Dating Is NOT a Thing | Dating Apps, Courtship & Catholicism
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- Опубліковано 13 лют 2023
- Dating Is Not a Thing - Fr Cristino offers advice on Catholic dating apps, courtship & Catholicism all just in time for Valentines Day! So is dating Catholic thing? What is courtship? What is right view of romantic relationships and how is this different from the secular perspective? Are dating apps useful when seeking God's will? Fr Cristino offers his unpopular thoughts on all these and more.
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For the past 2 years I thought the reason for my singleness and why God always closed the door when it comes to dating was because I wasn't trying hard enough to meet people. Went to a TLM church yag, yep; nothing. Now I realize that I have a lot of issues I need to work through, and that while I still feel hurt and sad when I see families, I think what's most important is getting to Heaven. I think if I got married now without fixing my faults, I might be in danger of divorce, cause I have a lot of issues... plus I probably need to heal because the last decade I was depressed, anxious, resentful, and in mortal sin. I also like the 'idea' of marriage, but I don't think I can handle the suffering of marriage if I struggle with dealing with my own family issues.
This resonated with me so much
You wont reach perfection on Earth. By all means work on your spiritual life, but keep yourself open if someone comes along and definately take a chance when the opportunity cones.
I'm a catholic convert and I loved your talk. I'm 41 and single, most of it is geared toward young people. In my age range of those annulled or single and never married are increasingly common considering the modern day and culture around us. Great advice you gave, but I feel people in my age group and situation are often ignored.
Even as someone who is 27, I feel like this idea is nice but mostly applies to teenagers. I don’t have a large group of friends I spend all my time with, to vet new guys. My friends are busy with their spouses, kids, careers, etc. I’m not going to bother them to spend group time with me every week to vet new guys. That’s selfish and not feasible.
I actually think this is applicable for all ages. Networking is the safest way, given the creeps and criminals out there, it lessens the chance of violence against women. But it’s extremely difficult for those without a large network of family and friends.
I am still waiting
I just love listening to Father Cristino, the truth is hard to swallow, but when you reflect on his outlook he is totally right. I wish I had heard this when I was a teenager. God Bless the good father and thank you for having him on your show.
8:56 this is so true. Come on too soon and too early compromises your ability to discern your relation to one another.
Amazing advice to fall in love with your friend. Then make it intentional to habe serious conversations about what it would look like to head in the direction of marriage.
Our diocese just started single mingles.❣️
I love this so much!!!!!! 3:20
I came to this conclusion a while back and every time I expressed my decision to never have a”boyfriend” they would fight against it. But he perfectly expresses my own reasoning here. A “boyfriend” is NOT my husband… Having me on his shoulder for events, having our names put together in every sentence, has not been *earned* by some “boyfriend”. And equally I will not assume exclusivity from a guy that I haven’t committed to myself. Scripture says to guard you heart, and that’s just not done in dating. Especially if the two break up🥲
Great advice. But difficult to apply for people 30 plus.... I'm in my 40's and apps, unfortunately, are the only way to meet people. I go to a very big TLM parish where there are no events/situations for the singles to interact..
To be honest, if I waited to meet and get to know girls with my buddies first, I can fairly confidently say, I'd never marry, apart from a true miracle :) I don't think this advice is universal, but it should be considered, at least something of it is relevant.
Take it from where it comes. This is advice provided by someone who did not marry by choice. I think it would be practical advice for a very reduced set of people and very specific circumstances.
Great points that give clarity and food for thought. My dad had some similar thoughts, having come up in the age before dating apps. Also, my growing hesitation about the apps is that it's designed to make each of us sell ourselves mainly by our appearance or other surface means, and for each of us to also look for those superficial markers when browsing. I don't want to be "picked" or even courted primarily for that reason, because then that is a reason that has very little to do with the person I am. So I'm increasingly seeing the value of moving off that commodified approach to the more natural approach.
As Someone who is in their young 20’s I agree with Fr Cristino ❤❤ thank you for talking about courtship
Thanks for sharing!
Great advice. This would save people a whole lotta guilt and sin if they took it to heart.
I think Fr.Christino is on point, dating culture has only really become popular since the sexual revolution.
You want to get to know each other? Meet each other's families, friends public places together if the desire to be closer grows then get engaged.
It's really simple, but we complicate things because we have competing desires.
Aren’t there some things that should be discussed one-on-one like finances?
Such good advice! Thank you so much for sharing these words of wisdom.
Thank you so much ken and father this is all I needed to hear, I was longing for this advice 🤗
Oh my!! This is such wonderful advice. I'm going to share it in hopes that others will share with children and possibly grandchildren. Thank you both🙏🤲🙏💕
What a wonderful Holy Priest - we all wish we had spoken with him before our own lead up to marriage. Amen
I didn’t grow up catholic (I am now) I always thought since I was young that I would never date someone I didn’t think I would marry …. Of course not being catholic at the time I was ridiculed for this to the point that I was ashamed. despite feeling ashamed I never sacrificed my values. I love this priests approach to romantic relationship I have never dated anyone part of it makes me too uncomfortable but this approach that he speaks of would be so natural to me I would feel so much safer with this approach!! It’s so nice to hear this from someone !!! This is so perfect thank you for sharing this I have always felt so much this way when it comes to approaching relationship! (Haven’t met anyone who is similar to me in this yet but I continue to grow close to god and have faith that I will wait for this or for what ever god wills for me)
Words of wisdom for sure. Better than I was expecting!
Would love to have this be a series Father. The worldly way of dating is all backwards and jumbled up. I will turn 29 and I haven't met my future husband anywhere. I've been looking for years and socializing and shortage of young adult groups 😥So this has led me to try online with intentionality and within the Catholic circle. God willing I can meet my future husband soon and I also am trying to make the most of my single life: ministry, travel, hobbies, friendships, etc. And also working on myself. God Bless!^_^🙏
Father your strong opinions matter and they are so insightful and full of truth. I laughed a lot because you are humorous but very true and it's excellent advice. Especially of dating apps etc. Thank you Ken and Father.
Thanks for watching
Agree a million times over!!! So concerned with how men and women (and so often children “dating”) are setting themselves up for so much upset and poor foundation before they do eventually get married to that person or someone else many daters down the line!
Nice presentation - Thank You 😊
Absolutely right...thank you fr.. for giving insight on this
Father knows best. As a practicing Catholic for 4 years now, approaching my 30s and getting older, I’m not much of a social person going to gatherings and meeting people at my church. Even through I had my first kiss at a Christian church when I was 14 I haven’t had that special moment since when a nice holy man asked me something that was so sweet and loving. Now that I am adult I’m praying to the Saint Raphael to find me a soulmate online like Catholic Match, meet them in person and see where it goes from there. All I can do for now during my singlehood is to keep praying. My goal is to be married and have a large brood of children centered on Christ. 🙏🏾✝️
I want to do courtship too. I learned that in modern dating sex is allowed but courtship sex is not allowed. You learn about the person and fall
In love with their soul.
This is amazing! Thanks so much for this, I thought that thinking like this meant I had something wrong with me! Wow!
Father's plan has to be adapted to older people(30's) and online dating. His current plan doesn't work well when it comes to online dating. My wife and I, we had to meet each other through online dating (as working adults who don't socialized much outside of family and work, we don't really have any other avenues), so we had our own unique path that led to us getting married.
Group events and meeting people naturally as one get older and start working a full time job will be a struggle especially meeting other practicing Catholics. I know because I actively had to look for one, and my wife was a rare find and most were either non-religious catholic, or not catholic.
Update: Never mind he addressed it later in the video. Only thing I wouldn't agree with, is introducing family before commitment(being official). If it doesn't work out then the situation gets complicated with more people involved. But having a longer period of not being official with no label or exclusivity is what me and my wife did (she didn't like it, she was ready way before me). However, thoughout the process after being official we always had the common goal of marriage and having a family with kids.
Thanks for your thoughts and for watching. God bless.
There are good lessons in it (I also never wanted to be considered "dating", for example, and never set that status on Facebook :), but it sounds to me it, as a whole, mostly works quite narrowly for very young people without problems with socializing aka "living the normal life". Not only it will hardly work for older people but also not for those who aren't gifted (I consider that more a blessing) by good social life. Personally I never socialized much, because I didn't like it. When I rarely got out with my buddies (understandably not even very close to me), I highly doubt I'd be able to make a good impression if there were any girls to consider. More probably we wouldn't be even good fit for each other.
But even for the "ideal cases", I think the whole thing isn't really meant to knowing each other very well including their flaws (at least the bigger ones) before even anything remotely serious is mentioned. It needs to be in balance with, and I have an impression I heard a similar advice from a different priest, there is a big place for trust, taking some risks, that with God and our effort it will work out, not delaying too much, going with the heart. I think it would even destroy part of the beauty of it. Of course, if God arranges it so the couple happens to be just very good friends who know themselves well before anything, it's also beautiful, but we shouldn't demand it.
We must accept marriage will be always much more risky than a priestly vocation. Even if we knew everything there is to know about the other person, it's not a guarantee of anything.
I agree 100%.
My nursing school & "dating" years were back in the 70s. Our rotation group had classes & patient care/clinical together for three years. We saw one another almost daily. We witnessed each other's ups & downs & grew closer as a team; as friends.
As a group, we went to movies, meals, & just hung out, in our off time, at the dorm. We got to know each other very well. I feel this is what you were referring to. Those years were very special.
However, as years passed, some students did date, but briefly, as most of them came from towns all over Nebraska & headed back home after graduation.
I love listening to you & Ken discuss so many different topics.
Thank you both & God bless you.
This is a good conversation thank you
More people young, all singles need to see this. Thank you so much.
Well also older gals such as myself who can't have children anymore. And I definitely am praying for a man of God my husband to come into my life . I certainly want to be married
Sooooo much wisdom!!
Great advice! God bless you! 😊
Thank you for this! 💜🙏🏻💜
You're so welcome!
Three dates. Then decide to court or not.
I did not commit to courtship until then. Knowing a friend or acquaintance is very different when you are seeking something deeper then friendship.
Love this!!
Great advice Father. I wish I had heard this back in the day. It's amazing advice..wow. I hope the singles are listening. This method avoids so many issues that later arise.
Love it!
🙏🇧🇷❤️Im watching from Brazil.God Bless you
Thank you ❤God bless!
You are so welcome
Thank you!❤
"Trying people on like clothes" I was just praying over the question "can dating/casual relationships be loving?" and that statement answers it. Dating usually turns into "let me use this person for my entertainment until its no longer fun or i find someone better" which seems like too selfish of an approach to be the patient, kind, non-envious, enduring love we're called for
Wish I heard this when I was 18
What a great Priest🤓👍🙏🙏🙏✝️
soo good.
I’m a woman in her early 20s and I agree !!! Super wise words
Great conversation...hoping many young singles find this🙏😇
Found it 😊
okay, I'm watching and commenting, this is amazing, I wish I knew this back then.
Good advice to share with a friend met someone on an app, went to the Philippines, met her once for 5 days and now she is coming to USA for marriage..... no way is this the correct way to meet.
Marriage prior to the 20th century wasn't too dissimilar to what your friend did - there was no lengthy, discerning "dating" process back then. Assuming he got to know her over the app in the months prior to them meeting in person (green card marriage fraud is a legitimate concern), I see no issue with that approach and wish him all the best.
I agree with most of what the priest said. Very wise!
Lumi. Love to all from the Netherlands.
Thank you for live session. ❤️🙏🇳🇱
Courtship and marriage have evolved with culture since the beginning of time. Even the Church has changed the rules many times with no divine justification. Father has some good intentions but I would caution my kids against trusting dating and marriage advice from someone who has never walked the path to a happy marriage themselves.
God spoke here: treat all women differently and then one will stand out. Amazing! A nun said that your love will stand out. The same thing, but the priest articulated it nicely.
I’m Filipino and my Filipino confessor priest told me to fall in love with my friend… 9:51
Centuries ago.....
People did not " date". There were arranged marriages...
Many times, a child was born " engaged", usually a baby girl.
( She must marry the Prince, 1 day)
Marriage was a way to solidify power and control of a kingdom or empire.
1 cannot help but think of Medieval marriage..or thoughts upon it.
Many young noble women were Forced to marry men they did not love, for the sake of a Kingdom or Dynasty.
Wasn't there a song from the 60s that spoke of " shopping around" for a wife/ significant other??
People are foolish if they're thinking of marriage on a First Date....
You wouldn't buy fruit or vegetables without making sure they're good to consume....
How could this advice be adjusted to people meeting on dating apps? They are the most realistic and common way people meet these days post college or graduate school and working in professional settings.
What if you are widowed
But how is it possible to discern a vocation without exclusivity? Are you saying a person should be discerning marriage and the priesthood and the religious life all at the same time without ever giving commitment to any? Even when you’re talking to a friend of the opposite gender about marriage and children?
I thought about this too. I'm doing them step by step. First, priesthood/religious life or marriage. I think that would clear up many things. Also, I'm not sure if Fr actually meant no exclusivity whatsoever before marriage but rather to not view dating as it's own lifestage, rather as a small step on a larger walk towards marriage with this person - basically not to lose that endgoal in mind.
I feel like fall in love with you friend isn’t great advice… you need to figure out who the person is and that can only happen through convos directed at love and marriage
My situation: I'm 26 y/o catholic from birth, thank God I've always had church and community around, never dated just like father Cristino would advice, I'm clearly not ready for children/marriage/dating. Here's my question, what to do when a girl gives me a signal that wants to be approached or wants to hang out? I sometimes receive a wink, a compliment, a hug; girls sits right next to me, wants to dance or any kind of clue. I've always felt terrible for letting those girls down. Can anyone advise on how to honour those feminine acts of courage in a manly way but sub-communicating I'm not ready for marriage? (Take into account that these are XXI century girls and have not listen father Cristino's teachings)
@@anjr6282 Good. I'm screenshoting this and will put it into practice. Thank you.
Man if a girl is showing high interest and you fumble, that’s on you if you mess up. Just be the man and take initiative, and see the results
Is there a Catholic match maker who would help me find someone?
play on words: " seeing" each other or " dating" , that's the difference
What does a young man do when there is no community ? Missed the boat on finding my sweetie pie in high school and college
Many such cases.
In practice this is a bit tougher than it sounds.
For us men(speaking as a man), we need to be able to read the signs. We as men need to look through the “niceness” of women and be able to tell if a girl is interested in us. This requires experience so if you ask a girl and she says no don’t beat yourself up.
For you women, “Be able to convey your signs of interest toward a man effectively.” This just means if you are interested in a man show your feminine side. Don’t try and be all masculine and initiate the relationship because that isn’t your job. If the guy you are interested in isn’t pursuing you, take that as the female form of rejection, because if a man isn’t willing to pursue you he isn’t worth you trying to date.
That’s my advice from a man’s perspective
Should older woman even bother dating? If marriage is ordered to create life, is it best to stay single if over 45+?
I think that is God who has the final word on this and not age. As long as if you're open to life, to have children, then yes, why not? Elizabeth, Sarah, Anne... were old and considered infertile, but they were open to life and by God's grace they all conceived a child. Like saint Padre Pio said "pray, hope and don't worry!" Just trust in God.
@@beatrizgs6 Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that. What a blessing, the right message , at the right time. Jesus I Trust in You.
Thank you again.
So I'm guessing Father doesn't agree with meeting online then?
The assumption here is the young person's parish has other young people of the opposite sex lol
What if an older woman in her 40s and a 20yr at old guy fall in love knowing that the woman may not be fertile. Should he move forward? Like catholic French President Macron and his older wife.
Although people marrying each other despite very large age gaps is very weird, and I would never think of doing so (and If I had children I would tell them to marry someone their age) it is not sinful and as long as couple complete the marital act in a manner that is normally open to life (even though the couple is infertile).
I cannot really wrap my head around why he thinks this way or where he's coming from. I can understand how dating should be viewed in a sacramental lense from either person rather than a sexual exchange outside of marriage... perhaps thats where he's coming from? who knows. I've heard Jason Everet and Amber Rose talk about the expectation of marriage early on putting pressure on the other person.
It sounds to me he's going at this legalisticly instead of individual intention. Again I don't know where he's coming from, so I don't 100% understand what he is saying.
Why is he equating "playing with someone's emotions" with living in abstinence?
The answer is clear: he is constantly citing "I kiss dating goodbye". Now we know the catastrophic effects of this book and this thinking.
I don't see much evidence the church does much to uphold the dignity of marriage outside of enforcing rules. Maybe it's just my parish, but mine has 10k+ attendees per week. 0 singles events, and virtually nothing ing for someone like me who is 40 and single. If the Church is going to take charge of the dignity of marriage it also has to actively encourage parishioners to marry. Btw, I don't disagree with these principles, but without an alternative environment through the church, people will date.
It's funny to watch a Catholic priest relating the content of the book "I kiss dating goodbye", as if were the Revealed Truth from God. Now we know the catastrophic effects of this book and this thinking. You can't avoid kids from 15-17 having dates that lead to sex, and you never will. Instead of that, please focuses on Catholic single people older than 40, hardly strugling to find someone in the Church to have a truly friendly/romantic relationship, before is too late and we all singles leave the Church to find a non-superficial and non-delutional woman.
Guess I'm out of luck then, I have no female friends. Feelsbadman.
"Fall in love with your friend" and. Neither person should udder a word to whether their attracted to each other ?
Then one day one them says after months and group "get to gathers" one finally has the nerve to say " were more than friend aren't we ? And the other person looks at the other dumbfounded and says "what you talking about ?" "I just want to be friends". Ths is Such ridiculous advice in any relationship you always have one person that has more feelings than the other . I'm the kind of person that wants to know where I stand.
This is the kind of puritanical advice you from get from a celibate priest. What you expect?
The man needs to be confident and direct with his intentions, not cautious and indirect. If he gets a no, then he moves on to the next. To do otherwise means him being dishonest in his intentions and longing to "have" her from the pain of the friendzone, and her keeping him around for her own validation and entertainment - these are both self-centered dynamics, not Christ-centered ones, and to be avoided.
I haven't listened to the full video yet, but "Fall in love with your friend", taken at face value, is very worrying advice that lends itself towards obsession, lust, and heartbreak. The scenario you laid out is exactly what will happen in almost all cases... and the sad part is, women all too often know their guy friends are attracted to them and play dumb when the issue is pressed.
@@FortisEquus With the internet I believe some women have over inflated sense of self-worth.
Average women won't even date average guy nowadays men need to be 6ft tall , 6 pack abs, 6 figure income.
@@sitka49 That's very true, and men (even good-natured Catholic men) are coming around to that realization. I no longer use dating sites for that reason. I'd encourage any marriage-minded Catholic man to attend the closest TLM and meet women through that and any social functions the parish may hold.
Sorry no...this is all wrong...God gave us the power of attraction to go out and meet people he created. This priest means well, but he has read too many novels and is out of touch. God bless
I agree
I do think he is being a bit naive. There needs to be a conversation at some point about what to call each other. And that kind of conversation happens usually in private. We’d usually call that a date. Also if you never make a move then the other person may not really know that you’re interested. This advice only seems to be realistic if both people are on the same page about not dating. Like I get what he’s saying, you need to be friends in groups and be around each other before you ask someone out or whatever you want to call it. But it’s also not a rule. Finally the friend zone is a real thing. Our emotions and expectations are a strange thing and hard to understand many times. I feel his advice only really works if both people are overtly interested in each other. Sometimes the ask is the thing that makes someone consider that you’re an option.
I will consider his advice because there is some wisdom to it. But it still seems very idealistic.
@jonathanfairchild yeah this is basically spiritual.malpractice and some of the craziest people I know are religious because they don't have to live in the real world....look into the manosphere and mgtow if you want to start learning how to interact with the magnificent creatures.god created for us called the opposite sex and you'll see that there is a library of information religious never get because it doesn't fit their life goal of being religious. I get it, that's their thing, but they usually are not well developed people and only have a limited amount of value to offer.
2:36 in and its clear you didnt listen
@Aaron-SLC ...you go out with the intention to find a mate...you express that by dating, that is a clear boundry that both people are open and honest about....we are dating because we are looking...were not just nievely hanging out or disengenously going to get to know each other and see what happens. You dont go the the super market and wander around hoping you get a cart full of what you need. I think this priest never learned how to date, which is a skill set, and so ended up a priest. He assums that the way he has learned to relate to people, because he never learned another way, is the correct way of relating to everyone, regardless of the purpose of that relationship. So many people today are in situationships because people do t know how to date...so many get divorced aldo because they ended up there because they got to knkw each other but never had any boudries or framework for their relationship...of which dating is a critical part. This guy is a goof ball.
Taking advice on dating from a celebate man is like taking flying lessons from your dentist. Bad deal.
Bad advice! He implies we should know too little somebody before considering marriage, nuts! Worse also suggesting we should try multiple while dating.
D’aww, I went to UofC and didn’t see Catholics… 🥲 (didn’t look for them, though, at the time)
But I did see a pro-life lady, which was interesting… because I tried to debate her and failed 😅🤭