It is. And I really like to see old couples holding hands when they walk in the park. But it irritates me to no end to see a husband walking ahead of his wife.
I’ve seen some atheists have healthier and happier marriages than some Christian couples.... just because two people are “Christian” doesn’t mean it’s a happy ending.
@@davida6146 very true. It's really the baggage that people bring into a marriage and how they deal with it that determines if a marriage is successful or not. But having a close relationship with God allows a person to improve his/her ability to grow and change
@@davida6146 But God keeps the marriage of Christian husband and wife together. i've seen many athesits divorce. recently bill gates and his wife are divorcing. so being an atheist doesn't mean they'll live happily ever after. i've seen christians stay together longer and happier because of God, look at Chris and Lauren tomlin, Don moen and his wife, Cody and Kari Carnes, and Paul and R.L washer and many more of them are together happily because of Jesus. without God things fall apart. atheists may stay together for a long time but they won't have Heaven when they die. Christian couples will always have Jesus for eternity.
That's lame. Sex should be awesome all the time. I have many married friends that brag to me all the time about it. And It's been decades. And they aren't even believers. Imagine how much so for 2 believers 😍
Wow!! I really love how Pastor John explains scripture, breaks it down, and relates it to everyday life!!!! Great counsel!!!! G-D bless you, Pastor John!
Horrible and useess reply. 1) There is no mystery as to “how do you decide who is ‘in charge’ of deciding the frequency of sex?” Paul in I Cor 7:1-9 could not be more explicit: it is whichever spouse has the highest libido at that point in time. How do I know? Because both parties are told not to deprive the other. DUH! Just read. You cannot deprive your partner by HAVING sex. 2) If your wife (or husband) is not enjoying sex, the most likely reason is that you are not doing it right. Not surprising, and not really your fault. You were given 12 years or more of formal instruction in writing a proper English sentence and exactly no formal training in producing a female orgasm. It ain’t rocket science but it’s not intuitive and it takes practice and knowledge you were denied by ignorant pastors who don’t follow their own advice. I am going to recommend a book called the ACT of Marriage by Tim and Beverly La Haye for Christians that might help. If you can get her off regularly, she will enjoy sex more as God intended and be less reluctant to do so regularly and you will feel better about it. 3) The only thing Piper is right about is that if you are more reluctant one, it is your duty to get into the spirit of the act - even if you do have to fake it. There is nothing less sexually satisfying than having to make love to an emotional corpse. 4) To the low libido spouse - do yourself a favor and make love to your spouse as often as you can. They have no other legitimate outlet for their God-given urges. You are it. If you want them to be faithful, quit checking their phone and computer and drain their libido as often as you can. If you say you love them, then don’t force
One of the most common problems. Most christians who date dont really discuss sex..so many people marry only to find out that their partner doesnt like sex..or worse..is a DUD in bed..thats why you cant marry for the purpose of wanting to have sex alone..and if we were to be honest the inly real benefited that a man has to be married is sex and children...so of your wife doesnt like sex...then.....it would have better to be single
There is a mountain more to marriage for a man than that. He grows in humility and service, he feels what Christ felt for the church, while trying to imitate him, he has a helper and a partner for when it’s too much for him alone, he has a second opinion on things... I thought I was called to celibacy for the past few years. I wanted to serve God alone and didn’t see much benefit in marriage. Then God placed this girl in my life and I knew she was a gift to me. I thought a lot about what marriage really is, until I came to the conclusion that I should marry to serve God better
It is a relationship problem not a sexual problem. I as a woman would much rather talk. To me talking and connection is intimacy. This is a complex issue. If a person feels used and not loved than why would they want to submit to being used? Again, complex issue and men and women are so different. In my experience simple answers are quite painful. We need empathy and compassion.
This is part of the reason why I lean further and further away from marriage, among other things. The complexity and heaviness of this subject in marriage seems just too complex and heavy.
You're in the same boat as the Apostle Paul, so nothing wrong with that. As long as you're doing it to dedicate yourself to the Lord and not just out of fear, nothing wrong at all with staying single.
I don't see it as a sin to talk about sex before you get marriage. Both at length and in detail, as long as it isn't causing you temptation you can't overcome. I think many people think they can't talk about it, which prolongs wrong expectations. In a way see marriage as saying "no" to every other woman, and even if your wife loses the ability, your life can still be whole without sex. If there's something you can't live without besides God, it is an idol, and you never truly enjoy idols anyway.
For me the hardest part of desiring to have sex with my wife comes from past trauma. I understand and relate more with the lack of desire as a man. Nevertheless, I understand that I must lead in showing affection and intimacy. It is difficult, but my love for my wife is greater than my insecurities/fears/traumas
I think that's my worst fear. is waiting until marriage. then come to find put that my wife does not desire sex.... What do you do I that situation.. ?
I talked about it...7 years in the wife changes. GG. No porn, no adultery...they are not options for the genuinely born again. My wife is absolutely beautiful which tortures me even more! Looks like i am to be tortured with desire. Stuff this.
I've always wondered why women who aren't absolutely (physically and emotionally) thrilled about having marital relations at every opportunity keep getting married. Status and emotional pressure, I suppose? To prevent these situations, the church ought to value singleness as highly as God does, so that a low-libido woman doesn't feel like she's missing out relationally in foregoing marriage. And then the males with sex drives will have to marry us overlooked sisters in church who are burning (though we may be more plain than the cute+popular, non-sex-loving girls). :)
I feel ya, bro. I serve in women's ministry, so I know all about those refusing husbands (ugh). I hope, going forward, we the church can be more upfront about how integral sex is to marriage. I mean, Paul does indeed say in 1 Cor 7: need sex? definitely get married. don't need sex? definitely don't get married. It seems like all the Christian "general marriage" books I've read just have a slim, euphemistic chapter on sex toward the end, but I think it should be one of the main things we talk about when we help young ones decide whether or not they should pursue marriage. I really, really wish we had a standard, non-creepy way to ask prospects in the getting-to-know-you stage, "Are you super eager for and committed to having regular married sex (not considering extraordinary, unforseeable events)?" Maybe something like: "So, 1 Corinthians 7:4-5, what do you think? A. Terrible! B. Yes, fiiiiine (willing to do so I can be validated by a relationship and post nice instagram photos of our wedding), or C. Amen and alleluia! :D This requires serious obedience!!" If you answered C, congratulations, you possess the first step toward marriageability. Hahaha.
There's not way to adequately vet potential mates under this standard unless we allow premarital sex. I'm not advocating one way or another, but many virgins are awakened, sexually, after marriage. Same for non-virgins who abstained for a period before marriage or before they met their spouse. Those people would be tricked into loneliness if we encouraged them not to marry because they weren't super excited to have sex whilst single / dating / engaged.
Caylonna Gahan this is a Hollywood type of dream...to find prince charm and have all your dreams come true. The real stuff is much better as it not only leads to a more mature love but also makes one incredibly closer to God.
Hi, Cay! :) My comment was not meant to insult anyone, so I'm sorry if it did. I'm just trying to see things Biblically, not according to our culture (which shallowly demands marriage for emotional validation). Paul does advocate for marriage /when/ legitimate sex is needed for a person to live in a moral way that is pleasing to God; however, if a Christian doesn't strongly desire sex, singleness is better (1 Cor. 7). If one is happy without regular intercourse, it's scripturally ideal to remain a virgin and find safety and transparency and lifelong companionship in the body of Christ . :) "That is so shallow and maybe that’s why God has not trusted you with a husband." Hm, Cay, I find that comment concerning. Do you think that might sound rather like the prosperity gospel?
Sometimes it's not just because a wife doesn't enjoy sex, for some women it's actually uncomfortable or painful. Then it isn't just an act of grace, but a sacrifice.
@@charlesroberts3304 One must try every avenue to reveal a possible answer to a problem, but sometimes the mix of issues is very difficult to fix. Women simply don't get as excited for sex as often as men do.
The pastor rightly addressed several of the reasons for a dysfunctional sexual relationship save for two: physical appeal and a cold demeanor. Just as men don’t drool over frumpy women or women with irritating character flaws, so is the case with women when it comes to men. I do not mean to be insulting to the question poser, but I do encourage him to ask his wife over a nice dinner what he can do to improve to make her happy - whether in looks, energy, performance. Being godly doesn’t necessarily translate to fireworks in bed, but it helps the couple be more open, communicative, loving, and understanding of each other’s needs and how to satisfy one another by making changes where needed as long as they’re in keeping with the word of God.
I love John Piper, he is a very wise man, FULL of God's Wisdom (God Himself) as usual, he answers this so perfectly and correctly. I also love how he always uses the term, "Outdo one another" in terms of Love of course, and YES, That's Exactly how it is to LOVE as God commands, as He Himself has Loved us and Still does Forever. His saying also reminds me of another saying I Love so much that perfectly describes God's Love, "LOVE means you BEFORE me".
The problem is no one abstains anymore. Everyone comes with past lovers baggages. So when you are with her she is busy thinking "Dave did it better". But if Dave never existed she would only know you and only you. And yes ladies this works both ways.
But the question was that she didn’t enjoy it... She doesn’t refuse, she is doing what the Bible says!........but not enjoying i There was no specific answer for that specific question They need private counseling and much humility
He did address it. He says its about growing in emotional maturity and learning to enjoy what pleases your spouse!! Taking joy that he only wants to be with his wife.
There's so much to unpack in the response. I wish we could have had a female response though, it may have been wise to consult a spiritually mature female to respond to the wife and give advice to the husband because the female perspective (which is in question) is missing element in the equation. Also I wished the societal influences should have been addressed. With the church and society's disdain for females exploring their sexuality, I have heard females complain that it is difficult to change their mindset that sex is wrong even after marriage. I wish there was more emphasis placed on figuring out what the issue is instead of "Woman, pretend you like it" otherwise you are immature. Sometimes it feels like the church encourages lying to keep the peace. The truth will always come to light and its even more painful when you fight it. Everyone gets tired of pretending after a while especially if the core issue is not addressed. When I read the bible, as a woman, for much of it I see women being treated as objects, sex toys and a lot of the times their wishes and will arent taken into consideration. Sex is already so male-focused, so many women are already pretending. The response felt compassionate for the man, but scathing for a woman who is already trying to meet him half-way. I wish the response to the female was more understanding given this context. I think what would have really been helpful is suggesting ideas for him to connect and understand his wife more. He needs to ask her what she likes, if she doesnt know he needs to be committed to figuring it out (which may take years - make it a personal project), it will include trying to be attractive for her( dress better, go to the gym... etc), be patient with her. He needs to ask her about any previous unpleasant sexual encounters she has had.(was she molested?). Perhaps go to a counsellor or therapist, get a checkout at a doctor.
Sis your view is secular and is not Biblical or Holy Spirit led. Ask the Lord to show you how to interpret scripture and how he sees us as women. Don’t let the ever popular lies being spun by our current culture as “truth” fool you into Manipulating and misreading the infallible Word of God.
@@tiphanyjolly9080 I don't agree. I think my response is pretty compassionate and I know that God loves women. "Men love your wives the way Christ loved the church". Christ died for the church. " Greater love has no man than this that a man lays down his life for a friend." But can't ignore Absolom and his sister, David and Bathsheba, Lot offering up his daughters to the men .. etc but that's man's doing not God's.
@@tiphanyjolly9080 God is loving, patient, kind, faithful he has all the fruits of the spirit in infinite quantities and he's also truth, justice and wisdom. He knows the plight of females today and he cares. He loves all of his daughters and what an honor it is to be a daughter of the king. He is worthy to be praised.
Have been married for 2 months and already feel devastated and unloved as I face the exact same issue. She wouldn't even let me touch her and I just feel pathetic about myself for those one or two instances when she let me do it against her will. Why did I even do that? 💔
please pray for my husband Curtis, we are newly Weds, he goes weeks without wanting to be intimate with me. I dt understand seeing a Christian counselor next week
in my opinion it is much harder when the wife has the higher sex drive. women can still accommodate men even if they don't like having sex with them, but men can't "fake" it.
Is he struggling with Porn addiction? Not wanting sex or connection with their wives, is a huge indication of Porn addiction sin. I pray Holy Spirit discernment reveals the truth with whatever is oppressing your husband. Don’t be afraid to seek answers ~Truth sets us free!🔥🙌🏻
I wish men would educate themselves on how difficult sex is for women after menopause. Desire dwindles or disappears because of a loss of hormones. This can also make sex painful. Hormone replacement increases the risk of breast cancer, so a prescription isn't the answer. Sex can feel like just another chore. That's the reality.
Sex in my marriage has been the biggest struggle in my life. My pre-married self struggling with abstinence would not believe me. But it has caused anger, bitterness, jealousy, regret, porn use, and depression. I hope one day I figure it out and I stop feeling like I married the wrong person
The Bible is the inspired word of God, but context matters. We love to take scriptures out of context and elevate them to laws. Has anyone ever considered who and what challenges Paul was addressing in the text? It’s my understanding there was sexual immorality in the church. Matt, is your wife sexually attracted to you? Does she trust you and feel secure in the relationship? Do you love each other unconditionally? My husband and I have gone back and forth on this for more than 20 years and I had to confess that though we seemed to fit on paper, the love we’re expressing for each other is conditional. Read SoS. The bride says, where is he whom my soul loves? Soulful love is unconditional (lacks reasoning). Rather than arguing and bitterness, self-reflect and be willing to have difficult conversations.
Divorce her now, and don't look back. And for your struggle with abstinence (pre-marriage), your parents failed you when you were growing up. Sex should be viewed as a healthy and very normal part of life, but should be reserved for a special person that you love. Unfortunately, modern society has failed everyone and has killed marriage in general. I would say not to get married anymore. Just find a girlfriend (that you love) to have sex with. But do not forget the most important part of life as a Christian. We MUST have a personal, open, private, and trusting relationship with the Lord, our God. Pray unceasingly, talk with Him, and keep your eyes focused on Him.
@paisleyyama what kind of a lowlife demands such precious thing from someone who doesn't want it? aren't you disgusted to even say this? if a person doesnt want it ever let it go, if you can go and put it in and out knowing the wife doesnt enjoy it I have no words for you
Me and my wife never have sex anymore, we are getting older and those youthful feelings are not there anymore but we stick together and rake care of one another and sleep in the same bed. We will be together until God takes us home.
@@nnoo Silly woman, of course he is useless in bed! If he is an honest Christian man who tried his best to avoid lust and porn , he got exactly no training in producing a female orgasm and has never had a vagina to practice on. You know how they work. For your own sake Tell HIM! don't be an arrogant idiot spoiling your own enjoyment waiting for him to do what he is capable of learning but had no opportunity. There isn't a decent man that will not spend hours and days learning to please you in bed if you aren't too stubborn to show him how. You are his only legitimate outlet for sex and he is yours. Get it done today. Start having lots of orgasms. God says HI and what are you waiting for? P>S> If you call him arrogant and tell him he is completely useless in bed rather than that you discovered a fun new game about sex, the lessons won't go well.
@@johnbreitmeier3268 I'm not a woman but even if I was I would not be happy with those excuses. You will never be a lover, you will never be saved by love until you take full responsibility for your own development. Without an attitude adjustment you will only bring further misery to the Mother. Get good, study some taoist or tantric techniques. It is every individuals responsibility to master their own body, your lazy thinking will get you nowhere!
@@nnoo My apologies, but my advice still stands. It is a very poor lover indeed man or woman that is so arrogant and lazy like you are that that they make fun of their partner rather tactfully educate them and see to their further development in love. You cannot even decide what religion to follow, you mentioned at least 3 and l doubt you follow any of them well. If you are trying to be "saved" in bed, you will be lost for all eternity. Until you understand that Love means preferring the good of the Loved you will never be a Lover at all and will be completely useless in life. Consider studying the Bible with the goal of getting to know Jesus. Have a blessed day.
@@johnbreitmeier3268 I have never made fun of a lover for any reason. You make a lot of assumptions without any basis for them. You think that the Bible teaches people to read from it only is that right? I consider that a terrible mistake. Friend I know you are on the defensive but honestly I mean you no harm, although I may be capable of tough love at most, this is the internet afterall, no time or purpose for stroking egos. The real benefit of our communication is that the next person that comes along can have the choice over what we say is good or bad for them. Unusually someone can take heed of another’s advice directly but that requires communion rather communication alone. Taoism is not a religion it is a philosophy derived from 64 arrangements of hexagrams. 78 if including trigrams bigrams and grams (might be another word for that lol), incidentally this is the quantity of cards in a traditional tarot deck. This philosophy is equally paralleled in Kabbalha. Although not well interpreted often. That is the pitfall of all religious/ spiritual/ philosophical teachings. To consummate your understanding of the book you must find these parallels in others. As the complete picture has never been fully revealed, definitely not within our lifetimes. Consider Islam, when Baghdad fell to the Mongols, their society the understanding the original/ complete wealth of knowledge was never fully recovered not by a long shot. Next to that consider the European affect on the original practicing of Christianity, it may fascinate you to learn as it does I that, the Ethiopian Bible is the oldest and most complete version ever found. If you watch the Book of Eli film you will understand the backstory of it somewhat. It has over a hundred books within it including all that we are familiar with. This is canonical Christianity. Try to imagine that we have never been in possession of the complete document, we are not playing with a full deck of cards as they say. It may be that many of them are marked too if you catch my drift. I intend to read them all someday, what should we be afraid of finding but that which shall shake our truth. There may be many different words for God but it is the same for everybody within their own unique lives, it is all things. Also Tantra is an understanding of a sacred practice, by cultivating inner peace and absolute respect for the holiness of another, the experience of pure love can be attained that is the elixir of life, you do not have to adopt a new religion to bring in any of its wisdom. That is the value of your personal insight that which allows you to discern what is right for you and what is wrong regardless of who is speaking beyond any affiliation or agendas. To take what is useful and discard the rest that is pragmatism. Tantra is a system of knowledge in the pursuit of ultimate truth; Pranayama is another component, that is yoga for breathing. Even the understanding of yoga is all the result of natural observations in movement, that is healthy movement or breathing techniques for any person. Such exercises should not be lost to any Christian, not one whose sincerest desire is to be closest (if not at one with) that which is called God. They should all be incorporated. Ultimately they must or Kingdom of Heaven does not return to us. If you do not understand that Jesus himself would have studied such techniques and philosophies then all may be lost. The same may be said of Buddha too of course. The song remains the same.
Every time I hear this topic, usually from a man, I always wonder if he is dealing with sexual immorality. Is this married man engaging in pornography or having sexual relations outside of his marriage? Maybe they could love their wives the way they are supposed to be loved if they aren't engaging in sexual immorality. I always wonder if this is the actual issue here, not "my spouse doesn't enjoy sex" or "my spouse won't have sex with me" by putting blame on the spouse.
I agree. Often he is getting wild sex somewhere else or it's a porn addiction and he expects his wife to be/perform like a porn star. He could be doing drugs and engaging in drug sex with others and expecting his wife to deliver the same type of sex. The wife is baffled by this.
@@jazzb3371 Love languages is bunch of horseshit. Everyone loves gifts, everyone loves talks (as long as they are nice and with people you like) , and everyone likes spending time with people they like. And here is the big news: People like touching and being touched by people they like. If your partner isnt touching you, orresponding to your touch, then they are not physically attracted to you anymore. Or not attracted in general. It can happen occasionally if they are pissed off, or other issues (say, if a woman is pregnant or on her periods). But if its always like that, they are not into you. Do yourself a solid and get out if that happens?. . , Edit box
@@Android-ds9ie I am not saying try to marry someone that doesn't have the same libido as you or even that love languages are the be all end all of a relationship. I'm just saying simply get to know your spouse and how they convey love. Perhaps not in the specific way that love languages dictates, but get to know them nonetheless. Know if- for them- a smile really shows they are happy or not. See what they believe in when it comes to love, faith, and marriage. See whether not the lack of touch means dissatisfaction or just a lack of mood. Stuff like that. In the way of libido though; sex drive can change based on climate or even ones emotional state before being touched. Like say if your spouses parent dies. You wouldn't try to pressure them for sex if they are trying to grieve would you? Would you take their lack of response to heart? Saying a persons momentary disinterest is based solely on their lack of attraction to you can be a little misleading.
Love is extremely simple. And it’s not just some chemical in your brain. It’s a very spiritual thing. If you truly love someone, you want to be with them as much as possible, and make them as happy as possible. It’s as simple as that. If this is not reciprocated, or the issue of love languages comes up, then your partner simply does not love you. And if they are staying with you then they are manipulating and abusing you. In fact, the only reason that they got with you in the first place was so that they could get something out of you. It was never about love for them. They are using your desire for love to gain from you. And they will purposely withhold love or intimacy, making it seem like you just aren’t trying hard enough to please them or make them love you in return (i.e. your not speaking the right “love language”) Having someone try and find your “love language” is manipulation and abuse, plain and simple. You do not love that person, you are just dragging them along in a sick game that they never wanted to play with you. You are gaining while they are suffering. It is the definition of a parasitic relationship. If anyone talks about love languages while you are in a relationship with them, gtfo of there. And I am dead serious. Because as I live and breath, I promise that you will never be able to please them, and they will suck your life and soul right out of you. Slowly and painfully.. . , Edit box
Gosh are any of us mature with this subject : ) I dropped what I was doing to listen. Na, sex is a gift from God no doubt . If the world believed marriage was necessary for sex then they would sure appreciate it more being Married!
this advice is ignoring the statement. the lack of abilty to receive pleasure from sex. instead he talks about how you should enjoy the desire of pleasing your spouse. John that wasnt mentioned as a problem for there relationship so why assume it is? so you can fix an issue you think you can easily explain? what is your response(even if you have no advice) to the PROBLEM of not reciveing arrousel or even climax from your spouse. we're talking physical tips not just emotional tips. becuz physical explaination is needed when talking about sexual performance. after all the idea is you can go to God for any issue in life and get answers guidence and solutions and he does this thru spiritual leaders that hear his messages to pass along. so this means pastor john is seen as the voice of God. there for pastor john should be able to answer this with detail and no shame. most importantly sexual pleasure is not only important but is needed for marriage. especially for the persons desiring to be pleased it isnt selfish of course to expect pleasure your built up to not only crave it but also recieve it.
I'm in that situation except its my husband that doesn't want to have sex and that's a big blow to me as a female because it is always the other way around. So I'm always asking myself what I did or what's wrong with me? But then again, my husband was having heart issues this year, hes on different medications for it and he lost his job this year. We actually both lost our jobs, so stress is indeed a downer. Totally understandable. But then I find out he was watching pornography. And he gets upset when I tell him that it hurts me when I try to get him to...come to me. And he just doesn't want to. Or he's tired or doesn't feel good... We've been together almost 5 years.. I pray every day for God to just not make me desire sexual intimacy like I have been. Because there are other ways of intimacy and I know he does love me because he shows it in other ways. All the time.
Porn addiction is extremely prevalent in Christian homes today. Destroying marriages and families. The Church is silent about it probably because there is so many in the congregation that struggles with this silent, hidden sin. It destroys wives, and men become disinterested in sex with their wife because Of porn induced ED in many incidents. It needs to be exposed and really a cause of focus for healing and deliverance ministry . Satan is quite smart in how diabolical this perversion is destroying intimacy and connection in the marriage covenant.
If sex is your focus for marriage you Will be disappointed! Marriage is more than sex, it’s a lifetime commitment to God and your spouse no matter what.
As someone who is a Christian but also a realist, so many Christian families from my experience, are not compatible in bed. Realistically unless you've tried before, you won't know. Sadly I feel some of the teachings about sex before marriage is simply hard to fathom as generally, again from my experience, women in god have somehow been taught that sex is not important to the point where they simply do not have any interest in it at all. In this case take a bible out of the equation, simply a low sex drive is this guys wife's problem. Not saying its her 'fault' biologically, but low sex drive is generally stemmed, in regards to the Christian faith, from a mentality that sex just isn't all that important and isn't for pleasure. I'm married and also do not agree that "women who have sex before marriage are destined to fail" - paraphrased from the other podcast Ep 827. I waited for my first girlfriend who i wanted to marry but quickly learnt that we were just not compatible after talking about sex. Just like you slowly find out about how relationships work and what dictates a good and bad relationship, sex is just as important. I find its slightly irresponsible to say "even without sexual desires she has other good desires to please you". Realistically THIS is really what most cheating stems from, lack of fulfillment. I'm sure its not her fault, and in the same way its not his fault, but as an adult, you cant really substitute sex with something else. Hope this guy finds something because, again real world talk, sex with a girl who's just not into it really sucks.
Dude this is why I don’t agree with no sex before marriage. You have a bunch of shitty, inexperienced lovers expected to be faithful like that sets up the relationship for failure 😂 people need to know that they actually like sharing the same bed with the person they are thinking about marrying. I believe in abstaining for a period of time in the beginning stages of dating but waiting allllll the way to marriage can be a mistake. This is like the worst-case scenario for any marriage that hasn’t lasted over a decade lol
I got married a few years ago. We are a young married couple. However, we didn't know that one of us had a lack of desire in sex, that sex is painful, and that it is impossible to reach orgasm. This causes months without sex, anger, frustration, wicked sexual thoughts and acts such as self-touching. Many times I said to myself and to God 'why did I marry her?' and we are both believers.
Please read the great sex rescue by Shelia Gregoire. You are far from alone. I hate that John immediately goes to the do but deprive verses. The very first question should be why she isn’t interested. In instances where sex is intimate, Mutual, and pleasurable, frequency taxes care of itself.
You may have to start thinking outside the box in order to hold on to your sanity. The routine Christian answers don't always work for situations like this.
@@BethWStamps Well I assume that you aren't a Biblical Christian then. It's interesting that you don't like the answer from the Bible, so you naturally you go seek somewhere else to find the answer you do like. Feminist by chance?
*We enjoy sex..are we doing something wrong? lol.* To be fair, my husband is very helpful & gentle w/ me and our kids while being still being the head of household. I feel loved, respected & appreciated so it's easy to reciprocate 💑 *Disclaimer: Our Struggles incl:* Early porn addiction & alcohol, but he sorted that in a few months.
I heard alot in the little you wrote there....being a married man myself your answer really confirmed alot to me...I know for a fact my wife desires me more when she sees how I treat my stepson & she really respects that I am the man of the house leading in the word of God & she knows shes spoiled but not excessively, she knows that no means no lol....since I've been married getting sex has been such an adventure that I feel like a kid going for candy & I know my wife loves it herself..i couldve never imagined being 7 years into a relationship and so into the same woman....my struggles were one night stands,orgies, porn.....God is a deliverer.
Reminds me of The Simpsons episode where a nun sings: "If you're happy and you know it that's a sin. If you're happy and you know it that's a sin. etc" It's a shitty religion if it makes you ashamed of enjoying yourself.
@@2ndPigeon Once saved always saved is a lie from the devil. Jesus says those who endure till the end will be saved. Anyone who walks away from the faith will have it worse in hell due to leaving grace and paradise to be in hell, being tortured like a toy by demons until you're both tossed into the lake of fire. Baptism doesn't save you. Repenting from your sins and trusting in Jesus is what saves you from condemnation.
Husband needs to learn how to love her. Any unfaithfulness hurts her desire for her husband. If he is not loving her but treating her badly then how can he expect it. It’s supposed to be done in love. If you disrespect and devalue her then don’t expect intimacy.
The takeaway is that it is good for a man not to touch a woman at all and save a lot of grief and misery as per 1 Cor. 7:1. And married or not, pornography is never the answer to anything.
People have different levels of libido. They get older and hormones change, women lose desire because of children, men are less attracted because she got older, etc. One problem that adds up to the confusion is that people (especially women) have high expectations of romance, etc. Sometimes sex is just sex. Get over it. That's why it is important to marry someone to whom one is very attracted to in the first place. It's only going to get more complicated as time goes by.
And some couples find themselves deeper in love and more attracted as time goes by. It's an issue of willingness to grow and mature I think. Also possibly physical care of your body and health. And different for every one.
Sir. I would start by asking, are your love languages connected? sometimes it takes a visit with a sex therapist, sometimes you may need to wait a season, If you're disgusted that your wife is not enjoying a sexual encounter with you, THAT IS GOOD, That is a sign that you at least have empathy for her and her sexual health, the other concern is finding out WHY you're not connecting sexually, and that might involve a good quality, licensed sex therapist.
I met a woman in church and ultimately married her. On our honeymoon she confessed that she had been an escort and did not like sex. During our entire 14 year marriage she refused oral sex; our union was a nightmare. I heard a few years ago the she had stolen her sister's inheritance, had an affair with her best friend's husband (the pastor of her church). And she had a ton of plastic surgery at 64 y.o. Please get premarital counseling and get to know your mate well before marriage.
you came to this world alone similarly you die alone if you get the gift of celibacy stay single that is the right thing to do push yourself towards God do social activities if you want you can support orphanage and trust me you can have fulfilling life without marriage
@Haprilona; Remaining single is an acceptable state according to Paul and is as much a gift as marriage. See 1 Cor 7:7. It means you have more undivided time and attention to devote to God. Embrace your single hood. You don't have to be married in order to love God.
I mean he didn't really help just told the husband not to blame the wife. this is really one of those really hard questions within the church that no one wants to talk about. the husband should ask the wife what does she like in sex does she have orgasms.
This woman is obviously not attracted to her husband. He should focus on becoming his best self physically, spiritually and emotionally then the other will come frequently. I feel bad for the guy but he may have brought this on himself.
Why would someone who’s not interested in sexuality even get married..?? That feels really quite dishonest in my view. Imbalances like this breed abuse.
I don't think its necessarily wrong to do so. Like pastor John said: you don't necessarily have to enjoy sex to enjoy what you are doing with your partner, and how you make them feel. It's a give and take in such an occasion, not dominance or submission necessarily, but a total unity. Though he gives, and she receives in one way, the relations are supposed to be a mutual giving and receiving in love, not just animal desire.
God has not created us sexless. He created us with sexual desires and a longing to fulfill those in a godly healthy way in a loving marriage that honors God. Sex is not that evil abominable thing that must be scorned and frowned upon. Just like money, it’s the abuse of sex or rather its use outside the permissible boundaries of marriage that tarnishes its sanctity and goodness. Asexuality is abnormal and contrary to God’s plan for the propagation of mankind through enjoyable conjugal martial relationship. Often the problem is inadequate or lack of communication in a relationship; and that inevitably results in apathy, scorn, or disgust to build up over time. If left unaddressed, it often leads to depression, self-loathing, and isolation on the one end or to slipping into other sinful behaviors such as eating disorders, adultery, lust, or pornography on the other end. I also think that physical looks do matter, in addition to a godly character; when it comes to looks, I’m not talking about celebrity looks but rather a man or a woman who takes care of their looks and hygiene to an appropriate degree; and that is essential to sexual appeal. Frankly, there’s really no substitute to timely and open communication between the man and the woman to ensure they don’t fall into sinful behavior.
Android 10.0 masturbation is pure evil and a deception from the devil. But thank God who is able to deliver. Run 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️ from it, resist it, and the Lord will help you.
This doesn’t solve anything. If two are equally unselfish and one wants sex but the other doesn’t then the want will equally flip back and forth for infinity.. do they have sex or not? Two opposing wants can’t happen at the same time. One will be getting what they want and the other won’t be getting what they want.
Take joy in the grace of God, but what about communicating with her about why she doesn't like sex with her husband? It's hard to give helpful advice about a marital sexual problem without knowing why there is a martial sexual problem. Does she know how to communicate her sexual interests? Does he? Is sex physically or emotionally painful for her? I don't understand how you can go on for 11 minutes giving advice without, well, giving advice. There is a reason why she doesn't like sex with her husband. I get that this is a Christian based video but really, I don't see how quoting the bible but not addressing why she doesn't enjoy sex is helpful to her or to him.
It is simple she is not attracted to him even though they are married she trying to do the right thing by staying married ! She may love him but is not in love with him .
Do not forget the physical problem of certain woman not able to climax,caused by an almost non existing clitoris, unable to feel the physical pleasure. After years of merely trying to please your mate this is not only frustrating but miserable. I find it at best damaging for pastors to merely teach biblical principles without knowledge of the human body, causing immense damage for centuries. Never mind that doctors were ignorant of the function of the female body, treated like inferior men.
I'm that spouse that doesn't enjoy sex. 8 years in marriage. I think he is selfish. Finishes in 2 minutes. I just like to focus on my kids. They give me the joy I will never get out of this marriage. But I pray for a 2nd chance at love... I think God will have me experience true love from a man in this life b4 I join him in Heaven!
What if one had an indirect traumatic experience with sex and wants to get married? The person who experienced the trauma doesn't want sex and wants to maintain an intimate relationship with God and his or her spouse, but wants to remain a virgin. Should this person stay single?
This is a complicated question, but the first advice I would offer is this: do not underestimate or resist God's ability to heal these wounds of trauma. God's love and grace and healing are so great and so powerful that he absolutely can work in this traumatized person's life and heal their wounds and help them to enjoy and participate in sex without fear. This person shouldn't dismiss sex as something they will never want, even if that is their current reality. (And that's okay.) If they are in a relationship, they should be open and honest about their trauma and worries with the man or woman that they are in a serious relationship with, and depend on wisdom and discernment from the Spirit to guide them on when the time is right to have those conversations with a potential spouse. And they should allow God to work in their heart and mind and body for healing. That might involve turning to psychological professionals to support them in working through their trauma. And it may take a lot of time, and that's okay too. But while they are determined not to have sex, they should not pursue marriage, because that would mean they were determined to deprive their spouse permanently of what Scripture says we should not deprive them of. Depending on an individual's circumstances that may mean not dating until the sexual trauma is healed, or if they are already in a relationship, not marrying their partner until the sexual trauma is healed. "Healed" is also a complicated term. Trauma can be healed enough that a person is ready to have sex with a loving, gentle spouse, despite still being a struggle in a persons life at times. This is a complicated subject and this answer will not be sufficient for or apply to every single person who has experienced sexual trauma, but I hope it helps as a jumping-off point. Sexual trauma is an awful thing to endure and I hope that whoever you are referring to has gentle, loving support around them to help them. My heart aches for anyone who has had this happen to them.
@@Ontherock402 It is indeed very complicating. The person I'm referring to and their loved one are continually seeking God and are both open and understanding with the given circumstance. They're not concerned about not having sex at all. Personally, from the comment you've written, it doesn't make sense as to why they can't get married if both agree to having a (hopefully temporary) sexless marriage. Sex is just one part of marriage and it's quite alright without it. They're intimate in every way but seems like one can't get past that hill due to trauma. It also seems like they're working on themselves with God and are okay without it. (I guess more time is needed, in God's time) Their emotional needs are met and they're devoted to building a stronger relationship God. It's sad to think that one can't get married just because he or she is afraid of having sex as if that's everything of what a marriage is made up of.
@@윤민경-n8i That is a very unique situation, thank you for explaining. It's wonderful that they are seeking God and are open to His work in their lives. My concern for them is this: The non-traumatized partner may be okay with not having sex for now, but what if in the future they can no longer bear it and are "burning with passion" as the Scripture says? If the other person is not yet healed and not willing to have sex, then they may open the door for frustration and resentment. It may open the door for the temptation of sexual sin, against which marital sex is a powerful weapon, and this frustration and disagreement would ultimately harm both of them. It is true that sex is just one part of marriage, but it is SUCH an important part of marriage, and it shouldn't be overlooked. Since God's design is perfect, he didn't design marriage to involve this beautiful, pleasurable, unifying act that represents Christ and His Church, for a married couple to say "lovely, but no thank you, not for us." A married couple is not "intimate in every way" if they are not sexually intimate. Sex shouldn't be tossed aside as unimportant. (Obviously right now, they're not supposed to be sexually intimate, but if they marry, that would be a proper intimacy for a married couple.) Perhaps, if these two people are so content without any sexual relations at all, they have the gift of singleness and shouldn't be married? I do not know them, I am only wondering. Are the two people members of a church? Do they have a wise pastor who can help guide them through this? I cannot stress this enough, I am far from the ultimate expert or the ultimate authority in this matter. And I agree, it is sad to think that they shouldn't get married (or at least not right now). But I do know this: sometimes God gives us very, very hard answers to our desires. And this means answering God with obedience even when it's hard, and asking him to help us obey his will because it is always ultimately for our good. Proverbs 3:5-6, 1 Peter 5:6-7, Romans 8:28. Maybe I'm wrong in this matter, but I stand by what I said. I do hope that no matter what, this couple listens to God, and studies what Scripture has to say about sex and marriage, and relies on the wisdom of good spiritual leaders to make a wise decision in this matter. It is encouraging to know that they seek the Lord diligently already and that they are loving with one another. I hope that God blesses them with understanding, courage, and serenity. Like you said, maybe all that is needed is more time, and if they wait, in God's time, the trauma will heal and they will marry.
There is always a reason Fisical or emocional. Everyone craves intimacy. You won't find mutual pleasure if you don't know the reason. Ask her why and start from there. Work with a christian sex therapist or counselor or psicologist. Hope you can work through it.
I would like to hear both sides of the story in 1 youtube video the couple had children and after the last one the sex just stopped for 12 years till they divorced the man never gave her side of the story
The problem is that sex has become such a lustful thing this day and age. IT REALLY makes me wonder how many married godly couples lust after each other in the flesh instead of the way God commends married godly couples to do. Or Sadly even lust after other people outside of the marriage. I This was very sadly something I saw in most of the marriages I would observe when I had more contact with married couples, some godly and some not. That is also a HUGE factor in a man or woman's lack of desire for one another. God tells us NOT lust of the flesh and as I stated already, I REALLY wonder how often that happens. Not wanting each other for the right reasons
If I can be totally honest, this potential reality terrifies me. I am currently dating a godly woman and intend to propose this year. We are both waiting for marriage and I know that she loves me but there is definitely an underlying fear building that I’m going to be turned aside by her or unwanted sexually. Or even if wanted, not enjoyed the same way. This has caused me much heartache over something I don’t even know the reality of yet.😅 Does anyone have some input on this?
Yes my now husband of twenty three years waited until marriage. I'm very thankful God gave both of us the strength to wait. There's a saying women are like an oven and men are like a microwave. Be patient with her and have understanding from her wants and needs outside of the bedroom as well. It can be difficult but it's worth waiting. It only brought us closer to each other emotionally and physically. Hope this helps.
The concept of marital intimacy is more a problm with the west. In asians,the moment wer married we loose ourselves in it. The children become 1st place in everything we do. Yet, strangely we hav minimal divorces. Marriage is the biggest destroyer of desire, wants,etc. Becoz you cannot Want wat you already have.(ul not say you want pizza wen ur eating it) .In a marriage commitment becomes central. Marrige is a nurturing place. At least this is wat asians thinks of it. Tats why, divorces are rare. "Men are from mars,women from venus"-centralize only on one theme, sexual atrraction increases wen we dnt have it. The joy in the chase not the prize. Somerset worte, "the biggest tragedy of love is not death, nor separation, but indifference. "the strongest love is alwayz unrequited love. Becoz we cannot desire wat we already have. And marriage does tat exactly. Tats why a marriage has to be sumthing else other than sex.malaci 2:15-"the purpose of marrige is to produce godly offsprings".
Women are not from mars you imbecile!women are from God, made by the hands of God, taken from Adams rib....women are flesh of our flesh & blood of our blood....be careful where you get all that info from because it isnt of God.....america is very loose & rebellious & that's why we have so much divorce but if you arent having good, pleasurable sex with your wife & have completely given up and saying that sex is just to make babies then I suggest you stay clear away from the songs of Solomon buddy....if you're not enjoying sex with your wife then dont try to convince others that its normal, especially in that wannabe internet psychologist, college professor tone....I'll think ankutbalowing down sex when I'm about 80 years old, till then you just keep convincing yourself that life isnt pleasurable
There is no marriage (sexual intercourse) between other people in heaven. Marriage between a man and woman is a symbol of the marriage of Jesus to the church which is far better. There is no childbearing in heaven because God will give the childless a name and place better than sons and daughters. Heaven may not be a paradise of sexual intercourse, childbearing, and the sea (the sea will be no more), but God will make heaven far better than these. Luke 20:34-36 34 And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage: 35 But they which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage: 36 Neither can they die any more: for they are equal unto the angels; and are the children of God, being the children of the resurrection. Isaiah 56:4-5 4 For thus saith the Lord unto the eunuchs that keep my sabbaths, and choose the things that please me, and take hold of my covenant; 5 Even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give them an everlasting name, that shall not be cut off. Ephesians 5:31-33 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Revelation 21:1 1 And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea. 1 Corinthians 2:9 9 But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.
Their problem is Seek first the kingdom of heaven and righteousness Rest every thing will follow The person asking question is filled with evil sprit, which is asking question inside him. Holy sprit would have told him that every thing is perfect, so praise the lord, amen
So what do you do when she flatly refuses to have sex period? I have a high level sex drive and it is physically uncomfortable and need to have a release... The problem is that I know that "other methods" are wrong in His eyes and I'm frustrated... I want to honor God in all I do.. In every other way, our marriage is good... We have been married for almost 18 years now
@@chuckroelofsphotography Maybe have a good talk about it and find alternatives. If you think god doesn't want you to do those alternatives then he should tell you right? Would be kinda lame if he didn't.
Thank you! I was married to a woman who was incredibly spiteful in this regard. We were celibate for years, and ultimately she left the faith, then me.
For some people, romantic attraction and sexual attraction are not the same. Also, some people just have a low sex drive generally, regardless of how attracted to someone they are.
When the love is gone it turns into a saladda biscuit and there’s nothing you can do about it .most of the men I know that’s been divorced including myself it’s the first sign of the beginning of the end.who s heard the joke about the boy who goes to the chemist with he’s dad and finds the condoms and says to he’s dad what are these for he’s dad said they’re used for safe sex ,son says why are there only 3 in this box he’s dad says they’re for high school kids 1for Friday. 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday then the son says then what’s this box of 6 for .dad says they’re for university students 2for Friday,2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday then the son says then who are these boxes of 12 for he’s dad says with a tear in he’s eyes they’re for married people 1 for January 1 for February and so on.
Well, the Bible specifically says if a woman wants sex with her husband its his OBLIGATION to please her, regardless whether he "feels like it" or not. His body is not his own, it belongs to his wife. And vise versa. Theres supposed to be a mutual harmony there that people need to work out with each other. If the husband loves his wife he likely won't force anything on her that she doesn't also want.
john, you claim that sex is a mutual give and take, yet to look at you, one would find it difficult to imagine that you could satisfy a woman. how does a charlatan soft boy like you, pull it off?
When I see two Godly people married I think it's beautiful
It is. And I really like to see old couples holding hands when they walk in the park. But it irritates me to no end to see a husband walking ahead of his wife.
I’ve seen some atheists have healthier and happier marriages than some Christian couples.... just because two people are “Christian” doesn’t mean it’s a happy ending.
@@davida6146 very true. It's really the baggage that people bring into a marriage and how they deal with it that determines if a marriage is successful or not. But having a close relationship with God allows a person to improve his/her ability to grow and change
@@bruceg.6282 Brilliant way of explaining that.
@@davida6146 But God keeps the marriage of Christian husband and wife together. i've seen many athesits divorce. recently bill gates and his wife are divorcing. so being an atheist doesn't mean they'll live happily ever after. i've seen christians stay together longer and happier because of God, look at Chris and Lauren tomlin, Don moen and his wife, Cody and Kari Carnes, and Paul and R.L washer and many more of them are together happily because of Jesus. without God things fall apart. atheists may stay together for a long time but they won't have Heaven when they die. Christian couples will always have Jesus for eternity.
So many Married people do not have or don’t like sex and the single people are dying from lust and sexual urges...go figure...
Perfect say
Lol.. so true....
Correct say
"Christian" religious indoctrination too often involves kicking the church in the groin in the name of "purity."
That's lame. Sex should be awesome all the time. I have many married friends that brag to me all the time about it. And It's been decades. And they aren't even believers. Imagine how much so for 2 believers 😍
What a beautiful passionate loving description and counsel toward unselfish love in marriage!
Thank you Pastor John! 🙏🏼
Wow!! I really love how Pastor John explains scripture, breaks it down, and relates it to everyday life!!!! Great counsel!!!! G-D bless you, Pastor John!
lol he didn't even adress the question properly
@@xxxmmm3812 yes he did, why do we have ears? Its not only for fassion.
Dr. Piper, God has given you much wisdom. I so enjoy these little talks because they just make me want to live a more holy life. Thank you so much.
Very matured and spiritual answer. God bless him.
Horrible and useess reply. 1) There is no mystery as to “how do you decide who is ‘in charge’ of deciding the frequency of sex?” Paul in I Cor 7:1-9 could not be more explicit: it is whichever spouse has the highest libido at that point in time. How do I know? Because both parties are told not to deprive the other. DUH! Just read. You cannot deprive your partner by HAVING sex.
2) If your wife (or husband) is not enjoying sex, the most likely reason is that you are not doing it right. Not surprising, and not really your fault. You were given 12 years or more of formal instruction in writing a proper English sentence and exactly no formal training in producing a female orgasm. It ain’t rocket science but it’s not intuitive and it takes practice and knowledge you were denied by ignorant pastors who don’t follow their own advice. I am going to recommend a book called the ACT of Marriage by Tim and Beverly La Haye for Christians that might help. If you can get her off regularly, she will enjoy sex more as God intended and be less reluctant to do so regularly and you will feel better about it.
3) The only thing Piper is right about is that if you are more reluctant one, it is your duty to get into the spirit of the act - even if you do have to fake it. There is nothing less sexually satisfying than having to make love to an emotional corpse.
4) To the low libido spouse - do yourself a favor and make love to your spouse as often as you can. They have no other legitimate outlet for their God-given urges. You are it. If you want them to be faithful, quit checking their phone and computer and drain their libido as often as you can. If you say you love them, then don’t force
I pray to the Lord Jesus that I never have this problem with my wife.
Same lol I want my wife to be thrilled each time. But I’m only 21 and single so I have ways to go lol
@@RAY-THE-WAY I mean, hey. 21 years old is old enough, as long as you've got the finances and spiritual maturity to lead a woman!
@@justinbirkelo6806 What about a 9 inch pecker?
One of the most common problems. Most christians who date dont really discuss sex..so many people marry only to find out that their partner doesnt like sex..or worse..is a DUD in bed..thats why you cant marry for the purpose of wanting to have sex alone..and if we were to be honest the inly real benefited that a man has to be married is sex and children...so of your wife doesnt like sex...then.....it would have better to be single
There is a mountain more to marriage for a man than that. He grows in humility and service, he feels what Christ felt for the church, while trying to imitate him, he has a helper and a partner for when it’s too much for him alone, he has a second opinion on things...
I thought I was called to celibacy for the past few years. I wanted to serve God alone and didn’t see much benefit in marriage. Then God placed this girl in my life and I knew she was a gift to me. I thought a lot about what marriage really is, until I came to the conclusion that I should marry to serve God better
What a wealth of knowledge pastor John. Thank you for expounding on this problem according to scripture
Trust me .. I can relate more than any other video.. please pray for me
It is a relationship problem not a sexual problem. I as a woman would much rather talk. To me talking and connection is intimacy. This is a complex issue. If a person feels used and not loved than why would they want to submit to being used? Again, complex issue and men and women are so different. In my experience simple answers are quite painful. We need empathy and compassion.
You want your husband to be your girlfriends? That isn't his job.
This is part of the reason why I lean further and further away from marriage, among other things. The complexity and heaviness of this subject in marriage seems just too complex and heavy.
You're in the same boat as the Apostle Paul, so nothing wrong with that. As long as you're doing it to dedicate yourself to the Lord and not just out of fear, nothing wrong at all with staying single.
I don't see it as a sin to talk about sex before you get marriage. Both at length and in detail, as long as it isn't causing you temptation you can't overcome. I think many people think they can't talk about it, which prolongs wrong expectations.
In a way see marriage as saying "no" to every other woman, and even if your wife loses the ability, your life can still be whole without sex. If there's something you can't live without besides God, it is an idol, and you never truly enjoy idols anyway.
For me the hardest part of desiring to have sex with my wife comes from past trauma. I understand and relate more with the lack of desire as a man. Nevertheless, I understand that I must lead in showing affection and intimacy. It is difficult, but my love for my wife is greater than my insecurities/fears/traumas
💔 prayers 🙏🏾 I pray your feelings surrounding the matter gets better and just God heals you from your past traumas. God bless you.
I think that's my worst fear. is waiting until marriage. then come to find put that my wife does not desire sex.... What do you do I that situation.. ?
Just out of curiosity, would you say the same to a wife, whose husband wasn't interested in sex?
Josh S marry a women who goes to the gym who is fit. You’ll never have a problem
Josh S husband needs to be a man. Exercise and take care of himself meaning hit the gym and weight lifting
Talk about sex before hand. Don't wait until marriage to find out each other's desires.
I talked about it...7 years in the wife changes. GG. No porn, no adultery...they are not options for the genuinely born again. My wife is absolutely beautiful which tortures me even more! Looks like i am to be tortured with desire.
Stuff this.
Guys, these podcasts are amazing!!! Such a delight to share in your wisdom and insight.
I've always wondered why women who aren't absolutely (physically and emotionally) thrilled about having marital relations at every opportunity keep getting married. Status and emotional pressure, I suppose?
To prevent these situations, the church ought to value singleness as highly as God does, so that a low-libido woman doesn't feel like she's missing out relationally in foregoing marriage. And then the males with sex drives will have to marry us overlooked sisters in church who are burning (though we may be more plain than the cute+popular, non-sex-loving girls). :)
I feel ya, bro. I serve in women's ministry, so I know all about those refusing husbands (ugh). I hope, going forward, we the church can be more upfront about how integral sex is to marriage. I mean, Paul does indeed say in 1 Cor 7: need sex? definitely get married. don't need sex? definitely don't get married. It seems like all the Christian "general marriage" books I've read just have a slim, euphemistic chapter on sex toward the end, but I think it should be one of the main things we talk about when we help young ones decide whether or not they should pursue marriage. I really, really wish we had a standard, non-creepy way to ask prospects in the getting-to-know-you stage, "Are you super eager for and committed to having regular married sex (not considering extraordinary, unforseeable events)?" Maybe something like: "So, 1 Corinthians 7:4-5, what do you think? A. Terrible! B. Yes, fiiiiine (willing to do so I can be validated by a relationship and post nice instagram photos of our wedding), or C. Amen and alleluia! :D This requires serious obedience!!" If you answered C, congratulations, you possess the first step toward marriageability. Hahaha.
There's not way to adequately vet potential mates under this standard unless we allow premarital sex. I'm not advocating one way or another, but many virgins are awakened, sexually, after marriage. Same for non-virgins who abstained for a period before marriage or before they met their spouse. Those people would be tricked into loneliness if we encouraged them not to marry because they weren't super excited to have sex whilst single / dating / engaged.
marriages have ups and downs. there are seasons for each spouse over a lifetime.
Caylonna Gahan this is a Hollywood type of dream...to find prince charm and have all your dreams come true. The real stuff is much better as it not only leads to a more mature love but also makes one incredibly closer to God.
Hi, Cay! :) My comment was not meant to insult anyone, so I'm sorry if it did. I'm just trying to see things Biblically, not according to our culture (which shallowly demands marriage for emotional validation). Paul does advocate for marriage /when/ legitimate sex is needed for a person to live in a moral way that is pleasing to God; however, if a Christian doesn't strongly desire sex, singleness is better (1 Cor. 7). If one is happy without regular intercourse, it's scripturally ideal to remain a virgin and find safety and transparency and lifelong companionship in the body of Christ . :)
"That is so shallow and maybe that’s why God has not trusted you with a husband." Hm, Cay, I find that comment concerning. Do you think that might sound rather like the prosperity gospel?
You, sir, are an amzing gift for all Christians out there! Never dissapointed when listening to these videos (and i have listened to a lot)!
This makes me feel awful of my past and how I acted in the relationship that I cherished most on earth.
Sometimes it's not just because a wife doesn't enjoy sex, for some women it's actually uncomfortable or painful. Then it isn't just an act of grace, but a sacrifice.
@@charlesroberts3304 One must try every avenue to reveal a possible answer to a problem, but sometimes the mix of issues is very difficult to fix. Women simply don't get as excited for sex as often as men do.
@@TGP109then they can stay single
@@TGP109 There are a lot of things men do for their wives we aren’t excited about either. Stop making excuses.
The pastor rightly addressed several of the reasons for a dysfunctional sexual relationship save for two: physical appeal and a cold demeanor. Just as men don’t drool over frumpy women or women with irritating character flaws, so is the case with women when it comes to men. I do not mean to be insulting to the question poser, but I do encourage him to ask his wife over a nice dinner what he can do to improve to make her happy - whether in looks, energy, performance. Being godly doesn’t necessarily translate to fireworks in bed, but it helps the couple be more open, communicative, loving, and understanding of each other’s needs and how to satisfy one another by making changes where needed as long as they’re in keeping with the word of God.
Nonsense she is not attracted to him that's it may be secretly lesbian
Nonsense, men can be bad at sex.
It's the man that always has to do something right. Do people think women are some kind of angels?
That’s a good point.
Once each other started feeling not peaceful inside the marriage.. Sexual intimacy affected. I've been there.
Hey! We have to lay down our life for one another...it doesn’t always feel nice. It’s okay
To enjoy sex you need a good relationship. Women love talk about, it's important to them talk, have touched, lovely words before the sex.
Nonsense I don't do any of those shit those women or not attracted to their husbands or secretly lesbians
I love John Piper, he is a very wise man, FULL of God's Wisdom (God Himself) as usual, he answers this so perfectly and correctly.
I also love how he always uses the term, "Outdo one another" in terms of Love of course, and YES, That's Exactly how it is to LOVE as God commands, as He Himself has Loved us and Still does Forever.
His saying also reminds me of another saying I Love so much that perfectly describes God's Love, "LOVE means you BEFORE me".
The problem is no one abstains anymore. Everyone comes with past lovers baggages. So when you are with her she is busy thinking "Dave did it better". But if Dave never existed she would only know you and only you. And yes ladies this works both ways.
100% 10/10 correct
And for those few that do abstain, there's usually been some period of porn exposure. Very rare to have someone who has avoided sex and porn
@@jonathanasdell9310 i avoid both and I'm pretty sure I'm asexual at this point
But the question was that she didn’t enjoy it...
She doesn’t refuse, she is doing what the Bible says!........but not enjoying i
There was no specific answer for that specific question They need private counseling and much humility
He did address it. He says its about growing in emotional maturity and learning to enjoy what pleases your spouse!! Taking joy that he only wants to be with his wife.
There's so much to unpack in the response.
I wish we could have had a female response though, it may have been wise to consult a spiritually mature female to respond to the wife and give advice to the husband because the female perspective (which is in question) is missing element in the equation.
Also I wished the societal influences should have been addressed. With the church and society's disdain for females exploring their sexuality, I have heard females complain that it is difficult to change their mindset that sex is wrong even after marriage.
I wish there was more emphasis placed on figuring out what the issue is instead of "Woman, pretend you like it" otherwise you are immature. Sometimes it feels like the church encourages lying to keep the peace. The truth will always come to light and its even more painful when you fight it. Everyone gets tired of pretending after a while especially if the core issue is not addressed.
When I read the bible, as a woman, for much of it I see women being treated as objects, sex toys and a lot of the times their wishes and will arent taken into consideration. Sex is already so male-focused, so many women are already pretending. The response felt compassionate for the man, but scathing for a woman who is already trying to meet him half-way. I wish the response to the female was more understanding given this context.
I think what would have really been helpful is suggesting ideas for him to connect and understand his wife more. He needs to ask her what she likes, if she doesnt know he needs to be committed to figuring it out (which may take years - make it a personal project), it will include trying to be attractive for her( dress better, go to the gym... etc), be patient with her. He needs to ask her about any previous unpleasant sexual encounters she has had.(was she molested?). Perhaps go to a counsellor or therapist, get a checkout at a doctor.
Sis your view is secular and is not Biblical or Holy Spirit led. Ask the Lord to show you how to interpret scripture and how he sees us as women. Don’t let the ever popular lies being spun by our current culture as “truth” fool you into Manipulating and misreading the infallible Word of God.
@@tiphanyjolly9080 I don't agree. I think my response is pretty compassionate and I know that God loves women. "Men love your wives the way Christ loved the church". Christ died for the church. " Greater love has no man than this that a man lays down his life for a friend." But can't ignore Absolom and his sister, David and Bathsheba, Lot offering up his daughters to the men .. etc but that's man's doing not God's.
@@tiphanyjolly9080 God is loving, patient, kind, faithful he has all the fruits of the spirit in infinite quantities and he's also truth, justice and wisdom. He knows the plight of females today and he cares. He loves all of his daughters and what an honor it is to be a daughter of the king. He is worthy to be praised.
Great advice from God's Word.
Have been married for 2 months and already feel devastated and unloved as I face the exact same issue. She wouldn't even let me touch her and I just feel pathetic about myself for those one or two instances when she let me do it against her will. Why did I even do that? 💔
Wow! I’m so sorry to hear that! Please read my response to Matt’s post.
That ain't healthy or normal. The early days should be some of the best times in your marriage.
please pray for my husband Curtis, we are newly Weds, he goes weeks without wanting to be intimate with me. I dt understand seeing a Christian counselor next week
in my opinion it is much harder when the wife has the higher sex drive. women can still accommodate men even if they don't like having sex with them, but men can't "fake" it.
Is he struggling with Porn addiction? Not wanting sex or connection with their wives, is a huge indication of Porn addiction sin. I pray Holy Spirit discernment reveals the truth with whatever is oppressing your husband. Don’t be afraid to seek answers ~Truth sets us free!🔥🙌🏻
@@karinteeples9715 yes, he does but he’s in denial , I’m praying for his freedom but it’s hard to be married to him lusting after other women .
I wish men would educate themselves on how difficult sex is for women after menopause. Desire dwindles or disappears because of a loss of hormones. This can also make sex painful. Hormone replacement increases the risk of breast cancer, so a prescription isn't the answer. Sex can feel like just another chore. That's the reality.
That is total nonsense if anything this year will increase as you age
Stop making excuses. You have a mouth and hands, there is nothing painful about using those to satisfy your husband.
Sex in my marriage has been the biggest struggle in my life. My pre-married self struggling with abstinence would not believe me. But it has caused anger, bitterness, jealousy, regret, porn use, and depression. I hope one day I figure it out and I stop feeling like I married the wrong person
You will only see in others what you see in yourself. You are a child of God. ❤
The Bible is the inspired word of God, but context matters. We love to take scriptures out of context and elevate them to laws. Has anyone ever considered who and what challenges Paul was addressing in the text? It’s my understanding there was sexual immorality in the church. Matt, is your wife sexually attracted to you? Does she trust you and feel secure in the relationship? Do you love each other unconditionally? My husband and I have gone back and forth on this for more than 20 years and I had to confess that though we seemed to fit on paper, the love we’re expressing for each other is conditional. Read SoS. The bride says, where is he whom my soul loves? Soulful love is unconditional (lacks reasoning). Rather than arguing and bitterness, self-reflect and be willing to have difficult conversations.
Divorce her now, and don't look back. And for your struggle with abstinence (pre-marriage), your parents failed you when you were growing up. Sex should be viewed as a healthy and very normal part of life, but should be reserved for a special person that you love. Unfortunately, modern society has failed everyone and has killed marriage in general. I would say not to get married anymore. Just find a girlfriend (that you love) to have sex with. But do not forget the most important part of life as a Christian. We MUST have a personal, open, private, and trusting relationship with the Lord, our God. Pray unceasingly, talk with Him, and keep your eyes focused on Him.
@@starwalk3r Divorce is a sin and having sex out of marriage is a sin. I like how you understand that our relationship with God is the top priority!
What about the man not desiring??
Suck it up
@paisleyyama what kind of a lowlife demands such precious thing from someone who doesn't want it? aren't you disgusted to even say this? if a person doesnt want it ever let it go, if you can go and put it in and out knowing the wife doesnt enjoy it I have no words for you
I'd say theres something that's very wrong with that situation...
Because hes out there.
He may be secretly gay or bi or just nonsexual.
Me and my wife never have sex anymore, we are getting older and those youthful feelings are not there anymore but we stick together and rake care of one another and sleep in the same bed. We will be together until God takes us home.
I would rather not have sex desires because this way I will not have trouble with the the eye gate seeing other women.
How old are you?
I think without some big communication he will start to really resent her
how is a woman meant to communicate to her arrogant husband that he is completely useless in bed?
@@nnoo Silly woman, of course he is useless in bed! If he is an honest Christian man who tried his best to avoid lust and porn , he got exactly no training in producing a female orgasm and has never had a vagina to practice on. You know how they work. For your own sake Tell HIM! don't be an arrogant idiot spoiling your own enjoyment waiting for him to do what he is capable of learning but had no opportunity. There isn't a decent man that will not spend hours and days learning to please you in bed if you aren't too stubborn to show him how. You are his only legitimate outlet for sex and he is yours. Get it done today. Start having lots of orgasms. God says HI and what are you waiting for? P>S> If you call him arrogant and tell him he is completely useless in bed rather than that you discovered a fun new game about sex, the lessons won't go well.
@@johnbreitmeier3268 I'm not a woman but even if I was I would not be happy with those excuses. You will never be a lover, you will never be saved by love until you take full responsibility for your own development. Without an attitude adjustment you will only bring further misery to the Mother. Get good, study some taoist or tantric techniques. It is every individuals responsibility to master their own body, your lazy thinking will get you nowhere!
@@nnoo My apologies, but my advice still stands. It is a very poor lover indeed man or woman that is so arrogant and lazy like you are that that they make fun of their partner rather tactfully educate them and see to their further development in love. You cannot even decide what religion to follow, you mentioned at least 3 and l doubt you follow any of them well. If you are trying to be "saved" in bed, you will be lost for all eternity. Until you understand that Love means preferring the good of the Loved you will never be a Lover at all and will be completely useless in life. Consider studying the Bible with the goal of getting to know Jesus. Have a blessed day.
@@johnbreitmeier3268 I have never made fun of a lover for any reason. You make a lot of assumptions without any basis for them. You think that the Bible teaches people to read from it only is that right? I consider that a terrible mistake. Friend I know you are on the defensive but honestly I mean you no harm, although I may be capable of tough love at most, this is the internet afterall, no time or purpose for stroking egos. The real benefit of our communication is that the next person that comes along can have the choice over what we say is good or bad for them. Unusually someone can take heed of another’s advice directly but that requires communion rather communication alone. Taoism is not a religion it is a philosophy derived from 64 arrangements of hexagrams. 78 if including trigrams bigrams and grams (might be another word for that lol), incidentally this is the quantity of cards in a traditional tarot deck. This philosophy is equally paralleled in Kabbalha. Although not well interpreted often. That is the pitfall of all religious/ spiritual/ philosophical teachings. To consummate your understanding of the book you must find these parallels in others. As the complete picture has never been fully revealed, definitely not within our lifetimes. Consider Islam, when Baghdad fell to the Mongols, their society the understanding the original/ complete wealth of knowledge was never fully recovered not by a long shot. Next to that consider the European affect on the original practicing of Christianity, it may fascinate you to learn as it does I that, the Ethiopian Bible is the oldest and most complete version ever found. If you watch the Book of Eli film you will understand the backstory of it somewhat. It has over a hundred books within it including all that we are familiar with. This is canonical Christianity. Try to imagine that we have never been in possession of the complete document, we are not playing with a full deck of cards as they say. It may be that many of them are marked too if you catch my drift. I intend to read them all someday, what should we be afraid of finding but that which shall shake our truth. There may be many different words for God but it is the same for everybody within their own unique lives, it is all things. Also Tantra is an understanding of a sacred practice, by cultivating inner peace and absolute respect for the holiness of another, the experience of pure love can be attained that is the elixir of life, you do not have to adopt a new religion to bring in any of its wisdom. That is the value of your personal insight that which allows you to discern what is right for you and what is wrong regardless of who is speaking beyond any affiliation or agendas. To take what is useful and discard the rest that is pragmatism. Tantra is a system of knowledge in the pursuit of ultimate truth; Pranayama is another component, that is yoga for breathing. Even the understanding of yoga is all the result of natural observations in movement, that is healthy movement or breathing techniques for any person. Such exercises should not be lost to any Christian, not one whose sincerest desire is to be closest (if not at one with) that which is called God. They should all be incorporated. Ultimately they must or Kingdom of Heaven does not return to us. If you do not understand that Jesus himself would have studied such techniques and philosophies then all may be lost. The same may be said of Buddha too of course. The song remains the same.
Great commentary, pastor John!
Every time I hear this topic, usually from a man, I always wonder if he is dealing with sexual immorality. Is this married man engaging in pornography or having sexual relations outside of his marriage? Maybe they could love their wives the way they are supposed to be loved if they aren't engaging in sexual immorality. I always wonder if this is the actual issue here, not "my spouse doesn't enjoy sex" or "my spouse won't have sex with me" by putting blame on the spouse.
That feels a little far-fetched...im more inclined to think the reticent spouse is living in sexual immorality, if anyone
@@jessicaborgogni9595 we can agree to disagree
@@landonhouse9338 sure, we could, and we might,, my point was I don’t understand how you got to your conclusion
I agree. Often he is getting wild sex somewhere else or it's a porn addiction and he expects his wife to be/perform like a porn star. He could be doing drugs and engaging in drug sex with others and expecting his wife to deliver the same type of sex. The wife is baffled by this.
@@cindyabramowicz4346 Those are a lot of assumptions.
You have to have a similar libido....these things are important to talk about even when your getting to know someone and dating.
If both people are celebate, how would they know?
Love languages,, figure out what yours and hers is,, its work but it works...
That is definitely a part of it.
@@jazzb3371 Love languages is bunch of horseshit.
Everyone loves gifts, everyone loves talks (as long as they are nice and with people you like) , and everyone likes spending time with people they like.
And here is the big news:
People like touching and being touched by people they like.
If your partner isnt touching you, orresponding to your touch, then they are not physically attracted to you anymore. Or not attracted in general.
It can happen occasionally if they are pissed off, or other issues (say, if a woman is pregnant or on her periods).
But if its always like that, they are not into you.
Do yourself a solid and get out if that happens?. . , Edit box
@@Android-ds9ie I am not saying try to marry someone that doesn't have the same libido as you or even that love languages are the be all end all of a relationship. I'm just saying simply get to know your spouse and how they convey love. Perhaps not in the specific way that love languages dictates, but get to know them nonetheless. Know if- for them- a smile really shows they are happy or not. See what they believe in when it comes to love, faith, and marriage. See whether not the lack of touch means dissatisfaction or just a lack of mood. Stuff like that.
In the way of libido though; sex drive can change based on climate or even ones emotional state before being touched. Like say if your spouses parent dies. You wouldn't try to pressure them for sex if they are trying to grieve would you? Would you take their lack of response to heart? Saying a persons momentary disinterest is based solely on their lack of attraction to you can be a little misleading.
Love is extremely simple. And it’s not just some chemical in your brain.
It’s a very spiritual thing.
If you truly love someone, you want to be with them as much as possible, and make them as happy as possible.
It’s as simple as that.
If this is not reciprocated, or the issue of love languages comes up, then your partner simply does not love you.
And if they are staying with you then they are manipulating and abusing you.
In fact, the only reason that they got with you in the first place was so that they could get something out of you.
It was never about love for them.
They are using your desire for love to gain from you.
And they will purposely withhold love or intimacy, making it seem like you just aren’t trying hard enough to please them or make them love you in return
(i.e. your not speaking the right “love language”)
Having someone try and find your “love language” is manipulation and abuse, plain and simple.
You do not love that person, you are just dragging them along in a sick game that they never wanted to play with you.
You are gaining while they are suffering. It is the definition of a parasitic relationship.
If anyone talks about love languages while you are in a relationship with them, gtfo of there. And I am dead serious.
Because as I live and breath, I promise that you will never be able to please them, and they will suck your life and soul right out of you. Slowly and painfully.. . , Edit box
And no man will want sex from his sick wife it's amazing how people talk about the exceptions rather than the rule yeah wife cannot be sick everyday
This is why I fear marriage.
You don't have to get married.
Gosh are any of us mature with this subject : ) I dropped what I was doing to listen. Na, sex is a gift from God no doubt . If the world believed marriage was necessary for sex then they would sure appreciate it more being Married!
What if your spouse doesnt care about Pauls advice?
😂, I don't know ma
You should have married a Christian.
this advice is ignoring the statement. the lack of abilty to receive pleasure from sex. instead he talks about how you should enjoy the desire of pleasing your spouse. John that wasnt mentioned as a problem for there relationship so why assume it is? so you can fix an issue you think you can easily explain? what is your response(even if you have no advice) to the PROBLEM of not reciveing arrousel or even climax from your spouse. we're talking physical tips not just emotional tips. becuz physical explaination is needed when talking about sexual performance. after all the idea is you can go to God for any issue in life and get answers guidence and solutions and he does this thru spiritual leaders that hear his messages to pass along. so this means pastor john is seen as the voice of God. there for pastor john should be able to answer this with detail and no shame. most importantly sexual pleasure is not only important but is needed for marriage. especially for the persons desiring to be pleased it isnt selfish of course to expect pleasure your built up to not only crave it but also recieve it.
I'm in that situation except its my husband that doesn't want to have sex and that's a big blow to me as a female because it is always the other way around. So I'm always asking myself what I did or what's wrong with me? But then again, my husband was having heart issues this year, hes on different medications for it and he lost his job this year. We actually both lost our jobs, so stress is indeed a downer. Totally understandable. But then I find out he was watching pornography. And he gets upset when I tell him that it hurts me when I try to get him to...come to me. And he just doesn't want to. Or he's tired or doesn't feel good... We've been together almost 5 years.. I pray every day for God to just not make me desire sexual intimacy like I have been. Because there are other ways of intimacy and I know he does love me because he shows it in other ways. All the time.
Porn addiction and/or he's gay, bi or on drugs.
I can relate.
Any status update? This comment was 2 years ago.
Porn addiction is extremely prevalent in Christian homes today. Destroying marriages and families. The Church is silent about it probably because there is so many in the congregation that struggles with this silent, hidden sin. It destroys wives, and men become disinterested in sex with their wife because Of porn induced ED in many incidents. It needs to be exposed and really a cause of focus for healing and deliverance ministry . Satan is quite smart in how diabolical this perversion is destroying intimacy and connection in the marriage covenant.
If sex is your focus for marriage you Will be disappointed! Marriage is more than sex, it’s a lifetime commitment to God and your spouse no matter what.
Absolutely.
Sex shouldn't be the "focus", but its a pretty big side attraction.
Then why can't a man Marry and other man if they will not have sex
As someone who is a Christian but also a realist, so many Christian families from my experience, are not compatible in bed. Realistically unless you've tried before, you won't know. Sadly I feel some of the teachings about sex before marriage is simply hard to fathom as generally, again from my experience, women in god have somehow been taught that sex is not important to the point where they simply do not have any interest in it at all. In this case take a bible out of the equation, simply a low sex drive is this guys wife's problem. Not saying its her 'fault' biologically, but low sex drive is generally stemmed, in regards to the Christian faith, from a mentality that sex just isn't all that important and isn't for pleasure.
I'm married and also do not agree that "women who have sex before marriage are destined to fail" - paraphrased from the other podcast Ep 827. I waited for my first girlfriend who i wanted to marry but quickly learnt that we were just not compatible after talking about sex. Just like you slowly find out about how relationships work and what dictates a good and bad relationship, sex is just as important. I find its slightly irresponsible to say "even without sexual desires she has other good desires to please you". Realistically THIS is really what most cheating stems from, lack of fulfillment. I'm sure its not her fault, and in the same way its not his fault, but as an adult, you cant really substitute sex with something else. Hope this guy finds something because, again real world talk, sex with a girl who's just not into it really sucks.
Dude this is why I don’t agree with no sex before marriage. You have a bunch of shitty, inexperienced lovers expected to be faithful like that sets up the relationship for failure 😂 people need to know that they actually like sharing the same bed with the person they are thinking about marrying. I believe in abstaining for a period of time in the beginning stages of dating but waiting allllll the way to marriage can be a mistake. This is like the worst-case scenario for any marriage that hasn’t lasted over a decade lol
Make Love, not sex. Sex is mechanical.
Love is chemical so what's your point
I got married a few years ago. We are a young married couple. However, we didn't know that one of us had a lack of desire in sex, that sex is painful, and that it is impossible to reach orgasm. This causes months without sex, anger, frustration, wicked sexual thoughts and acts such as self-touching. Many times I said to myself and to God 'why did I marry her?' and we are both believers.
Get a hot sex robot
Have her thyroid tested
Please read the great sex rescue by Shelia Gregoire. You are far from alone. I hate that John immediately goes to the do but deprive verses. The very first question should be why she isn’t interested. In instances where sex is intimate, Mutual, and pleasurable, frequency taxes care of itself.
You may have to start thinking outside the box in order to hold on to your sanity. The routine Christian answers don't always work for situations like this.
@@BethWStamps Well I assume that you aren't a Biblical Christian then. It's interesting that you don't like the answer from the Bible, so you naturally you go seek somewhere else to find the answer you do like. Feminist by chance?
*We enjoy sex..are we doing something wrong? lol.*
To be fair, my husband is very helpful & gentle w/ me and our kids while being still being the head of household. I feel loved, respected & appreciated so it's easy to reciprocate 💑
*Disclaimer: Our Struggles incl:* Early porn addiction & alcohol, but he sorted that in a few months.
I heard alot in the little you wrote there....being a married man myself your answer really confirmed alot to me...I know for a fact my wife desires me more when she sees how I treat my stepson & she really respects that I am the man of the house leading in the word of God & she knows shes spoiled but not excessively, she knows that no means no lol....since I've been married getting sex has been such an adventure that I feel like a kid going for candy & I know my wife loves it herself..i couldve never imagined being 7 years into a relationship and so into the same woman....my struggles were one night stands,orgies, porn.....God is a deliverer.
Reminds me of The Simpsons episode where a nun sings: "If you're happy and you know it that's a sin. If you're happy and you know it that's a sin. etc"
It's a shitty religion if it makes you ashamed of enjoying yourself.
@@2ndPigeon Still spending your days trolling this christian channel? I feel bad for you when you get a taste of hell.
@@ifeawosika966 Don't worry. I've been babtised, and ones saved always saved 👌
@@2ndPigeon Once saved always saved is a lie from the devil. Jesus says those who endure till the end will be saved. Anyone who walks away from the faith will have it worse in hell due to leaving grace and paradise to be in hell, being tortured like a toy by demons until you're both tossed into the lake of fire.
Baptism doesn't save you. Repenting from your sins and trusting in Jesus is what saves you from condemnation.
Husband needs to learn how to love her. Any unfaithfulness hurts her desire for her husband. If he is not loving her but treating her badly then how can he expect it. It’s supposed to be done in love. If you disrespect and devalue her then don’t expect intimacy.
Why do people always assume it's the man that's doing something wrong? Can the woman not be at fault?
The takeaway is that it is good for a man not to touch a woman at all and save a lot of grief and misery as per 1 Cor. 7:1. And married or not, pornography is never the answer to anything.
It would be a delight married to a man your speking of
Much love and honor
Ignore the troll, lukeyellow 46 is just frustrated with his own inability to attract a quality woman. Good video, as always.
People have different levels of libido. They get older and hormones change, women lose desire because of children, men are less attracted because she got older, etc.
One problem that adds up to the confusion is that people (especially women) have high expectations of romance, etc. Sometimes sex is just sex. Get over it.
That's why it is important to marry someone to whom one is very attracted to in the first place. It's only going to get more complicated as time goes by.
Time changes everthing
And some couples find themselves deeper in love and more attracted as time goes by.
It's an issue of willingness to grow and mature I think. Also possibly physical care of your body and health. And different for every one.
I love this so much!
Sir. I would start by asking, are your love languages connected? sometimes it takes a visit with a sex therapist, sometimes you may need to wait a season, If you're disgusted that your wife is not enjoying a sexual encounter with you, THAT IS GOOD, That is a sign that you at least have empathy for her and her sexual health, the other concern is finding out WHY you're not connecting sexually, and that might involve a good quality, licensed sex therapist.
Don't tell me we sex therapists exists too😢 damn
I met a woman in church and ultimately married her. On our honeymoon she confessed that she had been an escort and did not like sex. During our entire 14 year marriage she refused oral sex; our union was a nightmare. I heard a few years ago the she had stolen her sister's inheritance, had an affair with her best friend's husband (the pastor of her church). And she had a ton of plastic surgery at 64 y.o. Please get premarital counseling and get to know your mate well before marriage.
Or don't get married at all. It's just a ceremony anyway.
THANK GOD FOR HIS WORD LIVE ALONE 65 PLEASE PRAY FOR ME FROM DAVID CASH NEED TO MOVE LIVE IN A BAD PLACE BUT I THANK GOD FOR THIS APT
My lack of interest towards sex is one of the reasons I worry I'll live and die alone, because I can never make a man happy and content...
you came to this world alone similarly you die alone if you get the gift of celibacy stay single that is the right thing to do push yourself towards God do social activities if you want you can support orphanage and trust me you can have fulfilling life without marriage
Rightly said I don't understand why people think they have to get married in order to have a fulfilling life
@Haprilona; Remaining single is an acceptable state according to Paul and is as much a gift as marriage. See 1 Cor 7:7. It means you have more undivided time and attention to devote to God. Embrace your single hood. You don't have to be married in order to love God.
You are a child, get off of adults conversations!
Great family issue. Thanks.
I mean he didn't really help just told the husband not to blame the wife. this is really one of those really hard questions within the church that no one wants to talk about. the husband should ask the wife what does she like in sex does she have orgasms.
This woman is obviously not attracted to her husband. He should focus on becoming his best self physically, spiritually and emotionally then the other will come frequently. I feel bad for the guy but he may have brought this on himself.
Why would someone who’s not interested in sexuality even get married..?? That feels really quite dishonest in my view. Imbalances like this breed abuse.
I don't think its necessarily wrong to do so. Like pastor John said: you don't necessarily have to enjoy sex to enjoy what you are doing with your partner, and how you make them feel. It's a give and take in such an occasion, not dominance or submission necessarily, but a total unity. Though he gives, and she receives in one way, the relations are supposed to be a mutual giving and receiving in love, not just animal desire.
God has not created us sexless. He created us with sexual desires and a longing to fulfill those in a godly healthy way in a loving marriage that honors God. Sex is not that evil abominable thing that must be scorned and frowned upon. Just like money, it’s the abuse of sex or rather its use outside the permissible boundaries of marriage that tarnishes its sanctity and goodness. Asexuality is abnormal and contrary to God’s plan for the propagation of mankind through enjoyable conjugal martial relationship. Often the problem is inadequate or lack of communication in a relationship; and that inevitably results in apathy, scorn, or disgust to build up over time. If left unaddressed, it often leads to depression, self-loathing, and isolation on the one end or to slipping into other sinful behaviors such as eating disorders, adultery, lust, or pornography on the other end. I also think that physical looks do matter, in addition to a godly character; when it comes to looks, I’m not talking about celebrity looks but rather a man or a woman who takes care of their looks and hygiene to an appropriate degree; and that is essential to sexual appeal. Frankly, there’s really no substitute to timely and open communication between the man and the woman to ensure they don’t fall into sinful behavior.
@@katherinepeterson-roberts yes, and amen! Better said than what I said.
absolutely
It doesn't matter, I will never get to experience real sex in this life.
I feel you
Me too, too ugly and old to get married. Life goes on, i guess.
Chances are that your standards are too high, ijs
Android 10.0 masturbation is pure evil and a deception from the devil. But thank God who is able to deliver. Run 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️ from it, resist it, and the Lord will help you.
@@Truthbetold9254 verse
This doesn’t solve anything. If two are equally unselfish and one wants sex but the other doesn’t then the want will equally flip back and forth for infinity.. do they have sex or not? Two opposing wants can’t happen at the same time. One will be getting what they want and the other won’t be getting what they want.
Take joy in the grace of God, but what about communicating with her about why she doesn't like sex with her husband? It's hard to give helpful advice about a marital sexual problem without knowing why there is a martial sexual problem. Does she know how to communicate her sexual interests? Does he? Is sex physically or emotionally painful for her? I don't understand how you can go on for 11 minutes giving advice without, well, giving advice. There is a reason why she doesn't like sex with her husband. I get that this is a Christian based video but really, I don't see how quoting the bible but not addressing why she doesn't enjoy sex is helpful to her or to him.
He answered it. If you don't get pleasure from sex than get it from pleasing ur partner. Its not an excuse to not have sex.
It is simple she is not attracted to him even though they are married she trying to do the right thing by staying married ! She may love him but is not in love with him .
@@jodydavis161 true or secretly lesbian
@@fordaculture_ Ever heard of sexual aversion?
Do not forget the physical problem of certain woman not able to climax,caused by an almost non existing clitoris, unable to feel the physical pleasure. After years of merely trying to please your mate this is not only frustrating but miserable. I find it at best damaging for pastors to merely teach biblical principles without knowledge of the human body, causing immense damage for centuries. Never mind that doctors were ignorant of the function of the female body, treated like inferior men.
I'm that spouse that doesn't enjoy sex. 8 years in marriage. I think he is selfish. Finishes in 2 minutes.
I just like to focus on my kids. They give me the joy I will never get out of this marriage. But I pray for a 2nd chance at love... I think God will have me experience true love from a man in this life b4 I join him in Heaven!
That man can very well be your current husband. God is able to transform your marriage whether or not it seems possible/likely.
What if your wife is medically unable ? I was asked this.
Then obviously she can’t accommodate her husband.
What if one had an indirect traumatic experience with sex and wants to get married? The person who experienced the trauma doesn't want sex and wants to maintain an intimate relationship with God and his or her spouse, but wants to remain a virgin. Should this person stay single?
This is a complicated question, but the first advice I would offer is this: do not underestimate or resist God's ability to heal these wounds of trauma. God's love and grace and healing are so great and so powerful that he absolutely can work in this traumatized person's life and heal their wounds and help them to enjoy and participate in sex without fear. This person shouldn't dismiss sex as something they will never want, even if that is their current reality. (And that's okay.) If they are in a relationship, they should be open and honest about their trauma and worries with the man or woman that they are in a serious relationship with, and depend on wisdom and discernment from the Spirit to guide them on when the time is right to have those conversations with a potential spouse. And they should allow God to work in their heart and mind and body for healing. That might involve turning to psychological professionals to support them in working through their trauma. And it may take a lot of time, and that's okay too. But while they are determined not to have sex, they should not pursue marriage, because that would mean they were determined to deprive their spouse permanently of what Scripture says we should not deprive them of. Depending on an individual's circumstances that may mean not dating until the sexual trauma is healed, or if they are already in a relationship, not marrying their partner until the sexual trauma is healed. "Healed" is also a complicated term. Trauma can be healed enough that a person is ready to have sex with a loving, gentle spouse, despite still being a struggle in a persons life at times. This is a complicated subject and this answer will not be sufficient for or apply to every single person who has experienced sexual trauma, but I hope it helps as a jumping-off point. Sexual trauma is an awful thing to endure and I hope that whoever you are referring to has gentle, loving support around them to help them. My heart aches for anyone who has had this happen to them.
@@Ontherock402 It is indeed very complicating. The person I'm referring to and their loved one are continually seeking God and are both open and understanding with the given circumstance. They're not concerned about not having sex at all. Personally, from the comment you've written, it doesn't make sense as to why they can't get married if both agree to having a (hopefully temporary) sexless marriage. Sex is just one part of marriage and it's quite alright without it. They're intimate in every way but seems like one can't get past that hill due to trauma. It also seems like they're working on themselves with God and are okay without it. (I guess more time is needed, in God's time) Their emotional needs are met and they're devoted to building a stronger relationship God. It's sad to think that one can't get married just because he or she is afraid of having sex as if that's everything of what a marriage is made up of.
@@윤민경-n8i That is a very unique situation, thank you for explaining. It's wonderful that they are seeking God and are open to His work in their lives.
My concern for them is this: The non-traumatized partner may be okay with not having sex for now, but what if in the future they can no longer bear it and are "burning with passion" as the Scripture says? If the other person is not yet healed and not willing to have sex, then they may open the door for frustration and resentment. It may open the door for the temptation of sexual sin, against which marital sex is a powerful weapon, and this frustration and disagreement would ultimately harm both of them.
It is true that sex is just one part of marriage, but it is SUCH an important part of marriage, and it shouldn't be overlooked. Since God's design is perfect, he didn't design marriage to involve this beautiful, pleasurable, unifying act that represents Christ and His Church, for a married couple to say "lovely, but no thank you, not for us." A married couple is not "intimate in every way" if they are not sexually intimate. Sex shouldn't be tossed aside as unimportant. (Obviously right now, they're not supposed to be sexually intimate, but if they marry, that would be a proper intimacy for a married couple.)
Perhaps, if these two people are so content without any sexual relations at all, they have the gift of singleness and shouldn't be married? I do not know them, I am only wondering.
Are the two people members of a church? Do they have a wise pastor who can help guide them through this?
I cannot stress this enough, I am far from the ultimate expert or the ultimate authority in this matter. And I agree, it is sad to think that they shouldn't get married (or at least not right now). But I do know this: sometimes God gives us very, very hard answers to our desires. And this means answering God with obedience even when it's hard, and asking him to help us obey his will because it is always ultimately for our good. Proverbs 3:5-6, 1 Peter 5:6-7, Romans 8:28.
Maybe I'm wrong in this matter, but I stand by what I said. I do hope that no matter what, this couple listens to God, and studies what Scripture has to say about sex and marriage, and relies on the wisdom of good spiritual leaders to make a wise decision in this matter. It is encouraging to know that they seek the Lord diligently already and that they are loving with one another. I hope that God blesses them with understanding, courage, and serenity.
Like you said, maybe all that is needed is more time, and if they wait, in God's time, the trauma will heal and they will marry.
I give all this advice with the best intentions for this couple, and not out of judgement or condemnation.
There is always a reason Fisical or emocional. Everyone craves intimacy.
You won't find mutual pleasure if you don't know the reason.
Ask her why and start from there. Work with a christian sex therapist or counselor or psicologist.
Hope you can work through it.
Wise counsel!
This is amazing
I would like to hear both sides of the story in 1 youtube video the couple had children and after the last one the sex just stopped for 12 years till they divorced the man never gave her side of the story
If there is no sex, it's okay. At least physical contact like hugs, I'm satisfied
The problem is that sex has become such a lustful thing this day and age. IT REALLY makes me wonder how many married godly couples lust after each other in the flesh instead of the way God commends married godly couples to do. Or Sadly even lust after other people outside of the marriage. I
This was very sadly something I saw in most of the marriages I would observe when I had more contact with married couples, some godly and some not. That is also a HUGE factor in a man or woman's lack of desire for one another. God tells us NOT lust of the flesh and as I stated already, I REALLY wonder how often that happens. Not wanting each other for the right reasons
How may I send you a question please
I'm a married man who's pretty much in the same boat as Steve. I don't understand for one minute how women think that way.
Thats because somebody. Else is tearing that thing up. Wake up man.
it's because you are bad in bed, don't blame your wife, get good!
avoid sex avoid marriage
Stay single dont ask married people
For advice
Mix only with singles
If I can be totally honest, this potential reality terrifies me. I am currently dating a godly woman and intend to propose this year. We are both waiting for marriage and I know that she loves me but there is definitely an underlying fear building that I’m going to be turned aside by her or unwanted sexually. Or even if wanted, not enjoyed the same way. This has caused me much heartache over something I don’t even know the reality of yet.😅 Does anyone have some input on this?
Yes my now husband of twenty three years waited until marriage. I'm very thankful God gave both of us the strength to wait. There's a saying women are like an oven and men are like a microwave. Be patient with her and have understanding from her wants and needs outside of the bedroom as well. It can be difficult but it's worth waiting. It only brought us closer to each other emotionally and physically. Hope this helps.
Have a talk with her on the issue. Be clear on the matter.
The concept of marital intimacy is more a problm with the west. In asians,the moment wer married we loose ourselves in it. The children become 1st place in everything we do. Yet, strangely we hav minimal divorces. Marriage is the biggest destroyer of desire, wants,etc. Becoz you cannot Want wat you already have.(ul not say you want pizza wen ur eating it) .In a marriage commitment becomes central. Marrige is a nurturing place. At least this is wat asians thinks of it. Tats why, divorces are rare.
"Men are from mars,women from venus"-centralize only on one theme, sexual atrraction increases wen we dnt have it. The joy in the chase not the prize. Somerset worte, "the biggest tragedy of love is not death, nor separation, but indifference. "the strongest love is alwayz unrequited love. Becoz we cannot desire wat we already have. And marriage does tat exactly. Tats why a marriage has to be sumthing else other than sex.malaci 2:15-"the purpose of marrige is to produce godly offsprings".
I strongly disagree sex is the central part of marriage come later ok
Your spouse is to be first accordingly to the Bible
not even the lost think sex is everything but it is IMPORTANT
Women are not from mars you imbecile!women are from God, made by the hands of God, taken from Adams rib....women are flesh of our flesh & blood of our blood....be careful where you get all that info from because it isnt of God.....america is very loose & rebellious & that's why we have so much divorce but if you arent having good, pleasurable sex with your wife & have completely given up and saying that sex is just to make babies then I suggest you stay clear away from the songs of Solomon buddy....if you're not enjoying sex with your wife then dont try to convince others that its normal, especially in that wannabe internet psychologist, college professor tone....I'll think ankutbalowing down sex when I'm about 80 years old, till then you just keep convincing yourself that life isnt pleasurable
There is no marriage (sexual intercourse) between other people in heaven. Marriage between a man and woman is a symbol of the marriage of Jesus to the church which is far better.
There is no childbearing in heaven because God will give the childless a name and place better than sons and daughters.
Heaven may not be a paradise of sexual intercourse, childbearing, and the sea (the sea will be no more), but God will make heaven far better than these.
Luke 20:34-36
34 And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage:
35 But they which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage:
36 Neither can they die any more: for they are equal unto the angels; and are the children of God, being the children of the resurrection.
Isaiah 56:4-5
4 For thus saith the Lord unto the eunuchs that keep my sabbaths, and choose the things that please me, and take hold of my covenant;
5 Even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give them an everlasting name, that shall not be cut off.
Ephesians 5:31-33
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Revelation 21:1
1 And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea.
1 Corinthians 2:9
9 But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.
Their problem is
Seek first the kingdom of heaven and righteousness
Rest every thing will follow
The person asking question is filled with evil sprit, which is asking question inside him.
Holy sprit would have told him that every thing is perfect, so praise the lord, amen
Shut up you idiot how do you know that he has evil spirit perhaps you or the one who has evil spirit by judging others
Bro go sit down 💀
So what do you do when she flatly refuses to have sex period? I have a high level sex drive and it is physically uncomfortable and need to have a release... The problem is that I know that "other methods" are wrong in His eyes and I'm frustrated... I want to honor God in all I do.. In every other way, our marriage is good... We have been married for almost 18 years now
I should add that we are older
@@chuckroelofsphotography Maybe have a good talk about it and find alternatives.
If you think god doesn't want you to do those alternatives then he should tell you right?
Would be kinda lame if he didn't.
Thank you! I was married to a woman who was incredibly spiteful in this regard. We were celibate for years, and ultimately she left the faith, then me.
So sorry Mark
Dont worry, God knew she would do that so He has something much better. Be patient and she will come ;)
I would leave too if my religion kept me from being happy.
@@2ndPigeon good luck then because you'll probably leave anything you do if that's what you're looking for just happiness.
@@deeveevideos Yes I will stop doing the things that make me unhappy. Would you suggest otherwise or something? :p
IS THAT WHY MORMONS HAVE EXTRA WIVES? JUST KIDDING
That’s a contradiction. If you love the other person than make a sacrifice and serve the other person. I’m sorry I disagree with some of your points.
Ugh this is why you don't marry someone you're not attracted to!!! There's no way that's God's intention for people
For some people, romantic attraction and sexual attraction are not the same.
Also, some people just have a low sex drive generally, regardless of how attracted to someone they are.
Ugh this is why you don't marry someone you're not attracted to!!! There's no one that's God's intention for people
please read God writes your love story by Leslie ludy and Eric ludy
When the love is gone it turns into a saladda biscuit and there’s nothing you can do about it .most of the men I know that’s been divorced including myself it’s the first sign of the beginning of the end.who s heard the joke about the boy who goes to the chemist with he’s dad and finds the condoms and says to he’s dad what are these for he’s dad said they’re used for safe sex ,son says why are there only 3 in this box he’s dad says they’re for high school kids 1for Friday. 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday then the son says then what’s this box of 6 for .dad says they’re for university students 2for Friday,2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday then the son says then who are these boxes of 12 for he’s dad says with a tear in he’s eyes they’re for married people 1 for January 1 for February and so on.
As a gay man married to a woman who I by default do not find sexually attractive this was very helpful.
Why did you marry a woman? You're gay. That's just setting yourself up for dissatisfaction.
@@2ndPigeon lot of women are lespeans
Do you love her? Does she know you have same-sex attraction?
Good Job Miguel. I pray God will help you on your journey.
@@fordaculture_ Well god made that journey for him so that's not gonna work.
Those things are not practical today at all.. try to understand..
ahahaha no spouse likes sex.. welcome to the club..
theres always one party in a marriage that hates sex.. get used to it ahahahahahah
Ah, so you're saying when a wife does not want sex with her husband she just has to grow up?
Well, the Bible specifically says if a woman wants sex with her husband its his OBLIGATION to please her, regardless whether he "feels like it" or not. His body is not his own, it belongs to his wife.
And vise versa. Theres supposed to be a mutual harmony there that people need to work out with each other. If the husband loves his wife he likely won't force anything on her that she doesn't also want.
john, you claim that sex is a mutual give and take, yet to look at you, one would find it difficult to imagine that you could satisfy a woman. how does a charlatan soft boy like you, pull it off?
Must be the evangelicals
Women are attracted to chiseled facial features, height, and broad shoulders. If you lack those things, sex will be a struggle.
Not necessarily.
👎
Aphrodisiac maybe? 😅😅
scrabble