STOP the narcissist from HOOVERING you
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- Опубліковано 21 січ 2023
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Forgive from a distance. A long, long distance. Forgiveness does not require allowing them anywhere near you.
Exactly
I know that’s true ❤❤
I had a friend betray me a few months ago. As a practising Christian I struggled with forgiving them, but I came to that same conclusion...
I can forgive them, but it doesn't mean I have to allow them the opportunity to do it again ... and again ... and again.
Wise as serpents, gentle as doves.
Why would extend friendship to someone who couldn’t love me as a mate the right way now gonna all of sudden be a good friend? Gtfoh in my heavy Jersey accent!
Well said.
They always try to come back when you are on a path of healing
They can sense your happiness, and they can't have any of that
"Narcissistic relationships are often kept in place by hope". What a great summary.
one time early in I asked the narc if she will allow me hope for us .. and she got really mad at that for some reason .
Hope. There’s 2 types. Real how and false hope. With narcissists all hope is forever false. Environmental recovery and climate change reversing has far more hope of reality than hoping a narcissist will change for good. ✌️
Ugh! That brings up anger in me.
@@ZLLi661 Whis she would have clarified the false hope versus the real hope. Because I find it brings up anger in me that's hard to discribe
Oh! Giving up hope in my narcissistic family ever being a real family was my greatest moment. ♥️
I just got hoovered a few minutes ago. After 4 years. So I'm going to take a big dose of Dr. Ramani videos to suppress the feeling of euphoric recall and stay out of contact😅
Ditto! I almost thought of calling back but then I remembered
@@AncientIntegrations Stay strong 💪❤️
Yeah same 😂😅
@@monikagin Remarkable and so typical 😂
Don't give in. Stay strong! 💪
Much love from the Netherlands ❤️
After what the narc said and did, the fact that they would even have the AUDACITY to even THINK that they can contact you again, they've gotta be out of their minds. Literally. I don't give a damn what the relationship is.
My narc used to accuse me with "you've changed!" all the time once I went gray rock and cut him out of my heart. In other words: "how dare you preserve yourself from my abuse!"
Yes, I am the big meanie now, and the inflictor of pain - just for trying to protect and distance myself from abuse
Amen, and well said. I remember sitting in another arduous mediation session with my ex narc husband. It was the road to freedom and I had to have the patience of a saint to listen to him drone on and on about his supposed victimhood in our marriage. He dropped the comment in a sentence, “When Lydia changed”. Yep, you’re darn right I changed. I reclaimed myself, I set boundaries, I stopped apologizing for being me, I made my way to grey rocking him. He deeply hated and resented me for removing his supply and for loving and caring for myself. He knew I was gone long before I could physically escape.
AMEN !
Very well put it JMJ : " how dare you preserve yourself from my abuse"
I get that all of the time too. They say, "I thought I knew you."
Yes, I've changed. Abuse changes someone. I'm not a sucker anymore. 😁
Don't engage, Don't defend, Don't explain, Don't personalize . It's All about ....Them. toxic, manipulative, Ultra-Controlling, Narcissistic Stress Bombs . Stay Away , try as Much as possible to go No Contact ! Make Notes as to Why remembering their toxic manipulative behavior Take Notes while Binge Watching Dr. Ramani ! Thank You Dr. Ramani Highest Blessings to You and Your For-Ever !
Thanks Sky! I sure Will!
I appreciate you sharing this I've been no contact for a couple years now it's hard when it's family. . My dad whom I've fallen to the feel sorry for "feel sorry" category. I guess my role as an empath is a child. But not always, sometimes I feel very angry.
Yes ❤
Yes, I do need top-up Dr Ramani some time to time. My narc mum is just having hoovering campaign with me. Complements so sweet that make me nauseated, telling me about fantastic family events they have without me, being so nice and “loving”- angelic “spiritual” voice of an angel 😂, admitting that I was right to set the boundaries(!) she understands it now and …has changed (as she is spiritual). It leaves me feeling cr*p after any contact with her, although I do try to use get rock.
Dr Ramani top-up always helps.
Thank you 😊
Everything he accused me of, I'm now giving him: silent treatment, wanting divorce, lack of love.
He must be a prophet 😂
It amazes me how unchanged these people remain, their brains must be stuck in cement. I know several of them, most are gone.
Yep so sad
To stop the narcissist from hoovering you, you need to change your phone number and make your social media account private. In some situations, it may even be best for you to move to a different city. If you make it difficult for them, eventually they will give up. They prefer low hanging fruit.
Wishing you great healing🌸✨
Or, as he threatened and told several people he intended to " eliminate " Me you can contact the local police and file a protection from abuse order.
They do prefer low-hanging fruit. Fruit tastes best when it is hanging the lowest.
Yep most narcs are lazy so if you make it really difficult,they'll usually 🔥 out sooner rather than later & go terrorize someone more convenient🙄.You might even get a super rare hoover attempt out of them many years later but just don't respond in any way & they'll likely very quickly move on to someone else for that narc supply that they're too weak to cope without.
@@malwads1836 lol what?
My peace... melts my guilt.
Amen to that sister
Love that!❤🙌🏾😂
Amen!
This is a beautiful sentiment!
❤❤❤❤
"Each time a woman stands up for herself, without knowing it possibly, without claiming it, she stands up for all women.’’
*-Maya Angelou* 👏🏼😊
😊👏😊👏😊👏😊👏😊
Beautifully said.
Appreciate you sharing this. it's been so hard to do.. It's taken me decades!!
Yeah, 90% of you all are mk ultra bots, or narcs. This feminism bullshit needs to end. You want equality yet you see yourselves as special. You're not special. At all.
My husband hoovered me back in three times. That was before I knew anything about narcissism. Fourth time is a charm. Now I know the games that he plays.
Thank you Dr Ramani. I’m finally free from his control and abuse. 😊
Wow! This is super scary, but a big congratulations! 🙏
The hoovering is just to get you back into the toxicity. Once in, they go right back to their behavior. If they really cared about you, they'll go get help. They would make an effort to change. It's profoundly more important to care about you for your own sake than to try to get it from someone who can't care about you and won't.
So true what you said about if they really cared about you they would get help!
True words my dear.
Yep! That HOPE that a light bulb would go on for them , nope… after 2 years , I’m done HOPING!! Good luck!
One thing that helps with hoovering-1. To have a list how they did you wrong. 2. Become indifferent to them .
Gave a narcissist probably about 5 chances after multiple falling outs. I noticed I ended up cutting him out of my life faster and faster each time cycle. The final cycle only lasted 2 weeks. They don't change in the way that you want them to. If anything they just get worse . They won't fix what went wrong in the friendship/relationship/hookup . They will expect you to change or cater to their needs rather than mutually work together with you and fix what went wrong the first time. Blocking them at least gives you a piece of mind.
Dealing with this exact same thing ..Close to 2 year relationship This last time today I tried to get her to work mutually to fix things but once she got it into her head that I was all wrong & she was all right,she only wanted to continue to use me up & keep me around without ANY commitment to the relationship.I was supposed to be a prop that she can use to help her continue to fix all her problems with ZERO coming back in my direction. The true definition of a toxic one sided person!! Can't even wrap my head around this treachery.
Why this sounding like what I am going through now...
My last cycle was 2 weeks too wow it just gets shorter
That peace of mind is EVERYTHING. You don’t know how exhausted you are of it all until you cut it away from yourself. It’s like being able to breathe again after being held under water for two weeks! Please folks, go completely NO CONTACT. YOU WILL THANK THOSE OF US WHO KNOW LATER!
I recently bumped into a woman I have known for years. Her dad and mine were friends. I am a man now 71 years old. I had one magical week with her my junior year of college. She showed up out of the blue. I could not afford to be in a relationship at the time so we agreed to go our separate ways. Towards the end of 2022 I ran into her again out of the blue. We had coffee and talked some. Met again over lunch talked more but I started to get suspicious. None of her kids were in touch. Shared lots of childhood events where families were together so I asked her over for a fondue. Using the knowledge gained from watching your content I knew she was yet another narcissist (I married two before). I am no longer in touch with her. My gratitude is unbounded for you saving me from another huge pain.
Running into her was likely orchestrated by her, to appear as happenstance.
@@rubberbiscuit99 Exactly
CONGRATULATIONS on not falling into her trap!
Having decent loving people and/or a network of good friends in your life helps a lot. If you're totally isolated then it's much harder to resist thrm.
My most recent experience was to ask for help with my ignition switch on my 2012 Sonata....waiting for the Eagle to fly....(3 days) my deceased Mother's car to be moved from my property....my Sonata was in the way of the tow truck....my neighbor charmed me into helping me jumpstart my car and I was told I wouldn't be able to take a short drive away and stop my car and be unable to make it back home unless I called AAA....I have a 57 yr car driving history and I needed a well deserved break from his dragon breathe of alcohol and yelling......
Hoovering has nothing to do with you. It's all about them, everything is about them, no one else matters just them. The reason they hoover is because their mask is beginning to slip and you're the most recent reliable dumping grounds for all their negative emotions that they to project into someone. They tossed you in the dumpster (the discard) and then they hoover by saying that are so victimized by your dumpster life they created so here they are to rescue from all the problems they created. Meanwhile they have been talking behind you back.
Back to the topic, when the facade can't be kept up any longer, they need a place to dump their garbage, that will be your doorstep according them. When you refuse that garbage and negative energy dump. They have to put on someone because they have no accountability. So, they start unraveling. That's the mask falling off. It doesn't matter if they are covert or overt. If they discard and then want to hoover. They looking for a scapegoat, somewhere to dump negative emotions so they can keep up their public charming facade.
Without an outlet for their negative energy, they fall apart and start attacking everyone around them. They self destruct.
They have positive supply. That's the love bomb and the new supply.
They also get a big kick out of negative supply. That's actually the biggest payoff for them. They really want someone they can control, dismiss, degrade and refuse to acknowledge, to disregard your humanity. They need someone to disrespect.
If you look at a hoover the correct way. You will imagine they are backing up the trash collector truck to your front door to unload it in your living room rather the city dump. And then they will jump in their shiny new car drive away laughing their ass all the way.
Meanwhile you have all your internal space inside your "house" filled with all their stinking rat infested garbage.
Let them drive that trash truck back to their own house. Going grayrock and no contact when you have enough self-respect to know that they have to keep their trash truck at their own house. And the trash truck is banned from your house. Hoovering is a violation of your dignity and that is unforgivable.
I don't understand stalking their social media. That is no different than stalking the city dump. That's a super comfy place be. You could set up camp there. See what I'm saying?
My older brother has an amazing ability to spot people he knows in a crowd. But then hawks have an amazing ability to spot mice.
You bet
Beginning phase of no contact i used to crave for hoover, and now after a year i am disgusted whenever there is a hoover. I just got hoover half an hour ago, via a new number, i immediately blocked the number even though my heart was racing and i panicked for few minutes,a and writing this right now. I wanna be in a state where, hoover or no hoover, I'm unbothered 100% and living my purpose in life.
Can totally relate! I’m at the disgusting point of them
Me too..want the peaceful unbothered state of mind
I went no contact, after I was discarded by the narc I was with for 3 years and engaged to! It has been almost a year now, of blocking him from my phone and social media and no contact. I haven't had one hoover attempt and I am so glad! It does get better and we can move forward with our lives! 🥰
Dear livingnow7017, Unless you're married to a narcissist. You're lucky you left during the engagement. My poor daughter didn't & has 5 young children with her narcissistic husband. He is a full blown covert narcissist. I fear for her & my grandchildren every day as I'm the sole caretaker with help from my only son to everything they have. He's a selfish monster👹 who threatens to blackmail full of lies, saying you'll be guilty until proven innocent. I wait patiently for the rule of 3 to happen to him🙏.
@@777Pattie I am so sorry to hear this! I was married to a narc a while back in my life and had 2 children with him! I did get divorced after 11 years and had to jump into a fulltime job and take care of 2 children that were 4 and 7 at the time! They are both grown now and doing well with raising their own children! I pray and wish the best for you your grandchildren and their mother! You are doing good, by educating yourself about narcissism! Stay strong and keep moving forward...🥰
Nope, they never change, not even with therapy. No-contact means no-contact.
One way to shake off guilt hoovering is to remind yourself of the mistreatments, the disregards of your wellbeing and the pillage of your money and resources, your autonomy as a person. Then ask yourself if it's worth to come back to the toxic relationships of jnoinlaws.
That's what I do!!!!
I wish I had found this doctor years ago. Incredibly helpful information and advice. I have been binge watching these videos to keep me on track. Very thankful to have this support.
Me too. I finally had enough and broke up with her 2 weeks ago. It was a lesbian relationship and she’s a total covert narcissist.
Which you luck and stay strong ! I sleep and eat all these videos to keep me from ever going back
I always thought that I married a man. But he was so much a child.
they made their bed, they chose their behaviors, I am done with sympathy and empathy with them. I don't care how hard it is, I will not submit to their head-games.
My abusive NPD parent tried to hoover me including me in a "family" group chat with news of the illness and death of an aunt... Mind you, I haven't heard from that side of the family in decades AND I have gone no contact with this parent AND in my "family" I am the scapegoat... It was SO hard not to reply. They KNOW that I am the trained caregiver of the family and an empath. I had to remind myself WHY they included me when I'm excluded in other family social interactions. I muted the chat and didn't reply. I still feel bad, but remind myself that these people are strangers to me, by their choice and I owe them nothing.
Keep away for your own safety mentally and emotionally they can’t walk all over you when you go no contact that means changing phone number and email address too it irks them no end that you don’t need their rubbish
@@ritalawson7020 thank you so much. I can't wait to get away from them🙌🙌🙌
👏 you're incredibly strong! You absolutely 💯 did the right thing. My situation is very similar...I get it.
@@SweepDailyWin thank you so much❤️ It feels like I'm being a bad person but at the same time I'm protecting myself... Just got an email about his "birthday celebration". His partner is the one organizing it🙄, haven't replied, not going 🙌🙌🙌
They use "guilt" a lot, just keep in mind "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT".
The reason we stay is because we are good and normal and have no clue anyone could purposefully do this. Learning that my ex knew exactly what he was doing made me see the world very differently- in my 50s! I think they are sent to earth from Hell.
If they Hoover and insult, own it. Agree with them. Shut them down and block them. Be strong and don’t fall for it! You survived before them, and you will after them too.
No, don't agree with their insults or criticisms, don't "own" their judgement of you, instead just leave, hang up, disengage.
I didn’t mean to sincerely agree, it’s just to shut them down. They run out of things to say.
Like: yeah, whatever. Or yes I AM indeed a witch.
It hurts even more when you have to rely on them for survival but you have to hold out just a little longer to regain your independence - the hardest boss battle with 1 point in your health bar.
They definitely drain both hp and stamina...good luck!
i was almost homeless several times due to narcissistic abuse. it’s the scariest thing in the world .
That health bar sounded like a video game, but you are so right!
I endured a 27 year marriage living in this exact hell. Granted, I grew up in abuse, so I know why I jumped right into more abuse, but sadly the church culture I was in my whole life allowed the poor narcissistic behavior and would gaslight me into being more obedient as well. I got away from him, the church culture, and had an amazing family law attorney who knew exactly how to deal with these manipulative behaviors to get my divorce. It still took 4 years to get free of him, but I have no regrets anymore! I am happy for the first time in my life.
I have almost exactly the same life experience. Religion was used against me. It took a long time until I had enough, but I am free.
I was married to a narcissist for 27 years her devalued and financial abuse was unbelievable I feel like a fool for letting it happen so long I guess love is blind at least the love I give I don’t think a narcissist can give love
I am so happy for you. Looking for a good divorce lawyer. My fear is that I will once again, make the wrong choice.
@@debbievoss3496 finding a good lawyer is difficult but very important. Good luck
How did the church culture gaslight you into being more obedient. Just curious.
I really needed to hear this!! He just reached out to me, almost a year after we broke up, and I am melting again… he knows what to say.
God help me to stay strong..
How did it go?
Thank you for including adult children in your intro. Hardest decision was to go no contact a year ago. Thankfully hovering has not occurred. Because of your videos I am stronger and value myself more.
Yes I really appreciate this also as I've had a harder time finding info on the adult child dynamic.
I am 1.5 months of NC from my very abusive adult son. I always went back to communicating, but I finally had enough, moved out of state a d did not let him know. 20 years of abuse and manipulation wrecked my health and almost my marriage. I am finally starting to feel normal.and a sense of peace🙏
Empathy and Love should be a natural occurring character trait but if you have to go out of your way, beyond your personal comfort zone to please a Narcissist, it's toxic.
After 9 months of no contact with my tormentor, trust me, it has it's rewards money can't buy!
I feel only pity for the Narcs now. Once you see what's behind the mask, It's only sadness, jealousy and Rage for no apparent reason. Oh how they lie to themselves too, insisting they are happy...........
Hoovering can be indefinite. I had an ex find me on social media TWENTY YEARS after our last contact. He didn’t say anything but would follow/unfollow me so that I got the alerts. I’ve learned in grad school that this type of personality is reactive to rejection so I waited a few weeks for him to lose interest in me before blocking him, any accounts that I didn’t recognize, and putting my account on private. It’s fascinating that they believe that they have a connection to you forever.
My narcissistic parents started hoovering after constant 3 years of narcissistic emotional abuse and verbal abuse. They using love bombing,gaslighting,admiration for hoovering me. They pretend to be changed but they are just acting they are changed. They are still toxic and narcissists inside but outside they are acting like they are changed.
They like to recycle their victims.
they "own" - see you as lost property ..sad but true
Why do you think that this particular ex was a narcissist? Basically all ex come back to contact their ex… even after 50 years
25 years It was the closest thing to being in jail😢
This actually quite recently happened to me, I had an ex-friend that after three years came back and told me "Oh, I'm sorry for being such a B to you, and you were right." I basically told the person no and left it at that. She had her chance to apologize to me when we had the falling out, if she really did care about me she could have said it through another friend of ours but she decided to dig her heels in, and throw a tantrum. To hear the words' you were right' is a bit more validating I didn't ask what (I was right about nor do I care). However, it's taught me that I'm actually able to put in the boundary and say NO, yes depending on person I may leave explanation but this sense of having a new boundary after my upbringing and able to set boundaries it's really hard for me so doing this was hard for me. I've just had it with narcissists, I know how to spot them from 10 trillion miles away thank you for the channel Dr. Ramani . Now I know how to stand up for myself, where prior to this channel I would have gone back to this ex-friend of mine in the past.
This comment warms my heart! Stay strong, free & most importantly happy
@@TheNicoliyah I will
By
Stay strong it’s hard , because of HOPE
I can’t take myself back to where I leveled up from. It took a lot to heal and get to this point.
This veiled form of stalking is a vestige of the toxicity that once was present in a relationship previously. Bottom line
" Create the boundaries for your life in being consistent, conscious and in control of self.
Along with the necessary borders for who is allowed in the circle of your life "
Utter confusion is such a great description. I felt confused all the time I always would ask myself What the F___ just happened?
l know that feeling all too well
“Maybe someday you will soften up and learn to love again”
My personal favorite. Thanks, Dr. Ramani. Another spot-on explanation. ❤️
Hah! Sometimes, now that I'm further along in healing, these things just strike me as funny, and I truly laugh out loud.
I mean, it's painful when you're going through it, but in retrospect it can sound so ridiculous. I don't mean to offend by laughing
@@flash_flood_area No offense taken at all. It IS hilarious. 😊😊
Dear Dr. Ramani,Thank you for all u do!
U r like my morning coffee every day. U wake me up with reminders and brighten my day every day. U gv me the validation that I never got in all my 40 years. I know making 7 vids a week is a lot of work, and that doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated. You r a blessing from God!
Your friend and daily follower,
Aud
100 Percent! Thank you Dr Ramani for all your helpful and life saving mental and physical advice ❤
In my opinion the best protection against hoovering is once you've healed & have FULLY accepted what narcs really are.People like narcs & psychopaths for example don't even get any empathy from me because they're AWARE that they inflict harm on other's lives,they actively want to use others for their own personal gain,& most of all because they DON'T FEEL BAD AT ALL ABOUT THE SERIOUS HARM THEY'VE CAUSED.People with untreated Depression or Bipolar disorder for example will feel horrible after they've acted terribly with someone...Narcs & psychopaths on the other 🖐🏻 don't experience any genuine guilt/remorse after the nasty 💩 they do because of their lack of empathy.I feel sorry for the innocent babies these people once were because a psychopath doesn't ask to be wired wrong from the start & narcs don't ask for the inappropriate parenting that molded them into narcs...But that's as far as it goes for me.These adults 🚶♀️ around that are like this are just 🍏s with rotten worm infested cores...All you can do is toss it in the trash can & try not to 🤮.This mentality makes it a lot more comfy for me to stay away from these screwballs.I hope my take on this issue helps someone in need that happens to read this.
Yes Mal Wads Thank you both Dr. Ramani's information and knowledge on this topic and what you have said here makes me feel a lot better and a lot more clarity on what I'm dealing with it the moment I was allowed to be sucked back in the relationship that I knew was toxic from almost the beginning for over 2 years.. recently had another major issue that was blown completely out of proportion by the narcissist. It was one of those guilty Hoover's where she tried to make me feel guilty because I was no contact with her, and a had ignored her several of her attempts before! The harsh reality that it's just about control and manipulation for them to reach out is really all you really need to come to grips with and know that it has nothing to do with any feelings for you! Why invest so much time and effort in someone who can just discard or make your life miserable when it suits them! I understand why so many people now say you were better off alone by far! Thank you for your personal knowledge here.
I went 2 years no contact with a former narcissist friend. When she hoovered me back in it was with the "I've changed" line. I was skeptical, but willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. I was on the watch for unchanged behavior, and unfortunately saw it everywhere. I walked away in the midst of a disregulated episode where she called me horrible names and made horrendous accusations. Three years later I am confident that if I saw her again I think I would refuse to listen or exchange numbers, walk away and sleep better at night. I have absolutely no interest in being friends with her ever again after she crossed those boundaries.
Mom always says , well look like the perfect family from the outside but from the inside others will never know the truth. She’s worse than a vacuum, she sucks the life out of me or anyone she meets
I feel like if i hear 1 more gaslight, 1 more projection, 1 more justification, I will EXPLODE! I have nothing left to give.... ❤❤❤
Can we talk about how sometimes they’ll also get others to Hoover for them? My narcissistic ex (whom I share I child with) sent his mother to guilt trip me into getting back with him. She texted me “I wish you and my son would get back together, you guys being apart makes me sad.” A day after I told him that I was moving on to healthier relationships. I had to block them both 🤦🏾♀️
Good for you! I had the unfortunate issue of one of my children not really realizing that she is being used to Hoover. Her father doesn’t want me, he just wants to agitate me. I work very hard to not respond when she attempts to share info about him with me. Not sure what’s going on there . . . she is still trying to work out her life and maybe feels unstable having to deal with his chaotic energy and future faking.
I cannot engage because it’s a form of hoovering for me to even APPEAR as if I have interest in his activities and plans. I DO NOT. HE HAS NO REAL PLANS, ONLY CHAOS AND DISORDER. I lived with that for over twenty years and failed to ever truly tame it.
Living without all the chaotic energy has been like walking out of a dank, dark cave and into the sunshine. I plan to keep ON walking!
I have been having a hard time with the covert narcissist in my life currently. I have been watching your videos for a few months now and it has helped tremendously.
It took me awhile to figure out why your videos seemed better then the others I have found, but I think I figured it out. You give eye contact even during your videos making it feel like you are talking right to me.
You have helped me so much. Thank you very much Dr. Ramani.
8 months later. Just wanted to ensure your staying strong. I'm going through the same thing right now with a covert so I know how easy it is to get sucked back in.
In the last ten years, I cleared all the narcissists out of my life. I used to be covered in them like a sea rock encrusted with barnacles .
I am proud to announce that not one has ever dared to hoover me once I was done. I can be scary like that.
What I will cop to is becoming nostalgic after some time has passed, but I know not to act on it. Nearly fifty years ago I was desperately in love with a man who was horrible to me..borderline sadistic-this after a lovely courtship, albeit with red flags.
He STILL haunts my dreams sometimes, being charming, trying to win me over, and I still remember the love part, even though I know now it was a lie.
Oh, and the guilt after cutting ties? It's a sign you are healing. See it through, it will pass.
I feel like leaving a narc family is like leaving a cult. Both parents are narcs and most of the extended family acts just like them, and sides with them. Currently my nmother is love-bombing me long after I went no-contact as part of her hoover attempt. I treat the gifts like that free stuff charities give people to guilt them into giving them money. I just keep the stuff.
You’re spot on! And I do the same, zero interaction not even sending it back.
@@Charmenda same here
2 yrs ago I got so fed up that I didn't just go gray rock again, I actually told my abusive older sister why I don't consider us friends, and why I have to protect myself from her.
Fast forward to several months of intensive holiday hoovering this fall, which I only responded to with politeness, but a lack of engagement.
After New Year's, she calls, crying, to tell me that a close friend of hers died... but immediately launches into a tearful diatribe on how absolutely horrible I am in comparison to the friend, how she has tried and tried to be close to me, and what a fool she has been for trying. Also, how cold I am, and a lot about how much I hurt her 2 yrs ago.
She said she was disgusted by our whole family, because nobody cares and no one is friendly (unable to grasp how much toxicity and division she has injected into the family, for decades. So yeah, she's poison, and we all steer clear of her; which has had a chilling effect on every family interaction, for decades).
She goes on to remind me, again, that when our older relatives die it will only be us; and how sad it is to think that we won't have a relationship then, but how she's finally given up on trying to have a relationship with me.
In all honesty, I said that I was so sorry for her loss, and that I wish the best for her. "What does that even mean? Obviously, you don't", she told me, and hung up. Then she texted me back to repeat how much I've hurt her, and how uncaring I am.
It was all very painful. I texted that I do wish her the best. I hope that she is healthy and happy, and that I'm very sorry about her friend; and also that I have lost similarly close friends, so I understand how painful it is.
It took days to recover from that call. I understand that she is truly miserable and in pain. She's not just miserable and in pain now, about her friend; she's that way almost constantly.
I would love to have had a friendly, loving relationship with her, all these years. She has some very good qualities. It makes me very sad, although I try to numb myself to it. Unfortunately, I am very relieved when I don't have to interact with her for long periods.
It's painful to be blamed for all this, when what's really happening is that I am sadly forced to protect myself from her.
It also saddens me to know that she is in pain. She has a mental disorder. I feel sorry for her. I wish things could be different, but they can't.
Wait a minute…do we have the same sister? Seriously, all that you wrote is exactly the truth of my interactions with one of my sisters. Thank you, because you just validated all that I have been feeling, knowing, experiencing, and doing. It takes me days to recover from a phone call with her, and it just doesn’t feel worth it in any way anymore. I am working up to no contact, and your post is helping me to see just how hopeless and damaging it is to continue to allow her into my life.
Although NPD (is) a mental disorder...I personally don't feel sorry in the least for these people because they are (aware) that they inflict harm on other folk's lives & actively want to use others, and most of all because they DON'T CARE AT ALL about the harm they've caused.A person with untreated Depression or Bipolar disorder for example WILL feel bad about treating people badly afterwards even when their behaviors are extremely hard or impossible to control...But narcs don't operate this way in the least due to their lack of empathy for others.I always 👀 at it as...I feel so sorry for the innocent little kids they once were (BUT) that's as far as it goes because the adults 🚶♀️ around with NPD are just hollow shells filled with a bunch of nastiness & toxic behavior.There's just nothing there for me to feel sorry for when it's a empty shell that tries to throw itself at others heads repeatedly😬.We tend to get so much pressure from society to try to 👀 the good in EVERYONE but the unfortunate reality is that people like narcs & psychopaths are 🍏s with rotten cores,it's not good to eat & all you can do is toss it in the garbage can.Hopefully with healing you'll eventually be able to find peace✌🏻...It's always rough when it's a sibling or parent but pure radical acceptance has been incredibly freeing for me personally in regards to having a narc parent.Best wishes🕊️.
Amazing that you allowed that into your ears and head. Take care of yourself
@@malwads1836 I truly appreciate the kind thoughts. However, I don't feel like my views are due to being a victim of social conditioning.
The individual I'm talking about is probably what is called a covert or vulnerable narcissist, which usually means that they do have some awareness that they are not their false or public self. They have some slight awareness and a lot of shame. This kind of person can be as equally tormented by their own disorder, themselves, as much as they inflict torment upon others.
I've had a front row seat to how deeply miserable this individual has been, for many decades. I know she suffers an immense amount of psychic pain, and has suffered it since kindergarten.
I feel confident that I am doing no wrong by feeling sorry for her. I can do that and still keep my distance. I can continue healing for the remainder of my life, without needing to discard my internal values of compassion, sympathy and empathy.
I also reject the idea that every human being with npd is like a rotten apple to be tossed in the garbage can. Just because I refuse to have a relationship with the person, doesn't mean I can't feel compassion for their genuinely sad, miserable, and lonely life, and wish them well.
I'm not offering advice. Anyone else can think and do as they see fit. Some narcissists and psychopaths don't deserve much, if any sympathy at all. Some are truly monstrous and are even proud of themselves. Imho that's a little different from the individual I was describing.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it; but I understand why you might feel differently.
@@lydiaanderson824 I'm glad my comment was more than just therapeutic for myself. I used to have to call a therapy hotline multiple times before, during, and after each of her visits.
She would invite herself to visit, and I even told her I couldn't have her stay in my house, but that only added more fuel to her abusive behavior. Unfortunately, I had to conclude that she's never going to change for the better, and I'm better off going gray rock and keeping it that way. I've done it before, over the years; but wasn't completely firm about it for various reasons.
These channels are extremely helpful to me. I also like Surviving Narcissism with Dr C, The Crappy Childhood Fairy, and the channel of Darren McGee. I wish you strength and healing.
My mother’s attempt to Hoover me directly didn’t work so she is now working through her grandchildren and their partners. Playing the victim, using guilt and playing on their empathy is so difficult to watch. When my Dad passed my mother lost her behind closed doors punching bag. She, in her entitled world, thought that I would be an easy replacement. I’ve been no contact for 2 years now. Her hoovering isn’t working yet at 84 she persists.
Holy cow! This is exactly what I'm going through today. I have gone no contact with my narc mom and she's sent out all her flying monkeys telling me that she's so depressed and she's so sad. (Guilt Hoovering) Even my dad blamed me for the health problems he's experiencing because I decided to stop being the family peace keeper and take care of my needs and my children's needs.
Honestly by the time he came back and said " you were right..." I didn't want him anymore. That person before who accepted that, is gone. The new me (the last 4 yrs) won't leave an opening for that to ever happen agian
How are you doing now ?
the hardest thing to realize is you can't help someone until they are ready to seek the help themselves. The vulnerable/ victim narcissist is so hard to disentangle from and I will live the rest of my life knowing some people think I am cold and heartless because of the narcissists I've cut out of my life. In a long distance way it is always interesting to hear about their fall out with their most recent supply at least they don't try to hover me long since after working on my cPTSD my entire adult life I learned... people are who they are. Someone actually changing dramatically is so rare that it's not worth tearing yourself up about it. I thank goodness that my marriage in my youth took me way too long to get out of but once I left I knew enough to know that our relationship would probably fall back into the same cycle of neglect, anger, grace period falling back into neglect and so he never had even the slimmest chance. Pessimism isn't always a bad thing it's saved me.
It’s been super hard for me because we have 2 young children together and I have no help from family. I’ve taken him back due to needing the help paying bills and I thought he may be getting somewhere in therapy. This is the 5th time he’s left us alone, now I’ve racked up my credit cards almost 20k to pay bills. I wish I could afford to kick him away for good. I’m trying to find a safe roommate since I have babies. I’ve basically been a single parent on and off for years. I’ve struggled to get back on my feet each time, especially since we had just bought a house recently and he left again. Thank goodness it worked out to just me owning the house, he did help with some of the money but I did all the legwork myself, and he left me during the process. So when I was getting preapproved for the finance, I had to readjust to my income and get a smaller mortgage but it worked out for the best!
@@Ninabeana13 It's so hard when you share kids and are tight in money. Keep working at building and arranging your life in a way that doesn't require his $$. Your kids will be better being raised in two healthy (or even one healthy one whatever) households then in an unhealthy one. One of my personal pushes for the past 2 decades during the first decade long hard part was knowing that kids are sponges and they are learning how they should be treated and how they should treat people from the adults around them. I got healthy so I could try and avoid my kids having the same generational trauma.
I cannot explain how accurate this content is. I've lived exactly what you describe it's insane how on point this is. I am so happy this is a "common" issue and I am not alone or crazy after all. Love you thanks so much!
Same here, Its as if dr. RAMANI was my personal therapist. Trust me you not alone
my sentiments exactly!! This came at the right time. I’m being told I’m being disrespectful to what we had; and how can I just walk away; what about our plans? I’m going to show up at your job! It’s takes a lot of effort to not respond but I’m concerned he’ll just pop up at my place of work.
Absolutely,none of us are crazy..we are normal people who are confused because of non genuine people.
Psychopathic parents actually sometimes hoover too, when they need something from you. My dads father is a psychopath, and we've cut contact with him a few years ago, but he recently became unwell, as in having prblems walking up the stairs, i think, and suddenly he calls us and asked us to come over to help him with the stairs, even though hes been given a device by the samatarians to walk up the stairs. He refuses to use the device and instead is entitled enough to call my dad, after YEARS, who he has abused since day 1, and told him to help him with the stairs. 🤦🏼♂️🤔 I will never understand.
And now that we've escaped we'll be known as the scapegoats and door mats but at least we'll be happy scapegoats and doormats :-).
It’s so nice to hear an outsider declare I may have felt superhuman in what it took to leave. Yes I’m an empath
They just want to know they can have you any time they want and need supply and play around with someone's soul..
And yes yes they hate rejection and start hovering & manipulate cause they have control issues..cause again they have abandonment issues and fears and specially of loosing control.
I like drama free relationships...for sure!
And yes they don't change its just a facade...
My dad try to Hoover me a few days ago. He wanted to take me to a father and daughter dinner. He said it would just be him and I. I told him No!
They will use everything you tell them as a tool. I told my dad years ago that he never spend time with me without my sister there that I would like to spend time with him without my sister.
Right? My parents would try to suck me in and set me up, so my sister could walk on me and jeer at me, a little more.
And then they could get their licks in and blame me, for not being more like she is.
So true. They will always prove their transactional mindset with their actions.
Omg my mum just did the same to me!
I did a cut-off from a heavily love-bombing friend-zoned friend. One year later we bumped at each other at a concert and briefly started chatting. Then, he pulled out the “I got into a bad accident, you are a terrible person for not being there for me”-card, at which point I called him out on the manipulation and guilt trip, and never heard back from him again. His thesis was that because we had common friends (whom he also cut off after we went no contact), I could have known through them he was injured, and I should have came back to help him. He didn’t expect me to be so heartless. And then he went on a rant about how I was taking advantage of him (because he was lovebombing me while I continuously explicitly enforced the boundary of the friend zone, how dare I not give into his attempts). Oh, the nerve….
There are people I've known for decades, never had a single issue or problem with them. Happy to bump into them or get together or not see them for years and it's all good when we do finally run into each other again.
And then there's people I've known for a day that have a fuck ton of karma headed their way.
Good people don't need forgiveness or a second chance because good people are able to carry out friendships that last for decades without any issues because they're not bloodthirsty assholes.
If someone does something shitty to you, near you, or to someone else around you, it's usually not a mistake. Meaning it was done on purpose to hurt you or to fuck with you. Meaning there's nothing to forgive because they played dumb and acted innocent while performing a conscious act of malice and ensnarement meant to have the EXACT effect on you that it did and they FULLY PURPOSEFULLY MEANT to elicit the EXACT response they manufactured and generated out of you to achieve THEIR ends and desired outcomes, NOT YOURS.
They're not SORRY about what they did to you, they're HAPPY for what they did TO YOU to make THEMSELVES feel BETTER about their MISERABLE fucked up lives.
They are PROUD of themselves for ruining your life like a toddler is proud of themselves and giggling for covering the walls with paint or destroying someone's sand castle at the beach.
They think it is absolutely HILARIOUS what effect they have on us. They're in STITCHES every night doubled over chortling with laughter for all the bullshit they get away with every single day.
They're PROUD of their "work".
Our pain, suffering, misery, confusion, bewilderment, suicidal ideation, anger, life falling apart, is like a Mona Lisa painting to them. It is an ACHIEVEMENT for them.
work hoovering, that was an experience a long long time ago (when I could still work). I once worked at a place that I was suppose to be hired in at a higher pay but was kept at min. wage for nearly 2 years. when I spoke up to my manager requesting for the pay that I was agreed to be hired for, they told me no, so I waited until the busiest part of the day/week, to take off my uniform (over my clothing), handed it to the manager that told me no, and said I quit. their instant response was "BUT WE NEED YOU!" and I said "You should have thought about how much you needed me when I asked for my fair share of my wage." and found a new job within the week that paid more. after a couple of weeks, I reported a bunch of stuff the old job did that was against a lot of regulations, and made sure the good employees and the night manager who actually treated me with respect and decency gotten better opportunities (including promotions), while everyone else was fired. Basically, to the narcissist bosses out there, word of advice: you don't treat the person that knows how to work the system like absolute shit. and no, that's not the only time I made sure asshole people lose their power, but I certainly don't 'fuck around and find out' nor do I hang around in such toxic work environments, I have better things to do with my life.
My husband wants me to help him with his mom. There has been peace in my home like I haven't realized. He is trying to tell me he wants to spend time with me. That is far from the truth. He wants me to take care of his mom.
Then they start telling you YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU DON'T YOU? NO THEY DO NOT.
We expose them at all costs by all means! I don't forgive and I don't forget!
That's right the incandescent man
I am at that stage right now, have given up fixing after 17 years. Getting the brunt of every trick in the book, the endless rants, the slandering phone calls while I am around, trying to use money and my son's future to start an argument. I'm done, I have made my peace with what is coming.
This is so true. The narcissist said all the things that I so wanted to hear and hope that he meant it. And he plays on my guilt of being a nice loyal person not to “give up “ on the relationship. Oh gosh!
33:54 “ _Please_ keep persisting… if you don’t give up, you can get to the other side” - Dr. Ramani
Fake cheat on them, they will go crazy, so be careful, but, they'll hate you too much to hoover you. It worked with me.
That guilt for walking away is really tough.
Yes this is true I ended up writing a closure letter, and reaching out about 4 times after the break up and it ended up hurting me more she was so cold and heartless in her responses. They never change and never accept accountability
ex friend did this to me - a year after slowly ghosting me - it was christmas and I got a voice message with " I was wrong, etc" - I chose to move on - education is key
I actually apologized to my mom when I told her I wasn't able to visit family post partum. I told her I had been selfish... she"forgave" me!!! I have seen so many patterns with her that truly feel icky
Family members especially patents hovering is difficult to resist especially since most narc victims are empaths. But this is a test we must pass no matter how hard it is. So we can have a peaceful happy life
How brutal someone would be to use someone's vulnerabilities and manipulate them ,ignore a meaningful connection ,just to feel good about themselves.
Even after education, therapy, hypnosis, and no contact.... i still find it baffling that someone seeks YOU out, learns all there is about you, mirrors what you want, says and does all the "right things", convinces you that you are special, and then once you accept it as real and are happy (you think)... they become unhappy with your happiness, who you are, all the things you like and dislike, resent you wanting a morsel of reciprocation in the relationship, are not interested in spending time with you, and are in constant search for something better while you feed them, support them, and cater to their needs on a daily basis to keep what you once had and what they said they have always wanted. THAT IS JUST SCREWED UP! Like I said, I still am baffled by it and I work over time to remind myself that what I thought was real wasn't. Such a waste. (19 year waste).... unless I treat it like the a valuable lesson it is-getting out from underneath it all to understand it so I can move on and never make that blind mistake again. Crazy stuff. ( most importantly- now knowing WHY I was vulnerable to this kind of abuse)
Imagine two people on a ladder. They see you doing better without them. That hurts their fragile ego. Just remember that someone has to reach up to pull you down. Don't let anyone pull you down. If do get pulled down, like I did and a lot of you, climb fast and harder. Give it all you got.
I was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder for entire 2022 year and got fearful even when showing these videos.but now after seeing doctor ramini's post traumatic stress disorder video,i am aware and healed completely from the disease. Now i am much more happier but when my narcissist mother sometimes gaslights me or baiting me my trauma again gets activated again. But I am aware of symtomps so after some time it gets normal and i get my happiness back again. But i get nightmare sometimes in some weeks.
I think a defining trait of narcissit is that they cannot stand you beign happier with somebody else, or better off on your own. That's why I proposse Gloria Gaynor's "I will survive" as official narc survival hymn ^^
One person in particular in my family is so hard to deal with. It's an in-law and, therefore, married to a blood relative. There are no safe conversations around this person. It's absolutely awful. I have learned that if there is a holiday (and let me say that covid has given me a reprieve from gatherings) and I have to interact with this person, it's better if there are a lot of people there. The more people, the better. And that's because this is a person who doesn't want to miss out on a thing; is up in everyone's business......and leaving ME alone. That's the key for me, folks. It might be the key to some of you out there. The more people, the better when it comes to being in the company of this person.
Thank you for your video I like how you give real world possible scenarios that can happen in a hoover instead of just describing what a hoover is
Dr. Ramani you would be so proud. But with your help this year, I have resisted a hoover today. My birth family has abused me for the last time. I am learning how to have boundaries, going No Contact, and learning how to trust myself. Thank you!!!!
*Happy Lunar New Year!* 🐇👏🏻😊
As we welcome the Year of the Rabbit, UN Stamps has issued a new set of commemorative stamps marking this special occasion! 👏🏻😊
😊😊👏😊👏😊👏😊
I am now very tired about reading about and hearing about the Narcissist. Thank you Dr Ramani...I am now focusing on positivity not wasting any more time on these useless dumb wits. I do not know how you spend all your life talking about these toxic people....Take a good break now Dr Ramani. We thank you. x
I wonder that sometimes too.
@@stariadreamtea I am finding it exhausting listening to it now....spend time on nicer things x
As an adoptee the guilt is even stronger than ever, I experienced guilt-hoovering various times ('you have to be grateful for all we have done for you', 'if it weren't for your adoptive family who knows where you would be by now') which made them feel having the right for being controlling, emotionally abusive, etc. It's really hard to stand up against such pressure (even from society). I just want to be able to be myself and protect my own family.
Same situation as an adoptee😢. I completely understand you!
I'm so sorry.... Its horrifc to grow up feeling like someone did you a favour by taking you in. That is no way to live 😔
We all deserve to be loved and respected irrespective of our beginnings. I sincerely hope that you find love, light, and happiness in your life. I pray that good people come your way who will love, validate, and appreciate you just as you are. Sending much love to you and any another adoptee who has experienced this 💛💛💛
You don't owe anyone for raising you. You were a child you automatically deserved stable emotionally positive raising by virtue of existing. I'm sorry you've been made to feel like you should be grateful for what is a basic natural right every child has.
😤 Hugs to you sis..
When people use what they have done for you to make you feel you owe them, you know it was for their own benefit in The first place. If you do something just out of being a good person, happy to help others. You wont ever use that against them. Ever.
They are disgusted by your happiness😮 spot on! It explains a lot!
I’m dealing with a narc who can’t “figure me out” but doesn’t want to go separate ways 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
There's also the "I bought you stevie nicks tickets" hoover...
And then just wait for Hyde to jump out from behind Dr. Jekyll. It will happen. There's always a price...
Deal with the devil. Always strings attached.
Thank you so much!! I was JUST about to give in spending time with him this weekend. Ive been so conflicted about being "mean" everything you daid is SPOT on. Its like he read a manual. I needed this so bad. ❤❤❤
Stay strong, girl! Why play by the 'rules', when they don't? Give yourself a spa day instead. Forget about his "feelings"...they are truly not real. Revel in your "meaness" to him, and own the joy in protecting your heart, mind, peace, and body! Blessed be!
Thank you Dr Ramani for your invaluable advice and information. It's helping me cope with going no contact with my NPD mother. The cruelty and manipulation will no longer be tolerated. She's tried sending the soppy birthday card - hoovering and love bombing. The guilt trip, 'I never loved her anyway'. My children refuse to see her because of her behaviour. But apparently that's just me whose being cruel. The punishment, she's given all her money away to my three siblings.
I've stayed steadfast so far. She is now trying triangulation getting my aunt, her sister to get in touch. I've told the aunt also a narcissist, exactly why I won't have a relationship with my mother. She couldn't take the NPD diagnosis. The aunt raged at me, tried the biblical 5th commandment stuff. How dare you treat your mother that way. (Never mind the abuse from my mother) all she's done for you!! She's never done anything. I had to take care of myself and siblings.
Safe to say it didn't work. I'm very lucky to have my lovely cousin, the aunts daughter who recognizes her mother is the same as mine. We support each other. Such a wonderful supportive and understanding relationship. Feeling stronger everyday. Also im seeing a psychologist. It helps too. Angela Coleman
“Even a mean person to watch tv with is still a person to watch tv with.”
The one thing I’m missing the most is sitting down together on the couch watching a tv series together even though at some point before , during or after he’s going to blow up at me for something. It’s such a weird thing to miss.
I feel seen when I watch Dr.Ramani’s videos. She somehow will use examples that are exactly what happened in my relationship. It is why I come to her videos everytime I’m feeling lonely, crying or wrestling with the thoughts of returning to him . She has helped me see the light and helps me heal. I thank God for her!
After my husband resigned from his job, they had a hard time finding a replacement and called him with questions about how to do some of the things that had been his responsibility. This continued for weeks and I told him that he needed to charge them for his time and that he needed to stop taking their calls. He is a really nice guy, so he hated to ignore them and leave them hanging. I reminded him that he had given them plenty of notice and that he was miserable there. Eventually, they stopped calling.
Why can I never trell a narcissist until I am in too deep with them? The men I get involved with always seem different, healthier, etc., than the others, then, lo and behold, it's another narcissist. I was raised by a malignnt narcissist mother, but come on. I have been going through this crap for decades, with many years spent in therapy and 12 step programs, and I still can't tell when a person who is nice to me is actually love bombing me. There's a man who seems to care about me now, but I am so paranoid and convinced he might be a narc, I can't relax and find out.
Spot on, Doctor! “You always say you are a good and empathetic person. But your actions don’t show it. If you are really a good person, you would be good even when the spouse n in laws are bad to you.” This was the gaslighting and guilt tripping I experienced from the narcissistic spouse n in laws. Trapped and suffocated.
Get away far away go for your life I had a creep in my life years ago and bossy interference from a certain old fogey relative they are both dead and good riddance
"the honeymoon period IS the hoovering"
THANK YOU
"Fear will keep them in line" - Grand Moff Tarkin