When I told someone that my dad didn't like me too much....They asked me "So were you a bad child"?....No I was a good child. I just wasn't the golden child.
@@emilysmith2965 I was shocked when I heard it the first time. Especially that I was a good child, so it was even more shocking to me. I was so good, that I tried to be invisible, to not stick out, to not give my dad reasons to like me even less. Definitely victim blaming...
A hard lesson to learn. Mainly because the half-safe is where a child puts their need for connection and love, making do with crumbs..and when you figure out the half=not it is a shocking betrayal all over again but bitter because you at least thought.. this half-safe sees me & I've got this small crumb of love. Obviously the other one is a nutter that the poor half-safe has to deal with...turns out.. nope. There were adults in that mix who chose Not to protect you. It was a thinking choice that a full grown adult made that you would suffer because it was easier for them. The half-safes at their core are cowardly enablers...it's a bitter feeling to see them through adult eyes and to know they are just as unsafe and those crumbs were just that crumbs and far less than what a child deserves.
@leahweinberger583 Articulately well-said. And all factual, sadly. The shock of the betrayal (sometimes and many times, daily betrayal) is inexplicable. It's nothing short of sheer terror and it devours your self-love...to the point where we quite literally must be retaught how to give a shit about ourselves again. And, imagine for a sec- really try to be as empathetic as you possibly are able- having to endure that level of psychological, emotional, and physical attack, on the DAILY. For years. Decades. (And in turn many times, for generations, over and over.) It's almost completely unfathomable, isn't it? THIS is why this discussion MUST occur. It must be repeated. It must be spoken aloud in places where those who are seeking answers can hear. We survivors are some of the most resilient people on the planet. That's a FACT. We're goddamn WARRIORS, folks. Let us all remember this, and more importantly, give ourselves the accolades we deserve for learning to love ourselves again. I hope we all heal, learn, grow, progress, and always remember that there are many, many of us; you're never REALLY alone. Brightest blessings to you all. 🙏🏻☝🏻
funnily enough the "live your life" crowd doesn't know is when we confront our trauma and make peace with those feelings, that is when we actually "get over it" so to speak and live a good life.
My dad is one of these, he doesn't let anyone process even minor problems and acts surprised when someone blows up. I asked him point blank if he thinks we should swallow emotions and just be happy and he said "yes". He told me I'm the designated villain too, he probably thinks he was joking.
Also: in describing the family as orbiting the toxic mother made me feel like there is a strong comparison to be made of planets and stars orbiting a blackhole
Absolutely! The last supposedly highly qualified therapist I spoke to called me histrionic. When I said that that word had a very negative meaning for me, he replied that he needed to feel free to say what he thought without having to consider his words a thousand times. What do they teach these people anyway? Apart from the lack of awareness, the utter lack of sensitivity, compassion and emotional intelligence I encounter while searching for a therapist astounds me. Before this one was the guy who said ‚but you look fine‘ when I said I was suffering from depression, and the one who talked about himself for most of the session then offered to cheat on a diagnosis so my insurance would pay. I agree that a qualified therapist could be so helpful but frankly, I’ve only met bad and even malevolent ones. There should be better standards.
I hear you load and clear. 🤗 So typical of a response. A wall to protect their own avoidance of dealing with emotional discomfort. We were brainwashed by religious jargon .things like Honour thy father and mother. Wheres the rule for kids. , turn the other cheek…..Lots of other socially accepted bull.
I am so weary of this forgiveness crap. We are all still trying to grasp the crime perpetuated against us! Give us a damn minute, you self righteous boobs!
@Spock_Rogers I was ultimately relieved when my father passed this June. No grief there. Now I feel there is a possibility to fully heal. No shame in victim freedom!
Oh goodness… there is peace for me just thinking about the day my father passes away. I’ll forgive him on that day, and I will be free to move on. I’m already no contact, but things still come through
Same here! About 5 months after she died, and I was at the end of a 6-week grief support program, I suddenly had the thought, “Now I get to figure out who I am without my mother telling me who I am.” It was freeing. And an entirely NEW thought I hadn’t had before.
@@ellanina801 This is exactly how I'm feeling. Haven't seen him or spoken to him in 8 years, but there's still always something you hear through other family members or whatever.
Whenever I see comments from people claiming that, "Everyone wants their victim card stamped," I assume that those people have a lot of unresolved trauma of their own. They feel like they can't face their issues, and so, no one else should be allowed to either.
Another thing that is infuriating is that they also tend to see those that are perceived as victims as coming across as “entitled” or “delusionally entitled”. That’s what happened to me :(
People in this phase tend to be guarded with their personal life, too, because one would quickly see how much chaos they generate unnecessarily on the daily with their white knuckle grip on denial. They will eventually have to deal with their unsustainability or be forced to the sideline with health issues from their body keeping score.
This is so familiar to me. I “ruined” every family Christmas by asking normal small talk questions of like “How’s your business going?” to a golden child that nobody had told me had to close their business, and were hyper sensitive about it (just an example.) Instead of correctly me, it would automatically be assumed that I was inherently evil and trying to upset the person, the whole family would blow up and I’d end up sobbing all the way back to my apartment on public transportation. This happened so many times, and I’d psych myself up before every single holiday that this time would be different, this time I wouldn’t be so unintentionally evil, this time I’d say all the right things, be polite, make everyone happy. And somehow I’d end up saying something casual and small talkish and setting people off. Ask about someone’s cat? Turns out they ditched their cat when they moved and the new homeowners didn’t feed the cat and it died a slow painful death. Tell someone they look great, turns out they got a haircut they hate and they assume I’m making a sarcastic dig. On and on and on to the point where I assumed I must have been an evil WWII dictator in a previous life as I wasn’t intentionally saying THE WORST POSSIBLE STUFF at every fricken event. I stopped talking, but that was also bad and evil. Eventually I stopped going and they figured out ways to make that bad too. Now I have psyched myself up not to care. I don’t care if they all get together without me and talk about me. I don’t care. But the damage is also there that I now need to fix so I can have an ok life. I hope this person can eventually get away and get a better therapist.
Our society in the US is all about producing and consuming at a fast pace. There seems to be a widely accepted perception that you just take an antidepressant or pill and get on with your day. As though it's never okay to stop to process. Or that it's okay to not be okay sometimes. Just numb it and move on. Seems people who never really had adverse experiences don't really understand because they wouldn't be in a stuck place. They think you just take the meds or suck it up.
I noticed. They think anything not done at a fast pace isn't worth doing at all. Yet when you are learning a new skill it is better to be slow but sure but speed through and get it wrong.
Patrick you have achieved the status of SUPER HERO in my eyes. Your work, your free video content has saved more lives than just mine. You are indeed saving people all over the world because of what you are doing. I had no idea how damaged i was or how to repair the damage of so much abuse until I found your videos. Thank you for helping me heal, for helping others who need it, and for those who have yet to be healed. Saving the world....is just what Super Hero's do.
Agreed. I have a number of new coping tools in my belt now thanks to this man, and a frame of reference for my family's behavior so that I don't feel crazy when it is happening and no one else in the family is willing to address it. What a selfless man to share this with us for free.
Yasss, this! In the scope of things, I don't think he will ever REALLY know how many lives he's saved...I think about Patrick's way of acknowledging, interpreting, and educating others on the emotional/physiological effects of childhood trauma, and I find similarities in many ways of his thinking to the likes of Bessel van der Kolk; his intelligent, validating, understandable way makes a HUGE difference in the troves of people's lives he's touched. What greater gift can we possibly give to another suffering human being, when you think about it? He deserves the accolades, for sure. And many more.
I was so scared going into this because growing up in my family people spit the word “victim” but the word “abuse” didn’t exist. I feel so affirmed after listening to it.
Why do you have to seek affirmation from others? It needs to come from within. Expecting validation and affirmation from others will only put you in a roller coaster of emotions. The confidence needs to birth from within you for your recovery to work.
@@Jesusloves736 Hi, it sounds like you're unfamiliar with the psychology of abuse, abusive conditioning, the healing process, and the content of this video. I wish you well, and I hope you reconsider telling others how to process their experiences without first studying those topics. You might also examine what it is about @bsixtwelve9799's comment that prompted you to basically tell them not to listen to anyone else. Does that include yourself?
@bsixtwelve9799 Sounds like we have very similar families. It's like staying "agreeable" at all costs is the primary concern, even when some are being hurt. If someone says, "Ouch," the group shoots the messenger instead of challenging the abuser.
@@Jesusloves736 Acknowledgement is not the same as affirmation. Confidence is gained after one is healed which cannot happen without first acknowledging the trauma that happened. When someone grows constantly invalidated it's a form of gaslighting that creates self-doubt at a core subconcious level, also humans need adequate mirroring (validation, affirmation, etc.) esp at those crucial ages for healthy normal development. Everybody needs help at some point and people are where they are at, Do Not undermined someone's progress: OP's realization was huge. Do not expect someone to fly when they are taking the beginnings of shaky baby steps. If not willing to lend a helping hand then at least Leave them be. Also realize that "helpful" advice at the wrong time can do more harm & hinder progress. What OP needs most at this moment for their mental health is validation & recognition that they endured yet dismissed growing up was indeed abuse, that what they went through was abuse not someone playing "victim" mentality. To not dismiss themselves & their pain. So they can begin to heal, which is opposite of "victim mentality".
I'm listening the comments in the audio for the hypothetical situation and I am getting sick. It brings so many memories. All this crap but nobody says "I'm sorry... Are you ok?", like an sentient, empathetic human being. What's wrong with the world?? I keep listening. But I really needed to say this. It's putting in perspective so many memories... Thanks!! 🙏❤
People tend to do the opposite and say “just cope”. Or worse… blaming us and punishing us for the abuses against us. It’s so crazy how those flying monkeys will do anything for a narcissist.
It’s not the responsibility of others to piece back your broken heart. It’s yours alone. Expecting someone to do something or say something only takes you down a rabbit hole to don’t want to go down to. The journey is yours and yours alone. Everyone else have their own shit to deal with.
@@Jesusloves736 Have you watched the video? If you did, doesn't seem you understood it... Here we go... Another person without empathy giving lessons of "pick your shit together". If you have lost your heart in your own journey, don't throw it to us like " This is the way". We know already is not. We have been there and doesn't lead you to anywhere I want to spend more time in. If you don't have empathy, make space for the people that has it. Your words don't add anything good to our lives. Probably to yours neither, but to feel disconnected from the rest of the world. We know how to survive alone. We know how to "suck it up" and don't expect anything from anybody. We have been there. We did it. We survived. But... Now we want to LIVE. And for that we have to recognize the truth, what hurts, what we felt and feel about it, what happened... Something that we weren't allowed to do, but now, slowly, we are allowing ourselves to do. And part of it is to recognize that what they did and what you're doing now is b*****t, that the problem wasn't our natural emotions or needs, but the lack of empathy and presence of the people of our environment, plus the manipulation and abuse that was the norm before. I didn't have a voice before, but I do now. Go to another place where you feel praised for your words and your a parent strength (negation of emotions and reality). If that's your choice, it's your life. But I am not wasting more time in that path. Good luck!
@@Jesusloves736 that’s not what the op was saying. There should be some empathy and compassion in the world instead of people saying just cope and move on. Also, human beings are interdependent by nature so we require other humans. Nobody is supposed to do the work to heal other people, sure, but it is generally necessary to associate with safe people to heal. Saying are you okay is a very valid need.
I was already traumatized as a teenager when I came across Louise Hay's teachings which I thought were mind blowing and positive for me. 'You can heal your life' was one of her books. She encouraged positivity at all costs. 'It's only a thought and a thought can be changed' was one of her core ideas. As I learned and discovered more about myself, about other people and most of all about trauma, I found out it's not that simple. You have to feel and process your feelings. That is a damn hard job and it takes a long time. You don't have to be positive all the time. It is essential to be able to see reality for what it is and to see your childhood for how it really was, to be able to distance yourself from the abusers, which ofen include your own parents. Louise Hay encouraged to forgive them in order to be at peace with yourself. That type of positivity is toxic and is based on denial. I am so glad for the resources that exist nowadays and I did appreciate this podcast Patrick.
Yes!! I found the same Louise Hay book on a random Target run in the early 2000s. It was very attractive with colorful pages and peaceful-looking art- I thought I had found my solution!! Let me tell you, I walked around for YEARS saying “I love myself and I approve of myself” almost every second in my head, and it got me NOWHERE but into yet ANOTHER narcissistic relationship that became a ten year narcissistic marriage. Along came my beautiful children whom I am so grateful for, but as I was miscarrying our fourth child, we were all discarded in the most BRUTAL way! BRUTAL! My kids and I are still in the very early stages of healing and just now beginning to get on our feet 5 years on, and all those positive affirmations got me nowhere but further stuffing the grief and blaming myself. Thanks for bringing this up, I will never forget my Louise Hay days and how ridiculous it seems to me now. I was a fool!
Yes, it’s true. Many of us have been down this path. Well intentioned, but not necessarily effective and we keep searching. Trying to tune into one’s own gut may be helpful to identify when something doesn’t feel quite right, but so many of us have lost this because we learned not to trust ourselves but others opinions or advice. It’s a moving target that keeps us from figuring out where to look in the first place.
You've probably covered this topic and I just can't find it, but if not, please talk about how childhood trauma can lead to a scarcity mentality, low self-esteem, and utter mystery when it comes to handling financial matters. There is a certain toxicity that manifests as people valuing things over other people, like their children, and it can come out as controlling, manipulation, and hyper-criticism that leads the child to thinking that he or she really can't function well in this world. I've been crippled from childhood trauma that often centered around things, finances, and earning a living. I have a profound fear of handling money. I need to do some serious self-parenting around it, and I don't know where to begin.
@@youtube.account.deleted this was 10 years ago. was this the norm? were therapists unaware of the things they are today? i guess i’ll never know why he chose to advise me in that direction.
Some are good but most bad. Students get treated like they are malingerers only wanting a sick note to get out of lectures or as an excuse as to why an essay was late being handed in. Or they brought it in themselves by drinking heavily and late nights. Yet students get sick like anyone else. They have moved to a new city where they haven't developed immunity to the local flu and cold viruses. Which is why you get colds a lot whenever you move to a different town or city or even go on holiday. My father said every September people returned from holidays bringing new viruses with them and spreading them about at school and work.
It's insane to me essentially hearing my life story thrown back at me, Thanksgiving family breakdown and all. But on the other hand it's extremely validating, knowing that it was that bad, and that other people have gone through the same thing.
I just adore this man...something about him exudes such realism; thank you Patrick, for loving yourself enough to calm your heart and mind, to heal and grow enough to help US calm ourselves, heal, and grow too. You are a blessing to us all. Keep up your bravery and your obvious zest for learning and helping others, for you are moving mountains. Really. Just- thank you. (Ok, I'm done stop "spammin' up" your comment section! 😂 Felt I needed to say it.)
Thank you so much for this! I’ve heard all those things. Sometimes the secondary abuse inflicted by the people we turn to for help and validation can be almost worse than the primary abuse.
Thank you for this. I’ve been working on my CPTSD for the past 2 years. As I have no insurance and little money, your videos are truly helping me grow and realize who I am and why. I look forward to what you bring to my tool box in the future! Thank you again!
Yep I’m old now and I JUST figured out my family will not or cannot value me enough to treat me like a human being. I’ve tried repeatedly to engage with all of them. I kept believing if I only adapted myself better to their needs and past traumas or helped and supported them more or more skillfully validated their feelings and experiences they’d want to remain connected. Couldn’t be further from the truth. More I adapted the more contempt and avoidance I received. Some are tone deaf at best 🥶 ice seems to run in others veins. Half safe describes a positive encounter. Discarded like an old shoe. I can no longer deal with their consistent betrayals.
I actually took a therapist course to learn how to be more empathetic and have a conversation without things blowing up. Turns out I was always the better communicator, they literally recoil like vampires if I use empathetic language. I thought if I learned to accommodate and have a calm conversation and not get mad, it would help, but they were pushing my buttons on purpose so they could get away with their childishness.
Yep. Doing enough work to realize that your poor pitiful sibling is actually the crapstorm Firestarter because they are bitterly jealous of you breathing was QUITE the eye opener.
omg omg when Jay went to Al-anon and stopped because he felt shame, that’s me!! i went because my dad was an alcoholic and all 3 siblings. but it was my mom who really shook me up from her screaming and yelling. and then when Jay sees the victim shaming stuff and identifies as a victim negatively, that was me too. i always didn’t agree and was adamant that i was just processing. glad i stuck up for myself there.
The entire description of this child and family system just left me thinking “Wow I didn’t realize my name was J. Doe 🙃” lol.. but in all seriousness, I’m so thankful for this series. Thank you Patrick for providing this super valuable content to help us in our healing journey!
This is my story. The details vary some, but the gist is the same. I bet most of you feel the same. It took me until late in life to find my people, but I’m so glad I’m here.
You read my mind again. I was in 12 step for 17yrs. And coming out I realize there was major abuse that is still there that hasn't healed. I don't want to feel like I'm the problem or something happened because I xyz, the self examination or inventory isn't my issue, I know my character defects. I telling the other people or myself that I have a victim mentality is the reason why I get uncomfortable with allowing people to know me. It makes people looks like they are bad. Ooohhh weee..thank you for clarifying what I've been saying in my mind internally. For awhile. Thank you Patrick for continuing to validate the societal non spoken issues and honesty and validating what individual goes through as children abusive family.
I was at times a "golden child" or "hero" in my family (not always, but in a weirdly emphasized way), but I don't see myself in typical narratives about golden children. I was parentified (even though I was the fourth child, it was like I was the oldest taking care of my younger two siblings). I was slapped and whipped with a belt and pinched and bit by adults. I had very specific roles I was expected to fulfill, not only in my family but in terms of little things I didn't want to do like ballet and singing in choir. I was literally given a "message from God" that it was my job to bring all of my siblings back to the church I was raised in (and have since left), and promised in that same blessing that I would be successful. When I left the church, it broke my parent's heart (they had witnessed the blessing from the church elder, and yes it was 100% considered a direct message from God). At times I was like a therapist for my parents, including during their divorce, which was a completely dissociating space to be in. And when I did speak up against an unsafe person or defend someone else, the response was that I had been given so much and now I was essentially spitting in the face of my benefactors. Personally I feel like I relate to almost everything in J Doe's experience, even though I occupied more of a golden child role. I don't think any child escapes unscathed from a dysfunctional system.
Still going on but some people have started to wake up to it. I woke up to it when travelling anywhere out of town for the day or a few days. Trains would be cancelled or break down when on it. There would be signal failures. The same with the London Underground. There was nearly always a crash on the motorway or dual carriageway when travelling home in the late afternoon. On winding country roads, you often get stuck behind a slow tractor. Because of that I allowed extra time for a journey but the toxic positivity crowd wouldn't hear of that. When I took a steamer from Penarth to Ilfracombe and from there to Lundy Island it got choppy in the middle of the Bristol Channel so people got seasick. I predicted that in a dream just before waking up that morning so took seabands with me that take the edge of travel sickness. I felt rough but wasn't actually sick unlike most on the steamer.
"The Myth of Normal" Dr Gabor Mate.. If the whole society is denying the violent paradigm we live in and that trauma even exists, it will shame members into conforming or contributing to it. It is hard and brave to stand up and say 'no', that's not how it is, for me or for you either, when there is so much invested in keeping the status quo and protecting the perpetrators and the greater tribe or society. Finally I see this breaking down all over. Even in the realm of animal rights and abuses, where the denial and cognitive dissonance is particularly strong.
So glad you aired this one as a podcast because more people need to hear this message and stop victim-blaming folks who have survived and are still trying to get help to fully heal from terribly abusive situations. All it does is cause more setbacks retraumatization and keep us stuck in the very thing that people are upset with us experiencing. Thank you Patrick for all your work and I'm glad you're doing this podcast
Fantastic video! You described my first 25 years of life with my abusive family and the more I listen to you the more appreciative I am of the therapist I saw in my 20s. She was a lifeline when I was drowning and she taught me how to be my own lifeline. The work was so intense but worth it! Ty for this! 👍
I love this I can relate to it as well I’m disabled mentally and I can’t ask for therapy because have to ask her but she’s having issues herself and now she’s elderly she has trouble sleeping she has pain she’s in her 70s I am in my 30s but she’s religious too I want my independence I can’t rely on her I don’t like it I don’t know what to do so I can’t and don’t like to rely on my family
It's so strange to hear things like "Soldiers are quite a common theme for trauma survivors." during a bad therapy session, I was told to take out toys that resembled my family and my parents were soldiers pointing guns at me. Just hearing things that I've done or have been done to me from others, it's such a bizarre experience.
If my therapist ever compared my CPTSD to that of a Service Man or Women’s PTSD, I think I would have to restrain myself from bitch slapping him or her for their total lack of respect for both my own trauma and that, which our soldiers experience in combat. I can’t even wrap my head around your therapist using this as a comparison. They should not be practicing therapy if they have no knowledge of the difference between civilian CPTSD and what our Soldiers experience just being in the Military. God help them if they are deployed and see actual combat because living on a Military Base is damaging to the psyche in & of itself. 42:40 I’m sorry for ranting. My son just came home from 9 years 7 months of being in the U.S. Army. He will never be the same person he was before he experienced the horrors that occurred on the Bases he was assigned to. He served as Military Police, a member of the SRT Team, and Special Forces for 3 years in Middle Eastern Countries. I grieve for the loss of the Young Man I dropped off for basic training September 19, 2013. I am the proudest mother ever for all his accomplishments, awards, ribbons, metals, stripes, braids, and recognition. But I would give my own life to erase the horrors he witnessed as a soldier. God bless each & everyone of the young men & women who give up years of their lives to protect ours. They are all hero’s. #Hooray #BlessOurTroops #Proudest Mom Ever 🪖👮🏽♀️⭐️🎖️⏳🧨⚰️🪦❤️🤍💙🩶💚🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸
I’m an only child in another country, but this was uncannily close to my own story. Mine was a “looks good on paper” family of origin and I was almost 60 before I realised how dysfunctional we were. I am slowly recovering and reaching a genuinely positive mindset, but for way too long it was toxically positive. Thank you for this validation
I came across an autistic psychiatrist on YT who discussed how disordered "normal" people are. In fact, he jokingly stated how pathological "neurotypicals" are, in general. It was parody, but there's truth to it. I don't think emotional juggernauts exist. And even those who've put in the work, for whatever reasons, don't always 'get it'. I come across as using platitudes myself, at first blush. But I only talk about myself, and there was a lot of messiness that came before I could reach any of those points. People love to overlook the in-between, and messy, steps. It's a huge part of the problem. One that even well-meaning, ignorant, "normal" people feed. I may not be normal by any definition of the word. But if self-righteous superiority, based in cherry picking and ignorance, is "normal" I want no part of it. I don't want to be isolated. Don't get me wrong. But, if those were my only choices, I'd rather be alone than become more like that. Flippant attitudes, when confronted with a person who's suffered, is always based in some sort of ignorance. It's not attractive.
I can't get along with extreme NTs anymore than I can with people who have severe autism and are either nonverbal or selectively mute where they deliver monologues to a selectively few people in their lives and don't bother with dialogues or responding to people. The NTs are at the other extreme. Some people call them 'basic', 'normies' or NPCs. They are the type to befriend everyone and mimic them to try to get along with them. They pretend to be one thing with one person and another thing with a second person. The mainstream media demonstrate typical NT behaviour to TV viewers. One year, they are pushing everyone to take up partner dancing. The following year, it is choirs. They want us all to follow the same fads as they do, so we all have the same hobbies.
Oh dear, that's so familiar to me that the dad is the soldier for the narcissistic mom, that's how it was in my family, and to a point still is, except now he can't physically hurt me anymore. Why did they have to be so f:d up... Exhausting.
Thank you so much. Years of seeking help. How many times I've given up on finding it. 30 years of doing this almost completely on my own. You've described here alot of my experience. Frustrating. Barely anyone one can hold the space.
Patrick So much respect for the Respect you show those who have a different perspective at this time in their lives. A true healing to me is to have more equanimity and not so fixed . Merci
I cannot thank you enough for devoting your life, or what it seems, to this topic. I just gone through 47 years of hell and I'm just waking up to this abuse. I thought people were crazy when I first began reading some of the comments in these videos. I then realized it's all true it's all true. I feel so @#_&Ed up. I can't thank you enough sir thank you very much
I feel incredible sick and shaky listening to this. I was reliving my childhood, teenage years and 20s in those 42 minutes. Just change "mom" to "dad" and "dad" to "mom", not being queer and not having a partner who's into meditation but everything else is uncomfortably true.
Patrick, I'm crying and I hate crying. Your J. Doe could be me, it's so accurate. You will never know how much you help me and so many other trauma survivors
Great video - very helpful. Thank you. Patrick! If you're not happy, you're doing something wrong..." No. It's aversion to us processing our wounds. Just in need of a safe witness. Doing therapy is getting on with our lives. 💥 Keep asking: "What is so threatening to them about you discussing or processing your factual abuse?" They can't handle it.
Sometimes those kind of people will perceive people who have these so called victim mentalities as coming across as “entitled” that’s happened with me… sad
Brilliant! I’m so grateful that you took the time to put this all together and lay it out in this way. This is immense help and support for those who’ve suffered childhood trauma, and just really - brilliantly done. I hope everyone everywhere listens to this episode.
ppl are extremely confused about "forgiveness". You forgive people for being a little late, forgetting to buy bread, or turning left instead of right. You don't have to forgive people that "intentionally" try to harm you. they need to be accountable and you need "justice". Contrary to popular advice, you CAN heal without forgiving. In fact you should never forget what they are capable of, this keeps you safe. But like all injuries, you are scarred. The scar never goes away, it's a part of you.
Perfect timing - going to LC/NC family funeral out of state this wknd. *Also* will be using this for my 12 step sponcee's when they start to make assumptions.
this channel has helped me understand so much confusion i have experience throughout my lifetime. Your videos are long, but I have watched many of them several times. You have made me feel a sense of sanity and I am so thankful for this channel.
I really look forward to seeing the video about Religious Abuse! I experienced this. And so have many people that I know. It's not talked about often enough.
My mother thinks she’s justified when she tells one of us to “Get Over It!” I have always thought that it was the rudest, most insensitive, condescending, emotionally damaging expression. It completely dismisses all of your feeling and gives you no way to deal with the emotions and pain that you’re left feeling ashamed about. A few years ago during a conversation we were having, she used that expression about someone she was belittling. I finally took the opportunity to tell her how rude and dismissive that expression was. That it was demeaning and made her sound condescending, insensitive, and as if she thought she was superior to the person she was telling to “Get Over It”. Since then she has never used that expression in my presents. I think I finally got through to her. I may have even shamed her. But more likely she’s saying it to someone else about me! 🙁
I can sincerely say that I do not want to be a victim, I don't want attention for my experiences or feelings. I just want to work through them and find a way to feel better. I think sometimes I slide too far to the side of not acknowledging my experiences though in order to not come across as having a victim mentality.
Patrick i love your content so much. Examining the family system through your lens is so interesting, though I wish i could relate to your examples more. I was a victim of paternal incest and had drug induced amnesia about the events until I spent the night with a boy for the first time. Ever since I've had this deep pit of shame starting to form. I'll add detail about the family system in the parenthesis (I immediately went no contact with my father, who I was at the time very close to. My mom believed me but never talked about it after i first brought it up. a teacher reported it to the cops and there was a lackluster investigation that ended in a big fat "there's nothing we can do to help you". I had to keep it a secret from my peers at school even though it was tearing me apart, and to top it all off I was in a sexually violent relationship that caused me to miss school during that time period. I haven't really healed that shame. In fact, it just keeps getting worse and spreading to more areas of my life. My emotions run my life and the people around me are kind of tired of it.) I'd really love if you explored the affects of incest, especially emotional incest, on a family system. Some way to gain a little insight into what happens when theres too much of the wrong kind of affection or responsibility being given to a child in any capacity really. Seriously love what you do, ive been a viewer for several years now. You're doing great work connecting people to their inner child. Thanks for this podcast episode!
Thank you so much Patrick for this! UA-cam is my only resource for this kind of content. I have been denied mental health support because "my autism exacerbates my conditions". (Yeah as if I didn't know that!) I have a weekly support person who is well meaning but everything you said I relate too coming back at me. I have been accused of playing victim so many times. I am the last person to want attention drawn to me for the sake of it. People don't get the processing of trauma as you say. My mind struggles with processing at the best of times, nevermind trauma! I live a quiet life that suits me and I'm ok with that, it's negative societal attitudes that make me feel isolated whilst also processing shame and what I actually experienced. I stick to facts of the matter as you mentioned, it's really weird and destabalizing around half safe people. Once again thanks for this content. :)
I have been vilified, told I was “needy,” that “I was actually the problem,” shamed for just being human, etc. I just want to be seen, to know I’m not crazy for being upset, it’s like they think I am whiny, spoiled, ungrateful, etc. They may know absolutely nothing about me (these people don’t - usually they are online strangers). I was detailing how my family is hypercritical, gossips as soon as you leave the room, is unforgiving, materialistic, condemning, and don’t attempt to withhold judgment about just about anything. I have been borderline discriminated against because of my pregnancy at work. In fact I think because of my childhood I developed bad coping mechanisms that made me a target at work as well. I was upset and several others saw what I did. I find there is ALWAYS at least one completely damning person in the comments in some of the online groups I’ve been in if I’m in a bad place and need support. I just want support, it’s not about attention. Sometimes I think my feelings aren’t valid. Subconsciously I’ve been taught they aren’t my entire life. I’m somebody who learned to put others before myself - I’ve had people tell me I had no confidence, that I was too passive, needed to advocate for myself. The people on these boards don’t know me - I’m a child of abuse. That’s why I had these issues and sometimes I truly don’t have anyone to turn to. I was even blind to those wounds for many years. I thought I was fine, but there were several around me that nudged me to seek therapy. They themselves had sought therapy and saw how wounded I was. One of my best friendships was someone who endured religious trauma and had sought therapy. She recognized some part of herself in me and became close to me. I didn’t realize it but she was telling me I needed to address my trauma to move forward in my life. Those are the people that get it. There are so many who don’t and you end up thinking you are not allowed to be a survivor of anything.
I'd be willing to bet you probably come across twice as many clients who don't even recognize their issues are rooted in anything involving their childhood and family than those clients who want attention for their victimhood.
I feel bad for Jay. The only thing I would have done differently is not tell them at a Holiday and I probably wouldn't even have gone around them for the holiday to begin with. That family is totally dysfunctional.
Was in 12 step groups (and still am) for almost 11 years…and you’re right. I use it as one tool of many. People are people, and 12 step meetings and groups, sponsors, sponsees, etc are no different. Very very true!
I also can’t do things myself because she’s mostly holding my information even if i want therapy I can’t cross streets on my own I do feel powerless and stuck right now I don’t know how to do a lot on my own because my dysfunctional family is selfish and impatient they don’t even understand my disability nor do they educate themselves more about my learning disabilities because she claims to know because of a dead doctor that diagnosed me when I was a baby
I was wondering how much bullying in school including perhaps enabling teachers creates childhood trauma and if that is similar and your info wld help or is there someone who looks into this as you do regarding families.?
Christine, you said it so well. Forgiveness is about giving yourself the freedom to move on. Not suppressing the lesson we have learned. 👍🏻💪🏻 #stronger
Thank you to all who are brave enough to share your stories. I read most of them and I feel like I have a safe haven even though you are strangers, but I feel like we are going through the same thing. We're all trying to heal. May you be filled with loving kindness!!
Described as very similar to my own situation. As the outcast I have no one to speak with about this and so I do a lot of thinking to myself. That being said, this video content dissected by you was very validating, as much of what you explained I had arrived at in my trying to reason things out in my own thoughts. Also, I really could understand the part about when Jay meets others _(who are them self still likely "running", therefore making them only "half safe people")_ and how they expect him to get over things just by doing some quick "click your heels three times" gimmicks. 'Went through this last year after meeting a new _"friend"_ and unfortunately trusting enough to try open up a bit to. According to her she had a narcissistic mother. After we both had disclosed to each other that we each had a narcissistic parent I patiently listened to her stories from her childhood and expressed some support. She also claimed to me that she was _"all over her past childhood trauma"._ Fortunately I sensed early on not to open up much to her, but the one or two times I tried she quickly shot me down by saying _"my father did the best he could"._ I never tried opening up again to her and eventually tried gently letting that budding "friendship" go. She kept trying to contact for seven months, but eventually moved on to someone else to extract her nectar from. At first it seemed only logical to me that she might _"get"_ my story, too, but I should have listened to my gut more closely after she flippantly said the part of how she was all past her trauma.
Patrick, do you have any advice on dealing with people who tell you to just get it done or don't seem to understand just how much it takes you to get through the day when you're experiencing many health issues as a result of complex trauma?
When I told someone that my dad didn't like me too much....They asked me "So were you a bad child"?....No I was a good child. I just wasn't the golden child.
Also being a bad child doesn’t justify bad parenting or lack of love. People really don’t understand what the word “unconditional” means.
No I'm just not a drinker like he is.
@@emilysmith2965 I was shocked when I heard it the first time. Especially that I was a good child, so it was even more shocking to me. I was so good, that I tried to be invisible, to not stick out, to not give my dad reasons to like me even less. Definitely victim blaming...
Well said.
Brilliant insight.
My mom told me not to blame her for my problems once. But she’s happy to blame her parents for hers.
Holy fuck. This is so true, thank you.
Narcissists are such hypocrites.
As Patrick has stated many times:
" 'Half-safe' is not 'SAFE' ".
And he's correct.
It's as simple as that.
Now read that again.
thankyou.
@@alysmarcus7747 💗
A hard lesson to learn. Mainly because the half-safe is where a child puts their need for connection and love, making do with crumbs..and when you figure out the half=not it is a shocking betrayal all over again but bitter because you at least thought.. this half-safe sees me & I've got this small crumb of love. Obviously the other one is a nutter that the poor half-safe has to deal with...turns out.. nope. There were adults in that mix who chose Not to protect you. It was a thinking choice that a full grown adult made that you would suffer because it was easier for them. The half-safes at their core are cowardly enablers...it's a bitter feeling to see them through adult eyes and to know they are just as unsafe and those crumbs were just that crumbs and far less than what a child deserves.
@leahweinberger583
Articulately well-said.
And all factual, sadly.
The shock of the betrayal (sometimes and many times, daily betrayal) is inexplicable. It's nothing short of sheer terror and it devours your self-love...to the point where we quite literally must be retaught how to give a shit about ourselves again. And, imagine for a sec- really try to be as empathetic as you possibly are able- having to endure that level of psychological, emotional, and physical attack, on the DAILY.
For years.
Decades.
(And in turn many times, for generations, over and over.)
It's almost completely unfathomable, isn't it?
THIS is why this discussion MUST occur. It must be repeated. It must be spoken aloud in places where those who are seeking answers can hear.
We survivors are some of the most resilient people on the planet.
That's a FACT.
We're goddamn WARRIORS, folks.
Let us all remember this, and more importantly, give ourselves the accolades we deserve for learning to love ourselves again.
I hope we all heal, learn, grow, progress, and always remember that there are many, many of us; you're never REALLY alone. Brightest blessings to you all. 🙏🏻☝🏻
funnily enough the "live your life" crowd doesn't know is when we confront our trauma and make peace with those feelings, that is when we actually "get over it" so to speak and live a good life.
Yep. A big part of living is simply acknowledging what you have already lived through.
This. Nail on head. It doesn't happen in a day.
My dad is one of these, he doesn't let anyone process even minor problems and acts surprised when someone blows up. I asked him point blank if he thinks we should swallow emotions and just be happy and he said "yes". He told me I'm the designated villain too, he probably thinks he was joking.
Yep. Dated a therapist. She told me to get over it. I asked her how. She didn't know. Felt not so good.
@@bryanmccaffrey4385 Lol. Was she any good at her job? Did she have any clients raving about the quality of her work??
"CONFUSING SEEKING HELP WITH ATTENTION SEEKING IS AS DIFFERENT AS NIGHT AND DAY." Thank you very much for this validation 💖💖💖
Also: in describing the family as orbiting the toxic mother made me feel like there is a strong comparison to be made of planets and stars orbiting a blackhole
Absolutely!
The last supposedly highly qualified therapist I spoke to called me histrionic. When I said that that word had a very negative meaning for me, he replied that he needed to feel free to say what he thought without having to consider his words a thousand times.
What do they teach these people anyway? Apart from the lack of awareness, the utter lack of sensitivity, compassion and emotional intelligence I encounter while searching for a therapist astounds me. Before this one was the guy who said ‚but you look fine‘ when I said I was suffering from depression, and the one who talked about himself for most of the session then offered to cheat on a diagnosis so my insurance would pay.
I agree that a qualified therapist could be so helpful but frankly, I’ve only met bad and even malevolent ones. There should be better standards.
What I really hate hearing when I talk about what happened to me is “I really hope you can forgive them someday!” This is so infuriating.
I hear you load and clear. 🤗
So typical of a response. A wall to protect their own avoidance of dealing with emotional discomfort. We were brainwashed by religious jargon .things like Honour thy father and mother. Wheres the rule for kids. , turn the other cheek…..Lots of other socially accepted bull.
You forgive them not for them, you do it for you. Without forgiveness, you cannot move on.
I am so weary of this forgiveness crap. We are all still trying to grasp the crime perpetuated against us! Give us a damn minute, you self righteous boobs!
@@Jesusloves736That’s CRAP! Maybe it worked for you. But It doesn’t work that way for everyone.
Forgiveness is BS. We really only need to forgive our younger selves for being fooled.
I hate to say it, but my mother's death was very freeing for me. 💔
@Spock_Rogers I was ultimately relieved when my father passed this June. No grief there. Now I feel there is a possibility to fully heal. No shame in victim freedom!
Oh goodness… there is peace for me just thinking about the day my father passes away. I’ll forgive him on that day, and I will be free to move on. I’m already no contact, but things still come through
Same here! About 5 months after she died, and I was at the end of a 6-week grief support program, I suddenly had the thought, “Now I get to figure out who I am without my mother telling me who I am.” It was freeing. And an entirely NEW thought I hadn’t had before.
I will be the same. I grieved a lot already. She can't let me down when she's dead
@@ellanina801 This is exactly how I'm feeling. Haven't seen him or spoken to him in 8 years, but there's still always something you hear through other family members or whatever.
Whenever I see comments from people claiming that, "Everyone wants their victim card stamped," I assume that those people have a lot of unresolved trauma of their own. They feel like they can't face their issues, and so, no one else should be allowed to either.
Another thing that is infuriating is that they also tend to see those that are perceived as victims as coming across as “entitled” or “delusionally entitled”. That’s what happened to me :(
Seems to me like they're in denial.
People in this phase tend to be guarded with their personal life, too, because one would quickly see how much chaos they generate unnecessarily on the daily with their white knuckle grip on denial. They will eventually have to deal with their unsustainability or be forced to the sideline with health issues from their body keeping score.
Ummm I hope you can see you are doing the same thing lol
@@Jesusloves736 Except I'm not, I'm not claiming anything remotely similar to the quote I used.
This is so familiar to me. I “ruined” every family Christmas by asking normal small talk questions of like “How’s your business going?” to a golden child that nobody had told me had to close their business, and were hyper sensitive about it (just an example.) Instead of correctly me, it would automatically be assumed that I was inherently evil and trying to upset the person, the whole family would blow up and I’d end up sobbing all the way back to my apartment on public transportation. This happened so many times, and I’d psych myself up before every single holiday that this time would be different, this time I wouldn’t be so unintentionally evil, this time I’d say all the right things, be polite, make everyone happy. And somehow I’d end up saying something casual and small talkish and setting people off. Ask about someone’s cat? Turns out they ditched their cat when they moved and the new homeowners didn’t feed the cat and it died a slow painful death. Tell someone they look great, turns out they got a haircut they hate and they assume I’m making a sarcastic dig. On and on and on to the point where I assumed I must have been an evil WWII dictator in a previous life as I wasn’t intentionally saying THE WORST POSSIBLE STUFF at every fricken event. I stopped talking, but that was also bad and evil. Eventually I stopped going and they figured out ways to make that bad too. Now I have psyched myself up not to care. I don’t care if they all get together without me and talk about me. I don’t care. But the damage is also there that I now need to fix so I can have an ok life.
I hope this person can eventually get away and get a better therapist.
Our society in the US is all about producing and consuming at a fast pace. There seems to be a widely accepted perception that you just take an antidepressant or pill and get on with your day. As though it's never okay to stop to process. Or that it's okay to not be okay sometimes. Just numb it and move on. Seems people who never really had adverse experiences don't really understand because they wouldn't be in a stuck place. They think you just take the meds or suck it up.
I noticed. They think anything not done at a fast pace isn't worth doing at all. Yet when you are learning a new skill it is better to be slow but sure but speed through and get it wrong.
Patrick you have achieved the status of SUPER HERO in my eyes. Your work, your free video content has saved more lives than just mine. You are indeed saving people all over the world because of what you are doing. I had no idea how damaged i was or how to repair the damage of so much abuse until I found your videos. Thank you for helping me heal, for helping others who need it, and for those who have yet to be healed. Saving the world....is just what Super Hero's do.
Agreed. I have a number of new coping tools in my belt now thanks to this man, and a frame of reference for my family's behavior so that I don't feel crazy when it is happening and no one else in the family is willing to address it. What a selfless man to share this with us for free.
Yasss, this!
In the scope of things, I don't think he will ever REALLY know how many lives he's saved...I think about Patrick's way of acknowledging, interpreting, and educating others on the emotional/physiological effects of childhood trauma, and I find similarities in many ways of his thinking to the likes of Bessel van der Kolk; his intelligent, validating, understandable way makes a HUGE difference in the troves of people's lives he's touched.
What greater gift can we possibly give to another suffering human being, when you think about it?
He deserves the accolades, for sure.
And many more.
Glad you found him, and glad you're here! Patrick's videos are also getting me through a difficult time.
Agreed ❤❤❤❤
Agree eeee🎉
I was so scared going into this because growing up in my family people spit the word “victim” but the word “abuse” didn’t exist. I feel so affirmed after listening to it.
Why do you have to seek affirmation from others? It needs to come from within. Expecting validation and affirmation from others will only put you in a roller coaster of emotions. The confidence needs to birth from within you for your recovery to work.
Well-said.@@Jesusloves736
@@Jesusloves736 Hi, it sounds like you're unfamiliar with the psychology of abuse, abusive conditioning, the healing process, and the content of this video. I wish you well, and I hope you reconsider telling others how to process their experiences without first studying those topics. You might also examine what it is about @bsixtwelve9799's comment that prompted you to basically tell them not to listen to anyone else. Does that include yourself?
@bsixtwelve9799 Sounds like we have very similar families. It's like staying "agreeable" at all costs is the primary concern, even when some are being hurt. If someone says, "Ouch," the group shoots the messenger instead of challenging the abuser.
@@Jesusloves736 Acknowledgement is not the same as affirmation. Confidence is gained after one is healed which cannot happen without first acknowledging the trauma that happened. When someone grows constantly invalidated it's a form of gaslighting that creates self-doubt at a core subconcious level, also humans need adequate mirroring (validation, affirmation, etc.) esp at those crucial ages for healthy normal development. Everybody needs help at some point and people are where they are at, Do Not undermined someone's progress: OP's realization was huge. Do not expect someone to fly when they are taking the beginnings of shaky baby steps. If not willing to lend a helping hand then at least Leave them be. Also realize that "helpful" advice at the wrong time can do more harm & hinder progress. What OP needs most at this moment for their mental health is validation & recognition that they endured yet dismissed growing up was indeed abuse, that what they went through was abuse not someone playing "victim" mentality. To not dismiss themselves & their pain. So they can begin to heal, which is opposite of "victim mentality".
Suggestions for reframing by a therapist was the single most damaging thing that has occurred in my life outside of the actual abuse!
I'm 9 months into going, no contact, AGAIN with a family member. I recently was contacted, I felt sick to my stomach, I'm done.
I'm listening the comments in the audio for the hypothetical situation and I am getting sick. It brings so many memories. All this crap but nobody says "I'm sorry... Are you ok?", like an sentient, empathetic human being. What's wrong with the world??
I keep listening. But I really needed to say this. It's putting in perspective so many memories...
Thanks!! 🙏❤
People tend to do the opposite and say “just cope”. Or worse… blaming us and punishing us for the abuses against us. It’s so crazy how those flying monkeys will do anything for a narcissist.
It’s not the responsibility of others to piece back your broken heart. It’s yours alone. Expecting someone to do something or say something only takes you down a rabbit hole to don’t want to go down to. The journey is yours and yours alone. Everyone else have their own shit to deal with.
@@RavenStealstheNight it’s not their problem, that’s why they don’t want to get involved. Period.
@@Jesusloves736
Have you watched the video? If you did, doesn't seem you understood it...
Here we go... Another person without empathy giving lessons of "pick your shit together". If you have lost your heart in your own journey, don't throw it to us like " This is the way". We know already is not. We have been there and doesn't lead you to anywhere I want to spend more time in. If you don't have empathy, make space for the people that has it. Your words don't add anything good to our lives. Probably to yours neither, but to feel disconnected from the rest of the world. We know how to survive alone. We know how to "suck it up" and don't expect anything from anybody. We have been there. We did it. We survived. But... Now we want to LIVE. And for that we have to recognize the truth, what hurts, what we felt and feel about it, what happened... Something that we weren't allowed to do, but now, slowly, we are allowing ourselves to do. And part of it is to recognize that what they did and what you're doing now is b*****t, that the problem wasn't our natural emotions or needs, but the lack of empathy and presence of the people of our environment, plus the manipulation and abuse that was the norm before. I didn't have a voice before, but I do now. Go to another place where you feel praised for your words and your a parent strength (negation of emotions and reality). If that's your choice, it's your life. But I am not wasting more time in that path. Good luck!
@@Jesusloves736 that’s not what the op was saying. There should be some empathy and compassion in the world instead of people saying just cope and move on.
Also, human beings are interdependent by nature so we require other humans. Nobody is supposed to do the work to heal other people, sure, but it is generally necessary to associate with safe people to heal. Saying are you okay is a very valid need.
I was already traumatized as a teenager when I came across Louise Hay's teachings which I thought were mind blowing and positive for me. 'You can heal your life' was one of her books. She encouraged positivity at all costs. 'It's only a thought and a thought can be changed' was one of her core ideas. As I learned and discovered more about myself, about other people and most of all about trauma, I found out it's not that simple. You have to feel and process your feelings. That is a damn hard job and it takes a long time. You don't have to be positive all the time. It is essential to be able to see reality for what it is and to see your childhood for how it really was, to be able to distance yourself from the abusers, which ofen include your own parents. Louise Hay encouraged to forgive them in order to be at peace with yourself. That type of positivity is toxic and is based on denial. I am so glad for the resources that exist nowadays and I did appreciate this podcast Patrick.
Well said Kuutamo73
To me the worse one by far is Byron Katie who says sexually abused children bare responsibility equal to the perpetrator.
Yes!! I found the same Louise Hay book on a random Target run in the early 2000s. It was very attractive with colorful pages and peaceful-looking art- I thought I had found my solution!! Let me tell you, I walked around for YEARS saying “I love myself and I approve of myself” almost every second in my head, and it got me NOWHERE but into yet ANOTHER narcissistic relationship that became a ten year narcissistic marriage. Along came my beautiful children whom I am so grateful for, but as I was miscarrying our fourth child, we were all discarded in the most BRUTAL way! BRUTAL! My kids and I are still in the very early stages of healing and just now beginning to get on our feet 5 years on, and all those positive affirmations got me nowhere but further stuffing the grief and blaming myself. Thanks for bringing this up, I will never forget my Louise Hay days and how ridiculous it seems to me now. I was a fool!
Yes, it’s true. Many of us have been down this path. Well intentioned, but not necessarily effective and we keep searching. Trying to tune into one’s own gut may be helpful to identify when something doesn’t feel quite right, but so many of us have lost this because we learned not to trust ourselves but others opinions or advice. It’s a moving target that keeps us from figuring out where to look in the first place.
@@sunnygirl9691wow, I didn’t know that. That’s a lot of awful responsibility.
You've probably covered this topic and I just can't find it, but if not, please talk about how childhood trauma can lead to a scarcity mentality, low self-esteem, and utter mystery when it comes to handling financial matters. There is a certain toxicity that manifests as people valuing things over other people, like their children, and it can come out as controlling, manipulation, and hyper-criticism that leads the child to thinking that he or she really can't function well in this world. I've been crippled from childhood trauma that often centered around things, finances, and earning a living. I have a profound fear of handling money. I need to do some serious self-parenting around it, and I don't know where to begin.
my college therapist told me that my husband who was hitting me was probably stressed and i should understand that. last time i saw a therapist.
That therapist needed to read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I'm sorry they told you that.
@@mohamstaz3618 thanks. i should check out that book too!
@@youtube.account.deleted this was 10 years ago. was this the norm? were therapists unaware of the things they are today? i guess i’ll never know why he chose to advise me in that direction.
I'm so glad the toxicity of the 12 step programs are mentioned.
EXTREMELY accurate depiction of student-services “therapy.” Thank you, Patrick.
Seriously... i appreciate Patrick labeling it as abusive
Some are good but most bad. Students get treated like they are malingerers only wanting a sick note to get out of lectures or as an excuse as to why an essay was late being handed in. Or they brought it in themselves by drinking heavily and late nights.
Yet students get sick like anyone else. They have moved to a new city where they haven't developed immunity to the local flu and cold viruses. Which is why you get colds a lot whenever you move to a different town or city or even go on holiday. My father said every September people returned from holidays bringing new viruses with them and spreading them about at school and work.
It's insane to me essentially hearing my life story thrown back at me, Thanksgiving family breakdown and all.
But on the other hand it's extremely validating, knowing that it was that bad, and that other people have gone through the same thing.
I just adore this man...something about him exudes such realism; thank you Patrick, for loving yourself enough to calm your heart and mind, to heal and grow enough to help US calm ourselves, heal, and grow too.
You are a blessing to us all.
Keep up your bravery and your obvious zest for learning and helping others, for you are moving mountains. Really.
Just-
thank you.
(Ok, I'm done stop "spammin' up" your comment section! 😂 Felt I needed to say it.)
Thank you so much for this! I’ve heard all those things. Sometimes the secondary abuse inflicted by the people we turn to for help and validation can be almost worse than the primary abuse.
Absolutely!
Thank you for this. I’ve been working on my CPTSD for the past 2 years. As I have no insurance and little money, your videos are truly helping me grow and realize who I am and why. I look forward to what you bring to my tool box in the future! Thank you again!
Are you aware that he’s also offering his materials for free on his website? If not, check it out.
Yep I’m old now and I JUST figured out my family will not or cannot value me enough to treat me like a human being. I’ve tried repeatedly to engage with all of them. I kept believing if I only adapted myself better to their needs and past traumas or helped and supported them more or more skillfully validated their feelings and experiences they’d want to remain connected. Couldn’t be further from the truth. More I adapted the more contempt and avoidance I received. Some are tone deaf at best 🥶 ice seems to run in others veins. Half safe describes a positive encounter. Discarded like an old shoe. I can no longer deal with their consistent betrayals.
I actually took a therapist course to learn how to be more empathetic and have a conversation without things blowing up. Turns out I was always the better communicator, they literally recoil like vampires if I use empathetic language. I thought if I learned to accommodate and have a calm conversation and not get mad, it would help, but they were pushing my buttons on purpose so they could get away with their childishness.
Yep. Doing enough work to realize that your poor pitiful sibling is actually the crapstorm Firestarter because they are bitterly jealous of you breathing was QUITE the eye opener.
omg omg when Jay went to Al-anon and stopped because he felt shame, that’s me!! i went because my dad was an alcoholic and all 3 siblings. but it was my mom who really shook me up from her screaming and yelling.
and then when Jay sees the victim shaming stuff and identifies as a victim negatively, that was me too.
i always didn’t agree and was adamant that i was just processing. glad i stuck up for myself there.
The entire description of this child and family system just left me thinking “Wow I didn’t realize my name was J. Doe 🙃” lol.. but in all seriousness, I’m so thankful for this series. Thank you Patrick for providing this super valuable content to help us in our healing journey!
This is my story. The details vary some, but the gist is the same. I bet most of you feel the same. It took me until late in life to find my people, but I’m so glad I’m here.
Me too. I love utube. Better than the many therapist's I've seen in my life. They just don't get the subtleties of much of the abuse.
I've had that same recurring nightmare of being publicly shamed in class.
You read my mind again. I was in 12 step for 17yrs. And coming out I realize there was major abuse that is still there that hasn't healed. I don't want to feel like I'm the problem or something happened because I xyz, the self examination or inventory isn't my issue, I know my character defects. I telling the other people or myself that I have a victim mentality is the reason why I get uncomfortable with allowing people to know me. It makes people looks like they are bad. Ooohhh weee..thank you for clarifying what I've been saying in my mind internally. For awhile. Thank you Patrick for continuing to validate the societal non spoken issues and honesty and validating what individual goes through as children abusive family.
I was at times a "golden child" or "hero" in my family (not always, but in a weirdly emphasized way), but I don't see myself in typical narratives about golden children. I was parentified (even though I was the fourth child, it was like I was the oldest taking care of my younger two siblings). I was slapped and whipped with a belt and pinched and bit by adults. I had very specific roles I was expected to fulfill, not only in my family but in terms of little things I didn't want to do like ballet and singing in choir. I was literally given a "message from God" that it was my job to bring all of my siblings back to the church I was raised in (and have since left), and promised in that same blessing that I would be successful. When I left the church, it broke my parent's heart (they had witnessed the blessing from the church elder, and yes it was 100% considered a direct message from God). At times I was like a therapist for my parents, including during their divorce, which was a completely dissociating space to be in. And when I did speak up against an unsafe person or defend someone else, the response was that I had been given so much and now I was essentially spitting in the face of my benefactors.
Personally I feel like I relate to almost everything in J Doe's experience, even though I occupied more of a golden child role. I don't think any child escapes unscathed from a dysfunctional system.
Those "stay positive" stories and comments sound like early '00. Toxic positivity was really on the rise then.
Still going on but some people have started to wake up to it.
I woke up to it when travelling anywhere out of town for the day or a few days. Trains would be cancelled or break down when on it. There would be signal failures. The same with the London Underground. There was nearly always a crash on the motorway or dual carriageway when travelling home in the late afternoon. On winding country roads, you often get stuck behind a slow tractor. Because of that I allowed extra time for a journey but the toxic positivity crowd wouldn't hear of that.
When I took a steamer from Penarth to Ilfracombe and from there to Lundy Island it got choppy in the middle of the Bristol Channel so people got seasick. I predicted that in a dream just before waking up that morning so took seabands with me that take the edge of travel sickness. I felt rough but wasn't actually sick unlike most on the steamer.
"The Myth of Normal" Dr Gabor Mate.. If the whole society is denying the violent paradigm we live in and that trauma even exists, it will shame members into conforming or contributing to it.
It is hard and brave to stand up and say 'no', that's not how it is, for me or for you either, when there is so much invested in keeping the status quo and protecting the perpetrators and the greater tribe or society.
Finally I see this breaking down all over.
Even in the realm of animal rights and abuses, where the denial and cognitive dissonance is particularly strong.
Love this musical intro
So glad you aired this one as a podcast because more people need to hear this message and stop victim-blaming folks who have survived and are still trying to get help to fully heal from terribly abusive situations. All it does is cause more setbacks retraumatization and keep us stuck in the very thing that people are upset with us experiencing. Thank you Patrick for all your work and I'm glad you're doing this podcast
Fantastic video! You described my first 25 years of life with my abusive family and the more I listen to you the more appreciative I am of the therapist I saw in my 20s. She was a lifeline when I was drowning and she taught me how to be my own lifeline. The work was so intense but worth it!
Ty for this! 👍
I guess for a lot of my life I felt like feeling ashamed of myself was correct because I was fundamentally incorrect.
I love this I can relate to it as well I’m disabled mentally and I can’t ask for therapy because have to ask her but she’s having issues herself and now she’s elderly she has trouble sleeping she has pain she’s in her 70s I am in my 30s but she’s religious too I want my independence I can’t rely on her I don’t like it I don’t know what to do so I can’t and don’t like to rely on my family
Thanks need this. Stuck back here after more set backs and ppl braking their word.
It's so strange to hear things like "Soldiers are quite a common theme for trauma survivors." during a bad therapy session, I was told to take out toys that resembled my family and my parents were soldiers pointing guns at me. Just hearing things that I've done or have been done to me from others, it's such a bizarre experience.
If my therapist ever compared my CPTSD to that of a Service Man or Women’s PTSD, I think I would have to restrain myself from bitch slapping him or her for their total lack of respect for both my own trauma and that, which our soldiers experience in combat.
I can’t even wrap my head around your therapist using this as a comparison. They should not be practicing therapy if they have no knowledge of the difference between civilian CPTSD and what our Soldiers experience just being in the Military. God help them if they are deployed and see actual combat because living on a Military Base is damaging to the psyche in & of itself. 42:40
I’m sorry for ranting. My son just came home from 9 years 7 months of being in the U.S. Army. He will never be the same person he was before he experienced the horrors that occurred on the Bases he was assigned to. He served as Military Police, a member of the SRT Team, and Special Forces for 3 years in Middle Eastern Countries. I grieve for the loss of the Young Man I dropped off for basic training September 19, 2013.
I am the proudest mother ever for all his accomplishments, awards, ribbons, metals, stripes, braids, and recognition. But I would give my own life to erase the horrors he witnessed as a soldier.
God bless each & everyone of the young men & women who give up years of their lives to protect ours. They are all hero’s.
#Hooray #BlessOurTroops
#Proudest Mom Ever 🪖👮🏽♀️⭐️🎖️⏳🧨⚰️🪦❤️🤍💙🩶💚🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸
I’m an only child in another country, but this was uncannily close to my own story. Mine was a “looks good on paper” family of origin and I was almost 60 before I realised how dysfunctional we were. I am slowly recovering and reaching a genuinely positive mindset, but for way too long it was toxically positive. Thank you for this validation
I swear you're the only person on here that makes any sense of all this family stuff
Omg yes!! A podcast from you is a godsend!!
I came across an autistic psychiatrist on YT who discussed how disordered "normal" people are. In fact, he jokingly stated how pathological "neurotypicals" are, in general. It was parody, but there's truth to it.
I don't think emotional juggernauts exist. And even those who've put in the work, for whatever reasons, don't always 'get it'. I come across as using platitudes myself, at first blush. But I only talk about myself, and there was a lot of messiness that came before I could reach any of those points. People love to overlook the in-between, and messy, steps. It's a huge part of the problem. One that even well-meaning, ignorant, "normal" people feed.
I may not be normal by any definition of the word. But if self-righteous superiority, based in cherry picking and ignorance, is "normal" I want no part of it.
I don't want to be isolated. Don't get me wrong. But, if those were my only choices, I'd rather be alone than become more like that.
Flippant attitudes, when confronted with a person who's suffered, is always based in some sort of ignorance. It's not attractive.
What was the channel name? Or the autistic psychiatrist? I would love to check that out.
Thanks for this comment- you are so appreciated.
I can't get along with extreme NTs anymore than I can with people who have severe autism and are either nonverbal or selectively mute where they deliver monologues to a selectively few people in their lives and don't bother with dialogues or responding to people.
The NTs are at the other extreme. Some people call them 'basic', 'normies' or NPCs. They are the type to befriend everyone and mimic them to try to get along with them. They pretend to be one thing with one person and another thing with a second person. The mainstream media demonstrate typical NT behaviour to TV viewers. One year, they are pushing everyone to take up partner dancing. The following year, it is choirs. They want us all to follow the same fads as they do, so we all have the same hobbies.
Just listening to this has given me so much relief 🙏
I love this podcast idea that focuses on stories. It's a calming validation of the pain and terror in our childhood.
Thanks for your hard work
Great picture of you, Patrick! You look genuinely happy; that inspires all of us. Brightest blessings! ❤
Alanon can be helpful as Patrick says, but sometimes you can’t “detach with love”. You just need to detach. Period.
Oh dear, that's so familiar to me that the dad is the soldier for the narcissistic mom, that's how it was in my family, and to a point still is, except now he can't physically hurt me anymore. Why did they have to be so f:d up... Exhausting.
Thank you so much. Years of seeking help. How many times I've given up on finding it. 30 years of doing this almost completely on my own. You've described here alot of my experience. Frustrating. Barely anyone one can hold the space.
Patrick
So much respect for the Respect you show those who have a different perspective at this time in their lives.
A true healing to me is to have more equanimity and not so fixed . Merci
I cannot thank you enough for devoting your life, or what it seems, to this topic. I just gone through 47 years of hell and I'm just waking up to this abuse. I thought people were crazy when I first began reading some of the comments in these videos. I then realized it's all true it's all true. I feel so @#_&Ed up. I can't thank you enough sir thank you very much
All of this was so spot on 🎯
I feel incredible sick and shaky listening to this. I was reliving my childhood, teenage years and 20s in those 42 minutes. Just change "mom" to "dad" and "dad" to "mom", not being queer and not having a partner who's into meditation but everything else is uncomfortably true.
Patrick, I'm crying and I hate crying. Your J. Doe could be me, it's so accurate. You will never know how much you help me and so many other trauma survivors
Great video - very helpful. Thank you. Patrick!
If you're not happy, you're doing something wrong..."
No. It's aversion to us processing our wounds.
Just in need of a safe witness.
Doing therapy is getting on with our lives.
💥 Keep asking: "What is so threatening to them about you discussing or processing your factual abuse?" They can't handle it.
Fantastic. Thank you! De-gendering helps me focus on the story, the trauma…. And just really helps me. As it can happen to anyone. Thank you 🙏🏾 ❤
And so much more abt this episode that I loved and related to!!❤
Thanks Patrick! I always find your videos super validating. You give me the acknowledgment and support my family doesn't.
Sometimes those kind of people will perceive people who have these so called victim mentalities as coming across as “entitled” that’s happened with me… sad
Brilliant! I’m so grateful that you took the time to put this all together and lay it out in this way. This is immense help and support for those who’ve suffered childhood trauma, and just really - brilliantly done. I hope everyone everywhere listens to this episode.
ppl are extremely confused about "forgiveness". You forgive people for being a little late, forgetting to buy bread, or turning left instead of right.
You don't have to forgive people that "intentionally" try to harm you. they need to be accountable and you need "justice".
Contrary to popular advice, you CAN heal without forgiving. In fact you should never forget what they are capable of, this keeps you safe. But like all injuries, you are scarred. The scar never goes away, it's a part of you.
Perfect timing - going to LC/NC family funeral out of state this wknd. *Also* will be using this for my 12 step sponcee's when they start to make assumptions.
this channel has helped me understand so much confusion i have experience throughout my lifetime. Your videos are long, but I have watched many of them several times. You have made me feel a sense of sanity and I am so thankful for this channel.
this saved my life
You are such a blessing ❤
I really look forward to seeing the video about Religious Abuse!
I experienced this.
And so have many people that I know.
It's not talked about often enough.
Why do I fangirl over Patrick hahah 😅
This described my journey almost to a t!!! Thank you for all you do 🙏🏿🙏🏿
My mother thinks she’s justified when she tells one of us to “Get Over It!” I have always thought that it was the rudest, most insensitive, condescending, emotionally damaging expression. It completely dismisses all of your feeling and gives you no way to deal with the emotions and pain that you’re left feeling ashamed about. A few years ago during a conversation we were having, she used that expression about someone she was belittling. I finally took the opportunity to tell her how rude and dismissive that expression was. That it was demeaning and made her sound condescending, insensitive, and as if she thought she was superior to the person she was telling to “Get Over It”. Since then she has never used that expression in my presents. I think I finally got through to her. I may have even shamed her. But more likely she’s saying it to someone else about me! 🙁
I can sincerely say that I do not want to be a victim, I don't want attention for my experiences or feelings. I just want to work through them and find a way to feel better. I think sometimes I slide too far to the side of not acknowledging my experiences though in order to not come across as having a victim mentality.
Hearing those comments he was reading was so irritating. Very Facebook boomer opinions
Boomers were abused children, too.
Patrick i love your content so much. Examining the family system through your lens is so interesting, though I wish i could relate to your examples more.
I was a victim of paternal incest and had drug induced amnesia about the events until I spent the night with a boy for the first time. Ever since I've had this deep pit of shame starting to form. I'll add detail about the family system in the parenthesis (I immediately went no contact with my father, who I was at the time very close to. My mom believed me but never talked about it after i first brought it up. a teacher reported it to the cops and there was a lackluster investigation that ended in a big fat "there's nothing we can do to help you". I had to keep it a secret from my peers at school even though it was tearing me apart, and to top it all off I was in a sexually violent relationship that caused me to miss school during that time period. I haven't really healed that shame. In fact, it just keeps getting worse and spreading to more areas of my life. My emotions run my life and the people around me are kind of tired of it.)
I'd really love if you explored the affects of incest, especially emotional incest, on a family system. Some way to gain a little insight into what happens when theres too much of the wrong kind of affection or responsibility being given to a child in any capacity really.
Seriously love what you do, ive been a viewer for several years now. You're doing great work connecting people to their inner child. Thanks for this podcast episode!
You are a particularly talented therapist - so much admiration for the work that you do.
Whooooweeee! Loved this! I’m nodding my head in the carpool line, like- yes! Omg! Give this man a megaphone! 🎉
This one right here is your masterpiece
Thank you so much Patrick for this! UA-cam is my only resource for this kind of content. I have been denied mental health support because "my autism exacerbates my conditions". (Yeah as if I didn't know that!) I have a weekly support person who is well meaning but everything you said I relate too coming back at me. I have been accused of playing victim so many times. I am the last person to want attention drawn to me for the sake of it. People don't get the processing of trauma as you say. My mind struggles with processing at the best of times, nevermind trauma! I live a quiet life that suits me and I'm ok with that, it's negative societal attitudes that make me feel isolated whilst also processing shame and what I actually experienced. I stick to facts of the matter as you mentioned, it's really weird and destabalizing around half safe people. Once again thanks for this content. :)
Patrick tú eres número uno! Merci beaucoup
I have been vilified, told I was “needy,” that “I was actually the problem,” shamed for just being human, etc. I just want to be seen, to know I’m not crazy for being upset, it’s like they think I am whiny, spoiled, ungrateful, etc. They may know absolutely nothing about me (these people don’t - usually they are online strangers). I was detailing how my family is hypercritical, gossips as soon as you leave the room, is unforgiving, materialistic, condemning, and don’t attempt to withhold judgment about just about anything. I have been borderline discriminated against because of my pregnancy at work. In fact I think because of my childhood I developed bad coping mechanisms that made me a target at work as well. I was upset and several others saw what I did. I find there is ALWAYS at least one completely damning person in the comments in some of the online groups I’ve been in if I’m in a bad place and need support. I just want support, it’s not about attention. Sometimes I think my feelings aren’t valid. Subconsciously I’ve been taught they aren’t my entire life. I’m somebody who learned to put others before myself - I’ve had people tell me I had no confidence, that I was too passive, needed to advocate for myself. The people on these boards don’t know me - I’m a child of abuse. That’s why I had these issues and sometimes I truly don’t have anyone to turn to. I was even blind to those wounds for many years. I thought I was fine, but there were several around me that nudged me to seek therapy. They themselves had sought therapy and saw how wounded I was. One of my best friendships was someone who endured religious trauma and had sought therapy. She recognized some part of herself in me and became close to me. I didn’t realize it but she was telling me I needed to address my trauma to move forward in my life. Those are the people that get it. There are so many who don’t and you end up thinking you are not allowed to be a survivor of anything.
I'd be willing to bet you probably come across twice as many clients who don't even recognize their issues are rooted in anything involving their childhood and family than those clients who want attention for their victimhood.
The mind games of the narcissist person, parent or otherwise are never ending
Gaslighting is their mode of operadi
Channge a victim mentality into a victors mentality! Keep educating yourself and learn to establish firm boundaries with others fof yourself sake.
Oh, my goodness! I have had these experiences! 🙋♀️ Good podcast. Yes, most of us just want validation and healing.
I feel bad for Jay. The only thing I would have done differently is not tell them at a Holiday and I probably wouldn't even have gone around them for the holiday to begin with.
That family is totally dysfunctional.
Was in 12 step groups (and still am) for almost 11 years…and you’re right. I use it as one tool of many. People are people, and 12 step meetings and groups, sponsors, sponsees, etc are no different. Very very true!
It was so toxic there
I'm so glad your channel popped up on my feed. Thank you for existing( and i mean that in the most non-superficial way)♡
Great podcast/video! Very much appreciated.
I also can’t do things myself because she’s mostly holding my information even if i want therapy I can’t cross streets on my own I do feel powerless and stuck right now I don’t know how to do a lot on my own because my dysfunctional family is selfish and impatient they don’t even understand my disability nor do they educate themselves more about my learning disabilities because she claims to know because of a dead doctor that diagnosed me when I was a baby
Tgis is real. My little brother took his life 8 years ago due to this. Im back in university studying it now.
I was wondering how much bullying in school including perhaps enabling teachers creates childhood trauma and if that is similar and your info wld help or is there someone who looks into this as you do regarding families.?
Wow ❤
Thank you 🫂🥰
Christine, you said it so well. Forgiveness is about giving yourself the freedom to move on. Not suppressing the lesson we have learned. 👍🏻💪🏻 #stronger
Thank you to all who are brave enough to share your stories. I read most of them and I feel like I have a safe haven even though you are strangers, but I feel like we are going through the same thing. We're all trying to heal. May you be filled with loving kindness!!
Always appreciate your content, thank you ❤
Most people can comment easy behind their computer but wouldn’t have the guts to say it to someone’s face
Described as very similar to my own situation. As the outcast I have no one to speak with about this and so I do a lot of thinking to myself. That being said, this video content dissected by you was very validating, as much of what you explained I had arrived at in my trying to reason things out in my own thoughts.
Also, I really could understand the part about when Jay meets others _(who are them self still likely "running", therefore making them only "half safe people")_ and how they expect him to get over things just by doing some quick "click your heels three times" gimmicks. 'Went through this last year after meeting a new _"friend"_ and unfortunately trusting enough to try open up a bit to. According to her she had a narcissistic mother. After we both had disclosed to each other that we each had a narcissistic parent I patiently listened to her stories from her childhood and expressed some support. She also claimed to me that she was _"all over her past childhood trauma"._
Fortunately I sensed early on not to open up much to her, but the one or two times I tried she quickly shot me down by saying _"my father did the best he could"._ I never tried opening up again to her and eventually tried gently letting that budding "friendship" go. She kept trying to contact for seven months, but eventually moved on to someone else to extract her nectar from. At first it seemed only logical to me that she might _"get"_ my story, too, but I should have listened to my gut more closely after she flippantly said the part of how she was all past her trauma.
This describes my mother and my father perfectly. I feel so much anger about that.
Mine as well. 100% spot on.
It's such a good & insightful video, thank you so much!
When trauma is extreme enough you won't have much of a memory left so it all doesn't matter.
Patrick, do you have any advice on dealing with people who tell you to just get it done or don't seem to understand just how much it takes you to get through the day when you're experiencing many health issues as a result of complex trauma?
this is the best explanation i've heard for this phenomena!
Gracefully stated! Thank you!!!!!❤