Exactly. Whenever I doubt myself, I ask myself: When my mom was on my side when someone else harmed me?” The answer: Never. ”When she kept my secrets?” The answer: ”Never. She told to the first people she met what setbacks I had had. It was a FUNNY story that she could tell and get attention. Etc. Her ACTIONS are like this. Why, by the way, I should ”made this up” when the basic fact is, that one upon a time I admired my mother. I thought that she is the most beautiful person in the world. WHY I should make up the thing that actually, she is doing things that make me feel awful. Why would anyone ”made up” this bad feeling about the person he/she loves - or thought she/he loved? There is no sense.
The people with the “good enough” parent will never understand what a jumpstart they had. Their parents actively or passively supported them in their pursuits. Whereas our parents actively sabotaged, mocked or shamed us for our pursuits. The “double think” reference point in this video showcases our instinct to doubt ourselves since we were programmed to react this way by our gaslighters.
I agree. It's not just about abuse or neglect. They will actively turn you against yourself, whether they are conscious of it or not, so you can't even trust or rely on yourself.
My mother expected me to believe all sorts of nonsense about my self. I was clumsy, forgetful, nobody liked me, not very intelligent were the favourites that she would tell her parents and other family members. She also joked that money just burnt a hole in my pocket , but golden child sister would save any money. She didn't know that I was secretly saving, and when she found out, she went crazy and claimed I owed her all the money for my upbringing. But it was too late, I was 18, she never got the money and she never found out how much it was.
That’s a good story and the exact same thing my mother did. If she knew I had any money at all she would steal it from me. She would say I owe her rent, food, etc. i was 14. She made work illegally at 14 & said all I earned was hers. She made me work full time at a burger place at 14 when I was in 8th grade trying to go to school. I was so tired. They would buy me nothing. No clothes, a bar of soap nothing. And our family was very well off financially. There was no poverty.
I learned a great deal from having to work since 3rd grade. But it was eye opening to learn from a boyfriend that it is probably better to have the energy to focus 💯 % on school in high school to get into a better college or University.
What makes these accusations so dangerous is that there is some truth to them, which makes them virtually irrefutable. My judgement is NOT always sound; my motives are NOT always pure. I've noticed that in safer relationships, the question seldom even arises, though, and when it does, there is more mutuality to it. It's more like, 'yeah, I've made that error, too, and learned from it. What did YOU learn?' Being accused of having poor judgement and impure motives is a little like being accused of being human! It's not a false accusation; the lie is that the abuser is superior or infallible or has a right to pass judgement on the motives and judgement of others. It's also a lie that we have an obligation to have 100% sound judgement or 100% pure motives. No one does! The best we can do is take care of ourselves and do no harm, and continue to learn and grow.
Great point! Narcissists have to see themselves as above everyone, they attack behavior that is only human. We start to see our human tendencies as bad, instead of something to learn and grow from and show self compassion for.
Thank you for this. I’ve been thinking about your comment all day and it’s been shifting up and out some distorted thinking and perfectionism I’ve been struggling with. I am just a human being. I am going to make mistakes and that is perfectly normal. My parents rarely allowed mistakes and I grew up feeling that if I make one I am this enormously defective creature. So I have gradually become more and more avoidant. I am stepping out of this and I thoroughly appreciate what you are pointing out here.
Here's something I wrote a little while ago: Please do not try to fix me, I am not broken. There is nothing wrong with me, except that I am human. To be human is to be imperfect, fallible and have human emotions. The only thing wrong is that I was not taught this growing up. I thought something was wrong with me... Because I was human. Because I made mistakes. Because I sometimes failed on the first try. Because I sometimes was angry, or sad, or just plain confused. People convinced me of this for over 50 years. I forgave others for being human, but never myself. From now on I will stop trying to fix myself. I am not broken. I am only human.
Charissa--That was so insightful, and so clearly stated. I truly think that your single paragraph has done more for me than the last year or two of therapy when it comes to understanding the harm that was done to me as a child; and the more I understand it, the more I can rise above it. Thank you so much.
My sister always posts Holiday or family get togethers on facebook with long comments on what they are doing and how great it is. Big smiles. I was at all these things in my younger days for decades and it was never that way. It was cruel , mean, loud, obnoxious people shouting and saying disparaging things. I get so confused when I see her posts.
That's because your words ring with an honest truth that they still seem to deny. Either that, or it really doesn't bother them. Some are the instigators and enablers of these events, while some are just trying to survive through them as best they can. I will add some compassion for some of the innocents, though, like the children or young adults. Sometimes they don't know what they're getting into, or what they're forced to be involved in. I was forced, most of the time to attend these events when I almost always felt the same way about them: bored, out of place, weird, quiet, disturbed by people'e behavior, wanting to get away or be by myself. They weren't all bad, of course, but since we're all lamenting here a bit, thought I'd chime in. I've been to dozens and dozens of social, family or friend events in my life with people that I despise... I just wasn't conscious until age 32 that I actually despised my mother for a long time, and she is a total socialite. But, I suppressed it for so long because the truth of that was too painful to face. I'm still struggling with that, but I feel there will be an eventual inevitability between her and I... and that is when I will leave, for good. (infuse epic instrumental music here)
They're on stage. You've gone from being backstage with all the prima donnas, chaos, emotional upheavals, and hissy fits, to being in the 'audience' with the rest of the hoi polloi, seeing only the refined, rehearsed final presentation. consider yourself fortunate. And BLOCK THEM.
She is trying to manipulate YOU and she is doing it. I would block her page & never look at it again so long as you live. If you simply can’t I would go to a good therapist to help me work out why not. I so understand. I kept coming back for more abuse. It was too scary not to for me. I wanted a family, even if it was awful. When I was finally able to walk & go totally no contact was when my life started. When certain nosy people wanted info I made up a story that both parents & brother were killed when I was very young. I don’t care what anyone thinks, that works for me.
Absolutely. My parents are quite weak as individuals. Their strength is as a couple. They have stonewalled me on a number of issues and these silences and the stonewalling have goaded and bated me to display anger which I was then judged very harshly for. The focus is all on the anger I have displayed. They will not see their defensiveness/co-dependency, their intransigence, triangulation, manipulation, their silent treatments, their stonewalling, their view that my perspective is an act of aggression perpetrated against *them*
Extremist left and right work just like this in politics too. And create a world that creates more and more narcissists. We need to upturn this trend by confrontation and consistent involvement.
The guilt of having elderly narcissist parents is also heavy. I want to be there for them but can't because it's too damaging. It's odd, even at their most vulnerable (old age) they still ruin it for themselves and everyone who could help them.
You phrased the phenomenon so well, and I appreciate that you put ownership where it belongs! < : - ) "...they still ruin it for themselves and everyone who could help them." My elderly aunt became relentlessly passive aggressive after I set a totally appropriate boundary about my own health while caregiving her. Because I've worked on healing my childhood abuse I was able to stick to my guns when she literally asked me in writing to ignore my feelings and concerns because she's "old and sick and doesn't have much time left." Whaat!?! Yikes! I'm proud of myself for not falling for it, but it was striking to me that she was willing to lose her unpaid health aid/chauffeur rather than treat me with the most basic courtesy and compassion. I hope you can lay down the burden of guilt and find peace. ❤ Good wishes to you!
I read “1984” when I was in high school too. It put me into another imaginary world that I knew I would be living in in the future. I realize now that I was always living in it since the day I was born. It’s quite mind blowing!
Holy shit that's deep!!! I read it in high school, too. I remember feeling very afraid it would come true, and feeling like it was a long way off... not so much. Oh, how times and technology have altered everything in our world. I miss the 90's and some of the early 2000's.
I think Orwell understood narcissism so well. Learning about narcissism and realizing its impact on my family of origin, I was reminded of something the pigs said in Orwell's novel Animal Farm: "All of the animals are equal, but some are more equal than others."
As a child of a covert narc mum,I would say it is all about trauma bounding,mother/father wound and the cognitive dissonance of surviver of narcisstic abuse.
I was drawn to this video because, as a young teen, I was forced to believe that a relationship with someone who genuinely cared about me was something I had made up. Only now, 39+ years later, have I realized that it was genuine. It was real. The reason my abusive narcissist mother forced that person from my life and out of my conscious mind was because she was terrified of losing her scapegoat. I would have left. I would have gotten out. I would have had support, encouragement and love. But, then, what would she do??? I have no empathy for narcissists. I don't care that they were 'abused' as youth, or that they have a 'mental illness'. They make choices, just like the rest of us. They can go to therapy if they wanted to. They are adults. I was a child. I had no other options.
Very true - in my life as well. I am disgusted with the opinions of others that I need to understand they were abused as if they get a free pass and I must continue subjecting myself to the abuse. They made choices as adults to perpetuate - this was their choice - to abuse mentally and emotionally, possibly physically, to release their hatred and lack of value in themselves. That is ugly and not love. I tell those people who think they know it all - ok YOU go apply your knowledge and “understand” them then. You deal with them - you don’t have the history and “understanding” that I do, so YOU go help them and give them all your compassion and time. Took home health nurses and social worker about six months. And they are done. But it gave me time, distance and documentation to remove myself completely. I am just cleaning up the remains emotionally and that may be a daily choice for me but to have my hard fought authentic self and my own life back (at 70) this will be my choice the rest of my life. I know I have not lost love or empathy along the way - just stark reality that I can’t be partly involved. It’s like being a little bit pregnant. You either are involved and affected or you are not.
Such good communication on this topic. I wouldnt waste time or money on a therapist that wasnt a healed scapegoat. A book-learned therapist can not hope to fully understand and serve a recovering trauma victim of familial scapegoat abuse. I have had a pretty messy time with cycles of self-doubt with regards to whether my family is narcissistic and if my mother is who I feel like she is, and the ugly way I felt growing up (despite my natural child-like joy). I have an early memory from childhood where I am at the dinner table with my family and I forget what I may have done, if anything. I remember my mother saying "You dirty little piglet, you deserve to live down the bottom of the garden" with a look of disgusted distain on her face. I also remember my older sister and stepfather joining in and my making noises of agreement, so that it became obvious the whole table was mocking me. I remember feeling frightened and terrible, shrunk down to feel so small, rejected by the clan and alone. Right there, in that early memory is where I get my strength to know I am right, to support all the other instances I can recall. Another thing that has confirmed I am right about being the family scapegoat is the response I have had from my sisters when I have communicated what I suspect about our parents. There has been partial acknowledgment by them because at times they have been temporarily scapegoated by my mother and enabling stepfather, so they only admit to there being some issue with my mothers personality. My sisters cant admit or acknowledge that I have been scapegoated, because to do so is to admit they have been and are, implicit in the abuse (they know what they have done and how they secretly (while pretending to be respectful) actually feel towards me as a result of being brain-washed by the scapegoat narrative propaganda. You will never get confirmation and support from anyone within the toxic family system.
@HeartFeltGesture I've also found it so helpful to have touchstone memories that are unambiguously messed up that I can revisit to snap me out of self-gaslighting mode. Discovering the concepts of emotional flashbacks and complex PTSD from relational trauma in childhood have also helped. Understanding that self-gaslighting is a *symptom* and legacy of the abuse makes it easier to say, "Not today, Satan!" ; - ) Best wishes to you! ❤
Until I learned more about the Narcissistic family system with it's scapegoat requirement, I never had a clue as to what happened to me as a kid and why. Finally, the pieces of the puzzle are fitting together. Thanks so much Jay for sharing your knowledge. It's making it possible to finally feel some degree of hope. Though now a senior, I really want to experience life differently than before, even if for a relatively limited time. Thanks again Jay.
Being brainwashed as a child by a narcissistic parent is one of the worst experiences someone can go through, since its shadow casts over the adulthood. Until you have an epiphany and realize you were raised by a narcissistic parent who reprogrammed your brain to think otherwise. It's never too late to open your eyes and start living fully. All the best!
@@elsaaforges Thanks Elsa for your kind comment. Though I've long since realized what happened and why etc, it's been very difficult to transcend the effects of the harsh, narcissistic abuse from the early years of my life. I do intend to keep on trying though and hope for a good outcome.
I was not only mistreated by my parents, but I encountered too much rejection from the kids in my neighborhood and my schoolmates. This was a formidable hate campaign, and because it makes no sense, I have to wonder if one or both parents turned everyone else against me.
My mother tells me she can't remember anything about me as a child (looks coldly distant when asked); whilst recanting lovingly detailed stories about my 3 brothers. However, when I tell my own story to others who may be inquiring kindly about some aspect of my earlier life she interrupts me to give her version which is always designed to make me look stupid or selfish. These Ns really know how to hate relentlessly: there is no off switch in regard to your destruction.
@blackdog I'm so sorry you got such an unworthy mother. I was just thinking recently about how telling it was that when I asked my mother to tell me how I was as a child she got a dreamy look of fond recollection as she described me having a temper tantrum on the floor of a restaurant as a very little kid and her boyfriend telling me "Nobody cares." "Thanks" mom, for validating that the problem was you all along. I wish you well!
Wow. Word for word…except I have 2 brothers. Oh my goodness. Can’t remember a thing about my childhood….but every detail about my brothers. She hates me. Recently proved that by setting about with my ex husband to destroy me. This is crazy. I’ve never met another person who has been through this. Finally went no contact.
That's what the abusive people love to thrive on is gaslighting the scapegoat, it's easier for them to call the scapegoat crazy and then look at themselves, especially when people never question their accusations. Recovery is possible but we need the right support
One of my main coping mechanisms is forgetting, which is making university very hard for me because I have a really hard time memorizing thing. As soon as I used to break up with someone, after a week most memories are gone, mainly the bad ones and it takes some effort to make the resurface. The "am I making this up?" question comes a lot to me now because I left the narc family situation more than a year ago. But then, it takes just a picture to make me go into an almost panic attack, even tho I don't remember every single bad memory, my body and my subconscious do.
This also describes something that narcisists tend to do, and that is called gaslighting. They deny your reality, they deny they said something earlier, or did something. To them it didn't happened, or if it did, you deserved it. The example mentioned here also connects on one other topic (covered in another Jay's video), that narcisist can't let you have joy in your life that is not connected to them.
At one point, my father made up that I was in a cult because why else would I defy his will (even though he was sexually abusive to me). Years later, leaving a therapy session with two siblings who were unaffected by my father's abuse toward me by saying I was having "false memory syndrome," I said, "The only cult I've ever been in is this family." I believe that to this day because a cult, like a narcissist head of family, demands "obedience above all," the watch words of Adolf Hitler and the Nazis. Narcissists want you to obey them above all else.
Words can not describe how good, and at the same time excruciatingly painful it is to finally find out the truth. These videos, in combination with lots of therapy give me validation for the things I knew and felt deep inside.The bubble has burst and I'm deeply hurt for the years that I've lost. My family broke me and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive them for what they did.
Sorry to hear that. I just accepted and learned that was me too. My mom always lied, but when I found out the truth on the last one. I think I’m done for good.
WOOOW!!! My mother would tell others that they “don’t know the real me. The real girl, is nothing like that sweet caring girl who just volunteered to help at the church”.
Had an entire "cult like" step family that I had to endure this from. Now no contact with them, after they tried to lie, manipulate & gaslight over execution of a will. I had to hire a lawyer to get them to do what was legally required. Best decision that I made - to protect me against their lies.
I had narcissistic tendencies as a child and a teenager because both my parents projected their inadequacies on me and I formed the same coping mechanisms that they did to deal with my sense of inadequacy. Around the age of 19 I became aware of this and my inner experience felt like I had jumped out of a plane with no parachute. I had no sense of anything and was so self-conscious of the fact that I didn’t understand why I did the things I did or how I couldn’t trust my own perceptions that daily life was tormenting. However I didn’t fall back into what was familiar and slowly started putting the pieces back together my family took apart. It took a long time and I still find myself dealing with the fallout but I’d say 80% of the time I know who I am and have a sense of peace and gratitude. The other times when I still feel that fog, it’s nowhere near as overwhelming, and it does not dominate my day when it arises. Narcissists are too afraid to go down that path. It’s too demanding and it requires you to face your demons and admit you’re wrong and need to change so that you won’t suffer and the people connected to you won’t suffer because of you. When you think about it, breaking the narcissistic family dynamic is more than just ending the cycle. It’s a redemptive process.
Thank you. I was encouraged to be an artist since I was little. However, this ‘encouragement’ was always layered with ‘but others have to ‘make up’ for your lack of responsibility and pull the weight you don’t because others sacrifice to allow you to live your dreams.’ *As if I didn’t have jobs to support myself. My sister would really lay into this distortion and I always felt like I was this terrible person somehow ripping off society because I expressed myself thru Art. It makes no sense when I sit with it. So I always chose jobs that made my creativity ‘useful’ in the eyes of others rather than really exploring what felt right for me. Now I realize there is nothing to prove to anyone. I make myself proud and support my ideas and endeavors because I deserve to live a simple and calm life. I’m not ‘shirking responsibility’ just because I do not choose workaholism, drama and codependency. Living with sick people is difficult. Living in a sick society that enables sick people is difficult. I appreciate this content on this channel. Things are changing 🕊 Thanks again. 🙏
Art was Not Allowed, except for Useful Music because Father Wished He Had Been In The Band, Horn Section, plus organ because Mother Wished She Had Played Organ. Consequently, I loathe music. But as an adult, I did learn to paint--quite beautifully, actually, and quite well enough to sell my work. That's not bad for somebody who "has no sense of color or perspective" "can't draw" and "even your coloring was terrible." My job is in Quality Control and I do love it and I'm exceptionally good at it. At night, every night, I paint. And I'm exceptionally good at it. Neither were anything my parents ever wanted me to do or be.
I never regained “my power.” I don’t even know what that is. My dad is dead now but mother still alive. Last year I looked up public records for her area hoping to find out she was dead. Apparently still alive in her 80s. The world would feel a little safet to me if she was dead. But younger brother is very dangerous too. To be safer I moved to another country overseas for a long time & changed my name. I will never contact either of them. My brother will have to die alone.
Thanks so much Dr Reid. As always you have validated my inner reality and reminded me that other people share this experience. The notion that recovery is possible is still something I struggle to fully believe. Your assertion that there is a clear path to recovery is helping me.
I was just thinking about this last night. I get stuck in this so often. Maybe this is all just me blowing things out of proportion? Maybe there's something deeply wrong with me? It's been years since I've moved away from home and I've seen a few therapists over my life that all basically say the same thing, and it's still so hard to concretely believe there was something wrong with my parents. I was constantly invalidated growing up. 'You're not crying, those are crocodile tears,' "you're too sensitive, we can't say anything to you,' 'you're just doing that for attention, you don't really care about such and such,' 'you're just sucking up to so and so, you don't really care,' 'you're not going to be able to go for that career because you're lazy,' 'you're not going to be able to have a relationship because no man will put up with you,' etc. etc. Even after writing these things I still wonder, maybe everyone's family says these types of things? Maybe there's some truth in them? I think gaining distance has helped so much. I wouldn't have had a chance if I hadn't moved away from my family. But I still totally find people that seem to take on my family's judgement of my perceptions and throw me right back in the struggle. Believing myself has been the hardest part.
No, normal healthy families, no matter how scruffy or marginalized, do not talk to their children this way! They actually want them to grow up and have healthy relationships with others.
This describes my biological mother, my biological father, my younger sister, my ex narcissistic therapist. All of them did this thing of "doublethinking". My therapist wanted my to believe that I was defecting. She said that I am still stuck in childhood. Then she abused me, blamed me for the abuse, gaslit me to believe that I was the problem. At that point, I realized that if I say anything about what happened in my childhood, she would say that I was stuck in childhood and would invalidate my pain. She made fun of the fact that I was crying a lot in my first 2 sessions. She showed me no empathy, or any compassion. At that time I believed that I may in fact be the narcissist, she played on that too. The next session, after abusing me and making me feel like I was so defective and I felt shame, she started saying that I was actually a kind person. Then I realized that she is in fact trying to control me.
Therapists I've been to are mostly poorly trained or just like jerking you around . I was speechless once when I told a therapist my earliest conscious memory of my mother was her raging and threatening me at 5 yrs old . Therapist says . 'what did you do to make her act like that ?' I was 5 - I wasn't responsible for my mother's actions .This was something my own narc mother tried to always lay on me . I was hurt , angry and disgusted by this therapist and won't go to another . We end up having to protect ourselves from abuse at every turn it seems .
So sorry you had a therapist like this! I've had two bad experiences with therapists, but not an abusive and manipulative experience. I did have an abusive divorce lawyer. She shamed me and took my ex's side I had to find a new lawyer. It's amazing that the people that are supposed to support and help us, can do more damage to us.
So the therapist told you that you are a narc and then you turned it around on her, and now you are the victim, again? Lmao 😂😂😂 Classic narc behavior...
Yeah, my Mother said, "You Just have Fair Weather Friends." with a voice dripping with contempt. She would dump on the best part of me. In adult life I was a magnet for selfish abusive female friends. Always doubting myself, with no self advocacy, or confidence.
Omg, yes my mom was the same. She never liked any of my friends. She always had this attitude like they must be hanging out with me out of pity and that none of them really cared about me. That's how she felt about me. Ironically, when I was friends with girls that were snarky, mean-spirited, and the real fair weather friends, she was their biggest fan and couldn't understand why I didn't want to hang out with them more lol.
I used to get, they're not real friends they just feel sorry for you. This was because my golden child sister didn't have friends, she had no idea how to be nice to anybody.
Me too everything was critzisized, so also my friends when i was à small girl, till my teens. Am now 49 years old and on healing journey, i have a lovely family but little friends always doubting myself. Love and courage from France
Oh boy, I have said this to myself all my life that I must be making it up or it was all my fault. I am 59 1/2 and have asked this since my first nervous breakdown at 19. I kept attracting these narcissists my whole life. The gaslighting and rewriting history was horrible. I am sick of their agenda. The chief narcissist my adopted mom died 5 years ago. Her daughter has taken over. She has turned my daughter against me. She is just like her mom. I have no contact. Then she sends a Christmas card. She stole tons of money from me too.
So sorry to hear that. Empaths are actively hunted down by narcissists in order to ruin them. Are lives aren't easy but we can support each other here and focus on what's ok in life.
I recently learned that cards are real and genuine to other people. Somebody at work got Covid and went to the hospital and people sent cards. I did not send a card. Why? Because they feel fake to me. I realized that all the narcs I my life send cards like there’s nothing wrong and that’s how I learned that cards are fake. So this woman returned to work and I had communicated my best wishes through her brother and now I think she’s wondering why I didn’t send a card. So even when I try to be normal, I can’t.
Why let them have your address? None of them get my address or location nor do any extended family or ANYONE any of them know. Radio silence. I don’t exist. If ANY of them have my location they will make it their full time job to ruin what life I have. My mother would love to kill my dog to hurt me. The anger because I walked out of their sick cult is the biggest danger I face. Maybe you’re luckier than me. I hope so.
I have a half sister who would do the same if I had children... and her & her mother would steal everything I have to destroy my hope & happiness. They literally want to destroy us. Literally...
This man knows his stuff. He has broad understanding of the tactics of abuse & the effects on a victim of these tactics. i know people shame the word "victim". But it is an accurate word for the effects on the scapegoat/victim who then becomes the survivor. Yes, it really was that bad. People who weren't there behind closed doors, or listening closely will find it hard to understand. Some people will tell you that it wasn't that bad. These people deny your reality. Like what happens/happened with the abuser. It is necessary to limit what you share with many, as you may be further blamed & shamed for "playing the victim". Invisible wounding is very real. It is the reason many shun others, or give up, or harm or end their own lives. it can also cause violence in the wounded person's behaviour toward others. Until more mebtal health professionals acknowledge the harm of this invisible abuse, they will continue to be less helpful to people than they could be.
My transient Narcissist mother said after I told her of the abuse i had suffered as a child, and indeed tried numerous times to seek help from her when I was a child that I need to "Stop fantasising about being abused" I was stunned and completely blown over. Ive cut them out again and permanently now. Well, until the court case...
Thank you so much for this! It's also especially hard when the scapegoat is target by so many people. Majority does not always rule. Amazing how somebody gets off on hurting their own child.
So weird that this video is released today. I am so tired of holding a boundary (with my parents) that I woke up this morning thinking ''was I actually too sensitive?'' which is exactly what they've been projecting on to me. Is my boundary too weak? Were they right all along? Or have I just relegated my parents' opinion of me to being less important. I used to need their approval. Maybe I can finally live with their 2 d not a real person low opinion of me now.
Live with, or flat out reject those opinions based on a skewed projective narrative. There shouldn't be such a thing as too sensitive. If someone's feelings are hurt by others' words, they shouldn't be invalidated. An honest conversation would clear things up. But we won't find that with these types.
For me, there is some level of wanting myself to be the problem, and I think others can relate. We want to be the problem because then we can change, and our experience isn't as horrific as the truth. The reality is we can't have a relationship with people who aren't interested in knowing you. I'm focusing on finding things that give me joy and trying new things; peeling back the layers of self I tried to force into being what they want. It's working, and I'm moving on.
@z1z2z3z z1z2z3z because if I am the problem, then I can fix it....whatever "it" is. It gave me a sense of control to think I actually was the problem.
Thank you so much. I can identify with the example of " Shannon" in this comforting, validating video. This is exactly what I went through with mean mom & sis. I watched them behave like "mean girls" when dealing with people ( salespeople, acquaintances, family ) They bullied me, & tried to imitate me on the other hand. I was just happy with life & positive before they came at me full force with their darkness and misery. My mom considered my entitled arrogant sister who acted like her, as the " good one". I was more like my dad who always had a smile for everyone. Thank you for these videos. They hit home for each kid who had to deal with these bullies who are supposed to be your family.
This is such an amazing comparison. I remember reading that as a teen as well and funny enough that is the one concept that really stood out to me. I remember thinking wow this is so insidious and it brought up a real sence of rage in me. And I didn"t even realize (or maybe I did on some level ) that I was undergoing that in my own family system. Ive also always seen a extremely clear parallel with psychopathology/ narcissism and dictators or any other abusive ruler.
My Golden Child brother recently started spreading a story that actually he was the abused victim of our family in the childhood, who healed himself. First time I heard him saying something negative about narc parent. I guess, after I went no contact, he received some of the toxicity which usually I got. He is not accustomed to any of it, so his new "victim to hero" story is an excuse to stop care after narc parent.
Interesting. When I stood firm in my own interpretation of events, my golden child brother (who insisted he was objective) was so aggressively insistent that I just buckle under and see everything through Mum's lens. All I did was stay firm in my own interpretation of events but he was getting very upset by that.
@@SusanaXpeace2u similarly not long time ago my brother said _"you're living surrounded by people who do not know you, so you think that you are cool, but I know you from childhood and I can see that it is very bad with you"_ This was his reply to my refusal to go back to the family system/role.
I Can see how this Could happen..and Truthfully The Golden is Also Not In a "Healthy" Relationship Either..I was BioDad's Goldend, I was Bio MoMs Scapegoat...My Middle Bro(only true friend at the time)Was Despised by my Dad seemingly the More I tried to Stand up for him the More Our Dad Didn't Like Him...but Mom Loved him to Pieces he Made Her Laugh as She Too Was Being Abused...hated me Alot...Our Youngest Bro was Treated Like an Extra Bag of Luggage we taught him to stay small to Avoid the Abuse, but he was Only 12 when I went to Boot Camp and then He Got Yanked into my Role, still have the Letters of Confussion he wrote to me, trying to Act tough tough though, saying he "Didnt" Miss Me But He wished I was There♡ In a Way it was Extra Terrible to Fight off 2 Mobs all Day Everyday...in another way I Feel that is the Only Reason my Brothers and I could Maintain a Strong Love and Vigilancia for each other.. I have More Hope, and I feel Safer the More I'm Able to Sort thru thru the Reality, and without the Loss of some Real GemStones 💎 in my Memory Banks. Focus on your own Medical Well Being, This Part Easier Said than Done "Knowing" You cant Help to Lift another if you are still in an Highly injured State Yourself. I'm so Gracious to see so Many Moving thru thier Grief. Keep journaling Your Reality allowing yourself to see you growimg each time you Work Thru a Diffrent Limbic State. Learn and Practice Healthier ways to Repurpose that Inner Critic, and the temporary feelings of being Paralyzed(Helpless/Hopeless) and Working with Your Therapist to Help See the Bigger Picture "Butterfly" effects. It's less uncomfortable than living out of Alignment with Your Principles and Value.♡♡♡
Interesting. I was the scapegoat and my sister was the golden children. But her and I get along great. And she finally sees them for what they are as they are treating her teenage kids the way they treated me and she is like WTF is this?? Her eyes have been opened, and she is able to tell them what’s what (not that it makes a difference) but I am wholly terrified of them.
Another great video as always which really validates people who have gone through narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic parents are injured when they have a child that knows their core self which is nothing like them and usually it is the child who is naturally genuine, loving, kind, authentic and compassionate by nature. The use of words like “being fake” or statements like “I know the real you” is always said to question and demean your entire reality and gaslight your sense of self because the narcissist has no sense of self except for pain that they have hidden from childhood and into adulthood that identity is then based on breaking others even their own children to create supply for their own lost and broken selves instead of fixing themselves. More narcissistic injury is also caused when you have friends outside of them because it is a threat to their own control over you since healthy people will allow you to see any toxicity including theirs so this is when they will call you fake because they are not able to have genuine friendships in their lives. The best way to recover from this is to deprogram yourself and not allow the narcissist to define you in any way. Do not defend yourself in anything they say because it is reinforcing who they accuse you of and mostly do not even explain or engage in their antics so the best would be to be emotionally dead when it comes to these type of people and the best is to of course eliminate them from yo life where possible to focus on healing your inner self.
Don’t even try.to explain this to anyone In frustration and a need for validation . No .I cant even figure it out. True as it is but hard to wrap ny head around Thank you
A good way to start trusting ones own perspective is probably join support groups for survivors of childhood abuse. I was sober from alcohol and still having a lot of cptsd symptoms that where quite debiliating, lack of boundaries was one of the main ones because i was the scapegoat as well and my perspective was constantly invalidated although i knew the narc parent was delusional i kind of had to comply like it was explained to stop the rage attacks. I found a "mentor" figure in these support groups that encouraged me to start setting boundaries in a job I was in. I was sober but people picked on me still, since i attached to many people still in my family role of the scapegoat because i had the trauma and the feeling of inadecuacy and the trauma in my body. Long story short i had done enough trying and being around healthy neough people that spoke about the need for them to set boundaries , specially this mentor, that I started setting my own boundaries and protesting unfair treatment in the job i was in which was in construction so this is already rough around the edges job. Since the bullying didnt stop i left the job walked out of it one day, and felt an internal happiness, self love and self-respect that i hadn't felt be4. I felt like i was honoring my inner childs perspective and feelings , over people that where clearly abusive and didnt have my best interest. I felt happiness and a strength and commitment, i awakend my healthy anger that day, and have built on that muscle or resource or instinct of self protection since then. I dont have to abandon myself anymore. My healthy anger is online, and im connected to my perspective of my inner child, or gut.
@@howto-wiki8291 i fully got his back and am his voice now i promised this to him and to take care of him as best as i can and i enjoy earning his trust and honoring our agreement to be his voice, and also take care of him :)!
@@howto-wiki8291 yes we were right to say it was crazy and abusive and toxic behaviour when we were children and so unfair.... and it was about the narcisistic parent issues with themselves and not about us! Happy to be in healing for 3 years now and standing in my worth and value and dignity and authenticity with selfrespect :)!!!!!!
@@franciscoguevara9727 even if our way of saying it was lashing out . Our inner child will be heard and catered to for now on. Remember it’s about their insecurity’s , that they wanted to share with you, to make them your insecurity’s
My mother said the strangest thing when she was in hospital. She said when she looked in the mirror she couldn't see her reflection. There was nobody there. This was during the pandemic when no family was allowed to visit
We accepted our giants world view which was one that said we are worthless and only the giants know truth. Until we find a new world view andstrengthen our allegiance to the new view are we able to step back and see the giants and twisted, dark, hateful, pathetic parents, teachers, etc.
Everything has subtext in narcissistic systems. Your reference to Orwell's 1984 is on point. "The party (narcissist) told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command."
Dr Reid touches on an issue here that I’ve had with my family. I’ve come a very long way from having a compulsive need to hurt and destroy myself, self-negation being a feature of CPTSD. The crazy thing is the insistence on telling me what I do and do not remember, and on my motivations for my actions. My mother did the latter when we talked about why I started smoking. I told her I started really smoking when working graveyard shift at a nursing home, as a way to stay awake. She insisted I started because I thought it would look cool. No. But I understand why she thought that. I remember her telling me once that she got a soft drink, rare back in the Depression, and walked around in the front yard, so everyone would see it. I don’t think that way, at all. Not caring what other people think became a survival skill for me long ago. Now that was a trait in me that she really did not like.
Their tactics usually have that plausible deniability factor. That's the thing, that ability to know what and when, and how, to getcha, that shows a sharp predatory instinct imho
I feel this way again. You start to doubt yourself. Even if you see things for where they are. Then that someone else says that what you see is not true. Disgusting when it happens. You get totally lost. in the head.
I am the scapegoat in the family and I am over 70 now. They have never changed the way they disrespect me every time we have been together. I removed them from my life and the peace and joy flooded back into my life. In the past they invited me to the party so I could see them ignoring me. They wanted me there to see them having friends and show me I was excluded from their circle. It wasn't until I became a Christian that God showed me their rude and mean mentality. I was then free to move on to others outside the family. My family are those who love Christ and act like they love others.
Thank you for your comment. I am 70 myself and as it was doublespeak and her reality all my life after therapy I found my true authentic self. I went no contact this year. But she was living in our condo as a renter despite our subsidizing her for 30 yrs since dad died. This doesn’t get better as they age. My mother is 91 and she decided it was time to quit pay rent and live on us rent free and that she deserved to squat in our real estate with the intention to die there. She refused home assistance and is in dementia but the covert narc behaviors are her survival and deeply entrenched while she has also lost her ability for social masking. She made illegal false accusations against us to authorities as easy as having a cup of tea. She has refused any freedom of thought and discussion my entire life so there was no resolution. We had to get two lawyers versed in elder law and she refused all independent assistance by social workers, home health care etc she is 91 and unable to live alone and our condo and community were at risk. She left us no choice but to have her evicted, then an independent fiduciary could take her to a care facility that she needs. I have walked away from her and her family for good. The entire little group remaining are a closed system of abuse and exploitation. They helped her. These people I grew up with. They all live on other peoples money! I did the best and legal thing ultimately and now I am done. My husband and I are 70 and it’s time we heal and move forward with our lives.
Thank you for this video. I have asked this question all my life. My Narc family says “You need us!” That was when I confronted my Dad to break the financial control that I am still under. The Narc family runs like a religious cult. I went through counseling at a church and the pastor announced in front of the entire congregation “How does it feel to be normal?” As in their counseling “healed” me. It did not. I left that church only to go back years later. Left again because of Narc predator that was grooming me that church would not remove. I’ve been scapegoated in work situations with a jealous manager who asked me why I did not get a “real” job? At the time my job was part-time and temporary. I got a management position somewhere else and right before I left this person stopped speaking to me. The unfortunate scapegoat pattern has continued. I recognize the toxic people put their Shame on me. My toxic parents “need” me for their narcissistic supply. It is interesting to see how when we exercise our independent thinking, it feels foreign to us because we have been engaged in their double think for so long. I’ve been no contact 12 months from my family. I’m ready to restore credibility in myself and live my life. The next step is how to stop self-sabotage, and when I do take that next positive step , to stop procrastinating when trying again. Any videos on that?
I could see how that could happen..I guess I was lucky ..there were too many witnesses who spoke up. They DID ask me how I could stand the BS and the mocking names I was called ..like "the Genius" "the Sage" "Sarah Bernhardt" "Cinderella"... I had been tested with a very high IQ...I was always on the honor roll..I made very high grades...won French and art awards. played first flute...SOOOOOOOOO I had to be mocked for achievements that normal families would celebrate. I thank God..kept a photo they took of me scrubbing the floor on Friday night...( which I did as I finished up after shopping cooking washing, etc.) They would stand over me and laugh.."OH CINDERELLA...THE PRINCE JUST CALLED ..HE CAN'T WAIT...SO YOU ARE NOT GOING TO THE BALL"...Their repetative joke...but one Friday they snapped a photo...I almost threw it away..but I decided to keep it...
OMG, this is the same sort of mind f*** my narcissist father laid on me! He wasn't running a family, he was running a cult, with himself as leader! My mother and sibling hung on his every word, while I was the scapegoat. Unfortunately though, I internalized the low self-esteem he inculcated in me. I really appreciate your deprogramming, and will watch more of your videos.
I'm an older survivor, so I had neurodivergent issues (auditory & visual-processing delays) that were undiagnosable until I was at least 25 years old, & weren't diagnosed in me till past the age of 40. How it played out in my scapegoat life was that I was always accused of disobedience by both parents & teachers from not listening (to directives yelled at me), daydreaming, or simply being "stupid" (when my processing issues got in the way). I didn't realize how severely debilitating the effects were until trying to talk with my son on something we disagreed upon about 14 months ago, & I felt the same dynamics (he came to see me ostensibly for my birthday, but ended up unfavorably comparing me to his fiancee, telling me I was 'weak,' & that my [trauma-informed therapy] was my therapist being paid to "spare my feelings." I have had to emotionally disconnect myself from his opinion of me. He has learned to see me as lesser & a servant due to my lifelong universal scapegoat status. Although his life is on all fronts better than mine in terms of personal successes, I think he blames my 'weakness' for our poverty growing up. I'm at the point of being ready to cut ties with him, because I refuse to be his scapegoat: & I think he has become a covert narc with me as his only prey, because part of the fallout for me is that I've been diagnosed with CPTSD-induced bipolar 1 disorder for the past 19 years. My MH provider at the time didn't offer family therapy, though I requested it several times. I think this put the nail in the coffin as to his opinion of me...& instead of chasing after his love anymore, I've decided to dedicate the rest of my life to changing the way people raise & educate their children. With other members of my scapegoat support groups, I want to create an anthology collage of images, poems, narratives, (& if online as a slideshow), original music & dance pieces, to shine a light upon our experiences. It wasn't quite 6 years ago that I finally learned of my true nature as an empath & not just a scapegoat, & I was already 58. I have no grandchildren or other family commitments to hold me back, & I've already let my son know that I'm working on my legacy. He can see the anthology once it's either published or available online...after which, I want to write my own story. He'll either get it or he won't. I can't afford to care about his opinion of me anymore, since he refuses to try & understand my mental health issues, & he doesn't know the full story. All the more reason to get our story out there: I really have nothing else to lose
Nobody chooses to believe, is what I think! BESIDES they may be of the same pattern of thinking OR just do not want to deal with it! Ya know? They are PICKING DAISEYS in a rainbow garden, Pollyanna's!
This is what I needed to hear today. Trying to get my feelings acknowledged in my house, or even just getting a genuine reflection of myself mirrored back to me, was nearly impossible. I felt crazy, like what I was experiencing was all made up in my head since everyone else around me seemed to believe that I was the problem, the instigator and the abuser. Going low contact had my family in shock and enraged, they "had no idea" why I did this. I had my doubts for a while that what I experienced and went through was as painful and horrible as I remembered it. Though I'm not proud of the self-harm I did to cope, it's a very physical and real reminder that what I endured was as bad as I remember it. I just have to accept and never forget that them denying my experiences and refusing to accept responsibility is not my fault, but something they do to avoid feeling bad about themselves.
Thank you for providing this content to us :) The example of double think is perfect, and I never thought of it that way before. Not least because it gives hope that our own judgement of ourselves and our motives is still there, still safe and waiting to be rediscovered. We just need to, as you say, get out of the habit instilled in us by the narcissistic parent, and while this may be incremental rather than sudden, with perseverance it will come. Thank you so much for giving us this revelation and I hope you will have a pleasant and peaceful sunday.
Why is it that the more I keep listening to you explain why the abuse was not my fault, the more it makes the critical mother's "voice" in my mind louder, saying how worthless I am? (I don't mean her literal voice, just more akin to a powerful intrusive thought)
Just 'wow' on the topic of 'Double-Think'. Your example of 'Shannon' and her interest in Habitat For Humanity was so resonant. It feels like the reason I rarely did the things I was drawn to like joining the Peace Corp or going to college.
I recently started going to therapy and my therapist says I was the scapegoat but idk. Me and my mom would fight all the time when I was 12/13. I was being bullied at school and I had undiagnosed adhd and I started acting out a lot. I'd get so angry at myself and then me and my mom would yell at each other but I think I was the abusive one. I would name call and say I hated her and I'd hit her to get her away from me. But my therapist keeps saying that my parents failed to meet my needs and I feel that too because I was really struggling at the time and they didn't offer adequate support but I was also such a mean person I feel bad blaming them for not meeting my needs because it was my fault for being a difficult child so I made it harder for them to care for me
Being a scapegoated child set oneself up to be taken advantage of later in life. The information in this video also applies to people who take you for granted, i.e. non-safe people in one's life.
thank you Jay, it is totally possible to recover from narcissistic abuse. It does take time and happen slowly just like you say. For me it took approximately two years of quite intensive introspection and work
This is a very interesting and powerful video. I recognise my myself in there. You are constantly told you are "useless" and "hopeless" and finally you grow up believing it. As a little girl, I won a church painting competition. I remember I painted rabbits surrounded by trees in a wood. It was a child's painting, but it won 1st prize (a book) and I remember the shame I felt when my mother said to one of the judges "well, I don't think it deserves to win first prize". I also remember when I first began to work in a uni lib. and bought my mother a bunch of red tulips (her favourites) and she screamed at me and was really angry. I remember feeling hurt and useless. My mother, sadly, passed in 2010, but I still feel the pain. These videos are so helpful in my desire to heal - thank you. Hopefully, I and many others watching these videos, will keep progressing along the healing process.
Thank you for this video. The struggle is real and knowing I’m not alone in having doubts of what I experienced is helpful. Sometimes I have to re-read my journal to remind me of what’s been going on my entire life in my FOO.
I've never heard this term double think before. Putting distance between yourself and the parent alone doesn't make it better. Yikes. This explains a lot!
So glad I found your channel. Really appreciate your videos! Thank you, Jay! So refreshing to feel understood and to be learning more about what I experienced.
YES to the title of your video!! Also add: Am I overreacting? And here’s the the big one I’ve asked my therapist many times: Am I really the narcissist? Luckily she’s assured me I’m not. Whew!
I blamed myself for everything a six family did even when I wasn't involved I took the hit, I thought I would deal with it better as I am stronger than them .. but then it caused my immune system and sympathetic nervous systems to shut down! Nearly killed me I got out at the last minute and still 18 months recovering a piece at a time!
If ever i bring up an unpleasant memory, I am told, "You must have grown up in some parallel universe." I was told so often that i "have to be the bigger person," or that i had to make unlimited sacrifices for the golden child because, "she's the youngest," that it has taken decades to see it as not only unfair, but as actual abuse. And there was always some excuse or rationalization as to why it had to be that way, so that it would sometimes sound reasonable, until you strung it all together and realize that it was in G.C.'s favor Every. Single. Time. without fail, even in cases where i had earned something.
My parents say often they’re not like that parents who beat kids. They never beat me but they did horrible things and gaslighted me. They talk about how family is most important and they abused me in many ways. They were mad because I asked for help. They have crazy conspiracy theories.
Its so hard to shake, I feel subhuman . Especially if it was ingrained in early childhood, the people around, and if authorities were used, and even your lover.. I don't think Ill ever be good enough... but wait, that was his words. But it feels all so real. What I have to say is 'crazy' and 'I believe my own lies' says a judge coerced by the other parties top barrister. Everyone believes judges so he must be correct. But I know what I saw when the abuse happened, and in my fear and trauma I was trying my best to say the truth... but somehow being unprepared cross questioned when trying to recall I was called a lier... the amount of undercover abuse I went through that 'cult' group did to me and stalking us... but no, nobody seems to believe, I even had to 'prove myself' what I already saw happening just to save my own sanity but still struggled because everyone around was forcing me to doubt.
My brother the alcoholic golden child called to my house in the early hours of the morning drunk, aggressive as per usual to me his sister and my hubby many years ago now, I had a ten month old baby at the time. We where woken by stones thrown at the windows and abusive shouting to let him in our home. My husband opened the upstairs window and shouted down to him “go home” he lived with my parents. He wouldn’t go and shouted back, “my mother will hear about this!”……I stupidity let him in, I was only 22 at the time. He barged passed me into my kitchen/Dining room and demanded cigarettes etc from me I said no, so he put his foot through my small fish tank and it smashed all over the floor with the fish flying everywhere. He then got a shard of glass and pushed me into the wall and pushed the glass to my throat and demanded cigarettes….my hubby ran down the stairs and pushed hi. Out of the way and subsequently gave him a blackened eye and threw him out of our home. Next day mother and father turned up at our home and our son, her and my fathers grandson was sitting in his high chair, she pointed to him and said to myself and my hubby “that is your baby isn’t it?”, she went on to say, “well he (my brother) is my baby”……I was so shocked she took his side after all the trouble he caused and still does 34 years later!……Mother still gives me the silent treatment and my 53 year old over privileged brother golden child still lives with her our father long deceased, i keep going back and apologising to keep the peace. I keep thinking it’s me, I’m the narcissist. it’s my fault, I don’t matter😢
Jay, I've watched a handful of your videos now, and this is one of my favorites so far. I am deep in the throes of moving through this toxic everything, and the insight and examples you provided here are extremely relevant, validating and powerful. Thank you so much for what you do and for how much work and focus you put into these videos. Also, you deserve WAY more views and likes than you have! I hope more and more people seeking this information find your channel at some point.
This is my pain. I do remember instances of feeling abused, and I’m pretty certain my father was a narcissist, but I can’t remember many specific incidences, and I often feel that the suffering and mental damage I have incurred is disproportionately larger than the level of abuse I faced. All I remember is how I felt. I know I felt deeply ashamed, guilty, sinful, defective, scared and all of those things. And I know that the pain and suffering I’ve experienced as an adult is immeasurable. And I truly mean immeasurable. From social anxiety, to obsessive thinking, to hyper vigilance, fawning after manipulative people, feeling inherently deeply disgusting and just every negative thing under the sun. But whenever I try to remember specific examples of abuse, I come up short, and that makes me feel like I’m making the whole thing up. I also have examples of times he put in tremendous effort on my behalf, although I always felt that this was because he just saw me as an extension of himself. I have no one to validate what I feel. It doesn’t help that my enabler mother tells me how great and caring my father was and that it wasn’t that bad. At this point I even doubt whether she is actually an enabler, or if I’m really making everything up. I just know that I feel broken beyond repair and have done so all my life. I want to cut them off because I have this intuitive sense that I was done wrong by. I do know many wrong things were done too, but it doesn’t seem like I should have taken on that badly. What should I think and what should I do, I don’t know. I want to cut them off, at the same time, it seems like a crazy thing to do, and it seems like they weren’t that bad and I’m just being my usual evil self and having problems with everyone..
Thank you so much! This is one of my hardest hurdles is making myself believe I’m not over dramatizing, I’m being too sensitive or making things up. I battle this every day.
I just bought your book. I don't know how or why, but I'm thankful you came into my feed. Listening to you gave me the courage to block my parents and go no contact yesterday. I've been crying SO much. I'm afraid, I'm trembling, but in my 39 years of life, something big clicked from listening to you. Narcissistic parents are DANGEROUS and they did so much damage that I don't know if I'll ever be whole. But I can't take the abuse anymore.
Wow Jay, the double think perspective is certainly great for understanding why guilt is the never ending visitor to scapegoat survivors. Thank you for this perspective!
Your videos are super helpful. I would immediately sign up for therapy with you; such a shame that you only take clients from California! But please, please keep posting. I would love a video on the inner critic and practical steps how to finally be able to diminish that constant self-hate.
Also, so sick that the narc requires loyalty, yet they have no loyalty toward the scapegoat.
100&
Exactly. Whenever I doubt myself, I ask myself: When my mom was on my side when someone else harmed me?” The answer: Never.
”When she kept my secrets?” The answer: ”Never. She told to the first people she met what setbacks I had had. It was a FUNNY story that she could tell and get attention. Etc. Her ACTIONS are like this.
Why, by the way, I should ”made this up” when the basic fact is, that one upon a time I admired my mother. I thought that she is the most beautiful person in the world. WHY I should make up the thing that actually, she is doing things that make me feel awful.
Why would anyone ”made up” this bad feeling about the person he/she loves - or thought she/he loved?
There is no sense.
@@sannajohanna5579 My mother is the same. I let her go 4 years ago.
No lie told
I think that “loyalty” they demand is actually “secrecy.” It was at my house.
The people with the “good enough” parent will never understand what a jumpstart they had. Their parents actively or passively supported them in their pursuits. Whereas our parents actively sabotaged, mocked or shamed us for our pursuits.
The “double think” reference point in this video showcases our instinct to doubt ourselves since we were programmed to react this way by our gaslighters.
Amen
I agree. It's not just about abuse or neglect. They will actively turn you against yourself, whether they are conscious of it or not, so you can't even trust or rely on yourself.
@@katieg7679 yes hard to admit but metoo
Yes. Thank you
@@katieg7679 One of the most nefariously insidious things about it.
My mother expected me to believe all sorts of nonsense about my self. I was clumsy, forgetful, nobody liked me, not very intelligent were the favourites that she would tell her parents and other family members. She also joked that money just burnt a hole in my pocket , but golden child sister would save any money. She didn't know that I was secretly saving, and when she found out, she went crazy and claimed I owed her all the money for my upbringing. But it was too late, I was 18, she never got the money and she never found out how much it was.
That’s a good story and the exact same thing my mother did. If she knew I had any money at all she would steal it from me. She would say I owe her rent, food, etc. i was 14. She made work illegally at 14 & said all I earned was hers. She made me work full time at a burger place at 14 when I was in 8th grade trying to go to school. I was so tired. They would buy me nothing. No clothes, a bar of soap nothing. And our family was very well off financially. There was no poverty.
Excellent!
👏🙌🏼💐🎉
I learned a great deal from having to work since 3rd grade. But it was eye opening to learn from a boyfriend that it is probably better to have the energy to focus 💯 % on school in high school to get into a better college or University.
@@pearpo Yes, I can understand that, but my ail was to be financially independent and get the hell away from toxic parents.
As I've gotten older I feel more and more unsafe around people. I'm frozen most days. Out of options.
What makes these accusations so dangerous is that there is some truth to them, which makes them virtually irrefutable. My judgement is NOT always sound; my motives are NOT always pure. I've noticed that in safer relationships, the question seldom even arises, though, and when it does, there is more mutuality to it. It's more like, 'yeah, I've made that error, too, and learned from it. What did YOU learn?' Being accused of having poor judgement and impure motives is a little like being accused of being human! It's not a false accusation; the lie is that the abuser is superior or infallible or has a right to pass judgement on the motives and judgement of others. It's also a lie that we have an obligation to have 100% sound judgement or 100% pure motives. No one does! The best we can do is take care of ourselves and do no harm, and continue to learn and grow.
Great point! Narcissists have to see themselves as above everyone, they attack behavior that is only human. We start to see our human tendencies as bad, instead of something to learn and grow from and show self compassion for.
❤️100% agree with everything you said here 👌
Thank you for this. I’ve been thinking about your comment all day and it’s been shifting up and out some distorted thinking and perfectionism I’ve been struggling with.
I am just a human being. I am going to make mistakes and that is perfectly normal. My parents rarely allowed mistakes and I grew up feeling that if I make one I am this enormously defective creature. So I have gradually become more and more avoidant. I am stepping out of this and I thoroughly appreciate what you are pointing out here.
Here's something I wrote a little while ago:
Please do not try to fix me, I am not broken.
There is nothing wrong with me, except that I am human.
To be human is to be imperfect, fallible and have human emotions.
The only thing wrong is that I was not taught this growing up.
I thought something was wrong with me...
Because I was human.
Because I made mistakes.
Because I sometimes failed on the first try.
Because I sometimes was angry, or sad, or just plain confused.
People convinced me of this for over 50 years.
I forgave others for being human, but never myself.
From now on I will stop trying to fix myself.
I am not broken.
I am only human.
Charissa--That was so insightful, and so clearly stated. I truly think that your single paragraph has done more for me than the last year or two of therapy when it comes to understanding the harm that was done to me as a child; and the more I understand it, the more I can rise above it. Thank you so much.
My sister always posts Holiday or family get togethers on facebook with long comments on what they are doing and how great it is. Big smiles. I was at all these things in my younger days for decades and it was never that way. It was cruel , mean, loud, obnoxious people shouting and saying disparaging things. I get so confused when I see her posts.
After all, image is everything. You know your truth!
That's because your words ring with an honest truth that they still seem to deny. Either that, or it really doesn't bother them. Some are the instigators and enablers of these events, while some are just trying to survive through them as best they can.
I will add some compassion for some of the innocents, though, like the children or young adults. Sometimes they don't know what they're getting into, or what they're forced to be involved in. I was forced, most of the time to attend these events when I almost always felt the same way about them: bored, out of place, weird, quiet, disturbed by people'e behavior, wanting to get away or be by myself. They weren't all bad, of course, but since we're all lamenting here a bit, thought I'd chime in.
I've been to dozens and dozens of social, family or friend events in my life with people that I despise... I just wasn't conscious until age 32 that I actually despised my mother for a long time, and she is a total socialite. But, I suppressed it for so long because the truth of that was too painful to face. I'm still struggling with that, but I feel there will be an eventual inevitability between her and I... and that is when I will leave, for good. (infuse epic instrumental music here)
They're on stage. You've gone from being backstage with all the prima donnas, chaos, emotional upheavals, and hissy fits, to being in the 'audience' with the rest of the hoi polloi, seeing only the refined, rehearsed final presentation. consider yourself fortunate. And BLOCK THEM.
This! This comment right here
She is trying to manipulate YOU and she is doing it. I would block her page & never look at it again so long as you live. If you simply can’t I would go to a good therapist to help me work out why not. I so understand. I kept coming back for more abuse. It was too scary not to for me. I wanted a family, even if it was awful. When I was finally able to walk & go totally no contact was when my life started. When certain nosy people wanted info I made up a story that both parents & brother were killed when I was very young. I don’t care what anyone thinks, that works for me.
Absolutely. My parents are quite weak as individuals. Their strength is as a couple. They have stonewalled me on a number of issues and these silences and the stonewalling have goaded and bated me to display anger which I was then judged very harshly for. The focus is all on the anger I have displayed. They will not see their defensiveness/co-dependency, their intransigence, triangulation, manipulation, their silent treatments, their stonewalling, their view that my perspective is an act of aggression perpetrated against *them*
We must be related somehow because you just wrote my experience exactly!
R U MY SISTER?
Damn you said it, girl. Wow. 👊🏼(this is me punching them for you)
Mine does the same thing. I live with PTSD from the abuse and my abuser always says “you’re so angry/negative all the time”. I just shrug and move on
Extremist left and right work just like this in politics too. And create a world that creates more and more narcissists. We need to upturn this trend by confrontation and consistent involvement.
The guilt of having elderly narcissist parents is also heavy. I want to be there for them but can't because it's too damaging. It's odd, even at their most vulnerable (old age) they still ruin it for themselves and everyone who could help them.
You phrased the phenomenon so well, and I appreciate that you put ownership where it belongs! < : - ) "...they still ruin it for themselves and everyone who could help them." My elderly aunt became relentlessly passive aggressive after I set a totally appropriate boundary about my own health while caregiving her. Because I've worked on healing my childhood abuse I was able to stick to my guns when she literally asked me in writing to ignore my feelings and concerns because she's "old and sick and doesn't have much time left." Whaat!?! Yikes!
I'm proud of myself for not falling for it, but it was striking to me that she was willing to lose her unpaid health aid/chauffeur rather than treat me with the most basic courtesy and compassion.
I hope you can lay down the burden of guilt and find peace. ❤ Good wishes to you!
My dynamic exactly
Yes they would rather loose us than to treat us right EXACTLY @
I am in that place...
Let it begin with YOU! Your convenient oversight is your AGEISM towards your parents seeing then as an age Old?! rather than as people EQUALLY.
I read “1984” when I was in high school too. It put me into another imaginary world that I knew I would be living in in the future. I realize now that I was always living in it since the day I was born. It’s quite mind blowing!
Holy shit that's deep!!! I read it in high school, too. I remember feeling very afraid it would come true, and feeling like it was a long way off... not so much. Oh, how times and technology have altered everything in our world. I miss the 90's and some of the early 2000's.
I think Orwell understood narcissism so well. Learning about narcissism and realizing its impact on my family of origin, I was reminded of something the pigs said in Orwell's novel Animal Farm: "All of the animals are equal, but some are more equal than others."
1984 is on the very highest of level. When oligarchy does consume all of us, a lifetime of narc abuse will resemble a day in the park.
"get to hold authority over your own perspective rather than grant it to the other person " love your info, thanks so much for your work
As a child of a covert narc mum,I would say it is all about trauma bounding,mother/father wound and the cognitive dissonance of surviver of narcisstic abuse.
I was drawn to this video because, as a young teen, I was forced to believe that a relationship with someone who genuinely cared about me was something I had made up. Only now, 39+ years later, have I realized that it was genuine. It was real. The reason my abusive narcissist mother forced that person from my life and out of my conscious mind was because she was terrified of losing her scapegoat. I would have left. I would have gotten out. I would have had support, encouragement and love. But, then, what would she do???
I have no empathy for narcissists. I don't care that they were 'abused' as youth, or that they have a 'mental illness'. They make choices, just like the rest of us. They can go to therapy if they wanted to. They are adults. I was a child. I had no other options.
That's it in a nutshell. Well put. ❤
Very true - in my life as well. I am disgusted with the opinions of others that I need to understand they were abused as if they get a free pass and I must continue subjecting myself to the abuse. They made choices as adults to perpetuate - this was their choice - to abuse mentally and emotionally, possibly physically, to release their hatred and lack of value in themselves. That is ugly and not love. I tell those people who think they know it all - ok YOU go apply your knowledge and “understand” them then. You deal with them - you don’t have the history and “understanding” that I do, so YOU go help them and give them all your compassion and time. Took home health nurses and social worker about six months. And they are done. But it gave me time, distance and documentation to remove myself completely. I am just cleaning up the remains emotionally and that may be a daily choice for me but to have my hard fought authentic self and my own life back (at 70) this will be my choice the rest of my life. I know I have not lost love or empathy along the way - just stark reality that I can’t be partly involved. It’s like being a little bit pregnant. You either are involved and affected or you are not.
Such good communication on this topic. I wouldnt waste time or money on a therapist that wasnt a healed scapegoat. A book-learned therapist can not hope to fully understand and serve a recovering trauma victim of familial scapegoat abuse.
I have had a pretty messy time with cycles of self-doubt with regards to whether my family is narcissistic and if my mother is who I feel like she is, and the ugly way I felt growing up (despite my natural child-like joy). I have an early memory from childhood where I am at the dinner table with my family and I forget what I may have done, if anything. I remember my mother saying "You dirty little piglet, you deserve to live down the bottom of the garden" with a look of disgusted distain on her face.
I also remember my older sister and stepfather joining in and my making noises of agreement, so that it became obvious the whole table was mocking me. I remember feeling frightened and terrible, shrunk down to feel so small, rejected by the clan and alone. Right there, in that early memory is where I get my strength to know I am right, to support all the other instances I can recall.
Another thing that has confirmed I am right about being the family scapegoat is the response I have had from my sisters when I have communicated what I suspect about our parents. There has been partial acknowledgment by them because at times they have been temporarily scapegoated by my mother and enabling stepfather, so they only admit to there being some issue with my mothers personality. My sisters cant admit or acknowledge that I have been scapegoated, because to do so is to admit they have been and are, implicit in the abuse (they know what they have done and how they secretly (while pretending to be respectful) actually feel towards me as a result of being brain-washed by the scapegoat narrative propaganda. You will never get confirmation and support from anyone within the toxic family system.
@HeartFeltGesture I've also found it so helpful to have touchstone memories that are unambiguously messed up that I can revisit to snap me out of self-gaslighting mode. Discovering the concepts of emotional flashbacks and complex PTSD from relational trauma in childhood have also helped. Understanding that self-gaslighting is a *symptom* and legacy of the abuse makes it easier to say, "Not today, Satan!" ; - ) Best wishes to you! ❤
This is an insight I really need. Sometimes, it’s the parent who’s not the obvious monster who does the most damage.
100%
100%!!
Yes
True.
This! ✅️
Until I learned more about the Narcissistic family system with it's scapegoat requirement, I never had a clue as to what happened to me as a kid and why. Finally, the pieces of the puzzle are fitting together. Thanks so much Jay for sharing your knowledge. It's making it possible to finally feel some degree of hope. Though now a senior, I really want to experience life differently than before, even if for a relatively limited time. Thanks again Jay.
Being brainwashed as a child by a narcissistic parent is one of the worst experiences someone can go through, since its shadow casts over the adulthood. Until you have an epiphany and realize you were raised by a narcissistic parent who reprogrammed your brain to think otherwise. It's never too late to open your eyes and start living fully. All the best!
@@elsaaforges Thank's Elsa for your encouragement and kind comment. All the best to you as well!
@@elsaaforges Thanks Elsa for your kind comment. Though I've long since realized what happened and why etc, it's been very difficult to transcend the effects of the harsh, narcissistic abuse from the early years of my life. I do intend to keep on trying though and hope for a good outcome.
At 85, I am only NOW learning about narc-parents. Yeah! It IS worth FINALLY understanding! What will my life NOW be like, as an Okay Human?
I plan to find out!
I was not only mistreated by my parents, but I encountered too much rejection from the kids in my neighborhood and my schoolmates.
This was a formidable hate campaign, and because it makes no sense, I have to wonder if one or both parents turned everyone else against me.
My mother tells me she can't remember anything about me as a child (looks coldly distant when asked); whilst recanting lovingly detailed stories about my 3 brothers. However, when I tell my own story to others who may be inquiring kindly about some aspect of my earlier life she interrupts me to give her version which is always designed to make me look stupid or selfish.
These Ns really know how to hate relentlessly: there is no off switch in regard to your destruction.
Sadly it will always be that way unless you go no contact. Peace.♥️
omg . yes
@blackdog I'm so sorry you got such an unworthy mother. I was just thinking recently about how telling it was that when I asked my mother to tell me how I was as a child she got a dreamy look of fond recollection as she described me having a temper tantrum on the floor of a restaurant as a very little kid and her boyfriend telling me "Nobody cares."
"Thanks" mom, for validating that the problem was you all along.
I wish you well!
Wow. Word for word…except I have 2 brothers. Oh my goodness. Can’t remember a thing about my childhood….but every detail about my brothers. She hates me. Recently proved that by setting about with my ex husband to destroy me. This is crazy. I’ve never met another person who has been through this. Finally went no contact.
Same and I have three brothers. I know how they were as children, yet no clue how I was other than "bad" obviously
That's what the abusive people love to thrive on is gaslighting the scapegoat, it's easier for them to call the scapegoat crazy and then look at themselves, especially when people never question their accusations. Recovery is possible but we need the right support
How long does recovery take? I want my whole family out of my life ASAP.
One of my main coping mechanisms is forgetting, which is making university very hard for me because I have a really hard time memorizing thing. As soon as I used to break up with someone, after a week most memories are gone, mainly the bad ones and it takes some effort to make the resurface. The "am I making this up?" question comes a lot to me now because I left the narc family situation more than a year ago. But then, it takes just a picture to make me go into an almost panic attack, even tho I don't remember every single bad memory, my body and my subconscious do.
This also describes something that narcisists tend to do, and that is called gaslighting. They deny your reality, they deny they said something earlier, or did something. To them it didn't happened, or if it did, you deserved it. The example mentioned here also connects on one other topic (covered in another Jay's video), that narcisist can't let you have joy in your life that is not connected to them.
At one point, my father made up that I was in a cult because why else would I defy his will (even though he was sexually abusive to me). Years later, leaving a therapy session with two siblings who were unaffected by my father's abuse toward me by saying I was having "false memory syndrome," I said, "The only cult I've ever been in is this family." I believe that to this day because a cult, like a narcissist head of family, demands "obedience above all," the watch words of Adolf Hitler and the Nazis. Narcissists want you to obey them above all else.
"The only cult I've ever been in is this family." Spot on!
The sad thing is they're stuck in it and don't even know it.@@bellaluce7088
Words can not describe how good, and at the same time excruciatingly painful it is to finally find out the truth. These videos, in combination with lots of therapy give me validation for the things I knew and felt deep inside.The bubble has burst and I'm deeply hurt for the years that I've lost. My family broke me and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive them for what they did.
Sorry to hear that. I just accepted and learned that was me too. My mom always lied, but when I found out the truth on the last one. I think I’m done for good.
WOOOW!!! My mother would tell others that they “don’t know the real me. The real girl, is nothing like that sweet caring girl who just volunteered to help at the church”.
Geez. They are utterly pathetic people!
Had an entire "cult like" step family that I had to endure this from. Now no contact with them, after they tried to lie, manipulate & gaslight over execution of a will. I had to hire a lawyer to get them to do what was legally required. Best decision that I made - to protect me against their lies.
Did this have to do with finances? I might have to do the same. 😞
@@CC-wy1gn yes. Finances & access to accounts.
Me too
I had narcissistic tendencies as a child and a teenager because both my parents projected their inadequacies on me and I formed the same coping mechanisms that they did to deal with my sense of inadequacy.
Around the age of 19 I became aware of this and my inner experience felt like I had jumped out of a plane with no parachute. I had no sense of anything and was so self-conscious of the fact that I didn’t understand why I did the things I did or how I couldn’t trust my own perceptions that daily life was tormenting.
However I didn’t fall back into what was familiar and slowly started putting the pieces back together my family took apart.
It took a long time and I still find myself dealing with the fallout but I’d say 80% of the time I know who I am and have a sense of peace and gratitude. The other times when I still feel that fog, it’s nowhere near as overwhelming, and it does not dominate my day when it arises.
Narcissists are too afraid to go down that path. It’s too demanding and it requires you to face your demons and admit you’re wrong and need to change so that you won’t suffer and the people connected to you won’t suffer because of you.
When you think about it, breaking the narcissistic family dynamic is more than just ending the cycle. It’s a redemptive process.
Thank you. I was encouraged to be an artist since I was little. However, this ‘encouragement’ was always layered with ‘but others have to ‘make up’ for your lack of responsibility and pull the weight you don’t because others sacrifice to allow you to live your dreams.’ *As if I didn’t have jobs to support myself.
My sister would really lay into this distortion and I always felt like I was this terrible person somehow ripping off society because I expressed myself thru Art. It makes no sense when I sit with it.
So I always chose jobs that made my creativity ‘useful’ in the eyes of others rather than really exploring what felt right for me.
Now I realize there is nothing to prove to anyone. I make myself proud and support my ideas and endeavors because I deserve to live a simple and calm life. I’m not ‘shirking responsibility’ just because I do not choose workaholism, drama and codependency.
Living with sick people is difficult. Living in a sick society that enables sick people is difficult. I appreciate this content on this channel. Things are changing 🕊 Thanks again. 🙏
Im an artist too. You just gave me some insight. Thanks.
Well said!
Greetings from a fellow artist. I feel you.
Art was Not Allowed, except for Useful Music because Father Wished He Had Been In The Band, Horn Section, plus organ because Mother Wished She Had Played Organ.
Consequently, I loathe music. But as an adult, I did learn to paint--quite beautifully, actually, and quite well enough to sell my work. That's not bad for somebody who "has no sense of color or perspective" "can't draw" and "even your coloring was terrible."
My job is in Quality Control and I do love it and I'm exceptionally good at it. At night, every night, I paint. And I'm exceptionally good at it. Neither were anything my parents ever wanted me to do or be.
Wow, this is/was my situation as well. Thank you so much for saying this. That really helps to hear I'm not alone in this one. Thank you!
Thought I was losing my grip so many times. Seeing how narcissist think is so powerful, you regain your sense of reality and your power.
I never regained “my power.” I don’t even know what that is. My dad is dead now but mother still alive. Last year I looked up public records for her area hoping to find out she was dead. Apparently still alive in her 80s. The world would feel a little safet to me if she was dead. But younger brother is very dangerous too. To be safer I moved to another country overseas for a long time & changed my name. I will never contact either of them. My brother will have to die alone.
@@rs5570Believe me, they just drag on .. and on .. and on .. probably just to show you how powerful they are.
Thanks so much Dr Reid. As always you have validated my inner reality and reminded me that other people share this experience. The notion that recovery is possible is still something I struggle to fully believe. Your assertion that there is a clear path to recovery is helping me.
I also feel like there is no way to a full recovery for me, especially at my age..
I encourage you to keep walking on the healing path. Down the track good things can happen. We might not see them coming but they can still happen.
I was just thinking about this last night. I get stuck in this so often. Maybe this is all just me blowing things out of proportion? Maybe there's something deeply wrong with me? It's been years since I've moved away from home and I've seen a few therapists over my life that all basically say the same thing, and it's still so hard to concretely believe there was something wrong with my parents.
I was constantly invalidated growing up. 'You're not crying, those are crocodile tears,' "you're too sensitive, we can't say anything to you,' 'you're just doing that for attention, you don't really care about such and such,' 'you're just sucking up to so and so, you don't really care,' 'you're not going to be able to go for that career because you're lazy,' 'you're not going to be able to have a relationship because no man will put up with you,' etc. etc. Even after writing these things I still wonder, maybe everyone's family says these types of things? Maybe there's some truth in them?
I think gaining distance has helped so much. I wouldn't have had a chance if I hadn't moved away from my family. But I still totally find people that seem to take on my family's judgement of my perceptions and throw me right back in the struggle. Believing myself has been the hardest part.
No, normal healthy families, no matter how scruffy or marginalized, do not talk to their children this way! They actually want them to grow up and have healthy relationships with others.
This is verbal slaughter. No love /nurture !! You shouldn’t have gone through that.
trust you are 100% right. do not doubt yourself. EVER.
Me too I struggle to believe myself
@@bushra4183 it takes time and effort to change one's way of thinking, but it can be done. Always remember.. you are enough, you always were :)
This describes my biological mother, my biological father, my younger sister, my ex narcissistic therapist.
All of them did this thing of "doublethinking". My therapist wanted my to believe that I was defecting. She said that I am still stuck in childhood. Then she abused me, blamed me for the abuse, gaslit me to believe that I was the problem.
At that point, I realized that if I say anything about what happened in my childhood, she would say that I was stuck in childhood and would invalidate my pain.
She made fun of the fact that I was crying a lot in my first 2 sessions. She showed me no empathy, or any compassion.
At that time I believed that I may in fact be the narcissist, she played on that too.
The next session, after abusing me and making me feel like I was so defective and I felt shame, she started saying that I was actually a kind person.
Then I realized that she is in fact trying to control me.
Therapists I've been to are mostly poorly trained or just like jerking you around . I was speechless once when I told a therapist my earliest conscious memory of my mother was her raging and threatening me at 5 yrs old . Therapist says . 'what did you do to make her act like that ?' I was 5 - I wasn't responsible for my mother's actions .This was something my own narc mother tried to always lay on me . I was hurt , angry and disgusted by this therapist and won't go to another . We end up having to protect ourselves from abuse at every turn it seems .
@@RobertCF428 YT content helped me so far.
I am still hopeful to find a competent and compatible therapist.
So sorry you had a therapist like this! I've had two bad experiences with therapists, but not an abusive and manipulative experience. I did have an abusive divorce lawyer. She shamed me and took my ex's side I had to find a new lawyer. It's amazing that the people that are supposed to support and help us, can do more damage to us.
So the therapist told you that you are a narc and then you turned it around on her, and now you are the victim, again? Lmao 😂😂😂
Classic narc behavior...
@@FuckDatNiggaMichael this is actually not funny.
Yeah, my Mother said, "You Just have Fair Weather Friends." with a voice dripping with contempt. She would dump on the best part of me.
In adult life I was a magnet for selfish abusive female friends. Always doubting myself, with no self advocacy, or confidence.
Omg, yes my mom was the same. She never liked any of my friends. She always had this attitude like they must be hanging out with me out of pity and that none of them really cared about me. That's how she felt about me. Ironically, when I was friends with girls that were snarky, mean-spirited, and the real fair weather friends, she was their biggest fan and couldn't understand why I didn't want to hang out with them more lol.
Damn this is real.
I used to get, they're not real friends they just feel sorry for you. This was because my golden child sister didn't have friends, she had no idea how to be nice to anybody.
Me too everything was critzisized, so also my friends when i was à small girl, till my teens. Am now 49 years old and on healing journey, i have a lovely family but little friends always doubting myself. Love and courage from France
@@katieg7679oh my god, same here
Oh boy, I have said this to myself all my life that I must be making it up or it was all my fault. I am 59 1/2 and have asked this since my first nervous breakdown at 19. I kept attracting these narcissists my whole life. The gaslighting and rewriting history was horrible. I am sick of their agenda. The chief narcissist my adopted mom died 5 years ago. Her daughter has taken over. She has turned my daughter against me. She is just like her mom. I have no contact. Then she sends a Christmas card. She stole tons of money from me too.
So sorry to hear that. Empaths are actively hunted down by narcissists in order to ruin them. Are lives aren't easy but we can support each other here and focus on what's ok in life.
I recently learned that cards are real and genuine to other people. Somebody at work got Covid and went to the hospital and people sent cards. I did not send a card. Why? Because they feel fake to me. I realized that all the narcs I my life send cards like there’s nothing wrong and that’s how I learned that cards are fake. So this woman returned to work and I had communicated my best wishes through her brother and now I think she’s wondering why I didn’t send a card. So even when I try to be normal, I can’t.
Why let them have your address? None of them get my address or location nor do any extended family or ANYONE any of them know. Radio silence. I don’t exist. If ANY of them have my location they will make it their full time job to ruin what life I have. My mother would love to kill my dog to hurt me. The anger because I walked out of their sick cult is the biggest danger I face. Maybe you’re luckier than me. I hope so.
That’s just fine. You don’t owe anybody a card for anything ever.
I have a half sister who would do the same if I had children... and her & her mother would steal everything I have to destroy my hope & happiness. They literally want to destroy us. Literally...
This man knows his stuff. He has broad understanding of the tactics of abuse & the effects on a victim of these tactics. i know people shame the word "victim". But it is an accurate word for the effects on the scapegoat/victim who then becomes the survivor. Yes, it really was that bad. People who weren't there behind closed doors, or listening closely will find it hard to understand. Some people will tell you that it wasn't that bad. These people deny your reality. Like what happens/happened with the abuser. It is necessary to limit what you share with many, as you may be further blamed & shamed for "playing the victim". Invisible wounding is very real. It is the reason many shun others, or give up, or harm or end their own lives. it can also cause violence in the wounded person's behaviour toward others. Until more mebtal health professionals acknowledge the harm of this invisible abuse, they will continue to be less helpful to people than they could be.
My transient Narcissist mother said after I told her of the abuse i had suffered as a child, and indeed tried numerous times to seek help from her when I was a child that I need to "Stop fantasising about being abused" I was stunned and completely blown over. Ive cut them out again and permanently now. Well, until the court case...
The pseudo-identity I got was being crazy. Literally told over and over that I was sick.
Thank you so much for this! It's also especially hard when the scapegoat is target by so many people. Majority does not always rule.
Amazing how somebody gets off on hurting their own child.
Yes!!!
Just today!
Everyday!
When i go see mother
"All criticism is self criticism. Dig yourself." - Stokely Carmichael
So weird that this video is released today. I am so tired of holding a boundary (with my parents) that I woke up this morning thinking ''was I actually too sensitive?'' which is exactly what they've been projecting on to me. Is my boundary too weak? Were they right all along? Or have I just relegated my parents' opinion of me to being less important. I used to need their approval. Maybe I can finally live with their 2 d not a real person low opinion of me now.
Live with, or flat out reject those opinions based on a skewed projective narrative. There shouldn't be such a thing as too sensitive. If someone's feelings are hurt by others' words, they shouldn't be invalidated. An honest conversation would clear things up. But we won't find that with these types.
For me, there is some level of wanting myself to be the problem, and I think others can relate. We want to be the problem because then we can change, and our experience isn't as horrific as the truth. The reality is we can't have a relationship with people who aren't interested in knowing you. I'm focusing on finding things that give me joy and trying new things; peeling back the layers of self I tried to force into being what they want. It's working, and I'm moving on.
@@pelletier4432
@z1z2z3z z1z2z3z because if I am the problem, then I can fix it....whatever "it" is. It gave me a sense of control to think I actually was the problem.
@@melissapeterson7550 Yea until you look back and you have tried 99 fixes to yourself and you are still lower than dirt to them.
Thank you so much. I can identify with the example of " Shannon" in this comforting, validating video. This is exactly what I went through with mean mom & sis. I watched them behave like "mean girls" when dealing with people ( salespeople, acquaintances, family ) They bullied me, & tried to imitate me on the other hand. I was just happy with life & positive before they came at me full force with their darkness and misery. My mom considered my entitled arrogant sister who acted like her, as the " good one". I was more like my dad who always had a smile for everyone. Thank you for these videos. They hit home for each kid who had to deal with these bullies who are supposed to be your family.
This is such an amazing comparison. I remember reading that as a teen as well and funny enough that is the one concept that really stood out to me. I remember thinking wow this is so insidious and it brought up a real sence of rage in me. And I didn"t even realize (or maybe I did on some level ) that I was undergoing that in my own family system. Ive also always seen a extremely clear parallel with psychopathology/ narcissism and dictators or any other abusive ruler.
My Golden Child brother recently started spreading a story that actually he was the abused victim of our family in the childhood, who healed himself. First time I heard him saying something negative about narc parent.
I guess, after I went no contact, he received some of the toxicity which usually I got. He is not accustomed to any of it, so his new "victim to hero" story is an excuse to stop care after narc parent.
Interesting. When I stood firm in my own interpretation of events, my golden child brother (who insisted he was objective) was so aggressively insistent that I just buckle under and see everything through Mum's lens. All I did was stay firm in my own interpretation of events but he was getting very upset by that.
@@SusanaXpeace2u similarly not long time ago my brother said _"you're living surrounded by people who do not know you, so you think that you are cool, but I know you from childhood and I can see that it is very bad with you"_ This was his reply to my refusal to go back to the family system/role.
I Can see how this Could happen..and Truthfully The Golden is Also Not In a "Healthy" Relationship Either..I was BioDad's Goldend, I was Bio MoMs Scapegoat...My Middle Bro(only true friend at the time)Was Despised by my Dad seemingly the More I tried to Stand up for him the More Our Dad Didn't Like Him...but Mom Loved him to Pieces he Made Her Laugh as She Too Was Being Abused...hated me Alot...Our Youngest Bro was Treated Like an Extra Bag of Luggage we taught him to stay small to Avoid the Abuse, but he was Only 12 when I went to Boot Camp and then He Got Yanked into my Role, still have the Letters of Confussion he wrote to me, trying to Act tough tough though, saying he "Didnt" Miss Me But He wished I was There♡
In a Way it was Extra Terrible to Fight off 2 Mobs all Day Everyday...in another way I Feel that is the Only Reason my Brothers and I could Maintain a Strong Love and Vigilancia for each other..
I have More Hope, and I feel Safer the More I'm Able to Sort thru thru the Reality, and without the Loss of some Real GemStones 💎 in my Memory Banks.
Focus on your own Medical Well Being,
This Part Easier Said than Done "Knowing" You cant Help to Lift another if you are still in an Highly injured State Yourself.
I'm so Gracious to see so Many Moving thru thier Grief. Keep journaling Your Reality allowing yourself to see you growimg each time you Work Thru a Diffrent Limbic State.
Learn and Practice Healthier ways to Repurpose that Inner Critic, and the temporary feelings of being Paralyzed(Helpless/Hopeless) and Working with Your Therapist to Help See the Bigger Picture "Butterfly" effects.
It's less uncomfortable than living out of Alignment with Your Principles and Value.♡♡♡
@@fairygurl9269 yes so valuable
Interesting. I was the scapegoat and my sister was the golden children. But her and I get along great. And she finally sees them for what they are as they are treating her teenage kids the way they treated me and she is like WTF is this?? Her eyes have been opened, and she is able to tell them what’s what (not that it makes a difference) but I am wholly terrified of them.
Another great video as always which really validates people who have gone through narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic parents are injured when they have a child that knows their core self which is nothing like them and usually it is the child who is naturally genuine, loving, kind, authentic and compassionate by nature.
The use of words like “being fake” or statements like “I know the real you” is always said to question and demean your entire reality and gaslight your sense of self because the narcissist has no sense of self except for pain that they have hidden from childhood and into adulthood that identity is then based on breaking others even their own children to create supply for their own lost and broken selves instead of fixing themselves. More narcissistic injury is also caused when you have friends outside of them because it is a threat to their own control over you since healthy people will allow you to see any toxicity including theirs so this is when they will call you fake because they are not able to have genuine friendships in their lives.
The best way to recover from this is to deprogram yourself and not allow the narcissist to define you in any way. Do not defend yourself in anything they say because it is reinforcing who they accuse you of and mostly do not even explain or engage in their antics so the best would be to be emotionally dead when it comes to these type of people and the best is to of course eliminate them from yo life where possible to focus on healing your inner self.
I really loved and appreciated your comment, wanted you to know.
The question that I mostly ask myself is..
AM I REALLY PART OF THIS FAMILY OR AN ADOPTED CHILD 🧐😔😞
The timing of these is getting scarily accurate 😳
Don’t even try.to explain this to anyone
In frustration and a need for validation .
No .I cant even figure it out.
True as it is but hard to wrap ny head around
Thank you
ua-cam.com/video/lUfNvswN7CE/v-deo.html
A good way to start trusting ones own perspective is probably join support groups for survivors of childhood abuse. I was sober from alcohol and still having a lot of cptsd symptoms that where quite debiliating, lack of boundaries was one of the main ones because i was the scapegoat as well and my perspective was constantly invalidated although i knew the narc parent was delusional i kind of had to comply like it was explained to stop the rage attacks. I found a "mentor" figure in these support groups that encouraged me to start setting boundaries in a job I was in. I was sober but people picked on me still, since i attached to many people still in my family role of the scapegoat because i had the trauma and the feeling of inadecuacy and the trauma in my body. Long story short i had done enough trying and being around healthy neough people that spoke about the need for them to set boundaries , specially this mentor, that I started setting my own boundaries and protesting unfair treatment in the job i was in which was in construction so this is already rough around the edges job. Since the bullying didnt stop i left the job walked out of it one day, and felt an internal happiness, self love and self-respect that i hadn't felt be4. I felt like i was honoring my inner childs perspective and feelings , over people that where clearly abusive and didnt have my best interest. I felt happiness and a strength and commitment, i awakend my healthy anger that day, and have built on that muscle or resource or instinct of self protection since then. I dont have to abandon myself anymore. My healthy anger is online, and im connected to my perspective of my inner child, or gut.
Well put. Your inner child is you now!
@@howto-wiki8291 i fully got his back and am his voice now i promised this to him and to take care of him as best as i can and i enjoy earning his trust and honoring our agreement to be his voice, and also take care of him :)!
@@franciscoguevara9727 thank you! I am him. I repeat your words! We were always right!
@@howto-wiki8291 yes we were right to say it was crazy and abusive and toxic behaviour when we were children and so unfair.... and it was about the narcisistic parent issues with themselves and not about us! Happy to be in healing for 3 years now and standing in my worth and value and dignity and authenticity with selfrespect :)!!!!!!
@@franciscoguevara9727 even if our way of saying it was lashing out . Our inner child will be heard and catered to for now on. Remember it’s about their insecurity’s , that they wanted to share with you, to make them your insecurity’s
As we get older and more experience, some of us eventually figure that no relationship is better than a dysfunctional relationship.
My mother said the strangest thing when she was in hospital. She said when she looked in the mirror she couldn't see her reflection. There was nobody there. This was during the pandemic when no family was allowed to visit
We accepted our giants world view which was one that said we are worthless and only the giants know truth. Until we find a new world view andstrengthen our allegiance to the new view are we able to step back and see the giants and twisted, dark, hateful, pathetic parents, teachers, etc.
This is the most precise articulation of narcissistic abuse I have ever heard.
Everything has subtext in narcissistic systems. Your reference to Orwell's 1984 is on point. "The party (narcissist) told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command."
Dr Reid touches on an issue here that I’ve had with my family. I’ve come a very long way from having a compulsive need to hurt and destroy myself, self-negation being a feature of CPTSD.
The crazy thing is the insistence on telling me what I do and do not remember, and on my motivations for my actions. My mother did the latter when we talked about why I started smoking. I told her I started really smoking when working graveyard shift at a nursing home, as a way to stay awake. She insisted I started because I thought it would look cool. No.
But I understand why she thought that. I remember her telling me once that she got a soft drink, rare back in the Depression, and walked around in the front yard, so everyone would see it. I don’t think that way, at all. Not caring what other people think became a survival skill for me long ago. Now that was a trait in me that she really did not like.
It’s all the “D” words. Dismissed. Discounted. Disrespected. Devalued. Disparaged. Denied. And more.
Their tactics usually have that plausible deniability factor. That's the thing, that ability to know what and when, and how, to getcha, that shows a sharp predatory instinct imho
I am hated because I am truth...... Like the saying goes people hate the truth.......
Thank you.
I feel this way again. You start to doubt yourself. Even if you see things for where they are. Then that someone else says that what you see is not true. Disgusting when it happens. You get totally lost. in the head.
I am the scapegoat in the family and I am over 70 now. They have never changed the way they disrespect me every time we have been together. I removed them from my life and the peace and joy flooded back into my life. In the past they invited me to the party so I could see them ignoring me. They wanted me there to see them having friends and show me I was excluded from their circle. It wasn't until I became a Christian that God showed me their rude and mean mentality. I was then free to move on to others outside the family. My family are those who love Christ and act like they love others.
Thank you for your comment. I am 70 myself and as it was doublespeak and her reality all my life after therapy I found my true authentic self. I went no contact this year. But she was living in our condo as a renter despite our subsidizing her for 30 yrs since dad died. This doesn’t get better as they age. My mother is 91 and she decided it was time to quit pay rent and live on us rent free and that she deserved to squat in our real estate with the intention to die there. She refused home assistance and is in dementia but the covert narc behaviors are her survival and deeply entrenched while she has also lost her ability for social masking. She made illegal false accusations against us to authorities as easy as having a cup of tea. She has refused any freedom of thought and discussion my entire life so there was no resolution. We had to get two lawyers versed in elder law and she refused all independent assistance by social workers, home health care etc she is 91 and unable to live alone and our condo and community were at risk. She left us no choice but to have her evicted, then an independent fiduciary could take her to a care facility that she needs. I have walked away from her and her family for good. The entire little group remaining are a closed system of abuse and exploitation. They helped her. These people I grew up with. They all live on other peoples money! I did the best and legal thing ultimately and now I am done. My husband and I are 70 and it’s time we heal and move forward with our lives.
Thank you for this video. I have asked this question all my life. My Narc family says “You need us!” That was when I confronted my Dad to break the financial control that I am still under.
The Narc family runs like a religious cult. I went through counseling at a church and the pastor announced in front of the entire congregation “How does it feel to be normal?” As in their counseling “healed” me. It did not. I left that church only to go back years later. Left again because of Narc predator that was grooming me that church would not remove. I’ve been scapegoated in work situations with a jealous manager who asked me why I did not get a “real” job? At the time my job was part-time and temporary. I got a management position somewhere else and right before I left this person stopped speaking to me.
The unfortunate scapegoat pattern has continued. I recognize the toxic people put their Shame on me. My toxic parents “need” me for their narcissistic supply. It is interesting to see how when we exercise our independent thinking, it feels foreign to us because we have been engaged in their double think for so long. I’ve been no contact 12 months from my family. I’m ready to restore credibility in myself and live my life. The next step is how to stop self-sabotage, and when I do take that next positive step , to stop procrastinating when trying again.
Any videos on that?
You are the best thing that has hit the Internet yet. Now I understand why I thought I was in charge of my mother's happiness
I appreciate that
I could see how that could happen..I guess I was lucky ..there were too many witnesses who spoke up.
They DID ask me how I could stand the BS and the mocking names I was called ..like "the Genius" "the Sage" "Sarah Bernhardt" "Cinderella"...
I had been tested with a very high IQ...I was always on the honor roll..I made very high grades...won French and art awards.
played first flute...SOOOOOOOOO I had to be mocked for achievements that normal families would celebrate.
I thank God..kept a photo they took of me scrubbing the floor on Friday night...( which I did as I finished up after shopping cooking washing, etc.) They would stand over me and laugh.."OH CINDERELLA...THE PRINCE JUST CALLED ..HE CAN'T WAIT...SO YOU ARE NOT GOING TO THE BALL"...Their repetative joke...but one Friday they snapped a photo...I almost threw it away..but I decided to keep it...
OMG, this is the same sort of mind f*** my narcissist father laid on me! He wasn't running a family, he was running a cult, with himself as leader! My mother and sibling hung on his every word, while I was the scapegoat. Unfortunately though, I internalized the low self-esteem he inculcated in me. I really appreciate your deprogramming, and will watch more of your videos.
I'm an older survivor, so I had neurodivergent issues (auditory & visual-processing delays) that were undiagnosable until I was at least 25 years old, & weren't diagnosed in me till past the age of 40. How it played out in my scapegoat life was that I was always accused of disobedience by both parents & teachers from not listening (to directives yelled at me), daydreaming, or simply being "stupid" (when my processing issues got in the way). I didn't realize how severely debilitating the effects were until trying to talk with my son on something we disagreed upon about 14 months ago, & I felt the same dynamics (he came to see me ostensibly for my birthday, but ended up unfavorably comparing me to his fiancee, telling me I was 'weak,' & that my [trauma-informed therapy] was my therapist being paid to "spare my feelings." I have had to emotionally disconnect myself from his opinion of me. He has learned to see me as lesser & a servant due to my lifelong universal scapegoat status. Although his life is on all fronts better than mine in terms of personal successes, I think he blames my 'weakness' for our poverty growing up. I'm at the point of being ready to cut ties with him, because I refuse to be his scapegoat: & I think he has become a covert narc with me as his only prey, because part of the fallout for me is that I've been diagnosed with CPTSD-induced bipolar 1 disorder for the past 19 years. My MH provider at the time didn't offer family therapy, though I requested it several times. I think this put the nail in the coffin as to his opinion of me...& instead of chasing after his love anymore, I've decided to dedicate the rest of my life to changing the way people raise & educate their children. With other members of my scapegoat support groups, I want to create an anthology collage of images, poems, narratives, (& if online as a slideshow), original music & dance pieces, to shine a light upon our experiences. It wasn't quite 6 years ago that I finally learned of my true nature as an empath & not just a scapegoat, & I was already 58. I have no grandchildren or other family commitments to hold me back, & I've already let my son know that I'm working on my legacy. He can see the anthology once it's either published or available online...after which, I want to write my own story.
He'll either get it or he won't. I can't afford to care about his opinion of me anymore, since he refuses to try & understand my mental health issues, & he doesn't know the full story. All the more reason to get our story out there: I really have nothing else to lose
Yes. You honestly think you are insane. Let alone the fact that nobody else thinks all this could happen to one person.
Nobody chooses to believe, is what I think! BESIDES they may be of the same pattern of thinking OR just do not want to deal with it! Ya know? They are PICKING DAISEYS in a rainbow garden, Pollyanna's!
This is what I needed to hear today. Trying to get my feelings acknowledged in my house, or even just getting a genuine reflection of myself mirrored back to me, was nearly impossible. I felt crazy, like what I was experiencing was all made up in my head since everyone else around me seemed to believe that I was the problem, the instigator and the abuser. Going low contact had my family in shock and enraged, they "had no idea" why I did this. I had my doubts for a while that what I experienced and went through was as painful and horrible as I remembered it. Though I'm not proud of the self-harm I did to cope, it's a very physical and real reminder that what I endured was as bad as I remember it. I just have to accept and never forget that them denying my experiences and refusing to accept responsibility is not my fault, but something they do to avoid feeling bad about themselves.
Thank you for providing this content to us :)
The example of double think is perfect, and I never thought of it that way before. Not least because it gives hope that our own judgement of ourselves and our motives is still there, still safe and waiting to be rediscovered. We just need to, as you say, get out of the habit instilled in us by the narcissistic parent, and while this may be incremental rather than sudden, with perseverance it will come.
Thank you so much for giving us this revelation and I hope you will have a pleasant and peaceful sunday.
Why is it that the more I keep listening to you explain why the abuse was not my fault, the more it makes the critical mother's "voice" in my mind louder, saying how worthless I am? (I don't mean her literal voice, just more akin to a powerful intrusive thought)
Just 'wow' on the topic of 'Double-Think'. Your example of 'Shannon' and her interest in Habitat For Humanity was so resonant. It feels like the reason I rarely did the things I was drawn to like joining the Peace Corp or going to college.
I recently started going to therapy and my therapist says I was the scapegoat but idk. Me and my mom would fight all the time when I was 12/13. I was being bullied at school and I had undiagnosed adhd and I started acting out a lot. I'd get so angry at myself and then me and my mom would yell at each other but I think I was the abusive one. I would name call and say I hated her and I'd hit her to get her away from me. But my therapist keeps saying that my parents failed to meet my needs and I feel that too because I was really struggling at the time and they didn't offer adequate support but I was also such a mean person I feel bad blaming them for not meeting my needs because it was my fault for being a difficult child so I made it harder for them to care for me
Being a scapegoated child set oneself up to be taken advantage of later in life. The information in this video also applies to people who take you for granted, i.e. non-safe people in one's life.
Spot on. My mother would call me light of the street and darkness at home. Sick.
thank you Jay, it is totally possible to recover from narcissistic abuse. It does take time and happen slowly just like you say. For me it took approximately two years of quite intensive introspection and work
Utterly brilliant description of doublethink. What a deadly pen Orwell had
This is a very interesting and powerful video. I recognise my myself in there. You are constantly told you are "useless" and "hopeless" and finally you grow up believing it. As a little girl, I won a church painting competition. I remember I painted rabbits surrounded by trees in a wood. It was a child's painting, but it won 1st prize (a book) and I remember the shame I felt when my mother said to one of the judges "well, I don't think it deserves to win first prize". I also remember when I first began to work in a uni lib. and bought my mother a bunch of red tulips (her favourites) and she screamed at me and was really angry. I remember feeling hurt and useless. My mother, sadly, passed in 2010, but I still feel the pain. These videos are so helpful in my desire to heal - thank you. Hopefully, I and many others watching these videos, will keep progressing along the healing process.
Thank you for this video. The struggle is real and knowing I’m not alone in having doubts of what I experienced is helpful. Sometimes I have to re-read my journal to remind me of what’s been going on my entire life in my FOO.
I've never heard this term double think before. Putting distance between yourself and the parent alone doesn't make it better. Yikes. This explains a lot!
It has caused me to believe others know me better than I know myself.
So glad I found your channel. Really appreciate your videos! Thank you, Jay! So refreshing to feel understood and to be learning more about what I experienced.
This is scary. How did you know? I ask myself that all the time.
YES to the title of your video!! Also add:
Am I overreacting?
And here’s the the big one I’ve asked my therapist many times:
Am I really the narcissist?
Luckily she’s assured me I’m not. Whew!
I blamed myself for everything a six family did even when I wasn't involved I took the hit, I thought I would deal with it better as I am stronger than them .. but then it caused my immune system and sympathetic nervous systems to shut down! Nearly killed me I got out at the last minute and still 18 months recovering a piece at a time!
This was a very helpful video for me ,thank you Jay. Greetings from Spain!
If ever i bring up an unpleasant memory, I am told, "You must have grown up in some parallel universe."
I was told so often that i "have to be the bigger person," or that i had to make unlimited sacrifices for the golden child because, "she's the youngest," that it has taken decades to see it as not only unfair, but as actual abuse. And there was always some excuse or rationalization as to why it had to be that way, so that it would sometimes sound reasonable, until you strung it all together and realize that it was in G.C.'s favor Every. Single. Time. without fail, even in cases where i had earned something.
My parents say often they’re not like that parents who beat kids. They never beat me but they did horrible things and gaslighted me. They talk about how family is most important and they abused me in many ways. They were mad because I asked for help. They have crazy conspiracy theories.
Its so hard to shake, I feel subhuman . Especially if it was ingrained in early childhood, the people around, and if authorities were used, and even your lover.. I don't think Ill ever be good enough... but wait, that was his words. But it feels all so real. What I have to say is 'crazy' and 'I believe my own lies' says a judge coerced by the other parties top barrister. Everyone believes judges so he must be correct. But I know what I saw when the abuse happened, and in my fear and trauma I was trying my best to say the truth... but somehow being unprepared cross questioned when trying to recall I was called a lier... the amount of undercover abuse I went through that 'cult' group did to me and stalking us... but no, nobody seems to believe, I even had to 'prove myself' what I already saw happening just to save my own sanity but still struggled because everyone around was forcing me to doubt.
Every video I watch by Jay brings me to a healthier place. The doublethink analogy is spot on. Very much appreciated!
My brother the alcoholic golden child called to my house in the early hours of the morning drunk, aggressive as per usual to me his sister and my hubby many years ago now, I had a ten month old baby at the time. We where woken by stones thrown at the windows and abusive shouting to let him in our home. My husband opened the upstairs window and shouted down to him “go home” he lived with my parents. He wouldn’t go and shouted back, “my mother will hear about this!”……I stupidity let him in, I was only 22 at the time. He barged passed me into my kitchen/Dining room and demanded cigarettes etc from me I said no, so he put his foot through my small fish tank and it smashed all over the floor with the fish flying everywhere. He then got a shard of glass and pushed me into the wall and pushed the glass to my throat and demanded cigarettes….my hubby ran down the stairs and pushed hi. Out of the way and subsequently gave him a blackened eye and threw him out of our home. Next day mother and father turned up at our home and our son, her and my fathers grandson was sitting in his high chair, she pointed to him and said to myself and my hubby “that is your baby isn’t it?”, she went on to say, “well he (my brother) is my baby”……I was so shocked she took his side after all the trouble he caused and still does 34 years later!……Mother still gives me the silent treatment and my 53 year old over privileged brother golden child still lives with her our father long deceased, i keep going back and apologising to keep the peace. I keep thinking it’s me, I’m the narcissist. it’s my fault, I don’t matter😢
Run guys! It takes along time to recover start today stop feeling guilty
Congratulations on your growing number of subscribers, Jay! I'm happy to see more people are finding your channel.
I noticed that also. It's so great to see that!
Thanks again Jay!
George Orwell was describing narcissistic relationships.
Does anyone else feel like they are not a person? I have never felt like one, I was a thing.
Jay, I've watched a handful of your videos now, and this is one of my favorites so far. I am deep in the throes of moving through this toxic everything, and the insight and examples you provided here are extremely relevant, validating and powerful. Thank you so much for what you do and for how much work and focus you put into these videos.
Also, you deserve WAY more views and likes than you have! I hope more and more people seeking this information find your channel at some point.
This is my pain. I do remember instances of feeling abused, and I’m pretty certain my father was a narcissist, but I can’t remember many specific incidences, and I often feel that the suffering and mental damage I have incurred is disproportionately larger than the level of abuse I faced. All I remember is how I felt.
I know I felt deeply ashamed, guilty, sinful, defective, scared and all of those things. And I know that the pain and suffering I’ve experienced as an adult is immeasurable. And I truly mean immeasurable. From social anxiety, to obsessive thinking, to hyper vigilance, fawning after manipulative people, feeling inherently deeply disgusting and just every negative thing under the sun.
But whenever I try to remember specific examples of abuse, I come up short, and that makes me feel like I’m making the whole thing up. I also have examples of times he put in tremendous effort on my behalf, although I always felt that this was because he just saw me as an extension of himself.
I have no one to validate what I feel. It doesn’t help that my enabler mother tells me how great and caring my father was and that it wasn’t that bad. At this point I even doubt whether she is actually an enabler, or if I’m really making everything up.
I just know that I feel broken beyond repair and have done so all my life.
I want to cut them off because I have this intuitive sense that I was done wrong by. I do know many wrong things were done too, but it doesn’t seem like I should have taken on that badly.
What should I think and what should I do, I don’t know. I want to cut them off, at the same time, it seems like a crazy thing to do, and it seems like they weren’t that bad and I’m just being my usual evil self and having problems with everyone..
Thank you so much! This is one of my hardest hurdles is making myself believe I’m not over dramatizing, I’m being too sensitive or making things up. I battle this every day.
I just bought your book. I don't know how or why, but I'm thankful you came into my feed. Listening to you gave me the courage to block my parents and go no contact yesterday. I've been crying SO much. I'm afraid, I'm trembling, but in my 39 years of life, something big clicked from listening to you. Narcissistic parents are DANGEROUS and they did so much damage that I don't know if I'll ever be whole. But I can't take the abuse anymore.
Wow Jay, the double think perspective is certainly great for understanding why guilt is the never ending visitor to scapegoat survivors. Thank you for this perspective!
Withholding validation is the narc mother’s speciality.
Im dying from the inside out due to the abuse I just want out but nobody is helping me I’m too weak after all the years of abuse
Your videos are super helpful. I would immediately sign up for therapy with you; such a shame that you only take clients from California! But please, please keep posting. I would love a video on the inner critic and practical steps how to finally be able to diminish that constant self-hate.
Great video, thanks again for another one.