@MalhausI never thought of it like that, but you're right. I do it too. I never haggle. When there's a garage sale in my neighborhood I put stuff in my driveway and label it "free" so I don't have to deal with people. I always tip when there's an option, even when it's not really necessary.
My whole family had undiagnosed ADHD for many many years, and we struggled so much financially. Even now, my parent has no retirement savings, and important purchases like fixing our sink and bathtub that have been broken for years keep getting put off, not even because of money necessarily, but because of the energy required to coordinate all of that.
Your honesty is so refreshing and appreciated. I'm currently in debt about 7k, finally got around to reaching out to a debt counseling service and got a plan in action. Took me over a year to do that. I have lots of alarms and reminders for things, and most of the time they help. I've been so traumatized by things I've missed or forgotten that I'm neurotic about it now which is equally unpleasant. And it doesn't help either.
I’m sorry, but you asked! (*Are you kidding me?!! I had to retype this because I accidentally deleted it!!! Don’t even get me started on “careless” mistakes or I will freak! Deep breaths…) I’ve lived a lifetime (fortunately with a family!) of near poverty. In 2010, & 11 we were selling personal property to eat and got within a couple weeks of being homeless (My skin crawls at the memories!). Two college degrees qualify me to be the smartest guy in the room, but a maintenance worker who does the stuff no one else wants to do. Even though my parents were narc/alcoholic/enabling/& neglecting (enmeshed with my father’s narcy parents/family) parents, and I had a sexually abusive neighbor, and I‘m AuDhD, I know that in many ways I have been and am fortunate to still be alive and have what I do have. But it is the many, many missed opportunities and dreams that lay untouched in the dust that cause me the most pain and frustration (*see above).
My work experience is similar to yours. I left a really great, high paying career years ago due to burnout. I didn't understand that, that was the reason at the time. Ever since then, I've made stupid mistakes, and I haven't found the same career situation since.
My life. All of it. And this is so hard to explain to someone who says: Just budget. Just call the credit card company and negotiate. Just pay your bills as they come in. I feel like I ruin and mess up everything I do. Thanks for such an honest video.
Thank you for this comment. This is why I added the part at the end. I think all of us know what we're "supposed" to do, just like we often know how we're "supposed" to interact socially. It's the implementation that seems impossible, because, you know, we have a different neurotype. All the tips and tricks in the world will not change our neurotype, which is why I'm hesitant to go down that road.
Nice video! Definitely relate. I lost a couple thousand last year due to poor sense of money. I was on holiday and didn't expect it to cost much because the food and accommodation were free. I only bought one bag of toiletries and snacks beforehand. But it all added up. The audiobook subscription, the new flip-flops, the couple nights of eating out, the impulse detours, the pharmacy visit, the transport... I kept looking through my bank statement over and over, but it was all correct. I spent 2000 on random little things that just added up in the end. It really sucks. Though regarding canceling subscriptions, I would say that a lot of companies just have inaccessible subscription policies. So it's not just that we're forgetful, we are also denied accessibility. It's not hard to implement better policies but they won't because it makes them money.
This is all very relatable! I have been fired for "over stapping bounds" when I just thought I was showing initiative. This happened twice! I am lucky that I am very organized. But, in order to be so, I have limited my ambitions. I am intelligent but I will never be "successful ". I have learned to be o.k. with that. I can not, however, figure out a way to be realistic with my aspirations. I go all in and buy way too many tools and materials for hobbies I might not even like. Yup, I would buy that top of the line bike too, and ride it only once! I don't get upset anymore though. This is MY life and I choose not to judge myself!
Yes, I haven't been outright fired for overstepping but it contributed to my termination. I think I need to do a video on that internal struggle between ambition and ability. I hate that we have to choose between challenging ourselves intellectually and caring for our mental health. I wish we could have both.
I would really welcome a video on this topic, I think it's one of the biggest battles I have with myself, ambition over ability versus reality. I also would welcome more videos on possible solutions to the problems we face, it can't hurt and at best might create something unexpected from that "outside the box" thinking we haven't actually thought of yet! 😀
I tend to impulsively by clothing. Online and at thrift stores. Now I have way too much and it is overwhelming, but it is also overwhelming to go through and declutter it. I am constantly dealing with my clothing, wasting time, energy, and being stressed out about it. I have done this for ages but the difference is that years ago it was easy to resell it online and now it is nearly impossible.
Have you tried the physical resale stores, like Pluto's Closet, Buffalo Exchange, and Uptown Cheapskate? They are still trying to screen out a lot of the Temu/Shein stuff, unless it is a unique piece.
@@TwisterTornado I do not live anywhere near one of those stores. There is a non-chain store like that in a town near me but the wait list for an appointment to sell/consign with them is close to a year wait.
I can relate to this 100% I'm diagnosed with both too. In the UK we have Direct debit which is excellent for monthly budgeting but easily forgotten and cause loads of anxiety if they're not monthly.
I assume this is an autopay/auto draft feature? I have such a hard time with these when they're for anything other than routine bills. I consistently pay way too much because I forget about it.
I've literally misplaced cash in the value of thousands of dollars and found it months later... multiple times. Most of my expenditures are getting taken for a ride unfortunately...
Wow! Yeah, even though they lead to burnout, I've intentionally sought high paying jobs to account for my money mismanagement. It was easier to make more than try to correct the behavior. I'm finally to the point that I've gotten a financial planner because I need help.
I'm repeating myself, but once again this is a very good set of topics. My approaches or partial solutions to these problems were: 1. Whiteboard to buffer all impulses. Only when, after days or weeks, your head says: “Yes, you want and need that,” then something is purchased. 2. Find a well-paid area of responsibility that fulfills you thematically, become really good at it and free yourself from permanent positions. 3. A second whiteboard for work items with keywords and references (for example to appropriately designed folders, digital or analogue) can have a lot of impact. 4. Belief in yourself. 5. The financial difficulties are ALSO the result of a long-broken and dysfunctional financial system, so don't take all of it on your own shoulders. 6. No subscriptions if possible.
Cluttered house, can't find things that you know you have, labeled as stupid or lazy, marginalized, lack of interest, difficulty maintaining relationships and addiction issues😢.
This hit close to home! One thing I’d add is simply that what we can do lies in the realm of stopping (more realistically: reducing) negative self-talk. You referred to some decisions as “stupid”, which might be the case in the moment…but I’d challenge you. It takes a really intelligent person to be able to sit with the discomfort of making a “bad” choice and then to nevertheless try and be kinder to ourselves and make improvements. Some therapists talk about “bridge statements”, there are several videos here on UA-cam, and for me, realizing my “stupidity” is more a matter of self-talk and a skewed perspective than an outright fact has helped a TON in confronting the ADHD tax. Am I still in debt? Sure. Does it feel any better? No. Do *I* feel better about it? Kind of
14:45 It's important to start the discussion about possible solutions and approaches. Again, will each suggestion be feasible or viable? Maybe or maybe not. The issue at hand is that we need to systematically consider all available avenues to navigate through these challenges, and then each of us has to use trial and error to determine which of the proposed solutions (or some as of yet undiscovered alternative) actually works for us at an individual level. Experimentation will be required here and necessary always as we consciously and intentionally seek to improve our lives, so rather than shying away from it, we need to embrace the discomfort of finding what actually works for us.
I put everything in my calendar app which is connected to my smart watch since I frequently forget my phone. I put all my bills on autopay. I do regular cardio, avoid sugar, and don’t drink alcohol or caffeine. I have a bedtime routine and eat healthy. Still ADHD, but it has become a whole lot easier to manage when I do the things I mentioned above. It’s not a perfect system but I haven’t been late to an appointment or forgotten to pay my bills in years.
Great advice. I'm dealing with depression and burnout which I think makes everything so much worse. I'm fighting hard to get my self care routine back, which should make everything better.
4:04 Yes, but this experience happens so frequently due to the lack of knowledge and preparation when it comes to negotiating what you are available for and what you are not. We always need to cultivate discernment about what "opportunities" are not a good match for us and will ultimately hinder our progress and adversely impact our health and well-being.
11:46 Yes, that happens, so anticipate it. Cut down on visits to mental health professionals and use that money to hire assistants. By temporarily diverting funds to higher impact purchases and services, you will end up saving money and lowering your stress levels significantly.
8:19 Because you are living in the regrets of the past versus moving in the new desired direction for the future. From now on, if I paid interest, I will be grateful because I was able to access things that I needed in the moment that made my life easier, and I will pay off my debt as soon as possible. I will also proactively take steps to minimize impulsive purchases by being more mindful of how I spend money and what triggers me to buy stuff I can buy at a later time. I will also see what other support I can get in case I need help with accountability. Again, the key step here is to starve out self- recrimination and direct your focus and attention to solutions and taking consistent baby steps day after day. As you build this practice, it will become second nature.
The job thing, in so many ways. I recently took a job making less than what I was because of the constant stress. And I'm pretty sure that the only reason I got that job was because my new boss is a former coworker. (It works out great for both of us - I have significantly less stress and she has a hard-working, overqualified employee.) Another thing that you didn't directly mention is failing big time whenever there is a human salesperson. Not only am I a people-pleaser, but it's fairly easy to sway my opinion on things that I know nothing about. Example: The last time we bought a car, I misunderstood what the warrantee meant and ended up spending a couple thousand extra dollars on something that is of practically no use. But the salesperson said I needed it, so I believed her and got the platinum plan. Costly and embarrassing. The only solution I know for this one is avoidance - and if I can't avoid talking to a salesperson, I make sure to bring someone else with me that isn't such a sucker.
Yeah the job issue is frustrating. I hate having to choose between earning what I'm worth (but it means chronic burnout) or undervaluing myself to save my sanity. It's an unfair choice. I did touch lightly on the salesperson issue, but you're right I could have said more. With the bike shop, the guy just selected a bike for me and I didn't question it.
9:38 Yeah, do not enroll in those ever. It's bad practice to set payments and forget them. You want to set aside time every week AND every month to monitor different aspects of your finances with regularity. This is an aspect of financial health and well-being.
7:13 For these, you need to explore other solutions and accept that you may not get things done the way others do it. Personally, I would save all of the documents on my phone, on the cloud, in my email, and my desktop or laptop, and I would print them an hour or so before the meeting at work or send it to everyone for them to print later in case the printers were down. I would avoid printing them at home if at all possible as that increases opportunities for mishaps.
These service contracts are designed this way for a reason. Many people fall for it. I worked in Germany for a year and they sell a train card for a year to get reduced tickets. For some reason I got a premium card 3 weeks later. When I quit the job a year after I started I also cancelled the train card which auto-renews after a year. I cancelled it within 11 months of the card date, but the contract didn't start with the card date of the premium card but that of the regular card that got replaced by the premium card. Luckily I had no need for Deutsche Bahn and didn't pay and they didn't try to bring it in from a foreign country.
OMG!!! Thank you for doing this video and letting me know that I’m not alone, I could’ve literally done this video myself because it’s so describes me and my dysfunction and how I end up upset and angry and , at the same time for buying and doing things I know I shouldn’t.
These are all true. The job issues are so true, I had an office/field job, but due to a lack of work, a couple people were laid-off, including me. I've had periods of unemployment, and underemployment, but I had a full-time job for a year until the layoff occurred. At my old workplace, favoritism was real there, and I was not one of the favorites, because I thought differently, viewed things from a more emotional, perspective and went against the norms. The Disorganization at work was also true, with my computer and everything, very disorganized. Good video!!!!
I've had similar experiences at work. My unique way of thinking is appreciated, but often I'm the first to go for not playing into the politics and being too honest.
5:33 You need systems in place and/or assistance and additional support so that this situation does not repeat itself. It's not productive nor helpful to chastise yourself. Acknowledge that this is a challenge you are facing, forgive yourself for struggling with this, and look for nonstandard solutions that you haven't considered before. Find something that works for you. Perhaps get someone to help you organize the tools after working on the project and have a checklist on the phone. Treat this as an area of your life that requires extra support and care for the time being rather than a defect. It will free up more energy that you are directing at self-flagellating, which has proved ineffective.
3:34 Oh, in this case, you need to spend time honing your interview and negotiation skills. If a company is low-balling you and unwilling to pay you what are capable of corroborating with your work, you need to walk away. Full stop. Politely tell them that you are looking for something else, and thank them for the interview experience and cordially offer that perhaps a future opportunity for collaboration may present itself. Then, keep looking. These are expectations and boundaries you need to set up with yourself ahead of time. Your vital life force energy is precious, and a much better fit exists that won't burn you out nor leave you depleted and underemployed. Settling out of desperation works against you in both the short and long term.
We tried working with a CPA. Turned out that I had to sign a document and because the way they communicated that to me did not result in me signing it, I was fined $2K by the government. I will never use a CPA again. I have signed up for services for people with ADHD that promised that I would get my money back if I didn’t use it. Surely there would be a way to get my money back, as I never used it, but I don’t think I’ll ever get it back. I’ve missed so many payments and am in so much student loan debt. Every time a payment system changes or I need to replace a lost payment card, it is so difficult to reset everything.
13:57 Ah, yes, when that happens, make a list of these impulsive purchases. Then, start to declutter. Sell them even at a slight loss or give them away for free as a charity donation or something. Basically, justify it to yourself that you got the use you were going to get out of it, and do some spring cleaning. A lot of this process is releasing guilt or shame and stopping long enough process the lessons you have learned about yourself without judgement and self-bullying.
10:37 Have someone help you with all of this. Get into the habit of texting someone ypu trust about these things and bills or send them an audio note, even if it's to complain. This will create multiple reminders of all of these details in a way that feels less like a demand that you wish to rebel against.
Everyone, ADD moment! As I reread my comment to Proudly’s question, I heard her voice in my head reading in a prose that is (mine) very different from her own. I can’t possibly be the only person who experiences this! Please. Someone?😂 Time to go stim!
For years i spent a lot of money on takeout food. This was because my jobs were always so stressful they took all of my energy and concentration. I also found it hard to do meal planning.
It’s kind of lonely but i don’t really need to associate with people that invalidates my condition. I went through a burnout that felt as if I was never going to enjoy life again. Now I feel enthusiastic to go out and keep up with projects, studies and enjoy time with true friends. I am 65 years old.
Most of my job roles, I always get told I rake too long. The quality of work is great but I take too long which is frustrating. It at times feels like a there is a traffic jam in my head. My support network doesn’t believe about this, or brush it off as not a big deal. I don’t know how to fix this but I know it holds me back
I often feel the same way, as if I'm mentally stuck. I also have a big problem with finishing tasks. I get them so close, but can't quite finish. It's definitely a problem with employers. Having proactive bosses that keep you accountable with regular check-ins can help keep you on track and not feel bad for asking questions when you feel stuck.
I’ve been overdrafted paying my mortgage out of my savings account (no overdraft protection for savings, only checking) once for literally $.02…..(yup!! 2 cents) because I “mathed” wrong, ugh. I’ve also overdrafted (again, savings) because I read the balance as the available balance so I was $25 short since $25 is needed to keep the checking account open. I’ve done this twice 😬 I have two degrees (not in math obviously 😂) and didn’t realize until recently these kinds of things were my undiagnosed neurodivergence (likely AuDHD).
Yeah, I've done stuff like this. Usually with auto draft. Not realizing a bill was about to deduct and overdrafting. The more depressed/overwhelmed I am, the worse I am with monitoring my account, so that doesn't help either.
I throw away and misplace important things all the time. Have you ever heard the little voice in your head say "that's a really weird place to put that, you won't remember where you put it." and then you continue to put it there anyway? Yeah 🤦♀️
So as a quant ADHD-er I kind of hyperfocus on getting the best value on things, but I buy more than I should and have a bit of clutter, especially in my library and my hobby electronics lab. I avoid debt at all costs though. I am thankful I can hyperfocus on finances. Only once did I get a late payment on my credit record. Also I have issues at work too! People get mad because I need very clear instructions to get started on tasks. One tip: get ADA Accommodations! Employers may treat you like garbage, but you can sue if fhey retaliate against or fire you! Do not let your work bully you and take no prisoners! Remember we are talented in unique ways! I was shocked to see my neuropsych report. I performed poorly on simple tasks, and yet excelled on ones that require divergent thinking, complexity, and creativity... hmm... I bet many of you can sympathize. We are talented, wonderful people ❤
😆 the triathlete and fancy bike! I spent a decade hanging onto that fixation and burned my body out. Paying for it dearly now. Wasn’t diagnosed yet, now I cringe thinking about how I didn’t belong and didn’t even notice.
@@ProudlyAutistic yes, I think so. Low perception management and not really seeing myself as part of the whole. I remember the conversations being shallow, so that felt lonely. I didn’t realize when someone was making fun of me. I felt like the poor othered kid on women’s tri team. Stayed 5 years 🫠😵💫 I’m still proud of my accomplishments and proud of us for developing awareness and learning to take care of ourselves. 💓
One time I bought a used Suzuki Forenza car without doing any background research. Suzuki makes great motorcycles, but not cars. I still impulse buy when I get overwhelmed. I am currently trying to buy the first house I was shown because I want to get out of this marriage with a neurotypical person who has called me narcissistic everyday for a year and half. I find that when I get overwhelmed that I don't care anymore and just go with what feels right. This is my downfall.
Yes! This is totally what I do. Once I get my mind set on something, I just take care of whatever it is in the moment. It's rarely well thought out. I bought a used SUV awhile back with more mileage on it than I would have liked. I recently realized I could have gotten a new sedan for the price of the used SUV had I just took a moment to research. Unfortunately, it was a situation where my previous car was in the shop and the repair cost was too high, so it was an impulsive purchase. I do this stuff all the time, I hate it. Good luck with your divorce. It's a hard process but can be very empowering. FYI, I would be careful about buying anything big before the divorce is finalized. At least talk it through with an attorney. That kind of stuff can come back to bite you, either because they then want to claim the asset and/or it looks like you're trying to limit funds available to them in the settlement. I'm saying this from experience, just be careful and talk to an attorney. Many do free consults.
Yes, Another hard lesson learned! Had to postpone the closing of the new house by a month. I might need to rent the new house for a month just to find a place to live. Don't put a house under contract until you are divorced!! Karen is correct about this. My attorney confirmed: Your soon to be ex-spouse can go after the new property as an asset until the divorce is finalized. .
because of these issues with bills and money, I just never buy things, never had a mobile phone, I have the strict minimum, which suck because I could afford a better quality of life but I'm kind of traumatized to buy anything,
This is where I'm getting. It's a difficult place to be, to work hard, have a good job, but feel like you have nothing to show for it. Not in a materialistic way. Just that you work hard and it doesn't stop the struggle.
@@ProudlyAutistic I was always trying to be better, more skilled, know more, get more qualified. as if I'm eternal and that I have to know everything. I gave up. Now I only focus on the journey, not the destination. It help me. so I do physical activity which is good for my health and well being, instead of trying to be better.
I got my lessons as teenager when I bought computer who got obsolete after 6 month and then got a new one, I felt so bad that I just avoid buying anything other than for basic need, even 25 years later. I just get the cheepest of evertything and i also took from street border garbage and friends fot my furnitures, my bed mattress is the same as 25 years ago, super stiff, my bike is the one I had as teenager, my clothes is 10 year old, I hate so much buying stuff, so with this lifestyle I accumulated lots of money I dont use, which is great i guess....
I guess. Seems like you have some trauma. There's probably a middle ground that can be found. Perhaps enlist a financial planner so that you can feel comfortable getting those things that tend to your self care (which is important!) while also respecting your financial boundaries?
@@ProudlyAutistic It think my problem is more relates to executive function, choosing what to buy, going out in a store or setting my things up to buy online. last time I went in a clothe store the music was too loud and I just turned back. I tried last year and I got socks, underwear, a pan, a tshirt and a pillow. it was hard, I think I need to wear ear protection against the noise. ok I'll make a list and get stuff like a toilet seat, a sink, pants and tshirt , hair dryer, razor, more underwear but the right size this time. thanks,
ive been assigned for a few week to implement a special combat system in a game and the day I had to present it, about a month later, I couldnt find the files. it was so awkward,
I'm sorry. I've done things like this. The worst part is when others come to expect your fumbles and start managing you. It makes you feel like a failure. For example, I had a boss that would give me arbitrary deadlines. I would stay up late or work through vacation to finish them, only to find the deadlines didn't matter. He just wanted to make sure it wasn't done at last minute. I understand why he did it, but it hurt.
Stopped my meds for a little cause things going well so why do I need them right?! 😅 Forgot to pay my credit card bill and bought the wrong charging cable for my phone. Thats just what I remember, I’m scared to see what comes next lol.
Yeah, I hate being off medication. It mainly helps with inattentiveness. If I'm not on medication, I simply can't focus. It doesn't matter if I'm well rested. I pretty much lose the whole day. I think impulsivity will always be a bit of a lost cause. I try to be mindful, but it's such an effort. Add in the demands of being an adult and I slip.
How has the ADHD (or neurodivergent) tax impacted you?
@MalhausI never thought of it like that, but you're right. I do it too. I never haggle. When there's a garage sale in my neighborhood I put stuff in my driveway and label it "free" so I don't have to deal with people. I always tip when there's an option, even when it's not really necessary.
My whole family had undiagnosed ADHD for many many years, and we struggled so much financially. Even now, my parent has no retirement savings, and important purchases like fixing our sink and bathtub that have been broken for years keep getting put off, not even because of money necessarily, but because of the energy required to coordinate all of that.
Your honesty is so refreshing and appreciated. I'm currently in debt about 7k, finally got around to reaching out to a debt counseling service and got a plan in action. Took me over a year to do that. I have lots of alarms and reminders for things, and most of the time they help. I've been so traumatized by things I've missed or forgotten that I'm neurotic about it now which is equally unpleasant. And it doesn't help either.
I’m sorry, but you asked!
(*Are you kidding me?!! I had to retype this because I accidentally deleted it!!! Don’t even get me started on “careless” mistakes or I will freak! Deep breaths…) I’ve lived a lifetime (fortunately with a family!) of near poverty. In 2010, & 11 we were selling personal property to eat and got within a couple weeks of being homeless (My skin crawls at the memories!). Two college degrees qualify me to be the smartest guy in the room, but a maintenance worker who does the stuff no one else wants to do.
Even though my parents were narc/alcoholic/enabling/& neglecting (enmeshed with my father’s narcy parents/family) parents, and I had a sexually abusive neighbor, and I‘m AuDhD, I know that in many ways I have been and am fortunate to still be alive and have what I do have. But it is the many, many missed opportunities and dreams that lay untouched in the dust that cause me the most pain and frustration (*see above).
My work experience is similar to yours. I left a really great, high paying career years ago due to burnout. I didn't understand that, that was the reason at the time. Ever since then, I've made stupid mistakes, and I haven't found the same career situation since.
My life. All of it. And this is so hard to explain to someone who says: Just budget. Just call the credit card company and negotiate. Just pay your bills as they come in.
I feel like I ruin and mess up everything I do. Thanks for such an honest video.
Thank you for this comment. This is why I added the part at the end. I think all of us know what we're "supposed" to do, just like we often know how we're "supposed" to interact socially. It's the implementation that seems impossible, because, you know, we have a different neurotype. All the tips and tricks in the world will not change our neurotype, which is why I'm hesitant to go down that road.
Nice video! Definitely relate. I lost a couple thousand last year due to poor sense of money. I was on holiday and didn't expect it to cost much because the food and accommodation were free. I only bought one bag of toiletries and snacks beforehand. But it all added up. The audiobook subscription, the new flip-flops, the couple nights of eating out, the impulse detours, the pharmacy visit, the transport... I kept looking through my bank statement over and over, but it was all correct. I spent 2000 on random little things that just added up in the end. It really sucks.
Though regarding canceling subscriptions, I would say that a lot of companies just have inaccessible subscription policies. So it's not just that we're forgetful, we are also denied accessibility. It's not hard to implement better policies but they won't because it makes them money.
This is all very relatable! I have been fired for "over stapping bounds" when I just thought I was showing initiative. This happened twice! I am lucky that I am very organized. But, in order to be so, I have limited my ambitions.
I am intelligent but I will never be "successful ". I have learned to be o.k. with that. I can not, however, figure out a way to be realistic with my aspirations. I go all in and buy way too many tools and materials for hobbies I might not even like. Yup, I would buy that top of the line bike too, and ride it only once! I don't get upset anymore though. This is MY life and I choose not to judge myself!
Yes, I haven't been outright fired for overstepping but it contributed to my termination.
I think I need to do a video on that internal struggle between ambition and ability. I hate that we have to choose between challenging ourselves intellectually and caring for our mental health. I wish we could have both.
@@ProudlyAutisticThat would be interesting
I would really welcome a video on this topic, I think it's one of the biggest battles I have with myself, ambition over ability versus reality. I also would welcome more videos on possible solutions to the problems we face, it can't hurt and at best might create something unexpected from that "outside the box" thinking we haven't actually thought of yet! 😀
I tend to impulsively by clothing. Online and at thrift stores. Now I have way too much and it is overwhelming, but it is also overwhelming to go through and declutter it. I am constantly dealing with my clothing, wasting time, energy, and being stressed out about it. I have done this for ages but the difference is that years ago it was easy to resell it online and now it is nearly impossible.
Have you tried the physical resale stores, like Pluto's Closet, Buffalo Exchange, and Uptown Cheapskate?
They are still trying to screen out a lot of the Temu/Shein stuff, unless it is a unique piece.
@@TwisterTornado I do not live anywhere near one of those stores. There is a non-chain store like that in a town near me but the wait list for an appointment to sell/consign with them is close to a year wait.
Donate to a shelter or org that helps others . Now you have a warm fuzzy and closet space
How is it that your choice in topics are always so on point with what is going on in my life?!
Glad you're finding it relatable, that's my goal 💛
I can relate to this 100% I'm diagnosed with both too. In the UK we have Direct debit which is excellent for monthly budgeting but easily forgotten and cause loads of anxiety if they're not monthly.
I assume this is an autopay/auto draft feature? I have such a hard time with these when they're for anything other than routine bills. I consistently pay way too much because I forget about it.
I've literally misplaced cash in the value of thousands of dollars and found it months later... multiple times.
Most of my expenditures are getting taken for a ride unfortunately...
Wow! Yeah, even though they lead to burnout, I've intentionally sought high paying jobs to account for my money mismanagement. It was easier to make more than try to correct the behavior. I'm finally to the point that I've gotten a financial planner because I need help.
@@ProudlyAutistic Me too. I actually was a financial planner for the same reason, but can't follow my own advice.
I'm repeating myself, but once again this is a very good set of topics.
My approaches or partial solutions to these problems were:
1. Whiteboard to buffer all impulses. Only when, after days or weeks, your head says: “Yes, you want and need that,” then something is purchased.
2. Find a well-paid area of responsibility that fulfills you thematically, become really good at it and free yourself from permanent positions.
3. A second whiteboard for work items with keywords and references (for example to appropriately designed folders, digital or analogue) can have a lot of impact.
4. Belief in yourself.
5. The financial difficulties are ALSO the result of a long-broken and dysfunctional financial system, so don't take all of it on your own shoulders.
6. No subscriptions if possible.
Cluttered house, can't find things that you know you have, labeled as stupid or lazy, marginalized, lack of interest, difficulty maintaining relationships and addiction issues😢.
This hit close to home! One thing I’d add is simply that what we can do lies in the realm of stopping (more realistically: reducing) negative self-talk. You referred to some decisions as “stupid”, which might be the case in the moment…but I’d challenge you. It takes a really intelligent person to be able to sit with the discomfort of making a “bad” choice and then to nevertheless try and be kinder to ourselves and make improvements.
Some therapists talk about “bridge statements”, there are several videos here on UA-cam, and for me, realizing my “stupidity” is more a matter of self-talk and a skewed perspective than an outright fact has helped a TON in confronting the ADHD tax. Am I still in debt? Sure. Does it feel any better? No. Do *I* feel better about it? Kind of
Good advice, thank you 💛
14:45 It's important to start the discussion about possible solutions and approaches. Again, will each suggestion be feasible or viable? Maybe or maybe not. The issue at hand is that we need to systematically consider all available avenues to navigate through these challenges, and then each of us has to use trial and error to determine which of the proposed solutions (or some as of yet undiscovered alternative) actually works for us at an individual level. Experimentation will be required here and necessary always as we consciously and intentionally seek to improve our lives, so rather than shying away from it, we need to embrace the discomfort of finding what actually works for us.
Your comments on this thread are so positive and helpful. Thank you!
I put everything in my calendar app which is connected to my smart watch since I frequently forget my phone. I put all my bills on autopay. I do regular cardio, avoid sugar, and don’t drink alcohol or caffeine. I have a bedtime routine and eat healthy. Still ADHD, but it has become a whole lot easier to manage when I do the things I mentioned above. It’s not a perfect system but I haven’t been late to an appointment or forgotten to pay my bills in years.
Great advice. I'm dealing with depression and burnout which I think makes everything so much worse. I'm fighting hard to get my self care routine back, which should make everything better.
4:04 Yes, but this experience happens so frequently due to the lack of knowledge and preparation when it comes to negotiating what you are available for and what you are not. We always need to cultivate discernment about what "opportunities" are not a good match for us and will ultimately hinder our progress and adversely impact our health and well-being.
11:46 Yes, that happens, so anticipate it. Cut down on visits to mental health professionals and use that money to hire assistants. By temporarily diverting funds to higher impact purchases and services, you will end up saving money and lowering your stress levels significantly.
8:19 Because you are living in the regrets of the past versus moving in the new desired direction for the future. From now on, if I paid interest, I will be grateful because I was able to access things that I needed in the moment that made my life easier, and I will pay off my debt as soon as possible. I will also proactively take steps to minimize impulsive purchases by being more mindful of how I spend money and what triggers me to buy stuff I can buy at a later time. I will also see what other support I can get in case I need help with accountability.
Again, the key step here is to starve out self- recrimination and direct your focus and attention to solutions and taking consistent baby steps day after day. As you build this practice, it will become second nature.
The job thing, in so many ways. I recently took a job making less than what I was because of the constant stress. And I'm pretty sure that the only reason I got that job was because my new boss is a former coworker. (It works out great for both of us - I have significantly less stress and she has a hard-working, overqualified employee.)
Another thing that you didn't directly mention is failing big time whenever there is a human salesperson. Not only am I a people-pleaser, but it's fairly easy to sway my opinion on things that I know nothing about. Example: The last time we bought a car, I misunderstood what the warrantee meant and ended up spending a couple thousand extra dollars on something that is of practically no use. But the salesperson said I needed it, so I believed her and got the platinum plan. Costly and embarrassing. The only solution I know for this one is avoidance - and if I can't avoid talking to a salesperson, I make sure to bring someone else with me that isn't such a sucker.
Yeah the job issue is frustrating. I hate having to choose between earning what I'm worth (but it means chronic burnout) or undervaluing myself to save my sanity. It's an unfair choice.
I did touch lightly on the salesperson issue, but you're right I could have said more. With the bike shop, the guy just selected a bike for me and I didn't question it.
9:38 Yeah, do not enroll in those ever. It's bad practice to set payments and forget them. You want to set aside time every week AND every month to monitor different aspects of your finances with regularity. This is an aspect of financial health and well-being.
7:13 For these, you need to explore other solutions and accept that you may not get things done the way others do it. Personally, I would save all of the documents on my phone, on the cloud, in my email, and my desktop or laptop, and I would print them an hour or so before the meeting at work or send it to everyone for them to print later in case the printers were down. I would avoid printing them at home if at all possible as that increases opportunities for mishaps.
Great video. I can relate to this. But had not realised the connection with my neurodivergence.
Thank you, it now makes so much more sense
These service contracts are designed this way for a reason. Many people fall for it.
I worked in Germany for a year and they sell a train card for a year to get reduced tickets. For some reason I got a premium card 3 weeks later. When I quit the job a year after I started I also cancelled the train card which auto-renews after a year. I cancelled it within 11 months of the card date, but the contract didn't start with the card date of the premium card but that of the regular card that got replaced by the premium card. Luckily I had no need for Deutsche Bahn and didn't pay and they didn't try to bring it in from a foreign country.
debt? i just think of it as being a pirate with a huge bounty on my head. who's to say i'm not? 🏴☠️
😂
Ahoy matey! The bank is ready to make me walk off the plank at this point! Arrgh!
OMG!!! Thank you for doing this video and letting me know that I’m not alone, I could’ve literally done this video myself because it’s so describes me and my dysfunction and how I end up upset and angry and
, at the same time for buying and doing things I know I shouldn’t.
....but it always makes so much sense in the moment 🤦♀️😆 glad this helps 💛
These are all true. The job issues are so true, I had an office/field job, but due to a lack of work, a couple people were laid-off, including me. I've had periods of unemployment, and underemployment, but I had a full-time job for a year until the layoff occurred. At my old workplace, favoritism was real there, and I was not one of the favorites, because I thought differently, viewed things from a more emotional, perspective and went against the norms. The Disorganization at work was also true, with my computer and everything, very disorganized.
Good video!!!!
I've had similar experiences at work. My unique way of thinking is appreciated, but often I'm the first to go for not playing into the politics and being too honest.
5:33 You need systems in place and/or assistance and additional support so that this situation does not repeat itself. It's not productive nor helpful to chastise yourself. Acknowledge that this is a challenge you are facing, forgive yourself for struggling with this, and look for nonstandard solutions that you haven't considered before. Find something that works for you. Perhaps get someone to help you organize the tools after working on the project and have a checklist on the phone. Treat this as an area of your life that requires extra support and care for the time being rather than a defect. It will free up more energy that you are directing at self-flagellating, which has proved ineffective.
3:34 Oh, in this case, you need to spend time honing your interview and negotiation skills.
If a company is low-balling you and unwilling to pay you what are capable of corroborating with your work, you need to walk away. Full stop. Politely tell them that you are looking for something else, and thank them for the interview experience and cordially offer that perhaps a future opportunity for collaboration may present itself. Then, keep looking.
These are expectations and boundaries you need to set up with yourself ahead of time. Your vital life force energy is precious, and a much better fit exists that won't burn you out nor leave you depleted and underemployed. Settling out of desperation works against you in both the short and long term.
We tried working with a CPA. Turned out that I had to sign a document and because the way they communicated that to me did not result in me signing it, I was fined $2K by the government. I will never use a CPA again.
I have signed up for services for people with ADHD that promised that I would get my money back if I didn’t use it. Surely there would be a way to get my money back, as I never used it, but I don’t think I’ll ever get it back.
I’ve missed so many payments and am in so much student loan debt. Every time a payment system changes or I need to replace a lost payment card, it is so difficult to reset everything.
honest assessment. we are here with you.
13:57 Ah, yes, when that happens, make a list of these impulsive purchases. Then, start to declutter. Sell them even at a slight loss or give them away for free as a charity donation or something. Basically, justify it to yourself that you got the use you were going to get out of it, and do some spring cleaning.
A lot of this process is releasing guilt or shame and stopping long enough process the lessons you have learned about yourself without judgement and self-bullying.
10:37 Have someone help you with all of this. Get into the habit of texting someone ypu trust about these things and bills or send them an audio note, even if it's to complain. This will create multiple reminders of all of these details in a way that feels less like a demand that you wish to rebel against.
Relate a lot to what you have shared 💞🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💞👊
Everyone, ADD moment! As I reread my comment to Proudly’s question, I heard her voice in my head reading in a prose that is (mine) very different from her own. I can’t possibly be the only person who experiences this! Please. Someone?😂 Time to go stim!
For years i spent a lot of money on takeout food. This was because my jobs were always so stressful they took all of my energy and concentration. I also found it hard to do meal planning.
Same 😕💛
It’s kind of lonely but i don’t really need to associate with people that invalidates my condition. I went through a burnout that felt as if I was never going to enjoy life again. Now I feel enthusiastic to go out and keep up with projects, studies and enjoy time with true friends. I am 65 years old.
I'm in the same place. My circle of friends is extremely small and I'm ok with that.
Most of my job roles, I always get told I rake too long. The quality of work is great but I take too long which is frustrating. It at times feels like a there is a traffic jam in my head. My support network doesn’t believe about this, or brush it off as not a big deal. I don’t know how to fix this but I know it holds me back
I often feel the same way, as if I'm mentally stuck. I also have a big problem with finishing tasks. I get them so close, but can't quite finish. It's definitely a problem with employers. Having proactive bosses that keep you accountable with regular check-ins can help keep you on track and not feel bad for asking questions when you feel stuck.
I’ve been overdrafted paying my mortgage out of my savings account (no overdraft protection for savings, only checking) once for literally $.02…..(yup!! 2 cents) because I “mathed” wrong, ugh.
I’ve also overdrafted (again, savings) because I read the balance as the available balance so I was $25 short since $25 is needed to keep the checking account open. I’ve done this twice 😬
I have two degrees (not in math obviously 😂) and didn’t realize until recently these kinds of things were my undiagnosed neurodivergence (likely AuDHD).
I also (often!) throw away things that are important (medicine, papers…) 🫤
Yeah, I've done stuff like this. Usually with auto draft. Not realizing a bill was about to deduct and overdrafting. The more depressed/overwhelmed I am, the worse I am with monitoring my account, so that doesn't help either.
I throw away and misplace important things all the time. Have you ever heard the little voice in your head say "that's a really weird place to put that, you won't remember where you put it." and then you continue to put it there anyway? Yeah 🤦♀️
I have a great resume that is more of a train wreck than a success. I spend more time fitting in than being able to work for a job.
So as a quant ADHD-er I kind of hyperfocus on getting the best value on things, but I buy more than I should and have a bit of clutter, especially in my library and my hobby electronics lab. I avoid debt at all costs though. I am thankful I can hyperfocus on finances. Only once did I get a late payment on my credit record.
Also I have issues at work too! People get mad because I need very clear instructions to get started on tasks. One tip: get ADA Accommodations! Employers may treat you like garbage, but you can sue if fhey retaliate against or fire you! Do not let your work bully you and take no prisoners!
Remember we are talented in unique ways! I was shocked to see my neuropsych report. I performed poorly on simple tasks, and yet excelled on ones that require divergent thinking, complexity, and creativity... hmm... I bet many of you can sympathize.
We are talented, wonderful people ❤
😆 the triathlete and fancy bike! I spent a decade hanging onto that fixation and burned my body out. Paying for it dearly now. Wasn’t diagnosed yet, now I cringe thinking about how I didn’t belong and didn’t even notice.
I assume you didn't notice because you were hyperfocused on your hobbies? I was more or less the same. Lonely, but didn't really understand why.
@@ProudlyAutistic yes, I think so. Low perception management and not really seeing myself as part of the whole. I remember the conversations being shallow, so that felt lonely. I didn’t realize when someone was making fun of me. I felt like the poor othered kid on women’s tri team. Stayed 5 years 🫠😵💫 I’m still proud of my accomplishments and proud of us for developing awareness and learning to take care of ourselves. 💓
Me always
It's like I'm listening to my doppelganger lol. EVERY TIME. I call NSF fees a poor tax. it seems so unjust.
Definitely agree with NSF fees! Fining people for not having money 🤦♀️
One time I bought a used Suzuki Forenza car without doing any background research. Suzuki makes great motorcycles, but not cars. I still impulse buy when I get overwhelmed. I am currently trying to buy the first house I was shown because I want to get out of this marriage with a neurotypical person who has called me narcissistic everyday for a year and half. I find that when I get overwhelmed that I don't care anymore and just go with what feels right. This is my downfall.
Yes! This is totally what I do. Once I get my mind set on something, I just take care of whatever it is in the moment. It's rarely well thought out. I bought a used SUV awhile back with more mileage on it than I would have liked. I recently realized I could have gotten a new sedan for the price of the used SUV had I just took a moment to research. Unfortunately, it was a situation where my previous car was in the shop and the repair cost was too high, so it was an impulsive purchase. I do this stuff all the time, I hate it.
Good luck with your divorce. It's a hard process but can be very empowering. FYI, I would be careful about buying anything big before the divorce is finalized. At least talk it through with an attorney. That kind of stuff can come back to bite you, either because they then want to claim the asset and/or it looks like you're trying to limit funds available to them in the settlement. I'm saying this from experience, just be careful and talk to an attorney. Many do free consults.
Yes, Another hard lesson learned! Had to postpone the closing of the new house by a month. I might need to rent the new house for a month just to find a place to live. Don't put a house under contract until you are divorced!! Karen is correct about this. My attorney confirmed: Your soon to be ex-spouse can go after the new property as an asset until the divorce is finalized. .
because of these issues with bills and money, I just never buy things, never had a mobile phone, I have the strict minimum, which suck because I could afford a better quality of life but I'm kind of traumatized to buy anything,
This is where I'm getting. It's a difficult place to be, to work hard, have a good job, but feel like you have nothing to show for it. Not in a materialistic way. Just that you work hard and it doesn't stop the struggle.
@@ProudlyAutistic I was always trying to be better, more skilled, know more, get more qualified. as if I'm eternal and that I have to know everything. I gave up. Now I only focus on the journey, not the destination. It help me. so I do physical activity which is good for my health and well being, instead of trying to be better.
I got my lessons as teenager when I bought computer who got obsolete after 6 month and then got a new one, I felt so bad that I just avoid buying anything other than for basic need, even 25 years later. I just get the cheepest of evertything and i also took from street border garbage and friends fot my furnitures, my bed mattress is the same as 25 years ago, super stiff, my bike is the one I had as teenager, my clothes is 10 year old, I hate so much buying stuff, so with this lifestyle I accumulated lots of money I dont use, which is great i guess....
I guess. Seems like you have some trauma. There's probably a middle ground that can be found. Perhaps enlist a financial planner so that you can feel comfortable getting those things that tend to your self care (which is important!) while also respecting your financial boundaries?
@@ProudlyAutistic It think my problem is more relates to executive function, choosing what to buy, going out in a store or setting my things up to buy online. last time I went in a clothe store the music was too loud and I just turned back. I tried last year and I got socks, underwear, a pan, a tshirt and a pillow. it was hard, I think I need to wear ear protection against the noise. ok I'll make a list and get stuff like a toilet seat, a sink, pants and tshirt , hair dryer, razor, more underwear but the right size this time. thanks,
ive been assigned for a few week to implement a special combat system in a game and the day I had to present it, about a month later, I couldnt find the files. it was so awkward,
I'm sorry. I've done things like this. The worst part is when others come to expect your fumbles and start managing you. It makes you feel like a failure. For example, I had a boss that would give me arbitrary deadlines. I would stay up late or work through vacation to finish them, only to find the deadlines didn't matter. He just wanted to make sure it wasn't done at last minute. I understand why he did it, but it hurt.
Stopped my meds for a little cause things going well so why do I need them right?! 😅 Forgot to pay my credit card bill and bought the wrong charging cable for my phone. Thats just what I remember, I’m scared to see what comes next lol.
Yeah, I hate being off medication. It mainly helps with inattentiveness. If I'm not on medication, I simply can't focus. It doesn't matter if I'm well rested. I pretty much lose the whole day. I think impulsivity will always be a bit of a lost cause. I try to be mindful, but it's such an effort. Add in the demands of being an adult and I slip.
😮