Seeing these videos is an amazing eye opening experience for me. My wife and I were married for 27 years and we lived constantly with everything you describe here. I recognize now how incredibly difficult this must have been for her and feel a lot of guilt. We've been separated for 3 years, parting on good terms but never knowing about the possibility of me having Autism and she being NT. I'm just now at 55 starting to make sense of my entire life. Its emotional, sad, frustrating and a relief all at the same time. The fact we lasted 27 years not understanding what was happening is a miracle and a credit to her love and understanding. She still calls me her best friend but I believe maybe has emotionally moved on from me in a marital sense. She is the only love I have ever known and can't imagine growing old without her being a large presence in my life.
I can top that lol, but I don't think I'm on the spectrum, but its a possibility. I'm a woman and we are supposed to get people, and to a large degree, I do. Anyway, a guy I liked as a guy and loved as a person had me over for dinner on his birthday to meet his family. I didn't know what that meant until I was at his funeral when his brother said about his girlfriend at that time "we knew she was special when he brought her over for dinner." (Not on his birthday I might add). I mean, I knew he liked me to a degree but when I started dating someone else and he told me "today was the day I was going to ask you to be my girlfriend, " I was like, "no, you just think that right now because now you know I like someone else." I was wrong. He waited a year and a half for me while that relationship lasted and for another 6 months after it was over, but I wasn't ready and so he finally moved on. I now wish that I would have just tried to be with him anyway even though I was wrecked because I did love him enough to not want to hurt him (which is why I wouldn't date him at that time) and I felt better when I was with him. But I felt like I needed to wait and get over it and not have him be the rebound so to speak, but since I loved him as a friend and as a person before and I think it would have been okay because I wouldn't have been using him if that makes sense. I just really didn't want to hurt him by being emotionally unavailable and dumping my crap on him and now he's dead, and there is a small chance he wouldn't be if I was dating him at the time because he didn't have to lie to me. And I just realized that's probably why she burned me afterwards. Maybe I am on the spectrum.
Update: We got our vaccines and I got my drivers license so we went to an outdoor ice cream place the other day and then watched Star Trek after. Also we're not entirely sure if my gf is nt. ADHD apparently runs in her family and she thinks she might have it.
I'm confused how you got a girlfriend in the first place. I've never had a girl have any interest in me. I've only ever been on a second date once, and never beyond that. Based on my experience it seems pretty much impossible.
Someone with Autism has, feels, experiences emotions very intensely. When they have time to process and decipher these emotions and attempt to express themselves, the best advice I can give is to be willing to talk about the topic at length with them with interest and passion for the relationship. Not being able to process the emotions in real time along with self doubt and self criticism makes us vulnerable. Even after taking time to process, we often feel as though no amount of words, no amount of attempts to explain in different ways, no amount of time can accurately articulate all of the amazing and sincere things we want to share with you. You, the person who means so very, very much to us.
I honestly could never thank you enough for how helpful this video is for me as the NT. It brought me to tears learning what I’ve done wrong, didn’t know, or understand. However, it gives me hope and the opportunity to get better. Thank you again.
I'm curious why you even got into the relationship in the first place. I've never been able to find anyone who wants to stick around. I've only been on a second date once and never beyond that. Though I didn't get diagnosed until 3 years ago and up to that point I hadn't really been taught anything about how to interact with people. My parents let me just sit around in my room playing videogames. So at the age of 23, I was functionally closer to an 8 year old. Now I'm 26 and feel closer to the adolescent stage of life. Somewhere between 12 and 16. I still expect dating to be hard though because not many girls in their mid to late 20s are going to want to date someone who acts like an adolescent kid.
Alison Smorfitt - I 've got into a habit of saying: " I've heard what you've said, and in order for me to give you the best answer I can give can I just have a little time to process what you've shared?" Sometimes I start with a small response then when I come up with something to add I tell them. That way they love that youre still thinking about it.
re last sentence: I spend ages thinking and re-thinking stuff - a bit like an ear-worm - this creates imho reduction in self esteem as you don't quite get the bulls-eye. I can write better than I can speak when it comes to emotions. I have passions (electronics / software engineering ) that I can do on my own as much as I like which I use to recharge with. I then end up discharging as I try to communicate with people.
This was very good. Yes, pouring your heart out to “The wall”. 💔 My adult son has the appearance of having no sympathy/empathy when someone shares something emotional with him. I’ve watched again and again this scenario of him go to a blank space, no expression, no response, the wall, crickets, the sound of silence. He shuts down. Then seeing the person, or being the person who walks away gulping back tears or angry or in confused silence. Then days later maybe he will acknowledge the conversation and might even respond. Finally, i realized he was shutting down when something emotional is being shared. And that he needs to process it with a lot of time and eventually can respond. It only took me 20 years to figure that out 😞 He didn’t have the words to communicate what was happening and you just articulated it so beautifully. ❤️
I feel that. I don't shut down so much, I rather hyper focus and concentrate on what the other person is saying. Because of that, my masking slips, I forget keeping eye contact and showing emotions on my face and keep staring at a wall with a stern (concentrated) face. Now I think I might have confused people sometimes 😅
I appreciate your insights. I am LIKELY an aspie. And struggling in my relationship with an NT. And its overwhelming to get to that point of how I can meet her needs. It takes 2 to make an AS/NT relationship work. Its not just her that needs to adapt as it isn't just me that needs to adapt. It takes BOTH.
Thanks for what you said around 18:15 about trying to meet needs on the neurotypical side when you're able. A lot of the aspie-neurotypical relationships books focus on the neuroptypical having to "adjust their expectations" in order to have a relationship with someone on the spectrum and do the heavy lifting when it comes to perspective-taking and communication. But over a long-term relationship (mine is 28 years old and counting), that can wear you down, so every time the aspie partner meets you partway, it helps immensely and means the burden isn't solely on the neurotypical side. And the part about you sighing--I've done that, too, and had to explain to my aspie partner that I wasn't exasperated with him. This communication thing is a lot of work, no matter who you are.
I agree that both sides need to do their part. I feel that much of the time it’s the aspie that’s doing so much heavy lifting. I think this is especially true of aspie women. I’m glad that there are people like you out there who care to support their partner so much. 😊
They actually did research that showed overall it was the aspies that took responsibility for both sides and usually it was the NTs that stayed in blame even subtle blame and projection . I'll find the link and post it
@@hspinnovators5516 I can absolutely see that happening; so may folks on the spectrum get blamed for everything for being different, and it is difficult sometimes as an NT to accept the fact that your partner will react differently from what you were trained to expect, especially when you really want/need one thing and they do another. I can see the NT blaming out of frustration, and I can see the Aspie taking responsibility or at least accepting the blame because they're used to it. That said, no matter what your study says, it's not reflective of most of of the Aspie-NT relationships of the people I hang out with, and I hang out with a fair number of people in those relationships. It's a small number compared to the number that would be represented in a good study, but it's probably more than the average person hangs out with. So before we assume that study says it all, let's remember Aspie Rule #1: When you've met one Aspie . . . you've met one Aspie. No two are alike. And Aspies and NTs both are GREAT at blaming when communication goes south. What we both need to get better at is perspective taking and patience.
I have been dating a man with autism for a few weeks. He hasn't mention anything about his autism, but I can feel it. I noticed he is different from mainstream guys, but I don't care. He's different, he's a beautiful person and I am falling in love for him.
As an aspie, I honestly don't believe that a relationship with an NT will EVER work, unless they are extremely familiar with autism or knew about it from day one, they will only get frustrated with me and eventually lose patience and leave me and I can't handle that
@@Koba18013i agree. That said its not guaranteed that 2 autistic people will be compatible either. Been there, done that. Or maybe i have more issues than i think
I want to encourage you that what you say isn't necessarily true. I've been happily married for 21 years. Only got diagnosed with ASD three years ago. We went through a lot of hard times, but the reason we thrive is that we're both fully committed to each other. We recognize how we each bring out the best in the other. Before we had labels to define him as neurotypical and me as neurodivergent, we just knew we each had complementary strengths that could offset the other's weaknesses. It hasn't been easy, but it not only is possible, I dare say we are often seen as role models for other couples regardless of their brain chemistry. And to top it off, if I'm being blunt, I don't get along very well with other aspies/autistics. I have my own needs to work about; I can't also accommodate the needs of others, even if I understand that they have them and why.
I am NT, and I'm interested in an autistic man. I'm watching videos like this and reading everything I can find, because he won't come right out and tell me about it. I honestly didn't know anything about autism tbh, but I'm having SO many a-ha moments!
This was perfect timing. My wife and I are having issues with commination and trying to work out what is best for each side. I can relate to so much of this video. We have been married for over 13 years and found out together at the beginning of this year that I am on the spectrum. Still to this day we can sometimes struggle with our blatant differences. What can be even more challenging at times (or so it seems) is that we are both women so I have all of these emotions and feelings but don't know how to process them or verbalize them, all while she, as a woman wants to talk about feelings,emotions, spirituality,and thoughts; so that can be very difficult. After so many years, I Have gotten much better though. But I know I can still be challenging to talk to. Tips I'd like to add for the ASD side would be A) remember to say "I love you" and to do so frequently. Sometimes I think such a thing is just understood or known and I can even have trouble saying those words at times and I'll forget that my spouse needs to hear it from me. B) Remember to touch. And by that I mean to give spontaneous hugs, or try to console when they're upset. Sometimes I don't think to make physical contact such as holding her, or even putting my hand on her back or hand in a time of need. These are important things I've learned over the years that a spouse needs and sometimes expects but doesn't necessarily come naturally to me. Sorry So Long. And great job as usual. God Bless!!
I am on the spectrum as well, and I had rekindled my relationship with a single mother (she is stable and fine, but I was the problem in the relationship and it wasn't because of her as well). I haven't hangout or took her out on a date, even talked to her in person. It's just that she is busy and so was I. I would love to take it to the same level as you are now, but I have to not give into temptations that will tear me and her apart.
I’m about to get married with a woman (being a woman myself) and I believe she’s on the autism spectrum but she doesn’t think so. We have been having a lot of issues lately communicating because anytime I want to say how I feel, she automatically thinks I want to start a fight. I feel she doesn’t know how to empathize with me. I don’t know what to do and she won’t go see someone to see if she is on the spectrum.
You really have no idea how helpful this is. I found out I was autistic a year into my marriage with my NT husband who knows nothing about autism. And it’s been challenging but we are both trying to find a way that will help us navigate this. You’re one of the only couples Ive seen that has a similar situation as me , so thank you again 🖤
I've been with my husband for 11 years and married for 4. My husband is NT and I'm in the process of getting my diagnosis. This has been very helpful and reassuring! Most of our disagreements come from miscommunication.
This really helped me better understand my boyfriend. He's autistic and I'm neurotypical. It helped me understand why he does certain things that frustrate me because I don't usually understand why he does it and I'm an overthinker so I assume the worst. Now that I understand better and know to just give him time and come back to whatever subject we were talking about previously It'll be a lot easier and less stressful for him to respond and speak from his heart. I will definitely be watching more videos!!
I wish I had found this video when starting my last relationship because we went though great difficulties with everything you mentioned. on that note I also wish we both had known that I was autistic and it would have prevented a lot of grief and hurt for both of us, and prevent me going into crisis at the end of our relationship. I was so oblivious to a lot of shit. After lots of work in therapy and a visit to a neruopsych my autism is obvious.
Thank you for sharing your life and experiences. Recently, I have started to realize that I might actually be on the spectrum (more specifically aspergers) and watching your videos has helped me immensely in understanding myself. I resonate so much with things you go through and am thankful that you were willing to use this platform. You're funny and informative and seem like a really genuine soul. For a long time I have felt like I was broken or somehow messed up, but you videos helped me realize that just because I see the world a little differently and process things a little differently that doesn't make me somehow broken. God bless you and all you do.
I like people to be straight forward with their communication, and be less vague about things. I will be confused about what person is asking of me if they are vague. I’m an high functioning Aspie.
I have been getting to know someone on the spectrum and our first argument was about “not talking on the phone.” I felt so offended that after months and months-no phone talking. Finally, the resentment spilled and she said to me “if talking on the phone was so important to you-why didn’t you ever call?” 😂. Then I realized she preferred writing because she could get her ideas out better. She wanted to think things through before responding. With a language barrier and cultural barrier--she wanted to take her time. What I took so “personally” and a sign of “rejection”--was really just her making the best effort to properly communicate with me. Our first argument has led to a ten week shutdown. Rough.
This video nearly bought me to tears as it explains exactly why my bf shut down as I was pouring my heart out to him. I think this video is the best one I’ve watched on the subject of dating someone with autism. Thank you.
I have found that the way people approach starting a relationship doesn't really work with me. I'm only in high school and I'm sure things are a bit different as people get older, but I've never dated anyone because of the difference in approach. The closest I have ever come to dating someone is also one of the most frustrating things that has happened in the past few years. One of my classmates has a crush on me. I've known he has a crush on me for a while and I do kinda like him back, but when he tried to ask me out I panicked and turned him down. I feel horrible about it, but because he asked so suddenly and we were in class where there was no privacy for a one on one conversation to talk it out, I really couldn't handle it. I liked him but because I didn't have time to prepare or think it over I just shut down, noped out of the situation (literally), and tried to find anything I could to pull my mind out of the situation and organize my thoughts. Now that I have had time to think things over he's not in any of the same classes as me and even though I'm still seeing signs that he likes me it feels impossible to start a conversation because he's always with his friends and that's just too many people to deal with. Even just the idea of asking to talk to him alone is terrifying because it's not just his reaction I would have to deal with but the people around him as well. I hate it because logically this kind of thing shouldn't feel so physically impossible but even thinking about it is overwhelming and I feel chained down. I really do want to start dating but I feel like in order for it to work I would need to have some way to really explain my needs. I really think I may be autistic, and being able to say so upfront would make things so much easier, but I've never been diagnosed and it just feels wrong to mention it if I'm not 100% sure
Self diagnosis is valid! Good luck to you! I remember making a guy who asked me really quickly and fluffed it & wouldn't ask again. He dated someone else in my class, it didn't go well. My husband didn't ask, it was a few weeks in we acknowledged we were actually going out. That's got positives and negatives. I have been diagnosed in my early forties. My mum thought my husband's autistic when I first introduced him, rudely and inappropriately. He's not that interested in assessment. But has got traits. There are elements of this video that fit both of us. Statistically autistics are far more likely to date someone who is not NT, I'm sure I've read that there's been a few studies on that.
This is so helpful!! Thanks for taking the time to share these tips and experiences. I am neurotypical, and have been in a relationship with a womderful autistic man for almost 13 yrs. It has taken a long time and 2 breakups to finally get to understand each other,and communicate our needs effectively, for the most part 😅. I didn't know he was autistic until year 6 of our relationship. We have now been engaged for almost 4 yrs, thanks to COVID, but looking forward to continuing to improve our relationship and understanding of each other. He's definitely worth the time and patience! ❤️. After this video I now understand a couple more of his idiosyncrasies. Keep them coming! ❤️
Good tips 👍 I personally have a thing, where texting takes energy out of me like nothing else does and it's incredibly difficult trying to date for me in the modern world.
I understand what you were talking about in terms of communication and feedback. I'm someone who cares too much about how people are doing/feeling, and sometimes I want to help but I don't know how to help. It's frustrating, and yet I do my best every day to help. I was diagnosed with autism when I was 21 years old. I do well communicating through writing, and I have gotten better over the years with verbal communication, even though sometimes I still miss the point someone is trying to make.
The decision making part is so spot on. It's especially difficult to make a decision when it doesn't affect *me* and I just want the other person to decide. E.G Being told that it's up to me to go to Store X or Store Y when I don't have a preference. They're both stores I have to drive to. They're both equal options, I don't want to choose.
Thank you so much for this video! I am an NT and have been navigating this with a friend of mine on an intuitive level. It has taken me years and a lot of patience and, as you said, “giving the benefit of the doubt” and it has been a slow go, but seems to be working. However, this video of yours has now brought to light the why’s and how’s. I am now going to keep in mine all the things you have shared and try to implement them into how I interact with my autistic person. I so appreciate you and this video you posted! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!
Probs shes being helped by a good therapist and a lot of reading about autism. Thats what im doing. I couldnt articulate a lot of things about the way i function.
I just discovered you today. This is the second video of yours I’ve watched today. I’ve subscribed. I love the way you describe things and seem to have a good awareness of fairness to both sides. I so appreciate that. I feel that my relationship with my ex might’ve worked if the communication and give and take would’ve been better. It was tough because he wasn’t diagnosed until 10 years and a kiddo together. I had to know what was causing the great disconnect. I’d worked on all I could think of on my side and tried so many different ways to express needs, carefully, without triggering defensiveness or counter attack. It mostly didn’t work. I had no idea of the immense paradigm differences. Since I didn’t know he had Aspergers, I only applied my NT beliefs and rules. Per that system, what he often did was alienating, disconnecting and hurtful. With a new lens, I see it differently. Unfortunately, because a decade of hurtful interactions had accumulated...it was very hard to resolve. Sorry about the long tangent😬... I wish I had found you years ago, but am grateful that you are here. You share in a manner that truly helps, is relatable and very helpful. You’ve definitely found your purpose, at least one of them. Thank you for shining a light on the subject. Thank you for being fair and open. You are appreciated.
Stephanie, thank you for posting this and for sharing your experiences in an autism-neurotypical marriage. This was really helpful. I am in a neurodiverse relationship where my boyfriend is on the autism spectrum, and I have a lot of traits that would suggest I may be neurodiverse as well (but not necessarily autistic). So, it's been very confusing and stressful for me to have communication problems in my relationship when we are so similar in so many ways! I didn't understand what was causing our issues, and why there was a "language barrier" between us. This relationship has really shown me how different we all are, and how important it is not to jump to conclusions about people's behaviors, words, and motives. I think this relationship has helped me to become a more loving and open-minded person. It's just been hard for both of us to meet each other's needs and feel "seen" and accepted for who we are, consistently. I'm so happy you two are happily married. Thanks again.
i’m so glad I found your channel! I am engaged to a neurotypical guy (I was diagnosed with ASD when I was 16 i’m now 24) and we have began to hit some obstacles with this, so it’s amazing to hear i’m not alone in being in a neuro diverse relationship.
This was really great, and I didn't mind the video being long - in fact, I could have probably listened to you talk for an hour or more because this is just so helpful and relatable for me (I am married to a man with Autism). I am trying to learn everything I can about how he thinks and what he needs. Some of the things you said brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this information. You seem to have a really good awareness of your needs and the needs of others and how you might appear hurtful to others - my husband doesn't have this awareness about himself. You give me hope that he can learn this awareness though! God bless you.
I just got to this vid and glad it came to me. My partner is adhd/autistic. Your explanation is so clear and yes it is hard being in a relationship every relationship is hard not just with ppl with autism or adhd. Learning to understand the person is a good way to go. Thank you for your video it really helps. Going to rematch until everything sinks in.
Love this! Wow! I'm the NT. Everything you said, was exactly what happened. Thanks for the information! I had no idea what was happening for 4 years. 👍
I'm an Aspie myself and my neurotypical fiancee and I have been together for 7 years now. There were situations you described that really resonated, so thank you for making this video.
I'm usually the one who drives. My partner trys to make me make a decision where we want to go, I don't know so I just say I don't know and end up driving home because they won't decide anything then they're usually really mad when we get home.
By saying you "don't know" you're putting the responsibility of decision making on to your partner. You're expecting them to decide for you both, then if it does'nt work out , they get the blame. Try to decide together before you leave home. Speaking from experience.
Thank you for this video! It took my wife and I, 7 years to figure out all the issues you addressed in 20 minutes. If Id come across this video when we first met, it would have prevented so many struggles. You are so right on with the tips you offer. I hope others see this. Seeing this now, at least I know that what we've been experiencing in our relationship is normal for our situation. There are others that have the same struggles. We are not alone!
I'm so glad that I found you! I'm married to an autistic husband who will not even talk about any of this... He does not accept and gets very angry when I bring up that he "could be autistic..." It is a lonely and frustrating place where I've been for almost 20 years... Not sure how much longer I will.😢
Giving the benefit of the doubt. I'm autistic and I didn't know it nor did my partners. So often it seemed like they were looking for ways to believe they weren't loved. Now I understand I was missing a lot of cues. Thing is, when I didn't understand their behavior, I gave them the benefit of the doubt.
Thanks for making these. As someone who grew up with a lot of these issues but having to re-wire myself to be "normal" it helps put these experiences in context. Also, there people I am friends with who are on the autistic spectrum but maybe I didn't consider this and find myself getting mad at them for not responding to my questions or not acting the way I've been conditioned to expect as "normal" (from having to train myself to pass as normal it's sometimes angering to have to deal with people who haven't been able to). Your videos help me understand their point of view and that I need to cut them some slack and not take their behavior personally, which is too easy to do. I guess part of my frustration comes from all the work I've put in to be able to follow the rules of expected behavior and when I see others who don't follow that I feel like they're not willing to meet me halfway. But maybe that's not their intention or their fault.
Wow, I feel so seen. Thank you especially for reminding us that the fixations and emotional distance is more about lack of awareness of the emotions going on than it is about disliking the partner. In my mind, someone who loved me would want to look at me and show passion for me, and I’m learning that’s it’s not personal at all, and that love that looks different than I thought can still be love.
Hiii Stephanie...I JUST SUBSCRIBED....YEAAAA!!! THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!!!😍. This is SOOOOO HELPFUL, I almost cried while listening as I just entered a relationship with a beautiful Autistic/Neurodiverse gentleman. I wish I knew these thing before, but I'm here now 🙂. It feels overwhelming, but I absolutely am up for this amazing journey. My prayer is that he is as patient with me (Neurotypical) as I am willing to be with him. Thanks soooo much...sending XOXO & Blessings to you and yours 🙂🤩
I could literally cheer and throw glitter, I love this video so much. The way you articulate your perspective but also the perspective of a NT person (I’m severe adhd / NT) and I can’t thank you enough. When the guy I care about shuts down it’s out of no where and sometimes for days or weeks. Not knowing it’s coming, not having any idea if it’s something I did or not, and not having any communication from him is painful for me. But this also helps me to cope because I’m learning what he goes through and how he thinks. Thank you so much for this video
Thank you very much, Stephanie, for these tips! I found them quite helpful. I myself have autism and seek a successful and harmonious relationship with a neurotypical woman. I will take note of all these things you have discussed and apply them. I can relate to some of the things that you have shared about yourself, such as having things explained more than average to me and in simple, black and white terms. I definitely get a lot of nuance in some areas but when it comes to receiving directions about doing something, from a boss or a family member or whoever, direct and cut and dry communication is a must. Also, I am really happy for you, a warm Congrats on five years with your man!! Wish you both a lifetime of love, understanding, and fun together!
Thank you, this was all so helpful! I do the sigh thing too, sometimes I don't feel like I'm getting enough air (especially in stressful situations) & that has been interpreted as impatience or annoyance.
l have this constant communication break down at work all the time, and as you say with my partner too understanding what they mean and trying to make them understand me wow its such hard work Really unreal lm dyslexic too ect ect
I'm diagnosed at 59, few months ago. Finally I understand why my marriage had broke after 13 years and why my relationships with friends or lovers didn't last for years.
Thanks for sharing your experience. This helped me to understand what went wrong when I got into a relationship for the first time in a long time a little while ago. That led me to learn about myself and how a relationship works re-opening emotional wounds I'm healing from that stuck with me since my teens. And i just turned 30 lol.
I have ASD myself, but I am currently still single. I would like to be in a relationship, but it's just hard for me to get there since social interactions don't come natural to me. Luckily for me, I was diagnosed at a very young age. I was diagnosed with autism when I was 3 years old. In addition, I was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 18. I do still feel like I can have a successful relationship with an NT especially since I'm high functioning. I think a lot of the challenges in these types of relationships can depend on where the autistic person is on the spectrum.
What I want to absolutely point out is that you should make it clear that autism is a spectrum. We cannot expect the same things from every high functioning autistic person. You seem very connected to your inner self, but my experience and other experiences I read about on reddit etc. are very different. Some Aspies really lack depth in their emotions. Their emotional intensity is very low. Oftentimes people just give up on them and it's really best for ones mental health to be frank. We must think of our wellbeing first! They won't change... they look like they changed but inside they are just the same. No matter how much you try to communicate your feelings (i even tried drawing once), they won't get it. They do get that there is something that is missing and with which they don't relate at all, but they essentially can't change their reaction to it because "it doesn't feel genuine". It is an empairment that hurts people around them and when you ask how they feel about it, sometimes the answer, as painful as it sounds, is "nothing", they feel nothing. You cry, they just stare... they hurt you in some blunt way, they just say "sorry" mechanically. It hurts like a punch in the gut! SIDE NOTE : add ADHD to that, and everything you agreed upon, like how to help you in managing a situation etc, all the steps ... well they will just forget them ... And, for those who struggle with similar situations, it is NOT your fault, it is NOT your duty to change this, You SHOULD move on
It's often even more difficult if both are autistic, because we don't always understand other's perspective easily and our issues and struggles can be extremely different. For instance, many people have problems travelling which I don't have the slightest problem with, while I have a very, very hard time to be in time to different events and have even missed flights occasionally. Not all autistic people have that problem and they can be really annoyed or even angry with me.
My situation is exactly like yours! It’s been quite a challenge buuut we’ve been growing and learning so much together. He really is doing his best to understand me even when I don’t understand myself half the time haha this is such a great video for me, thanks for posting 🖤🖤🖤
My partner hasn't been formally diagnosed with autism yet but that is what has been concluded so far. It's been really tough, to the point where I believe it's the end for us. A lack of communication has always been the main issue however, it's gotten to the point where he has been stonewalling me consecutively for the last 2 months. It's had an traumatic effect on my own mental health. From the start I've always been clear and concise about how his behaviour is affecting me, what the problem is, what I need him/us to do to work on resolving matters. I've never left room for him to try and guess....but it doesn't seem to click with him. I would have imagined if I'm spelling it out to him that I am in pain from what is happening, he as a man in his late 30s would at least be able to recognise that something isn't right and he needs to do something? At times I feel like there's some narcissism there too - But I end up explaining it away to myself as "He doesn't get it". Surely stonewalling your partner for 2 months is not acceptable right...refusing to communicate, to the point where I didn't even know if he was dead or alive? Even if he is autistic, a man with these many years of life experience?
Thank you so much for this video. I’ve been dating this amazing girl for the last few months but I felt like she was keeping me at an arms length but after some research I believe she’s autistic and it explains so much! Now I just need to figure out how to be a better partner to accommodate her needs.
Thank you so much! I have a friendship with someone who is autistic. This helps me to understand him better. Sometimes he'll do something that makes me feel like he doesn't want to be friends but now I know that's not it.
You sound a lot like me and your husband sounds like mine! As far as the traveling, trying new foods etc. We both like to travel but i don’t really like trying too many new foods lol
I have a really hard time at deciphering what flirting looks like, and I tend to misread things a lot. And I tend to obsess about possible outcomes. For example, today I was drawing at Starbucks and a woman came up to me complimenting my artwork. She mentioned that she plans on doing computer work for the rest of the month at this location and she wondered how often I come here. She smiled and we shook hands and introduced ourselves. She was smiling the entire time. My instinct is to assume that she just really likes my art and wants to see some more of it next time. But the other part of me thinks that she was flirting.
I notice your charismatic demeanor. An elastic, welcoming, expressive face very easy to read. So much lilting, inflection and range in your prosody, which holds my interest, thanks to all the warm, inviting, laughter. Your language is not literal and concrete, but peppered with abstractions and emotions, and imaginative examples, again holding the viewer's interest. You seem like a neurotypical! Sadly, the deficits in an NT/ASD relationship revolve around the observable engagement, interest, playfulness, charm and warmth that you demonstrate in this video, which NT spouses are deprived of, once the relationship has been secured and she is no longer his special interest. I am not saying you are not autistic! Just that perhaps certain researchers are right, and ASD presents very differently in men and women.
I’m 17 and just always have been so frustrated when it comes to how I communicate and just the best way I can explain it is, when it came to school or talking to strangers I was always so focused with how strangely I talked or explained things so I always tried my best not to confuse people (I’m definitely not so well spoken in every day conversation btw) but people always pointed out me to how they sometimes wouldn’t understand what I was trying to say and it was always so frustrating and at some point about a year ago I had started doing research into people on the spectrum and the more and more I discovered the symptoms and signs the more I had really felt comfort in what I had done all my life and even realizing I had suppressed some things I would do in public just because I didn’t feel comfortable doing them in public even though I would do them in secret. But every single time you had told me the struggles of dating a neurotypical person I would immediately start crying just because of how much it helped to know that there wasn’t something wrong with me ig, like having a reason for as to why I am like that and just not realizing how hard it is to get through life trying so hard to keep up with peoples standards, thinking your so dumb or just different and always feel so bad and just blaming yourself as the problem. But the thing is, with how much comfort I feel saying that I act and feel the way I do because I’m on the spectrum, I can’t help but feel as if it’s ignorant just saying that, I feel as if I can’t just outright say it as long as I’m not diagnosed. But thankfully next month I can talk to my therapist about seeing if I really am on the spectrum. I just wanted to let you know that this video at least helped me somewhat with my mental health journey, Thank you.
Thank You for sharing your own experiences. That is helpful. I have a different learning disability which for a long time was undiagnosed and then dyslexia came up as a possibility. I married a sweet Man who is Autistic. There are times when we do have struggles and there are things that I need to work on to understand really what an Autistic person goes through but, obviously my own learning disability can make that a challenge. Peace and Blessings..
Good video! I think the first point you talked about which is giving signs in a relationship is just so stupid for everyone to do. A woman and a man should always communicate verbally what their intentions are or what they want, because nobody will be able to read your mind ever, unless you have lived together for a long time and know each other inside and out.
Solve 70 of communication problems in relationship. Stop playing games, and stop assuming. Speak direct, check understanding. If this didn't occur, it doesn't count. Also, let go of having to be right. What's more important, your ego or your relationship? Convers to understand rather than to establish who is right. Especially because the one who "was right" doesn't mean they don't have things they can improve, and it doesn't mean that the "one who was wrong" wasn't reacting to it.
Thank you. Thank you. This is the best video I’ve found that explains my love. I don’t know if he knows he is autistic (very high functioning); we been together for almost 8 years and I thought he was ASD about a year and a half in. Then thought maybe just narcissism. Your (and other videos prior although this explains it best to me) video takes me to the best understanding currently. I feel so much clearer on his responses and mine to his. My eyes & heart are so much more open and I feel calmer about how I speak and share with him. With us. Together. I am curious if anyone here, how did you know you were? What took you to the doctor to get the diagnosis? Should I say something? Or just know things who he is?
Definitely relate to this! Communication is sometimes difficult for me and my partner because he is even more abstract and non-literal than the average NT person, whereas I need much more direct and straightforward communication, so he gets frustrated with me when I don't understand him. He also gets frustrated with my inability to make quick decisions, he feels like he is the only adult in the relationship sometimes when he has to call all the shots. But that's because making quick decisions is just difficult for me, I need to really evaluate the options - and to make things much worse, we're long distance and often when I visit him and he wants me to make a decision, I don't know what the options entail because I don't have them where I live and therefore I have very minimal information to base my decision upon. Like, if he asks me to choose between two hamburger restaurants that I've never tried before, how am I to know which one I'd prefer? I try to ask questions to get something to base my answer on and he accommodates to a certain point but after a while he wants me to just make up my mind and tells me it's not that big of a deal so I should be able to just pick one
I have no relationship by choice. I became tired of trying to work out all those mindgames, strategies and ridiculous behaviour that goes with relationships. As the years go by fewer and fewer women pay me any attention, and I am happy with that. I also fear intimacy. People fear being alone, personally I like it.
not everyone likes playing mind games. I'm not autistic but im neurodivergent due to being intellectually gifted (high iq) so i relate to autistic symptoms. it's rare to find the right people for us but out of 7.8 billion humans on planet earth they're bound to exist. if you really do truly prefer to be alone, that's a valid life choice too
I’ve never heard anyone explaining how I feel in a relationship That was really dope And yeah my husband to be and I both found out that I’m on the spectrum and this video applies to us so much He even likes to change things in the house 😂 He was so sweet and patient with changing our old bedroom
When you mention touch as a response, i usually touch my Man's arm as a way of saying "Honey, I love you, i am listening, i just don't know exactly how to respond right now" Not sure if he picks up on that. But i am trying to find ways to communicate properly if i cannot be verbal for the time being.
Awesome... Definitely not too long you explain things where I can really understand them and now I can show them to my wonderful hfa man And he will know that I know where he’s coming from and vice versa please don’t shorten your videos every word you said was important thank you Stephanie
Thank you so much for sharing this. . This sheds so much light on my experience. I'm nt, and my partner is an Aspie. We've just found out. . and gosh. All of a sudden, so many things make sense. And, I want to make sure that I'm supporting him in the best way possible. This insight, is invaluable. So, thanks again!
This video was surprisingly informative for me. I wasn't sure bc i have never watched a video about how autism manifests in woman as i have a male partner on the spectrum. Very well articulated which is actually a trait I really like about my partner. I'm a bit impulsive as I am actually neurodivergent but I have ADHD
This was awesome!! Super specific and compassionate and useful. Congrats for getting through those tough patches within your relationship. It seems like you also gained a lot of wisdom which I’m sure took a lot of effort and at times was painful. I admire you a lot for making these videos to share this important knowledge with people who need it! ❤
Yep on the meltdown part and cause. This is especially hurtful if it's a parent who does this because I want them to be happy with me. Thankfully, I totally don't have this problem with my wife. She's a sweetheart.
I just recently have started to except that I need to be tested and I’m probably on the spectrum and this really sheds A lot of light on the relationship issues I had with my ex
It takes alot of pressure people who are Autistic like I am in a relationship I don't take them seriously. My long-term relationship was 4 years from a long distance now I've been single since 2016. I shut down fast or don't pay attention to the person that I love and that for me is to much hard work.
Me sighing deeply while watching this, cuz it resonates so well and I relate and feel you. My husband in the same room as me asking if I'm mad... About who knows what! Ahh! Lol!
Seeing these videos is an amazing eye opening experience for me. My wife and I were married for 27 years and we lived constantly with everything you describe here. I recognize now how incredibly difficult this must have been for her and feel a lot of guilt. We've been separated for 3 years, parting on good terms but never knowing about the possibility of me having Autism and she being NT. I'm just now at 55 starting to make sense of my entire life. Its emotional, sad, frustrating and a relief all at the same time. The fact we lasted 27 years not understanding what was happening is a miracle and a credit to her love and understanding. She still calls me her best friend but I believe maybe has emotionally moved on from me in a marital sense. She is the only love I have ever known and can't imagine growing old without her being a large presence in my life.
My Girlfriend: We should get ice cream sometime :)
Me: OK
Me, two minutes later: Oh she meant like as a date
Fuuuuukk I can relate to this so much. The Berg be like " GoT eM "
I can top that lol, but I don't think I'm on the spectrum, but its a possibility. I'm a woman and we are supposed to get people, and to a large degree, I do. Anyway, a guy I liked as a guy and loved as a person had me over for dinner on his birthday to meet his family. I didn't know what that meant until I was at his funeral when his brother said about his girlfriend at that time "we knew she was special when he brought her over for dinner." (Not on his birthday I might add). I mean, I knew he liked me to a degree but when I started dating someone else and he told me "today was the day I was going to ask you to be my girlfriend, " I was like, "no, you just think that right now because now you know I like someone else." I was wrong. He waited a year and a half for me while that relationship lasted and for another 6 months after it was over, but I wasn't ready and so he finally moved on. I now wish that I would have just tried to be with him anyway even though I was wrecked because I did love him enough to not want to hurt him (which is why I wouldn't date him at that time) and I felt better when I was with him. But I felt like I needed to wait and get over it and not have him be the rebound so to speak, but since I loved him as a friend and as a person before and I think it would have been okay because I wouldn't have been using him if that makes sense. I just really didn't want to hurt him by being emotionally unavailable and dumping my crap on him and now he's dead, and there is a small chance he wouldn't be if I was dating him at the time because he didn't have to lie to me. And I just realized that's probably why she burned me afterwards. Maybe I am on the spectrum.
This is me
Update: We got our vaccines and I got my drivers license so we went to an outdoor ice cream place the other day and then watched Star Trek after. Also we're not entirely sure if my gf is nt. ADHD apparently runs in her family and she thinks she might have it.
I'm confused how you got a girlfriend in the first place. I've never had a girl have any interest in me. I've only ever been on a second date once, and never beyond that. Based on my experience it seems pretty much impossible.
Someone with Autism has, feels, experiences emotions very intensely. When they have time to process and decipher these emotions and attempt to express themselves, the best advice I can give is to be willing to talk about the topic at length with them with interest and passion for the relationship. Not being able to process the emotions in real time along with self doubt and self criticism makes us vulnerable. Even after taking time to process, we often feel as though no amount of words, no amount of attempts to explain in different ways, no amount of time can accurately articulate all of the amazing and sincere things we want to share with you. You, the person who means so very, very much to us.
I honestly could never thank you enough for how helpful this video is for me as the NT. It brought me to tears learning what I’ve done wrong, didn’t know, or understand. However, it gives me hope and the opportunity to get better. Thank you again.
Mackenzie Casner Thank you💕 I promise, Aspies really appreciate when NTs accommodate us for a change😊 Thank you for being wonderful!
I'm curious why you even got into the relationship in the first place. I've never been able to find anyone who wants to stick around. I've only been on a second date once and never beyond that. Though I didn't get diagnosed until 3 years ago and up to that point I hadn't really been taught anything about how to interact with people. My parents let me just sit around in my room playing videogames. So at the age of 23, I was functionally closer to an 8 year old. Now I'm 26 and feel closer to the adolescent stage of life. Somewhere between 12 and 16. I still expect dating to be hard though because not many girls in their mid to late 20s are going to want to date someone who acts like an adolescent kid.
Alison Smorfitt - I 've got into a habit of saying: " I've heard what you've said, and in order for me to give you the best answer I can give can I just have a little time to process what you've shared?" Sometimes I start with a small response then when I come up with something to add I tell them. That way they love that youre still thinking about it.
re last sentence: I spend ages thinking and re-thinking stuff - a bit like an ear-worm - this creates imho reduction in self esteem as you don't quite get the bulls-eye. I can write better than I can speak when it comes to emotions. I have passions (electronics / software engineering ) that I can do on my own as much as I like which I use to recharge with. I then end up discharging as I try to communicate with people.
This was very good.
Yes, pouring your heart out to “The wall”. 💔
My adult son has the appearance of having no sympathy/empathy when someone shares something emotional with him.
I’ve watched again and again this scenario of him go to a blank space, no expression, no response, the wall, crickets, the sound of silence. He shuts down.
Then seeing the person, or being the person who walks away gulping back tears or angry or in confused silence.
Then days later maybe he will acknowledge the conversation and might even respond.
Finally, i realized he was shutting down when something emotional is being shared. And that he needs to process it with a lot of time and eventually can respond. It only took me 20 years to figure that out 😞
He didn’t have the words to communicate what was happening and you just articulated it so beautifully. ❤️
I feel that. I don't shut down so much, I rather hyper focus and concentrate on what the other person is saying. Because of that, my masking slips, I forget keeping eye contact and showing emotions on my face and keep staring at a wall with a stern (concentrated) face. Now I think I might have confused people sometimes 😅
I appreciate your insights.
I am LIKELY an aspie. And struggling in my relationship with an NT. And its overwhelming to get to that point of how I can meet her needs. It takes 2 to make an AS/NT relationship work. Its not just her that needs to adapt as it isn't just me that needs to adapt. It takes BOTH.
Thanks for what you said around 18:15 about trying to meet needs on the neurotypical side when you're able. A lot of the aspie-neurotypical relationships books focus on the neuroptypical having to "adjust their expectations" in order to have a relationship with someone on the spectrum and do the heavy lifting when it comes to perspective-taking and communication. But over a long-term relationship (mine is 28 years old and counting), that can wear you down, so every time the aspie partner meets you partway, it helps immensely and means the burden isn't solely on the neurotypical side. And the part about you sighing--I've done that, too, and had to explain to my aspie partner that I wasn't exasperated with him. This communication thing is a lot of work, no matter who you are.
Oh wow! 28 years is a long time - how awesome!
I agree that both sides need to do their part. I feel that much of the time it’s the aspie that’s doing so much heavy lifting. I think this is especially true of aspie women. I’m glad that there are people like you out there who care to support their partner so much. 😊
I noticed that both of us feel we are doing the heavy lifting lol
They actually did research that showed overall it was the aspies that took responsibility for both sides and usually it was the NTs that stayed in blame even subtle blame and projection . I'll find the link and post it
@@hspinnovators5516 I can absolutely see that happening; so may folks on the spectrum get blamed for everything for being different, and it is difficult sometimes as an NT to accept the fact that your partner will react differently from what you were trained to expect, especially when you really want/need one thing and they do another. I can see the NT blaming out of frustration, and I can see the Aspie taking responsibility or at least accepting the blame because they're used to it. That said, no matter what your study says, it's not reflective of most of of the Aspie-NT relationships of the people I hang out with, and I hang out with a fair number of people in those relationships. It's a small number compared to the number that would be represented in a good study, but it's probably more than the average person hangs out with. So before we assume that study says it all, let's remember Aspie Rule #1: When you've met one Aspie . . . you've met one Aspie. No two are alike. And Aspies and NTs both are GREAT at blaming when communication goes south. What we both need to get better at is perspective taking and patience.
I have been dating a man with autism for a few weeks. He hasn't mention anything about his autism, but I can feel it. I noticed he is different from mainstream guys, but I don't care. He's different, he's a beautiful person and I am falling in love for him.
As an aspie, I honestly don't believe that a relationship with an NT will EVER work, unless they are extremely familiar with autism or knew about it from day one, they will only get frustrated with me and eventually lose patience and leave me and I can't handle that
That’s what I'm thinking. I think we are all human beings but my thinking and her thinking patterns. Might not workout in the long run.
I completely agree because of my experiences, relationships in life 😢
@@Koba18013i agree. That said its not guaranteed that 2 autistic people will be compatible either. Been there, done that. Or maybe i have more issues than i think
I want to encourage you that what you say isn't necessarily true. I've been happily married for 21 years. Only got diagnosed with ASD three years ago. We went through a lot of hard times, but the reason we thrive is that we're both fully committed to each other. We recognize how we each bring out the best in the other. Before we had labels to define him as neurotypical and me as neurodivergent, we just knew we each had complementary strengths that could offset the other's weaknesses. It hasn't been easy, but it not only is possible, I dare say we are often seen as role models for other couples regardless of their brain chemistry. And to top it off, if I'm being blunt, I don't get along very well with other aspies/autistics. I have my own needs to work about; I can't also accommodate the needs of others, even if I understand that they have them and why.
I am NT, and I'm interested in an autistic man. I'm watching videos like this and reading everything I can find, because he won't come right out and tell me about it. I honestly didn't know anything about autism tbh, but I'm having SO many a-ha moments!
This was perfect timing. My wife and I are having issues with commination and trying to work out what is best for each side. I can relate to so much of this video. We have been married for over 13 years and found out together at the beginning of this year that I am on the spectrum. Still to this day we can sometimes struggle with our blatant differences. What can be even more challenging at times (or so it seems) is that we are both women so I have all of these emotions and feelings but don't know how to process them or verbalize them, all while she, as a woman wants to talk about feelings,emotions, spirituality,and thoughts; so that can be very difficult. After so many years, I Have gotten much better though. But I know I can still be challenging to talk to.
Tips I'd like to add for the ASD side would be A) remember to say "I love you" and to do so frequently. Sometimes I think such a thing is just understood or known and I can even have trouble saying those words at times and I'll forget that my spouse needs to hear it from me. B) Remember to touch. And by that I mean to give spontaneous hugs, or try to console when they're upset. Sometimes I don't think to make physical contact such as holding her, or even putting my hand on her back or hand in a time of need. These are important things I've learned over the years that a spouse needs and sometimes expects but doesn't necessarily come naturally to me.
Sorry So Long. And great job as usual. God Bless!!
Great tips; thanks for sharing!
I am on the spectrum as well, and I had rekindled my relationship with a single mother (she is stable and fine, but I was the problem in the relationship and it wasn't because of her as well). I haven't hangout or took her out on a date, even talked to her in person.
It's just that she is busy and so was I.
I would love to take it to the same level as you are now, but I have to not give into temptations that will tear me and her apart.
I’m about to get married with a woman (being a woman myself) and I believe she’s on the autism spectrum but she doesn’t think so. We have been having a lot of issues lately communicating because anytime I want to say how I feel, she automatically thinks I want to start a fight. I feel she doesn’t know how to empathize with me. I don’t know what to do and she won’t go see someone to see if she is on the spectrum.
@@yahis7707 maybe she’s a narcissist instead of aspie
You really have no idea how helpful this is. I found out I was autistic a year into my marriage with my NT husband who knows nothing about autism. And it’s been challenging but we are both trying to find a way that will help us navigate this. You’re one of the only couples Ive seen that has a similar situation as me , so thank you again 🖤
I've been with my husband for 11 years and married for 4. My husband is NT and I'm in the process of getting my diagnosis. This has been very helpful and reassuring! Most of our disagreements come from miscommunication.
I am in the same situation (:
This really helped me better understand my boyfriend. He's autistic and I'm neurotypical. It helped me understand why he does certain things that frustrate me because I don't usually understand why he does it and I'm an overthinker so I assume the worst. Now that I understand better and know to just give him time and come back to whatever subject we were talking about previously It'll be a lot easier and less stressful for him to respond and speak from his heart. I will definitely be watching more videos!!
So glad you found it helpful! Wishing the best for you both!
I wish I had found this video when starting my last relationship because we went though great difficulties with everything you mentioned. on that note I also wish we both had known that I was autistic and it would have prevented a lot of grief and hurt for both of us, and prevent me going into crisis at the end of our relationship. I was so oblivious to a lot of shit. After lots of work in therapy and a visit to a neruopsych my autism is obvious.
Thank you for sharing your life and experiences. Recently, I have started to realize that I might actually be on the spectrum (more specifically aspergers) and watching your videos has helped me immensely in understanding myself. I resonate so much with things you go through and am thankful that you were willing to use this platform. You're funny and informative and seem like a really genuine soul. For a long time I have felt like I was broken or somehow messed up, but you videos helped me realize that just because I see the world a little differently and process things a little differently that doesn't make me somehow broken. God bless you and all you do.
Agree 100%
I like people to be straight forward with their communication, and be less vague about things. I will be confused about what person is asking of me if they are vague.
I’m an high functioning Aspie.
I have been getting to know someone on the spectrum and our first argument was about “not talking on the phone.” I felt so offended that after months and months-no phone talking. Finally, the resentment spilled and she said to me “if talking on the phone was so important to you-why didn’t you ever call?” 😂. Then I realized she preferred writing because she could get her ideas out better. She wanted to think things through before responding. With a language barrier and cultural barrier--she wanted to take her time.
What I took so “personally” and a sign of “rejection”--was really just her making the best effort to properly communicate with me. Our first argument has led to a ten week shutdown. Rough.
This video nearly bought me to tears as it explains exactly why my bf shut down as I was pouring my heart out to him. I think this video is the best one I’ve watched on the subject of dating someone with autism. Thank you.
I have found that the way people approach starting a relationship doesn't really work with me. I'm only in high school and I'm sure things are a bit different as people get older, but I've never dated anyone because of the difference in approach.
The closest I have ever come to dating someone is also one of the most frustrating things that has happened in the past few years. One of my classmates has a crush on me. I've known he has a crush on me for a while and I do kinda like him back, but when he tried to ask me out I panicked and turned him down. I feel horrible about it, but because he asked so suddenly and we were in class where there was no privacy for a one on one conversation to talk it out, I really couldn't handle it. I liked him but because I didn't have time to prepare or think it over I just shut down, noped out of the situation (literally), and tried to find anything I could to pull my mind out of the situation and organize my thoughts.
Now that I have had time to think things over he's not in any of the same classes as me and even though I'm still seeing signs that he likes me it feels impossible to start a conversation because he's always with his friends and that's just too many people to deal with. Even just the idea of asking to talk to him alone is terrifying because it's not just his reaction I would have to deal with but the people around him as well. I hate it because logically this kind of thing shouldn't feel so physically impossible but even thinking about it is overwhelming and I feel chained down.
I really do want to start dating but I feel like in order for it to work I would need to have some way to really explain my needs. I really think I may be autistic, and being able to say so upfront would make things so much easier, but I've never been diagnosed and it just feels wrong to mention it if I'm not 100% sure
Self diagnosis is valid! Good luck to you! I remember making a guy who asked me really quickly and fluffed it & wouldn't ask again. He dated someone else in my class, it didn't go well. My husband didn't ask, it was a few weeks in we acknowledged we were actually going out. That's got positives and negatives. I have been diagnosed in my early forties. My mum thought my husband's autistic when I first introduced him, rudely and inappropriately. He's not that interested in assessment. But has got traits. There are elements of this video that fit both of us. Statistically autistics are far more likely to date someone who is not NT, I'm sure I've read that there's been a few studies on that.
This is so helpful!! Thanks for taking the time to share these tips and experiences. I am neurotypical, and have been in a relationship with a womderful autistic man for almost 13 yrs. It has taken a long time and 2 breakups to finally get to understand each other,and communicate our needs effectively, for the most part 😅. I didn't know he was autistic until year 6 of our relationship. We have now been engaged for almost 4 yrs, thanks to COVID, but looking forward to continuing to improve our relationship and understanding of each other. He's definitely worth the time and patience! ❤️.
After this video I now understand a couple more of his idiosyncrasies. Keep them coming! ❤️
This has been so helpful. I just found out my BF is on the spectrum.
I assume he had to ask you out first or talk you first
How did he get tested? Any tips appreciated 😊
Good tips 👍
I personally have a thing, where texting takes energy out of me like nothing else does and it's incredibly difficult trying to date for me in the modern world.
I understand what you were talking about in terms of communication and feedback. I'm someone who cares too much about how people are doing/feeling, and sometimes I want to help but I don't know how to help. It's frustrating, and yet I do my best every day to help. I was diagnosed with autism when I was 21 years old. I do well communicating through writing, and I have gotten better over the years with verbal communication, even though sometimes I still miss the point someone is trying to make.
The decision making part is so spot on. It's especially difficult to make a decision when it doesn't affect *me* and I just want the other person to decide. E.G Being told that it's up to me to go to Store X or Store Y when I don't have a preference. They're both stores I have to drive to. They're both equal options, I don't want to choose.
I feel you on this one. I don't make decisions unless it's important to me. People think it's indecisiveness but most of the time I just dgaf.
I usually just flip a coin now.
@@adielwilson8749 Flipping a coin is a good idea!
So helpful!!! Thank you for this!!!
I'm pretty sure you just saved my relationship. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this video! I am an NT and have been navigating this with a friend of mine on an intuitive level. It has taken me years and a lot of patience and, as you said, “giving the benefit of the doubt” and it has been a slow go, but seems to be working. However, this video of yours has now brought to light the why’s and how’s. I am now going to keep in mine all the things you have shared and try to implement them into how I interact with my autistic person. I so appreciate you and this video you posted! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!
Finally i feel understood by aspie. Thank you! It’s awesome to hear that you are empasising also NT needs and not just pushing your own.
i just got diagnosted as well, it is amazing how well you comunicate i really appreciate the time and help from this video! Thank you.
Probs shes being helped by a good therapist and a lot of reading about autism. Thats what im doing. I couldnt articulate a lot of things about the way i function.
I just discovered you today. This is the second video of yours I’ve watched today. I’ve subscribed.
I love the way you describe things and seem to have a good awareness of fairness to both sides. I so appreciate that.
I feel that my relationship with my ex might’ve worked if the communication and give and take would’ve been better.
It was tough because he wasn’t diagnosed until 10 years and a kiddo together. I had to know what was causing the great disconnect. I’d worked on all I could think of on my side and tried so many different ways to express needs, carefully, without triggering defensiveness or counter attack. It mostly didn’t work.
I had no idea of the immense paradigm differences. Since I didn’t know he had Aspergers, I only applied my NT beliefs and rules. Per that system, what he often did was alienating, disconnecting and hurtful. With a new lens, I see it differently.
Unfortunately, because a decade of hurtful interactions had accumulated...it was very hard to resolve.
Sorry about the long tangent😬...
I wish I had found you years ago, but am grateful that you are here. You share in a manner that truly helps, is relatable and very helpful.
You’ve definitely found your purpose, at least one of them. Thank you for shining a light on the subject. Thank you for being fair and open.
You are appreciated.
I soooooo agree!
Stephanie, thank you for posting this and for sharing your experiences in an autism-neurotypical marriage. This was really helpful. I am in a neurodiverse relationship where my boyfriend is on the autism spectrum, and I have a lot of traits that would suggest I may be neurodiverse as well (but not necessarily autistic). So, it's been very confusing and stressful for me to have communication problems in my relationship when we are so similar in so many ways! I didn't understand what was causing our issues, and why there was a "language barrier" between us. This relationship has really shown me how different we all are, and how important it is not to jump to conclusions about people's behaviors, words, and motives. I think this relationship has helped me to become a more loving and open-minded person. It's just been hard for both of us to meet each other's needs and feel "seen" and accepted for who we are, consistently. I'm so happy you two are happily married. Thanks again.
i’m so glad I found your channel! I am engaged to a neurotypical guy (I was diagnosed with ASD when I was 16 i’m now 24) and we have began to hit some obstacles with this, so it’s amazing to hear i’m not alone in being in a neuro diverse relationship.
This was really great, and I didn't mind the video being long - in fact, I could have probably listened to you talk for an hour or more because this is just so helpful and relatable for me (I am married to a man with Autism). I am trying to learn everything I can about how he thinks and what he needs. Some of the things you said brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this information. You seem to have a really good awareness of your needs and the needs of others and how you might appear hurtful to others - my husband doesn't have this awareness about himself. You give me hope that he can learn this awareness though! God bless you.
I just got to this vid and glad it came to me. My partner is adhd/autistic. Your explanation is so clear and yes it is hard being in a relationship every relationship is hard not just with ppl with autism or adhd. Learning to understand the person is a good way to go. Thank you for your video it really helps. Going to rematch until everything sinks in.
My daughter and husband have Aspergers. Really helpful, thank you. I have adhd and I still watched it all the way through lol
Love this! Wow! I'm the NT. Everything you said, was exactly what happened. Thanks for the information! I had no idea what was happening for 4 years. 👍
I'm an Aspie myself and my neurotypical fiancee and I have been together for 7 years now. There were situations you described that really resonated, so thank you for making this video.
So happy for you two! Glad you found it relatable!
@@StephanieBethany Thank you so much!
@@jrichard88 Is things going on well for you and your wife?
My partner understands me.......her daughter doesn’t. The daughter wants me never to come back into there house.
@@andgate2000 maybe you should explain your situation to the daughter (: maybe she learns to understand
Oh dear, that decision pressing example/demonstration nearly sent me over the top... My heart, dear lord
I'm usually the one who drives. My partner trys to make me make a decision where we want to go, I don't know so I just say I don't know and end up driving home because they won't decide anything then they're usually really mad when we get home.
Maybe lay down some rules by making plans before leaving the house, and making a point to stick to the plans when you’re out.
By saying you "don't know" you're putting the responsibility of decision making on to your partner. You're expecting them to decide for you both, then if it does'nt work out , they get the blame. Try to decide together before you leave home. Speaking from experience.
I'm the moroccan 🇲🇦 you. I've been married for almost 5 years now, and we also found out I'm autistic after we got married.
Thank you for this video! It took my wife and I, 7 years to figure out all the issues you addressed in 20 minutes. If Id come across this video when we first met, it would have prevented so many struggles. You are so right on with the tips you offer. I hope others see this. Seeing this now, at least I know that what we've been experiencing in our relationship is normal for our situation. There are others that have the same struggles. We are not alone!
I'm so glad that I found you! I'm married to an autistic husband who will not even talk about any of this... He does not accept and gets very angry when I bring up that he "could be autistic..." It is a lonely and frustrating place where I've been for almost 20 years... Not sure how much longer I will.😢
Stephanie, I wish I could explain myself as well as you do. It would have saved and helped me save the relationships I have now. 😢
Giving the benefit of the doubt. I'm autistic and I didn't know it nor did my partners. So often it seemed like they were looking for ways to believe they weren't loved. Now I understand I was missing a lot of cues. Thing is, when I didn't understand their behavior, I gave them the benefit of the doubt.
Thanks for making these. As someone who grew up with a lot of these issues but having to re-wire myself to be "normal" it helps put these experiences in context. Also, there people I am friends with who are on the autistic spectrum but maybe I didn't consider this and find myself getting mad at them for not responding to my questions or not acting the way I've been conditioned to expect as "normal" (from having to train myself to pass as normal it's sometimes angering to have to deal with people who haven't been able to). Your videos help me understand their point of view and that I need to cut them some slack and not take their behavior personally, which is too easy to do. I guess part of my frustration comes from all the work I've put in to be able to follow the rules of expected behavior and when I see others who don't follow that I feel like they're not willing to meet me halfway. But maybe that's not their intention or their fault.
Wow, I feel so seen. Thank you especially for reminding us that the fixations and emotional distance is more about lack of awareness of the emotions going on than it is about disliking the partner. In my mind, someone who loved me would want to look at me and show passion for me, and I’m learning that’s it’s not personal at all, and that love that looks different than I thought can still be love.
Hiii Stephanie...I JUST SUBSCRIBED....YEAAAA!!! THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!!!😍. This is SOOOOO HELPFUL, I almost cried while listening as I just entered a relationship with a beautiful Autistic/Neurodiverse gentleman. I wish I knew these thing before, but I'm here now 🙂. It feels overwhelming, but I absolutely am up for this amazing journey. My prayer is that he is as patient with me (Neurotypical) as I am willing to be with him. Thanks soooo much...sending XOXO & Blessings to you and yours 🙂🤩
I could literally cheer and throw glitter, I love this video so much. The way you articulate your perspective but also the perspective of a NT person (I’m severe adhd / NT) and I can’t thank you enough. When the guy I care about shuts down it’s out of no where and sometimes for days or weeks. Not knowing it’s coming, not having any idea if it’s something I did or not, and not having any communication from him is painful for me. But this also helps me to cope because I’m learning what he goes through and how he thinks. Thank you so much for this video
Omg! Thank you! My husband is not formal diagnosed but we are learning more and more. This was a spot in example of OUR 3 yr relationship.
Thank you very much, Stephanie, for these tips! I found them quite helpful. I myself have autism and seek a successful and harmonious relationship with a neurotypical woman. I will take note of all these things you have discussed and apply them. I can relate to some of the things that you have shared about yourself, such as having things explained more than average to me and in simple, black and white terms. I definitely get a lot of nuance in some areas but when it comes to receiving directions about doing something, from a boss or a family member or whoever, direct and cut and dry communication is a must. Also, I am really happy for you, a warm Congrats on five years with your man!! Wish you both a lifetime of love, understanding, and fun together!
Thank you, this was all so helpful! I do the sigh thing too, sometimes I don't feel like I'm getting enough air (especially in stressful situations) & that has been interpreted as impatience or annoyance.
l have this constant communication break down at work all the time, and as you say with my partner too understanding what they mean and trying to make them understand me wow its such hard work Really unreal lm dyslexic too ect ect
Amazing video, you explained everything so well. I am NT and I really appreciate this, thank you 🙂
I'm diagnosed at 59, few months ago.
Finally I understand why my marriage had broke after 13 years and why my relationships with friends or lovers didn't last for years.
Thanks for sharing your experience. This helped me to understand what went wrong when I got into a relationship for the first time in a long time a little while ago.
That led me to learn about myself and how a relationship works re-opening emotional wounds I'm healing from that stuck with me since my teens. And i just turned 30 lol.
I have ASD myself, but I am currently still single. I would like to be in a relationship, but it's just hard for me to get there since social interactions don't come natural to me. Luckily for me, I was diagnosed at a very young age. I was diagnosed with autism when I was 3 years old. In addition, I was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 18. I do still feel like I can have a successful relationship with an NT especially since I'm high functioning. I think a lot of the challenges in these types of relationships can depend on where the autistic person is on the spectrum.
Relationships are too much hassle I gave up on it people always lie to us about the right one which remains on the doubt category
What I want to absolutely point out is that you should make it clear that autism is a spectrum.
We cannot expect the same things from every high functioning autistic person. You seem very connected to your inner self, but my experience and other experiences I read about on reddit etc. are very different. Some Aspies really lack depth in their emotions. Their emotional intensity is very low. Oftentimes people just give up on them and it's really best for ones mental health to be frank. We must think of our wellbeing first! They won't change... they look like they changed but inside they are just the same.
No matter how much you try to communicate your feelings (i even tried drawing once), they won't get it. They do get that there is something that is missing and with which they don't relate at all, but they essentially can't change their reaction to it because "it doesn't feel genuine".
It is an empairment that hurts people around them and when you ask how they feel about it, sometimes the answer, as painful as it sounds, is "nothing", they feel nothing. You cry, they just stare... they hurt you in some blunt way, they just say "sorry" mechanically. It hurts like a punch in the gut!
SIDE NOTE : add ADHD to that, and everything you agreed upon, like how to help you in managing a situation etc, all the steps ... well they will just forget them ...
And, for those who struggle with similar situations, it is NOT your fault, it is NOT your duty to change this, You SHOULD move on
It's often even more difficult if both are autistic, because we don't always understand other's perspective easily and our issues and struggles can be extremely different. For instance, many people have problems travelling which I don't have the slightest problem with, while I have a very, very hard time to be in time to different events and have even missed flights occasionally. Not all autistic people have that problem and they can be really annoyed or even angry with me.
My situation is exactly like yours! It’s been quite a challenge buuut we’ve been growing and learning so much together. He really is doing his best to understand me even when I don’t understand myself half the time haha this is such a great video for me, thanks for posting 🖤🖤🖤
My partner hasn't been formally diagnosed with autism yet but that is what has been concluded so far.
It's been really tough, to the point where I believe it's the end for us.
A lack of communication has always been the main issue however, it's gotten to the point where he has been stonewalling me consecutively for the last 2 months. It's had an traumatic effect on my own mental health.
From the start I've always been clear and concise about how his behaviour is affecting me, what the problem is, what I need him/us to do to work on resolving matters. I've never left room for him to try and guess....but it doesn't seem to click with him.
I would have imagined if I'm spelling it out to him that I am in pain from what is happening, he as a man in his late 30s would at least be able to recognise that something isn't right and he needs to do something?
At times I feel like there's some narcissism there too - But I end up explaining it away to myself as "He doesn't get it".
Surely stonewalling your partner for 2 months is not acceptable right...refusing to communicate, to the point where I didn't even know if he was dead or alive?
Even if he is autistic, a man with these many years of life experience?
Thank you so much for this video. I’ve been dating this amazing girl for the last few months but I felt like she was keeping me at an arms length but after some research I believe she’s autistic and it explains so much! Now I just need to figure out how to be a better partner to accommodate her needs.
Thank you so much! I have a friendship with someone who is autistic. This helps me to understand him better. Sometimes he'll do something that makes me feel like he doesn't want to be friends but now I know that's not it.
You sound a lot like me and your husband sounds like mine! As far as the traveling, trying new foods etc. We both like to travel but i don’t really like trying too many new foods lol
I have a really hard time at deciphering what flirting looks like, and I tend to misread things a lot. And I tend to obsess about possible outcomes. For example, today I was drawing at Starbucks and a woman came up to me complimenting my artwork. She mentioned that she plans on doing computer work for the rest of the month at this location and she wondered how often I come here. She smiled and we shook hands and introduced ourselves. She was smiling the entire time. My instinct is to assume that she just really likes my art and wants to see some more of it next time. But the other part of me thinks that she was flirting.
I notice your charismatic demeanor. An elastic, welcoming, expressive face very easy to read. So much lilting, inflection and range in your prosody, which holds my interest, thanks to all the warm, inviting, laughter. Your language is not literal and concrete, but peppered with abstractions and emotions, and imaginative examples, again holding the viewer's interest. You seem like a neurotypical!
Sadly, the deficits in an NT/ASD relationship revolve around the observable engagement, interest, playfulness, charm and warmth that you demonstrate in this video, which NT spouses are deprived of, once the relationship has been secured and she is no longer his special interest. I am not saying you are not autistic! Just that perhaps certain researchers are right, and ASD presents very differently in men and women.
You have NO idea how much I appreciate this. Thank you. ❤
This was so helpful. I learned that the issues that we have are "normal" neurotypical- ASD problems.
I’m 17 and just always have been so frustrated when it comes to how I communicate and just the best way I can explain it is, when it came to school or talking to strangers I was always so focused with how strangely I talked or explained things so I always tried my best not to confuse people (I’m definitely not so well spoken in every day conversation btw) but people always pointed out me to how they sometimes wouldn’t understand what I was trying to say and it was always so frustrating and at some point about a year ago I had started doing research into people on the spectrum and the more and more I discovered the symptoms and signs the more I had really felt comfort in what I had done all my life and even realizing I had suppressed some things I would do in public just because I didn’t feel comfortable doing them in public even though I would do them in secret. But every single time you had told me the struggles of dating a neurotypical person I would immediately start crying just because of how much it helped to know that there wasn’t something wrong with me ig, like having a reason for as to why I am like that and just not realizing how hard it is to get through life trying so hard to keep up with peoples standards, thinking your so dumb or just different and always feel so bad and just blaming yourself as the problem. But the thing is, with how much comfort I feel saying that I act and feel the way I do because I’m on the spectrum, I can’t help but feel as if it’s ignorant just saying that, I feel as if I can’t just outright say it as long as I’m not diagnosed. But thankfully next month I can talk to my therapist about seeing if I really am on the spectrum. I just wanted to let you know that this video at least helped me somewhat with my mental health journey, Thank you.
Basically, before getting angry, think things through instead of jumping on assumptions especially before you verify the assumption is correct.
Thank You for sharing your own experiences. That is helpful. I have a different learning disability which for a long time was undiagnosed and then dyslexia came up as a possibility. I married a sweet Man who is Autistic. There are times when we do have struggles and there are things that I need to work on to understand really what an Autistic person goes through but, obviously my own learning disability can make that a challenge. Peace and Blessings..
Good video! I think the first point you talked about which is giving signs in a relationship is just so stupid for everyone to do. A woman and a man should always communicate verbally what their intentions are or what they want, because nobody will be able to read your mind ever, unless you have lived together for a long time and know each other inside and out.
Wow! Similarities with my relationship is exact.
I also use breath for centering and get called out about it.
Solve 70 of communication problems in relationship. Stop playing games, and stop assuming. Speak direct, check understanding. If this didn't occur, it doesn't count. Also, let go of having to be right. What's more important, your ego or your relationship? Convers to understand rather than to establish who is right. Especially because the one who "was right" doesn't mean they don't have things they can improve, and it doesn't mean that the "one who was wrong" wasn't reacting to it.
Thank you. Thank you. This is the best video I’ve found that explains my love. I don’t know if he knows he is autistic (very high functioning); we been together for almost 8 years and I thought he was ASD about a year and a half in. Then thought maybe just narcissism. Your (and other videos prior although this explains it best to me) video takes me to the best understanding currently. I feel so much clearer on his responses and mine to his. My eyes & heart are so much more open and I feel calmer about how I speak and share with him. With us. Together.
I am curious if anyone here, how did you know you were? What took you to the doctor to get the diagnosis? Should I say something? Or just know things who he is?
For me sighing is a method of self comfort.
Same 🌼🧡
Same, but I'm also a 8+year smoker. Sometimes I just need more air than I'm getting lol
This video explains so well how hard it is to make a decision and why!!!
This is so very good. I sent it to my Aspie husband
Love your tips. It's like you know me!
My girlfriend is Autistic. Gosh my communication skills have increased a 100 times. Not even kidding. From a guy who didn't talk much at all.
Thank you for explaining.Greatly appreciated. Please keep you videos coming onto you tube 🏅👍
This was IMMENSELY helpful for me as a NT. Thank you! ❤️
Definitely relate to this! Communication is sometimes difficult for me and my partner because he is even more abstract and non-literal than the average NT person, whereas I need much more direct and straightforward communication, so he gets frustrated with me when I don't understand him. He also gets frustrated with my inability to make quick decisions, he feels like he is the only adult in the relationship sometimes when he has to call all the shots. But that's because making quick decisions is just difficult for me, I need to really evaluate the options - and to make things much worse, we're long distance and often when I visit him and he wants me to make a decision, I don't know what the options entail because I don't have them where I live and therefore I have very minimal information to base my decision upon. Like, if he asks me to choose between two hamburger restaurants that I've never tried before, how am I to know which one I'd prefer? I try to ask questions to get something to base my answer on and he accommodates to a certain point but after a while he wants me to just make up my mind and tells me it's not that big of a deal so I should be able to just pick one
Don't let yourself be manipulated or bullied. Trust yourself.
@Black Bamboo I am happy to report that I have ended that relationship! He was a shitty person in a lot of ways, good riddance
I have no relationship by choice.
I became tired of trying to work out all those mindgames, strategies and ridiculous behaviour that goes with relationships.
As the years go by fewer and fewer women pay me any attention, and I am happy with that.
I also fear intimacy.
People fear being alone, personally I like it.
I love solitude too
not everyone likes playing mind games. I'm not autistic but im neurodivergent due to being intellectually gifted (high iq) so i relate to autistic symptoms. it's rare to find the right people for us but out of 7.8 billion humans on planet earth they're bound to exist. if you really do truly prefer to be alone, that's a valid life choice too
I’ve never heard anyone explaining how I feel in a relationship
That was really dope
And yeah my husband to be and I both found out that I’m on the spectrum and this video applies to us so much
He even likes to change things in the house 😂
He was so sweet and patient with changing our old bedroom
I could honestly watch 6:57-7:03 over and over again lol
😂😂
When you mention touch as a response, i usually touch my Man's arm as a way of saying "Honey, I love you, i am listening, i just don't know exactly how to respond right now"
Not sure if he picks up on that. But i am trying to find ways to communicate properly if i cannot be verbal for the time being.
Your hair looks fabulous! 🔥
Awesome... Definitely not too long you explain things where I can really understand them and now I can show them to my wonderful hfa man And he will know that I know where he’s coming from and vice versa please don’t shorten your videos every word you said was important thank you Stephanie
Thank you so much for sharing this. . This sheds so much light on my experience. I'm nt, and my partner is an Aspie. We've just found out. . and gosh. All of a sudden, so many things make sense. And, I want to make sure that I'm supporting him in the best way possible.
This insight, is invaluable.
So, thanks again!
This video was surprisingly informative for me. I wasn't sure bc i have never watched a video about how autism manifests in woman as i have a male partner on the spectrum. Very well articulated which is actually a trait I really like about my partner. I'm a bit impulsive as I am actually neurodivergent but I have ADHD
This was awesome!! Super specific and compassionate and useful. Congrats for getting through those tough patches within your relationship. It seems like you also gained a lot of wisdom which I’m sure took a lot of effort and at times was painful. I admire you a lot for making these videos to share this important knowledge with people who need it! ❤
This was so so helpful and informative. Thank you for your insight and honesty❤
Yep on the meltdown part and cause. This is especially hurtful if it's a parent who does this because I want them to be happy with me. Thankfully, I totally don't have this problem with my wife. She's a sweetheart.
Meltdown ruined my relationship.......I had a meltdown with her daughter. The daughter doesn’t want me in the house.
I just recently have started to except that I need to be tested and I’m probably on the spectrum and this really sheds A lot of light on the relationship issues I had with my ex
Stephanie, thank you SO much for sharing this video. It’s very helpful and very kind❤
That was very helpful. Thank you.
It takes alot of pressure people who are Autistic like I am in a relationship I don't take them seriously. My long-term relationship was 4 years from a long distance now I've been single since 2016. I shut down fast or don't pay attention to the person that I love and that for me is to much hard work.
Excellent!!! You are so clear, learned and helpful.
Me sighing deeply while watching this, cuz it resonates so well and I relate and feel you. My husband in the same room as me asking if I'm mad... About who knows what! Ahh! Lol!
Its trying to figure out implicit meanings and nuances that tend to trip me up. Definitely had caused me problems in past relationships!
"the signals that autistic people give dont always make sense as to what is normal' yup!