. They COULD control themselves and their rages, they chose NOT TO. They was just no "payoff" at having restraint with me. Oh and my upset, hurt, heartbreak at the emotional battering? Mere dirt beneath their feet. Boundaries now. Just a note: when one paradigm shifts so do others. Paradigm. He lovees me Issue: all of the garbage abuse. How can he do this if he loves me? Why it should be Impossible! Such a disconnect that he SAYS love but he DOES hateful. Rather than squirrel run that, flip it. What if he did not love me..could them he do all of these things? What if he hated me? Resented me? What about then? BINGO. Lisa is fabulous for holding a mirror up to our squirrel runs.
Bingo! People who truly love and respect you will understand that your boundaries are important and they are not to cross them. If they can’t or won’t understand that, let them go. They are not worth your time or effort no matter how close or familial they may be
100%. Correct. It surely allows you to once you set those boundaries to be able to see those who says no one cares about your boundaries. It’s true they don’t. I have had to end relationships with family members, and the whole nine.. I no longer give chances over and over. Boundary is set and if you cross/break it. I end the relationship with you no matter who you are. And I never look back. PEROID.
@@leahweinberger583 I LOVE your comment. I have an almost identical history and thought pattern: "They don't mean that. Look at all the times we've had such fun together . . . " I've even had the good luck to have a trusted friend who also happens to be a LPC tell me, after I would describe an abusive incident I was trying to make sense of, "Someone who loves you wouldn't do that." I heard her, but I didn't fully understand and accept what she said. How do you accept that your family of origin doesn't love you?! When you said to flip this thinking around and stop asking 'how could someone who loves me do and say these things' and instead, consider whether someone who doesn't love you could do/say them. Absolutely they could! As painful as it is, it's almost a relief from the emotional whiplash and weird, confusing fog of trying to figure out the reason for their conduct toward me. It's simpler and much more logical to just accept that they can't, won't and don't love me for reasons of their own. I don't need to understand more than that.
@@ccdm515 yes, I became surrounded by N’s because I was kinda acting like one and being used as a fuel source for multiple N’s. I started to think everyone was like that, but people have been so kind to my blunders, like SO damn sweet.
One thing I've noticed when I'd stick up for myself to narcissists is they would alway twist it around like I'm over reacting etc.. When they know full well I'm right. They love to gaslight. Sick and twisted manipulative people!
Those are the people you walk away from, and no longer associate with. You don’t try to change, reason, or explain to them, you just put them out of your life.
When you stick up for yourself or set a boundary appropriately, the reaction you get tells you a lot about the person you're dealing with, and lets you know which people are worth spending your time & effort with. Life is so short.
I read somewhere that this is the advice in some asian countries, and why they might smile if the boss is yelling at them. It's interesting how other cultures do things.
@@treeluckfactory5710 Yes, thanks for sharing that, I appreciate it. It is interesting that some cultures include everything as a part of life, emotional, spiritual, etc, but here in the U.S., we separate everything, where some people ignore their feelings & emotions, etc, and think that some people don't even have emotions, or shouldn't. And the fact that our society is so materialistic, narcissistic, and capitalistic where money is the main concern, everything else gets pushed to the wayside.
@@vivere__ Exactly. I think the main problem is that we don't like to believe what we find out about someone when they show us their true colors (as in a pattern, I don't mean just once like if someone's having a bad day) - we want to believe that people are going to be good to us and are reasonable, especially our family members, so we treat them like they are adults when they show that they have the mentality of a child, and the next time we visit them, if they don't live up to what we hope they are, we are let down and hurt. Many people try and try again, hoping their abusive family members will surely treat them good, and they're let down time & again.
Love this comment. So true. It's easy as a co-dependent to cling to a relationship for fear of abandonment. But it's actually healthier to look out for our needs first and know that whatever happens is meant to happen either in the present moment or in the near future.
Jennifer Syke Phoenix That's exactly right and it can continue into teenage and adult "relationships," then it's difficult to even think straight when people get angry etc. 😩
Yeah...I thought that, for a long time. Then I decided I could take it, call the cops, arrest him, restraining order. Boom he’s out! Never did even TRY to hit me after that! It said, go ahead, do it, I dare you... not afraid anymore... means a lot to me and says something to him, too After 35 years he just quit.
This is true, but when you're older and realise that doing nothing actually hurts more than getting hit, or you have that feeling that you could get killed but no one will treat you in such this and that disgraceful way, then it is amoment where magic happens and you see different results and different reactions, and you know you can do it. Consequently comes time when you also learn how to do it in a kind way where you respect your rights but also do not disrespect the other person.
It’s odd. I grew up with two different kinds of narcissists and I seem to have no problem standing up for myself. Even when it isn’t really necessary. Hmmm.
I am in a place in my life that I am okay with detachment. 😍 I am okay with not having the approval of anyone. Been gone 2 years now. I am in the drivers seat of my Life with the help of God.🙏👑💪🌹😍
Congratulations! I too am finally accepting detachment! Toxic people (blood or not!) have ZERO automatic "right" to your time and/or space in your life!
We have been deceived by narcs in ways you cannot imagine! Time to set our boundaries and stand up against them! Please read my "About" info and PC users also watch the 2min video. Time to fight back and free ourselves!!!
Lara, for me, many times and most of the time I don't need to see into the future set a boundary. If asked something I do not wish to do, at that moment in time I did not see it coming but at that moment in time I can say no. That is me setting a boundary. That is me setting a boundary in the absolute now of my life. I truly see what you're talking about on some things. If you know somebody has a doctor's appointment and you expect they will ask you for a ride then I guess up ahead you could say you wouldn't be able to. But again, if it takes you by surprise and you say no, that is the boundary in the here-and-now with never seeing ahead. It seems to me that it takes a lot of g r o w t h to get to that point coming from the Cinderella life I came from. Good luck to us all!
Exactly. At some point I've recognized enough is enough of this abuse and criticism from others just so they can feel better about themselves by bringing others down. Set strong boundaries or cut ties is the best remedy if they don't want to change and do the right thing.
Sad but true. These type of people are sick in the head. They never want to look themselves in the mirror. Instead they love to project their insanity and insecurity on others.
@@sage7193 Google Gangstalking and see how this sickness has morphed into a movement with zero transparency, accountability or Justice!! I think one narc at a time is enough for anyone to have to deal with. Lol!!
@@emilygraham9968 Good advice! I completely agree. I've heard of that term. I will do more research on that. I've also wondered about it but have never researched it.Thanks!
@@emilygraham9968 Government is behind the gangstalking. The psychopathic "elite" that control the govt and media. They are also behind the entire "coronavirus" psyop. Pure fear propaganda so they can force a genocidal "vaccine" on everyone and gain complete and total control of their every move and thought. Why are people so STUPID! Why do they believe this BS?? Why do they acknowledge and obey this LIE?? The more idiots who comply with this psyop, the closer we ALL ARE TO LOSING EVERY LAST SHRED OF FREEDOM AND LIBERTY WE HAVE LEFT!!!
My mom always taught me how to take humiliation and abuse but never taught me how to stick up for myself. she's passed away may she rest in peace but she was an extreme abuser too.
I grew up in an environment like that. I remember when the narc had friends over - I just finished making eggs (prior to their arrival) I asked if she wanted and she answered no. As soon as I finished making it, she goes: “make me some eggs too”. When I gave her the eggs, she was so overtly critical (mind you she rarely cooked and when she did she was so obnoxiously lazy most times ruining the food). Her friends started laughing and I instantly shouted:”if you didn’t like the way I made them then you should’ve made them yourself”. Silence took the room and later she scolded me about it, but now that I’m 26. I realized that my parents should’ve never had kids!
Right on the nail! Childhood Emotional Neglect causes the kid to feel like they need to put their feelings aside and put themselves on the back burner for the needs of others. The child doesn’t develop a sense of self that is inwardly focused. You cannot understand boundaries or know how to stand up for yours if you are in a place where you actually don’t exist. It’s the exact opposite of narcissism.
Ugh.. learned helplessness comment hit hard. Is that why I look like a deer in headlights whenever someone crosses a boundary.... This is a labor of love you are doing Lisa and I'm brought to tears is I listen to the quality of your voice as you speak about your mom' and her nability to stand up for herself. So obvious how much work you've done to regain yourself. Thankfully opened up one of your videos. Riveting.
The Narcissist will punish you if you push back or don't obey. This could go to real extremes like leaving you outside in the dead of Winter like some abused animal.
Yeah, I've had underclothes thrown in dirty toilet water then trashed right in front of my eyes. And I wanted to know what would make one do this. I didn't have any of this knowledge then.
I've noticed that many of us empaths age well even though we should look like hell from what we've been through. I've read about this many times as well.
I was beaten as a child for trying to say so. Then it happened again in adulthood. 24 years worth of it. Gaslit. Beaten and abused. Told I was nuts and should be in an insane asylum. I'm now learning this at 45 years old. Thank you for this video you are an Angel
I can relate. If I even ask a question to my narcissist mother I was hit, slapped, and kicked. I tried all my childhood to get my mother to love me. Then at the age of 21 when my mother kicked me I told her off. I realized I could never get her love. I found friends who became my family and loved me.
Many who grew up neglected and/or abused lack a sense of self and worth BECAUSE they grew up in UNSAFE environments. That can’t be emphasized ENOUGH. It’s one thing I can’t stand hearing said. Like not having a sense of worth is something I just lack out of the blue. It wasn’t a choice for me to DEVELOP A HEALTHY SENSE OF SELF ESTEEM AND BOUNDARIES because the parents I was born to and raised by were constantly threatened by my authentic self and feelings, etc. Their self-protective response was to effectively shut me down, to keep me small to make themselves feel better/safer/more capable than me. It’s really important for those, like me, to BEGIN HEALING by hearing that it’s not a personal failing on our part or just something we didn’t figure out. It’s what HAPPENED *TO* US. When I hear my experience mirrored back to me, I feel understood and that’s all I needed to begin my healing path. It sounds small or unimportant, but for me, it’s everything. Unfortunately, even after engaging several counselors, I couldn’t find someone to do that with me, so I learned to validate myself. I am not a person who struggled with my worth. I knew I had worth. *I struggled to feel safe enough to assert myself in my worth with others due to the emotional and physical abuse I endured at my parents’ hands.* This is important to get right and talk about specifically. It’s a safety issue and an ownership issue. They did things to me that caused my normal, self-protective response IN THAT CONTEXT to not trigger their wounds (by shrinking and complying to their emotional demands). But seeing it clearly like that just opens the door to saying, because I realize it’s true now, I wasn’t safe then so that’s how I needed to be then to cope. But now I am safe because *I keep myself safe* (by recognizing my needs and responding appropriately to them, including by setting boundaries) and that means I can show how much I do value myself. I can be me openly, finally, without fear of reprisal, from others who are/were threatened by me. For many of us survivors, it’s less about building a self esteem but rather about building a sense of safety to *release our real sense of worth out where others can see it.*
I'm 36 and have always struggled with this. Recently I stood up for myself at work and pushed back as I've been working on myself in a support network. It's the first time I've really done this and was hard but necessary to love myself. I panicked and went quiet at first then I went back and expressed how they made me feel and picked them up on it. I felt so empowered and also more respect for myself. Thankyou for explaining the panic I felt and know what wa happening. I appreciate your work
Sometimes freezing has gotten me out of the immediate abusive situation( first freeze, then remove the body from danger). It did not feel like I was responsible for what they were saying. It was not safe to make a response other than getting out. Then thinking about what kind of response I could make from a distance. Freezing and not trying to defend myself, stopped them from being able to use my responses against me in their smear campaign (they attacked in front of witnesses). My reptile brain stopped me from making a bad situation worse. It picked up my devastate psyche along with my body and got me to a safe place. Once safe, my mind could catch up with the new information, and deal with it. My threat assessment system is smarter then me in those situations. It does not care what I think if it decides that someone wishes me harm and can carry out the threat. It felt pretty crap, but I could not have walked out of there under my own steam.
This was actually my situation as a kid. I always froze because to stick up for yourself was just to constantly be in even more trouble. As an adult I need to practice sticking up for myself and being more assertive.
Linnaia Crist -I still freeze when narc of 40 year marriage will pull his stuff out of left field, more like shock. I go off on my own into another room and try and decipher what just happened. I do stick up for myself but in my mind-he wouldn’t understand if I always tell him the truth of the way of things. He is too famous for blaming me or sweeping it all under the rug. Yes I do feel sorry for him but honestly it doesn’t make me yearn to stay .
This lock down has really helped me to start to find the true me, and Lisa's vids are opening me up to how ive not had boundaries throughout my life from my childhood, and I need to grow strong and self accept, and not isolate when the Cov 19 passes, but its going to be hard meeting new people now Im 60yrs old, not in bad shape but Im on the sick with depression and anxiety battling addiction and have little hope of finding a partner,but Ive found me and you know ? I think Im ok ,Im an ok person after all, thank you Lisa and life's lessons
Hey Mark im62years old and facing the same dilemna..but finding yourself is so freeing! We willmake it!! Its better to be alone than to be with even one narcisst
So much information is contained within this that anyone could use this to personally develop. Our childhood emotional development comes from a limited range of ideas, infused normals no matter who you are. To me those that have been through the worse & dive deep , eventually are the most woke people on earth.
Bible says "humility comes before honor".....The narc's want the honor all for themselves, upfront and without any real effort, introspection or work and their father satan is glad to give it to them (in this present life, that is). Not so in the next.
"Setting and sticking to our boundaries is pulling away from codependency and seeking external validation" One of the many gems from this video. Lots of love, Lisa
I did this and starded noticing i would panic less. Starded seeing people noticed that something was going on and seeing them worried taking care of me. It helped me to not care alot to stand up and be firm. When i left i wasnt having anxiety. After 3 days starded seeing clear and know whats mine and whats not. I see alot of things I didnt before.
Absolutely! You have to say no to caretaking all the time and pay attention to your needs even if people get upset. Being the go to for everybody is not the healthiest thing. Balance!
Yes, I have a friend who is a user. She expects everyone to cater to her. She always wants to be driven for lunch or gatherings. She manipulates the conversations and wants to be the main person talking. I can only stand to be around her bits at a time. I finally told her she needs to find another person to take her places. She is so angry…I did the right thing🙋♀️👍🕊
In almost all of my relationships (family, friends, work) I am the common denominator. There's something about me/something that I do or don't do that allows people to think they can disrespect me. I wished that I knew how to stand up for myself as a child...life would have been soo much different (in a better way for sure). I say all of this but I am no victim...just taking responsibility.
If you're reading this, you have a voice. You matter. Thank you, Lisa, for explaining this process in a very tangible way an inner child can understand.
Sticking up for yourself can be an extremely complicated process... however some people make it look like it can be easily done. It's been a slow process for me, but I'm learning that by watching these self-help videos and reaching out to the vast community that exist within them, it is possible to develop the tools needed to become a stronger person. The process of learning how to use these tools is developed the same way any other talent is developed; by practicing. Thank you for everything that you do Lisa and my heart goes out to everyone who has had to suffer any form of abuse 💕
I walk away an then i think i should of said that back but its to late Try to be quick in respoding aint easy i used to find my self freaking out an swaring then i look like a nut case
@@paulsimpson8255 I was and am the same way. I have learned it’s absolutely not your fault. You can’t respond. It’s part of PTSD. It’s a subconscious way of survival. I would get so mad at myself for freezing and not saying anything. I would walk off thinking why didn’t I say …. Counseling has really helped me to overcome the PTSD. May God direct your steps to healing. 💙🕊
I love the word “no”. With no explanation …just “no”. It works great “sometimes”…often actually. It’s like a magic word that gets rid of a lot of stress. 👍👍👍
Were I your mom I would remain silent too... you either walk away from a narcissist, or just shut up. You can never ever have a constructive argument with a narcissist, so why bother.
You are so clean in your presentation, that it is a real benefit to your followers. At 72, you are spelling out my life, marriages, and family; to the extent, that I have changed my thinking on each relationship I have ever been in. The traps that they set, are not obvious to us when a person is a narcissist. You will never know how many lives you have changed to understand what response is a healthy and positive emotional reaction. Thank you so very much!
I never could see the bigger picture. This video on standing up for myself as well as another from Women of Impact about an ex-secret service agent's tactics to stay calm and confident under pressure gave me the gift of foresight. I CAN FINALLY PLAN OUT THE FUTURE, instead of getting scared in the middle of danger and crumbling to escape. Thank you Lisa. 🧡
Oooo..Thank you for sharing. I’m going to watch that Women of Impact episode. I am so glad you have learned these skills and are able to implement them. It gives me hope I can do the same. Much love to you. 💕
This is so true. I keep ending up with bosses who seem to be narcissistic. It feels like if I stick up for myself then there's repercussions. But there is anyway so I might as well stick up for myself. I know I don't deserve the treatment. I'm also not a mind reader.
I am so amazed by your flow of thought and how effortlessly you teach such wisdom. Thank you for doing this no doubt so much healing is happening because of it.
Wow THANK you! You just described what I went thru over last 2 yrs! Living with 2 relatives-one with borderline personality & the other a narcisist! Yes it's been a huge spiritual awakening! I prayed a lot during their chaos & I felt like God was saying,"Watch now as all the masks come off & it's time for you to face the truth of who you've lived with! The day I nicely said I'd like my room to be off limits while I was at work. I observed signs my boundaries were not honored! It seemed like I was living in a nightmare carnival where they did everything I asked them not too!! Realizing they refused to respect my rights & practically la7ghed about it..I had to ask them both to move out. I suggested group family therapy they refused..so I had to face the painful truth I didn't mean as much to them as I thought if they wouldn't invest an hour of their time with me in therapy. Growing..was just not a future they saw or desired. It was difficult adjustment but truly the peace I have now is heavenly!
You described my people pleasing co dependency that started in childhood Where I suppressed and concealed my true feelings and emotions because if I expressed my “unimportant “feelings or needs or put up healthy boundaries I was considered selfish, thoughtless and a troublemaker and I would be invalidated dismissed ,shamed ,and guilted This has led into years of tolerating by having no boundaries not sticking up for myself and feeling I deserved being married to an abusive psychopath narcissist Ex husband that exploited , punished and preyed on my learned helplessness My weaknesses and vulnerabilities I constantly felt like I was responsible to keep the peace and make everyone else happy while I and eventually my children have all suffered at the hands of their abusive dad
I'm astounded right now. You are describing me to a T. I have never been able to stand up for myself and not feel guilty about it. I've always felt disapproval from family and friends whenever I've tried to stand up for myself. I thought it was just my personality that I would freeze when people were rude or unkind
That experiment Lisa talked about regarding the babies and their emotionally unavailable and blank-faced mothers hurt my heart and spirit so much. They couldn’t pay me enough to do that to my babies-even if it’s for a few minutes. I couldn’t bear to see their little faces-confused and hurt by my indifference and silent treatment. This is how we, even as adults, feel when our narcissistic spouse acts this way towards us. At least we have the tools (thanks to Lisa) to deal with that. But children don’t and it’s heart-wrenching to think about-experiment or not.
Agreed. I can’t even walk past my cat without some kind of acknowledgment or a pat on the head. Can’t imagine disregarding a baby. My baby-ANY baby for that matter.
I knew I wasn't crazy. I know what I saw and would call it out. Told my mom about how my wife does this to hurt me and the baby too. I knew when she didnt answer phone, left me, go out and didnt see her I would have anxiety attacks till I saw her. Have nightmares at nigh. She starded doing this to the baby throwing her in the bed. Baby starded crying calling out for her. Didnt want nobody to touch her exept mom. Till I would make her pick up are daughter. The baby crying for her waking in the middle of th night traumatized like me. I said what kind of mother/parent would do this. Do they have no love for their kids. Do they even have compassion or feelings to do that to their baby. I said if she does that to the baby and don't care. Why would she care about doing it to me. Mom immediately put her head down in shame cause she knew she also did this to me when I was younger.
I always say that good people know when not to take advantage of another.....I do not like to think that MOST people will take advantage or push someone around who has weak boundaries.....
You are correct Most good ppl won't come in and rob you blind..but you do know the ones that will are out there so you lock your doors and buy a burger alarm. Self Protection is a self loving behavior.
I love how you break things down, you break it down to where anyone listening could comprehend and benefit from this. I love how you just get right to it. You have helped me recognize so much about myself. I had been told I was codependent when I was younger but it was described as a person raised by a substance abuser. I didn't understand that because my mom wasn't a SA but my maternal grandfather was an alcoholic. The therapist said that made me codependent. Now that I have your break down of it, it makes more sense to me. It even makes the previous definition I had make more sense, because it ties together. Thanks Lisa
After listening to Lisa, one of my Digital Life Coach. Its a Mind Flip, a Relabel that Penetrates into deep Emotion, giving you Great Confidence in yourself. Im Grateful my Eyes are being Opened
My mother is a narcissist and totally undermined me with my children and now as adults they disrespect and put me down. It was like she had no idea the things she did were hurting the parent and child relationship or else didn't care. It definitely was a family pattern passed down thru the generstions. I have told my children repeatedly that I am sorry that I that I yelled and screamed too much at them that I wish could have been a better parent to them. My mom refuses to see that she did anything wrong. Even when I graduated from University with my BA, sense it was a degree in psychology and was a "soft science" compared to my younger brothers masters in electrical engineering, my accomplishments with my education dont really mean anything. I think she was secretly afraid I would figure her games out, she resented me.
Yes people get a shock when you start setting boundaries. I started a few weeks ago, when devine helped me open my throat chakra, boy did it feel empowering.
It is extremely uncomfortable to set boundaries and to reinforce them. Thank you for this timely video. I character assassinated and I regret it. I sent the message in such a knee jerk reaction. I feel horrible.
Since my mother died, my father needs help. My sister and I have an estranged relationship. It's been a power play trying to care for dad. It's too much to layout here but it's been difficult .
lopezbernadine82 that’s the hardest part is trying to understand how family can act like that ... but it doesn’t mean anything to them n they know it means the world to you n they will try to hurt with it ...
Learned helplessness theory 🤯 thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience. It is so awesome how you articulate yourself and it totally resonates. I feel like a child in adult body sometimes but I am developing awareness so I can grow up and be a good parent.
I'm 40 and I'm learning about myself 💗 Just had a recent conversation with my mom and dad. My husband and I wanted to have a visit with them over the phone and my mom wondered with my dad if we were calling to ask for $. My dad heard her and assumed that's why we were calling. He called and launched into this whole weird speech about work and how he held down 3 jobs at one point, blah blah blah. We had no idea why he was going on and on about this? At one point he called me "Part-Time Jenn". I got pissed. I reminded him of all the FT jobs I've had, the EIGHT YEARS I ran a business with my Narc ex, working 60+ hours a week due to my abusive ex workaholic 😡 my dad WORKED for us!! Did he just forget?! WTH?! His comments were abusive. And would have crushed me if I hadn't been working on my self esteem and self worth the last 2 years. My dad assumed things and didn't even bring it to the table in a healthy way. My mom sat on the line and said _nothing._ 😡 Whatever. I'm healthy....they aren't there yet.
I started to pay for counselling though have now quit as UA-cam is free and I find content such as yours much more insightful than what I was paying for!!!!! 💙
YES YEA YES A THOUSAND TIMES OVER!!I can watch this ALL DAY not just have 45 mins of trauma with a person who does not know me at all!! Who makes me pay 100 dollars!!!
Lisa, this really hit home with me today. So, I spoke up to my son. Stood my truth and ended the conversation with "We can agree to disagree. That is okay." But I had the conversation and spoke my truth. Huge!!!
I definitely do what you comment on at the 16 minute mark, I expect people to take a hint rather than flatly set boundaries, I also get bewildered when people agree a set of “rules” for an occasion, task or favour and then flatly disregard them, getting angry when I then refuse to fulfill my part of the bargain!
Always happens with narc. I started screaming and running at them with with fists flying. The bitches do back up. I also warned that my best friend "crow" last name "bar" is ready to handle the situation.
I am 57 year old male on self development journey and have been navigating all of the resources out there and I have to tell you I hang on every word you say because I feel the truth in what you offer and I want to thank you personally every bit of info you offer is right I can feel it to my core so I would like to thank you for everything you do.
I grew up in a household with TWO narcissists. Listening to this, I realized the adult narcissist only showed empathy for what the child narcissist was putting me through as a hoover for me or an attempt to control the child narcissist; they never actually did anything to prevent or change it, and they acted as if *I* was the one who needed professional help when I rebelled against living in that situation--yup, it was my fault, not either of theirs. I have a certain amount of sympathy for the child narcissist today (we're both adults) realizing the adult narcissist made them that way, but low-contact is still the best I can offer either of them.
i read back to my journal entries from 2020, 2 years ago, and also the time of this video being posted. I found an entry about a coworker at my old job who kept speaking to me very disrespectfully. He'd always respond to things I said with "What are you stupid?" "Are you an idiot?" I told him I picked up a side gig during covid and so I wasn't available on certain days. He said "What are you an idiot? You'd rather get paid by a second job than work overtime?" I wrote about how I'd feel so uncomfortable but freeze and not know what to say other than people pleasing. I journaled about it enough that one day I noticed in the moment and said, "I don't tolerate being called names." Another time I said, "Is calling me a dumbass your way of making friendly banter? Because I find it very off-putting and disrespectful." Another time I said, "I don't want to talk to you if you are going to speak to me in that way." He got the message after a while, and most importantly, I now look back and can't believe I EVER had anyone speak to me in this way without immediately telling them off.
Thank you as ever, Lisa. I'm now able to hold and honour my boundaries like an adult, but recognise that I still codependently find myself justifying myself to the oher person - but at least I'm conscious of this. I allow myself the time to feel my feelings even if the other person is needing to instantly mend what has been broken and am honouring my original gut reaction when the other person continues to not respect what I'm asking for because they think they know me better than I know myself. Also, even though I hear and understand their explanation / excuse for forgetting that I'd set a boundary, I won't be rushed into forgiveness until I feel they're actually beginning to take me seriously and aren't motivated by making themselves feel better. I find all of this utterly draining, though, and by the end of communications the wheels start coming off and I start minimizing myself or putting myself down because that's what I'd always done. It takes time, I guess, to master the skill of holding your boundaries . It's exhausting and frustrating.
This is a fantastic video on a subject so needed for us empaths. I actually put it into action today when a huge boundary was crossed and I had to stand up for myself. I am prepared for the consequences, which may be significant. Thank you, Lisa.
Thank you, great video. I refer a lot of people to your work because you stay down to earth. "I feel..." is such a good way to begin sentences! It's so much more constructive (and self-responsible), so much more likely to lead to good constructive cooperative outcomes, than the accusatory pattern so many use in arguments. Accusatory like, "You did... " - sometimes even with name calling or pejorative statements like "that was an a-------- thing to do!" - is such an unhealthy approach, but we learn it from narcissistic parents or partners, that blame game we don't even realize we're running as a verbal assault. "I feel... when you..." also avoids another narcissist pattern of telling people in command form what to do or not do, "Don't ever do that to me again!" We can often get a caring person to change their behavior if we feel hurt by it, but not by attacking them. If you really want them not to do it again, don't attack them, tell them "I feel..." and maybe even explain how your childhood training makes that hurt so bad for you (don't offer this insight into your past to a narcissist, of course; they not only won't really care but will store it away to use against you later). And if the person doesn't change their unkind behavior, sometimes we have to look at whether we are taking responsibility for our own emotions too. Happiness is an inside job, after all. People with abandonment issues and codependency can expect too much from others because they're seeking enmeshment or the parenting they never had. For example, "I want you to sit on the sofa and watch sitcoms with me all evening so I feel comforted, even if that bores you and we're not interacting. Even if you're aching to use that time to write that book you're wanting to write, so your life has more meaning" is an enmeshment codependency thing. It's helpful to find activities to do together that are enjoyable to both, so you do spend some time together, of course, but neediness and expectations that go with it can be sabotaging and unfair to the partner. It's not their job to play babysitter. Unless we're living in a complete emotional desert in the relationship (they never want to spend time with us or be touched, for example) it's our job as an emotionally mature adult to find a hobby or learn to meditate so we can fill our own bucket, not just cling to them to make us feel okay or happy. So yeah, negotiations are important. Sometimes they can even lead to us examining our own patterns and growing healthier for the long term, like away from enmeshment. And "I feel..." is the best sentence starter, for sure. Thank you!
8:11 -> "... Iet's it be known they're not happy with this child ... you will see shame wash over the child " Long and rewarding journey back to wholeness. Thank you Lisa 🙏🌸
Thanks for mentioning the spiritual aspect, Lisa, that part is really important to my own path through life. Helps a lot to hear what you said about it.
This so resonates feeling emotional as I hear this is exactly how I am. I have started to stick up for myself but I know I don’t do it the right way. I get aggressive because I feel pushed to my limit.
I like that we are all saying the same things! I do that too it’s seriously SO HARD to stay gentle with people who appear to insist on repeatedly violating a boundary!
Excellent information Lisa. The story of my life. Both my parents were narcissists. I’m almost 57 & still have to listen to my mom’s crap. Good advice for me dealing with her.
This video is phenomenal.Thank you for throwing people a life raft. I always thought it was because of what the neighbors would think. Thank you for helping me and so many others. You took your dysfunctional past and turned it around to truly help yourself get healthy and others like you. You are truly an inspiration in helping people where there is a huge need in helping our society heal. Thank you for this video. You really do have to accept the truth as what you feel and stop trying to avoid that by always letting everyone else decide the truth for you. When I was 11 my mom told me I had to respect my elders. When I asked her "All of them?" Her answer was yes. Need I say more. What a horrible way to go thru life. Thanks once again.
Please get a degree before you counsel others you're only speaking out of your own experience which could mislead people please find a real job go to work everyday like everybody else
@@joannmiddleton1319 wow. Shaming and denigrating others says more about what's within you....than anything about them. It's like you're inadvertently confessing to self loathing. I hope you can heal. Moving along. EQ is at least as important as IQ. Maybe you could've investigated a wee bit, prior to your egoic posturing. -❤️someone who has studied psychology (including much regarding EQ) for decades, worked in medicine for over a decade & am now pursuing a PhD in neuroscience. Are those enough "qualifications" for you, majesty?
High School and college "associates" horrible treatment.....horrible words.... horrible behaviour. I walked away, yet they always show up in my business....funerals, sickness, new grandchild. They just just show up like bullies and battle-axes. No boundaries, no respect, no class.
It's really not your problem. Stop giving 2 sh*ts about what they think or feel. They don't matter. You do you; what you want and where you are going. Stop looking for acceptance and love. Love and accept yourself instead. Limit your contact with toxic people and call them out when they cross the line. Get comfortable with confrontation. Most people are full of sh*t.
Last night my narc. said something totally exaggerated and bitchy about a friend. I called him out and told him that it was untrue and uncalled for. He has gaslighted me for years causing unspeakable hurt and pain.
Good for you. Baby steps to the mile of being liberated from him. You did a great job choosing to stand your ground and of you were hurt or punished because of that you didnt deserve it and you are not the one at fault. Proud of you. 👏🏾
I see a complicated issue. On one hand, it is good to assert yourself, to feel like you have a self to protect. On the other hand, engaging with a truly narcissistic person in the normal way of asserting yourself will never “work” if the person truly is narcissistic. The conversation will feed their narcissistic “supply” and will not improve the situation. Narcissism exists on a scale which complicates things a bit. Hopefully you see points i am trying to make about “calling out” a person you suspect to be a narcissist. Good for you to feel assertive. Sounds like you still need recovery time or experience to handle next steps. You are in the tunnel...keep going to the light. :) Consider journaling...a conversation with yourself as opposed to a conversation with a person you see as a narcissist.
Honestly, calling him out will only make him hide it better next time. It is his character unfortunately as all narcissists. My ex used to talk crap about his close friend all the time. They are just POS
exactly - this is an adult process, of becoming an adult, and letting go of our childhood traumas and childhood memories, of how helpless we felt, and all the other things we felt due to our parents conscious and non-conscious behaviors towards us. Now its become our job (as adults) to undo all the things our parents did to us consciously or non-consciously. I saw that video, it was very informative, the mother playing and laughing with her child and then she just stops, smiling, laughing at the child and the child visually sees that mum has a different demeanour and the child visually picks up on it and it starts to cry, and then one minute later the mother goes back to smiling and laughing and engaging with the child and the child goes back to laughing and smiling with the mother.... so it does shows how much we pick up visually, intuitively, how much our environment effects us. I love your videos Lisa, (I been with you since day one.) Watching your video to me, its like having a great open conversation with a truly trusting, understanding friend/sister who just understand everything you are going through and we are growing together like great friends do.
I love love love so much how you explain these situations that make it so easy for me to finally understand what I'm trying to work through & fix🥰 I could listen to you over & over & over again & still learn new life skills! You truly have such a gift❤
Many, (if not most) people have been taught that speaking up for yourself is the same thing as being mean, being that big grisly bear like you mentioned. I don't know how many times I've had to explain this to numerous people who truly think that it is rude or mean to stick up for themselves, and they truly believe it will cause the situation to get worse and that if that happens, that it will be THEIR fault. It's sad how parents (especially in our culture) do not teach their children anything about emotional health.
Not only did you give me such a beautiful lesson why and how to stick up for myself, as you were speaking your wise words it took me back to a feeling as a child, a recollection of who I was interacting with, and the recall of m e shutting down my emotions with fear being the main reason. Thank you, thank you!!!!!!!!!!🥰
regarding the wrinkle comment, (the memory), that reminds me of that saying, "Death by a thousand cuts", small snark comments like that (like a jig saw puzzle), paints a picture bigger picture in our minds and each negative comment, kills us slowly, especially when they ( your parent, partner) are meant to love us and protects us from the big bad world - but the enemy is in your home.
What a synchronicity! I had a situation at work today where a patient crossed a boundary by not holding the distance and putting his chair near me and taking down his mask, telling me "It is still 1,5m, enough for corona!". The conversation hadn't even started and he came in and crossed a line, I told him he can leave the addiction unit and the hospital and that he wont get an admission in my unit. He became agressive and I had to call the security people, I was scared as hell, because the door was behind him and I had no possibility to leave the room. Luckily he left on his own. I was just standing there and looking in his eyes. He probaly did to me what was done to himself because he has a history of trauma and boundary violation.
"Once the herd accepts mandatory forcible vaccination, it's game over! They will accept anything, such as forcible blood and organ donation....... for the "greater good." We can genetically modify children and sterilize them. -- for the "greater good." Control sheep minds and you control the herd. Vaccine makers stand to make billions, and many of you in this room are investors. It's a big win-win!! We thin out the herd and the herd pays us for providing extermination services. Now, what's for lunch, huh?" ~Henry Kissinger in a speech to the World Health Council on Eugenics, Feb 25, 2009
By wearing a mask based on the media/governments fear mongering propaganda campaign aka the "Covid" nonsense, you are choosing to obey the satanic system by participating in its sorceries. Vaccines are NOT of God. Do you see hazmat containers on every street corner?? Do you see dead people laying in the streets (in real life, not on the Tell A Lie Vision which is pure theater)>?? No? Why? BECAUSE ITS COMPLETE BULLSHIT! ITS THE ORDINARY FLU. WAKE UP BEFORE THE LAST VESTIGAGES OF YOUR FREEDOM (AND MINE) ARE TAKEN AWAY BECAUSE OF YOUR SMUG AND WILLFUL IGNORANCE!!!!!! The two most destructive forces to mankind are fear and stupidity. The government runs on both. Want to Make a Lie Seem True? Say It Again. And Again. And Again...... Welcome to the “illusory truth effect,” a glitch in the human psyche that equates repetition with truth. Most people are dumber than a bag of hammers and dumb people create enslavement for ALL PEOPLE by believing the propaganda of evil communists who hate them and wearing communist muzzles over their mouths. Remember a few years back when all the sold out celebrities and musicians were doing the "shhhhh" symbol over their mouths with their finger? Same thing symbolically. Keep quiet, don't speak the truth, go along with the lie.
Very stressful for you. I was in a queue this morning and a man walked through it without a mask on. I calmly mentioned to him that he needed a face mask inside the building. He worked himself up into a frenzy being verbally threatening,abusive and aggressive. I stayed calm throughout, but I’ve been in survival ever since. It was so frightening how I processed the incident to mean my personal safety is at risk beyond the event. Still working on feeling safe again. Why do I do this?
When I first started learning about how to deal with verbal & emotional abuse, and learning about setting boundaries , I truly believed that I should just not show emotion, and not react to the abuse, to not say anything at all. But that did not work, because there's much more to it than that alone - it was just showing them that they had to work harder to get me to react, which made them work even harder and made it more severe, and mostly, it put a ton of pressure on me, thinking that I had to just be stronger and to take the abuse without it affecting me, like an inhuman amount of strength, like I had to be a robot with no human feelings. So, like the skills that Lisa teaches, there's much more to it than just not engaging with the abuser or narcissist. Some people will react positively to boundaries, some won't, and it depends on how to stick up for yourself properly.
You said MD. Ramani’s name, yay ! She’s one of my mentors, can’t get enough of her. Your on a different level also, had to say it 😂, the different personality’s are valuable. And I get different reactions from different people throughout the day, so having 31 different flavors is delish ! MD Carter is something else, he gets support and love from a cute little quiet dog named Gus, and with his lightness, I feel like Gus is mine Last but not least is Stephnie Lyn , she has changed my thinking 🤔. That’s 4 flavors and I love you all so much, I’m embracing my unusual oddness today.
You are teaching real life skills dear Lisa! I love all of your videos, but this one should be taught at school. You cleared away so many of my misconceptions about boundaries. No wonder they never really worked in the past. I took notes! So very grateful for You! Namaste!
As some one who suffered from S abuse throughout my whole childhood at the hands of my stepfather. I got to 45 being terrified of saying no to approaches of that kind. I would even if I didn't want to because I had no idea how to handle it. I was generally an assertive person but I had no idea how to manage that. I felt so dirty, ashamed and guilty. I guess I still can't handle it so now I never put myself in any situation that could put me in that position. That early conditioning goes extremely deep
I can’t even put into words how much this video means to me.....after decades of familial abandonment fear I’ve put up with gross narcissistic & emotional abuse which naturally carried over to my post-college relationships.....today, my late husband’s birthday, in honor of his heartbreaking childhood narcissistic abuse, my sons and I will insist, in all relationships, to STICK-UP for ourselves (with integrity).......no matter how long it takes or the feared consequence 💜💜💜💙💙💙Happy Birthday Mike❤️
Thank you Lisa🌹💐
❤🤗☀️
First time i watched this video i was in shock, i had to watch it again to understand what Lisa was saying. Thank you Lisa for opening up my mind, i thought i was the bad one in my family out of my other 3 brothers. I'm 50 yrs old and just starting to wake up after watching your video.
Thank u sooo much for the advice it helps me soo much
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I have learned that one important thing about sticking up for yourself is that it shows you very clearly who respects you and who doesn’t, and who you may need to get rid of in your life.
This is the hard part..that it isn't just setting the boundary it is the Following through. I will say. I'm not having this conversation and if it continues I just get up and walk away. Period. I used to do a bunch of "oh you don't mean that..that's not very nice then veered into acting LIKE them (ugly and I sure didn't feel better after) tears, apologies, trying to change the subject. Now. I unemotionally state the boundary and if breached deliver the consequences. It's tough. Honestly it was almost impossible until I shifted the paradigm. I USED to think oh their upset and can't control themselves but they do love me until the day when after a an episode, I off handedly remarked about how hard it must be for then to manage their "upset& temper" at work. They very nonchalantly informed me that they NEVER behaved this way at work, they'd get fired.
O M G. They COULD control themselves and their rages, they chose NOT TO. They was just no "payoff" at having restraint with me. Oh and my upset, hurt, heartbreak at the emotional battering? Mere dirt beneath their feet. Boundaries now. Just a note: when one paradigm shifts so do others. Paradigm. He lovees me Issue: all of the garbage abuse.
How can he do this if he loves me? Why it should be Impossible! Such a disconnect that he SAYS love but he DOES hateful. Rather than squirrel run that, flip it. What if he did not love me..could them he do all of these things? What if he hated me? Resented me? What about then?
BINGO.
Lisa is fabulous for holding a mirror up to our squirrel runs.
Yes!
Bingo! People who truly love and respect you will understand that your boundaries are important and they are not to cross them. If they can’t or won’t understand that, let them go. They are not worth your time or effort no matter how close or familial they may be
100%. Correct. It surely allows you to once you set those boundaries to be able to see those who says no one cares about your boundaries. It’s true they don’t. I have had to end relationships with family members, and the whole nine.. I no longer give chances over and over. Boundary is set and if you cross/break it. I end the relationship with you no matter who you are. And I never look back. PEROID.
@@leahweinberger583 I LOVE your comment. I have an almost identical history and thought pattern: "They don't mean that. Look at all the times we've had such fun together . . . "
I've even had the good luck to have a trusted friend who also happens to be a LPC tell me, after I would describe an abusive incident I was trying to make sense of, "Someone who loves you wouldn't do that." I heard her, but I didn't fully understand and accept what she said. How do you accept that your family of origin doesn't love you?!
When you said to flip this thinking around and stop asking 'how could someone who loves me do and say these things' and instead, consider whether someone who doesn't love you could do/say them. Absolutely they could! As painful as it is, it's almost a relief from the emotional whiplash and weird, confusing fog of trying to figure out the reason for their conduct toward me. It's simpler and much more logical to just accept that they can't, won't and don't love me for reasons of their own. I don't need to understand more than that.
Make sure that sticking up for yourself isn't explaining yourself.
My father just past away and the 2020 Thanksgiving holiday is coming up, what should i do.
True
@Orixá Rose 💯👍🏿♥️
but don't be too hard on yourself as you figure this out. You're gonna screw up. It's okay. Their standards are dumb and self-serving.
@@ccdm515 yes, I became surrounded by N’s because I was kinda acting like one and being used as a fuel source for multiple N’s. I started to think everyone was like that, but people have been so kind to my blunders, like SO damn sweet.
One thing I've noticed when I'd stick up for myself to narcissists is they would alway twist it around like I'm over reacting etc.. When they know full well I'm right. They love to gaslight. Sick and twisted manipulative people!
Wow, so relatable what you are saying! And the narcissist acts like they are victim.
Yes.. I was accused of being crazy...drama queen..soo good to finally see the real truth.💕
Those are the people you walk away from, and no longer associate with. You don’t try to change, reason, or explain to them, you just put them out of your life.
They are liars and very dangerous and need to be effectively dealt with. They need psychiatric help.
@@dawnhufton3068 me three
When you stick up for yourself or set a boundary appropriately, the reaction you get tells you a lot about the person you're dealing with, and lets you know which people are worth spending your time & effort with. Life is so short.
I read somewhere that this is the advice in some asian countries, and why they might smile if the boss is yelling at them. It's interesting how other cultures do things.
Yes. If the person doesn't respect you saying no or setting of boundries, there is a problem
@@treeluckfactory5710 Yes, thanks for sharing that, I appreciate it. It is interesting that some cultures include everything as a part of life, emotional, spiritual, etc, but here in the U.S., we separate everything, where some people ignore their feelings & emotions, etc, and think that some people don't even have emotions, or shouldn't. And the fact that our society is so materialistic, narcissistic, and capitalistic where money is the main concern, everything else gets pushed to the wayside.
@@vivere__ Exactly. I think the main problem is that we don't like to believe what we find out about someone when they show us their true colors (as in a pattern, I don't mean just once like if someone's having a bad day) - we want to believe that people are going to be good to us and are reasonable, especially our family members, so we treat them like they are adults when they show that they have the mentality of a child, and the next time we visit them, if they don't live up to what we hope they are, we are let down and hurt. Many people try and try again, hoping their abusive family members will surely treat them good, and they're let down time & again.
Love this comment. So true. It's easy as a co-dependent to cling to a relationship for fear of abandonment. But it's actually healthier to look out for our needs first and know that whatever happens is meant to happen either in the present moment or in the near future.
When you grow up in a home where there is violence, you are afraid to stand up for yourself. Standing up for yourself could result in getting hit.
Exactly.
Jennifer Syke Phoenix That's exactly right and it can continue into teenage and adult "relationships," then it's difficult to even think straight when people get angry etc. 😩
Yeah...I thought that, for a long time. Then I decided I could take it, call the cops, arrest him, restraining order. Boom he’s out!
Never did even TRY to hit me after that! It said, go ahead, do it, I dare you...
not afraid anymore... means a lot to me and says something to him, too
After 35 years he just quit.
This is true, but when you're older and realise that doing nothing actually hurts more than getting hit, or you have that feeling that you could get killed but no one will treat you in such this and that disgraceful way, then it is amoment where magic happens and you see different results and different reactions, and you know you can do it.
Consequently comes time when you also learn how to do it in a kind way where you respect your rights but also do not disrespect the other person.
It’s odd. I grew up with two different kinds of narcissists and I seem to have no problem standing up for myself. Even when it isn’t really necessary. Hmmm.
I am in a place in my life that I am okay with detachment. 😍 I am okay with not having the approval of anyone.
Been gone 2 years now. I am in the drivers seat of my Life with the help of God.🙏👑💪🌹😍
Your Free! Thank God!
Congratulations! I too am finally accepting detachment! Toxic people (blood or not!) have ZERO automatic "right" to your time and/or space in your life!
"In order to set a boundary, you need to be able to see into the future and recognize what's going to happen if I don't set this boundary"
So true. Hard knocks also teach us that :)
💯
We have been deceived by narcs in ways you cannot imagine! Time to set our boundaries and stand up against them! Please read my "About" info and PC users also watch the 2min video. Time to fight back and free ourselves!!!
Lara, for me, many times and most of the time I don't need to see into the future set a boundary. If asked something I do not wish to do, at that moment in time I did not see it coming but at that moment in time I can say no. That is me setting a boundary. That is me setting a boundary in the absolute now of my life. I truly see what you're talking about on some things. If you know somebody has a doctor's appointment and you expect they will ask you for a ride then I guess up ahead you could say you wouldn't be able to. But again, if it takes you by surprise and you say no, that is the boundary in the here-and-now with never seeing ahead. It seems to me that it takes a lot of g r o w t h to get to that point coming from the Cinderella life I came from. Good luck to us all!
Exactly. At some point I've recognized enough is enough of this abuse and criticism from others just so they can feel better about themselves by bringing others down. Set strong boundaries or cut ties is the best remedy if they don't want to change and do the right thing.
The dirty Narcissist has GOT to belittle you and cross your boundaries ... It regulates their emotions and boosts their self worth and self esteem.
Absolutely!! They're absolute FILTH on this front. Its the only way they can relieve their massive load of venom. They're sick and twisted MONSTERS!!
Sad but true. These type of people are sick in the head. They never want to look themselves in the mirror. Instead they love to project their insanity and insecurity on others.
@@sage7193 Google Gangstalking and see how this sickness has morphed into a movement with zero transparency, accountability or Justice!! I think one narc at a time is enough for anyone to have to deal with. Lol!!
@@emilygraham9968 Good advice! I completely agree. I've heard of that term. I will do more research on that. I've also wondered about it but have never researched it.Thanks!
@@emilygraham9968 Government is behind the gangstalking. The psychopathic "elite" that control the govt and media. They are also behind the entire "coronavirus" psyop. Pure fear propaganda so they can force a genocidal "vaccine" on everyone and gain complete and total control of their every move and thought. Why are people so STUPID! Why do they believe this BS?? Why do they acknowledge and obey this LIE?? The more idiots who comply with this psyop, the closer we ALL ARE TO LOSING EVERY LAST SHRED OF FREEDOM AND LIBERTY WE HAVE LEFT!!!
Some kids aren't allowed to stick up for themselves. If they don't do what the control freak wants, it gets worse.
:(
Yep!
My mom always taught me how to take humiliation and abuse but never taught me how to stick up for myself. she's passed away may she rest in peace but she was an extreme abuser too.
I grew up in an environment like that. I remember when the narc had friends over - I just finished making eggs (prior to their arrival) I asked if she wanted and she answered no.
As soon as I finished making it, she goes: “make me some eggs too”. When I gave her the eggs, she was so overtly critical (mind you she rarely cooked and when she did she was so obnoxiously lazy most times ruining the food). Her friends started laughing and I instantly shouted:”if you didn’t like the way I made them then you should’ve made them yourself”. Silence took the room and later she scolded me about it, but now that I’m 26. I realized that my parents should’ve never had kids!
Yeah. They don't like rebels lol.😂
Right on the nail! Childhood Emotional Neglect causes the kid to feel like they need to put their feelings aside and put themselves on the back burner for the needs of others. The child doesn’t develop a sense of self that is inwardly focused. You cannot understand boundaries or know how to stand up for yours if you are in a place where you actually don’t exist. It’s the exact opposite of narcissism.
Ugh.. learned helplessness comment hit hard. Is that why I look like a deer in headlights whenever someone crosses a boundary....
This is a labor of love you are doing Lisa and I'm brought to tears is I listen to the quality of your voice as you speak about your mom' and her nability to stand up for herself. So obvious how much work you've done to regain yourself. Thankfully opened up one of your videos. Riveting.
You are enough🙏
The Narcissist will punish you if you push back or don't obey. This could go to real extremes like leaving you outside in the dead of Winter like some abused animal.
one of mine left me on the side of a highway
Yeah, I've had underclothes thrown in dirty toilet water then trashed right in front of my eyes. And I wanted to know what would make one do this. I didn't have any of this knowledge then.
Yep.. both my parents & ex partners! I def felt like an abused animal with no where to go. So grateful I have my own safe space now ❤
Wow...... 55......You're beautiful... You're such a beautiful inspiration. 💕
Spot on so enlightening
Yes, very beautiful and smart
😲 No Way!! 💖
I've noticed that many of us empaths age well even though we should look like hell from what we've been through. I've read about this many times as well.
🌷
'You cannot be tied to the outcome' - crucial advice for me. Thank you.
Wow.
Yeah.
I was beaten as a child for trying to say so. Then it happened again in adulthood. 24 years worth of it. Gaslit. Beaten and abused. Told I was nuts and should be in an insane asylum.
I'm now learning this at 45 years old. Thank you for this video you are an Angel
Hey Maiden
@@daviddickenson1243 yes?
Your so brave!!!!!!!!!!
Same here, hang in there
I can relate. If I even ask a question to my narcissist mother I was hit, slapped, and kicked. I tried all my childhood to get my mother to love me. Then at the age of 21 when my mother kicked me I told her off. I realized I could never get her love. I found friends who became my family and loved me.
Many who grew up neglected and/or abused lack a sense of self and worth BECAUSE they grew up in UNSAFE environments. That can’t be emphasized ENOUGH.
It’s one thing I can’t stand hearing said. Like not having a sense of worth is something I just lack out of the blue. It wasn’t a choice for me to DEVELOP A HEALTHY SENSE OF SELF ESTEEM AND BOUNDARIES because the parents I was born to and raised by were constantly threatened by my authentic self and feelings, etc. Their self-protective response was to effectively shut me down, to keep me small to make themselves feel better/safer/more capable than me.
It’s really important for those, like me, to BEGIN HEALING by hearing that it’s not a personal failing on our part or just something we didn’t figure out. It’s what HAPPENED *TO* US.
When I hear my experience mirrored back to me, I feel understood and that’s all I needed to begin my healing path. It sounds small or unimportant, but for me, it’s everything.
Unfortunately, even after engaging several counselors, I couldn’t find someone to do that with me, so I learned to validate myself. I am not a person who struggled with my worth. I knew I had worth. *I struggled to feel safe enough to assert myself in my worth with others due to the emotional and physical abuse I endured at my parents’ hands.* This is important to get right and talk about specifically. It’s a safety issue and an ownership issue. They did things to me that caused my normal, self-protective response IN THAT CONTEXT to not trigger their wounds (by shrinking and complying to their emotional demands). But seeing it clearly like that just opens the door to saying, because I realize it’s true now, I wasn’t safe then so that’s how I needed to be then to cope. But now I am safe because *I keep myself safe* (by recognizing my needs and responding appropriately to them, including by setting boundaries) and that means I can show how much I do value myself. I can be me openly, finally, without fear of reprisal, from others who are/were threatened by me. For many of us survivors, it’s less about building a self esteem but rather about building a sense of safety to *release our real sense of worth out where others can see it.*
As a chronic people-pleaser, I sincerely thank you for explaining all of this♡
I'm 36 and have always struggled with this. Recently I stood up for myself at work and pushed back as I've been working on myself in a support network. It's the first time I've really done this and was hard but necessary to love myself. I panicked and went quiet at first then I went back and expressed how they made me feel and picked them up on it. I felt so empowered and also more respect for myself. Thankyou for explaining the panic I felt and know what wa happening. I appreciate your work
Sometimes freezing has gotten me out of the immediate abusive situation( first freeze, then remove the body from danger). It did not feel like I was responsible for what they were saying. It was not safe to make a response other than getting out. Then thinking about what kind of response I could make from a distance. Freezing and not trying to defend myself, stopped them from being able to use my responses against me in their smear campaign (they attacked in front of witnesses). My reptile brain stopped me from making a bad situation worse. It picked up my devastate psyche along with my body and got me to a safe place. Once safe, my mind could catch up with the new information, and deal with it. My threat assessment system is smarter then me in those situations. It does not care what I think if it decides that someone wishes me harm and can carry out the threat. It felt pretty crap, but I could not have walked out of there under my own steam.
Reminds me of the saying “you don’t need to attend every argument that you’re invited to “
So glad you are out of the torture
This was actually my situation as a kid. I always froze because to stick up for yourself was just to constantly be in even more trouble. As an adult I need to practice sticking up for myself and being more assertive.
Linnaia Crist -I still freeze when narc of 40 year marriage will pull his stuff out of left field, more like shock. I go off on my own into another room and try and decipher what just happened. I do stick up for myself but in my mind-he wouldn’t understand if I always tell him the truth of the way of things. He is too famous for blaming me or sweeping it all under the rug. Yes I do feel sorry for him but honestly it doesn’t make me yearn to stay .
This lock down has really helped me to start to find the true me, and Lisa's vids are opening me up to how ive not had boundaries throughout my life from my childhood, and I need to grow strong and self accept, and not isolate when the Cov 19 passes, but its going to be hard meeting new people now Im 60yrs old, not in bad shape but Im on the sick with depression and anxiety battling addiction and have little hope of finding a partner,but Ive found me and you know ? I think Im ok ,Im an ok person after all, thank you Lisa and life's lessons
I am on the same journey...we’ll get there. Age is an illusion
♥️♥️♥️
I recommend czeck out David Snyder if you like
Thank you for these video's.
Hey Mark im62years old and facing the same dilemna..but finding yourself is so freeing! We willmake it!! Its better to be alone than to be with even one narcisst
“Healthy adults know what their boundaries are.” 🙏🏼
When the narc said to me,
“I love you”, my boundary mode sparked back with
“Like a pig loves mud”.
Boundaries set-boundaries met!
Omg.... I love that!!
So much information is contained within this that anyone could use this to personally develop. Our childhood emotional development comes from a limited range of ideas, infused normals no matter who you are. To me those that have been through the worse & dive deep , eventually are the most woke people on earth.
Only wounded soldiers can serve ❤️
Bible says "humility comes before honor".....The narc's want the honor all for themselves, upfront and without any real effort, introspection or work and their father satan is glad to give it to them (in this present life, that is). Not so in the next.
Yes there is soooo much information in this and so much work can be done from this one message!
So true! I believe so too.
Biggest battles to the strongest!
"Setting and sticking to our boundaries is pulling away from codependency and seeking external validation" One of the many gems from this video. Lots of love, Lisa
Thanks for pointing this out
I did this and starded noticing i would panic less. Starded seeing people noticed that something was going on and seeing them worried taking care of me. It helped me to not care alot to stand up and be firm. When i left i wasnt having anxiety. After 3 days starded seeing clear and know whats mine and whats not. I see alot of things I didnt before.
"I don't have to tolerate being abused!" Thank you! ;D
Absolutely! You have to say no to caretaking all the time and pay attention to your needs even if people get upset. Being the go to for everybody is not the healthiest thing. Balance!
AMEN
I'm beginning to do this for me, and my family and friends don't like it.Oh well!!
Yes, I have a friend who is a user. She expects everyone to cater to her. She always wants to be driven for lunch or gatherings. She manipulates the conversations and wants to be the main person talking. I can only stand to be around her bits at a time. I finally told her she needs to find another person to take her places. She is so angry…I did the right thing🙋♀️👍🕊
In almost all of my relationships (family, friends, work) I am the common denominator. There's something about me/something that I do or don't do that allows people to think they can disrespect me. I wished that I knew how to stand up for myself as a child...life would have been soo much different (in a better way for sure). I say all of this but I am no victim...just taking responsibility.
I feel the same way! Thank you for putting it into words
I feel this way too
If you're reading this, you have a voice. You matter. Thank you, Lisa, for explaining this process in a very tangible way an inner child can understand.
Sticking up for yourself can be an extremely complicated process... however some people make it look like it can be easily done. It's been a slow process for me, but I'm learning that by watching these self-help videos and reaching out to the vast community that exist within them, it is possible to develop the tools needed to become a stronger person. The process of learning how to use these tools is developed the same way any other talent is developed; by practicing. Thank you for everything that you do Lisa and my heart goes out to everyone who has had to suffer any form of abuse 💕
I would like to find videos that demonstrate HOW to "stick up for yourself" or set boundaries or respond to hurtful comments.
I walk away an then i think i should of said that back but its to late
Try to be quick in respoding aint easy i used to find my self freaking out an swaring then i look like a nut case
@@Riante59 Lisa can help you with all that.
@@paulsimpson8255 I was and am the same way. I have learned it’s absolutely not your fault. You can’t respond. It’s part of PTSD. It’s a subconscious way of survival. I would get so mad at myself for freezing and not saying anything. I would walk off thinking why didn’t I say ….
Counseling has really helped me to overcome the PTSD.
May God direct your steps to healing. 💙🕊
Thanks! You've just explained 20 years of my life! Crazy thing is... people are surprised to see me thrive.
I learned saying 'no' in my late 40 s, this with a lot of therapy
I love the word “no”. With no explanation …just “no”. It works great “sometimes”…often actually. It’s like a magic word that gets rid of a lot of stress. 👍👍👍
I thank my current partner who encouraged me to stand up to myself and set boundaries and I'm now the queen of standing up dor myself
Were I your mom I would remain silent too... you either walk away from a narcissist, or just shut up. You can never ever have a constructive argument with a narcissist, so why bother.
You are so clean in your presentation, that it is a real benefit to your followers. At 72, you are spelling out my life, marriages, and family; to the extent, that I have changed my thinking on each relationship I have ever been in. The traps that they set, are not obvious to us when a person is a narcissist. You will never know how many lives you have changed to understand what response is a healthy and positive emotional reaction. Thank you so very much!
I never could see the bigger picture. This video on standing up for myself as well as another from Women of Impact about an ex-secret service agent's tactics to stay calm and confident under pressure gave me the gift of foresight. I CAN FINALLY PLAN OUT THE FUTURE, instead of getting scared in the middle of danger and crumbling to escape. Thank you Lisa. 🧡
Oooo..Thank you for sharing. I’m going to watch that Women of Impact episode. I am so glad you have learned these skills and are able to implement them. It gives me hope I can do the same. Much love to you. 💕
When you're sticking up for yourself you may not win... but you will feel empowered
This is so true. I keep ending up with bosses who seem to be narcissistic. It feels like if I stick up for myself then there's repercussions. But there is anyway so I might as well stick up for myself. I know I don't deserve the treatment. I'm also not a mind reader.
part of turning him off me was letting him know i didnt require his affirmations or criticisms..
Dear Lisa, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, books, advise and support! very kind of you to do so...
I love the idea of being able to say to someone with clarity and honesty, "I accept that you don't respect or value me. Goodbye." I'm doing it!
I am so amazed by your flow of thought and how effortlessly you teach such wisdom. Thank you for doing this no doubt so much healing is happening because of it.
Wow THANK you! You just described what I went thru over last 2 yrs! Living with 2 relatives-one with borderline personality & the other a narcisist! Yes it's been a huge spiritual awakening! I prayed a lot during their chaos & I felt like God was saying,"Watch now as all the masks come off & it's time for you to face the truth of who you've lived with!
The day I nicely said I'd like my room to be off limits while I was at work. I observed signs my boundaries were not honored! It seemed like I was living in a nightmare carnival where they did everything I asked them not too!!
Realizing they refused to respect my rights & practically la7ghed about it..I had to ask them both to move out. I suggested group family therapy they refused..so I had to face the painful truth I didn't mean as much to them as I thought if they wouldn't invest an hour of their time with me in therapy. Growing..was just not a future they saw or desired. It was difficult adjustment but truly the peace I have now is heavenly!
You described my people pleasing co dependency that started in childhood
Where I suppressed and concealed my true feelings and emotions because if I expressed my “unimportant “feelings or needs or put up healthy boundaries I was considered selfish, thoughtless and a troublemaker and I would be invalidated dismissed ,shamed ,and guilted
This has led into years of tolerating by having no boundaries not sticking up for myself and feeling I deserved being married to an abusive psychopath narcissist
Ex husband that exploited , punished and preyed on my learned helplessness
My weaknesses and vulnerabilities
I constantly felt like I was responsible to keep the peace and make everyone else happy while I and eventually my children have all suffered at the hands of their abusive dad
I'm astounded right now. You are describing me to a T. I have never been able to stand up for myself and not feel guilty about it. I've always felt disapproval from family and friends whenever I've tried to stand up for myself. I thought it was just my personality that I would freeze when people were rude or unkind
So true statement about getting freezed in the moment and not able to deal with the situation
Some people think they can walk all over you, thanks for bringing this up, I can learn more.
That experiment Lisa talked about regarding the babies and their emotionally unavailable and blank-faced mothers hurt my heart and spirit so much. They couldn’t pay me enough to do that to my babies-even if it’s for a few minutes. I couldn’t bear to see their little faces-confused and hurt by my indifference and silent treatment. This is how we, even as adults, feel when our narcissistic spouse acts this way towards us. At least we have the tools (thanks to Lisa) to deal with that. But children don’t and it’s heart-wrenching to think about-experiment or not.
Agonizing to even hear it
Me too...I felt pain!!
That experiment was evil & unnecessary.
Agreed. I can’t even walk past my cat without some kind of acknowledgment or a pat on the head. Can’t imagine disregarding a baby. My baby-ANY baby for that matter.
I knew I wasn't crazy. I know what I saw and would call it out. Told my mom about how my wife does this to hurt me and the baby too. I knew when she didnt answer phone, left me, go out and didnt see her I would have anxiety attacks till I saw her. Have nightmares at nigh. She starded doing this to the baby throwing her in the bed. Baby starded crying calling out for her. Didnt want nobody to touch her exept mom. Till I would make her pick up are daughter. The baby crying for her waking in the middle of th night traumatized like me. I said what kind of mother/parent would do this. Do they have no love for their kids. Do they even have compassion or feelings to do that to their baby. I said if she does that to the baby and don't care. Why would she care about doing it to me. Mom immediately put her head down in shame cause she knew she also did this to me when I was younger.
I always say that good people know when not to take advantage of another.....I do not like to think that MOST people will take advantage or push someone around who has weak boundaries.....
You are correct Most good ppl won't come in and rob you blind..but you do know the ones that will are out there so you lock your doors and buy a burger alarm. Self Protection is a self loving behavior.
I have been people pleasing for all my life. Saying how to say no has been the hardest thing in my life.
Best life coach ever. Thank you for what you do."Life is holographic." I'll never forget that.
I love how you break things down, you break it down to where anyone listening could comprehend and benefit from this. I love how you just get right to it. You have helped me recognize so much about myself. I had been told I was codependent when I was younger but it was described as a person raised by a substance abuser. I didn't understand that because my mom wasn't a SA but my maternal grandfather was an alcoholic. The therapist said that made me codependent. Now that I have your break down of it, it makes more sense to me. It even makes the previous definition I had make more sense, because it ties together. Thanks Lisa
After listening to Lisa, one of my Digital Life Coach. Its a Mind Flip, a Relabel that Penetrates into deep Emotion, giving you Great Confidence in yourself. Im Grateful my Eyes are being Opened
My mother is a narcissist and totally undermined me with my children and now as adults they disrespect and put me down. It was like she had no idea the things she did were hurting the parent and child relationship or else didn't care. It definitely was a family pattern passed down thru the generstions. I have told my children repeatedly that I am sorry that I that I yelled and screamed too much at them that I wish could have been a better parent to them. My mom refuses to see that she did anything wrong. Even when I graduated from University with my BA, sense it was a degree in psychology and was a "soft science" compared to my younger brothers masters in electrical engineering, my accomplishments with my education dont really mean anything. I think she was secretly afraid I would figure her games out, she resented me.
I'm sure that's true. Thank you for sharing.
Sorry to hear this. My parents are why I never had children. I didn’t want to inflict on them what my parents dud
The truth is at first painful, but to speak it out, helps. 🍀 👍🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟💓
I choose to walk away and taught my daughters the same. When they can;t respect your boundaries it's time for them to go.
Yes people get a shock when you start setting boundaries. I started a few weeks ago, when devine helped me open my throat chakra, boy did it feel empowering.
You look beautiful 55 thriving and gorgeous I love it
Yeah she looks great. You can't guess her age.
Thank you Lisa!! My boundaries are growing, strong, and I feel confident! I’m continuing to work daily on myself and I’m worth it! 😊❤️
It is extremely uncomfortable to set boundaries and to reinforce them. Thank you for this timely video. I character assassinated and I regret it. I sent the message in such a knee jerk reaction. I feel horrible.
Not when you become aware that the sick feelings in your gut IS NOT THEM TAKING ADVANTAGE.
Its you not standing up for yourself.
I agree,but at 56 am forcing myself to confront the boundary pushers.I don't want to spend any more time being walked over.
Since my mother died, my father needs help. My sister and I have an estranged relationship. It's been a power play trying to care for dad. It's too much to layout here but it's been difficult .
Steven Hoog I was wondering I have bad issues with my stomach bad issues standing up bad issues from childhood ... I was silenced ...
lopezbernadine82 that’s the hardest part is trying to understand how family can act like that ... but it doesn’t mean anything to them n they know it means the world to you n they will try to hurt with it ...
Learned helplessness theory 🤯 thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience. It is so awesome how you articulate yourself and it totally resonates. I feel like a child in adult body sometimes but I am developing awareness so I can grow up and be a good parent.
I'm 40 and I'm learning about myself 💗 Just had a recent conversation with my mom and dad. My husband and I wanted to have a visit with them over the phone and my mom wondered with my dad if we were calling to ask for $. My dad heard her and assumed that's why we were calling. He called and launched into this whole weird speech about work and how he held down 3 jobs at one point, blah blah blah. We had no idea why he was going on and on about this? At one point he called me "Part-Time Jenn". I got pissed. I reminded him of all the FT jobs I've had, the EIGHT YEARS I ran a business with my Narc ex, working 60+ hours a week due to my abusive ex workaholic 😡 my dad WORKED for us!! Did he just forget?! WTH?! His comments were abusive. And would have crushed me if I hadn't been working on my self esteem and self worth the last 2 years. My dad assumed things and didn't even bring it to the table in a healthy way. My mom sat on the line and said _nothing._ 😡
Whatever. I'm healthy....they aren't there yet.
I started to pay for counselling though have now quit as UA-cam is free and I find content such as yours much more insightful than what I was paying for!!!!! 💙
YES YEA YES A THOUSAND TIMES OVER!!I can watch this ALL DAY not just have 45 mins of trauma with a person who does not know me at all!! Who makes me pay 100 dollars!!!
I dont say this enough......
THANK YOU!
Lisa, this really hit home with me today. So, I spoke up to my son. Stood my truth and ended the conversation with "We can agree to disagree. That is okay." But I had the conversation and spoke my truth. Huge!!!
I definitely do what you comment on at the 16 minute mark, I expect people to take a hint rather than flatly set boundaries, I also get bewildered when people agree a set of “rules” for an occasion, task or favour and then flatly disregard them, getting angry when I then refuse to fulfill my part of the bargain!
Always happens with narc. I started screaming and running at them with with fists flying. The bitches do back up.
I also warned that my best friend "crow" last name "bar" is ready to handle the situation.
I am 57 year old male on self development journey and have been navigating all of the resources out there and I have to tell you I hang on every word you say because I feel the truth in what you offer and I want to thank you personally every bit of info you offer is right I can feel it to my core so I would like to thank you for everything you do.
I grew up in a household with TWO narcissists. Listening to this, I realized the adult narcissist only showed empathy for what the child narcissist was putting me through as a hoover for me or an attempt to control the child narcissist; they never actually did anything to prevent or change it, and they acted as if *I* was the one who needed professional help when I rebelled against living in that situation--yup, it was my fault, not either of theirs. I have a certain amount of sympathy for the child narcissist today (we're both adults) realizing the adult narcissist made them that way, but low-contact is still the best I can offer either of them.
i read back to my journal entries from 2020, 2 years ago, and also the time of this video being posted. I found an entry about a coworker at my old job who kept speaking to me very disrespectfully. He'd always respond to things I said with "What are you stupid?" "Are you an idiot?" I told him I picked up a side gig during covid and so I wasn't available on certain days. He said "What are you an idiot? You'd rather get paid by a second job than work overtime?" I wrote about how I'd feel so uncomfortable but freeze and not know what to say other than people pleasing. I journaled about it enough that one day I noticed in the moment and said, "I don't tolerate being called names." Another time I said, "Is calling me a dumbass your way of making friendly banter? Because I find it very off-putting and disrespectful." Another time I said, "I don't want to talk to you if you are going to speak to me in that way." He got the message after a while, and most importantly, I now look back and can't believe I EVER had anyone speak to me in this way without immediately telling them off.
This is
This is what I need
"This is what I need, to say....".
I could say that
more, often.
You are God sent!
Thank you as ever, Lisa. I'm now able to hold and honour my boundaries like an adult, but recognise that I still codependently find myself justifying myself to the oher person - but at least I'm conscious of this. I allow myself the time to feel my feelings even if the other person is needing to instantly mend what has been broken and am honouring my original gut reaction when the other person continues to not respect what I'm asking for because they think they know me better than I know myself. Also, even though I hear and understand their explanation / excuse for forgetting that I'd set a boundary, I won't be rushed into forgiveness until I feel they're actually beginning to take me seriously and aren't motivated by making themselves feel better. I find all of this utterly draining, though, and by the end of communications the wheels start coming off and I start minimizing myself or putting myself down because that's what I'd always done. It takes time, I guess, to master the skill of holding your boundaries . It's exhausting and frustrating.
This is a fantastic video on a subject so needed for us empaths. I actually put it into action today when a huge boundary was crossed and I had to stand up for myself. I am prepared for the consequences, which may be significant. Thank you, Lisa.
Thank you, great video. I refer a lot of people to your work because you stay down to earth.
"I feel..." is such a good way to begin sentences! It's so much more constructive (and self-responsible), so much more likely to lead to good constructive cooperative outcomes, than the accusatory pattern so many use in arguments. Accusatory like, "You did... " - sometimes even with name calling or pejorative statements like "that was an a-------- thing to do!" - is such an unhealthy approach, but we learn it from narcissistic parents or partners, that blame game we don't even realize we're running as a verbal assault.
"I feel... when you..." also avoids another narcissist pattern of telling people in command form what to do or not do, "Don't ever do that to me again!" We can often get a caring person to change their behavior if we feel hurt by it, but not by attacking them. If you really want them not to do it again, don't attack them, tell them "I feel..." and maybe even explain how your childhood training makes that hurt so bad for you (don't offer this insight into your past to a narcissist, of course; they not only won't really care but will store it away to use against you later).
And if the person doesn't change their unkind behavior, sometimes we have to look at whether we are taking responsibility for our own emotions too. Happiness is an inside job, after all. People with abandonment issues and codependency can expect too much from others because they're seeking enmeshment or the parenting they never had. For example, "I want you to sit on the sofa and watch sitcoms with me all evening so I feel comforted, even if that bores you and we're not interacting. Even if you're aching to use that time to write that book you're wanting to write, so your life has more meaning" is an enmeshment codependency thing. It's helpful to find activities to do together that are enjoyable to both, so you do spend some time together, of course, but neediness and expectations that go with it can be sabotaging and unfair to the partner. It's not their job to play babysitter. Unless we're living in a complete emotional desert in the relationship (they never want to spend time with us or be touched, for example) it's our job as an emotionally mature adult to find a hobby or learn to meditate so we can fill our own bucket, not just cling to them to make us feel okay or happy.
So yeah, negotiations are important. Sometimes they can even lead to us examining our own patterns and growing healthier for the long term, like away from enmeshment. And "I feel..." is the best sentence starter, for sure. Thank you!
8:11 -> "... Iet's it be known they're not happy with this child ... you will see shame wash over the child "
Long and rewarding journey back to wholeness.
Thank you Lisa 🙏🌸
Thanks for mentioning the spiritual aspect, Lisa, that part is really important to my own path through life. Helps a lot to hear what you said about it.
Me too!!!
self awareness is key, Respect yourself, your feelings matter, listen to them!
This so resonates feeling emotional as I hear this is exactly how I am. I have started to stick up for myself but I know I don’t do it the right way. I get aggressive because I feel pushed to my limit.
I like that we are all saying the same things! I do that too it’s seriously SO HARD to stay gentle with people who appear to insist on repeatedly violating a boundary!
Excellent information Lisa. The story of my life. Both my parents were narcissists. I’m almost 57 & still have to listen to my mom’s crap. Good advice for me dealing with her.
This video is phenomenal.Thank you for throwing people a life raft. I always thought it was because of what the neighbors would think. Thank you for helping me and so many others. You took your dysfunctional past and turned it around to truly help yourself get healthy and others like you. You are truly an inspiration in helping people where there is a huge need in helping our society heal. Thank you for this video. You really do have to accept the truth as what you feel and stop trying to avoid that by always letting everyone else decide the truth for you. When I was 11 my mom told me I had to respect my elders. When I asked her "All of them?" Her answer was yes. Need I say more. What a horrible way to go thru life. Thanks once again.
Lisa, sooo sweet u noticed and cared about your moms feelings
I need this! My entire life. THANK YOU❤
You look great for 55 and are one of my main go to people for advice on this subject. Thank you.
EQ is as important as IQ. Namaste 🙏🏻
read wrong the first time lol.. edgy
Please get a degree before you counsel others you're only speaking out of your own experience which could mislead people please find a real job go to work everyday like everybody else
Beautifully stated 👏
@@joannmiddleton1319 wow.
Shaming and denigrating others says more about what's within you....than anything about them.
It's like you're inadvertently confessing to self loathing. I hope you can heal.
Moving along. EQ is at least as important as IQ. Maybe you could've investigated a wee bit, prior to your egoic posturing.
-❤️someone who has studied psychology (including much regarding EQ) for decades, worked in medicine for over a decade & am now pursuing a PhD in neuroscience.
Are those enough "qualifications" for you, majesty?
High School and college "associates" horrible treatment.....horrible words....
horrible behaviour. I walked away, yet they always show up in my business....funerals, sickness, new grandchild. They just just show up like bullies and battle-axes. No boundaries, no respect, no class.
Keep smiling and WALK gently awaaaay❤️
@@tmo.48 😳 At the funeral ?
Yep. Class reunions ? No thanks.
@@bradmcewen Noooo. Not class reunions. I do not go.
They show up when there is a funeral in my family or a birth, etc.
It's really not your problem. Stop giving 2 sh*ts about what they think or feel. They don't matter. You do you; what you want and where you are going. Stop looking for acceptance and love. Love and accept yourself instead. Limit your contact with toxic people and call them out when they cross the line. Get comfortable with confrontation. Most people are full of sh*t.
As I studied 'Human Development ' I began to understand the narcs, in my childhood damn painful truths. Thank you 🕯💜🕯
55 ? That is insane ! You look so young ! You are gorgeous ! Wonderful pearls of wisdom as always !
Last night my narc. said something totally exaggerated and bitchy about a friend. I called him out and told him that it was untrue and uncalled for. He has gaslighted me for years causing unspeakable hurt and pain.
Good for you. Baby steps to the mile of being liberated from him. You did a great job choosing to stand your ground and of you were hurt or punished because of that you didnt deserve it and you are not the one at fault. Proud of you. 👏🏾
I see a complicated issue. On one hand, it is good to assert yourself, to feel like you have a self to protect. On the other hand, engaging with a truly narcissistic person in the normal way of asserting yourself will never “work” if the person truly is narcissistic. The conversation will feed their narcissistic “supply” and will not improve the situation. Narcissism exists on a scale which complicates things a bit.
Hopefully you see points i am trying to make about “calling out” a person you suspect to be a narcissist. Good for you to feel assertive. Sounds like you still need recovery time or experience to handle next steps. You are in the tunnel...keep going to the light. :)
Consider journaling...a conversation with yourself as opposed to a conversation with a person you see as a narcissist.
Honestly, calling him out will only make him hide it better next time. It is his character unfortunately as all narcissists. My ex used to talk crap about his close friend all the time. They are just POS
And I guess you should have left him a long time ago instead of trying to play a victim that you have allowed for yourself
Gaslighted you for years yet you only told him last night - well hopefully the light bulb has only just gone on then
exactly - this is an adult process, of becoming an adult, and letting go of our childhood traumas and childhood memories, of how helpless we felt, and all the other things we felt due to our parents conscious and non-conscious behaviors towards us. Now its become our job (as adults) to undo all the things our parents did to us consciously or non-consciously.
I saw that video, it was very informative, the mother playing and laughing with her child and then she just stops, smiling, laughing at the child and the child visually sees that mum has a different demeanour and the child visually picks up on it and it starts to cry, and then one minute later the mother goes back to smiling and laughing and engaging with the child and the child goes back to laughing and smiling with the mother.... so it does shows how much we pick up visually, intuitively, how much our environment effects us.
I love your videos Lisa, (I been with you since day one.) Watching your video to me, its like having a great open conversation with a truly trusting, understanding friend/sister who just understand everything you are going through and we are growing together like great friends do.
I love love love so much how you explain these situations that make it so easy for me to finally understand what I'm trying to work through & fix🥰 I could listen to you over & over & over again & still learn new life skills! You truly have such a gift❤
Many, (if not most) people have been taught that speaking up for yourself is the same thing as being mean, being that big grisly bear like you mentioned. I don't know how many times I've had to explain this to numerous people who truly think that it is rude or mean to stick up for themselves, and they truly believe it will cause the situation to get worse and that if that happens, that it will be THEIR fault. It's sad how parents (especially in our culture) do not teach their children anything about emotional health.
This is great but narcissistic people never will do any of this
Can’t worry about what they do. Just stay firm with what you do
@Stephanie Windler truth
Lisa this is Robin Simmons- thank you for your daily teaching and motivation
Not only did you give me such a beautiful lesson why and how to stick up for myself, as you were speaking your wise words it took me back to a feeling as a child, a recollection of who I was interacting with, and the recall of m e shutting down my emotions with fear being the main reason. Thank you, thank you!!!!!!!!!!🥰
regarding the wrinkle comment, (the memory), that reminds me of that saying, "Death by a thousand cuts", small snark comments like that (like a jig saw puzzle), paints a picture bigger picture in our minds and each negative comment, kills us slowly, especially when they ( your parent, partner) are meant to love us and protects us from the big bad world - but the enemy is in your home.
What a synchronicity! I had a situation at work today where a patient crossed a boundary by not holding the distance and putting his chair near me and taking down his mask, telling me "It is still 1,5m, enough for corona!". The conversation hadn't even started and he came in and crossed a line, I told him he can leave the addiction unit and the hospital and that he wont get an admission in my unit. He became agressive and I had to call the security people, I was scared as hell, because the door was behind him and I had no possibility to leave the room. Luckily he left on his own. I was just standing there and looking in his eyes. He probaly did to me what was done to himself because he has a history of trauma and boundary violation.
"Once the herd accepts mandatory forcible vaccination, it's game over! They will accept anything, such as forcible blood and organ donation....... for the "greater good." We can genetically modify children and sterilize them. -- for the "greater good." Control sheep minds and you control the herd. Vaccine makers stand to make billions, and many of you in this room are investors. It's a big win-win!! We thin out the herd and the herd pays us for providing extermination services. Now, what's for lunch, huh?" ~Henry Kissinger in a speech to the World Health Council on Eugenics, Feb 25, 2009
By wearing a mask based on the media/governments fear mongering propaganda campaign aka the "Covid" nonsense, you are choosing to obey the satanic system by participating in its sorceries. Vaccines are NOT of God. Do you see hazmat containers on every street corner?? Do you see dead people laying in the streets (in real life, not on the Tell A Lie Vision which is pure theater)>?? No? Why? BECAUSE ITS COMPLETE BULLSHIT! ITS THE ORDINARY FLU. WAKE UP BEFORE THE LAST VESTIGAGES OF YOUR FREEDOM (AND MINE) ARE TAKEN AWAY BECAUSE OF YOUR SMUG AND WILLFUL IGNORANCE!!!!!!
The two most destructive forces to mankind are fear and stupidity. The government runs on both.
Want to Make a Lie Seem True? Say It Again. And Again. And Again......
Welcome to the “illusory truth effect,” a glitch in the human psyche that equates repetition with truth. Most people are dumber than a bag of hammers and dumb people create enslavement for ALL PEOPLE by believing the propaganda of evil communists who hate them and wearing communist muzzles over their mouths. Remember a few years back when all the sold out celebrities and musicians were doing the "shhhhh" symbol over their mouths with their finger? Same thing symbolically. Keep quiet, don't speak the truth, go along with the lie.
Because people don’t believe in this ‘plandemic’
Very stressful for you. I was in a queue this morning and a man walked through it without a mask on. I calmly mentioned to him that he needed a face mask inside the building. He worked himself up into a frenzy being verbally threatening,abusive and aggressive. I stayed calm throughout, but I’ve been in survival ever since. It was so frightening how I processed the incident to mean my personal safety is at risk beyond the event. Still working on feeling safe again. Why do I do this?
@@mrsp8999 Because you care, and thank you!
Yes!! Always took care of others. And groomed to do that.
Took me losing my health to wake up.
Tysvm.
Your videos have awakened me.
When I first started learning about how to deal with verbal & emotional abuse, and learning about setting boundaries , I truly believed that I should just not show emotion, and not react to the abuse, to not say anything at all. But that did not work, because there's much more to it than that alone - it was just showing them that they had to work harder to get me to react, which made them work even harder and made it more severe, and mostly, it put a ton of pressure on me, thinking that I had to just be stronger and to take the abuse without it affecting me, like an inhuman amount of strength, like I had to be a robot with no human feelings. So, like the skills that Lisa teaches, there's much more to it than just not engaging with the abuser or narcissist. Some people will react positively to boundaries, some won't, and it depends on how to stick up for yourself properly.
You said MD. Ramani’s name, yay ! She’s one of my mentors, can’t get enough of her. Your on a different level also, had to say it 😂, the different personality’s are valuable. And I get different reactions from different people throughout the day, so having 31 different flavors is delish ! MD Carter is something else, he gets support and love from a cute little quiet dog named Gus, and with his lightness, I feel like Gus is mine
Last but not least is Stephnie Lyn , she has changed my thinking 🤔. That’s 4 flavors and I love you all so much, I’m embracing my unusual oddness today.
You are teaching real life skills dear Lisa! I love all of your videos, but this one should be taught at school. You cleared away so many of my misconceptions about boundaries. No wonder they never really worked in the past. I took notes! So very grateful for You! Namaste!
As some one who suffered from S abuse throughout my whole childhood at the hands of my stepfather. I got to 45 being terrified of saying no to approaches of that kind. I would even if I didn't want to because I had no idea how to handle it. I was generally an assertive person but I had no idea how to manage that. I felt so dirty, ashamed and guilty. I guess I still can't handle it so now I never put myself in any situation that could put me in that position. That early conditioning goes extremely deep