How to Human as an INTJ
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- Опубліковано 14 лип 2020
- #intj #intp #16personalities
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Our Patreon - / lovewho
Nathan Medium Blog - / nathanglasswords
Nathan Music Channel - / @nathanjglass
Luann Snapchat - @luknepp
Luann Instagram - @luannknepp
BOOKS:
The Art of Seduction - (changed my approach to interacting with almost everyone in my life and really trains/draws attention to the constant need for empathy/thinking about what the other person in an interaction wants and needs)
Ego is the Enemy - (useful for getting out of your own way and compromising in order to win)
The Obstacle is the Way - (good for motivation)
The 48 Laws of Power - (Very machiavellian but also presses the need have social smoothness and finesse whenever possible with many examples of how to do so. Portrays life as a game of politics which is regrettably more accurate than most of us would want it to be.)
The 33 Strategies of War - (for people who enjoy history particularly of wars)
The Laws of Human Nature - (all purpose book for decoding people)
Mastery - (excellent for aspiring masters in any given field)
"Good Strategy/Bad Strategy" is a book I'm currently reading which I'd recommend for any business minded person!
Email: contactlovewho@gmail.com
Our Discord - discord.gg/xThWx8Q
My tentative theory is that based on the comment sections of our videos, lot's of the people here would benefit from the ability to chat to each other in real-time. I've met people who have had/still have a huge impact on me and who I have developed close and collaborative relationships with online first, that I've also gone on to meet in person. We live in interesting times where that is no longer a strange thing. Hopefully this discord will be somewhere where all of you can do the same - interesting chats, find new and useful connections etc.
Also my assumption is that this community will grow organically and become self sustaining if it's going to exist at all. So think of me as an intermittently present creator who often totally forgets about a planet he's made then quickly rushes to make sure they haven't turned on each other.
Finally, an ENTP is running the server... god help us.
~ Nathan
Which is your MBTI type?
I was banned from the discord server twice with no warning or mention of what I did wrong, and I’m fairly sure at least one other has also been wrongfully banned. Russell (a mod) has been very helpful but he doesn’t seem to know much of what happened. Could I possibly be unbanned? I have no idea why I was banned, but if I was told why I wouldn’t do it again.
@@grapefruit5910 I was wondering where you went!
@Soaphy aww that’s sweet 😊
I think my situation is the same as Grapefruit's. I got banned for debating on the debate channel and I don't think I said anything too wrong. :(
An INTJ can get fired for saying something a standup comedian can get millions for lmao.
Indeed! However... they can also make great standup comedians too lol ~ Nathan
Unless they’re actually a standup comedian.
Know your audience, my friend.
I'm retired now, but I made many statements at work that could have gotten me in some hot water.
Part of me thinks "maybe I shouldn't have said some of those things" but the part in charge replies "I don't know how to not say those things". I never go along with popular opinion that I disagree with, just to get along and avoid rocking the boat.
Everything is faked until it becomes a habit. Behaviour is learned, so being charming and being sociable can initially be faked until it becomes habitual and part of your trait.
Absolutely love this comment and despite the fact that I’ve rarely expressed this opinion, I 100% agree ~ Nathan
I succesfully done this with sarcasm. Now I am polite and love to say every "inefficient" sentence like "thank you kind Sir", and "I am really appreciate it".
Fake it till you make it, eh? There is truth in that. Faking is a tricky talent. It can bite you in the ass if you don't have a deft hand at it, and end up with disingenuous egg on your face. But, I hear tell that practice makes perfect as long as you don't leave the paddling pool before you can swim...
@@sfadljjasdfaasdfasdf man, I hate those "good morning" useless messages and how many people get angry when I forget it
It can be faked, yes, but trust me, I'm an older INTJ, and I know it is incredibly draining. I tried to be a normal human during my 20s and I ended up being suicidal most of the time - not depressed but I had an overwhelming desire to destroy myself. On a bad attack, I would bang my fists on a cement wall, and even had a desire to bang my head, but something - God? Who knows? - stopped me. On a not so bad attack, I would destroy something I actually valued, because at that moment nothing mattered. That sort of stuff. Only later did I learn that I was simply suffering from being drained all the time, and also I was trying to be someone I'm not. A dog can be trained to walk on his hind legs, but pretty soon he'll develop some joint problems.
Lesson learned: Do the 'human' thing ONLY if you have a good reason to. Don't just be 'human' to be liked. For example, if you need to impress someone to get hired, then do what you need to do, but if the person in front of you is someone you don't like very much, then don't engage in the small talk, make a vague excuse and leave. If he talks about how weird you are to everyone else, who cares?
As an INTJ I often just tell people that I don’t have a sense of humor since I don’t find other people’s humor funny and most people don’t get mine
Well, this is remarkably concise and blunt in true INTJ fashion ~ Nathan
I just take jokes like normal sentences because I believe that people use „jokes“ to say something they mean but don’t want to be judged for.
facts!
"I have a wonderful sense of humor. But it does require a certain intellectual capacity to appreciate." You've corrected them and called them an idiot all at once. Talk about being efficient.
My old dayjob legit thought I was a comedian because no one there understood dry sarcasm.
Makes sense, no wonder I'm single.
lol, where is my time machine?
😂
I am available
Angantyr Same bro
Same
I am INTP with an INTJ friend. Boy are we a good bad match. Every time we talk we always end a conversation with 'I sure hope hell ain't real' because there is no boundary we wouldn't cross when it comes to ideas.
I have an INTP friend and agree with this.
Why do I feel like you just summarised every single conversation between those two types ~Nathan
😂I am an enfp and i had intp girlfreind its weird becauce all other intps were talking nagtive and that's kinda shit she was always saying cute things and fun🥺🔥
INTJ with ENTJ friend. Basically the same, but with a more "take over the world" approach :D
I'm an INTJ and my brother is INTP, we do get along sooooo well.
INTJ here. When you said not to "re-frame everything they say as how it relates back to you". Yyyyyyeah, this is exactly what happens when I try to human. So hard not to. It's so hard to ask follow-up questions because I usually don't care, because it's usually vapid small talk. If you're not going to share your deepest wound or darkest moment, move along.
I can relate to this. People often say that “Smalltalk is the gateway into a conversation“ but to be honest I’ve never understood why you couldn’t just skip to the good part. Nonetheless, I’m not sure there’s any way around it at this point, it’s a necessary evil ~Nathan
You are both very right. As an INFJ who grew up with social anxiety, my own high Fe felt alien to me. Learning to make small talk was the absolute worst because it is absolutely banal and trivial. And unfortunately necessary...
Echoing Nathan, small talk is the gate to larger conversations. But! In my approach now, I kind of make a game of it. When I listen (which I agree, gets exhausting), I’m always keeping an ear out for that one little tidbit to expand upon. So if you tell me you have a dog, my next question will be “what’s your dog’s name?” then maybe something safe like “what breed? how old?” or hopefully something more interesting like “why did you name your dog Icarus?”
It makes the banal a bit more fun. To be honest though, sometimes I’ll just jump in after name introductions with a direct question like, “So Joe, what’s your biggest fear?” You’d be surprised at how often people respond honestly when caught off guard.
Or maybe the group thinks you’re weird and you move on to another that’s more interesting.
Same here..... already found their deepest trauma and I am not listening anymore ....
I am an INFP but that is still so me
Yes please share your deepest wound or darkest moment so that I may inadvertently say something inappropriate.
For INTJs, working on Fe is more like damage control. It will never be turned into a strength.
I tend to agree with this sentiment ~ Nathan
Wow....this is...perfectly said actually. I've gotten better at 'feeling' in general, but it's still never going to be a strength.
@@jenniferhiemstra5228 Well, I say this from personal experience. I am simply awful, as an an INFJ, at using Te. Clearly, I see the value of having it, but as my 7th function, it is as good as useless for me. So, I simply side step situations that require using it as a strength, like most managerial jobs, or delegate it to more competent Te users when I need to make an important decisions and input is required.
“Classify yourself upfront” works like a charm. In my groups of friends I am the card-carrying deadpan snarker and we all laugh together when I make a witty remark, making social interactions much easier for everyone. Still had to learn how to read the room so the act doesn’t become trite or downright offensive.
Extremely well said! That last sentence is also excellent advice ~Nathan
I used to just believe that there was something wrong with me. I would watch as the people around me seamlessly formed interpersonal relationships with others. Now that I'm older I have gotten better at contending with social interactions, but I'll always probably feel the most comfortable when I'm either by myself or with my girlfriend who also happens to be INTJ. Some people say that you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who has the same personality type, but I think it's incredible. We have all of the same interests and it's astounding how similar we are in our cognitive behaviors. She also doesn't act as if something is wrong with me or that I need to change in some way.
God that must be erotic to bounce of ideas.
My husband and I are also both INTJs. Never have I ever found a better fit with someone in the world. It's the same with us- totally accepting of each other and never acting as if something is wrong with the other. Incredibly interesting conversations too. I often step back and realize most couples don't discuss philosophy and politics quite as much as we do on dinner dates lol.
So you live in Alabama?
wooow thay's wonderful! I'm so happy for you and your girlfriend! 🥺 - another INTJ
Don't confuse self-respect with narcissism.
Very good point ~ Nathan
Self respect and narcissism would not something to be compared. Narcissists do not have self respect. Oh you mean self interest. Yes. True.
I don't think INTJs are evil at all, they're just certain type of individuals that don't depend on ethical dogma which at times are found "inefficient" in their book. INTJs prefer solid approaches instead of arbitrary ones. Since this is their case to be misunderstood as "inhuman" or that they think that they're such, who they are deserve credibility since they're such exceptional organizers. So if you're INTJ, keep moving at the same direction with precise velocity.
You just described a intj girl from detective conan her name is haibara ai
yeah forget personal growth
@Trihardious Maximus I had the same morbid thoughts, but I would only put ignorant people in there, preferably.
That's not so true
As an INTJ, I might not follow moral or ethical dogmas, but I sure as hell follow a personal more code and universal ethical principles (which are derived from pure logic, so aren’t society-dependent).
I studied all of Robert Greene books and took notes. He is a life saver. I am grateful to him. And remember, he is an INTJ too. I feel proud of the information.
100% agreed, life saver for me too. The Art of Seduction was life changing and continues to be whenever I re-read it ~ Nathan
"I'm weird and eccentric. I have no taboos and I say how things are. If I ever hurt your feelings, please tell me so."
So far this has worked for me even though my parents (ISTJ and ESFJ) always complain how I should "be more careful" with people. I'm friggin 30yrs old, lemme try to socialize myself damnit.
That is an interesting dynamic between those three types ~ Nathan
@@abbyanderbard proly
*If I ever hurt your feelings, too bad
*Copied to clip board*
*If i ever hurt your feelings cry softly in the night like the rest of us
As an INTJ, reading fantasy helped me understand people a little bit better, since I could see through another person's eyes and 'see' their feelings
You’re right. It can be draining when you do all the giving... Most important thing is-- Look for reciprocal friendships. If they don’t show you the same amount of interest in you, as you do them, you’re better off without them. Don’t allow yourself to be a doormat for narcissistic people who wont give you equal time !
This is really hard for me. I know how I'm supposed to act in order for people to find me more or less pleasant to be around (though occasionally, I say something dumb and have to backtrack etc.), but it often feels kind of... fake. And I get the feeling that the other person is getting their needs met, which is nice, but for me it's... a bit frustrating. Like I enjoy the connection and all, but feel like I can't be myself anyway. I will sneak in some of who I really am, my opinions etc., but if I get too comfortable and share something that I'm currently geeking about, or something really personal, people usually look at me like I had grown another head 😬Don't get me wrong, I like my friends, but it always feels like there is a wall between us when we're talking.
It's sort of depressing for me, but I've gotten used to it and the idea that there will probably never be someone who would really know me and yet wouldn't run away screeming. Makes one want to give up any socializing altogether and just live alone with a cat, though...
Eh, sorry for a rant, it just feels nice to actually say this stuff for once, you know?
Excellent advice! Seek reciprocity whenever possible! ~ Nathan
I wish I learned this when I was younger
@@qwertyCandy I know, it's like you don't matter. You have to mask to accommodate others. I gave up entirely, tbh.
@@qwertyCandy you just described what I've felt for I think my whole life better than I could - female intj
'Listening to people is the easy win of human interactions.'
It verges on being a cheat code even though as I mentioned, it does certainly take energy ~ Nathan
@Trihardious Maximus Introverted girls can talk alot too. ;) My gf for example, is an infj and she can talk a lot when she feels at ease with someone who is also willing to really listen.
In my experience, getting introverted people to talk requires good active listening skills and often some assertive showing of interest (with respect for their boudaries).
Ofcourse, it's no guarantee: some people just don't want to talk to you, for whatever reasons. But given they actually would like to talk, I experienced most succes with active listening and assertively but respectfully showing genuine interest in them. :)
When you mentioned breaking social contracts,... It reminds me of: if two of us are talking, reading from a play script. Then in mid sentence, I stop reading/talking from the script and actually talk to the actual person. That's how it feels to me. INTJ
As a "matured" INTJ who learned the social interaction, it's more of a fluid systematic approach through years of study in human psychology of non-verbal cues, verbal intonation, and smiling. I necessarily don't feel what I express, but it's something I make sure to do in order to not jeopardize my social circles (work, family, etc). Although I can now do small talks here and there, I still believe it's ultimately a pointless thing unless it builds a relationship.
small talk fills the silence when there is nothing valuable to say.
@@annabanna7781 most intjs don't mind silence.
@sue sylvester I know, I am an INTJ 😆
What if you do all of this but because you’re not actually being yourself in all of it you don’t actually make any connections :/
@@schuyler6476aha ur so right. This reminds me of my first date with my ex (ENTP) where he was nervous about the silence and told me abt it. And I straight up relied with, “there’s nothing wrong with silence. silence can be comfortable”
**cue more silence**
**he gets more awkward** 😂
I like when people are blunt and straight forward to me because I have misinterpreted people's ques in the past and it caused me trouble so I don't bother with that 😂
i can fake it, being nice, but it is exhausting. i see that you understand. i have not found a way to avoid the "walk away" after 3 to 5 minutes of small talk. in my family, gracious indulgence has been given to my abrupt departures. i have learned that after 2 hours of family functions, friends etc., i am done for 24....
Yes that is the biggest issue. I think that introverts really need to make a stand on that point, people will get used to it over time and they'll come to value the quality time with you ~ Nathan
Same. For a social function, I will be a normal person for a couple hours and then I vanish. In a rare scenario where I can't physically leave, I will just be an empty shell.
This was not only brilliant, but eerily right on time. I, at this very moment, just ended a phone convo with my INFJ friend about how I’ve come to realize that my boyfriend, an INTJ is, in fact, truly, an alien.
I’m an ENTP, and still scratching my head as to how my bf even came to be, and I realized it was through methodical scrutiny and calculated emulation.
Well done. 🤘🏼
Well it’s very rare for me to have a good timing, so that’s great to hear. Currently on our discord we have mainly introverts and we could definitely do with some… Charming ENTPs ~ Nathan
The guy I love more than anyone else is an INTJ... he is calm and chill and I am outgoing and free. I am the only one who ever broke through his shell, into his mind and soul. If you have the ability to do that, you will discover such a rich, vast, sensual world they don't share with anyone.
In fact, most of them will die all alone in this and no one will ever know they exist. You need to be an INTJ whisperer in order for this to happen. They are the cat souls of the MBTI..
sounds like your experience can be a big contribution to the discord server ;) why not check it out
@Terminal Frost TWHS :)
are you sure you broke through his shell? cause I bet you didn't.
in b4 all the edgy replies lol
As an INTJ who had another whisperer break through my wall and show me that not all humans are garbage and that there is a way to live "free" as you said, I can thank you sincerely for doing that for one of my brothers. You must be remarkable to have gotten through. Not all of us are so blessed, so I understand the jaded replies, but don't let them bother you. Your comment was kind and enlightening to those who can accept it.
I use these tricks all the time. They have become ''default initialization programs'' for me, in order to be able to deal with social interactions while still avoiding being challenged all the time (as much as possible). I've had people in my life (after a few years) bring up our first conversation (that I had forgotten) and my own bluntness amazes me (If I'd met me, I'd totally find myself creepy).
For instance, I had this colleague reminding me that the first thing I ever said to him was (after working shoulder to shoulder a whole day in complete silence without me ever officially and openly acknowledging his existence)
"I'm very socially awkward''
, looking him dead in the eye before resuming to my work without any further exchange.
Hearing that and thinking back on what is acceptable in society's standard, I don't even understand how anyone would want to be friends with me ahahah.
“Default initialisation programs” - today we coined “DIPs” as a thing ~ Nathan
I’m an ENFJ and my closest friend is an INTJ 🤣 We have the best conversations in the whole world. The chemistry is great too, but figuring out what’s going on in that head is such a task! They need too much space and ENFJs tend to get clingy. Best part about this friendship between ENFJ and INTJ? You can pull them away from the world into your world and show them how beautiful the world can be. They will be bummed to look at emotions an ENFJ-way 😉❤️
That is a fascinating combo indeed! ~ Nathan
I love that you talk about shutting down after a certain amount of socializing and that it happens very quickly. It's easy for a person to think their broken when this happens. Now I know this is entirely normal for my personality type and instead of trying to be something I'm not, I can plan ahead to work around situations that I know will be draining.
A few years ago, my brother and his wife went to Cancun for her 40th birthday, along with many of their friends and I went along as well. I was very apprehensive about it because it is almost pure socializing for around five days. That will send a chill down any INTJs spine (with many people you don't know or are very light aquaintences).
Anyway, right off the bat I let people know the socializing drains me so I would be appearing, disappearing, re-appearing during the week.
So the first day I partied with them for a couple hours, drank a lot, and then went back to my room and crashed for probably six hours. Then I found them and did that some more for about 2 hours before retreating back to the room. I was never stuck in a social atmosphere with an empty battery and no one asked where I disappeared to.
That translated what is a terrible environment for and INTJ into an enjoyable week.
This title is just perfect, I feel it. For all my life I've felt disconnected and different. Sometimes I even felt like an alien because most humans I've met are unlike me on so many levels. I literally found out that have the INTJ type yesterday. A quick reseach made me feel less alien, knowing I'm not the only one experiencing life this way, that's nice. Great vid btw
Fermi, how Fascinating, Love Who has te-rrific content.
“There are two possible outcomes: if the result confirms the hypothesis, then you've made a measurement.
If the result is contrary to the hypothesis, then you've made a discovery”
― Enrico Fermi
Early in my life, I realized who I was. I would never be a Captain Kirk and I certainly did not care to become a Nurse Chapel.
'I began to study human behavior from an alien perspective, thinking, humans are interesting, sad, foolish, but worthy of study.
-Mr. Spock
I love that quote. It's so applicable to many areas of life - "You either win or you learn" ~ Nathan
I totally related to the last bit with the bluntness and the direct, unemotional perception that people often formulate. It is best to explain to them who you are and give them an idea of your personality.
However, I don’t think these people understand HOW DRAINING it is to have to explain myself time and time again. After a while, you want to just roll your eyes and “f” it...But then you realize that saying “f” it gets you nowhere either, so you just explain yourself little by little so that it’s not so draining to you...or at least that what I do. And you what else helps? Writing letters to them and telling them about you. It may seem a bit odd, but again, it’s not draining and it always you to truly pick and choose the correct words to express.
Absolutely brilliant suggestion! If writing is your thing (and it often is for introverts) then make full use of it ~ Nathan
I love that letter writing approach, it’s so novel. (Pun only half-intended.) I’m glad that you aren’t giving up on the idea of human social interaction, INTJs are fascinating.
Signed, an INFJ
When I was younger, I often felt misunderstood and often accidentally offended others simply by stating things as I saw them...not realizing that most people don't want to see or hear the truth.
For example, if a friend was complaining about their boyfriend/girlfriend, I'd say, "He/she is making you miserable. You should break up with him/her. They sound like a terrible person anyhow".
Eventually I figured it out. Not everyone is okay being on their own so I learned to shut up and allowed them to vent, and even taught myself not to roll my eyes. Really made a difference.
I love how honest this video was. When I talk to psychologists and friends about this issue, they often say "Just go with the flow, you're not weird! Don't worry its okay to be awkward" without actually knowing what it truly feels like, when you just aren't accustomed to social interaction. Finally, someone, who says it like it is. This advice will go into use.
Yeah that advice only works if you are excessively self-critical and that is getting in the way of functional instincts and skills you have. For us, we tend to not be excessively self-critical (because we try to look at ourselves objectively as much as possible, no matter how bad we feel about ourselves), and we don't have very many socially functional instincts. We need information from outside our perspectives and skills that we don't have.
I had to be worked on by an entire family when I was a teen to learn how to "human." My issue was a lack of empathy for others because I wasn't empathetic with myself and unable to understand my own emotional expression.
After learning what "human" and love is from them, I realized that I didn't vibe with the common definitions of love and compassion at all. So , I developed my own in order to finally relate to people. For me, compassion is *understanding* where this person is coming from and how it affects their behavior (motive)... but doing it in a way that's non-clinical. So if you have close friends, replicate that behavior (the mushy side of intj) and do it for others. No, it won't be the same, but you'll def come off warmer if you show 1/10th of care for others that you do for the ones you love.
And because this benefits me first as well as them, I don't feel too upset about expending so much energy on people or scenarios that aren't "worth it" by my usual definitions.
Outside of direct social contact, I've gotten into slice of life podcasts (like Outlook, Beautiful Anonymous) and other media where regular people talk about life events. Realizing that we're all connected - like it or not - because we're all human has really helped me to dispel some of my cold veneer.
And frankly, it helps to be attractive and to smile when you're playing a human. If you don't want to work on your fe because it goes against your worldview, then tap into the manipulative side to get your way. Increase your physical attractiveness and you can get away with being an ass with little to no complaints. (ha).
I had another INTJ counselor who suggested the Machiavellian type self-help books and he was making money and had lots of "friends" despite being an empty person, so it works.
I am not fond of watching "video advice" for INTJs, but for once they sound very useful especially setting a timer for conversations, thank you.
This is awesome to hear, I know you guys have high standards so getting the approval of a real life INTJs is always great ~ Nathan
Love Who Lol yes, INTJs do have high standards for approval. ;)
Signed, NOT an INTJ
while growing up as an intj AND (somehow - despite my low level of social drive) being one of the more popular kids in my high school class, i used to take advantage of my being different. i would call friends 'freaks' as if was a GOOD thing. others then also started to use the phrase and, it created a sense of inclusiveness in us ALL being freaks and/or weirdos.
GOOD SHIT.
ABSOLUTELY.
FOR SURE.
“Show them that aliens walk among us.....disprove the Fermi paradox”.......LOL! This was one of the more hilarious videos. 👽
Glad you liked it! This was a request from a Patron so it's always nice when those videos turn out well ~ Nathan
That’s a great analysis of the INTJ and social interactions - or the lack of it.
Any tactic to help INTJs is going to need to be unconventional! ~Nathan
INTJ here,
He says "Do not take the self help literally"
My notes from the video:
1. People are narcissistic, get them to talk about themselves
2. Classify yourself upfront
Planning to take that literally :D
As I'm INTJ as well as autistic, social skills have been quite a challenge for me. This video is certainly welcome!
'Looking more like an alien' goes against every bit of social skills training and advice I've ever had, but your explanation makes sense. I'm looking forward to trying it out.
ISTP, and my BFF is INTJ. I've used all these techniques to try to get along with people, esp. women, who I'm usually surrounded by.
Having an INTJ friend is so rewarding b/c we don't have to play those games, we can just be ourselves.
INTJs are wonderful -- quiet, sensible, and they come with a sense of stability that I as an NTP lack entirely. Best of all they are very low maintenance -- just give them a cup of tea, a book, and a comfy chair in the corner, and they're happy.
Respectfully, no. We're generally filled with angst and inner turmoil. However, if we don't have something to do and aren't focused on anything in particular we're very happy with tea, a book, and a comfy chair in the corner!
There are genuinely good, honest, people in touch with reality people who INTJs will likely have productive relationships with, everyone else, particularily those with a pattern of causing problems, need to be kept at arms length until you have better skills in handling those you don't have a natural connection with
I'm impressed with the 'simple' depth of this advice. ;) I'm glad you bring up the 'dropping off the cliff' moment... it took me a long time to recognize that moment - what causes it, what it means. Another thing... I don't believe anyone who tells me up front 'how they are' because usually they are wrong about themselves and it sets up false characterizations that can be hard to break later at worst and appears manipulative at best. I'd hesitate to engage in that kind of expectation setting. Rather, I'm curious how others perceive me and find it amusing when they vocalize it. So what if you offend someone sometimes by 'blindsiding' them with your personality? Validating others' observations disarms them from becoming defensive, and we can develop a rapport with a better understanding from there, if that is important to do. Part of learning to human is to learn how to be imperfect and not take ourselves so seriously.
Excellent comment/advice! I love it when people take the time to impart their own wisdom! ~ Nathan
This is really good advice, for an ISTP as well.
Yep, ISTP here, I've actively used all these techniques to try to get along better, esp. with other women, since I'm usually surrounded by them.
Yes this applies to all types that have lower Fe actually! ~ Nathan
Yes book recommendations! Thank you for that. Might I add the classic How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie? Tactic 1 ? Spot on. People often forget a simple truth: humans love talking about themselves, showing (genuine) interest in others is a sure way to appear likeable at the very least. I love the caveat you make, boundaries are essential (talking from experience as a good listener).
Ahh yes I forgot to add that one in and it is indeed a classic! ~ Nathan
My god, I read that book too and it has helped me a lot at work.
Great book
INTJ here. I've read Ego is the Enemy twice and found it very useful. It explains why getting out of our heads is necessary to achieve anything worthwhile. Most of the other books you've recommended are on my Amazon wishlist which tells me that they are worth spending money on.
This is such an underrated channel. Keep up the hard work man 👍🏽
I've been doing this things without even knowing.
I want to thank my mom for arguing with me for everything I do and teaching me how to be a human(??)
2nd video I've watched I'm already enjoying your channel. I'm an INTJ myself, and when you mentioned "Books you recommend" I was expecting the same exact books you listed, especially 'Mastery', this book connected to me down to my core, when I saw this my intuition went crazy aside from the fact that it's black and gold, it was all that I expected it to be. It felt like the book was made for me.
no.i don't believe in self help books.as an intj i really don't care what people think of me or if i'm bad at communicating with them. actually instead of what you call 'being human' i have chosen a specialty and a job and even a city which doesn't require a lot of interaction with people...i just don't care if i'm weird and different and i solve this "problem" by staying as far from people as i can and i enjoy it😂😂
So where do you live If you don’t mind me asking
Another great vid thanks for the content
...When I was a kid, I always wondered why everyone's emotions & feelings were so intense...I couldn't have the same reaction, everyone seemed to share their own neverending production of energy & passion towards life. I always felt like life is a book were I'm often the reader & everyone's else is a character for which the story is absolutely real & matters a lot...Then when I wanted to have fun, I would just act as the writer & put them in different situations (physically or mentally) to see how they would react...I have always loved to read & write. So after learning what I needed to learn, I just started to fake a level of passion towards my "hobbies" or anything I talk about...& Nowadays that's pretty easy for me. I can fake everything, the people around me wouldn't think I'm actually INTJ...They would say I'm so emotional, so passionate about things...But I still have a limit & after reaching it I just need to hide away from society. I don't like to talk with people, I rather hear & observe than talk, but I became good at participating by acting like some ESFJ... Partly because I learned that from my mom who is ESFJ...But my energy is a real issue...I end up needing a lot of time for myself & hating society...
Hi I'm an INTJ and yes my strategy is also to read a lot of books on this subject, I just bought one last week. Great video! Subbed.
Nathan, your videos are amazing! Insightful but also funny. Thank you!
Why thank you! 😈 ~ Nathan
Considering the amount of "How to Human as an INTJ" videos I've watched, you think I'd be pretty good at it by now...
its because you're using it as infotainment, you need to deploy it in the real world (if that is a thing)
@@ph0522 The trouble is applying the self help too literally... as an INTJ I struggle with that.
I once heard advice mentioning I should make people laugh to make them feel more comfortable with you
So I watch a comedian, thought he was funny
recited his skit
found myself in the HR office for offending someone
my response "Just tried to make them laugh. It was funny when he said it, I don't understand."
@@rockstarpunched0007 ,
And that's the robot part. At a social event, I am 100% faking it and 0% natural. Sometimes I fake it pretty well and other times it's a complete disaster.
Simple in description, complex in execution.
I need this, thanks for the upload
Hopefully you found it useful/enjoyable ~ Nathan
Brilliant! Thank you.
This has got to be the best MBTI channel out there
I really use the trick of letting people talk about themselves. The issue is, the more they talk the less I am interested in them. There is only certain amount of information about oneself that is interesting. If conversation does not go further to other subjects like politics, history or whatever, I really do not feel like seeing that person any more. What amazes me at most is that they never ask back. Which is not a problem to me, I do not need to talk about myself, also not that interesting even to myself. But that lack of curiosity from the other side is compketely alien to me. Regarding your second point, yes I am starting applying it now, saying on front that I am not the most social human being and have issues with interconnection withbother people. It works, people are the more receptive and open. I am 46, I have lost a lot of time already.
Loved the Fermi paradox joke
Glad to hear it! ~ Nathan
I’d highly recommend those books too! Good list.
thers also a literature section in the dicord check it out ;) link in the description
Excellent list - almost all those books have been on my wish list for a while.
You have good taste, feel free to email any other suggestions my way! ~ Nathan
You know I respect you added such books, I dont know if i might read but good advice
This maaaan is a reflection 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Improving my soft skills has immensely improved my life.
What's crazy to me as an INTJ. I have read all these books. And I love them. 33 strategies of war is one of my favs + 48 laws of power.
Keep up the good content. I'll check out the discord.
I'm an INFJ I watched this video just for entertainment value. Thank you, Nathan!
Wow. The best video I've watched while researching this.
I love solitude, I grow the most when i'm within my own confinements and thoughts without any external influences.
This is the video I needed, thank you. Social expectations/interactions have always been a huge stress factor for me unsurprisingly (notably answering messages, I'm the one that responds once then never again because it's inconvenient, and after then the more guilty I feel the less likely I am to respond) looks like it's a very INTJ thing but it can't be justified that way.
Hopefully you got something worthwhile from it. Would 100% recommend getting stuck into those books, life changing strategies that help every area of your life ~ Nathan
You know... I really wish this video was uploaded and shown to me 10 or so years ago. What you've said here is very true, I had to learn these things over a significant time period, books + trial and error. Also, right on about the "cliff" effect - also came to the same realization, time limit is best set in advance.
Also: in your book list - I think the addition of "How to Win friends and Influence people" would be a worthwhile addition. It nicely explains not just the usefulness of effective human interactions, but also some key aspects of the human psyche, motivations, boundaries (things you should tread carefuly around, or taboos like questioning someone's intelligence), key elements of enjoyable conversation, effects of vanity on a social interaction. And some effective methods of how to human. ;)
Oh holy hell, I have to listen to them and let them ramble about Shopping and what tv shows they watch 💀 ... I had to click rewind on you 15 times and I wanted to hear it.
I learned to apply these in my life after reading the book 'how to win friends and influence people' and the experience has been Life changing. I let people talk about themselves while being genuinely interested in what they're saying. Asking questions definitely works. It does become exhausting all of a sudden sometimes and so many people complain about how I never tell them anything about myself.
I forgot to mention that book but I agree that is an absolute classic ~ Nathan
That....was...FASCINATING!
Thaught myself a lot by courses and books. I have to say it bettered a lot my ability to start conversations; ask questions, be interested, etc. - it's also nice to see another person having a good time talking about themselves. It also makes me happy I can achieve this, this is maybe a INTJ way to put it.
I recently moved to my boyfriends country, people are quiet to themselves. Sooo I tend to do a lot of the (for me) work within the convo . If I have the energy, it works pretty well.
However, what you mentioned - man oh maaaan is it tireeening. I'll try your tip! :) (although yes, might be weird to have a 45 min talk, and after that sit in a corner alone :D or make them the convo "leader" and then it becomes a all awful or awkwardly quiet convo - but what should I do, unfortunately can not be the leader always.)
What also works nicely is to take a friend extrovert with you and let them take over that lead after a moment. Do this with my boyfriend and best friend all the time.
The moment you mentioned books, I was like "It's some Robert Greene book, isn't it?".
It's 5 of his lmao.
Interesting tips. Very relatable.
That's great to hear, thank you! ~ Nathan
Just wanted to say *thank you* for the reading list. Been making my way through the Robert Greene titles the last few months and, quite frankly, I needed to read those. Still going through your list, but it's really helped me thus far. - INTJ
That’s great to hear! For the right kind of person his books really can be quite transformative ~ Nathan
So that's why INTJ numbers have sky-rocketed since yesterday on the Discord server!
We need more SF types in there... I'll trust your plan to make a great variety of viewers want to come there :-D
I'd say INFPs and maybe INFJs could result in more influxes over time. Right now I'm guessing we'll end up with around 1000 members and we'll see how many of them stay online regularly. Obviously we're still trying to figure things out and if you have any suggestions or ideas of how we can improve them please let me know! ~ Nathan
I'm a Discord newbie so I don't have any interesting ideas yet, but I will let you know if anything comes to my mind. I like it there, your community is really interesting :-)
I am an INTJ who was raised in a large family. Since social interaction was home-life I think my mom picked up on my awkwardness early on. Raising me she was very clear and direct about how to understand and talk to people. It was like being raised with a self-help book. A lot of times I would come home hurt over something and she would help me either realize it wasn’t me, how to fix it, or how to let it go. Her biggest thing was diplomacy, something she’s an expert at. Sure it’s taken me decades to understand how to apply a lot of it properly, and I’m still learning every day, but I can say I was pretty blessed for it. And I actually enjoy (unrepetitive) small talk now, to a point. ;)
My reading suggestion: the Art of War. Its lessons, if understood, are extremely useful, and can be applied to literally every thing you say or do, including appearing to be more human.
Agreed
What kind of INTJ hasn't read the Art of War? It's the most INTJ book in existence. Accordingly, I would say it's not a very good book for getting out of our shells and pushing our boundaries.
"... and we can debate the ethics of lying at a later date." 😂
Hey, Yogi Bhajan was famous for advising "fake it til you make it."
Still, trying to change _for_ someone else/others never seems to stick. Is there a conundrum in changing because you want to be more personable, and get more connection with others?
Hm.
My best real life examples with my more introverted friends is that I enjoy making them laugh, and listening and laughing is a good way to relax and open up. Once I know what's funny to them - it feels like a very low-risk, high-reward interaction. A few of them, their massage is half-massage, half-comedy routine. Everyone wins.
Edited to add: of course, they COULD just be laughing because they want more connection with me, and now I'm going to obssess about that all day, so thanks 😉
It's interesting because when you 'fake it' it often becomes self fulfilling. I think that many confident people start off faking it to be honest! ~ Nathan
Reframing towards ourselves feels like the only option sometimes
Simple system to use to "human" or socialize.
I used it and it's become a part of me, now I can not stop speaking, I have to reinforce myself over and over to not speak unless it's necessary
3 simple steps, this system can be naturally improved.
Input
Approach
- Body language
- Verbal commute
- Emotional engagement
Conversation starter
- Recent events
- Simply mentioning simple things around you
Output
Usually the result of the conversation in order to make someone or a valued friend to want to be more around you.
This result would leave both parties involved with a sense of emotional refreshment from communicating
This worked well, a little too well.
I'm going with the "let them think you're an alien" approach whether or not I'm an INTJ. It fits.
Thank you, I really needed help to convince the humans that I am just an INTJ personality person
Having learned all this by trial and error, let me reiterate that *people love to talk about themselves.* Listening isn't passive, but it does take less energy than being the subject of conversation yourself. Also, observe the more extroverted types, and you can learn a lot
As soon as I saw how to human you hooked me
I used to hate talking to people, probably cuz Im an introvert. But now I use people to tell me more about them so I can learn other things:careers, hobbies, businesses, or whatever they are good at or knowledgeable in so I can absorb the info for myself. I dont neccessarily care about getting to know them, but seeing as how I get info out of them and people love talking about themselves its a win win. I also fake emotions cuz people think you're monotone(not that I care) but I figured it would make them feel others feel good, such as smiling, fake laughing. Eventually getting into these habits has made it feel more real to me and im sure feels more genuine to others (more than before at least ;))
Some great advice here and thanks for the book recommendations.
Personally I struggle with putting in the effort to improve at things I don't like doing and are so draining like social schmoozing. Blech! I like the strategy of embracing my awkward better. 😳
“Embracing awkward“ is actually an exceptionally good strategy. As is always the case, you have to understand what drawbacks you can tolerate. If being awkward and individualistic is something you can own, even if it comes at the expense of being divisive, then that is as good as strategy as any other ~ Nathan
Nathan, I'm an INFJ, but a) this is a great video b) this is the first time in my entire life I actually understood cognitively why the thing I reflexively do whenever things seem awkward (draw the other person into talking about themselves) works. I hate talking about myself to strangers, so I always worry that I'm being a manipulative creep when I steer the other person toward telling me about their novel. I also feel like sometimes it backfires, when the other person assumes that we're going to be good friends. Maybe that isn't a risk INTJs face, though!
This makes a lot of sense, especially the part about it backfiring. Inadvertently acquiring too many friends (and conquests) is a real risk of using any of these tactics and strategies in life ~Nathan
Love Who - But if you inadvertently conquer too many potential friends, it only means that you’re moving on to step 2: starting your cult.
Excellent advice in this video! 👌 I very much second your advice about listening and getting people to talk about themselves. This is my strategy, and it is a genuine one as I do enjoy listening and asking questions rather than talking. (I prefer to give my mastermind monologues online. 😈) This is something that would overwhelmingly help INTJs - especially INTJ males. As for your second bit of advice - I think I am working on that one. 🤔 It is much more difficult. I agree with you that people love aliens - but I don’t think people realize just HOW alien an INTJ can be. Everyone loves to watch Sherlock Holmes or House or Spock on the screen, but when you actually have to interact with a Holmes, House, or Spock in real life, it is a whole other thing entirely. But I get about the expectations/context thing. I have observed this, and something I have thought a lot about. I shall continue to do so. 😉
Btw, I joined the Discord server! I will be lurking in the shadows mostly, haha. Discord confuses the heck out of me. The whole platform and bots and language, it is just so weird and hard to follow, but I am there! It looks like it is a thriving community.
Yes this is a thing I've come to realize. People prefer our character type in fiction over our character type in real life. They REALLY like it in fiction though.
A great selection. If I may suggest, the list misses one very useful and important: "How to Win Friends and Influence People".
It teaches how to persuade and negotiate (life-focused) with others, a point listed things INTJs have trouble with.
Robert Greene!!! I love his books so much. The art of seduction man, I can draw a line from how reading that (well listening to the audiobook) was the exact end of abusive relationships in my life. I love Robert Greene. He’s difficult to recommend to others though.
I'm a strange INTJ because I can be very warm and personable and charming but it only goes so far. Eventually people subconsciously realize that something is missing, and then drop the connection with me because it's weirding them out and they don't know why. These are the moments I dread the most, when a huge gulf suddenly opens up between me and the other person and I feel like I was just shoved out of an airlock. My entire social anxiety/avoidant personality issue is based around these moments. Because from my point of view, everything was fine then suddenly people were looking at me like I'm an alien and I am all alone. Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off just being an asshole to people all the time. Avoid the heartbreak. :(
The second advise is the best. People expected me to be unfeeling and rude. That’s why they were happy when I was a little bit kind
This is great stuff! I have 2 friends, well one friend is istp and one is intj. My istp friend he can be really off the wall and at times irreverent at times but we tend to over look it based off of 1) how he’ll always have your back, always 2) his past 3) he does all of what he does without thinking it’s just him.
The intj friend? We haven’t known him quite as long, he really does try to human but he’s literally a machine. When he does try to be friendly he has these archaic quips and or stories, and it’s painful to observe. He has offended MANY people because he is just so focused on efficiency.
Im an infp so I’m probably the anti intj but I do feel sorry for the guy, he is nice and you can tell he’s trying.
Side note he is married and I really wonder how that works 🤔
Hahahahaha, this was wonderful. I have three close INTJ friends. I am married to an INFP. Half of my family growing up were introverts. My entire bridal party was composed of people who could run a small country... if they would only talk to each other. I love INTJs, this was hilarious and interesting. ENTJ, your extroverted cousin. Same parts, different order. 😜😄
On your intro, i always identified as star treks “data” when i was a kid
The first intj to watch
I really enjoy one on one conversations with people who open up to me, but they usually won't because I don't make a good first impression as someone you could open up to.
what really helped me to fake Fe was by trying to "convert" it to some extent into my Te function. When talking to people I'm trying to figure out what kind of person I'm talking to on a quite detailed level. I'm making a game out of this by forming hypotheses about them in my head and trying to validate my thoughts by asking questions and interpreting subtle changes in their facial expression and gestures.
That way I don't have to fake that I care about their opinion because I do - just not in the sense that they might think I do. But as you said - does sincerity even matter in that regard?
A further advantage of this is that I can figure out way quicker if the other person is worth my time and I eliminate my own personal bias to some extent.