Eye contact is the worst. My inner monologue usually goes like this “Ok, don’t forget to make eye contact or they’ll think you’re a sketchball. But don’t stare. Remember to look away occasionally. Don’t forget to make eye contact again. Am I staring? I feel like I’m staring. Let me look away for a second again. Now I’m looking away too long. They’re going to think I’m a weirdo. ARGH” By this point I’ve either lost my train of thought when I’m speaking or I’ve barely registered what the other person has said. Super fun 😭
Omg this is me, whenever i go to school meetings i purposelly force myself to do the eye contact thing so they percieve me as normal so they don’t take any irritation or comment i say as … i’m an angry unhinged overly-sensitive delusional parent instead of a rational one with justified annoyance, sounds stupid but i try and stat as calm and as neurotypical as i can, i once had a teacher talk about my kids and say, “yeah it must be hard being like that,” and i’m sat there sort of offended and sort of validated like YES the deception is working, she thinks i’m neurotypical, i did want to say “yeah must be hard being a human and struggling, completely alien concept, but yes being autisticnhas it’s challenges and that’s why i’m here asking for help so my kids get a better education experience than I did.” Befote being diagnosed i was sent to a counselling service, and the first thing the woman (who was lovely but bragged a lot about her own life and children’s success) any … the first thing she asked is why i don’t make eye contact (i didn’t know it was autism, i had no clue about it, really did not have any knowledge on autism despite my nephew being autistic, and not knowing my kids were) i thought it was all about me feeling self concious about how i look, or my buck-teeth, or my face which i hate, like my nose or watever so i just always put it down to me being ashamed of how i look, i didnt even know i didnt make eye contact until i was in my late 20’s and someone told me
I was just experiencing this at my sweet neighbors house yesterday. I kept smiling and nodding, thinking, “Make eye contact, don’t make too much eye contact. Make eye contact, don’t make too much eye contact. Why am I thinking about how much eye contact I’m making? Do other people do this? Make eye contact, don’t make too much eye contact, repeat.” I’m glad you posted this today. I’m grateful that one of my buddies is on the spectrum, and we usually sit next to each other or angled. I never feel weird not making eye contact with him. It’s great.
Tricia Kay I remember reading that eye contact showed trustworthiness however I took that, as expected, literally. I couldn’t understand why people didn’t keep the same eye contact I had with them, not knowing that my never-ending eye hold was nothing but odd. 😂
I started going back go public school before Corona hit and someone was leading me to a room that I needed to go to. It was quiet while we were talking at first, but then they started talking and so I was trying to respond and listen. But I wasn't paying much attention to what they were saying because I was focused on making eye contact. I had read or heard somewhere that eye contact is very important so I stared closely and didn't stop making eye contact unless I had to watch where I was walking. I feel bad for the person who was helping me because all they saw was a girl nodding her head and looking into their soul while they spoke.
I'm not autistic (as far as I know) and it is VERY hard and uncomfortable for me to look people in the eye, even my own husband and kids. I look at people's mouths instead. I am afraid people will notice and think I'm uninterested or being dishonest since I can't make eye contact. Very interesting to me to hear your perspective and know I'm not alone in this.
Why is looking at your own hub and kids in the eye difficult? You know them; you love them; they are your life. Most women think their hubby's eyes are gorgeous and their kids' eyes are beautiful. Why wouldn't you want to look into them, at least when nobody's talking (if eye contact is distracting when talking?). You may also be on the spectrum. Have you taken online autism tests?
I remember when I discovered the trick where you stare at the nose or between the eyes, and I was SO HAPPY because I was SURE that I had figured out this whole Normal Human Thing. Turns out I just got really, really good at making people super uncomfortable with extended unblinking eye contact.
Very informative! I learned that the reason NT people make eye contact is because it increases Oxytocin (feel-good hormone) and that for me it did the opposite. It feels as though a serious stress or fear chemical/hormone is released (possibly cortisol?) but often triggers anger and feelings of being violated. What she said about the brain makes perfect sense.
I'm thinking part of that might be because it's a confronting and vulnerable thing to do with another person, and that of course has overlap with other horrible things. A lot of people do not want to be in that position or feel those things (certainly not with some random-ass person).
@@raven4090 - Reading my comment again, it reminds me of customary kissing in some cultures. For many people, that's certainly not what they are comfortable with. But one can generally get more comfortable with it over time if they must.
@@Siberius- I hear you! Like when the pastor says to hug whomever you are standing next to in church. I did it, and acted happy about it, but I hated it because I didn't even know some of the people I was making contact with. I just told my mom in a conversation today (yet again) that even though she loves going it just gives me severe anxiety. I'm not going back now that I'm grown up. I can talk to God wherever I'm at.
@@raven4090 - Yea hardly anyone does the church thing these days, and so many of them are getting really political, too, telling people who to vote for, and even inviting candidates to speak and stuff. Weird. Then you got the megachurches and whatnot. It all feels pretty dodgy to me. I don't like people being put in a situation they might not all be comfortable with (for all sorts of reasons), but them feeling like they have to, because of peer pressure and not wanting to come across a certain way, not wanting the person beside them to feel a certain way, not wanting to draw attention to themselves, etc. Then it's also there's a pastor who is spreading the message of God or whatever, so people might feel like they're doing something wrong in the eyes of God if they don't comply with whatever the pastor says (which they should not feel bad). it's not the best of situations to be in there I think. Particularly with some churches/pastors.
How I can explain what making eye contact feels is like, if you accidentally walk in on some using the toilet. Naturally, most people would avert their eyes because it feels almost shameful, uncomfortable, like an invasion of privacy. I don't think most people would continue to stare at the individual on the toilet because it would be rude, and even feel threatening. That's how I feel when I make eye contact. When someone insists on maintaining eye contact it can feel almost like a threat or a challenge, like some sort of power play. I naturally divert my eyes because in my brain, I don't want to be rude or threatening, even though I know most people don't see it like that. If I want to make eye contact, I have to be very aware of it because naturally it feels wrong, even though rationally, I know it's not percieved like that by others, that they infact almost see it in the opposite way.
@@jelatinosa I don't give eye contact to conform. I give it to send the other person a message. For example if I go to a neighbor's house to inform him or her that their dog barks too much. If I avoid eye contact they won't feel any pressure to fix the problem. But if I give good eye contact they will take me seriously and maybe even be afraid I might "do something" if they don't fix the problem. If someone tries to intimidate me and I look 'em dead in the eye, they're more likely to back off. I speak all of this from experience. If I want someone to know my intent and state of mind, I give them eye contact. There are many other ways that I DON'T conform, but eye contact is crucial. I've made people back off just with eye contact alone. It cuts down on the number of words I need. Imagine arguing your case while avoiding eye contact. You'll lose every time. Though eye contact won't guarantee pursuasion, it surely bumps up the odds.
@@Shelloyd so basically you are saying that making eye contact is a threat. So you are agreeing with me. So why would people insist on eye contact in placid, cooperative scenarios when it's clearly meant to intimidate, be invasive and threatening. That's why I think mostly rude people or people who don't understand boundaries or are domineering really enjoy eye contact. As a social norm, it's created by a-holes for a-holes.
@@jelatinosa What may seem like a placid cooperative scenario could actually include a bad person scouting for someone to push around. The first person he or she will target is the most skittish, insecure looking person: the person avoiding eye contact. Don't get me wrong; I don't go around glaring my eyes into people. But everyone I meet needs to know that I'm confident, know my way, self-assured, and not vulnerable. Eye contact to establish these traits does NOT have to be "threatening" or a hard cold stare. If you perceive eye contact in general to be threatening, then you need to work on overcoming this. I have autism, and holding eye contact while I'M talking is distracting, but in all other scenarios, I give normal eye contact.
This is the only video on Aspie eye contact I've seen that fully relates how eye contact feels to me. 1. I can do it, but it takes up most of my focus; 2. Looking away makes it hard to look back but easier to express myself; 3. I don't feel pain from eye contact, but I do often feel like there is intention to hurt me. Like I'm anticipating pain. It is a sense of threat and fear. The more I learn about autism the more I'm relieved.
Possibly a fear of seeing rejection in the other's eyes. It's what I have. Level 1 diagnosed autism here, but this specific thing is level 2 with me. Good dash of inattentive ADHD too.
Yes! If I have to look at your eyes, I can't process what you're saying. 🤷♀️ So I end up with guessing the conversation and respond with "oh yeah?" "That's awesome" "that sucks." 🤦♀️ just hoping I heard enough to get it right, but with those responses, I can't actually contribute to the conversation. I do look around someone's head, just close enough that people think I'm making actual eye contact.
Eye contact is the bane of my existence. Even the “look at their nose/forehead” trick doesn’t work for me, it’s still super uncomfortable. For me it’s like an intense invasion of my personal space, almost like being touched by someone I haven’t given express consent to. I can meet someone’s eyes for a couple of seconds max, but then it’s too much and I HAVE to look away.
Doctors really do assume Autistic people never give eye contact. My son scored a bit high on his MCHAT. Pediatrician looks at it. "All kids with speech delays score high on this. He is giving eye contact. He is not autistic." Never referred to get tested. I went along convinced my son isn't on the spectrum. 3-4 years later he was diagnosed, after a few different people told me they thought he was on the spectrum.
I'm glad you had wise friends and he got diagnosed. Personally, after my experience with misdiagnosises and finally getting the right one at 51, in my opinion GP'S aren't qualified to say whether anyone is autistic or not because they're usually wrong.
@@raven4090 that General part is very important, yet they treat and diagnose all types of things they aren't qualified to because they don't have the education and knowledge to do so. They pass out psych drugs like candy.
@@EMILYHERRERA Yes, they do. I have permanent problems that were caused by meds that were wrongly prescribed to me. Even though I quit them years ago. I especially feel sorry for all the kids they're doing it to.
When I was 12-14 years old quite a few adults continually told me I needed to look people in the eye because they thought I was being disrespectful. I hated it. It really hurt to do and even now it's difficult but I basically went through a period of a few years where I taught myself to look people in the eye (someone at my church actually told me I could look at the middle of their forehead), or the mouth. But, I can never just stare at someone. I'll look a few seconds then look away and basically just regulate how often I do it to appear "attentive" even though I'd listen to everything they say without needing to look at their face. Always having a phone or a book to look at really helped me. I remember looking at a specific professor at university and literally started to cry but someone else said they cried when looking at him too so that was just strange. I don't know if I am autistic, I also have signs of ADHD, but I always look at the list and think so much applies but also so much of it doesn't. Idk, I'm just confused and don't have the financial means or access to medical care to be diagnosed anyway.
I often will pick someone's either left or right eyeball to stare at when I'm trying to make eye contact. I can get confused about how to look someone in the eyes, plural. Does anyone else do this?
I will usually look at someone with my head tilted to the side (usually I'm looking towards the left slightly) and that is how I will make eye contact. I can make full frontal eye contact for a limited amount of time, but then I usually switch to doing the head-tilt eye contact.
"I've heard from other autistics who didn't know that this was abnormal and their way of making eye contact while not actually making eye contact was to look at their lips when they talked, or eyebrows or something that isn't actually the eyes." This is how at 27 I found out that looking at mouths, chins or eyebrows isn't actually the norm... I just kind of figured "Eye contact" was an exaggeration, a figure of speech, but that people don't actually make eye contact most of the time when talking...
About the peripheral vision thing, you know when you're in public and you're walking somewhere and another person is heading straight towards you and one of you has to move to the side? I never look at people when I do that, I just kinda see them out of the corner of my eye and move. and that confuses people so much because I guess they need my eye contact to confirm that I've seen them and like covey through eye contact which one of us is going to move. Idk I just always assume that im going to be the one to move but people almost get angry when you don't tell them that in some way through your body language.
This reminds me of all the times me and others awkwardly several times failing to move past each other. Didn't occur to me that not showing eye contact or the "right" body language for them was what could be causing the confusion. Maybe I should work on a "get out of my way now" glaring at them, but then I'm too polite for that.
My parents pointed out when I was little kid that I'm always staring at the ground. I was like wut u guys look up? How do you step on the walkway patterns????
@@dmanzawsome Same. That was basically my whole childhood (and now , too tbh) . For a long time, I didn't know it was so strange and assumed it was kind of something everyone did until other kids (and adults actually) started joking about my behavior. Eventually this led to working to "correct" my behavior, and doctors suspecting it was a sign I was depressed for some reason. (I guess because looking down is a sign of sulking perhaps?) As a result, I used to try to practice walking as a child while looking elsewhere and could only manage to look at the ground several meters away instead. It was an incredibly frightening and challenging feat...like being asked to tightrope or something of that nature (which is most certainly not within my range of capabilities). The first year I started doing this I tripped, fell, and dropped everything I was holding quite almost *_everytime_* I even _attempted_ walking somewhere. And I got bullied and intentionally tripped often as a result. I still don't know how people walk without looking at the ground they're currently walking on without failing some steps in...let alone do other things simultaneously like talk, use phones, make decisions, etc. So I came to a middle ground where most of the time (if I am not low on energy or close to an overload) I just glance briefly at the ground every 3 steps or so. I know it's still probably considered "weird", but neurotypical people just ask too much sometimes. I mean, do they want me to walk and trip every 3 seconds or briefly glance so I don't do that? It's one or the other; there isn't any other option - trust me, I know. Stairs are still my enemy however, but ramps can potentially be worse depending on the steepness. Also, just the slightest inconsistency in the level of the ground will make the act of walking without faltering (falling, swaying, making unwarranted turns, or beelining on what should be a straight path, etc.) some absurdly difficult endeavor for me to achieve successfully. Just everything about the "simple" act of walking is way too hard in my experience, which is why I wonder why it isn't discussed more frequently in autism circles. If anyone knows of others who speak about this topic, I would most certainly appreciate any info or tips. Or just to know if anyone else has experienced this issue so drastically that it impacts your life like mine,because I haven't seen/heard people really talk about this. And walking takes so much energy that it is often the _only_ thing I can think of when I'm performing it, which means I sometimes have an "awkward" lengthy delay before engaging in it. Because my body is like a ship - if I don't plot the course and rig the sails right beforehand, I end up not reaching my destination or at least not the way I intended... Perhaps I should mention that I took longer to learn the early milestone of walking and pretty much every other motor skill, so maybe that is a factor as well. Idk
I feel like when I'm giving eye contact to others, I'm giving too much. The last thing I want is to make them uncomfortable. I don't have the 'make eye contact' monologue as much as the 'look away for a second, you're being too aggressive'... while at the same time I HAVE to look away to access memory or to explain things, and then later I wonder if they thought I was lying or was spewing malarky like a stupid person. I also have trouble with faces when I haven't had enough 1-on-1 time or not until they've spoken. I also have great peripheral vision-- in the dark I actually have to use that instead of actually looking at something right on. Most of my 'social interactions' are via YT, and I find myself watching the subtitles more than their faces usually, haha. I think humanoids evolved to find eye contact important. Anthropologically the whites of our eyes and the colored parts were designed to direct others to danger or to something you're collaboratively going to go grab or hunt but have to be quiet. So maybe when autistic people look at other's eyes, they just read fear, or like 'what are you trying to tell me without your words???' and to protect the brain, that makes it harder to remember faces-- because you're busy encoding potential danger or the unspoken information beyond, but not absorbing them as a person.
Thank you for your work. I don't even know why I don't like eye contact, it's just bothersome and interrupts my thinking. I used to cry when I was little and my dad tried to force me to look in his eyes.
I know it's important to others but it feels so intimate. So I just look between their eyebrows. I don't know if alexithymia is something that is either always on or off but there are many times, often daily, that I have no idea what I'm feeling. And don't worry about pronouncing it properly. I've heard people pronounce it both ways. Last thing, I usually listen to videos while doing something else so when you did your staring into the camera thing I was reloading some brass and it creeped me out.
Wow, this is so important! It's abusive to force people to look people in the eye. If it hurts them, raises fear, causes discomfort, all that stuff, it should not be forced. I've definitely wondered how much eye contact to give people. Basically I kind of avoid eyes unless I'm saying something that I feel needs to be heard on purpose, some encouragement or validation. I'd much rather be doing something like cleaning while talking to people to avoid awkwardness of wondering how much is enough.
I'm not diagnosed or anything but I do relate to a lot of autistic traits. Usually I don't think of eye contact as a problem but this video made me realize that I don't really make real eye contact much (if at all). I always look right around someones eyes; at their eyelids, their glasses, their nose, their makeup, but never directly in their eyes. I have a good memory and remember details about people's eyeshadow color or glasses, but I can never for the life of me think of what color someone's eyes are and I think I just found out why. Even for people I like who I look at all the time, eye color is a complete mystery even though I can visualize every other part of them clearly.
When I do make "eye contact", I have a near impossible task of trying to figure out where to look while trying to follow the conversation. It usually ends up in me missing parts or all of the conversation. You might as well ask me to juggle a can of gas and a flame thrower.
me: I don't think I have much difficulty with eye contact also me: *has to switch tabs so I'm listening to this video but not watching it because the eye contact is too strong *
Great video, as always. You'll find now that a lot of behavior analysts do not find eye contact a social significant behavior for therapists to work on. It's a split opinion now, in the field. I only request a client to look at me (not specifically my eyes, just my face in general) to establish compliance / instructional control when I see they are struggling to maintain focus. I love watching your videos because I enjoy hearing from all perspectives. Especially from the population I work with as that is the most important 💕
Making eye contact sometimes makes me lose concentration and I'll forget my train of thought but not what the other person has said. But sometimes it doesn't cause any problems at all. That probably has to do with me getting too much sensory information at once. When it does cause problems, I stop making eye contact for a little bit to remember my train of thought. And when I stop looking at the eyes, I regain my train of thought.
What you describe is exactly what I did..im not on the spectrum as far as I know, but this is what I call social anxiety. I still have pretty bad social anxiety but it was so bad up to high school that I couldn't speak in small groups of acquaintances. If someone asked me something, I could respond briefly, or maybe get a few words out to the one person I knew best, but I was asked multiple times, "why don't you talk?" And told that I was being either creepy or stuck up, and though I desperately wanted to talk and enjoy these people, I couldn't get out of my own head. Though I am still a bit shy at first, especially around boisterous people, I just force myself to remember that they are also scared which helps me to be way more friendly and outgoing because I am then PAYING ATTENTION to THEM instead of myself and trying to put THEM at ease instead, and thats the key. Fear easily overcomes the empathy shy people have and dealing with that fear is the only way to start overcoming it. I might always be nervous and thats okay because i know i can deal with it and when you do a good job of it,, you can even start to feel powerful. When you interact with someone, realize that they are just as scared of being judged as you are. This is empathy which I know they say people with autism don't have a lot of, but I think they do and are just...I really do not mean this as an insult but as a fact and it applies to me as well..literally self centered. And yes you can be self centered with extremely low self esteem. Its not the same thing as arrogance. I know how most people mean it, but I'm using it in the context of you're too worried about what is going on inside of your own head to stop and think about the other person. Our eyes look out for a reason and when we stop to remember to see the other person, we stop looking inward.
Eye contact is weird for me. I usually avoid it. If I manage to maintain eye contact, it's usually because I find something about the other person's eyes unique, and therefore I am just fixated on them thinking "ooh, that's so pretty!" and can't focus on the actual conversation.
People's voices literally get louder in my head when I don't have to look at them.. it is sooooooooo much easier to concentrate and remember what someone is saying without looking at them. Generally I end up looking at foreheads, chins, and over shoulders 😅
lmfao When you stared at the camera, giving an impression of "making eye contact", and you said, "Hi, I'm Stephanie!," I almost died. 😆😆😭 I started laughing while also feeling a pit of shame in my stomach. So embarrassing! So me!
My ex looks at people’s mouths. I had no idea, until a year into our relationship I asked him if he knew what color my eyes were. Over the phone. He said he didn’t know. I was aghast. I know someone’s eye color and so much detail within moments of meeting them. This was foreign to me..and of course I was offended 🙄😂 I applied meaning to him not knowing my eye color...like I believed he didn’t think I was worth really noticing. Now I know better, lots of lessons along the way. I asked him to look at my eyes when I saw him and when he did it looked like he was looking above my head! His eyes are really dark and it fooled me enough when he looked at my mouth, I had thought he was looking in my eyes! Although he rarely gave compliments... the next compliment he gave was “you have such beautiful eyes”😂 I think it was because I had gone off on how he hadn’t known my eye color despite being together for a year! The compliment seemed a bit forced, but I accepted the effort :) That being said, I generally can give eye contact...but it often feels weird too. I analyze if I’m doing too much, or if I looked away too much or get lost and can’t listen as well... I put on a good front usually. This happens worse when my anxiety is high, which is more often than not...in social situations, unless I’m exercising or have alcohol on board 😬
I just stumbled upon your channel, my name is bethany! I thought that was kinda cool. My little brother is autistic, he has accomplished so much and has been in the military sense he was 18 and he is now 25. He is amazing and I love your channel and the information you have to give. Your awesome! Thank you for being here to share!
In the military don't they make him hold eye contact with superiors for extended periods and if you look away you'll get disciplined or be bannished to digging holes, etc?
I always look at the forehead or lips. If I look too much in the eyes, I usually miss some information from the conversation. When I need to understand important information or instructions from my boss or colleagues I directly ask that they repeat the information while I'm listening with my eyes closed or looking away. It also helps me to repeat what they're saying to make sure I didn't miss anything important.
Oh man, eye contact with TEACHERS was terrifying since it felt like they were just waiting to pounce on you if you looked either like you weren't paying attention, or like you wanted to answer their questions.
To be, looking at someone when I talk is like patting my head and rubbing my tummy. I don’t experience pain or discomfort when I look at someone while they talk. But if I’m talking and want to make a point, needing to process what I have to say and how the other person is feeling is Too Much. I can make eye contact while performing or presenting, but it’s rehearsed, it’s consensual. Like this scientific theory on why eye contact is discomforting for autistic people!
One of my elementary school teachers was always frustrated with my lack of eye contact and would offer force me to look me in the eye while explaining all of my failures... I was not a great time in my life.
The cortically blind thing is fascinating. I remember a study where a blind man was able to navigate a hallway full of obstacles on the floor, even though he was not consciously aware of the obstacles being there at all, only his subconscious brain was. It's another scientific demonstration of how we don't have Libertarian Free Will, but anyway that's a different topic. He would just make up a story as to why he moved the way he did, so as his conscious brain could make sense of it. The same thing was done either with the same guy or a different study or whatever where a blind person was able to consistently point a laser pointer right in the spots he was supposed to, even without being able to consciously see anything. But anyway, I don't have autism, I have some other thing sort of going on, but I relate heavily with this. If I make eye contact, it's so damn awkward and it doesn't feel like polite humans should be doing it to the extent that its done in the west and whatever, but it is what it is. Very emphasised indeed. If I make eye contact, I am no going to process fuck-all of what they are saying. Even when I'm not looking at them, my brain is always a step behind with the processing and I can get stuck on one part and then the rest of what they say is gone, because my brain was still on something from earlier. Processing shit on the fly instantly is just not something I do. Eye contact is very distracting. But despite literally never doing eye contact, I am very good with reading facial expressions and body language, I don't miss any of these things in conversation. I'm always in tune as far as that goes and I'm emotionally intelligent, so that's good that I haven't been hindered in that regard. Peripheral vision is always there, and I quickly glance at the eyes and other areas of the face here and there, particularly when it's likely to provide information, I think you develop a skill for when you don't need to look at their face. There's a lotttt of information outside of the eyes and I think people who are obsessive with specifically direct eye contact, may be worse at deciphering what's going on overall... But in any case I do plan to work on it to some degree. But not like, TOO much... I don't find it to be very hindering or important in my life personally, though that's not the same for everyone. Oh, the article thing with the amygdala part is very interesting. Fear makes sense there evolutionarily, since we need to process this information and determine whether it's a threat or not. We are highly tuned to spotting eyes and detecting where they are looking. That's part of why we developed a lot of white around our irises. So, that might be related, I dunno.
As a visually impaired person I cannot make eye contact because of my visual impairment however what I do is instead of making direct eye contact I turn towards the person that’s speaking so they know I’m listening
Very informative Stephanie. It's only in the last 10 years or so that I've been able to give full eye contact. I'm not autistic as far as I know, I'm dyspraxic, but I always found it difficult to give full eye contact growing up. Everyone kept telling me, to look at them when they were talking to me. Sometimes I didn't even realize I wasn't looking at them, whilst they were talking to me.
Hey Stephanie, thanks for this video! I find that eye contact topic super fascinating. As a kid, my mum would always tell me that it's important to look at people during a conversation and to look at the point between their eyes. I tend to either not look people in the eyes at all, or just stare at them for ever, depending on the situation, how comfortable I am with them, and what the setting is. In general, I do find eye contact to be a very 'intimate' thing. With good friends, I can and will occasionally make brief eye contact. Sustained and over-frequent 'real' eye-contact (as in looking them IN the eye) however makes me feel very very uncomfortable and make me lose focus of the conversation, even with people I feel very comfortable with. With strangers, neighbors etc, I will look up at their face briefly, but not focus at all (basically not seeing them...). I also noticed that I tend to look at people in a submissive (or puppy eye ^^) manner. I wonder if this can be tied with the concept of feeling fear as you said in your video. On the other hand, there are situations where I will very gladly make eye contact: 1) I love eyes, they are super pretty. So it happens that I will stare AT peoples eyes and observe their eye color and pattern. Since this does not involve the looking 'into' peoples soul, I'm comfortable doing it (usually less the case for the person being stared at ^^') 2) Sometimes there are situations (e.g. a presentation setting) where I will search and maintain very intensive eye contact (stare) with someone as some sort of emotional support /reassurance. Happened in therapy a few times as well. 3) If I am in love with someone, I can look that person in the eyes forever. This has basically become my barometer to know how I feel about someone. When I love that person and deep eye contact ensues, it's an amazing feeling of very deep connection, trust and mutual understanding. Wanted to share because I never really heard about people being ok with eye contact in certain situations and I wonder if I'm alone with this. Disclaimer: not diagnosed yet, but on the waiting list for a diagnosis...
I'm new to the discovery of my autism and literally a week ago I was in a handicraft class having a conversation about said handicraft, looking at it (therefore not actually being face to face), with the teacher. When suddenly I realised my subconscious was yelling at me to look her in the eyes (face, the angle was a bit off). I realised that I didn't actually want to look at her. I didn't find it repulsive but just pointless. So I didn't and then agonised for the next 2h about it. It's like learned behavior. You have been doing it for years in a way and then suddenly do it differently (which feels bad for me, even if the behaviour you didn't do was actually bad for you [I once flipped out because my friend didn't wash the salad the same way I do] ) I realised I can describe my best friend's favourite earrings but not her eyes...
I just recently became a self identified autistic and waiting to get an official assessment, and during my own research I remembered that I have always looked at peoples lips when talking, and very little in their eyes. I never reflected on it before, more then "that part is moving", but it all makes sense now.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. So when people look at us they are on some level sharing their souls. I think this is why people can often sense others looking at them. However, they can't always figure out why.
Very useful to me personally, Stephanie. When you're with a dog you don't know well, you never approach them face on, because they can feel threatened. You should look at them through the corner of your eye to let them know you're not coming for them, you're not a threat. Let them come to you on their own terms. I never realized it's exacly what happens to me. Yep, the ol' amigdala, clearly.
I can't put into words how interesting this was. The amygdala thing and how it was related to fear was completely mind-blowing, it opened my eyes (no pun intended) to how trouble with eye contact is related to having an augmented perception of the world. It also explains why I seem to be one of the few autistics that don't have an issue with neither hypersensitivity or eye contact. These two things are deeply related! I've been feeling since long ago that this made my autism less "valid" than other people's, making this knowledge particularly useful to challenge that notion in myself.
What do you mean you don't have trouble with eye contact? I believe that I might be on the spectrum, and most of the time it doesn't bother me either, but at rare times it does. Please explain if you're around or anyone explain. That would be great
Greetings. I'm here to tell you that I'm diagnosed ASD, and have NO problem giving eye contact. You are not less autistic. I've met autistics who can give eye contact.
I didn’t want to do eye contact b/c my my right eye would jump & most people would say “What’s wrong with your eyes?” Also I do feel our eyes are a Gate way to our Soul. The World is a scary place. I’m grateful today b/c I can see I’m not alone *as much*. I do still wish I a had an Advocate Yes, even in my Late 40’s. I’m Proud of my ASC 👍🏼😎👍🏼more then I was of my ASD. ASC just makes me feel better❤️❤️❤️☮️.
I used to find it very hard to make eye contact, but I have forced myself to look people in the eye, and I have gotten better at it. It was very uncomfortable, but I have gotten better with it. I still have problems with it, but I have gotten better. It is very interesting that you mention that the amygdala increases activity when eye contact is made, and it is associated with arousal, and fear because I usually have problems looking at people's faces when I am aroused, or scared of the person I am trying to make eye contact with because I feel uncomfortable in those circumstances. I think that the only way to overcome this is the same way that people overcome any fear that they have. If we just go head-on into what we are afraid of even though we are afraid of it, we will overcome that fear. It is very difficult for autistic people to look people in the eye, but if we just start, it will get easier the more that we do it. It's also interesting to know that not looking somebody in the eye can translate as disrespect. I was in physical education, and the teacher made us do dance class. I was doing the two-step with a girl that I had a crush on, and it was very hard for me to look at her face so I looked down at my shoes instead because it was more comfortable, and less scary although I was still scared because I knew that she was looking at me. She was upset that I wasn't looking at her face, and she got the teacher involved, and I got in trouble. Now I realize why I got in trouble because you said that it could be translated as a sign of disrespect. Thank you for sharing that. I had no idea that it was a sign of respect until I heard you say it, and now it makes sense.
HI Bethany, I am here from a link from IndieAndie ( He's such a warm & open person - I really enjoy his content so at his suggestion here I am! ) enjoying your content also. I lipread as I have difficulty distinguising consonants & general audio processing, this has given some people the wrong impression ( Guys thinking I was "interested" in them when I wasn't ) I'm at an age now where I don't care anymore people either accept me or they don't. I have in work situations said something along the lines of "I have issues with not always hearing clearly so I lipread if i really feel I need to so that the other person is put at ease. I have excellent peripheral vision which makes me an excellent driver but during conversations ( esp with my European Husband who gesticulates a lot+++ ) it is "visual noise" which makes it very hard to "hear the words" because of all the peripheral noise going on. I much prefer the term "unique to Autism" than the pathologised term in DSM V which is deficit centric. You make excellent points here Bethany, NTs call us out for being insensitive when so many "therapies" ( many designed by NTs ) do not take into account the very things ( in this case "eye contact" ) that are uncomfortable - painful for Autistic people. So es well put Bethany, & yes respect is just as important both ways so any NT reading this stop expecting things to be done your way only. Our experience is real & it is actually not only hurtful but damaging to our sense of inclusion in this world that is set up for NT majority. Be fair, be kind & keep listening & taking on board the Autistic experience instead of trying to change us. Thank You Bethany for this excellent video ! : D
after experiencing depression and stress from college I eventually took off my neurotypic mask out of exhaustion and stopped trying to make eye contact. Boy did I piss off some strangers lol. Some were trying to force eye contact on me, simply because I didn’t respond to theirs and definitely wasn’t planning on it since I was already uncomfortable in the first place. But it was this stim and others that helped me understand my autism, because I feel it to be normal and find out it’s not. So I knew I wasn’t wrong and I can’t lose myself trying to always make the neurotypies around me feel comfortable. I just want to exist in peace and hopefully more people will understand that it’s not personal
Yup. I used to remember during my early childhood years I used to get strong tingling go through my head when I had a hard time with my eye contact it wasn't a fun experience that is when I went through a lot of speech therapy during my middle school age.
I was thinking recently that I was dyslexic, because I have a lot of the symptoms, and my mom is dyslexic. I don't really know many autism symptoms, but I know that this video explains me perfectly. And so do other videos about autistic stimming. I'm not sure what I have anymore.
Apparently for normal people facial expressions are a larger component of language. Personally i just learned english words instead so part of eye contact being uncomfortable is that it doesnt have a purpose besides faking normalcy
I was strangely never thought to make eye contact before I was diagnosed. My ex often accused me of not looking at him when we talked, he ment look at him and make contact but he wasn't specific about it, so for the longest time, I was really confused as to what he wanted. As for incomfort, for me it fluctuates for day to day and from person to person. Usually more intense people will be more uncomfortable.
This was great ! As I watch these videos I see that I can relate to many of this. This brings me back to “ church “ when they say greet your neighbors!!! Ooohhh how I hated this time ! Even as I grew older and had way more “ church friends” I still never wanted to shake hands and greet people ! I would literally get so pissed ! Ughhh now I laughed greatly at this because now it makes sooooo much sense !! Idk if I will ever get “ diagnosed “ but I feel as if I may be on the spectrum and it all makes sense as to why I am the way I am ! It just kinda sucks that I feel that no one will really believe me on this 🤨. I never remembered their name and I never remembered what they even said !
I used to get accused of looking out the corner of my eye when all along I had no muscle control in my left eye. And I got punished and shouted at if my dad.
As a younger child, my daughter would NEVER look at you in the eye and fleetingly at your face. The “look at me when I’m talking to you” that parents say to their children when their being told off (for example) used to scare my daughter to bits. She just couldn’t do it. Over time she’s gotten better. We’ve talked about briefly looking at someone and maybe focus to the side or on the nose or eyebrows. (This was way before she got diagnosed years later. - a few months ago at time of writing this) Now she will look at you but only if she’s comfortable with you. A complete stranger, no.
I was told that I don't seem to be able to talk to people one on one, or when there's just a few people around. I don't look at them and seem to focus on other things. While adressing a group of 10 or more, I seem to be much more relaxed. Like I'm opposite to all of the people who hate talking to crowds. I thrive being on stage. I don't have to look at a specific person in the eyes. I don't have to "see" any of them since being on stage you're suppossed to focus on a point at the far back, above the audience. So standing infront of hundreds of people is perfectly fine to me, but telling the same thing to jsut one person, especially someone I don't know, is really awkward weird to me. Remembering names and faces is just not my thing, like at all.
Eye contact is very difficult. It makes me nervous to look at someone’s eyes, though not physically painful. As a child, my mum would demand that I “look at me when I’m talking to you”. She would hold my chin and force me to look at her. I generally look at someone’s eyebrows or forehead.
I don't expose myself to a lot of Social, so I don't know how bad my face blindness is, but it's kinda there, a little, but eye contact is Bad particularly with new people. My Peripheral vision is bad for sure too.
These things combined with anxiety are why I'm perceived as smart in class, but a complete idiot outside of it. Possibly lying, plotting something, it's kinda awful.
When you came close to the camera and stared straight at me, I got a bit spooked even though I'm watching on the phone and the screen was small but I felt like you came too close. 😅
Basically everyone has a choice. Either I don't give eye contact and I can listen and process what you say or I can have eye contact and not listen or process what you're saying.
I've always looked at people's mouths when they talk. It just makes more sense to look at their mouth than their eyes. it's the part of a person's face that's moving when they're talking. I don't know how people are able to get so much information just looking at someone's eyes. I've always thought they were exaggerating when they say eyes are "windows to the soul". I never saw the point of looking at someone's eyes until my sister started telling me I should do it.
when when im listening to people talk i have to look away even when people talk to me and its easist to listen if im like doing something with my hands (i guess a form of stimming?!) while doing so, talking to them is the same i dont look at people usually bc its the most natural for me to do!! i can force myself to look at people when conversing w them but its really really hard i hate being forced to but i know in a lot of settings its most desired as uncomfortable as it is for me
Eye contact makes me super uncomfortable. It feels very intense and overwhelming to me. I tend to stare at faces and watch lips (I didn’t even realize I watched lips until you said some people do that and I was watching your lips). I make very brief eye contact and usually look away if I’m talking about something emotional. I make the most eye contact with my husband.
I wonder if the spike in the amygdala region is related to some natural instinct? Like sometimes when stray animals have a stare down and sometimes that means a fight is about to go down. Or sometimes even when I stare at a stray, it'll stop in its track and wait to see what kind of move I'll make. And because the stray seems tense, it kind of feels like fear compels them to this precaution.
I cant make eye contact for more than a couple seconds. I have to look away. Otherwise my whole body will start to shake. When I know I'm going to be around someone. Like say work. I tell them I'm not making eye contact but I'm listening to everything your saying. My bosses have accepted this and understand. Meeting strangers for the first time is hard. They think I'm shy. Because when I talk to them I'm looking down. I constantly feel like im being judged. I dont like going out much.
Damn, another great video backed by facts and science explained by someone that has almost the exact same experience as me, lol. Way more people need to watch this. This explaination has been my theory for awhile now, and you explained it exactly correctly and easily accessable, imo. I do actually find I have good peripheral vision, I actually use it to watch faces without looking AT the face lol. Also, the ppl that think not looking at them is a purposeful sign of disrespect just... Boy isn't that just how everything in mental health seems to be treated, eh? Like everyone, esp the NTs it seems like, just want EVERYTHING to be about them so bad. Maybe the person you are observing isn't doing something because of you... Maybe they're doing it because of themselves and your gaze isn't the most important thing in the universe lol.
I am not autistic, but I have a VERY hard time giving eye contact when speaking to people because it just feels too intimate or even invasive... and when people give me contact, it just feels uncomfortable. Does anyone else feel this way?
This is a somewhat related but mostly unrelated comment. Sorry. (Also going to preface with the fact that I'm not diagnosed but strongly suspect that I might be on the spectrum) Today one of my friends handed me her phone to take a "nonverbal communication quiz". She's a psych major so she finds these sorts of things interesting. It asked questions about eye contact, gestures, touching people and tone of voice. The average for men is somewhere in the 90s and it's around 100 for women. I scored in the mid 50s and that was me being generous with myself by counting my awkward flailing as hand gestures. She herself scored in the high 90s (note: she has depression and is anxious in social situations) and my other friend scored around 120 (she has ADHD and is a business major). So yeah, nonverbal communication and eye contact are definitely a bit of a problem if on the same quiz I scored less than half what my friend scored...
when i was in middle school one of my teachers called me out for now paying attention just because i wasn't looking at them, and when they asked me what she just said I repeated it word for word including the cough in the middle apparently.
Also sometimes it’s easier to listen and respond when not looking directly at someone. Sometimes the maintaining contract ends up making you unable to respond how you’d like or distracts you to the point of you aren’t catching all of what they’re saying and you also forget what to say out it just makes it difficult to focus on getting your words out correctly
Hi Stephanie I would expand further. My internal monologue in my head goes; Make eye contact but not to much eye contact. What emotion is the other person eyes saying to me. Is my face looking to miserable am I smiling at inappropriate times. What is person facial expression saying. What is the person tone of voice. What is the speed of the person voice. Is there other conversation going to filter out to partly listen to this conversation. Even though with all this though process I'm not fully listening to want the person is saying. Am I listening to a long monologue like this comment. Is there lot different sub text to this conversation. Is there different switches of conversation. Is there humour is there sarcasm in this monologue I'm listen to. So after the person stop talking you not fully listen to what person had fully said because of this inner monologue that NT don't need. So you respond, OK or cool. Not give a long answers listening to you key points then giving back a good answer. So this is all autism masking, it come across to everyone that your listening like a NT. But answering in one word answers a like a aspie.
Yeah idk about eye contact. When i do it it feels so forced, like I just look them in the eyes non stop without blinking and intensely. And I'm so aware of it. Its really a mask, I'm always so aware of every move I make and everything when speaking to someone (except very close people) and I do the exact same things that my mother does like a perfect actor. When I'm feeling good I can do it easily, but when not it gets very overwhelming and I feel the anxiety rise, like I can't keep the character going and i don't know what to do anymore, so I become crisped outside and I shrink inside and I just wanna get outta there asap. Yeah thats my experience with socialisation now a day.
Thank 💚 You🙏🕯 Similar to you... I can make eye contact a lil while listening to someone but while I'm talking... abSOULutely not... Usually pacing & looking all over.😋
Eye contact is the worst. My inner monologue usually goes like this “Ok, don’t forget to make eye contact or they’ll think you’re a sketchball. But don’t stare. Remember to look away occasionally. Don’t forget to make eye contact again. Am I staring? I feel like I’m staring. Let me look away for a second again. Now I’m looking away too long. They’re going to think I’m a weirdo. ARGH” By this point I’ve either lost my train of thought when I’m speaking or I’ve barely registered what the other person has said. Super fun 😭
Omg this is me, whenever i go to school meetings i purposelly force myself to do the eye contact thing so they percieve me as normal so they don’t take any irritation or comment i say as … i’m an angry unhinged overly-sensitive delusional parent instead of a rational one with justified annoyance, sounds stupid but i try and stat as calm and as neurotypical as i can, i once had a teacher talk about my kids and say, “yeah it must be hard being like that,” and i’m sat there sort of offended and sort of validated like YES the deception is working, she thinks i’m neurotypical, i did want to say “yeah must be hard being a human and struggling, completely alien concept, but yes being autisticnhas it’s challenges and that’s why i’m here asking for help so my kids get a better education experience than I did.” Befote being diagnosed i was sent to a counselling service, and the first thing the woman (who was lovely but bragged a lot about her own life and children’s success) any … the first thing she asked is why i don’t make eye contact (i didn’t know it was autism, i had no clue about it, really did not have any knowledge on autism despite my nephew being autistic, and not knowing my kids were) i thought it was all about me feeling self concious about how i look, or my buck-teeth, or my face which i hate, like my nose or watever so i just always put it down to me being ashamed of how i look, i didnt even know i didnt make eye contact until i was in my late 20’s and someone told me
Lmao and you have NO idea what they just said. Same.
I was just experiencing this at my sweet neighbors house yesterday. I kept smiling and nodding, thinking, “Make eye contact, don’t make too much eye contact. Make eye contact, don’t make too much eye contact. Why am I thinking about how much eye contact I’m making? Do other people do this? Make eye contact, don’t make too much eye contact, repeat.”
I’m glad you posted this today.
I’m grateful that one of my buddies is on the spectrum, and we usually sit next to each other or angled. I never feel weird not making eye contact with him. It’s great.
Tricia Kay I remember reading that eye contact showed trustworthiness however I took that, as expected, literally. I couldn’t understand why people didn’t keep the same eye contact I had with them, not knowing that my never-ending eye hold was nothing but odd. 😂
Same I do this
I started going back go public school before Corona hit and someone was leading me to a room that I needed to go to. It was quiet while we were talking at first, but then they started talking and so I was trying to respond and listen. But I wasn't paying much attention to what they were saying because I was focused on making eye contact. I had read or heard somewhere that eye contact is very important so I stared closely and didn't stop making eye contact unless I had to watch where I was walking. I feel bad for the person who was helping me because all they saw was a girl nodding her head and looking into their soul while they spoke.
I'm not autistic (as far as I know) and it is VERY hard and uncomfortable for me to look people in the eye, even my own husband and kids. I look at people's mouths instead. I am afraid people will notice and think I'm uninterested or being dishonest since I can't make eye contact. Very interesting to me to hear your perspective and know I'm not alone in this.
I look at mouths too. I find it easier to follow the conversation.
Why is looking at your own hub and kids in the eye difficult? You know them; you love them; they are your life. Most women think their hubby's eyes are gorgeous and their kids' eyes are beautiful. Why wouldn't you want to look into them, at least when nobody's talking (if eye contact is distracting when talking?). You may also be on the spectrum. Have you taken online autism tests?
Be careful because looking at someone’s mouth can mean that you want to kiss them
I remember when I discovered the trick where you stare at the nose or between the eyes, and I was SO HAPPY because I was SURE that I had figured out this whole Normal Human Thing. Turns out I just got really, really good at making people super uncomfortable with extended unblinking eye contact.
Very informative! I learned that the reason NT people make eye contact is because it increases Oxytocin (feel-good hormone) and that for me it did the opposite. It feels as though a serious stress or fear chemical/hormone is released (possibly cortisol?) but often triggers anger and feelings of being violated. What she said about the brain makes perfect sense.
I'm thinking part of that might be because it's a confronting and vulnerable thing to do with another person, and that of course has overlap with other horrible things. A lot of people do not want to be in that position or feel those things (certainly not with some random-ass person).
@@Siberius- That makes sense.
@@raven4090 - Reading my comment again, it reminds me of customary kissing in some cultures. For many people, that's certainly not what they are comfortable with. But one can generally get more comfortable with it over time if they must.
@@Siberius- I hear you! Like when the pastor says to hug whomever you are standing next to in church. I did it, and acted happy about it, but I hated it because I didn't even know some of the people I was making contact with. I just told my mom in a conversation today (yet again) that even though she loves going it just gives me severe anxiety. I'm not going back now that I'm grown up. I can talk to God wherever I'm at.
@@raven4090 - Yea hardly anyone does the church thing these days, and so many of them are getting really political, too, telling people who to vote for, and even inviting candidates to speak and stuff. Weird.
Then you got the megachurches and whatnot. It all feels pretty dodgy to me.
I don't like people being put in a situation they might not all be comfortable with (for all sorts of reasons), but them feeling like they have to, because of peer pressure and not wanting to come across a certain way, not wanting the person beside them to feel a certain way, not wanting to draw attention to themselves, etc.
Then it's also there's a pastor who is spreading the message of God or whatever, so people might feel like they're doing something wrong in the eyes of God if they don't comply with whatever the pastor says (which they should not feel bad).
it's not the best of situations to be in there I think. Particularly with some churches/pastors.
How I can explain what making eye contact feels is like, if you accidentally walk in on some using the toilet. Naturally, most people would avert their eyes because it feels almost shameful, uncomfortable, like an invasion of privacy. I don't think most people would continue to stare at the individual on the toilet because it would be rude, and even feel threatening. That's how I feel when I make eye contact. When someone insists on maintaining eye contact it can feel almost like a threat or a challenge, like some sort of power play. I naturally divert my eyes because in my brain, I don't want to be rude or threatening, even though I know most people don't see it like that. If I want to make eye contact, I have to be very aware of it because naturally it feels wrong, even though rationally, I know it's not percieved like that by others, that they infact almost see it in the opposite way.
If you avoid eye contact too much you'll be seen as weak and a target for bullying
@@Shelloyd 🙄 idgaf. You conform if you want to, be a sheep. I see that as weak minded.
@@jelatinosa I don't give eye contact to conform. I give it to send the other person a message. For example if I go to a neighbor's house to inform him or her that their dog barks too much. If I avoid eye contact they won't feel any pressure to fix the problem. But if I give good eye contact they will take me seriously and maybe even be afraid I might "do something" if they don't fix the problem. If someone tries to intimidate me and I look 'em dead in the eye, they're more likely to back off. I speak all of this from experience. If I want someone to know my intent and state of mind, I give them eye contact. There are many other ways that I DON'T conform, but eye contact is crucial. I've made people back off just with eye contact alone. It cuts down on the number of words I need. Imagine arguing your case while avoiding eye contact. You'll lose every time. Though eye contact won't guarantee pursuasion, it surely bumps up the odds.
@@Shelloyd so basically you are saying that making eye contact is a threat. So you are agreeing with me. So why would people insist on eye contact in placid, cooperative scenarios when it's clearly meant to intimidate, be invasive and threatening. That's why I think mostly rude people or people who don't understand boundaries or are domineering really enjoy eye contact. As a social norm, it's created by a-holes for a-holes.
@@jelatinosa What may seem like a placid cooperative scenario could actually include a bad person scouting for someone to push around. The first person he or she will target is the most skittish, insecure looking person: the person avoiding eye contact. Don't get me wrong; I don't go around glaring my eyes into people. But everyone I meet needs to know that I'm confident, know my way, self-assured, and not vulnerable. Eye contact to establish these traits does NOT have to be "threatening" or a hard cold stare. If you perceive eye contact in general to be threatening, then you need to work on overcoming this. I have autism, and holding eye contact while I'M talking is distracting, but in all other scenarios, I give normal eye contact.
This is the only video on Aspie eye contact I've seen that fully relates how eye contact feels to me.
1. I can do it, but it takes up most of my focus;
2. Looking away makes it hard to look back but easier to express myself;
3. I don't feel pain from eye contact, but I do often feel like there is intention to hurt me. Like I'm anticipating pain. It is a sense of threat and fear.
The more I learn about autism the more I'm relieved.
Possibly a fear of seeing rejection in the other's eyes. It's what I have. Level 1 diagnosed autism here, but this specific thing is level 2 with me. Good dash of inattentive ADHD too.
Yes! If I have to look at your eyes, I can't process what you're saying. 🤷♀️ So I end up with guessing the conversation and respond with "oh yeah?" "That's awesome" "that sucks." 🤦♀️ just hoping I heard enough to get it right, but with those responses, I can't actually contribute to the conversation.
I do look around someone's head, just close enough that people think I'm making actual eye contact.
I always end up doing a similar thing to that
It’s very stressful and scary for me to make eye contact
Yep..same. I have to look at people's mouths as an aid to processing.
Eye contact is the bane of my existence. Even the “look at their nose/forehead” trick doesn’t work for me, it’s still super uncomfortable. For me it’s like an intense invasion of my personal space, almost like being touched by someone I haven’t given express consent to. I can meet someone’s eyes for a couple of seconds max, but then it’s too much and I HAVE to look away.
Doctors really do assume Autistic people never give eye contact. My son scored a bit high on his MCHAT. Pediatrician looks at it. "All kids with speech delays score high on this. He is giving eye contact. He is not autistic." Never referred to get tested. I went along convinced my son isn't on the spectrum. 3-4 years later he was diagnosed, after a few different people told me they thought he was on the spectrum.
I'm glad you had wise friends and he got diagnosed. Personally, after my experience with misdiagnosises and finally getting the right one at 51, in my opinion GP'S aren't qualified to say whether anyone is autistic or not because they're usually wrong.
@@raven4090 that General part is very important, yet they treat and diagnose all types of things they aren't qualified to because they don't have the education and knowledge to do so. They pass out psych drugs like candy.
@@EMILYHERRERA Yes, they do. I have permanent problems that were caused by meds that were wrongly prescribed to me. Even though I quit them years ago. I especially feel sorry for all the kids they're doing it to.
When I was 12-14 years old quite a few adults continually told me I needed to look people in the eye because they thought I was being disrespectful. I hated it. It really hurt to do and even now it's difficult but I basically went through a period of a few years where I taught myself to look people in the eye (someone at my church actually told me I could look at the middle of their forehead), or the mouth. But, I can never just stare at someone. I'll look a few seconds then look away and basically just regulate how often I do it to appear "attentive" even though I'd listen to everything they say without needing to look at their face. Always having a phone or a book to look at really helped me.
I remember looking at a specific professor at university and literally started to cry but someone else said they cried when looking at him too so that was just strange.
I don't know if I am autistic, I also have signs of ADHD, but I always look at the list and think so much applies but also so much of it doesn't. Idk, I'm just confused and don't have the financial means or access to medical care to be diagnosed anyway.
I often will pick someone's either left or right eyeball to stare at when I'm trying to make eye contact. I can get confused about how to look someone in the eyes, plural. Does anyone else do this?
I will usually look at someone with my head tilted to the side (usually I'm looking towards the left slightly) and that is how I will make eye contact. I can make full frontal eye contact for a limited amount of time, but then I usually switch to doing the head-tilt eye contact.
I didn't think it was possible to look at both eyes at the same time. Like, even in a mirror... can someone please tell me if this is just a me thing?
That's all I've ever done. I honestly thought that WAS eye contact.
@@itskashkashi responding because I wan't the notification when someone answers
@@Olivia-ny6nl it's been 4 months, I dont think we're getting an answer lol.
"I've heard from other autistics who didn't know that this was abnormal and their way of making eye contact while not actually making eye contact was to look at their lips when they talked, or eyebrows or something that isn't actually the eyes."
This is how at 27 I found out that looking at mouths, chins or eyebrows isn't actually the norm... I just kind of figured "Eye contact" was an exaggeration, a figure of speech, but that people don't actually make eye contact most of the time when talking...
About the peripheral vision thing, you know when you're in public and you're walking somewhere and another person is heading straight towards you and one of you has to move to the side? I never look at people when I do that, I just kinda see them out of the corner of my eye and move. and that confuses people so much because I guess they need my eye contact to confirm that I've seen them and like covey through eye contact which one of us is going to move. Idk I just always assume that im going to be the one to move but people almost get angry when you don't tell them that in some way through your body language.
Interesting! I wish I could do that honestly seems like I would manage to actually get out of the way haha
Crowded hallways have always been nightmares
This reminds me of all the times me and others awkwardly several times failing to move past each other. Didn't occur to me that not showing eye contact or the "right" body language for them was what could be causing the confusion. Maybe I should work on a "get out of my way now" glaring at them, but then I'm too polite for that.
My parents pointed out when I was little kid that I'm always staring at the ground. I was like wut u guys look up? How do you step on the walkway patterns????
@@dmanzawsome Same. That was basically my whole childhood (and now , too tbh) . For a long time, I didn't know it was so strange and assumed it was kind of something everyone did until other kids (and adults actually) started joking about my behavior. Eventually this led to working to "correct" my behavior, and doctors suspecting it was a sign I was depressed for some reason. (I guess because looking down is a sign of sulking perhaps?)
As a result, I used to try to practice walking as a child while looking elsewhere and could only manage to look at the ground several meters away instead. It was an incredibly frightening and challenging feat...like being asked to tightrope or something of that nature (which is most certainly not within my range of capabilities). The first year I started doing this I tripped, fell, and dropped everything I was holding quite almost *_everytime_* I even _attempted_ walking somewhere. And I got bullied and intentionally tripped often as a result.
I still don't know how people walk without looking at the ground they're currently walking on without failing some steps in...let alone do other things simultaneously like talk, use phones, make decisions, etc.
So I came to a middle ground where most of the time (if I am not low on energy or close to an overload) I just glance briefly at the ground every 3 steps or so. I know it's still probably considered "weird", but neurotypical people just ask too much sometimes.
I mean, do they want me to walk and trip every 3 seconds or briefly glance so I don't do that? It's one or the other; there isn't any other option - trust me, I know.
Stairs are still my enemy however, but ramps can potentially be worse depending on the steepness.
Also, just the slightest inconsistency in the level of the ground will make the act of walking without faltering (falling, swaying, making unwarranted turns, or beelining on what should be a straight path, etc.) some absurdly difficult endeavor for me to achieve successfully.
Just everything about the "simple" act of walking is way too hard in my experience, which is why I wonder why it isn't discussed more frequently in autism circles. If anyone knows of others who speak about this topic, I would most certainly appreciate any info or tips. Or just to know if anyone else has experienced this issue so drastically that it impacts your life like mine,because I haven't seen/heard people really talk about this.
And walking takes so much energy that it is often the _only_ thing I can think of when I'm performing it, which means I sometimes have an "awkward" lengthy delay before engaging in it.
Because my body is like a ship - if I don't plot the course and rig the sails right beforehand, I end up not reaching my destination or at least not the way I intended...
Perhaps I should mention that I took longer to learn the early milestone of walking and pretty much every other motor skill, so maybe that is a factor as well. Idk
I feel like when I'm giving eye contact to others, I'm giving too much. The last thing I want is to make them uncomfortable. I don't have the 'make eye contact' monologue as much as the 'look away for a second, you're being too aggressive'... while at the same time I HAVE to look away to access memory or to explain things, and then later I wonder if they thought I was lying or was spewing malarky like a stupid person. I also have trouble with faces when I haven't had enough 1-on-1 time or not until they've spoken. I also have great peripheral vision-- in the dark I actually have to use that instead of actually looking at something right on.
Most of my 'social interactions' are via YT, and I find myself watching the subtitles more than their faces usually, haha.
I think humanoids evolved to find eye contact important. Anthropologically the whites of our eyes and the colored parts were designed to direct others to danger or to something you're collaboratively going to go grab or hunt but have to be quiet. So maybe when autistic people look at other's eyes, they just read fear, or like 'what are you trying to tell me without your words???' and to protect the brain, that makes it harder to remember faces-- because you're busy encoding potential danger or the unspoken information beyond, but not absorbing them as a person.
Thank you for your work. I don't even know why I don't like eye contact, it's just bothersome and interrupts my thinking. I used to cry when I was little and my dad tried to force me to look in his eyes.
I was consistently ordered to look in an abusive parent's eyes while being informed that I was a liar and had obviously done something wrong.
I know it's important to others but it feels so intimate. So I just look between their eyebrows.
I don't know if alexithymia is something that is either always on or off but there are many times, often daily, that I have no idea what I'm feeling. And don't worry about pronouncing it properly. I've heard people pronounce it both ways.
Last thing, I usually listen to videos while doing something else so when you did your staring into the camera thing I was reloading some brass and it creeped me out.
Alexithymia you've probably watched Sam video on it.
@@garyfrancis5015 I forgot she made that. I was thinking of Anya's video.
when you did the "good eye contact" part i literally shivered and looked away.
That thing you did at the beginning with the over-eye-contact? That's me. The more comfortable I am with a person the less eye contact I make.
Wow, this is so important! It's abusive to force people to look people in the eye. If it hurts them, raises fear, causes discomfort, all that stuff, it should not be forced. I've definitely wondered how much eye contact to give people. Basically I kind of avoid eyes unless I'm saying something that I feel needs to be heard on purpose, some encouragement or validation. I'd much rather be doing something like cleaning while talking to people to avoid awkwardness of wondering how much is enough.
I'm not diagnosed or anything but I do relate to a lot of autistic traits. Usually I don't think of eye contact as a problem but this video made me realize that I don't really make real eye contact much (if at all). I always look right around someones eyes; at their eyelids, their glasses, their nose, their makeup, but never directly in their eyes.
I have a good memory and remember details about people's eyeshadow color or glasses, but I can never for the life of me think of what color someone's eyes are and I think I just found out why. Even for people I like who I look at all the time, eye color is a complete mystery even though I can visualize every other part of them clearly.
If someone has something stuck in their teeth it’s the first thing I will notice because I tend to look at the mouth or the shirt 👕
When I do make "eye contact", I have a near impossible task of trying to figure out where to look while trying to follow the conversation. It usually ends up in me missing parts or all of the conversation. You might as well ask me to juggle a can of gas and a flame thrower.
me: I don't think I have much difficulty with eye contact
also me: *has to switch tabs so I'm listening to this video but not watching it because the eye contact is too strong *
Great video, as always.
You'll find now that a lot of behavior analysts do not find eye contact a social significant behavior for therapists to work on. It's a split opinion now, in the field.
I only request a client to look at me (not specifically my eyes, just my face in general) to establish compliance / instructional control when I see they are struggling to maintain focus.
I love watching your videos because I enjoy hearing from all perspectives. Especially from the population I work with as that is the most important 💕
I concentrate so much on keeping eye contact that I'll forget what someone said
Making eye contact sometimes makes me lose concentration and I'll forget my train of thought but not what the other person has said. But sometimes it doesn't cause any problems at all. That probably has to do with me getting too much sensory information at once. When it does cause problems, I stop making eye contact for a little bit to remember my train of thought. And when I stop looking at the eyes, I regain my train of thought.
What you describe is exactly what I did..im not on the spectrum as far as I know, but this is what I call social anxiety. I still have pretty bad social anxiety but it was so bad up to high school that I couldn't speak in small groups of acquaintances. If someone asked me something, I could respond briefly, or maybe get a few words out to the one person I knew best, but I was asked multiple times, "why don't you talk?" And told that I was being either creepy or stuck up, and though I desperately wanted to talk and enjoy these people, I couldn't get out of my own head. Though I am still a bit shy at first, especially around boisterous people, I just force myself to remember that they are also scared which helps me to be way more friendly and outgoing because I am then PAYING ATTENTION to THEM instead of myself and trying to put THEM at ease instead, and thats the key. Fear easily overcomes the empathy shy people have and dealing with that fear is the only way to start overcoming it. I might always be nervous and thats okay because i know i can deal with it and when you do a good job of it,, you can even start to feel powerful. When you interact with someone, realize that they are just as scared of being judged as you are. This is empathy which I know they say people with autism don't have a lot of, but I think they do and are just...I really do not mean this as an insult but as a fact and it applies to me as well..literally self centered. And yes you can be self centered with extremely low self esteem. Its not the same thing as arrogance. I know how most people mean it, but I'm using it in the context of you're too worried about what is going on inside of your own head to stop and think about the other person. Our eyes look out for a reason and when we stop to remember to see the other person, we stop looking inward.
Eye contact is weird for me. I usually avoid it. If I manage to maintain eye contact, it's usually because I find something about the other person's eyes unique, and therefore I am just fixated on them thinking "ooh, that's so pretty!" and can't focus on the actual conversation.
People's voices literally get louder in my head when I don't have to look at them.. it is sooooooooo much easier to concentrate and remember what someone is saying without looking at them. Generally I end up looking at foreheads, chins, and over shoulders 😅
lmfao When you stared at the camera, giving an impression of "making eye contact", and you said, "Hi, I'm Stephanie!," I almost died. 😆😆😭 I started laughing while also feeling a pit of shame in my stomach. So embarrassing! So me!
Eye contact is waaaay too intimate. You know the feeling of someone staring at you? It feels like that
pressure against my pupils.
My ex looks at people’s mouths. I had no idea, until a year into our relationship I asked him if he knew what color my eyes were. Over the phone. He said he didn’t know. I was aghast. I know someone’s eye color and so much detail within moments of meeting them. This was foreign to me..and of course I was offended 🙄😂
I applied meaning to him not knowing my eye color...like I believed he didn’t think I was worth really noticing. Now I know better, lots of lessons along the way.
I asked him to look at my eyes when I saw him and when he did it looked like he was looking above my head! His eyes are really dark and it fooled me enough when he looked at my mouth, I had thought he was looking in my eyes!
Although he rarely gave compliments... the next compliment he gave was “you have such beautiful eyes”😂
I think it was because I had gone off on how he hadn’t known my eye color despite being together for a year! The compliment seemed a bit forced, but I accepted the effort :)
That being said, I generally can give eye contact...but it often feels weird too. I analyze if I’m doing too much, or if I looked away too much or get lost and can’t listen as well... I put on a good front usually. This happens worse when my anxiety is high, which is more often than not...in social situations, unless I’m exercising or have alcohol on board 😬
I just stumbled upon your channel, my name is bethany! I thought that was kinda cool. My little brother is autistic, he has accomplished so much and has been in the military sense he was 18 and he is now 25. He is amazing and I love your channel and the information you have to give. Your awesome! Thank you for being here to share!
In the military don't they make him hold eye contact with superiors for extended periods and if you look away you'll get disciplined or be bannished to digging holes, etc?
It's so overwhelming to look at someone's face.
It's like doing face's scan, delving into every detail of the another person.
Yep! I dont even make eye contact when I watch youtuberss/videos.
I always look at the forehead or lips. If I look too much in the eyes, I usually miss some information from the conversation. When I need to understand important information or instructions from my boss or colleagues I directly ask that they repeat the information while I'm listening with my eyes closed or looking away. It also helps me to repeat what they're saying to make sure I didn't miss anything important.
Oh man, eye contact with TEACHERS was terrifying since it felt like they were just waiting to pounce on you if you looked either like you weren't paying attention, or like you wanted to answer their questions.
To be, looking at someone when I talk is like patting my head and rubbing my tummy. I don’t experience pain or discomfort when I look at someone while they talk. But if I’m talking and want to make a point, needing to process what I have to say and how the other person is feeling is Too Much. I can make eye contact while performing or presenting, but it’s rehearsed, it’s consensual.
Like this scientific theory on why eye contact is discomforting for autistic people!
One of my elementary school teachers was always frustrated with my lack of eye contact and would offer force me to look me in the eye while explaining all of my failures... I was not a great time in my life.
The cortically blind thing is fascinating. I remember a study where a blind man was able to navigate a hallway full of obstacles on the floor, even though he was not consciously aware of the obstacles being there at all, only his subconscious brain was. It's another scientific demonstration of how we don't have Libertarian Free Will, but anyway that's a different topic. He would just make up a story as to why he moved the way he did, so as his conscious brain could make sense of it.
The same thing was done either with the same guy or a different study or whatever where a blind person was able to consistently point a laser pointer right in the spots he was supposed to, even without being able to consciously see anything.
But anyway, I don't have autism, I have some other thing sort of going on, but I relate heavily with this. If I make eye contact, it's so damn awkward and it doesn't feel like polite humans should be doing it to the extent that its done in the west and whatever, but it is what it is. Very emphasised indeed.
If I make eye contact, I am no going to process fuck-all of what they are saying. Even when I'm not looking at them, my brain is always a step behind with the processing and I can get stuck on one part and then the rest of what they say is gone, because my brain was still on something from earlier. Processing shit on the fly instantly is just not something I do. Eye contact is very distracting.
But despite literally never doing eye contact, I am very good with reading facial expressions and body language, I don't miss any of these things in conversation. I'm always in tune as far as that goes and I'm emotionally intelligent, so that's good that I haven't been hindered in that regard.
Peripheral vision is always there, and I quickly glance at the eyes and other areas of the face here and there, particularly when it's likely to provide information, I think you develop a skill for when you don't need to look at their face. There's a lotttt of information outside of the eyes and I think people who are obsessive with specifically direct eye contact, may be worse at deciphering what's going on overall...
But in any case I do plan to work on it to some degree. But not like, TOO much... I don't find it to be very hindering or important in my life personally, though that's not the same for everyone.
Oh, the article thing with the amygdala part is very interesting. Fear makes sense there evolutionarily, since we need to process this information and determine whether it's a threat or not. We are highly tuned to spotting eyes and detecting where they are looking. That's part of why we developed a lot of white around our irises. So, that might be related, I dunno.
As a visually impaired person I cannot make eye contact because of my visual impairment however what I do is instead of making direct eye contact I turn towards the person that’s speaking so they know I’m listening
I never hear anyone in my conversations, and it make me feel bad because I always have to ask people to repeat themselves.
This is social skills*
(Loses focus and does not retain information in the convo while trying to maintain appearances):
Very informative Stephanie. It's only in the last 10 years or so that I've been able to give full eye contact. I'm not autistic as far as I know, I'm dyspraxic, but I always found it difficult to give full eye contact growing up. Everyone kept telling me, to look at them when they were talking to me. Sometimes I didn't even realize I wasn't looking at them, whilst they were talking to me.
Hey Stephanie, thanks for this video! I find that eye contact topic super fascinating.
As a kid, my mum would always tell me that it's important to look at people during a conversation and to look at the point between their eyes.
I tend to either not look people in the eyes at all, or just stare at them for ever, depending on the situation, how comfortable I am with them, and what the setting is. In general, I do find eye contact to be a very 'intimate' thing.
With good friends, I can and will occasionally make brief eye contact. Sustained and over-frequent 'real' eye-contact (as in looking them IN the eye) however makes me feel very very uncomfortable and make me lose focus of the conversation, even with people I feel very comfortable with.
With strangers, neighbors etc, I will look up at their face briefly, but not focus at all (basically not seeing them...). I also noticed that I tend to look at people in a submissive (or puppy eye ^^) manner. I wonder if this can be tied with the concept of feeling fear as you said in your video.
On the other hand, there are situations where I will very gladly make eye contact:
1) I love eyes, they are super pretty. So it happens that I will stare AT peoples eyes and observe their eye color and pattern. Since this does not involve the looking 'into' peoples soul, I'm comfortable doing it (usually less the case for the person being stared at ^^')
2) Sometimes there are situations (e.g. a presentation setting) where I will search and maintain very intensive eye contact (stare) with someone as some sort of emotional support /reassurance. Happened in therapy a few times as well.
3) If I am in love with someone, I can look that person in the eyes forever. This has basically become my barometer to know how I feel about someone. When I love that person and deep eye contact ensues, it's an amazing feeling of very deep connection, trust and mutual understanding.
Wanted to share because I never really heard about people being ok with eye contact in certain situations and I wonder if I'm alone with this.
Disclaimer: not diagnosed yet, but on the waiting list for a diagnosis...
I'm new to the discovery of my autism and literally a week ago I was in a handicraft class having a conversation about said handicraft, looking at it (therefore not actually being face to face), with the teacher. When suddenly I realised my subconscious was yelling at me to look her in the eyes (face, the angle was a bit off). I realised that I didn't actually want to look at her. I didn't find it repulsive but just pointless. So I didn't and then agonised for the next 2h about it. It's like learned behavior. You have been doing it for years in a way and then suddenly do it differently (which feels bad for me, even if the behaviour you didn't do was actually bad for you [I once flipped out because my friend didn't wash the salad the same way I do] )
I realised I can describe my best friend's favourite earrings but not her eyes...
I just recently became a self identified autistic and waiting to get an official assessment, and during my own research I remembered that I have always looked at peoples lips when talking, and very little in their eyes. I never reflected on it before, more then "that part is moving", but it all makes sense now.
I honestly didn't expect to watch all 18 minutes of this, but you did hold me attention the whole time! haha! Thanks for sharing about this.
Was on UA-cam. Never been so early. Pretty much clicked right away 😂
I think you can accurately proclaim "first!" 😛
@@StephanieBethany
Haha, yay!! 😂😂 firssttt
The eyes are the windows to the soul. So when people look at us they are on some level sharing their souls. I think this is why people can often sense others looking at them. However, they can't always figure out why.
Very useful to me personally, Stephanie. When you're with a dog you don't know well, you never approach them face on, because they can feel threatened. You should look at them through the corner of your eye to let them know you're not coming for them, you're not a threat. Let them come to you on their own terms. I never realized it's exacly what happens to me. Yep, the ol' amigdala, clearly.
I can't put into words how interesting this was. The amygdala thing and how it was related to fear was completely mind-blowing, it opened my eyes (no pun intended) to how trouble with eye contact is related to having an augmented perception of the world. It also explains why I seem to be one of the few autistics that don't have an issue with neither hypersensitivity or eye contact. These two things are deeply related! I've been feeling since long ago that this made my autism less "valid" than other people's, making this knowledge particularly useful to challenge that notion in myself.
What do you mean you don't have trouble with eye contact? I believe that I might be on the spectrum, and most of the time it doesn't bother me either, but at rare times it does. Please explain if you're around or anyone explain. That would be great
Greetings. I'm here to tell you that I'm diagnosed ASD, and have NO problem giving eye contact. You are not less autistic. I've met autistics who can give eye contact.
@@limitspace5150 Being able to easily give eye contact doesn't mean that person doesn't over think it. An NT just does it without thought.
I didn’t want to do eye contact b/c my my right eye would jump & most people would say “What’s wrong with your eyes?” Also I do feel our eyes are a Gate way to our Soul. The World is a scary place. I’m grateful today b/c I can see I’m not alone *as much*. I do still wish I a had an Advocate Yes, even in my Late 40’s. I’m Proud of my ASC 👍🏼😎👍🏼more then I was of my ASD. ASC just makes me feel better❤️❤️❤️☮️.
So appreciate this video so hard for me to make eye contact w even my family or close friends.Thank you
I used to find it very hard to make eye contact, but I have forced myself to look people in the eye, and I have gotten better at it. It was very uncomfortable, but I have gotten better with it. I still have problems with it, but I have gotten better. It is very interesting that you mention that the amygdala increases activity when eye contact is made, and it is associated with arousal, and fear because I usually have problems looking at people's faces when I am aroused, or scared of the person I am trying to make eye contact with because I feel uncomfortable in those circumstances. I think that the only way to overcome this is the same way that people overcome any fear that they have. If we just go head-on into what we are afraid of even though we are afraid of it, we will overcome that fear. It is very difficult for autistic people to look people in the eye, but if we just start, it will get easier the more that we do it. It's also interesting to know that not looking somebody in the eye can translate as disrespect. I was in physical education, and the teacher made us do dance class. I was doing the two-step with a girl that I had a crush on, and it was very hard for me to look at her face so I looked down at my shoes instead because it was more comfortable, and less scary although I was still scared because I knew that she was looking at me. She was upset that I wasn't looking at her face, and she got the teacher involved, and I got in trouble. Now I realize why I got in trouble because you said that it could be translated as a sign of disrespect. Thank you for sharing that. I had no idea that it was a sign of respect until I heard you say it, and now it makes sense.
HI Bethany, I am here from a link from IndieAndie ( He's such a warm & open person - I really enjoy his content so at his suggestion here I am! ) enjoying your content also. I lipread as I have difficulty distinguising consonants & general audio processing, this has given some people the wrong impression ( Guys thinking I was "interested" in them when I wasn't )
I'm at an age now where I don't care anymore people either accept me or they don't. I have in work situations said something along the lines of "I have issues with not always hearing clearly so I lipread if i really feel I need to so that the other person is put at ease. I have excellent peripheral vision which makes me an excellent driver but during conversations ( esp with my European Husband who gesticulates a lot+++ ) it is "visual noise" which makes it very hard to "hear the words" because of all the peripheral noise going on.
I much prefer the term "unique to Autism" than the pathologised term in DSM V which is deficit centric.
You make excellent points here Bethany, NTs call us out for being insensitive when so many "therapies" ( many designed by NTs ) do not take into account the very things ( in this case "eye contact" ) that are uncomfortable - painful for Autistic people. So es well put Bethany, & yes respect is just as important both ways so any NT reading this stop expecting things to be done your way only. Our experience is real & it is actually not only hurtful but damaging to our sense of inclusion in this world that is set up for NT majority. Be fair, be kind & keep listening & taking on board the Autistic experience instead of trying to change us. Thank You Bethany for this excellent video ! : D
Wonderful video explained alot of things to me about why my grand son does not often look me eye to eye.
after experiencing depression and stress from college I eventually took off my neurotypic mask out of exhaustion and stopped trying to make eye contact. Boy did I piss off some strangers lol. Some were trying to force eye contact on me, simply because I didn’t respond to theirs and definitely wasn’t planning on it since I was already uncomfortable in the first place. But it was this stim and others that helped me understand my autism, because I feel it to be normal and find out it’s not. So I knew I wasn’t wrong and I can’t lose myself trying to always make the neurotypies around me feel comfortable. I just want to exist in peace and hopefully more people will understand that it’s not personal
Wow! When I have something important to say, ... I NEVER look at the person (people) I am saying that too.
Yup. I used to remember during my early childhood years I used to get strong tingling go through my head when I had a hard time with my eye contact it wasn't a fun experience that is when I went through a lot of speech therapy during my middle school age.
This was so important .
Thank you for doing the research & presentation . It’s deeply appreciated. ..
Omg I started laughing so hard when you went into that Bordie Collie stare mode. Oh yes I do that and freaks the hell out of others.
I was thinking recently that I was dyslexic, because I have a lot of the symptoms, and my mom is dyslexic. I don't really know many autism symptoms, but I know that this video explains me perfectly. And so do other videos about autistic stimming. I'm not sure what I have anymore.
Apparently for normal people facial expressions are a larger component of language. Personally i just learned english words instead so part of eye contact being uncomfortable is that it doesnt have a purpose besides faking normalcy
I have been advised of a trick that dancers do which is look at the forehead, nose or chin 😀
I was strangely never thought to make eye contact before I was diagnosed. My ex often accused me of not looking at him when we talked, he ment look at him and make contact but he wasn't specific about it, so for the longest time, I was really confused as to what he wanted.
As for incomfort, for me it fluctuates for day to day and from person to person. Usually more intense people will be more uncomfortable.
I have an inner thoughts when making eye contact. I keep thinking "Is this enough? Is this enough?". If I look at your face it's usually the mouth.
This was great ! As I watch these videos I see that I can relate to many of this. This brings me back to “ church “ when they say greet your neighbors!!! Ooohhh how I hated this time ! Even as I grew older and had way more “ church friends” I still never wanted to shake hands and greet people ! I would literally get so pissed ! Ughhh now I laughed greatly at this because now it makes sooooo much sense !! Idk if I will ever get “ diagnosed “ but I feel as if I may be on the spectrum and it all makes sense as to why I am the way I am ! It just kinda sucks that I feel that no one will really believe me on this 🤨. I never remembered their name and I never remembered what they even said !
I used to get accused of looking out the corner of my eye when all along I had no muscle control in my left eye. And I got punished and shouted at if my dad.
As a younger child, my daughter would NEVER look at you in the eye and fleetingly at your face. The “look at me when I’m talking to you” that parents say to their children when their being told off (for example) used to scare my daughter to bits. She just couldn’t do it. Over time she’s gotten better. We’ve talked about briefly looking at someone and maybe focus to the side or on the nose or eyebrows. (This was way before she got diagnosed years later. - a few months ago at time of writing this) Now she will look at you but only if she’s comfortable with you. A complete stranger, no.
I was told that I don't seem to be able to talk to people one on one, or when there's just a few people around. I don't look at them and seem to focus on other things. While adressing a group of 10 or more, I seem to be much more relaxed. Like I'm opposite to all of the people who hate talking to crowds. I thrive being on stage. I don't have to look at a specific person in the eyes. I don't have to "see" any of them since being on stage you're suppossed to focus on a point at the far back, above the audience. So standing infront of hundreds of people is perfectly fine to me, but telling the same thing to jsut one person, especially someone I don't know, is really awkward weird to me.
Remembering names and faces is just not my thing, like at all.
Often concentrate so much on maintaining good eye contact that I can't remember what needs to be said.
Eye contact is very difficult. It makes me nervous to look at someone’s eyes, though not physically painful. As a child, my mum would demand that I “look at me when I’m talking to you”. She would hold my chin and force me to look at her. I generally look at someone’s eyebrows or forehead.
I don't expose myself to a lot of Social, so I don't know how bad my face blindness is, but it's kinda there, a little, but eye contact is Bad particularly with new people. My Peripheral vision is bad for sure too.
These things combined with anxiety are why I'm perceived as smart in class, but a complete idiot outside of it. Possibly lying, plotting something, it's kinda awful.
When you came close to the camera and stared straight at me, I got a bit spooked even though I'm watching on the phone and the screen was small but I felt like you came too close. 😅
Basically everyone has a choice. Either I don't give eye contact and I can listen and process what you say or I can have eye contact and not listen or process what you're saying.
I've always looked at people's mouths when they talk. It just makes more sense to look at their mouth than their eyes. it's the part of a person's face that's moving when they're talking. I don't know how people are able to get so much information just looking at someone's eyes. I've always thought they were exaggerating when they say eyes are "windows to the soul". I never saw the point of looking at someone's eyes until my sister started telling me I should do it.
Fascinating video. Thank you for your good work. 😊
I always remember... 'Look at me when I am talking to you!'
8:39 - 100% called out. I'm 33 and I'm still guilty of this.
The only reason I will stare directly if somebody makes me angry and I'm trying to figure them out...
when when im listening to people talk i have to look away even when people talk to me and its easist to listen if im like doing something with my hands (i guess a form of stimming?!) while doing so, talking to them is the same i dont look at people usually bc its the most natural for me to do!! i can force myself to look at people when conversing w them but its really really hard i hate being forced to but i know in a lot of settings its most desired as uncomfortable as it is for me
This makes SO much sense to me! XD Explains a lot.
Eye contact makes me super uncomfortable. It feels very intense and overwhelming to me. I tend to stare at faces and watch lips (I didn’t even realize I watched lips until you said some people do that and I was watching your lips). I make very brief eye contact and usually look away if I’m talking about something emotional. I make the most eye contact with my husband.
I wonder if the spike in the amygdala region is related to some natural instinct? Like sometimes when stray animals have a stare down and sometimes that means a fight is about to go down.
Or sometimes even when I stare at a stray, it'll stop in its track and wait to see what kind of move I'll make. And because the stray seems tense, it kind of feels like fear compels them to this precaution.
Neurofeedback make it possible for me. My field of vision as increased a lot.
I cant make eye contact for more than a couple seconds. I have to look away. Otherwise my whole body will start to shake. When I know I'm going to be around someone. Like say work. I tell them I'm not making eye contact but I'm listening to everything your saying. My bosses have accepted this and understand. Meeting strangers for the first time is hard. They think I'm shy. Because when I talk to them I'm looking down. I constantly feel like im being judged. I dont like going out much.
Damn, another great video backed by facts and science explained by someone that has almost the exact same experience as me, lol. Way more people need to watch this. This explaination has been my theory for awhile now, and you explained it exactly correctly and easily accessable, imo.
I do actually find I have good peripheral vision, I actually use it to watch faces without looking AT the face lol.
Also, the ppl that think not looking at them is a purposeful sign of disrespect just... Boy isn't that just how everything in mental health seems to be treated, eh? Like everyone, esp the NTs it seems like, just want EVERYTHING to be about them so bad. Maybe the person you are observing isn't doing something because of you... Maybe they're doing it because of themselves and your gaze isn't the most important thing in the universe lol.
I am not autistic, but I have a VERY hard time giving eye contact when speaking to people because it just feels too intimate or even invasive... and when people give me contact, it just feels uncomfortable. Does anyone else feel this way?
This is a somewhat related but mostly unrelated comment. Sorry.
(Also going to preface with the fact that I'm not diagnosed but strongly suspect that I might be on the spectrum) Today one of my friends handed me her phone to take a "nonverbal communication quiz". She's a psych major so she finds these sorts of things interesting. It asked questions about eye contact, gestures, touching people and tone of voice. The average for men is somewhere in the 90s and it's around 100 for women. I scored in the mid 50s and that was me being generous with myself by counting my awkward flailing as hand gestures. She herself scored in the high 90s (note: she has depression and is anxious in social situations) and my other friend scored around 120 (she has ADHD and is a business major). So yeah, nonverbal communication and eye contact are definitely a bit of a problem if on the same quiz I scored less than half what my friend scored...
when i was in middle school one of my teachers called me out for now paying attention just because i wasn't looking at them, and when they asked me what she just said I repeated it word for word including the cough in the middle apparently.
Also sometimes it’s easier to listen and respond when not looking directly at someone. Sometimes the maintaining contract ends up making you unable to respond how you’d like or distracts you to the point of you aren’t catching all of what they’re saying and you also forget what to say out it just makes it difficult to focus on getting your words out correctly
Hi Stephanie
I would expand further.
My internal monologue in my head goes;
Make eye contact but not to much eye contact.
What emotion is the other person eyes saying to me.
Is my face looking to miserable am
I smiling at inappropriate times.
What is person facial expression saying.
What is the person tone of voice.
What is the speed of the person voice.
Is there other conversation going to filter out to partly listen to this conversation.
Even though with all this though process I'm not fully listening to want the person is saying.
Am I listening to a long monologue like this comment.
Is there lot different sub text to this conversation.
Is there different switches of conversation.
Is there humour is there sarcasm in this monologue I'm listen to.
So after the person stop talking you not fully listen to what person had fully said because of this inner monologue that NT don't need.
So you respond, OK or cool.
Not give a long answers listening to you key points then giving back a good answer.
So this is all autism masking, it come across to everyone that your listening like a NT.
But answering in one word answers a like a aspie.
Reading body language to I missed that out in the second paragraph.
Love this video. Your hair looks good when you've got it tied up Stephanie.
Thank you so much! This explains so much.
Yeah idk about eye contact. When i do it it feels so forced, like I just look them in the eyes non stop without blinking and intensely. And I'm so aware of it. Its really a mask, I'm always so aware of every move I make and everything when speaking to someone (except very close people) and I do the exact same things that my mother does like a perfect actor. When I'm feeling good I can do it easily, but when not it gets very overwhelming and I feel the anxiety rise, like I can't keep the character going and i don't know what to do anymore, so I become crisped outside and I shrink inside and I just wanna get outta there asap. Yeah thats my experience with socialisation now a day.
I also look away when I'm trying to access mental information and edit the many choices into the few relevant ones for cogent verbal communication. :)
Thank 💚 You🙏🕯 Similar to you... I can make eye contact a lil while listening to someone but while I'm talking... abSOULutely not... Usually pacing & looking all over.😋
when I was in elementary school my teacher said you always make eye contact when talking to someone and every time I would avert eye contact again.