I experience the same. People ask me to do things for them then hate me for having done it- to their specifications. I am an interior designer and also paint houses, cabinets, murals. So I painted my daughter's house 3 times it looked amazing and she was so hateful to me for months?! WHY?! I didn't even charge her or make her pay Benjamin Moore for the paint. I am discovering I am a Sigma Empath. You may be also.🤗
Such great information! As someone who grew up with a mother who has strong narc traits, people pleasing and twisting myself like a pretzel to suit her needs was the only way to survive. Learning piece by piece to have boundaries and not allow others to push me around at work. Not getting involved in company gossip is a really good one. If they'll gossip to you, they'll gossip about you.
💯 agree! My utmost respect to you 🙌 I’m a therapist and had some clients, friends and co-workers who have narcissistic parents. You are incredibly strong!
This is the same case with me. I invested around 19 years to always ensure the narcs in my life felt comfortable in their life(which they never did). All this goes to my narc parents who conditioned me to think only about others well being and never your own. Time to reclaim my life.
Over the years I developed a mental jiu-jiutsu defense system against narcissists. It sucks when the mask falls and you had no idea who they are :( But having a great strategy helps. I usually ignore them and outsmart them whenever I can.
Ah.. Looking back at my business life, I recall telling one of my directors (a full-blown narcissist) that unless it was business related, I did not have time to discuss anything with her. And so she left. 30 minutes later, she entered my office, closed the door and laid down on the floor, next to my desk, in a fetal position. I ignored her, and continued working. After three minutes had elapsed, I took a sweater I had in the drawer and threw it over her shoulders. I never said a word to her. She stayed on the floor for a full 15 minutes. Eventually she got up, nicely folded the sweater, placed it on my desk and left. I must’ve done the correct thing because she never tried that stunt again. Your lovely channel brings back such memories.❤
@@TheWizardOfWords Because this was so outlandish, this experience (and this crazy lady) often comes to mind. It always makes me wonder if I handled it correctly, or if I should have done something differently. I’ve never had anyone to ask. Thank you so much. After all these years, you’ve put my mind to rest. ☺️💜
I hear you Dan! It gets difficult when the narcissist is being enabled and affirmed by the boss though. Using the language you're suggesting actually worked against me and I got fired by trying to engage with them.
There really is nothing you can do to save yourself with these types. How can you when they’re committed to miscommunication? The best course of action I’ve found is to use take a page from their playbook. Don’t tackle the narc, tackle your other coworkers minds first.
I'm guessing they got DARVO’ed - a sophisticated retaliation technique that has 3 steps: Deny; Attack; Reverse Victim and Offender. The only way to defend yourself in this situation is lawyer up (employment law) or leave.
I’m so proud of myself for handling both covert and plain old narcissistic coworkers today. I set my boundary and said what I expect and how I feel when they do behaviors xyz…I don’t think they will change, but I have set my boundaries and that’s huge. 🎉 I’m in charge of my reaction and leave them at work. If they treat me like this, this how they treat everyone …it’s not personal it’s a mental illness.
I don’t know how many times I listened to this now…..more than 20 for sure. It is my daily mantra. I still have to work on the “not taking them home” part. But your info really saved my sanity. Thank you soooo much Dan.
You are welcome, jajajajaja357 and now I have a request of you-- press the "join" button you'll find on my videos, and become a member of danoconnortraining.com. It is one small step beyond subscribing, and after all, I did save your sanity :)
Your saying the words it's zero importance, whose fault is irrelevant, no consequence, etc was so comforting. It completely kills stress and made me want to work hard at being part of the solution. It's really motivational.
OMG The " Pity them" faces made me laugh so hard that I cried. THAT WAS FANTASTIC I could so go out to cocktails and dinner and after dinner drinks with Dan.
Great information! Thankfully I am retired so no corporate office politics, drama, personalities, or meetings. That said, same could be used at family Thanksgiving tables. ❤ Won't be engaging there either❤ I've opted out😊 looking so forward to a peaceful, unencumbered holiday season - no hustle and bustle, no stress , just happily unplugged❤❤
@@TheWizardOfWords daylight savings ends tomorrow 😱😰😭 so many things to do. I hope you and your family and loved ones, friends, etc have a fulfilling wonderful holiday season! 😊 Thank you for sharing all this wonderful knowledge. There really isn't anywhere we can learn it in high school or college prior to entering the work force. I'm retired but it was very difficult for me to navigate human relationships. I always felt being forthright, honest, cards on the table, open, giving, accepting of positive corrective critism and self correction and self improvement were the way to go. Apparently not. 😝
Vicki I think you have beautifully outlined "the way to go." However--we have to know that most times it is uphill--yet onward we go. Sometimes, however, we all need a little help in protecting boundaries and navigating relationships when people around us think life is a competition, and they have to win at all costs.
Unfortunately I saw too late that we had a narcissist on the team. Only when he stole my work and claimed it as his own and then proceeded to badmouth me on the team
I spoke with someone where I said I like flowers in my yard and the girl said I don’t care for it and said she doesn’t like it and went into how she feels about flowers. She fully exposed herself as a narc.
I was married to a covert narcissist too, for 11 years. Learning to deal with people and situations all over again cause they mess with the mind by chaos and confusion.
This video was BRILLIANT!!! Thank you so much. I’m always looking for this topic and never find it quite this specific. It’s usually “toxic people in the workplace” which is good but doesn’t zero in on the narcissists. I would really love to see a series on this🙏🏼 because it has been such a challenge for me in my jobs. I would love to see topics include narcissistic female supervisors and mean girls and how to navigate politics at work with narcissists because they usually have some level of power- both socially and hierarchically. People usually kiss their ass to stay in good graces. What is a good way to deal with these issues and not hold resentment all the time or get in bad graces with the narcissist with power and suffer the consequences ? I’d love to see more on this🙏🏼thank you!!!!!!!
Omg I needed you. There is this crazy narcissistic old lady at work she is know by ex employees for getting people fired or getting people to quit and she hates me plays weird mind head games with me all the time one minute she's giving me dirty looks acting like she's staying 10ft away from me in front of patients and other employees and next day she's all nice and endearing always talking bad about others and trying to get others in trouble I'm sick of her mind games I didn't know how to deal with her so after last Mondays bullsh** from her I'm done luckily I don't see her everyday i see her like 3 times a week but so I'm ignoring all her conversations and staying away from her unless we need to come together for work and when iv tried to ignore her b4 it bothers her alot she comes asking if I'm OK as if something must be wrong with me if I'm staying away from her. Lol I needed ur video thank you so much I'm subscribing right now. I really need help with this im a total people pleaser.
@TheWizardOfWords ah I need to not be alone with her. Today she asked me to help her put up Christmas decor in the office. And iv been ignoring her so that was weird and like a bozo I said yes but I only helped her with 1 thing but now I will not do it again and will make sure not to be alone with her. Thank you so much for reminding me. ❤️
This same situation happened to me as well. the ex-covert narc friend always sat in front of me making her pity face and would always give me the hot and cold treatment. I got rid of her by always keeping my responses curt and pretending to be involved in some work so that she will eventually leave.
The most arrogant and abusive preachers that I have worked with will say about anyone that disagrees with them:" that person has no humility" and undermine that person relentlessly and have no understanding that they are projecting their arrogance onto others
Great information. I need all the help I can get. I have a co-worker who triggers me every time I talk to him, and I know it's on purpose. That makes it more infuriating. We work from home, so I decided I will not answer my phone ever again when he calls. Text only! Virtual group meetings when he talks, I completely check out so he doesn't trigger me in front of people. I can not let him trigger me any more, he gets off on it, ugh!. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. He is no team player. I'm constantly picking up his slack, and yes, my supervisor knows. I do it to get the job done. I know he has mental health issues but I'm sick of him getting a pass over it.
@@TheWizardOfWordsWhat if you feel that you're not in any physical danger, but you ARE in danger of getting fired (due to false accusations being made against you and that kind of thing)? Is it ever a good idea to be proactive in talking to HR, or is that most likely going to backfire?
HR departments are ALWAYS full of toxic control freaks. Record and document EVERY interaction. If I had followed these guidelines at least 3 managers of mine over the years would have been looking at lawsuits and or prison. NEVER trust them, always get evidence of thier indiscretions
@kylemacdougall8355 in my experience, HR is usually there to protect the company and the company's liability in situations. When I was younger, I thought they were there to help support employees and solve issues, maybe viewed them as similar to union reps (who advocate to the company for you) but this is not what HR does. They want to minimize danger to the company/agency.
Oh my god. I’m dealing with a coworker narcissist literally named John who is gossiping and spreading rumors about female coworkers. Thank you. Your example is so perfect and thanks for what you do. Ps eyebrows and hair on point!
Well eyebrows are just there--but the hair does have to be combed, as my mother points out every time she sees me. Rest in peace, Mom. Someday. I AM JUST KIDDING WHEN I SAY THINGS LIKE THAT, BTW. :) :) :)
OMG,, you are a genius! I cried for 2 yrs over leaving a job because my boss was a covert narc and didn't realize it. I thought it was me. He did EXACTLY what you've discussed! You are so helpful Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge. You're saving lives here xo
I am dealing with a narcissist and recently he just repeated (word for word), my argument to other people claiming it was his argument, and yet that argument contradicted his whole point.
Been there.. the way I responded was; " can you pin point which one is displeasing to you?" If I turned into passive-aggresive mode.. i will emphasize "which one is exactly that you find unpleasant?" Oh boy.. you will trigger them
New Subscriber!!🎉 I’ve spent days searching “tough coworker issues” with little takeaway. Then💥BAM💥finally found the perfect channel!🙌🏼 Your content is the key 🔐 to successfully navigating the workplace ~or life in general!! I’m loving your self disciplined, emotionally intelligent, often comical or tongue-in-cheek advice! And bonus points: you’re attractive with a soothing tone of voice!! My anxiety level has dropped while binge watching all your videos!! Thank you 🙏🏼
The opening line, is so spot on. I have worked with an entire collective of people like this for a while and this past year, I had enough. I have no interest in gossip, petty fights, absurd competition and people selling their grandmother for some extra work or prominence. They crush anyone who doesn't agree with the Stasi protocols and they thrive on the divide and conquer. I already said what I had to say to the 'boss' and made it clear that their narrative is something I have no interest in entertaining. My work is untouchable, and as I am freelance, no, I wont provide a 'summary' of 'evidence' of downright dishonest behaviours taking place that I pointed out. I openly challenged their bullying and gaslighting and made it clear I know and I won't back it up. I turn up to deliver my work, clock out and go home. I told them that anything else, including meetings, are billable hours. They went quiet very quickly.They are mercenary and I can't wait to not to have to turn up anymore. Meanwhile, I am happy enjoying my work. F8*** them.
You are THE best communication coach ever! I can’t take your course at this time, but I have already decided to after I graduate. I’m going to watch ALL you videos. 🙏
you can find narcissists almost everywhere!! It's a mental gymnastics trying to guess their moves and prepare beforehand. The thing that irks most about them is every time in a group setting... they wont try to work. at all. they will have idle time(loud meaningless conversations right at your ear) and when you take the project in a certain manner. they have all the authority to look down on your decisions and badmouth your every action with the other people in the project. they are a headache. all they do is create confusion and steer the project in different ways because they cant listen the first time to anything which doesnt promote their grandiosity. I have to do most of the work in projects in the past because of these narcissistic folks. It is frustrating and I get more invested in doing chores that could have been done in minutes. I really resonated with your words "you start taking the narc with you wherever you go." Because this is exactly what i have been doing the last few months. I may have started implementing firm boundaries but i am constantly in a fight with these people in my head. time to ensure i am a safe, self-aware , loving human being. I guess a lot of people are in this together. Fighting to everyone!
Great video! I found out that my colleague talked to my boss about me behind my back. Now whenever my colleague and I discuss about work on social media, I would email her and cc my boss. She has started to talk to me less.
Jeanmarierock--if my mother sees your handle, she'll steal it :). To answer your question--I try very hard to stay awake and alert on this brief journey and encourage others to do the same.
@@TheWizardOfWords I'm positive your Mom "Rocks" with a son as well spoken, and with your quick wit, I know she raised you just right. I appreciate your advice on handling difficult people, it really valuable information! Thanks again for all your advice. 🙏❤🕊
Oh, Dan, speaking the truth with instruction🥰 So right! I don’t want to take that narcissist home with me in my mind, which is far too easy to do when overwhelmed!!
Hi Dan my name is Arturo I’m in process of writing a book and am researching. You channel full of gold nuggets. You’re a world class trainer. I hope I can be a world class trainer like you. Sincerely Arturo Bolanos Houston Texas. I only met on world class trainer named Phillipp Thalmann from Swissport. He trained me as a LEAN Coach and LEAN Facilitator Trainer.
My coworker narc (overt) is a steamroller. I won't even bother trying to bust in. She can't take any criticism, to the point where when we had an anonymous poll on how well our migration was done, and 2 people out of 12 said it was not run well, she spent a half hour of the meeting explaining how these people are wrong, and how hard the "team" (e.g., her) worked and pulled it off. She was a disaster in the migration, even though she did work hard, she sowed confusion and chaos all throughout. She's smart, though, and I refuse to compete with that level of manipulative.
You are God's blessings. You have helped me countless times dealing with difficult people and my lack of skills to communicate effectively. I have learned a lot for the past 5 or 6 years from you and today...I had to go back and do a refresher and as always m..you provide effective skills and an outlook to understand other people better. Thank you so much.
Exactly ! My store manager needs to see this ..she let's my narcissistic manager tells her what to do and me and this lady has gotten into it bc she so petty ...crazy part is she doesn't even have to work but see work is her way to CONTROL... I can't stand her and she knows it ... I PRAY for my sanity when I'm round her cause she steady plotting and keeping up ish
Valuable information and advice that should be a part of every new employee orientation and Health and Safety meetings (especially during mental health month) and annual courses! If you're a union member, always insist on your union steward being present. Great video, Dan! Thank you!
YES, the armor I equipped was- learn their language…and identify them to protect myself. You’re totally spot on. Thank you for the insight. I’ve gotten REALLY good at identifying different types of people.. not by body language- but down to how they dress, where they’ve shown up (let’s say they’re dressed like they’re high class, and randomly choose to eat that the hood McDonald’s, knowing there was a more corporate run location in their neighborhood) 😂😮💨
New subbie here! I just accidentally stumbled across this video and I absolutely love you! 👏👏👏🥰👍 You made me laugh so hard but you also got your point across too!😂😂😂😂 AWESOME! 🤜🤛❤️💯💯💯
I’m new to your work and dang I wish I would’ve found you years ago 🙏As a self-described light in the world, I’ve attracted these types my whole life they’re everywhere and it’s exhausting. I think the problem is far worse than I thought and I was just putting lipstick on a pig lol I love the phrases that you give people to use . Thank you so much since I turned 40 I ain’t got time for shenanigans no more. Thank you for being here!
Is it better to pretend to go along with covert narcissists? I have one that if I am nice and professional with, they treat me better. It’s not much but things like agreeing with me in public or being more pleasant to work with. But then they never stop being passive aggressive to anyone, even me. I have a colleague…they keep trying to have a “chat” with me to discuss work. Usually it’s fine if I keep it brief and stay on work. But I’m in a precarious situation, this person is good friends with my big boss who will decide whether I can get loaned out it to another team. They know I was pretty much harassed by a completely different employee and I asked to go to my old boss’ team. I’m worried about annoying the covert narcissist. He’s very petty & competitive and my current boss says he is “always so kind”. He’s worked here for more than 20 years and many people at my workplace gossip and have also worked here for 20 years. Thanks for reading of you made it this far!
I just have the issue, I have PTSD, it's healed as much as I can, I don't have flashbacks and such. But when I'm threatened verbally in a group or public setting, my nervous system just goes into panic mode. 😭 What can I do to stay calm and collected?
Stummkind, box breathing is the best advice I can give, however given what you've described I would recommend that you get advice from a therapist more knowledgable about PTSD than I.
How do you deal with a boss who always has a bigger workload or bigger "issues" than you and when you seek guidance or help, they say things like, "oh you're overwhelmed?? Have you seen my desk? Everyone is drowning... 🤷♀️"
Very happy to hear that HR is a no-go. It should be a no-go for most people most of the time. In re being an outcast--remember that the workplace isn't a social club. If people who gossip see you as a non-participant, THAT'S A GOOD THING and gives you more time to devote to your work, which is why you are AT WORK in the first place.
I work for the EU in Brussels and am a 55 year old woman. I'm now in a new job and omg, there are 3 other assistants : 1 outright narc and 1 covert. I nearly CHOKED when you said, "Hey narky narc." 😂😂😂😂😂 Ok the subject is extremely serious but you made me ROAR !!! THANK YOU ! 😂😂😂❤ Everything you said is SOOOO reassuring and I loved your delivery ! Ok, tomorrow I will know what to say. I mean no one would ever think of me as a person who finds herself as a "victim" of these people as I'm extraverted and kind but hooooo mama, I must attract these kinds like flies to poo. 🤔 Omg the getting-us-alone covert narcs : wow! I hadn't seen that. I was telling my husband, as a newcomer to the division, and hearing the covert talk about the overt only made me think : omg FOR SURE they will be talking about me. Anyway, I have to repeat : I love your way of delivering the message with the music and your way of talking. Again, thank you for this video! I'm going to search out more from you.
Love what you do Dan. However, please use psychology terms carefully. Psychosis should not be lumped with psychopathy. Those who experience psychosis are not psychopaths. I think that's a widespread misconception that needs to be clarified ❤. Thanks for the great food for thought as always. Everyone can benefit from learning about narcissism. Doing so honestly changed my life.
I’d agree in principle about not co-opting psych terms, but on the other hand, we need to concede when a word has entered popular vernacular and pay attention to the connotation vs merely the denotation. Otherwise you’ll end up being the person chastising others for saying something entirely benign like “this song is depressing”
I wasn't sure if my coworker was a narcissist, but I'm certain he is now. My husband and I work together. We're a great team and mostly enjoy our jobs, but we have a coworker who is driving us both crazy. It's much harder to leave it at work when both of us are dealing with this guy everyday.
Maybe you could designate a few minutes before dinner to talk about this guy and then drop the topic. Whether political or personal--difficult people can become our obsessions, and we don't want that. It is not productive or healthy. Just ask your children--who want your time and attention. And if you have no children, you two deserve the time and attention of one another.
This video was incredibly informative and very accurate and I was intently engaged... Except for at the end when he went into an unusal political rant that seemed, frankly, irrelevant. I don't really know anything about Lauren Boebert but, the segment in this video about her seemed to be very out of place and really confused me. I just can't seem to understand the point of all that. I feel like it really took away from the video.
Ew I’m literally dealing with a 40+ year old narcissistic WEIRD coworker guy who I don’t even know! He keeps jabbing & jabbing & nit picking. I’m literally going to HR on him today! 😊
Why don't YOU deal with him, instead of going to HR. If he is jabbing and nitpicking, you should know how to handle that--and my guess is that is what HR and/or your boss would tell you. You aren't describing abuse; you are describing a difficult person. Deal with him Livelife.
Thank you for this. It’s comforting/relieving to know that dealing with these individuals is confusing for anyone since we can’t think like them or a personality disorder we don’t have as you said. I’m autistic and have been abused by a few narcissists, I think it’s even more confusing for me because I don’t understand social cues to begin with. But I have also developed hyper empathy and vigilance to protect myself so I trust that I see things for how they really are if I get a gut feeling I will listen to it. Something that really helped me is “actions speak louder than words” and if someone’s words don’t align with their actions that’s how you know.
I have a weird but serious question. How did you become so wise? I’m always so amazed by the depth of your wisdom and am so curious where it comes from in you
I had wonderful teachers, AnnK--from my grandparents to my parents to my brother and friends and teachers and BOOKS. I tried to pay attention :). I study people and find they are actually a more accurate source of information about what works in communication, than all my formal education classes combined. :)
If you liked this video and want to support this channel, please consider pressing the "join" button--right here www.youtube.com/@TheWizardOfWords
I sure wish I had access to you and your awesome coaching 10 years ago. That being said, I'm glad your here now. Thanks 👍
The narcissist in my team talks about himself the entire time during projects and it is very hard to steer away the conversation from himself...
To everyone getting flashbacks while watching this…you’re not alone!
THANK GOD
Thanks this was painful to watch
I forget that not everyone thinks like I do. Good thing there are plenty of people to remind me.
I experience the same. People ask me to do things for them then hate me for having done it- to their specifications. I am an interior designer and also paint houses, cabinets, murals. So I painted my daughter's house 3 times it looked amazing and she was so hateful to me for months?! WHY?! I didn't even charge her or make her pay Benjamin Moore for the paint. I am discovering I am a Sigma Empath. You may be also.🤗
@@vickigonya9432 I didn't know much about narcissists until one ruined my job. I had not thought about personality types until then.
@vickigonya9432 did you do it without her consent? Did you choose the colors without letting her pick them?
Hell no they dont
Been slapped with this same reality check lol.
I changed my expectations. My blood pressure decreased 😅
I ghosted a narcissist neighbor a couple of years ago. No contact. ...what a relief.
"I can't think like people who personality disorders that I don't have..."
very wise... took me decades to learn this lesson
@@moonhunter9993 Decades for me to learn as well. (Not many knew this stuff until recently.)
Such great information! As someone who grew up with a mother who has strong narc traits, people pleasing and twisting myself like a pretzel to suit her needs was the only way to survive. Learning piece by piece to have boundaries and not allow others to push me around at work. Not getting involved in company gossip is a really good one. If they'll gossip to you, they'll gossip about you.
💯 agree! My utmost respect to you 🙌 I’m a therapist and had some clients, friends and co-workers who have narcissistic parents. You are incredibly strong!
I relate 🎉
This is the same case with me. I invested around 19 years to always ensure the narcs in my life felt comfortable in their life(which they never did). All this goes to my narc parents who conditioned me to think only about others well being and never your own. Time to reclaim my life.
We are survivors! I can't recall just how many hits to the head and face I received from my loving mother.
You nailed it!! It's like you work in my office. Working with !a narcissist is so toxic
Over the years I developed a mental jiu-jiutsu defense system against narcissists. It sucks when the mask falls and you had no idea who they are :( But having a great strategy helps. I usually ignore them and outsmart them whenever I can.
Ah.. Looking back at my business life, I recall telling one of my directors (a full-blown narcissist) that unless it was business related, I did not have time to discuss anything with her. And so she left. 30 minutes later, she entered my office, closed the door and laid down on the floor, next to my desk, in a fetal position.
I ignored her, and continued working. After three minutes had elapsed, I took a sweater I had in the drawer and threw it over her shoulders. I never said a word to her. She stayed on the floor for a full 15 minutes. Eventually she got up, nicely folded the sweater, placed it on my desk and left. I must’ve done the correct thing because she never tried that stunt again.
Your lovely channel brings back such memories.❤
Well I will tell you that story was most interesting--and a first--and I think you handled it magnificently :)
@@TheWizardOfWords Because this was so outlandish, this experience (and this crazy lady) often comes to mind. It always makes me wonder if I handled it correctly, or if I should have done something differently. I’ve never had anyone to ask.
Thank you so much. After all these years, you’ve put my mind to rest. ☺️💜
Very happy to help, Susan😎
@@TheWizardOfWords 💜
Glad you didn't get sucked into that...
I hear you Dan! It gets difficult when the narcissist is being enabled and affirmed by the boss though. Using the language you're suggesting actually worked against me and I got fired by trying to engage with them.
Really? This exact language and tone? Can you tell me the exact language you used that got you fired?
There really is nothing you can do to save yourself with these types. How can you when they’re committed to miscommunication? The best course of action I’ve found is to use take a page from their playbook. Don’t tackle the narc, tackle your other coworkers minds first.
I'm guessing they got DARVO’ed - a sophisticated retaliation technique that has 3 steps: Deny; Attack; Reverse Victim and Offender. The only way to defend yourself in this situation is lawyer up (employment law) or leave.
I havent worked in 20 years because of disability but Ive learned a lot about group dynamics. Your stuff can be adapted to many different venues.
Yes, it can and I hope it is, SilverCottage.
I’m so proud of myself for handling both covert and plain old narcissistic coworkers today. I set my boundary and said what I expect and how I feel when they do behaviors xyz…I don’t think they will change, but I have set my boundaries and that’s huge. 🎉 I’m in charge of my reaction and leave them at work.
If they treat me like this, this how they treat everyone …it’s not personal it’s a mental illness.
You should be VERY proud of yourself for establishing boundaries. You may have to re-establish them time and again; be prepared to do that.
@@TheWizardOfWords thank you! You bring strength, humor, and tools to my life.
Thank you so much😘🦋❤️💫🌎🫶🏾🙏😎🥸💐
Also, you inspired me to start vlogging about being a kind person and what you may face when you live happy and positive despite all the odds.
I don’t know how many times I listened to this now…..more than 20
for sure. It is my daily mantra. I still have to work on the “not taking them home” part. But your info really saved my sanity. Thank you soooo much Dan.
You are welcome, jajajajaja357 and now I have a request of you-- press the "join" button you'll find on my videos, and become a member of danoconnortraining.com. It is one small step beyond subscribing, and after all, I did save your sanity :)
Your saying the words it's zero importance, whose fault is irrelevant, no consequence, etc was so comforting. It completely kills stress and made me want to work hard at being part of the solution. It's really motivational.
OMG The " Pity them" faces made me laugh so hard that I cried. THAT WAS FANTASTIC I could so go out to cocktails and dinner and after dinner drinks with Dan.
As long as you are paying, Andrea . . . .
@@TheWizardOfWords It would be my pleasure Dan.
😂😂😂 Dan, I LOVE your humour, omg ! 😂😂😂
You are so hilarious! That's what helps me learn & remember my go-to phrases.
I work with some. My boss has to always be the centre of attention. No one can be better then her!
Japanese custom: don't outshine the boss in public.
It's wisdom
Omg. You said it there. «Its impossible for someone who cant see the truth about themself to see you clearly»
I love that
I love you, Dan! Bobart is a perfect example!
3:40 OMG Dan! That was a true gem hidden in the middle of this video! Thank you a ton for that precious advice!❤ Xoxo from Brazil!
You're so welcome from Mexico and the U.S.
Great information! Thankfully I am retired so no corporate office politics, drama, personalities, or meetings. That said, same could be used at family Thanksgiving tables. ❤
Won't be engaging there either❤ I've opted out😊 looking so forward to a peaceful, unencumbered holiday season - no hustle and bustle, no stress , just happily unplugged❤❤
Well, Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming soon . . . . :)
@@TheWizardOfWords daylight savings ends tomorrow 😱😰😭 so many things to do. I hope you and your family and loved ones, friends, etc have a fulfilling wonderful holiday season! 😊 Thank you for sharing all this wonderful knowledge. There really isn't anywhere we can learn it in high school or college prior to entering the work force. I'm retired but it was very difficult for me to navigate human relationships. I always felt being forthright, honest, cards on the table, open, giving, accepting of positive corrective critism and self correction and self improvement were the way to go. Apparently not. 😝
Vicki I think you have beautifully outlined "the way to go." However--we have to know that most times it is uphill--yet onward we go. Sometimes, however, we all need a little help in protecting boundaries and navigating relationships when people around us think life is a competition, and they have to win at all costs.
@@TheWizardOfWords Yes, correct. I wish I'd had the benefit of your expertise from my 20's through my 50's 😍
Dan, I come for the communication videos, and also learn about the deeper psychology of people behind these behavior traits. It's enlightening.
Unfortunately I saw too late that we had a narcissist on the team. Only when he stole my work and claimed it as his own and then proceeded to badmouth me on the team
That sucks. I'm sorry you had to deal with that cr@p.
The wisdom and love you share are like a refreshing breath of fresh air, I can’t thank you enough 💖
You are welcome, Joy.
I spoke with someone where I said I like flowers in my yard and the girl said I don’t care for it and said she doesn’t like it and went into how she feels about flowers. She fully exposed herself as a narc.
i'm married to a pathetic covert narcissist. this video is so spot-on accurate- as usual! 🎉❤
My condolences. Yikes.
When will you be planning the divorce?
I was married to a covert narcissist too, for 11 years. Learning to deal with people and situations all over again cause they mess with the mind by chaos and confusion.
Minute 9:00 to minute 11:00 is PURE GOLD. Will be listening over and over.
Preach! I actually have a narcissistic PTA mom that I will be effectively shutting down at the next meeting thanks to you Dan! 👏
This video was BRILLIANT!!! Thank you so much. I’m always looking for this topic and never find it quite this specific. It’s usually “toxic people in the workplace” which is good but doesn’t zero in on the narcissists. I would really love to see a series on this🙏🏼 because it has been such a challenge for me in my jobs. I would love to see topics include narcissistic female supervisors and mean girls and how to navigate politics at work with narcissists because they usually have some level of power- both socially and hierarchically. People usually kiss their ass to stay in good graces. What is a good way to deal with these issues and not hold resentment all the time or get in bad graces with the narcissist with power and suffer the consequences ? I’d love to see more on this🙏🏼thank you!!!!!!!
Hilarious and well organized video.
Like your 'pity face'.I do 'pity words'.It's very powerful and healing at the same time.
I think you may be my favorite narcissist whisperer yet! Brilliant
Thank you--I say very very very softly.
Wow best video ever on narcissists ! And I have watched a lot !
Omg I needed you. There is this crazy narcissistic old lady at work she is know by ex employees for getting people fired or getting people to quit and she hates me plays weird mind head games with me all the time one minute she's giving me dirty looks acting like she's staying 10ft away from me in front of patients and other employees and next day she's all nice and endearing always talking bad about others and trying to get others in trouble I'm sick of her mind games I didn't know how to deal with her so after last Mondays bullsh** from her I'm done luckily I don't see her everyday i see her like 3 times a week but so I'm ignoring all her conversations and staying away from her unless we need to come together for work and when iv tried to ignore her b4 it bothers her alot she comes asking if I'm OK as if something must be wrong with me if I'm staying away from her. Lol I needed ur video thank you so much I'm subscribing right now. I really need help with this im a total people pleaser.
Keep doing what you're doing--DISTANCE--she does seem like a covert narcissist, so you don't want to be alone with her AT ALL.
@TheWizardOfWords ah I need to not be alone with her. Today she asked me to help her put up Christmas decor in the office. And iv been ignoring her so that was weird and like a bozo I said yes but I only helped her with 1 thing but now I will not do it again and will make sure not to be alone with her. Thank you so much for reminding me. ❤️
This same situation happened to me as well. the ex-covert narc friend always sat in front of me making her pity face and would always give me the hot and cold treatment.
I got rid of her by always keeping my responses curt and pretending to be involved in some work so that she will eventually leave.
@urvashi-rb9qy great idea 💡 👍 thank u iv been keeping it short and staying busy.
The most arrogant and abusive preachers that I have worked with will say about anyone that disagrees with them:" that person has no humility" and undermine that person relentlessly and have no understanding that they are projecting their arrogance onto others
In my opinion, the only religious leader worth their salt is one who recognizes he/she is here to serve the rest.
@@TheWizardOfWords yes...
Great information. I need all the help I can get. I have a co-worker who triggers me every time I talk to him, and I know it's on purpose. That makes it more infuriating. We work from home, so I decided I will not answer my phone ever again when he calls. Text only! Virtual group meetings when he talks, I completely check out so he doesn't trigger me in front of people. I can not let him trigger me any more, he gets off on it, ugh!. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. He is no team player. I'm constantly picking up his slack, and yes, my supervisor knows. I do it to get the job done. I know he has mental health issues but I'm sick of him getting a pass over it.
He would def get narcissistic supply if you react. It's good you cut off his narc high.
Document everything
Yes - the narcissist gets off on pretty much one thing: manipulation.
The worse offenders at my work is HR & her bestie. 😓
HR is rarely your friend. It is a last resort and should be saved for very serious legal issues--e.g. if you feel you are in danger.
@@TheWizardOfWordsWhat if you feel that you're not in any physical danger, but you ARE in danger of getting fired (due to false accusations being made against you and that kind of thing)? Is it ever a good idea to be proactive in talking to HR, or is that most likely going to backfire?
HR departments are ALWAYS full of toxic control freaks. Record and document EVERY interaction. If I had followed these guidelines at least 3 managers of mine over the years would have been looking at lawsuits and or prison. NEVER trust them, always get evidence of thier indiscretions
@kylemacdougall8355 in my experience, HR is usually there to protect the company and the company's liability in situations. When I was younger, I thought they were there to help support employees and solve issues, maybe viewed them as similar to union reps (who advocate to the company for you) but this is not what HR does. They want to minimize danger to the company/agency.
@@kylemacdougall8355usually backfires but you can get lucky
Oh my god. I’m dealing with a coworker narcissist literally named John who is gossiping and spreading rumors about female coworkers. Thank you. Your example is so perfect and thanks for what you do. Ps eyebrows and hair on point!
Well eyebrows are just there--but the hair does have to be combed, as my mother points out every time she sees me. Rest in peace, Mom. Someday. I AM JUST KIDDING WHEN I SAY THINGS LIKE THAT, BTW. :) :) :)
They are aways obssessed with their cell phones.
OMG,, you are a genius! I cried for 2 yrs over leaving a job because my boss was a covert narc and didn't realize it. I thought it was me. He did EXACTLY what you've discussed! You are so helpful Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge. You're saving lives here xo
Thank you so much for that testimonial, Priscilla.
I am dealing with a narcissist and recently he just repeated (word for word), my argument to other people claiming it was his argument, and yet that argument contradicted his whole point.
Im here learning to be smarter with my words and how to deliver them.
You make this so easy to digest and put into practice. I just love your information and teaching style!
I appreciate that, dmc and as always, I thank you for your membership:) :)
My boss is absolutely a covert. 😅 every email is you’re doing it wrong. Thank goodness. I’m still doing your job 🙄
Been there.. the way I responded was; " can you pin point which one is displeasing to you?"
If I turned into passive-aggresive mode.. i will emphasize "which one is exactly that you find unpleasant?"
Oh boy.. you will trigger them
New Subscriber!!🎉 I’ve spent days searching “tough coworker issues” with little takeaway. Then💥BAM💥finally found the perfect channel!🙌🏼
Your content is the key 🔐 to successfully navigating the workplace ~or life in general!! I’m loving your self disciplined, emotionally intelligent, often comical or tongue-in-cheek advice!
And bonus points: you’re attractive with a soothing tone of voice!! My anxiety level has dropped while binge watching all your videos!!
Thank you 🙏🏼
Well Melindakeown, you have made my day and I thank you :)
Hey just curious when you wrote that comment were you on any substances, medications or anything?
Taking them home with you... Resonates...😳
The opening line, is so spot on. I have worked with an entire collective of people like this for a while and this past year, I had enough. I have no interest in gossip, petty fights, absurd competition and people selling their grandmother for some extra work or prominence. They crush anyone who doesn't agree with the Stasi protocols and they thrive on the divide and conquer. I already said what I had to say to the 'boss' and made it clear that their narrative is something I have no interest in entertaining. My work is untouchable, and as I am freelance, no, I wont provide a 'summary' of 'evidence' of downright dishonest behaviours taking place that I pointed out. I openly challenged their bullying and gaslighting and made it clear I know and I won't back it up. I turn up to deliver my work, clock out and go home. I told them that anything else, including meetings, are billable hours. They went quiet very quickly.They are mercenary and I can't wait to not to have to turn up anymore. Meanwhile, I am happy enjoying my work. F8*** them.
You are THE best communication coach ever! I can’t take your course at this time, but I have already decided to after I graduate. I’m going to watch ALL you videos. 🙏
you can find narcissists almost everywhere!! It's a mental gymnastics trying to guess their moves and prepare beforehand. The thing that irks most about them is every time in a group setting... they wont try to work. at all.
they will have idle time(loud meaningless conversations right at your ear) and when you take the project in a certain manner. they have all the authority to look down on your decisions and badmouth your every action with the other people in the project. they are a headache.
all they do is create confusion and steer the project in different ways because they cant listen the first time to anything which doesnt promote their grandiosity.
I have to do most of the work in projects in the past because of these narcissistic folks. It is frustrating and I get more invested in doing chores that could have been done in minutes.
I really resonated with your words "you start taking the narc with you wherever you go." Because this is exactly what i have been doing the last few months. I may have started implementing firm boundaries but i am constantly in a fight with these people in my head. time to ensure i am a safe, self-aware , loving human being.
I guess a lot of people are in this together. Fighting to everyone!
Great video! I found out that my colleague talked to my boss about me behind my back. Now whenever my colleague and I discuss about work on social media, I would email her and cc my boss. She has started to talk to me less.
How did you become so people knowledgeable!? Every time I watch you, I'm amazed by your emotional intelligence. Thank you for sharing 💗
Jeanmarierock--if my mother sees your handle, she'll steal it :). To answer your question--I try very hard to stay awake and alert on this brief journey and encourage others to do the same.
@@TheWizardOfWords it's my REAL name ,lol😂 thanks for sharing your knowledge ❤
Well the Jean Marie part is my mother's name, and she only WISHES she rocks. (Just kidding, Mom; don't call me up and give me a speech--please.)
@@TheWizardOfWords I'm positive your Mom "Rocks" with a son as well spoken, and with your quick wit, I know she raised you just right. I appreciate your advice on handling difficult people, it really valuable information! Thanks again for all your advice. 🙏❤🕊
Yes truth be told my mom rocks.
I'm going to watch this video at least a couple times so I can remember this very helpful information.
Love this, please expand on how to address a toxic boss
Check out my channel--passive-aggressive bosses
You are preachin to me today!! Dropping some sacred messages 🙏🏻 def divinely sent 🌈💜
Wonderful!
Luz, consider pressing that "join" button and becoming a member of my channel :)
Excellent advice. I wish I knew that before I married my husband.
Many thanks for your membership Marissa. And I hope this video helps you in your next relationship 😉
@@TheWizardOfWords Oh, my. Thank you.
Arrogant people will betray..wow. I see it, but wow.
wisdom!
Oh, Dan, speaking the truth with instruction🥰 So right! I don’t want to take that narcissist home with me in my mind, which is far too easy to do when overwhelmed!!
Hi Dan my name is Arturo I’m in process of writing a book and am researching. You channel full of gold nuggets. You’re a world class trainer. I hope I can be a world class trainer like you. Sincerely Arturo Bolanos Houston Texas. I only met on world class trainer named Phillipp Thalmann from Swissport. He trained me as a LEAN Coach and LEAN Facilitator Trainer.
Happy to help in your research, Arturo. And thank you for your kind words :)
Helpful, actionable, powerful. Thank you so much.
You're so welcome!
My coworker narc (overt) is a steamroller. I won't even bother trying to bust in. She can't take any criticism, to the point where when we had an anonymous poll on how well our migration was done, and 2 people out of 12 said it was not run well, she spent a half hour of the meeting explaining how these people are wrong, and how hard the "team" (e.g., her) worked and pulled it off. She was a disaster in the migration, even though she did work hard, she sowed confusion and chaos all throughout. She's smart, though, and I refuse to compete with that level of manipulative.
You are God's blessings. You have helped me countless times dealing with difficult people and my lack of skills to communicate effectively. I have learned a lot for the past 5 or 6 years from you and today...I had to go back and do a refresher and as always m..you provide effective skills and an outlook to understand other people better. Thank you so much.
You're welcome, Christine. :)
Exactly ! My store manager needs to see this ..she let's my narcissistic manager tells her what to do and me and this lady has gotten into it bc she so petty ...crazy part is she doesn't even have to work but see work is her way to CONTROL... I can't stand her and she knows it ... I PRAY for my sanity when I'm round her cause she steady plotting and keeping up ish
This is so helpful! Too many narcissists in the work place lately. Ooo I like the “they aren’t in the room to defend themselves, that’s poor form”.
Valuable information and advice that should be a part of every new employee orientation and Health and Safety meetings (especially during mental health month) and annual courses!
If you're a union member, always insist on your union steward being present.
Great video, Dan!
Thank you!
OMGG so many things are so clear now 😮 thank you for this video
I love your word by word suggestions! Just need them right now!
I like this guy!!!!!!! Yoh to think how many times have I taken my narcissist with me to lunch😂😂😂😂
I've studied the topic as I have experience in my field of work. You nailed it. Your topics were so helpful. Thank you.
Very helpful and funny. Boundaries, documentation, compassion and clearness
"....poor form..." thank you
This! on repeat until it’s automatic for me. Many Thanks!
OK!
First time to watch and I learned so much. The passive and then the active voice and how to speak to them -- I need to use both. You are a life saver.
Glad it was helpful!
YES, the armor I equipped was- learn their language…and identify them to protect myself. You’re totally spot on. Thank you for the insight. I’ve gotten REALLY good at identifying different types of people.. not by body language- but down to how they dress, where they’ve shown up (let’s say they’re dressed like they’re high class, and randomly choose to eat that the hood McDonald’s, knowing there was a more corporate run location in their neighborhood) 😂😮💨
New subbie here! I just accidentally stumbled across this video and I absolutely love you! 👏👏👏🥰👍 You made me laugh so hard but you also got your point across too!😂😂😂😂 AWESOME! 🤜🤛❤️💯💯💯
Thanks for subbing and welcome.
One of your best videos! Great content and excellent suggestions!
Thanks, Always.
Thank you for sharing this.
I come for the knowledge, and stay for the sass !
hahahahaha :) :) :)
I’m laughing 😂😂😂. I have a colleague who I respond to the way you describe it in the video and it works!!
I’m new to your work and dang I wish I would’ve found you years ago 🙏As a self-described light in the world, I’ve attracted these types my whole life they’re everywhere and it’s exhausting. I think the problem is far worse than I thought and I was just putting lipstick on a pig lol I love the phrases that you give people to use . Thank you so much since I turned 40 I ain’t got time for shenanigans no more. Thank you for being here!
Thanks much t0talrecall. 40? You're just a kid! :)
Your content is so good. Thank you.
THANK YOU. Just thank you for this video.
You are so welcome!
Is it better to pretend to go along with covert narcissists?
I have one that if I am nice and professional with, they treat me better.
It’s not much but things like agreeing with me in public or being more pleasant to work with. But then they never stop being passive aggressive to anyone, even me.
I have a colleague…they keep trying to have a “chat” with me to discuss work. Usually it’s fine if I keep it brief and stay on work.
But I’m in a precarious situation, this person is good friends with my big boss who will decide whether I can get loaned out it to another team. They know I was pretty much harassed by a completely different employee and I asked to go to my old boss’ team. I’m worried about annoying the covert narcissist. He’s very petty & competitive and my current boss says he is “always so kind”. He’s worked here for more than 20 years and many people at my workplace gossip and have also worked here for 20 years.
Thanks for reading of you made it this far!
Thank you I love this so much
I'm glad you like it
I just have the issue, I have PTSD, it's healed as much as I can, I don't have flashbacks and such. But when I'm threatened verbally in a group or public setting, my nervous system just goes into panic mode. 😭 What can I do to stay calm and collected?
Stummkind, box breathing is the best advice I can give, however given what you've described I would recommend that you get advice from a therapist more knowledgable about PTSD than I.
Well said, and a little humor to go with it. ❤😂
How do you deal with a boss who always has a bigger workload or bigger "issues" than you and when you seek guidance or help, they say things like, "oh you're overwhelmed?? Have you seen my desk? Everyone is drowning... 🤷♀️"
😂 I love you. I woke up feeling flat. I watched this video and it made me chuckle. You're brilliant. Thank you x
Some work environments will now make you an outcast when you call out the gossipers.
Call them out how? You mean by telling them you want no part of gossip or telling ON them to someone--HR, e.g.
By telling them you do not want any part of it. Besides, HR is a no go area for me:-)@@TheWizardOfWords
Very happy to hear that HR is a no-go. It should be a no-go for most people most of the time. In re being an outcast--remember that the workplace isn't a social club. If people who gossip see you as a non-participant, THAT'S A GOOD THING and gives you more time to devote to your work, which is why you are AT WORK in the first place.
"Smokey Eyes and Pageant Hair"...got my attention!
I work for the EU in Brussels and am a 55 year old woman. I'm now in a new job and omg, there are 3 other assistants : 1 outright narc and 1 covert.
I nearly CHOKED when you said, "Hey narky narc." 😂😂😂😂😂
Ok the subject is extremely serious but you made me ROAR !!!
THANK YOU ! 😂😂😂❤
Everything you said is SOOOO reassuring and I loved your delivery !
Ok, tomorrow I will know what to say.
I mean no one would ever think of me as a person who finds herself as a "victim" of these people as I'm extraverted and kind but hooooo mama, I must attract these kinds like flies to poo. 🤔
Omg the getting-us-alone covert narcs : wow! I hadn't seen that.
I was telling my husband, as a newcomer to the division, and hearing the covert talk about the overt only made me think : omg FOR SURE they will be talking about me.
Anyway, I have to repeat : I love your way of delivering the message with the music and your way of talking.
Again, thank you for this video! I'm going to search out more from you.
Thanks Canuckbelgo; I appreciate your message :)
@@TheWizardOfWords je vous en prie, monsieur ! 🙂👍
Love what you do Dan. However, please use psychology terms carefully. Psychosis should not be lumped with psychopathy. Those who experience psychosis are not psychopaths. I think that's a widespread misconception that needs to be clarified ❤. Thanks for the great food for thought as always. Everyone can benefit from learning about narcissism. Doing so honestly changed my life.
Thanks for the clarification, Annie. I appreciate it.
It's not the same... however, people with personality disorders can have psychotic episodes, delusions etc. It's not always obvious...
I’d agree in principle about not co-opting psych terms, but on the other hand, we need to concede when a word has entered popular vernacular and pay attention to the connotation vs merely the denotation. Otherwise you’ll end up being the person chastising others for saying something entirely benign like “this song is depressing”
Excellent advice.
I wasn't sure if my coworker was a narcissist, but I'm certain he is now. My husband and I work together. We're a great team and mostly enjoy our jobs, but we have a coworker who is driving us both crazy. It's much harder to leave it at work when both of us are dealing with this guy everyday.
Maybe you could designate a few minutes before dinner to talk about this guy and then drop the topic. Whether political or personal--difficult people can become our obsessions, and we don't want that. It is not productive or healthy. Just ask your children--who want your time and attention. And if you have no children, you two deserve the time and attention of one another.
Thank you ❤ Great advice! Very helpful tools ✌️
This video was incredibly informative and very accurate and I was intently engaged...
Except for at the end when he went into an unusal political rant that seemed, frankly, irrelevant. I don't really know anything about Lauren Boebert but, the segment in this video about her seemed to be very out of place and really confused me.
I just can't seem to understand the point of all that. I feel like it really took away from the video.
Quaagin, first, please learn about Ms. Boebert and then return to the video.
Thanks. I'll have a new job soon & am armed with more insights.
Many thanks, Pugs425 and I'm happy to help with insights :)
Ew I’m literally dealing with a 40+ year old narcissistic WEIRD coworker guy who I don’t even know! He keeps jabbing & jabbing & nit picking. I’m literally going to HR on him today! 😊
Why don't YOU deal with him, instead of going to HR. If he is jabbing and nitpicking, you should know how to handle that--and my guess is that is what HR and/or your boss would tell you. You aren't describing abuse; you are describing a difficult person. Deal with him Livelife.
Thank you for this. It’s comforting/relieving to know that dealing with these individuals is confusing for anyone since we can’t think like them or a personality disorder we don’t have as you said. I’m autistic and have been abused by a few narcissists, I think it’s even more confusing for me because I don’t understand social cues to begin with. But I have also developed hyper empathy and vigilance to protect myself so I trust that I see things for how they really are if I get a gut feeling I will listen to it. Something that really helped me is “actions speak louder than words” and if someone’s words don’t align with their actions that’s how you know.
There you go! Consistent actions matching words are the best social cues of all.
This is good advise.
I have a weird but serious question. How did you become so wise? I’m always so amazed by the depth of your wisdom and am so curious where it comes from in you
I had wonderful teachers, AnnK--from my grandparents to my parents to my brother and friends and teachers and BOOKS. I tried to pay attention :). I study people and find they are actually a more accurate source of information about what works in communication, than all my formal education classes combined. :)
😔 thank you for the accuracy of my lived experiences