Extra point: while internal locus of control has better outcomes, it's also important to not let it go to the extreme. Some people can become too hard on themselves, which isn't great either. You can't always control what happens to you, but you can always control how you respond to it, and your responses are usually what shape your journey. Take self responsibility and control over your life, but also accept that sometimes it won't always work out exactly how you want it to, and there are some things that are out of your hands; but rather than allow self pity and resentment to consume you, choose to learn from it, and use what you learnt to move you forward.
@@turtleriley Honey it's a real, scientifically proven mental trait not a diagnosis. Haven't you ever met anyone with a worldview that the world is against them and that is why nothing works out for them? That is an extreme example but ofc such ppl exist. Just like more exist ppl more open to new experiences, extraverts, introverts and so on the same way ppl tend to place blame on a person or on the outside circumstances. When I was studying the subject we've got shown a car crushed in some dumb situation to check if our first thought was "stupid driver" or "it must have been icy" - the difference exists.
Totally agree that there is a balance (It's one of the points that popped into my head as I listened to your video). By looking at both external and internal points we can learn to work on the things that we can and also the ways to move past/manage/heal from the things that are outside of our control.
I had a victim mindset, I grew up with an abusive mother and always thought, “why should I be responsible for cleaning up my life when she was the one who ruined it?” Until I went to therapy. After months of complaining my therapist said this, “If you have people over at a party and someone knocks over the vase and it breaks, that person SHOULD clean it up and replace it. But if they don’t, then what? Are you gonna walk around a house with glass shards in ur feet to stick it to the person who didn’t clean up the mess? No, in the end you just clean it up. If someone breaks a vase in ur home it’s their fault and should clean it up, but at the end of the day it’s YOUR house and you are responsible for the quality and care you put into it.” Another big experience that changed for me was my political science professor. At the time I was a hard socialist leftist. He told me something I’ll never forget. “ you are operating from the way the world ‘ought’ to be and not from the way the world actually is. There is a difference between the way the world ought to be and the way it actually is, and the sooner you accept that, the less outraged you will be, the more you will protect yourself and your own interests, and from the opinions and judgment of others.” I think a lot of leftists/liberals are consumed with the way the world ‘ought’ to be. And they can’t function in the reality of how the world really works.
I think ur point is indirectly wrong. If that makes sense. This is how the world works. That’s true. No point in being upset all the time if it’s not gonna change. But that doesn’t mean because something “is,” it “should” be.
@@cryocriminal_1019 fair. But then you have to work towards making it better (I am guilty of sitting on my hands. I need to volunteer in my community and remember what it is all about)
My victim mentality disapeared the moment someone dared to put responsibility on me. I always knew deep down that I wasn't a victim but I did'nt know how to express is, and everyone around me, teachers, parents, therapist, friends, they all kept telling me "it's not your fault, your perfect the way you are". Untill one day, I told my father I felt useless and he said "yes, you are useless, but you dont have to be". The next day I did something productuve for the first time in months and I started to feel a little less useless each day.
So much, this. I got cosseted so much when I was younger that it legit created this felling of total uselessness. I used to call myself a waste of air. People telling me that every freaking emotion was valid didn’t help. In the end I was the one who had to tell myself I was as much the problem as my abusers had been, only I was the one happening every moment of every day, not the abusers of the past. My emotions might be “valid”, but they sure weren’t making my quality of life better. At what point do we stop accepting our own excuses?
@@TheBrighterSpider Yeah, I think you have to get to the point where you just get so tired of feeling like shit, you realise that you literally can't live like this anymore. But that's also a dangerous place to be in because at that point you kind of just have two options. Get up and do something or lay down and die. Obviously I choose to get up and this way of thinking is actually quite motivating for me, but evidently not for everyone. If you sincerely believe that there is nothing you can do, the only option left is to lay down...
This is why I think the notion of "your perfect the way you are" or that people are inherently valuable for no reason other than being alive, is dangerous. That's the mentality I was raised with and it made me miserable, it wasn't untill I started taking resposibility for things and being a productive member of my family that I actually felt valuable. I was always loved and valued by my family even at my most useless, but I didn't FEEL valuable because my life didn't have any meaning or purpose. I think resposibility will give your life meaning if you accept it willingly.
@@TheBrighterSpider I feel you, I also suffered abuse and that was something that was out of my control and my abusers are solely resposible for how they treated me, but I was still the only one who could put an end to it by getting myself out of that situation and slowly changing my reaction to their abuse.
Crazy enlightening video! I feel like growing up, I was coached to be a victim being African American by my family, other African Americans by saying I can't do something because of my race and things like that! But when I got to high school my teachers and counselors taught me that I can do or be however I want but it comes down to me to become that and to take on responsibility in my own life! It's funny because it was always the white adults who told me I could become whatever I want but black family members that put me in a box!
I’m African American too and very successful. It’s almost all white people who ended up encouraging me and giving me opportunities. Black people, including my own family, were the most nihilistic and assumed I would/could never amount to much.
When I was a kid, I was taught “you can do anything through hard work.” It feels like that ideology has been totally erased from peoples minds, and that doesn’t bode well for the future
and while i can understand this mentality not working in certain circumstances the complete dismissal of this ideology is only gonna hurt people in the long run. "no matter what i do I will never succeed bc the world is against me!"
And there you have it. You were taught that as a kid. However, many people were not taught that when they were kids. This is not necessarily to blame the parents, because they might not have had good childhoods and could therefore not teach their children something they may have never experienced themselves. So you are the fortunate one while others have had to consciously learn agency later on. And many never do, unfortunately. In the end, though, the level of victimhood mindset that is prevalent in our societies is a serious problem for all.
I used to teach in primary schools in the uk - it’s no joke so many kids want to be UA-camrs as a career now..when kids took pride in what job their parent/s did it was so so refreshing and lovely to hear
@Gabriel Franco as a teacher, one thing I talk to my students about is how to work towards a goal. Instead of saying "You can do anything through hard work" , I say, "If you work hard, you can get closer to your goals and see yourself make progress". And then we look at realistic goals to set. This is important for them bc in my district so many kids are failing or have some form of disability or disorder. You see way more kids successful when you teach them how to set realistic goals, work hard, and celebrate their progress! People feel like failures if they are always comparing themselves to people way ahead of them in life. It's about doing what you can where you are, and getting better over time.
I had such a victim mentality that I spent years taking drugs and drinking heavily because my life was “so hard” as soon as I took responsibility for my stuff and decided to work hard for my dreams life turned around. It’s no one else’s fault if your failing in life, or unhappy, no one is going to “save” you, we are all responsible for our own stuff. The world needs to start remembering this.
There has to be a balance. Yes, there are a lot of situations where people are causing their own problems by doing stupid things. But there are also lots of situations like the Exxon Valdez oil spill and sweat shop factories and the Sackler family Opioid scandal. It is unrealistic to say to individuals, "You have to sort out that situation out by yourself and if you can't, you're the only one to blame".
Great post, Jade. Ultimately, the beds we're lying in are the beds we made for ourselves. Now I'll be the first to admit that the bed I inherited at childhood came with a list of privileges that many others never had. So I know not to judge anyone whose backgrounds are more challenging than my own, as I do not know if I'll have responded to their particular challenges in any better way. The bottom line, however, is that every individual still has the power to make their own beds as tidy as they possibly can, and not to mess it up through our/their own life choices.
Your comment reminds me of a quote from a Phineas and Ferb song (the song is called Carpe Diem, which means 'seize the day'). This quote is: "while you're waiting for the right time, your in it".
I think with a lot of people the victimhood mentality is good to them, because blaming other people for your problems, is more of an easy way out, than accepting the truth that you are the problem.
It’s easy, not good for you. Like a lot of easy things. Blaming others or even blaming yourself doesn’t solve problems. I’ve always figured that’s why the devil is known as the accuser or the Blamer. He doesn’t want us to have good things. He wants us to feel sustained by the act of shifting responsibility so we never get anything of worth done to God’s glory.
Well tbf in their case, the problem is an outdated form of government that could do with adapting to the modern world. Meghan being more “introspective” won’t change that.
@@TheNewblade1 clearly it does considering the big companies loved virtue signaling, and considering people who do this gain a victim mentality I'd say it benefits them a lot but not in the long run considering they'll be forever stuck in a delusion, that everyone else is the problem, but not them.
I am African and we are taught from childhood that we are responsible for our own actions so we don't really suffer from external locus stuff. But there's some people who rely too much on religion so I could use those ones as my study for external locus of control.
I don't know which African country you're from, but in mine, too many people rely on religious faith to determine their life trajectory. If something good or bad happens, it's attributed to God's will or to a spiritual attack from the devil, whichever is more appropriate. Let's not forget the belief in witchcraft and the idea that you have been struck by misfortune because someone gave you the evil eye. A prime example is the widespread belief that women with fertility issues have cursed wombs.
We had a similar Smollett case in Germany in 2021. A celebrity with Jewish background claimed to have been denied service in a hotel because his necklace with the David Star pendant was showing (the receptionist allegedly said "put that damn star away before I speak with you."). Sparking a huge discussion in news outlets if the German society is still or again antisemitic. The older the story got, the more it didn't make sense. The hotel came forward and denied the incident, supporting their employee who was blamed for the incident. Then security cam videos appeared and showed that this celebrity wasn't wearing a visible David Star around his neck. Then this celebrity claimed that the receptionist had recognised him and knew he was Jewish so that's why they denied him service (from my personal point of view: I know this celebrity exists, but I have never seen any of the shows he partakes in or what else he is famous for, hence I would have never known he's Jewish - not that I would mind for him to be, I don't know a single person here who says that they care if a person is Jewish or not). The more likely scenario (which was told by the receptionist and eye witnesses [other guests]) is that the celebrity wanted special treatment (allegedly the reception was crowded and he was in a rush and demanded to be served before the other guests) and his demand was declined by the receptionist. All in all, after the first huge outcry (Germany is antisemitic, this is a hate crime), people came to realise that this story is most likely made up and that celebrity lost all his credibility.
@@user-3w9jf4r5qzpedantic, much. I’m assuming English isn’t their first language (it’s probably German). Maybe focus on the broader lesson of the story: it’s wrong to claim to be a victim when you were in the wrong.
@@TheNewblade1 I don't think Karen's live on victim mentality though. They live on privilege mentality where they think that because they are a white woman, everyone should naturally treat them like queens. Anything less is oppression.
Personally, I think a country's culture also plays a role. I developed a victim mentality while I was living in the UK in my 20s. When I moved back to my home country (Germany), I had to unlearn that mindset again because a victim mentality is not something that is actively encouraged or rewarded here (exceptions to the rule probably exist but I'm talking in general). I've barely ever seen anyone have the kind of victimhood mindset that seems to be so common in the US. Maybe I'm just ignorant but in my opinion, it's not something that Germans value. So I think a country's overall culture has a big impact on whether victim mentality becomes a driving force in people's lives. Edit: Just to be clear, I'm not blaming the UK for my mindset. I could've chosen to stay away from it. However, cultural differences between the UK and Germany had an influence on how I saw the topic at different times in my life.
I have the exact same experience, but between the UK and Switzerland. I'm still in the UK and keep having to remind myself not to fall into the victimhood trap, and that most of the world isn't like this. It really is a much bigger cultural thing here than the rest of Europe, and I wonder how much of it is influenced by American/general Anglosphere discourse
as an Italian, in Italy there is a big culture of "at the end of the day it's all a magna magna", a lot of cynicism in the idea that we are stuck in a perpetual cycle that won't stop no matter what we do, but it is mainly direct against the institutions and the nation itself. I have notice generally speaking there's a much more negative mentality ,or better cynic, than at least the US, i would say Italians literally "believe" less than Americans. I'm not sure if this culture lead to a personal victim mindset but for sure it did it nation wise. Being hyper aware of all the corruption and issues has lead to acceptance that nothing can change and even the stereotypical concept of "dolce vita" that foreigners love soo much it's just realizing and accepting that simple life is good enough, that you shouldn't waste your time and just accept life as it is.
In middle America, which is more conservative, it is more like Germany as you describe. The more liberal parts of the country, have more of the whiney victim mentality and they tend to get more airtime. I find the perpetual victim to be a loathsome chacter and weak, a drain on society. Many people who actually are victims and had real trauma often rise above and shun that perspective.
What changed my victim mentality was exercise; specifically weight lifting. At month 4 of consistency I was finally seeing/feeling results I wanted. I realized how much control I had over my body and that I could have that over my mind and how my life played out as well with similar practice, discipline, and consistency.
Another problem is that 'victimhood' is being used by a lot of people. It is the best justification for anything. You can see the 'If you don't agree with my every word, then you're hateful and the aggressor' defense everywhere. It's an easy way out of any situation and shuts down a debate instantly by shifting the focus onto the character of the opponent instead of the actual topic of the debate. You don't have to think up arguments to win if you discredit your opponent by claiming that they hate you on principle, right? And this abuse of 'victimhood', in turn, worsens the situation of actual victims, like the false r*pe claims and the like. It's incredibly damaging not only on a personal, but on a societal level as well.
It definitely adds to the lack of critical thinking and productive civil discourse. Logic dictates you can't dismantle a person's argument based on their person, who they are or their history. One of the classic overused fallacies. And, I forget the term for this, there is a tendency to respond to what you think they mean, usually based on what you assume about them from what you know about them, rather than actually discussing what they said or what happened.
I forgot the exact wording, but I remember a saying along the lines of, "if everywhere you go there's a fire, maybe you're an arsonist". From experience, it's incredibly hard to claw out of a self-pitying hole. It's so much easier to throw your hands in the air and say, "this is just how it is, I can't do anything". Which, of course, is self perpetuating as well. Great stuff as always!
@@Flylikea Not oppressor; oppression. The builder does not see everything as nails, but his tool, the hammer, does. In the same way, the oppressor does not see everything as a victim, but oppression, the concept itself, sees all things as a victim. What does that mean exactly? I have no idea. Maybe it means the same thing Genesis 4:7 means when it says "sin is crouching at your door." Maybe it means we are carriers for the memetic virus of oppression, or perhaps more deeply, jealousy. Both amount to the same thing, are you aware and in control of your negative impulses? I wasn't really trying to be deep, I was more just riffing off of @legitlyspelunking's reply. Analogies can explain part of a puzzle, but they break down if stretched over enough of the puzzle.
Being a trans person, the community itself is built on external locus of control, and I used to believe my dysphoric suffering stemmed from transphobic politicians limiting hormones or transphobic people not seeing me as the sex I’m transitioning as, but once I took the step of actually transitioning with hormones and making my appearance look the way I internally view I realized that the idea of constantly blaming external factors only made my dysphoria and issues worse, and now more than ever do I feel more confident to take control of my life than I was a few months ago, and I believe this is something other trans people should learn and overcome
@@JuliaAmeliaWorth Bc that’s one of the tenants of Gender Ideology - perpetual victimhood. I’m glad you were able to see past that. Society at large doesn’t hate trans people. It’s the loud, obnoxious, and hateful trans people who spread not only victimhood but their propaganda. For instance they say sex is a social construct but then say kids are trans bc boys like dolls or girls like to be aggressive. I truly believe only people like yourself with gender dysphoria are trans. I get called transphobic bc of that. I have a lot of sympathy and respect for the actual trans community. I just don’t respect those spreading nonsense to kids and confusing them. I’m gay and so thankful this insidious ideology wasn’t around when I was a kid.
I had a victim mentality when I was younger, blaming others in my life was the easiest option. But as i grew older i realised that I was being unfair. I stopped blaming other's and took accountability for my own actions, while still acknowledging what other's could have done better and frankly feel much better about life now.
*THANK YOU* for talking about these messy yet dangerous problems. Career Victims and their "Weaponized Empathy" is a huge problem that hurts everyone and it needs to be called out. 🎉
Back in the 90’s I was deep into the “grunge” culture, which if you’ve ever listened to the lyrics, basically turns blaming other people for your own misery into an art form. I definitely had a horrible childhood, so I related to the anger and aggression. But at a certain point I realized that being a “survivor of abuse” had become a pride point and my whole life had been reduced to my identity as a victim. I realized that if I ever hoped to live the life I wanted for myself I had to give up the identity. I stopped asking people to not do things I found triggering. I accepted that realistically, I needed to adapt to the world rather than ask it to adapt to me. Yes, I have to be tougher and more self aware than someone from a different background. No, it’s not fair. So freaking what? I can either rise to the circumstances of my life and seize the day or I can leap head first into the garbage disposal of self pity. I’ve tried both options, and I can tell you, only one leads to happiness. I would not trade my life now for the life I was living in my twenties for anything. Self pity is literally the most destructive emotion in the world.
This locus of control concept has been around for decades. I learnt it back in the late 90s by reading a bunch of magazines for U.S. college students and applicants. It's funny how it became forgotten and is now hiding in occasional, not very well-known studies. Thank you for bringing it back. I grew up in Russia a family that firmly believed that the world was against us, but that was the reason why we needed to work extra-hard and to accumulate every advantage we could - basically, the goal was to beat our competitors in the game that favored them. And I thought that this self-improvement, do-your-very-best mentality came from the West. I was very much surprised, having immigrated to the U.S., to discover that the society seemed to cheer for those who complained the loudest, while (the society) often being downright hostile towards successful people, even when their success was very much self-made.
I’m still unlearning my victim mentality to take back control of my life. It really isn’t talked about enough HOW hard it is to reprogram your brain to take accountability and personal responsibility after years, if not a lifetime, of blaming everyone but yourself whenever something goes wrong. Thanks for talking about this though and calling it out for what it is!!
You’re right personally I wasn’t raised with a victim mentality atleast not a lot of it and I could certainly fit into all these other groups (minority poor, disadvantaged whatever) but my girlfriend who comes from much better circumstances then me is much more complains much more, I notice she blames others and cause far more problems for us she’s in the process of taking accountability of her life and thankfully she is very good at listening to the things I teach her and has come a long way in the 6 years we have been together her family mother and father have very bad mental issues but anyways story is from watching her escaping and reprogramming your brain and taking accountability after living and growing up in that sort of mindset is a huge obstacle but it can be done and I’m proud that you’re undertaking the journey to better yourself good luck ❤
I have PTSD and one of the most important things I had to learn was that it is not my fault that it happend but it is my responsibility to deal with my symptoms. I have to take care of myself and can not expect others to know my triggers. It has become a lot easier to navigate life since I have let the bitterness of victimhood go. I am a survivor.
This video really did speak to a lot of my issues. I was raised in a very religious family. The concept of some central figure controlling you/watching you really did give me an external locus of control that got in the way of my happiness in all walks of life. It wasn't until a few years ago, watching my brother and how he moved and how ppl saw him. He used the belief system we learned growing up to gain a more internal locus of control. Instead of seeing this central figure as controlling, this central figure was just truly omnipotent and he was free to live and do as he pleased. As I move forward towards my goals I need to kind of retrain myself that no, me failing an exam was not a punishment, but rather me simply not studying enough. Of course there is a balance in between the due but you have to give yourself the best shot possible to live a happy and good life.
I was also raised in a very religious family, and this is a battle that I have had to learn how to navigate. It is interesting how we can perceive the teachings we are taught differently - similar to yourself, I feel that I developed an external locus of control based on my religious framework. As a result of this I developed an attitude of self-denial, I was out of touch with my own needs because I was always thinking about what I should do or what God would want me to do. On the other hand, my sister and others raised in the same faith, appear to have developed an internal locus of control and seem more in touch with their own wants.
Right when I graduated high school I definitely had a victim mentality type of thinking. Often I would blame others on why I can't get a relationship going, often. I would blame the universe for me not having money. Then one day I came to the realization that maybe people aren't dating me because I may be part of the problem. A few years later changing my mentality and how I think I'm now less depressed, I have more money, and a wonderful boyfriend. Life's much better now. So I'll never understand why people want to stick with that mentality and think that it's okay. When I thought that way I was just constantly tired. Tired of everything, I thought the world was against me and I couldn't do anything about it. Changing that way of thinking made me feel more in charge. Definitely much happier so I'm happy I was able to learn that at a young age rather than wasting more of my life being tired.
Honestly I've noticed that even if you ARE a victim of circumstances or wrongdoings of others, adopting victim mentality is still not helpful to get your life together and move on to better things. It might help as a coping mechanism at first to keep (certain kind of) people from breaking apart and if it does that's fine, but after a certain point it always starts adding to the problem instead of helping.
Taking responsibility also has its slippery slopes. If you’re mentally unhealthy and you blame yourself for everything, it can lead you down a dark path. Some people ( I assume) completely abandon that attitude for the victim mentality. Because it’s easier. It feels like you’re overcoming your self deprecating thoughts, but it’s not actually good for you. The more difficult path is balancing yourself. Taking responsibility, occasionally realizing some things are out of your control, avoid putting yourself in sticky situations, and to never expect handouts/help from others. Once you start expecting sympathy and get hooked on the victim treatment it’s hard to stop. The people around you may play along at first, but being around a self-victimizing person gets tiring. Life only has hope and meaning if you give it hope and meaning. Otherwise you’re just going along with the echo-chamber of victim hood
I like your appreciation of balance. Sometimes things are truly out of your control and that sucks, but what matters is that you don't blame yourself or the world(for too long at least😂😂) and you move forward. Difficulties are part of life, you just have to keep moving.
I do not know how you did it but you put my feelings into words perfectly. I don’t think things always be either or, my mom always say play your part, pay your due diligence and wait to watch if Mother Earth does too. Because for example I am epileptic and of course it’s my duty to take medication, not indulge in drugs and rest yet I still have seizures every now and then and I find that it is incredibly unhealthy when I just blame myself because it just then feels like a losing game. But if I balance then it makes more sense.
People with internal locus of control don't think they're Gods, they also understand some things are not in their control the difference is they don't have a habbit of constantly blaming the world for all their problems they take responsibility for their own decisions
I used to deal with really bad anxiety. The smallest things would trigger it, even when it wasn’t a personal attack and it would start this cycle of thinking worse things like “I don’t want to be stuck in this job forever!” Or “why am I here but others arent,” What’s funny is what got me out of it was my friends mom who does tarot readings (I like tarot, it’d help reassure me even if it didn’t come true,) and she’s a proper psychic. She looked over some cards I pulled for myself when I asked “why am I stuck?” And I couldn’t interpret them. The general message she bluntly said was “you’re playing the victim. Woe is me, why do they get that and I don’t. They got there because they worked for it. Life isn’t fair so make it work for you. You have a bright future ahead of you,” and it created the instant shift in my mentality because she was right. I had been playing the victim and that’s what my anxiety was. So I started changing my mindset and within a year, ran a Kickstarter which was successful, started an online business, began writing a book series and managed to accomplish more things I could’ve imagined in two years alone. I mellowed out my anxiety exponentially although it still effects me, but I will say, being aware of the control you have and understanding you can receive the answers to your internal questions was a lot easier when you gain that agency over yourself. I never realized I was playing victim, until someone told me flat out.
For me it boils down to this... God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I had more of a victim mentality during Hs, specifically about feminism and just any sort of social justice. What changed for me was having my mother abuse drugs and alcohol and realizing just how annoying it is! How it literally does nothing for the person and makes everyone around them miserable because instead of working on the issue of why you’re addicted (or a victim of the patriarchy) it’s just easier to say the world hates you and nothing is your fault. Because then you wouldn’t have to do the work, to change yourself and change the world.
That's what I love about you though - you don't go all political, you just use COMMON SENSE! I swear it's a lost ideal these days online. Brilliant video ❤
Tbh I think making everything political is a very American thing and since Patience is from the UK and Europe, it's so refreshing. Ex. when she talked about The Little Mermaid and that Noah guy made it all political when it didn't have to be.
It takes maturity to take some responsibly to a negative outcome to an action made because there is also a possibility that a person will be "frozen" in place and afraid to take any steps in fear of negative consequences. This is where analysis will come handy.
At some point during highschool, around 2012, i began feeling ashamed and ebarassed of having a good home life seemingly out of nowhere. For some time i had felt the strong urge to put myself through some sort of struggle in order to both fit in with my peers and avoid my feelings being dismissed as coming from a person who hasnt truly struggled. It all sounds silly now and ive grown out of this idea and mindset, but i have always wondered where i got that idea in the first place. Definetly not from my parents lol they have an internal locus
Interesting video! I started to become more successful at work (and got rid of my crippling depression/anxiety) after I was diagnosed autistic. This meant I realised it was me, not everyone else. That wasn't to say that I just gave up, it's more that I realised I had things to work on but also that I wasn't actually broken by the world. I stopped caring what everyone else thought as a result and just became "me" with warts and all. The difference was weirdly measurable, and I wish everyone could have that experience.
My sister has victim mentality and it is awful not only for her but to everyone around her. It's torture! She is never ever accountable for anything bad that happens to her, she is always sad and miserable, and she is always a victim. Even when we state clear actions that could help her, she doesn't do anything just keeps being passive victim. She wasn't like that, I don't know what happened. She was very intelligent, funny af, smart and sharp. Suddenly she turned into that whiny person who blames everyone for everything in her life, sees everything from dark, depressing perspective and is desperate, depressed, miserable and at the same time demanding most of the time, like we all need to save her and help her when anything bad happens. She just wont do anything herself, we just all need to save her because we "owe" her that. I am getting really sad and tired and scared I will never get my sister the way she once was... this victim mentality is horrible and destructive, but it seems to be addictive to people who accept that mentality. Just stay away from it, it will just bring you and everyone who cares about you total misery.
Probably due to heavy use of social media. I mean it seriously, not as a joke. I made a tumblr account back in 2013 and i can feel being dragged in negatity, maybe the same thing happened to ur sister
@@niemand98 that could be true, but she won't go to the doctor or therapists either. We tried that first, and she refuses. Of course, I was hoping a professional would help but as I wrote she refuses anything we suggest including that. I mean, she has been to few, but decided to ditch them because they "don't know anything". I am out of solutions.
@@biljam972 so sorry you deal with this and its completely unfair to you and your family. I once dealt with a victim mentality and it's like extreme inferiority to the point of ignoring/not recognizing that other people have needs and also deal with shit too. I went off to college this year and was away from family for the first time. I had time to think to myself and think ab who I was and recognized that I've been aware of how miserable I was and how it was making ppl feel which instigated a new loop. (skip to last paragraph if you just want the more concise answer, since I rambled a lot lol) I would say that recently I've started talking to myself kinder, and reaffirming my mind-saying things such as, "if you like it, than I love it..." or "I love you [insert my name] because of [list of reasons]" and generally trying to engage more with my personal hobbies. I would also say that the worst thing for me during my "victimhood" era was people generally telling me what how to "be better"... I feel that the one of the things I needed during that time was for my family to ask me "why do you think you're like this? and are you happy? why/why not?" but also high school was pretty stressful too soooo... idk the solution. she just needs to hate being a victim and believe that there is more out there for her. maybe remind her that there's more out there for her and that she can take all the time in the world and that taking baby steps is good enough and that she can fall as many times as she wants and that she should focus on making herself proud and being good to the child that exists inside of her mind.
So I have been full on stuck in victim mode for a long time. But instead of blaming others, I blamed myself. I didn't take chances and stopped caring for myself, because I was always going to find a way to screw things up and shouldn't bother bettering myself. Went and saw my doctor about a recurring health issue, and he asked me about my exercise and the way I eat. Admitted I stopped doing any of that awhile ago, my onset of my autoimmune disease and worsening depression just eventually drained me of any desire I had to put work into myself and my life. And what did this elderly doctor say to me? "I don't mean to be insensitive. But many people are going through this same exact this. You can push through it and thrive, or you can give up. So I suggest you push through." It's a hard pill to swallow but it's true. So I started again today trying to get my old lifestyle back, and this time need to keep moving forward instead of stopping whenever I stumble. It's such a mind fuck, but you have to actively work against the thoughts keeping you down. I love the sources and choice of words you used. I still consider myself to be liberal, but sometimes you have to help yourself before helping others ☺️
This hits home because minus the autoimmune disease, EVERYTHING you wrpte here is copy and paste, the story of my LIFE like holy shit 😭. I only just started eating well and it definitely has started to impact things more but I still struggle with giving up after I stumble
The battle between external and internal controls/responsibilitys when it comes to learning disabilitys or neurodivergents is a real mine field. Theres that real line of between blaming the LD and taking responsibility for the LD
I think part of growing up is learning to see the world in a nuanced way, shaped by both individual and collective efforts. As a psych major myself, I agree with you about the victim mentality. I also think we need to invest in social policies, especially education, to stay competitive in the global market.
Children are the ultimate example of why personal responsibility can't solve every problem. Out of curiosity, when you say "invest in social policies, especially education" what specifically do you think we should change about education?
@@jasonsomers8224 I think classes that help build self-sufficient skills. I mean in elementary we have exercises and game that help build team work and social skills. I'm thinking classes like home tech, governmental studies, mechanics, etc, classes that tend to only be special electives in high school. They had a class that taught you how to do your taxes and everything related with paperwork but it was only a elective that only a few were able to get.
@@LazGato makes sense. A lot of things learned in school are never used and a lot of practical things for adult personal responsibility are not taught often.
@@jasonsomers8224 Education is a great example of internal vs external locus. You might not have the opportunity to go to an elite school or college, or you might not have encouragement at home- but you can study hard where you are and try to find other pathways. But having said that, good quality teaching and support at home does help. Education is also a huge determinant of social mobility. People who finish high school, or even better, have a tertiary qualification, are likely to earn more. They need to ensure kids can learn safely, have the maerials they need, that good teachers are in all schools and that every kid has a pathway into training or university if they want it. Training and university also needs to be affordable. Education for girls, including comprehensive sex education, is particularly important because women are often the gatekeepers to family health and empowering them opver their sexuality will result in less unplanned pregnancies being born into poverty and women staying in the workforce if they want to
She made an excellent point in explaining the difference between "underdog" and "victim." I'd add to that by writing that another reason victim mentality has become more common is that people like this type are being enabled by the media, politicians, policymakers, social media addicts, and activists. There are too many people now who allow and encourage this kind of mentality and in some cases, REWARD them for foisting their sad-sack attitudes on the rest of us. It's much easier to blame external forces for your problems. Not taking responsibility for your own actions, attitude, thoughts absolves you of anything, and you can walk away with "clean" hands. I grew up in a culture where victim mentality is NOT tolerated. If the individual fails, you get up and try again and again until you succeed. You're taught to take responsibility for your actions, to think about the effects of your behaviour on the larger society, on your family. If a schoolmate was slower than others or not as quick on the draw about things, they were encouraged by other schoolmates and teachers to not give up, to keep trying (of course, there were a few bullying schoolmates and teachers, but for the most part, more encouragement than discouragement). Either way, you were never tutted and stroked like you were the "poor wittle" victim that needed to be treated with kid gloves. I did tend to internalise things to such a degree, I was really hard on myself (still am, to a certain point), but I never, ever saw myself as a victim. I saw others who did externalise more and who tried blaming others for their own mistakes. But they were put right by others who would not, did not, put up with this "it's not me, it's them" mentality. People weren't afraid to "tell it like it is" a few years ago. That's the other difference now. These days, too many people immediately side with the put-upon person - without verfication, without looking to see if the sob story they're being told is true - and then they go on social media to spread said story, it;s picked up and spread around like it's truth. By the time the ACTUAL TRUTH comes out, it's too late. Human nature is such that its always loved scandal, misfortune (on others, not on oneself), anything disastrous or salacious. Another reason that victim mentality has now been elevated as never before, enabled by those in power and by ordinary citizens, thanks to the rise of the internet and within it, social media. Too many, like Jessie Smollett, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, Amber Heard, just to name an infamous few, use this to their (perceived) advantage: More publicity means more money (Smollett), a way to bolster a career that never amounted to much (Markle), and revenge and financial gain (Heard). It's gotten worse and worse because humans always want to take things to extremes. I don't see this changing because it's so much easier to be the victim and get oodles of sympathy than it is to try and actually improve your mental and physical health by your own merit.
I find this topic really interesting. The first thought I had that's related the topic of locus of control is a famous saying/mantra or rather a mindset we have in my country. I'm from a highly religious (mostly Catholic) country and with that you would think that an external locus of control would be promoted but not really. Our saying "Nasa Diyos ang awa nasa tao ang gawa" translates to "God has mercy while man has the ability to do" meaning you can't expect god to give you something without doing anything. Another saying we have "bahala na" *bahala* from the word *bathala* meaning **God* is the equivalent of "Jesus take the wheel" which is a mindset that is frowned upon unless it's something that is way away from your control. Hehehe I'm sorry for the language and religious lecture it's just how I related this topic to my culture. 😅
I had witnessed first had how polarizing internal vs. external locus of control was in my first semester of college. I had two roommates, both had happened to lose their mothers at a young age. One, when she was 7 and the other, when she was 9. The first roommate basically based her personality on that tragedy in her life. She was extremely depressed, locked in her room almost constantly. The anniversary of her moms death, she wrote “Never forget” on our whiteboard in the apartment and sulked the whole day. On the other hand, the second roommate, was an excellent student, social and overall, very bubbly. It was just wild to me to see how they could experience something so similar, but chose to live very different lives.
If anything it hurts the person doing it the most, because they are giving up their own agency in the situation and putting everything on an outside source. In reality most of your problems can be solved in some way by you if you work hard enough, with exceptions of course.
I used to have a victim mentality. I blamed my traumatic childhood. What made me lose that mentality was realizing that I couldn’t keep blaming the world for all my problems, and that if I wanted to be successful, I had to accept responsibility for my actions, and take control of my life. Therapy helped a lot lol.
Its good to understand that awful or traumatic events may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility to do something about how you deal with it. On the other hand thinking you control everything and only having an internal locus of control, studies have found, also make you much more susceptible to burnout and also overly blaming yourself when things dont go the way you planned or bad things happen. Its good to have balance and realize that yes, some things ARE out of our control. In fact a lot of things are. Currently dealing with this myself and went into overdrive of control for many years of my life and 'being the best version of myself' after traumatic childhood events and going to therapy. Always kept going and never looked back after. This can also result into unhealthy copingmechanisms and not loving yourself or even self hate. Always looking inward into what you couldve done differently (even when others are at fault or how you couldve avoided certain situations) is not healthy or loving towards yourself. I think speaking up if someone crosses your boundaries or if you see injustice is very important. You should be in the middle somewhere between left and right. Brushing something off and saying 'life is unfair just work harder', is not a really healthy mindset i think. Even if its true, that doenst mean we shouldnt strive towards a better world with more understanding towards eachother and creating more community-oriented societies. The individualistic mindset is not how humans innately are meant to operate.
Switching from an external to an internal locus of control allowed me to beat a 12 year heroin addiction. I had a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and due to some childhood abuse i would victimize myself and forgo accountability using that trauma as an excuse. Realizing that it was my decision to keep using or not was the biggest factor in getting clean.
Incredible video So many issues in our world can be explained by victim mentality from social issues to geopolitical issues I will also add that it's hard to get out of this mentality, and it's even harder to get out as a group of this mentality.
Great video! I can see the growing victim appreciation in the school system which can somethings lead to tragic-comical situations when several wannabe victims clash and there isn't just enough patience and compassion to go around at some point. Some young people even compete for the biggest victim role and start faking mental disorders etc. It's gotten out of control.
so many kids diagnose themselves with mental health disorders like it's a badge of honour. If they knew what it was like to have a mental illness they wouldn't want one.
I really enjoyed your insightful analysis on the distinction between the underdog and the victim, it really resonates with the contemporary social media culture we all live in. Brilliant work as always. ❤
Very good and informative video! I used to be part of this problem. I thought I didn't do anything wrong and that everybody was against me. This is what my mother was always telling me.When I was in highschool I started to notice her behaviour. She was blaming everyone else, except for herself, altough many times she was the main core of the problem. The more I talked to her, the more I observed, the more I realise how terrible of a person she is and how she is ruining her own life... And that she'd thought me to do the same! It was a hard truth, but I took it and changed myself. Few years have passed, now she is even worse, than she was before, and I am happy, I can deal with my problems myself and I know who's to blame [and it is not "always the outside world"]. But paradoxically my change wouldn't be possible, if it wasn't for her, because the biggest shift happened when SHE told me that nobody cares about my problems. It made me stop wailing and got a grip on my life. Because since nobody cares, then maybe I should care. How sad she never takes anyones advices, not even her own ones.
The part about external locusts of control is true. You'll never be happy when trying to balance things outside of your own mind and body. So best to seek internal balance .
Great video! You hit the nail on the head in many ways. This is why leadership and self-leadership skills are so important to learn early on, and this is why sports can be very important in early development. I'm a 52-year-old white male. I was a leader on my high school sports teams (football and baseball) and later on professional teams (corporate America), and I quickly learned to strip away blaming others because no one gives AF about a leader who blames others. All that matters are results, and all you are left with is accountability for yourself and your teams' actions. You cannot make excuses or take a moment off. Leadership is the hardest job in the world, especially when leadership is missing so badly these days. Many days I did not "feel" like leading or taking ownership, but that doesn't matter either. You just do it. That's why none of this anti-white rhetoric lately (on Twitter, etcetera) bothers me because I'm a self-leader, and I have a strong internal locus of control and self-leadership, and I just keep rockin' on.
I see comments saying "no one wants to be a victim" to which I say yeah that's technically true. No one wants to be an actual victim of anything but some poeple want to be seen as them for clout.
I used to have a victim mentality in high School and it almost destroyed my life. I left my control to fate and didn't put in effort into anything. I remember feeling helpless about situations almost all the time so I always did things half-hearted because I felt that if they would work out, they will and if they won't they won't. I isolated myself and began to perform badly in almost everything I did, including things I excelled in as a child. i also began to feel jealous of my mates who excelling and always wondered why I wasn't born into their fate. And instead of placing effort to improve I rather tried to discourage them to my level. I was angry with the world for how bleak my life looked. But thanks be to God that those days are behind me. I don't know the exact thing that made me wake up but then I doing small things like studying God's word(the bible) for myself and reading and watching stories of real people who excelled even difficult situation and I also got help (therapy). It didn't take days or months but rather years of dedication, improvements and shortfalls. But now when I look back at my past self who left myself for fate and the person I am today, there is big difference in mindset, personality and behaviour. I personally feel like the victim mentality is not only a problem in the Western countries (Europe and America) but it is also strong in my dear continent, Africa. Colonization ended a long time ago and if you look at the mindset of our forefathers who led us to independence and our politicians now it is just sad. The situation has made us, the youth apathetic and embracing the victim mentality. I liked the fact that you talked about a research from South Africa and I will really love it if you did another take on victim mentality on African countries like Ghana, Nigeria and others.
Success and failure in life is both external and internal. The bad thing about internal locus of control is that if something bad happens to someone, it is all their fault, therefore they deserve whatever happens to them, when it just as well was bad luck. Good luck also plays a role in success, no matter how hard working or talented (A trait that also is pure luck) they may be.
As someone with autism who didnt have the best parents and having been in the system since childhood, i've always found it funny that we are taught how detrimental the victim mentality is to someone with a psychiatric diagnosis(Since we are at a way higher risk of developing one) but it's rewarded constantly in media.
this was very enlightening, I don't think I've ever had a case of victim mentality that affected how I thought of all areas of my life and others' but I've certainly had it when it comes to my mental health. The problem is that its like a toxic cycle, a victim mentality is likely to get you depressed and when you're depressed you're also more likely to think the entire world is against you, you can't achieve anything positive anyways, etc. But it's absolutely true that this leads to an unfullfilling life, if you don't believe yourself to be capable of changing your outcome then how can you achieve anything? you're likely to not try for something good but challenging to begin with. I've been working on taking accountability and control of my life for a while but this video inspired me even more to do so. Therapy taught me how many tools there are with which I can improve my wellbeing, I might not be able to eliminate my depression entirely but it's in my hands to make living with it as bearable as possible and not let it dictate how I live my life. As I've learned this and e.g suceeded at improving by intentionally thinking positively/arguing against bad thoughts, I find it very difficult to talk to people who are also in a bad mental health spot who don't believe themselves to be capable of changing their situation at all. I know that kind of thinking is a symptom so you can't blame them for developing it, but its in them to get rid of it. You're the only person who can change your mental health and life for the better, you have to want it and choose it. For someone who I guess naturally leans more towards an external locus of control though, working against it isn't easy. You have to make a choice against that type of thinking every day in every situation, I hope as time passes an internal locus of control will get easier for me and maybe even come naturally at one point.
This video was great, Patience! 😊 I think that having an external or internal locus of control also relates to having a growth or fixed mindset. Having an external locus means that you also believe you can improve on and grow your skills through the control and power that you have in yourself, and having an internal locus also means that you feel you cannot change your circumstances because you are fixed in your one state forever and other forces are impacting you 🩷
my victim mentality was most likely learned from my parents and i got out of it when i was feeling very depressed, no will to live and a friend lectured me to basically stop feeling sorry for myself. i was very co dependent on my best friend and she was distant all of a sudden when lockdown hit (the second or third time in 2021) and i couldnt stop being like “poor me im so lonely” instead of just thinking that even though we are best friends she has her own life, she still doesnt owe me anything and just because she is distant doesnt mean she hates me. it took a whole month of crying and talking to myself to just come to terms with that. turns out she didnt hate me at all and once i got better she explained all the stuff that was going on with her. i felt so much shame that in my mind i tried to paint her as the bad guy. my whole self development journey started from there. i’ll always be grateful for that one friend who told me the truth and not just what i wanted to hear. she is one of the main people who played a huge part in me changing as a person. since then my political views also changed! strange how all it takes is your own mindset to change then suddenly your world view changes…
SHES BACK! I could cry lmao. I found your vids last week and binged all of them and thought I was gonna have to wait a while for a new one. Thank god that was not the case lmao
I use to have a victim mentality until I stopped grouping myself with people bc we shared the same identities. (Like being a black women etc). I would say my spiritual journey, my family and even KS really helped me take accountability for myself. My family are immigrants from JA and they have been able to build an amazing life off of their own merits. This in turn inspired me along with the other things mentioned that the power is ultimately in my own hands. It has always raised the question of what age does one become responsible for their position in life. Like when does the transfer from childhood trauma stop being an excuse for bad behaviour.
Growing up I definitely felt like the victim whether it was of bullying from people at school or my brothers but I think some of the things that helped me combat this the most is Atheism and getting on anti-depressant medication. These two things have been very significant moments in my life. Realising that I am not one of 'god's' precious little beings, perfect and in his design. But just a clump of atoms and energy that happened by chance. Feeling less significant in the universe has made me feel so unbelievably good. I would study the universe and planets and how inexplicably small we are in the grand scheme of things and that made myself and my problems feel so insignificant which was wonderful. I also have hereditary depression so I was very predisposed to negativity and pessimism, mostly thinking others thought and said negative things about me but taking care of my chemical imbalance allowed me to be in control of my emotions rather than controlled by my emotions. All of this sounds very cold and emotionless and yet I am one of the most emotional people I know, but sometimes these cold hard facts and fixing things with evidence and science and not trying to overcomplicate everything with emotions really helps me feel responsible for myself. Not a single person in my life, past, present or future, is responsible for me being a good and stable person. Only me. Another factor I think was losing my best friends from them just not wanting to be friends with me anymore. That was something I just had to take on and deal with no matter how heartbreaking it was, I'm not owed closure and that is okay. Things happen at random and by chance and it's okay for bad shit to happen because good shit happens all the time too. It's just the randomness of life. We can only control our own actions. So be nice and treat others how you'd want to be treated and things will feel less like they happen unto you and more like they happen because that's just life and your own actions that led to it.
Last year i was diagnosed with somatic pain, for the first 6 months i blamed life, my parents, society. The outcome was devastating i saw my mother cry everyday, i saw my father being depressed for the first time, i started becoming scared of homeless people because i saw my self in them. BUT one night i decided to change the things i had power over "my family's stability", by ignoring the pain. Now my family still supports me but they are strong and i do feel strong when i see them happy. We always do hold a part of responsibility for our life.
Patience girl I am begging you, please post more often. I will literally sell my left lung to get a video from you once a week. I love hearing your views on various issues.
Another well-researched, well thought out, and well-presented video. Great work, Patience. I always enjoy, and learn something from your content. Thank you.
Nailed it! I worked in a long(er) term addiction treatment facility for a decade. It was my job as a case manager to help the patients clean up legal/financial wreckage as best they could and set them up to start over as functioning adults. I kept hearing from them they got so much more out of appts with me than their therapists. I wasn't anything special, I just focused on them living life on life's terms, offered resources and sometimes re-education on how society works, and demanded they show up and do their part. Regardless of past trauma and mental health. Often the messes they found themselves in were due to bad choices made while in active addiction, and the only way out of the hole was to yes get help to end the active addiction but also to learn the difference between what was "done to them" and what they did to themselves. Its how we all learn. Fred implied it was ok to touch that hot stove so i did. It burned me. Ok Fred shouldn't have but I now know I shouldn't listen to Fred, I should never touch a hot stove again. I can't blame Fred if I do it again.
Patience, you're spot on once again. The world can only take away our personal agency if we agree to it. Like the story goes, you have to welcome the vampire over the threshold.
I have spaces in me where victimhood mentality still resides, but I have also broken free from a few shackles in other spaces. Primarily in my personal relationships with friends or family or lovers- I began to see common patterns of outcomes (or at least my perspective of the outcomes), and upon analysis, just like you said, I realised the common denominator was me and I began to take a hard look at those patterns and I realised that I allowed myself to be taken for granted, I did not set personal boundaries and was used to having those boundaries ignored (my mother shared this pattern with me as well). So due to personal childhood experiences, I picked this behaviour up. When I realised this pattern, I realised that I was giving others so much power over my self-worth in my mind- that my own mind lost its agency- that I’ve given away my agency. Since then I was like “check the mirror first dearie, what does THAT girl want, that girl is you” and setting boundaries for myself, because I can only control me. I achieved this path from reading spiritual (not religious) teachers and meditating. When I meditated it connected me with my body and developed my mind’s ability to choose what stimulus I would like to enter my mind through meditation and choose when to put it out of my mind and focus on my breath. Once I realised that I had the ability to choose what I let into my emotional, mental and physical space - I felt confident enough to do that to break psychological patterns and conditioning which doesn’t benefit the life I choose to have. Since then my mental and emotional health has improved so much, I’m laughing and dancing more, I’m still breaking my own patterns as I see them, some have been broken and some may remain there (both good and bad), but I no longer feel so helpless and with each pattern broken, I feel less and less helpless. ❤❤❤❤ Thank you for posting this video, it prompted me to keep breaking through psychological barriers 🙂
Wow! You're a very smart person! Your analysis of this phenomenon is spot-on. And also very pretty! 💜 Enjoyed your video, and look forward to hearing more of your engaging analyses in the future.
You are wonderful. It is sad how rare it is to find an intelligent and educated and non-hateful opinion, but here I find your channel and I thank you sincerely for your much needed viewpoint.
Another wonderful discussion. The Botswana interview supports something I heard a very long time ago about studies that were done on happiness. The subjects ranged from people of great privilege to paraplegics. The researchers were interested to understand how some paraplegics could be happy while some with great privilege could be unhappy. They concluded that the key to happiness was a feeling of being in control of ones life. It had little to do with the externalities of full physical capability or wealth, but rather had to do with the person's mindset and ability to achieve realistic goals they had set for themselves.
Just a comment for the algorithm 🕊 Keep up the good work. Your parents must be so proud of your poise and eloquence. Wishing you and your channel every success!
One of the things that hidradenitis suppurativa taught me is that I can’t control everything, but I can still try to control some key factors and make good choices, in order to make things better. Even when things are mostly out of your control, you must take the reins and lead your own life. That’s the way you take care of yourself. There’s a reason why health issues cause anxiety and depression: the feeling of being powerless. Taking the reins gives you back that power, at least partially. You may still have HS, depression and anxiety, but at least you are making your life better for yourself and your loved ones. Sending love from Italy! ❤️
I have known since I was in middle school (I'm now 39) that being a victim comes with special treatment and an easier road in many scenarios. I don't embrace it as a means of living for myself because I don't like not having agency over my life. It is true that certain circumstances require outside forces, such as with my small business - I needed my first few customers to take a chance on what I do and offer in order to get the ball rolling. But I still viewed that as something I had to make happen by showing up, networking, talking about what I do on social media and in real life to everyone I meet, and by not giving up. I would rather take the reins than be at the mercy of people's hearts, so this is why I don't play victim and why my husband and I discourage our kids from doing that.
This is an excellent take on victim mindset. While I don't consider myself a victim in many ways, through this video, I do think it's shown some areas I may be still holding on to victimhood. It's opened my eyes. Great commentary.
This was sooo insightful and well thought out Patience. I am the youngest of seven, now adults, and our family had a lot of brokenness and abuse in different forms. Two of my older siblings also helped perpetuate forms of abuse on some of us as well. Of the seven of us, those who were abused, than perpetuated abuse onto others are the most lost and broken of us all. My one brother was unbearable to hear him complain about his woe is me life. I on the other hand was fortunate to both break the cycle of abuse and victimhood. I did have to reconcile in my young adult years that I was a victim. But now that I am a mother myself, even though I know some of my mistakes and faults can be traced to my childhood, I absolutely take responsibility for my problems in my marriage and as a parent. Parenting is for sure the hardest thing I have done, and I know I have some predispositions maybe others wouldn't have because of my past. But no one else is to blame when I lose my temper with my kids, or get mad at my husband and don't handle it well. My mom also loves to play the victim blame game and I never want to put that on my kids. They are not responsible for my emotions not matter how they behave, they are children, it is my job as their mother to steer their behavior towards right, not get mad at them and make them feel guilty because they upset me. Ugh, annoys me just thinking about grown ass adults blaming everyone else for their problems.
Extra point: while internal locus of control has better outcomes, it's also important to not let it go to the extreme. Some people can become too hard on themselves, which isn't great either. You can't always control what happens to you, but you can always control how you respond to it, and your responses are usually what shape your journey. Take self responsibility and control over your life, but also accept that sometimes it won't always work out exactly how you want it to, and there are some things that are out of your hands; but rather than allow self pity and resentment to consume you, choose to learn from it, and use what you learnt to move you forward.
Tnx. I needed this point there somewhere. Its not all rainbows and unicorns
@@turtleriley Honey it's a real, scientifically proven mental trait not a diagnosis. Haven't you ever met anyone with a worldview that the world is against them and that is why nothing works out for them? That is an extreme example but ofc such ppl exist. Just like more exist ppl more open to new experiences, extraverts, introverts and so on the same way ppl tend to place blame on a person or on the outside circumstances. When I was studying the subject we've got shown a car crushed in some dumb situation to check if our first thought was "stupid driver" or "it must have been icy" - the difference exists.
You're racist
Totally agree that there is a balance (It's one of the points that popped into my head as I listened to your video). By looking at both external and internal points we can learn to work on the things that we can and also the ways to move past/manage/heal from the things that are outside of our control.
I Love you so muc! Your work is awesome babe 💕
I had a victim mindset, I grew up with an abusive mother and always thought, “why should I be responsible for cleaning up my life when she was the one who ruined it?” Until I went to therapy. After months of complaining my therapist said this,
“If you have people over at a party and someone knocks over the vase and it breaks, that person SHOULD clean it up and replace it. But if they don’t, then what? Are you gonna walk around a house with glass shards in ur feet to stick it to the person who didn’t clean up the mess? No, in the end you just clean it up. If someone breaks a vase in ur home it’s their fault and should clean it up, but at the end of the day it’s YOUR house and you are responsible for the quality and care you put into it.”
Another big experience that changed for me was my political science professor. At the time I was a hard socialist leftist. He told me something I’ll never forget.
“ you are operating from the way the world ‘ought’ to be and not from the way the world actually is. There is a difference between the way the world ought to be and the way it actually is, and the sooner you accept that, the less outraged you will be, the more you will protect yourself and your own interests, and from the opinions and judgment of others.”
I think a lot of leftists/liberals are consumed with the way the world ‘ought’ to be. And they can’t function in the reality of how the world really works.
Facts. This is educational for me right now
I think ur point is indirectly wrong. If that makes sense. This is how the world works. That’s true. No point in being upset all the time if it’s not gonna change. But that doesn’t mean because something “is,” it “should” be.
@@cryocriminal_1019 fair. But then you have to work towards making it better (I am guilty of sitting on my hands. I need to volunteer in my community and remember what it is all about)
Wow! Thank you for sharing this
Indeed
My victim mentality disapeared the moment someone dared to put responsibility on me. I always knew deep down that I wasn't a victim but I did'nt know how to express is, and everyone around me, teachers, parents, therapist, friends, they all kept telling me "it's not your fault, your perfect the way you are". Untill one day, I told my father I felt useless and he said "yes, you are useless, but you dont have to be". The next day I did something productuve for the first time in months and I started to feel a little less useless each day.
Now, that's Perfect!
So much, this. I got cosseted so much when I was younger that it legit created this felling of total uselessness. I used to call myself a waste of air. People telling me that every freaking emotion was valid didn’t help. In the end I was the one who had to tell myself I was as much the problem as my abusers had been, only I was the one happening every moment of every day, not the abusers of the past. My emotions might be “valid”, but they sure weren’t making my quality of life better. At what point do we stop accepting our own excuses?
@@TheBrighterSpider Yeah, I think you have to get to the point where you just get so tired of feeling like shit, you realise that you literally can't live like this anymore. But that's also a dangerous place to be in because at that point you kind of just have two options. Get up and do something or lay down and die. Obviously I choose to get up and this way of thinking is actually quite motivating for me, but evidently not for everyone. If you sincerely believe that there is nothing you can do, the only option left is to lay down...
This is why I think the notion of "your perfect the way you are" or that people are inherently valuable for no reason other than being alive, is dangerous. That's the mentality I was raised with and it made me miserable, it wasn't untill I started taking resposibility for things and being a productive member of my family that I actually felt valuable. I was always loved and valued by my family even at my most useless, but I didn't FEEL valuable because my life didn't have any meaning or purpose. I think resposibility will give your life meaning if you accept it willingly.
@@TheBrighterSpider I feel you, I also suffered abuse and that was something that was out of my control and my abusers are solely resposible for how they treated me, but I was still the only one who could put an end to it by getting myself out of that situation and slowly changing my reaction to their abuse.
Crazy enlightening video! I feel like growing up, I was coached to be a victim being African American by my family, other African Americans by saying I can't do something because of my race and things like that! But when I got to high school my teachers and counselors taught me that I can do or be however I want but it comes down to me to become that and to take on responsibility in my own life! It's funny because it was always the white adults who told me I could become whatever I want but black family members that put me in a box!
Because ur black family have victim mentality.
Love your honesty and you deliver a great message
100%
Great point
I’m African American too and very successful. It’s almost all white people who ended up encouraging me and giving me opportunities. Black people, including my own family, were the most nihilistic and assumed I would/could never amount to much.
When I was a kid, I was taught “you can do anything through hard work.” It feels like that ideology has been totally erased from peoples minds, and that doesn’t bode well for the future
and while i can understand this mentality not working in certain circumstances the complete dismissal of this ideology is only gonna hurt people in the long run. "no matter what i do I will never succeed bc the world is against me!"
And there you have it. You were taught that as a kid. However, many people were not taught that when they were kids. This is not necessarily to blame the parents, because they might not have had good childhoods and could therefore not teach their children something they may have never experienced themselves. So you are the fortunate one while others have had to consciously learn agency later on. And many never do, unfortunately. In the end, though, the level of victimhood mindset that is prevalent in our societies is a serious problem for all.
I used to teach in primary schools in the uk - it’s no joke so many kids want to be UA-camrs as a career now..when kids took pride in what job their parent/s did it was so so refreshing and lovely to hear
I mean not everything some things you can’t do
@Gabriel Franco as a teacher, one thing I talk to my students about is how to work towards a goal. Instead of saying "You can do anything through hard work" , I say, "If you work hard, you can get closer to your goals and see yourself make progress". And then we look at realistic goals to set. This is important for them bc in my district so many kids are failing or have some form of disability or disorder. You see way more kids successful when you teach them how to set realistic goals, work hard, and celebrate their progress! People feel like failures if they are always comparing themselves to people way ahead of them in life. It's about doing what you can where you are, and getting better over time.
I had such a victim mentality that I spent years taking drugs and drinking heavily because my life was “so hard” as soon as I took responsibility for my stuff and decided to work hard for my dreams life turned around. It’s no one else’s fault if your failing in life, or unhappy, no one is going to “save” you, we are all responsible for our own stuff. The world needs to start remembering this.
There has to be a balance. Yes, there are a lot of situations where people are causing their own problems by doing stupid things. But there are also lots of situations like the Exxon Valdez oil spill and sweat shop factories and the Sackler family Opioid scandal. It is unrealistic to say to individuals, "You have to sort out that situation out by yourself and if you can't, you're the only one to blame".
Great post, Jade. Ultimately, the beds we're lying in are the beds we made for ourselves. Now I'll be the first to admit that the bed I inherited at childhood came with a list of privileges that many others never had. So I know not to judge anyone whose backgrounds are more challenging than my own, as I do not know if I'll have responded to their particular challenges in any better way. The bottom line, however, is that every individual still has the power to make their own beds as tidy as they possibly can, and not to mess it up through our/their own life choices.
Your comment reminds me of a quote from a Phineas and Ferb song (the song is called Carpe Diem, which means 'seize the day'). This quote is: "while you're waiting for the right time, your in it".
I think with a lot of people the victimhood mentality is good to them, because blaming other people for your problems, is more of an easy way out, than accepting the truth that you are the problem.
It’s easy, not good for you. Like a lot of easy things. Blaming others or even blaming yourself doesn’t solve problems. I’ve always figured that’s why the devil is known as the accuser or the Blamer. He doesn’t want us to have good things. He wants us to feel sustained by the act of shifting responsibility so we never get anything of worth done to God’s glory.
Well tbf in their case, the problem is an outdated form of government that could do with adapting to the modern world. Meghan being more “introspective” won’t change that.
@@TheNewblade1 clearly it does considering the big companies loved virtue signaling, and considering people who do this gain a victim mentality I'd say it benefits them a lot but not in the long run considering they'll be forever stuck in a delusion, that everyone else is the problem, but not them.
@@VentureHolly what's the Govt meant to do to be "more modern" and save people from themselves?
@@turtleriley yep the perpetrators problems are often caused by themselves, hence why they're the perpetrator.
I am African and we are taught from childhood that we are responsible for our own actions so we don't really suffer from external locus stuff. But there's some people who rely too much on religion so I could use those ones as my study for external locus of control.
Your icon picture is beautiful, did you design it? If so, 🖖🏾🤙🏽👏🏽
I present to you Africans that blame EVERY misfortune on witchcraft 🚮
@@Anna_Key Yes, and thank you.
@@nompumelolo Yeah, that's why I removed the overly religious ones.
I don't know which African country you're from, but in mine, too many people rely on religious faith to determine their life trajectory. If something good or bad happens, it's attributed to God's will or to a spiritual attack from the devil, whichever is more appropriate. Let's not forget the belief in witchcraft and the idea that you have been struck by misfortune because someone gave you the evil eye. A prime example is the widespread belief that women with fertility issues have cursed wombs.
We had a similar Smollett case in Germany in 2021.
A celebrity with Jewish background claimed to have been denied service in a hotel because his necklace with the David Star pendant was showing (the receptionist allegedly said "put that damn star away before I speak with you."). Sparking a huge discussion in news outlets if the German society is still or again antisemitic.
The older the story got, the more it didn't make sense.
The hotel came forward and denied the incident, supporting their employee who was blamed for the incident.
Then security cam videos appeared and showed that this celebrity wasn't wearing a visible David Star around his neck.
Then this celebrity claimed that the receptionist had recognised him and knew he was Jewish so that's why they denied him service (from my personal point of view: I know this celebrity exists, but I have never seen any of the shows he partakes in or what else he is famous for, hence I would have never known he's Jewish - not that I would mind for him to be, I don't know a single person here who says that they care if a person is Jewish or not).
The more likely scenario (which was told by the receptionist and eye witnesses [other guests]) is that the celebrity wanted special treatment (allegedly the reception was crowded and he was in a rush and demanded to be served before the other guests) and his demand was declined by the receptionist.
All in all, after the first huge outcry (Germany is antisemitic, this is a hate crime), people came to realise that this story is most likely made up and that celebrity lost all his credibility.
It's Star of David, not David Star.
@@user-3w9jf4r5qzpedantic, much. I’m assuming English isn’t their first language (it’s probably German). Maybe focus on the broader lesson of the story: it’s wrong to claim to be a victim when you were in the wrong.
People who use the victim mentality as a excuse to be monsters to other people need to slapped. It's sickening
Most times you can tell how messed up someone is by how much they virtue signal
Agree
They do need a slap of Reality.
@@TheNewblade1 I don't think Karen's live on victim mentality though. They live on privilege mentality where they think that because they are a white woman, everyone should naturally treat them like queens. Anything less is oppression.
Completely.
Your distinction between victim and underdog is spot on.
Personally, I think a country's culture also plays a role. I developed a victim mentality while I was living in the UK in my 20s. When I moved back to my home country (Germany), I had to unlearn that mindset again because a victim mentality is not something that is actively encouraged or rewarded here (exceptions to the rule probably exist but I'm talking in general). I've barely ever seen anyone have the kind of victimhood mindset that seems to be so common in the US. Maybe I'm just ignorant but in my opinion, it's not something that Germans value. So I think a country's overall culture has a big impact on whether victim mentality becomes a driving force in people's lives.
Edit: Just to be clear, I'm not blaming the UK for my mindset. I could've chosen to stay away from it. However, cultural differences between the UK and Germany had an influence on how I saw the topic at different times in my life.
I have the exact same experience, but between the UK and Switzerland. I'm still in the UK and keep having to remind myself not to fall into the victimhood trap, and that most of the world isn't like this. It really is a much bigger cultural thing here than the rest of Europe, and I wonder how much of it is influenced by American/general Anglosphere discourse
@@stephaniedietzwhat makes you feel like a victim in the UK?
as an Italian, in Italy there is a big culture of "at the end of the day it's all a magna magna", a lot of cynicism in the idea that we are stuck in a perpetual cycle that won't stop no matter what we do, but it is mainly direct against the institutions and the nation itself. I have notice generally speaking there's a much more negative mentality ,or better cynic, than at least the US, i would say Italians literally "believe" less than Americans. I'm not sure if this culture lead to a personal victim mindset but for sure it did it nation wise. Being hyper aware of all the corruption and issues has lead to acceptance that nothing can change and even the stereotypical concept of "dolce vita" that foreigners love soo much it's just realizing and accepting that simple life is good enough, that you shouldn't waste your time and just accept life as it is.
Germany is not a victim but a guilt fest
In middle America, which is more conservative, it is more like Germany as you describe. The more liberal parts of the country, have more of the whiney victim mentality and they tend to get more airtime. I find the perpetual victim to be a loathsome chacter and weak, a drain on society. Many people who actually are victims and had real trauma often rise above and shun that perspective.
What changed my victim mentality was exercise; specifically weight lifting. At month 4 of consistency I was finally seeing/feeling results I wanted. I realized how much control I had over my body and that I could have that over my mind and how my life played out as well with similar practice, discipline, and consistency.
This is brilliant, kinda makes me want to lift 😅 thanks
You needed that confidence wether it was mental or physical working out showed you and proved just how powerful you could be
Another problem is that 'victimhood' is being used by a lot of people. It is the best justification for anything. You can see the 'If you don't agree with my every word, then you're hateful and the aggressor' defense everywhere. It's an easy way out of any situation and shuts down a debate instantly by shifting the focus onto the character of the opponent instead of the actual topic of the debate. You don't have to think up arguments to win if you discredit your opponent by claiming that they hate you on principle, right?
And this abuse of 'victimhood', in turn, worsens the situation of actual victims, like the false r*pe claims and the like. It's incredibly damaging not only on a personal, but on a societal level as well.
This 100%
It definitely adds to the lack of critical thinking and productive civil discourse. Logic dictates you can't dismantle a person's argument based on their person, who they are or their history. One of the classic overused fallacies. And, I forget the term for this, there is a tendency to respond to what you think they mean, usually based on what you assume about them from what you know about them, rather than actually discussing what they said or what happened.
I forgot the exact wording, but I remember a saying along the lines of, "if everywhere you go there's a fire, maybe you're an arsonist".
From experience, it's incredibly hard to claw out of a self-pitying hole. It's so much easier to throw your hands in the air and say, "this is just how it is, I can't do anything". Which, of course, is self perpetuating as well.
Great stuff as always!
When you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail
When you're a victim, everything looks like oppression
When you're a nail, everything looks like a hammer
@@legitlyspelunking when your oppression, everything looks like a victim.
This is true, and unfortunately, some people oversimplify everything exactly like so.
@jasonsomers8224 does it though? Because it seems to me that these oppressors know when to oppress...
@@Flylikea Not oppressor; oppression. The builder does not see everything as nails, but his tool, the hammer, does. In the same way, the oppressor does not see everything as a victim, but oppression, the concept itself, sees all things as a victim. What does that mean exactly? I have no idea. Maybe it means the same thing Genesis 4:7 means when it says "sin is crouching at your door." Maybe it means we are carriers for the memetic virus of oppression, or perhaps more deeply, jealousy. Both amount to the same thing, are you aware and in control of your negative impulses?
I wasn't really trying to be deep, I was more just riffing off of @legitlyspelunking's reply. Analogies can explain part of a puzzle, but they break down if stretched over enough of the puzzle.
Being a trans person, the community itself is built on external locus of control, and I used to believe my dysphoric suffering stemmed from transphobic politicians limiting hormones or transphobic people not seeing me as the sex I’m transitioning as, but once I took the step of actually transitioning with hormones and making my appearance look the way I internally view I realized that the idea of constantly blaming external factors only made my dysphoria and issues worse, and now more than ever do I feel more confident to take control of my life than I was a few months ago, and I believe this is something other trans people should learn and overcome
We're not transphobic for living in reality. You're just confused.
Your point?
Cause I’m unsure of what you mean
@@JuliaAmeliaWorth your transgender identity is false and disturbing.
@@JuliaAmeliaWorth Bc that’s one of the tenants of Gender Ideology - perpetual victimhood. I’m glad you were able to see past that. Society at large doesn’t hate trans people. It’s the loud, obnoxious, and hateful trans people who spread not only victimhood but their propaganda. For instance they say sex is a social construct but then say kids are trans bc boys like dolls or girls like to be aggressive. I truly believe only people like yourself with gender dysphoria are trans. I get called transphobic bc of that. I have a lot of sympathy and respect for the actual trans community. I just don’t respect those spreading nonsense to kids and confusing them. I’m gay and so thankful this insidious ideology wasn’t around when I was a kid.
I had a victim mentality when I was younger, blaming others in my life was the easiest option. But as i grew older i realised that I was being unfair. I stopped blaming other's and took accountability for my own actions, while still acknowledging what other's could have done better and frankly feel much better about life now.
*THANK YOU* for talking about these messy yet dangerous problems. Career Victims and their "Weaponized Empathy" is a huge problem that hurts everyone and it needs to be called out. 🎉
Back in the 90’s I was deep into the “grunge” culture, which if you’ve ever listened to the lyrics, basically turns blaming other people for your own misery into an art form. I definitely had a horrible childhood, so I related to the anger and aggression. But at a certain point I realized that being a “survivor of abuse” had become a pride point and my whole life had been reduced to my identity as a victim. I realized that if I ever hoped to live the life I wanted for myself I had to give up the identity. I stopped asking people to not do things I found triggering. I accepted that realistically, I needed to adapt to the world rather than ask it to adapt to me. Yes, I have to be tougher and more self aware than someone from a different background. No, it’s not fair. So freaking what? I can either rise to the circumstances of my life and seize the day or I can leap head first into the garbage disposal of self pity. I’ve tried both options, and I can tell you, only one leads to happiness. I would not trade my life now for the life I was living in my twenties for anything. Self pity is literally the most destructive emotion in the world.
This locus of control concept has been around for decades. I learnt it back in the late 90s by reading a bunch of magazines for U.S. college students and applicants. It's funny how it became forgotten and is now hiding in occasional, not very well-known studies. Thank you for bringing it back.
I grew up in Russia a family that firmly believed that the world was against us, but that was the reason why we needed to work extra-hard and to accumulate every advantage we could - basically, the goal was to beat our competitors in the game that favored them. And I thought that this self-improvement, do-your-very-best mentality came from the West. I was very much surprised, having immigrated to the U.S., to discover that the society seemed to cheer for those who complained the loudest, while (the society) often being downright hostile towards successful people, even when their success was very much self-made.
I’m still unlearning my victim mentality to take back control of my life. It really isn’t talked about enough HOW hard it is to reprogram your brain to take accountability and personal responsibility after years, if not a lifetime, of blaming everyone but yourself whenever something goes wrong. Thanks for talking about this though and calling it out for what it is!!
You’re right personally I wasn’t raised with a victim mentality atleast not a lot of it and I could certainly fit into all these other groups (minority poor, disadvantaged whatever) but my girlfriend who comes from much better circumstances then me is much more complains much more, I notice she blames others and cause far more problems for us she’s in the process of taking accountability of her life and thankfully she is very good at listening to the things I teach her and has come a long way in the 6 years we have been together her family mother and father have very bad mental issues but anyways story is from watching her escaping and reprogramming your brain and taking accountability after living and growing up in that sort of mindset is a huge obstacle but it can be done and I’m proud that you’re undertaking the journey to better yourself good luck ❤
That's why proper parenting is necessary.
I have PTSD and one of the most important things I had to learn was that it is not my fault that it happend but it is my responsibility to deal with my symptoms. I have to take care of myself and can not expect others to know my triggers. It has become a lot easier to navigate life since I have let the bitterness of victimhood go. I am a survivor.
This video really did speak to a lot of my issues. I was raised in a very religious family. The concept of some central figure controlling you/watching you really did give me an external locus of control that got in the way of my happiness in all walks of life. It wasn't until a few years ago, watching my brother and how he moved and how ppl saw him. He used the belief system we learned growing up to gain a more internal locus of control. Instead of seeing this central figure as controlling, this central figure was just truly omnipotent and he was free to live and do as he pleased. As I move forward towards my goals I need to kind of retrain myself that no, me failing an exam was not a punishment, but rather me simply not studying enough. Of course there is a balance in between the due but you have to give yourself the best shot possible to live a happy and good life.
I was also raised in a very religious family, and this is a battle that I have had to learn how to navigate. It is interesting how we can perceive the teachings we are taught differently - similar to yourself, I feel that I developed an external locus of control based on my religious framework. As a result of this I developed an attitude of self-denial, I was out of touch with my own needs because I was always thinking about what I should do or what God would want me to do. On the other hand, my sister and others raised in the same faith, appear to have developed an internal locus of control and seem more in touch with their own wants.
Right when I graduated high school I definitely had a victim mentality type of thinking. Often I would blame others on why I can't get a relationship going, often. I would blame the universe for me not having money. Then one day I came to the realization that maybe people aren't dating me because I may be part of the problem. A few years later changing my mentality and how I think I'm now less depressed, I have more money, and a wonderful boyfriend. Life's much better now. So I'll never understand why people want to stick with that mentality and think that it's okay. When I thought that way I was just constantly tired. Tired of everything, I thought the world was against me and I couldn't do anything about it. Changing that way of thinking made me feel more in charge. Definitely much happier so I'm happy I was able to learn that at a young age rather than wasting more of my life being tired.
11:38 this always cracks me up like. we got you on tape.
Honestly I've noticed that even if you ARE a victim of circumstances or wrongdoings of others, adopting victim mentality is still not helpful to get your life together and move on to better things. It might help as a coping mechanism at first to keep (certain kind of) people from breaking apart and if it does that's fine, but after a certain point it always starts adding to the problem instead of helping.
Very good point. Dwelling in the mud is not the best way to get clean.
Taking responsibility also has its slippery slopes. If you’re mentally unhealthy and you blame yourself for everything, it can lead you down a dark path. Some people ( I assume) completely abandon that attitude for the victim mentality. Because it’s easier. It feels like you’re overcoming your self deprecating thoughts, but it’s not actually good for you. The more difficult path is balancing yourself. Taking responsibility, occasionally realizing some things are out of your control, avoid putting yourself in sticky situations, and to never expect handouts/help from others. Once you start expecting sympathy and get hooked on the victim treatment it’s hard to stop. The people around you may play along at first, but being around a self-victimizing person gets tiring.
Life only has hope and meaning if you give it hope and meaning. Otherwise you’re just going along with the echo-chamber of victim hood
I like your appreciation of balance. Sometimes things are truly out of your control and that sucks, but what matters is that you don't blame yourself or the world(for too long at least😂😂) and you move forward. Difficulties are part of life, you just have to keep moving.
I do not know how you did it but you put my feelings into words perfectly. I don’t think things always be either or, my mom always say play your part, pay your due diligence and wait to watch if Mother Earth does too. Because for example I am epileptic and of course it’s my duty to take medication, not indulge in drugs and rest yet I still have seizures every now and then and I find that it is incredibly unhealthy when I just blame myself because it just then feels like a losing game. But if I balance then it makes more sense.
Basically we could all benefit from a bit more stoicism
People with internal locus of control don't think they're Gods, they also understand some things are not in their control the difference is they don't have a habbit of constantly blaming the world for all their problems they take responsibility for their own decisions
that’s why you have to talk to other people too, especially those whose opinion you trust, to get anchored
I used to deal with really bad anxiety. The smallest things would trigger it, even when it wasn’t a personal attack and it would start this cycle of thinking worse things like “I don’t want to be stuck in this job forever!” Or “why am I here but others arent,”
What’s funny is what got me out of it was my friends mom who does tarot readings (I like tarot, it’d help reassure me even if it didn’t come true,) and she’s a proper psychic. She looked over some cards I pulled for myself when I asked “why am I stuck?” And I couldn’t interpret them. The general message she bluntly said was “you’re playing the victim. Woe is me, why do they get that and I don’t. They got there because they worked for it. Life isn’t fair so make it work for you. You have a bright future ahead of you,” and it created the instant shift in my mentality because she was right. I had been playing the victim and that’s what my anxiety was. So I started changing my mindset and within a year, ran a Kickstarter which was successful, started an online business, began writing a book series and managed to accomplish more things I could’ve imagined in two years alone. I mellowed out my anxiety exponentially although it still effects me, but I will say, being aware of the control you have and understanding you can receive the answers to your internal questions was a lot easier when you gain that agency over yourself. I never realized I was playing victim, until someone told me flat out.
For me it boils down to this...
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I had more of a victim mentality during Hs, specifically about feminism and just any sort of social justice. What changed for me was having my mother abuse drugs and alcohol and realizing just how annoying it is! How it literally does nothing for the person and makes everyone around them miserable because instead of working on the issue of why you’re addicted (or a victim of the patriarchy) it’s just easier to say the world hates you and nothing is your fault. Because then you wouldn’t have to do the work, to change yourself and change the world.
That's what I love about you though - you don't go all political, you just use COMMON SENSE! I swear it's a lost ideal these days online. Brilliant video ❤
Tbh I think making everything political is a very American thing and since Patience is from the UK and Europe, it's so refreshing. Ex. when she talked about The Little Mermaid and that Noah guy made it all political when it didn't have to be.
Yes!!! That’s why I follow her. Patience is smart and use her brain to think for herself!
Calling Meghan Markle a "victim" is like calling her an "A" list actress
What did she even act in before she met him?
@@sindelscat9336the show “Suits.” And that’s it? At least that’s all I know about
@@sindelscat9336she was in "Dater's Handbook", " When Sparks Fly" and "Random Encounters" and other classic, unforgettable films.
Meghan doesn’t even has the talent for playing the victim
Sorority Girl.
Actress.
Influencer.
Victim.
(Notes: Yoga, Calligraphy, Cuisine, Writing, Lifestyle, Advocating, Acting, First Lady botherer, Lawyer pretending, Blogging, Feminism)
It takes maturity to take some responsibly to a negative outcome to an action made because there is also a possibility that a person will be "frozen" in place and afraid to take any steps in fear of negative consequences. This is where analysis will come handy.
At some point during highschool, around 2012, i began feeling ashamed and ebarassed of having a good home life seemingly out of nowhere. For some time i had felt the strong urge to put myself through some sort of struggle in order to both fit in with my peers and avoid my feelings being dismissed as coming from a person who hasnt truly struggled. It all sounds silly now and ive grown out of this idea and mindset, but i have always wondered where i got that idea in the first place. Definetly not from my parents lol they have an internal locus
Interesting video! I started to become more successful at work (and got rid of my crippling depression/anxiety) after I was diagnosed autistic. This meant I realised it was me, not everyone else. That wasn't to say that I just gave up, it's more that I realised I had things to work on but also that I wasn't actually broken by the world. I stopped caring what everyone else thought as a result and just became "me" with warts and all. The difference was weirdly measurable, and I wish everyone could have that experience.
My sister has victim mentality and it is awful not only for her but to everyone around her. It's torture! She is never ever accountable for anything bad that happens to her, she is always sad and miserable, and she is always a victim. Even when we state clear actions that could help her, she doesn't do anything just keeps being passive victim. She wasn't like that, I don't know what happened. She was very intelligent, funny af, smart and sharp. Suddenly she turned into that whiny person who blames everyone for everything in her life, sees everything from dark, depressing perspective and is desperate, depressed, miserable and at the same time demanding most of the time, like we all need to save her and help her when anything bad happens. She just wont do anything herself, we just all need to save her because we "owe" her that. I am getting really sad and tired and scared I will never get my sister the way she once was... this victim mentality is horrible and destructive, but it seems to be addictive to people who accept that mentality. Just stay away from it, it will just bring you and everyone who cares about you total misery.
I have a cousin like this, and her life is a tire fire 🛞🔥
I feel like my sister wrote this .She would say the same about me except I am very silent with everything so does that make it better???
Probably due to heavy use of social media. I mean it seriously, not as a joke. I made a tumblr account back in 2013 and i can feel being dragged in negatity, maybe the same thing happened to ur sister
@@niemand98 that could be true, but she won't go to the doctor or therapists either. We tried that first, and she refuses. Of course, I was hoping a professional would help but as I wrote she refuses anything we suggest including that. I mean, she has been to few, but decided to ditch them because they "don't know anything". I am out of solutions.
@@biljam972 so sorry you deal with this and its completely unfair to you and your family. I once dealt with a victim mentality and it's like extreme inferiority to the point of ignoring/not recognizing that other people have needs and also deal with shit too. I went off to college this year and was away from family for the first time. I had time to think to myself and think ab who I was and recognized that I've been aware of how miserable I was and how it was making ppl feel which instigated a new loop.
(skip to last paragraph if you just want the more concise answer, since I rambled a lot lol)
I would say that recently I've started talking to myself kinder, and reaffirming my mind-saying things such as, "if you like it, than I love it..." or "I love you [insert my name] because of [list of reasons]" and generally trying to engage more with my personal hobbies.
I would also say that the worst thing for me during my "victimhood" era was people generally telling me what how to "be better"... I feel that the one of the things I needed during that time was for my family to ask me "why do you think you're like this? and are you happy? why/why not?"
but also high school was pretty stressful too soooo... idk the solution. she just needs to hate being a victim and believe that there is more out there for her. maybe remind her that there's more out there for her and that she can take all the time in the world and that taking baby steps is good enough and that she can fall as many times as she wants and that she should focus on making herself proud and being good to the child that exists inside of her mind.
So I have been full on stuck in victim mode for a long time. But instead of blaming others, I blamed myself. I didn't take chances and stopped caring for myself, because I was always going to find a way to screw things up and shouldn't bother bettering myself. Went and saw my doctor about a recurring health issue, and he asked me about my exercise and the way I eat. Admitted I stopped doing any of that awhile ago, my onset of my autoimmune disease and worsening depression just eventually drained me of any desire I had to put work into myself and my life. And what did this elderly doctor say to me? "I don't mean to be insensitive. But many people are going through this same exact this. You can push through it and thrive, or you can give up. So I suggest you push through."
It's a hard pill to swallow but it's true. So I started again today trying to get my old lifestyle back, and this time need to keep moving forward instead of stopping whenever I stumble. It's such a mind fuck, but you have to actively work against the thoughts keeping you down. I love the sources and choice of words you used. I still consider myself to be liberal, but sometimes you have to help yourself before helping others ☺️
This hits home because minus the autoimmune disease, EVERYTHING you wrpte here is copy and paste, the story of my LIFE like holy shit 😭. I only just started eating well and it definitely has started to impact things more but I still struggle with giving up after I stumble
The battle between external and internal controls/responsibilitys when it comes to learning disabilitys or neurodivergents is a real mine field. Theres that real line of between blaming the LD and taking responsibility for the LD
"victim mentality" or in other words, I don't accept the consequence of my own actions because nothing is my fault, including my own bad behavior.
I think part of growing up is learning to see the world in a nuanced way, shaped by both individual and collective efforts. As a psych major myself, I agree with you about the victim mentality. I also think we need to invest in social policies, especially education, to stay competitive in the global market.
Children are the ultimate example of why personal responsibility can't solve every problem. Out of curiosity, when you say "invest in social policies, especially education" what specifically do you think we should change about education?
@@jasonsomers8224 I think classes that help build self-sufficient skills. I mean in elementary we have exercises and game that help build team work and social skills. I'm thinking classes like home tech, governmental studies, mechanics, etc, classes that tend to only be special electives in high school. They had a class that taught you how to do your taxes and everything related with paperwork but it was only a elective that only a few were able to get.
@@LazGato makes sense. A lot of things learned in school are never used and a lot of practical things for adult personal responsibility are not taught often.
@@jasonsomers8224 Education is a great example of internal vs external locus. You might not have the opportunity to go to an elite school or college, or you might not have encouragement at home- but you can study hard where you are and try to find other pathways. But having said that, good quality teaching and support at home does help. Education is also a huge determinant of social mobility. People who finish high school, or even better, have a tertiary qualification, are likely to earn more. They need to ensure kids can learn safely, have the maerials they need, that good teachers are in all schools and that every kid has a pathway into training or university if they want it. Training and university also needs to be affordable. Education for girls, including comprehensive sex education, is particularly important because women are often the gatekeepers to family health and empowering them opver their sexuality will result in less unplanned pregnancies being born into poverty and women staying in the workforce if they want to
i hear "hello my dears", i hit like. i'm a simple girl.
She made an excellent point in explaining the difference between "underdog" and "victim." I'd add to that by writing that another reason victim mentality has become more common is that people like this type are being enabled by the media, politicians, policymakers, social media addicts, and activists. There are too many people now who allow and encourage this kind of mentality and in some cases, REWARD them for foisting their sad-sack attitudes on the rest of us. It's much easier to blame external forces for your problems. Not taking responsibility for your own actions, attitude, thoughts absolves you of anything, and you can walk away with "clean" hands. I grew up in a culture where victim mentality is NOT tolerated. If the individual fails, you get up and try again and again until you succeed. You're taught to take responsibility for your actions, to think about the effects of your behaviour on the larger society, on your family. If a schoolmate was slower than others or not as quick on the draw about things, they were encouraged by other schoolmates and teachers to not give up, to keep trying (of course, there were a few bullying schoolmates and teachers, but for the most part, more encouragement than discouragement). Either way, you were never tutted and stroked like you were the "poor wittle" victim that needed to be treated with kid gloves. I did tend to internalise things to such a degree, I was really hard on myself (still am, to a certain point), but I never, ever saw myself as a victim. I saw others who did externalise more and who tried blaming others for their own mistakes. But they were put right by others who would not, did not, put up with this "it's not me, it's them" mentality. People weren't afraid to "tell it like it is" a few years ago. That's the other difference now. These days, too many people immediately side with the put-upon person - without verfication, without looking to see if the sob story they're being told is true - and then they go on social media to spread said story, it;s picked up and spread around like it's truth. By the time the ACTUAL TRUTH comes out, it's too late. Human nature is such that its always loved scandal, misfortune (on others, not on oneself), anything disastrous or salacious. Another reason that victim mentality has now been elevated as never before, enabled by those in power and by ordinary citizens, thanks to the rise of the internet and within it, social media. Too many, like Jessie Smollett, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, Amber Heard, just to name an infamous few, use this to their (perceived) advantage: More publicity means more money (Smollett), a way to bolster a career that never amounted to much (Markle), and revenge and financial gain (Heard). It's gotten worse and worse because humans always want to take things to extremes. I don't see this changing because it's so much easier to be the victim and get oodles of sympathy than it is to try and actually improve your mental and physical health by your own merit.
I find this topic really interesting. The first thought I had that's related the topic of locus of control is a famous saying/mantra or rather a mindset we have in my country. I'm from a highly religious (mostly Catholic) country and with that you would think that an external locus of control would be promoted but not really. Our saying "Nasa Diyos ang awa nasa tao ang gawa" translates to "God has mercy while man has the ability to do" meaning you can't expect god to give you something without doing anything. Another saying we have "bahala na" *bahala* from the word *bathala* meaning **God* is the equivalent of "Jesus take the wheel" which is a mindset that is frowned upon unless it's something that is way away from your control. Hehehe I'm sorry for the language and religious lecture it's just how I related this topic to my culture. 😅
I had witnessed first had how polarizing internal vs. external locus of control was in my first semester of college. I had two roommates, both had happened to lose their mothers at a young age. One, when she was 7 and the other, when she was 9. The first roommate basically based her personality on that tragedy in her life. She was extremely depressed, locked in her room almost constantly. The anniversary of her moms death, she wrote “Never forget” on our whiteboard in the apartment and sulked the whole day. On the other hand, the second roommate, was an excellent student, social and overall, very bubbly. It was just wild to me to see how they could experience something so similar, but chose to live very different lives.
If anything it hurts the person doing it the most, because they are giving up their own agency in the situation and putting everything on an outside source.
In reality most of your problems can be solved in some way by you if you work hard enough, with exceptions of course.
I used to have a victim mentality. I blamed my traumatic childhood. What made me lose that mentality was realizing that I couldn’t keep blaming the world for all my problems, and that if I wanted to be successful, I had to accept responsibility for my actions, and take control of my life. Therapy helped a lot lol.
Its good to understand that awful or traumatic events may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility to do something about how you deal with it. On the other hand thinking you control everything and only having an internal locus of control, studies have found, also make you much more susceptible to burnout and also overly blaming yourself when things dont go the way you planned or bad things happen. Its good to have balance and realize that yes, some things ARE out of our control. In fact a lot of things are. Currently dealing with this myself and went into overdrive of control for many years of my life and 'being the best version of myself' after traumatic childhood events and going to therapy. Always kept going and never looked back after. This can also result into unhealthy copingmechanisms and not loving yourself or even self hate. Always looking inward into what you couldve done differently (even when others are at fault or how you couldve avoided certain situations) is not healthy or loving towards yourself. I think speaking up if someone crosses your boundaries or if you see injustice is very important. You should be in the middle somewhere between left and right. Brushing something off and saying 'life is unfair just work harder', is not a really healthy mindset i think. Even if its true, that doenst mean we shouldnt strive towards a better world with more understanding towards eachother and creating more community-oriented societies. The individualistic mindset is not how humans innately are meant to operate.
Great comment! 👏
Switching from an external to an internal locus of control allowed me to beat a 12 year heroin addiction. I had a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and due to some childhood abuse i would victimize myself and forgo accountability using that trauma as an excuse. Realizing that it was my decision to keep using or not was the biggest factor in getting clean.
Incredible video
So many issues in our world can be explained by victim mentality from social issues to geopolitical issues
I will also add that it's hard to get out of this mentality, and it's even harder to get out as a group of this mentality.
Who are you, but an enigma, an extraordinary amalgamation of dreams and potential? You, my dear, are a marvel to behold.
Great video! I can see the growing victim appreciation in the school system which can somethings lead to tragic-comical situations when several wannabe victims clash and there isn't just enough patience and compassion to go around at some point. Some young people even compete for the biggest victim role and start faking mental disorders etc. It's gotten out of control.
so many kids diagnose themselves with mental health disorders like it's a badge of honour. If they knew what it was like to have a mental illness they wouldn't want one.
Oooooh, that response for the pictures was everything! 😂
When she said "We hearby demand" around 12:35, I laughed. I laughed hard. 😂
I really enjoyed your insightful analysis on the distinction between the underdog and the victim, it really resonates with the contemporary social media culture we all live in. Brilliant work as always. ❤
yep. The victim disguises their rhetoric as hard work and talent- but has no goods. The underdog actually has the talent.
I'm honored to be this early! Appreciate your content xx
Very good and informative video! I used to be part of this problem. I thought I didn't do anything wrong and that everybody was against me. This is what my mother was always telling me.When I was in highschool I started to notice her behaviour. She was blaming everyone else, except for herself, altough many times she was the main core of the problem. The more I talked to her, the more I observed, the more I realise how terrible of a person she is and how she is ruining her own life... And that she'd thought me to do the same! It was a hard truth, but I took it and changed myself. Few years have passed, now she is even worse, than she was before, and I am happy, I can deal with my problems myself and I know who's to blame [and it is not "always the outside world"].
But paradoxically my change wouldn't be possible, if it wasn't for her, because the biggest shift happened when SHE told me that nobody cares about my problems. It made me stop wailing and got a grip on my life. Because since nobody cares, then maybe I should care. How sad she never takes anyones advices, not even her own ones.
The part about external locusts of control is true. You'll never be happy when trying to balance things outside of your own mind and body. So best to seek internal balance .
Great video! You hit the nail on the head in many ways. This is why leadership and self-leadership skills are so important to learn early on, and this is why sports can be very important in early development. I'm a 52-year-old white male. I was a leader on my high school sports teams (football and baseball) and later on professional teams (corporate America), and I quickly learned to strip away blaming others because no one gives AF about a leader who blames others. All that matters are results, and all you are left with is accountability for yourself and your teams' actions. You cannot make excuses or take a moment off. Leadership is the hardest job in the world, especially when leadership is missing so badly these days. Many days I did not "feel" like leading or taking ownership, but that doesn't matter either. You just do it.
That's why none of this anti-white rhetoric lately (on Twitter, etcetera) bothers me because I'm a self-leader, and I have a strong internal locus of control and self-leadership, and I just keep rockin' on.
I love how in-depth your videos are!
Your voice is an absolute delight to listen to!
I see comments saying "no one wants to be a victim" to which I say yeah that's technically true. No one wants to be an actual victim of anything but some poeple want to be seen as them for clout.
I used to have a victim mentality in high School and it almost destroyed my life. I left my control to fate and didn't put in effort into anything. I remember feeling helpless about situations almost all the time so I always did things half-hearted because I felt that if they would work out, they will and if they won't they won't.
I isolated myself and began to perform badly in almost everything I did, including things I excelled in as a child. i also began to feel jealous of my mates who excelling and always wondered why I wasn't born into their fate. And instead of placing effort to improve I rather tried to discourage them to my level. I was angry with the world for how bleak my life looked.
But thanks be to God that those days are behind me. I don't know the exact thing that made me wake up but then I doing small things like studying God's word(the bible) for myself and reading and watching stories of real people who excelled even difficult situation and I also got help (therapy).
It didn't take days or months but rather years of dedication, improvements and shortfalls. But now when I look back at my past self who left myself for fate and the person I am today, there is big difference in mindset, personality and behaviour.
I personally feel like the victim mentality is not only a problem in the Western countries (Europe and America) but it is also strong in my dear continent, Africa. Colonization ended a long time ago and if you look at the mindset of our forefathers who led us to independence and our politicians now it is just sad. The situation has made us, the youth apathetic and embracing the victim mentality.
I liked the fact that you talked about a research from South Africa and I will really love it if you did another take on victim mentality on African countries like Ghana, Nigeria and others.
Too much of anything, of any side, is dangerous and ultimately sets us back.
Success and failure in life is both external and internal. The bad thing about internal locus of control is that if something bad happens to someone, it is all their fault, therefore they deserve whatever happens to them, when it just as well was bad luck. Good luck also plays a role in success, no matter how hard working or talented (A trait that also is pure luck) they may be.
As someone with autism who didnt have the best parents and having been in the system since childhood, i've always found it funny that we are taught how detrimental the victim mentality is to someone with a psychiatric diagnosis(Since we are at a way higher risk of developing one) but it's rewarded constantly in media.
this was very enlightening, I don't think I've ever had a case of victim mentality that affected how I thought of all areas of my life and others' but I've certainly had it when it comes to my mental health. The problem is that its like a toxic cycle, a victim mentality is likely to get you depressed and when you're depressed you're also more likely to think the entire world is against you, you can't achieve anything positive anyways, etc. But it's absolutely true that this leads to an unfullfilling life, if you don't believe yourself to be capable of changing your outcome then how can you achieve anything? you're likely to not try for something good but challenging to begin with. I've been working on taking accountability and control of my life for a while but this video inspired me even more to do so. Therapy taught me how many tools there are with which I can improve my wellbeing, I might not be able to eliminate my depression entirely but it's in my hands to make living with it as bearable as possible and not let it dictate how I live my life. As I've learned this and e.g suceeded at improving by intentionally thinking positively/arguing against bad thoughts, I find it very difficult to talk to people who are also in a bad mental health spot who don't believe themselves to be capable of changing their situation at all. I know that kind of thinking is a symptom so you can't blame them for developing it, but its in them to get rid of it. You're the only person who can change your mental health and life for the better, you have to want it and choose it. For someone who I guess naturally leans more towards an external locus of control though, working against it isn't easy. You have to make a choice against that type of thinking every day in every situation, I hope as time passes an internal locus of control will get easier for me and maybe even come naturally at one point.
what a well thought out an articulate video! I knew that victim mentality is not good, but i never thought about it in this way... take care patience!
Thank you for tackling this topic. More people need to be aware of issues like this and what we can do to tackle them.
This video was great, Patience! 😊 I think that having an external or internal locus of control also relates to having a growth or fixed mindset. Having an external locus means that you also believe you can improve on and grow your skills through the control and power that you have in yourself, and having an internal locus also means that you feel you cannot change your circumstances because you are fixed in your one state forever and other forces are impacting you 🩷
my victim mentality was most likely learned from my parents and i got out of it when i was feeling very depressed, no will to live and a friend lectured me to basically stop feeling sorry for myself. i was very co dependent on my best friend and she was distant all of a sudden when lockdown hit (the second or third time in 2021) and i couldnt stop being like “poor me im so lonely” instead of just thinking that even though we are best friends she has her own life, she still doesnt owe me anything and just because she is distant doesnt mean she hates me. it took a whole month of crying and talking to myself to just come to terms with that. turns out she didnt hate me at all and once i got better she explained all the stuff that was going on with her. i felt so much shame that in my mind i tried to paint her as the bad guy.
my whole self development journey started from there. i’ll always be grateful for that one friend who told me the truth and not just what i wanted to hear. she is one of the main people who played a huge part in me changing as a person.
since then my political views also changed! strange how all it takes is your own mindset to change then suddenly your world view changes…
SHES BACK! I could cry lmao. I found your vids last week and binged all of them and thought I was gonna have to wait a while for a new one. Thank god that was not the case lmao
I use to have a victim mentality until I stopped grouping myself with people bc we shared the same identities. (Like being a black women etc). I would say my spiritual journey, my family and even KS really helped me take accountability for myself. My family are immigrants from JA and they have been able to build an amazing life off of their own merits. This in turn inspired me along with the other things mentioned that the power is ultimately in my own hands. It has always raised the question of what age does one become responsible for their position in life. Like when does the transfer from childhood trauma stop being an excuse for bad behaviour.
Great comment. I relate greatly
Growing up I definitely felt like the victim whether it was of bullying from people at school or my brothers but I think some of the things that helped me combat this the most is Atheism and getting on anti-depressant medication. These two things have been very significant moments in my life. Realising that I am not one of 'god's' precious little beings, perfect and in his design. But just a clump of atoms and energy that happened by chance. Feeling less significant in the universe has made me feel so unbelievably good. I would study the universe and planets and how inexplicably small we are in the grand scheme of things and that made myself and my problems feel so insignificant which was wonderful. I also have hereditary depression so I was very predisposed to negativity and pessimism, mostly thinking others thought and said negative things about me but taking care of my chemical imbalance allowed me to be in control of my emotions rather than controlled by my emotions. All of this sounds very cold and emotionless and yet I am one of the most emotional people I know, but sometimes these cold hard facts and fixing things with evidence and science and not trying to overcomplicate everything with emotions really helps me feel responsible for myself. Not a single person in my life, past, present or future, is responsible for me being a good and stable person. Only me. Another factor I think was losing my best friends from them just not wanting to be friends with me anymore. That was something I just had to take on and deal with no matter how heartbreaking it was, I'm not owed closure and that is okay. Things happen at random and by chance and it's okay for bad shit to happen because good shit happens all the time too. It's just the randomness of life. We can only control our own actions. So be nice and treat others how you'd want to be treated and things will feel less like they happen unto you and more like they happen because that's just life and your own actions that led to it.
Last year i was diagnosed with somatic pain, for the first 6 months i blamed life, my parents, society. The outcome was devastating i saw my mother cry everyday, i saw my father being depressed for the first time, i started becoming scared of homeless people because i saw my self in them. BUT one night i decided to change the things i had power over "my family's stability", by ignoring the pain. Now my family still supports me but they are strong and i do feel strong when i see them happy. We always do hold a part of responsibility for our life.
Patience girl I am begging you, please post more often. I will literally sell my left lung to get a video from you once a week. I love hearing your views on various issues.
Not a whole left lung😂😂
Lmbo
Very interesting! Nicely put.
Another well-researched, well thought out, and well-presented video. Great work, Patience. I always enjoy, and learn something from your content. Thank you.
Nailed it! I worked in a long(er) term addiction treatment facility for a decade. It was my job as a case manager to help the patients clean up legal/financial wreckage as best they could and set them up to start over as functioning adults. I kept hearing from them they got so much more out of appts with me than their therapists. I wasn't anything special, I just focused on them living life on life's terms, offered resources and sometimes re-education on how society works, and demanded they show up and do their part. Regardless of past trauma and mental health. Often the messes they found themselves in were due to bad choices made while in active addiction, and the only way out of the hole was to yes get help to end the active addiction but also to learn the difference between what was "done to them" and what they did to themselves. Its how we all learn. Fred implied it was ok to touch that hot stove so i did. It burned me. Ok Fred shouldn't have but I now know I shouldn't listen to Fred, I should never touch a hot stove again. I can't blame Fred if I do it again.
paitence, i hope you see this for the sole fact that i think your hair looks really good in this video. love ur channel
I missed you! 💚Thank you for a new video! ☺
Patience, you're spot on once again. The world can only take away our personal agency if we agree to it. Like the story goes, you have to welcome the vampire over the threshold.
Boy have I been waiting for this video!😅
The response from Backgrid was *chefs kiss* prefect! lmao 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I have spaces in me where victimhood mentality still resides, but I have also broken free from a few shackles in other spaces. Primarily in my personal relationships with friends or family or lovers- I began to see common patterns of outcomes (or at least my perspective of the outcomes), and upon analysis, just like you said, I realised the common denominator was me and I began to take a hard look at those patterns and I realised that I allowed myself to be taken for granted, I did not set personal boundaries and was used to having those boundaries ignored (my mother shared this pattern with me as well). So due to personal childhood experiences, I picked this behaviour up. When I realised this pattern, I realised that I was giving others so much power over my self-worth in my mind- that my own mind lost its agency- that I’ve given away my agency. Since then I was like “check the mirror first dearie, what does THAT girl want, that girl is you” and setting boundaries for myself, because I can only control me. I achieved this path from reading spiritual (not religious) teachers and meditating. When I meditated it connected me with my body and developed my mind’s ability to choose what stimulus I would like to enter my mind through meditation and choose when to put it out of my mind and focus on my breath. Once I realised that I had the ability to choose what I let into my emotional, mental and physical space - I felt confident enough to do that to break psychological patterns and conditioning which doesn’t benefit the life I choose to have. Since then my mental and emotional health has improved so much, I’m laughing and dancing more, I’m still breaking my own patterns as I see them, some have been broken and some may remain there (both good and bad), but I no longer feel so helpless and with each pattern broken, I feel less and less helpless. ❤❤❤❤ Thank you for posting this video, it prompted me to keep breaking through psychological barriers 🙂
Excellent video ma'am 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Exceptional work! Very detailed breakdown with supporting evidence.
@PatienceXina thank you for a great channel! I always find your arguments logical and eloquent. Keep up the good work!
Wow! You're a very smart person! Your analysis of this phenomenon is spot-on. And also very pretty! 💜 Enjoyed your video, and look forward to hearing more of your engaging analyses in the future.
You are wonderful. It is sad how rare it is to find an intelligent and educated and non-hateful opinion, but here I find your channel and I thank you sincerely for your much needed viewpoint.
Another wonderful discussion. The Botswana interview supports something I heard a very long time ago about studies that were done on happiness. The subjects ranged from people of great privilege to paraplegics. The researchers were interested to understand how some paraplegics could be happy while some with great privilege could be unhappy. They concluded that the key to happiness was a feeling of being in control of ones life. It had little to do with the externalities of full physical capability or wealth, but rather had to do with the person's mindset and ability to achieve realistic goals they had set for themselves.
PATIENCEEEE!!!! MISSED YOU
Just a comment for the algorithm 🕊 Keep up the good work. Your parents must be so proud of your poise and eloquence. Wishing you and your channel every success!
Such a wonderfully assembled video!
You are a wonderful voice of sanity in this increasingly crazy world, another great video
Verry good insights. Nothing to add
One of the things that hidradenitis suppurativa taught me is that I can’t control everything, but I can still try to control some key factors and make good choices, in order to make things better. Even when things are mostly out of your control, you must take the reins and lead your own life. That’s the way you take care of yourself.
There’s a reason why health issues cause anxiety and depression: the feeling of being powerless. Taking the reins gives you back that power, at least partially. You may still have HS, depression and anxiety, but at least you are making your life better for yourself and your loved ones.
Sending love from Italy! ❤️
Or, as Jordan Peterson calls it, taking responsibility 🌝
I have known since I was in middle school (I'm now 39) that being a victim comes with special treatment and an easier road in many scenarios. I don't embrace it as a means of living for myself because I don't like not having agency over my life. It is true that certain circumstances require outside forces, such as with my small business - I needed my first few customers to take a chance on what I do and offer in order to get the ball rolling. But I still viewed that as something I had to make happen by showing up, networking, talking about what I do on social media and in real life to everyone I meet, and by not giving up. I would rather take the reins than be at the mercy of people's hearts, so this is why I don't play victim and why my husband and I discourage our kids from doing that.
This is an excellent take on victim mindset. While I don't consider myself a victim in many ways, through this video, I do think it's shown some areas I may be still holding on to victimhood. It's opened my eyes. Great commentary.
This was sooo insightful and well thought out Patience. I am the youngest of seven, now adults, and our family had a lot of brokenness and abuse in different forms. Two of my older siblings also helped perpetuate forms of abuse on some of us as well. Of the seven of us, those who were abused, than perpetuated abuse onto others are the most lost and broken of us all. My one brother was unbearable to hear him complain about his woe is me life. I on the other hand was fortunate to both break the cycle of abuse and victimhood. I did have to reconcile in my young adult years that I was a victim. But now that I am a mother myself, even though I know some of my mistakes and faults can be traced to my childhood, I absolutely take responsibility for my problems in my marriage and as a parent. Parenting is for sure the hardest thing I have done, and I know I have some predispositions maybe others wouldn't have because of my past. But no one else is to blame when I lose my temper with my kids, or get mad at my husband and don't handle it well. My mom also loves to play the victim blame game and I never want to put that on my kids. They are not responsible for my emotions not matter how they behave, they are children, it is my job as their mother to steer their behavior towards right, not get mad at them and make them feel guilty because they upset me. Ugh, annoys me just thinking about grown ass adults blaming everyone else for their problems.