Tom Segura's Craziest Stand-Up Stories
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- Опубліковано 5 гру 2020
- Tom has seen some sh*t. (And done some sh*t too.) Enjoy 15 minutes of pure Tom Segura standup and also don't try any of this stuff at home. Tom Segura's Ball Hog and Disgraceful are now streaming only on Netflix.
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Tom always delivers the "What the fuck" like a damn maestro
The delivery of “nuh uh” CRUSHESSSSSSSSS
@@jmsmith1767 "among other things "🤣🤣
😭😭
Who needs jokes when you can just say a bunch of curse words?
@@darmokatyoutubeleavingcomm3422 right because delivery, timing, context, and body language are all for suckers right?
Honestly one of the funniest comedians. And just by telling casual shit.
Wish he had more stuff on Netflix.
His old albums are on Spotify, def worth a listen if you enjoy his comedy. Some of my favorite bits are from his older stuff
Good thing he has podcasts where he's just as funny!
Lexie Person funnier I’d say! And I love his specials! Lol but him and Native’s relationship is better and funnier than anything ever scripted
Agreed, Bill burr is up there too, but yo if you can help us out with a subscribe that would be awesome, we make sketch comedy!! ua-cam.com/channels/Gn69G8sNdMXu7Tsi7bLT-w.html
2 bears 1 cave. check it out
That's The down side of asking someone in passing "how you doing?" some people will REALLY tell you their WHOLE life story.
That's why if you don't wanna hear the answer to your question then don't ask it. Just say hi instead.
@@UnReAlKenji BEEN stopped asking
@@UnReAlKenji i tried that and this how it goes
"Hi"
"Hi, how are ya"
"Fine, how about yourself"
And boom, I still get caught.
As I told my parents when I was a teenager, don't ask questions that you don't want to know the answer to
I walked outside to my neighbors guest. My dog barked at him so I apologized and shushed my dog who sat down for the show because this guy immediately started explaining who he was and why he was there. Like, what?
“Where we goin? ‘Chill out’ alright cool” so true back in the day
357 and a shotgun on the bed lmao, It's what I would have said , "That's what's up."
Bro I thought u were being some oldie acting like the old days were so much better but then I got to that part and fucken oath that’s funny my bro
We are still at that stage in Eastern Europe :D
@@0xheraldry yep same here in London. hahah horror stories
LOL seriously. Back in the day, buying weed on a good day was a tedious process. On a bad day? Terrifying.
Why do I feel like the dude from the bank looked like Hannibal Buress
That makes it so much funnier
I'm dead I just redid the whole scenario in my head with Hannibal and it's the thing of awkward dreams
Literally looked like him in my head
not gonna lie, that's a pretty looking face
but also a very boring one
Because you need to be a producer and cast some of these stories as skits! That's fvcking hilarious.... I pictured something else but Hannibal acting this out would be perfect, bespectacled, pudgy Hannibal. But he could pull it off now still, thats just his vibe!
Him or Tim Robinson!
“And because she wasn’t hot, I tattled immediately”
@Christopher Briscoe No... most men would laugh if another men told them they uncomfortable lol...
@@laneblack9420 lol you idiot
@@xandercorp6175 ?
@@laneblack9420 what a wonderful photo you have of your violin/viola young man
“You know. What’s up? So...”
“Daddy used to get in the car with strangers.”
True. True.
One of the greatest comedians of this era.
🧢
@@Stormsolid he’s mad funny tho😭
@@miketysoneatswaffles3996 he funny but not "one of the greatest" funny hahah
@@Stormsolid he is in the top 10.of his generation...
him and bert
"did you drive here, or did somebody drop you off?"
most accurate description of my life...
What does he mean with this joke?
@@bloodhound000 no idea
@@bloodhound000 he’s saying like he’s special Ed so he’s not allowed to drive
@@skateboard0716 I thought he meant he was drunk or high or sumthing. Special ed makes more sense
@@bloodhound000 it's a better way to ask someone if they are r-worded.
" Is that boy or girl ?
" Do you see any other cars out there junior " 😂
I died laughing at that part, oh my God!!!!
I didmt understand what he meant..please explainn😣
@@aayushraka4240 The dude was the one who was going to blow him (store clerk)
@@aayushraka4240 he's the only other one there so that guy is obviously going to be the one doing it
Easily one of the best comedians in the business, and really in the history of comedy. Amazing storyteller and presence.
Best working Japanese comic in the business
I wish I could be more like Tom. I want to remember all his jokes so I can socialize.
It takes 7 repetitions, on average, of hearing/reading information for it to sink into your long-term memory.
So start listening to Tom on a regular basis (seven times minimum) and you will start to know his humor in your mind and soul.
Naw man you gotta make up your own jokes, he’s at a comedy show with hundreds of people who came just to see him, you’re talking to basically strangers who don’t know you
Believe me it works. I mean where I live we speak spanish so no one knows these comedians and I just translate the stories and people love it! I have some background in acting wich makes it easier.
Creepy
Get out the basement and get your own life experience
*You see any other cars in that parking lot junior??* 👆👆👆
I didnt get it am i dumb?
@@poeniedoedel7768 the guy in the overalls and the person behind the hole in the wall are the same person
@@poeniedoedel7768 to follow up on peezy yes you are dumb
@@peterwagner958 you're such an asshole
@@highchair208 for calling a guy an idiot for not understanding a quite simple joke. Nah the guy is just dumb
“Inside, paralysis, but what I said was, that’s what’s up” classic 😂
Shit had me ROFL 😂😂
im pissing myself laughing, cant believe ive never heard of this dude
he has like 1000 podcast eps too, one of the best
@@aidanniland8848 Yeah if you dig his stand up, his podcast will probably do it for you too. He cohosts with his wife, who's also a comedian.
Ir's one of the OG comedian-does-podcasts out there, and it's one of the biggest. I was listening to that shit in like 2011, back before podcasts were really a thing and when JRE was actually good.
@@SquareNoggin yeah i’m a huge ymh fan, definitely been overtaking jre with some of the new shit they come up with.
2 bears 1 cave is great
Now you're hooked. Funniest guy on the planet
As bouncer myself... I’ve had that happen more then once and yes, none of the security will go near that. We get the waitress to handle it 😂. And yes the girl stays , they guy goes🤷♂️
daaaaaaang!
"Peeling her potato" LMAO
How have I never heard of this comedian?!! He’s brilliant. Love him 😆
He has a great podcast with his wife who is also a comedian it's called "your moms house" a lot raunchier and wild than his netflix stuff.
Check him out don't b stingy
His wife is pretty funny too
He's hilarious you gotta check out his overdose story
Wow are you in for hours of enjoyment
The girl diddling herself was so fucking funny I can't believe iv never heard it 😂
He is one of the best stand ups of our era, hands down. He has an amazing podcast as well
I almost choke myself alone on " toying with the top " ! 😂😂😂
🤣🤣🤣🤜🤪🤣🤣
hello sir, how is the stock market today. damn tom is funny. him and bill burr keep hope alive man.
i feel stupid after watching this. But not as stupid as i feel after watching my videos.
Dave chapelle man. Might be the greatest ever.
12:50
Shrooms legit saved my life after the military.
.....legalize nature.
Check out Jim Jefferies, some of his earlier stuff is hilarious, especially his airplane bit
@@SH4D0SKU11 oh ya he pushes boundaries like the best of them. JJ is great. He has one bit I cant seem to find again about him and another celebrity he doesn't name hooking up with some random ladies. It's pretty savage
This shit had me rollin. 😂😂😂 My eyes are actually watery.
"Tom Segura's Craziest Stand-Up Stories" -- first story is about walking into a bank and having someone talk to him that he didn't want to talk to and that person didn't get the hint. So mundane and has happened to almost everyone, he just made it hilarious lmao
Tom is so funny, so underrated and underappreciated when u need to die laughing.
How is he underrated and underappreciated? Dude's one of the top comedians of this era.
Tom can speak Spanish fluently.
He does shows for Latinos in Spanish and kills it
He also has a beard, and still does the show without taking it off
He is spanish so I can see why he can speak it fluently
@kingofkings4917 no he's Japanese
Haven't laughed that hard in a while. Thanks Tom!
3:26 SO GOD DAMN TRUE……lmfao
Love Tom because everywhere I go ppl act weird or fuck something up around me glad to know I’m not alone.
Keep featherin' it, Netflix.
Jack Browning if they don’t, they won’t be following proto and therefore they’ll be doneeeeee
'piss fetish?' almost died.
That dude is funny. He had me at "or does somebody drop you off?"
3:33 “living the dream” is also accepted. It just is code for I wanna die
One of my top comedians - what makes Tom and comedians like him is he’s relatable af
Don't ask a german: "How are you doing?" In german culture you'll get to know how that person is doing. Otherways wish a good morning, but dont ask questions if you are not interested in the answer. THAT's rude ;-) (in german culture)
Great Show !!!
K
The same thing with Russians, man. We don't have a tradition of this "courteous" exchange between strangers, we just ignore them. It may seem harsh but, really, what are you trying to do with this question? You don''t REALLY want to know how I'm doing, so to us, Russians, it's just unnecessary. And the same goes for always smiling - we don't do that because we know that a normal person does not smile all the time - because they just can't be this happy ALL THE TIME - unless they're desperately trying to look likable. And if you do that, then you're just a fake, and I can't trust you. So why do you need to keep up this meaningless "courtesy" act, when you don't really give a shit about how the other person is actually doing? I personally think that if you don't care about someone, then you, out of simple human decency, shouldn't pretend to. What you're doing is just making yourself look good in your own eyes for not ignoring the person. But aren't you hypocritical for asking a question that you know you won't get an honest answer to? Wouldn't it be better if just didn't interact at all, if you don't know each other?
@Randy Lehey Thank you)) I should also mention that I've been to the USA myself, I've lived there for almost a year when I was 13, so I actually know what I'm talking about. And this "courtesy" bullshit is one of the things that hasn't changed in the last 20 years - I hated it then and I still hate it now. We may not smile as much in Russia, but at least we can tell when someone's genuine and when he's a fake. And I can tell you right now: ask anyone who's been to Russia and they will tell you that when you get past this "courtesy" crap and make friends with a Russian, you'll be treated with probably the greatest hospitality you've ever encountered in your life. And by the way, we may not smile at strangers, but most of us will gladly help one, especially a foreigner. Just don't fake-smile - we really appreciate honesty, so be sincere and you'll be treated accordingly.
@@mikegc36 love and live this. So true, for polish, ukrainian, and russian. No fake smiles get taken seriously here.
14:13 "You tryin' to get a sack!" LOL I'm dying
Tom is a true 90's dude.
the cashier at the liquor store asked me how i was doing earlier. i said "im doing well. you?" he actually looked at me like i was an undercover narc. im 36 years old..in usa years.
@WiLD CHiLD 😂🤣🤣 what is anything other than USA years. It’s Mayan calendar years 🤣🤣
"I gotta go get it." Fuckin remember those days.
I once had to go to a friend, who knew a guy, just for him to say "gotta go get it" we get there and then this dude says "Yea no problem. Gotta go get it first" that night had me so pissed off I didn't bother to get it 😅
I’ve herd these story’s several different times and they never get old
Oh have ewe?
The previews of his shows on Netflix didnt entice me but this has so im gonna check out his stuff on Netflix.
Enjoy, do it by order of upload aswell, it's a bell curve in quaility
Do you also tell strangers about your planned travels?
Ah I see the tough keyboard doucheballoons are out on UA-cam with their tough talk eminating from their lonely basements.
@@JcastroCFH yeah it sucks that nobody cares about you mate but chin up.
Someone might wake up in a cold sweat and try to remember you.
@@JcastroCFH aw thanks pal.
Don't be too overwhelmed, you may not have the energy to reply to some other user you care SO little about that you STILL find the time to tell them how much you don't care..
Toyin with the top is probably the funniest way to describe it I have ever heard.
The story about how he met Christina at a bar is classic
Ouch. Well played
😂🤣😅
I’m not sure who Christina is.
@@blakeharris58 his wife
@@blakeharris58 You obviously wear your jeans low and loose.
“Mom said not to forget”
Fucking died lol
That bar joke gets me everytime 😂 so funny and so true 😂😂
I'm a Craig. I don't do well on small talks...I always answer them seriously for a couple of minutes before I realized that the person only doing the "empty polite talks".
I have Aspergers/ASD.
It's OK, I'm have mild autism and I do the same thing
Ok
@@BGrader you don't have autism
I feel ya bro... I may have Aspergers too.
Probably not. You just think that bc you want to seem weird for the internet.
It's still too hard to get weed in a lot of places.
I imagine this guy could drag out a joke & they won't boo him cuz he's super likable.
Spot on..the crowd laughs with him too
"You see any other cars in that parking lot junior?"
The guy in the lobby is considered a greeter.
You spelled ASSHOLE wrong
He is hilarious. His jokes sound like real life experiences
800+ dislikes?
So many people with low and loose jeans!!
keep em' high & tight mommy !
"You're Narc thats what you are " HAHAHAH
Can understand Craig, took me awhile to get that 'how u doing' with Americans was a hello and not an initiation for a conversation. They don't even want a response, but throw people off with 'quite well' is funny.
The people in my country (Indonesia) does these small talks too. I can't handle them well because I always answered them seriously for a couple of minutes before realizing that they didn't really want to know where I'm going, where I'm from, and my analysis on the weather. 😅😅😅
I have Aspergers/ASD btw.
The British say, "Are you okay?" And that is American for, "You don't look like your day is going well. What's wrong? Can I help?"
@@LadyVoldemort Haha, me too! I usually have to guess based on how well I know them, if they keep looking at me after saying it...yeah, it takes a lot of brain thoughts and I'm only right 80% of the time.
Also, it hasn't been called "Asperger's" since the DSM-V replaced the DSM-IV. It's all just ASD, and "high functioning" isn't a legit medical term, but high functioning autism expresses the same meaning
“Now I’m roped in” HAHAHA
This man cracks me up every time.
I agree so much on the first story. My job at a gas station turned into consulting within my first week
To me, Tom Segura is the GOAT. I haven't heard anyone who makes me laugh as hard as Tom.
One hundredddd percent... This guy is hysterical! Ball Hog was a tremmmmmendous special. Get well dude.
This guy is so much like LCK. Same delivery and attitude, I'm an instant fan.
LCK also has "this was always my face" joke.
I have tears in my eyes right now 🤣😂🤣😂❤️❤️❤️
Holy shit this is funny 😂😂😂 gets funnier every time actually.
I'm so ashamed. I remember the days of dial-up and constant buffering. "Hehe...oh! Hilarious!
When DSL came out shit got REAL lol
Just recently I have started watching his content, dude’s great
This guy is hilarious 🤣🙏🏾I’m glad I found him
"Peeling her potato" I'm laughing tears
I have never burst out laughing so hard before
I did not know Tom yet (is probably not so well known in Germany) and watched the video at 1am and had to laugh so hard that I woke up the whole house. 😂 This guy is brilliant!
OMG! This guy is hilarious! Soooo funny! I could watch him for days.
His stories are so nuts, love it 😂😂😂
This dude had my face hurting and distorted from laughing so much….i mean my face has never experienced these kinds of laughs or the pain from my face contorting in so many different ways but it was a good type of pain 🤣🤣🤣🤣
First time seeing this dude. Gonna watch him more. Pretty funny shit
“Daddy used to get in cars with strangers” 😂😂
omfg can totally relate. On one side I’m happy things will change, but at the same time I got sooo many stories to tell about me and my buddies…good times
First time listener I’m in love with him!!! I’ll be up till the morning listening to him!!
Time well spent
Where has this guy been, where did he come from (sorta the same question) and I think I know where he's going: straight to the top of my current favorite comedians! Hill Air Eeous!
Judging by your proper grammar and articulate way of speak you'd adore his live show on YMH (his podcast)
where has he been, really..? you're talking about Tom Segura, one of the most well known comedians with stand up shows, netflix specials, podcasts... i'm guessing the world of stand up is not your homefield if you ask that
When people ask "How you doing?", I think "Are they mocking me?" ...
Wauw, those jeans are high and tight! You bet I'm coming up in may.
3 hours for $20 (I can so f'n relate)...and 30% seeds too!
This literally made me laugh so hard I cried😂😂😂
The master in his element!
Bill Burr, Tom, and Bert Kreicher are my top 3 comics. Love this video!
Jim breuer the bomb in sears one. Watch it, hilarious
@@marilynnmena6940 I've seen that special. That's a great bit too
Are you purposely only faving comics that look like you
Love his delivery.
His delivery is perfection
Toyin’ with the top. 🤣🤣🤣😂
My face is hurting ... of laughter 😃
Needed this
12:34 you can see his smile turn into rage as he remembers it lmao
This guy is a genius, super hilarious
I remember going with my cousin to buy weed in the early 70's, talk about paranoid dealers; you had to have someone 'known' vouch for you and if by some coincidence they got busted later on that week you and your cousin were on a 'hit' list as probable snitches....Talk about perilous times.....
3:45 ... "41jump st." LOL
Every sentence every word is PERFECTLY DELIVERED. I have goosebumps and tears .
Dudes a absolute banger of a set 🔥⚡️💪🌟
"Mom doesn't want me to forget."
Sooo funny! Can’t wait to see him live again.
I love this guy! I've seen all of his comedy specials on Netflix. ❤
Dude you just invented a new "Job Title" Lobby Liaison) for people's job applications. So much better than editing Walmart Greeter or Temperature Taker!!! 😂😆😁😷😉
I know exactly where the last story takes place. On a road off of Avenue D in Ft Pierce. That trailer was destroyed in 2004 by hurricanes Frances and Jeanne.
I know EXACTLY where that is!!! 8 yrs in the Pizzle! Lol
Nah, it's the one in Rockwood. He even said so.
I love that guy 😂
all of these bits are gold lmao
Cross between Kevin and Louis. Like this guy's style from time to time.
Kevin who?
@@ijcollins15 James