Wow, I have found this very honest open talk immensely helpful, and I am 71 (and gay). Many many thanks for making this video. I would like to add that I think what you are describing is not just a gay issue, but a general societal issue. I get the impression watching others, that loneliness is a part of the modern western human condition. Being gay, or being from another minority group makes dealing with loneliness more problematic though. Your descriptions of feeling rejection after investing in others is very telling to me though. It doesn't necessarily get easier, (I am elderly, gay, HIVpoz and live in a rural community), for me though, such difficult feelings are something that come and go seemingly without pattern. Challenges in life are something we need to face and go through, knowing that we have good days and bad days.
You are doing well by putting out this vid. Over the years I learned to accept loneliness. I have no friends and I find comfort in food and porn. This vid is not depressing, I see it as a way of you healing yourself and that is way better than what I do. Good on you to share this as others would feel the same. All the best to you.
Thanks a lot Michael! I have definitely learnt to accept loneliness a lot more recently, and trying to find more enjoyment in doing the things I love on my own.
I love this sweetie. You are an open book and one of the reasons why I conncet so well with you is because everything you say makes so much sense. Loneliness is one of the biggest issues nowadays and internet is not helping.
You're saying the same words I would say, and I think we all felt similar waves of emotions over the last disruptive years. I have become majorly isolated, and tired. Letting go of friends and sad at how easy that is. You are very authentic and honest here without being bitter, which means you still have capacity for hope. 💕
@@saharkhalili5303 Hey there :) thanks so much for your comment! Friendship breakups are definitely a hard one to get over, but always keep hope for the future 😊
@uptoncriddington6939 That is so true! I think one of the lessons I've learnt is that it's ok not to expect the same amount back from someone you're giving, and many people are just meant to become acquaintances.
Oof, I can relate so much to this as a lonely queer guy with ADHD. Thank you for speaking about this, funnily enough, it made me feel a little less alone to know I'm not alone in feeling so lonely. I subscribed right away and I'm looking forward to checking out more of your content. Thank you for making this podcast and for talking about your experiences and I'm really sorry about what you went through with that "friend" group after experiencing something so awful, btw. I've been SA'd before and I believe you and I'm sorry they didn't and treated you that way instead. My heart goes out to you and I hope some good friends come into your life soon, you deserve them.
Thanks so much for the support Nick :) I´m really sorry to hear you have been through a similar experience! but hopefully brighter days are on the way for both of us 💕
I'm 6 minutes in and your story has me in tears. They're not from pity but from recognition. I too have wondered: "Why?" "What's wrong with me?" "Why can't things be different?* "How is this fair and if nothing's fair what's the point of trying to be a good person?" I understand my friends (all two of them) have their own lives, their own issues, but why can't they find time to be like we used to be! (Covid screwed us all in so many ways!) Sometimes, I get too into my head and wonder if I signed up for this life in a previous existence. Are we in a computer program and if so, who the hell wrote my character? Sorry if my droning on isn't relatable. I'm much older than you, straight, and female. I've never been out of North America. I guess I just wanted you to realize you aren't alone. It feels like it but that's what happens when you're highly sensitive, an introverted creative, and "smarter than the average bear". It's a blessing and a curse. So here's what I'm trying to do: 🔹I'm not helping myself by expecting anything to be different if I don't change my attitude. 🔹That being said, if it ain't broke don't fix it. But if I'm so happy with who I am, why am I so miserable? 🔹I have enjoyed opening myself up to new ideas and different ways of looking at things. I used to beat myself up for saying sorry all the time (i still do it) but I learned it's a habit learned in childhood. Understanding my enneagram & personality type was helpful. (I'm currently figuring out how relevant chí & blocked chakras are to my wellbeing.) I've come to accept I am never going to get married or have kids -- I don't like it but what a relief that I'm not wondering if he's the one or why doesn't he call back? (You're still young so I wouldn't write off true love yet.) It's just feels amazing not to be burdened by expectations. 🔹 I've started to enjoy my life now that I am not trying to live up to expectations (mine or Society's). 🔹And finally, give yourself a break. You're not perfect, you're never going to be perfect, and nobody on this planet is perfect either. So nobody has the right to judge you, not even you. Thanks for giving me space to ramble on. I hope something helps; you've helped me. Thanks for posting it. 💟☮️
Hey there, thanks so much for your response ☺ I´m sorry to hear that you are in a similar boat, I definitely agree on the covid curse as it felt like a lot of friends who were in relationships or a good place in their career really thrived in that time, and I didn´t, so following on its like those years just evaporated. I think you hit the nail on the head with finding enjoyment without the expectations people put on us. It definitely can be a lonely ride sometimes but in not having the pressure of dating there can be a lot of joy built on our own. Here´s to a much better 2025!
@TheQueernessDiaries 🥂i appreciate the reply. Your "lonely ride" comment made me think of road trips -- music blasting, singing at the top of my lungs and driving like a bat outta hell cause it's just me and the road. As you're in Europe, will you be pedaling like mad, singing Puccini or Brecht & Weill?
thank u for this! I've had this problem all my life... I feel like everyone will abandon me and that I can't have trust in anyone because I always give so much and get little back although I don't have such high standards from my friends. It is a prevalent feeling in the community to consistently feel disconnected and emotionally dysregulated but it's also very normal because so many of us have to hide and isolate to survive or feel safe. The best thing any of us can do is to be active, have hobbies, travel, and test ourselves constantly by booking random voluntary trips for example, or joining book clubs idk lol. I really hope we can find the right people who are our safe space, who inspire us and make us feel seen, heard and supported
That´s so true! I think the best thing to do is to live as full of a life as possible by finding the enjoyment in the things we enjoy, and then if we meet people along the way that add to it it´s a bonus! :)
I've never seen your content before but I'm so glad you popped up in my feed and that I watched this whole video. I've never resonated more with an online stranger's story before. You are absolutely right that SO MANY people are struggling with this. It's so difficult in the world, especially post-2020 and ESPECIALLY in the gay community to find meaningful connection and conversation. It's easy to find hooks up and people to party with but that is not fulfilling and just leaves us craving real connection even more and feeling lonelier. Please don't ever apologize for sharing your truth and don't ever feel like you're being "depressing" or "too much". I hope that you remove yourself from the lives of anyone who makes you feel like a burden or doesn't show up for you the way you do for them. I know that's so hard when we want to remain connected to what we have and what's familiar but believe me when I say that that is how you reprogram those limiting thoughts about yourself. Those type of one-sided relationships only reinforce the negative thought. Releasing them is how you show YOURSELF that you are worth more effort deserve to be treated as a priority the way you do for others. It also makes room for the people who are going to treat you well to come in to your life. I too wish there were a better or easier way for us to find each other and connect but maybe if enough of us want it, we will develop a way.
Thanks so much for your kind words :) I definitely relate that since covid, the disconnect has just been so big and all I have is the nostalgia for pre covid days for the simpler times. You are so right, I had to accept that my friendships here were surface level and I was investing emotionally into people that only cared to talk about sex, parties and gay events which is fine...but outside of the nightlife/scene they were never there, I realised when anything negative happened in my life none of them checked in whilst I was always there for them, and so gradually I distanced myself and noticed if I didn´t message they never messaged, so that was the confirmation I needed to have to do a reset and start over here.
@@TheQueernessDiaries exactly! So glad you made that decision and hope you understand that they have their own issues preventing them from connecting on a deeper level and showing up for you the way you need. They're (probably) not bad people and it's DEFINITELY not because you aren't good enough or worth the effort. You're just not at the same place and thus incompatible but we all want connection so we settle. Please don't go chasing the good old days! It only gets better! ☺️🌄❤️🔥 ua-cam.com/video/x71dDdmJaPk/v-deo.htmlsi=8fCL3BQ-APFamaSD
I've been dealing with the same thing, I've delt with depression and suicidal ideation for 10 years now because of the loneliness, I thought I'd graduate from my catholic high school and go to college and meet gay people there, and be able to get a high paying job to move to a city. But none of that ever happened, between my adhd and covid happening right as I entered I just couldn't keep up with college no matter how hard I tried, not even a community college. I've gone down a very dark path the past few years, I was very addicted to porn and weed but I've been trying to replace those with lifting and art. Still it's not enough, I still live with my parents at 24 and feel like a child. On the brightside, the only thing I could think to do is follow my dreams, I'm making a comic, something I always wanted to do, but it seems like being an artist unlocks a whole new level of anxiety. I don't even look at the apps anymore I think I probably have rsd too, though everyone I match with is like 3 hours away anyway. I'm still young, I feel like I'm wasting my youth like I could be doing better but everything I try it just feels like I slide right back down into this hole. I never imagined my life would turn out like this.
@19mduffy I'm sorry to hear you are going through it right now. Definitely keep it up with the comic as you never know where it could lead, and the skills we learn along the way
@19mduffy I'm sorry to hear you are going through it right now, sending love from Spain. Definitely keep up with the comic as you never know where it could lead and you can make a portfolio showing your art. Even though my video was a depressive rant I can relate to you a lot as I was in the same position at 24. At 24 I was extremely depressed in my small town with no way of escape, and even though things have not had the best turn as in my vid, I was 25 when I packed up and moved to Madrid. So there is always the chance to start up a new life :)
@@TheQueernessDiaries Thank you for the reply, I'll keep on keepin on, I wish the best for you too. I find a strange irony in that we can find such comradery through sharing our feelings through a platform that also serves to distract us from real life and separate us. I think you're using it in a positive way and I hope you've found meaning in that, I think we need more of this kind of thing.
Hey man…Thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities and I applaud you for being self aware. I experienced this and the loneliness still comes and I’ve been single for quite a while now and it’s hard specially with the gay male community to find connections and even dating. But pls be strong and don’t loose hope and stay true to you and don’t be afraid to set your boundaries and lean into your self worth regardless of how alone we feel… the right people will come along eventually. Sending love❤
Thanks so much for your kind words :) I can relate with the gay dating world, I think setting my boundaries is what has caused this loneliness as I am so careful of who is genuinely coming into my life, which can be make it isolating, but hopefully rewarding for the future!
just drop your trousers mate and a little buggery will surely come along. Buggering after all is what its all about so by george off you go and be quick at it.
Feeling disconnected with the world is a getting older thing and nothing really to do with being homosexual. Being a teen or early twenties you feel part of the world: the music, the nightlife, the fashion are all youth orientated. One loses that doing things as a gang experience. All with basically the same tastes etc. Being an adult, if you’re not in a family unit, no matter what form that takes, is a lonely thing. The culture surrounding you stops being a crutch, or rather, that culture evaporates as the next generation steps out in its new fashions and passions.
It's insane to me that the loneliness that you can feel when you are on your own is less painful than being the loneliness that you feel when you are in a group of 'friends'
Hello Conor, i went back to your first video to look up your name as they are important, for identity, but also as a powerful gateway to open the lines of communication, likely as it's been the familiar static for all of your life. i'm glad you're doing your diary and i feel like connecting to humans in any way is good for you, it has been for me when i help people, worldwide, and loneliness is a worldwide problem, please do not feel solo in it. i sympathise, directly, with the disappointment of putting energy into people and them vanishing, even that pre-diagnosed autistic little boy i used to look after on a Wednesday after school, with my own kids, who was a real challenge..., you leave the area, country in my case, the parents stop replying. i get you. i mourn the not-yet-dead octogenarian-American-friend, Jack, who stopped replying, every time i want to send him something on the ever dementing American politic situation. solution? i expect nothing back now, even of my romantic partners, when you split up, 'hell hath no fury', no good deed will be remembered, at least not at first.... I do things for 'my own' endorphins, 'my own' dopamine, my own satisfaction. that is key. i should divulge, if still reading..., that i'm not an expert, i'm writing a relationship book, which focuses on self improvement, first, before meeting 'anyone'. the last nearly two years, since my own awful breakup, visible-crepitus-heartbreak included, sympathy again, but find it's been rewarding to connect and help people and i no longer even feel a need to dig out a partner from dating detritus.... another key would be to do things for others, strangers, maybe that elderly neighbour downstairs likely has some great, distracting, maybe slightly rude stories. i also wonder why you've found yourself in a foreign country, i write about connecting with 'the girl next door' so, similar background, same language, race, culture, education, intellect, anything out of your own 'similarity', becomes an 'incompatibility', and it's already hard enough to meet and live with another human as it is. short of 'the cops' being after you in England... i would return in order to find your 'boy next door'. your video diary is one thing, but i would also encourage journaling with more tactile media (pen and paper) you can read more, but essentially it moves a body trauma into a more cerebral place, that process allows you to process and therefore placate and calm the anxiety. speaking of this, your ADHD symptoms, (or Hyper Vigilance as i call it), this is likely trauma based, i hear about your recent adult trauma, your recent relationship trauma, but healing that childhood trauma would be a key turning point in your life, talk therapy would be indicated, firstly, as always. clean Diet(low carb), clean lifestyle(no addictive molecules) and training with weights (for all humans) are the fundamentals for good brain health. lots of wider reading there. i'll read the Washington Post article on Gay Loneliness and see if i can help further in that specific regard, however, i feel loneliness is a general human issue as others have said here. (PS i'm looking for an editor/readers too if you want to help, again, helping others is the single best thing for depressive episodes, as well as the above neurotransmitters you also get oxytocin and serotonin - pretty much everything you could want, just from helping others). Sincerely, humbley, hope that helps, Anton - (i'll be in touch with the paperwork).
Hey Anton, thanks so much for the comment and sharing your story! I think one thing many of us can relate to, but isn´t discussed enough can be friendship breakups. There is no guidebook on how to deal with them, and often they sting even more than a normal breakup that usually has closure and some finality to it, so navigating life after them whilst remembering the good times can be a challenge. I definitely think focusing on a healthy lifestyle helps a lot, from keeping up with the gym to diet, I definitely am feeling a little better since cutting out alcohol in the summer, though feelings of loss and grief still hit at times.
I know a lot can happen in a few months, so maybe you're in a completely different place today. Since you didn't seam very satisfied with how it was, I hope so for you. Anyway - thank you for sharing this video. Loneliness is such a taboo topic (both in general and in. the LGBTQ+ community) and to me it's been so hard to even think in terms of loneliness for myself. So, thank you for being part of opening up for this kind of conversations, and to do it completely honest and not to hide it in a humorous tone or what so ever. It will take time to heal from that kind of trauma, but you'll get there, bit by bit ❤ and the s*it we don't heal from, we learn to live with in one way or another. (Btw I loved what you said about the most broken people giving the best advices since we're so used to it). And I really hope you've found a way without substances (oversharing: my ex was addicted to meds and alcohol, and it was terrible standing by her side feeling so powerless. That's why my heart's always aching when I hear people that can't find any other way to cope). And gosh, I just mirror myself in you so much when you're talking about being a bit "rushed" in new relationships and always thinking it is (about to become) a real friendship. I've worked so hard the past couple of years to not get too clingy. But that feels so strange too, to purposely building a wall from both sides so I won't scare people away by coming off as expecting more than they're willing to give. And tbh, I think that's made me kind of cold and distanced even to those I do have around. There's definitely something off with that true and deep connection you were talking about, and I miss it sooooo bad. Guess I'm kinda oversharing right now, but here y'all go 🙈 Btw - you wanted your podcast to fly, so what's it called? ☺
@mikaelathunell2822 Hey there. Thanks so much for your comment, it really resonated with me a lot! And its definitely something that you just get used to more I guess. I've really worked this year on trying to enjoy my own company a lot more and learning to do the things I love to do on my own, so if I meet new friends it's just a bonus.
@@mikaelathunell2822 And definitely know that feeling of rushing into new friendships then not wanting to come across clingy. I am definitely trying to work on finding a balance between feeling like I'm forcing the relationship and appearing cold/uninterested from putting my walls up too much.
I think this is more common than we think, I do emphatise with you and feel the same way at times. Since having dogs though, I have been thinking of it less and diverted my focus on me and my dogs, the people that are there, and hopefully, the right people or friends will come to my life one day.
I know how you feel. I am hypersensitive. I have felt this way at first. My last group of friends I hung out often with was ALSO back in 2015. Interesting. I am a straight female. Dude.. it IS never enough. People are also scared to open up these days. Straight dudes play this facade of confidence that immediately irritates me. Your own company is precious , embrace the happiness of your own solace. You are awesome.. I can tell.. reserve that awesome energy for people worthy of that energy but that starts with focusing that energy on yourself and enjoying life solo.
@SaturnCrashing Yeah its always sad drifting apart from a group of friends. Its very true that finding joy in the things you love to do on your own is super important, if we meet anyone to enjoy them with along the way thats a bonus!
The last time I had a true core group of friends, including a couple of gay friends, was in high school. I moved countries for university and made "friends" that were not actually friends, except for one person who is terribly and wonderfully chaotic, which means we don't talk often, but when we do, it's really deep and fulfilling. Since then, I've just had trouble building real relationships with people because I'm a bit of an introvert and it's just tough to find a good balance between frequent social interaction and solitary time to recharge and just be in silence. I really only have a possibility of work friendships, which can sometimes feel like an extension of work. Gay friendships are kind of impossible because hookup culture has almost totally destroyed gay spaces and I don't really want to go on a date to see if it doesn't work out romantically, but we might possibly be able to become friends. Like, it's a lot, so I've kind of just pulled back and become friends with my family, which is great but also difficult to navigate because family sometimes loves to tear down your independence without even realizing it. I feel like if I was a woman, this would be so much easier to figure out.
I can definitely relate to building friendships with family. I think friendship grief can hit really hard and for me it is definitely been a mourning process letting go on the friendships that were once so close 5...10 years ago
I hope you’re are feeling more clarity around this of course it’s a journey and I think it absolutely has taken courage to speak about your experiences and open up, it touches people - watching this is made me feel a little less alone with similar experiences I felt I could relate to a lot of what you were saying as a gay man even down to how you articulate things ! does this account have an Instagram account or podcast ? ☺️
Hey Christian, thanks so much for your comment :) I am definitely feeling better these days than when I made the video, but I left it up as it´s an important one about how friendship breakups sometimes sting the most. I haven´t made an instagram for the podcast yet just a spotify account and then my regular insta :)
Hello! I suffered the same kind of isolation during a chaotic time in my life. I still feel the consequences, and I still tend to distance myself from people. I realize that it is common in our 30s. I also realize that I need to change the way I approach people. I'm usually feeling some kind of reactivity, anger, hurt, and other feelings of defensiveness. Natural for anyone who has felt strongly coerced at some point in their life, or throughout their life (common in the gay experience and other experiences of exclusion). Furthermore, reviewing behaviors is always interesting, as it shows humility in the desire to be open with people. Realize that ADHD provides another level of experience with life, and if you are not in a good place, the mess and internal disorder become an avalanche. It is always important to be in psychological support and taking care of the bodies where we live (physical body, our home and other spaces we occupy). It is important to understand why we feel needy and empty, so we can use this self-consciousness to move us through life and as a driving force for a turning point about self love. I know it's a cliché, but it really worked for me to learn to look fondly at the inner child that I still am, who felt and still feels rejected, and embrace it. Only we ourselves can do this difficult work. Still, this may not be enough, and that is why the journey continues and we must always seek to improve ourselves, even if this improvement involves learning to respect our processes. I believe that when we learn (or remember) how to love, we connect with people who also want to share love. Ultimately, I believe that the way of life and values we live in this current society has been a great source of isolation and sadness. I have tried to go against this wave, having attitudes that are coherent with my feelings of positive affection, being a proponent of a different world, and no longer a passive person who is just thrown from one side to the other in this sea of people who are fighting each other trying to get rid of your resentments. I know that I won't always receive immediate feedback from those who receive this affection, but I know that my actions resonate and if there's more people doing the same, in someway I will receive it back. And I have trained myself to be ok and happy that I don't feel anxious about receiving it back immediataly, as long as it doesn't harm me, of course (always remember self-love). Thanks for to be here sharing.
Hey Felipe, thank you for sharing such a thoughtful and vulnerable reflection, it means a lot! I think one of the most difficult things as we go into our 30s as gay men, can be that longing for younger days and feeling more disconnected around our friends who are settling down with families. And when chaotic times have shaped the last few years, it can lead to an even bigger yearning for the old days whilst being very hesitant to open up around new people due to the rejection experienced in those hard times. I think it´s very true that as seek to improve ourselves, we start setting ourselves up for better relationships in the future, and a lot of the friendships we lost along the way just served their purpose for that chapter of our lives.
The problem for gays is that we live in a ghetto clubs ,and meetings we do not have contact with the whole world, only with each other. Our loneliness results from this fact.
I am in the same place and have been it seems forever. Loneliness is a painful and tortuous place to exist. I find I can go a week without speaking. I can’t comment further it’s too hard. I will again.
I’m totally convinced that it’s difficult/ impossible to have a friendship with another gay guy. Just as I think it’s the same with straight guys and women ..
Hint, there is no such thing as the Gay Community. It’s merely an activist notion which doesn’t really fit a lot of gay people because people are people first not who they are attracted to first.
Hi, I recently attended a course about Core Transformation, which is all about transforming unwanted emotions, behaviours or thoughts. The basic idea is that every part of ourselves has a positive intention, and in fact wants some core state of beingness, such as love, peace, oneness etc. If you are curious about it or would like to talk, let me know. You seem pretty cool, and I would like to be friends if you are open to that, and I could also use the practice of guiding people through core transformation if that is something you are potentially interested in. I am in New Zealand so time zones might make things interesting, but if it seems like something you might be open to, let me know.
Hey there, thanks a lot for your comment. That sounds like it was an incredible experience for you, I am happy it has had such a great impact and the emphasis of positive intention. I´m definitely in a better place than when I made this video myself but still a journey to go yet :) And yes always happy to meet new friends for all over!
@@TheQueernessDiaries Awesome! I am super glad that you are in a better place now!!! I watched a more recent video of you doing a podcast and you seemed a lot happier. I only really discovered podcasts recently, when watching the hundredth episode of Where are all my friends. I think it is a really cool format, people sharing life experiences, and a lot of times seems like entertaining conversations between friends. So fantastic that you are a podcaster! My name is Raymond, I usually go by Ray. Thank you very much for your reply!!! Would love to chat with you sometime. :)
@teselentai9104 Yes definitely feeling better than in the Spring thank you :) Having a podcast/vlog is definitely a great way to engage with people from the community, and also have important discussions along the way. I was surprised how many people hace been through something similar. And for sure, very nice to virtually meet you Ray :)!
Hey James :) thanks a lot for your comment, I am feeling in a better place than when I filmed the video luckily, still have lonely days but have gotten more at peace with it.
Do the people you want to be friends with have to fellow gay men? If so, the basis of the commonality is his also being gay, that isn’t likely to be enough for the basis of a deeper more meaningful friendship. I’m gay but don’t have gay friends per se, but among my friends are a few gay men. What about common interests beyond being sexually attracted to men?
Maybe its time to search for a faith community that works for. Because I believe in God and that he is real I talk to him all the time and listen to gospel music all the time. It makes me happy
With every passing year, more people will reject us and ignore us - this is why youth was a precious time that is quickly lost
Wow, I have found this very honest open talk immensely helpful, and I am 71 (and gay). Many many thanks for making this video. I would like to add that I think what you are describing is not just a gay issue, but a general societal issue. I get the impression watching others, that loneliness is a part of the modern western human condition. Being gay, or being from another minority group makes dealing with loneliness more problematic though. Your descriptions of feeling rejection after investing in others is very telling to me though. It doesn't necessarily get easier, (I am elderly, gay, HIVpoz and live in a rural community), for me though, such difficult feelings are something that come and go seemingly without pattern. Challenges in life are something we need to face and go through, knowing that we have good days and bad days.
I'm gay, and physically disabled. I know how you feel!!
You are doing well by putting out this vid. Over the years I learned to accept loneliness. I have no friends and I find comfort in food and porn. This vid is not depressing, I see it as a way of you healing yourself and that is way better than what I do. Good on you to share this as others would feel the same. All the best to you.
Thanks a lot Michael! I have definitely learnt to accept loneliness a lot more recently, and trying to find more enjoyment in doing the things I love on my own.
Amen 🙏
I love this sweetie. You are an open book and one of the reasons why I conncet so well with you is because everything you say makes so much sense. Loneliness is one of the biggest issues nowadays and internet is not helping.
Thanks so much hun
You're saying the same words I would say, and I think we all felt similar waves of emotions over the last disruptive years. I have become majorly isolated, and tired. Letting go of friends and sad at how easy that is. You are very authentic and honest here without being bitter, which means you still have capacity for hope. 💕
@@saharkhalili5303 Hey there :) thanks so much for your comment! Friendship breakups are definitely a hard one to get over, but always keep hope for the future 😊
The opening two minutes could not have described my life any better.
Friendship takes work from both sides. When it’s genuine it becomes play, not work.
@uptoncriddington6939 That is so true! I think one of the lessons I've learnt is that it's ok not to expect the same amount back from someone you're giving, and many people are just meant to become acquaintances.
Oof, I can relate so much to this as a lonely queer guy with ADHD. Thank you for speaking about this, funnily enough, it made me feel a little less alone to know I'm not alone in feeling so lonely. I subscribed right away and I'm looking forward to checking out more of your content.
Thank you for making this podcast and for talking about your experiences and I'm really sorry about what you went through with that "friend" group after experiencing something so awful, btw. I've been SA'd before and I believe you and I'm sorry they didn't and treated you that way instead. My heart goes out to you and I hope some good friends come into your life soon, you deserve them.
Thanks so much for the support Nick :)
I´m really sorry to hear you have been through a similar experience! but hopefully brighter days are on the way for both of us 💕
I'm 6 minutes in and your story has me in tears. They're not from pity but from recognition. I too have wondered: "Why?" "What's wrong with me?" "Why can't things be different?* "How is this fair and if nothing's fair what's the point of trying to be a good person?"
I understand my friends (all two of them) have their own lives, their own issues, but why can't they find time to be like we used to be! (Covid screwed us all in so many ways!)
Sometimes, I get too into my head and wonder if I signed up for this life in a previous existence. Are we in a computer program and if so, who the hell wrote my character?
Sorry if my droning on isn't relatable. I'm much older than you, straight, and female. I've never been out of North America.
I guess I just wanted you to realize you aren't alone. It feels like it but that's what happens when you're highly sensitive, an introverted creative, and "smarter than the average bear". It's a blessing and a curse.
So here's what I'm trying to do:
🔹I'm not helping myself by expecting anything to be different if I don't change my attitude. 🔹That being said, if it ain't broke don't fix it. But if I'm so happy with who I am, why am I so miserable?
🔹I have enjoyed opening myself up to new ideas and different ways of looking at things.
I used to beat myself up for saying sorry all the time (i still do it) but I learned it's a habit learned in childhood. Understanding my enneagram & personality type was helpful. (I'm currently figuring out how relevant chí & blocked chakras are to my wellbeing.)
I've come to accept I am never going to get married or have kids -- I don't like it but what a relief that I'm not wondering if he's the one or why doesn't he call back?
(You're still young so I wouldn't write off true love yet.) It's just feels amazing not to be burdened by expectations.
🔹 I've started to enjoy my life now that I am not trying to live up to expectations (mine or Society's).
🔹And finally, give yourself a break. You're not perfect, you're never going to be perfect, and nobody on this planet is perfect either. So nobody has the right to judge you, not even you.
Thanks for giving me space to ramble on. I hope something helps; you've helped me. Thanks for posting it. 💟☮️
Hey there, thanks so much for your response ☺
I´m sorry to hear that you are in a similar boat, I definitely agree on the covid curse as it felt like a lot of friends who were in relationships or a good place in their career really thrived in that time, and I didn´t, so following on its like those years just evaporated.
I think you hit the nail on the head with finding enjoyment without the expectations people put on us. It definitely can be a lonely ride sometimes but in not having the pressure of dating there can be a lot of joy built on our own. Here´s to a much better 2025!
@TheQueernessDiaries 🥂i appreciate the reply. Your "lonely ride" comment made me think of road trips -- music blasting, singing at the top of my lungs and driving like a bat outta hell cause it's just me and the road. As you're in Europe, will you be pedaling like mad, singing Puccini or Brecht & Weill?
thank u for this! I've had this problem all my life... I feel like everyone will abandon me and that I can't have trust in anyone because I always give so much and get little back although I don't have such high standards from my friends. It is a prevalent feeling in the community to consistently feel disconnected and emotionally dysregulated but it's also very normal because so many of us have to hide and isolate to survive or feel safe. The best thing any of us can do is to be active, have hobbies, travel, and test ourselves constantly by booking random voluntary trips for example, or joining book clubs idk lol. I really hope we can find the right people who are our safe space, who inspire us and make us feel seen, heard and supported
That´s so true! I think the best thing to do is to live as full of a life as possible by finding the enjoyment in the things we enjoy, and then if we meet people along the way that add to it it´s a bonus! :)
I've never seen your content before but I'm so glad you popped up in my feed and that I watched this whole video. I've never resonated more with an online stranger's story before. You are absolutely right that SO MANY people are struggling with this. It's so difficult in the world, especially post-2020 and ESPECIALLY in the gay community to find meaningful connection and conversation. It's easy to find hooks up and people to party with but that is not fulfilling and just leaves us craving real connection even more and feeling lonelier. Please don't ever apologize for sharing your truth and don't ever feel like you're being "depressing" or "too much". I hope that you remove yourself from the lives of anyone who makes you feel like a burden or doesn't show up for you the way you do for them. I know that's so hard when we want to remain connected to what we have and what's familiar but believe me when I say that that is how you reprogram those limiting thoughts about yourself. Those type of one-sided relationships only reinforce the negative thought. Releasing them is how you show YOURSELF that you are worth more effort deserve to be treated as a priority the way you do for others. It also makes room for the people who are going to treat you well to come in to your life. I too wish there were a better or easier way for us to find each other and connect but maybe if enough of us want it, we will develop a way.
Thanks so much for your kind words :) I definitely relate that since covid, the disconnect has just been so big and all I have is the nostalgia for pre covid days for the simpler times. You are so right, I had to accept that my friendships here were surface level and I was investing emotionally into people that only cared to talk about sex, parties and gay events which is fine...but outside of the nightlife/scene they were never there, I realised when anything negative happened in my life none of them checked in whilst I was always there for them, and so gradually I distanced myself and noticed if I didn´t message they never messaged, so that was the confirmation I needed to have to do a reset and start over here.
@@TheQueernessDiaries exactly! So glad you made that decision and hope you understand that they have their own issues preventing them from connecting on a deeper level and showing up for you the way you need. They're (probably) not bad people and it's DEFINITELY not because you aren't good enough or worth the effort. You're just not at the same place and thus incompatible but we all want connection so we settle. Please don't go chasing the good old days! It only gets better! ☺️🌄❤️🔥 ua-cam.com/video/x71dDdmJaPk/v-deo.htmlsi=8fCL3BQ-APFamaSD
I decided the only friends I have are my money.They never dissapoint.
I've been dealing with the same thing, I've delt with depression and suicidal ideation for 10 years now because of the loneliness, I thought I'd graduate from my catholic high school and go to college and meet gay people there, and be able to get a high paying job to move to a city. But none of that ever happened, between my adhd and covid happening right as I entered I just couldn't keep up with college no matter how hard I tried, not even a community college. I've gone down a very dark path the past few years, I was very addicted to porn and weed but I've been trying to replace those with lifting and art. Still it's not enough, I still live with my parents at 24 and feel like a child. On the brightside, the only thing I could think to do is follow my dreams, I'm making a comic, something I always wanted to do, but it seems like being an artist unlocks a whole new level of anxiety. I don't even look at the apps anymore I think I probably have rsd too, though everyone I match with is like 3 hours away anyway. I'm still young, I feel like I'm wasting my youth like I could be doing better but everything I try it just feels like I slide right back down into this hole. I never imagined my life would turn out like this.
@19mduffy I'm sorry to hear you are going through it right now. Definitely keep it up with the comic as you never know where it could lead, and the skills we learn along the way
@19mduffy I'm sorry to hear you are going through it right now, sending love from Spain. Definitely keep up with the comic as you never know where it could lead and you can make a portfolio showing your art. Even though my video was a depressive rant I can relate to you a lot as I was in the same position at 24. At 24 I was extremely depressed in my small town with no way of escape, and even though things have not had the best turn as in my vid, I was 25 when I packed up and moved to Madrid. So there is always the chance to start up a new life :)
@@TheQueernessDiaries Thank you for the reply, I'll keep on keepin on, I wish the best for you too. I find a strange irony in that we can find such comradery through sharing our feelings through a platform that also serves to distract us from real life and separate us. I think you're using it in a positive way and I hope you've found meaning in that, I think we need more of this kind of thing.
The way you articulate, shows you're very intelligent!
Male loneliness more broadly is a serious and growing problem... it's much easier for women to be wanted by others
Hey man…Thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities and I applaud you for being self aware. I experienced this and the loneliness still comes and I’ve been single for quite a while now and it’s hard specially with the gay male community to find connections and even dating. But pls be strong and don’t loose hope and stay true to you and don’t be afraid to set your boundaries and lean into your self worth regardless of how alone we feel… the right people will come along eventually. Sending love❤
Thanks so much for your kind words :) I can relate with the gay dating world, I think setting my boundaries is what has caused this loneliness as I am so careful of who is genuinely coming into my life, which can be make it isolating, but hopefully rewarding for the future!
just drop your trousers mate and a little buggery will surely come along. Buggering after all is what its all about so by george off you go and be quick at it.
Feeling disconnected with the world is a getting older thing and nothing really to do with being homosexual. Being a teen or early twenties you feel part of the world: the music, the nightlife, the fashion are all youth orientated. One loses that doing things as a gang experience. All with basically the same tastes etc. Being an adult, if you’re not in a family unit, no matter what form that takes, is a lonely thing. The culture surrounding you stops being a crutch, or rather, that culture evaporates as the next generation steps out in its new fashions and passions.
It's insane to me that the loneliness that you can feel when you are on your own is less painful than being the loneliness that you feel when you are in a group of 'friends'
So true! it´s always sad when it happens in friendships.
Hello Conor,
i went back to your first video to look up your name as they are important, for identity, but also as a powerful gateway to open the lines of communication, likely as it's been the familiar static for all of your life.
i'm glad you're doing your diary and i feel like connecting to humans in any way is good for you, it has been for me when i help people, worldwide, and loneliness is a worldwide problem, please do not feel solo in it.
i sympathise, directly, with the disappointment of putting energy into people and them vanishing, even that pre-diagnosed autistic little boy i used to look after on a Wednesday after school, with my own kids, who was a real challenge..., you leave the area, country in my case, the parents stop replying.
i get you.
i mourn the not-yet-dead octogenarian-American-friend, Jack, who stopped replying, every time i want to send him something on the ever dementing American politic situation.
solution?
i expect nothing back now, even of my romantic partners, when you split up, 'hell hath no fury', no good deed will be remembered, at least not at first....
I do things for 'my own' endorphins, 'my own' dopamine, my own satisfaction.
that is key.
i should divulge, if still reading..., that i'm not an expert, i'm writing a relationship book, which focuses on self improvement, first, before meeting 'anyone'. the last nearly two years, since my own awful breakup, visible-crepitus-heartbreak included, sympathy again, but find it's been rewarding to connect and help people and i no longer even feel a need to dig out a partner from dating detritus....
another key would be to do things for others, strangers, maybe that elderly neighbour downstairs likely has some great, distracting, maybe slightly rude stories.
i also wonder why you've found yourself in a foreign country, i write about connecting with 'the girl next door' so, similar background, same language, race, culture, education, intellect, anything out of your own 'similarity', becomes an 'incompatibility', and it's already hard enough to meet and live with another human as it is. short of 'the cops' being after you in England... i would return in order to find your 'boy next door'.
your video diary is one thing, but i would also encourage journaling with more tactile media (pen and paper) you can read more, but essentially it moves a body trauma into a more cerebral place, that process allows you to process and therefore placate and calm the anxiety.
speaking of this, your ADHD symptoms, (or Hyper Vigilance as i call it), this is likely trauma based, i hear about your recent adult trauma, your recent relationship trauma, but healing that childhood trauma would be a key turning point in your life, talk therapy would be indicated, firstly, as always.
clean Diet(low carb), clean lifestyle(no addictive molecules) and training with weights (for all humans) are the fundamentals for good brain health. lots of wider reading there.
i'll read the Washington Post article on Gay Loneliness and see if i can help further in that specific regard, however, i feel loneliness is a general human issue as others have said here.
(PS i'm looking for an editor/readers too if you want to help, again, helping others is the single best thing for depressive episodes, as well as the above neurotransmitters you also get oxytocin and serotonin - pretty much everything you could want, just from helping others).
Sincerely, humbley, hope that helps,
Anton - (i'll be in touch with the paperwork).
Hey Anton, thanks so much for the comment and sharing your story!
I think one thing many of us can relate to, but isn´t discussed enough can be friendship breakups. There is no guidebook on how to deal with them, and often they sting even more than a normal breakup that usually has closure and some finality to it, so navigating life after them whilst remembering the good times can be a challenge.
I definitely think focusing on a healthy lifestyle helps a lot, from keeping up with the gym to diet, I definitely am feeling a little better since cutting out alcohol in the summer, though feelings of loss and grief still hit at times.
I don’t know how I came across this but thank you for sharing ♥️ Im dealing with this as are many others
Hey there, thanks a lot for the support! heres hoping to brighter days ahead :)
I know a lot can happen in a few months, so maybe you're in a completely different place today. Since you didn't seam very satisfied with how it was, I hope so for you.
Anyway - thank you for sharing this video. Loneliness is such a taboo topic (both in general and in. the LGBTQ+ community) and to me it's been so hard to even think in terms of loneliness for myself. So, thank you for being part of opening up for this kind of conversations, and to do it completely honest and not to hide it in a humorous tone or what so ever.
It will take time to heal from that kind of trauma, but you'll get there, bit by bit ❤ and the s*it we don't heal from, we learn to live with in one way or another. (Btw I loved what you said about the most broken people giving the best advices since we're so used to it). And I really hope you've found a way without substances (oversharing: my ex was addicted to meds and alcohol, and it was terrible standing by her side feeling so powerless. That's why my heart's always aching when I hear people that can't find any other way to cope).
And gosh, I just mirror myself in you so much when you're talking about being a bit "rushed" in new relationships and always thinking it is (about to become) a real friendship. I've worked so hard the past couple of years to not get too clingy. But that feels so strange too, to purposely building a wall from both sides so I won't scare people away by coming off as expecting more than they're willing to give. And tbh, I think that's made me kind of cold and distanced even to those I do have around. There's definitely something off with that true and deep connection you were talking about, and I miss it sooooo bad.
Guess I'm kinda oversharing right now, but here y'all go 🙈
Btw - you wanted your podcast to fly, so what's it called? ☺
@mikaelathunell2822 Hey there.
Thanks so much for your comment, it really resonated with me a lot!
And its definitely something that you just get used to more I guess. I've really worked this year on trying to enjoy my own company a lot more and learning to do the things I love to do on my own, so if I meet new friends it's just a bonus.
@@mikaelathunell2822 And definitely know that feeling of rushing into new friendships then not wanting to come across clingy. I am definitely trying to work on finding a balance between feeling like I'm forcing the relationship and appearing cold/uninterested from putting my walls up too much.
Thanks for this vid. Much love from the Netherlands.💗💗💗
@@mrtaurus51 Thanks for the support :)
@@TheQueernessDiaries You're welcome 🙂
I think this is more common than we think, I do emphatise with you and feel the same way at times. Since having dogs though, I have been thinking of it less and diverted my focus on me and my dogs, the people that are there, and hopefully, the right people or friends will come to my life one day.
Yes I think having pets definitely helps! I miss my cats in England a lot sometimes but have a kitten here to look after to.
dont despair mate you will be back to buggering in no time at all keep your chin up and trousers down and be proud
I know how you feel. I am hypersensitive. I have felt this way at first. My last group of friends I hung out often with was ALSO back in 2015. Interesting. I am a straight female. Dude.. it IS never enough. People are also scared to open up these days. Straight dudes play this facade of confidence that immediately irritates me.
Your own company is precious , embrace the happiness of your own solace. You are awesome.. I can tell.. reserve that awesome energy for people worthy of that energy but that starts with focusing that energy on yourself and enjoying life solo.
@SaturnCrashing Yeah its always sad drifting apart from a group of friends. Its very true that finding joy in the things you love to do on your own is super important, if we meet anyone to enjoy them with along the way thats a bonus!
The last time I had a true core group of friends, including a couple of gay friends, was in high school. I moved countries for university and made "friends" that were not actually friends, except for one person who is terribly and wonderfully chaotic, which means we don't talk often, but when we do, it's really deep and fulfilling. Since then, I've just had trouble building real relationships with people because I'm a bit of an introvert and it's just tough to find a good balance between frequent social interaction and solitary time to recharge and just be in silence. I really only have a possibility of work friendships, which can sometimes feel like an extension of work. Gay friendships are kind of impossible because hookup culture has almost totally destroyed gay spaces and I don't really want to go on a date to see if it doesn't work out romantically, but we might possibly be able to become friends. Like, it's a lot, so I've kind of just pulled back and become friends with my family, which is great but also difficult to navigate because family sometimes loves to tear down your independence without even realizing it. I feel like if I was a woman, this would be so much easier to figure out.
I can definitely relate to building friendships with family. I think friendship grief can hit really hard and for me it is definitely been a mourning process letting go on the friendships that were once so close 5...10 years ago
I hope you’re are feeling more clarity around this of course it’s a journey and I think it absolutely has taken courage to speak about your experiences and open up, it touches people - watching this is made me feel a little less alone with similar experiences I felt
I could relate to a lot of what you were saying as a gay man even down to how you articulate things ! does this account have an Instagram account or podcast ? ☺️
Hey Christian, thanks so much for your comment :)
I am definitely feeling better these days than when I made the video, but I left it up as it´s an important one about how friendship breakups sometimes sting the most. I haven´t made an instagram for the podcast yet just a spotify account and then my regular insta :)
Hello!
I suffered the same kind of isolation during a chaotic time in my life. I still feel the consequences, and I still tend to distance myself from people. I realize that it is common in our 30s. I also realize that I need to change the way I approach people. I'm usually feeling some kind of reactivity, anger, hurt, and other feelings of defensiveness. Natural for anyone who has felt strongly coerced at some point in their life, or throughout their life (common in the gay experience and other experiences of exclusion). Furthermore, reviewing behaviors is always interesting, as it shows humility in the desire to be open with people. Realize that ADHD provides another level of experience with life, and if you are not in a good place, the mess and internal disorder become an avalanche. It is always important to be in psychological support and taking care of the bodies where we live (physical body, our home and other spaces we occupy). It is important to understand why we feel needy and empty, so we can use this self-consciousness to move us through life and as a driving force for a turning point about self love. I know it's a cliché, but it really worked for me to learn to look fondly at the inner child that I still am, who felt and still feels rejected, and embrace it. Only we ourselves can do this difficult work.
Still, this may not be enough, and that is why the journey continues and we must always seek to improve ourselves, even if this improvement involves learning to respect our processes. I believe that when we learn (or remember) how to love, we connect with people who also want to share love.
Ultimately, I believe that the way of life and values we live in this current society has been a great source of isolation and sadness. I have tried to go against this wave, having attitudes that are coherent with my feelings of positive affection, being a proponent of a different world, and no longer a passive person who is just thrown from one side to the other in this sea of people who are fighting each other trying to get rid of your resentments. I know that I won't always receive immediate feedback from those who receive this affection, but I know that my actions resonate and if there's more people doing the same, in someway I will receive it back. And I have trained myself to be ok and happy that I don't feel anxious about receiving it back immediataly, as long as it doesn't harm me, of course (always remember self-love).
Thanks for to be here sharing.
Hey Felipe, thank you for sharing such a thoughtful and vulnerable reflection, it means a lot! I think one of the most difficult things as we go into our 30s as gay men, can be that longing for younger days and feeling more disconnected around our friends who are settling down with families. And when chaotic times have shaped the last few years, it can lead to an even bigger yearning for the old days whilst being very hesitant to open up around new people due to the rejection experienced in those hard times.
I think it´s very true that as seek to improve ourselves, we start setting ourselves up for better relationships in the future, and a lot of the friendships we lost along the way just served their purpose for that chapter of our lives.
The problem for gays is that we live in a ghetto clubs ,and meetings we do not have contact with the whole world, only with each other. Our loneliness results from this fact.
I am in the same place and have been it seems forever. Loneliness is a painful and tortuous place to exist. I find I can go a week without speaking. I can’t comment further it’s too hard. I will again.
I hope things get better for you Jay ❤
So grateful for your encouragment. I'm such an empty vessel.
I’m totally convinced that it’s difficult/ impossible to have a friendship with another gay guy. Just as I think it’s the same with straight guys and women ..
manifestation is absolutely real
Hint, there is no such thing as the Gay Community. It’s merely an activist notion which doesn’t really fit a lot of gay people because people are people first not who they are attracted to first.
Hi, I recently attended a course about Core Transformation, which is all about transforming unwanted emotions, behaviours or thoughts. The basic idea is that every part of ourselves has a positive intention, and in fact wants some core state of beingness, such as love, peace, oneness etc. If you are curious about it or would like to talk, let me know. You seem pretty cool, and I would like to be friends if you are open to that, and I could also use the practice of guiding people through core transformation if that is something you are potentially interested in. I am in New Zealand so time zones might make things interesting, but if it seems like something you might be open to, let me know.
Hey there, thanks a lot for your comment. That sounds like it was an incredible experience for you, I am happy it has had such a great impact and the emphasis of positive intention. I´m definitely in a better place than when I made this video myself but still a journey to go yet :) And yes always happy to meet new friends for all over!
@@TheQueernessDiaries Awesome! I am super glad that you are in a better place now!!! I watched a more recent video of you doing a podcast and you seemed a lot happier.
I only really discovered podcasts recently, when watching the hundredth episode of Where are all my friends. I think it is a really cool format, people sharing life experiences, and a lot of times seems like entertaining conversations between friends. So fantastic that you are a podcaster!
My name is Raymond, I usually go by Ray. Thank you very much for your reply!!! Would love to chat with you sometime. :)
@teselentai9104 Yes definitely feeling better than in the Spring thank you :)
Having a podcast/vlog is definitely a great way to engage with people from the community, and also have important discussions along the way. I was surprised how many people hace been through something similar.
And for sure, very nice to virtually meet you Ray :)!
@@TheQueernessDiaries Thanks for the reply! Awesome to virtually meet you too!!! 😀
We'll never meet. Hugs.😉
Actually, I wouldn't exclude male friends in general. Both are good.
Yes, and how do you connect with the non engaged?
I'm sorry all this is quite true. People are a little bit arseholely.
I feel so sad that you feel so hopeless. Please be more positive. You can enjoy life without fake friends.
Hey James :) thanks a lot for your comment, I am feeling in a better place than when I filmed the video luckily, still have lonely days but have gotten more at peace with it.
Do the people you want to be friends with have to fellow gay men? If so, the basis of the commonality is his also being gay, that isn’t likely to be enough for the basis of a deeper more meaningful friendship. I’m gay but don’t have gay friends per se, but among my friends are a few gay men. What about common interests beyond being sexually attracted to men?
Maybe its time to search for a faith community that works for. Because I believe in God and that he is real I talk to him all the time and listen to gospel music all the time. It makes me happy
And that´s your path.