(RESPONSE) When She's Not Interested in Sex
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- Опубліковано 28 лип 2024
- Christopher West and Jason Clark discuss Christopher's video "When She's Not Interested in Sex (What Catholic Husbands Should Do)." Reading your comments, Christopher and Jason dive into the delicate and complex issues of sexual intimacy in marriage as they relate to living and loving chastely in the image and likeness of God.
Watch the original video here - • When She's Not Interes...
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I'm struggling right now. And I already recognized what you said: right now I am not desirable to my wife because I am not being good husband. Period. I'm working at bettering myself but I need more prayer, sacrifice. I need God. Jesus help me.
Prayers 🙏 Admitting you have a problem is a great start! Confession monthly at least, adoration as often as u can. pray for your wife. Take her on a date with no expectations. Tell her you are working on yourself and be consistent.
@@myrnamendez8013 I need to be more proactive about confession, it used to be easy before mass but now there's never a priest, it's been about a month but I generally need to go every two weeks xD.
Yeah praying, I'm working on that too, and we have dates on Saturdays but maybe a surprise might be in order.
Were you talking to my wife? Consistently is my Achilles heel in all aspects of life except my kids sleep routines. Thank you for your advice I'm taking it to heart! God love you!
Love is never conditional. It wants you to improve your condition for sure, but authentic love is not conditional. If your wife is putting conditions on you for love - she is not authentically loving you. Do you need to improve your condition - it is likely. We always need to grow... but it sounds like perhapse your wife needs to as well.
@@bjdenil hi! Love if your meaning "to look for the good of the other for the other" is unconditional yes. Sex is not unconditional, if I'm being a thoughtless jerk why would she want to be with me, it's not like oh if you don't have the trash out by 5 no sex for you ( what an unexpected Seinfeld reference xD) it's more of not being present, not doing what I say I'm going to do which is a turn off, which I don't think is what your getting at. But maybe you understand better. I'm having an issue with being connected with the moment.
@@christianRafaelCasti My question to you sir and I'll play devil's advocate, If you do get your ducks in a row and be more tentative to your wife what will be her excuse then for not having sex? Because I always feel there's going to be something.
That's really good, gentlemen. We have to do everything with love. I think this is really important to Christian sexual ethics. Keep encouraging us to the higher calling of really having the love of God change our heart so that we treat sex as something loving and not just self-gratifying.
Dude idk about you but if she's not happy during sex I'm not satisfied at all. Everyone knows sex isn't self gratifying in Christian relationships but women turn sex into a chore and a weapon
16:45 AMEN. This absolutely true! How beautiful. I had never felt communion with God, the presence of the Holy Spirit in intimacy until stepping out in humility. Even though I recognized being used at times, I stepped over my self pride and realized I can still be a gift and reach my spouse's want of being known. This is Such a pathway to healing and grace., when of course we are open to life and very sensitive to not using our husbands. These things are of utmost importance. I encourage other women to consider the gift of self in humility, especially women who's husbands are away from the faith/not open to Christ's love overtly. Sex is place that can bring you so close to Christ. It is pure and beautiful and good! Pray to find a good confessor to help you process this, too.
Simcha Fisher has a blog post "Life is too short for bad sex with a good husband" (following up with a reader comment on her book _The Sinner's Guide to Natural Family Planning_) that is a similar take on this.
I heard from Pints with aquinas that sexual desire is not the same as lust. I think lust is all about the will, if you will to use someone as an object, you're committing evil.
Wow! This talk, this ministry WILL SAVE SOULS... PRAISE GOD FOR THESE TWO!!
Very beautiful explanation! its soooo hard to explain this to my teenage boys!
If you weren't cut out to be a parent you shouldn't have had kids.
@@ez-g3090 uncalled for
There’s nothing wrong with desiring our spouses ….we are supposed to be turned on by them …I see what he’s trying to say but it doesn’t compute…this leads to confusion and over analyzing…so whenever I desire my husband i should think deeply about it? We were given our spouses for spiritual purposes yes but also physical so we don’t burn in passion…
Yeah West can be too analytical and intellectual but the answer is clear to me. Is a spouse looking to just "get off," or do they want to express physical intimacy and physically please their spouse? I mean we all hear about the stereotype of the man rolling over and sleeping when he's done.
It's a really stupid video and the answer is simple. Just have sex as much as possible and it would fix everything. I read several articles written by women who decided to have sex everyday with their husbands for an entire year. And all of the women who wrote These articles reported a higher satisfaction in life, in themselves, and in their relationships. There was literally no downsides in any of the articles I read. And they were all written by women. The sex problem is something that most women are doing to themselves and it could be fixed so easily if they would let themselves enjoy it
@@star.e.eyed. If he would have just said that , he could of saved 22 min -
I will 100% agree that the man must discover whether or not his desire for having sex with his wife is properly ordered. As Chris and Jason said, it is essential to protecting a healthy marriage and not making the wife feel used.
However, this video was a poor response to the comments of the original video. Looking back in those comments, there are many that ask the question about, when the man is correctly ordered, and his wife rejects him. Instead they chose one comment rather than the multiple comments asking about how a wife should react when her husband desires to have sex with her in a good and pure way but she is just not feeling it.
This has been a common theme in the comments yet it goes unaddressed. There are good and holy men who have their sexual desires correctly ordered yet their wives are rejecting their advances not because they feel they are being used but because they are not "in the mood" or there are other things they would rather be doing. Much of this reaction stems from a low libido or even general laziness. It is wrong to assume that the only reason why a woman doesn't want to have sex because she feels like she is being used.
Essentially, there is also a duty of the wife to make sure she is attentive to her husband because men feel a sense of love and closeness through sex in a very pure, holy, and ordered way. The fact that Chris and Jason do not even touch on this is a great disservice to men who feel lonely and abandoned despite doing their best to ensure lust does not enter their desire for sex with their wives.
Well if a girl is taught at an early age she needs to be "gate keeper" and her sexual value is based upon her virginity, and then indoctrinated in her childhood with a unhealthy view of sex, its sinful, dirty, and for her husband, just for making babies, and then tac on 20,25 years being A sexual, its hard to turn that switch. It could be as simple as the sex she's having isn't worth it in her mind? ….This what I waited for?
Yeah I notice they like to cherry comments for there narrative. and when they cant give a good answer , they'll just tell you to pray harder
Women are very sensitive. They know when they are being used. Even if the husband think that he has his sexual desire correctly ordered, are they truly loving their wife. Do they criticize, blame, ridicule the wife rather than encouraging them? Verbal abuse is the worst form of abuse inflicted on others. It is irreversible and can only be mended through intervention of God.
if the women feel loved, sex comes naturally. If you watch Pretty Woman then you know that they don't just kiss any man.
@huios974 I'm glad you said this. Women are sensitive. Verbal abuse does a lot to damage a person and to a marriage. My husband was also verbally abusive for years and it didn't help intimacy. When he we want abusive, he was depressed and we'd average sex once a year. Untreated depression does harm to a marriage, too. After we had a baby we weren't intimate for nearly 2 years. I can hear people screaming already about how a terrible wife I must've been for"denying" my husband but it's hard to put out so to speak when your self-worth is down to nothing. Not to mention the monthly issues I'd get that doctors can't figure out.
People need to understand that many marriages and many people aren't well-formed or ordered well and women pretending to enjoy sex or lying there doesn't help either. Women can fake it until they make it all people want but the intimacy and desire won't be there.
What should wives do if they aren't feeling amorous? Many years ago on a Christian site, a woman said she often wasn't in the mood and spent a lot of time staring at the ceiling thinking about the errands list. Do men really want that, as long as their physical needs are being met?
@@star.e.eyed. it doesn’t bother them as long as they get it released!
I have found that "Spiritual Intimacy" far outweighs "Physical Intimacy"...and the Spiritual fulfills the Physical, through the Faith of both Husband and Wife. Sex, too, shall pass (with time), but our share in the love of Christ will last forever! Amen
I was thinking about this a lot recently and I just can't get over the fact that God gave humans a desire for physical intimacy when the spiritual one is clearly superior. He could just easily made us desire only spiritual connection and even procreation could be transformed into a spiritual bond instead of a physical one. Babies would be born from a spiritual union between the husband and the wife and a lot of problems would be solved. It is just weird to me why we have sexual desires in this life yet we won't have them in heaven because we will be like angels as Jesus said. It is indeed a great mystery...
To will somthing is an act of the spirit, to be physically intimate is a spiritual act as long as both are willing it then they are both spiritualy and physically intimate. Our Lord is given to us physically and spiritualy (body, blood, soul and divinity) Unless I'm misunderstanding what you mean; how would you define spiritual intimacy? What is a spiritual act?
@@christianRafaelCasti as long as both are willing it then they are both spiritually and physically intimate.
I do believe one is more willing then other most of time. as I read Christian marriage advice, I would say 80% is geared to trying to talk the wife into having sex with the husband. ( sexual responsiveness = Even if you don't want to do it if you just start having sex you'll start to enjoy it. This one you hear a lot.)
If spiritual intimacy is all you need then don't get married
@@smokingcrab2290 Right, go be priest.
It’s so frustrating to be wired opposite of one another. I want to be seen and accepted but not have it turn sexual. Turning it physical, rather than intellectual and emotional, ruins the connection 😕
If you don't want a physical connection to your husband then why did you marry him? Why not enjoy the physical? Why not talk during sex a little? If you wanted a pen pal or a friend you should have just stayed single. Being just intellectual and emotional all the time without the physical connection is not a consummate relationship.
Then why don't you be with someone who is wired similar to you
Perhaps a video like this should be started off by congratulating any male (or female) for becoming/remaining a Catholic or Christian in this aggressively addictive and pornographic society. I like what Chris said about approximating holiness as best we can and seeking to move into a place that’s better then where we sit currently. To hear how these men talk about “sharing seed” sounds overly pious and alienating to normal folks who don’t nose dive in to JPII’s TOB. Sexuality is far more messy than can be spoken about and can’t be crammed into a “holiness” box or a “selfish/lust” box. Bottom are these two thoughts- 1) The original video sounded smug and was flippant towards men and their role in marital conflict. 2) Both parties are called to give selflessly to one another. That means being a listening and attentive husband that doesn’t boss his wife around and demand sex. It also means a wife that doesn’t turn her husband down without a good reason or make him feel less than for being exactly what we all are- sinful, broken beings (who are also sexual in nature).
Thank you.
You're so welcome!
I think the Marriage Act sets out certain obligations. Father Ripperger talks about that. If you're interested, do your research. I'm not sure they are entirely right in this video. Anyway, thank you.
Yes, you are right some of the stuff they talk about, doctors of the church, take an office of you!
Gee wizz Chris, I love how you always deliver such clarity in outstanding work. The Layman needs more of these TOB topics of discussion. Live Jesus our love and Mary our hope.
Well said gentlemen! I sure will try to explain this to my adult children. Sure wished I had married a Catholic. I believe the Catholic Faith has a duty to make sure everyone is adequately prepared for marriage. I sure was not...and because of this I am certain I could get my marriage annulled. Without my children my life would be terribly lonely. Keep up the videos.
I love the videos, but could someone translate them or put subtitles in Spanish?Thanks!
Man, this Theology of the Body stuff is heavy. Makes me realize how woefully unprepared I am for marriage. Good thing I don't even have a girlfriend.
We encourage you to keep going deeper, brother!
What to do if youve done the work and shes still not interested? How many years is a man supposed to be unhappy and unfulfilled?
We are supposed to "drink deeply" of our wives.
My wife hasnt been thirsty in years and im struggling to even enjoy being alive at this point.
I crave sex 24/7 and without an outlet im going insane. But i dont seem to have any options except for Sin.
So am i supposed to remain so miserable that i crave death? Forever? Am i required to just be unhappy until i die?
I’m not so sure about theses guys !
Havent heard this whole talk but on other video I watched he was sounding like he was going against church father st Thomas. This stuff is deep but I think there kinda lame in this point in my life.
Have you checked out
Rules for retrogrades?
They Got some good stuff or Stephanie Gordon had a good talk last night
They’re pretty sound on doctrine of the church , but are more
Down to earth with this stuff!
I feel like this channel is way into the clouds
with this stuff.
So what's wrong if I just wanna get off? Why is that bad? Because men shouldn't have the right to get off whenever they want? Intimate love and getting off go hand in hand.
Catholic teaching doesn't seem to have a very good grasp on women's sexuality. Calling sex "the conjugal act" as though sex consists of one act kind of makes my point.
Wow the comments here and on the other video are beyond frustrating to read. It seems that few people have ever experienced health issues, marital problems, depression, or just being plain exhausted from the day! The Bible says couples aren't supposed to deny each other for a long period of time. Not having sex every single time you want it isn't a sin.
You're not supposed to deny your spouse at all unless it's mutual. Imagine if the husbands told their wives "you know I know you want emotional connection, money, security, help with the kids, but im just not in the mood.. And that's not a sin"
@smokingcrab2290 Equating a husband not doing the things you listed, to a wife not having sex that is inherently dysfunctional.
Sex is not currency. You do not exchange it. Providing emotional connection, money, security, help with parenting with an expectation of sex does not honor your spouse or your marriage. Providing those things contigent on sex is abuse. Withholding the things you mentioned or threatening to withhold the things you mentioned in order to get sex is coercion.
It is not reasonable to expect a wife to submit in good faith to her husband, if he is not being dominant and providing in good faith.
In a marriage that is functioning and using sex as it is intended and directed to be used, the only thing equivalent to a wife not feeling like having sex with her husband, is a husband not feeling like having sex with his wife.
Furthermore, consistently having to have sex when you don't "feel like" is not healthy, especially for women, particularly women who have given birth. Having sex when you aren't properly aroused physically and mentally not only can lower sex drive, but can also can also cause dysfunction of pelvic floor muscles severe enough that sex actually becomes physically painful.
@@smokingcrab2290 Ugh. Another person saying you’re never allowed to say no. The verse was written in a time where sexual sins were rampant. Married people were becoming celibate to be more holy. A better translation of the “do not deprive” was “do not defraud”… do not become CELIBATE in marriage. Unfortunately people like you take that verse as a literal meaning “do not deprive me of sexual release whenever I desire it.” For Christian’s who are supposed to look at another’s needs as greater than theirs, it seems in the area of sex, the higher drive’s sexual selfishness is deemed ok. YOU need to meet my sexual needs but if that hurts you, it doesn’t matter as long as MY needs are being met.
Could you stop twisting the scriptures to fit your own narrative it specifically says do not deprive each other and also says that you are only allowed to be s****** for a limited period of time even that to be dedicated for fasting and prayer
@@ravenevergreen4801contradicting? what you descripted is a unspoken barter , between 2 people it's all give take
Better not to get married in the first place.
Interesting that the title was "When she is not interested in Sex" and all I'm hearing is talk about male sexuality.
That because 80% of Christian marriage advice is helping the husband to try, and talk his wife into having sex.
love ot
but what Chris is describing *is* selfish, even if it's understandable. needing to have your essence affirmed is not a self-giving motive for sex. it's just an emotional selfishness rather than physical selfishness. i say this as a person who actually thinks it's ok to want things for yourself out of sex, but this is not the meaningful distinction he thinks it is.
I think it should be if both parties work hard to pleasure each other to the best of their ability you'll get needs met.
Sex is amazing and beautiful. In Christian marriages, I don't understand why women reject their husbands. I've read several articles where women decided to have sex with their men 365 days outta the year for a year straight. And ALL of them reported to have much better lives in every way. Self esteem, more love, less fights, better sleep, less stress, etc.
I want sex with my wife to connect deeply with her. I'm a good husband. I don't understand why I still get rejected and she makes excuses. She doesn't see sex the way I do. For her, sex is like a road trip. It's can be fun for her but only when she's in the mood, and she has to prepare for it mentally, and most of the time she'd rather stay at home. She has no desire to explore and see how incredible it can be. It's not fulfilling for her like it is for me. And it doesn't matter what boxes I'm checking. I can check them all and still get rejected.
I think you guys are way over thinking it. Sex is a beautiful blessing and it should be indulged in cheerfully by both married partners.
The fact that you can't understand why sex is not as desirable for her as it is for you shows that you truly lack understanding of her physical wellbeing and that may extend to her emotional wellbeing as well. Women are simply not wired the same way as men are. Men are fertile 24/7. Women are fertile one week max per month. Both usually desire sex based on fertility. Men want a physical connection whereas women prefer an emotional one. You said you check all the boxes. Are those boxes determined by you? Is simply earning a living and coming home after work checking the boxes? Do you treat her nicely all the time or only in the hopes you get sex in return? Wives pick up on this conditional affection very quickly. For example, you will see comments from wives saying that they are completely stressed out by the children and the home and are tight as a knot, but they don't dare ask their husbands for a massage because it always leads to sex. That's conditional love. A women would be more receptive if her husband just gives to her without expecting anything in return.
Women need to feel connected first. They usually want to feel intimacy first. If you are a jerk for example, her body is likely to not want any part of it and shuts down. Women are not going to want to be physically vulnerable in a situation where the man is not gentle or kind/ tries to control things (and I'm not implying this is your situation). This is instinct. Women need the connection first. If there is no romance, and the situation she sees is "you don't have sex enough, every good couple has sex daily and you're not even close blah blah blah", that's what her body and mind have to work with to get her in the mood. Plus that criticism is what the man feels and wants with no concern to how he can help her fet in the mood. It's like dancing on sprained ankles, with the dance partner is saying, "Gosh why won't you just dance more, It's like you don't care about dancing or me", and you're thinking, "I feel so unimportant to you, if you cared you wouldn't want me dancing on my injury."
Most females are lesbians
@@emily43210no it means his wife is not attracted to him and a lot of women are lesbians in denial my wife for example does not deny me does not matter how I behave because she is extremely attracted to me btw asexual women should not get married or they should be with men with erectile disfunction and if you need connection before you wanting to have sex then you are bisexual or dimisdxual
@@emily43210 Typical, it's always the man's fault ,but yet most women have 0 emotional intelligence. My wife got much better when she started thinking with her head then what her "feelings" were. I would work some days 12 to 16 hr - I didn't have time to schedule date nights, or a lot Romance - ( For me it would be doing things together, walks, playing cards. whatever.) I worked these hours because she wanted to be a samh - there is a give and take - after a while she seemed to forget this. Getting sex was like disarming a bomb - one wrong move and it would go off ( forgot to take garbage out - or some other minor thing ) looking for excuses.
I think as long as we embody the role of a man, is going to be inevitable for the woman to have erotic desire to that role, so when a women has no desire, then, are we fulfilling the role of a man?, but just my opinion, what do I know I am not even married
No I am engaged so I don't have much to say either but there is some truth to what your thoughts. Read wild at heart
Tuve que leer esto 10 veces. Yeah I think you're hitting the nail on the head. A man who is fulfilling his role is desirable , faithful, consistent, thoughtful, hardworking, loving, virtuous, a leader ect. Being another child in the house makes your wife your mother. Not trying to do what she wants makes it seem like you don't care even if you say you do.
Edit: Only Married 5 years, 2 kids
Not true. You can be doing everything right and she can still not want you. Hormones, stressing themselves out over bs in their heads, someone said something to them and it ruined their day, you folded the laundry wrong, blah blah blah they come up with countless excuses.
@@smokingcrab2290 Some women have 0 emotional intelligence - Its about Feelings and not if her husband is a good provider for the family - Could be the hardest working husband ,and father, but she doesn't have those romantic feelings she had in the beginning of their marriage 10, 15 yrs ago and doesn't know why?
When she's not interested in sex the husband should leave leave her. She's not doing her job why should he stick around and continue providing in other area?
Totally agree !
Oh boy. Women need emotional intimacy before sex. If you show you don't care about her feelings or her needs, and that it's transactional (you give sex or else) and actually selfish, there is no way she will feel safe (emotionally) and loved, and her body will shut down in some form during sex as a protective measure. It's probably something to do with the fact that carrying a baby is a huge risk for a woman (while a man could have sex less selectively). It's dangerous for her to sleep with a man who is not connected to her, if he doesn't value her, she is not safe to have his kid, he could run off, he could treat her badly and she'd be dependent on him to take care of them etc. So anyways, she needs to be genuinely valued or at least perceive that. And part of feeling safe is knowing the other person doesn't care about you just for what you give them, but they care about you and your wellbeing.
@@emily43210 like I said, if she won't put out, then she can move out. There's always a young, still fertile woman who just turned 18 willing to cooperate.
@@emily43210just cut those unnecessary shit and cut to the rute issue which is crazy low harmones