Masking is More Than Not Stimming
Вставка
- Опубліковано 9 лип 2024
- I just wanted to talk with you all some more about the concept of masking and the more intricate ways it can occur and how failing to mask in difficult situations can result in poor outcomes for autistic people and my feelings around it from personal experience.
MERCH: stephanie-bethany.creator-spr...
Become a channel member!: / @stephaniebethany
Follow me on Facebook: / stephaniebethanyyt
Follow me on Instagram: / stephanie_bethany
My website: www.stephaniebethany.com/
Support my channel and become a Patron!: / stephaniebethany
Or give once at ko-fi.com/stephaniebethany
Late diagnosed ASD level 1 here.
Rule:
1. Don't try to predict
2. If you don't understand something, ie. portrayed emotions, responses, gestures, etc., then feel the Right to ask the person "I don't understand. What does that mean? What do you mean".
3. Do not let yourself feel embarrassed for breaking other people's arbitrary Social Rules.
4. The majority of the aforesaid "Arbitrary Social Rules" are not generally universal. The Golden Rule do unto others as you would have them do unto you, is always applicable.
5. The Golden Rule is easier to live by than trying to learn and follow other people's Social Rules.
6. They can deal with it.
7. Don't be afraid to not be their friend if they intentionally embarrass you for ANY sinister reason.
The golden rule does not work for me. I want different things. I try really hard and still get it wrong or am misunderstood.
@@1111fairy I completely understand. They are most likely being disingenuous and or intentionally ignorant regarding your communications to them. See number 3, number 4, number 6, and number 7. Or maybe you are on a higher level of intelligence and they cannot understand you and don't care if they don't. In that case, see number 7.
I feel you. I was late diagnosed and what drove me to a diagnostic was this very thing - I go out of my way to be understanding and generous, but that isn't reciprocated. I'm just not on the friends list. I'm on the "I need something, can you ...?" list, but I'm not on the "let's do lunch" or rent-a-movie or and-so-on lists. Keep working on it, tho, because you don't want to be 60+ and still not anyone's friends list, believe me.
Damn….yes. Me too.
If it makes you feel any better, there was a lady in her 60s, so much cooler than all the others (she had a pink streak in her hair) that because she was nice to me & taught me things my whole family adopted even though I'm 35 years her junior. Don't underestimate what you have to share.
@@Misshowzat I'm retired now and hope to explore doing all the things I never could do when I was work work working all the time. The garden is a slow plow but I do turn it, I haven't sewn anything since I was a kid but I've got a machine (or five, impulses n'all)
, and I always wished I could have stayed in art class because it seems like fun. So, we'll see. Maybe I'll find a friend or two in a craft class somewhere.
Isn't it good to hear some one putting into words, the wordless struggle of our daily existence?
I believe you cause I am 🙃 -sucks don’t it
on the other hand I have become happy to be at home and not feel those awful social misgivings that used to happen EVERYDAY
"When everyone else gets to let theirs down and be themselves, you're still holding your breath." This hits... :'(
I can relate. Sure, people come to me whenever they need something, but when there's some sort of event going on, I'm basically an afterthought.
From my experience there's a lot of social anxiety that goes along with masking, to the point of agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) or being so "on" that at times I forget who "I" am because I'm too busy being what I should be & not who I am. There are very few people I feel free to be my genuine self around & even as an adult, especially if we've spent too much time together that day that I'll have a headache & meltdown & cry or be incredibly angry that the person hasn't stopped to check in on me when they've had fun & I'm not ok.
The intelligence, yes. Accuracy, yes. But then people tell me I am bragging or showing people I am smarter than they are. I thought we were having a conversation. So I learned to just not speak on things. “Just shut your mouth. Do what they want. Be more pleasant around others.” When you were speaking in this, I started crying. Thank you for this channel. Virtual ((hugs)) to you. I am almost 60, but I am now learning who I really am and why I act the way I do.
I totally relate to the laughing all the time and what you said about it. I'm learning to slow down and breathe now that I am away from the narcissists.
It may as well be me sitting there in front of that microphone. I've been struggling with this a lot lately. People treat me one way for awhile but it always changes. They always hardcore back off if not completely disappear. It's not an if, it's always a when. It's lonely and exhausting.
Find your tribe.
Girl I feel you. I have ADHD and I feel like I can never unmask, not even 50% of it. People say stuff like "just be yourself it's fine" and then I try to let it out a little bit.. and people start telling me I'm annoying, too loud, "too much" or overly enthusiastic. This is why I can't ever be even 50% myself around other people, except maybe a couple of ADHD friends.
All of this. When you said that you wish you were worth more to the people you love I felt that all the way down to the bottom of my soul.
❤️👍
Omg girl this video is like my exact experience. When my autism symptoms are high for any reason (I'm tired, I overate, I didn't exercise enough, etc.) it's like my brain purposely tries to make everyone hate me. I start accidentally talking over people, being overly blunt, saying all the wrong things... I feel like I have to be overly accommodating and not true to myself 99% of the time to make up for the 1% where my masking falls apart. It sucks, but I'm grateful I have the ability to mask at all as I know many people who can't and life is really rough for them.
its wild how i related to every single point you made... and ive never been able to articulate it this clearly. it really does feel like im always getting called out for things that people do themselves but suddenly when its about me im the bad guy or im the one who should be yelled at and guilt tripped. and it always just feels like its not worth it to have my own feelings about things and its better to just delete how i feel because the second i try to explain myself theres no compassion, its still always about how the other person doesnt like what im doing. so then that one last mask just stays firmly in place and i reassure them emotionlessly because my feelings dont matter to you so im not going to spend energy on facial expressions now, and i swallow/delete my own feelings or perspective. which also sucks in implications, like now i dont trust my own judgement for any decisions, so i just do my best and its not always enough.. but i guess only other autistic people rly get it
To live with autism is to use the art of a thespian when a stage performance is required.
I am very selective about where I choose to perform; I made sure to work in a field that my quality of work was allowed to shine and not how peers might respond to my autism.
People will mostly understand what they want us to be and not who we may be.
Trusting ourselves is the most needed work we need to do, and in time we will be better able to sort whose opinion is to be heeded. If there is a ‘disability’ it is with our culture and its rigid view of modernity.
Stephanie, I could easily be able to deal with you exactly as you are. 👍
I think you have such good introspection about yourself. I was diagnosed last year at 48 and when I was your age, I knew I was different and felt I didn't belong anywhere but I never knew I was autistic. I am just now understanding all of the things you are talking about. Thank you for your videos. :) I can relate so much. I believe it's a disability as well, socially because I can't understand people. How many times I've wished I could be like everyone else. But, I am learning to embrace myself and my ability to hyperfocus on what's important and I excel in other areas. Thanks for another great video!
Yes! Just as she said!! I'm tired of accomodating and wishing for accomodations. Thankfully, because of YOU and other "out there" capable autistic folk, we are finding each other. So now, I don't have to wish to be like neurotypicals. I don't need to wish I could fit in. I am so grateful for learning that I am perfectly normal - for an autistic person!
I've always intensly studied people, some might say as if they were bugs. Well, I've intensely studied bugs too, and never wanted to be a bug or be included in what the bugs were doing. I can still enjoy my time with them and be facinated by their activities.
I'm very content to learn about my quirks and connect to what is usual or normal for autistics. I'm thrilled with meeting and socializing with other autistic or neurodiverse folk. I'm also nowhere near as desperate to fit in with the average bears now that I know.
Wow! I am actually not like them. For real. But I AM like the autistics I've met in the online community. No more imposter syndrome. The autistic handicap (for me) truly only comes in when I'm trying to be a round peg.
Imagine a zebra on a horse ranch, or an eagle in a chicken coop. A mason jar on a tray of pop bottles.
You can enjoy their company without trying to be like them.
It's better to be a true unique individual - YOU! Otherwise you will always be a cheap wanna be imitation. And then, who will be YOU? It's not a mistake or an oversight that YOU exist.
Yep! If I don"t have RBF = I am masking. Can have RBF only while being alone. Otherwise others think I am angry/troubled/planning something bad against them - NO NO NO that's my FACE when I am not masking!
Unfortunately in most cases we are tolerated (listened to) at work while we are irreplaceable. Hatred against us is often exaggerated by us, if not imaginary. People don't care - they like to complain ostentatiously, this does not mean they have it on their mind, it is like stimming for us - by complaining the ground themselves. Easy to say don't be bothered by others reactions :-) I understand the struggle, keep fighting.
I resonate with this so deeply. All of it. The pride in my intelligence, needing to have things right, the perfectionism, the way people "tolerate" me, the disbelief that I'm not trying to be weird or rude on purpose. I want to cry on behalf of us both. Thank you for posting this. Truly, thank you.
Stephanie, this is such a gift today- thank you! For me, you just beautifully (and sadly) expressed what is the core experience I face every day. Still so challenging and heartbreaking at 65 years old. I feel such thankfulness that we (autistic community) have each other, and super-brave and amazing people like you to help us all find the best ways to be our full, wonderful autistic selves- it's so crazy hard!!
oh my gosh thank you SO MUCH for this incredible video. You put so much of my pain and experience into words! Wow!!!!! You are amazing. And this entire thing gets even more confusing if you are dealing with a narcissist or someone who is taking advantage of you! Someone can be abusing us and we will be tricked into thinking it is our fault and we can be gaslit in to believing that we are the aggressors. I think this entire issue is a big contributor to autistic mate crimes!
💥💥💥
I just broke up with my narc!
Yeah they realize real quick that we trust them unquestionably with certain things because… we literally can’t tell; we’re supposed to be able to trust them to help us navigate socially sometimes, so we’re easy prey.
Hopefully I’ll eventually learn how to enforce boundaries….
I’m 68 year old male ADHD/Dyslexic married to a 68 year old Autistic/ADHD. We’ve been together for 23 years. I’ve watched hundreds of Autistic-ADHD-Dyslexic videos after having our grand children diagnosed Autistic and ADHD. Neither my wife so myself are diagnosed and will not be. I find autistic and ADHD people much more helpful than medical professionals. This is the best description of masking and social disability I have ever seen. It gets to the actual heart of the problem and leaves no ready solution which I believe is the nature of the problem. Your explanation is not that easy to follow and that is caused by the fact that the problem is almost impossible to explain. In fact I believe it is pretty much not understandable unless you experience it repeatedly. Thank you for your efforts and willingness to reveal your frustration and the emotions tied to this disability. I continue to learn and try to understand the nature of all our differences and this video has provided many many thoughts on how I might be a better and more understand loving person. Thank you so much.
We both are old enough to have lived through a history of autism and before ‘diagnosis’ and ‘Stage One’ were terms used with autism.
I too have read the literature on autism since the mid 1940’s and Hans Asperger then working with the Nazi’s and eugenic movements. His work could be both used for enlightenment as well as prosecution.
I live in the USA and have seen human rights such as abortion and sexual preference be battered around like a ping pong ball.
I have also noted that in Western Europe and the UK diagnosed autism has been short on resources to be helpful post diagnosis. In many places getting a diagnosis has been a cottage industry and its cost often is needed to be paid by a patient.
My partner and I did not choose to have children because of what we both had to endure being autistic. While we now have a term for who we may be and a diagnosis, the hardships remain mostly unchanged.
I find this channel's videos so helpful, because she is Frank, and also well references everything ❤️ 👏 ♥️ in a world of experts, this channel has actual very up to date and useful, practical information 👏 👍 that you can really enrichen all the dialogue on this topic - for example when dealing with professionals for your grandchildren x
I’m neurotypical, but I have a brain injury that leaves me speaking and understanding speech only with effort. Masking takes more effort than others can possibly understand, but it’s what we need to do to have good experiences with others. It’s fatiguing and frustrating, and I’m sorry we feel obligated to do it.
'they'll leave'.... painfully relatable...
This video really hit a chord with me. One of our newcomers at work started calling me "mean" because of my bluntness. After a couple of months, one of our coworkers made a really mean comment... and she just laughed. I was very confused, so I pointed it out: "Why are you laughing like it's funny? If it was ME saying the exact same thing, you would just say I was being mean..." and her comeback was "Yeah, but it's THEM. You're mean, they're not." and that just really hurt because it reminded me I don't have the luxury of saying the same things other people say, even as a joke, I must try as much as possible to keep my mask on at all times.
This had me crying towards the end. I’ve been diagnosed for 15 years and I’m only just learning that other people totally do get it…I just don’t know who they are.
The way you describe how you feel and deal with social situations is exactly how I feel and I have never told people. I'm giving you a big hug in my head right now. Thank you.
What you've shared in this video made me feel less alone, less alien, less "other," and I know it's a struggle to live and even harder (though in some ways as crucial as breathing) to share, but I'm really glad you were brave and/or desperate enough (zero judgement, nothing but awe and appreciation) to make and share what you have. I hope you'll continue to unmask. Your true face and true self are your best and most beautiful. Thank you! 🙏
I noticed myself mimicking a friend the other day. It was the first time I caught myself doing it. It was actually very freeing, I'm learning things about myself.
Masking sucks, I haven't fully figured out how to unmask myself and it makes me so exhausted. It's so annoying that society has so many unwritten rules that all the neurotypicals have the rule book too but the rest of us got that same manual in a language we don't understand and nobody is listening when we tell them what's wrong with our manual. They're just telling us to figure it out and stop being so difficult. I'm sorry that my needs seem difficult but this isn't something I can change, this is my life everyday. So I'm sorry it's difficult for you but I guarantee it's 100x more difficult for me.
💥💥💥
I've been learning about autism lately. Could you tell me something that you dont understand? I'd like to understand better.
I had to stop halfway, the feeling of hearing you articulate what I never could say is overwhelming. So super grateful.
I am 78 years old and been married 58 years to another autistic person.
We functioned at a different time, born in the mid 1940’s; Hans Asperger was a Nazi sympathizer and a believer in eugenics. Autism was then mostly described as being non-verbal, not toilet trained, and usually sent to institutions for long term care.
There were no ‘diagnosis’ or ‘Stage One’ instead if your were not neurotypical they would insist if you made a commotion to be suffering mental illness.
My partner and I have survived using as our defense what James Joyce wrote in ‘Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man’: “…I will tell you what I will do and what I will not do. I will not serve that in which I no longer believe, whether it calls itself my home, my fatherland, or my church: and I will try to express myself in some mode of life or art as freely as I can and as wholly as I can, using for my defense the only arms I allow myself to use -- silence, exile, and cunning.”
Beautifully said. Your way ahead of me in awareness and I see the path you’ve chosen as one that works. In the end what works is what matters. Thank you.
I have been working at composing my reply to your comment for some days. Your words have affected myself and my partner in significant ways. Your thoughts so reflect our life experience that we have co-oped your James Joyce quote to use as descriptors for our changed view of our past life.
The implications that awareness of autism and nuro-diversity brings, are foundational and have rewritten my past, all institutions I’m aware of and most importantly the path forward to a bright future.
Now we have the words that so succinctly describes our pattern.
“Using for my defense the only arms I allow myself to use-silence, exile, and cunning.
I now own the book this quote came from and anticipate reading it.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment it has stimulated many hours of considered conversation and provoked study and understanding. Your words are, well said!
@@WilliamFontaineJr
I have found connection through reading literature and quantum mechanics as well. The James Joyce quote has been a companion for many years.
Below a recently published book by Kae Tempest ‘On Connection’ that my partner Just Plain Cross and I have read and liked very much.
Below are some quotes you might like:
“…It is only when the person is offstage, or backstage, that they can cease the performance of selfhood or status. But for many, once the performance is over, it is hard to know who is left. Backstage, alone, the performer struggles to find the energy necessary to enquire into the quality of their character; without any of the reassurance that comes from social acceptance or the bliss of cohesion, how do you know how to be? All stages, whether physical or metaphorical, come with the same risk. You cannot let who you are onstage patch up the cracks in who you are offstage…”
“…I learned that when you have no way offstage, you will damage yourself. There are things that need to happen to prepare a person for that level of exhibition. Why am I up here? What do I want? What is it that I’m trying to do? These questions need to be thought about and answered…”
“…When I need connection the most, it eludes me. I find myself lost, doing stupid things, losing control of my emotions and slowing right down to a dead pace. Nothing but air and silence. Just when I think it’s gone for ever, that’s when it comes back on me. Out of nowhere. As if it never left. I feel myself caught up and taken and fully myself again. It’s like it needs me to have no expectations.”
Also a quote of a review by Holly Williams from the Guardian 25 October 2020 of the book On Connection by Kae Tempest
“…More explicitly, Tempest writes about being inspired by Carl Jung’s The Red Book and his theory that we possess a wild, inner “spirit of the depths” as well as a “spirit of the times”, the everyday ego that’s concerned with more immediate goals and ambitions. Both are needed, Tempest feels, but we’ve got them way out of whack. “In order to regain our balance, we need to remaster the ability to go deep, to ‘turn away from outer things’. To face what is in ourselves.”…
I never know if people read comments on their older videos. Am I commenting into a void? … anyway, thank you for this, and I’m very glad I found your channel
I read it
This stirred up so much emotion. Im not ALLOWED to have feelings or exist.
Over-policing yourself - that puts it about right. And recently I have been trying to peel away that social conditioning, but that inner controller, it is soooo hard to get rid off. (if you are familiar with John Bradshaw;s Homecoming series, older videos but he explains it so well - the whole family dynamics - and I HAD to pretend to be "normal" I was literally forced to look my dad into the eyes, he held me in place, and I could not get away.
So of course, you have to surrender and walk the eggshell dance, forget about your own needs. Put that on the backburner.
When I get into a certain situation, that stresses me out, default mode kicks in. (That is more from Complex PTSD I think but accelarated by autistm perhaps, being in a functional freeze, auto-pilot mode - agreeable, polite, the way I have been taught to behave, and it takes me about 1 week, to recover and come out of that functional freeze and be myself again.
So the quest of piercing through to my true self with autistic needs, erm quite a challenge. Yes I fidged with my rings, but I was massively shamed in order to not do "abnormal" things, so I would never rock in public or anything else that pulls attention to myself.
There’s an old saying ‘you can’t swallow it you can’t spit it out’ and that is our dilemma.
I left home at 18 and never returned; problems were only reshuffled.
I'm so glad you posted this! Thank you ❤️👋
Thank you Stephanie...I have tears... difficult memories...
Your videos are very validating...
I feel you with the people slowly becoming more annoyed by you when you are doing the same thing. I have had that happen at different times in my life where it has happened, a new person comes into the environment and the first time they were praising me for being helpful and 2 days later are saying that I am being annoying (when they said I was helpful I was confused from past experiences and when they said that I was annoying I was just yep this fits into the narrative that I am used to).
I still don't believe people when they say that they like being around me, I know that they think that I am useful as a knowledge base but actually liking me not so sure.
THANK YOU STEPHANIE 💕
I have never commented on anything until now.
Your raw honesty felt like it had come straight from my head putting into words experiences I could never describe.
I see you sister ❤️
I was diagnosed last month age 38 and so far it has been a roller-coaster.
I'm so greatful to you and wish you all the best
Stay safe
Jacqui
It sounds like you are talking about me! You helped me putting words on my experiences through my life. Thank you for this video. I sended it to my family so that they perhaps can understand me better. I just hope that they will watch it 😅
I grew up around a person, that is Autistic, she's always been herself, she's a little older than me. I've known her to never mimic other people's behaviour. I later got diagnosed when I reached 14, for having Autism, Autism wasn't really spoken about back then.
I can relate to this so much and I feel for you because I also feel for myself- I wish life could be different for us and we could have that close connection with other people on a deep, fulfilling, meaningful level.
I was thinking more about what you said in your video. You honestly remind me of myself at a younger age. ...At one time, I was hungry for people's approval. But, the day came when I realized that people's approval is fickle. So, on an unconscious level, I stopped putting pressure on myself to achieve it. You can genuinely want to make a difference in the world without it being about getting people to like you. Ironically, when I made this shift, it was about this time in my life that people started to open up to me and trust me. ...I can tell that you have a good heart. If someone doesn't currently know that friendship goes both directions, it isn't saying anything about you. It is a reflection of where they are currently at in their journey. You can only help people if they are willing to make positive changes in their life. Keep wanting to make a difference, and eventually the kind of people who know that friendship goes both ways will find you! Everything will work out eventually! Take care. I really am enjoying your videos! Susan
Yes 💥 explaining well 👍❤ THANKYOU!
Yes yes my struggles yes
"Part of my masking is pretending to let things go"🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 thats so great 👍-
My neck is starting to hurt as I am nodding in an agreement with you.
We are a bigger tribe and band than most realize.
It’s emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting for me to just function in the everyday world. Masking is how I’ve lived the last 45 years. I was diagnosed at 39 years old and have been unable to shed my “Masking” even with therapy. I wake up every morning, put on a false face, shove a fist full of lies in my coat pocket and out the door I go…
JUST ❤❤❤❤
Thank you Stephanie. I relate to this so much. ❤ I get it. I thought I had no friends, but after hitting major burnout and depression I have realised that I do have a few really good friends. I don’t know who I am without the mask but am trying to find out piece by piece. I also feel that people just tolerate me and I often put my foot in my mouth during conversation. It’s tough, but I think even autistic people can be their own worst critic. Not everyone is going to like everyone. It’s taken me a long time to realise that I can be a member of society without having to please everyone. Now to just put that into practice more 😅
Thank you so much for posting this! I hope the people around you become more kind and understanding. This was so close to my own feelings that I ended up crying with relief that someone truly understands my struggles. I want to share this video with the world, but the reason I never share them is I don't know anyone who cares enough about me to be interested in who I really am. Anyway, thank you. Much appreciated! ♥
Your comment that you don't know anyone who cares enough really hit home. I have felt like that for so long. A few things have helped (a little) with that: 1) i went to work in a place full of scientists and nerds and they were much more like me so it was easier to talk to them and they had similar interests. 2) I noticed that masking slightly less in life had a positive effect as long as you explain them your world. I found it interesting to realize that i think ppl don't like me because they don't get to know me because I never show myself and they can see that for what it is: inauthentic. Ppl don't like inauthenticity, they don't connect to others through their brains, but through their hearts and so they don't listen to what you're saying, they can just feel something is "off, definitely off". When I showed a bit more of myself while explaining my behaviour and forced myself to initiate and reciprocate more (that bit is still inauthentic because i want to run), things got a bit better. A bit. From wasteland to dry grass patch ;) All the best, Raven. I really understand what you mean.
@@histaminfo - ppl don't like me because they don't get to know me because I never show myself and they can see that for what it is: inauthentic
So masking makes you inauthentic. Yes, I feel this. This is extra harsh because as a non-masking autistic person you are par excellence authentic. The urge of being an authentic person is much more an nt thing imo. Autistics only have to drop their mask. Maybe nt people can learn from autistic people to get closer to their authentic selves.
@@histaminfo Thanks for the ideas. I'll try incorporating them into my lifestyle. I think the most confusing thing is why trying to be more like them to please them is punished by THEM for being inauthentic. I didn't realize they thought that way, but it makes sense.
Since recently coming out of autistic burnout, I've quit pretending I'm not struggling with anything. I'm looking for a trauma counselor I can afford, so maybe it's what's hurting me that makes me feel that if they really connected through their hearts, they would listen to words. I'm not sure what you mean by reciprocating, so that probably means it's something I don't do right.
Yea, I really relate to having to accommodate everyone and being tolerated by everyone until I accidentally slip on my mask because of overload or whatnot. I solely may not be vulnerable without some form of punishment without exception. It is exhausting and dehumanizing to only be allowed to cater and tend to others’ social/emotional/physical/sensory needs. I do not “get a pass” for being so low energy that I exhibit flat affect or am unable to filter myself to be palatable today. This is in both neurotypical AND neurodivergent (especially undx’d) spaces. I do not get a break, and I understand that I can’t even be allowed to name this as a disabling experience despite having to deal with it largely 24/7. Even with autistic peers, there is friction as I need time and practice to unlearn neurotypical coding/code switch. I’m always trying as hard/best I can, but it’s never “enough.” The BURNOUT is real. It’s such a detriment to my mental health and emotional wellbeing, but hey, nobody wants to “deal with” my issues/emotions EVER…so disabled by this or not, I can never be allowed to express this in any way 🙃
The concept of autism being “cute” for a while is neurotypicals entertaining the idea that they can accept change but not actually committing to it. They enjoy “trying new things,” but not actually sticking with it is how it feels like. But autism doesn’t go away, and it’s not new. It’s just been suppressed, punished, shamed, overwritten…some “disorders” are “disabling” because the social structures inhibit any other neurotype from simply being.
This hit so hard, and I will use this video to explain to other people! Thank you so much!!
Thank you for sharing, that must've been really tough. My wife and I enjoyed watching the video, and it was nice having someone else talk about masking other than me to my wife.
God bless, and keep up the wonderful effort and work. It matters, really.
Thank you thank you thank you! I am so grateful you were willing to be so vulnerable, I can see the emotion and energy this took ...
I have struggled to understand why- when I have spent my whole life trying to understand myself, working to master my emotions and communication- why I'm still lonely. When I have friends that say they care, that genuinely seem to want to support me, why I still feel unseen...
Hearing that you feeling this way too makes me hopeful I may one day have a friend like you, and we can offer the safety to each other that no one else has, so I may one day really be seen.
So, thank you...
Painful video. I'm sorry you have to experience this kind of thing. I'm sorry your friends don't understand. It's really hard to live this on a day-to-day basis. And it seems so hard to find ppl we can be ourselves around..who, instead of finding bluntness rude, delight in direct, clear, consise communication. I relate so much to what you expressed in this video. I have understanding family and still can't be truly myself. For 2023, I wish you more friends who 'get you'. There's nothing wrong with your way of socializing....just need to be with others who socialize the same way.
thank you so much for sharing your experience/thoughts. it is painful when people you thought were friends seem to be able to disengage easier than you expected and sometimes just over their assumptions of what you're thinking. and ultimately you're the bad friend. i've been kinda shocked by that the past two years. you're helping a lot of people with this video.
I flet this deeply.
Thank you for putting into words something I’ve really been struggling with lately. Sometimes I can acknowledge context and make accurate assumptions about social cues, and know what is a reasonable response… and sometimes I’m too stressed and I need to be told, because no one possibility or interpretation of what I’m observing seems more likely than another.
Usually, I understand my partner is giving me feedback. When I’m stessed, I can’t tell at all: is this feedback? Are you angry? Did I hurt you? Etc etc etc dozens of possible interpretations- can you please just tell me so I know?
Truth! I realized this and had a hard time accepting it and tested this inadvertently several times, There is not slack for us. Thank you for speaking so eloquently, I always feel less alone after watching videos of yours.
love is well... just super messy; I find it helpful to remind myself of how big the giant chasm is. They can't really remember much and have very few long term memories, and they also can't conceive that I do. dead fish at the grocery is not only attractive but many of them want to eat it.
Man, I could have done this video. I 1000% relate. Everything you said had me crying. Thank you for this.
As someone who can be seen neurotypical, I relate to this because I have social anxiety is and I think why socialization can be so difficult is because it is entirely feeling-based. Their is no rational component to it because it really has to do with instinct and instinctively making comfortable body language along with with "good" conversation starters that someone else can look at and think "hey, this is someone I like," "this is someone I can engage with". It's also more complex than we give it credit for because it usually just comes naturally to us than others. After a while, learning how to mask can be taxing with people who you don't share interests with. It also has to do with conversation and knowing how to properly communicate thoughts and feelings in a way that mirrors or relates with someone else's without feeling like you are putting up an act. I totally think that from what I understand about this issue is that communication is an art and dance not a logical problem to be solved.
Shouldn't we be on the other side of this equation more often? Like, someone could tell us, "I'm sorry I just blurted out how you were getting really fat like that -- the sun was attacking my face and I could feel my toes too much, just then," and we could say "whatever, Heather" and just forgive them? Shouldn't it go the other way my some sort of cosmic karma rule?
People think I care what others think and compare myself with others because I'm insecure or vain or something. In reality it's because I genuinely cannot tell the difference between what will get me congratulated and what will get me stuffed in a locker. I have a high sense of what I think is right and I believe everyone should do what works best for them. But that's not how the world works and it's so difficult to get a job or keep friends just based on the way I communicate and interact, even though I have only good intentions.
Thanks, Stephanie. This is so familiar I can't add to it. I am now a virtual hermit for fear of unintentionally upsetting people. Maybe I'll start a channel.
maybe nt's can't say:i feel you, i hear you, i understand you, because they really never do because they are nt. so you feeling alone and misunderstood could be a really annoying difference.
wish you find someone that sees you for you and can at least try to be empathetic in thouger times .
no one is perfect mistakes are human. to bad it has such negative outcome when you make one. i don't see it as fair. wish i knew how to make it fair.
at one point i was like aw man i wish i could give her a hug. (i'm not a hugging person and would always ask first if someone is ok with it) but i hope you feel that i really want to do something to make it less .. well lesswhat? (not sure what the correct word for it is)
Hi Stephanie. Although I'm mot diagnosed with Autism, I'm ADHD, Dyspraxic. I can completely relate to what you've said in the video. Watching from the UK 🇬🇧
I feel this so hard thank you for sharing
Sometimes when I try to be social and make friends I get so sad because I have learned and perfected a skill to get people to like me and open up to me. But then what? I can never relax and be the ”true” me because they will think I’m a nut 😂 And after have being masking all my life I don’t even know how to be myself. I sometimes try but it’s difficult and I don’t even know if that even was me or if it was just me trying too hard to show myself that I perhaps just played another roll.
I’t like standing behind a one way mirror wall, looking out and when I’m trying to show myself it’s like I’m trying to push myself through a hard silicone and bearly can stick a finger out and I’m so desperate to show myself that I just make the most out of that tiny piece of me showing that it instead just turns into another roll that I’m playing.
There’s only one person that I can be myself with and that is with my partner, and perhap it’s because he also got a neuropsychiatric disability 😂
I’m sorry if it was difficult to read or understand but english is not my first language and I didn’t want to use google translate 😂
I am not diagnosed and even my mental health providers doubt me suspecting I could be autistic. They wanna know why I need to know. And I don't know why I wanna know. I just wanna know.
At the same time you have just described how I have felt for the 40 years of my life. I feel like a bother. I feel like a problem. I tried to distance myself from people at some point cause being with people was just too complex. That strategy did not work tho. I am trying to learn to be with people on my terms... and it's hard. Cause they resist. I keep hearing that I always have things my way. Why I don't feel that way tho? Why do I feel like I am thinking about other people all the time? How to not bother them. The biggest progress I have done with my boyfriend. He is still the most accepting person in my life. But I see and hear how I am difficult for him and it doesn't feel good.
That is just stupid on their part. Stay with what you know!
@@WilliamFontaineJr I am trying to do that. Tho I have hard time being sure of what I know. I've been questioned most of my life. I've fought back. It just made me constantly so tired. I am much more tired than people around me and there aren't any obvious medical reasons for that.
Judging someone's worth by how well they can climb a tree is great if you are a monkey 🐒
But it totally sucks
if you are a fish 🐟
oh I identified with this video so much. Thank u!
Thank you for sharing your humanity.
Man, did I ever /feel/ this video.
It sucks that your friends aren't available for you the way they are for each other. Friendship shouldn't be built on tolerance... and it should be okay for you to have moments, too. I'm frustrated with them on your behalf.
I found myself distancing myself from people like this over time... and when I finally bit the bullet and cut ties, finally decided I wasn't going to wait around for them... I felt better. I still don't have many friends, but I do have a supportive partner and some online buddies. I plan on slowly restarting the whole process of making friends, together with my partner (we both cut ties with almost everyone once we started seeing the narcissistic traits of our parents in others). Our first goal is to make friends with similar experiences to us (AuDHD with a background of abuse trauma), and while this isn't a foolproof method, it will probably help if our friends understand us, too.
This isn't advice, obviously. But I do hope you find people who /do/ care about you. The real you.
❤️
Learning so much!
Thank you for this video🥰
Thanks for this video, it really, really resonates
I w never related to a video so much. Thank you for explaining what I’ve been wanting to say for years!!
I think we have alot in common, thankyou for the videos explaining .. it feels your talking about me, describing me.. never met another person with the same struggles as myself, WOW 😳 I completely relate
I share your thoughts and experiences it appears. As usual communicating about these issues helps us who are autistic.
I highly relate to this.
I think I am autistic. I live in Zambia and it's not really common around here. The hard part of this world is the richness of the culture. I can't just cry in public or take a break if I feel over stimulated .....I have to consciously remember all the social rules , remember to be respectful and to use the correct words. I don't even know where to go for a diagnosis,well I can't even afford one. I have opened a UA-cam channel to sensitize and all that stuff....... but because I have not gotten a diagnosis I fail to really express myself because I feel I'm not worthy enough to say all this🥺🥺
I just have adhd right now, but I could also have autism. So as someone who masked for a long time: Its not worth it, definately not. It sounds somewhat ignorant, but as I forced myself into connections over the years, I hurt everyone around me, of course myself the most since I forgot who I was, but everyone else around me, since they didnt know why I did what I did. Seek the people that are like you, even if you are introverted or have sociophobia because without people to share these" special" thoughts too, you will just live the life of someone else and realize one day, that you cannot get back to where you started. It doesnt mean that ignorance or egocentrism is the way, but you need to take tha mask of to see your real face for onc, wich is very difficult, took myself three years, but now I can finally seperate myself from others. Since probaply everyone learned this behaviour since childhood, society is a collaboration, not a movie
Sorry you have that experience. Personally, none of my friends are neurotypical or mentally healthy. I tend to get along with everyone on a surface level, but I can’t connect with NTs as friends. I have to be patient with everyone else’s quirks and they are patient with mine as well.
As far as masking, I’ve noticed I find it a lot easier to suppress autistic behaviors than to perform neurotypical behaviors. I call it “positive” and “negative” masking. If I try to positive mask, I end up dissociating (so I rarely do this). However, stopping myself from stimming is easier.
The result is I end up quite blank and frozen, and I simply don’t know what to do in a social situation. I only know what *not* to do.
shit, that hit home. I'm crying.
Omg for real I relate 💔
I never been diagnosed but always thought I had Asperger’s from a young age. And now it could possibly be ADD (ADHD Inattentive) as well.
I feel the more I learn about Neurotypical behaviour, the worst it sounds.
The tuning out sounds is weird, if I could do that, I would probably get run over by a car or lorry.
The inability to have feelings for another person or intimacy seems to be another.
Feeling comfortable about lying is another.
Being Violent is another.
Right? Only thinking when they "stop and think" not an endless stream of thoughts. I've always wondered when a nt said "oh. I hadn't considered that."
I know people who can't walk and listen to an audio book. Or even have a conversation about something other than dribble. Thank you for reminding me of that side of connecting with neuro diverse folk. It would be a handicap to be neurotypical in a neurodiverse world! 🤔😲🌎
This was relatable. All the different places I've been to this day I don't have any contact with them. I unknowingly masked at all these places. One day I wad talking to them on MSN live messenger and the next day, they all stopped talking to me.
Hello Stephanie! You've made another great video! Keep up the marvelous work!
I have a question by the way: Since I'm on the autism spectrum myself, is it bad that I pretend to take things as jokes rather than being literal when I'm out and about? I know that I do understand jokes well, it's just that sometimes, I still kinda have the habit of taking jokes a bit too seriously because a person who said really meant it in a malicious fashion.
I dont know that it's bad - it sounds kind of like a self protective reaction (while I often used to assume everyone meant the worst and reacted accordingly, you're pretending it's funny to avoid a potential problem I'm assuming)
@@StephanieBethany I'm terribly sorry! I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. :(
I do the same thing! Maybe to protect myself? I always have an instant response of believing anyone who makes a mean spirited joke at my expense. Usually they wind up laughing at me for being so gullible. It becomes a double joke to them and an unpleasant exchange for me.
@@JoannaSternbergUA-cam Oh, I see. I really don't mean to bother anyone. :(
Here's my take in the form of an old lippy toast:
You be you,
And I'll be me
And it it comes
we disagree -
[altered next two words from original]
Bye-bye you,
And cheers to me!
🍺
Damn.. this resonated.
Hey I just want to say that I hope you find more truly accepting friends, because you seem like you deserve friends who will stick by you.
Hi! I have autism and I hear you
This I feel so hard.
I have ADHD, i'm 13 going on 14 and going into 8th grade. I mask a lot not only in public and school, yet also at home. This makes it beyond easy to crumple, to shut down. My teachers are sick and tired of having to come to my classroom to help me. I am sick and tired of having to try to hide it or redirect it to a few panic attacks at midnight. "You're faking it." "Stop faking it" or "You're only shutting down for attention." I don't understand why people don't listen to me there are very few people in my school that understand, and most are sped kids. We come to Sped teachers to help us, but where's the help? How come the teachers trained and educated to help kids like me don't help? I mean they have autistic kids of their own, why can't they help?
I usually watch people's mouths when they speak, even in UA-cam videos. But I saw your eyes and noticed how gorgeous they are!
Problem is, every group needs to have its boundaries (including neurodiversity groups. There, its often seen as a borderline hate crime to state that you got autism and you are sad due to not getting a girlfriend.)
Limitless tolerance will allow people to say "we do not want to have you around if you are x or do y". Like Karl Popper said. ( I despise popper but there, he was right.) The other way round would be "you need to stick with that person although you despise him." This is intolerant as well. So, you will always get some degree of intolerance. No matter what you do.
Often, Liberalism solves this issue by saying "You are allowed to do what you like in the realm of your privacy but other people owe you nothing." The problem is, people are social animals and thus still need to fit sometimes.
So, you will not get rid of masking completely.
I laugh alot.
They call me two-faced.
Me too!
And if I take a sidetrack and enjoy something internally and a bit leaks out, I get all kinds of questioning glances. Oops 😬
And yeah they leave. I constantly make concessions for them. It's common decency.
But they call US HANDICAPPED.
So - I don't get why THEY aren't making concessions for us?
It feels like you are going through a rough patch
Oh, no, people aren't going to get this, even less so your undiagnosed family. Parents who are going through some cognitive decline. ALAS, as I'm aging, I got that to look forward too, rough holiday season.
I’m not trying to sound creepy but I’d love to have a girlfriend like Stephanie. She understands let alone lives my own struggles and I’d encourage her to be herself because I’d understand 110%. I try to mask as well by not stuttering as much while nervous, maintaining eye contact and not have my mind literally racing trying to keep a conversation going and thinking of what to say. I’m 35 and never had a woman love me in a romantic/sexual way due to my awkward personality (autism itself) and the worst part it’s out of my control. I do have a lot of friends who love me for who I am and therefore cherish them. Autism/Aspergers blows ass. Sometimes I’d rather wish I were low functioning thus being naive (blind to the harsh truths of the world) also about the level of potential I know that I’ll never be able to achieve
Do you guys have anything you wish people would understand about your autism? I'm trying to be a good boyfriend
Aw shit yeah I can see y u needed to get that out. I hope your surrounding people seem a bit more accepting of u now
"Masking" sounds the same as those who fake orgasms
Haha that's funny. I've heavily masked my whole life (4 decades) but never faked an orgasm. Don't know what that's saying about me.
@@anniestumpy9918 I don't believe in the claims that's very young children can mask. Or can be done without realizing to to "pass as neurotypicals". Maskng takes social awareness.
@@BipolarCouragechildren can gauge social awareness a very young age. It may not be as mature as an adult. Even as babies, they can recognize shifts in your facial expression or lack there of
Autism has difficulties with non-verbal communication etc. Yet it's been distorted now to mean the opposite.
I think that some people maybe able to mask to a point of ‘passing’ but with that is something that will not last with time (like she said the mask is going to slip) however if the other person isn’t paying close enough attention then you just maybe able to miss it like an example that I am thinking of is if there is a problem identifying emotions or something like that then that can then translate into a total miscommunication of emotions (and if you think about how your thoughts feelings and emotions are all connected and how that can drive action) I think it can definitely happen especially if you have somekinda flood and all you know is some feelings are there but you’re unsure what they mean (&are trying to tell you) which I’d say would be a constant cause of difficulties with conversations as well as many misunderstandings *in ALL of the many ways*
I’m sorry my brain is a scrambled mess right now but I REALLY hope that made some kinda sense
So inconvenient is definitely how I feel. Love your video so much and for helping me see the light and that im not alone.