Enmeshment: Healthy Boundaries & Dynamics Explained
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- Опубліковано 4 лют 2025
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Family enmeshment happens when family members become too intertwined, creating blurred boundaries and unhealthy emotional dependence. This can make it hard for everyone to grow as individuals, so recognizing the signs of enmeshment is crucial for healing and building healthier family relationships. In this video from Tim's series on Healthy Supports, he goes over the many characteristics and signs to look out for if you think you may be part of or from an overly enmeshed family.
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DISCLAIMER:
Tim Fletcher is not a doctor or licensed therapist. Tim’s videos are for informational purposes only to provide understanding, learning, and awareness about complex trauma. No information published here can replace professional evaluation, diagnosis, or treatment.
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I married into an enmeshed family. My ex-husband had zero autonomy and felt obligated to do everything his parents told him to do. They all considered it "love." However, he hated his family and had a lot of anger that he steered toward me and the kids instead. After 6 years of being the outcast in that family, and being abused by my ex, I divorced them all.... Enmeshed families are not only unhealthy but unsafe and unkind.
Thank goodness you got out!!
@writer1986 Did you ever consider maybe sending him this clip so that he can get the help he needs and in time have a healthy relationship with with his kids so they can see the father he was meant to be?
I agree
My wife is emeshed with her family
@@AndeH7That’s not a good idea. Change requires self awareness and a vested interest to do so. The first step, in AA 12 Steps (these steps can apply to any vice), requires the person admit they have a problem. There can be no change if the person doesn’t believe they are enmeshed. Also, people don’t take kindly to you telling them, or insinuating, what they should do.
Growing up in an enmeshed home felt like I was gasping for air every day of my life. It NEVER felt healthy, I was the scapegoat.
I'm the scapegoat too. If you don't mind answering this question; does it bother you to hear channels where they call scapegoats "the chosen ones"? I ask because it bothers me a lot and it sounds to me like a sad joke and quite narcissistic. Thank you.
@@Lyrielonwind OMG, thank you so much for this question. Sorry for the delay in answering, YT is slow these days. YES, YES and YES!!!! I HATE being called the chosen one, chosen for what? For my whole life to be destroyed by the people who brought me into this world? WHY??? I have never had a "normal" relationship, never been included in anything, and have been ridiculed since the day I was born. I'd give my chosen position to anyone who thinks I was chosen. It's like a slap in the face, after you've been punched in it your whole life. And then to be labelled "BPD, neurodivergent, codependent, empath", I don't want any of these stupid labels. I just my life to be somewhat normal. Can you tell me how your has gone as a scapegoat, I would love to hear your side too.
And probably you felt guilt as well.
@@Chris-dt5td For being chosen, or for the titles given?
@@bumblebee_ms It is a good question. I think that in a disfunctional family, the person prone to feel guilt becomes the target for scapegoating.
Best video I have seen on this topic and thank you! I married my husband 35 years ago and his enmeshed family (who live next door, gah) have put me through utter hell. I never fell into line or tried to fit in, not in any way. I was loving and carefree and had a tight group of friends and they hated me for all of it. They turned my husband's only child against me and as a result we have had to go no contact due to his complete and utter disrespect for us both. My husband's brother is 66 and hasn't had a girlfriend since college, he visits his parents two, sometimes three times a day. I am only now realizing why this behavior is so terribly triggering for me. We are planning on moving as far away as possible as soon as we find the right home.
The worst bit about this is how it ruined adult relationships and affected my ability to stand up for myself
Same.
Yeah that's why you're here. You experienced pain and you are now trying to understand what happened and heal the damage. This is great. Please keep going on your pace and I bet you will build healthier adult relationships. I dunno about your parents, but with me, there was love and enjoyment. And now I'm trying to get the truth that it's possible to experience love with adults that take care of you and don't use their love to control you.
@@candycrystalpremium with me it was mainly control with some love. The familial relationship felt like a sacrifice which gave the message I had to sacrifice me to be in a close relationship. Relationships were not fun but a duty
I grew up in an emeshed family and was the scapegoat. I always felt this was not right. I grew up and married a man that came from an emeshed family but he was the golden child. His family treated me very badly and he could not find the strength to stand up to them for us. He would get physically sick over it. I had to leave him. We are still good co parents to our children but now that I have been on a healing journey with therapy and knowledge, I now understand that we both came from enmeshment and I broke free and he didn’t. Nor did he recognize what this is. He allows me to have the lead in raising our children with love and support and stands behind me to break the generational cycles that I tell him about but we are proof that these toxic family systems will ruin you future life and happiness if you aren’t able to get in front of it.
Loved the message. Thank you. Completely relate on many levels.
Thank you for sharing. What would you say is the most important aspect to focus on when trying to break free and get in front of all of this?
❤
Whyibwcame an old maid,ditto
Making the decision @@ZeCahli
Every time I listen to your msgs I gain sooo much mentally and psychology. Thank you for your msgs, your delivery, and your heart for people. AND THANK YOU FOR NOT USING SHAME IN YOUR MSGS!!! ❤. 😊
Not saying all Mormon families are like this, but this is exactly my Mormon family. Born and raised Mormon to deeply believing parents who did what they thought was best and now I have to deal with the mess I feel inside so that my kids don't grow up in fear, thinking they have to follow everything because the church, or the group, is more important than yourself. This is not an attack on the church this is my experience growing up in a devout family. Yours may be different, but please bear in mind you can only speak for yourself, and hopefully you can allow your children to think for themselves.
Any kind of shame based religious families work the same.
Being raised in a narcissistic family feels exactly like being raised in a cult.
My family is Catholic and my mother thinks she's the daughter of Mother Mary which doesn't leave Mother Mary in a good place.
@@LyrielonwindI was absorbed in the conversation between you two and enjoyed both of your comments, as ya'll have intellect and respect. Beautiful! And I agree with each own comments.... then I finished reading your comment and you deserve an award for the most humorous yet unexpected comment ever, imo!!!! 😂🎉
@fhmoth Religious NPDs go into magical thinking by creating a grandiose self image to immerse themselves in. You don't create an avatar of yourself with magical powers because you have conquered your demons. You create a magical avatar of yourself to feel powerful during the super ego injunctions. That's why they can't let God be God and use the mercy that is key to healthy spiritually. It's very weird and difficult to understand. But that's what humans do sometimes when they don't want to change. To be healthy you have to see your own need to improve yourself. They don't at all when they play their avatar role.
I used to always say "I love my family so much but we are too close!" Never realizing that I was announcing my enmeshment without comprehending it 😢. I'm glad I see it now and this video gave me more framework to talk about my enmeshed traits
Describing my childhood. I “wasn’t allowed” to say no. I also moved across the country to live in CA and was guilted every single day and begged to come home…
Yikes, this is my family! My brother & I were adopted from different families and so my parents set up an enmeshed family unit in order to always appear like they thought a biological family was like. I always knew our family felt wrong/claustrophobic and did everything to escape it in my earlier life. The video opened my eyes and also validated how I've always felt. Thank you Tim.
My ex-narcissist’s family was hugely enmeshed. They were a cult-like family.
My family is a death cult.
Same. I'm really starting to believe this is the root of their suffering and the confusion/destruction they create in relationships. His father is a big CEO and President; family is highly involved in businesses.
@@JulesB93wow. So is it almost as if they try to twist and pervert normal thoughts/relationships/etc purposely knowing what they are doing???? This is huge! Thanks for input!
@@ProtectedSelectedElected well see I think it's more complicated than that. Narcissists are aware of their actions, but they don't necessarily understand how they affect people. As a child, they were never allowed to get in touch with themselves (their wants, needs, feelings, and emotions), because they were so preoccupied with meeting their caregivers and mirroring what they want. They were parentified and never developed a self identity. Just one of the reasons they need to feel needed and wanted. They see the parent in you that they feel they need to "fix." From my experience, I was his self-esteem and his identity. They don't see you as a seperate being, but one. Enmeshment is not discussed enough with Narcissism, but look into it and you might see what I mean. It was a term coined by Salvador Minuchin, but it's been pioneered by people like Dr. Ken Adams, who I deeply respect.
Blows my frigging mind how spot on Tim is and how often. Ty for mentioning not everyone with cptsd comes from enmeshment bc there are some pl in groups that i mention it to and theyre like whaaaa?! I thought everyone with trauma has enmeshment stuff 😅
As a parent of adult children now im trying to pull back and learn boundaries / not interfere..
I always hated seeing other kids from other families have their own choices, it made me jealous.
When the kid said no to their parent, it was honoured. That was not my reality.
And then I was ridiculed and bullied by the same kids who had freedom.
I was never allowed to say no, ever.
@@beadingbelle3486 me either
@@beadingbelle3486 That's why my whole life I accepted abuse, coz I was NEVER allowed to speak up and say NO! So sorry we all went thru this crap.
@@helpfulbitsandentertainment I'm really sorry you also went thru this. It is painful and triggering.
Control is at the root and so is selfishness. I have seen this in families with narcissistic mothers even iinto their adult lives. It’s all about maintaining control and keeping the loyalty bond she created with them when they were small. Wish more adults could look at their parents and see what they have
created and how unhealthy they are instead of serving them .
My therapist always said I was put on the back burner, I was the outsider in my family. I saw it after therapy, but sometimes i wondered if it was better that I never knew I was an outsider. ... I am not welcome, I'm the outsider, now more so than ever. I also wonder if this is a good thing. Now I'm a people pleaser, I try to break free of this, but then I feel guilty. 😔
After 2 and half years of therapy, I am taking my first guilt - free (mostly lol)vacation from work. I requested the time without apologizing for it- also a first for me. It gets easier, and you will also begin to see the places and people/things you want to say yes to, and have more energy to focus on those things, when you're not rat-racing to keep the world around you happy all the time
Bless you, Tim! Many thanks!
Families like this are mini cults.
Families like this are led by BPD and narcissists.
0 secrets = family
1 secret = cult
2 secrets = mlm cult
3 secrets = jw
4 secrets = modern mormonism
5 secrets = jones town
6 secrets = historical morminism
Families who have secrets are just cults, i think as well.
Very new thing for me.. we were definitely an enmeshed family. Have to look closer into that. Thank you for sharing. Have a nice evening.
I wish I could send this to my ex. This is her family exactly.. Every word is accurate. They treated their son in law like he wasn't included segregated from the rest of the world. Maybe UA-cam will recommend it to her.
@@brbierdeman same bro!
Same bro!
There's enmeshment in my family but they always treat in laws better than some of it's members. Anyway, there's lots of gossiping among everyone involved which looks like the kind of dynamics you might find in a group of toxic teenagers like people talking horrible about the one who isn't there.
There was a little bit of this going on at home, but not to the extent I often hear about from others. Still, there is some emotional incest going on with one of my family members. I sometimes feel like I'm married to this person.
Reminds me of "I just can't smile without you." Song
Blessings from Sweden 🇸🇪
Tim u deserve honor from God xoxo
Preach!
There is only one man who DESERVES honor from God. Jesus Christ. But even he did not consider equality with God as something to be grasped.
Amen!! Surely He's proud of him!!!
Can we talk about the fact when enmeshed children grow up… and remove themselves from the ‘source’… it feels paralyzing or overwhelming to be in the ‘real’ world? Lots of analysis paralysis… you’re technically ’free’.. but you’re really NOT!
It’s like you’re institutionalized…😢
@FAN_PAGE_SUPPOERTER stop spamming
This sounds like my upbringing, and now my marriage….
It never ends does it?
The good thing about being scapegoated is that your new partner doesn't have to fit in with any family because there isn't one to fit in with.
Thanks
Guilt is used alot
Ok. This is so tricky. I feel like culture and political values play a role here too. We can see this attitude transposed into larger social systems. But here's the kicker ....there are real consequences in today's society for not doing right by the mob. You could even lose your children! And yet when I look for an alternative group besides just the familiar secular institutions around me, all I see are see religious institutions where it is literally a part of the dogma to shut yourself down in support of the supposed "kingdom of god.". How can a person develop healthy boundaries and find community life that is both safe for families and still gives more opportunities to outsource learning and connections besides just within the family???
Every category of place will have examples of both good and bad, you may just have to keep looking for good ones. Area may influence this as well on how easy that is or isn't, my area is pretty good about this, but I know others who have struggled massively to find anything decent
Expanding where you're looking might help if you're able. It sucks when a search keeps turning up bad finds like this, but it isn't hopeless
There's a community out of AA groups named ACA or Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families.
Al Anon can also be helpful even if there is no one with addiction problems. Dysfunctional Families don't have to be related to addiction but they share toxic dynamics.
What I’m finding with my about to be ex, is that the kids never grow up have grown into being complete narcissists.
I hate what I'm going through.
Thank God I got out!
People say it takes a village to raise a child.
What if the village is along the same lines? 🤔🧐
You get burned at stake on the main square of the village like in times of witch hunts.
There are videos of Rene Girard on UA-cam. He was a philosopher and anthropologist and wrote books about scapegoating on ancestral societies.
@@Lyrielonwind interesting 🧐
So if the parents believe their children should get good grades, play a certain sport and go to college to become say, lawyers like their parents and the village feels and thinks along the same lines….then it’s “off with their heads”?
This is my mother
I have a question. Is this just identification with an ingroup taken to a whole 'nuther level?
😅 Amazing thank you
I'm currently looking for information about the dynamics between two people with cptsd and I can't find anything on the internet.
I have met a woman who said she had cptsd and went from praising God for finding me in front of a group to rejecting me because I triggered her once they were gone.
I already know she's a narcissist because later she messaged me and I told her I didn't think it was a good idea and she answered back saying she wasn't my therapist. I told her she was projecting on me and that she trauma dumped me too.
Anyway, I would like to have more information because I don't want to reject anyone with cptsd and I want to be able to tell them from a narcissist playing cptsd victim or victim of narcissistic abuse.
Thanks
what did she say you triggered her about?
A certain reality tv family comes to mind...
Jesus Christ of Nazareth....
So there's no hope and no love and you are doing everything wrong according to every thumbnail title here. Very scary to give yourself over to a psychologist who tells you there's no love. It seems very negative and I wouldn't want a therapist who tells you that hope for real love is a horrible thing. Is anyone else sick of therapists who seem to hate hope and would rather you be filled with unbelief in love. If they do that it's making people sicker. Is that profitable? Are we supposed to have no hope in anyone or anything? Why live if you believe in nothing? How can people do better than that? The title gives me no confidence to watch it. People don't stick together enough because we stopped caring about staying together as a people. Maybe we don't have enough emeshment. Maybe everyone hates each other too much. Sheesh Tim. I hear enough people telling our youth not to have hope in anyone or anything. At some point pushing that meme sucks tremendously.
The Garden of the Prophet by Kalil Gibran.
@Lyrielonwind Says what? That prophecy is bittersweet? I already know that. Have you noticed that psychology has become more focused on the victims than they are the predators? If they started going to the police and helping people who have been abused because they have mountains of confessions of abuse. But they never make videos galore to expose the psycopathy increasing in the world. If they go after the victims' psychology and never the predators' psychology, then they are not helping justice become more prevalent in the world. If a therapist wants to drag the victims' emeshment and co dependence, but they never call out the predatory abusers and drag their corruption all over the internet with videos calling out large groups of predators. Psychologists know where large groups of predators operate. They have had mountains of victims confessions, so how can they forget to help the police or tell the public that there's an abuse problem in some areas. That would be constructive. Not many self-help gurus will tell you that they recognize psychopathic pockets of abusers and the people who enable and profit from abuse. If they did, we might have fewer kiddie porn rings in the world. Ever think about that? Maybe it's time to ask if the therapists covertly let this abuse go on. Many therapists abuse their patients like Dr. Money did. He was just exposed by Jordan Peterson. Have you noticed that Canada has made an industrial market for rehab because their fentanyl problem is out of control. But what therapist in Canada who must know where the head drug dealers are by listening to their victims, and they don't call out the head drug king pins or their psycopathy? Have you noticed the imbalance? I listened to therapists who outline the state sanctioned abuse of their people, and they call out the psychopaths on their crimes. But not in Canada they don't. Gabor and Tim make tons of money off the fentanyl epidemic in Canada. They might have made it into an industry that just keeps a status quo of chaos in place. That's not homeo stasis for your community, is it? No hope in this situation makes someone money by keeping people sick and letting predators modus operandi have a cover.
Healthy relationships have boundaries. That’s true whether it’s personal, business, romantic, friends, family and everything else.
Well said. I’ve picked up on that same narrative from many of these videos. Emotional hyper-independence or bust lol. Don’t get me wrong they share a lot of factual information about these dynamics to raise awareness but at the same time they pepper it with the answer being “believing in finding love and hope in your life is a toxic behavioral symptom not rooted in reality” lmao
@SweetSunrising "The narcissist is happy in misery, as long as they can victimize someone. " Richard Grannon. Usually in their own family. Yes. I have seen that. I understand.
@tismejackieg what’s she saying
Lesson of the day: don't wrap yourself inbird.netting