another non-red flag: not being on social media. some of the women in a support group i went to said that not having social media is a red flag. funny because i deleted all my social media accounts to preserve my mental health while going through post-abuse trauma. some of us are truly empathic people who cannot stand the rampant narcissism on socials. meanwhile, every narcissist on social media claims to be an empath. real empaths would not be on social media at this point.
Lol not being on social media, is not a red flag. I would even argue that it’s healthier. Social media has bred or exposed narcissism if anything. Unless they are referring to not being able to find any info on you to indicate wether you are a narcissist or not but they’re not entitled to your personal information. You also don’t need social media to use intuition on people.
Being on social media too much, may be a red flag. But not having it is almost a green light. Haven’t had social media in years, and good for you if you don’t either. Not all social media people are toxic, but social media is rather toxic in itself, in many ways.
Non-red for sure... Some narcissists thrive off of social media and any mass following . My ex was envious of colleagues with the blue checkmark. Finally got it and became even more entitled and self absorbed. I only started a social account media after being discarded - to connect with others. I never used social media before. I'm not a narc:)
Let’s not confuse Confidence with Narcissism. Loving oneself is not the same as harming others. If others are threatened, then it’s upto them whether they choose to heal that within them, or not. Many people conduct businesses, promote health education, share happy moments, & love sharing selfies especially if they put discipline & hard work & efforts into themselves. None of the above makes one a “narcissist”. I know many people that post their stuff daily, but simply don’t have the time to watch everyone else’s shit. Perhaps make time to checkup on the the few important people in their lives. I feel it’s unhealthy to judge others based on limited information. Some love social media, while others may feel insecure, or overwhelmed. It’s a preference.
I feel like someone either having abusive family members or very little family at all because they've had to cut people out is often seen as a 'red flag' by uneducated people, and that really frustrates me. My family history isn't my problem and it doesn't make me a bad person. I hate this "well, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree" kind of mindset.
I feel the same way. It's such a big problem that makes it difficult for survivors to form close relationships and social circles. I myself have experienced this discrimination.
I agree. In the past, I have had trouble forming friendships and relationships with others because I revealed I was not close to my family, or I revealed traumatic experiences I had with my family. Because of that, I mostly just hang out by myself and I enjoy it.
'Luckily' my father died when I was young, my mother lives far away, and my gran has dementia and finally went to a care facility a few months ago. I finally feel like I can start dating now, and be able to explain my lack of family bonds without going too into depth why certain members are no-go's right from the start.
It’s not a red flag if you aren’t close to your family of origin. I also learned that it isn’t necessarily a good thing if a man is close to his mother. My ex was close to his mother and they appeared to have a good relationship. Later I would learn that they are enmeshed and both incredibly narcissistic. Not all families are healthy.
Right. Before, I believed that having a close-knit family is good. My husband is a family-oriented man but turned out to be not a good husband who puts his family before me. He is a narc as well as his parents and siblings. Never met a family as dysfunctional as theirs. Shows people they love and care for each but have constant issues against each other at the same time that aren't resolved and talked about.
Yeah, my boyfriend is not very close to his mother, and his mother is not bothered about him, either. She is not going to listen to his stories and mood sharing. She is just not doing these things. Sometimes when I call him, she picks up the phone, and I ask where he is, and she says she does not know. And she does not seem to care about where he is. Some men talk about their mothers very often. But he does not do that at all. Afterwards, he says that his mother does not listen to what he says about difficulty in life. She just does not do that. I think it is better. She is a widow. He says that she sometimes cries in the bathroom when he is in high school. His father leaves debt to her. But he leaves a shop to her and my impression about her is cooking and sending cheap meal boxes to construction sites. They are not attached closely. But he says he grows up having bad mood because most of his teenage years is spent when adults talk about money. no, lack of money.
@@shiiaustria8521 Sounds exactly how my family is. Every single narc or flying monkey returns and reports the gossip. Spreads like wildfire. Holidays come around they act like we’re all happy as can be. I’m on 9 months of no contact with my whole family. I’ve finally had the most successful year of my life in 2022! Being a codependent was so hard and still is hard. I finally let go, and realized I had to do what is best for me.
One of my favorite bits from the TV series, Bojack Horseman, was when he and his girlfriend were breaking up. When the topic of red flags came up, she said that maybe she didn't see them because she was trying to see the good and was looking at the world through rose-colored glasses; seeing red flags while wearing rose-colored glasses just makes red flags look like flags.
Even if someone is nice and caring towards me, if I see them treat someone else badly that's a red flag for me because that person might not be treating me badly right now but from my personal experiences if they treat others badly then my turn is just around the corner.
@@katieandnick4113 No of course when I saw him treating his ex badly I stopped and thought to myself that it was wrong of him. However that being said by that time I was all ready married to him and the trauma bond is real. It's not that I was okay with the way he treated others and no I wasn't okay with him treating anyone badly including myself. I just didn't see that side of him until we were married and by then my thought process was "maybe he has a reason for being so mad at this person" and as long as I'm not getting screamed at and pushed around then I was safe. It wasn't a matter of being okay with any of it. It was more of a survival mode by the time I saw that side of him. Yes in a way I was making excuses for his behaviour but not intentionally or in a malicious way and I wasn't only looking out for myself and I'm sorry if it sounded that way. I hope that made sense to you I tried to explain it the best I could. When your in a situation with someone who is abusive things get very foggy and blurred. Cognitive dissonance and the trauma bond happening simultaneously is very confusing. So all I meant by my comment above was the next time I see anyone I'm dating or with treating someone else badly no matter who they are that is a red flag for me now. It wasn't a red flag to me then because I didn't understand it yet.
MASSIVE Red Flag For Me Is When Someone Enters Full Commitment Mode & Expects Me To Do The Same Because They "Vibe" With Me Over Coffee All Within One Week A Common Misconception Is That Emotional Instability Is Somehow Restricted To Only One Emotion (Usually Accepted To Be Anger) But In Reality Emotional Instability Applies To All Emotions Including "Positive" Ones, The Instability Is Simply A Disproportionately High Emotional Response Compared To The Level Of Social Interaction Currently Being Participated In & Wanting To Marry Someone & Live Out The Rest Your Lives Together In A Lakeside Cabin After Only 5 Minutes Of Good Coffee/Conversation Is DEFINITLY A Disproportionately High Response To That Level Of Social Interaction, Whenever I See This My First Thought Is If They React This Way With Me When I Make Them "Happy" Than I Dread To See What Their Response Would Be When I Make Them Mad. I Apologies To Anyone Regarding My Typing, I'm Partially Blind In My Left Eye So Capping The 1st Letter Of Each Word Helps Me Identify The Spaces Between Words
The Equivalent Of This Happened To Me Today. Your Explanation Is Very Helpful In Processing My Negative Feelings And Thoughts About What Happened. After Exchanging Texts, A Few Phonecalls And A 1.5 Hour ‘’Date’. The Declaration Felt Excessive And Scary. I Saw Their Vulnerability, Felt Deep Empathy And Sensed Danger For Them And For Me. The Disproportionately High Emotion And Commitment When ‘I Make Them Happy’ Was Unnerving And Bodes Ill If They Were Ever To Be Displeased. Your Common Sense Insight Made It Clear Why Such Apparently Lovely Words And Actions Made Me Feel So Bad. Thank You AlphaBeastLord.
Someone that has never been married is definitely NOT a red flag. This could mean that they are careful, and don't jump in too soon. It could mean they are accountable enough to know they aren't ready. If someone is in treatment, that is also accountability. Someone that hasn't been in a relationship for a long time is not a red flag. It could also mean that they just don't settle for less and don't use people. I hear people get this stuff wrong all the time, and if they are getting this stuff wrong, it generally means that THEY are not ready for a relationship, because it generally means that they do the opposite of those things that they disapprove of.
I’ve had older folks in my family think that if you’re over 18 and still unemployed and living with parents, there’s something wrong with you. That’s what this false red flag reminds me of. One should never assume.
@Leo. Thank you for your comment and wisdom. Well said!!! Yes, people judge and condemn others who have never been married. Awful!!! Unfortunately, it has always been that way forever. In the old days, unmarried women were “old maids.” Unmarried men were “old bachelors.” In today’s society, unmarried young men (and maybe women ?) are called “Incels.” This is a derogatory term. Worse, you hear that men, or women, who are “not married, it is because they are gays, and they don’t know it.” Heard it. Ludicrous!!!
Could mean that the only available men in the area are drunken toxic overweight and over aged because thats the culture. Call it red flag on me as much as you like. You know what you can do with your opinion
Keyword "feeling" and "uncomfortability" Anything that makes you feel off, makes you feel uncomfortable....pay attention to it. Red flags are simply our intuition. And we all know what happens when we ignore it.
@@cosmo43095 This doesn't only apply to narcissists. It could literally be anything. Bottom line is we should not ignore how we feel. It's all the same concept.
Okay but we're still human and could be wrong sometimes. Also if you're talking about safety I totally agree, but otherwise sometimes we'll still have to interact with people we don't like, especially those of us who work in hospitality and other industries. I could feel something is off about a person without them being a threat to me, it's important to know the difference.
I got to a point after healing, “I see narcissists everywhere “. But as you relax and let your healing become normal life for you, you won’t as much. People can be narcissistic, toxic, raised to behave in certain ways or just need to heal themselves, bottom line, how does it make you feel and is living with it making your life better or worse?
In our society, I don’t think it’s far off to say narcissists are everywhere. Look at our government. They sprinkle a bit of generosity here and there and expect us to be grateful. The rest of the time they’re pointing fingers at each other while folks keep suffering. You get that same behavior throughout various communities in our country. Plus not many are willing to do something good without being in front of the cameras or in the spur of the moment. Everything’s conditional.
@@izzylandyt I don't think "our government. They sprinkle a bit of generosity here and there and expect us to be grateful." Which nationality are you from? But what good things are you doing to help those who keep suffering? Probably nothing at all. That means this kind of comment is not helpful. Do you do anything for your people unconditionally? Probably nothing either. Your government is composed of you and your citizens. You are equally responsible for the government that you build. How government works is your responsibility, too. You have to be unconditionally give to have that come back to you. Nothing is free.
I agree, it can be all too easy sometimes to judge someone and say they're a narcissist, but in reality someone may just have narcissistic qualities and i think that's true i think everyone has a some narcissistic qualities to a certain degree when everything is ego based. I feel like growing up in a certain environment or being raised a certain way or just being around/ with someone that's narcissistic like can make a person think "am i a narcissist" or "is this person a narcissist" in my personal experience, i grew up in what you'd call a dysfunctional family and i grew up thinking almost everything was normal, i would be very careful to not go and call out someone as narcissist because i noticed narcissistic qualities in myself in the past that i believe i grew into in relation to my upbringing, but when i went and did some "soul searching" i i realized that i am not my past experiences, my emotions, nor my narcissistic qualities that enabled me to make changes and so when i look at another person labeled narcissist its easy to empathize with them and think "ok so maybe that's why they are so hard to treat" while its good to not be quick to judge i found that its important to realize when those narcissistic qualities are not okay and when they are detrimental to both the person carrying them and when it affects you and your own well being as a whole.
being estranged from family isn’t necessarily a red flag. hello to fellow scapegoats 💙 tbh a red flag to me now, is someone who can’t empathise with survivors of abuse or those who have been scapegoated.
Agreed. I have had people tell me 'being estranged from their family is a HUGE red flag' not knowing that I stopped talking to my abusive mother and her flying monkeys more than 10 years ago. And for me, as for many of us, that decision saved my sanity and my Self and allowed me to grow and become a better person, friend, romantic partner, etc.
Enabling can be a red flag in itself. I have a dysfunctional family as well, and whenever I told others about it they either blew it off, took their side, or blamed me for it. When folks act that way, there’s no mistaken it. They’re bad news.
They sure are not I was SG and found a community of others on FB who are the same and many are estranged for many it's an act of self protection and self care, society wants us to believe that being estranged is wrong to keep up the status narcissistic quo, The Scapegoated Warrior Hearts is the group BTW.
I've always thought that there's no substitute for time in a relationship. Red flags or the lack of them tend to become apparent over time as a couple faces life's ups and downs together. So I no longer allow anyone to rush me into things. That in itself is a red flag.
Hi Dr Ramani. I heard someone share something the other day, and I'll never forget it. A nurse was introduced to a blind date. The first thing out of his mouth was OH WOW, A NURSE WITH A PURSE!!! GOODBYE!!! Red flags to me are GUT feelings. When I get a bad feeling in my gut about someone or something, I walk away. Not knowing how much my Fiancé makes per year is a red flag. Not planning a future with your Fiancé is a red flag. My gut feeling was going nuts during our relationship, but I Loved him. Our 5th and final year when I left him, ALL THOSE FEELINGS WENT AWAY. I feel so much better after being free 11 years.
Early in a relationship, I will refer to things as "orange flags" that alarm me or raise an eyebrow. They're not immediate deal breakers, but I need to keep this person at arm's length and keep an eye out for more of these flags,. And the reason I don't jump to conclusions is because even healthy people can sometimes have picked up dysfunctional behaviours along the way, and not even realize they are dysfunctional, or come from a very different intention/motivation. For example, an autistic person who becomes non-verbal isn't giving you the silent treatment, they're just overwhelmed. Also, sometimes we can see a red flag where there isn't one. I got to the age of 42 before I entered a situation where I was being praised, recognized, and valued for my efforts and contributions. I couldn't tell if this was what it feels like to be recognized and valued, or love bombing. But one thing I DO know is that when it comes to abusive relationships, retaliation is IMMEDIATE and OBVIOUS. And when you see orange flags and they start to add up, pretty soon it's easy to see they are actually red flags and you need to start planning an exit strategy, because it's a matter of time before you see a blatant red flag. And by then, you might be feeling far more stuck or obligated than you were in the beginning.
Red flags are red , & encoded in my memory, the price is way too high for me personally to view experiences with toxic behaviour as any other shade/hue !
I see your point with healthy people potentially picking up dysfunctional behaviours and thus giving you the concept of orange flags. However, I feel that this is a risky game to play. The person could potentially be a good person but there's also the risk that they are not. You giving them that benefit of the doubt with the orange flags could give them room to put up a mask of being a good person and later on take it off when you're attached to them. Be careful with the orange flags concept. Of course you have to take risks on people to find the good ones but be a bit careful with orange flags is my take. I've learnt the hard way.
@@MM-nl3ff There are red flags that are strong enough to end it immediately, but collecting orange flags is waiting to see if something is isolated or a larger pattern. I do a quarantine period and it doesn't take long to see a cluster from my experience. I come in examining them, so it is easy to quarantine beforegiving or accepting further investment in emotions, time and energy. One thing about lovebombers, they seem unable to move slowly with seriousness of a connection and unwarrented investment no matter how much you try to set boundaries, they find a way to try and push for more closeness and way too much Investment than is natural for the time you have known them in some way. Not accepting boundaries amazingly shows them quickly as well as idealization. I just give people this quarantine period before I consider further investment. I just Sussed out two lovenombers within a few weeks of meeting them recently and then ended both. I didn't get rid of them at the first sign of possible loivebombing,but it didn't take long before a cluster of sufficient evidence presented itself and I could comfortably know they were not good to get involved with. Just think big Ed on 90 day fiance...push, push, push... they may say they are okay with boundaries, but what do they do? Do they get frustrated or angry when you take space or time you told them you you take from thr beginning?
I note your point ‘when it comes to abusive relationships retaliation is immediate and obvious. I kind of agree about retaliation for imagined slights or felt loss of control rings true. However, from my ex, the retaliation was covert, vindictive gaslighting and left me confused, wondering what had hit me. It wasn’t until I found these informative videos re narcissism that any of it made any sense, at the time I was simply bewildered. Now the more videos I see, the behaviour seems familiar, like scripted plays.
A red flag is a person who had deeply hurt you flip the script and say you're the one hurting them instead of apologizing and owning to their fault. A red flag is someone blaming you for something that made them upset without you having a clue what you have done. A red flag is someone so sweet at you at the start of the relationship and became 200 percent the opposite after you've called their shit out. A red flag is a behavior that keeps happening over and over again. A red flag is a person who, after benefiting from you, becomes a monster after you give them a favor and just forget that they owe you something in the first place.. These are red flags because no kind person does this. Kind people are mindful.
Exactly! I had a narc friend many years ago who appeared like 2 different people. Jekyll & Hyde. Sweet at first and then if they needed a favor from you and couldn't/wouldn't do it, they would turn on you. But they made their public persona look so sweet and helpful. They were only doing those things to look good. They were secretly a very angry person but portrayed a completely different version of themselves to the public.
I love the information Dr. Ramani provides, but I love her charisma too!!! “Whatever the hell the right labels are? Hell if I know” is a whole vibe 😂🤣💕 Sameeee
Difference of opinion is healthy in functional relationships, conflicts of *character/core values* are however, in my opinion, something deserving a red flag. I would go so far as to say that most trauma responses shouldn't be seen as red flags in isolation, however; "People who are trapped in a reactive cycle post-trauma and choose to ignore the problem", "People without will to change", "People who have endless excuses/absention from accountability" and, "People who think others are responsible for their actions and reactions" are all, in my opinion, displaying their immaturity and respective red flags for the world to see.
I think it's really important you make more videos like this. Discussing mental disorders, varying personalities etc. that may be misinterpreted as narcissism. It's become so quick in today's society for people to label others with poor interpersonal skills and character defaults, showing a select few of the traits, as narcissists. It's worrisome how harmful giving this label can be within the relationships in our lives when it's not the case. Giving my own personal example, several years ago I got into what ended up being a few year long fruitful relationship. Through out the course of those years this guy showed a lot of inconsiderate, selfish behaviors, especially in the way he spoke down to me often. We were always able to talk things through afterwards and him apologize for the way he acted, but we continued running into that problem of him doing something universally considered inconsiderate or rude. After a certain point I began researching into his character traits online. And quickly they fell into the category of narcissism. Come to find out later in our relationship that he ended up receiving diagnosis of aspergers syndrome. The more I researched into aspergers syndrome the more I came to discover the decent portion of overlap there is between the two.
I'm divorced 21 years and not remarried. I'm being red flagged by women when asked about my history. Not fair! I have bigger and better red flags than that.
Healing comes in stages. When one is first breaking free it's difficult to recognize what is a red flag and what isn't. Also a person will need validation of what they have gone through and most will need to express their pain to a sympathetic ear. Someone who has broken the cycle and gotten over it will no longer need that validation or sympathetic ear and recognizes the real red flags. I always called them pot holes. I learned to avoid the pot holes by walking around them. Putting a label on these things helps people who have trouble articulating the trauma they have gone through. I think this is a very helpful and useful thing that Dr. Ramani has created. I know some people will complain that they will eventually become cliches, but cliches have served people for centuries, They last because they are true. Insincere people will eventually use these cliches, but I believe it's a small price to pay for the large number of victims it helps. One real sign of healing is the ability to politely and diplomatically draw fair boundaries without guilt, regret or fear. "No" can become the most powerful word in your vocabulary. Signed an ex scapegoat who is now a much happier wise old goat
I know something is "off" with someone else when I start to feel upset/angry and most particularly ruminate about them. Our neighbors are entitled f-wits, and I have completely backed off which they can't stand. She copies everything she has seen in my house, including the external paint colour....and so it goes on. Basically, if my energy level drops because of someone I'm gone.
Assertiveness is not aggression. Confronting is not confrontational. Aggression and confrontational are red flags. But sometimes confronting or asserting is uncomfortable depending on the topic. Finding your voice is such a good thing. But sometimes people find it intimidating.
I hear dat! When someone doesn't know me, my smile seems aggressive to them, not sure why, they get defensive when I ask for more details to better change. I've had seizures and tell people it's probably nerve damage from when I fell on my face multiple times, but also because of the seizures. I shouldn't have to indicate I had an accident for the other person to not be a closeminded jerk and that is the reason I almost lost my job. My side of the story wasn't listened to at all because the complaint came from a "third party", which was in fact that persons' friend, so to management, they MUST be telling the truth. Even though I gave them no reason to think of me as a liar. I've also been called "difficult" and "argumentative", and this were descriptors during my training. I wasn't argumentative, I was asking questions, and my hearing impairment and ignorance of the job must annoy people, but ffs, apparently they needed me to play dumb, smile and not absorb anything to make someone feel useful? I still don't know any of those persons' real issue was with me, and I will never know, but it's a very strong chance because they're petty, pathetic, threatened by me when I am no threat, etc, and when this happens on repeat and I am forced to keep starting over in a different place, it's gross and it shouldn't be a mystery that it increases my suicidal thought activity with depression. I've been trying to confirm borderline personality disorder and being on the autism spectrum, but as an adult, and in my town, it's difficult to do. I didn't want to move back home, too many bad memories and jerks still around. I hate hearing "compliments" that aren't compliments, just indication of attraction. It turns my stomach due to the amount of sexual abuse I've been through. I don't feel attracted to anyone, because I need friends I can rely on to not abandon me if I have problems I need to talk about, so friends are a higher priority than a romantic relationship. I've felt attraction in the past, but can't tell because of normalization, the roles a girl has to play as they grow up, or if I was a regular hetero person before the sexual assault became more common, and not with the same person consecutively. Sorry, this got away from me.
I prefer avoiding. I think some people just don't know how to be confrontational, and it is not necessary. The energy spent on confrontation is perhaps more exhausting. if it deeply involves more serious issues. Law is better than confrontation. Maybe law gives you the way out of a situation. Law gives you a chance to think about what issue is really involved.
@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 if you never confront an issue it never gets solved, it grows bigger or it blows up in a passive aggressive nightmare. For example:. Did you write a check? I showed we had xyz amount of money and the bank sent me an overdraft notice. So most people would just be oh dang, I forget to tell you again so you could balance the checkbook. However, some people accuse you of being confrontational, when someone is addressing an issue.
This is a struggle. I have had friends claim things are red flags. They might be for them, but not for me. I also do wait to see how the person behaves after hoisting a red flag. If I tell them I didn't like something, their response is everything. I'm a roadracer (motorcycle) and it's extremely difficult for men to embrace. They're initially drawn to me because it's cool and interesting and then once they're in my life they wind up hating it. It's intimidating. I do not think it's a red flag if they're honest and walk away. I do take issue with them if they accuse me of surrounding myself with men for attention, accusing me of impropriety when I never ever give cause for, etc.
Somewhat same, I'm a very handy and crafty person, first men love it and flock towards me and then I'm suddenly brandmarked as attention seeker or they ridicule my knowledge.
@@chubbydinosaur9148 many people are insecure and deep down feel quite intimidated by every other person - male or female - that knows things they don't, and/or have special skills in something that they don't, especially if you're succesful with that....And a lot of times, in my experience, they don't even possess the level of maturity to be self-aware about it, so that they can work through it, build themselves up to not feel that way anymore - to never ever ridicule you again for just being you, with all your skills and knowledge. A mature, self-aware person will never ridicule you for having great knowledge in something. They will be humble and appreciating having met someone like you, and happy to be with someone who isn't afraid to be themselves and love themselves......Now, granted, that sort of people who are being that mature and truly strong, are hard to come by.....
Subtle signs??? Years ago I went to a church conference with a female friend from church. During a break my friend went to get something to drink. While she was gone a woman approached me and asked if I had a pocket knife she could borrow. I said sure. She smiled and said that she figured I did because of the way I was dressed, and none of the other men there that she asked had one. We both chuckled about it. When my friend came back I told her about the incident thinking she would get a chuckle out of it too. Instead, she accused me of being paranoid and arrogant at the same time. I asked her why she thought that. She said I was being paranoid because I thought the woman was stereotyping me, and arrogant because she singled me out from all the other men to approach. (She thought I was bragging that the woman had been flirting with me.) I was puzzled at this explanation and asked her, "How am I paranoid when she (the other woman) was the one who said she figured I would have a pocket knife because of the way I was dressed? I didn't make that up. She said it. And, how am I arrogant just because she singled me out? She said she did." My friend then mumbled, "Well, I don't know. That's just the way I see it." A day later when we were leaving the conference she was mad at me about something. I didn't know what, but she snapped at me when we were getting in the car and I asked her where she got her bottle of water. She said, "I told you last night." I said, "You did? OK. What did you tell me? I don't remember?" She snapped, "I called you and told you the hotel had a place where you could get free water from one of those large water bottle stands." I replied, "Oh, ok. So you used an old bottle and filled it up?" She responded, "Yes." Later after we got back from the conference we were on the phone and she was still mad at me. When I tried to question her about what she was mad at me about, all she would say was that it was "it's just the flesh, as my friend used to say," and then told a story about a guy she had known where she had worked and been attracted to but didn't want it to go beyond the "flesh." She then wanted to know why I invited her to the conference if I wasn't interested in her? I was shocked, and realized that she had expected sex, and when that didn't happen by the time we left she was mad. I tried soothing her hurt feelings and talking about the proper way for our friendship to progress, but she wasn't interested in a relationship, just a fling. By then I had seen enough red flags with her mixed messages (being a Christian widow wanting a one night stand), her temper, and her readiness to assume the worst about me in the first incident above. I tried to stay friends with her but she was always changing her mind, kind of fickle, in the way she would flirt with me and then try to find a way to insult me, as well as a way of twisting things and getting mad at me because I wouldn't go any further with her. I didn't trust her and certainly wasn't going to put myself in a compromising situation with someone that I knew would throw me under the bus to escape any responsibility. That seemed to be the whole point of finding things she could accuse me of. I would eventually be the scapegoat and she would villify me to escape any blame. It seems I have always been a bit naivé about the sneaky sexual behavior of some people, and often in the dark about the coded way they communicate their intentions. But, there are subtle signs to watch for if you want to avoid being caught in a toxic sexual relationship with a narcissist or BPD. And, if you want to provoke them into revealing themselves, play "dumb" and ask questions. It seems to frustrate them when you don't chase them or don't take the hint and get careless. They are deficient on empathy, and use criticism to manipulate you into performative behaviors for approval. As if they are your parent, supervisor, or authority figure. If you are "confused" by the COVERT "hints" and ask questions they will throw more covert hints out, but try to keep from being explicit because that would expose them and make them vulnerable to rejection. They need to believe they are in control, and you are obedient, but in such a way that they can't be blamed. The story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife is a biblical example.
If you wanted a drama queen you could have bought tickets to the opera. People like this are good for one activity only: Run like your butt is on fire while concurrently getting your aerobic exercise.
I feel this whole heartedly but unfortunately I gave in. You are wise. You certainly avoided a Potiphar’s wife which saves you from many consequences down the line.
@@MistyEry. I understand the feeling. Unfortunately, there are people who will use a person's beliefs to "future fake" them into a sexual relationship under the assumption that it will lead to something more permanent. I hope you have been able to leave the situation and move on. I hesitate to say too much on how they manipulate Christian beliefs in situations like this since it is a sore subject for some people. But, I do hope you find release and healing. 🙏 God bless you.
People who say that those that don’t have a good relationship with their parents/families are red flags to me because it shows a complete lack of empathy for what people may have endured in their earlier life. They also come across as avoidant and emotionally lazy. At this point it seems like too many of us have suffered childhood trauma, especially abuse.
Be wary though. My ex didn't talk to ANY of her family and her family didn't talk to her either. Not a sister, brother, cousin, uncle, mom, dad, aunt, grandma, nobody... She was completely alone and used "I have no family 😭😭😭" as an emotional weapon to lure people in. When I heard she didn't have any family, I felt sooooo bad for my ex. Soooo bad. I was like "omg, you poor thing. Don't worry I'll be your family." She then told me "My family is all nuts. Everyone in my fam is a bad person, so I stay away from the crazy drama." Well, 1 year later I found out why HER FAMILY doesn't talk to HER... SHE is the drama and chaos.
Relationships with parents can be quite complicated and it's something that a person may not wish to do a deep dive into when you are first getting to know them. You are right about people sometimes not being emotionally mature enough to see the root cause of their parents flaws. Sometimes a person can understand why their parents are so messed up, have empathy for them and still want to keep a distance from them.
I have horrible psycho Narc sisters and my father was one too so my avoidance of them and estrangement is not my fault or a red flag 🚩 on me! It’s not possible to be around borderlines who are drug and alcohol abusers, anorexia, silent treatments, physically abused their kids, starved their kids like themselves, mean and scary hate for others too! I am not like any of my siblings so that doesn’t make me a red flag. I didn’t speak to my father for his last 7 years after a disturbing insult so it’s not a red flag about me! Okay?? Maybe rethink that false perception.
Thank you Dr Ramani! I was married and divorced five times before I became aware that I was an active codependent. I've been working on healing for the past ten years. I even created a self help tool after finding myself in another relationship with a narcissist. I realized that I still was not prioritizing myself when I overlooked the red flags. Now I am able to see and walk away from toxic people.
Being very introverted is not a red flag. My hubby is very introverted. It took me years to see that he really does care about us, by doing things like making sure that our house is well cared for. When he gets overwhelmed he'll hide in his home office.
Another red flag is back handed compliments...talking to them makes you feel like you're not sure if thats an insult or a compliment..they might say sth like ..." I'm so proud of you for doing well because you've always been an idiot" or that outfit looks OK on you sometimes you look hideous " and gaslighting on memories they tell you they rmb sth and try to convince you that their version is true and you have bad memories . They always make you question yourself about stuff that was said or done.another is instantly making an exscuse for something instead of owning up to it.they get mad at you when you can't give them time and attention because you have other things to do...they tell you they wish you didnt have kids so you can talk to them without noises in the background. Then they tell you how dumb you are for having kids and how it stole away your life and freedom and how wonderful their life is because they don't have kids etc sorry I'm ranting lol 😅😅😅🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️💆🏻♀️💆🏻♀️
Red flags can also feel nice if you don't realize they are way too much and might be lovebombing bait. . . Saying I love you right away, saying it's meant to be, wanting plan a future with you when you just met, wanting to spend inordinant amounts of time or money on you, getting frustrated when you don't have time (and not thinking about your needs, even though they are "over atrentive) in some ways.) telling other people you are in a relationship before you are, saying they will respect your desire ro move slow, but finding ways to ignore those boundaries in somw way. Saying I was just too good to my fiance so she wanted to break up. . . I attract these people or something, but I throw the fish back pretty fast, not at the first red flag, but when I see a cluster.
Being forgetful, such as being late and not calling, or forgetting a coffee date. It would depend on whether they acknowledge and apologise as to whether I would think it was a red flag.
I'm learning to trust that gut feeling or as I say, listen to the little voice inside my head. For so many years I ignored it and now realize it would have helped me make better decisions. The red flags were there, I chose to ignore them. Not any more.
Dear Dr. Ramani, have you written a children's book on narcissism? If not, i hope you do. The knowledge you share in your channel is so valuable in helping arm children against being emotionally abused as they grow up.
I’ve been accused of being a narcissist because I expect acknowledgment when I send gifts to the grandkids and other family members. It’s not always a red flag to seek validation in this way.
What you said 5:40 - 6:00 They may have been divorced several times, but watch when they say things like "Everyone that divorced me was a problem". They also might say other people they've lived with have problems. That's something my narcissistic stepmom has said: A good chunk of past people she's lived with were problems. I totally get why they were problems to her, BECAUSE OF HER.
I totally understand what you mean, and I agree with you. Sometimes the one person is to blame for most things, and sometimes not. I am going through my third divorce right now. I know I have my flaws and I am not perfect. But I also know WHY I am getting divorced, but that is a story for another time 😊
Or she left because I top old to her... real mice guy statement, and if you ever listened tp reddit nice guy videos, you learn these guys have narcissistic traits to a frightening degree......
@@kristinl.b9741 Good luck on getting out. Don't say anything to people that could tell the narcissist. My stepmom is a whole other level of narcissism. Right now she's fucking stomping around the house over something really stupid my niece did. 😂 Been stuck with her, my dad and niece for 4 years now. So ready to get out. All 3 narcissistically abuse me, but my stepmom is by far the worst. She's a malignant narcissist. My dad easily manipulated me into coming here because my mom was close to dying and I hadn't seen him in 7 years and I was only 18. When I first came up, my sister was here and her and my dad got in a heated argument outside, he was pushing and spitting on her like a little bitch. I was inside crying. My stepmom told me "I'm not an evil stepmom" while I was crying and so I knew she instigated that fight between my dad and sister. This was a week after I of being here. I should have went back to my mom then, damn they love bombed me. I never liked my stepmom but I stayed to try to establish a relationship with my dad to zero avail. He changed the day after my mom died. Such a sad excuse of a father. None of his kids even like him.
One not-red flag I want to point out here is this: not making eye contact. Not making eye contact can be something a person does when they are autistic, or blind, or even if they're just shy. Or their culture says it's rude to make eye contact with strangers. It does NOT always indicate that a person is dishonest, shifty, or the like (and habitual liars often make good eye contact anyway, so narcissists have that one covered, as a rule, they're more likely to make eye contact than many other groups of people who aren't necessarily guilty of anything). Another not-red-flag in a similar vein is this - not modulating one's voice. Due to cultural, disability, or other reasons, sometimes people will speak louder or more quietly than you might expect. There can be issues with that, but, particularly if the person does not have a habit of going from zero to screaming in two seconds flat, mismatch in voice volume does not necessarily indicate the person is narcissistic (it can be a personal dealbreaker for some, yes, but this does not mean the person is narcissistic). Nor does a certain cultural speech pattern* called the overlap-interrupt (also not a red flag) - this is a form of interruption that isn't really intended to cut off the conversation or even the other speaker, it's more like a rhythm in which people speak (in which the interrupter is often supplementing what the other person has to say and mostly just trying to keep up a certain conversational rhythm, though it can take some doing to figure that one out). If a partner is doing this overlap-interrupt, and it bothers you, of course you want to address than and ask them to wait for you to finish talking, and try not to do the overlap-interrupt thing when talking to you specifically (at least as long as it bothers you). In other words, you kind of approach that similarly to normal interruption, but giving a little more benefit of the doubt (not that you need to keep it if they won't respect your need for them to wait for you to finish, especially if they fail to respect this need when they are calm or if there are never any moments calm enough for them to do so). *that one is particularly common in folks with Ashkenazi Jewish backgrounds, though not all know that their background is Ashkenazi and some may not even know their background is Jewish if their parents never told them or were never told by THEIR parents.
While I definitely don't have that background, I've always done that interrupt thing and at this point even my kids will rip into me for it. My husband would even shame me for it in front of the kids teachers and mental health team! And tbh, until I read this I thought it was me being rude, even though I never meant to be and more than half the time I honestly thought they were finished speaking. Holy shit my therapist is right, he's got the kids shaming me!
@@aprildawnsunshine4326 Even if you don't have that background, it doesn't mean that there weren't people in your family who knew folks with that background and picked it up there. And even if it wasn't, sometimes people from one culture naturally click with the sensibilities of another. And it's not okay to shame people no matter who certain patterns were picked up from. Whether it was their culture or someone else's. Or simply someone having sensibilities compatible with a culture different from their own. That happens too - as a personal example, none of us in our family are black, but both my mom and dad have done certain subtle things that are more common in black families than white ones, and one of my dad's parenting practices was even something I didn't fully make sense of until I saw it articulated in Simone Biles' autobiography (which got the point of this practice better than parenting books generally do, it's something parenting books usually condemn, but in this case out of misunderstanding). And a non-personal example of someone picking up the sensibilities of a culture they're not from is the anime Cells at Work, which has a rather Jewish feel but whose producers were most assuredly not Jewish, because if they were they would have known "Get lost" was a real expression and used it as a gag because that's too good a gag to pass up in the context of the story (where the protagonist is a red blood cell who starts out getting lost all the time, never gets flustered, and the idea of her losing her sh**t and saying "Get lost" is just too funny not to do in this already silly anime - unless you didn't know that was a real thing, which the producers clearly didn't).
@@lsmmoore1 lol maybe it's all the stand-up comedy I've always been obsessed with that up till the last decade has skewed that direction pretty heavily. Not that Lewis black isn't amazing but so is vir das for example
You are right..the somatic yuck feelings are important to listen into. Also the whole 'doesn't know how to pronounce a wine label properly b/c they don't know as much' , ya that is my snotty family who would turn and laugh at the person or mock them later. It's nasty & it's not like they know EVERYTHING out there either...yet have no problem mocking others who can't afford it or 'aren't of their class' yet they came from nothing. It always made my own mother's mother sad..and she expressed it when I was 12yrs old. I wish I listened harder in the sense to detach away from their manipulations 'keeping up with the Jones's'.
Thank you Dr.Ramani you are so awesome!! I wish I could afford to lay on your couch. My head and heart are pretty jacked up. Yet, I am still alive and I’ll just keep watching and sharing your videos everyday. 💞 M.
I believe you have mentioned the death stare but that was a big one for me with a narcissist I met this year. Then they of course showed other signs after that.
Interesting you say this. The stare is also a cultural thing. Moms in some cultures communicate with their children with the death stare, to tell them to knock off a behavior and draw a boundary. My family used the death stare with one another. As a quiet child I often got bullies to leave me alone by giving them the death stare. It wasn’t until I met someone in junior high who hesitated at the stare and then told me the stare made him feel crazy, did I question it. After that, I used it less. I don’t use it to this day. But, if someone is really over stepping my boundary and I’ve already drawn it, I will let my expression do what it does, which is typically a look 🤨 and then I leave. Before that guy, because the people in my culture understand that look, I thought the stare was effective communication. Perhaps it is to be used only in extreme cases of bullying and not for general communication.
what aren't red flags? Negating who a person is, devaluing, being discarded as trash, making others consider self-worth or autonomy, and making others extremely defensive. If one can rise above all of that, you're alive for a purpose.
Cheryl I like what you said. Week in week out I was told how beautiful a woman was on TV "how soft". As we all know there was nothing I could say because then I was the problem. I knew the game, so didn't respond. Afterall that's what he wanted wasn't it. But after him cheating again, twising and then saying he'll forgive me well time to move out. 25 yrs married, 3 months on my own and I cannot get over the peace I feel. Learning on this channel is fantastic- I'm not crazy afterall and the weird thing is I'm actually happier than I've been in years. Blessings to you Cheryl.
The biggest take away I've learned from surviving being in tangled in narcissistic drama is this: Don't judge people based upon what other people tell you, by all means take it as a warning, but judge people based on your interactions with them.
Being chronically ill and/or disabled is not a red flag. I've heard many people from my partners (7 years, unmarried) side saying all kinds of horrible things about me(gold digger, etc) and encouraged him to break up with me. I was on my death bed, had multiple surgeries, and a long hard recovery. That's what happens when women are dismissed by everyone until it's too late. Went almost 3 decades without 2 undiagnosed major illnesses that almost cost me my life. But here I am successful in my attempts to achieve better health and keep myself alive and thriving. Wish I could cut those people out completely and I will walk away eventually if it doesn't improve or if I'm not being supported by my partner. It's an unfair situation for him and I hope he's finally realizing how toxic they truly are as people. I'm just under 6 feet tall(taller than him by a little), college educated, and beautiful inside and out. (or as many tell me "wasted model material" ) Small people do not like powerful women who do not bend to their whims. Thank you for everything Dr. Ramani!
That’s really sad. I wish you well and great people to have around. An old friend of mine had life changing surgery and was close to dying. Her boyfriends dad sat him down and told him to not abandon her at this time, that this was the moment she’d need him the most. He was with her as support the whole time, and they continued to have a beautiful and loving/cherishing relationship after the surgery which altered her life afterwards. I wish you someone who cherishes you in this way, and I wish it for myself too. I went through a harrowing breakup while deathly ill too and he used my illness as a means against me. He had friends visit, and I was ill and wasn’t able to be a host. He berated me after saying that his friend probably felt slighted. Nowhere in there was concern for my wellness. Not to mention I had made soup for him, exhibited gentleness during his illness and cared for him not long before my illness came to a head. It’s hard to deal with situations like that in an important time of your life. May we connect with those who truly cherish us from the inside out and enjoy lasting, steady love. 😊
I think a red flag is anyone who lacks empathy for others and isn't ashamed or aware of it. For example, years ago a child was mauled by a dog and kid you not the narc in my life said "good thats what the kid gets for messing with the poor dog". Their worry was for the dog and could care less about the child and even laughed when they showed a pic of the toddler with stitches all over it face. To me anyone who laughs at someone else's suffering is a big red flag.
After watching this episode, I am more confident in my decision to go no contact with my ex-friend. He is so charming, but multi-divorced. He kept violating my boundaries after the second divorce, so I believe he didn't learn anything from the past. I cut off contact with him and his friends without any explanation.
Good for you! If they try to get back into your life or bad mouth you, just ignore them, don't take the bait or you could end up in more drama. Stay strong. ❤
It should be noted that some narcissists will ask a whole lot of questions about you, and feign interest initially. Over time you realize that it's something they do with almost everyone they encounter, and the whole thing starts to sound disingenuous, even robotic. They don't really care but want to win people over and come across as thoughtful, generous, and selfless...the polar opposite of what they really are.
Love you doc 🚩Mine sweeping 🚩 In a new relationship when love is so blinding . You can lose it all with a roll of the dice 🎲🎲 Snake eyes staring back at you It is dead eyes staring back at you they Give me chills ...and I still love her!
Good Morning Dr. R. I really appreciate your videos, all of them. I am so grateful that I stumbled upon them, it was most likely divine intervention. It just amazes me that I could allow my narcissistic relationship to get me to a point where I literally was believing that I was 100% of the problem. For years (almost 4) I did nothing but adjust and change until it got to the point of me swallowing everything because my partner was unwilling to look at herself or change even in the slightest. I really believed that I was messed up beyond repair even though I have been working with a therapist every two weeks for over two years, crazy! I also am happy that I learned of the gender bias related to narcissism. I never would have consider for a second that a woman could be the narcissist. I have been called a narcissist twice in my life and I am 56 years old. Having this new found information it has become so clear to me that those two people who labeled me narcissist were the narcissists themselves. I think that second marriage and my exposure to this disorder has made the red flags way more apparent as I go. Thanks again.
Devalued - looks, intellect, past trauma, creativity, faith, family. Spoke up but made out as picking a fight. They'd self harm and threaten suicide. Years of abuse to now being discarded as trash while they live a great life with zero consequences.. slowly healing, thank you Dr Ramani ❤️
Their life is not great its all an illusion. What kind of happy person does those things. They don't love anyone they are literally not capable of it. Live strong 💪❤️
In my early years, there was much chaos, confusion, impatience and rushing. My parents operated upside down and so my judgement was eroded and my boundaries were weakened on a daily basis. Red flag behaviours was normalized in our household. It was not safe to trust my instincts and so I learned not to. Now, as I am on my healing journey, I am befriending my gut, my feelings, my thoughts, and intuition and slowing down. As my self-awareness grows, so does my discernment. Having clarity fills me with the light to see through darkness.
Private Jen: You learned not to trust your instincts. Your insight, observations, judgement, decisions, discernment, gut feeling. That's me as a teenager in my home. It's what gaslighting does to you.
Dr. Ramani is gracious enough to try to help us understand behaviors, signs, and give us tools to put into our tool belt. Thank you for the insight and recounting of your knowledge. Many of your videos and others have helped me end a 32 year night mare of a marriage. I am 7 months healing but feel like I have soooooo far to go. I don't know me anymore and to think about dating is more than a bit scary. I am trying to get the barometer set to a normal person again, this information and others like it help me to grow while understanding what to be aware of.
Don't worry about dating right now. It's clearly too soon for you. Take care of yourself and realize your WORTH so you can find YOU again. Best wishes to you!
I know all about narcissists having married and divorced four of them. Those men are in my past, I'm no longer vulnerable. Being alone for the last twenty years has allowed my heart to heal and my spirit to grow. You have helped me so much, Dr Ramani. It may look like a big red flag to those who don't know me. So be it. I'm free to be me now.
"Have you ever been married?" annoys the hell out of me. By what right does someone expect me to ACCOUNT for having or not having been married? That is what, "Have you ever been married?" is really asking. That topic is connected to SO MANY highly personal life issues and if you choose a short answer like NO, it just makes them more intrusive. Yes open another line of inquiry that I think most people would rather delay until much later in getting to know someone. The next question if I choose No is about women friends they've seen me with. Have THEY ever been married?? So the diverse and often complex lives of my friends are now his/her business too? Whether asked by male or female, the real question is about the assumption of sexual preference based on marital status. The correct question should be, "Am I interested in YOU?" "Am I interested in dating someone?" "Do we have any common interests?" 99.97% of people i meet don't even share enough interests with me to quality as friends and friends are all I want. Why should I spill my whole life history to them?
Many women, especially foreigners find it odd when they find I am still single, ask why I am not married or have a woman. As though it’s some requirement to show you’re accomplished.
I am very, very glad the “this is not…” series is being published. Dr Ramani spent years putting out videos and making money out of labelling everyone as a narcissist without identifying what is not narcissistic behaviours. Simply saying “red flag” because you disagree with someone or dislike them is narcissism. To see red flags everywhere is narcissism as you are not seeking to analyse behaviour. Simply because I disagree with you does not mean I am a narcissist.
These people's judgment in the comments are not be taken seriously anyway. Since they're not judges of character anyway. So you can't even take their advice. They don't know
100% agree. If your feelings are not respected- it can be so subtle. You want to write it off, because you want to have someone in your life. BUT it keeps happening. Tiny little barbs. Your gut knows..listen to yourself.
@@christinefrench3222 sometimes your gut is wrong if you’ve gone through lots of trauma. But you do pick up some clues as to whether a person’s narcissistic or not. Being on autistic spectrum helps a bit with noticing subtleties.
😂😂😂😂😂 that is a hilariously trivial thing to have such disdain for. Like a quote from a sitcom character. I love curly fries and am also very entertaining. Lol. Keep on eating curly fries.
Dr Rameni, I'd like you to do a video on being cancelled, but being cancelled very quietly and subtly, whereby one can't even determine whether they've truly been cancelled (but suspect so) because of a pattern of things that have happened.
I have had people tell me 'not getting along with their parents is a HUGE red flag'. It is NOT a red flag. Those people don't realize that I stopped talking to my own narcissistically abusive mother, enabling father, and her other flying monkeys more than 10 years ago. For me, that was a tremendously difficult decision but, despite what the above people have told me, 'not getting along with my parents' does NOT 'make me a terrible person.' To the contrary, separating from my toxic FOO has allowed me to grow and develop into a better person, a better friend, a better coworker, a better romantic partner, etc.
Agreed, some people might just be generational curse breakers. On the other hand, I've known several narcissists who were estranged from their families, and in each case they did not take any ownership or responsibility for themselves, but rather played the victim. They emphasized how it was everyone else's fault their families didn't want anything to do with them, with a plea for sympathy for how much they'd suffered. The "why" behind the estrangement is what I look for.
@@imnoel8214 absolutely. After I disconnected from my FOO about half of my many siblings eventually followed suit. So, at some level, my NM is estranged from her family because she is a narcissistic abuser. (same result, exact opposite reasons). I think, however, 'not getting along with one's family' rather being a red flag is more of the type of situation Dr. Ramani spoke about where people have been divorced many times. A factor to consider but one that depends on the reason that the person is in the situation instead of automatically a red flag.
@@gowiththeflow3791 This. I am sorry you had to go through that but am happy you are in a better place. I have noticed more and more memes about 'STOP telling people But ThEIr FaMiLy!' But, at the same time, while mainstream media is finally willing to address 'how to deal with a difficult parent on xyz holiday' it still seems unable to go to 'here's why it is OK to disconnect and not have to deal with their BS at all.'. Forums like this are that much more important because it allows those of us who, unfortunately, get it to have these discussions.
I agree. I was talking to a woman who was about 20 years my senior and had a daughter about 10 years younger than me and she made a comment about how I should try to get along better with my mom when I explained that we didn't really hang out much. I looked her right in the face and asked her, "Did you ever tell your daughter that you were going to to encourage her to die? Did you drag her out of bed and cut off all of her hair and then make her sit in a chair for several hours just so you could tell her what a horrible person she was? When your daughter was in college did you take a sense of pride in moving her in and out of the dorms and help her with her FAFSA applications or did you make her feel like a burden and told her she should just throw away her things and her clothes at the end of the semester and take the bus/train home because you didn't feel like driving two hours to pick her up and shred her w2s so she couldn't get financial aid and then tell her it was her fault because you felt abandoned when she left for college? No? Well then MYOB?"
Parents are more often than not the entire reason for these issues. Because they are the issue. When it’s experienced as a child every day every week every month every year every decade, your brain literally gets wired - neurons make connections to neurons, for you to think and see in ways regardless of anything, regardless of when the “stimulus or antagonist“ is even there anymore . This is how depression or dependency drugs alcohol etc. eventually plays a major role in people who had seriously damaged childhood that eventually led into a controlled young adulthood (by the parents ) and even adulthood. People don’t understand the amount of power and control a true narcissist or psychopath actually has. People who never experienced it don’t understand how someone in their 30s cannot have their life together and blame it on their parents - or are very reserved and talking about it because they know if they mention their parents it will look like they are pointing fingers instead of taking responsibility so then they don’t talk about it at all which compounds the issues … also compounding the issues is when their parents look like, and I emphasize look like - normal people. It looks like the fault of the child. And that’s not to say it always is the fault of the parent, sometimes it’s the other way around. For sure. But Parents are often the problem. And we live by a rhetoric of parents love their kids. Someone who did not experience it would not understand what being the result of a true psycho pathic parent would end up as. They think of the term “psychopath“ as the meaningless word that everyone throws around in our society. They don’t understand how one person will get singled out in a family - it could be the one who is most impressionable or it could be the strongest one Who will take it endlessly or it could be the one who makes the psychopath feel the most insecure. There’s many possibilities… you have no idea the depths of a psychopath and their ability to manipulate, it’s past anything conceivable to someone who grew up in a healthy home. We live by rhetoric of all parents love their kids etc. Which is 100% incorrect. Or circumstantial at best. Society living by rhetoric ideology is one of the biggest dangers and advantages to someone who is psychopathically disordered, also narcissistically disordered.
When we had our first child you would think great job honey… she is incredible…. Nope I got those Eyes stabbing me with a tone voice. You can never leave me now. After 21 hours of labor I was being put in my place yet again…..
Question: is narcissism such a popular topic right now that certain people almost have this internet cult of diagnosing others as narcissist whenever they don't like their behavior?
Yes. And it invalidates those who have REAL experience, life altering and permanent long term consequences from an NPD, or worse - a PPD. Its “the thing” to make out everyone to be a narcissist, when most people don’t have the slightest clue how complex it really is. “He/she wasn’t into me... they must have been a narcissist...” Its a sin how this gets exploited. As the proverb goes - if the wrong people use the right means, the right means work in the wrong way.
Definitely. Not just on the internet though. People are bringing it into face-to-face communication. It’s good to be educated, and recognize that traits don’t necessarily reflect that someone is a narcissist. But, it does teach us how to handle the odd behaviors that are out of pocket.
I think as you said. Your gut feeling. But unfortunately as so many people these days are really quite toxic, you can end up having to avoid an awful lot of people!
I have one grandparent that lived til 108 years. She was active, happy, ate very raw & natural & was Vegan. She was Vegetarian 🌱 in her younger years. I have another grandparent that was a Carnivore, ate a lot, suffered many ongoing health issues which affected the entire family & passed away at only age 52. Although lifestyle choices aren’t supposedly “red flags”, they do determine a lot. Infact, EVERYTHING. They determine how the person will smell, their sexual functions, mental functions/ potential, confidence in how they look & feel, the attraction you could potentially feel, the way their brain 🧠 is going to function, their energy levels, likelihood of enjoying an adventurous vacation, endurance, calmness of the brain, sleep patterns, longevity, the absence of ongoing diseases is kind of important too I would guess? The quality of life & the list goes on & on.. Hence, choosing a partner whose goals & choices are too different from yours could spell disaster in the long run. There are many wonderful people out there, but simply the absence of abuse is setting the mark too low in choosing a life partner. Love is also being able to look outward together. ❤️❤️🤙
@dr Ramani - my mother has some narcissistic traits examples as follows, are selective memory, question avoidance, lies, vague answers to direction questions, causes pain and denies responsibility then plays the victim , goes out of her way for strangers but not family when needed for emergency purposes, so water is thicker than blood in her world, quite judgemental and superficial, hides behind her husband which is the 2nd marriage and will defend him either wrong or right and always mentions to look at his good points and disregard his bad points , constantly in denial, she feels guilty about her mother not being there when she past away many years ago. She enjoys small talk and feels very uncomfortable with deep conversation / honest talk, if there is any dramas or family disagreement she avoids and runs away. Her current husband controls everything and she is happy to take the back seat. Any guidance or advice would be greatly appreciated. The family has broken down now for about 2 years and I’m not sure it’ll ever be fixed and I have a 2 year old child.
My narc sister actually told me one time, "I'm not a deep person" when I was trying to talk to her about something. If discussions on the phone got too real for her when I was trying to share something, she always ran away with, "I've gotta go. I'll call you back." But she never would. If the drama was all about her, that was different, of course. I was all ears for her, but she wasn't for me. We are permanently No Contact on my part after the last stunt she pulled that proved she doesn't care about anyone but herself (and her 5th husband). It was SO BAD that she's lost almost all of her seven siblings.
Alone, healing and getting my life back. I have had enough of flying monkeys, enablers and narcissism in the workplace. Red flags all over with poor management, burnout, deaf ears to plea for annual leave, being told as nurses you are expected to work unpaid over time, giving many staff AL leaving the team dangerously low and enabling abuse. I'm free from it all. I now am smarter and will be able to spot real red flags.
I was a licensed nurse for 28 years and worked in almost every field of nursing. For 28 years, there was ALWAYS a shortage because THEY created the 'shortage' by calling people 'off' if the patient census was low. I spent 28 years trying to figure out how to NOT be a nurse. It's such an abusive field with terrible working conditions.
I just recently went on a date with someone who raged about everything. The ice cream was the worst he ever had, the beer was too expensive, the food was awful, people drive like crazy, people walk too slow, I mean, it was a nightmare and at the end, he found one little thing about me and said, that's a big negative for him! 🤣
lucky you! he saw something in you that put up red flag in him that told him he wasn't going to be successful in running his game with you!!! you dodged a bullet right there...
@@phyllisbreese4289 Lol, yes, thank you. The red flag about me was that I said no alcohol at my house, and no yelling we are quite neighborhood. He then said I'm scared of my neighbors he had to whisper 🤣
I'm a perfectionist who is also honest about my flaws I think. I'm harder on myself than other people are, other people usually think I'm very competent or just don't notice. People that think they're perfect and are definitely not worry me more.
Substance Abuse is a “Red Flag” as well.. especially if you are clean & place importance into healthy living- Alcoholism can be a huuuuuuge “Red Flag” if you are not willing to go down that road. An alcoholic partner can poison every aspect of your life if you are unable to help them.
Hi Dr. Ramani, I’m not certain if you have a particular system for coming up with videos. Would you consider doing a video on enmeshment in families with narc tendencies? Additionally, while I have your attention: THANK YOU so much for your videos and I wish the best for you. You assist us all in cleaning up mental messes from narc experiences and are a major blessing to me, and I’m sure countless others. I hope you’re enjoying a beautiful day.
Sorry about a few of my comments a few months ago. I was impatient about getting a reply from you and wanted someone I can trust to validate my experience. But I've been thinking and keep getting this gnawing feeling that I was inconsiderate and selfish in my pursuit of it. I've been wanting to apologize but didn't have the courage to. Thank you for everything and I sincerely apologize for asking when I'll get the reply even though I understand, you're a busy person and there are a million people like me here itself that are going thru their version of hell I'm going thru. I will not take more space or time, I'd like to end this on a good note and let you know I'm here, I am sincerely sorry for being a pain in the comments (lol) and a slow learner. Sorry for writing long letters when I comment, I am not a 'commentor', so to say, I like to keep my opinions to myself. I write as if I'm talking to a person so it becomes easy to I guess. Well! See I am still over-explaining even though I know I shouldn't, but truly i am not sure how much to say or not. xx so sorry about trailing away Thank you for everything really, just a very very big thank you. Also, ouch all this is very painful and trivial but thank you for trying to not sugarcoat it, I'd rather it comes at me straight tbh, my mind doesn't work anyways, anymore. And A warm blanket of good thoughts and feelings; love to your cat/s and everyone that you love in your life. You're an inspiration, a guide and just fkn awesome! Thank you for doing this! There are no words to explain to you what you've done. What you've unblinded me to, it was always right there and i never saw it. It's like you've given me the book, you see! The one that shouldn't be opened and no one would let you near because everyone from generations thinks it's gods', but it's the devil's playbook. I can't explain it better tbh, I grew up in a religious household but one that was selectively religious not so much the divine but the punishing one and so on..... Well! So much for ending it on a good note lol But yeah, it's a good note that now I'm not scared of what I've always been scared of because I'm going thru it, all my life have and was absolutely absofuckinlutely blind to it and followed the damned rules tried everything but nothing worked. Nothing made sense. Now it does, not all but some and that's the most freeing thing (also the scariest thing cause that's all I knew/known for the past 27 years now) but it's freeing to know what it is. Thank you so much 🙌❤️
I appreciate that you post topics outlining what is NOT narcissism. Pairing your content with Dr. Todd Grande gives good guidance on curbing the overwhelming stance that the entire world is narcissistic. While traits abound in this world of rebuilding, if we hold strong and heal our coping abilities we can overcome the hardships of bad social habits. I had some success encouraging others to talk w professionals by saying that when I went to counseling I discovered some of my "social bad habits". That phrase includes me in citing some problems and had a much better result as far as getting a few family members to slow down and think with me about how to solve some issues making us uncomfortable. There are some exmilitary and currently enlisted family members running high on duty and false senses of duty. Being old school bullies. And it's clearly the culture of the services! Especially the marines. We had to tell them "WE ARE CIVILIANS! THE ONLY WAR HERE IS IN YOUR HEAD! GET HELP!!! Not going to tolerate a drill sergent raising voice under my roof. Take that back to the barracks boys. This is mom's house!
I had a close friend that used to be my ex wife, known each other for 25 years with the last 9 years being friends. I considered her at this point my closest and only friend. She told me with one days notice that she had met someone and on the same day stopped responding to all my emails. As if I was nothing and never mattered. I must admit I got pretty mad about the whole thing and I even admit I created a website so when her name is searched all the things I wanted her to read would appear. I then finished that and after reading stuff on attachment types and knowing the history of her childhood where she was forced to fend for herself, I initially thought that she behaved very much like a narcissist however it just did not fit because she is actually a very kind and thoughtful person. Just the way she did not tell me for a year and then gave me a days notice before ghosting seemed very harsh. She is most definitiely the dismissive avoidant type & ticks every box at the extreme end. I then thought well if I believe these & I know about her childhood stuff which apparently is what causes this type then how can I hold her responsible for doing something that is within her nature. I also read all the stuff I wrote and I just remember thinking what sort of loser would do this so I removed it all & just left a brief note saying I wish she had have done things differently and let me exit gracefully. Still painful but I am sure it will get easier.
Is it not also red flags when you adress needs and boundaries (via letters cause bringing it up face to face got too difficult and dramatic) and it is not responded or commented on. ....simply just ignored? Is it red flags that you never get praised or acknowledged for things you have done to surprise and make him happy? In my relationship I think the red flags or narcissistic traits were more the things not said and not done....not meeting my feelings, not showing interest in my day or life, not wanting or taking initiatives to physical contact (hugs, cuddeling, kissing) not doing anything to make me feel important, loved or cared for...when we had discussions and he got upset he would say that he felt disgusted with me...things like that....(and he never apologised) but it was much more the things NOT said and done that made me feel devalued and not good enough.
I think a lot of Mike from 90 day fiance... he wouldn't give his fiance a drawer unt she begged him and didn't want to, was super passive agreasive, vindictive ans cruel and lacking empathy ... his dismissiveness to her needs from her arrival were so mean-spirited ans intentional and thrn he payed victim... this type of not meeting needs definitely is.
My Grandfather Said Beating His Wife With Severe Dementia (Long After She Apologized And Was Crying On The Floor) To Teach Her A Lesson Was A Difference Of Opinion And So Did My Mother.
I feel like we as a society have become too judgemental. I see it in myself sometimes and it's not something I like. I'd like to work on assuming the best from people and allow them to prove me wrong, instead of looking for red flags..thank you, Dr. Ramani
another non-red flag: not being on social media. some of the women in a support group i went to said that not having social media is a red flag. funny because i deleted all my social media accounts to preserve my mental health while going through post-abuse trauma. some of us are truly empathic people who cannot stand the rampant narcissism on socials. meanwhile, every narcissist on social media claims to be an empath. real empaths would not be on social media at this point.
Lol not being on social media, is not a red flag. I would even argue that it’s healthier. Social media has bred or exposed narcissism if anything. Unless they are referring to not being able to find any info on you to indicate wether you are a narcissist or not but they’re not entitled to your personal information. You also don’t need social media to use intuition on people.
@@MistyEry I couldn't agree more. Not being on social media is the exact opposite of a Red Flag.
Being on social media too much, may be a red flag. But not having it is almost a green light. Haven’t had social media in years, and good for you if you don’t either. Not all social media people are toxic, but social media is rather toxic in itself, in many ways.
Non-red for sure... Some narcissists thrive off of social media and any mass following . My ex was envious of colleagues with the blue checkmark. Finally got it and became even more entitled and self absorbed. I only started a social account media after being discarded - to connect with others. I never used social media before. I'm not a narc:)
Let’s not confuse Confidence with Narcissism.
Loving oneself is not the same as harming others.
If others are threatened, then it’s upto them whether they choose to heal that within them, or not.
Many people conduct businesses, promote health education, share happy moments, & love sharing selfies especially if they put discipline & hard work & efforts into themselves.
None of the above makes one a “narcissist”.
I know many people that post their stuff daily, but simply don’t have the time to watch everyone else’s shit. Perhaps make time to checkup on the the few important people in their lives.
I feel it’s unhealthy to judge others based on limited information.
Some love social media, while others may feel insecure, or overwhelmed. It’s a preference.
I feel like someone either having abusive family members or very little family at all because they've had to cut people out is often seen as a 'red flag' by uneducated people, and that really frustrates me. My family history isn't my problem and it doesn't make me a bad person. I hate this "well, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree" kind of mindset.
I feel the same way. It's such a big problem that makes it difficult for survivors to form close relationships and social circles. I myself have experienced this discrimination.
I agree. In the past, I have had trouble forming friendships and relationships with others because I revealed I was not close to my family, or I revealed traumatic experiences I had with my family. Because of that, I mostly just hang out by myself and I enjoy it.
I hate that the most. That sort of ignorance makes me not want to confide in anyone.
Excellently said
'Luckily' my father died when I was young, my mother lives far away, and my gran has dementia and finally went to a care facility a few months ago. I finally feel like I can start dating now, and be able to explain my lack of family bonds without going too into depth why certain members are no-go's right from the start.
It’s not a red flag if you aren’t close to your family of origin. I also learned that it isn’t necessarily a good thing if a man is close to his mother.
My ex was close to his mother and they appeared to have a good relationship. Later I would learn that they are enmeshed and both incredibly narcissistic.
Not all families are healthy.
Right. Before, I believed that having a close-knit family is good. My husband is a family-oriented man but turned out to be not a good husband who puts his family before me. He is a narc as well as his parents and siblings. Never met a family as dysfunctional as theirs. Shows people they love and care for each but have constant issues against each other at the same time that aren't resolved and talked about.
@@shiiaustria8521 wow. This sounds like my story
Yeah, my boyfriend is not very close to his mother, and his mother is not bothered about him, either. She is not going to listen to his stories and mood sharing. She is just not doing these things. Sometimes when I call him, she picks up the phone, and I ask where he is, and she says she does not know. And she does not seem to care about where he is. Some men talk about their mothers very often. But he does not do that at all. Afterwards, he says that his mother does not listen to what he says about difficulty in life. She just does not do that. I think it is better. She is a widow. He says that she sometimes cries in the bathroom when he is in high school. His father leaves debt to her. But he leaves a shop to her and my impression about her is cooking and sending cheap meal boxes to construction sites. They are not attached closely. But he says he grows up having bad mood because most of his teenage years is spent when adults talk about money. no, lack of money.
@@shiiaustria8521
Sounds exactly how my family is. Every single narc or flying monkey returns and reports the gossip. Spreads like wildfire. Holidays come around they act like we’re all happy as can be. I’m on 9 months of no contact with my whole family. I’ve finally had the most successful year of my life in 2022! Being a codependent was so hard and still is hard. I finally let go, and realized I had to do what is best for me.
Yes, the first narc I knew was enmeshed with his Mum.
When someone:
Seems quick to react, or be offended.
Needs to be right.
Starts arguments
Belittles activities or other people's accomplishments.
good definition of what toxicity is I think.
Yup
One of my favorite bits from the TV series, Bojack Horseman, was when he and his girlfriend were breaking up. When the topic of red flags came up, she said that maybe she didn't see them because she was trying to see the good and was looking at the world through rose-colored glasses; seeing red flags while wearing rose-colored glasses just makes red flags look like flags.
Johnny Depp was also looking at the world through rose-colored glasses. Anybody could have!
Even if someone is nice and caring towards me, if I see them treat someone else badly that's a red flag for me because that person might not be treating me badly right now but from my personal experiences if they treat others badly then my turn is just around the corner.
The ol’ waiter test. Narcissists can’t help but bully customer service staff because they know they can’t defend themselves openly.
So it doesn’t bother you that they are treating others badly, but only that they might start treating you that way?
@@katieandnick4113 No of course when I saw him treating his ex badly I stopped and thought to myself that it was wrong of him. However that being said by that time I was all ready married to him and the trauma bond is real. It's not that I was okay with the way he treated others and no I wasn't okay with him treating anyone badly including myself. I just didn't see that side of him until we were married and by then my thought process was "maybe he has a reason for being so mad at this person" and as long as I'm not getting screamed at and pushed around then I was safe. It wasn't a matter of being okay with any of it. It was more of a survival mode by the time I saw that side of him. Yes in a way I was making excuses for his behaviour but not intentionally or in a malicious way and I wasn't only looking out for myself and I'm sorry if it sounded that way.
I hope that made sense to you I tried to explain it the best I could. When your in a situation with someone who is abusive things get very foggy and blurred. Cognitive dissonance and the trauma bond happening simultaneously is very confusing.
So all I meant by my comment above was the next time I see anyone I'm dating or with treating someone else badly no matter who they are that is a red flag for me now. It wasn't a red flag to me then because I didn't understand it yet.
MASSIVE Red Flag For Me Is When Someone Enters Full Commitment Mode & Expects Me To Do The Same Because They "Vibe" With Me Over Coffee All Within One Week
A Common Misconception Is That Emotional Instability Is Somehow Restricted To Only One Emotion (Usually Accepted To Be Anger) But In Reality Emotional Instability Applies To All Emotions Including "Positive" Ones, The Instability Is Simply A Disproportionately High Emotional Response Compared To The Level Of Social Interaction Currently Being Participated In & Wanting To Marry Someone & Live Out The Rest Your Lives Together In A Lakeside Cabin After Only 5 Minutes Of Good Coffee/Conversation Is DEFINITLY A Disproportionately High Response To That Level Of Social Interaction, Whenever I See This My First Thought Is If They React This Way With Me When I Make Them "Happy" Than I Dread To See What Their Response Would Be When I Make Them Mad.
I Apologies To Anyone Regarding My Typing, I'm Partially Blind In My Left Eye So Capping The 1st Letter Of Each Word Helps Me Identify The Spaces Between Words
I really like your point
The Equivalent Of This Happened To Me Today. Your Explanation Is Very Helpful In Processing My Negative Feelings And Thoughts About What Happened. After Exchanging Texts, A Few Phonecalls And A 1.5 Hour ‘’Date’. The Declaration Felt Excessive And Scary. I Saw Their Vulnerability, Felt Deep Empathy And Sensed Danger For Them And For Me. The Disproportionately High Emotion And Commitment When ‘I Make Them Happy’ Was Unnerving And Bodes Ill If They Were Ever To Be Displeased. Your Common Sense Insight Made It Clear Why Such Apparently Lovely Words And Actions Made Me Feel So Bad. Thank You AlphaBeastLord.
Someone that has never been married is definitely NOT a red flag. This could mean that they are careful, and don't jump in too soon. It could mean they are accountable enough to know they aren't ready. If someone is in treatment, that is also accountability. Someone that hasn't been in a relationship for a long time is not a red flag. It could also mean that they just don't settle for less and don't use people.
I hear people get this stuff wrong all the time, and if they are getting this stuff wrong, it generally means that THEY are not ready for a relationship, because it generally means that they do the opposite of those things that they disapprove of.
I’ve had older folks in my family think that if you’re over 18 and still unemployed and living with parents, there’s something wrong with you. That’s what this false red flag reminds me of. One should never assume.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
@Leo. Thank you for your comment and wisdom. Well said!!!
Yes, people judge and condemn others who have never been married. Awful!!! Unfortunately, it has always been that way forever. In the old days, unmarried women were “old maids.” Unmarried men were “old bachelors.” In today’s society, unmarried young men (and maybe women ?) are called “Incels.” This is a derogatory term. Worse, you hear that men, or women, who are “not married, it is because they are gays, and they don’t know it.” Heard it. Ludicrous!!!
Could mean that the only available men in the area are drunken toxic overweight and over aged because thats the culture. Call it red flag on me as much as you like. You know what you can do with your opinion
@@leamaka2082 I'm an incel? Awww :(
Keyword "feeling" and "uncomfortability"
Anything that makes you feel off, makes you feel uncomfortable....pay attention to it. Red flags are simply our intuition. And we all know what happens when we ignore it.
@@cosmo43095 This doesn't only apply to narcissists. It could literally be anything. Bottom line is we should not ignore how we feel. It's all the same concept.
Reason should analyze feelings and correct misperceptions. That's what this video is saying.
Okay but we're still human and could be wrong sometimes. Also if you're talking about safety I totally agree, but otherwise sometimes we'll still have to interact with people we don't like, especially those of us who work in hospitality and other industries. I could feel something is off about a person without them being a threat to me, it's important to know the difference.
I got to a point after healing, “I see narcissists everywhere “.
But as you relax and let your healing become normal life for you, you won’t as much. People can be narcissistic, toxic, raised to behave in certain ways or just need to heal themselves, bottom line, how does it make you feel and is living with it making your life better or worse?
In our society, I don’t think it’s far off to say narcissists are everywhere. Look at our government. They sprinkle a bit of generosity here and there and expect us to be grateful. The rest of the time they’re pointing fingers at each other while folks keep suffering. You get that same behavior throughout various communities in our country. Plus not many are willing to do something good without being in front of the cameras or in the spur of the moment. Everything’s conditional.
@@izzylandyt Yeah
@@izzylandyt I don't think "our government. They sprinkle a bit of generosity here and there and expect us to be grateful." Which nationality are you from? But what good things are you doing to help those who keep suffering? Probably nothing at all. That means this kind of comment is not helpful. Do you do anything for your people unconditionally? Probably nothing either. Your government is composed of you and your citizens. You are equally responsible for the government that you build. How government works is your responsibility, too. You have to be unconditionally give to have that come back to you. Nothing is free.
I agree, it can be all too easy sometimes to judge someone and say they're a narcissist, but in reality someone may just have narcissistic qualities and i think that's true i think everyone has a some narcissistic qualities to a certain degree when everything is ego based. I feel like growing up in a certain environment or being raised a certain way or just being around/ with someone that's narcissistic like can make a person think "am i a narcissist" or "is this person a narcissist" in my personal experience, i grew up in what you'd call a dysfunctional family and i grew up thinking almost everything was normal, i would be very careful to not go and call out someone as narcissist because i noticed narcissistic qualities in myself in the past that i believe i grew into in relation to my upbringing, but when i went and did some "soul searching" i i realized that i am not my past experiences, my emotions, nor my narcissistic qualities that enabled me to make changes and so when i look at another person labeled narcissist its easy to empathize with them and think "ok so maybe that's why they are so hard to treat" while its good to not be quick to judge i found that its important to realize when those narcissistic qualities are not okay and when they are detrimental to both the person carrying them and when it affects you and your own well being as a whole.
@@izzylandyt yep the government, communities and the economic system mold ppl into full blown narcs 💯💯💯
Red flags: litigiousness, obsession with money (related to litigiousness, which is usually about money), criticizing their ex, reckless driving.
being estranged from family isn’t necessarily a red flag. hello to fellow scapegoats 💙
tbh a red flag to me now, is someone who can’t empathise with survivors of abuse or those who have been scapegoated.
Agree
Agreed. I have had people tell me 'being estranged from their family is a HUGE red flag' not knowing that I stopped talking to my abusive mother and her flying monkeys more than 10 years ago. And for me, as for many of us, that decision saved my sanity and my Self and allowed me to grow and become a better person, friend, romantic partner, etc.
Enabling can be a red flag in itself. I have a dysfunctional family as well, and whenever I told others about it they either blew it off, took their side, or blamed me for it. When folks act that way, there’s no mistaken it. They’re bad news.
💯
They sure are not I was SG and found a community of others on FB who are the same and many are estranged for many it's an act of self protection and self care, society wants us to believe that being estranged is wrong to keep up the status narcissistic quo, The Scapegoated Warrior Hearts is the group BTW.
I've always thought that there's no substitute for time in a relationship. Red flags or the lack of them tend to become apparent over time as a couple faces life's ups and downs together. So I no longer allow anyone to rush me into things. That in itself is a red flag.
Well said
I had someone try to rush me into a friendship. They knew me for less than 2 months and said "You're a permanent part of my inner circle now." Yuck!
A vital & relevant video. None of us want to repeat history; some of us no longer trust our discernment & effectiveness in weeding out narcs!
Hi Dr Ramani. I heard someone share something the other day, and I'll never forget it. A nurse was introduced to a blind date. The first thing out of his mouth was OH WOW, A NURSE WITH A PURSE!!! GOODBYE!!! Red flags to me are GUT feelings. When I get a bad feeling in my gut about someone or something, I walk away. Not knowing how much my Fiancé makes per year is a red flag. Not planning a future with your Fiancé is a red flag. My gut feeling was going nuts during our relationship, but I Loved him. Our 5th and final year when I left him, ALL THOSE FEELINGS WENT AWAY. I feel so much better after being free 11 years.
Early in a relationship, I will refer to things as "orange flags" that alarm me or raise an eyebrow. They're not immediate deal breakers, but I need to keep this person at arm's length and keep an eye out for more of these flags,. And the reason I don't jump to conclusions is because even healthy people can sometimes have picked up dysfunctional behaviours along the way, and not even realize they are dysfunctional, or come from a very different intention/motivation. For example, an autistic person who becomes non-verbal isn't giving you the silent treatment, they're just overwhelmed. Also, sometimes we can see a red flag where there isn't one. I got to the age of 42 before I entered a situation where I was being praised, recognized, and valued for my efforts and contributions. I couldn't tell if this was what it feels like to be recognized and valued, or love bombing. But one thing I DO know is that when it comes to abusive relationships, retaliation is IMMEDIATE and OBVIOUS. And when you see orange flags and they start to add up, pretty soon it's easy to see they are actually red flags and you need to start planning an exit strategy, because it's a matter of time before you see a blatant red flag. And by then, you might be feeling far more stuck or obligated than you were in the beginning.
Agreed
Red flags are red , & encoded in my memory, the price is way too high for me personally to view experiences with toxic behaviour as any other shade/hue !
I see your point with healthy people potentially picking up dysfunctional behaviours and thus giving you the concept of orange flags. However, I feel that this is a risky game to play. The person could potentially be a good person but there's also the risk that they are not. You giving them that benefit of the doubt with the orange flags could give them room to put up a mask of being a good person and later on take it off when you're attached to them. Be careful with the orange flags concept. Of course you have to take risks on people to find the good ones but be a bit careful with orange flags is my take. I've learnt the hard way.
@@MM-nl3ff There are red flags that are strong enough to end it immediately, but collecting orange flags is waiting to see if something is isolated or a larger pattern. I do a quarantine period and it doesn't take long to see a cluster from my experience. I come in examining them, so it is easy to quarantine beforegiving or accepting further investment in emotions, time and energy.
One thing about lovebombers, they seem unable to move slowly with seriousness of a connection and unwarrented investment no matter how much you try to set boundaries, they find a way to try and push for more closeness and way too much Investment than is natural for the time you have known them in some way. Not accepting boundaries amazingly shows them quickly as well as idealization. I just give people this quarantine period before I consider further investment. I just Sussed out two lovenombers within a few weeks of meeting them recently and then ended both. I didn't get rid of them at the first sign of possible loivebombing,but it didn't take long before a cluster of sufficient evidence presented itself and I could comfortably know they were not good to get involved with.
Just think big Ed on 90 day fiance...push, push, push... they may say they are okay with boundaries, but what do they do? Do they get frustrated or angry when you take space or time you told them you you take from thr beginning?
I note your point ‘when it comes to abusive relationships retaliation is immediate and obvious. I kind of agree about retaliation for imagined slights or felt loss of control rings true. However, from my ex, the retaliation was covert, vindictive gaslighting and left me confused, wondering what had hit me. It wasn’t until I found these informative videos re narcissism that any of it made any sense, at the time I was simply bewildered. Now the more videos I see, the behaviour seems familiar, like scripted plays.
A red flag is a person who had deeply hurt you flip the script and say you're the one hurting them instead of apologizing and owning to their fault. A red flag is someone blaming you for something that made them upset without you having a clue what you have done. A red flag is someone so sweet at you at the start of the relationship and became 200 percent the opposite after you've called their shit out. A red flag is a behavior that keeps happening over and over again. A red flag is a person who, after benefiting from you, becomes a monster after you give them a favor and just forget that they owe you something in the first place.. These are red flags because no kind person does this. Kind people are mindful.
Exactly! I had a narc friend many years ago who appeared like 2 different people. Jekyll & Hyde. Sweet at first and then if they needed a favor from you and couldn't/wouldn't do it, they would turn on you. But they made their public persona look so sweet and helpful. They were only doing those things to look good. They were secretly a very angry person but portrayed a completely different version of themselves to the public.
THIS A BILLION TIMES YES (the first one)
So true. Man Kind inside and out cannot harm anyone or anything ever. Man Unkind is the problem.
Understanding what red flags are (and what they are not) is a continuing learning process of who you are and who they are.
I love the information Dr. Ramani provides, but I love her charisma too!!! “Whatever the hell the right labels are? Hell if I know” is a whole vibe 😂🤣💕 Sameeee
Difference of opinion is healthy in functional relationships, conflicts of *character/core values* are however, in my opinion, something deserving a red flag.
I would go so far as to say that most trauma responses shouldn't be seen as red flags in isolation, however;
"People who are trapped in a reactive cycle post-trauma and choose to ignore the problem",
"People without will to change",
"People who have endless excuses/absention from accountability" and,
"People who think others are responsible for their actions and reactions" are all, in my opinion, displaying their immaturity and respective red flags for the world to see.
I think it's really important you make more videos like this. Discussing mental disorders, varying personalities etc. that may be misinterpreted as narcissism. It's become so quick in today's society for people to label others with poor interpersonal skills and character defaults, showing a select few of the traits, as narcissists. It's worrisome how harmful giving this label can be within the relationships in our lives when it's not the case.
Giving my own personal example, several years ago I got into what ended up being a few year long fruitful relationship. Through out the course of those years this guy showed a lot of inconsiderate, selfish behaviors, especially in the way he spoke down to me often. We were always able to talk things through afterwards and him apologize for the way he acted, but we continued running into that problem of him doing something universally considered inconsiderate or rude. After a certain point I began researching into his character traits online. And quickly they fell into the category of narcissism. Come to find out later in our relationship that he ended up receiving diagnosis of aspergers syndrome. The more I researched into aspergers syndrome the more I came to discover the decent portion of overlap there is between the two.
Same here. My narcissist partner became I’ll. His illness is complicated and permanent. Same as him.
It's about patterns, not one offs. Crucially watching patterns with others too.
I'm divorced 21 years and not remarried. I'm being red flagged by women when asked about my history. Not fair! I have bigger and better red flags than that.
😂 Me too.
Happily Divorced 32 years ago! Touché! 👍
@@NicholsHomeDetail lol
Hahhaha
😂😂😂💪😎
Healing comes in stages. When one is first breaking free it's difficult to recognize what is a red flag and what isn't. Also a person will need validation of what they have gone through and most will need to express their pain to a sympathetic ear. Someone who has broken the cycle and gotten over it will no longer need that validation or sympathetic ear and recognizes the real red flags. I always called them pot holes. I learned to avoid the pot holes by walking around them.
Putting a label on these things helps people who have trouble articulating the trauma they have gone through. I think this is a very helpful and useful thing that Dr. Ramani has created. I know some people will complain that they will eventually become cliches, but cliches have served people for centuries, They last because they are true. Insincere people will eventually use these cliches, but I believe it's a small price to pay for the large number of victims it helps.
One real sign of healing is the ability to politely and diplomatically draw fair boundaries without guilt, regret or fear. "No" can become the most powerful word in your vocabulary.
Signed an ex scapegoat who is now a much happier wise old goat
Thank you for the validation. I'm still in stage 1. :)
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️beautifully beautifully said
I know something is "off" with someone else when I start to feel upset/angry and most particularly ruminate about them. Our neighbors are entitled f-wits, and I have completely backed off which they can't stand. She copies everything she has seen in my house, including the external paint colour....and so it goes on. Basically, if my energy level drops because of someone I'm gone.
Yes,! They exhaust you because you politely listen to them babble about stupid things but when you talk they change the subject!
Assertiveness is not aggression.
Confronting is not confrontational.
Aggression and confrontational are red flags.
But sometimes confronting or asserting is uncomfortable depending on the topic.
Finding your voice is such a good thing. But sometimes people find it intimidating.
I hear dat! When someone doesn't know me, my smile seems aggressive to them, not sure why, they get defensive when I ask for more details to better change.
I've had seizures and tell people it's probably nerve damage from when I fell on my face multiple times, but also because of the seizures.
I shouldn't have to indicate I had an accident for the other person to not be a closeminded jerk and that is the reason I almost lost my job.
My side of the story wasn't listened to at all because the complaint came from a "third party", which was in fact that persons' friend, so to management, they MUST be telling the truth.
Even though I gave them no reason to think of me as a liar.
I've also been called "difficult" and "argumentative", and this were descriptors during my training. I wasn't argumentative, I was asking questions, and my hearing impairment and ignorance of the job must annoy people, but ffs, apparently they needed me to play dumb, smile and not absorb anything to make someone feel useful? I still don't know any of those persons' real issue was with me, and I will never know, but it's a very strong chance because they're petty, pathetic, threatened by me when I am no threat, etc, and when this happens on repeat and I am forced to keep starting over in a different place, it's gross and it shouldn't be a mystery that it increases my suicidal thought activity with depression.
I've been trying to confirm borderline personality disorder and being on the autism spectrum, but as an adult, and in my town, it's difficult to do.
I didn't want to move back home, too many bad memories and jerks still around.
I hate hearing "compliments" that aren't compliments, just indication of attraction.
It turns my stomach due to the amount of sexual abuse I've been through.
I don't feel attracted to anyone, because I need friends I can rely on to not abandon me if I have problems I need to talk about, so friends are a higher priority than a romantic relationship.
I've felt attraction in the past, but can't tell because of normalization, the roles a girl has to play as they grow up, or if I was a regular hetero person before the sexual assault became more common, and not with the same person consecutively.
Sorry, this got away from me.
I prefer avoiding. I think some people just don't know how to be confrontational, and it is not necessary. The energy spent on confrontation is perhaps more exhausting. if it deeply involves more serious issues. Law is better than confrontation. Maybe law gives you the way out of a situation. Law gives you a chance to think about what issue is really involved.
@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 if you never confront an issue it never gets solved, it grows bigger or it blows up in a passive aggressive nightmare.
For example:. Did you write a check?
I showed we had xyz amount of money and the bank sent me an overdraft notice.
So most people would just be oh dang, I forget to tell you again so you could balance the checkbook.
However, some people accuse you of being confrontational, when someone is addressing an issue.
This is a struggle. I have had friends claim things are red flags. They might be for them, but not for me. I also do wait to see how the person behaves after hoisting a red flag. If I tell them I didn't like something, their response is everything. I'm a roadracer (motorcycle) and it's extremely difficult for men to embrace. They're initially drawn to me because it's cool and interesting and then once they're in my life they wind up hating it. It's intimidating.
I do not think it's a red flag if they're honest and walk away. I do take issue with them if they accuse me of surrounding myself with men for attention, accusing me of impropriety when I never ever give cause for, etc.
This is a bit off topic, but I've never heard or seen anyone racing motorcycles before (I usually see them riding in gangs), that does sound cool!
That makes sense. People that have their own sense of self/self esteem/self love wouldn't be intimidated by that part of your life.
Somewhat same, I'm a very handy and crafty person, first men love it and flock towards me and then I'm suddenly brandmarked as attention seeker or they ridicule my knowledge.
They all want a strong woman until they get one lol generalizing but still
@@chubbydinosaur9148 many people are insecure and deep down feel quite intimidated by every other person - male or female - that knows things they don't, and/or have special skills in something that they don't, especially if you're succesful with that....And a lot of times, in my experience, they don't even possess the level of maturity to be self-aware about it, so that they can work through it, build themselves up to not feel that way anymore - to never ever ridicule you again for just being you, with all your skills and knowledge. A mature, self-aware person will never ridicule you for having great knowledge in something. They will be humble and appreciating having met someone like you, and happy to be with someone who isn't afraid to be themselves and love themselves......Now, granted, that sort of people who are being that mature and truly strong, are hard to come by.....
Subtle signs???
Years ago I went to a church conference with a female friend from church. During a break my friend went to get something to drink. While she was gone a woman approached me and asked if I had a pocket knife she could borrow. I said sure. She smiled and said that she figured I did because of the way I was dressed, and none of the other men there that she asked had one. We both chuckled about it. When my friend came back I told her about the incident thinking she would get a chuckle out of it too. Instead, she accused me of being paranoid and arrogant at the same time. I asked her why she thought that. She said I was being paranoid because I thought the woman was stereotyping me, and arrogant because she singled me out from all the other men to approach. (She thought I was bragging that the woman had been flirting with me.) I was puzzled at this explanation and asked her, "How am I paranoid when she (the other woman) was the one who said she figured I would have a pocket knife because of the way I was dressed? I didn't make that up. She said it. And, how am I arrogant just because she singled me out? She said she did." My friend then mumbled, "Well, I don't know. That's just the way I see it."
A day later when we were leaving the conference she was mad at me about something. I didn't know what, but she snapped at me when we were getting in the car and I asked her where she got her bottle of water. She said, "I told you last night." I said, "You did? OK. What did you tell me? I don't remember?" She snapped, "I called you and told you the hotel had a place where you could get free water from one of those large water bottle stands." I replied, "Oh, ok. So you used an old bottle and filled it up?" She responded, "Yes." Later after we got back from the conference we were on the phone and she was still mad at me. When I tried to question her about what she was mad at me about, all she would say was that it was "it's just the flesh, as my friend used to say," and then told a story about a guy she had known where she had worked and been attracted to but didn't want it to go beyond the "flesh." She then wanted to know why I invited her to the conference if I wasn't interested in her? I was shocked, and realized that she had expected sex, and when that didn't happen by the time we left she was mad. I tried soothing her hurt feelings and talking about the proper way for our friendship to progress, but she wasn't interested in a relationship, just a fling. By then I had seen enough red flags with her mixed messages (being a Christian widow wanting a one night stand), her temper, and her readiness to assume the worst about me in the first incident above. I tried to stay friends with her but she was always changing her mind, kind of fickle, in the way she would flirt with me and then try to find a way to insult me, as well as a way of twisting things and getting mad at me because I wouldn't go any further with her. I didn't trust her and certainly wasn't going to put myself in a compromising situation with someone that I knew would throw me under the bus to escape any responsibility. That seemed to be the whole point of finding things she could accuse me of. I would eventually be the scapegoat and she would villify me to escape any blame.
It seems I have always been a bit naivé about the sneaky sexual behavior of some people, and often in the dark about the coded way they communicate their intentions. But, there are subtle signs to watch for if you want to avoid being caught in a toxic sexual relationship with a narcissist or BPD. And, if you want to provoke them into revealing themselves, play "dumb" and ask questions. It seems to frustrate them when you don't chase them or don't take the hint and get careless. They are deficient on empathy, and use criticism to manipulate you into performative behaviors for approval. As if they are your parent, supervisor, or authority figure. If you are "confused" by the COVERT "hints" and ask questions they will throw more covert hints out, but try to keep from being explicit because that would expose them and make them vulnerable to rejection. They need to believe they are in control, and you are obedient, but in such a way that they can't be blamed. The story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife is a biblical example.
If you wanted a drama queen you could have bought tickets to the opera. People like this are good for one activity only: Run like your butt is on fire while concurrently getting your aerobic exercise.
@@tundrawomansays694. Lol. 😂
I feel this whole heartedly but unfortunately I gave in. You are wise. You certainly avoided a Potiphar’s wife which saves you from many consequences down the line.
@@MistyEry. I understand the feeling. Unfortunately, there are people who will use a person's beliefs to "future fake" them into a sexual relationship under the assumption that it will lead to something more permanent. I hope you have been able to leave the situation and move on. I hesitate to say too much on how they manipulate Christian beliefs in situations like this since it is a sore subject for some people. But, I do hope you find release and healing. 🙏 God bless you.
Good grief what an experience 😳😨😱
I hope you have recovered??
Stay strong in your fate 😇🥰
God bless you
It definitely doesn’t need to be a red flag….it can just be not-a-match 🤷♂️
People who say that those that don’t have a good relationship with their parents/families are red flags to me because it shows a complete lack of empathy for what people may have endured in their earlier life. They also come across as avoidant and emotionally lazy. At this point it seems like too many of us have suffered childhood trauma, especially abuse.
Be wary though.
My ex didn't talk to ANY of her family and her family didn't talk to her either.
Not a sister, brother, cousin, uncle, mom, dad, aunt, grandma, nobody...
She was completely alone and used "I have no family 😭😭😭" as an emotional weapon to lure people in.
When I heard she didn't have any family, I felt sooooo bad for my ex. Soooo bad.
I was like "omg, you poor thing. Don't worry I'll be your family."
She then told me "My family is all nuts. Everyone in my fam is a bad person, so I stay away from the crazy drama."
Well, 1 year later I found out why HER FAMILY doesn't talk to HER...
SHE is the drama and chaos.
Relationships with parents can be quite complicated and it's something that a person may not wish to do a deep dive into when you are first getting to know them. You are right about people sometimes not being emotionally mature enough to see the root cause of their parents flaws. Sometimes a person can understand why their parents are so messed up, have empathy for them and still want to keep a distance from them.
I have horrible psycho Narc sisters and my father was one too so my avoidance of them and estrangement is not my fault or a red flag 🚩 on me! It’s not possible to be around borderlines who are drug and alcohol abusers, anorexia, silent treatments, physically abused their kids, starved their kids like themselves, mean and scary hate for others too! I am not like any of my siblings so that doesn’t make me a red flag. I didn’t speak to my father for his last 7 years after a disturbing insult so it’s not a red flag about me! Okay?? Maybe rethink that false perception.
Thank you Dr Ramani! I was married and divorced five times before I became aware that I was an active codependent. I've been working on healing for the past ten years. I even created a self help tool after finding myself in another relationship with a narcissist. I realized that I still was not prioritizing myself when I overlooked the red flags. Now I am able to see and walk away from toxic people.
Being very introverted is not a red flag. My hubby is very introverted. It took me years to see that he really does care about us, by doing things like making sure that our house is well cared for. When he gets overwhelmed he'll hide in his home office.
for me, when someone makes me feel bad about myself, in a comment, facial expression, etc. and just goes about their day, red flag.
Another red flag is back handed compliments...talking to them makes you feel like you're not sure if thats an insult or a compliment..they might say sth like ..." I'm so proud of you for doing well because you've always been an idiot" or that outfit looks OK on you sometimes you look hideous " and gaslighting on memories they tell you they rmb sth and try to convince you that their version is true and you have bad memories . They always make you question yourself about stuff that was said or done.another is instantly making an exscuse for something instead of owning up to it.they get mad at you when you can't give them time and attention because you have other things to do...they tell you they wish you didnt have kids so you can talk to them without noises in the background. Then they tell you how dumb you are for having kids and how it stole away your life and freedom and how wonderful their life is because they don't have kids etc sorry I'm ranting lol 😅😅😅🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️💆🏻♀️💆🏻♀️
Red flags can also feel nice if you don't realize they are way too much and might be lovebombing bait. . . Saying I love you right away, saying it's meant to be, wanting plan a future with you when you just met, wanting to spend inordinant amounts of time or money on you, getting frustrated when you don't have time (and not thinking about your needs, even though they are "over atrentive) in some ways.) telling other people you are in a relationship before you are, saying they will respect your desire ro move slow, but finding ways to ignore those boundaries in somw way. Saying I was just too good to my fiance so she wanted to break up. . . I attract these people or something, but I throw the fish back pretty fast, not at the first red flag, but when I see a cluster.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for everything ❤️
I really appreciate these videos they helped me learn more about my mom and her narcissism. Not knowing what was wrong with her, now I understand.
Same. It has changed my life.
Definitely! These videos have changed everything for me!!!
Same friends. Same
Being forgetful, such as being late and not calling, or forgetting a coffee date. It would depend on whether they acknowledge and apologise as to whether I would think it was a red flag.
I'm learning to trust that gut feeling or as I say, listen to the little voice inside my head. For so many years I ignored it and now realize it would have helped me make better decisions. The red flags were there, I chose to ignore them. Not any more.
Same here.
Dear Dr. Ramani, have you written a children's book on narcissism? If not, i hope you do.
The knowledge you share in your channel is so valuable in helping arm children against being emotionally abused as they grow up.
I’ve been accused of being a narcissist because I expect acknowledgment when I send gifts to the grandkids and other family members. It’s not always a red flag to seek validation in this way.
What you said 5:40 - 6:00 They may have been divorced several times, but watch when they say things like "Everyone that divorced me was a problem". They also might say other people they've lived with have problems. That's something my narcissistic stepmom has said: A good chunk of past people she's lived with were problems. I totally get why they were problems to her, BECAUSE OF HER.
I totally understand what you mean, and I agree with you. Sometimes the one person is to blame for most things, and sometimes not.
I am going through my third divorce right now.
I know I have my flaws and I am not perfect. But I also know WHY I am getting divorced, but that is a story for another time 😊
Or she left because I top old to her... real mice guy statement, and if you ever listened tp reddit nice guy videos, you learn these guys have narcissistic traits to a frightening degree......
“I’m a perfect person it’s everyone else around me that’s flawed”
@@kristinl.b9741 Good luck on getting out. Don't say anything to people that could tell the narcissist.
My stepmom is a whole other level of narcissism. Right now she's fucking stomping around the house over something really stupid my niece did. 😂
Been stuck with her, my dad and niece for 4 years now. So ready to get out. All 3 narcissistically abuse me, but my stepmom is by far the worst. She's a malignant narcissist. My dad easily manipulated me into coming here because my mom was close to dying and I hadn't seen him in 7 years and I was only 18.
When I first came up, my sister was here and her and my dad got in a heated argument outside, he was pushing and spitting on her like a little bitch. I was inside crying. My stepmom told me "I'm not an evil stepmom" while I was crying and so I knew she instigated that fight between my dad and sister. This was a week after I of being here. I should have went back to my mom then, damn they love bombed me. I never liked my stepmom but I stayed to try to establish a relationship with my dad to zero avail. He changed the day after my mom died. Such a sad excuse of a father. None of his kids even like him.
One not-red flag I want to point out here is this: not making eye contact. Not making eye contact can be something a person does when they are autistic, or blind, or even if they're just shy. Or their culture says it's rude to make eye contact with strangers. It does NOT always indicate that a person is dishonest, shifty, or the like (and habitual liars often make good eye contact anyway, so narcissists have that one covered, as a rule, they're more likely to make eye contact than many other groups of people who aren't necessarily guilty of anything).
Another not-red-flag in a similar vein is this - not modulating one's voice. Due to cultural, disability, or other reasons, sometimes people will speak louder or more quietly than you might expect. There can be issues with that, but, particularly if the person does not have a habit of going from zero to screaming in two seconds flat, mismatch in voice volume does not necessarily indicate the person is narcissistic (it can be a personal dealbreaker for some, yes, but this does not mean the person is narcissistic).
Nor does a certain cultural speech pattern* called the overlap-interrupt (also not a red flag) - this is a form of interruption that isn't really intended to cut off the conversation or even the other speaker, it's more like a rhythm in which people speak (in which the interrupter is often supplementing what the other person has to say and mostly just trying to keep up a certain conversational rhythm, though it can take some doing to figure that one out). If a partner is doing this overlap-interrupt, and it bothers you, of course you want to address than and ask them to wait for you to finish talking, and try not to do the overlap-interrupt thing when talking to you specifically (at least as long as it bothers you). In other words, you kind of approach that similarly to normal interruption, but giving a little more benefit of the doubt (not that you need to keep it if they won't respect your need for them to wait for you to finish, especially if they fail to respect this need when they are calm or if there are never any moments calm enough for them to do so).
*that one is particularly common in folks with Ashkenazi Jewish backgrounds, though not all know that their background is Ashkenazi and some may not even know their background is Jewish if their parents never told them or were never told by THEIR parents.
While I definitely don't have that background, I've always done that interrupt thing and at this point even my kids will rip into me for it. My husband would even shame me for it in front of the kids teachers and mental health team! And tbh, until I read this I thought it was me being rude, even though I never meant to be and more than half the time I honestly thought they were finished speaking. Holy shit my therapist is right, he's got the kids shaming me!
@@aprildawnsunshine4326 Even if you don't have that background, it doesn't mean that there weren't people in your family who knew folks with that background and picked it up there. And even if it wasn't, sometimes people from one culture naturally click with the sensibilities of another.
And it's not okay to shame people no matter who certain patterns were picked up from. Whether it was their culture or someone else's. Or simply someone having sensibilities compatible with a culture different from their own.
That happens too - as a personal example, none of us in our family are black, but both my mom and dad have done certain subtle things that are more common in black families than white ones, and one of my dad's parenting practices was even something I didn't fully make sense of until I saw it articulated in Simone Biles' autobiography (which got the point of this practice better than parenting books generally do, it's something parenting books usually condemn, but in this case out of misunderstanding).
And a non-personal example of someone picking up the sensibilities of a culture they're not from is the anime Cells at Work, which has a rather Jewish feel but whose producers were most assuredly not Jewish, because if they were they would have known "Get lost" was a real expression and used it as a gag because that's too good a gag to pass up in the context of the story (where the protagonist is a red blood cell who starts out getting lost all the time, never gets flustered, and the idea of her losing her sh**t and saying "Get lost" is just too funny not to do in this already silly anime - unless you didn't know that was a real thing, which the producers clearly didn't).
@@lsmmoore1 lol maybe it's all the stand-up comedy I've always been obsessed with that up till the last decade has skewed that direction pretty heavily. Not that Lewis black isn't amazing but so is vir das for example
You are right..the somatic yuck feelings are important to listen into.
Also the whole 'doesn't know how to pronounce a wine label properly b/c they don't know as much' , ya that is my snotty family who would turn and laugh at the person or mock them later. It's nasty & it's not like they know EVERYTHING out there either...yet have no problem mocking others who can't afford it or 'aren't of their class' yet they came from nothing. It always made my own mother's mother sad..and she expressed it when I was 12yrs old. I wish I listened harder in the sense to detach away from their manipulations 'keeping up with the Jones's'.
Thank you! The overuse and twisting of words like narcissist or red flags and it's incredibly invalidating.
Well explained! Beautiful
Thank you DrRamani
Thank you Dr.Ramani you are so awesome!! I wish I could afford to lay on your couch. My head and heart are pretty jacked up. Yet, I am still alive and I’ll just keep watching and sharing your videos everyday. 💞
M.
I believe you have mentioned the death stare but that was a big one for me with a narcissist I met this year. Then they of course showed other signs after that.
Interesting you say this. The stare is also a cultural thing. Moms in some cultures communicate with their children with the death stare, to tell them to knock off a behavior and draw a boundary. My family used the death stare with one another. As a quiet child I often got bullies to leave me alone by giving them the death stare. It wasn’t until I met someone in junior high who hesitated at the stare and then told me the stare made him feel crazy, did I question it. After that, I used it less. I don’t use it to this day. But, if someone is really over stepping my boundary and I’ve already drawn it, I will let my expression do what it does, which is typically a look 🤨 and then I leave.
Before that guy, because the people in my culture understand that look, I thought the stare was effective communication. Perhaps it is to be used only in extreme cases of bullying and not for general communication.
@@blueskies773 The narc was using it to be intimidating because they didn't like that I set boundaries with them.
what aren't red flags? Negating who a person is, devaluing, being discarded as trash, making others consider self-worth or autonomy, and making others extremely defensive. If one can rise above all of that, you're alive for a purpose.
Cheryl I like what you said. Week in week out I was told how beautiful a woman was on TV "how soft". As we all know there was nothing I could say because then I was the problem. I knew the game, so didn't respond. Afterall that's what he wanted wasn't it. But after him cheating again, twising and then saying he'll forgive me well time to move out. 25 yrs married, 3 months on my own and I cannot get over the peace I feel. Learning on this channel is fantastic- I'm not crazy afterall and the weird thing is I'm actually happier than I've been in years. Blessings to you Cheryl.
The biggest take away I've learned from surviving being in tangled in narcissistic drama is this: Don't judge people based upon what other people tell you, by all means take it as a warning, but judge people based on your interactions with them.
Being chronically ill and/or disabled is not a red flag. I've heard many people from my partners (7 years, unmarried) side saying all kinds of horrible things about me(gold digger, etc) and encouraged him to break up with me. I was on my death bed, had multiple surgeries, and a long hard recovery. That's what happens when women are dismissed by everyone until it's too late. Went almost 3 decades without 2 undiagnosed major illnesses that almost cost me my life. But here I am successful in my attempts to achieve better health and keep myself alive and thriving. Wish I could cut those people out completely and I will walk away eventually if it doesn't improve or if I'm not being supported by my partner. It's an unfair situation for him and I hope he's finally realizing how toxic they truly are as people. I'm just under 6 feet tall(taller than him by a little), college educated, and beautiful inside and out. (or as many tell me "wasted model material" ) Small people do not like powerful women who do not bend to their whims. Thank you for everything Dr. Ramani!
That’s really sad. I wish you well and great people to have around. An old friend of mine had life changing surgery and was close to dying. Her boyfriends dad sat him down and told him to not abandon her at this time, that this was the moment she’d need him the most. He was with her as support the whole time, and they continued to have a beautiful and loving/cherishing relationship after the surgery which altered her life afterwards. I wish you someone who cherishes you in this way, and I wish it for myself too. I went through a harrowing breakup while deathly ill too and he used my illness as a means against me. He had friends visit, and I was ill and wasn’t able to be a host. He berated me after saying that his friend probably felt slighted. Nowhere in there was concern for my wellness. Not to mention I had made soup for him, exhibited gentleness during his illness and cared for him not long before my illness came to a head. It’s hard to deal with situations like that in an important time of your life. May we connect with those who truly cherish us from the inside out and enjoy lasting, steady love. 😊
Consistency is a great point. And being willing to repair.
I think a red flag is anyone who lacks empathy for others and isn't ashamed or aware of it. For example, years ago a child was mauled by a dog and kid you not the narc in my life said "good thats what the kid gets for messing with the poor dog". Their worry was for the dog and could care less about the child and even laughed when they showed a pic of the toddler with stitches all over it face. To me anyone who laughs at someone else's suffering is a big red flag.
After watching this episode, I am more confident in my decision to go no contact with my ex-friend. He is so charming, but multi-divorced. He kept violating my boundaries after the second divorce, so I believe he didn't learn anything from the past. I cut off contact with him and his friends without any explanation.
Good for you! If they try to get back into your life or bad mouth you, just ignore them, don't take the bait or you could end up in more drama. Stay strong. ❤
@@greylizard1040 Thank you. I'll definitely do that. Flying monkeys are unaware why he is toxic.
Thank you for this more nuanced explanation. Thank you!!!!
Great information ! My number one flag is receptiveness, if the parson isn't receptive and can not hold a conversation it demonstrates a lot!
It should be noted that some narcissists will ask a whole lot of questions about you, and feign interest initially. Over time you realize that it's something they do with almost everyone they encounter, and the whole thing starts to sound disingenuous, even robotic. They don't really care but want to win people over and come across as thoughtful, generous, and selfless...the polar opposite of what they really are.
Love you doc
🚩Mine sweeping 🚩
In a new relationship when love is so blinding . You can lose it all with a roll of the dice 🎲🎲
Snake eyes staring back at you
It is dead eyes staring back at you
they Give me chills ...and I still love her!
Good Morning Dr. R. I really appreciate your videos, all of them. I am so grateful that I stumbled upon them, it was most likely divine intervention. It just amazes me that I could allow my narcissistic relationship to get me to a point where I literally was believing that I was 100% of the problem. For years (almost 4) I did nothing but adjust and change until it got to the point of me swallowing everything because my partner was unwilling to look at herself or change even in the slightest. I really believed that I was messed up beyond repair even though I have been working with a therapist every two weeks for over two years, crazy! I also am happy that I learned of the gender bias related to narcissism. I never would have consider for a second that a woman could be the narcissist. I have been called a narcissist twice in my life and I am 56 years old. Having this new found information it has become so clear to me that those two people who labeled me narcissist were the narcissists themselves. I think that second marriage and my exposure to this disorder has made the red flags way more apparent as I go. Thanks again.
Devalued - looks, intellect, past trauma, creativity, faith, family. Spoke up but made out as picking a fight. They'd self harm and threaten suicide.
Years of abuse to now being discarded as trash while they live a great life with zero consequences.. slowly healing, thank you Dr Ramani ❤️
“Spoke up but made out as picking a fight”
THIS ONE!
And the minimisation of feelings... i feel you about the discard, much love and hugs! Healing takes long time and work but it's worth it!
Their life is not great its all an illusion. What kind of happy person does those things. They don't love anyone they are literally not capable of it. Live strong 💪❤️
In my early years, there was much chaos, confusion, impatience and rushing. My parents operated upside down and so my judgement was eroded and my boundaries were weakened on a daily basis. Red flag behaviours was normalized in our household. It was not safe to trust my instincts and so I learned not to. Now, as I am on my healing journey, I am befriending my gut, my feelings, my thoughts, and intuition and slowing down. As my self-awareness grows, so does my discernment. Having clarity fills me with the light to see through darkness.
Private Jen: You learned not to trust your instincts. Your insight, observations, judgement, decisions, discernment, gut feeling. That's me as a teenager in my home. It's what gaslighting does to you.
light 💡 bulb moment 5:26 *"...past history....can turn some flags 🚩red, it happens"*
Dr. Ramani is gracious enough to try to help us understand behaviors, signs, and give us tools to put into our tool belt. Thank you for the insight and recounting of your knowledge. Many of your videos and others have helped me end a 32 year night mare of a marriage. I am 7 months healing but feel like I have soooooo far to go. I don't know me anymore and to think about dating is more than a bit scary. I am trying to get the barometer set to a normal person again, this information and others like it help me to grow while understanding what to be aware of.
Don't worry about dating right now. It's clearly too soon for you. Take care of yourself and realize your WORTH so you can find YOU again. Best wishes to you!
I know all about narcissists having married and divorced four of them. Those men are in my past, I'm no longer vulnerable. Being alone for the last twenty years has allowed my heart to heal and my spirit to grow. You have helped me so much, Dr Ramani. It may look like a big red flag to those who don't know me. So be it. I'm free to be me now.
Thanks so much fellow Bruin!
"Have you ever been married?" annoys the hell out of me. By what right does someone expect me to ACCOUNT for having or not having been married? That is what, "Have you ever been married?" is really asking. That topic is connected to SO MANY highly personal life issues and if you choose a short answer like NO, it just makes them more intrusive. Yes open another line of inquiry that I think most people would rather delay until much later in getting to know someone. The next question if I choose No is about women friends they've seen me with. Have THEY ever been married?? So the diverse and often complex lives of my friends are now his/her business too? Whether asked by male or female, the real question is about the assumption of sexual preference based on marital status. The correct question should be, "Am I interested in YOU?" "Am I interested in dating someone?" "Do we have any common interests?" 99.97% of people i meet don't even share enough interests with me to quality as friends and friends are all I want. Why should I spill my whole life history to them?
Many women, especially foreigners find it odd when they find I am still single, ask why I am not married or have a woman. As though it’s some requirement to show you’re accomplished.
I wish you were my therapist
been a massive fan. thanks for all the great work
I am very, very glad the “this is not…” series is being published. Dr Ramani spent years putting out videos and making money out of labelling everyone as a narcissist without identifying what is not narcissistic behaviours. Simply saying “red flag” because you disagree with someone or dislike them is narcissism. To see red flags everywhere is narcissism as you are not seeking to analyse behaviour. Simply because I disagree with you does not mean I am a narcissist.
She never labeled everyone a narcissist 🙄 SMH
She certainly never said if someone disagrees with you, they are a narcisaist... weird thing to say
These people's judgment in the comments are not be taken seriously anyway. Since they're not judges of character anyway. So you can't even take their advice. They don't know
The body is brilliant ✨
If you’re patronized or forced to do anything you don’t want to do, I find those to be red flags.
Yes.
100% agree. If your feelings are not respected- it can be so subtle. You want to write it off, because you want to have someone in your life. BUT it keeps happening. Tiny little barbs. Your gut knows..listen to yourself.
True.. I was sexually assaulted and then blamed for it too.
Goodness,I would hope you're not unique in that. Those are Red flags to be sure.
@@christinefrench3222 sometimes your gut is wrong if you’ve gone through lots of trauma. But you do pick up some clues as to whether a person’s narcissistic or not. Being on autistic spectrum helps a bit with noticing subtleties.
"Curly fries are for people who need entertainment in their lives and are incapable of providing it themselves"
I thought he was joking. Oh, naïve me.
😂😂😂😂😂 that is a hilariously trivial thing to have such disdain for. Like a quote from a sitcom character. I love curly fries and am also very entertaining. Lol. Keep on eating curly fries.
@5:26 "our histories can turn some flags red." Love it
WoW!!!! so helpful!!!!!!! ❤❤❤ (the "defensiveness" is the tell, and is also so interesting!!!!)
Thank you.
Peace 💕🇺🇲
Dr Rameni, I'd like you to do a video on being cancelled, but being cancelled very quietly and subtly, whereby one can't even determine whether they've truly been cancelled (but suspect so) because of a pattern of things that have happened.
I have had people tell me 'not getting along with their parents is a HUGE red flag'. It is NOT a red flag.
Those people don't realize that I stopped talking to my own narcissistically abusive mother, enabling father, and her other flying monkeys more than 10 years ago. For me, that was a tremendously difficult decision but, despite what the above people have told me, 'not getting along with my parents' does NOT 'make me a terrible person.' To the contrary, separating from my toxic FOO has allowed me to grow and develop into a better person, a better friend, a better coworker, a better romantic partner, etc.
Agreed, some people might just be generational curse breakers. On the other hand, I've known several narcissists who were estranged from their families, and in each case they did not take any ownership or responsibility for themselves, but rather played the victim. They emphasized how it was everyone else's fault their families didn't want anything to do with them, with a plea for sympathy for how much they'd suffered. The "why" behind the estrangement is what I look for.
@@imnoel8214 absolutely.
After I disconnected from my FOO about half of my many siblings eventually followed suit. So, at some level, my NM is estranged from her family because she is a narcissistic abuser. (same result, exact opposite reasons).
I think, however, 'not getting along with one's family' rather being a red flag is more of the type of situation Dr. Ramani spoke about where people have been divorced many times. A factor to consider but one that depends on the reason that the person is in the situation instead of automatically a red flag.
@@gowiththeflow3791 This.
I am sorry you had to go through that but am happy you are in a better place.
I have noticed more and more memes about 'STOP telling people But ThEIr FaMiLy!' But, at the same time, while mainstream media is finally willing to address 'how to deal with a difficult parent on xyz holiday' it still seems unable to go to 'here's why it is OK to disconnect and not have to deal with their BS at all.'.
Forums like this are that much more important because it allows those of us who, unfortunately, get it to have these discussions.
I agree. I was talking to a woman who was about 20 years my senior and had a daughter about 10 years younger than me and she made a comment about how I should try to get along better with my mom when I explained that we didn't really hang out much. I looked her right in the face and asked her, "Did you ever tell your daughter that you were going to to encourage her to die? Did you drag her out of bed and cut off all of her hair and then make her sit in a chair for several hours just so you could tell her what a horrible person she was? When your daughter was in college did you take a sense of pride in moving her in and out of the dorms and help her with her FAFSA applications or did you make her feel like a burden and told her she should just throw away her things and her clothes at the end of the semester and take the bus/train home because you didn't feel like driving two hours to pick her up and shred her w2s so she couldn't get financial aid and then tell her it was her fault because you felt abandoned when she left for college? No? Well then MYOB?"
Parents are more often than not the entire reason for these issues. Because they are the issue. When it’s experienced as a child every day every week every month every year every decade, your brain literally gets wired - neurons make connections to neurons, for you to think and see in ways regardless of anything, regardless of when the “stimulus or antagonist“ is even there anymore . This is how depression or dependency drugs alcohol etc. eventually plays a major role in people who had seriously damaged childhood that eventually led into a controlled young adulthood (by the parents ) and even adulthood. People don’t understand the amount of power and control a true narcissist or psychopath actually has. People who never experienced it don’t understand how someone in their 30s cannot have their life together and blame it on their parents - or are very reserved and talking about it because they know if they mention their parents it will look like they are pointing fingers instead of taking responsibility so then they don’t talk about it at all which compounds the issues … also compounding the issues is when their parents look like, and I emphasize look like - normal people. It looks like the fault of the child. And that’s not to say it always is the fault of the parent, sometimes it’s the other way around. For sure.
But Parents are often the problem. And we live by a rhetoric of parents love their kids. Someone who did not experience it would not understand what being the result of a true psycho pathic parent would end up as. They think of the term “psychopath“ as the meaningless word that everyone throws around in our society. They don’t understand how one person will get singled out in a family - it could be the one who is most impressionable or it could be the strongest one Who will take it endlessly or it could be the one who makes the psychopath feel the most insecure. There’s many possibilities… you have no idea the depths of a psychopath and their ability to manipulate, it’s past anything conceivable to someone who grew up in a healthy home. We live by rhetoric of all parents love their kids etc. Which is 100% incorrect. Or circumstantial at best. Society living by rhetoric ideology is one of the biggest dangers and advantages to someone who is psychopathically disordered, also narcissistically disordered.
Rather optimistic even for you doc 😉👍
When we had our first child you would think great job honey… she is incredible…. Nope I got those Eyes stabbing me with a tone voice. You can never leave me now. After 21 hours of labor I was being put in my place yet again…..
What about them condescendingly stereotyping everyone, and making assumptions about all based on one?
Question: is narcissism such a popular topic right now that certain people almost have this internet cult of diagnosing others as narcissist whenever they don't like their behavior?
Yes.
And it invalidates those who have REAL experience, life altering and permanent long term consequences from an NPD, or worse - a PPD.
Its “the thing” to make out everyone to be a narcissist, when most people don’t have the slightest clue how complex it really is.
“He/she wasn’t into me... they must have been a narcissist...”
Its a sin how this gets exploited.
As the proverb goes - if the wrong people use the right means, the right means work in the wrong way.
Definitely. Not just on the internet though. People are bringing it into face-to-face communication. It’s good to be educated, and recognize that traits don’t necessarily reflect that someone is a narcissist. But, it does teach us how to handle the odd behaviors that are out of pocket.
Unfortunately, yes.
Narcissists themselves are especially busy projecting it onto victims.
@@michellefarris3961 agreed!
some of the comments on this very video are a bit concerning.
I think as you said. Your gut feeling. But unfortunately as so many people these days are really quite toxic, you can end up having to avoid an awful lot of people!
Beautifully said! 💗💯
If someone didn't want to date me because I've never been married I'd just be like byyyeeeee
I have one grandparent that lived til 108 years. She was active, happy, ate very raw & natural & was Vegan. She was Vegetarian 🌱 in her younger years.
I have another grandparent that was a Carnivore, ate a lot, suffered many ongoing health issues which affected the entire family & passed away at only age 52.
Although lifestyle choices aren’t supposedly “red flags”, they do determine a lot.
Infact, EVERYTHING.
They determine how the person will smell, their sexual functions, mental functions/ potential, confidence in how they look & feel, the attraction you could potentially feel, the way their brain 🧠 is going to function, their energy levels, likelihood of enjoying an adventurous vacation, endurance, calmness of the brain, sleep patterns, longevity, the absence of ongoing diseases is kind of important too I would guess?
The quality of life & the list goes on & on..
Hence, choosing a partner whose goals & choices are too different from yours could spell disaster in the long run.
There are many wonderful people out there, but simply the absence of abuse is setting the mark too low in choosing a life partner. Love is also being able to look outward together. ❤️❤️🤙
@dr Ramani - my mother has some narcissistic traits examples as follows, are selective memory, question avoidance, lies, vague answers to direction questions, causes pain and denies responsibility then plays the victim , goes out of her way for strangers but not family when needed for emergency purposes, so water is thicker than blood in her world, quite judgemental and superficial, hides behind her husband which is the 2nd marriage and will defend him either wrong or right and always mentions to look at his good points and disregard his bad points , constantly in denial, she feels guilty about her mother not being there when she past away many years ago. She enjoys small talk and feels very uncomfortable with deep conversation / honest talk, if there is any dramas or family disagreement she avoids and runs away. Her current husband controls everything and she is happy to take the back seat. Any guidance or advice would be greatly appreciated. The family has broken down now for about 2 years and I’m not sure it’ll ever be fixed and I have a 2 year old child.
My narc sister actually told me one time, "I'm not a deep person" when I was trying to talk to her about something. If discussions on the phone got too real for her when I was trying to share something, she always ran away with, "I've gotta go. I'll call you back." But she never would. If the drama was all about her, that was different, of course. I was all ears for her, but she wasn't for me. We are permanently No Contact on my part after the last stunt she pulled that proved she doesn't care about anyone but herself (and her 5th husband). It was SO BAD that she's lost almost all of her seven siblings.
Love this new series! It's so important to know these things. We have to be able to sort the snot from the moustache, as my mom would say. :D
Alone, healing and getting my life back. I have had enough of flying monkeys, enablers and narcissism in the workplace. Red flags all over with poor management, burnout, deaf ears to plea for annual leave, being told as nurses you are expected to work unpaid over time, giving many staff AL leaving the team dangerously low and enabling abuse. I'm free from it all. I now am smarter and will be able to spot real red flags.
I was a licensed nurse for 28 years and worked in almost every field of nursing. For 28 years, there was ALWAYS a shortage because THEY created the 'shortage' by calling people 'off' if the patient census was low. I spent 28 years trying to figure out how to NOT be a nurse. It's such an abusive field with terrible working conditions.
I just recently went on a date with someone who raged about everything.
The ice cream was the worst he ever had, the beer was too expensive, the food was awful, people drive like crazy, people walk too slow, I mean, it was a nightmare and at the end, he found one little thing about me and said, that's a big negative for him!
🤣
lucky you! he saw something in you that put up red flag in him that told him he wasn't going to be successful in running his game with you!!! you dodged a bullet right there...
@@phyllisbreese4289
Lol, yes, thank you.
The red flag about me was that I said no alcohol at my house, and no yelling we are quite neighborhood.
He then said I'm scared of my neighbors he had to whisper 🤣
@@anavoodoo7122 Yes. Narcissists can not handle when others are sensible.
Oh well. That's them, that's us.
For a moment there, I thought you were writing about my mom
@@KrazySpydrLady
Well I know they are all so much alike 😪
I think being too perfect is also a red flag. No one is perfect, so they may just be excellent at hiding their flaws before they reach their goal.
I'm a perfectionist who is also honest about my flaws I think. I'm harder on myself than other people are, other people usually think I'm very competent or just don't notice. People that think they're perfect and are definitely not worry me more.
Thank you doctor Ramani.
great video Dr. Ramani 🙏🏽 thank you.
Substance Abuse is a “Red Flag” as well.. especially if you are clean & place importance into healthy living-
Alcoholism can be a huuuuuuge “Red Flag” if you are not willing to go down that road. An alcoholic partner can poison every aspect of your life if you are unable to help them.
Hi Dr. Ramani, I’m not certain if you have a particular system for coming up with videos. Would you consider doing a video on enmeshment in families with narc tendencies? Additionally, while I have your attention: THANK YOU so much for your videos and I wish the best for you. You assist us all in cleaning up mental messes from narc experiences and are a major blessing to me, and I’m sure countless others. I hope you’re enjoying a beautiful day.
Sorry about a few of my comments a few months ago. I was impatient about getting a reply from you and wanted someone I can trust to validate my experience. But I've been thinking and keep getting this gnawing feeling that I was inconsiderate and selfish in my pursuit of it. I've been wanting to apologize but didn't have the courage to. Thank you for everything and I sincerely apologize for asking when I'll get the reply even though I understand, you're a busy person and there are a million people like me here itself that are going thru their version of hell I'm going thru. I will not take more space or time, I'd like to end this on a good note and let you know I'm here, I am sincerely sorry for being a pain in the comments (lol) and a slow learner. Sorry for writing long letters when I comment, I am not a 'commentor', so to say, I like to keep my opinions to myself. I write as if I'm talking to a person so it becomes easy to I guess. Well! See I am still over-explaining even though I know I shouldn't, but truly i am not sure how much to say or not. xx so sorry about trailing away
Thank you for everything really, just a very very big thank you. Also, ouch all this is very painful and trivial but thank you for trying to not sugarcoat it, I'd rather it comes at me straight tbh, my mind doesn't work anyways, anymore. And A warm blanket of good thoughts and feelings; love to your cat/s and everyone that you love in your life. You're an inspiration, a guide and just fkn awesome!
Thank you for doing this! There are no words to explain to you what you've done. What you've unblinded me to, it was always right there and i never saw it. It's like you've given me the book, you see! The one that shouldn't be opened and no one would let you near because everyone from generations thinks it's gods', but it's the devil's playbook. I can't explain it better tbh, I grew up in a religious household but one that was selectively religious not so much the divine but the punishing one and so on.....
Well! So much for ending it on a good note lol
But yeah, it's a good note that now I'm not scared of what I've always been scared of because I'm going thru it, all my life have and was absolutely absofuckinlutely blind to it and followed the damned rules tried everything but nothing worked. Nothing made sense. Now it does, not all but some and that's the most freeing thing (also the scariest thing cause that's all I knew/known for the past 27 years now) but it's freeing to know what it is. Thank you so much 🙌❤️
I appreciate that you post topics outlining what is NOT narcissism. Pairing your content with Dr. Todd Grande gives good guidance on curbing the overwhelming stance that the entire world is narcissistic. While traits abound in this world of rebuilding, if we hold strong and heal our coping abilities we can overcome the hardships of bad social habits.
I had some success encouraging others to talk w professionals by saying that when I went to counseling I discovered some of my "social bad habits". That phrase includes me in citing some problems and had a much better result as far as getting a few family members to slow down and think with me about how to solve some issues making us uncomfortable.
There are some exmilitary and currently enlisted family members running high on duty and false senses of duty. Being old school bullies. And it's clearly the culture of the services! Especially the marines. We had to tell them "WE ARE CIVILIANS! THE ONLY WAR HERE IS IN YOUR HEAD! GET HELP!!! Not going to tolerate a drill sergent raising voice under my roof. Take that back to the barracks boys. This is mom's house!
I had a close friend that used to be my ex wife, known each other for 25 years with the last 9 years being friends. I considered her at this point my closest and only friend.
She told me with one days notice that she had met someone and on the same day stopped responding to all my emails. As if I was nothing and never mattered.
I must admit I got pretty mad about the whole thing and I even admit I created a website so when her name is searched all the things I wanted her to read would appear.
I then finished that and after reading stuff on attachment types and knowing the history of her childhood where she was forced to fend for herself,
I initially thought that she behaved very much like a narcissist however it just did not fit because she is actually a very kind and thoughtful person. Just the way she did not tell me for a year and then gave me a days notice before ghosting seemed very harsh.
She is most definitiely the dismissive avoidant type & ticks every box at the extreme end. I then thought well if I believe these & I know about her childhood stuff which apparently is what causes this type then how can I hold her responsible for doing something that is within her nature.
I also read all the stuff I wrote and I just remember thinking what sort of loser would do this so I removed it all & just left a brief note saying I wish she had have done things differently and let me exit gracefully.
Still painful but I am sure it will get easier.
Is it not also red flags when you adress needs and boundaries (via letters cause bringing it up face to face got too difficult and dramatic) and it is not responded or commented on. ....simply just ignored?
Is it red flags that you never get praised or acknowledged for things you have done to surprise and make him happy? In my relationship I think the red flags or narcissistic traits were more the things not said and not done....not meeting my feelings, not showing interest in my day or life, not wanting or taking initiatives to physical contact (hugs, cuddeling, kissing) not doing anything to make me feel important, loved or cared for...when we had discussions and he got upset he would say that he felt disgusted with me...things like that....(and he never apologised) but it was much more the things NOT said and done that made me feel devalued and not good enough.
I think a lot of Mike from 90 day fiance... he wouldn't give his fiance a drawer unt she begged him and didn't want to, was super passive agreasive, vindictive ans cruel and lacking empathy ... his dismissiveness to her needs from her arrival were so mean-spirited ans intentional and thrn he payed victim... this type of not meeting needs definitely is.
My Grandfather Said Beating His Wife With Severe Dementia (Long After She Apologized And Was Crying On The Floor) To Teach Her A Lesson Was A Difference Of Opinion And So Did My Mother.
I feel like we as a society have become too judgemental. I see it in myself sometimes and it's not something I like. I'd like to work on assuming the best from people and allow them to prove me wrong, instead of looking for red flags..thank you, Dr. Ramani