As a single woman, I am pursuing a degree that could potentially give me a good career. But I have always viewed it as a backup plan in case I am not able to get married or need to help provide for my family. As soon as I get married and have a child I am completely willing to put my job aside because what I actually desire is raising a good Catholic family. I absolutely agree that men should look a little deeper into what women truly desire before they dismiss them. What else are women supposed to do if they are unmarried in this society? I loved this discussion.
My parents wanted me to join the navy or do college because they don't think I'll ever get married, but I don't want to waste my time getting a career that I hate. lol
I feel very similarly! I am going back to school for counseling, and if God gives me a husband before/during/after I get my degree then I will let go of that career path I was set on to start a family.
This is such a fascinating discussion thanks for bringing it up. I saw a lot of the trad circle in NYC. The men, especially early twenties, I noticed tended temperamentally to be masking social awkwardness and emotional immaturity with a lot of knowledge about random Catholic encyclicals from centuries ago that make them appear much more serious and mature than they are. On the flip side for women, it's a real hedge practically speaking. There's so many fewer holy Catholic men who are really ready to be husbands that what will she do if she doesn't have a good career to pay the rent in the meantime? It's not like a girl will "be supported by her parents until she marries" in this day and age. I've heard from so many girlfriends, "I thought I would be married by now and now I have to take my career more seriously because what happens if I just don't find anyone?"
Oh my goodness, that point about awkward young adults quoting encyclicals is painfully relatable 😅 It's common in Massachusetts, too, I'm afraid. (And if you want to see it on full display, check out r/CatholicDating on Reddit. I have to hope those guys wouldn't say in person the things they write online, but their ideas about women's role in society tend to be frighteningly narrow.)
@@monkey6207 Oh, agreed, for sure. I just think it's a shame that it's a trend, and I wish there were a clear solution. Women certainly deserve better than to be condescended to by immature men who claim to have read more papal documents, but I think young men also deserve better than to place their identity as a man in the sort of radicalizing ideology that some (not all) Catholic trad personalities are teaching. I don't think these guys are born ego maniacs - I wonder what we as a Church can do better to interrupt this cycle. Sometimes I think we need Catholic charm school 😅
When people choose to use devotions as an indicator of holiness, you will miss someone who is actually holy. For example, I remember hearing this one man talk about how it seemed that women who veil were holier and more devote than those who did not. I veil and I was extremely put off by that because of the fact that I knew a woman who was much holier than I. She did not veil but she was a very holy woman. Due to health issues, she suffered greatly at the end of her life and she took on any suffering that God sent her. She felt so close to Jesus in her suffering. When her life was coming to an end, she took just enough pain killers so she could talk to people and that was it. She passed without anyone, with exception of a select few, knowing how truly sick she was at the end of her life. She did not veil. She was quiet and sat in a pew and prayed. Yet, she was one of the holiest women I have ever known.
I have a buddy who married a woman who had a very solid career. He asked her about putting the kids first, she said that she wanted to put the kids first and stay at home with them. Then after they got married and had kids, she starting feeling like her college degree was being wasted and she needed to go back to work. My buddy felt duped. I am not condoning the guys' behavior, but I am trying to diagnose. This is probably why a lot of guys are outright dismissing women who have careers because they may begin feeling this mindset. I personally have had several women I dated tell me that they want to be a stay at home mom, but it is too late because then their college degree will be wasted. I appreciate them telling me while we are dating.
I think that's understandable, if I were a guy I would mostly likely think the same and my 4 brothers would agree. There are women who genuinely long for motherhood regardless of their occupation, but others fall into the lie of wanting to basically be a provider like their husband.....it's like a woman wanting to be a man, that mystical flesh that is one starts to grow 2 heads and no heart, basically a beast and the beauty is lost, so I think it's healthy to add that it's good to be picky in a non arrogant way, women are picky too, you must be for any vocation.
That was amazing! We watched a real Catholic couple talk about real problems in a healthy way. No idealized, Instagram-like perfection. Just two humans beings, each with their own uniqueness. And in the end, you can see they are greatly in love with each other.
This was awesome - When you are a single lady, you want to be involved in something and contribute and that plays out in the workplace. There is a big gap between being single and involved with work and when we have the opportunity to take care of a family and put our spouse and kids first. What are we supposed to be doing as a single woman? Only volunteering is not sustainable... having a middle of the road work that is not utilizing our skills is brutal. It is possible to be a working woman initially and then decide that when we have a family we will raise our kids. This 100% needs to be discussed between couples to identify priorities and values!
The only reason I avoided women who were working on their degree or had their degree was because it started to feel like they were judging me for not yet having my degree. Even though I am certified in a skilled trade and would lay out my plan with that career and how I planned to finish my degree, the conversation would often die down and subsequently stop after that. No, I was never told "you don't have your degree already, I'm not interested", but it was too coincedental that after that talk, the girl would ghost me or kill the conversation.
I'm so sorry for that, dude. I have an entertainment job that pays ok and just came back to Catholicism. I have a feeling that's keep Catholic women away from me too. Sucks bad.
I got this in my recommended videos several times before I decided to click, but I am very glad I did. I'm not really the raddest of trads in the ways that you described, but I have idealized those images of masculinity without realizing I needed to fill those boots (so to speak). And as for regarding women with a certain standard of "holiness" or "devotion" in mind - I didn't realize at all that I was doing this until now! And I see how it's harmed my attitude up to this point, and I will be wary of it moving forward, but more than that I will focus on growing in authentic masculinity, in embodying the essence before the rest. Finally, a last note: watching you two as a couple over the course of a few weeks has been so illuminating to me as someone discerning marriage. Your candor and obvious love and commitment is not just instructive, but inspiring. So thank you for being yourselves, Cameron and Matt! God Bless you!
To throw an anonymous Catholic family member under the bus, he told me he didn’t consider dating any women in his class because they were on track to become a doctor (as he was). I’m a lawyer. So imagine how I heard that.
That is unfortunate. It wasn’t his reason, I know bc I challenged him on it. He said he wanted a stay at home mom and assumed they wouldn’t be. So it was exactly what Cameron is talking about. But that is good to know. Thanks
I gotta say, now I see where a lot of the wisdom, balance, and beauty of Matt's words and ideas come from. You've been a great inspiration Cameron, for Matt and for all of us!
On the flip side, It’s so heartbreaking to have an ONLY career oriented Catholic woman...which doesn’t seem like she’s very “Catholic” if she doesn’t take her faith serious and puts her career first rather than her vocation. Yet there’s definitely a balance and woman are totally capable of having careers. Matt hit it with the nail on the head, a woman can be working 40-50 hours and say she puts her family first, but most men want a woman who desires primarily to be a home maker when it is most needed. Nothing is more heartbreaking when you see a Catholic mom who has a full time job, hates it, doesn’t really need to work since the husband makes a good living and she puts her job first at the end of the day....this is such a great episode though. Tough topic to discuss since it hits home with a lot of couples and families.
I met a "Catholic" guy like that and it ended up badly. He was so hyper focused on my spiritual growth, on my purification, while he was not even able to be faithful. He was always the initiator when it came to leading us both into sin. We would have had sex if I did not have boundaries. He fits perfectly your description, Cameron. He was a porn addict (he said he was over it but I very much doubt it now) who was worried about finding a pure woman who would be pure for two people. Everything is very unconscious but it's a mess to live it. I had immense pressure on myself while there was a huge double standard for him. People who think they are holier and declare it are usually the most unholy people. Very prideful and arrogant. I wouldn't be willing to marry someone like that. He hated modern women as well. In retrospect, I think he hated them because they were too independent and he could not control them as he wished. If you read this, please pray for me.
I get what Cameron is trying to say but I agree with Matt. Being in love is great but once married there are realities that should have been discussed before. Marriage prep is a great idea. Even if an issue is not a deal breaker it can be another stress on the marriage. My husband and I would argue about issues we both agreed on. 🤣🤣 Happily married 20 years.
Great point about communicating their desires for families and careers around 14:30! I think more men and women should be more open to discussion about their commitment and roles within families and careers. Discussing each other’s desires would make the relationship a bit easier to a degree since the man and woman in a relationship would know where the other is at. Thank you for bringing that up!
I feel like maybe from both sides, but watching my brother asking girls out on dates and meet girls online on Catholic Match, that I've seen girls also not give a guy a chance. And my thought is well you don't think he looks like your type or something? Well when my husband asked me out I was not looking at him at all and he didn't seem my physical type, but I gave him a chance because none of the other guys I knew in person were asking me out, and I'm not trying to be picky and alone forever! And the attraction grew and it worked out!
For real, women do idealize the guys they want to marry a whole lot, and sometimes these expectations may equal or surpass those of men. Here in my country, at least, many pages have been selling an idea of masculinity that seems to expect all men to be aggressive bodybuilding types, while still being extremely intelligent, philosophical, and also rich and willing to be richer. If this is the case, I am pretty screwed.
St. Gianna and St. Zelie both were working moms and wives. Both regularly attended daily mass. If God is drawing you to someone it is important to consider that He might have a better idea of their Holiness and what their future plans are...why would we dismiss someone God sends into your life?
I think in the search for truth a lot of young men come up with some over the top, one-size-fits-all theories they will learn in ten years from now are not realistic and can actually hurt people. That's why I'd never date someone labelling them self 'trad'. Yuck. I'm just Catholic.
Both Catholic men and catholic women are equally judgmental towards other women and men. But Jesus did say that those who follow him will be hated. So if people are hating you because you are practicing Catholicism in a different rite than them, and your conscience is right with God, you are probably on the right track. There are always many reasons people act socially atypical and judgmental. We can only pray for them and place any wounds we received from those words in God’s hands. If God wants you to be with someone nothing will stop it. If something stops it, then that person probably wasn’t your person.
I've heard way too many protestants and fringe religious sects use that train of logic about "the right track," so be wary... look to facts, not a self satisfied or prideful feeling of being in the minority.
My husband and I had these conversations. So thankful we did! However, I think this is not just a guy to girl problem. I have a brother who has experienced these same issues. Obviously not because he doesn't veil... lol...but because he's not "Latin Mass" tux kind of guy. I have also heard from other ladies that they're waiting for these tuxedo guys....So I think it can go both ways. Loved that ya'll addressed this "problem". My husband and all always enjoy listening to you two!
I think the key here was said at 30:00. "You and I would have figured it out." This is what marrying another person made in the image and likeness of God IS. You choose to walk forward together and that takes *daily* discernment for the rest of your life. Beyond what you vow in your marriage vows, pretty much everything else has to be continuously discerned and re-discerned, because your lives are continuously changing. You will both always win, because you're on the same team with the same goal: getting each other to heaven.
DANG. This is so good. I know exactly what Cameron is talking about, and I really appreciate that Matt challenged the idea a little bit for the sake of clarity. Really good discussion on both sides. I've definitely felt like the "liberal Catholic" in certain groups ~simply~ because I love the documents of Vatican II, love JPII and Benedict, etc. Just like non rad trads can sometimes lump all TLM loving people into one judgy bunch, there is also DEFINITELY the idea that if you regularly go to and love Novus Ordo, that somehow you are less spiritually developed. Really not trying to throw everyone under the bus---but even when some of my really good TLM friends try to talk about their experience and preferences regarding liturgy in a very sensitive and charitable way, it still manages to come off as extremely condescending. The cosplay thing is also real. For women too. My opinion is that if people TODAY want to exude authenticity in their masculinity/femininity they should just cut out the cosplay thing. It totally looks like a costume--like you're just acting the part. Whereas, if they just wore tailored, tasteful, modest, but updated clothing, people wouldn't automatically assume "oh. he ~wants~ to be a real man," and instead think something like, "wow that guy has good style, takes himself seriously, and doesn't look like a caricature." Also, as an example--I know of some more trad Catholics who would only allow their girls to wear skirts and dresses to Mass. I love reverence and modesty and all those wonderful things; I think dressing up for Mass is extremely important. But I know that in some places, I would be seen as the more "liberal Catholic" because I found a beautiful and modest jumpsuit to be way more feminine than an ill-fitting, extremely dated dress. End of rant. I could go on...
Thing I literally don't understand about guys who dismiss women from the dating pool for pursuing careers prior to marriage: Do such guys really think it's _reasonable_ for a woman to presume so heavily upon God to give her exactly what she personally thinks her vocation is (i.e. marriage) that she doesn't even _bother_ to prepare herself for the possibility that marriage won't be in the cards for her? And that she may have to provide for her aging parents alone, and therefore it's the most dutiful and charitable choice to invest in a career (commensurate with the gifts God has given her) that will enable her to have more resources with which to care for others without the support of a spouse? Like, God bless every woman who somehow manages to walk straight out of high school into marriage with a healthy, holy man. But for many women, that's not remotely the case. And in the meantime, should these adult women what... stamp their feet and refuse to take responsibility for becoming maximally effective in their own lives (including preparing to provide for the care of others like their parents), until some hypothetical guy _(who may never come)_ swoops in to rescue them? That looks like a recipe for listless, drifting, and eventually bitter women, to me. And I literally don't understand why any man would say he wants that. Again, it's a totally separate issue from *after marriage and children.* After marriage and children, _many_ women who previously focused on careers _(because they had to)_ will be happy to stay home with their kids. It just has nothing to do with what steps are reasonable for a woman to take to care for others to the best of her ability, prior to some hypothetical marriage that she may very well want, but also very prudently acknowledges before God may or may not happen.
@@Seethi_C Perhaps I misunderstood. I thought a prominent part of what they talked about in this video was young men avoiding even having a conversation with a young woman if they saw she was in (e.g.) an engineering program, assuming that her career potential 'must' be more important to her than family, without actually asking her. I recall this video also involving self-reports from both men and women who affirmed this phenomenon of men just literally not asking certain women out, since they assume in advance what their values are. The point of the video was for people not to assume others' values or dismiss them without actually having even one conversation with them about it, from what I took away. PS to the Fradds: It was really lovely to watch you guys have a 'vigorous' (as you put it, haha) conversation! Modeling what a healthy disagreement can look like (at least before you guys realized that you didn't disagree, at which point it became healthy agreement). Cheers!
Fortunately, I haven't run into any of the men Cameron is describing. Most Catholic men I know barely have the confidence to come up and talk to you, let alone tell you they're not interested in you if you are working. I agree with the other commentators what are single women supposed to do? Not work and just sit around and do nothing? It's totally bizarre single catholic women are being written off because they want to work. Also if a mother wanted to continue working that's fine too - my city is expensive, people are living pay check to pay check.
I know this is late, but some of the Catholic men I've met (God bless them) still lives at home and working low wage jobs. Meanwhile the Catholic women I met are living on their own or with roommates, decent jobs, and single. They have more success with non Catholic men. It seems like Catholic men needs to get it together socially and career wise.
you sound like the generic feminist saying "I need a man who gets paid 6 figures and is obedient to me" you call yourself a christian but only think of material wealth @@bamafencer12
19:58 I am a Catholic woman who attends the TLM. When I was single, being open to attending the TLM as a family was a must-have. But it narrowed the playing field to ridiculously small if I looked only to men already attending the TLM.
I really love you guys. You’re the best. I pray to God that I can meet someone with whom I can have these kind of conversations. You’re so sincere and open hearted you’re awesome. God bless you always. Thank you so much!!!!
Interesting. It seems that both men and women are assuming a lot by looking at the externals as signs of what is internal. Ex: veil = holy, career = feminist, TLM attendance = holy, NO attendance = worldly. I have done this so often in my life. But once I got to know the person, I found unexpected things. Sometimes bad things like porn addictions, codependence, victim mentality, etc. Sometimes good things like wisdom, thoughtfulness, or joy. As I have learned from experience, people are rarely who I think they are. There has also been an assumption on my part that I know what I want and can see other people clearly. However, due to my own woundedness, selfishness, and immaturity, I didn't know what I wanted and was blind to the hidden goodness in others. So often, I have dated with a fear mentality which led me to criticize and objectify men. And I certainly have been criticized and objectified by men as well, especially when they seemed afraid of being wounded by my sinfulness. The good thing is, we are all selfish, foolish, wounded, blind... but God can heal and grow both us and our relationships, no matter how foolish or broken. Peace!
If you were ever interested in this from a guy's point of view and that has "struggled" with such thoughts, let me know! My wife is a medical student and going to be a doctor in a year; I have been working ministry the last six years so it is definitely something that has come up and we have had to wrestle through together!
This was a great video and had good pointers for people discerning marriage. I thought I wouldn't be able to relate since I've been married for 11yrs, but I learned some good things. Also, pray to St. Joseph for his intersection for guidance in your life.
The conversation is so important! I thought we did, but my husband wants me to go back to work full time and I Always wanted to stay home. I hate leaving my daughter when I have to.
Now the question is what do you do if your wife doesn't want to stay home with the kids, not because we need the money, but because she'll "go crazy" being with toddlers all day?
Maybe she can work after the kids turn 5? Also, many people work from home nowadays, depending on her job she could probably do that. But I don't know - you probably need to both talk and listen to each others POV so you can come to an agreement
I love this! I think that some people can make their "checklist for a perfect spouse" an idol. We also have to remember in the Gospel according to Mark: "If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. And if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand."
I ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️this conversation! Young men and women who are discerning marriage need to have this conversation. To avoid so much heartache and in a way know what are each other expectations
This was an amazing conversation and great tips as a mom of teens/young adult sons. God bless you both for doing this almost personal discussion online.
Matt summed up reason this is happening (from the man's perspective) pretty well early on: Catholic men, especially traditionalists, are VERY wary of anything that smacks of feminism. This might occasionally lead to rash judgement and men dismissing out-of-hand some women who project that vibe. I have a hard time faulting them too much on this, however, as the risks in today's society far outweigh the potential benefits of "giving everyone a chance."
@CameronFradd, does the “good Catholic schools in DC” start with H? I love that school and moving my sons there has been the biggest blessing to our family. Btw, love you and Matt - such amazing conversations on both of your shows. God bless you both for your lay ministries. Our church needs you.
As a female in her 20s who loves going to both masses but particularly the TLM, lately I've been getting the opposite actually... people, both men and women, who are dismissive of the TLM and act like it's strange. Probably because of some who give off a bad impression, but there are snobs on both sides.
LoL, I'm very traditional but love all Catholics and understand that people have preferences ...if that guy prefers an extremely feminine trad Catholic, then that's his business. But I can totally understand how this can hurt women that don't fit in that box. Just accept rejection, pray for them and yourself that they don't get too prideful, and ask God to help you meet your particular standard who will also accept you. Pray everyday and don't quit.
That is the problem I ran into back in the day when I was dating, the women wanted you to be a Saint which I am totally on board with, but then reality went out the door because they wanted a rich doctor who was also a Saint. They wanted the unicorn, a rich man who was one of the few who made it to heaven as well. Lady Poverty and Mother Mary in the end won out.
My fiance is super masculine but he can tear up at the drop of a hat. It melts my heart. It shows that he has a tender loving side complimenting his desire to serve and love me.
Comment on the other video was removed when the video was, so I'll say again here. This conversation was a bit sad (at the start) becuase it seems like there are so many people who are only willing to try a new Mass or a new dating relationship if the First Impression exactly matches the "ideal" people have constructed. While it is good to have standards and preferences, we need to be patient with each other and accept that no one is going to exactly fit the mold we imagine for ourselves. Starting Point, be faithful to your daily duties, and then be willing to encounter new people. The woman/man who agrees to date you is offering you a purely undeserved gift, so be grateful 1) ladies, when they ask, and 2) gentlemen, when they accept.
I’m a woman. I can agree with Cameron but at the same time it’s not for us to force men to be attracted to us. If a man wants a woman who dresses and behaves in a certain way he should find someone like that. I found an amazing Catholic man who is my fiancé. He and I want the same things out of life. I want to be a SAHM and he’d prefer that too. I’m working right now until that day comes when he can support us and I can have a child. But I don’t wear long skirts and no longer veil at mass. But I go to adoration. I pray daily. I read the Bible and he loves that in me.
Cameron, if your friends are as faithful and beautiful as you claim (and I’m sure they are) have you suggested online dating for them? Women definitely have the upper hand online, and should have no excuses after the men line up to talk to them.
I wonder if there's a trust issue in some cases like that. Many people who divorce not only said they would marry "until death do us part" but really believed it too before "for better or for worse" became reality. Similarly, perhaps some guys find it difficult to trust a career-oriented woman that she really would put her children and household first. Are these "trad" difficulties limited to the Steubenville campus? At least in my region (Texas), that doesn't seem to be a common problem.
Unfortunately, the kind of males who suffer this are often lacking in real toughness, mentally, spiritually and physically. It actually frustrates women. You don't have to be a damn mess or bad boy to be found attractive to women. Confidence, honesty and discipline go far on any girl's list. And a long suffering man, who can actually love his wife like Christ loves his Church. Meaning not only when she honors you, over her mistakes or past, and being willing to drag her into holiness with firmness in the three first qualities. We live in the 'world' and child care requires you to understand that world. Men who want a good mother should understand this. I'm a Novus Ordo Catholic, and I lead my family in prayer. My wife is probably the more 'worldly' of us, and it took a long time for me to understand some things better. But she's tough, street smart, and resourceful. She's given me 6 children when she thought she didn't want any. Bottom line. Holiness is to aid and encourage others, not to look down on them in meanness or pride. MY holiness is not limited by my wife, but my reputation and spiritual worth seen by suprficial men might seem to be measured by such things, and THAT is really what makes these presumptuous men so hesitant. THAT is worldliness.
Honey, this can happen at any age. Sadly, the 'having a career' is viewed as a problem... I'm pushing 40 am I supposed to be living in my parent's basement???
@@zcasc I live in Germany, I would leave to much behind and the church here needs every possible devout catholic, they can get... But thanks for the advice! ^^
wow, American seems a mess, yikes. This all seems very foreign to me. Didn't Jesus pray that we would all be one? How can Catholic's justify this behaviour of feeling superior to other Catholics, just because they attend a different type of Eucharistic service??? Also, I am pretty sure God has given women gifts and intelligence beyond motherhood. That should be celebrated, and we should use our talents to help humanity - God's other children. Personally I work part-time about 2-3 days a week and my child attends a really great catholic school, I am blessed to have one nearby. I feel like this gives me a good balance to be a good mum and take care of my family, and also help other families who I work with as a health professional. I do try to play an active role in my child's faith formation as well, as I don't think this is something we can expect to come completely from the school environment. It's really sad, that this conversation needs to take place. I agree with Cameron, if he does not think you are holy enough, he sounds way too judgmental and not worth your time.
Thank you for making me feel Catholic "enough!" I like the TLM...but I do like the Novus Ordo too! With that said..I would like to add..if at the Novus Ordo Mass, I could receive communion on my knees..with the patten..I could then say.."I love the Novus Ordo!" But yes..you are made to feel that your not truly Catholic if you dont love the TLM! I think we forget...its about the worship of God...not about how we feel!
When my soon-to-be husband and I met in 2004, it wasn't very long after we started talking about what each of us wanted our future to be like. We both very much wanted me to stay at home, take care of the kids and all of that while he works. However, the problem we have had over the years is the way our current economy is, he can't make enough to support us and pay for everything. So I am currently 3 classes away from getting my Bachelor's degree in Child and Adolescent Psychology. I am planning to get my Masters well. While I love doing school for it and I'm sure will enjoy a career, I know for sure I would be happier if he could make enough for us to live the way we want to. Update: We are married now (we were married in the church), and while things are a little better, we still can't make ends meet completely 😕
Dang no wonder... the attitude toward dating is so impersonal. Maybe people should just focus on forming real relationships and friendships that could someday turn romantic instead of making romance into this psychopathic entity that literally has an app. Work on being genuine people with personalities and experiences, idk... The attitudes here have disturbed me
@@lunalee3021 There’s nothing with using a dating app to meet someone you wouldn’t have otherwise had the opportunity to meet. The problem is that women either get picky or too overwhelmed by how many men message them that they just give up on it.
Mary, the perfect model, was she a powerful woman? Did she need to make her presence known. This has been very revealing about the truth between the Catholic persona put on for .”work.” And honesty
@@Seethi_C They're probably saying that because obviously nobody wants to marry a pretentious "rad trad," they're just saying their opinion is wrong. (Actually the people she's talking about in this video seem a little weird, so I might be wrong. I didn't really get it).
This is set up like it's about men being mean to women on dates, but the only specific example Mrs Fradd can give is a GIRL being mean to another GIRL about liking praise-and-worship type services. Otherwise it's all, "vibes." It's also super weird that she says that she mostly dated men, based on whether they could provide for her, so she could stay at home - but she doesn't want men to pick whom to date, based on whether the woman will stay at home. So the only question is: Mrs Fradd, why can't men do exactly what you did while dating? [Obviously, she wound up with Mr Fradd who wasn't employed at the time, so there were overriding factors, but I don't think she believes she was ever wrong to date men based on career, because she gives zero indication that she thinks that was wrong in this video. If she doesn't believe it was wrong for her, why is it wrong for someone else?]
“Tell me please, my Philothea, whether it is proper for a bishop to want to lead a solitary life like a Carthusian; or for married people to be no more concerned than a Capuchin about increasing their income; or for a working man to spend his whole day in church like a religious; or on the other hand for a religious to be constantly exposed like a bishop to all the events and circumstances that bear on the needs of our neighbour. Is not this source of devotion ridiculous, unorganized and intolerable? Yet this absurd error occurs very frequently, but in no way does true devotion, my Philothea, destroy anything at all. On the contrary, it perfects and fulfills all things. In fact if it ever works against, or is inimical to, anyone’s legitimate station and calling, then it is very definitely false devotion.” -- St. Francis de Sales, Introduction to the Devout Life
Cameron Fradd has previously said she made girls wear tshirts that said “Got Dignity?” if Cameron thought the girls were immodestly dressed for her talks. I don’t definitely know if that was warranted or not, but what I do know, is that someone who does *that*, doesn’t get to complain when men pick whom they’d like to *date,*,on the basis of similar or dissimilar spirituality. If the men asked the women to wear tshirts that said “Got Dignity?”, I’d have a lot of criticisms. If the men assumed that women who dressed differently were addicted to porn, if they “had this theory,” then I’d think that was messed up. Unfortunately, Fradd is the one who modesty polices crowds; Fradd is the one who assumes TLM goers who don’t wanna date Fradd’s viewership are impure. All that the men Fradd is criticizing are guilty of is not wanting to date Fradd’s viewership. I don’t move in these circles, but this sounds like bad advice. Good advice is: It’s no one’s fault if 2 people aren’t right for each other. It’s not the other person, “not seeing how great you are,” because it’s nobody’s fault. You just aren’t meant to be. All that said, I don’t know the homeschooled self-consciously on-brand Christian dating world. I met my wife in the real world. Maybe get out of it, if it’s toxic.
@@monkey6207 agree, however, We have no evidence that the men C Fradd is criticizing are treating Catholicism as a career or ego booster. This video could help make a case she does, though.
Never heard about this "got dignity" story but, as a young man who has been around some circles of the catholic internet bubble, I beg to differ on your view. I, myself, have found these traits aforementioned by her in my own personality, or lack of it. If you didn't yet, read some of the comments made by women here. Social awkwardness and emotional immaturity may lead many men of my age (early 20s) to hold on to the so called "tradition" and the views that come together with it as what makes them really mature, prepared for life and worthy of love. It's an easy solution: some of us (most of us?) haven't yet found what life is about, lack some proper abilities and are not interesting at all when it comes to social and romantic relationships. However, steadfastly sticking to norms, laws and the like gives us a sense of security and masculinity, even if we didn't acquire all of these due pure and simply not having living enough yet. You said you didn't know the "homeschooled self-consciously on-brand Christian dating world". Well, that may be a reason for not getting the whole point of the discussion. If you've been around this circles, specially on the internet, you would probably find men like she described, even if not all of the men there were like this. Not only men, but also women, who would cling to "modesty" stuff like it was their last hope. With all respect, I myself would have been eager to find a comment like yours to uphold my position, had I found this video a little while ago, when a was still sticking to this behavior. It would have been the easy escape again: I point back at her for pointing (fairly) at me. Not assuming you did that, but I would. I'd like to finish, however, by adding that I'm slowly understanding the truth in your last comment. The real world is made by real people, not by the ideas of people I have in my mind.
I am a Catholic, a professional woman with a regular job, a wife and a mom. I think that the question of staying at home with the kids is very much an American discussion that does not apply to Europe (where I live) in the same way. I know many Catholic women of all ages here who are stay at home moms, and many who are not. In the younger generation (under 50), I actually don't know any stay at home mom who has work experience. If they stay with the kids, they usually got married very young while still at college. Women who did work before getting married usually continue in some form or other. Some others may find work later or even build up a business (I know someone with twelve kids who founded an online bookshop with hand-picked books for Catholic families). There is also the question of the kids. We only had one kid even though we would have liked to have more. Sometimes I think that God didn't give us more children because He wanted me to stay in my work environment and serve Him there. I also know several intelligent women who stayed at home with their kids, but then developed frantic activity once their children had become adults. It seemed like they had severe cases of 'empty nest syndrome' and desperately tried to get something to do. I haven't seen the same phenomenon in women who worked at least part-time - they seemed to be content with their jobs.
This was so great! Totally think we should be trusting in God and discerning with Him as we find our future spouse. When I started dating my husband I was Lutheran. he was raised Catholic. I totally planned on converting him. Turns out God had other plans. I am now Catholic and so thankful for the richness Catholicism has brought to my faith. We met in College when we were 18 and 20. We were not planning what our life looked like with kids. But God has always provided us a way and direction and I am now a SAHM to our 3 kids. I have always been drawn to NFP because I feel uncomfortable putting hormones into my body. Now, I just read a book by Christopher West about TOB and loved it! So who knows how many kids we will end up with. But the point is Trust in God, don't get too many steps ahead of yourself. Obviously conversations about what you desire for a future is good but God's plans usually end up looking different, and better than you imagined your future to be!
Fantastic conversation 👏 Really enjoyed that. To address some of the negative comments, I didn't at all get the impression that Cameron was proposing that men aren't allowed to have standards so much as frustration with men who have very superficial standards and ideas of who the ideal woman is and dismiss out of hand any girl who doesn't live up to them. I completely agree with that, and of course on the flip side women shouldn't cling too tightly to the outward trappings of masculinity and what they think the ideal man is supposed to look like otherwise they will end up overlooking the real men. I do think one of the issues with "rad trads" in general is too much concern for externals, and that definitely extends into the dating world.
The problem with your assessment of the video is that Mrs Frad says that she picked men to date based on whether their careers were lucrative or their degrees had high income potential, so she could stay home with the kids; she clarifies that physical appearance played a factor too. For a man to choose whom to date based on similar or dissimilar spirituality, or because he wants his wife to stay home with the kids, is apparently not acceptable in her view. She also accuses such men of impurity, after kvethcing that men might assume a girl was impure for her tastes. This is a hypocritical video.
I am a career woman and a devoted traditional catholic not in the latin mass sense because I don't have one at my country. But I want to leave my career to become a mom and dedicate to family, some of us just don't find holy men around. There is a little group of women who want family first, don't be fulled by a job title, or fashion appearance, at the end women just want to be loved like God created us to be loved at the beggining.
Oh, I'm picky. I want my future husband to be able to provide, so he needs a good stable job right now not someday, and he needs to be a devout Catholic and attractive to me. My standards in attractiveness isn't that high, but I can't date someone that I'm not attracted to. I'd rather stay single cause that's just messed up, to settle for someone you aren't into, just cause you can't find anybody else.
Idk all the ins and outs of running a business, but I feel like paying anyone a whole years salary without their working at the office, I would be broke as a business owner or losing money I shouldn't be. Im a single 20 yr old guy so maybe I wouldn't understand, but that doesn't make much sense
So imagine I'm a non-Catholic, having grown up in a broken home, and now dating a Catholic and wondering what it'd be like to get married in the Church. I stumble across this video and start to feel the awkward tension between Matt and Cameron that results from repressing desires for the first 15 years of marriage (i.e. Cameron wanting more time with her young children at home, and wanting Matt to be a stronger provider - hard for him to do when he sets the bar at $20,000/year). Then, suddenly, Matt turns to the camera and says, "just because your parents got super pissy with each other and left each other, that's not what's happening here." Is that supposed to reassure me? Make me feel better? Acknowledge his marriage as 'better' because it's 'Catholic', despite their lack of communication and his lack of ambition? Should that attract me to the Faith? Asking for many friends.
Well Daniel I’ll tell you we don’t have a “perfect marriage” and we don’t pretend too. But getting married in the church was AMAZING!!! We still rely on the Graces today! God is good & we only survive by his grace. I’m sorry if you felt we had awkward tension. We try to be completely honest w/ each other & open. We are both external processors. If you do get married, your marriage will look different to ours, but I do know many couples who have totally different marriages. We all try to love our spouse the best way we can. Sometimes we do well at it, other times fail miserably, but the main thing is to keep trying & asking God for the grace.
I now understand why Pope Francis is putting restrictions on the Latin mass. From this discussion I can see why he's right when saying that it is causing division among catholics.
Honestly, I think a lot of the trads are very immature in their faith, which is because they are stewards of an old tradition that is beautiful and, IMO, needs to be preserved. But they are not doing God's work by passing judgment the way they do. They are simply dividing the church. As a 45-year-old woman who couldn't find the right guy to marry (never met a guy who was available AND a serious Christian), I can also say these girls are doing the right thing by going for careers. You don't know if you're going to meet a man, and you still need to plan for your life. The woman who said her education was her backup, she's go it right. It may seem a lonely path, but take it to God. He may have something truly amazing planned for you that your career supplements.
How many women have turned down men because "I need to focus on my career." I'm just one guy and it's happened a handful of times. Men can show up all day long, but it's the woman that chooses. Nobody gets married until the woman says yes. You chose a life alone rather than "settling" for a decent man. Just because it happened, does not mean it's God's will.
Some topics should be properly adressed (and understood) to really grasp what's going on (the "big picture" If you want): 1. The real problems "M.G.T.O.W", "incel" and "redpill" are adressing (even If their answers are wrong, there's a cause for their sucess beyond "rampant women-hating mindset"); 2. The solutions "trads" are proposing (even If some groups go way off the mark...); 3. The crisis of masculinity/feminity. John Paul II could help with his Theology nof Body, but I suspect the trad criticism of his "optimism" may be somewhat correct.
As a single woman, I am pursuing a degree that could potentially give me a good career. But I have always viewed it as a backup plan in case I am not able to get married or need to help provide for my family. As soon as I get married and have a child I am completely willing to put my job aside because what I actually desire is raising a good Catholic family. I absolutely agree that men should look a little deeper into what women truly desire before they dismiss them. What else are women supposed to do if they are unmarried in this society? I loved this discussion.
Love this. So true and relatable! I feel the same way.
My parents wanted me to join the navy or do college because they don't think I'll ever get married, but I don't want to waste my time getting a career that I hate. lol
I feel very similarly! I am going back to school for counseling, and if God gives me a husband before/during/after I get my degree then I will let go of that career path I was set on to start a family.
This is such a fascinating discussion thanks for bringing it up. I saw a lot of the trad circle in NYC. The men, especially early twenties, I noticed tended temperamentally to be masking social awkwardness and emotional immaturity with a lot of knowledge about random Catholic encyclicals from centuries ago that make them appear much more serious and mature than they are. On the flip side for women, it's a real hedge practically speaking. There's so many fewer holy Catholic men who are really ready to be husbands that what will she do if she doesn't have a good career to pay the rent in the meantime? It's not like a girl will "be supported by her parents until she marries" in this day and age. I've heard from so many girlfriends, "I thought I would be married by now and now I have to take my career more seriously because what happens if I just don't find anyone?"
Oh my goodness, that point about awkward young adults quoting encyclicals is painfully relatable 😅 It's common in Massachusetts, too, I'm afraid. (And if you want to see it on full display, check out r/CatholicDating on Reddit. I have to hope those guys wouldn't say in person the things they write online, but their ideas about women's role in society tend to be frighteningly narrow.)
Uhh, no one should want to be with those ego maniacs anyway. Fun marriage you'd be in for...
@@monkey6207 Oh, agreed, for sure. I just think it's a shame that it's a trend, and I wish there were a clear solution. Women certainly deserve better than to be condescended to by immature men who claim to have read more papal documents, but I think young men also deserve better than to place their identity as a man in the sort of radicalizing ideology that some (not all) Catholic trad personalities are teaching. I don't think these guys are born ego maniacs - I wonder what we as a Church can do better to interrupt this cycle. Sometimes I think we need Catholic charm school 😅
When people choose to use devotions as an indicator of holiness, you will miss someone who is actually holy. For example, I remember hearing this one man talk about how it seemed that women who veil were holier and more devote than those who did not. I veil and I was extremely put off by that because of the fact that I knew a woman who was much holier than I. She did not veil but she was a very holy woman. Due to health issues, she suffered greatly at the end of her life and she took on any suffering that God sent her. She felt so close to Jesus in her suffering. When her life was coming to an end, she took just enough pain killers so she could talk to people and that was it. She passed without anyone, with exception of a select few, knowing how truly sick she was at the end of her life. She did not veil. She was quiet and sat in a pew and prayed. Yet, she was one of the holiest women I have ever known.
God bless her! Thanks for sharing
I have a buddy who married a woman who had a very solid career. He asked her about putting the kids first, she said that she wanted to put the kids first and stay at home with them. Then after they got married and had kids, she starting feeling like her college degree was being wasted and she needed to go back to work. My buddy felt duped.
I am not condoning the guys' behavior, but I am trying to diagnose. This is probably why a lot of guys are outright dismissing women who have careers because they may begin feeling this mindset. I personally have had several women I dated tell me that they want to be a stay at home mom, but it is too late because then their college degree will be wasted. I appreciate them telling me while we are dating.
I think that's understandable, if I were a guy I would mostly likely think the same and my 4 brothers would agree. There are women who genuinely long for motherhood regardless of their occupation, but others fall into the lie of wanting to basically be a provider like their husband.....it's like a woman wanting to be a man, that mystical flesh that is one starts to grow 2 heads and no heart, basically a beast and the beauty is lost, so I think it's healthy to add that it's good to be picky in a non arrogant way, women are picky too, you must be for any vocation.
That was amazing! We watched a real Catholic couple talk about real problems in a healthy way. No idealized, Instagram-like perfection. Just two humans beings, each with their own uniqueness. And in the end, you can see they are greatly in love with each other.
I loved the "debate"! What a healthy way to discuss things that are not comfortable. I really appreciate this.
This was awesome - When you are a single lady, you want to be involved in something and contribute and that plays out in the workplace. There is a big gap between being single and involved with work and when we have the opportunity to take care of a family and put our spouse and kids first. What are we supposed to be doing as a single woman? Only volunteering is not sustainable... having a middle of the road work that is not utilizing our skills is brutal. It is possible to be a working woman initially and then decide that when we have a family we will raise our kids. This 100% needs to be discussed between couples to identify priorities and values!
There’s also no guarantee of marriage. It’s expensive being a single woman. You need a good job to survive on a single income.
Love this dynamic and y’all’s witness to what a real Catholic marriage can look like. As a single (newly) Catholic guy really appreciate the wisdom!
The only reason I avoided women who were working on their degree or had their degree was because it started to feel like they were judging me for not yet having my degree. Even though I am certified in a skilled trade and would lay out my plan with that career and how I planned to finish my degree, the conversation would often die down and subsequently stop after that. No, I was never told "you don't have your degree already, I'm not interested", but it was too coincedental that after that talk, the girl would ghost me or kill the conversation.
I'm so sorry for that, dude. I have an entertainment job that pays ok and just came back to Catholicism. I have a feeling that's keep Catholic women away from me too. Sucks bad.
Women are loved for who they are.
Men are loved for what they can provide.
I got this in my recommended videos several times before I decided to click, but I am very glad I did. I'm not really the raddest of trads in the ways that you described, but I have idealized those images of masculinity without realizing I needed to fill those boots (so to speak). And as for regarding women with a certain standard of "holiness" or "devotion" in mind - I didn't realize at all that I was doing this until now! And I see how it's harmed my attitude up to this point, and I will be wary of it moving forward, but more than that I will focus on growing in authentic masculinity, in embodying the essence before the rest. Finally, a last note: watching you two as a couple over the course of a few weeks has been so illuminating to me as someone discerning marriage. Your candor and obvious love and commitment is not just instructive, but inspiring. So thank you for being yourselves, Cameron and Matt! God Bless you!
To throw an anonymous Catholic family member under the bus, he told me he didn’t consider dating any women in his class because they were on track to become a doctor (as he was). I’m a lawyer. So imagine how I heard that.
Female physicians are notoriously promicuous .. so that might be the reason. I should know, I also work in health care.
That is unfortunate.
It wasn’t his reason, I know bc I challenged him on it. He said he wanted a stay at home mom and assumed they wouldn’t be. So it was exactly what Cameron is talking about. But that is good to know. Thanks
I’m aorry
I gotta say, now I see where a lot of the wisdom, balance, and beauty of Matt's words and ideas come from. You've been a great inspiration Cameron, for Matt and for all of us!
“So we don’t disagree, right?” “Right” “Then why are we talking so vigorously?”
😂 relatable
On the flip side, It’s so heartbreaking to have an ONLY career oriented Catholic woman...which doesn’t seem like she’s very “Catholic” if she doesn’t take her faith serious and puts her career first rather than her vocation. Yet there’s definitely a balance and woman are totally capable of having careers. Matt hit it with the nail on the head, a woman can be working 40-50 hours and say she puts her family first, but most men want a woman who desires primarily to be a home maker when it is most needed. Nothing is more heartbreaking when you see a Catholic mom who has a full time job, hates it, doesn’t really need to work since the husband makes a good living and she puts her job first at the end of the day....this is such a great episode though. Tough topic to discuss since it hits home with a lot of couples and families.
I met a "Catholic" guy like that and it ended up badly.
He was so hyper focused on my spiritual growth, on my purification, while he was not even able to be faithful. He was always the initiator when it came to leading us both into sin. We would have had sex if I did not have boundaries.
He fits perfectly your description, Cameron. He was a porn addict (he said he was over it but I very much doubt it now) who was worried about finding a pure woman who would be pure for two people. Everything is very unconscious but it's a mess to live it. I had immense pressure on myself while there was a huge double standard for him.
People who think they are holier and declare it are usually the most unholy people. Very prideful and arrogant. I wouldn't be willing to marry someone like that.
He hated modern women as well. In retrospect, I think he hated them because they were too independent and he could not control them as he wished.
If you read this, please pray for me.
I get what Cameron is trying to say but I agree with Matt. Being in love is great but once married there are realities that should have been discussed before. Marriage prep is a great idea. Even if an issue is not a deal breaker it can be another stress on the marriage. My husband and I would argue about issues we both agreed on. 🤣🤣 Happily married 20 years.
Adorable
You both did a great job of balancing each other out.
What a way to start the week lol.
It would seem to me that the essence of this talk boils down to devout Catholics binding unto other Catholics what has not been bound by the Church.
Great point about communicating their desires for families and careers around 14:30! I think more men and women should be more open to discussion about their commitment and roles within families and careers. Discussing each other’s desires would make the relationship a bit easier to a degree since the man and woman in a relationship would know where the other is at. Thank you for bringing that up!
I feel like maybe from both sides, but watching my brother asking girls out on dates and meet girls online on Catholic Match, that I've seen girls also not give a guy a chance. And my thought is well you don't think he looks like your type or something? Well when my husband asked me out I was not looking at him at all and he didn't seem my physical type, but I gave him a chance because none of the other guys I knew in person were asking me out, and I'm not trying to be picky and alone forever! And the attraction grew and it worked out!
For real, women do idealize the guys they want to marry a whole lot, and sometimes these expectations may equal or surpass those of men. Here in my country, at least, many pages have been selling an idea of masculinity that seems to expect all men to be aggressive bodybuilding types, while still being extremely intelligent, philosophical, and also rich and willing to be richer. If this is the case, I am pretty screwed.
We need these conversations. More of these healthy dialogues. Shout out to y’all.
St. Gianna and St. Zelie both were working moms and wives. Both regularly attended daily mass. If God is drawing you to someone it is important to consider that He might have a better idea of their Holiness and what their future plans are...why would we dismiss someone God sends into your life?
We all should discern who of all the people we come in contact with on the daily we will make an integral part of our lives . Its OK.
I think in the search for truth a lot of young men come up with some over the top, one-size-fits-all theories they will learn in ten years from now are not realistic and can actually hurt people. That's why I'd never date someone labelling them self 'trad'. Yuck. I'm just Catholic.
Important point! St Gianna Berretta Molla was a paediatrician, St. Zélie Martin was a businesswoman with a lace-making business and several employees.
Both Catholic men and catholic women are equally judgmental towards other women and men. But Jesus did say that those who follow him will be hated. So if people are hating you because you are practicing Catholicism in a different rite than them, and your conscience is right with God, you are probably on the right track. There are always many reasons people act socially atypical and judgmental. We can only pray for them and place any wounds we received from those words in God’s hands. If God wants you to be with someone nothing will stop it. If something stops it, then that person probably wasn’t your person.
I've heard way too many protestants and fringe religious sects use that train of logic about "the right track," so be wary... look to facts, not a self satisfied or prideful feeling of being in the minority.
My husband and I had these conversations. So thankful we did! However, I think this is not just a guy to girl problem. I have a brother who has experienced these same issues. Obviously not because he doesn't veil... lol...but because he's not "Latin Mass" tux kind of guy. I have also heard from other ladies that they're waiting for these tuxedo guys....So I think it can go both ways. Loved that ya'll addressed this "problem". My husband and all always enjoy listening to you two!
I think the key here was said at 30:00. "You and I would have figured it out." This is what marrying another person made in the image and likeness of God IS. You choose to walk forward together and that takes *daily* discernment for the rest of your life. Beyond what you vow in your marriage vows, pretty much everything else has to be continuously discerned and re-discerned, because your lives are continuously changing. You will both always win, because you're on the same team with the same goal: getting each other to heaven.
DANG. This is so good. I know exactly what Cameron is talking about, and I really appreciate that Matt challenged the idea a little bit for the sake of clarity. Really good discussion on both sides. I've definitely felt like the "liberal Catholic" in certain groups ~simply~ because I love the documents of Vatican II, love JPII and Benedict, etc. Just like non rad trads can sometimes lump all TLM loving people into one judgy bunch, there is also DEFINITELY the idea that if you regularly go to and love Novus Ordo, that somehow you are less spiritually developed. Really not trying to throw everyone under the bus---but even when some of my really good TLM friends try to talk about their experience and preferences regarding liturgy in a very sensitive and charitable way, it still manages to come off as extremely condescending.
The cosplay thing is also real. For women too. My opinion is that if people TODAY want to exude authenticity in their masculinity/femininity they should just cut out the cosplay thing. It totally looks like a costume--like you're just acting the part. Whereas, if they just wore tailored, tasteful, modest, but updated clothing, people wouldn't automatically assume "oh. he ~wants~ to be a real man," and instead think something like, "wow that guy has good style, takes himself seriously, and doesn't look like a caricature."
Also, as an example--I know of some more trad Catholics who would only allow their girls to wear skirts and dresses to Mass. I love reverence and modesty and all those wonderful things; I think dressing up for Mass is extremely important. But I know that in some places, I would be seen as the more "liberal Catholic" because I found a beautiful and modest jumpsuit to be way more feminine than an ill-fitting, extremely dated dress. End of rant. I could go on...
Well said!
What you call cosplay, men call life. Please do us men a little courtesy and do not point and mock us when we are striving.
Thing I literally don't understand about guys who dismiss women from the dating pool for pursuing careers prior to marriage: Do such guys really think it's _reasonable_ for a woman to presume so heavily upon God to give her exactly what she personally thinks her vocation is (i.e. marriage) that she doesn't even _bother_ to prepare herself for the possibility that marriage won't be in the cards for her? And that she may have to provide for her aging parents alone, and therefore it's the most dutiful and charitable choice to invest in a career (commensurate with the gifts God has given her) that will enable her to have more resources with which to care for others without the support of a spouse?
Like, God bless every woman who somehow manages to walk straight out of high school into marriage with a healthy, holy man. But for many women, that's not remotely the case. And in the meantime, should these adult women what... stamp their feet and refuse to take responsibility for becoming maximally effective in their own lives (including preparing to provide for the care of others like their parents), until some hypothetical guy _(who may never come)_ swoops in to rescue them?
That looks like a recipe for listless, drifting, and eventually bitter women, to me. And I literally don't understand why any man would say he wants that.
Again, it's a totally separate issue from *after marriage and children.* After marriage and children, _many_ women who previously focused on careers _(because they had to)_ will be happy to stay home with their kids. It just has nothing to do with what steps are reasonable for a woman to take to care for others to the best of her ability, prior to some hypothetical marriage that she may very well want, but also very prudently acknowledges before God may or may not happen.
I’m not aware of any trad men being against single woman working to support themselves, they are only against working after having kids.
@@Seethi_C Perhaps I misunderstood. I thought a prominent part of what they talked about in this video was young men avoiding even having a conversation with a young woman if they saw she was in (e.g.) an engineering program, assuming that her career potential 'must' be more important to her than family, without actually asking her. I recall this video also involving self-reports from both men and women who affirmed this phenomenon of men just literally not asking certain women out, since they assume in advance what their values are.
The point of the video was for people not to assume others' values or dismiss them without actually having even one conversation with them about it, from what I took away.
PS to the Fradds: It was really lovely to watch you guys have a 'vigorous' (as you put it, haha) conversation! Modeling what a healthy disagreement can look like (at least before you guys realized that you didn't disagree, at which point it became healthy agreement). Cheers!
These two are just blessings! ❤ Thank you Matt and Cam!
Fortunately, I haven't run into any of the men Cameron is describing. Most Catholic men I know barely have the confidence to come up and talk to you, let alone tell you they're not interested in you if you are working. I agree with the other commentators what are single women supposed to do? Not work and just sit around and do nothing? It's totally bizarre single catholic women are being written off because they want to work. Also if a mother wanted to continue working that's fine too - my city is expensive, people are living pay check to pay check.
I know this is late, but some of the Catholic men I've met (God bless them) still lives at home and working low wage jobs. Meanwhile the Catholic women I met are living on their own or with roommates, decent jobs, and single. They have more success with non Catholic men. It seems like Catholic men needs to get it together socially and career wise.
you sound like the generic feminist saying "I need a man who gets paid 6 figures and is obedient to me" you call yourself a christian but only think of material wealth @@bamafencer12
This is now my all time favourite youtube video! Thank you both for the openness, honesty and passion!
Amazing, bless the Lord for both of you and your openess to have a conversation like this on UA-cam :)
This is my favorite conversation/video!
The sum of this video: "Men, you cannot have preferences, but I can prefer, nay, demand that you have the preferences I think you ought to have."
19:58 I am a Catholic woman who attends the TLM. When I was single, being open to attending the TLM as a family was a must-have. But it narrowed the playing field to ridiculously small if I looked only to men already attending the TLM.
This is a therapy session for the Fradd household ;)
Bingo!
Fascinating. You know, I've met a few beautiful women in my time who found me not holy enough. And they were right.
😂
I really love you guys. You’re the best. I pray to God that I can meet someone with whom I can have these kind of conversations. You’re so sincere and open hearted you’re awesome. God bless you always. Thank you so much!!!!
Interesting. It seems that both men and women are assuming a lot by looking at the externals as signs of what is internal. Ex: veil = holy, career = feminist, TLM attendance = holy, NO attendance = worldly. I have done this so often in my life. But once I got to know the person, I found unexpected things. Sometimes bad things like porn addictions, codependence, victim mentality, etc. Sometimes good things like wisdom, thoughtfulness, or joy. As I have learned from experience, people are rarely who I think they are. There has also been an assumption on my part that I know what I want and can see other people clearly. However, due to my own woundedness, selfishness, and immaturity, I didn't know what I wanted and was blind to the hidden goodness in others. So often, I have dated with a fear mentality which led me to criticize and objectify men. And I certainly have been criticized and objectified by men as well, especially when they seemed afraid of being wounded by my sinfulness. The good thing is, we are all selfish, foolish, wounded, blind... but God can heal and grow both us and our relationships, no matter how foolish or broken. Peace!
If you were ever interested in this from a guy's point of view and that has "struggled" with such thoughts, let me know!
My wife is a medical student and going to be a doctor in a year; I have been working ministry the last six years so it is definitely something that has come up and we have had to wrestle through together!
Cameron I love this, it's so good to see a married couple really healthily debate with each other and are able to listen to each other passionately
thanks we do that often :-)
@@cfradd good on ye, also powerful to see a woman not stand down on her point of view. But honestly and lovingly say what she means.
This was a great video and had good pointers for people discerning marriage. I thought I wouldn't be able to relate since I've been married for 11yrs, but I learned some good things. Also, pray to St. Joseph for his intersection for guidance in your life.
The conversation is so important! I thought we did, but my husband wants me to go back to work full time and I Always wanted to stay home. I hate leaving my daughter when I have to.
Really enjoyed this candid and animated conversation about an important subject. Thank you both.
Enjoyed the discussion. God bless you both and your family.
Now the question is what do you do if your wife doesn't want to stay home with the kids, not because we need the money, but because she'll "go crazy" being with toddlers all day?
Maybe she can work after the kids turn 5? Also, many people work from home nowadays, depending on her job she could probably do that. But I don't know - you probably need to both talk and listen to each others POV so you can come to an agreement
She could work from home or do a degree online, or something like that.
I love this! I think that some people can make their "checklist for a perfect spouse" an idol.
We also have to remember in the Gospel according to Mark:
"If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand.
And if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand."
I ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️this conversation!
Young men and women who are discerning marriage need to have this conversation. To avoid so much heartache and in a way know what are each other expectations
This was an amazing conversation and great tips as a mom of teens/young adult sons. God bless you both for doing this almost personal discussion online.
Matt summed up reason this is happening (from the man's perspective) pretty well early on: Catholic men, especially traditionalists, are VERY wary of anything that smacks of feminism. This might occasionally lead to rash judgement and men dismissing out-of-hand some women who project that vibe. I have a hard time faulting them too much on this, however, as the risks in today's society far outweigh the potential benefits of "giving everyone a chance."
Yeah. Because women never superficially judge anyone or anything...yup.
@CameronFradd, does the “good Catholic schools in DC” start with H? I love that school and moving my sons there has been the biggest blessing to our family.
Btw, love you and Matt - such amazing conversations on both of your shows. God bless you both for your lay ministries. Our church needs you.
As a female in her 20s who loves going to both masses but particularly the TLM, lately I've been getting the opposite actually... people, both men and women, who are dismissive of the TLM and act like it's strange. Probably because of some who give off a bad impression, but there are snobs on both sides.
As a guy in his 20s trying to become a man, this video was truly helpful.
Oh I’m so glad!!
LoL, I'm very traditional but love all Catholics and understand that people have preferences ...if that guy prefers an extremely feminine trad Catholic, then that's his business. But I can totally understand how this can hurt women that don't fit in that box. Just accept rejection, pray for them and yourself that they don't get too prideful, and ask God to help you meet your particular standard who will also accept you. Pray everyday and don't quit.
Rejection is a blessing in disguise.
That is the problem I ran into back in the day when I was dating, the women wanted you to be a Saint which I am totally on board with, but then reality went out the door because they wanted a rich doctor who was also a Saint. They wanted the unicorn, a rich man who was one of the few who made it to heaven as well. Lady Poverty and Mother Mary in the end won out.
My fiance is super masculine but he can tear up at the drop of a hat. It melts my heart. It shows that he has a tender loving side complimenting his desire to serve and love me.
Super loved this debate!! You are amazing Cameron! You are amazing Matt!
Comment on the other video was removed when the video was, so I'll say again here.
This conversation was a bit sad (at the start) becuase it seems like there are so many people who are only willing to try a new Mass or a new dating relationship if the First Impression exactly matches the "ideal" people have constructed. While it is good to have standards and preferences, we need to be patient with each other and accept that no one is going to exactly fit the mold we imagine for ourselves. Starting Point, be faithful to your daily duties, and then be willing to encounter new people. The woman/man who agrees to date you is offering you a purely undeserved gift, so be grateful 1) ladies, when they ask, and 2) gentlemen, when they accept.
I love your relationship; watching your vigorous dialogue brings me joy.
I’m a woman. I can agree with Cameron but at the same time it’s not for us to force men to be attracted to us. If a man wants a woman who dresses and behaves in a certain way he should find someone like that.
I found an amazing Catholic man who is my fiancé. He and I want the same things out of life. I want to be a SAHM and he’d prefer that too. I’m working right now until that day comes when he can support us and I can have a child. But I don’t wear long skirts and no longer veil at mass. But I go to adoration. I pray daily. I read the Bible and he loves that in me.
Cameron, if your friends are as faithful and beautiful as you claim (and I’m sure they are) have you suggested online dating for them? Women definitely have the upper hand online, and should have no excuses after the men line up to talk to them.
I wonder if there's a trust issue in some cases like that. Many people who divorce not only said they would marry "until death do us part" but really believed it too before "for better or for worse" became reality. Similarly, perhaps some guys find it difficult to trust a career-oriented woman that she really would put her children and household first.
Are these "trad" difficulties limited to the Steubenville campus? At least in my region (Texas), that doesn't seem to be a common problem.
I know women who have had this problem in DC, NC and SC
Unfortunately, the kind of males who suffer this are often lacking in real toughness, mentally, spiritually and physically.
It actually frustrates women. You don't have to be a damn mess or bad boy to be found attractive to women. Confidence, honesty and discipline go far on any girl's list. And a long suffering man, who can actually love his wife like Christ loves his Church. Meaning not only when she honors you, over her mistakes or past, and being willing to drag her into holiness with firmness in the three first qualities.
We live in the 'world' and child care requires you to understand that world. Men who want a good mother should understand this.
I'm a Novus Ordo Catholic, and I lead my family in prayer. My wife is probably the more 'worldly' of us, and it took a long time for me to understand some things better. But she's tough, street smart, and resourceful. She's given me 6 children when she thought she didn't want any.
Bottom line. Holiness is to aid and encourage others, not to look down on them in meanness or pride. MY holiness is not limited by my wife, but my reputation and spiritual worth seen by suprficial men might seem to be measured by such things, and THAT is really what makes these presumptuous men so hesitant. THAT is worldliness.
I love your comment
Honey, this can happen at any age. Sadly, the 'having a career' is viewed as a problem... I'm pushing 40 am I supposed to be living in my parent's basement???
You're supposed to be married.
Wonderful couple! Thank you!
Thanks for watching!
Just imagine if Matt did a video entitled "Girls who think they're holier than you".
I wish I would meet a remotely traditional woman in the first place... 🤣
LMAO
I assumed they were a mythical species
I wish I would meet a catholic man. I don't even no a non traditional man 😔
Move to Chicago
@@zcasc I live in Germany, I would leave to much behind and the church here needs every possible devout catholic, they can get... But thanks for the advice! ^^
wow, American seems a mess, yikes. This all seems very foreign to me. Didn't Jesus pray that we would all be one? How can Catholic's justify this behaviour of feeling superior to other Catholics, just because they attend a different type of Eucharistic service??? Also, I am pretty sure God has given women gifts and intelligence beyond motherhood. That should be celebrated, and we should use our talents to help humanity - God's other children. Personally I work part-time about 2-3 days a week and my child attends a really great catholic school, I am blessed to have one nearby. I feel like this gives me a good balance to be a good mum and take care of my family, and also help other families who I work with as a health professional. I do try to play an active role in my child's faith formation as well, as I don't think this is something we can expect to come completely from the school environment. It's really sad, that this conversation needs to take place. I agree with Cameron, if he does not think you are holy enough, he sounds way too judgmental and not worth your time.
Thank you for talking sense.
Same here!
Two objective facts (in no particular order):
1.) Some men are holier than some women.
2.) Some women are holier than some men.
Why argue about it?
Love this. I def don't fit the mold but go to daily mass ect - holiness is being who God created you to be and that looks different for everyone
Bam!
Thank you for making me feel Catholic "enough!"
I like the TLM...but I do like the Novus Ordo too!
With that said..I would like to add..if at the Novus Ordo Mass, I could receive communion on my knees..with the patten..I could then say.."I love the Novus Ordo!"
But yes..you are made to feel that your not truly Catholic if you dont love the TLM!
I think we forget...its about the worship of God...not about how we feel!
33:05 I love the monologue that Matt had here😂
When my soon-to-be husband and I met in 2004, it wasn't very long after we started talking about what each of us wanted our future to be like. We both very much wanted me to stay at home, take care of the kids and all of that while he works. However, the problem we have had over the years is the way our current economy is, he can't make enough to support us and pay for everything. So I am currently 3 classes away from getting my Bachelor's degree in Child and Adolescent Psychology. I am planning to get my Masters well. While I love doing school for it and I'm sure will enjoy a career, I know for sure I would be happier if he could make enough for us to live the way we want to.
Update: We are married now (we were married in the church), and while things are a little better, we still can't make ends meet completely 😕
19:30 Matt just described Catholic Match and Catholic Chemistry. Yet, women will still somehow stay single after joining.
Dang no wonder... the attitude toward dating is so impersonal. Maybe people should just focus on forming real relationships and friendships that could someday turn romantic instead of making romance into this psychopathic entity that literally has an app. Work on being genuine people with personalities and experiences, idk... The attitudes here have disturbed me
@@lunalee3021 There’s nothing with using a dating app to meet someone you wouldn’t have otherwise had the opportunity to meet. The problem is that women either get picky or too overwhelmed by how many men message them that they just give up on it.
@@Seethi_C Eh... dating apps attract needy and boring people
GREAT PODCAST NO MOCKING AROUND STRAIGHT TO THE POINT HEHE LARRY KING
Mary, the perfect model, was she a powerful woman? Did she need to make her presence known. This has been very revealing about the truth between the Catholic persona put on for .”work.” And honesty
If your friends don’t want a rad trad marriage, why are they upset when a rad trad man isn’t interested in them? I don’t understand the problem.
That sounds so cringey.
@@monkey6207 explain
@@Seethi_C They're probably saying that because obviously nobody wants to marry a pretentious "rad trad," they're just saying their opinion is wrong. (Actually the people she's talking about in this video seem a little weird, so I might be wrong. I didn't really get it).
@@Seethi_C "rad trad marriage".
@@monkey6207 what else should I call it?
hey Cameron, do you recommend books by cs lewis as a catholic?
yes
Yeah, I have experienced it a lot more the other way. A lot about narcissism and its effect on self perception and self knowledge
This is set up like it's about men being mean to women on dates, but the only specific example Mrs Fradd can give is a GIRL being mean to another GIRL about liking praise-and-worship type services. Otherwise it's all, "vibes."
It's also super weird that she says that she mostly dated men, based on whether they could provide for her, so she could stay at home - but she doesn't want men to pick whom to date, based on whether the woman will stay at home.
So the only question is: Mrs Fradd, why can't men do exactly what you did while dating?
[Obviously, she wound up with Mr Fradd who wasn't employed at the time, so there were overriding factors, but I don't think she believes she was ever wrong to date men based on career, because she gives zero indication that she thinks that was wrong in this video. If she doesn't believe it was wrong for her, why is it wrong for someone else?]
“Tell me please, my Philothea, whether it is proper for a bishop to want to lead a solitary life like a Carthusian; or for married people to be no more concerned than a Capuchin about increasing their income; or for a working man to spend his whole day in church like a religious; or on the other hand for a religious to be constantly exposed like a bishop to all the events and circumstances that bear on the needs of our neighbour.
Is not this source of devotion ridiculous, unorganized and intolerable? Yet this absurd error occurs very frequently, but in no way does true devotion, my Philothea, destroy anything at all. On the contrary, it perfects and fulfills all things. In fact if it ever works against, or is inimical to, anyone’s legitimate station and calling, then it is very definitely false devotion.”
-- St. Francis de Sales, Introduction to the Devout Life
Cameron Fradd has previously said she made girls wear tshirts that said “Got Dignity?” if Cameron thought the girls were immodestly dressed for her talks.
I don’t definitely know if that was warranted or not, but what I do know, is that someone who does *that*, doesn’t get to complain when men pick whom they’d like to *date,*,on the basis of similar or dissimilar spirituality.
If the men asked the women to wear tshirts that said “Got Dignity?”, I’d have a lot of criticisms. If the men assumed that women who dressed differently were addicted to porn, if they “had this theory,” then I’d think that was messed up.
Unfortunately, Fradd is the one who modesty polices crowds; Fradd is the one who assumes TLM goers who don’t wanna date Fradd’s viewership are impure. All that the men Fradd is criticizing are guilty of is not wanting to date Fradd’s viewership.
I don’t move in these circles, but this sounds like bad advice. Good advice is: It’s no one’s fault if 2 people aren’t right for each other. It’s not the other person, “not seeing how great you are,” because it’s nobody’s fault. You just aren’t meant to be.
All that said, I don’t know the homeschooled self-consciously on-brand Christian dating world. I met my wife in the real world. Maybe get out of it, if it’s toxic.
AGREED! Find someone real, not someone who treats being Catholic as a fashion/career/ego booster. Barrrrrf.
@@monkey6207 agree, however, We have no evidence that the men C Fradd is criticizing are treating Catholicism as a career or ego booster. This video could help make a case she does, though.
@@claymcdermott718 Oh yes they do
Never heard about this "got dignity" story but, as a young man who has been around some circles of the catholic internet bubble, I beg to differ on your view. I, myself, have found these traits aforementioned by her in my own personality, or lack of it.
If you didn't yet, read some of the comments made by women here. Social awkwardness and emotional immaturity may lead many men of my age (early 20s) to hold on to the so called "tradition" and the views that come together with it as what makes them really mature, prepared for life and worthy of love. It's an easy solution: some of us (most of us?) haven't yet found what life is about, lack some proper abilities and are not interesting at all when it comes to social and romantic relationships. However, steadfastly sticking to norms, laws and the like gives us a sense of security and masculinity, even if we didn't acquire all of these due pure and simply not having living enough yet.
You said you didn't know the "homeschooled self-consciously on-brand Christian dating world". Well, that may be a reason for not getting the whole point of the discussion. If you've been around this circles, specially on the internet, you would probably find men like she described, even if not all of the men there were like this. Not only men, but also women, who would cling to "modesty" stuff like it was their last hope.
With all respect, I myself would have been eager to find a comment like yours to uphold my position, had I found this video a little while ago, when a was still sticking to this behavior. It would have been the easy escape again: I point back at her for pointing (fairly) at me. Not assuming you did that, but I would.
I'd like to finish, however, by adding that I'm slowly understanding the truth in your last comment. The real world is made by real people, not by the ideas of people I have in my mind.
I am a Catholic, a professional woman with a regular job, a wife and a mom. I think that the question of staying at home with the kids is very much an American discussion that does not apply to Europe (where I live) in the same way. I know many Catholic women of all ages here who are stay at home moms, and many who are not. In the younger generation (under 50), I actually don't know any stay at home mom who has work experience. If they stay with the kids, they usually got married very young while still at college. Women who did work before getting married usually continue in some form or other. Some others may find work later or even build up a business (I know someone with twelve kids who founded an online bookshop with hand-picked books for Catholic families).
There is also the question of the kids. We only had one kid even though we would have liked to have more. Sometimes I think that God didn't give us more children because He wanted me to stay in my work environment and serve Him there. I also know several intelligent women who stayed at home with their kids, but then developed frantic activity once their children had become adults. It seemed like they had severe cases of 'empty nest syndrome' and desperately tried to get something to do. I haven't seen the same phenomenon in women who worked at least part-time - they seemed to be content with their jobs.
This was so great! Totally think we should be trusting in God and discerning with Him as we find our future spouse. When I started dating my husband I was Lutheran. he was raised Catholic. I totally planned on converting him. Turns out God had other plans. I am now Catholic and so thankful for the richness Catholicism has brought to my faith. We met in College when we were 18 and 20. We were not planning what our life looked like with kids. But God has always provided us a way and direction and I am now a SAHM to our 3 kids. I have always been drawn to NFP because I feel uncomfortable putting hormones into my body. Now, I just read a book by Christopher West about TOB and loved it! So who knows how many kids we will end up with. But the point is Trust in God, don't get too many steps ahead of yourself. Obviously conversations about what you desire for a future is good but God's plans usually end up looking different, and better than you imagined your future to be!
Wonderful Talk.
Fantastic conversation 👏 Really enjoyed that. To address some of the negative comments, I didn't at all get the impression that Cameron was proposing that men aren't allowed to have standards so much as frustration with men who have very superficial standards and ideas of who the ideal woman is and dismiss out of hand any girl who doesn't live up to them. I completely agree with that, and of course on the flip side women shouldn't cling too tightly to the outward trappings of masculinity and what they think the ideal man is supposed to look like otherwise they will end up overlooking the real men. I do think one of the issues with "rad trads" in general is too much concern for externals, and that definitely extends into the dating world.
The problem with your assessment of the video is that Mrs Frad says that she picked men to date based on whether their careers were lucrative or their degrees had high income potential, so she could stay home with the kids; she clarifies that physical appearance played a factor too. For a man to choose whom to date based on similar or dissimilar spirituality, or because he wants his wife to stay home with the kids, is apparently not acceptable in her view. She also accuses such men of impurity, after kvethcing that men might assume a girl was impure for her tastes. This is a hypocritical video.
I don’t the single income family dynamic is a superficial topic at all
I am a career woman and a devoted traditional catholic not in the latin mass sense because I don't have one at my country. But I want to leave my career to become a mom and dedicate to family, some of us just don't find holy men around. There is a little group of women who want family first, don't be fulled by a job title, or fashion appearance, at the end women just want to be loved like God created us to be loved at the beggining.
Oh, I'm picky. I want my future husband to be able to provide, so he needs a good stable job right now not someday, and he needs to be a devout Catholic and attractive to me. My standards in attractiveness isn't that high, but I can't date someone that I'm not attracted to. I'd rather stay single cause that's just messed up, to settle for someone you aren't into, just cause you can't find anybody else.
Idk all the ins and outs of running a business, but I feel like paying anyone a whole years salary without their working at the office, I would be broke as a business owner or losing money I shouldn't be. Im a single 20 yr old guy so maybe I wouldn't understand, but that doesn't make much sense
I love you guys. 🤗
God bless you both!
So imagine I'm a non-Catholic, having grown up in a broken home, and now dating a Catholic and wondering what it'd be like to get married in the Church. I stumble across this video and start to feel the awkward tension between Matt and Cameron that results from repressing desires for the first 15 years of marriage (i.e. Cameron wanting more time with her young children at home, and wanting Matt to be a stronger provider - hard for him to do when he sets the bar at $20,000/year). Then, suddenly, Matt turns to the camera and says, "just because your parents got super pissy with each other and left each other, that's not what's happening here." Is that supposed to reassure me? Make me feel better? Acknowledge his marriage as 'better' because it's 'Catholic', despite their lack of communication and his lack of ambition? Should that attract me to the Faith?
Asking for many friends.
Well Daniel I’ll tell you we don’t have a “perfect marriage” and we don’t pretend too. But getting married in the church was AMAZING!!! We still rely on the Graces today! God is good & we only survive by his grace. I’m sorry if you felt we had awkward tension. We try to be completely honest w/ each other & open. We are both external processors. If you do get married, your marriage will look different to ours, but I do know many couples who have totally different marriages. We all try to love our spouse the best way we can. Sometimes we do well at it, other times fail miserably, but the main thing is to keep trying & asking God for the grace.
18:03 💯
What is “Net”?
National Evangelization Team. It's a group run by adults but consisting of youth, that tries to spread the Word in happy group settings.
23:51 why in the world would you assume that, Cam? Very uncharitable of you
Yeah - that was weird
No it isn't. She described me. I'll admit that.
Why was he fired?
I now understand why Pope Francis is putting restrictions on the Latin mass.
From this discussion I can see why he's right when saying that it is causing division among catholics.
18:00 I’m sorry Cam, but that’s bs. If women set the bar that low, they wouldn’t reject so many guys.
Matt finaaaaaalllly gets her pt that the conversation isn’t being had! Wow, that was painful. Thank the Lord everyday that she said yes dude.
Honestly, I think a lot of the trads are very immature in their faith, which is because they are stewards of an old tradition that is beautiful and, IMO, needs to be preserved. But they are not doing God's work by passing judgment the way they do. They are simply dividing the church.
As a 45-year-old woman who couldn't find the right guy to marry (never met a guy who was available AND a serious Christian), I can also say these girls are doing the right thing by going for careers. You don't know if you're going to meet a man, and you still need to plan for your life. The woman who said her education was her backup, she's go it right. It may seem a lonely path, but take it to God. He may have something truly amazing planned for you that your career supplements.
How many women have turned down men because "I need to focus on my career." I'm just one guy and it's happened a handful of times. Men can show up all day long, but it's the woman that chooses. Nobody gets married until the woman says yes. You chose a life alone rather than "settling" for a decent man. Just because it happened, does not mean it's God's will.
Some topics should be properly adressed (and understood) to really grasp what's going on (the "big picture" If you want):
1. The real problems "M.G.T.O.W", "incel" and "redpill" are adressing (even If their answers are wrong, there's a cause for their sucess beyond "rampant women-hating mindset");
2. The solutions "trads" are proposing (even If some groups go way off the mark...);
3. The crisis of masculinity/feminity.
John Paul II could help with his Theology nof Body, but I suspect the trad criticism of his "optimism" may be somewhat correct.