My mother was very emotionally abusive. She shamed me every chance she got. At 26 I married a man who did the exact as my mom. I'm now 43, in the process of divorce, was recently diagnosed with autism, PTSD, and ADHD. This video was perfect, I'm following your channel because I need help. My trigger is words. I try to read between every single word anyone says, always checking to make sure they're not shaming me. Thank you for this video!
My story is similar. I am waiting for the diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. I also have very critical mother and married a man who was emotionally abusive. He is not in my life anymore. I can say one thing, life gets better. Mine did after I rebuilt my identity and created distance, mostly internal, from the damaging comments I still get from my mom.
I removed my mother from my life, she took everyone with her. I'm happier without them. Soon my ex will move out as well, and I can heal from that and find myself again. I just want to feel free to be me, because I'm pretty awesome under all the damage they did. Thanks for the comment, sometimes this journey can feel very lonely.@@ewamariamajdan6200
I hope you receive the help you desperately need. If you have health insurance I would look for a trauma expert. I had an EMDR session and it worked. I have chronic ptsd. I hate it. Same experience with me. Shame crippled me until I was 45 with therapy.
People make me tired. I find most incredibly draining. My issue is people flock to me and tell me their life history. Complete strangers. It's always been that way. They tell me I make them feel better and quite frankly I don't understand? At present I'm working in my front yard at 4:45 a.m. to avoid one neighbor who comes over and goes on and on. I've always been a listener but since my husband passed I'm learning who I am for the first time in my life. For example, when my neighbor complains she doesn't like the color paint in her new home, i found myself thinking, I watched my husband battle stage IV cancer for 8 years. He died a slow very painful death and you are freaked out about paint color. Of course I don't say that but I'm secretly judging. And this is a first. I always put everyone ahead of myself. Now I'm learning to rewrite my story and live a happy life. I can't change my past but I can move forward and think of myself. Still feels a bit odd and quite frankly selfish but in my heart i know that isn't the case. I'm so grateful for your channel.❤️ Thank you for the time and effort you put into your content. It's very helpful.
I'm glad to hear you are on a path to healing. It takes time and effort but it works, and it's worth it. A lot of people happily take advantage of those of us who were conditioned into fawn and emotional caretaking. They expect us to always abandon ourselves and turn our attention to them. The only way out is to learn to set boundaries, and to get accustomed to these people's disappointment and disapproval. Your anger at your neighbour is a great sign. For people like us, anger is the great liberator. It reminds us to put the blame on the right people and not ourselves, and it helps us bring back the parts of us that had to be abandoned or hidden while we were in the midst of our trauma. Our anger reminds us that we have a right to our time, space and resources and that saying no is enough. At the end of the day, discovering your true self is the greatest gift in the world. I wish you well.
@@lyra2282 thank you so much for your kind words. You are correct, anger does have a place. I've always been afraid to show that emotion. Can't upset the apple cart you know. Perhaps one day I might work in my yard during the day. As you said boundaries. Thank you again for your reply.
Do you want to tell people like that to shut up? I get annoyed when people ramble on about a bunch of stuff that I really don't care to know. It especially annoys me when I am trying to think about something else when they rudely interrupt my thoughts. I try to avoid some people just because they talk too much when they have nothing interesting to say.
I was brought up in a high demand religion where you are taught to do for others before taking care of my needs. So I feel I will come across as selfish. Surprised I’m still here at 58 years old. Constant mind “F’s”. Your channel has helped me so much. I had a narcissist father and siblings, adhd, autism and complex trauma. I spend a lot of time alone. Can’t get hurt when im alone
Thank you so much for addressing this. I've been aware of my hypervigilance for a long time. It is exhausting. I self-isolate to regain some calmness. I know this began from my childhood, but never quite figured out the "proper tools" to "overcome" these feelings. Thank you for your kind words and helpful information. 💗
Not autistic, definitely not adhd, traumatised for sure and hyper sensitive and vigilant....much love to all of you finding yourselves, we rock! Thanks for the video xx
Honestly, I'm not sure I'm always aware of my hypervigilance. I'm just always on. Maybe that's why I want to move away so badly. I'm just damn exhausted. I need a break. I like people and ppling. Yet it's too exhausting. I care so much in one hand and am completely apathetic in the other. It's weird. And small talk, I just can't. Hmm I'll re-watch this a few times and meditate on it. Thank you.
Oh wow! You just described me and my whole life which has led to all of my relationships being ultimately sabotaged and attracting relationships with abusers .
Yeah exactly. Then regret the decision to say anything. I’m exhausted. Emotionally exhausted and cynical anger is bubbling out. The walls have fallen and I’m afraid of what I might decide to blurt out. I’m pissed off.
I grew up in a violent home and from a young age (5) I had to know what mood my Dad was in and what was going on in the kitchen where he would spend a lot of time at the weekends and I'd listen out for something 'kicking - off'! It was a survival mechanism. I lived like that for 7 years, day-in, day-out and I've never been able to relax completely or know safety.
I grew up in nearly a similar environment, except it was mom and not dad. Dad was basically transparent, took a back seat and that's also equally as bad. I always have to be hypervigilant to what mood mom was in, and that could vary by the minute as she was a diagnosed manic. Also, addiction ran rampant in the family as well which didnt help matters at all.
@THEtechknight either way we were both robbed of our childhoods. And living in the constant fear that something might happen is as bad as something happening too. My Dad had it in for my sister who was 11 years older than me and when I could I'd take the wrap for anything she had done, like dropping a teaspoon in the bin by accident (on one occasion). Our Mum was disabled n couldn't walk or defend herself. The police were called on numerous occasions but it was considered a 'domestic' in the 70's and nothing was done.
@@arabellacox Damn, im sorry all that happened. It is all relatable. I know it is all in the past now, but it affects the brain wiring in so many ways even instinctually.
@@happygucci5094also Celebrate Recovery. It’s for anyone recovering from emotional abuse, mental health, addiction, etc. Everyone is welcome, and most of all it is a safe place to share, and also hear others share -in different stories…you’ll realize you aren’t alone, and there is a tribe.
@@J-equineheart THIS flipping part. It’s like having tsunami and after tsunami of grief knock you on your ass - to get up and be pelted by another one. On repeat. U r not alone. Thank you for your comment. Sending love
As usual, another video that is pure gold. My last employer the director's used shame, intimidation, scapegoating and projection. Everything that I had as a child. It wasn't until I went to a counselor that she would have to tell me that their statements were shaming. I knew it did not feel good but I could not identify it.
Fear and never knowing when the next rage would start. My mother could literally start an insane rage out of nothing. Then horrible words screamed, name calling, put downs. She ruled that whole house. Horrible. And blame. Someone else was always blamed while she was the out of control maniac.
omg, I had the identical upbringing. For years I thought I was the only one in the world who had to endure such a mean awful mother. Thank you for your comment. You're not alone.
Mine to. I realize now that my mom probably had undiagnosed ADHD and possibly autism. Emotional disregulation can look mean and crazy probably especially if the person experiencing it doesn't know or understand what it is. Certainly made a huge difference to me as far as how I deal with intense emotions.
I do not believe in coincidences and I truly believe your UA-cam notification I got out of nowhere was meant for me to see today. I believe God let me see this to help me. I am one who suffers from this and I didn’t even know there was a term or name for it. Thank You so much for sharing this. God bless you 💝
As an adopted child….this became my life. The illnesses are real… Can’t find a therapist who even gets it 😶 the first thing they do is blow off the adoption trauma which was huge as I first went into foster care 4 months before adoption… I don’t trust anyone and probably scanning all the time😔 Ty for your time and information Dr. Kim!❤
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Yes, dr.porassss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
So interesting re isolation, I do this too much, so painful. Am sure did as a toddler as well. Never had the physical and emotional parental attachment desperately needed, needing. ❤
I didn't even get to the signs before clearly realizing it applies to me. This tie things together for me. Thank you. Btw you are the most precise and nuanced professional I've found on UA-cam. It's always satisfying to hear you explain things.
Wow. This was very eye opening, I know I'm hyper vigilant and I've always used it and seen it as a gift. I never thought to think back about why I am like this.
I could listen/watch your videos all day every day. You have almost painted a portrait of my behaviors. No one has ever made this much sense, until you, Dr. Sage. Thank you for this channel and all of your wonderful videos. What a treasure trove! I am a female that was diagnosed in my early 40s with ADHD. I have identified in many ways with HSPs as well as Empaths but unsure if that’s just some of the overlap of ADHD. I have always described myself as a ‘barometer for other people’s moods’, but especially my own mother’s. She had text book bipolar and was either very high or very low each lasting weeks to a couple of months at a time. Anger seemed to be the gateway for the switch-up of her moods but a part of me thinks there could have been some BPD mixed in as a possible comorbidity. I adore my mother, but felt that I always fretted so much over her that I didn’t focus on myself. My Dad was an absolute saint and we were so lucky to have him stick it out as during Mom’s illness, she was hard on us but especially hard on him. I also have a narcissistic older sister, I could write a book on the abuse she served me as a child and still attempts to (just via different techniques) even though we are grown women. Not knowing things earlier in life like what your videos teach, is so unfortunate. Thank you so much for putting all of this helpful content out for those of us that struggle without the benefit from support or understanding; often not understanding ourselves as to ‘what’ or ‘why’ we feel and behave as we do. I commend you for what you have accomplished in your own life, so much success growing up with a BPD Mother and trauma. You are brilliant. ❤
I was brought up a Christian, and it just dawned on me (with what you were talking about) that as Christians our focus is *always* on God : Does this please/displease him, am I praying enough, am I striving eneough, am I fighting sin enough, am I selfless enough to keep Father happy? I realized very early that life is not for me, but it's still fun to see what fuels ideas, patterns, feelings etc. I never received a formal diagnosis, and somehow always assumed it was ADD/ADHD, but autism describes me pretty neatly. IF someone malicious had wanted to wire me in such a way and put me in an environment where thriving would be as likely as winning the Powerball, they couldn't have done a better job than God. Hats off to God!
We are all sinners. Jesus came to pay for your sins. Maybe your church didn't explain this to you. Just give your heart to Jesus and let everything else go.
@@alexanderlapp5048 Jesus/God do not truly have my back. Sure they can have my back today, tomorrow, but the next, they may choose to do something else. Or put me through the Job test and destroy my life. Of course I have needs just like any other human being who is smart, well-adjusted, popular, gifted, but that's not happening for me. But I will more than gladly settle for security. And you can't live in security without money, financial freedom. A life without money is actually worse than a life with no love. I hit the jackpot, I have both. Jesus offers nothing but adds demands and requirements, a yoke, on top of a life that crushed me ages ago. A miserable life *without* the thrill, comfort and relief of sin. There is NOTHING in God for me, apart from eternity. God screwed me that way, too, because loving and obeying him is the *only* ticket to Heaven. If God is for me, then Satan is my biggest fan. If you,re going to pray for me, pray for this to be my final year and for me to die reconciled with God. Or pray for my financial freedom. One or the other.
I am glad you made this video. I kept wondering why some coworkers repeatedly keep asking throughout they day...are you ok, are you ok...are you ok...for no reason, when in passing, when I'm smiling, when I am at peace. I would ask why they keep doing it and they can't give good reasons. It's so creepy when people do that a lot.
I don’t believe you’ve spoken about OCD in relations to these topics but I believe my upbringing in an emotionally unsafe and sometimes physically unsafe environment with a possibly BPD /autistic mother and narcissistic father and addict siblings played a huge role in my developing relationship anxiety and ocd. I have a hard time trusting when I am in a safe relationship and do mental compulsions to reassure and question over and over. This type of background makes it very hard to know when you are emotionally safe and can trust your surroundings. Would love to hear you talk about ocd in conjunction with trauma and adhd! Your videos have brought me so much understanding 💜
Both my parents were eggshell parents and still are to an extent. I was told by so many hippies that i was an empath. Recently, though, i heard the pov that being an empath is actually a trauma response, and it truly does make sense.
Oh wow. All through the video I kept saying " Yes, yes I do that. That's me." I ticked all the boxes you mentioned. I knew I was screwed up but this much ...?! Lol. Thank you for explaining this. It makes sense to me.
aww relaxing poolside and loving me a good spa tonight. everything else was a great idea for me to get back in touch with myself living in Scottsdale Arizona
Enjoyed your video, Thanks! I admit to feeling the Need to share this with my sister... Also, thanks for including the three citation article links, as my brain; · Craves ever more information to better interpret and ascribe meaning, without regard to probability of future use · Zero compunction hijacking attention from current/urgent tasks · Aptitude with magical words of power such as [prestidigitatiNO] (counter responsible action) and [WHYb] (hold in place) at every rabbit hole...
Has anyone here watched The Bear episode "Seven Fishes" with Jamie Lee Curtis as the mother? I was completely disregulated after it. During Christmas Dinner, Sugar (the daughter) asks Donna (the mother) are you okay? Total chaos ensues. Trigger warning for anyone who is an emotional regulator. Some say one of the best episodes in television history.
I wasn’t sure if this video was all that relevant to me as I watched the intro and first two points. And then Point 3 came along and every single point after that is relevant to me! Thank you so much for this, and your other videos. They’re really helpful for me and often overlap with, and inform, topics I explore in therapy.
Thank you so much. I really identified with this content and appreciate your insights. I'm in my 50s and just figuring out that I check so many boxes with ASD and ADHD. I already have a diagnosis for PTSD and CPTSD. I isolate all the time. I've learned a lot from your videos, but this one hit home the most. Thank you. You are a gem. 🥰
I was born in 1972 to two 15 year olds who lived next door to each other they had ten siblings each I like being alone in peace and quiet I have to say you really hit the mark on this subject more than most 👌
Dr Kim you have been amazing and truly a blessing. Your videos have given me a much more profound understanding of others and mostly my own traumas. I hope to do therapy with you in the near future ❤
Thank you so much for sharing this. It all fits with me so much and I feel this is so important to me.. Could you please advise me any book that you recommend about this topic if any? Thank you!
I just automatically assume something is my fault or I got it wrong. It's so automatic that it's baked in. I know it originates from my mother telling me i was a 'bad girl' when I got things "wrong." It took until i was 50 to realise what I was doing.
I truly see what happens when a wide variety of standards are upon old teachings. Many people in my age seemed to continue life with the old stuff of our Native teaching,but not all is bad or doubtful that is where your message on this subject makes sense now. O what a difference between my natural ablitiys and possibly change it up at your convenience. It's not too late for me so I am going forward with making sure I don't give the right for family members lives to overlord my true self. Forgive me if i seem to lack a wide range of vocabulary. Your Awesome Dr.Sage and of course My you all continue life. I'm just looking in from the outside.
My mother was violent and we learned to watch her. She was very fair, so when she got mad, her neck, cheeks and forehead got red. I watched because someone was gonna get beat when that happened. I also tend to watch everyone around me to keep them away from me, not get behind me etc.
First thirty seconds, yep. I ask people CONSTANTLY If they're okay. Once a friend actually kind of scolded me for always asking. I do it out of my own insecurity and feelings of uncertainty of how I feel. I can't stop.
I spend to much time living like this. My oldest son lives with me in my mother's house and my other 2 adult children are narcissist. I am in a bad situation until I relocate even though I took care of my mother until she died here and I was also a single father for my 3 adult children for about 9 years after their mother left them the second time when I was in nursing school , seeking a minor in psychology aswell and studying martial arts within a year of becoming a teacher at the most probably. I was writing songs well learning to from friends that had already written # 1 songs etc working on movies etc and I gave up everything to be there for them and they are closer to their mother now or something. My daughter didn't even call me on fathers day or on my birthday. She makes sure her husband takes her mother something. I feel as though meeting her was the destruction of me .I am just tired of it and want to be free from this dysfunctional crud after 40 years. I know I can find happiness again if I am living somewhere instead of just existing like I do here. I've done this emotional monitoring to the point of it being self destructive. I had no idea.
Thank you so much Dr Kim Sage. This is the exact lesson I needed at this point in time. I met a really wonderful man but im having trouble staying regulated whenever he has any emotions that aren't happiness, even when it's not directed at me. I keep pushing him away and now I see it's because of avoidants emotional monitoring. I just keep looking for reasons to vilify him. I feel toxic. Figuring out these triggers seems like it won't be an easy task.
3:42 I think I was about 17, and my mom and uncle were with me, and I knew I could trust them in a sense, but I still got massive anxiety and fear of them, everything for that matter. As I was learning about the world, taking in cues, I formed my brain as a worrier because mom was and nana was. Plus I got raised by a single parent. When we get used to people doing a sudden flip, and coming out like a fire hydrant of energy/negative emotion. We worry about the future, stress about the past, pay no attention to what’s going on now. And seek comfort. Calm, peaceable feelings and isolation. What made the change in me was attitude changing. Then results looked slightly different. Over time, I got better at not caring if it wasn’t fair. I stopped feeling guilty for being angry too. But I have to make sure I’m not ruminating. 14:07 that was major helpful. Apprehension is what we’re talking about. That uneasy fear you’ve somehow missed the boat/memo. Confused, afraid to rise up and make a truth known. It sounds good, but now try it n see.
Always checking, scanning my surroundings... im only good if you're good now learning to focus inwards,.. experience my experience is a hard one, feeling my body etc also very difficult
Constantly, and it is absolutely exhausting and life thieving and relationship thieving. How can someone be 58 and hardly know who they are anymore. It was so much easier to mask, monitor everyone else & everything else, when I was younger.
I listened to your video, first time I listened to it, it was very good and accurate. I'm 66 and I'm tired, just want to be alone and comfortable in my own skin. But that's not going to happen, and I just don't want to try qny more.
No one whose gone through this toxic life will never ever be ok !!! Scars are there forever !!! They tortured us !!! 🥺 No words used will ever fix people , even if it makes sense, words - actions / understanding Won’t/ Doesn’t Fix things now , no cure , sadly too late now !!! 😮💨
I wonder if this is what the world calls codependency. I am intuitive and tend to read people but I spend as much time trying to stay on goal and focus and forget the feelings thoughts or whatever I'm picking up about others or myself reacting to being around others. As someone would say you do you. Very good video however thank you
Can you be between HSP and autism ?? Because I am 100% HSP but don't know if I am autistic or not .. I read so many things about autism but really so confused therefore cannot really decide ... and no therapist/psychiatrist in this part of our country😢
You have been very helpful, I am hsp/ASD dyslexia gestalt. I also have 16 yrs of hardcore sobriety from alcohol and illegal drugs. I know before I struggled with many of these things but I'm also trans gender intersex trans female. I've faced abuse mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually. Ive beaten by my Parentals an neglected, I've had 3 hates crimes committed on my, I have SI with 8 real attempts no premeditation, I've been in 46 psychiatric hospitals including 3 state hospitals, cops have beat me for my autism in FL jail. I've transitioned in full public view for 8 yrs as transgender Activist and have faced many mean ppl haters constantly everyday online an in real life. I'm still here but I am completely messed up. I know who I am, I masked my feelings to avoid pain I still have to. I was born with deformed legs an wore leg braces until I was I had asthma and was also hit in the head at 11 with a brick by my sister, I had a cat 3 concussion. Im poor and trans there's nowhere safe nowhere and then I just got robbed/hacked. I can't function if I can't stay safe which apparently every attempt to figure out life has failed. The fact that this Gen x survivor is still alive speaks for my strength not a weakness but I'm tired
You are strong! I'm sorry life dealt you such a tough hand. I believe we are all here to help make the world a better place and to help grow conscious awareness and kindness by modeling it for others. Thanks for telling your story.
Dr. Sage I've been wondering if it's possible to be autistic and at the same time be very attuned to emotional changes in other people. I am officially diagnosed yet really often I hear from people that I understand emotions too well and therefore I present to function ok socially. My hypothesis is that I'm good at it because of the emotional parentyfication - I had to learn to identify feelings of my mother precisely to survive. Could this and autistic pattern recognition and intrest in people's behavior result in developing this skills above average even if I'm autistic? I would really appreciate your answer, and please excuse any language mistakes, I'm not a native speaker 🙏🙂
My mother was very emotionally abusive. She shamed me every chance she got. At 26 I married a man who did the exact as my mom. I'm now 43, in the process of divorce, was recently diagnosed with autism, PTSD, and ADHD. This video was perfect, I'm following your channel because I need help. My trigger is words. I try to read between every single word anyone says, always checking to make sure they're not shaming me. Thank you for this video!
My story is similar. I am waiting for the diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. I also have very critical mother and married a man who was emotionally abusive.
He is not in my life anymore.
I can say one thing, life gets better. Mine did after I rebuilt my identity and created distance, mostly internal, from the damaging comments I still get from my mom.
I removed my mother from my life, she took everyone with her. I'm happier without them. Soon my ex will move out as well, and I can heal from that and find myself again. I just want to feel free to be me, because I'm pretty awesome under all the damage they did. Thanks for the comment, sometimes this journey can feel very lonely.@@ewamariamajdan6200
I hope you receive the help you desperately need. If you have health insurance I would look for a trauma expert. I had an EMDR session and it worked. I have chronic ptsd. I hate it. Same experience with me. Shame crippled me until I was 45 with therapy.
I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone, so therefore, it is not you.
My mother was like that too.
I clicked on this with a bit of skepticism only to hear my life experiences laid out. This will need several viewings to process.
People make me tired. I find most incredibly draining.
My issue is people flock to me and tell me their life history. Complete strangers. It's always been that way. They tell me I make them feel better and quite frankly I don't understand?
At present I'm working in my front yard at 4:45 a.m. to avoid one neighbor who comes over and goes on and on. I've always been a listener but since my husband passed I'm learning who I am for the first time in my life.
For example, when my neighbor complains she doesn't like the color paint in her new home, i found myself thinking, I watched my husband battle stage IV cancer for 8 years. He died a slow very painful death and you are freaked out about paint color. Of course I don't say that but I'm secretly judging. And this is a first. I always put everyone ahead of myself. Now I'm learning to rewrite my story and live a happy life. I can't change my past but I can move forward and think of myself. Still feels a bit odd and quite frankly selfish but in my heart i know that isn't the case.
I'm so grateful for your channel.❤️
Thank you for the time and effort you put into your content. It's very helpful.
I'm glad to hear you are on a path to healing. It takes time and effort but it works, and it's worth it. A lot of people happily take advantage of those of us who were conditioned into fawn and emotional caretaking. They expect us to always abandon ourselves and turn our attention to them. The only way out is to learn to set boundaries, and to get accustomed to these people's disappointment and disapproval. Your anger at your neighbour is a great sign. For people like us, anger is the great liberator. It reminds us to put the blame on the right people and not ourselves, and it helps us bring back the parts of us that had to be abandoned or hidden while we were in the midst of our trauma. Our anger reminds us that we have a right to our time, space and resources and that saying no is enough. At the end of the day, discovering your true self is the greatest gift in the world. I wish you well.
@@lyra2282 thank you so much for your kind words. You are correct, anger does have a place. I've always been afraid to show that emotion. Can't upset the apple cart you know. Perhaps one day I might work in my yard during the day. As you said boundaries.
Thank you again for your reply.
Do you want to tell people like that to shut up? I get annoyed when people ramble on about a bunch of stuff that I really don't care to know. It especially annoys me when I am trying to think about something else when they rudely interrupt my thoughts.
I try to avoid some people just because they talk too much when they have nothing interesting to say.
🫂🤟🏾
Bless you sister. May you remember yourself, and live your life for you. Thank you.
I was brought up in a high demand religion where you are taught to do for others before taking care of my needs. So I feel I will come across as selfish. Surprised I’m still here at 58 years old. Constant mind “F’s”. Your channel has helped me so much. I had a narcissist father and siblings, adhd, autism and complex trauma. I spend a lot of time alone. Can’t get hurt when im alone
Ditto💯✌️💪
Thank you so much for addressing this. I've been aware of my hypervigilance for a long time. It is exhausting. I self-isolate to regain some calmness. I know this began from my childhood, but never quite figured out the "proper tools" to "overcome" these feelings. Thank you for your kind words and helpful information. 💗
Holy moly - I do this but absolutely didn't realise it!
"I'm only good if you're good"
Wow!
Right?! Me too!
Not autistic, definitely not adhd, traumatised for sure and hyper sensitive and vigilant....much love to all of you finding yourselves, we rock!
Thanks for the video xx
Same
Honestly, I'm not sure I'm always aware of my hypervigilance. I'm just always on. Maybe that's why I want to move away so badly. I'm just damn exhausted. I need a break. I like people and ppling. Yet it's too exhausting. I care so much in one hand and am completely apathetic in the other. It's weird. And small talk, I just can't. Hmm I'll re-watch this a few times and meditate on it.
Thank you.
Oh wow! You just described me and my whole life which has led to all of my relationships being ultimately sabotaged and attracting relationships with abusers .
🙏🏻💔❤️
Same. Big hugs❤
Yeah exactly. Then regret the decision to say anything. I’m exhausted. Emotionally exhausted and cynical anger is bubbling out. The walls have fallen and I’m afraid of what I might decide to blurt out.
I’m pissed off.
I grew up in a violent home and from a young age (5) I had to know what mood my Dad was in and what was going on in the kitchen where he would spend a lot of time at the weekends and I'd listen out for something 'kicking - off'! It was a survival mechanism.
I lived like that for 7 years, day-in, day-out and I've never been able to relax completely or know safety.
I grew up in nearly a similar environment, except it was mom and not dad. Dad was basically transparent, took a back seat and that's also equally as bad. I always have to be hypervigilant to what mood mom was in, and that could vary by the minute as she was a diagnosed manic. Also, addiction ran rampant in the family as well which didnt help matters at all.
@THEtechknight either way we were both robbed of our childhoods. And living in the constant fear that something might happen is as bad as something happening too. My Dad had it in for my sister who was 11 years older than me and when I could I'd take the wrap for anything she had done, like dropping a teaspoon in the bin by accident (on one occasion). Our Mum was disabled n couldn't walk or defend herself. The police were called on numerous occasions but it was considered a 'domestic' in the 70's and nothing was done.
@@arabellacox Damn, im sorry all that happened. It is all relatable. I know it is all in the past now, but it affects the brain wiring in so many ways even instinctually.
I’m 44 - and it feels like I am never going to break free from this and live
Al-Anon may be helpful.
@@ST-ff1zd thank you. I will bring this up with my therapist. 💗
@@happygucci5094also Celebrate Recovery. It’s for anyone recovering from emotional abuse, mental health, addiction, etc. Everyone is welcome, and most of all it is a safe place to share, and also hear others share -in different stories…you’ll realize you aren’t alone, and there is a tribe.
45 here and struggling as well - I am learning where it all came from but overwhelmed with how to heal
@@J-equineheart THIS flipping part. It’s like having tsunami and after tsunami of grief knock you on your ass - to get up and be pelted by another one. On repeat.
U r not alone. Thank you for your comment. Sending love
As usual, another video that is pure gold. My last employer the director's used shame, intimidation, scapegoating and projection. Everything that I had as a child. It wasn't until I went to a counselor that she would have to tell me that their statements were shaming. I knew it did not feel good but I could not identify it.
Sitting here sobbing in relief and grief as I have done this all my life. Appreciate your content as always.💌
Wow. Thank you. The constant burnout. The never feeling safe or being known. Really helpful.
Fear and never knowing when the next rage would start. My mother could literally start an insane rage out of nothing. Then horrible words screamed, name calling, put downs. She ruled that whole house. Horrible. And blame. Someone else was always blamed while she was the out of control maniac.
I’m so sorry you had to grow up like that - 💔🙏🏻sending🩷
omg, I had the identical upbringing. For years I thought I was the only one in the world who had to endure such a mean awful mother. Thank you for your comment. You're not alone.
Mine to. I realize now that my mom probably had undiagnosed ADHD and possibly autism. Emotional disregulation can look mean and crazy probably especially if the person experiencing it doesn't know or understand what it is. Certainly made a huge difference to me as far as how I deal with intense emotions.
Same
My exact childhood
thanks for connecting the psychology vocabulary to the autistic experience.
It was probably the First Skill I acquired.
I do not believe in coincidences and I truly believe your UA-cam notification I got out of nowhere was meant for me to see today. I believe God let me see this to help me. I am one who suffers from this and I didn’t even know there was a term or name for it. Thank
You so much for sharing this. God bless you 💝
❤❤🙏🏻🙏🏻
I'm glad you found this side of UA-cam! Welcome!!
As an adopted child….this became my life. The illnesses are real…
Can’t find a therapist who even gets it 😶 the first thing they do is blow off the adoption trauma which was huge as I first went into foster care 4 months before adoption…
I don’t trust anyone and probably scanning all the time😔
Ty for your time and information Dr. Kim!❤
@@johnd8755 Ty😊
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Yes, dr.porassss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
Yes he is dr.porassss.
Microdosing helped me get out of the pit of my worst depressive episode, a three year long episode, enough to start working on my mental health.
Does he make delivery across the state??
Absolutely, his offerings extend to global delivery, prioritizing complete confidentiality for individuals valuing their privacy.
So interesting re isolation, I do this too much, so painful. Am sure did as a toddler as well. Never had the physical and emotional parental attachment desperately needed, needing. ❤
I have BPD and can identify with all of this thank you for sharing this
THIS IS ME! Ive never seen anything that answers so many questions...now to try for actual testing.
Thank you so much for these videos they really help in understanding myself more and more ❤
I didn't even get to the signs before clearly realizing it applies to me. This tie things together for me. Thank you.
Btw you are the most precise and nuanced professional I've found on UA-cam. It's always satisfying to hear you explain things.
Your videos make me understand myself very well. Thank you Dr Kim
Off topic, but... lovely background!
Wow. This was very eye opening, I know I'm hyper vigilant and I've always used it and seen it as a gift. I never thought to think back about why I am like this.
I could listen/watch your videos all day every day. You have almost painted a portrait of my behaviors. No one has ever made this much sense, until you, Dr. Sage. Thank you for this channel and all of your wonderful videos. What a treasure trove! I am a female that was diagnosed in my early 40s with ADHD. I have identified in many ways with HSPs as well as Empaths but unsure if that’s just some of the overlap of ADHD. I have always described myself as a ‘barometer for other people’s moods’, but especially my own mother’s. She had text book bipolar and was either very high or very low each lasting weeks to a couple of months at a time. Anger seemed to be the gateway for the switch-up of her moods but a part of me thinks there could have been some BPD mixed in as a possible comorbidity. I adore my mother, but felt that I always fretted so much over her that I didn’t focus on myself. My Dad was an absolute saint and we were so lucky to have him stick it out as during Mom’s illness, she was hard on us but especially hard on him.
I also have a narcissistic older sister, I could write a book on the abuse she served me as a child and still attempts to (just via different techniques) even though we are grown women. Not knowing things earlier in life like what your videos teach, is so unfortunate. Thank you so much for putting all of this helpful content out for those of us that struggle without the benefit from support or understanding; often not understanding ourselves as to ‘what’ or ‘why’ we feel and behave as we do. I commend you for what you have accomplished in your own life, so much success growing up with a BPD Mother and trauma. You are brilliant. ❤
I was brought up a Christian, and it just dawned on me (with what you were talking about) that as Christians our focus is *always* on God : Does this please/displease him, am I praying enough, am I striving eneough, am I fighting sin enough, am I selfless enough to keep Father happy?
I realized very early that life is not for me, but it's still fun to see what fuels ideas, patterns, feelings etc. I never received a formal diagnosis, and somehow always assumed it was ADD/ADHD, but autism describes me pretty neatly. IF someone malicious had wanted to wire me in such a way and put me in an environment where thriving would be as likely as winning the Powerball, they couldn't have done a better job than God. Hats off to God!
We are all sinners. Jesus came to pay for your sins. Maybe your church didn't explain this to you. Just give your heart to Jesus and let everything else go.
@@alexanderlapp5048 Jesus/God do not truly have my back. Sure they can have my back today, tomorrow, but the next, they may choose to do something else. Or put me through the Job test and destroy my life. Of course I have needs just like any other human being who is smart, well-adjusted, popular, gifted, but that's not happening for me.
But I will more than gladly settle for security. And you can't live in security without money, financial freedom. A life without money is actually worse than a life with no love. I hit the jackpot, I have both.
Jesus offers nothing but adds demands and requirements, a yoke, on top of a life that crushed me ages ago. A miserable life *without* the thrill, comfort and relief of sin. There is NOTHING in God for me, apart from eternity. God screwed me that way, too, because loving and obeying him is the *only* ticket to Heaven. If God is for me, then Satan is my biggest fan. If you,re going to pray for me, pray for this to be my final year and for me to die reconciled with God. Or pray for my financial freedom. One or the other.
I understand everything you said ("life is not for me", Christian religious trauma) and am sorry you've suffered too.
This is really great informative stuff! Thank you
This is 1000% me. Now I need to ask those tough questions & start advocating for myself.
Thank you for sharing such powerful information ✨💙✨
Yes. So true and explains so much!
I am glad you made this video. I kept wondering why some coworkers repeatedly keep asking throughout they day...are you ok, are you ok...are you ok...for no reason, when in passing, when I'm smiling, when I am at peace. I would ask why they keep doing it and they can't give good reasons. It's so creepy when people do that a lot.
I exhibited all 11 signs of emotional 🥲 monitoring and bilateral stimulation and EMDR has helped me
I don’t believe you’ve spoken about OCD in relations to these topics but I believe my upbringing in an emotionally unsafe and sometimes physically unsafe environment with a possibly BPD /autistic mother and narcissistic father and addict siblings played a huge role in my developing relationship anxiety and ocd. I have a hard time trusting when I am in a safe relationship and do mental compulsions to reassure and question over and over. This type of background makes it very hard to know when you are emotionally safe and can trust your surroundings. Would love to hear you talk about ocd in conjunction with trauma and adhd! Your videos have brought me so much understanding 💜
Both my parents were eggshell parents and still are to an extent. I was told by so many hippies that i was an empath. Recently, though, i heard the pov that being an empath is actually a trauma response, and it truly does make sense.
Oh wow. All through the video I kept saying " Yes, yes I do that. That's me." I ticked all the boxes you mentioned. I knew I was screwed up but this much ...?! Lol. Thank you for explaining this. It makes sense to me.
I love this video. More imp you mentioned disorganized attachment style. Thank you.
That's me to a T. What does that expression even mean? Thank you, I'm not alone in this.
aww relaxing poolside and loving me a good spa tonight.
everything else was a great idea for me to get back in touch with myself living in Scottsdale Arizona
This video was very very helpful.
Enjoyed your video, Thanks! I admit to feeling the Need to share this with my sister...
Also, thanks for including the three citation article links, as my brain;
· Craves ever more information to better interpret and ascribe meaning, without regard to probability of future use
· Zero compunction hijacking attention from current/urgent tasks
· Aptitude with magical words of power such as [prestidigitatiNO] (counter responsible action) and [WHYb] (hold in place) at every rabbit hole...
This video is absolutely spot on, I didn't realise I was doing it! ❤ Ty so much xx
Has anyone here watched The Bear episode "Seven Fishes" with Jamie Lee Curtis as the mother?
I was completely disregulated after it. During Christmas Dinner, Sugar (the daughter) asks Donna (the mother) are you okay? Total chaos ensues. Trigger warning for anyone who is an emotional regulator. Some say one of the best episodes in television history.
It was excellent and so real, enough that it can send your heart racing
Yes! That episode filled me with anxiety. It was an amazing episode though.
Thank you this helped me
This was such a great summary of so much of what you’ve covered in the past year. Must remember to re listen!
Thank you… so much of my life has been lived this way… so the journey to clarity continues.. gratefully yours.. 🙏💗🥰😎👍
I wasn’t sure if this video was all that relevant to me as I watched the intro and first two points. And then Point 3 came along and every single point after that is relevant to me! Thank you so much for this, and your other videos. They’re really helpful for me and often overlap with, and inform, topics I explore in therapy.
So incredibly helpful Dr Kim ❤️🩹
Beautiful video & healing with all the people
I walk on egg shells with everyone
Same
Thank you. I found this video enlightening and helpful. ❤
Thank you so much. I really identified with this content and appreciate your insights. I'm in my 50s and just figuring out that I check so many boxes with ASD and ADHD. I already have a diagnosis for PTSD and CPTSD. I isolate all the time. I've learned a lot from your videos, but this one hit home the most. Thank you. You are a gem. 🥰
I have never felt so seen in my life. 🥹🥹
You nailed it for me! Thank you for this video.
❤❤❤
I was born in 1972 to two 15 year olds who lived next door to each other they had ten siblings each I like being alone in peace and quiet I have to say you really hit the mark on this subject more than most 👌
This is me to a tee ❤️ I'm still waiting for an ADHD and/or ASD diagnosis.
So beautifully and helpfully explained-thank you, Kim🙏
Dr Kim you have been amazing and truly a blessing. Your videos have given me a much more profound understanding of others and mostly my own traumas. I hope to do therapy with you in the near future ❤
Great video. Thank you
Just discovered you today. This might sound odd... but I love that you use Gymnopédies as your music!
Oh ya im always concerned making sure others are ok and not angry or mad...absolutely a trauma response
This describes me 100% wow....
What makes me like this?? 😔
Thank you so much for sharing this. It all fits with me so much and I feel this is so important to me.. Could you please advise me any book that you recommend about this topic if any? Thank you!
SPOT ON.
Thank you so much for this, what an incredible message ❤
Monarch butterfly now thanks
I just automatically assume something is my fault or I got it wrong. It's so automatic that it's baked in. I know it originates from my mother telling me i was a 'bad girl' when I got things "wrong." It took until i was 50 to realise what I was doing.
I truly see what happens when a wide variety of standards are upon old teachings. Many people in my age seemed to continue life with the old stuff of our Native teaching,but not all is bad or doubtful that is where your message on this subject makes sense now. O what a difference between my natural ablitiys and possibly change it up at your convenience. It's not too late for me so I am going forward with making sure I don't give the right for family members lives to overlord my true self. Forgive me if i seem to lack a wide range of vocabulary. Your Awesome Dr.Sage and of course My you all continue life. I'm just looking in from the outside.
Thanks for sharing this awesome video your always right on point 😊❤😊
Thanks. Yes. Wish you had a thanks option.❣️🕊🌹
My mother was violent and we learned to watch her. She was very fair, so when she got mad, her neck, cheeks and forehead got red. I watched because someone was gonna get beat when that happened. I also tend to watch everyone around me to keep them away from me, not get behind me etc.
Thank you for sharing ✌🏽💖🤟🏽✨️🧚♂️
I feel very called out from this video
✨🕯️🪷💫🫶🏼✨ thank you. this is helpful 🔆✨
First thirty seconds, yep. I ask people CONSTANTLY If they're okay. Once a friend actually kind of scolded me for always asking. I do it out of my own insecurity and feelings of uncertainty of how I feel. I can't stop.
I spend to much time living like this. My oldest son lives with me in my mother's house and my other 2 adult children are narcissist. I am in a bad situation until I relocate even though I took care of my mother until she died here and I was also a single father for my 3 adult children for about 9 years after their mother left them the second time when I was in nursing school , seeking a minor in psychology aswell and studying martial arts within a year of becoming a teacher at the most probably. I was writing songs well learning to from friends that had already written # 1 songs etc working on movies etc and I gave up everything to be there for them and they are closer to their mother now or something. My daughter didn't even call me on fathers day or on my birthday. She makes sure her husband takes her mother something. I feel as though meeting her was the destruction of me .I am just tired of it and want to be free from this dysfunctional crud after 40 years. I know I can find happiness again if I am living somewhere instead of just existing like I do here. I've done this emotional monitoring to the point of it being self destructive. I had no idea.
Thank you so much Dr Kim Sage. This is the exact lesson I needed at this point in time. I met a really wonderful man but im having trouble staying regulated whenever he has any emotions that aren't happiness, even when it's not directed at me. I keep pushing him away and now I see it's because of avoidants emotional monitoring. I just keep looking for reasons to vilify him. I feel toxic. Figuring out these triggers seems like it won't be an easy task.
3:42 I think I was about 17, and my mom and uncle were with me, and I knew I could trust them in a sense, but I still got massive anxiety and fear of them, everything for that matter. As I was learning about the world, taking in cues, I formed my brain as a worrier because mom was and nana was. Plus I got raised by a single parent. When we get used to people doing a sudden flip, and coming out like a fire hydrant of energy/negative emotion. We worry about the future, stress about the past, pay no attention to what’s going on now. And seek comfort. Calm, peaceable feelings and isolation. What made the change in me was attitude changing. Then results looked slightly different. Over time, I got better at not caring if it wasn’t fair. I stopped feeling guilty for being angry too. But I have to make sure I’m not ruminating. 14:07 that was major helpful. Apprehension is what we’re talking about. That uneasy fear you’ve somehow missed the boat/memo. Confused, afraid to rise up and make a truth known. It sounds good, but now try it n see.
Always checking, scanning my surroundings... im only good if you're good now learning to focus inwards,.. experience my experience is a hard one, feeling my body etc also very difficult
Thank you, well-said!
Constantly, and it is absolutely exhausting and life thieving and relationship thieving. How can someone be 58 and hardly know who they are anymore. It was so much easier to mask, monitor everyone else & everything else, when I was younger.
Please pray for me. 🙏 🤲
I listened to your video, first time I listened to it, it was very good and accurate. I'm 66 and I'm tired, just want to be alone and comfortable in my own skin. But that's not going to happen, and I just don't want to try qny more.
😳...I think this was the most helpful video I have ever seen... 🤔🤔yes, pretty sure for real. I don't know what to say...except thank you of course. ❤
Thank you!
No one whose gone through this toxic life will never ever be ok !!!
Scars are there forever !!!
They tortured us !!! 🥺
No words used will ever fix people , even if it makes sense, words - actions / understanding Won’t/ Doesn’t Fix things now , no cure , sadly too late now !!!
😮💨
Man..this is me. My entire life.
Thank you very much. 🙏🏼🙏🏼❤️
I wonder if this is what the world calls codependency. I am intuitive and tend to read people but I spend as much time trying to stay on goal and focus and forget the feelings thoughts or whatever I'm picking up about others or myself reacting to being around others. As someone would say you do you. Very good video however thank you
Can you be between HSP and autism ?? Because I am 100% HSP but don't know if I am autistic or not .. I read so many things about autism but really so confused therefore cannot really decide ... and no therapist/psychiatrist in this part of our country😢
I’ve taught kids w autism for 20 years and I definitely don’t know if HSP is part of the spectrum.
My last video is about this topic ❤
@@DrKimSageDo you mean June 30, 2024, “5 signs you might have ADHD and autism”? In my experience, someone can be HSP but most definitely not ADHD.
@@JMA864No.she has an actual video about HSP and Autism...the similarities and differences.
You have been very helpful, I am hsp/ASD dyslexia gestalt. I also have 16 yrs of hardcore sobriety from alcohol and illegal drugs. I know before I struggled with many of these things but I'm also trans gender intersex trans female. I've faced abuse mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually. Ive beaten by my Parentals an neglected, I've had 3 hates crimes committed on my, I have SI with 8 real attempts no premeditation, I've been in 46 psychiatric hospitals including 3 state hospitals, cops have beat me for my autism in FL jail. I've transitioned in full public view for 8 yrs as transgender Activist and have faced many mean ppl haters constantly everyday online an in real life. I'm still here but I am completely messed up. I know who I am, I masked my feelings to avoid pain I still have to. I was born with deformed legs an wore leg braces until I was I had asthma and was also hit in the head at 11 with a brick by my sister, I had a cat 3 concussion. Im poor and trans there's nowhere safe nowhere and then I just got robbed/hacked. I can't function if I can't stay safe which apparently every attempt to figure out life has failed. The fact that this Gen x survivor is still alive speaks for my strength not a weakness but I'm tired
You are strong! I'm sorry life dealt you such a tough hand. I believe we are all here to help make the world a better place and to help grow conscious awareness and kindness by modeling it for others. Thanks for telling your story.
12:20 you're describing me, 100%
Dr. Sage I've been wondering if it's possible to be autistic and at the same time be very attuned to emotional changes in other people. I am officially diagnosed yet really often I hear from people that I understand emotions too well and therefore I present to function ok socially. My hypothesis is that I'm good at it because of the emotional parentyfication - I had to learn to identify feelings of my mother precisely to survive. Could this and autistic pattern recognition and intrest in people's behavior result in developing this skills above average even if I'm autistic? I would really appreciate your answer, and please excuse any language mistakes, I'm not a native speaker 🙏🙂
You might want to use a lighter color for the text titling. The black letters over your black top makes it hard to read. THX!
Thank you are you ok
I’m not ok
💔🙏🏻
I'm sorry ❤
Neither am I.
Same here. I am pretty really struggling right now.
@@erinnswan7063 ❤️
You are describing me and my lifelong struggle,I feel sick
You get it