Why 'Live and Let Live' Doesn't Work || Mayim Bialik
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- Опубліковано 13 жов 2024
- Hi, I’m Mayim Bialik (yes, Amy from The Big Bang Theory!) and today’s vlog is about people saying "live and let live" when faced with someone doing something they don't agree with. Here's why I don't think this philosophy makes sense along with some suggestions for how to have a productive debate!
"I Was Wrong About Open Relationships" • I Was Wrong About Open...
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You may know me as Amy Farrah Fowler from The Big Bang Theory, or from Blossom, but hopefully, these videos allow you to get to know me better as Mayim, too! Subscribe to my channel for video updates. We publish new videos every Thursday!
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About Mayim Bialik:
You might know me as Amy Farrah Fowler from The Big Bang Theory or from Blossom but there are so many other parts of me that you might not be aware of! I’m trained as a neuroscientist, I'm a passionate activist, an observant jew, a perfectly imperfect mother, and I'm a complicated human being like many of you. This is the place where I wear all of those hats - and none of them have a flower on them! ;)
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My take on live and let live is - if everyone wears blue, don't attack the person who wears orange. You can be interested enough to ask why they wear orange and they can ask why you wear blue, but in the end, you can both wear the colour you choose because, live and let live.
Snow Crone nailed it
This
Yes !
Agreed, you do you - as long as what you are doing doesn't affect me or society negatively. I genuinely couldn't care less what you do to you then, live and let live :)
Snow Crone This! basically don't judge. I think (but don't judge!) Mayim interprets its meaning incorrectly
I say that not to shut down conversation but I feel adults have the right to live their life as they please as long as they are not hurting anyone. And yes it is fine to try to understand or have questions about someone's lifestyle that is different than your own. I don't get open relationships either but it works for others.
I'm childfree so my lifestyle does get questioned..allot. People ask questions and pass judgment on me because I have made the decision not not have children. It doesn't affect or impact anyone but myself and my husband. Globally I'm not bringing another mass consumer to the world. And yes..I'll have a discussion with anyone who truly wants to know or understand my lifestyle.
So for me..the statment..live and let live..is me accepting someone who thinks differently than I do.
Susan Burris suicide doesn't hurt anyone else, as long as that person doesn't have kids, right?
Amy Dye...there is a difference between someone being child free or in an open relationship rather than talking about suicide. Being child free is a lifestyle that hurts no one.
Arexandr Wyndsyr..People like you are part of the problem..you are having a child..because as you said..it's human nature. That is not a reason to bring a child into this world. The world would be better off if more people put thought into bringing a human into the world rather than having them because that is how it is supposed to be. I don't want the responsibility of raising a child so I decided against bringing a child into my life who would not be welcome. And more and more adults are choosing not to have children so your 97% is way off.
Susan Burris you probably are right. I was just taking an extreme view of your first sentence. I think what anyone does affects people. We're an inter dependent species. I guess my point was all choices affect other people, even if we don't want them to. That doesn't mean you're hurting anyone by not having kids. Sorry about the negative reactions you get.
Amy Dye..my decision to not have children effects who? My parents? My parents are fine with it and if they werent..having a child to make them happy is wrong. My dog? My dog was rescued from an abusive home and needed to be in a home with someone who had the patients to help him heal. Does my decision effect you directly? No. It doesn't effect or hurt anyone else directly. Like I said there is a difference between that and suicide..some who drinks to much..Does drugs etc.
Live and let live means tolerance to me. I'm happy to talk about issues, I'm keen to put across my point of view and understand others, but ultimately I'm not going to force someone into my way of thinking.
Or maybe "live and let live" simply means "don't go around interrupting and butting into other people's business if they don't ask you to and aren't hurting anyone, because you likely won't change anything 'for the better' and only piss somebody off"
For me, “Live and let live” means “Don’t force your own opinions and beliefs down someone else’s throat”
You wanting to understand something that’s not what you believe, is actually quite refreshing; you’re wanting to understand it, not CHANGE it so that it DOES fit your beliefs. And that’s why I love you! 💕😘
Live and let live is less about "shut up" or "mind your business" and more about "don't judge". There's a fine line between being curious or wanting to understand, and judging behavior and circumstances. I happen to believe that we as a society have a right, sometimes an obligation, to judge behavior. It isn't the same as judging a person and who they are as a whole, but people equate it to that. That's why we hear a lot of that particular phrase, especially at a time when marijuana legalization and other vices are debated.
you clearly need to look on the definition of the word judgment
Talk about it maturely, if you're curious, but don't force anything on anyone. Simple as that
I often think that 'live and let live' is misued. I conceptualize it as a form of acceptance rather than of non-engagement in other people life. I too believe that it is important to have conversations about 'troubling' issues, because words and deeds do matter. However, I always respect other people's opinion, except when it leads to socially dangerous behaviours, and that for me is to 'live and let live'.
Maria Carmina Distratto Well said!
totally agree.
me too!
Me three!
I feel like 'live and let live' is something said when one feels like what's happening isn't a curious intrigue, but a judging inquisition. I'm all for 'live and let live', but only if the person I'm speaking with is for it, too. It's a two-way agreement. If I let you live, but you don't let me, that's not 'live and let live', that 'live and let someone else step all over you and decide your freedoms for you'. (Can you tell I'm a secular Jew living in Israel, feeling threatened by the new laws just passed? No? Oh, okay.)
People who say 'live and let live' are feeling like you aren't letting them live, which is why they are reminding you of it. They say 'live and let live' because they feel judged, or attacked, which you obviously didn't mean, Mayim. It's fine to try to ask, to understand and come to a realization that you still don't agree with it, just make sure that all sides are feeling respected and not attacked.
I agree totally!
For me this comment makes a much more valuable and constructive point about human interaction than the video did. We did 'need' the video to get thinking about the subject so it all works out perfectly.
I would like to add that I think 'live and let live' is often used simply to avoid a subject. And there should be nothing wrong with wanting to avoid a potentially difficult conversation. Not just because you feel judged or attacked but for any number of reasons. People who get frustrated by someone else's unwillingness to discuss something have the unfortunate task of dealing with their own frustration. No one is required to engage in a discussion just because someone else feels that need.
Mayim I love that you make wonderful videos that elaborate on significant topics
I would love to sit down and have a great conversation with Mayim. 👏❤
Same! That would be a dream come true for me❤
It’s my dream
I do say, live and let live quite a bit. Not because I want people to go away, but because I want to stop hateful comments about things that don't affect them on a personal level. Like hateful comments about abortions or gay people getting married. A person getting an abortion or an LGBTQ couple getting married should not be looked down on with hateful comments. Live and let live, right? There's a difference between having questions and wanting to understand and just hurling out hateful comments.
In other news, I shave because I have really thick dark hair on my legs and not shaving causes my legs to be painful when I wear pants.
Stephanie Culp people who are bothered live and are those who value freedom over security. It's not suppressing that women are not very big on live and let live because they value security over freedom. And also women are emotional creatures because feelings are their reality. So women don't usual like mean comments because it makes them feel unsafe even if they are not.
That's rough about your pants hurting if you don't shave your legs. I have the opposite - If I shave my legs the fabric sticks and I get friction and that hurts. So I feel you but in reverse. All One!
Shelley I just wish I knew more about it when I was younger, you know? I wouldn't have started at all if I knew there were other options. My daughter doesn't need to shave at all. She has some hair, but it gets lighter everyday because she never started shaving in the first place. I've also read about other cultures where the mothers dip their babies in oil. It clogs the pores and prevents hair growth. Sounds like a much better plan!
You don't have to justify your reasons for shaving your legs to *anyone* - that is the very opposite of feminism, so far as I understand it.
Ideally people who are uncomfortable with LGBTQ marriage, abortion, etc. (the tough topics) could actually ask questions, talk to people different than themselves, etc. and get some information to gain understanding. They may not change their opinions ( and any opinions are perfectly fine as long as they are thoughts and not hurtful words or actions) but then again, they might. I understand Mayim's point that to simply shrug off something we don't like or don't understand with "live and let live" shuts us off from important conversations which might (just maybe) lead to less hate.
Perfect explanation. We (my partner and I) personally are happy to let people live their life the way they want, however, if people are not willing to have adult conversation without shutting them down, being comical and dismissing the subject or even just answering "you don't/won't understand" you might as well not have any conversation and this is a problem.
People are open to believe and enjoy whatever they like, but certain people cannot get so defensive if someone is honestly questioning how their hobbies make them happy, or something controversial. Having an adult, balanced conversation is the best way to discuss something, my partner and I do it ALL THE TIME! It's brilliant!
Freedom Strider Maybe sometimes people just perceive you as intrusive and don't want specific other people butting into their lives. It's not that they don't want anyone getting into their business, they just don't want you. There's nothing wrong with that.
Possibly, for some people but it is not quite what we were getting at, and even in that case rudely cutting someone off instead of politely saying "I don't want to discuss it" is still upsetting.
Our point was more going for when a friend/family member or someone you know well does it and keeps shrugging something off in a defence manner or they're not showing any interest or enthusiasm in the effort that you're putting in to be interessted in them :)
I saw a huge amount of editing went into this presentation. It turned out very well and I appreciate the effort. This is a debate I've had brushes with in my mind a million times and have come across a lot of the points that you made. To put these points together in this short presentation is brilliant and was timely and much needed. Thank you and bless you.
I love that you are talking about the issue of women feeling they have to shave their legs (or even worse wax them), I completely agree. I would love it if women understood their, our, bodies are beautiful as they are. And I think 'live and let live' is a weird comment cause it can mean so many things. I think you are always respectful when you talk about these things.
I believe we are responsible for our own actions and accountability for our actions. I also believe that we have a responsibility to each other.
Brilliantly said! My father always taught me to "think outside of the box" or like there wasn't a box ... to ask questions no matter the subject ....to learn and educate myself because no one has all the answers. I love your videos and how you state your opinion, ask questions, talk about things that others might not do. Thank you for this video!
Did you know that mayim was actually mentioned in Big Bang theory before she joined the cast. In the physics bowl episode Rajesh says “You know who’s apparently very smart? The girl who plays TVs blossom,apparently she got a PhD in neuroscience or something” Also bear in mind this was mentioned before sheldon having a relationship with a girl
A brilliant example of foreshadowing from the brilliant writers.
Helo There I do remember seeing that episode. Cool!
Raj also mentions the girl from the wonder years, Danica McKellar in that same episode and later she is the girl he meets at a party and makes out with in the episode "psychic vortex" .. Strange!!
Yes I did
I agree with what you’re saying and it’s important to discuss what’s moral and what’s right, but I think it’s also important to keep in mind that it’s important to accept people even if we don’t agree with their choices. Love your videos!
You have a point when people are using "live and let live" to shut down a conversation, but people generally don't. They say that to highlight that although you might disagree with someone, they still have the right to hold and apply their belief to their life as they see fit. I think you're missing part of the point.
People respond differently to topics of conversation. Mayim, for example, has expressed her legit confusion about open relationships. Some people might take it as her actually disagreeing with idea (which is true, because she told us in the video). But others might not take it negatively, and will use it as an opportunity to explain why open relationship works for them. There are people who are more responsive to curiosity, and there are others who don't want to defend themselves, hence "live and let live." We can't expect everyone to positively respond to trivial questions "for the sake of discussion." But, I also get her point.
Eonnie i agree with you. I'm legitimately confused about gender confirmation surgery being the best treatment option for transgender patients, for example, because other forms of dismorphia are treated completely differently. But I also know that I'm not in their shoes, I don't live their lives, and I can't really understand their situation regardless of how hard I try. You can have your own opinion AND live and let live. They're not mutually exclusive but I feel like Mayim thinks so.
I agree completely.... these things need to be open to discussion... respectfully but openly
I think most people say live and let live, when they think someone might be being judgemental or too nosey. I do that. But, I would never say this if someone is harassing others, or endangering themselves and/or others. I think it's about balance. Sincere and lovingly spoken questions are probably okay with most everyone. 💟
WOW!!! Love this!!! You say this so well....I know you understand this....but I live around so many people that just judge all the time....and when I try to engage in conversation....it is then judged as well....the worst thing anyone has ever told me is this:
"You shouldn't feel like that"....and that was in response to a deep emotional thought I exposed....to only be basically laughed at and then pissed on. Thank you for this! There is hope!!
Yes! Now the next time somebody tells me I should think less about the impact our behaviour has on society, I'll just show them this. Love your channel! ♥️
Initializing spontaneous conversation: do you believe that people of color are oppressed in America?
Yes. I have seen it myself in action, word and deed. And for the record, other than finances, I am just about as privileged as it is possible to be in this country.
Amazing! Everything in that sentence managed to be both anecdotal, and a non-sequitur. I was referring to *actual* oppression.
Don't you dare start a fight under my pure comment.
A "fight" implies violence, this is just a discussion, something Mayim would encourage. I disagree with your premise, people of color are not oppressed in this country. Simply tell me why i'm wrong, so I can join you in the fight against the oppression.
Excellent video. I have a close friend who lives in a neighborhood where there is a lot of bullying and juvenile behavior. She has repeatedly had issues with neighbors and tried talking about it to another neighbor, who is a law enforcement officer. He happens to be friends with some of the people who are problems but his response to my friend was, "My wife and I have a live and let live approach to things here and we just want to enjoy our lives." What a ridiculous response. Some of the neighbors there have broken laws.
My problem with not letting people "live and let live" is that the person doing the interrogation almost always comes at them from a position of judgement. 90% of the time, the thing the person doesn't like is something that has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with them, so why should the other person submit themselves to a conversation they may not want to have? Why should they have to entertain that person's interference? For example: someone doesn't like that I'm gay and genderfluid. It's their perception that this is a problem. Why should I treat it as if it was a problem by justifying it to them? Whether that interrogation comes from a good place (genuinely wanting to save my soul, for example) or a position of judgement is irrelevant. Does that give them the right to interfere? I don't think it does.
The only time I feel it's acceptable to question someone in the way you imply would be if someone is actively hurting themselves or another person. Cases such as self-harm etc. But things like polyamorous relationships? They're not hurting themselves or anyone else, and therefore it's no business of mine. Different story if they choose to share. Then I'll have that conversation. I'm certainly not going to approach them about it.
You also aren't obligated to go throughout your life justifying your existence or lifestyle choices to people who 'just want to have a conversation about it'. That's not your job.
I understand what Mayim is saying - let's have an open dialogue about anything and everything. I am totally down for that, as a person who appreciates and values science/scientific method/logic/reason/etc. But if we're going to do that, it needs to come from a place of genuine interest and sensitive curiosity, and not judgement, assumptions, or with an undertone of blame/accusation.
You keep saying interrogation rather than conversation. If no one ever asks a question about what they don't understand then they will never learn. That leads to ignorance which can lead to judgement and misunderstandings. Knowledge is a wonderful thing. I personally fall into a number of non-traditional categories but I am not bothered by someone having a question about any of them. If they get in my face or rant that is different. But a genuine question from someone who may not understand or agree with me is not an attack. And saying things like " It's their perception that this is a problem." but not being willing to do even the least bit of education or helping to change that perception is lazy and just brews hate. Obviously some people are lost causes, but to shut down someone who really wants to understand is a shame.
So wonderfully said. I am a person who speaks my mind, who post meaningful things on Facebook but always get the response of Live and let live or ignored. I live in a place I dont fit in and due to artificial conversations I just end up being a hermit or the comedian. I miss deep conversations that get you thinking and inspired. Thank you for sharing!
I believe we are responsible and accountable for our own actions but....we should also be aware of the people around us,and if they need help or advise we should allow ourselves to do this. If everyone was to say oh live and let live what sort of a more horrendous world would we live in,as the world we are in now isn't exactly good because people don't have the back bone to stand up and give there points of view across. Everyone just follows everyone else like lost little sheep.
Mayim thanks for elaborating on these difficult subjects. You are very informative.
"helps increase empathy,etc." awesome
People should have a voice no matter who does or doesn't agree. It makes a good civil argument with valid points without hostility. I think making the videos you stated that you want to make, you should do it. It'll give people an option on what they think is best for them. People should have choices. Not forced to do what society thinks
Thank you! I have the same issue with people who say we make a problem out of everything nowadays. I couldn’t figure out why I had such a problem with that. It is the same mechanism. It shuts down the conversation.
I agree with much of this. And I can see from your examples how Live & Let Live can shut down important discussions. My first reaction to hearing that Live & Let Live isn’t great was to think of my religious family. I WISH they would live and let live. They’re not happy until they can legislate discrimination against gays or anyone that doesn’t fit into their religion. In the case of zealots who feel it is their place to punish and hide others for being different... well, they should aspire to such a humane sentiment.
Mayim, you’re AWESOME! I love your work and love your kind soul!
Wanting to learn and explore more about a certain matter and topic has nothing to live and let live. Caring about your friend about being intoxicated with alcohol is not about live and let live. Live and let live is not an excuse/reason to not care. Live and let live means if someone decides to live their lives a certain way that doesn't directly impact someone else negatively, you may inquire to gain understanding, but you don't judge or attempt to stop or persuade them that your choices about your live is better.
I have the same thing. I’ll ask questions to understand someone and I’m labeled a hater. I’m not. I just want to know WHY you think that way!!
M Mom But the person you are inquiring about/with should be able to decide who they invite into their lives to know about their thoughts. You aren't entitled to know just because you're curious.
This is true, but I believe the best response is, "Sorry, I'm not comfortable discussing this w/you." Much more specific and helpful than"live and let live", which puts up a wall.
+mizlindsayk When did she say she's *entitled* to know things?
Caring about others is often seen as an a burden and people are too convenient to accept being judged, so if they make an effort to interact with others, with differing viewpoints, others might do the same to them. When someone says "live and let live", those four words uttered already convey a big bundle of information about them.
Making an effort in important matters empowers. (I'm not gonna go into the pitfalls of that here though.)
Could you do a video on the difference between race, ethnicity and culture? About their differences and where they may overlap? Because I feel like many people get them confused. Or even religion is in the mix sometimes because it's such a cultural thing. Such as I ask someone what ethnicity they are and they respond with, I'm Jewish. Not that that's not an acceptable answer but I find myself a little confused because I though that was a religion. Is it both? I'd love for you to give me an video on these topics for me and anyone else who might me confused. Thanks and I love you Mayim both for you and Amy. 😊
You may want to read up on Jewish ethnic divisions...there's a lot
Honestly, I have always been a "live and let live" type person. However, this video brings up a great point. Understanding the world around us is very important. If we don't question people's actions, we'll never move forward as a society. I can understand why people would think that telling people how to live there lives is not okay. But we don't have to force anyone to do anything, we just have to remember to question it when necessary.
Live and let live actually means agreement between persons, groups, nations, etc., leading to non-aggressive co-operative behavior. Live and let live pretty much describes the Libertarian standpoint as well as self-reliance.
You wander into abstract territory at 0:45 when you say that you worry about the impact that polyamory will have on human reactions but (of course) you are unable to describe possible harms or how they might happen. It's clear to see the impact that religion has on your thinking, akin to a holistic idealism which reduces the individual to society and puts strict limits on the personal. In making value judgments it's easy to rob others of their freedom and autonomy. Ask yourself if you are truly prepared to accept their reasons when they give them or are you looking to change their minds.
Brilliant! I teach HS English and it is nearly impossible to get a debate or discussion about ANYTHING going because everyone is afraid of offending people or being labeled as an -ist. It is extremely frustrating!
True, but let's give weight to the context. I'm fine with the discussion of leg shaving, but it doesn't have the same life altering heaviness of alcoholism. Fair enough?
Well, I don't think Mayim wanted to compare the relevance of these issues. She was just mentioning examples of issues she thinks are worth dsicussing. rather than putting them down by just saying "live and let live"...
I fully agree. I feel the same about the phrase "let's agree to disagree". It gives people the ability to not take responsibility for their actions, thoughts, and opinions. And it stops our ability to have open and honest conversations.
'Live and let live' is a sentiment I feel we should all strive to live by. But it should only apply to things/situations that are deemed positive and healthy. If something causes physical, emotional, psychological, and/or spiritual harm to a person, animal, or the planet, it should be taken into question. For example, if someone dislikes black coffee and you love it, live and let live. Someone hating black coffee doesn't hurt anyone; it just makes their preferences different from yours. However, someone saying they hate black *people* is a racist concern, and common sense should dictate that it's an issue that needs to be addressed. Of course, we should always think critically and we should always ask questions. But once we do and a situation is deemed non-harmful, we should let it be and let people live their lives.
I think what the real problem boils down to is when people disagree on whether something is actually harmful or beneficial. As Mayim brings up, the concept of open-relationships is kind of a mixed bag. You can see how someone can find nothing wrong with such a lifestyle, whereas someone else might have concerns over what social and sexual implications such a lifestyle can produce. When it comes to controversial subjects like these, it's good to question and hash it out in civil debates. Otherwise, we'll never come to an understanding. As well, to not question is to stop learning, and learning is something we should never stop doing.
There are a lot of things that people believe can cause emotional psychological and spiritual harm that others don't and we are required not to say anything against them...
srsly you might get horribly triggered by the following statement, but fact is:
people also have the right to be racist.. no matter if you share this kind of mindset or not...
the right to be e.g. racist only ends if this dislike towards others leads to actions that harm them or is a danger for them....
so yeah, a person can sit at home and hate black people as much as he likes too, he can even say that he does not like black people in a discussion (even tho the vast majority of people would give him some mean looks), he can avoid any contact to black people and so forth....what he cant do is go around harass people because they are black, assault them because they are black, randomly insult them on the street because they are black....
so yeah people actually have the right to dislike others for whatever reason - even if it is a stupid reason like race - as long as they are still able to live peaceful side by side without starting a killing spree or endless tirades of insults and harassment and discrimination...
you can not force people to accept others.. it does not work
you can not force how people feel towards other people... it does not work
ofc you can talk to them and try to understand why they feel that way.. and maybe at some point they might even question their own beliefs, but yet you still cant force them too...
At what point do you draw the line? I just listened to a podcast about implicit bias. Even though someone's words may be "nice" their body language can be unkind because deep down they are racist. This study was done with doctors. This means that people of a certain race may not get the care they need when being treated by a professional. Also it is important to trust a provider, and if that provider is giving off a racist vibe, then how can trust form?
Implicit bias also means that people are in fact harmed by racist beliefs. So if that's the case, then we need to work on removing those beliefs from the general public.
Other examples of racism that can be life or death: police officers, any medical provider, any emergency provider.
What if someone who is doing the hiring is implicitly racist? They may think they're not racist, but deep down they are. They will judge people with certain names differently. This has a major economic impact on people of that race.
What about racist teachers?
Racism has much bigger consequences.
right on! :)
no one wants to have a conversation anymore. they just want to either A: do wrong no matter what that is or B: not be challenged to actually think, care, open up....
"dont talk. just let me do this/say this/think this/believe this without being challenged to change or think or see something new.
Its all about how you phrase things. Its one thing to ask the questions and start a conversation its a whole other beast to start off sounding like your judging and condemning whatever the topic is. Just take a second look at your phrasing if your true intent is to start conversations.
This past year I have really come to like the phrase it’s not what you say but how you say it.
@@downeastboy84 Yeah, how you phrase things can change how the message is recieved quite a lot of the time.
@@Kai-uj5go very well put
You have answered one of the most disturbing thoughts i keep having when faced with critical situations.. whether I should care, take responsibility or just live and let live.. thanks mayim
On point. On fire. Couldn’t agree with you more. 👍🏾
Really well explained and I cannot agree more. I don’t want to change people, but if there’s something I need to change, I want someone with a good intention to let me know what I am blind about. This is called self growth. If our bad behavior is cancer cells, we surely don’t want it to be ‘live and let live’. The difficult thing is life is full of complexity, where can we draw the line on responsibility? It boils down to self-knowledge or how much we are willing to understand ourselves.
In this society, people are not supposed to express whether they agree or disagree because it may or may not offend others...
I just try and avoid people, surround myself with cats, books and tea because people are too sensitive..
Same :/ I've had enough of stress, abuse and disappointment. I came to a point where I'm scared of being honest with anyone - even my family - because they get incredibly angry any time I disagree. Actually I think this could be viewed as a kind of mental abuse as well. People say they like you but they actually only seek approval to justify their actions and thoughts. Once you disagree with them, they don't need you anymore because you don't boost their ego.
You, otherworldly articulate lady, have explained exactly what real tolerance is. Suppressing questions and civil debate does nothing to bring us forward as a people, but stifles us, and is turning our misunderstandings and divisions into societal chasms.
I'm totally watching this with unshaved legs, and I'm Greek, so there is your visual.
For me, when I say that phrase, which honestly is very little, I say it to not get hung up in drama, or anger. That’s why I say it. I am okay with opinions but when I personalize them, it becomes harmful. So when I remind myself that others are free to their opinions and I cannot control their words or behavior, it becomes more adaptable in my mind and heart! Live & let live. Concentrate on living my life and you are free to live yours!
I think you confuse accepting with approving. Just because we accept something doesnt mean we approve it, we can accept something and still try to change or improve it. It should rather be considered as a state of mind without resistance to the present moment. We dont judge yet we still can change or influence what is happening right now.
tom tomson ehhh. Yes you can accept without approval...but trying to change something is not acceptance
Although it sounds a bit contradictory at first you still can change something you accept. As I said it should be considered as a state of mind. Lets say someone shares his opinion with you but you don`t agree with him. So now you could either think "I don`t like his opinion, it is wrong mine is better" and try to convince him that your opinion is indeed the "correct" one or you could think "He has another opinion than I do" and then you share your opinion and see how he reacts to it, maybe you change his opinion and maybe you don`t.
The difference is that in the first case you are in a state of resistance and expect him to change his opinion and when he wont you are disappointed, while in the second example you accept his opinion, yet you still share yours but you don`t expect him to change, he might or he might not but you are unattached to the outcome because you are in a mental state of acceptance/allowance.
Ok you kind of hit on my point lol. You said "but you don't expect him to change". That...is acceptance without approval. What I am saying is, when you actively try to change someone you have "accepted" (ie, because you think their living situation is immoral), then it's not really acceptance, it's awareness at best.
I see what you are getting at, but I just feel like it goes a bit deeper than a respectful conversation of disagreement
100%
Never stop learning and stretching your mind. To me live and let live is not a conversation ender but a reminder that although I may not choose or agree with the life choices of another it is not my place to judge them (with of course the exception of those who are harming another being, then I have a duty to intervene).
As for leg shaving, I find leg hair itchy but pit hair just hangs around.
That's a really good point!!
I really appreciated this. It’s important to have the dialogue and to care. While some, I believe are saying “live and let live,” meaning, agree to disagree there are some that utilize that phrase to shut down dialogue. I love hearing others care enough to inquire and seek understanding. Thank you.
My personal favourite is 'whatever floats your boat', by which I mean that I am accepting the fact that we're all different and that difference is normal. I can't get involved in the intricacies of every situation, I don't have the desire, I don't have the time and yet I want to remain a peaceable, responsible human being who respects other human beings in all their wonderful, quirky brokenness. So, whatever floats your boat :-)
Don't be ridiculous, of course not. The eradication of poverty is something I am passionate about, but you have to choose which battles to fight in life. You can't fight them all. I like the words from the serenity prayer: 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference' (there's more to it but I shan't quote that here).
A good example of an instant when "live and let live" doesn't work is about the environment. You can't really live and let live when people are destroying the one place in the universe where we know we can live and it's the only habitable planet we have accessible anyways.
I agree that getting a better understanding helps remove fear, lead to acceptance and better society. The problem here is that it isn't often about accepting people's choices and becomes more a conversation about why they are making the wrong ones based on our views. Asking why someone in an open relationship and questioning it's impact on society already has a negative tone to it and that can be very well why the conversation is being shut down. It is not what you are asking, it is how and if people feel they are going to be judged then they often won't give you the time.
❤️ I love your videos! I discovered you from my favourite show and I'm so glad I did!
Lana Ide is it Blossom...jk...Big Bang?
As the person that causes awkward silences due to talking about "weird or too personal" topics i appreciate you saying this. Its hard to feel engaged with those around me when they bury their heads in the sand.
Anjuli Quillin You have to remember to be invited into someone's life or mind. The invitation is key. I'm a pretty open person unless someone has an intrusive personality. With them, I just shut down. Basically, I'm saying sometimes one's curiosity and open-mindedness is not enough to make another person open up. Just because I promise to not judge doesn't mean I'm entitled to be all up in your business.
You look Great!
I have had “live and let live” said to me by co workers and always noted it was a conversation ender. Conversations are good and not for an argument it’s info gathering and useful not useless. Thanks Mayim
What's a "grockite(??? spelling) what's groc?
"Grok" is a made up word from Robert A. Heinlein's classic science fiction novel "Stranger in a Strange Land." It very roughly means to understand something fully, both emotionally and intellectually. I think Mayim uses "Grokite" to mean those who are attempting join with her to try to understand something fully, emotionally and intellectually.
Thank you, much appreciated!
True depth comes from dealing with the REAL deep seated issues that sometimes, we ourselves are not willing to face.
Me: watches this while depilating legs
Also me: ...I think this is worse than shaving.
Also also me: Sorry Mayim. (I know you're not judging. Why do I do it? I just hate leg hair :D )
Moxie but why do you hate it? That’s the question :D
Not a judgement that becomes a preference, and not something a society has placed upon you not all things are bad they can be bad if a group is telling you that you have to live a certain way or do certain things in order to be a good acceptable person.
+Roxy Moore +Josh Davis I definitely think society has had some influence on the fact that I hate leg hair but I have hairy forearms and I don't care about that at all, so I don't think it's just that.
Plus leg hair actually hurts me if I let it grow too long, the hair follicle hurts (like if you have your hair up in a new style for a long time and then let your hair down, do you know that feeling?) PLUS most of my leg hair is really dark and against my skin it looks wonky.
Moxie I haven't shaved my legs in years, but I have very light hair and can get away with it, plus I don't care if anyone notices it. But I do like my legs shaven, because they're softer.
What is the difference between shaving our legs and wearing makeup? Why do we feel the need to obviously make changes to our bodies to fit societal current norms of beauty?
Yup. It's another aspect of our continuing struggle to balance personal freedom & social responsibility.
Hello, Mayim! You're very talented and beautiful. Don't change ❤
"...Doesn't allow me to wonder, ask questions, & to try & understand" Well said! Yes, we can't "remove ourselves" from the problems of the world. Thank you!
OK. Let me put it this way, and let's use the leg shaving example.
You don't bother shaving your legs or armpits. I've read this in a couple of articles about you. That's fine. That doesn't bother me.
But I often do shave. I like it.
If we get into a discussion about this, and we can't arrive at a point where we have to agree to disagree on this...that is, if you're not willing to "live and let live" when it comes to my body hair...don't be surprised if I feel like you're trying to be a bloody control freak (which REALLY pushes my buttons) and I get *exceptionally* angry and say something like this: "Mayim, dammit, it's *MY* body and I'll shave every hair off my body, including my head, just to PISS YOU OFF!"
This can be anything at all. How about veganism? You're a vegan. But my husband and I both eat meat - hell, I'm anemic and I have to eat it or I'll end up in the hospital and I don't think you're willing to pay my medical expenses - but if you start shaming us for eating it, then what's likely to happen? My husband, for one, will go get a plate of fried chicken or bbq spare ribs or a big juicy hamburger or whatever, and EAT THE F*CK OUT OF IT at you just because it makes you angry, as a way of shoving the point home that *he will never give control of his life over to you.*
Do you see that the perception here is one of "you are trying to control me on this topic" and people WILL resist that VERY HARD? I guarantee you would be highly appreciative if Hubby and I just took a "live and let live" approach to such things as your practice of tznius and veganism. We have no interest in attempting to bully or shame or force you into dressing all hot and sexy, or into eating meat.
This is a two way street, after all.
"Live and let live" is a safety valve that de-escalates some hostile situations. "Live and let live" can be the thing that prevents people from either becoming estranged, or coming to blows, or even shooting each other over something really stupid. Something that isn't worth shooting another human being over. You get the idea.
Give it some thought.
Autumn Windwalker
Actually, your live and let live using veganism as an example is pretty ridiculous. Your choice to eat animal corpses is literally the definition of not letting others live. Also, your anemia excuse is BS. A whole foods plant based diet can provide plenty of iron. Iron is not only found in the flesh of other animals. In fact, many people have cured their chronic anemia by going vegan. Take care, live and (actually) let live ✌
I HATE YOU TOO BRITTANY! Fucking hippie ass losers who think they're doctors
By the way *MAYIM* because you had asked about this on Facebook many months ago, THIS IS WHY VEGANS GET SUCH NASTY VERBAL ABUSE. LOOK AT THIS. Look right at it and stop hiding from it. Stop being in denial of it. THIS IS WHY so many people hate vegans.
And right here is an example of someone who needs to "live and let live." This prick is not my doctor and has no right to try and CONTROL MY LIFE and tell me what to eat or not eat. He/she is not either of my parents; they're both dead. This clown needs to fuck off. And when he gets there, to fuck off from there too. Then fuck off some more. Keep fucking off until you get back here. Then fuck off again.
GOT IT YET?
Autumn Windwalker wow you're really embarassing yourself lmao
Autumn Windwalker vegan and atheists. Both types of people to run like hell from. Its non stop harassment.
I agree with you so much here! I think it is really important to let others live as they see fit, but I also think it is so important for all of us to engage with one another to understand each other better, and to work together toward a better society. We can't do that if people are always trying to silence others because they are uncomfortable talking about the important things.
"Live and let live" is a thought-terminating cliche.
Society is full of them, and it's infuriating.
This is similar to how I feel about the phrase ‘let’s just agree to disagree’. It shuts down the conversation, and stops any possibility of conveying further meaning. I far prefer to ‘continue this another time’ so that we can come back and maybe with more time and experience on a topic we might still come together and learn things, perhaps change perspectives.
Mayim, as usual, I am so with you. I will quite happily discuss and explain anything. I think a lot of people are unwilling to because they are insecure in their decisions and so when questioned, they feel like someone is trying to make them change how they do things.
You are so refreshing! These are the kinds of conversations I use to have with my husband. You inspire me to try and revive that part of our relationships.
Love your videos , I am one of those people who question every thing and love to get deep in conversation about many topics , I feel like very few people agree to talk and say live and let live , it’s not my business or that doesn’t effect me . I wish people would question things but not argue. I try to see things from different perspectives , your video made me feel I’m not alone thank you .
Thank you so much for putting this feeling into words! I’ve struggled for years to talk to my dad about issues that are important to me, because his philosophy is always “no one cares if you’re gay/trans/neurodivergent/etc, why do you have to talk about it all the time? why do you have to wear such an unimportant thing like a badge of honor when it just makes others uncomfortable? can’t you just live and let live?” Now I have a solid way to explain to him why that frustrates me so much. Thank you!
I really like your perspective on the notion of "live and let live". I am one that uses that phrase too often only to avoid confrontation. It's a wussed out way of speaking my truth! The thruth is that I often question things, and outright don't agree with certain behaviors. Thanks Mayim! I just learned something valuable!
Yes yes yes!!!! I have a friend that I have healthy, stress free discussions and debates with. We have an understanding that we cannot get upset with each other if we don't see eye to eye on something. We feel so good and energized after one of our discussions/debates 👍🏻
I think you are one of the first people who have talked this tactfully and have used an argument that would make sense to anyone with an open mind regardless of personal views. Keep doing what you're doing because even though I don't agree with you sometimes, I always enjoy listening to your perspective and watching how you keep dialog alive.
I have dated somebody that hid from me for a year that he was a polygamist and finding out really hurt then a couple of his friends try to get together with me and convince me how it was a good thing which quickly backfired on them and I ended up getting bullied by them even more so I totally agree with you for liking me is definitely not something that is what I would accept nor want to see for anybody that I loved and cared about. I feel kind of nervous and scared about sharing my opinion on it but it feels really refreshing to know that someone like you agrees so thank you and thumbs up
Wow, that's a great point. I never thought about it that way, bit you're right: we should be curious and take the responsibility of discussing and understanding things that may have a real impact on people and society. Respectful discourse is probably the better way to approach controversy.
I love your concluding definition of "live and let live" because thats what I believe its about, its not about shutting up or not beeing able to discuss something, its about accepting other people's life choices, especially if they don't harm anyone in any way, but accepting doesn't mean your not allowed to ask or think about it ..it just means don't judge
I am such a fan of the way you think! I can just imagine having a conversation with you! Thank you for your honesty, genuineness and being willing to talk about some challenging topics!
I understand your point and do agree with it to some extent. However, there is a true problem with opening up everything for discussion like this. Too many people in our society don't want to understand, they want to dictate or control others. That doesn't work either. Unfortunately, there is not an easy solution to this problem. The line between discussion and controlling is narrow, slippery, and really easy to cross even with the best of intentions.
Hi Mayim, I enjoyed your blog and they give me ideas I've never thought of. Thanks for keeping it real.
i totally agree. i care about what myself and others do that impacts us all. my father tells me to stop worrying and let them do them. i personally can't do that i can't help caring about each and every person that crosses my path. what we all do in this life can make bad or good impact on the future generations. that matters big tme.
Loved this. Conversations are so important. It also reminds me of how some people misuse the quote, "am I my brother's keeper?" They think the scripture is backing up the "none of my business" attitude. But, the quote comes from the bad guy in the story--the man who has just murdered his brother. Whether you believe the bible is about God or just an important collection of mythological stories, the point of that story is that when we ask, "am I responsible for knowing if my brother is ok?" The answer is, "YES".
We can only agree with something if we understand them, if there are no conversations over subjects that are not widely clear how could we possibly be part of it or decide to leave it alone? We can not just accept things down to our throat. Think better, Do better, Be Better. “Thinking is difficult, that's why most people judge.” ― C.G. Jung
I really appreciated your comment about shaving legs. I choose not to shave and am quite comfortable with it, but I am constantly made to feel it is a bad decision. One of the few people who sticks up for me is my current boyfriend. He actually stuck up for me about the issue in a college class discussion (before the actual class started) and I have always appreciated it.
one thing is to bring into question and another is to ask questions, the first comes attached to a sense of prepotency in which you feel you have a higher moral or intellectual authority and the second comes from a real place of wondering and wanting to understand.
I think that before you ( as in all of us) ask you should question your motives and what it is that you expect to achieve because, like you said, we are responsible for what we send out into the world and actions as well as in thoughts.
I can relate to everything you said. I am also a curious person. I love to ask questions, discuss but not to the point of making myself right. People think I stress myself out by involving my mind partially. This video you made just explained what I think!
Happy I found your channel. I value and appreciate the courage to claim intellectual veracity beyond the preconditioned constructs we've often been preconditioned to just accept.
I don't live and let live. I also feel dialogue is essential for understanding and growth. I'm not always great about getting that across and am often shut down when I try to ask about the reasons someone thinks differently from me. I personally enjoy being challenged since I have often been shown the loopholes in my thought process. Thanks for putting this out there!
Conversation is very important but sadly many people(especially online)have very strong opinion over the topic and attack people who have other perspective.I think that's partialy why people say "live and let live" and essentially avoid conversation.Or maybe they simply do not care about other people.Either way I do agree with you that conversation is an important thing for human interraccion and possibly understanding other people.
I think it's good to have uncomfortable discussions but the " live and let live" is a good way to provide tolerance and understanding. I've always thought that way regarding many topics I didn't understand at the time or didn't have the opportunity to talk about. Relationships, religion and pro choice arguments have always been the topics I say live and let live with but I'm not shutout from talking about it. I enjoyed the topic of women's shaving there legs I haven't thought about it that way before. You are great!
Wow...I never thought of it that way! With all the opposing opinions and beliefs people have nowadays, my motto has been "live and let live". But the way you talked about it made me question that.
Love this. Live and let others live but engage intelligently. I never stop asking questions because I like to know why even if I don’t understand. It may come across as intrusive but I like to engage and at least try to understand how and why other people do what they do.
I'd personally stay away from people who are too critical only when I think they're zapping my good energy, but in the right mood I can definitely listen. I stand by 'live and let live' because in the end you wish for that kind of respect from others too. We should be able to talk about what bothers us openly, but we're not going to be all 'understanding' or 'accepting' of everyone and everything and that's that. People have to come to their own conclusion/be their own judge and that's 'let and let live'.
I also find so much value in trying to understand ideas or concepts that I don’t agree with or fully understand. I never really thought about how the “live and let live” attitude could really hinder that. This is a great video.
Totally agree with you. Hate it when people say "Live and let live" to shut someone up. especially when in fact, this quote only means: do not judge people based on their choices. nobody ever said anything about not discussing, not asking, not being curious and opinionated.