How to Communicate When You're Angry
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- Опубліковано 16 чер 2024
- When you're angry, it's tempting to attack, be passive aggressive, or just stuff it. But all of those strategies won't help your relationship in the long run. Learn the secret to communicating in a way that builds the trust in your relationship...even when you're angry.
In this video, I explain the power of turning your loaded questions into curious questions to build trust in your relationships.
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Love this, Dr. Petak! I continue to use the tools you taught my communication class in Grad school often. I'm going to share this on our WC socials!
Thank you, Carlena! You were a rock star student. Thanks for sharing!
I hate when people don't give me enough credibility. Because of it I start fearing to give my opinions and that makes me feel weak. When someone call me dumb because of something I said, it piss me the hell off.
Your anger is a sign that you value yourself and your worth, and that is a good thing, Arroba. Where we get ourselves in trouble is when we start believing what they say and it affects our confidence. You must learn to combat lies with truth- especially with the truth that God created you as unique and precious in His sight. My video “How to Communicate When You’re Angry,” might help you, too. ua-cam.com/video/CPeru_dPrPU/v-deo.html
I got a tear of this. It made me tear. Just reminded me of my life, how I get angry like the turtle, fox and bulldog at people. It affects me so much.
I do want to know how to break open a person who is “emotionless.” Always hiding their emotions. Not feeling sadness or anger because they just can’t feel it because of their past experiences. How do I make them soft again?
TheMasterOfRoblox Thank you for your comment! One of the most important things is to create a “safe” place for that person to feel and express feelings. If I shamed you for telling me you that my video made you tear up, you probably wouldn’t tell me that again, right? And maybe you would even start telling yourself it isn’t ok to feel sad. But by making it ok for you to feel and express emotions (even if they are about me and how I made you angry) then I help you feel safe to actually let yourself feel. It can take a very long time, so be consistent with creating that safe space - and be patient. In any case, be careful not to shame the person for not expressing emotions, because that definitely won’t help them soften.
Speak Eagle with Dr. P Oh thank you
I hope you are creating more material! This has been so helpful!
I needed this!!
All the things you said are right I'm literally crying right now I do have anger issues for fear of loneliness and people judging me all the time
Temidayo, thank you for sharing your tears and your pain here. I see you and hear you. You are not alone - ever.
i have classmates in my school wo swear at me all the time over things i never do. and it really got to me. i thought to myself, all these years, i wasn't so nice to some people because my anger has taken over who i am. after all this happening to me, I really want to change who i am as a person. thank you, this helped me a lot :)
Oh ⁰⁰ 00
I have a feeling there have been a lot of raw and deep emotions underneath your anger. I believe you will be able to express those deeper emotions in time. Thank you for sharing that this video was helpful for you!
Perfectly done. Thank you.
Thank you, Soleil!
this video right here is gold, thank you doctor i always try to calm myself down when i’m angry but when i can’t figure out how to communicate with acting out i just act out
Thank you, mustydusty! It has helped me so much to find my “softer” emotion that’s underneath the anger and communicate from there. People shut down when I just spew my anger, but if I can tell them I’m lonely or sad or disappointed or afraid, then we can actually have a conversation instead of a shouting match.
Man did I need to hear this.. thank you 🙏🏽
You're welcome!
Reality check though. How many women have been vulnerable, spoken to their partner about how they missed them, were lonely and just wanted to spend time with them and their partner has actually responded with an even more hurtful, more abandoning action. Or even gotten angry at the woman for feeling in anyway hurt because he 'did nothing wrong'. #JS
Totally. So many. Which shows the maturity of the partner. Unfortunately, we can’t change others or control their responses. We can only control how we communicate and hope to lead by example.
Awesome.....Heidi!
Thanks for the encouragement, Judy!
This is awesome!
Thanks, Jordan! Glad it was helpful for you.
I tend to be a turtle
Join the club. :)
Thank you so much for this informative video.
You are welcome, Yasmeen. Thank you for your comment!
Nicely done and very practical. Short video with a profound content! Great job Dr 👍
Glad it was helpful!
Great tips! Although, I do wish the music was lower since I want to hear more clearly.
Thanks for that feedback! I’m learning as I go.
I definitely need to work on this
We all do! It's a whole new way of communicating and requires us to establish new habit patterns. Not easy...but possible!
waiting for the next video about Communicate Skill thank you :)
I'm glad you want to improve your communication skills! You've come to the right place. I'll post another video soon :) Thanks for the comment!
I avoid all eye 👁 contact with all my neighbors to stay out of trouble since I’m having a bunch of family problems and all the neighbors avoid and don’t speak 🗣 to us. I’m on good terms with people at work which is really good.
Hi Praveen- I can understand why you would want to avoid eye contact with your neighbors, though it makes me sad to hear it.. It’s good that you are on good terms with people at work. You need to have supportive people in your life.
Be an eagle is my favorite mantra now that keeps me calmer ❤
Faheem! You made me smile with your comment. I say this to myself all the time and it helps keep me calmer, too. Thank you so much for sharing this. You made my day.
That was great👌👌
You have a way with words🥰🥰 you alabrarate it so tangible and easy to understand
Thanks a million😘
Thank you, Sara!
Ouch that hurts....
Resourceful.
Glad to hear that, Sohail!
@@SpeakEaglewithDrP welcome Mam.
Wish I could have seen this 4 days ago next time ok.🧐
I guess now you’ll know what to do next time! 😀
I love how plain and simple this video is! How do we navigate expressing loneliness without our partner feeling like I’m reliant on them and therefore, trapped or controlled in a relationship? Is that even possible?
Hi Lauren, I have struggled with this too, so I usually choose to include a qualifier, like “I realize you have your own life and things that you need to do, but I wanted you to know that I enjoy your company.” That way the person knows you don’t expect them to be there 24/7. In any case, I have found that people typically respond pretty positively when you tell them you enjoy their company!
we she was talking about loneliness i really felt that. I lashed out at my partner cuz we couldnt spend any of the holidays with eachother when she told me that she could spend them with me. It lead to us breaking up but i understand now that i was angry because i was lonely. idk why i couldnt identify that before i lashed out
It’s really challenging to recognize our softer emotions in the moment, especially when we are hurting so much. I’m sorry for your pain and loss, Andrew. I’m glad you are able to recognize now how your loneliness was fueling your anger. Maybe communicating from that softer place could help your relationships in the future. Thank you for sharing. God bless you.
me while watching video: ok wait lemme take notes😡
(i am the turtle when i am angry btw, thought some people would be interessted in knowing how people communicated before they watched the video)
Join the turtle club!
Although...telling me you were mad/frustrated with an emoji might be more like a Fox...
I’m 100% a bulldog, fox AND turtle! I have an issue communicating any negative with my husband. I shut down and leave him guessing. He’s also an alcoholic in denial. I have expressed how I feel about his drinking numerous times which has resulted in many blow ups. More recently, the “talks” I have with him about it, have been calm but with the only admission that he sometimes drinks too much. He’s aware it hurts me and promises he’ll slow down but that only lasts a day. He is a “yes man”. I want something, I don’t necessarily ask but look for confirmation that he’s ok with what I will be doing or buying. Note that I don’t work and he is the soul bread winner. When I have an issue with anything negative.... I shut down like the fox. I’m afraid of his response. He’s got quite the way with words. I, on the other hand, need much more time to think about something good to say back or even just to reply in general. I have a hard time expressing “calmly” how I truly feel about something. I also have a hard time communicating when pressured to do so. That’s when I become the turtle and snap and say how I hate to be pressured into talking. So, therefore, I shut down when I have an issue but also avoid any pressure to open up cause I fear the unknown response. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. 🤷♀️
Hi Lola- I think we all use the communication strategy in the moment that we think will be the safest. What do you think the “softer” emotions are that you’re feeling underneath all of this? (love, loneliness, fear, desire, shame, sadness...) What would it be like to communicate from these softer emotions instead?
@@SpeakEaglewithDrP I think I’m mostly feeling “fear” in those moments. I fear his response to what I’d want to discuss and I would fear the worst... separation. Not at all what I would want but I feel it could end that way by not talking about the issues I have.
@@lola7509 it seems like you fear vulnerability and the potential disconnection that could result. The neat thing is that I can tell it’s really driven by your love for him and your desire to be with him. I can’t imagine any husband who wouldn’t want to hear that 😍
@@SpeakEaglewithDrP You hit a nerve there. Yes, I definitely love and adore my husband but feel vulnerable often times because of his use of words in negative situations. Perhaps I can explain this to him as to why I become a fox then turtle. Thank you so much for your advice... and quick I might add. I have subscribed and look forward to more educational videos. ❤️
@@lola7509 I saw that! Thank you, Lola. Maybe I’ll create a video with communication advice for marriage. 😀 And then my husband will hold me accountable for doing what a teach- ha!
I never know what to do, because even when I explain why I'm angry to the person and am being vulnerable they don't respond to it they just ignore me and shut me out and it makes me feel really unheard and lonely
does anyone have any tips??
Hi obsessions, I totally understand. The hard thing is, we can’t make anyone listen to us or let us in. All we can control is the way we communicate with the other person and pray they grow in their ability to empathize. Be sure when you are explaining why that you stick to communicating from your softer emotions (like sadness or loneliness) and whenever they do listen or let you in, affirm them like crazy!
@@SpeakEaglewithDrP thannk you!
I have violent anger problems, and maybe talking to someone before I go off will calm me down
Jordan- Thank you for your honesty. It's also important to discover where your anger is coming from. Usually it's from deep hurt in your past. Forgiving those who have hurt you can be a first step towards letting go of the anger. It's not easy, but God shows us the way because He forgave us.
I feel the same way but not to that extent. I am hoping all the best for you and hope you will find a good way to solve your problems without violence. That will just land you in prison and you don’t want that, do you?
so this is basically for love relationship. what about with colleagues at work?
Great question, Yanyan! Just like at home, it’s also not going to help your relationships at work to be a turtle, a fox, or a bulldog when you are angry. Eagles at work take the high road, and communicate from the place of what they long for. Do you long for a more unified team? Clients who respect you? Trust- based relationships with coworkers? A boss who welcomes feedback? Communicate from a place of longing, as that can help people be more receptive than coming at them with your anger. Also, ask good curious questions about how you can help them in the area where you are frustrated. If a coworker keeps missing deadlines and that make you look bad, you can ask that coworker if there’s anything that you can do to help them make the deadlines. Communicate the good that you want for them, too!
@@SpeakEaglewithDrP Thank you for your reply! It's very helpful!
If the other person uses all your vulnerabilities against you, this hasn’t worked for me in the past.
I agree, Alejandra- if the other person uses all of your vulnerabilities against you, this strategy of communicating from your softer emotions probably won’t work. The best response in that case is to state clearly what you need and then set boundaries to protect yourself.
How do I tell my bf that I wished he could at least communicate with me more text me goodnight or share what's going with him. :/ I don't want to sound mad to him but I am upset about it. It hurts...
Hi Brianagh- One of the best ways is to tell your bf how much it means to you when he does communicate with you. Tell him thank you, and how it helps you feel close to him when you are apart. If he does text you, tell him right then how much it meant. Sometimes finding the “bright spots” and praising the other person when they do it “right” can be more persuasive than telling them they are doing it wrong or need to do it better.
I'm a turtle-
Me too! It takes a lot of courage to share honestly, doesn’t it?
So far have tried:
Letting a doctor know it was a lie that she didn’t get my messages
Outmatching in professionalism a psychiatrist suffering from dick-brain
Writing situation down that is an obvious attempt at messing with me, instead of building resentment.
Going to a outside source to talk issues away without letting source know they’re getting to you, and having them listen.
Coming in “above” the situation, like “let me be the doctor. Let me be the parent”
Hanging up phone/walking away, because “there was never any doubt of the justification of my anger”, though everyone tries.
Better communication “feel very chewed up and spit out right now”, really ideal for ensuring poor decision making…the best.
More attempts on the way……..
I think your best one is “writing a situation down instead of building resentment.” Reminds me of journaling. I’m guessing you had to do a bit of forgiving and letting go of it in order not to build resentment?
@@SpeakEaglewithDrP yeah, but no-one takes ownership for lying and messing with you. Unless you come in as their Daddy. Mental health professionals especially. And sometimes not even then. I can write it down, but will they ever admit, in 10,000 words or less, I’m pissed off for a reason?
@@thetruther954 I get it, and that’s really frustrating. The way I see it, we can ask for an apology but we can’t make anyone do anything. All we can control is ourselves and our responses. Sometimes I have to just go for a speed-walk to kick in some natural endorphins and then go help someone less fortunate than me. I was with someone this week in ICU in the hospital and it made my problems seem a little smaller.
@@SpeakEaglewithDrP I don’t think you do get it. That sounded like the tongue lashing I was afraid of. I’m not going to do all of that.
I didn’t mean it as a tongue lashing at all, just sharing what has helped me. I’m sorry it came across that way. You can certainly continue to try to insist that others take responsibility for their actions.
I’ve been a turtle fr
Hi Amber- it’s so hard to overcome the fear that keeps us being a turtle! I still find I struggle with it. If you can find one safe person who you can be honest with, practice “sticking your neck out” with them!
talk to a friend about it
Talking to a trusted friend is definitely an option. And then eventually you'll need to have a talk with the person you are angry with.
Video great, but the background music annoying
Thank you for your feedback. I will use a different track and keep the volume lower next time.
Can i be a toad though?
Better a toad than a slug
Can you sing? I just read that toads don't "ribbit," they sing.
Anger is a primary emotion. Please inform yourself with Paul Ekman's studies. It seems to me you are sugesting to fake the source.
Hi Julio- You are right that anger is a primary (or universal) emotion. At the same time, it is a secondary emotion because we often use anger to protect our other raw emotions- like fear or sadness. See this psychology article for a good explanation: www.michaelswerdloff.com/anger-secondary-emotion-what-protecting/
Content great, background music annoying
Thanks for the feedback! I’m learning…
This is too positive. Impractical.
Any advice that at any point says ‘don’t be..’ this and that is crucially flawed.
Thanks for the feedback, Peter. It has helped a lot of people, however, so I think it's important to not discount it entirely or call it "crucially flawed." It just might not be for you, and that's okay.
I can't listen to the content of the video because of the background beat.
Thank you for the feedback, Julia. I'll try to choose a less distracting music bed next time.