Don't you dare take down the diagnosis video! I was so touched by that, and by this one. When you finally figure out something profound about your life, it's heavy. And it's true that you can't change your basic nature, but knowing that lets you focus on the things you can do. I have been masking for 70 years. I doubt that I can completely drop that, and maybe I don't need to. But anyway, thanks for sharing your experience and your insight.
That is so true! Looking back I'd say I used to put on up to 130 masks (essentially micromanaging everything) in highschool; and now, only one decade later I'm down to maybe 10% of that and I'm proud and happy and notice the difference in energy and my mental health - there still are only a handful of people I can completely unmask around; not always and even then I have to be very intentional about it. In short, I agree that it isn't always necessary to drop the masking. The last mask I keep on in most interactions is the way I phrase things as I find it very beneficial - and why would I stop using a helpful skill that took me all my life to learn? :D Wishing you all the best!
I still need to watch it! I LOVE your honesty! My UA-cam autistic community is literally all I have... ( my boyfriend supports me, but somehow doesn't want to hear or understand anything about my AuDHD...)
Courtney, you don’t sound aggressive to me. You sound assertive, you sound like you’re ready to fight for yourself. I love what you have to say in this video.
Nothing they said came off as aggressive to me! I am also Autistic but I never felt attacked or uncomfortable. People who get mad about us setting boundaries were benefitting from us not enforcing them 🤬
@@lelalu101One who gets mad when you set boundaries is expressing processing their emotions. It is different and change for them too. Let others express and process their emotions. If not, then their first reaction has been marked by us as the only and definitive thing. We don't want people to do that to us, we need to not do it to them. If after the initial emotions they listen, respect and work with us (as we also work with them), then we can come to a more balanced conclusion.
I had such a visceral reaction (absolute feral crying meltdown screaming pain) to your first vid of the series that I accidentally talked to my therapist about it, which led to us starting down the road to an autism assessment! so I'm very grateful the algorithm put it on my feed, thank you for sharing hope that helps to know/hear
26:36 Also, the “parts that make me autistic are the parts that make me unappealing to other people” got me. I spent a huge amount of energy making sure I never cry or show emotion, but that hit me so hard.
When I had my last meltdown, I was able to let a huge amount of that go. I've always tried to maintain that cool, coasting even when the sht hits the fan. I don't even know If I am at the point where I can say I'm free of the veil. But that one sentence really does summ it up. Those are the parts you literally feel like you CAN'T share. Like your body is preventing you from saying it or expressing it.
The mask exists mainly to make sure I'm minimally appealing/tolerable/acceptable. At least what I think people want to live with. It's heavy, I carry a lot of weight alone... I'm learning to let trustworthy people in more.
@@TheDivergentDrummeryep, I also had a major meltdown in which I was so vulnerable and it was the first time my husband really saw my autistic self. I see his compassion for me grew a lot from there.
@@viviane_casella The last one was really the first time I realized what was happening as it started to build. Now that I know, I let myself process it and let out whatever I needed to. I feel bad for my daughter (17) She was home at the time, and It was triggered by her. It felt like immense sadness that could only be described as the depths of despair that causes pain and aching inside you. And When I say inside you, I mean from your muscles, to your bones, right down to your soul. I'm still not sure how I feel about the situation that tipped me over the edge tho. There is a bunch of context to go with it, and you KNOW I WANT to put it, But I'll refrain ;) If there is any interest, I can do a video on the subject. I haven't really spoken to much on it, at least not on camera. Still getting used to that. I tend to do a lot of deep thinking, where I find relations between things that I have experienced, and how they play into the Neurodivergent brain. Big high five for sharing :D Also, I wont be mad if anyone decides to head over to my chanel and see what I have going on. Maybe leave me a topic req. Or song lol. I am trying to connect with more peers and try and form some community bonds. TIA! --Peace and Love @TheDivergentDrummer
In one of my follow up sessions with my diagnosing psychologist, she said “You may want to be very cautious about how you share this information and with whom. Ableism is very real and our political climate toward any perceived disability is problematic. Just protect your well-being and privacy!” I love that she was so thoughtful in that way. ❤
htklmi's comment was deleted :( I guess the chance to find understanding and empathy is greater when one is sharing its truth on paper or on the internet. When the focus is on the words and not the appearance, the look, the voice, etc.
I've started to take notice more and more of this in my surroundings since diagnosis. I remind my wife and kids this ALL the time. It's like I've trained my mammalian brain to look for it.
A neurodiverse person sharing their neurodiverse vulnerabilities with a "normie" has always ended in hurt and dissapointment for me. Immediate family, co-workers, doctors, all invariably react poorly. My choice is to mask around absolutely everyone or isolate myself. I've spent decades masking and I'm exhausted.
I so relate to the car crash analogy - before I got my diagnosis I told my psychologist that I've begun to realize that there's no fixing this and there is no feeling "better" - that is hard. There is a lot of mourning that happens - entire past rewritten and who you were in your own story is now different. I felt like I lost so many souls in my life because it's harder and harder to mask. Trying to not alienate people but I don't have the energy to maintain connections. And yes people don't understand - being yourself is a problem for others. And I haven't even come out to too many folks. Society isn't built for us so you need to navigate carefully. I support you. Screw them.
Thank you so much ,this is 100% relatable, I got my diagnosis earlier this year at 62, I genuinely expected that life would magically change and people would do some research and understand, sadly that wasn't the case , I appreciate your honesty it's real and if it means anything those of us that are experiencing the same ,we see you ❤
I experienced that too. Definitely had an expectation of things being magically better and there was a huge let down when that almost entirely didn't happen. I can say that about a year later, my best neurotypical friend stumbled into an understanding of autism and of my experience. And by that point, it was quite unexpected. A year later, I also felt like I didn't *need* her understanding with the desperation I once had. But it felt so good to be seen. I was eventually seen, and maybe not everyone will see, but I trust that some will in their own time.
I also thought I would receive support and love after revealing my diagnosis. I was wrong in some cases. After 3 years of experimenting in telling people/professionals I was Autistic I've decided not to disclose unless it's absolutely necessary. But personally, my diagnosis, set me on a journey of self love and acceptance.
I also thought I'd gain some understanding and acceptance from the people around me. Boy, was I ever wrong. Even my officially diagnosed friend scoffed at me because I wasn't as "difficult" as her son (and also, diagnosed 40 to never years after she was). I was so hurt and angry by her dismissiveness. But. I have started becoming more comfortable with unmasking a little more, but for myself, not for others. I don't think I'd ever disclose to some people, but I tend to out myself when I pushback against people using "on the spectrum" as a pejorative descriptive. It grates on me. That's when I speak up, and sometimes impulsively disclose to bolster my point. But some people will never know that truth about me. For some, it would just be another excuse to dismiss me.
Middle-aged late-diagnosed AuDHD here, two years post-diagnosis. I left home at 16 and quickly learned that my high intelligence, erudition and need for autonomy marked me as eccentric at best, difficult (or just an @sshole) at worst. There's no changing the underlying set of hardwired autistic traits and sensitivities inherent to my identity so the lesson I took from that (i.e. self-diagnosed eccentric) pretty early was to make room for the defiance that keeps me alive in a neurophobic culture. Ultimately (decades later) I prefer to be alone now because I don't want to give away ANY of my energy, and it's honestly made this the most satisfying stage of my life. My assessing psychiatrist suspected this may be SPD but I think it's just the optimal circumstance for any autistic person given the freedom to wholly and unapologetically put one's own needs first. If I die alone but for my cats it will have been a good life nevertheless, lived on my own terms despite neurotypical society's tedious obstacles and inept shortcomings. So: Be the @sshole the world doesn't want, but needs anyway! ✊ It's *their* loss that they can't see beyond their own neurotype; we don't have to accept their judgement or punishment for inconveniencing their privilege.
I see you fellow hermit. Shed dweller here. Covid started just before my Diagnosis, and I am in Telecom, so work from home has always been a thing. Just permanent now. That in and of it's self has had profound implications to my self discovery process. I, Much like yourself, am a Late Diagnosed, neurodivergent. If I had to call it anything I'd say i'm an Aphantastic, Twice Exceptional Neurodivergent. Exceptionally well stated! I've become more of a hermit since diagnosis. My location data would show I leave the house like maybe 2 times a week. Not that it was my goal, but I could see myself getting there. Society is a nightmare to say the least, and it's decline is proceeding with haste. Example: I HATE Banks. crooks. But the other side of that token, is that they are allowed to be like that for some reason. LOGICALLY it makes no sense. You can even provide proof of a the matter to them, and it gets disregarded. The willful ignorance is ASTOUNDING. The de facto standard is to just bend everyone over, and if they question it or ask for some lube, tell them to shut up and 'its like that because it's like that'. Rinse repeat.
Early life story is similar although I was ejected from my house at 13. I'm currently seeking diagnosis, as I've given much thought and countless hours introspecting throughout my life and I've never been able to reach an answer as to why I seem to be fundamentally difficult from a large portion of society. I've always been outcast simply by virtue of the fact that the ways and topics I prefer to engage in (a more deeply personal and emotional level than most are ever able to be comfortable with) it's made it so those I can communicate with and relate to are far and few between. I'm undoubtedly high functioning in certain regards, but I've never been able to maintain relationships in the "normal" way of hanging out with the group.
wouldnt you feel safe if a whole country just had autistics and ADHDers?? so you can live more freely. I'm sorry this world if in the majority neurotypical and we live by set invisible rules, its just the way it is. and neurotypicals will never understand autistic bc they literally cant think how a brain would be so different from theirs. in just two different realities.
Gosh, feels like I could have written this comment. I’ve also chosen to live on my terms. I just can’t with people. So I am a full time housesitter … cats are easier to deal with than people 😊
@@BetterNeurodivergentTravel Dogs are my spirit animal. I don't know what I'd do without my fur babies. They don't Judge you, they accept you for how you are and offer unconditional love and support. Cats are A-holes lol. They are more judgmental then people. Maybe just to me because I give off strong pack leader vibes like an Alpha dog. Soooo not an alpha dog lol.
My child has autism and I watch adults talk about their autism to try and understand more. Your video actually really helped me understand adult diagnosis. I can’t believe anyone would ask why you cried, I cried for the same reason when my child was diagnosed. I didn’t want him to have a life of struggle. I can only compare feeling to get my dyslexia diagnosis and finally realising I’m not just stupid.
Oooo the "oh you don't mask around me... Yes, yes I do". That is so relatable. It's almost easier to mask sometimes, for the reasons you say, because I don't want to come across as a B. But my natural tone and comfortable expression are interpreted that way, but I don't feel or mean any of it that way, it's just me being me.
I've been constantly labeled as bitchy, aggressive, rude, uncaring my whole life. This hurts me so deeply, because I don't see or experience myself that way at all! Since getting diagnosed autistic at age 60, I now understand why who I really am doesn't come across to people. For one thing, my facial expressions don't match what I'm feeling, and neither does my body language. I don't understand social cues (for the most part), and I often misinterpret other people's intentions. So not only do others not "get" me, I don't "get" other people either. It's always been this way for me. I've tried so hard to fit in, but it just never works out for me. That is why I have quit trying.
This video really resonated with me, a late diagnosed, 59 year old female, who has never felt like I really "succeeded" at life. I've never understood how or why people do and say what they do and say. Complete mystery. And I definitely cried when I got my diagnosis. I felt so helpless, misunderstood , cheated, and bewildered...and yes, relieved too. But there is no way to make my family understand why I feel the things I do. I'm not blaming anyone. It was the 60s and 70s when I should have been Seen as needing some help, but no one was looking at girls for AuDHD at that time. It wasn't even a thing then. So everything you're saying is so real and true. I feel this way too! I think many of us do... So, no apologies needed. Your disappointed, angry letdown is pretty common, unfortunately. Thank you for giving these feelings a voice that we can hear! Brave one ❤
I love this authentic grief response to your diagnosis Coming Out video + aftermath. Your experience (hopelessness of a car crash) is SO VALID and so NEEDED in the conversation. Thank you for challenging the autistic fantasy storyline of: (1) Diagnosis; (2) Coming Out/Celebration; (3) Unmasking; (4) Love & Acceptance. It is bullshit.
I was just diagnosed within the last month and literally saw your coming out as autistic video LAST NIGHT before bed. I turned on the tv and saw this video and clicked on it and now I read that it was only posted 5 hrs ago! How cool. I really appreciate how candid you are in both videos. I relate so much and feel like I could never put things into words. These videos are important. I want to be unapologetic and that's what you seem to me. Not offensive, not agressive, just being honest and it's needed. Thank you 🖤
I love the raw brutal honesty of this. Frankly, more allistic folks need to hear it. I’ve been through this. I’ve only known I’m autistic for a few years now, but it has thankfully been long enough at this point that I’m clearly on the other side of that onslaught of forced unmasking and pushback (and not being prepared to handle it) and basically reliving and remapping my entire existence around this jarring new perspective. It gets better, I promise. For someone like you, demonstrating the strength and awareness that you so clearly have, I have all the confidence in your ability to use this experience in the best ways possible.
like she said, allistic couldn't care less. they wont get that your brain is different and that you need more accommodations. their view of the world is not being autistic, they cant comprehend other type of living. maybe we need world separate. neurotypicals living just surrounded by neurotypicals and Autistic and ADHD living together and no one else.
Had the same wake up call. Tried to talk to people in my close circle and got very uneducated comments and got knocked down a lot. That is why people like you with your videos are so important. You inspire people to dare to be their authentic selves.
I don't judge people's initial reactions. Or their journey to understand. They or people with new information being given to them that they should be given understanding, time, and allowance for mistakes (as we would want for ourselves.) As I have allowed this, I also dropped any assumptions I had about anyone actions, words or intentions. Kept communication open. This created space for everyone to learn and grow. This doesn't come with lack of anxiety, stress, fear and uncertainty. All of that is still present. It is pushing through this while going through the process.
@@srldwg absolutely, but due to fear and anxiety still being a very present thing people like her are important because all that anxiety can cause one to lose hope and courage to be your true authentic self. Masking way to much due to this fear is so harmful to your mental health so videos like these are super important to help people feel less alone.
I get you, I’m 45 and just discovering my neurodivergence; that all the effort that I made to fit and “change for better” was pointless, I lost my real personality on the way, it sucks. Still in the process and crying with all the people like you that talk about this confusing and crazy experience, lots of feelings and rage for the lost time! ❤
For the record, I made it to the end! I watched your video as I was going through my assessment process, and it was really comforting. Thank you for sharing your journey. I tend not to be good at masking and ask for what I need. Conventional people don't like me, and I am okay with it. The trade off is that the people who do like me, like me for me. My biggest shift has been self-acceptance and being kind to myself about my needs, which I've always felt were just me being a diva, difficult, or too sensitive.
Nice to meet you. I like sharks.😊 I was diagnosed 4 years ago and had a bad experience coming out at 🍎. I got heavily discriminated against and won an EEOC case. My boss had an autistic son and I truly think he took his anger out on me. I lost all of my colleagues. Deactivated all my socials after a farewell on LinkedIn to my dead career. Family never cared and hasn’t been supportive, also went through divorce. Was called a fraud…for not knowing who I was and desperately seeking help 36 yrs. I feel like nobody valued my life, even caring in the ways they can, it’s not enough. Drs, parents, everyone in positions of power failed me miserably, especially the church that wanted to cast out my demons. I’m in adrenal failure now from burnout along with trying to manage health issues. I hope some of us get to a better place.
I know it's a very small step and you're a long way down, but ashwagandha is what helped me get out of adrenal fatigue. If you want to consider it. Best of luck to you. I can't believe how heartless people actually are.
@@Ayverie4 ashwaganda is contraindicated for Hashimoto’s patients. I’m on steroid replacement indefinitely. My adrenals are in total failure, not fatigue. Thanks!
Sadly, this is rarely talked about. How all these diagnosis and name tags scare people away and curse the people holding them, who were better off without them.
@@borntoslay3996 With all due respect, I'm sure you're trying to come from a well intentioned place, this is simply not true. All of us who were missed as kids suffer from some degree of traumatism, from failed parents and systems. You might be one of them for all I know, so I'm not spending a lot of time on this. What you are talking about is stigma. You may not be aware of all the work disabled advocates have done over the last 51 years to ensure we have rights and can enforce them. 51 years ago, it was illegal for disabled folks to even be seen in public. They called it Ugly Laws. This is the uphill battle we face to be accepted in society just because we are born differently. I finally realized recently how nasty republican christians are toward disabled people. This campaign opened my eyes to why conservative people say things like you just said. Why my family abandoned me and why my employer and friends were so shitty when I came out. Because of people like you.
This helped me so much I resonate with most of it. Ultimately it’s let me put less effort into some relationships, and some people I thought would be supportive have been “have you tried not being autistic?” But my spouse is learning. I’ve been breaking down recently and had to run errands, she made sure I had my good headphones and even brought a spare set for me. It’s tough, and I’ve lost close family. But coming out as autistic and meeting my needs has ultimately made it better.
@@bradraughley6206 If using a cane offends people with full mobility, the responsibility doesn't solely fall on the disabled. Neuro typical, doesn't mean kind by default. They can be annoyed and still be the a^^hole. The people that love you for you, might get frustrated sometimes, but its not a deal breaker.
is ironic bc autistic is genetic so one parent most be autistic and autistic would run in your family. so losing close family because of the diagnosis means they probably encounter more autistic family members but they are just mask up and they don't admitted.
I impulse send memes to friends whenever i see one that reminds me of a friend just to combat this. Otherwise i have to intentionally recall and turns out people are just kinda background aware of their friends constantly who knew not just reminded of them by external things.
I have literally lost friends over this, and I even tried to communicate that in person friends can be ideal in some ways. This was interpreted that I consider online friends second class citizens. It can be frustrating that both communicating and not communicating can both lead to similar results
I was in my late 50's when I found out I was autistic! I knew I was ADHD due to my son many years earlier, but full on autistic? I HAD NO CLUE! It was probably the most pivotal moment in my life, as it answered the question I had been asking myself my entire life, "Why do I always feel like I am on the outside looking in?" I was completely aware most of my life that I was different, but I had no idea why. It tore me apart. My life was miserable because of it--there were highlights in my life, like my children--but now that I know, I *finally* know why I am different! --I had given up hope being "normal" long ago. Later in life, I just wanted to know *why*. And now I know. I totally relate to you and feel for you! Thank you for sharing your journey.
Thank you. You are the first person I have found to speak a truth that finally resonates closely to what my autistic 'coming out' experience has been like (diagnosed at 36). Life itself being overwhelming is even more of an understatement now that we know. This too is my truth. Thank you.
I can truly relate to this. I was unintentionally diagnosed when I was 22 and ignored it until i was 35 as the world seemed to be more accepting of it but I wish I’d stayed ignorant. Like you I just get so mad when I feel like generalisations are made that go against my autistic needs, like team outings and let’s put the radio on in the office as it’s summer 😩. I used to think things that bothered me were just about preferences, I wanted things to be quiet, I didn’t want people standing so close to me or touching me in “team bonding” activities but now that I know it’s not a preference its an autistic need those things wind me up, whereas before they made me sad, now I’m mad. I also have forgotten how to do “normal” things like job interviews and small talk which I could always do before. 😭 I just want to put the mask back on but my diagnosis has put a giant hole in it and it doesn’t work like it used to.
Your first video was the reason I checked into getting a diagnosis. It was life changing for me. It’s been two months since my diagnosis and I still haven’t told anyone other than the internet. I’m terrified. “Why cant you just…” is something I’ve heard my whole life. For some reason it cuts deeper after diagnosis.
I don't know you other than through your Autism videos, but I DO care about you, probably more than I care about most people. You have been vulnerable with us, and that is incredibly powerful! Thank you for doing these videos. They have meant a lot to me as I'm going through a similar stage in my journey (though I'm 59). With almost everything you say, I find myself thinking, "Me too!" as my eyes tear up. FWIW, I didn't think this video was as dark or negative or scary as you were warning about. I found a lot of comfort. I'm self diagnosed. I started that journey 25+ years ago, but only in the last year or two decided that I was definitely autistic. I'm only now learning that diagnosing yourself is not at all the same as accepting your self diagnosis. And that blows my mind. I've seen several other UA-camrs warn people about coming out as Autistic; be safe, be careful. I thought I understood, but it turns out that I had no clue. I wish I had seen your videos before I started trying to unmask and ask for more accommodations; maybe my expectations would have been closer to reality. I think for the short term, I'm going to go back to my old self, masking more, sucking it up more. Unfortunately, my ability to mask and suck it up has diminished over the last 10-20 years. Why is it that I never thought to leave Autism out of the "why" when I'm asking for an accommodation? Why did it not occur to me to just accommodate myself (when I can), instead of asking for permission?
I constantly accommodate myself. I've got a bag of tiny accommodations for myself. I call it my disabled girl go bag, but it's really a backpack of little things that give me comfort. Earplugs, cooling patches, rx sun glasses, meds, stims, sweat shirt, water. I don't put up with bullshit, if it's too hot I don't stay. If no safe foods will be available I take my own meal. People assume it's food allergies, but sometimes I just don't wanna eat whatever it is that is planned. I don't ask for accommodations as such, I just let them know that I have these needs otherwise I won't be able to attend 🤷🏼♀️❤
I need to experiment with leaving autism out of my "why" also. On one hand, I expected people to whom I disclosed would be more sympathetic and understanding to my experiences and needs, whereas the actual instances of understanding or empathy have been *rare* to say the least. People have such stereotypes in their head that they either fight you on the reasons, or start being even more disparaging. And I still do disclose on occasion. But on the other hand, why shouldn't people accept when I say I need an accommodation or an adjustment? I know myself best, and I don't need any justification to ask for what I need OR for knowing things about myself and what I need. Maybe not mentioning the autism would get better results overall? Hmm. that's an interesting concept! I really appreciate all of these shared experiences and ideas.
I'm also self diagnosed and probably won't seek for an actual diagnosis. I started the process with healthcare providers a few years ago after learning that I might be autistic, but came to other thoughts while the process was in its early stages. The doctor even asked me "What do you think you will accomplish by getting a diagnosis?". I answered that while I might not get any help for my everyday life, I would get a confirmation that I have it, and could also tell this to my possible future children who might also be autistic. I also experienced dismissal of my own choices in life. I was going through things at the time, that led me into hurting the closest person in my life. I told about the thing I had done, and the doctor was kind of laughing about it, and said it could be very well because of my autism. It rubbed me the wrong way because I wanted to own up to my own mistakes. I learned that autistic people are seen and treated as children by some people, and thus dehumanized. At the same time I stumbled across a philosophy video that talked about the history of ableism and eugenics. I learned more about that, and while it is still kind of a silly idea to me, I thought that things might not stay as tolerant in society as they are today. Maybe one day we will have a fascist government that will decide to get rid of all disabled people, including autistic people. So I decided that the diagnosis was not worth the risk and backed off the diagnosis process. I also thought that I don't need the validation of anyone by having a diagnosis. Difference should be tolerated whether people are diagnosed or not. I also felt like I internalized all of the self-acceptance and awareness by simply learning about autism. I also don't like the idea of being defined by the diagnosis, as it changes how I see myself and how other people see me. I like to be selective of the people I trust the information with. The flipside of this is that I can't know for sure if I'm autistic or not (not that I necessarily trust that people would even be able to diagnose this correctly at the moment), and I feel like an outsider in the autism community. I want to be part of the fight for autistic people. Instead I feel a bit like a fraud.
This video helped me. Hearing you vocalize a bit of how I feel since finding out I have adhd and the reason I struggle was never in my control to begin with was rough. Realizing I’ll never get better was weirdly freeing but saddening. In many ways my biggest struggle was thinking about where adhd starts and I end. And I still don’t really know the answer
Hi Courtney, thank you for making this video. I faced these kinds of people too! It's so traumatic to learn that people just can't wrap their head around the idea of high masking autistic adults having legitimate needs and just chose to respond as it's us being inflexible and unreasonable.
The hope that one day it will get better. It's what kept me going for most of my life so far. But as the years kept going on my hope faded and my mental health got to the point where I was scared for my life. If things didn't start getting better soon, I didn't see the point of going on honestly. Much has changed since that point but now that I've been self identifying as autistic I've gained a bit of hope again (not a ton lol but enough). I'm easier on myself. I'm learning that I can accommodate myself and my reasons are enough for me. I ran into your diagnosis video just the other day. Feeling less alone is my biggest take away and that is major for my esteem.
Your description of expectations and the way it turned out is so relatable. I'm still very much in the middle of figuring things out after diagnosis and it sucks. I really hoped knowing the reason would make it easier to accept my difficulties, but if anything it made it harder up to this point. Especially the aspect of realizing those are forever things and I will probably never be able to change them just by trying hard. I really appreciate your videos, because knowing there is at least someone who has been through a similar process is very comforting (yes you are right, we are all a bit selfish). Thank you for posting them, because it clearly takes a lot from you to share these. I hope comments like this might give you a similar feeling of connection your videos give me.
So much of this resonates with me. The experience of “coming out” really carries a heavy emotional load, but also strips away the veil of positive expectations.
7:32 I totally turned the volume down when this segment came on cause I thought my PC fan was going crazy again. 😅 Thank you so much for making yourself visible! You were a big part of me going to get tested, and coming to terms with my Autism/ADHD diagnosis. It’s weird when you start telling people cause so many people are like “oh everyone struggles with that” and “you’re reading too much into your diagnosis” and stuff. And I just want to shake them and be like “no this is legitimately something that makes life extremely hard”. I missed the last few mermaid pod meetups in my city because I couldn’t figure out it how to take a shower beforehand and after the swim and I got too overwhelmed. I’m a 40-year-old IT professional.
I truly appreciate this video. You explain that you thought a diagnosis would unlock that unconditional love and support, and then your disappointment when it did not. I dont think ive heard anyone else put it that way but its perfectly said. Ive been wondering why it has bothered me when people find out my diagnosis and it just gets swept under the rug and most people dont care enough to even talk about it with me, the status quo just continues. This is it 100% and it hurts. I thought more people would be curious and want to learn more for the sake of our relationship but i need to work on adjusting expectations. Thank you for sharing your experience in such a personal and honest way ❤
I'm totally on your wavelength, re your comments. If anyone I care about, has any kind of health issue, I will research it, as I care and want to understand what they are experiencing but when I announced that I was autistic I realised that most people don't do that? They just seem to forget about it?
Thank you so much for this video!❤️ I got my autism diagnosis one year ago, and you have come to some realisation that I yet hadn’t. You have saved me from some much pain and exhausting mind spinning! And when you said what you said about the "service person" version, I felt so validated! That’s exactly how I feel, and have felt as long as I can remember! In the politeness and pleasing circus of society, where you always have to explain "why” all the time! Thank you so much, I feel so validated and seen🥰❤️ I hope your journey onwards will give you much more positives than negatives, and that we all at least will find peace with ourselves❤️
You have helped and are continuing to help SO many people SO much by sharing your experience and your story. You’re so brave and I’m so proud of you and I love you so much ❤
I don't know if this will help but here it is : It is not selfish to take more space in the World, it is not selfish to take the space that was supposed to be yours to begin with. You are not selfish for wanting to be true. What is selfish is people wanting you to be someone you're not. I send you a hug
💯You expressed my thoughts/feelings on this than I possibly could. Thank you. And Courtney, you're a lovely person and Finding your content is so affirming, Thank you!
You shouldn’t apologize or feel selfish. I’m 38 M and just coming to find that my constant downward spiral of mental health problems is due to my autistic traits. Figuring this out so late in life made me want to tell people not for special privilege, but to celebrate that there is a reason to the way I am. Thanks for sharing your story
I don’t think you sound aggressive, you sound fed up, and I can relate. For what it’s worth, it was cathartic to see the expression of frustration. as someone who’s currently debating coming out, the heads-up was helpful. A lot of people have responded to you the way I feared they would respond to me, and my instincts to just quietly meet my own needs may be correct. Sorry for the strife you’ve been through, and thank you for sharing. ❤️
Discovering autism in adulthood is a game changer that explains a whole life. Nobody could possibly understand this experience, it is so overwhelming and so unique for each autistic person. Your video was supper important to me and I resonate with everything you say. Thanks ☺️ BTW I love the way you speak.
I am sixty eight years old and just lately figuring out that I can very likely add ASD to my previous diagnosis of ADHD. I, too, am grappling with the realization that i am not ever going to "heal" and be able to do life the way other people do. Your videos have helped me tremendously. Thank you for sharing your reality again today. I am so thankful that I found you! Incidentally, I was playing with my new fidget toys while i watched this, and that is because you said in exactly the right way for me to receive the message that i needed fidget toys! Thank you, thank you, thank you! 💜💜💜
I am very happy that high masking autistic people are spreading more awareness. I am self diagnosed autistic and i am dypsraxic, have diagnosed adhd. Unfortunately i couldn't find any help in my mental health care system and i don't want to sell my whole inheritance to get formal diagnoses in another country. I don't come out on the internet saying stuff i go through but i expected to have some sort of understanding from people around me because thats the only thing important to me because my autism affects my social communication the most, and i argue a lot with my family especially cus i have real trouble reading social cues. I don't like how my parents deny my whole entire life, and come up with explanations for every autistic trait as if it's not. My dad said that i am highly sensitive person and that's why i am like this. And they think that i am making up stuff, sicknesses and illnesses but that's just pda. I don't like how i am not allowed to represent myself but other people are putting me in a box, telling me who i am, and speaking for me, as if they know me better than myself. Luckily i met a lot of other autistic people who don't have any support either, and we found each other, and we validate each other.
This video popped up in my recommendations and I really needed this so thank you for being so open about your situation ❤ I was diagnosed with adhd a year ago and they said I also had a "non specified social disorder" wich caught me off guard. Apparently among all the other tests they did some for diagnosing autism but they said I came out "too social to be autistic". I was so upset cause I had to practice all my life to get this good socially and still came out as awkward or insensitive. After months of researching books, talks and papers about autism in women I came to the conclusion that I was in fact actually autistic. I never thought of needing a diagnosis until now. Specially when Im not able to keep a job and have a awful imposter syndrome. I need some clarity about my situation and the assessment at least is going to help me know my self better even if I dont get a diagnosis. But I was actually terrified to be open about it in social and/or professional settings. So again thank you for making this video and being honest about the risks of coming out as autistic.
Im practicing just doing what I need without having to explain myself as well. Quite frankly, I dont really care if someone doesn't like it. Part of that is because I went through similar things as well. Friends who doubted and questioned me, told me I can't be autistic, unfriend/block me on social media, and avoiding me irl. The list goes on and it got to a point where I just decided I have prioritize myself sometimes and if others aren't willing to accept that, then maybe they dont need to be a part of my life anyway.
I loved it when Editor Courtney started editing the editor's insert edit, my brain was so tickled by this. Thank you for the video. I'm only here because you did the Autism content, I may have never seen your channel otherwise. Thank you for sharing your experiences, even the tough stuff is honest and needs to be considered by your audience, and might be the most important parts of what you share. It's easy to think, "I found my answer, I found my crowd," and think the doctors and family members would all suddenly give you warm hugs and be full of forgiveness and understanding... But the reality (especially in the U.S.) seems much more deflating. The health care system here don't seem to always care as much about the medical stuff as the money. Family members don't change their minds because you now understand. And some close friends will believe you just need therapy, or you're nuts. It is tough, and some of us need to hear this whether it's comfortable or not. I came to a similar realization myself about two months in; nothing really changed other than I understand myself a bit better. That helps, but it's not a fix-all.
I'm so proud of you for sticking through this and deciding to post it, you are so strong!! Thanks for the reminder to meet my own needs, I needed to hear that. You're amazing!! ❤❤❤
I discovered your channel during my own dive down the autism rabbit hole. I'm not the type that would ever be part of your pre-existing audience and am just here for the autism content, so I'm grateful enough that you have put out the autism content you have. Even for us low masking types, discovering autism suddenly makes a lot of people that you never would have thought were anything like you make sense, probably all the more so if you're high masking and your social circle contains a lot of neurotypicals. As far as your reaction to your diagnosis, I can understand it from an intellectual standpoint, and even empathize with it in terms of "Imagine if I were this kind of person and had this life history, what would I feel", but it is a bit alien from the perspective of my actual life experience: I was already certain enough that I was autistic by the time that I got my diagnosis, and have always had enough of an "I'm me, take it or leave it" attitude towards what other people thought of me, that there wasn't much change to my emotional state at the moment of my formal diagnosis. From what I've seen, that seems to be a fairly consistent difference between the reactions of males and females to diagnosis.
Your autism diagnostic video was awesome, I cried with you. Thank you for sharing with us, it's been very helpful for me pursuing a oficial diagnose. You do you girl, there is no problem on caring for yourself cause no one will if you don't(even the support people around, can't take care of us the entire time).
I've yet to watch the video, but as someone who very strongly believes they are autistic, and of course doing the research for a few years, and... coming across your diagnosis response videos, I was almost as emotional as you were. You reached out, and you touched me and a lot of people. It may not make you feel better, but you had a VERY positive impact on us. That can only be a good thing. Best wishes from Yorkshire.
This speaks to my soul. Only difference is that I felt like I was permanently broken, so I never had the hope of anything changing. Relief was my primary emotion, but there’s still a lot of grief somehow.
Cried with you. Sitting by your side and listening to your story, hope that you continue to find peace and strength to put yourself first and can find people to surround yourself with that will honor your needs and support you.
Thank you for pulling the thoughts out of my head and putting it into video form. Selfishly these are the videos I love finding and need for validation but also these help me in that I send them to other people who question me and say.. “listen to this, because this is how I feel” so you’re doing the hard work for people like me! Anyway gosh I hope this makes sense. Late diagnosed @ 28 and yea life has been wild seeing how people react to the diagnosis. Similarly I thought it would be more helpful for others to know than it actually has been. There are people that care but they’re unfortunately way harder to find than they should be. I too am still working on unmasking completely. I’ve got cptsd as well im attempting to heal from. It’s such a strange thing to realize the parts of you others don’t like so much are the parts you can’t change. I tried.. 28 years of extreme masking just to be somewhat accepted and it wasn’t enough.. never was going to be. Happy to finally start ripping the masks off that others made me feel I had no choice but to put them on if I wanted to ever feel happiness or acceptance. Simply being myself wasn’t okay for majority of the people in my family and life. They think I’ve changed in a bad way.. In reality I stopped masking for them.. and they all fell in love with my masked self. I’m either being dramatic, a liar or some other negative label.. when really I’m simply trying to do what feels right for me for the first time in my life and if that makes me appear a certain way.. so be it. I’m autistic and Thank God I am, because I lived believing I was truly an awful human being that was never going to figure out how to survive in this world..life was moving painfully slow and surviving each day was becoming more and more exhausting. Finding out I’m autistic saved my life and gave me a chance to finally slow down and figure out how to feel happiness for myself rather than supplying happiness to all of those around me. 🦆🩵
This video popped in my recommendation list, and when you talked about the coming out as autistic video at the beginning, I decided to watch it first, and then come back to this one after. I have to say firstly that…wtf is wrong with people??? Like seriously, I just simply do not understand how you could find something wrong about that coming out video. It’s literally YOUR video, YOUR experience that you were generously sharing with the world. Anyway, that’s one thing… Secondly, I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago, but I’ve been firmly believing for about 3 years now that I also am autistic. Getting diagnosed where I live cost a lot of money so I don’t know if I’ll ever get a proper diagnosis (I hope I do eventually) but we’ll see. I just wanted to thank you so so much for sharing your journey, it really does help a lot of people, me included. Videos like this make us feel seen and validated. When you talked about coming off as "rude/agressive" in the way you sometimes speak to others (when unmasked) ohh my god I don’t even know how to tell you how I have never felt seen as much as when I heard you say that. I am soo tired or having to fake smile and facial expressions and all that sh*t to make others comfortable all the time, because when I don’t, I have to explain myself and when I say I am autistic, it is not a good enough explanation for the majority of people in our society, so I have to explain why I am the way that I am in a way that makes THEM comfortable which is actually ufcking insane when you think about it!! So infuriating…
Im currently on the waiting list for an autism assessment and seeing your videos has really helped me process it better. It's refreshing hearing about other peoples expeirences and I feel like its something I can relate to.
I love how vulnerable you were with your diagnosis journey. I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m autistic and adhd. I will be doing all the testing in October. People don’t understand why you want a diagnosis. Years and years of feeling like you’re not enough or “there’s something wrong with you” or “you’re too much” etc. From what I have watched and read I fully expected you to have a hard time unmasking. It’s to be expected. There will be people who are not going to like the unmasked you. If so let them. I love that phrase let them. What is for you will stay and if it’s not it can go and some of it can fuck off! Keep scrolling bitches, keep walking bitches! I love that you’re being your genuine self and figuring it all out. Keep going, keep doing you.
The fact that you did a big reveal, and the world didn’t rally to accommodate you, is a relief. I don’t do that for other people. I don’t want them to do that for me. Imagine how much more stressful my life would be if I had to accommodate everyone else’s needs, in addition to my own. F that! I think the big reveal did something even better than that, though. It brought understanding and room to accommodate YOURSELF, and forgive yourself for the autistic traits that cause guilt or shame. That is the real accommodation. And the most important one, because it’s the only one you can control. Thanks for these videos. They are so powerful and raw and beautiful. It’s like you really are a fish-out-of-water mermaid (like a lot of us), and it’s great.
My firtst autism assessment is tomorrow, and your videos have been so helpful for me in this journey! I really appriciate hearing this side of things because even though it isn't the happiest, it's realistic. It's good to know Im not alone 💕
This was so helpful to hear! Thank you for sharing your experience with it and I’m sorry it didn’t go as well as you’d hoped. “To find out that everything that you hate about yourself and everything that everybody hates about you is actually because you’re autistic and not just because you’re an a**hole who just likes to piss people off” was my favorite part 😂 I swear I’m not doing it intentionally!
Call me insensitive I’m not particularly fussed but I watched both your opening up and the follow up now this (most definitely a new subscriber) You spoke openly truthfully, informative and structured you have helped me be less scared and actually want to do the evaluation! I’m not getting what people are upset about? You made a fabulous video! Keep rocking it 🖤
Fellow late-diagnosed, high-masking autistic person here… Thank you so much for putting into words what the past year has been like, and for making me feel seen. I was crying during your video and it’s been so healing just to realise that I’m not alone in this.❤
I thought I would outgrow the constant feeling of "needing to catch up", that somehow before the whistle is even blown I feel like I'm behind everyone else.
For what it’s worth, I really enjoyed watching your autism diagnosis video while I was in the process of getting a diagnosis myself, and it was one of the reasons I started documenting my own journey on here. I’m surprised to hear some people didn’t understand why you cried in your video; your reaction made complete sense to me and I empathised with you. I also strongly relate to that hope you had before you were diagnosed that one day you might be able to ‘stop being weird’ and that your diagnosis took that hope away. I did experience this grief after I got my diagnosis and I don’t hear a lot of late-diagnosed autistic folks talk about it; maybe because it’s a little controversial and not what people want to highlight, but it’s part of the process. There’s some mourning to be done after a diagnosis, and that’s okay. It doesn’t necessarily mean you regret getting your diagnosis or that you’re sad to be autistic. And even if that’s how you feel, you’re allowed to feel that. I’m sorry you received so much backlash. I have very few people around me and they’re mostly supportive but I was also overly optimistic about their reaction, and I’m regularly reminded that they don’t really get it (or care), and I’m the one having the make efforts to accommodate my needs. It hurts. The way I see the unmasking process is it’s not about taking off the mask completely for good; it’s about reclaiming some control over it so you can decide to put it on when necessary and take it off when you feel safe to. I don’t think it’s realistic for us to unmask completely in all circumstances in this society unfortunately. Masking is a privilege and some of us can’t mask or are ’high-masking’ but not always good at it. I’m terrible at masking but I score close to 150 on the Cat-Q test. My partner’s AuDHD and a lot more successful at masking than I am, and it does get him further in this capitalistic society 🤷🏻♀️ I have higher support needs and I’ll never get where he’s at in his career and social skills because I’ll never be ‘good’ at masking. I appreciate you making these kinds of videos where you’re really raw and honest, I think they help more than you know ❤ (I made it to the end of the video no problem 😊)
I feel (resonate with? am experientially commiserate with?) every. single. bit. of this. I am sorry your experience was such a rocky one as well, but I hope at least you've found some measure of self-acceptance and grace. (Honestly, it's only this, so far, that I can point to as a positive and a reason to keep pressing forward with my ND-iscovery.) You are totally valid.
Wow. Listen, it might have needed to come out in whatever way it did first, and boy you hit gold at 19:37. That is (to me in a way, sad) and SO TRUE. Nobody will ever care about us like we care about ourselves (in a healthy way, I think.) I truly do appreciate your honesty in this. I know it wasn't an easy video to make - thank you for the honest. I value people who ARE honest, especially if you are talking about something most folks aren't. You have my hella respect and mad love
I am one of those autistic people that watched your coming out video. I already had been diagnosed, myself, but it was such an inspiring and positive experience... even though I almost broke down emotionally from watching it. However, I relate to everything that you're saying in this video now, as well. I have struggled so much with even my personal relationships, like with my wife, although we've both been dealing with a lot of and it seems like all of that is getting better for us now. There were times where I was thinking... I wish I didn't know, again. I think about being autistic every single day... all day. But, I do think it is better knowing. Part of the issues, I think... I was getting to the end of my rope prior to my diagnosis... it's why it came up as a thought... and why I sought the diagnosis. Knowing helps me understand, when I can step back and remember that life has been pulverizing me for the past 10 years, like it never has... even though I have always had struggles. Yes, I always had them... but I think I had the energy to deal with the struggles... and I just don't now. I feel much the same way, though. I am not asking for things anymore... I am taking what I need with respect to accommodations. Is someone pushing me too far? I am not holding back... I am straight up telling them that they're not getting what they want. I now realize that both of my grandfathers were almost certainly autistic. My POS mother... undiagnosed autistic... AND narcissist (although that may have been learned from trauma... but she gave me too much trauma, too). My daughter and my grandson are autistic. I need to do things for myself... just for me. But also, I need to do them to show my daughter and my grandson that it is okay for them, as well. Now, I have been rather reserved about who I let know. I have let my bosses at my various jobs know, because I trust them (at least the ones I trust). My family knows. Certain friends know. Maybe once I feel like I have things covered enough financially... I will feel more comfortable to throw it out there to the world and tell them... if they don't like it, I don't care... and I had success despite them. We'll see.
Thank you so much for posting this video. I haven't bothered to get a diagnoses but let's just say that for me, it's pretty clear that I've been living with autism my entire life. Every little thing I learn about myself and how I tick is a wonderful discovery, especially when I find out that things I thought were personal failings are actually just how my brain is wired. So when you said about your friendships that you don't do a good job at keeping up on them because, "it's like you don't exist if you're not physically in front of me" that resonated deeply with me. I've said those *exact* words describing myself to people before and to realize that's part of how my brain works and not just me being a shitty friend...that really made a difference for me. Obviously, being a better friend is good and we should all try to do so, but like you said, we all give what we can.
Thank you so much for putting yourself out for all of us and througt that all for beeing that light we can see in our own darkness. For giving us reason to hold up this light and help others see it and shine as well. So much love. ❤
I’m 15 and only recently got diagnosed with autism this video has helped me so much, I’ve always felt like I never fitted in and I was too “quiet” once I got diagnosed it everything finally made sense but I was naive and thought it would get better straight away and people would put in the effort. I still mask most of the time because I feel like if I don’t everyone will end up leaving, it’s like I’m living a life of someone else. I’m so glad there are other people in the same boat as me it makes me feel less alone. Thank you so much for this video 💗
Hi Courtney, apologies in advance for the long letter lol. This is the first video of yours I’ve ever seen, so at first, I was like what is she talking about lol, but GIRLLL this is the most truthful video on the reality of ‘’coming out as autistic’’ as you put it; that I’ve seen so far!! Everything you said was spot on and I could tell you were holding back because there are a lot more unsettling truths that happen when you get diagnosed, especially regarding how it changes family and friend relationships. And if there is childhood trauma added its 100 times worse, because you end up getting into, fault, blame, responsibility and hereditary areas that are painfully challenging! One of the main truths that stood out to me that you spoke on is, how nobody cares, like yes, some people who are fond of you may at first show interest because it helps them to maybe stop secretly disliking things about you that they feel you should be responsible to change, i.e. coming across abrupt or rude or unapproachable to others. And it gives them answers and perspective on past situations and helps them to navigate where they stand with you. (this does and can lead to friends backing off though) But mostly people actually don’t care or don’t have the emotional space, capacity or time to care. Or they actually hate that you have a reason for your socially unpreferred behaviours and they don’t for their own. Let’s not even get into work and how atrocious that is for Neurodiverse people! It also exposes people whom for whatever reason have been or are currently taking advantage of you! And this is another reason why getting diagnosed is so important because it is actually a safeguarding benefit for you. To make you aware of how you can be more vulnerable than most. We all yearn for understanding of our selves and you’re correct unmasking is a painful process that leads you there. Worth it in my opinion though! It’s true your life ultimately will forever be changed and look different (including your memory of the past and how you understand your experiences.) But it will be your life, the way you need to live it for you, being unmasked and brilliant! The other point you made was how you came to a shocking realisation that your hope for a fix was gone, Which I related to on such a deep level!!! I would add to that, the lost hope of fulfilling some of the dreams and wishes we had for our lives and understanding our failures, maybe having a partner or children, maybe a certain career, a lifestyle or even just the type of friendships or family connections you wanted. All of a sudden you realise you’ll never be able to have them because the things you thought you could change to get there; you’ll never be able to do as an autistic person. Because unfortunately, we do have varying limitations and needs that don’t fall in line with a neurotypical life. (that’s not to say that everyone on the spectrum can’t achieve any of those things) And lastly because WOW this is a bloody essay! But there is a deep sadness for all the wasted time, effort and pain spent over the years trying to put your self in a box you unknowingly couldn’t possibly fit into and the internal wounds and scars that leaves. To imagen what could have been if we’d only known sooner and worst of all what horrors you may never have experienced if only it was different. On a positive note, you are wonderful, your video was wonderful and never hold back, if everyone else can say what they want you get to tell your whole truth! Much love to you and all my fellow Neurodiverts!
Thank you Courtney for this video. Thank you to all the commentors who have said my words, feelings and thoughts so much more eloquently and coherently than I would ever be able to. I am waiting for my evaluation appointment for my diagnosis and have been waffling about telling people. I’ve decided it’s not something I need to bother about. I’m 56 years old and have had so many changes in my life the last 10 years and was already reevaluating who I was, when the topic of autism came up about 6 months ago. I had absolutely no clue, but it explains a lot. I think my biggest exasperation is the now knowing that all the people pleasing, and trying to conform to societal expectations and whatever else I tried to do to get along with other people was for nought. I regret not being able to just be myself.
Thank you so much for doing this… You have given understanding to the insanity… and that is the best thing ever. You are beautifully unique… don’t ever change a thing. Celebrate you🎉
Thank you so much for being brave and selfless enough to put this video out there....I promise you it does help, a lot! I was diagnosed Autistic last year, aged 61 (I'm 63 next week). Like you I have had quite a journey since, from initially being euphoric and expecting to discover my real self and unmask, get understanding and support from others etc, to realising that actually people don't really care and they just want you to be exactly the same. I feel I'm now going backwards and that's depressing and makes me angry too, but basically we just have to advocate for ourselves. When I unmask I make people angry, but then I make people angry anyway, always have done. I have lost some friends since coming out, but I have found my neurokin and made some new ones. I am so sick of people pleasing and fawning, and I am trying hard to stop this, but after 6 decades it's hard and the RSD is severe 🥺...but I am trying and I will continue to do better at setting boundaries and protecting myself better, I hope. Thank you again and please look after yourself, you matter, we all do 🌈
Your videos have helped me a lot in understanding my own condition and being realistic in my journey of discovering it. Sharing your experience has enriched me and helped me make better decisions for myself in my acceptance. Sincerely, thank you Courtney!
Thanks for continuing to share your experience. I've grappled with whether to come out about my diagnosis to friends and family, and for now I've decided I'm taking that on a case-by-case basis. There are a number of people I expect wouldn't accept it or be understanding in the way I want them to, and I don't think that would help. Your experience is supporting my decision for now.
I am so sorry this has been your experience. My daughter was diagnosed when she was in her early 20's. It is a learning process for all of us and I expect it will be for a long time to come. We as her parents have chosen to find a therapist who helps us understand how to help her. I hope now that you have your diagnoses that you can find people in your life who are supportive. For myself and for my daughter I have chosen to share some of the things I learn with those family members who are not willing to make the effort to learn. And I will stand up for her when I feel I need to. Sending you a virtual hug.
This is the first video I've seen from you and I'm still watching. I really think you could benefit from looking into complex trauma. Having to hide our authentic selves is really isolating because authenticity is how humans connect. You deserve a great friend in yourself and part of that is standing up for yourself. That anger is an indicator that something is wrong. It's not you but the world won't do their part, I agree, we have to learn to communicate for ourselves in a way that people who do truly care will be able to hear, process, and respond. I wish you all the best ❤
I listened all the way through even your tone was scary because of your Autism. I am interested in learning about all the traits of Autism and know that extreme emotional disolays are part of it. What I came away with was a sense of having been mirrored an image of who I am and how I can come across to neurotypicals when I'm feeling intensely needy. You've helped me understand myself, because in our mutual struggles, I am you.
You're an amazing person, and I happily consider you a friend, despite us not getting to communicate much and never talking/meeting in person so far. Maybe one day we will, maybe we won't, but I still think there is so much good that you bring into this world with your videos and your candid nature and your talents, even through your darker days. We all have them, and we should all take time to acknowledge them, process them the best we can, and meet whatever needs we can that we learn about from them (via self care). I get misunderstood in my tones and mannerisms a lot, and I've never been diagnosed autistic, but my brain definitely works differently than most. Whether I'm autistic or not may never be determined, but I am determined to always be true to who I am in every way possible and put that forth into all I do. This probably ran longer than intended, & I'll cut myself off here, but I hope you read it all. Much love and happy swimming!🤗❤️
I found your diagnosis video about two months ago, which helped a lot to pursue diagnosis and just today I got the acceptance into the evaluation. So: thanks very much. It’s scary, with or without this video… which in fact helps me prepare and admit that I needed a bit of perspective on what to expect from other people. Of course you’re right, and what you say about people (including myself) putting themselves first isn’t new - so why would I expect it to be different this time? Well, because *I’ve* invested a lot of time and thought into this! Yeah, that’s going to work. Am I overcommunicating? damn right, and gladly so. Final note: loved the editing courtney skips, really worked
Thank you for sharing this and being so vulnerable and its so cool to get the kind of full perspective from one person at like two different times... And both are valid
I understood you. I feel like it breaks you as a person, everything you knew you were but had hidden, everything you were because that's what was deemed socially acceptable, the release out of a state of freeze meeting the needs of others.. fuck anyone that is offended by your authenticity. "you only get haters when you are doing something right".. your worth is not defined by others opinions of you, if they don't get it that's their problem, not ours 💛 thanks for being real 🫶
Please don't apologise! U are helping people out there I was recently diagnosed as being on the spectrum after years of feeling so different and not knowing why at all! Yes some people will look at it as bad cause they have a fixed perception of what being Autistic is too. I'd rather tell people I am but yes some people will still hate sadly I'm glad U have shared yr story with us ❤
I love the unapologetically saying no to things without needing to justify it with your autism diagnosis. My wife and I have been falling into the pattern of justifying our needs when trying to advocate for ourselves while trying to navigate bureaucratic healthcare system in the UK (no scheduled GP appointments, 8am phone call scramble). I don't think people who weren't accommodating before knowing you're neurodivergent would be after they've been told because they just don't get it. Thanks for your video. It's my first time seeing you. And I did make it to the end.
Thank you so much for this video ❤ Sending you virtual hugs. Indeed, late autism discovery is a rollercoaster. It's so good to see some authentic expression of the mess we find ourselves in. Sometimes people make it seem as though you just unmask and then you're happy. And it's not like that for many of us.
Your reaction to the diagnosis is perfectly normal. I felt relief & grief at the same time. Because your "future life" is over, but at the same time you can let go of the self-hate and the need to push so hard. If people don't want to take your needs into considerations after disclosing... those are kinda toxic in you life anyway. After I really came to understand myself with autism, I ended some friendships (after discussing it with my therapist), because of how they treated me and my needs in general. Some of the reactions towards my disclosure were very "gaslighting", so this opened my eyes of what people they were. Ending those relations also opens up the space for new ones that better suit you. This process takes months or years though, don't go ending all your relationships in one week! :P :O I also found that you can get your needs met without disclosing you're autistic. Most people don't understand autism anyway, and you'll just get hurt with mean and dumb comments. Nowadays, I just ask for the specific things I need like the example in the video: "I need to wear earplugs because it's too loud hear" and it is usually enough to get what I need. If they still push for more explanation you can just state a very clear boundary ( in a nice way) like "I just prefer a quiet environment (I use the "introvert" card a lot), and if you have a problem with that we need to both go sit/hang/be separate" (or sometimes if they refuse, I move myself to another room/place). But I found that usually if I ask nice in a clear way, exactly how I want things that they're just fine with it. Nowadays it's very normalized to wear headphones to listen to music whilst working, so heaving it on just for the silence is unnoticeable.
Hey don’t apologize for anything. You finding yourself is amazing. The fact that people have the audacity to treat you like that infuriates me. You went & found yourself & people are getting offended by that, that’s only on those people not you. Those people sound like narcissistic manipulative people that you probably should steer clear from.
thank you for this video! in Russia we now have problems with youtube but I've watched the whole video and it's amazing. your videos help me so much though I don't have enough energy to watch them all!
ugh, I'm so sorry. I totally get it though. all my kids are on the spectrum. While trying to figure out if my son was on the spectrum (Before he was diagnosed) I had the "ah-ha" moment that I may be also. I was labeled weird, odd, and quirky by friends (when I was younger) and family all my life. So when I told my parents and sibling I may be autistic the responses were "No you're not. yes, you are odd. you were delayed in speech and had all these other issues but you are not autistic." The desire to wish I could punch someone through the phone was so strong. I am in the process of being diagnosed. When you cried I did think I didn't get it but now that I am so close to getting an official diagnoses I can see myself crying. LOL. Cause seriously, you are being validated after so many years of people saying there is something wrong with you, then to feel like an alien cause normal doesn't make sense. Of course, you have the right to be emotional. Well damn! You need to take care of yourself, seriously F the attention hogs.
Love your channel. I just found it. You sound like me. I say many of the same things you are saying ( such as not an excuse but it is a reason)! I wish we could go to coffee (or whatever) together. You are a beautiful and important person just the way you are. Please always try to remember that when things get bad!!! I'd like to add: you will hopefully find as you get older that "NO period" is the answer for many older women. It gets better and better as we get older. Since my 50s, I have hung out with others who are a bit different for whatever reason and we have a really good time together. Others can go find someone else to hang out with. No harm, no foul.
Expecting people to just understand and embrace your coming out as autistic is the most autistic thing ever. We overshare, misread and misjudge social situations all the time. I think this is very common.
Your video on coming out autistic helped me on my journey to discovering I'm autistic too. I'm sorry this has been such a rough road. Thank you for being such a positive impact on my life.
Don't you dare take down the diagnosis video! I was so touched by that, and by this one. When you finally figure out something profound about your life, it's heavy. And it's true that you can't change your basic nature, but knowing that lets you focus on the things you can do. I have been masking for 70 years. I doubt that I can completely drop that, and maybe I don't need to. But anyway, thanks for sharing your experience and your insight.
It heavy and hard to watch but it’s real
That is so true! Looking back I'd say I used to put on up to 130 masks (essentially micromanaging everything) in highschool; and now, only one decade later I'm down to maybe 10% of that and I'm proud and happy and notice the difference in energy and my mental health - there still are only a handful of people I can completely unmask around; not always and even then I have to be very intentional about it. In short, I agree that it isn't always necessary to drop the masking. The last mask I keep on in most interactions is the way I phrase things as I find it very beneficial - and why would I stop using a helpful skill that took me all my life to learn? :D
Wishing you all the best!
I still need to watch it!
I LOVE your honesty!
My UA-cam autistic community is literally all I have... ( my boyfriend supports me, but somehow doesn't want to hear or understand anything about my AuDHD...)
Courtney, you don’t sound aggressive to me. You sound assertive, you sound like you’re ready to fight for yourself. I love what you have to say in this video.
Nothing they said came off as aggressive to me! I am also Autistic but I never felt attacked or uncomfortable. People who get mad about us setting boundaries were benefitting from us not enforcing them 🤬
@@lelalu101One who gets mad when you set boundaries is expressing processing their emotions.
It is different and change for them too.
Let others express and process their emotions.
If not, then their first reaction has been marked by us as the only and definitive thing. We don't want people to do that to us, we need to not do it to them.
If after the initial emotions they listen, respect and work with us (as we also work with them), then we can come to a more balanced conclusion.
I had such a visceral reaction (absolute feral crying meltdown screaming pain) to your first vid of the series that I accidentally talked to my therapist about it, which led to us starting down the road to an autism assessment!
so I'm very grateful the algorithm put it on my feed, thank you for sharing
hope that helps to know/hear
It really does. ❤ Thank you for letting me know and good luck on your journey.
26:36 Also, the “parts that make me autistic are the parts that make me unappealing to other people” got me. I spent a huge amount of energy making sure I never cry or show emotion, but that hit me so hard.
When I had my last meltdown, I was able to let a huge amount of that go. I've always tried to maintain that cool, coasting even when the sht hits the fan. I don't even know If I am at the point where I can say I'm free of the veil. But that one sentence really does summ it up. Those are the parts you literally feel like you CAN'T share. Like your body is preventing you from saying it or expressing it.
yeah basically dissociating instead of actually feeling your emotions.
The mask exists mainly to make sure I'm minimally appealing/tolerable/acceptable. At least what I think people want to live with. It's heavy, I carry a lot of weight alone... I'm learning to let trustworthy people in more.
@@TheDivergentDrummeryep, I also had a major meltdown in which I was so vulnerable and it was the first time my husband really saw my autistic self. I see his compassion for me grew a lot from there.
@@viviane_casella The last one was really the first time I realized what was happening as it started to build. Now that I know, I let myself process it and let out whatever I needed to. I feel bad for my daughter (17) She was home at the time, and It was triggered by her.
It felt like immense sadness that could only be described as the depths of despair that causes pain and aching inside you. And When I say inside you, I mean from your muscles, to your bones, right down to your soul.
I'm still not sure how I feel about the situation that tipped me over the edge tho. There is a bunch of context to go with it, and you KNOW I WANT to put it, But I'll refrain ;)
If there is any interest, I can do a video on the subject. I haven't really spoken to much on it, at least not on camera. Still getting used to that.
I tend to do a lot of deep thinking, where I find relations between things that I have experienced, and how they play into the Neurodivergent brain. Big high five for sharing :D
Also, I wont be mad if anyone decides to head over to my chanel and see what I have going on. Maybe leave me a topic req. Or song lol. I am trying to connect with more peers and try and form some community bonds. TIA!
--Peace and Love
@TheDivergentDrummer
In one of my follow up sessions with my diagnosing psychologist, she said “You may want to be very cautious about how you share this information and with whom. Ableism is very real and our political climate toward any perceived disability is problematic. Just protect your well-being and privacy!” I love that she was so thoughtful in that way. ❤
@htklmi On paper. On the internet. When you're in person and in the real world, nothing has changed
@@blade797yeah. Except. Yeah.
htklmi's comment was deleted :( I guess the chance to find understanding and empathy is greater when one is sharing its truth on paper or on the internet. When the focus is on the words and not the appearance, the look, the voice, etc.
I wish I was told this I told a family member who I didn't realise was ableist and now they are making my life extremely difficult....never again....
You shouldn’t apologize for “offending people” if you are speaking your truth. Never apologize for actually speaking the truth.
Truth. ❤
I totally agree.
I've started to take notice more and more of this in my surroundings since diagnosis. I remind my wife and kids this ALL the time. It's like I've trained my mammalian brain to look for it.
A neurodiverse person sharing their neurodiverse vulnerabilities with a "normie" has always ended in hurt and dissapointment for me. Immediate family, co-workers, doctors, all invariably react poorly. My choice is to mask around absolutely everyone or isolate myself. I've spent decades masking and I'm exhausted.
Huh? "Your truth" isn't necessarily "the truth". That just sounds antisocial.
I so relate to the car crash analogy - before I got my diagnosis I told my psychologist that I've begun to realize that there's no fixing this and there is no feeling "better" - that is hard. There is a lot of mourning that happens - entire past rewritten and who you were in your own story is now different. I felt like I lost so many souls in my life because it's harder and harder to mask. Trying to not alienate people but I don't have the energy to maintain connections. And yes people don't understand - being yourself is a problem for others. And I haven't even come out to too many folks. Society isn't built for us so you need to navigate carefully. I support you. Screw them.
Thank you so much ,this is 100% relatable, I got my diagnosis earlier this year at 62, I genuinely expected that life would magically change and people would do some research and understand, sadly that wasn't the case , I appreciate your honesty it's real and if it means anything those of us that are experiencing the same ,we see you ❤
It does, thank you. ❤
I experienced that too. Definitely had an expectation of things being magically better and there was a huge let down when that almost entirely didn't happen. I can say that about a year later, my best neurotypical friend stumbled into an understanding of autism and of my experience. And by that point, it was quite unexpected. A year later, I also felt like I didn't *need* her understanding with the desperation I once had. But it felt so good to be seen. I was eventually seen, and maybe not everyone will see, but I trust that some will in their own time.
I also thought I would receive support and love after revealing my diagnosis. I was wrong in some cases. After 3 years of experimenting in telling people/professionals I was Autistic I've decided not to disclose unless it's absolutely necessary. But personally, my diagnosis, set me on a journey of self love and acceptance.
I also thought I'd gain some understanding and acceptance from the people around me. Boy, was I ever wrong. Even my officially diagnosed friend scoffed at me because I wasn't as "difficult" as her son (and also, diagnosed 40 to never years after she was). I was so hurt and angry by her dismissiveness.
But. I have started becoming more comfortable with unmasking a little more, but for myself, not for others.
I don't think I'd ever disclose to some people, but I tend to out myself when I pushback against people using "on the spectrum" as a pejorative descriptive. It grates on me. That's when I speak up, and sometimes impulsively disclose to bolster my point. But some people will never know that truth about me. For some, it would just be another excuse to dismiss me.
I understand
I am with you on this
Middle-aged late-diagnosed AuDHD here, two years post-diagnosis. I left home at 16 and quickly learned that my high intelligence, erudition and need for autonomy marked me as eccentric at best, difficult (or just an @sshole) at worst. There's no changing the underlying set of hardwired autistic traits and sensitivities inherent to my identity so the lesson I took from that (i.e. self-diagnosed eccentric) pretty early was to make room for the defiance that keeps me alive in a neurophobic culture.
Ultimately (decades later) I prefer to be alone now because I don't want to give away ANY of my energy, and it's honestly made this the most satisfying stage of my life. My assessing psychiatrist suspected this may be SPD but I think it's just the optimal circumstance for any autistic person given the freedom to wholly and unapologetically put one's own needs first.
If I die alone but for my cats it will have been a good life nevertheless, lived on my own terms despite neurotypical society's tedious obstacles and inept shortcomings.
So: Be the @sshole the world doesn't want, but needs anyway! ✊ It's *their* loss that they can't see beyond their own neurotype; we don't have to accept their judgement or punishment for inconveniencing their privilege.
I see you fellow hermit. Shed dweller here. Covid started just before my Diagnosis, and I am in Telecom, so work from home has always been a thing. Just permanent now. That in and of it's self has had profound implications to my self discovery process.
I, Much like yourself, am a Late Diagnosed, neurodivergent. If I had to call it anything I'd say i'm an Aphantastic, Twice Exceptional Neurodivergent.
Exceptionally well stated! I've become more of a hermit since diagnosis. My location data would show I leave the house like maybe 2 times a week. Not that it was my goal, but I could see myself getting there. Society is a nightmare to say the least, and it's decline is proceeding with haste.
Example: I HATE Banks. crooks. But the other side of that token, is that they are allowed to be like that for some reason. LOGICALLY it makes no sense. You can even provide proof of a the matter to them, and it gets disregarded. The willful ignorance is ASTOUNDING.
The de facto standard is to just bend everyone over, and if they question it or ask for some lube, tell them to shut up and 'its like that because it's like that'. Rinse repeat.
Early life story is similar although I was ejected from my house at 13. I'm currently seeking diagnosis, as I've given much thought and countless hours introspecting throughout my life and I've never been able to reach an answer as to why I seem to be fundamentally difficult from a large portion of society. I've always been outcast simply by virtue of the fact that the ways and topics I prefer to engage in (a more deeply personal and emotional level than most are ever able to be comfortable with) it's made it so those I can communicate with and relate to are far and few between. I'm undoubtedly high functioning in certain regards, but I've never been able to maintain relationships in the "normal" way of hanging out with the group.
wouldnt you feel safe if a whole country just had autistics and ADHDers?? so you can live more freely. I'm sorry this world if in the majority neurotypical and we live by set invisible rules, its just the way it is. and neurotypicals will never understand autistic bc they literally cant think how a brain would be so different from theirs. in just two different realities.
Gosh, feels like I could have written this comment. I’ve also chosen to live on my terms. I just can’t with people. So I am a full time housesitter … cats are easier to deal with than people 😊
@@BetterNeurodivergentTravel Dogs are my spirit animal. I don't know what I'd do without my fur babies. They don't Judge you, they accept you for how you are and offer unconditional love and support.
Cats are A-holes lol. They are more judgmental then people. Maybe just to me because I give off strong pack leader vibes like an Alpha dog. Soooo not an alpha dog lol.
My child has autism and I watch adults talk about their autism to try and understand more. Your video actually really helped me understand adult diagnosis.
I can’t believe anyone would ask why you cried, I cried for the same reason when my child was diagnosed. I didn’t want him to have a life of struggle. I can only compare feeling to get my dyslexia diagnosis and finally realising I’m not just stupid.
Oooo the "oh you don't mask around me... Yes, yes I do". That is so relatable. It's almost easier to mask sometimes, for the reasons you say, because I don't want to come across as a B. But my natural tone and comfortable expression are interpreted that way, but I don't feel or mean any of it that way, it's just me being me.
I've been constantly labeled as bitchy, aggressive, rude, uncaring my whole life. This hurts me so deeply, because I don't see or experience myself that way at all! Since getting diagnosed autistic at age 60, I now understand why who I really am doesn't come across to people. For one thing, my facial expressions don't match what I'm feeling, and neither does my body language. I don't understand social cues (for the most part), and I often misinterpret other people's intentions. So not only do others not "get" me, I don't "get" other people either. It's always been this way for me. I've tried so hard to fit in, but it just never works out for me. That is why I have quit trying.
This video really resonated with me, a late diagnosed, 59 year old female, who has never felt like I really "succeeded" at life. I've never understood how or why people do and say what they do and say. Complete mystery. And I definitely cried when I got my diagnosis. I felt so helpless, misunderstood , cheated, and bewildered...and yes, relieved too. But there is no way to make my family understand why I feel the things I do. I'm not blaming anyone. It was the 60s and 70s when I should have been Seen as needing some help, but no one was looking at girls for AuDHD at that time. It wasn't even a thing then. So everything you're saying is so real and true. I feel this way too! I think many of us do... So, no apologies needed. Your disappointed, angry letdown is pretty common, unfortunately. Thank you for giving these feelings a voice that we can hear! Brave one ❤
60 years old, just diagnosed 8 months ago. I resonate with what you said, and feel the same!
Thankyou for this. This is how I also feel. Well said.❤
I love this authentic grief response to your diagnosis Coming Out video + aftermath. Your experience (hopelessness of a car crash) is SO VALID and so NEEDED in the conversation. Thank you for challenging the autistic fantasy storyline of: (1) Diagnosis; (2) Coming Out/Celebration; (3) Unmasking; (4) Love & Acceptance. It is bullshit.
"'No' is a complete sentence" - YES!
Gonna put fhat on a t-shirt
I was just diagnosed within the last month and literally saw your coming out as autistic video LAST NIGHT before bed. I turned on the tv and saw this video and clicked on it and now I read that it was only posted 5 hrs ago! How cool. I really appreciate how candid you are in both videos. I relate so much and feel like I could never put things into words. These videos are important. I want to be unapologetic and that's what you seem to me. Not offensive, not agressive, just being honest and it's needed. Thank you 🖤
I love the raw brutal honesty of this. Frankly, more allistic folks need to hear it.
I’ve been through this. I’ve only known I’m autistic for a few years now, but it has thankfully been long enough at this point that I’m clearly on the other side of that onslaught of forced unmasking and pushback (and not being prepared to handle it) and basically reliving and remapping my entire existence around this jarring new perspective. It gets better, I promise. For someone like you, demonstrating the strength and awareness that you so clearly have, I have all the confidence in your ability to use this experience in the best ways possible.
like she said, allistic couldn't care less. they wont get that your brain is different and that you need more accommodations. their view of the world is not being autistic, they cant comprehend other type of living. maybe we need world separate. neurotypicals living just surrounded by neurotypicals and Autistic and ADHD living together and no one else.
Had the same wake up call. Tried to talk to people in my close circle and got very uneducated comments and got knocked down a lot. That is why people like you with your videos are so important.
You inspire people to dare to be their authentic selves.
I don't judge people's initial reactions.
Or their journey to understand.
They or people with new information being given to them that they should be given understanding, time, and allowance for mistakes (as we would want for ourselves.)
As I have allowed this, I also dropped any assumptions I had about anyone actions, words or intentions.
Kept communication open.
This created space for everyone to learn and grow.
This doesn't come with lack of anxiety, stress, fear and uncertainty.
All of that is still present. It is pushing through this while going through the process.
@@srldwg absolutely, but due to fear and anxiety still being a very present thing people like her are important because all that anxiety can cause one to lose hope and courage to be your true authentic self. Masking way to much due to this fear is so harmful to your mental health so videos like these are super important to help people feel less alone.
I get you, I’m 45 and just discovering my neurodivergence; that all the effort that I made to fit and “change for better” was pointless, I lost my real personality on the way, it sucks. Still in the process and crying with all the people like you that talk about this confusing and crazy experience, lots of feelings and rage for the lost time! ❤
For the record, I made it to the end! I watched your video as I was going through my assessment process, and it was really comforting. Thank you for sharing your journey. I tend not to be good at masking and ask for what I need. Conventional people don't like me, and I am okay with it. The trade off is that the people who do like me, like me for me. My biggest shift has been self-acceptance and being kind to myself about my needs, which I've always felt were just me being a diva, difficult, or too sensitive.
Nice to meet you. I like sharks.😊 I was diagnosed 4 years ago and had a bad experience coming out at 🍎. I got heavily discriminated against and won an EEOC case. My boss had an autistic son and I truly think he took his anger out on me. I lost all of my colleagues. Deactivated all my socials after a farewell on LinkedIn to my dead career. Family never cared and hasn’t been supportive, also went through divorce. Was called a fraud…for not knowing who I was and desperately seeking help 36 yrs. I feel like nobody valued my life, even caring in the ways they can, it’s not enough. Drs, parents, everyone in positions of power failed me miserably, especially the church that wanted to cast out my demons. I’m in adrenal failure now from burnout along with trying to manage health issues. I hope some of us get to a better place.
I know it's a very small step and you're a long way down, but ashwagandha is what helped me get out of adrenal fatigue. If you want to consider it.
Best of luck to you. I can't believe how heartless people actually are.
@@Ayverie4 ashwaganda is contraindicated for Hashimoto’s patients. I’m on steroid replacement indefinitely. My adrenals are in total failure, not fatigue. Thanks!
Sadly, this is rarely talked about. How all these diagnosis and name tags scare people away and curse the people holding them, who were better off without them.
@@borntoslay3996 With all due respect, I'm sure you're trying to come from a well intentioned place, this is simply not true. All of us who were missed as kids suffer from some degree of traumatism, from failed parents and systems. You might be one of them for all I know, so I'm not spending a lot of time on this. What you are talking about is stigma. You may not be aware of all the work disabled advocates have done over the last 51 years to ensure we have rights and can enforce them. 51 years ago, it was illegal for disabled folks to even be seen in public. They called it Ugly Laws. This is the uphill battle we face to be accepted in society just because we are born differently. I finally realized recently how nasty republican christians are toward disabled people. This campaign opened my eyes to why conservative people say things like you just said. Why my family abandoned me and why my employer and friends were so shitty when I came out. Because of people like you.
This helped me so much I resonate with most of it. Ultimately it’s let me put less effort into some relationships, and some people I thought would be supportive have been “have you tried not being autistic?” But my spouse is learning. I’ve been breaking down recently and had to run errands, she made sure I had my good headphones and even brought a spare set for me. It’s tough, and I’ve lost close family. But coming out as autistic and meeting my needs has ultimately made it better.
I’m 6’2” large and male presenting. I’m not allowed to unmask in public. But being more unmasked in private has helped.
@@bradraughley6206 If using a cane offends people with full mobility, the responsibility doesn't solely fall on the disabled. Neuro typical, doesn't mean kind by default. They can be annoyed and still be the a^^hole. The people that love you for you, might get frustrated sometimes, but its not a deal breaker.
is ironic bc autistic is genetic so one parent most be autistic and autistic would run in your family. so losing close family because of the diagnosis means they probably encounter more autistic family members but they are just mask up and they don't admitted.
Omg you are not alone in the “ If I don’t see you in real life you don’t exist “ I have adhd and bro sameee
Ah me too. Not having predetermined get togethers makes me impossible to coordinate with because I forget and they get busy 😵💫
I impulse send memes to friends whenever i see one that reminds me of a friend just to combat this. Otherwise i have to intentionally recall and turns out people are just kinda background aware of their friends constantly who knew not just reminded of them by external things.
..... I'm now remembering 3/4 of my friend are ND and do the same so that's why I though that was neurotypical....
I have literally lost friends over this, and I even tried to communicate that in person friends can be ideal in some ways. This was interpreted that I consider online friends second class citizens. It can be frustrating that both communicating and not communicating can both lead to similar results
I was in my late 50's when I found out I was autistic! I knew I was ADHD due to my son many years earlier, but full on autistic? I HAD NO CLUE! It was probably the most pivotal moment in my life, as it answered the question I had been asking myself my entire life, "Why do I always feel like I am on the outside looking in?" I was completely aware most of my life that I was different, but I had no idea why. It tore me apart. My life was miserable because of it--there were highlights in my life, like my children--but now that I know, I *finally* know why I am different! --I had given up hope being "normal" long ago. Later in life, I just wanted to know *why*. And now I know. I totally relate to you and feel for you! Thank you for sharing your journey.
Thank you. You are the first person I have found to speak a truth that finally resonates closely to what my autistic 'coming out' experience has been like (diagnosed at 36). Life itself being overwhelming is even more of an understatement now that we know. This too is my truth. Thank you.
I can truly relate to this. I was unintentionally diagnosed when I was 22 and ignored it until i was 35 as the world seemed to be more accepting of it but I wish I’d stayed ignorant. Like you I just get so mad when I feel like generalisations are made that go against my autistic needs, like team outings and let’s put the radio on in the office as it’s summer 😩. I used to think things that bothered me were just about preferences, I wanted things to be quiet, I didn’t want people standing so close to me or touching me in “team bonding” activities but now that I know it’s not a preference its an autistic need those things wind me up, whereas before they made me sad, now I’m mad. I also have forgotten how to do “normal” things like job interviews and small talk which I could always do before. 😭 I just want to put the mask back on but my diagnosis has put a giant hole in it and it doesn’t work like it used to.
@Clara-ow6wzwow good point. 😐
but masking is so much pressure. It almost broked me to not wanting to live...
Your first video was the reason I checked into getting a diagnosis. It was life changing for me. It’s been two months since my diagnosis and I still haven’t told anyone other than the internet. I’m terrified.
“Why cant you just…” is something I’ve heard my whole life. For some reason it cuts deeper after diagnosis.
I don't know you other than through your Autism videos, but I DO care about you, probably more than I care about most people. You have been vulnerable with us, and that is incredibly powerful! Thank you for doing these videos. They have meant a lot to me as I'm going through a similar stage in my journey (though I'm 59). With almost everything you say, I find myself thinking, "Me too!" as my eyes tear up. FWIW, I didn't think this video was as dark or negative or scary as you were warning about. I found a lot of comfort.
I'm self diagnosed. I started that journey 25+ years ago, but only in the last year or two decided that I was definitely autistic. I'm only now learning that diagnosing yourself is not at all the same as accepting your self diagnosis. And that blows my mind.
I've seen several other UA-camrs warn people about coming out as Autistic; be safe, be careful. I thought I understood, but it turns out that I had no clue. I wish I had seen your videos before I started trying to unmask and ask for more accommodations; maybe my expectations would have been closer to reality. I think for the short term, I'm going to go back to my old self, masking more, sucking it up more. Unfortunately, my ability to mask and suck it up has diminished over the last 10-20 years.
Why is it that I never thought to leave Autism out of the "why" when I'm asking for an accommodation? Why did it not occur to me to just accommodate myself (when I can), instead of asking for permission?
I constantly accommodate myself. I've got a bag of tiny accommodations for myself. I call it my disabled girl go bag, but it's really a backpack of little things that give me comfort. Earplugs, cooling patches, rx sun glasses, meds, stims, sweat shirt, water. I don't put up with bullshit, if it's too hot I don't stay. If no safe foods will be available I take my own meal. People assume it's food allergies, but sometimes I just don't wanna eat whatever it is that is planned. I don't ask for accommodations as such, I just let them know that I have these needs otherwise I won't be able to attend 🤷🏼♀️❤
I need to experiment with leaving autism out of my "why" also. On one hand, I expected people to whom I disclosed would be more sympathetic and understanding to my experiences and needs, whereas the actual instances of understanding or empathy have been *rare* to say the least. People have such stereotypes in their head that they either fight you on the reasons, or start being even more disparaging. And I still do disclose on occasion.
But on the other hand, why shouldn't people accept when I say I need an accommodation or an adjustment? I know myself best, and I don't need any justification to ask for what I need OR for knowing things about myself and what I need.
Maybe not mentioning the autism would get better results overall? Hmm. that's an interesting concept! I really appreciate all of these shared experiences and ideas.
I'm also self diagnosed and probably won't seek for an actual diagnosis. I started the process with healthcare providers a few years ago after learning that I might be autistic, but came to other thoughts while the process was in its early stages. The doctor even asked me "What do you think you will accomplish by getting a diagnosis?". I answered that while I might not get any help for my everyday life, I would get a confirmation that I have it, and could also tell this to my possible future children who might also be autistic. I also experienced dismissal of my own choices in life. I was going through things at the time, that led me into hurting the closest person in my life. I told about the thing I had done, and the doctor was kind of laughing about it, and said it could be very well because of my autism. It rubbed me the wrong way because I wanted to own up to my own mistakes. I learned that autistic people are seen and treated as children by some people, and thus dehumanized.
At the same time I stumbled across a philosophy video that talked about the history of ableism and eugenics. I learned more about that, and while it is still kind of a silly idea to me, I thought that things might not stay as tolerant in society as they are today. Maybe one day we will have a fascist government that will decide to get rid of all disabled people, including autistic people. So I decided that the diagnosis was not worth the risk and backed off the diagnosis process.
I also thought that I don't need the validation of anyone by having a diagnosis. Difference should be tolerated whether people are diagnosed or not. I also felt like I internalized all of the self-acceptance and awareness by simply learning about autism. I also don't like the idea of being defined by the diagnosis, as it changes how I see myself and how other people see me. I like to be selective of the people I trust the information with. The flipside of this is that I can't know for sure if I'm autistic or not (not that I necessarily trust that people would even be able to diagnose this correctly at the moment), and I feel like an outsider in the autism community. I want to be part of the fight for autistic people. Instead I feel a bit like a fraud.
This video helped me. Hearing you vocalize a bit of how I feel since finding out I have adhd and the reason I struggle was never in my control to begin with was rough. Realizing I’ll never get better was weirdly freeing but saddening. In many ways my biggest struggle was thinking about where adhd starts and I end. And I still don’t really know the answer
Hi Courtney, thank you for making this video. I faced these kinds of people too! It's so traumatic to learn that people just can't wrap their head around the idea of high masking autistic adults having legitimate needs and just chose to respond as it's us being inflexible and unreasonable.
The hope that one day it will get better. It's what kept me going for most of my life so far. But as the years kept going on my hope faded and my mental health got to the point where I was scared for my life. If things didn't start getting better soon, I didn't see the point of going on honestly. Much has changed since that point but now that I've been self identifying as autistic I've gained a bit of hope again (not a ton lol but enough). I'm easier on myself. I'm learning that I can accommodate myself and my reasons are enough for me.
I ran into your diagnosis video just the other day. Feeling less alone is my biggest take away and that is major for my esteem.
Your description of expectations and the way it turned out is so relatable. I'm still very much in the middle of figuring things out after diagnosis and it sucks. I really hoped knowing the reason would make it easier to accept my difficulties, but if anything it made it harder up to this point. Especially the aspect of realizing those are forever things and I will probably never be able to change them just by trying hard. I really appreciate your videos, because knowing there is at least someone who has been through a similar process is very comforting (yes you are right, we are all a bit selfish). Thank you for posting them, because it clearly takes a lot from you to share these. I hope comments like this might give you a similar feeling of connection your videos give me.
Comments like this absolutely do. Thank you so much for watching and for commenting!
So much of this resonates with me. The experience of “coming out” really carries a heavy emotional load, but also strips away the veil of positive expectations.
7:32 I totally turned the volume down when this segment came on cause I thought my PC fan was going crazy again. 😅
Thank you so much for making yourself visible! You were a big part of me going to get tested, and coming to terms with my Autism/ADHD diagnosis.
It’s weird when you start telling people cause so many people are like “oh everyone struggles with that” and “you’re reading too much into your diagnosis” and stuff. And I just want to shake them and be like “no this is legitimately something that makes life extremely hard”.
I missed the last few mermaid pod meetups in my city because I couldn’t figure out it how to take a shower beforehand and after the swim and I got too overwhelmed. I’m a 40-year-old IT professional.
I truly appreciate this video. You explain that you thought a diagnosis would unlock that unconditional love and support, and then your disappointment when it did not. I dont think ive heard anyone else put it that way but its perfectly said. Ive been wondering why it has bothered me when people find out my diagnosis and it just gets swept under the rug and most people dont care enough to even talk about it with me, the status quo just continues. This is it 100% and it hurts. I thought more people would be curious and want to learn more for the sake of our relationship but i need to work on adjusting expectations. Thank you for sharing your experience in such a personal and honest way ❤
I'm totally on your wavelength, re your comments. If anyone I care about, has any kind of health issue, I will research it, as I care and want to understand what they are experiencing but when I announced that I was autistic I realised that most people don't do that? They just seem to forget about it?
Thank you so much for this video!❤️ I got my autism diagnosis one year ago, and you have come to some realisation that I yet hadn’t. You have saved me from some much pain and exhausting mind spinning! And when you said what you said about the "service person" version, I felt so validated! That’s exactly how I feel, and have felt as long as I can remember! In the politeness and pleasing circus of society, where you always have to explain "why” all the time!
Thank you so much, I feel so validated and seen🥰❤️ I hope your journey onwards will give you much more positives than negatives, and that we all at least will find peace with ourselves❤️
You have helped and are continuing to help SO many people SO much by sharing your experience and your story. You’re so brave and I’m so proud of you and I love you so much ❤
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement my dear friend. ❤
I don't know if this will help but here it is : It is not selfish to take more space in the World, it is not selfish to take the space that was supposed to be yours to begin with. You are not selfish for wanting to be true. What is selfish is people wanting you to be someone you're not. I send you a hug
💯You expressed my thoughts/feelings on this than I possibly could. Thank you. And Courtney, you're a lovely person and Finding your content is so affirming, Thank you!
You shouldn’t apologize or feel selfish. I’m 38 M and just coming to find that my constant downward spiral of mental health problems is due to my autistic traits. Figuring this out so late in life made me want to tell people not for special privilege, but to celebrate that there is a reason to the way I am. Thanks for sharing your story
I don’t think you sound aggressive, you sound fed up, and I can relate. For what it’s worth, it was cathartic to see the expression of frustration.
as someone who’s currently debating coming out, the heads-up was helpful. A lot of people have responded to you the way I feared they would respond to me, and my instincts to just quietly meet my own needs may be correct. Sorry for the strife you’ve been through, and thank you for sharing. ❤️
Discovering autism in adulthood is a game changer that explains a whole life. Nobody could possibly understand this experience, it is so overwhelming and so unique for each autistic person. Your video was supper important to me and I resonate with everything you say. Thanks ☺️ BTW I love the way you speak.
I am sixty eight years old and just lately figuring out that I can very likely add ASD to my previous diagnosis of ADHD. I, too, am grappling with the realization that i am not ever going to "heal" and be able to do life the way other people do. Your videos have helped me tremendously. Thank you for sharing your reality again today. I am so thankful that I found you!
Incidentally, I was playing with my new fidget toys while i watched this, and that is because you said in exactly the right way for me to receive the message that i needed fidget toys! Thank you, thank you, thank you! 💜💜💜
You are very welcome! I’m grateful to know I’ve helped!
@@CourtneyMermaid 💕💕💕💕💕
I am very happy that high masking autistic people are spreading more awareness. I am self diagnosed autistic and i am dypsraxic, have diagnosed adhd. Unfortunately i couldn't find any help in my mental health care system and i don't want to sell my whole inheritance to get formal diagnoses in another country. I don't come out on the internet saying stuff i go through but i expected to have some sort of understanding from people around me because thats the only thing important to me because my autism affects my social communication the most, and i argue a lot with my family especially cus i have real trouble reading social cues. I don't like how my parents deny my whole entire life, and come up with explanations for every autistic trait as if it's not. My dad said that i am highly sensitive person and that's why i am like this. And they think that i am making up stuff, sicknesses and illnesses but that's just pda. I don't like how i am not allowed to represent myself but other people are putting me in a box, telling me who i am, and speaking for me, as if they know me better than myself. Luckily i met a lot of other autistic people who don't have any support either, and we found each other, and we validate each other.
This video popped up in my recommendations and I really needed this so thank you for being so open about your situation ❤
I was diagnosed with adhd a year ago and they said I also had a "non specified social disorder" wich caught me off guard. Apparently among all the other tests they did some for diagnosing autism but they said I came out "too social to be autistic". I was so upset cause I had to practice all my life to get this good socially and still came out as awkward or insensitive. After months of researching books, talks and papers about autism in women I came to the conclusion that I was in fact actually autistic. I never thought of needing a diagnosis until now. Specially when Im not able to keep a job and have a awful imposter syndrome. I need some clarity about my situation and the assessment at least is going to help me know my self better even if I dont get a diagnosis. But I was actually terrified to be open about it in social and/or professional settings. So again thank you for making this video and being honest about the risks of coming out as autistic.
Im practicing just doing what I need without having to explain myself as well. Quite frankly, I dont really care if someone doesn't like it. Part of that is because I went through similar things as well. Friends who doubted and questioned me, told me I can't be autistic, unfriend/block me on social media, and avoiding me irl. The list goes on and it got to a point where I just decided I have prioritize myself sometimes and if others aren't willing to accept that, then maybe they dont need to be a part of my life anyway.
I loved it when Editor Courtney started editing the editor's insert edit, my brain was so tickled by this. Thank you for the video. I'm only here because you did the Autism content, I may have never seen your channel otherwise. Thank you for sharing your experiences, even the tough stuff is honest and needs to be considered by your audience, and might be the most important parts of what you share. It's easy to think, "I found my answer, I found my crowd," and think the doctors and family members would all suddenly give you warm hugs and be full of forgiveness and understanding...
But the reality (especially in the U.S.) seems much more deflating. The health care system here don't seem to always care as much about the medical stuff as the money. Family members don't change their minds because you now understand. And some close friends will believe you just need therapy, or you're nuts. It is tough, and some of us need to hear this whether it's comfortable or not. I came to a similar realization myself about two months in; nothing really changed other than I understand myself a bit better. That helps, but it's not a fix-all.
Yes to all of this
I'm so proud of you for sticking through this and deciding to post it, you are so strong!! Thanks for the reminder to meet my own needs, I needed to hear that. You're amazing!! ❤❤❤
I discovered your channel during my own dive down the autism rabbit hole. I'm not the type that would ever be part of your pre-existing audience and am just here for the autism content, so I'm grateful enough that you have put out the autism content you have. Even for us low masking types, discovering autism suddenly makes a lot of people that you never would have thought were anything like you make sense, probably all the more so if you're high masking and your social circle contains a lot of neurotypicals.
As far as your reaction to your diagnosis, I can understand it from an intellectual standpoint, and even empathize with it in terms of "Imagine if I were this kind of person and had this life history, what would I feel", but it is a bit alien from the perspective of my actual life experience: I was already certain enough that I was autistic by the time that I got my diagnosis, and have always had enough of an "I'm me, take it or leave it" attitude towards what other people thought of me, that there wasn't much change to my emotional state at the moment of my formal diagnosis. From what I've seen, that seems to be a fairly consistent difference between the reactions of males and females to diagnosis.
Your autism diagnostic video was awesome, I cried with you. Thank you for sharing with us, it's been very helpful for me pursuing a oficial diagnose. You do you girl, there is no problem on caring for yourself cause no one will if you don't(even the support people around, can't take care of us the entire time).
I've yet to watch the video, but as someone who very strongly believes they are autistic, and of course doing the research for a few years, and... coming across your diagnosis response videos, I was almost as emotional as you were. You reached out, and you touched me and a lot of people.
It may not make you feel better, but you had a VERY positive impact on us.
That can only be a good thing.
Best wishes from Yorkshire.
It does. ❤ Thank you for taking the time to watch and comment.
This speaks to my soul. Only difference is that I felt like I was permanently broken, so I never had the hope of anything changing. Relief was my primary emotion, but there’s still a lot of grief somehow.
Friend, you are not broken. We are living in a world not built to accommodate us and our needs.
Don't beet yourself up, thank you for showing me the way through to understand myself and why I am different. You do help everyone else.
Cried with you. Sitting by your side and listening to your story, hope that you continue to find peace and strength to put yourself first and can find people to surround yourself with that will honor your needs and support you.
Thank you for pulling the thoughts out of my head and putting it into video form. Selfishly these are the videos I love finding and need for validation but also these help me in that I send them to other people who question me and say.. “listen to this, because this is how I feel” so you’re doing the hard work for people like me! Anyway gosh I hope this makes sense. Late diagnosed @ 28 and yea life has been wild seeing how people react to the diagnosis. Similarly I thought it would be more helpful for others to know than it actually has been. There are people that care but they’re unfortunately way harder to find than they should be. I too am still working on unmasking completely. I’ve got cptsd as well im attempting to heal from. It’s such a strange thing to realize the parts of you others don’t like so much are the parts you can’t change. I tried.. 28 years of extreme masking just to be somewhat accepted and it wasn’t enough.. never was going to be. Happy to finally start ripping the masks off that others made me feel I had no choice but to put them on if I wanted to ever feel happiness or acceptance. Simply being myself wasn’t okay for majority of the people in my family and life. They think I’ve changed in a bad way.. In reality I stopped masking for them.. and they all fell in love with my masked self. I’m either being dramatic, a liar or some other negative label.. when really I’m simply trying to do what feels right for me for the first time in my life and if that makes me appear a certain way.. so be it. I’m autistic and Thank God I am, because I lived believing I was truly an awful human being that was never going to figure out how to survive in this world..life was moving painfully slow and surviving each day was becoming more and more exhausting. Finding out I’m autistic saved my life and gave me a chance to finally slow down and figure out how to feel happiness for myself rather than supplying happiness to all of those around me. 🦆🩵
This video popped in my recommendation list, and when you talked about the coming out as autistic video at the beginning, I decided to watch it first, and then come back to this one after. I have to say firstly that…wtf is wrong with people??? Like seriously, I just simply do not understand how you could find something wrong about that coming out video. It’s literally YOUR video, YOUR experience that you were generously sharing with the world. Anyway, that’s one thing…
Secondly, I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago, but I’ve been firmly believing for about 3 years now that I also am autistic. Getting diagnosed where I live cost a lot of money so I don’t know if I’ll ever get a proper diagnosis (I hope I do eventually) but we’ll see. I just wanted to thank you so so much for sharing your journey, it really does help a lot of people, me included. Videos like this make us feel seen and validated. When you talked about coming off as "rude/agressive" in the way you sometimes speak to others (when unmasked) ohh my god I don’t even know how to tell you how I have never felt seen as much as when I heard you say that. I am soo tired or having to fake smile and facial expressions and all that sh*t to make others comfortable all the time, because when I don’t, I have to explain myself and when I say I am autistic, it is not a good enough explanation for the majority of people in our society, so I have to explain why I am the way that I am in a way that makes THEM comfortable which is actually ufcking insane when you think about it!! So infuriating…
Im currently on the waiting list for an autism assessment and seeing your videos has really helped me process it better. It's refreshing hearing about other peoples expeirences and I feel like its something I can relate to.
I love how vulnerable you were with your diagnosis journey. I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m autistic and adhd. I will be doing all the testing in October. People don’t understand why you want a diagnosis. Years and years of feeling like you’re not enough or “there’s something wrong with you” or “you’re too much” etc. From what I have watched and read I fully expected you to have a hard time unmasking. It’s to be expected. There will be people who are not going to like the unmasked you. If so let them. I love that phrase let them. What is for you will stay and if it’s not it can go and some of it can fuck off! Keep scrolling bitches, keep walking bitches! I love that you’re being your genuine self and figuring it all out. Keep going, keep doing you.
The fact that you did a big reveal, and the world didn’t rally to accommodate you, is a relief. I don’t do that for other people. I don’t want them to do that for me. Imagine how much more stressful my life would be if I had to accommodate everyone else’s needs, in addition to my own. F that!
I think the big reveal did something even better than that, though. It brought understanding and room to accommodate YOURSELF, and forgive yourself for the autistic traits that cause guilt or shame. That is the real accommodation. And the most important one, because it’s the only one you can control.
Thanks for these videos. They are so powerful and raw and beautiful. It’s like you really are a fish-out-of-water mermaid (like a lot of us), and it’s great.
My firtst autism assessment is tomorrow, and your videos have been so helpful for me in this journey! I really appriciate hearing this side of things because even though it isn't the happiest, it's realistic. It's good to know Im not alone 💕
This was so helpful to hear! Thank you for sharing your experience with it and I’m sorry it didn’t go as well as you’d hoped.
“To find out that everything that you hate about yourself and everything that everybody hates about you is actually because you’re autistic and not just because you’re an a**hole who just likes to piss people off”
was my favorite part 😂
I swear I’m not doing it intentionally!
Call me insensitive I’m not particularly fussed but I watched both your opening up and the follow up now this (most definitely a new subscriber)
You spoke openly truthfully, informative and structured you have helped me be less scared and actually want to do the evaluation!
I’m not getting what people are upset about? You made a fabulous video! Keep rocking it 🖤
Fellow late-diagnosed, high-masking autistic person here… Thank you so much for putting into words what the past year has been like, and for making me feel seen. I was crying during your video and it’s been so healing just to realise that I’m not alone in this.❤
I was 49 when I got official adhd/autistic identification. 6’1” rugby player and I sobbed. Too many emotions to deal with in an instant
I thought I would outgrow the constant feeling of "needing to catch up", that somehow before the whistle is even blown I feel like I'm behind everyone else.
That's such a good analogy, thank you. Same here 😔
For what it’s worth, I really enjoyed watching your autism diagnosis video while I was in the process of getting a diagnosis myself, and it was one of the reasons I started documenting my own journey on here. I’m surprised to hear some people didn’t understand why you cried in your video; your reaction made complete sense to me and I empathised with you. I also strongly relate to that hope you had before you were diagnosed that one day you might be able to ‘stop being weird’ and that your diagnosis took that hope away. I did experience this grief after I got my diagnosis and I don’t hear a lot of late-diagnosed autistic folks talk about it; maybe because it’s a little controversial and not what people want to highlight, but it’s part of the process. There’s some mourning to be done after a diagnosis, and that’s okay. It doesn’t necessarily mean you regret getting your diagnosis or that you’re sad to be autistic. And even if that’s how you feel, you’re allowed to feel that. I’m sorry you received so much backlash. I have very few people around me and they’re mostly supportive but I was also overly optimistic about their reaction, and I’m regularly reminded that they don’t really get it (or care), and I’m the one having the make efforts to accommodate my needs. It hurts. The way I see the unmasking process is it’s not about taking off the mask completely for good; it’s about reclaiming some control over it so you can decide to put it on when necessary and take it off when you feel safe to. I don’t think it’s realistic for us to unmask completely in all circumstances in this society unfortunately. Masking is a privilege and some of us can’t mask or are ’high-masking’ but not always good at it. I’m terrible at masking but I score close to 150 on the Cat-Q test. My partner’s AuDHD and a lot more successful at masking than I am, and it does get him further in this capitalistic society 🤷🏻♀️ I have higher support needs and I’ll never get where he’s at in his career and social skills because I’ll never be ‘good’ at masking. I appreciate you making these kinds of videos where you’re really raw and honest, I think they help more than you know ❤ (I made it to the end of the video no problem 😊)
Your diagnosis video really touched my heart! Please don’t take it down.
I feel (resonate with? am experientially commiserate with?) every. single. bit. of this. I am sorry your experience was such a rocky one as well, but I hope at least you've found some measure of self-acceptance and grace. (Honestly, it's only this, so far, that I can point to as a positive and a reason to keep pressing forward with my ND-iscovery.)
You are totally valid.
Wow. Listen, it might have needed to come out in whatever way it did first, and boy you hit gold at 19:37. That is (to me in a way, sad) and SO TRUE. Nobody will ever care about us like we care about ourselves (in a healthy way, I think.) I truly do appreciate your honesty in this. I know it wasn't an easy video to make - thank you for the honest. I value people who ARE honest, especially if you are talking about something most folks aren't. You have my hella respect and mad love
Thank you so much for commenting, for watching, and for your support! ❤
I am one of those autistic people that watched your coming out video. I already had been diagnosed, myself, but it was such an inspiring and positive experience... even though I almost broke down emotionally from watching it. However, I relate to everything that you're saying in this video now, as well.
I have struggled so much with even my personal relationships, like with my wife, although we've both been dealing with a lot of and it seems like all of that is getting better for us now.
There were times where I was thinking... I wish I didn't know, again. I think about being autistic every single day... all day. But, I do think it is better knowing.
Part of the issues, I think... I was getting to the end of my rope prior to my diagnosis... it's why it came up as a thought... and why I sought the diagnosis. Knowing helps me understand, when I can step back and remember that life has been pulverizing me for the past 10 years, like it never has... even though I have always had struggles. Yes, I always had them... but I think I had the energy to deal with the struggles... and I just don't now.
I feel much the same way, though. I am not asking for things anymore... I am taking what I need with respect to accommodations. Is someone pushing me too far? I am not holding back... I am straight up telling them that they're not getting what they want.
I now realize that both of my grandfathers were almost certainly autistic. My POS mother... undiagnosed autistic... AND narcissist (although that may have been learned from trauma... but she gave me too much trauma, too). My daughter and my grandson are autistic.
I need to do things for myself... just for me. But also, I need to do them to show my daughter and my grandson that it is okay for them, as well.
Now, I have been rather reserved about who I let know. I have let my bosses at my various jobs know, because I trust them (at least the ones I trust). My family knows. Certain friends know.
Maybe once I feel like I have things covered enough financially... I will feel more comfortable to throw it out there to the world and tell them... if they don't like it, I don't care... and I had success despite them. We'll see.
Thank you so much for posting this video. I haven't bothered to get a diagnoses but let's just say that for me, it's pretty clear that I've been living with autism my entire life. Every little thing I learn about myself and how I tick is a wonderful discovery, especially when I find out that things I thought were personal failings are actually just how my brain is wired. So when you said about your friendships that you don't do a good job at keeping up on them because, "it's like you don't exist if you're not physically in front of me" that resonated deeply with me. I've said those *exact* words describing myself to people before and to realize that's part of how my brain works and not just me being a shitty friend...that really made a difference for me. Obviously, being a better friend is good and we should all try to do so, but like you said, we all give what we can.
You have THE CLOSEST feelings to my own than all of the other autistic or ADHD creators.
Thank you so much for putting yourself out for all of us and througt that all for beeing that light we can see in our own darkness. For giving us reason to hold up this light and help others see it and shine as well. So much love. ❤
I’m 15 and only recently got diagnosed with autism this video has helped me so much, I’ve always felt like I never fitted in and I was too “quiet” once I got diagnosed it everything finally made sense but I was naive and thought it would get better straight away and people would put in the effort. I still mask most of the time because I feel like if I don’t everyone will end up leaving, it’s like I’m living a life of someone else. I’m so glad there are other people in the same boat as me it makes me feel less alone. Thank you so much for this video 💗
Hi Courtney, apologies in advance for the long letter lol. This is the first video of yours I’ve ever seen, so at first, I was like what is she talking about lol, but GIRLLL this is the most truthful video on the reality of ‘’coming out as autistic’’ as you put it; that I’ve seen so far!! Everything you said was spot on and I could tell you were holding back because there are a lot more unsettling truths that happen when you get diagnosed, especially regarding how it changes family and friend relationships. And if there is childhood trauma added its 100 times worse, because you end up getting into, fault, blame, responsibility and hereditary areas that are painfully challenging!
One of the main truths that stood out to me that you spoke on is, how nobody cares, like yes, some people who are fond of you may at first show interest because it helps them to maybe stop secretly disliking things about you that they feel you should be responsible to change, i.e. coming across abrupt or rude or unapproachable to others. And it gives them answers and perspective on past situations and helps them to navigate where they stand with you. (this does and can lead to friends backing off though)
But mostly people actually don’t care or don’t have the emotional space, capacity or time to care.
Or they actually hate that you have a reason for your socially unpreferred behaviours and they don’t for their own.
Let’s not even get into work and how atrocious that is for Neurodiverse people!
It also exposes people whom for whatever reason have been or are currently taking advantage of you!
And this is another reason why getting diagnosed is so important because it is actually a safeguarding benefit for you. To make you aware of how you can be more vulnerable than most. We all yearn for understanding of our selves and you’re correct unmasking is a painful process that leads you there. Worth it in my opinion though!
It’s true your life ultimately will forever be changed and look different (including your memory of the past and how you understand your experiences.) But it will be your life, the way you need to live it for you, being unmasked and brilliant!
The other point you made was how you came to a shocking realisation that your hope for a fix was gone, Which I related to on such a deep level!!!
I would add to that, the lost hope of fulfilling some of the dreams and wishes we had for our lives and understanding our failures, maybe having a partner or children, maybe a certain career, a lifestyle or even just the type of friendships or family connections you wanted.
All of a sudden you realise you’ll never be able to have them because the things you thought you could change to get there; you’ll never be able to do as an autistic person. Because unfortunately, we do have varying limitations and needs that don’t fall in line with a neurotypical life. (that’s not to say that everyone on the spectrum can’t achieve any of those things)
And lastly because WOW this is a bloody essay!
But there is a deep sadness for all the wasted time, effort and pain spent over the years trying to put your self in a box you unknowingly couldn’t possibly fit into and the internal wounds and scars that leaves. To imagen what could have been if we’d only known sooner and worst of all what horrors you may never have experienced if only it was different.
On a positive note, you are wonderful, your video was wonderful and never hold back, if everyone else can say what they want you get to tell your whole truth! Much love to you and all my fellow Neurodiverts!
Thank you Courtney for this video. Thank you to all the commentors who have said my words, feelings and thoughts so much more eloquently and coherently than I would ever be able to.
I am waiting for my evaluation appointment for my diagnosis and have been waffling about telling people. I’ve decided it’s not something I need to bother about.
I’m 56 years old and have had so many changes in my life the last 10 years and was already reevaluating who I was, when the topic of autism came up about 6 months ago. I had absolutely no clue, but it explains a lot.
I think my biggest exasperation is the now knowing that all the people pleasing, and trying to conform to societal expectations and whatever else I tried to do to get along with other people was for nought.
I regret not being able to just be myself.
Thank you so much for doing this… You have given understanding to the insanity… and that is the best thing ever. You are beautifully unique… don’t ever change a thing. Celebrate you🎉
Thank you so much for being brave and selfless enough to put this video out there....I promise you it does help, a lot! I was diagnosed Autistic last year, aged 61 (I'm 63 next week). Like you I have had quite a journey since, from initially being euphoric and expecting to discover my real self and unmask, get understanding and support from others etc, to realising that actually people don't really care and they just want you to be exactly the same. I feel I'm now going backwards and that's depressing and makes me angry too, but basically we just have to advocate for ourselves. When I unmask I make people angry, but then I make people angry anyway, always have done. I have lost some friends since coming out, but I have found my neurokin and made some new ones. I am so sick of people pleasing and fawning, and I am trying hard to stop this, but after 6 decades it's hard and the RSD is severe 🥺...but I am trying and I will continue to do better at setting boundaries and protecting myself better, I hope. Thank you again and please look after yourself, you matter, we all do 🌈
💜💜💜♾️♾️♾️
Yes! 😳
So relate to this, you gave me goosebumps.
Thank you for sharing!
Your videos have helped me a lot in understanding my own condition and being realistic in my journey of discovering it. Sharing your experience has enriched me and helped me make better decisions for myself in my acceptance. Sincerely, thank you Courtney!
Thanks for continuing to share your experience. I've grappled with whether to come out about my diagnosis to friends and family, and for now I've decided I'm taking that on a case-by-case basis. There are a number of people I expect wouldn't accept it or be understanding in the way I want them to, and I don't think that would help. Your experience is supporting my decision for now.
Oooooooh! Side note, your hair is so cute! And thanks for sharing this with me. I am currently working on my assessment!
I am so sorry this has been your experience. My daughter was diagnosed when she was in her early 20's. It is a learning process for all of us and I expect it will be for a long time to come. We as her parents have chosen to find a therapist who helps us understand how to help her. I hope now that you have your diagnoses that you can find people in your life who are supportive. For myself and for my daughter I have chosen to share some of the things I learn with those family members who are not willing to make the effort to learn. And I will stand up for her when I feel I need to. Sending you a virtual hug.
This is the first video I've seen from you and I'm still watching. I really think you could benefit from looking into complex trauma. Having to hide our authentic selves is really isolating because authenticity is how humans connect. You deserve a great friend in yourself and part of that is standing up for yourself. That anger is an indicator that something is wrong. It's not you but the world won't do their part, I agree, we have to learn to communicate for ourselves in a way that people who do truly care will be able to hear, process, and respond. I wish you all the best ❤
I listened all the way through even your tone was scary because of your Autism. I am interested in learning about all the traits of Autism and know that extreme emotional disolays are part of it. What I came away with was a sense of having been mirrored an image of who I am and how I can come across to neurotypicals when I'm feeling intensely needy. You've helped me understand myself, because in our mutual struggles, I am you.
You're an amazing person, and I happily consider you a friend, despite us not getting to communicate much and never talking/meeting in person so far. Maybe one day we will, maybe we won't, but I still think there is so much good that you bring into this world with your videos and your candid nature and your talents, even through your darker days. We all have them, and we should all take time to acknowledge them, process them the best we can, and meet whatever needs we can that we learn about from them (via self care).
I get misunderstood in my tones and mannerisms a lot, and I've never been diagnosed autistic, but my brain definitely works differently than most. Whether I'm autistic or not may never be determined, but I am determined to always be true to who I am in every way possible and put that forth into all I do.
This probably ran longer than intended, & I'll cut myself off here, but I hope you read it all.
Much love and happy swimming!🤗❤️
I found your diagnosis video about two months ago, which helped a lot to pursue diagnosis and just today I got the acceptance into the evaluation. So: thanks very much. It’s scary, with or without this video… which in fact helps me prepare and admit that I needed a bit of perspective on what to expect from other people. Of course you’re right, and what you say about people (including myself) putting themselves first isn’t new - so why would I expect it to be different this time? Well, because *I’ve* invested a lot of time and thought into this!
Yeah, that’s going to work.
Am I overcommunicating? damn right, and gladly so. Final note: loved the editing courtney skips, really worked
Thank you for sharing this and being so vulnerable and its so cool to get the kind of full perspective from one person at like two different times... And both are valid
I understood you. I feel like it breaks you as a person, everything you knew you were but had hidden, everything you were because that's what was deemed socially acceptable, the release out of a state of freeze meeting the needs of others.. fuck anyone that is offended by your authenticity. "you only get haters when you are doing something right".. your worth is not defined by others opinions of you, if they don't get it that's their problem, not ours 💛 thanks for being real 🫶
The warmth and care that you show when you speak for is heartwarming.
There is so much here that is so relatable. I was diagnosed in 2019 and I am so glad this video came up in my feed.
Please don't apologise! U are helping people out there I was recently diagnosed as being on the spectrum after years of feeling so different and not knowing why at all! Yes some people will look at it as bad cause they have a fixed perception of what being Autistic is too. I'd rather tell people I am but yes some people will still hate sadly
I'm glad U have shared yr story with us ❤
I love the unapologetically saying no to things without needing to justify it with your autism diagnosis. My wife and I have been falling into the pattern of justifying our needs when trying to advocate for ourselves while trying to navigate bureaucratic healthcare system in the UK (no scheduled GP appointments, 8am phone call scramble).
I don't think people who weren't accommodating before knowing you're neurodivergent would be after they've been told because they just don't get it.
Thanks for your video. It's my first time seeing you. And I did make it to the end.
Thank you so much for this video ❤ Sending you virtual hugs. Indeed, late autism discovery is a rollercoaster. It's so good to see some authentic expression of the mess we find ourselves in. Sometimes people make it seem as though you just unmask and then you're happy. And it's not like that for many of us.
Your reaction to the diagnosis is perfectly normal. I felt relief & grief at the same time. Because your "future life" is over, but at the same time you can let go of the self-hate and the need to push so hard. If people don't want to take your needs into considerations after disclosing... those are kinda toxic in you life anyway. After I really came to understand myself with autism, I ended some friendships (after discussing it with my therapist), because of how they treated me and my needs in general. Some of the reactions towards my disclosure were very "gaslighting", so this opened my eyes of what people they were. Ending those relations also opens up the space for new ones that better suit you. This process takes months or years though, don't go ending all your relationships in one week! :P :O
I also found that you can get your needs met without disclosing you're autistic. Most people don't understand autism anyway, and you'll just get hurt with mean and dumb comments. Nowadays, I just ask for the specific things I need like the example in the video: "I need to wear earplugs because it's too loud hear" and it is usually enough to get what I need. If they still push for more explanation you can just state a very clear boundary ( in a nice way) like "I just prefer a quiet environment (I use the "introvert" card a lot), and if you have a problem with that we need to both go sit/hang/be separate" (or sometimes if they refuse, I move myself to another room/place). But I found that usually if I ask nice in a clear way, exactly how I want things that they're just fine with it. Nowadays it's very normalized to wear headphones to listen to music whilst working, so heaving it on just for the silence is unnoticeable.
Hey don’t apologize for anything. You finding yourself is amazing. The fact that people have the audacity to treat you like that infuriates me. You went & found yourself & people are getting offended by that, that’s only on those people not you. Those people sound like narcissistic manipulative people that you probably should steer clear from.
thank you for this video! in Russia we now have problems with youtube but I've watched the whole video and it's amazing. your videos help me so much though I don't have enough energy to watch them all!
ugh, I'm so sorry. I totally get it though. all my kids are on the spectrum. While trying to figure out if my son was on the spectrum (Before he was diagnosed) I had the "ah-ha" moment that I may be also. I was labeled weird, odd, and quirky by friends (when I was younger) and family all my life. So when I told my parents and sibling I may be autistic the responses were "No you're not. yes, you are odd. you were delayed in speech and had all these other issues but you are not autistic." The desire to wish I could punch someone through the phone was so strong.
I am in the process of being diagnosed. When you cried I did think I didn't get it but now that I am so close to getting an official diagnoses I can see myself crying. LOL. Cause seriously, you are being validated after so many years of people saying there is something wrong with you, then to feel like an alien cause normal doesn't make sense. Of course, you have the right to be emotional. Well damn! You need to take care of yourself, seriously F the attention hogs.
Love your channel. I just found it. You sound like me. I say many of the same things you are saying ( such as not an excuse but it is a reason)! I wish we could go to coffee (or whatever) together. You are a beautiful and important person just the way you are. Please always try to remember that when things get bad!!!
I'd like to add: you will hopefully find as you get older that "NO period" is the answer for many older women. It gets better and better as we get older. Since my 50s, I have hung out with others who are a bit different for whatever reason and we have a really good time together. Others can go find someone else to hang out with. No harm, no foul.
Expecting people to just understand and embrace your coming out as autistic is the most autistic thing ever. We overshare, misread and misjudge social situations all the time. I think this is very common.
Your video on coming out autistic helped me on my journey to discovering I'm autistic too. I'm sorry this has been such a rough road. Thank you for being such a positive impact on my life.