So very true! I'm going through my husband having an affair right now. He's living with his mistress in another state and has been for the last 3 months. He told me he wanted to separate at the end of July and started an immediate relationship with his mistress by mid August. My husband is absolutely ridiculous in thinking he's not having an affair. He considers it just moving on like we're not in a marriage. I told him I'm not his girlfriend, I'm his wife. It just doesn't work that way. Now he's not 100% he wants a divorce. I think the grass wasn't greener on the other side because it's fake grass and the color is starting to run and fade. Nah, I'm good.
@user-eq4il1jy6c How much more of yourself would you want to give to a person like that? Be grateful they were removed from your life when you didn’t have the wherewithal to do the removing yourself.
You probably have experienced betrayal. Because only someone who has can truly understand that. Not many do. I have and after almost 20 years don’t feel hate against that person or anything, but the humiliation was so deep that I can’t get over it. The thought of it catches me off guard sometimes.
I feel like an empty shell of my former self and I don’t see a path towards transformation. I’ve lost all motivation and enthusiasm for life itself. This is the trauma that’s invisible to the rest of society. No one really understands the pain of a betrayal, except for those of us who live with it.
Brother, I understand the pain as I’m sitting in my car, saying the same thing to Myself we understand it more than you seem to understand that we do. That’s the system, and that’s the system of destroying men. But we fight for things because we are men but then we lose the fight.
It depends whom... I did it many times, big mistake. 😏 Should've left them where they were, and me I should've moved on faster. And, at times, even if I did move they came rushing back, and got me all muddled up again. 😞
What about when you didn't know about his spouse that you still don't understand if it is at all true because he radiates from all forms of Narcissististic disorder and you don't know how many victims he has and how his spouse enables him
Not sure..ive seen plenty of relationship that this has happened and it's many times we do they csn overcome it. I use to think that and one of the most beautiful relationships I have seen came from a friend who's wife had betrayed him. He was going to leave - he isnt a guy who forgives but he did and they worked together and they became very close..
I didn’t cheat, but I did lie about a relapse and broke her trust. I lost her, deservedly but it was the shot to the heart I needed. Back to working out, eating good, working on the white lies that can do easily snow ball into big ones. The weird thing is I’d never been so honest with someone in a relationship, I told her everything. But the few times I relapsed, I’d want to lie out of shame and not disappoint her. Ironically it was the lie that disappointed her and drove her away. Trying to grow and change my bad habits one day at a time. Sorry to everyone who had their heart broken or trust shattered by a person like me. **Update for anyone curious: we’re back together and doing fantastic! Been clean since I posted this 8 months ago.
Its the lying that shattered her trust...Not your relapse...I hope she knows about how apologetic you are and I hope she will heal from this one day and learn to Trust without being scared.
Thank you for this I struggled with this with my ex and I stuck it out for 10 years helping him through his addiction where when he had a relapse he would lie to not disappoint me until he seemed better...... then he found a new addition and left me and our 3 year old little boy at the time to be with a woman that pretended to be my friend and watched her kids for her, her kids that now call my husband (we haven't divorced just yet) daddy.....after 10 years of non stop support being hurt and heart broken over and over again just to tell him it's alright we are all human and we make mistakes pick yourself up and keep going just to now have to say that to myself. Sucks putting so much effort into something for it to turn into nothing....(he literally will not speak to me) I'm so happy that you are better as a person who tried her hardest for someone like you thank you for being better 🖤
My husband of 15 years had a 3 year affair with a married coworker, and had a child that was a year old by the time her husband put two and two together, they passed the child off as his kid and he followed his gut instincts and got a OTC paternity test and it came back he was not the father and he knew immediately it was my now ex. The pain was AGONIZING.. I’m 10 years out post nuclear explosion as my life was incinerated and I lost everything.. I was literally married on Monday and Tuesday every thing was gone. My life, my marriage, my home, my job, my friends and our families were no where to be found not able to manage the heat of ground zero. 10 years later, that devastation drove me to work on deep childhood trauma and the pain of that marital catastrophe. My life is so different and the pain is being actively transmuted.. I would not order what happened to me off the menu but it was the fuckin meal I was served and I had to choke down every last goddamn bite… but my life is so different and for the better.
But oh no! We are supposed to open up and trust again right? NEVER! I don't care at this point whoever I meet though dating and they say they "love me" I'm not going to feel any of those words, my subconscious mind which I have to constantly defend is on alert all the time and I'm not letting anything in, never no matter how much doubt I have when people call me strange or out of place for not accepting this, I have to deal with this on my own terms and no amount of therapy will tell me otherwise! 😎
I find myself often doubting whether a fight (productive, but painful) is worth it or not, but I like this quote because he's right. If we don't resolve it then it'll happen again and even if we split it'll still happen again. These conflicts don't need to be resolved all at once, but they shouldn't be avoided for avoidance sake.
If a girl is already flirting with other dudes, I doubt that’s going to change when your back is turned. She is who she is. Any respectful partner wouldn’t do that to you.
Never allow someone to insult your intelligence by allowing them to imply that what you know to be true isn’t what it looks like. I can guarantee, if they were on the receiving end themselves of what you are not allowing, they wouldn’t give you half the chance to imply it isn’t what they think it is. 🤔
Very good! 👏 However, I think the crucial thing to understand is "what you know to be true" from their perspective at least, is still just your own (very accurate) intuition. But because they know you didn't see it with your own eyes, to them, it didn't happen.
The mind is any relationships worst enemy. The arrogance required to assume that you will always be absolutely correct in your observations leads me to believe you are naive so I will leave you with this. It is not an insult to your intelligence to have a conversation. It is not an insult to be led out of the darkness of ignorance and bias, closer to the light of the truth. Yes deception happens and it sucks. But for any relationship to last, risks are certainly necessary.
Remember we too are unforgivable but are forgiven if we repent and turn from sin. For me it the hardest test of my life. I've been through a lot and it is the hardest by far. It is always wrong, but if we do not forgive to a repenting spouse, we cannot be forgiven.
@Dylan Magdalin stwww did you write the Bible you cam forgive them and yourself and choose not to be in the relationship forgiveness does not mean staying
betrayed is worst feeling that someone have to go trough, you start questioning everything, you start to blame yourself your confidance is drop to the ground zero... need a big courage to give our partner second chance, to coup with all hurts caused by, needs hard work... but if you choose to forgive, take your time and do it slowly to heal your wound...❤ be brave, but if you decide to leave... remember, its not your fault, its never be... keep going, keep moving, don't look back, hope you find happiness.. ❤
If you’re at the point where taking them back feels good but you know it’s wrong-the temporary pleasure is delaying your real life and you’re getting older in the process
But what if they're not destroyed? What if they're pretty well put together, lull you into thinking they care about you while knowing about your accumulated damage, then pick the precise moment to shatter your world that will hurt you the most?
I did this trying to get back with my ex. She was still lying when we started talking again. Literally destoryed me. I became the bad guy. Dont stick around and entertain liars. I still blame myself and think i couldve done differently. Nothing can change a person who doesnt want accountability
The point is, ppl gotta be mature and able to explain, and talk about what they feel. If ppl pretend they are ok and instead they are bottling some resentment inside then there is only either argument or break up. It is sad.
Not true at all, many people can’t handle their feelings let alone others. People need to learn how to be INDIVIDUAL ADULTS before getting into a relationship. A relationship is something for people who have already done the work within , to many people think others can fix them or make it easier, that’s just putting a bandaid over a broken bone
@@DREWTHEEMPATH so you have started disagreeing with what I write and then proceeded to say exactly what i said. Mature = being adult. So much for being empath 🤣
I was in my early 20's when I first got married. The marriage was just over a week old when I can home from work and found out that my new husband and my mother had sex. I was the closest I have ever been to being completely empty and suicidal. But I am now in my 60's and feel more sorry for them. I am healthy, content and learned never to take anyone regardless of gender at face value.
@@papa19105 I never really had a close relationship with her. I found out a few years later that she was a Malignant Narcissist and a borderline Sociopath. I had to stay with her eight more months until I got on my feet , then I left abruptly. I didn't see her for 20 years. She had me tracked down. I figured she thought I needed her and she could resume control. However, she found out differently. She even tried to convince my daughter to move away with her to Hollywood. She even told her that she was her real mother and I was her older sister who stole her. My daughter was having none of it. She left my town after a week. I found out through other relatives that she died two years later. There were times in my life when I was alone I cried for my mother. Unfortunately that woman never existed.
@@zanac1868 Thank you for sharing. I had a mother like that... she would flirt w/any guy who shown any interested in me. That's too damned close to incest. I left... and have never gone back. I don't have children yet but having my precious cat is how I developed good mothering skills. Our pets really are our families... my mother was some psycho lunatic but that's her problem and I can't see mistreating any living thing. I don't. !! be glad for your qualities as a good and decent person. < ;)
I personally don't like the 3 strike rule, because it allows for time to lapse, creating an opportunity for the other person to "forget" or deny the event all together. For these reasons, I personally like to address the situation immediately (while it's still fresh), and if 3 strikes still occurs, then I'll re-evaluate the relationship.
@@SolomonSamms it sounds like a good idea. I didn't do that. I was so shocked by the affairs that i couldnt talk about it. And when it got to be too overwhelming I turned into a screaming thing towards him. He deserved everything I said but I sure wish I hadn't let it go so long. It changed me in ways that wasn't good for me and has taken me years to be even remotely close to the person I used to be. I really liked that person. I don't like me now. I've been told that I may never be that person again. A huge part of me is missing. That part that loves, is a healer. I still do those things but I don't feel it. I know this probably doesn't make sense, doesn't to me either. It's just how I see it. Sorry for the rant.
He said that at 1:43. He gave the example of addressing the flirting. It got address and it shouldn't be repeated. Now if it gets repeated and discussed 2 more times, then you're out.
@@leannmeddings4068 I understand exactly, went through it some years ago. Was so shocked, I fell over in pain. Then I let it rip and rip, lost 20 lbs, nightmares, endless ruminating, if only's, and so on. No more internal peace. My poor body. I became a different person overnight. Went from happy go lucky and adventurous to prickly, unsure, and defensive. It was like having an out-of-body experience (is called dis-associative behavior and ptsd). Things improved after some years, though had difficulty connecting to men again, would panic and unintentionally sabotage things to create a safe distance, I never used to do that.. sigh. I must say that the untold agony and *years* spent in "recovery" was gross insult to injury. Leave, if you must, but don't betray and deceive the one who has your back. I too miss the person I once was and will always resent him taking that away from me. Peace.
The one thing I cannot tolerate is a liar..my ex and my oldest son both lied to me..by omission..they only say what they want you to know..I believe its better to tell the truth than to lie..you don't have to REMEMBER the truth..and I can spot a lie a mile away
I love the way in this series that Lewis often smiles and gently shakes his head. Not in disbelief but in wonder at the wisdom and the new understanding offered by JP
"If it's not a lemon relationship, and the person is playing a straight game with you." No matter how much you desire truth or want to trust, you are standing on sand if the other person doesn't care. Dr. Peterson is so clear on the power of the "vow." Why would I unpack my vulnerabilities to someone who is not invested and can exit when waters get turbulent? I am inspired! I think the key words here happen to be, "a straight game." Most people like to know the rules before they engage in a game. 🤓
I’m a secure person and This is how I set boundaries : “ you are free to do as you will . You are free to interact with whomever you want . You are self responsible and accountable for your words and actions . And as long as you never deceive or betray me , and as long as you are always honest , truthful, trustworthy, respectful , fair and just , and treat me with decency and dignity , you’ll always have my dedication and commitment. “ I make that clear . If they cross the line in particular betrayal , regardless how much I may still love them , I’d leave just by principle . It has nothing to do with the betrayed but everything to do with the dishonest , untruthful , untrustworthy, disrespectful person that betrayed you. Learn your attachment style and why you bond the way you do in relationships. I always give my best but leave a small buffer zone just in case my expectations of a faithful partner is broken .
@@odenisaraujo Sure: you start a sentence with that phrase and then keep talking. Say the thing that you're imagining about the situation. This will reveal the basis for your feelings, get possible misconceptions on the table, and reveal what matters to you. The utility of the phrase is that it helps the other person keep in mind that this is your perspective and to not take things so personally that they fly off the handle.
No, I disagree. A few people you can trust. Unfortunately one can meet none of those people in his/her life so it is logical to assume that you can trust nobody.
If we love our marriage partner we value their feelings and don't flirt with other women or men. Many affairs are created when spouses cross the boundary and get tempted.
Staying in a bad marriage can lead to toxic relationships with the children. My mother stayed with my dad over 30 years because of the vow and she was toxic and abusive physically and verbally toward me. When my father died it took about a year and amazingly I saw a new mom that was fun and a pleasure to be around. She ended up being my best friend. There are consequences to being in a toxic relationship. I now have social as well as generalized anxiety because you can’t undo your past. I am now having issues with my husband but instead of taking it out on the kids I drink more. He packed his things today and I’m not sure if I want him back. Staying in a bad marriage does not benefit anyone except the abuser
I requested credit card statements.he threw them out and I had to dig them out of the garbage. Found out all those “work trips “were to the Caribbean with the girlfriend. Went a year back ; jewelry, intimate apparel purchases and even a car purchased for the girlfriend. He is asking me to take him back but who would benefit from this ? He finally admitted to prostitutes for the last 11 years of our 16 year marriage. Please be careful and think twice. I was far too trusting and learned the hard way. We are now divorcing.
Hope you're okay. It's also enabling them. I've left my partner so many times, but he decided he calls the shots so when I want space he won't leave and then he's not around when it matters. We actually broke up years ago but he's so controlling he doesn't let me live my life. I hope you got out and feel happier. I hope you're in a happy relationship, the type where you're not lying when you say things are great.
Yes he betrayed me . Deceived me. Was a master of deception. Groomed me. A nature wise women in her mid 50,s. He was centre of my world. Long story very short. Our bond caused me to have sense of youthfulness, wanted, desired..it validated me. He walked away and never looked back. But I was true, I was real, every word uttered from my mouth, every feeling was authentic in me. Im an empath..he is a narcissist. Our deceptive romance in fact saved my sanity through a challenging time. In my gut I felt the deception. But outwardly he was an amazing actor. Had me fooled.
I know someone similar a woman who got with a with a much younger man, I think she was going through something that made her feel like an old woman she was approaching 45 and a notion that her husband didn’t love her anymore , this guy supposedly had it all his own restaurant smart car, false confidence that some women who are emotionally retarded still go for the bad boy thing. The only thing was her husband still loved her even though they were going through a very difficult time, he still held onto the vow he made, she dropped it like it was nothing. Trust gone ,loyalty gone , respect gone, constant lies, do now it can’t be fixed because of that and the constant arguing over things that just really reallly don’t matter or where an effect of the outcome of what has happened, he doesn’t even know what is real and what is lies. The sad thing is now she has made sure of what she was afraid of
I've been dealing with a good friend that has recently lied in major ways to get ahead, and screwing me in the process. it is almost like the more they get away with it, the more bold they are about it, without ever admitting it
My boyfriend cheated on me for two years with his ex girlfriend. I forgave him, but will never forget. The waves of emotions I go through are torturous.
I’ve felt this way before, so I understand! No judgment. But in my experience, I eventually arrived at the conclusion that it was a cowardly excuse to avoid relationships (which make like worth living) because running from people meant that I did not have to trust MYSELF. When I chose a ‘bad’ partner, I saw the red flags, I felt the abuse, and yet I proceeded or stayed or returned or whatever. It’s myself I stopped trusting because I betrayed myself. It’s difficult to forgive that kind of betrayal. But it is possible. And very much worth it. Don’t give up. Love is real. And you are amazingly intuitive, fortunate, and way worth it, no matter what monsters f’d your head over in the past, with or without your permission.
Having been brought up by a narcissist and then married one I would like to say that I stuck to my marriage vow for 18 years and it was the dumbest thing I ever did. Some people are not able or willing to commit to truth and in that case give yourself permission to get out. As soon as you realise. Run and don’t stop till you are free to find your own truth. The ideal of the extended and stable family over decades is a fantasy IME. There are other ways to manage long term relationships as we evolve. If you are in the kind of relationship spoken about here you probably don’t need this kind of advice as you will have these things in place already.
What if they refuse to straighten it out… so that same fight continues over and over and over… because it never gets fully addressed? But they continue to stay with you. They just want to ignore it and forget about it and move forward without straightening it out. And then when it gets brought back up, they explode and say they hate you and are mad that you can’t get over it..
Then they’re not playing a straight game with you so you should cease trying to “play the game” with them. I think he makes that clear. You have to ascertain if they are willing to respect your boundaries, the rules of the game essentially.
This depends on what the issue is. Fornication would be a big deal. Star Wars wouldn’t be. I feel like a lot of issues would be avoided by having difficult conversations before marriage. Setting those boundaries when there still is a way to escape, though divorce has become an easy out solution and vows are becoming worthless.
I’ve been with my partner for 28 years and we have never been married! It’s been quite a rollercoaster and well worth all of the hard work. And, it’s sometimes a love/hate relationship but we always work things out…. Life is definitely a trip, but it’s better when you have someone to do it with ❤
Very true.. I'm 22 years in and been 100% loyal. Nd he had hurt me over n over but this love and emotion I feel with kisses and cuddles is y I stay. It's sooo intense... after being hurt and broken up with the day my dad died..... I trusted my guy when I knew I shouldn't have. He had an extra phone he kept in car for "ubering"ya cuz u need 2 phones for that.. smh Anyways I didn't check either phone and one day I took phone in with me and still didn't look for awhile.. long story short he gets phone back without me looking and it's now in our extra room and an alarm goes off at and I go in turn it off c no other alarm and a few minutes later it still goes off again but stops by the time I get there.. so I think maybe someone had called... So I look no missed calls BUT there were weeks worth of phone calls were he had been calling several chat lines!!!!!!! Nd he was doing this while I was staying with my mom that had almost passed away out of the blue and I was staying with her a few days a week and was so scared I was going to loose her and me and my son would find her no longer alive and he knew I was terrified and I begged him to stay there with me and our son but he chose to stay at home and apparently call these chat lines.... Mind u we had many many talks that I had told him if he felt lonely or neglected or just needed me to tell me. Sometimes I couldn't come home when she was real bad but still he could have came there and even on days he did he called... Now this is supposed to be my soulmate and we've been together 20+ years and I'm 37. Nd we have this deep love and feeling when we cuddle and have always said we have a love most people only dream of,but yet he chooses chat lines then swore on all our lives he didn't do this and had something horrible on my name in the phone... And he was an alcoholic and supposedly had quit because of feeling bad for doing this but there's so many lies and deception in this and he had hurt me multiple times B4. And was supposed to be earning my trust back... I don't understand why guys say they want a good girl that's loyal, honest,no games,says what's on her mind. Cooks cleans and does what women should ya know but yet the good girls get broken first. 🤦
I'm honestly more inclined to run away if someone lies to me and I find out doesn't matter if I took a vow to be married or not if you're going to lie to me because you're scared I'm going to leave there's a problem there's a big problem
I think it's BAD ADVICE to infer that maybe you're the "idiot". If you're dealing with a manipulative person who would betray you and/or cheat on you; they'll make you believe you are in fact the fool. They will attempt to rewrite every instance to fit their needs.
being the youngest of two, I was betrayed by my whole family, treated like second class and from an early age had only myself to rely on. I am married, but still have difficulty trusting even my wife. she hasn't betrayed me at all.
The best thing you can do is forgive the things that have happened in the past and move forward the anger and resentment held in the past will hurt you and the people that truly care about you and allow the past to continue to victimize you. once you lift that weight you will feel better physically emotionally and mentally when you let it go it's like being wash clean or cleaned and allows you to think and see much clearer
Because of what I let happen with women,I’m glad to finally be in a position where I can walk away at any moment without having any regrets, I will hopefully not ever put myself in a position to be manipulated etc by anyone,especially someone who says they care about me.
I won't be trusting another women for as long as I live. I won't be getting married again and I certainly won't be having someone else tied in with my finances again. There's no benefit in trusting anyone.
I think it was my own fault in one of my betrayals, I knew what my Mother in Law was but I ignored it. Betrayals are not just in sexual relationship but the results are the same. Three times and your out is a good rule.
I keep hoping and listening to your advice but like you said...” I’m not talking about the kind that won’t play straight with you” That’s what I’m up against. 😫
It's the part where, since we've been married over 30 years, they aren't allowed to just leave because he promised not to. But does he want to? I don't want him to stay out of obligation, because we're married and he promised, I want to know in my heart that he really wants to be with me. That he loves only me. I want him to really choose to stay with me out of his love for me
Everyday you wake up, you choose to love or not. Choosing sometimes means working on love. Sometimes love waivers; and that's when work begins. Sometimes love is questioned - it's not about a want to love, it's about if they can choose options to grow that love. You should want him to stay out of obligation if that obligation leads to him choosing you again.
When JP says he doesn’t think you can tell the truth to someone who can run away, does he also mean that you shouldn’t fully open up to someone and tell them the truth about everything you are until you have made your vows to each other and are married? At the same time isn’t it a good thing to open up more and more to your significant other even before you two decided to get married?
Thank you! “A small amount of silent tolerance”….amen!! I like the 3 time rule. Because imho, after 3 to 5 times, it’s a habit or a pattern. Which can also be hard to break but better to try and break it at that point then years and years later after its happened hundreds of times. Sound advice!
you tell them what you need to trust them , and then don’t do it and act like u are insecure, and you are , so then they turn it all around until your relation broken. they want honesty but only when it’s beneficial to her …that’s exactly what happened, you tell them the truth and after rehab , she’s like f this your a mess i’m done !!! on our anniversary no less , broke but not broken. wow this is absolutely true , divorce is always a way out and i’m living it . this is spot on
Asking a woman about her flirting will not be met with an honest answer. Observe, assess and make a choice, simp or walk. If she is actively putting ideas in other men's heads, run!
This man describes a large portion of my life, for some reason, and it was very helpful even though I don't know exactly how intelligent he is, no disrespect intended, He obviously came from my family, and I am curios how. My family disowned me before I was born and I'm looking for help, thank you. ✌💪 💜
Just a note of encouragement... just like you came here, as so many of us do, keep searching and looking... like most of us still do; this is life and you'll find inner peace and peace of mind. Thank you for your share. I appreciate it.
How do u deal with the depression after ? I can let them go. I can accept it. But I lost myself. Lost my ability to be happy. Lost my interest in things. I just want to feel normal again and I don’t see how that will happen
I delt with it by seeking help from a medical professional and sought council from people I thought know more than me and were not as emotionally invested in my problems.
I've just been dumped by my partner of nineteen years. He's cheated with a woman online and 'loves' her although they've never met. He was my absolute world. I am bereft. I forgave him ,went back once , but he couldn't leave her alone and wanted to end it with me. I am 65, in poor health , I can't start again and wouldn't want to. I never wanted to face old age alone.
It is better to be alone than being with someone who doesn't respect you and doesn't love you. You can still build a good life for yourself. It doesn't mean you will end up alone. People come and go in our lives.
It wasn’t meant to be. Do anything you can to get back to being happy! Therapy or whatever works for you. I think there’s someone/something out there for you/everyone!
I obviously would never condone cheating or anything of that nature, but in most cases, this person didn't just wake up one day and decide to be a shitty person. Something led up to that decision , and while it is certainly the fault of that person for making that choice, we still need to reflect on ourselves honestly and see where we might have contributed to this situation and then take responsibility for that. Not in a way that insinuates guilt, but in a way that promotes growth, so in the future, with any potential partnership , we be sure to put in our part in ensuring our partners emotional needs are met as much as our own. Human beings are so complex, and we tend to allow ourselves to be ruled by our egos rather than logic, and I swear, our egos are usually our worst enemy.
Often we change who we were when we met and even if that change seemed positive it may have been a big part of the bond for our partner. We often seek people with traits we wished we had more of ourselves
Yes cheating will never be an excuse,he cheated on me earlier when we are still new but I forgive learned to heal but the probblem,heis a fickle minded person and keeps on changing his mind,oftentimes I felt I could not trust this person anymore,it is hard when you love him but you could hardly trust him
my wife decided to talk to another man over me (emo affair) and then divorce me to have him. I have to be cool for the kids and she WILL and HAS poisoned the kids against me. I eve work on her house for F sake. Well it is my KIDS house too. Anyway I am a child of divorce. I did lose all that family stuff Dr. Peterson said, at age 8. My Dad couldnt handle the divorce or whatever and he was most of the time to busy for me. Anyway, I am saddled with this huge black whole inside me that no amount of anything good can fill. I am a lost soul, 100% broken beyond repair.
Bless you , it's been Months I pray that God has given you the strength to get through this and you know that there's someone out there that will appreciate you ❤🙏🏾
I always say that, if you are having provocations and antagonisms - no matter how small - that I challenge the person in that, I will accept they made two mistakes - after that it is a DECISION. !?!
I had a friend, I told them in confidence that I liked someone. They spread that out to everyone I knew. I handed them my trust and they spat in my face
This is all great for married folks, but when you’re just starting to date someone, how are you supposed to be truthful and open, since like JP said, they’ll just run away!
Infidelity trust issues are not my problem. The issues we are having are about trusting me with her six-year-old child. It breaks me to know that she would even consider me harming the child in any way. I suppose she has her reasons. There was an adult male involved in appropriate ways with the six-year-old boy when he was a couple years younger or so the story goes. I still can't deal with it. I broke it off last weekend partly because of this and partly because of her drug use and no plans for long-term future together. I can't keep financially supporting that with a clear good conscience. I do love her I've seen her at her best but she's not there now.
That's tough on both you and the kid, for whom you may have been the most stable influence. If you'd stayed, you'd end up in a (bigger?) mess too. You can't fix her kind of broken, only she can take the steps to do that. I've faced up to and (mostly) fixed my own kind of broken. Believe me, it's painful to do this and many never will; however I realized that no-one else could do that for me, and I didn't want to blunder through life lurching from one relationship drama to another. You commented 2 months ago, and I hope that has given you time to step back and assess objectively and heal from your experience.
@@Irene-gq4jr Thank you for your words. I'm in a better spot. I'm alone and distant from her. I've not cut her completely out financially but way less.
*If an action is triggered three times, it creates muscle memory. Three times triggered stimulus is the level of triggers it takes to reinforce signaling to the muscle to perform the motion state.* You may not even notice it. Yet, it still is reinforcing an unintentionally initiated behavior that you are not really looking to experience or express.
No one really understands the pain of a betrayal, except for those of us who live with it.
So very true! I'm going through my husband having an affair right now. He's living with his mistress in another state and has been for the last 3 months. He told me he wanted to separate at the end of July and started an immediate relationship with his mistress by mid August. My husband is absolutely ridiculous in thinking he's not having an affair. He considers it just moving on like we're not in a marriage. I told him I'm not his girlfriend, I'm his wife. It just doesn't work that way. Now he's not 100% he wants a divorce. I think the grass wasn't greener on the other side because it's fake grass and the color is starting to run and fade. Nah, I'm good.
@@crystalbrown2336I‘m sorry for you. I‘m going through similar situation
@@crystalbrown2336 I'm in the same boat
@@lmfisher650 I'm sorry for you. It really sucks to be betrayed like this.
How long ago did it happen?
Betrayal and cheating is the worst mental torment someone can put you through.... it breaks your most inner human nature...😢
100% agree...speaking from experience
It really does. I got trust issues like hell
@user-eq4il1jy6c How much more of yourself would you want to give to a person like that? Be grateful they were removed from your life when you didn’t have the wherewithal to do the removing yourself.
Story of my life
Suffering from PISD for over a decade it's really fucking hard.
Forgiving isn't the problem forgetting is
You probably have experienced betrayal. Because only someone who has can truly understand that. Not many do. I have and after almost 20 years don’t feel hate against that person or anything, but the humiliation was so deep that I can’t get over it. The thought of it catches me off guard sometimes.
@@curoseba5363 23 years for me, and you are spot on.
@@curoseba5363 I am a broken man, alone pretty much all the time.
@@curoseba5363 51 yrs for me @ 71 yrs. After his retirement @ 64 and crowd he kept up with and drank 4p-10PM X 7days a week..😞
Just been 3 days for me but I already relate to this
I feel like an empty shell of my former self and I don’t see a path towards transformation. I’ve lost all motivation and enthusiasm for life itself. This is the trauma that’s invisible to the rest of society. No one really understands the pain of a betrayal, except for those of us who live with it.
Brother, I understand the pain as I’m sitting in my car, saying the same thing to Myself we understand it more than you seem to understand that we do. That’s the system, and that’s the system of destroying men. But we fight for things because we are men but then we lose the fight.
believe me it happens to women too.
love you lads
Feel that so heavy rn.
Totally relate it’s just so hard to trust anyone these days!
Never let the same person not choose you twice.
sage advice
Third times a charm
damn this hit my heart … ima go pray and cry 😔
It depends whom... I did it many times, big mistake. 😏 Should've left them where they were, and me I should've moved on faster.
And, at times, even if I did move they came rushing back, and got me all muddled up again. 😞
I did and I can confidently say that it’s not a good idea. They’ll leave the same way they left the first time
When a person shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.
Absolutely. They could not hide it forever. The mask had to come off.
You cant change the the past and you cant predict the future,
But you can ruin the present by worrying about both.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Accurate❤️
@No Excuses that cute but the past products the future
How true , well said . Thank you
Exactly what happened to me
Giving a cheating person another chance is like giving them another bullet because they missed you the first time.
Omg, hadn't heard that one before. So true!
I agree, no second chances
Savage but true
What about when you didn't know about his spouse that you still don't understand if it is at all true because he radiates from all forms of Narcissististic disorder and you don't know how many victims he has and how his spouse enables him
Not sure..ive seen plenty of relationship that this has happened and it's many times we do they csn overcome it. I use to think that and one of the most beautiful relationships I have seen came from a friend who's wife had betrayed him. He was going to leave - he isnt a guy who forgives but he did and they worked together and they became very close..
I didn’t cheat, but I did lie about a relapse and broke her trust. I lost her, deservedly but it was the shot to the heart I needed. Back to working out, eating good, working on the white lies that can do easily snow ball into big ones. The weird thing is I’d never been so honest with someone in a relationship, I told her everything. But the few times I relapsed, I’d want to lie out of shame and not disappoint her. Ironically it was the lie that disappointed her and drove her away. Trying to grow and change my bad habits one day at a time. Sorry to everyone who had their heart broken or trust shattered by a person like me.
**Update for anyone curious: we’re back together and doing fantastic! Been clean since I posted this 8 months ago.
Its the lying that shattered her trust...Not your relapse...I hope she knows about how apologetic you are and I hope she will heal from this one day and learn to Trust without being scared.
@@athena556 they knew probably " Ironically it was the lie that disappointed her and drove her away"
Thank you for this I struggled with this with my ex and I stuck it out for 10 years helping him through his addiction where when he had a relapse he would lie to not disappoint me until he seemed better...... then he found a new addition and left me and our 3 year old little boy at the time to be with a woman that pretended to be my friend and watched her kids for her, her kids that now call my husband (we haven't divorced just yet) daddy.....after 10 years of non stop support being hurt and heart broken over and over again just to tell him it's alright we are all human and we make mistakes pick yourself up and keep going just to now have to say that to myself. Sucks putting so much effort into something for it to turn into nothing....(he literally will not speak to me) I'm so happy that you are better as a person who tried her hardest for someone like you thank you for being better 🖤
@@crazykitten4845i’m sorry for that 🖤 he was undeserving and it sucks that u wasted so much energy
@@dreams5672 I appreciate your kind words and support 🫶
Betrayal PTSD is real, especially after repeated intentional behaviours that was made clear is unacceptable.
There is no good flirting. Cheating is unforgivable.
💯
My husband of 15 years had a 3 year affair with a married coworker, and had a child that was a year old by the time her husband put two and two together, they passed the child off as his kid and he followed his gut instincts and got a OTC paternity test and it came back he was not the father and he knew immediately it was my now ex. The pain was AGONIZING.. I’m 10 years out post nuclear explosion as my life was incinerated and I lost everything.. I was literally married on Monday and Tuesday every thing was gone. My life, my marriage, my home, my job, my friends and our families were no where to be found not able to manage the heat of ground zero. 10 years later, that devastation drove me to work on deep childhood trauma and the pain of that marital catastrophe. My life is so different and the pain is being actively transmuted.. I would not order what happened to me off the menu but it was the fuckin meal I was served and I had to choke down every last goddamn bite… but my life is so different and for the better.
Please seek Christ for your own good
I had the exact same experience. Just completely unbearable
Cheating messes up children’s lives.
But oh no! We are supposed to open up and trust again right? NEVER! I don't care at this point whoever I meet though dating and they say they "love me" I'm not going to feel any of those words, my subconscious mind which I have to constantly defend is on alert all the time and I'm not letting anything in, never no matter how much doubt I have when people call me strange or out of place for not accepting this, I have to deal with this on my own terms and no amount of therapy will tell me otherwise! 😎
Wow that’s horrible! I’m so sorry you didn’t deserve this! I’m praying for you
"You are going to drag your stupidity into the next relationship". This really gave me comfort. And I hope those with stupidity, do.
Amen 🙏
Do you think it's whats called a rebound relationship
I find myself often doubting whether a fight (productive, but painful) is worth it or not, but I like this quote because he's right. If we don't resolve it then it'll happen again and even if we split it'll still happen again. These conflicts don't need to be resolved all at once, but they shouldn't be avoided for avoidance sake.
If a girl is already flirting with other dudes, I doubt that’s going to change when your back is turned. She is who she is. Any respectful partner wouldn’t do that to you.
Right it is their attitude and personality
Never allow someone to insult your intelligence by allowing them to imply that what you know to be true isn’t what it looks like. I can guarantee, if they were on the receiving end themselves of what you are not allowing, they wouldn’t give you half the chance to imply it isn’t what they think it is. 🤔
So very well articulated
Very good! 👏
However, I think the crucial thing to understand is "what you know to be true" from their perspective at least, is still just your own (very accurate) intuition.
But because they know you didn't see it with your own eyes, to them, it didn't happen.
Thought the same, invitation to get gaslighted
@@Mrantiemo99I thought gaslighting. Period
The mind is any relationships worst enemy. The arrogance required to assume that you will always be absolutely correct in your observations leads me to believe you are naive so I will leave you with this. It is not an insult to your intelligence to have a conversation. It is not an insult to be led out of the darkness of ignorance and bias, closer to the light of the truth. Yes deception happens and it sucks. But for any relationship to last, risks are certainly necessary.
Where there are lies there cannot be trust and without trust love will NOT SURVIVE!
Cheating in any way is unforgivable
Remember we too are unforgivable but are forgiven if we repent and turn from sin. For me it the hardest test of my life. I've been through a lot and it is the hardest by far. It is always wrong, but if we do not forgive to a repenting spouse, we cannot be forgiven.
Called...and what is it after ? How is it end
Try that every relationship and see how far it takes you......
@@brianmoonga9920friends is worse
@Dylan Magdalin stwww did you write the Bible you cam forgive them and yourself and choose not to be in the relationship forgiveness does not mean staying
This doesnt work with a narcissist. They always run away from true empathy.
Then leave the narcs alone. Simple.
Nothing works with a narc except zero contact.
Nothing works with a narcissist.
We all have narc traits,
Always
betrayed is worst feeling that someone have to go trough, you start questioning everything, you start to blame yourself your confidance is drop to the ground zero... need a big courage to give our partner second chance, to coup with all hurts caused by, needs hard work... but if you choose to forgive, take your time and do it slowly to heal your wound...❤ be brave, but if you decide to leave... remember, its not your fault, its never be... keep going, keep moving, don't look back, hope you find happiness.. ❤
🧡
Causing trauma betrayal should be considered a crime and compensation
If you’re at the point where taking them back feels good but you know it’s wrong-the temporary pleasure is delaying your real life and you’re getting older in the process
So true. I really needed to hear this today. Thank you
Damn man. Thanks.
Damnit. The truth hurts. 😢
Never allow a destroyed person destroy you
❤ this x
Well said 💯
But what if they're not destroyed? What if they're pretty well put together, lull you into thinking they care about you while knowing about your accumulated damage, then pick the precise moment to shatter your world that will hurt you the most?
Good one. Thank you.
I did this trying to get back with my ex. She was still lying when we started talking again. Literally destoryed me. I became the bad guy. Dont stick around and entertain liars. I still blame myself and think i couldve done differently. Nothing can change a person who doesnt want accountability
The pain and wound from being cheated from a person you love are forever!
Or when they up and leave you for someone they just met with no warning.
CHEATING AND LIES ARE VERY DAMAGING.
PEOPLE GET HURT AND THIS CAN LAST A LIFE TIME.
The point is, ppl gotta be mature and able to explain, and talk about what they feel. If ppl pretend they are ok and instead they are bottling some resentment inside then there is only either argument or break up. It is sad.
Not true at all, many people can’t handle their feelings let alone others. People need to learn how to be INDIVIDUAL ADULTS before getting into a relationship. A relationship is something for people who have already done the work within , to many people think others can fix them or make it easier, that’s just putting a bandaid over a broken bone
@@DREWTHEEMPATH so you have started disagreeing with what I write and then proceeded to say exactly what i said. Mature = being adult. So much for being empath 🤣
This is true
@@DREWTHEEMPATH Sorry but you just said the same thing as OP lol
I totally agree that’s where I went wrong. Sucks because I only cared about her feelings and never told her how I felt.
And if you deal with a narcissist it's another ball game again - forget about honesty - therapies etc ... nothing will work !!!
Problem is someone can be as honest as one can be and suddenly turn against you and screw you over.
I was in my early 20's when I first got married. The marriage was just over a week old when I can home from work and found out that my new husband and my mother had sex. I was the closest I have ever been to being completely empty and suicidal. But I am now in my 60's and feel more sorry for them. I am healthy, content and learned never to take anyone regardless of gender at face value.
That’s insane? If you don’t mind me asking, how was/is the relationship with your mother after that?
@@papa19105 I never really had a close relationship with her. I found out a few years later that she was a Malignant Narcissist and a borderline Sociopath.
I had to stay with her eight more months until I got on my feet , then I left abruptly.
I didn't see her for 20 years. She had me tracked down. I figured she thought I needed her and she could resume control. However, she found out differently. She even tried to convince my daughter to move away with her to Hollywood. She even told her that she was her real mother and I was her older sister who stole her. My daughter was having none of it. She left my town after a week. I found out through other relatives that she died two years later.
There were times in my life when I was alone I cried for my mother. Unfortunately that woman never existed.
@@zanac1868
Well done for standing up to your mother; you did the right thing. Nobody deserves to have their life ruined by someone like that.
👍💐🌷
🇬🇧
@@GWAYGWAY1OMG.. that is a terrible scenario. Respect to you for being here today
@@zanac1868 Thank you for sharing. I had a mother like that... she would flirt w/any guy who shown any interested in me. That's too damned close to incest. I left... and have never gone back. I don't have children yet but having my precious cat is how I developed good mothering skills. Our pets really are our families... my mother was some psycho lunatic but that's her problem and I can't see mistreating any living thing. I don't. !! be glad for your qualities as a good and decent person. < ;)
I personally don't like the 3 strike rule, because it allows for time to lapse, creating an opportunity for the other person to "forget" or deny the event all together. For these reasons, I personally like to address the situation immediately (while it's still fresh), and if 3 strikes still occurs, then I'll re-evaluate the relationship.
Yes me too
@@SolomonSamms it sounds like a good idea. I didn't do that. I was so shocked by the affairs that i couldnt talk about it. And when it got to be too overwhelming I turned into a screaming thing towards him. He deserved everything I said but I sure wish I hadn't let it go so long. It changed me in ways that wasn't good for me and has taken me years to be even remotely close to the person I used to be. I really liked that person. I don't like me now. I've been told that I may never be that person again. A huge part of me is missing. That part that loves, is a healer. I still do those things but I don't feel it. I know this probably doesn't make sense, doesn't to me either. It's just how I see it. Sorry for the rant.
I agree
He said that at 1:43. He gave the example of addressing the flirting. It got address and it shouldn't be repeated. Now if it gets repeated and discussed 2 more times, then you're out.
@@leannmeddings4068 I understand exactly, went through it some years ago. Was so shocked, I fell over in pain. Then I let it rip and rip, lost 20 lbs, nightmares, endless ruminating, if only's, and so on. No more internal peace. My poor body.
I became a different person overnight. Went from happy go lucky and adventurous to prickly, unsure, and defensive. It was like having an out-of-body experience (is called dis-associative behavior and ptsd).
Things improved after some years, though had difficulty connecting to men again, would panic and unintentionally sabotage things to create a safe distance, I never used to do that.. sigh.
I must say that the untold agony and *years* spent in "recovery" was gross insult to injury.
Leave, if you must, but don't betray and deceive the one who has your back. I too miss the person I once was and will always resent him taking that away from me. Peace.
It's especially difficult if you have Trauma over betrayals...
The one thing I cannot tolerate is a liar..my ex and my oldest son both lied to me..by omission..they only say what they want you to know..I believe its better to tell the truth than to lie..you don't have to REMEMBER the truth..and I can spot a lie a mile away
I sense a narcissist in you. You're probably the problem.
agree, lies of omission can do your head in - the person can then say.. well, you never asked.
Never lie to me, it breaks me😢😢
Marriage is so hard as people are less and less honourable - as they say we are going through a crisis of character
I think it's due to social media
My husbands cheating was made possible because of social media, and his terrible character
I love the way in this series that Lewis often smiles and gently shakes his head. Not in disbelief but in wonder at the wisdom and the new understanding offered by JP
"If it's not a lemon relationship, and the person is playing a straight game with you." No matter how much you desire truth or want to trust, you are standing on sand if the other person doesn't care. Dr. Peterson is so clear on the power of the "vow." Why would I unpack my vulnerabilities to someone who is not invested and can exit when waters get turbulent? I am inspired! I think the key words here happen to be, "a straight game." Most people like to know the rules before they engage in a game. 🤓
DMaria Woods, if the other person cheats in the game, then it was never a straight game in the first place.
Agreed, the key word is "straight, truthful." To deviate from the truth or the straight is to lie, and lies destroy trust.
Yep
It's a GAME
Playing games sometimes you lose.
😐👆🏻
I’m a secure person and This is how I set boundaries : “ you are free to do as you will . You are free to interact with whomever you want . You are self responsible and accountable for your words and actions . And as long as you never deceive or betray me , and as long as you are always honest , truthful, trustworthy, respectful , fair and just , and treat me with decency and dignity , you’ll always have my dedication and commitment. “ I make that clear . If they cross the line in particular betrayal , regardless how much I may still love them , I’d leave just by principle . It has nothing to do with the betrayed but everything to do with the dishonest , untruthful , untrustworthy, disrespectful person that betrayed you. Learn your attachment style and why you bond the way you do in relationships. I always give my best but leave a small buffer zone just in case my expectations of a faithful partner is broken .
Betrayal come in many forms beside the physical
Yep my husband just filed for divorce with no conversation.
A good phrase to use here is “the story I’m telling myself is …”
mind explaining?
@@odenisaraujo Sure: you start a sentence with that phrase and then keep talking. Say the thing that you're imagining about the situation. This will reveal the basis for your feelings, get possible misconceptions on the table, and reveal what matters to you.
The utility of the phrase is that it helps the other person keep in mind that this is your perspective and to not take things so personally that they fly off the handle.
@@amfarrell42 perfect. thanks
Oooouu ok I like that
@@odenisaraujo what he’s trying to say is you can fry an egg 🥚 however you can’t fry a peach 🍑, think 🤔 about that 🤔
The flirting and cheating is going on behind your back so there are no outward signs to discuss. Cheating or setting up a new supply is pure evil.
Fuck yes
I trust that everyone can and will betray me when its in their interest. Trust is not a topic of value but more one of illusion.
Maybe indoctrinating values is an invention to control people.
Interestingly put,lol.(:
Well said.
This 💯 big f_ck_n facts.
No, I disagree. A few people you can trust. Unfortunately one can meet none of those people in his/her life so it is logical to assume that you can trust nobody.
If we love our marriage partner we value their feelings and don't flirt with other women or men. Many affairs are created when spouses cross the boundary and get tempted.
Staying in a bad marriage can lead to toxic relationships with the children. My mother stayed with my dad over 30 years because of the vow and she was toxic and abusive physically and verbally toward me. When my father died it took about a year and amazingly I saw a new mom that was fun and a pleasure to be around. She ended up being my best friend. There are consequences to being in a toxic relationship. I now have social as well as generalized anxiety because you can’t undo your past. I am now having issues with my husband but instead of taking it out on the kids I drink more. He packed his things today and I’m not sure if I want him back. Staying in a bad marriage does not benefit anyone except the abuser
How are you now?
I requested credit card statements.he threw them out and I had to dig them out of the garbage. Found out all those “work trips “were to the Caribbean with the girlfriend. Went a year back ; jewelry, intimate apparel purchases and even a car purchased for the girlfriend. He is asking me to take him back but who would benefit from this ? He finally admitted to prostitutes for the last 11 years of our 16 year marriage. Please be careful and think twice. I was far too trusting and learned the hard way. We are now divorcing.
Hope you're okay. It's also enabling them. I've left my partner so many times, but he decided he calls the shots so when I want space he won't leave and then he's not around when it matters. We actually broke up years ago but he's so controlling he doesn't let me live my life.
I hope you got out and feel happier. I hope you're in a happy relationship, the type where you're not lying when you say things are great.
I hope you are okay
Sounds like and your mother are the abuser.
Tigers don't change its stripes. They cheated because they wanted to and knowingly at the expense of the relationship. That says it all.
@@iamkarenw82 Tigers are very prone to cheating
Yes he betrayed me . Deceived me. Was a master of deception. Groomed me. A nature wise women in her mid 50,s. He was centre of my world. Long story very short. Our bond caused me to have sense of youthfulness, wanted, desired..it validated me. He walked away and never looked back. But I was true, I was real, every word uttered from my mouth, every feeling was authentic in me. Im an empath..he is a narcissist. Our deceptive romance in fact saved my sanity through a challenging time. In my gut I felt the deception. But outwardly he was an amazing actor. Had me fooled.
I’ve got similar.
I know someone similar a woman who got with a with a much younger man, I think she was going through something that made her feel like an old woman she was approaching 45 and a notion that her husband didn’t love her anymore , this guy supposedly had it all his own restaurant smart car, false confidence that some women who are emotionally retarded still go for the bad boy thing. The only thing was her husband still loved her even though they were going through a very difficult time, he still held onto the vow he made, she dropped it like it was nothing. Trust gone ,loyalty gone , respect gone, constant lies, do now it can’t be fixed because of that and the constant arguing over things that just really reallly don’t matter or where an effect of the outcome of what has happened, he doesn’t even know what is real and what is lies. The sad thing is now she has made sure of what she was afraid of
I've been dealing with a good friend that has recently lied in major ways to get ahead, and screwing me in the process. it is almost like the more they get away with it, the more bold they are about it, without ever admitting it
My boyfriend cheated on me for two years with his ex girlfriend. I forgave him, but will never forget. The waves of emotions I go through are torturous.
I experienced it, but i left him. I got hurt, and i couldn't trust him anymore
Are you still with him?
Why didn't you leave
You say he was cheating on you for two years with "his ex"? Dollars to Donuts, He STILL IS!!!
Also, when you KNOW & it continues...& You STAY, you can no longer claim he's cheating, since it's all out in the open & YOU PUT-UP with it!!
Cheaters think it's ok to cheat until cheated on and then the penny drops
I'm finding it's easier to never trust anyone and keep people out! Don't have to worry about being betrayed then.
That's certainly easier in the short-term. The long-term costs of that aren't palatable to me, personally, so I keep trying.
👍
Easier maybe, but lonely. It’s worth healing heartbreak with professional support like RTT hypnosis or spiritual counseling.
I’ve felt this way before, so I understand! No judgment. But in my experience, I eventually arrived at the conclusion that it was a cowardly excuse to avoid relationships (which make like worth living) because running from people meant that I did not have to trust MYSELF. When I chose a ‘bad’ partner, I saw the red flags, I felt the abuse, and yet I proceeded or stayed or returned or whatever. It’s myself I stopped trusting because I betrayed myself. It’s difficult to forgive that kind of betrayal. But it is possible. And very much worth it. Don’t give up. Love is real. And you are amazingly intuitive, fortunate, and way worth it, no matter what monsters f’d your head over in the past, with or without your permission.
Bri, Instead of trusting no one,
I like to reframe that as only
Trusting Yourself!
Trust Yourself.
Having been brought up by a narcissist and then married one I would like to say that I stuck to my marriage vow for 18 years and it was the dumbest thing I ever did. Some people are not able or willing to commit to truth and in that case give yourself permission to get out. As soon as you realise. Run and don’t stop till you are free to find your own truth. The ideal of the extended and stable family over decades is a fantasy IME. There are other ways to manage long term relationships as we evolve. If you are in the kind of relationship spoken about here you probably don’t need this kind of advice as you will have these things in place already.
I agree as long term relationships and family can also be so dysfunctional
Thank you for sharing your story ❤I totally agree ⭐️
35 years....
When someone cheats, you leave, they committed the ultimate betrayal.
This ☝️100 percent
Yes Just leave!.
What if they refuse to straighten it out… so that same fight continues over and over and over… because it never gets fully addressed? But they continue to stay with you. They just want to ignore it and forget about it and move forward without straightening it out. And then when it gets brought back up, they explode and say they hate you and are mad that you can’t get over it..
Then they’re not playing a straight game with you so you should cease trying to “play the game” with them. I think he makes that clear. You have to ascertain if they are willing to respect your boundaries, the rules of the game essentially.
That sounds abusive. Does this person show a lack of empathy? Do they try to alter your worldview or change the facts on how things happen?
Literally the same thing is happening to me
This exact same thing is happening to me. It's lonely, confusing and emotionally draining.
This depends on what the issue is. Fornication would be a big deal. Star Wars wouldn’t be. I feel like a lot of issues would be avoided by having difficult conversations before marriage. Setting those boundaries when there still is a way to escape, though divorce has become an easy out solution and vows are becoming worthless.
I’ve been with my partner for 28 years and we have never been married! It’s been quite a rollercoaster and well worth all of the hard work. And, it’s sometimes a love/hate relationship but we always work things out…. Life is definitely a trip, but it’s better when you have someone to do it with ❤
Good for you! I'd add, when one has someone good and honest, faithful, responsible, and caring, to do that life trip with! I want to meet him soon! 🙏
are you saying one of you cheated but your still standing strong ?
Very true.. I'm 22 years in and been 100% loyal. Nd he had hurt me over n over but this love and emotion I feel with kisses and cuddles is y I stay. It's sooo intense... after being hurt and broken up with the day my dad died..... I trusted my guy when I knew I shouldn't have. He had an extra phone he kept in car for "ubering"ya cuz u need 2 phones for that.. smh
Anyways I didn't check either phone and one day I took phone in with me and still didn't look for awhile.. long story short he gets phone back without me looking and it's now in our extra room and an alarm goes off at and I go in turn it off c no other alarm and a few minutes later it still goes off again but stops by the time I get there.. so I think maybe someone had called... So I look no missed calls BUT there were weeks worth of phone calls were he had been calling several chat lines!!!!!!! Nd he was doing this while I was staying with my mom that had almost passed away out of the blue and I was staying with her a few days a week and was so scared I was going to loose her and me and my son would find her no longer alive and he knew I was terrified and I begged him to stay there with me and our son but he chose to stay at home and apparently call these chat lines.... Mind u we had many many talks that I had told him if he felt lonely or neglected or just needed me to tell me. Sometimes I couldn't come home when she was real bad but still he could have came there and even on days he did he called... Now this is supposed to be my soulmate and we've been together 20+ years and I'm 37. Nd we have this deep love and feeling when we cuddle and have always said we have a love most people only dream of,but yet he chooses chat lines then swore on all our lives he didn't do this and had something horrible on my name in the phone... And he was an alcoholic and supposedly had quit because of feeling bad for doing this but there's so many lies and deception in this and he had hurt me multiple times B4. And was supposed to be earning my trust back...
I don't understand why guys say they want a good girl that's loyal, honest,no games,says what's on her mind. Cooks cleans and does what women should ya know but yet the good girls get broken first. 🤦
I'm honestly more inclined to run away if someone lies to me and I find out doesn't matter if I took a vow to be married or not if you're going to lie to me because you're scared I'm going to leave there's a problem there's a big problem
Yes
So well explained and makes perfect sense. Basically its so much easier to break than to mend but mending is worth much more ...
🧡
Well depend on the intention of the other
I think it's BAD ADVICE to infer that maybe you're the "idiot". If you're dealing with a manipulative person who would betray you and/or cheat on you; they'll make you believe you are in fact the fool. They will attempt to rewrite every instance to fit their needs.
Then that’s not a relationship worthy of keeping
He mentioned about people like that. He says they are the ones not playing a fair game.
@Alixir1228 Some people are willfully ignorant, but more people are ignorant in general or accept poor behavior.
I will never take a cheater back again, also i will trust my gut instincts.
I never knew how much of a jealous freak I could be and I never know if it's cus I'm reading into things too much or if something is actually there
I can sort of relate to this and was wondering if it may be due to past childhood wounds or past romantic experiences where you were hurt or betrayed
@@Raminakai I needed to hear this, thank you 💕
Could be your intuition
being the youngest of two, I was betrayed by my whole family, treated like second class and from an early age had only myself to rely on.
I am married, but still have difficulty trusting even my wife. she hasn't betrayed me at all.
I relate to this so much. You are not alone.
😞
I know the feeling
The best thing you can do is forgive the things that have happened in the past and move forward the anger and resentment held in the past will hurt you and the people that truly care about you and allow the past to continue to victimize you. once you lift that weight you will feel better physically emotionally and mentally when you let it go it's like being wash clean or cleaned and allows you to think and see much clearer
Keep working it out with your wife. You both deserve it! ❤
Because of what I let happen with women,I’m glad to finally be in a position where I can walk away at any moment without having any regrets, I will hopefully not ever put myself in a position to be manipulated etc by anyone,especially someone who says they care about me.
I absolutely love this doctor. I’ve been following him awhile. Grateful for this podcast.
Thank you for being here 🧡
I won't be trusting another women for as long as I live. I won't be getting married again and I certainly won't be having someone else tied in with my finances again. There's no benefit in trusting anyone.
True
Give trust, if betrayed, no more trust.
👍
my question is that when does too much communication turns to losing self-dignity?
When you no longer become a mystery
Saying yes to someone if it doesn’t come from a place of yes inside yourself will build resentment if you are not careful.
I think it was my own fault in one of my betrayals, I knew what my Mother in Law was but I ignored it. Betrayals are not just in sexual relationship but the results are the same. Three times and your out is a good rule.
Sex is the epitomf of intimacy and vulnerabilty , that why it hurt the most
I keep hoping and listening to your advice but like you said...” I’m not talking about the kind that won’t play straight with you”
That’s what I’m up against. 😫
It's the part where, since we've been married over 30 years, they aren't allowed to just leave because he promised not to. But does he want to? I don't want him to stay out of obligation, because we're married and he promised, I want to know in my heart that he really wants to be with me. That he loves only me. I want him to really choose to stay with me out of his love for me
Commitment is love. Feelings have seasons, but being committed to stay through the hard seasons is an act of love.
If he's still there. He still wants you. Stop doubting 30 years of love.
Everyday you wake up, you choose to love or not. Choosing sometimes means working on love. Sometimes love waivers; and that's when work begins. Sometimes love is questioned - it's not about a want to love, it's about if they can choose options to grow that love. You should want him to stay out of obligation if that obligation leads to him choosing you again.
When JP says he doesn’t think you can tell the truth to someone who can run away, does he also mean that you shouldn’t fully open up to someone and tell them the truth about everything you are until you have made your vows to each other and are married? At the same time isn’t it a good thing to open up more and more to your significant other even before you two decided to get married?
Sometimes you simply don't know who exactly you are UNTIL you're living together, facing life together. You work on things. Not 50/50 but 100/100
This guy laughing and smirking while JP is talking does my head in
Yes why is he doing that??
The hard thing is that your heart accepting what is your mind already knew !
There's no such thing as " harmless flirtation."
You're asking a question, expecting an answer.
And what about being betrayed by a blood relative, mainly one of our parents? I think it is even worse.
Thank you! “A small amount of silent tolerance”….amen!! I like the 3 time rule. Because imho, after 3 to 5 times, it’s a habit or a pattern. Which can also be hard to break but better to try and break it at that point then years and years later after its happened hundreds of times. Sound advice!
You're welcome🧡
you tell them what you need to trust them , and then don’t do it and act like u are insecure, and you are , so then they turn it all around until your relation broken. they want honesty but only when it’s beneficial to her …that’s exactly what happened, you tell them the truth and after rehab , she’s like f this your a mess i’m done !!! on our anniversary no less , broke but not broken. wow this is absolutely true , divorce is always a way out and i’m living it . this is spot on
Asking a woman about her flirting will not be met with an honest answer. Observe, assess and make a choice, simp or walk. If she is actively putting ideas in other men's heads, run!
No peace ☮️ in negotiating with a narcissist who radiates all forms of Narcissististic disorder. . .
Thank you Mr. Peterson. You have given men of all ages hope and understanding. I appreciate you so much. Thank you!
🙌
This man describes a large portion of my life, for some reason, and it was very helpful even though I don't know exactly how intelligent he is, no disrespect intended, He obviously came from my family, and I am curios how. My family disowned me before I was born and I'm looking for help, thank you. ✌💪 💜
Just a note of encouragement... just like you came here, as so many of us do, keep searching and looking... like most of us still do; this is life and you'll find inner peace and peace of mind. Thank you for your share. I appreciate it.
I try bringing stuff up in my relationship and I get shut down.
Yup same
How do u deal with the depression after ? I can let them go. I can accept it. But I lost myself. Lost my ability to be happy. Lost my interest in things. I just want to feel normal again and I don’t see how that will happen
I delt with it by seeking help from a medical professional and sought council from people I thought know more than me and were not as emotionally invested in my problems.
Of course you can throw that all out the window if you’re married or dating a narcissist like my ex-wife was and is!
I've just been dumped by my partner of nineteen years. He's cheated with a woman online and 'loves' her although they've never met. He was my absolute world. I am bereft. I forgave him ,went back once , but he couldn't leave her alone and wanted to end it with me. I am 65, in poor health , I can't start again and wouldn't want to. I never wanted to face old age alone.
It is better to be alone than being with someone who doesn't respect you and doesn't love you. You can still build a good life for yourself. It doesn't mean you will end up alone. People come and go in our lives.
What an idiot
It wasn’t meant to be. Do anything you can to get back to being happy! Therapy or whatever works for you. I think there’s someone/something out there for you/everyone!
I obviously would never condone cheating or anything of that nature, but in most cases, this person didn't just wake up one day and decide to be a shitty person. Something led up to that decision , and while it is certainly the fault of that person for making that choice, we still need to reflect on ourselves honestly and see where we might have contributed to this situation and then take responsibility for that. Not in a way that insinuates guilt, but in a way that promotes growth, so in the future, with any potential partnership , we be sure to put in our part in ensuring our partners emotional needs are met as much as our own. Human beings are so complex, and we tend to allow ourselves to be ruled by our egos rather than logic, and I swear, our egos are usually our worst enemy.
Very well articulated! I completely agree with you and I had to learn it the hard way.
Often we change who we were when we met and even if that change seemed positive it may have been a big part of the bond for our partner. We often seek people with traits we wished we had more of ourselves
"You must have a silent tolerance in any relation and let small infractions go.. " words of wisdom by JP always
Yes cheating will never be an excuse,he cheated on me earlier when we are still new but I forgive learned to heal but the probblem,heis a fickle minded person and keeps on changing his mind,oftentimes I felt I could not trust this person anymore,it is hard when you love him but you could hardly trust him
Are you still together?
5:50 - I don't think you can tell the truth to someone who can run away
my wife decided to talk to another man over me (emo affair) and then divorce me to have him. I have to be cool for the kids and she WILL and HAS poisoned the kids against me. I eve work on her house for F sake. Well it is my KIDS house too. Anyway I am a child of divorce. I did lose all that family stuff Dr. Peterson said, at age 8. My Dad couldnt handle the divorce or whatever and he was most of the time to busy for me. Anyway, I am saddled with this huge black whole inside me that no amount of anything good can fill. I am a lost soul, 100% broken beyond repair.
I feel the pain too, u aren't alone
Bless you , it's been Months I pray that God has given you the strength to get through this and you know that there's someone out there that will appreciate you ❤🙏🏾
The damage leave you open to other damage from others. It is worse than it seams.
My betrayal was drugs …so heartbreaking , he broke my heart
Lewis Howes was smiling too much, while Jordan Peterson was speaking seriously. This shows the difference in wisdom that age provides.
I would never want to be considered "stuck with someone" though.
Maybe that’s what is best for the both of you…then you have to choose who you want to be stuck with and who is too much for you
I always say that, if you are having provocations and antagonisms - no matter how small - that I challenge the person in that, I will accept they made two mistakes - after that it is a DECISION. !?!
The school of hard knocks has taught me to trust nobody. The only one I trust is my dog .
I had a friend, I told them in confidence that I liked someone. They spread that out to everyone I knew. I handed them my trust and they spat in my face
This is all great for married folks, but when you’re just starting to date someone, how are you supposed to be truthful and open, since like JP said, they’ll just run away!
Haha
It happens once, it will keep repeating
Infidelity trust issues are not my problem. The issues we are having are about trusting me with her six-year-old child. It breaks me to know that she would even consider me harming the child in any way. I suppose she has her reasons. There was an adult male involved in appropriate ways with the six-year-old boy when he was a couple years younger or so the story goes. I still can't deal with it. I broke it off last weekend partly because of this and partly because of her drug use and no plans for long-term future together. I can't keep financially supporting that with a clear good conscience. I do love her I've seen her at her best but she's not there now.
That's tough on both you and the kid, for whom you may have been the most stable influence. If you'd stayed, you'd end up in a (bigger?) mess too. You can't fix her kind of broken, only she can take the steps to do that. I've faced up to and (mostly) fixed my own kind of broken. Believe me, it's painful to do this and many never will; however I realized that no-one else could do that for me, and I didn't want to blunder through life lurching from one relationship drama to another. You commented 2 months ago, and I hope that has given you time to step back and assess objectively and heal from your experience.
@@Irene-gq4jr Thank you for your words. I'm in a better spot. I'm alone and distant from her. I've not cut her completely out financially but way less.
In the end,
Nobody belongs to...
Nobody owns Nobody.
We love who we wanna love.
We just make things complicated more
I love that you still have a Columbus area code! I grew up in Worthington! 👊🏼
Lll
*If an action is triggered three times, it creates muscle memory. Three times triggered stimulus is the level of triggers it takes to reinforce signaling to the muscle to perform the motion state.*
You may not even notice it.
Yet, it still is reinforcing an unintentionally initiated behavior that you are not really looking to experience or express.