It’s so frustrating when people put a meaning behind words that we don’t mean. I usually get mad, asking how they got to that conclusion. Personally, I don’t think I’m able to comprehend why they will just assume. As you said, we should try to be more direct! Thanks for the video ❤
For this discussion, I think your notes worked well. Your point about extroverted autistic people withdrawing over time is something I can relate to as a very awkward person with adhd. I put my foot in my mouth a lot and I can be a lot…sometimes it’s easier not to try.
Typed up a big essay just now, but no matter how articulate i was i just couldnt quite capture what i was trying to say and thats saying alot considering im usually fine when i can stop and type it out but just commenting to say i felt this so much
I withdrew over time. My ADHD makes me prone to winging it, by instinct, in social situations. Then I would process what I said later and get anxiety about it. I also used to use the classic self medicating technique of relaxing myself with some alcohol at the few parties I attended. Eventually I stopped drinking, in the hopes that I’d stop putting my foot in my mouth at them, and thereafter I would stand around, unsure of how to start a conversation and what to say if I did. I gradually became a hermit, except l get lonely. I like to talk to people, but I can only do it in my AuDHD way, and I’m really conscious of how that looks now. I don’t even seem be able to do masked conversing: I never learned those techniques, I still talk compulsively even on ADHD meds, I can’t process responses in real time, and yes, if I do succeed in managing myself, I’m so exhausted afterwards.
@@jimwilliams3816 I have the same experience with trying to socialize and having "flashbacks" of saying something wrong. But I finally realized most people take you at face value, and do not have the same reactions that you have internalized, for constant self-criticism. My mom once told me, the majority are more interested in what they are thinking than what you are saying. You are so self-involved and caught up in your presentation, but people just see your outside and your words go in one ear and out the other. So "just forget about" that thing you said that you think is so embarrassing. I can only socialize when I am drinking-- there I give my self-critic the excuse "Well, you were a little drunk, so don't worry about it". People do like attention. Even if you just come up at a party and listen to what they are saying, they will feel flattered. Now and then I can think of something to say, but it's not my job to be amazing. I just have to make myself get out of the house and be with some people, even if I don't like them or they don't like me. It's better for your mental health not to completely isolate.
This happens to me too. I was just trying to join in the conversation and I end up getting my feelings hurt when they say something like, "Duh." But I've also found out that sometimes when the obvious isn't said that this too can lead to miscommunication and they say, "Why didn't you tell me?" I don't know what to do....It's like darned if you do and darned if you don't.
i vote for off the cuff videos. there are very few people who dont sound like they are reading when they are reading. i appreciate your integrity and authenticity. ❤
I agree i dont remember the title of the first video of hers i seen but it was no edits, and ill always remember hearing her talk and realising i found one of my own
I have to respectfully disagree. Despite that I think Amanda's perspective is often just completely on the money, I do find many of her videos tough to follow because of the rambling and off the cuff nature. Having said that, I do agree wholeheartedly that the disjointed or scattered approach that we are often perceived as having is something that neurotypical people need to see and even we ourselves need to see we aren't alone, but I personally (obviously to each their own) would get more of of some regularly structured videos in addition to videos where she doesn't edit much and explicitly states it (lack of structure/ editing) at the beginning as she typically does now. Amanda, please keep up the amazing work. Your contributions to the community are invaluable and despite some of my constructive criticisms, I have found several of your observations/ lessons to be just mindblowing in that I had completely missed these things in the world until you've pointed them out. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this video. It made me cry. But , everything you said is spot on. I grew up in the 1970's. I was (am) "weird" / "hyper". I heard that I would grow out of it. Since I did not need significant support, that was it.. even though I had all the signs. No blame, no shame, that is just how it was. Unmasking is difficult, but in some way it is fun as a person in his mid 50's.
I like the format of this video. My brain appreciates the level of structure 😊 by the way, I also like your pauses! They allow me to better process what I'm hearing and I think it makes what you're saying "stick" and "land" well. Especially when I'm focusing on an additional task while listening 😊 Pauses in speech are definitely not always an inconvenience to the listener, even if it's something the speaker can't always control.
I get annoyed at the videos where they edit so fast that it sounds like they never take a breath. If you listen to how many edits there are, you realize how bad they really are at speaking. They can't really talk that fast and get their ideas together, it's just a lot of editing. So, this is fine.
Amanda I want you to know that you teach me so much about myself when you talk about yourself and when you present discussions like this. I think I have more or less the same laundry list of neuro atypcial conditions you have - I didn't even know some of them existed and in other cases didn't know what they were - or didn't understand the definitions or examples I had previously heard to understand they applied to me. I'm definately autisitic and was confident of that for a few years, but despite having heard a lot of other autisitc youtubers say they were also ADHD, I totally discounted that for me - but now I am like 90% sure that I have ADHD thanks to your discussions of ADHD. Same with aphantasia. And SDAM. And alexithymia and Interoception. I can't remember if I learnt about those last two and their application to me from you or not, but it doesn't matter. That's a lot of learning and a lot of understanding about who I am and why. I only found your channel maybe two months ago Your videos help me understand way more about who/what I am and how these conditions have been affecting my life and my interactions with the world. They are also helping me understand the allists perspective way better and helping me understand allists better. I still have a very very long way to go - I'm still not formerly diagnosed and i hve been high masking for 54 years. But i think I am getting to where I need and want to go a lot faster thanks to your videos. Other you tubers too, but I feel like a lot of the other autistic/ADHA/AudiHD you tubers concentrate on simpler questions or questions for people who are still not sure they are neurodiverse. But you are working on questions that I havent even heard considered on other channels or only very tangentially and these are definately questions I need to be asking and understanding. I really appreciate your content, how you deliver it and your generosity in sharing it all. You're really helping this autistic person learn and feel a little bit less alone. As we say here in South Australia: thanks heaps.
Thanks for clarifying what allistic is. I’ve never heard of this term until a few days ago. To quote sigorney weaver, “yeah, I get that a lot!” Meaning, I’ve had that problem where I try to clarify that I wasn’t trying to be mean, or I meant nothing by it. And a lot of times the person might still be mad.
I've been thinking so much about how bad we (western civilization) are at communicating, how my personality and social trauma from childhood is mostly due to poor communication and perceived rudeness (as well as neglect from my CPTSD mother). Your video sums those thoughts up perfectly, and even though I can "know" these things myself, seeing you connect the same logic and have the courage to put it out here makes me feel not so alone.
Autistics: mean what we say, say what we mean, take other people’s words at face value. NT’s: don’t say what they mean, don’t mean what they say, assume everyone else is doing the same. It has taken me a long time to get my head round this. Hardly surprising given that it is a nonsensical way to carry on.
Thank you so very much for your videos. I have a child who is not neurotypical, and you are helping me understand him so that i can be a better parent and help him funtion well in our family with other kids who are neurotypical. The perspective you share is so valuable. From the bottom of my heart, thank you
Thank you so much for creating and for being our voice ❤ I love your authenticity. I love voice quality. I love everything about your channel and sincerest congratulations on 12,000 subscribers 🎉 You and your content are truly wonderful 🤗 Thank you for being here 💕🙏🏽💕
Both formats have a place and time. I like and appreciate that you mostly do off-the-cuff videos because that's helped me see and understand some things in myself and the expectations of those around me. You're amazing and appreciated and I'm grateful for you and your content! Also, your sign-off is amazing and the world needs more of that! 🤟
🤟 I'm glad you appreciate the sign off. ASL is near and dear to my heart. I really want to learn more but struggle with learning new languages. I suspect having aphantasia and not being able to visualize the signs plays a part in my ASL struggle. I have to use muscle memory.
I am never able to get my point across effecting on a topic twice in a row. I always do my best the first time when I am unscripted and when I try to repeat it I end up missing smaller details. But that could have been me masking my autism in the past because my first explanation of something was normally to long for people (my undiagnosed ADHD parents) to care about. They are still extremely ableist to me because they don't want to change how they see their "perfect golden child". But all of that is to say that you should keep doing the videos how you feel most comfortable especially because you have acquired such a loving community that it wouldn't make sense to change how you do things now.
Oh I definitely don't plan on changing completely, but some topics I just wanted to make sure I hit some specific points. I still felt like I kept this fairly loose, I wasn't reading from my noted except for one sentence I believe. I appreciate your feedback and support! ❤️
I think there is a vast difference between people which includes those on the spectrum. My daughter is no where near your level of emotional expression. She’s not aware of the intricacies like you are in relationships. Also, she gets stuck on the “replay” of something not turning out the way she’d like which makes it harder to move forward. An example: recently, the pharmacist told her that she would call my daughter back after trying to find an alternative medication as insurance would not cover the one her Dr. Called in. My daughter kept asking…why didn’t she call back when she said she would. I told her I didn’t know, but offered a slew of possibilities. I asked for what the turned down medication was-it turned out to be Zaditor, an over the counter eye drops. The Dr. Had written-ketotifen down & she was told Claritin. So…with communication I have to get lots of clarification in order to understand as well as help her resolve misunderstandings. I ordered via the mail to have the eye drops shipped to my daughter-that took care of that situation in part but the people around us don’t realize in what they say how others perceive-don’t…”get it”. It is good you are able to articulate so well where you are coming from. The sign language is nice for those of us who recognize that sign.
The Autism spectrum is very vast. Currently we just have support needs listed as level 1, 2 & 3. I don't think that's the best system but it is the current one (at least in USA.) I've had similiar delimmas at the pharmacy from taking things so literally. One thing life experience and the fact I've taken many personal development courses has made a huge difference in understanding neurotypical thinking.... to a point. I obviously miss so much and am still learning everyday.
Yep I state things all the time in my environment but I always quickly say something like a compliment afterwards because I've learned it "sounds weird" to state things randomly
Amanda, you mentioned unintended volume changes in autistic speech at times. When an autistic person's volume gets louder, what would be the best way to comment about this to them? Also are there times if someone says something about your volume, that you feel they are raising their voice to you, even if they are not? Another very good video, I am having much more fun being able to talk to my wife (of 35 yrs of marriage) with your help. Thank you again.
If it's a thing they are aware they are doing and are working on then a reminder is useful. My kids and I are all Autistic and when one of us gets unintentionally loud, we sort of gesture with our hand a signal to lower voice. That reminds us to do so. If it isn't something you've discussed before, it'd be kind to bring it up. "I really enjoy talking with you, but sometimes when you talk your volume gets louder and I'm not sure if you realize this? It hurts my ears/ or it makes me think you're yelling at me (etc.) Do you mind if I let you know when this happens so you can lower your voice?" I personally don't feel like this is asking an Autistic person to mask. For those of us who are capable, navigating sensory experiences for everyone in the room is best approached as a compromise. Just realize the intention of the loud volume isn't yelling/anger we often do it with no awareness. And obviously, I'm only one Autistic person, your wife may have a different response.
I liked this video, the communication differences are a really important topic and I love hearing someone give voice to the autistic side. I find it frustrating when allistic people talk about their meanings and interpretations as universal. I also agree with you that I think some people begin to act introverted not as part of their 'natural' style but as a result of/protection from experiences of receiving critiques, neglect, or abuse from others
I love your off the cuff videos the best. I can see how it helped to be more scripted for this though. You had so many important things to cover. I'd say go for whatever works best at the time. Oh, and I really loved looking at your garden. Nature is so regulating for me. 🌻🌳
Miscommunication is the reason I started using tone tags online when writing to other people when I think my message might be misinterpreted. The problem is when I don't use them because I think my message was clear. Only on very rare occasions do people ask for clarification. So I myself am also trying to get into the habit of assuming less and asking for clarification more often.
If people are too direct or too professional with me I can misinterpret that as them having an attitude. I'm aware of it but it still happens. I like jokes but I don't understand teasing at all. With that being said there are a lot of people with genuine bad attitudes out there. But I also notice that when I'm direct with people they don't like it either, so I just learned to be nice and agreeable. I'm working on unmasking as a late diagnosed Autistic Person.
My Mom and I have a big project coming up too. Once she finishes paying her taxes, and filling out those stupid forms online, we're going to pull everything out of her bedroom, dust, paint, put new carpet, a new fan and fixtures. Our house is going to be a mess with her stuff but it should be fun. I have a few ideas that I think she's going to like!
I do this too but have unconscious trigger phrases, mostly being misunderstood so comes across as higher tone and 100% defensive …. And that usually never ends good. Also I feel the energy, before the tone and words come out , so my response may not always be correct and therefore comes across as harsh. This can become a death spiral for the context of the convo and degrades into mud slinging. And I walk right into it every time without correcting or being aware until a 5 min monologue of ideas, thoughts and many, many , never ending QQQQQ’s. I’ll never be able to stop asking questions and that drives some people crazy.
One time a good friend got a new haircut and asked me what I thought. Now, I don’t really know about hair or style or anything but I tried to be thoughtful and honest. I said it was cute but a little flat and asked if she had hair volumizing products. Apparently that was a hurtful thing to say and I apologized for hurting her feelings.
Yup! Offending someone because they asked for my opinion and didn’t like my answer… 🙋♀️ I always say: “don’t ask me what I think when you don’t want to hear my answer”. Until recently I had NO IDEA that when most people ask for your opinion, they don’t actually want to know what you think, they are either looking for a compliment or reassurance. I was MIND-BLOWN. When I ask someone for their opinion, I actually want to know what they really think, I don’t want to hear an opinion that is mine parroted at me and I’m not fishing for compliments either. If I wanted to get a compliment I would say “please tell me that…” ugh! It kinda sucks because I inevitably offend my partner or my friends or family members but I can’t be other way because not saying what I think seems insincere and unkind. 😌
@@Marty656 yeah, that’s how I see it too. But if people want me to just compliment them, fine. But I don’t like it. And like you said, I struggle to get honest answers from them.
I figured out I was masking extroversion more than a decade before I gave serious thought to the prospect that I might be autistic. I have lots of sensory undersensitivities with few hypersensitivities and interacted well with adults as a child, so I never got diagnosed, but masking took energy and felt wrong, so I never saw the point. Being a low-masking, undiagnosed autistic does *not* endear you to your classmates, so extroversion is painful. Around third grade I decided "I won't be friends with anyone unless they're friends with me first", and disengaged from my peers until I got some weird results from a personality test just after I graduated from high school. It was at that point that I figured out I was an extrovert and started trying to recover, but being an autistic extrovert is *hard*.
Thank you for your clarification regarding the I love you in America sign language. That explanation shows me that you really care. Thank you thank you thank you!!!
Very helpful. I'm 66 years old and have known sometimes people take things I say as a judgement and I was never 100% sure why. They seemed very insecure to me which I still think is true, but good to know how they need their ego handled. I've lived as a hermit for almost 4.5 years which has been wonderful. For most of my life I did very well with relationships. I knew what to say and when to say it. Long term live-in partners was harder because I couldn't keep it up 24/7. However, it was a lo of work, not much fun and I certainly got nothing back so over the decades I saw less reason. Planning to move to SE Asia next year. I think in a different culture and English not being the primary language that I won't have these communication issues. To them if I say "You're wearing a yellow dress" they might say "yes" back and think nothing more of it. English is used to communicate only, not be passive aggressive. Subtlety isn't possible.
I'm only finding the energy to watch this now, but I'm so glad I did! I'm three years into discovering I'm autistic, and I can't believe how many ah-ha moments are still coming up for me. When I think back to the fracturing that began with my best friend, I understand that it began now with comments like that from me, where I'm just processing what I'm seeing, but she always took it as criticism. We were young, and she never brought up hurt feelings, but I could always sense an energy shift when I had my processing moments. I would be so angry with myself- "why can't I keep these thoughts to myself!?" would echo through my mind after most social interactions. Now I know why I do this- an NO, I would never say something intentionally hurtful or judgy, even to someone I DON'T like! Your observation that perhaps there would be more outgoing autistic people if we didn't face so much criticism, mystery friendship-endings, bullying, etc. from the outside world I think is an astute one. This rings so true for my experience. I was an outgoing little girl, who gradually became more and more terrified of making friends and being around people. I'm 33 now, and when I'm by myself, I'm at my happiest and most self-secure. When I'm around others, I feel reduced. I'm just so scared, all of the time, in every social instance, of making a "mistake."
I never called it AuHdhd, but I'm fine with the definition. (I just state to be Autistic with AdHd) The fun part of having both is that one can be introvert and extrovert on occasions. Really interesting subject dough, "stating facts being judgemental, never heard of it before but it explains a lot (of the past..)!
Honestly I think one reason it gets called AuDHD is on Tiktok there is a 150 character limit on comments and so we say AuDHD instead of Autistic & ADHD to save characters. Lol.
I discovered you today via a random suggestion on my Google search homepage, and I'ma be honest, I'm in total agapé (friend-love)!! I am so into the long-form no pauses. Been finding resonance with content-creators on TikTok but frankly get a bit irked by the pop-pop-pop short-form sound byte style and it is a comfort and a relief to come across your channel! Thank you for doing this! I feel so seen, and I shared this video with my sweety and already it's unfolding better understanding between us! I am grateful for you! ❤️
Great video! I too process very matter of fact and occasionally aloud. Also, it is rare for me to compliment something even if I like it. However, I often understate things when I do. If someone asks me how food is, I'll simply say, "It's good." Rather than "delicious" or "fantastic". That said, I do tend to use more superlatives when I write. Perhaps because I have more processing time in thinking about how I want to respond.
Your video is so relevant to do many of my struggles with speaking with people. Much of the time I speak to people I get hurt. This video is brilliant. You have a gift of phrasing things. You say things that I would struggle to say. I understand that you are not always like this., but still I appreciate this part of you when it arises. We can all struggle loss, but we can still help others who may be struggling in the same area. Thank you Amanda, as usual x
When you were mentioned allistic thinking facts are critiques, I personally don't like when allistic people give me a critism and then end on a positive comment. To me if someones criticizing me I don't expect them to say something nice .. I guess they add a nice comment so that the critism won't hurt as much but I'm so sensitive and all the positive comment does is confuse me because I don't know what their intentions are. Just like when people say "not to be mean" and then say something mean? Why not just say the mean thing without a disclaimer or don't say it at all. Sometimes I think allistic communication and thinking is actually abnormal and autistic communication is more clear and concise
I would like to add, because I understand how allistics take what I say and add meaning to it, I make sure to let them know what I mean and I also try my best not to come off as rude even tho sometimes if I'm not masking my tone it can sound mean
If I understand it right if they say "you're wearing the yellow dress" without follow up it's a criticism. But if they say "you're wearing the yellow dress. I love that color on you." Then the first part isn't a criticism, just part of their thought. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. And of course none of this is set in stone and everyone NT, ND or masked ND is going to be different. That's why effectively communicating really needs check ins! 😜
I really like the points you made in this video and, as an autistic female my self, I can understand why you chose to edit more just to get through all the points you wanted to make. I would find it hard to make so many points and explain each one in such detail just talking off the cuff. Do you find it easier to do off the cuff videos when there are less points to make with less detail? Either way, I like your content however you decide to make the video. Your videos are helping me to even gain the confidence to even try to post content of my own so thank you for being you in your videos. 🙂
I think a lot depends on how I'm feeling. I enjoy the off the cuff videos but I can't have too much planned. I just talk from my heart. But if it's a topic I've been mulling over and want to hit specific points I let my tangents get a hold of me. So this one I tried a mix, I had my points. I paused, read the point and then talked on it.
I recently found your channel and I immediately fell in love with your style. I think the first video of yours I found was one where you were having a bad day, pretty recent one. I thought it was the most honest, sincere, and real video I've ever seen a very long time. By the way, I love that you don't edit your videos. I've seen lots of content from autistic individuals who are heavily edit to remove the wondering eyes when thinking, the pauses, the stimming and such things. While their content is really great, it's not natural. That's not the way autistics speak, act, or behave. The way I see it, it defeats the purpose of showing and teaching NT's true acceptance of ND individuals. I also find it extremely annoying with so many cuts. I usually don't leave comments on UA-cam. But I felt I had to share as I truly love your style and what you're doing. It takes courage to get out there. I take my hat off for you. :) Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I know it's helping many families and individuals out there.
I want to clarify that by cuts, I meant the extremely frequent jumps in their videos that make it look very choppy. I'm not sure if I'm explaining it clearly enough. I'm not talking about the pauses you were making, which you needed to gather your thoughts. It worked very well for this video, by the way. And I loved your video! I especially liked when you were saying that we should be able to talk the way that feels more natural and not force one party to match the other. I'm always saying something similar about expecting the autistic (or any disabled person regardless of ability) to have to make all the effort to match the population without any challenges. There are so many things in this world that could be done to make society more inclusive and everybody could benefit from those changes, not just a percentage of humanity. And yes, I agree, we need to find a way to communicate between NTs and NDs. Great video. Loved it, loved it, loved it. ♥
😊❤️😊 I'm so happy you liked my video and I'm glad you commented. So many things that are designed for the disability community really benefit the general population!
Someone on my city's website said she needed a couch for her living room. And I thought OMGosh you don't have a couch to sit on😮! And I typed "Oh I'm so sorry you don't have a couch." And she answered back that she'd take my sarcasm as meant to be in a good way. And I thought why does she think that was sarcasm. I typed back "Oh I wasn't meaning to sound sarcasm. I really do feel bad that you don't have a couch. I was so shocked she thought I was being sarcastic..
Great example of when NT’s don’t give all the relevant information when they say something. She should have said ‘new couch’ or ‘another couch’ then there would have been no confusion.
Off topic here . . . I don't know if anyone here likes paranormal videos, but I've been binge watching the Adam Mark Explores channel here on UA-cam lately. Cool stuff! It has kind of reignited my interest in the paranormal.
I so appreciate these uploads of yours and as you say, speaking off the cuff, much prefer this honest approach 🙂Such a great little channel. Thank you again for another brilliant talk, learning so much! Best wishes
Speaking of your flowers they are lovely and bright in the same way the comment section is. 😊 I think you (Amanda) produce excellent Amanda videos. Your own words and manner, the level of honesty and willingness to be vulnerable may be far more powerful to others than you realize. Thanks much.
That's me. One day in my mid thirties I just kind of snapped. I remember being the kid who kissed every girl on the bus in elementary and middle school. For the same reason I loved Naptime in kindergarten. I always smiled so big it ruined pictures. Sometimes I'd like to get that back.... Other times I think it made me a better more empathetic person... I dunno. Lol
You are welcome. I'm so happy that my videos are making a difference for some people, it's absolutely incredible. I'm also learning so much from all the comments too! 😊❤️
Video is great! You seemed to use the bullet points well & wisely. I think it helps a great deal to getting info across succinctly. Maybe add your bullet points to the description as well? For refernce for people who don't want to watch the same thing twice?
Do you think "thinking our feelings" is apart of masking? Like sometimes I'll say "I'm sad" but I don't actually feel the sadness I just think it or I suppose I think I'm supposed to feel sad in the situation but I may not physically feel the sadness,.. Then other times I'll actually be really physically sad but my face and tone won't express it. Emotions are so hard to describe and sometimes I don't even know if I'm expressing verbally how I even feel ... Or when I am expressing verbally if those around me will know what I mean because I don't always know the words that correlate to the feeling.
This sounds like alexithymia. I often will say I'm feeling what I think I'm supposed to be feeling but later realize it was part of my mask. It often takes some reflection for me to really understand my feelings.
it seems to me that a lot of allistic norms are straight up pathological. even though they have the /capacity/ to deal in subtleties, a lot of this subtlety doesn't pave the way for intimate connections, or privacy, or anything of that sort. it doesn't protect people or allow them to get closer to others, it just leads to a lot of insecurity, and second guessing and that sort of thing. i always tend to describe how i perceive social boundaries and individuals in status quo as essentially being like suburban housing, this ugly gridlike network of superifically homogenous estates, a garden without life and kids that dont play in it, people get violent when you enter their properties, everyone is completely open but also lonely at the same time.
This is a really interesting way of thinking about it and I agree. Last night a NT friend told me she was struggling emotionally. But that's it. No details. It's hard to support someone who doesn't just share openly. I don't want to pry but also, it felt rude not to ask more. I hope I navigated the situation well. She knows I'm autistic, so hopefully any social faux pas gets passed off. I'm working hard to break down communication barriers but also respect people's boundaries too. It's a lot to navigate.
I have a question about asking for clarification. My husband is a self-diagnosed autistic and has masked for most of his 55 years. Lately, when I ask him for clarification on something, whether it's a casual thing or something more serious, he will get upset or angry, and VERY defensive. He will make comments about how unlikeable or useless he his, or "why even bother" trying to communicate anymore, etc. And it upsets me, because I feel like I can't ever ask him anything. I find myself walking on eggshells around him lately, for fear of upsetting him or unintentionally starting an argument. We've been married 30+ years, but this a new response. Anybody have any input? And yeah, I know I'm asking internet strangers for advice, which may not end well but I still have faith in the kindness of others, especially the ND folks out there. Thank you!!!
It sounds to me like possibly something has happened to him recently (perhaps outside the home) which has caused his self esteem to plummet so that he feels the way he describes in communication. Has something happened at his work or in a social environment? On social media? Since it is a change and you say he is not usually like that, perhaps he is feeling he has ‘had enough’ whatever it is and could be approaching burnout.
It's really hard to say. And of course I'm not a medical professional. I know after my diagnosis there was a lot of confusion, some imposter syndrome (I have a video on that) and just so much to process. He's probably working through a lifetime of figuring out how his life was impacted by being undiagnosed. Therpay has really helped me work through so much of this. There's also often internalized ableism he might be working through. So many people think of Autism as one way (often negative) and then when they get diagnosed with it that's a lot to come to terms with. Hope this helps some.
@@tracik1277 ... or a depression. At any rate, something serious, I should say. One situation I could imagine is that a boss of his has been giving him a bad "dressing-down" because of his "bad communication skills".
1:04, Well, in being "all over the place" this is nothing unusual - all humans are like this many times, 1:15: all humans need context, the problem that I know with some autistic pupils is that they don't give a context, but instead a context less brain dump, assuming that everyone knows *their* context, 3:58: as a mild Tourettes computing nerd, I would regard statements of facts about the surrounding world annoying. I can see the reality by myself, but I'm probably deep in my mind with problem solving, and my concentration is easily disrupted (the Tourettes part) by a voice saying anything. 5:29: _"I'm going to say something that I find positive about your dress"_ That's the normal neuro-typical behavior. I wish I can do that too, I'm going to exercise it some day. 7:48: Too complicated! I want everyone to wear a badge: "I'm autistic", "I have a mild Tourettes", "I have ADHD", "I'm a neurotypical" and such. It would make life so much easier!
3:08 As a Dyslexic AuDHD, making the mistake of just stating what is in front of me, gets me in trouble constantly. I often hear, "You, as the Autistic person, know blurting out thoughts is a problem, please work harder on controlling this Behavior."
Hi! Thank you for your video. My brother is 14 and is diagnosed with ADHD but I'm strongly suspecting he's on the spectrum. My family members are very ciritcal of the increase in diagnosed autistic people. (Eye roll) I'm covertly learning and going to be sharing this info with my brother through converstations with no mention of the word "autism" for now. I just listened to your hierarchy video and I think he does this with family. Like "why am I not equal, age doesnt mean your smarter than me, and that I have to do what you say" I think that's also a bit of not having rigid boundaires due to parenting style. So not sure what to do there. Anyway, this all feels very complicated but i just want to give him tools to communicate and understand the world. So anyone who sees this, please give me some advice if you're able! ❤
❤️❤️ I think your plan is great. You can also use the words on the spectrum. Some people are more open to that at first. Also, it's not that our numbers are increasing it's that we are being discovered. If it was an increase we'd suddenly have a lot of new baby autistics. But many of us are finally getting diagnosed in our 20s all the way to 70s! Living a complely undiagnosed autistic life. I know you get that. Look up graphs showing left-handness. It's similar situation. Lefthandedness suddenly exploded when people started accepting that being lefthanded didn't mean you were sinning or something like that.
Very helpful thanks. If only allistic people would take the time to try and understand 🥲. I also hate it when someone rushes you for an answer and gets impatient and moves on even when you tell them you are just processing that and need a bit more time. So frustrating!
Thank you for being who you are. We love you back.💓 Could you volg on💓your experiences, being with unmasking prosess now (Oct. 2023). 😊Again, Thank you🌹🌹🌹!
I'm not sure I understand the question. This vlog has been an ongoing process. I continuely talk about how I unmask. Is there specific questions you have? I'd love to help answer if I can.
I'm sorry. This is an example of what I mean. I Get focused on one aspect of a problem and lose overview. What is good about your vlog is you are able to tie everything together. in a good, loving way. I could have managed a horrible situation much better than bursting into tears in the street in front of a doctors office. It is all about communicating in a way that professionals with a neurotypical education don't get insulted. I tried to explain ,among other things, why putting me in an "age-appropiate group" as a"senior-citizen", would be a disaster for everybody concerned. I couldn't manage masking for such a long time. I am an introvert by nature. Always HATED birthday parties and was always invited only.because mothers insited. Now I am regarded as a "bad patient"at a busy clinic and just the thought of going to the local, shop for milk puts me in tears again.Thanks for listening.
I like the format of your video. Problem though: as a (mild) Tourettes person, I easily get distracted by some person hammering in the background. Not your fault, though!
Triggered! Not by you but by the therapist Tik Toker. Here is my someone defensive reposte to having to follow up a fact with something positive...there is lots of variation within the allistic community too, and I think that a high percentage of the people who become therapists are predisposed to positive thinking as a universal best practice. Certainly they are taught that, and yes, overall positive thinking tends to be better than negative. But some therapeutic strategies that make absolute sense to a therapist neurotype don’t work that well for some of their patients. It can be like a minister recognizing that invoking god’s will will resonate for some but not all. If therapists want their patients to learn self acceptance and to understand themselves, they do have to watch out not to suggest that the only way to do this is to view the world exactly like the therapist does. That’s not actually an affirming message.
ETA: it’s actually useful info for an autistic person to have in terms of understanding why we might get the reactions we do...I knew long ago I was not “good at affirmation.” The issue becomes if the language used is oriented toward “this is what I SHOULD do.” There’s a reason why autistic people sometimes use the metaphor of telling a person in a wheelchair what they need to do is walk. I know it can seem to therapists that anything behavioral is “fixable,” but speaking of situations in which someone can send a message that is not received as they intended...positivity shaming is an issue for me.
9:16: there are malicious narcissists out there, they are rude and mean in order to feel a (false) sense of superiority, they require their own story, and there are lots of psychologists on UA-cam that can explain what they are doing and why, I follow @DarrenFMagee he is a nice guy, 14:57: _"autism is a disability"_ ... naaah, I'm not so sure ... autism is often connected with certain handicaps such as lowered IQ, problems with concentration, and others, but ... autism per se, why is it then that there is a *_great_* part, not the majority, but say some 20-40% of mathematicians and programmers that are autistic to some degree? I'm not so sure autism is a handicap but rather a "special gift", that requires a special handling in order for the best societal profit.
Autism absolutely is a disability. Also, handicap is not a word used anymore. I have other videos going into why it is a disability. But the simple fact is that USA and most countries do list it as a Disability
I am trying NOT to import information about allistics negatively, since that's what they do to us... but MAAAAAAANNNN the more I hear about these "allistic tips" the more is just sounds like bitchy cliche-ish bullshit, tbh! Like parallel to what I just said, I also just can't allow a world in my mind where the 'average' person is Regina George from meangirls. They HAVE to be the outlier.... they HAVE to be. They MUST be, right? That surely can't be the pinnacle of what our society is valuing......... or is it? I know plenty of allistics don't think or value this, but now I can't help but wonder... is that just because they aren't in a position to wield that power of hierarchy themselves? This, I am less sure about either way. Anyway, the TLDR is that neurodiversity movements, neurotribes, is a useful and valuable concept and IRL influence for everyone. But keep that crap away from me, that's for sure!
Some days I have kindness towards allistic people and some days I want to pull out my hair. Today I got an email answer back to an email I sent out a couple weeks ago. I purposefully kept it brief and they still didn't answer ANY of my questions. Like are we even speaking the same language?
Short answer is, I started this channel just before my autistic/adhd diagnosis. I thought it'd be about Aphantasia which is also often called Mindblindness (because Aphants can't visualize in their minds eye.) It was the first Neurodivergency I learned about myself. I decided to keep the name, even after learning about being Autistic. I go into more detail here: ua-cam.com/video/WkZyXBD2tbM/v-deo.html
The captions at the top of this video don't match what you're saying, which is giving me cognitive dissonance & making it VERY hard for me to pay attention to what you're saying. Please either correct the captions or remove them. Thanks. (Also, you should probably have stayed in a hotel while all this construction was going on because all the hammering in the background is giving ME a meltdown!)
That's unfortunate, when I uploaded them they were fine on my end. I tried a new thing in my software editing, but I only got one video out of it and then there's a pay wall so I probably won't use it again. I wish we could have gone to a hotel but with two cats and two dogs that would have been a lot to navigate. I was hoping the hammering wouldn't pick up on the phone. I do the best I can and I'm working on doing better as I learn.
Hey friend, honestly questioning was my first best friend also slightly on the spectrum, one day he pointed out something so real to me but i thought it was cause we were just potheads 😂 he said something like "is it just me or does talking to anyone else feel like days of our life soap opera" then he described more detail like how everyone is so invested in each little word and meaning and emotion where you almost feel stuck/locked into them like a RPG game such as skyrim or fallout when an NPC runs up and starts dialouge and i knew exactly what he meant, we could always say whatever and never take offense but that was unhealthy for him to be my very first best friend cause i assumed everyone was that way once you become good enough friends with them and then it feels like no matter how good of a friend you find they dont fully seem to unlock that next level of non chalantness
16:39 bingo, i had an old friend / drinking buddy who once said in a messenger voice clips "words dont hurt me man you might get effected by wprds like that but not me" and i foolishly took him for someone on my level when in fact words did end up hurting him later and he got super mad 😂 so now i know these types almost secretly admire our ability and like to act as if you can talk to them unemotionally untill they finally cant fake it
I feel like I need to mention something and you can do what you want with it. I enjoy reading your comments, I think they are interesting and further the conversation. But as a woman I am offended by your username and profile picture. It is incongruous with the type of thoughtful comments you leave. I don't know if you are aware of this, so I felt like I needed to mention it. It makes it uncomfortable for me to engage with you in commentary because your user name + profile picture bothers me. I don't usually like to leave unsolicited advice but I felt like it was inauthentic of me to not speak up.
I very much respect your honesty here, i must admit i felt a little out of place commenting on such a serious topic from this profile, so its a mutual feeling, although maybe i thought i was just being overly paranoid about it and assumed you wouldnt even give it much thought, but i can see now that you notice it too and dont like it so ill start commenting from my alt account once i finish replying to your previous replies. Sorry again my friend i didnt mean to offend you, if it makes me seem like any less of a creep the username is a reference to a seinfeld episode but i get how the profile picture takes away from that context. Sorry again my friend, and sorry if this message seems "short" as im currently at work, so dont think you made me mad in anyways shape or form, if i comment from an alt account ill be sure to let you know its me
Finally found where we originally spoke about this, its me again friend. This is the account ill be using to leave comments here from now on, just wanted to touch base with you and let you know its me so you dont think i got mad and never came back 😂
It’s so frustrating when people put a meaning behind words that we don’t mean. I usually get mad, asking how they got to that conclusion. Personally, I don’t think I’m able to comprehend why they will just assume. As you said, we should try to be more direct! Thanks for the video ❤
For this discussion, I think your notes worked well. Your point about extroverted autistic people withdrawing over time is something I can relate to as a very awkward person with adhd. I put my foot in my mouth a lot and I can be a lot…sometimes it’s easier not to try.
Yep. There are so many days when I just get so exhausted trying to navigate social situations.
Typed up a big essay just now, but no matter how articulate i was i just couldnt quite capture what i was trying to say and thats saying alot considering im usually fine when i can stop and type it out but just commenting to say i felt this so much
@@ASSman864 yeah…currently dreading the prospect of sticking my foot in my mouth at our daughter’s upcoming wedding.
I withdrew over time. My ADHD makes me prone to winging it, by instinct, in social situations. Then I would process what I said later and get anxiety about it. I also used to use the classic self medicating technique of relaxing myself with some alcohol at the few parties I attended. Eventually I stopped drinking, in the hopes that I’d stop putting my foot in my mouth at them, and thereafter I would stand around, unsure of how to start a conversation and what to say if I did. I gradually became a hermit, except l get lonely. I like to talk to people, but I can only do it in my AuDHD way, and I’m really conscious of how that looks now. I don’t even seem be able to do masked conversing: I never learned those techniques, I still talk compulsively even on ADHD meds, I can’t process responses in real time, and yes, if I do succeed in managing myself, I’m so exhausted afterwards.
@@jimwilliams3816 I have the same experience with trying to socialize and having "flashbacks" of saying something wrong. But I finally realized most people take you at face value, and do not have the same reactions that you have internalized, for constant self-criticism. My mom once told me, the majority are more interested in what they are thinking than what you are saying. You are so self-involved and caught up in your presentation, but people just see your outside and your words go in one ear and out the other. So "just forget about" that thing you said that you think is so embarrassing. I can only socialize when I am drinking-- there I give my self-critic the excuse "Well, you were a little drunk, so don't worry about it". People do like attention. Even if you just come up at a party and listen to what they are saying, they will feel flattered. Now and then I can think of something to say, but it's not my job to be amazing. I just have to make myself get out of the house and be with some people, even if I don't like them or they don't like me. It's better for your mental health not to completely isolate.
Saying the obvious is something we do sometimes so we can interact and have something to say
This is also a good point. 😁
Lol, yes I do that too for the same reasons 🙂👍
This happens to me too. I was just trying to join in the conversation and I end up getting my feelings hurt when they say something like, "Duh." But I've also found out that sometimes when the obvious isn't said that this too can lead to miscommunication and they say, "Why didn't you tell me?" I don't know what to do....It's like darned if you do and darned if you don't.
i vote for off the cuff videos. there are very few people who dont sound like they are reading when they are reading. i appreciate your integrity and authenticity. ❤
I agree i dont remember the title of the first video of hers i seen but it was no edits, and ill always remember hearing her talk and realising i found one of my own
I have to respectfully disagree. Despite that I think Amanda's perspective is often just completely on the money, I do find many of her videos tough to follow because of the rambling and off the cuff nature. Having said that, I do agree wholeheartedly that the disjointed or scattered approach that we are often perceived as having is something that neurotypical people need to see and even we ourselves need to see we aren't alone, but I personally (obviously to each their own) would get more of of some regularly structured videos in addition to videos where she doesn't edit much and explicitly states it (lack of structure/ editing) at the beginning as she typically does now. Amanda, please keep up the amazing work. Your contributions to the community are invaluable and despite some of my constructive criticisms, I have found several of your observations/ lessons to be just mindblowing in that I had completely missed these things in the world until you've pointed them out. Thank you.
Sometimes I go through a phase of not being able to speak. I will try not to. I get very impatient if I have to explain something.
Thank you so much for this video. It made me cry. But , everything you said is spot on. I grew up in the 1970's. I was (am) "weird" / "hyper". I heard that I would grow out of it. Since I did not need significant support, that was it.. even though I had all the signs. No blame, no shame, that is just how it was. Unmasking is difficult, but in some way it is fun as a person in his mid 50's.
Unmasking has been a roller coaster of emotions at the very least... ❤️
I like the format of this video. My brain appreciates the level of structure 😊 by the way, I also like your pauses! They allow me to better process what I'm hearing and I think it makes what you're saying "stick" and "land" well. Especially when I'm focusing on an additional task while listening 😊 Pauses in speech are definitely not always an inconvenience to the listener, even if it's something the speaker can't always control.
I get annoyed at the videos where they edit so fast that it sounds like they never take a breath. If you listen to how many edits there are, you realize how bad they really are at speaking. They can't really talk that fast and get their ideas together, it's just a lot of editing. So, this is fine.
I cannot tell you how helpful your videos are to me. Thank you.
You're welcome, thank you for letting me know. 😊❤️
Amanda I want you to know that you teach me so much about myself when you talk about yourself and when you present discussions like this.
I think I have more or less the same laundry list of neuro atypcial conditions you have - I didn't even know some of them existed and in other cases didn't know what they were - or didn't understand the definitions or examples I had previously heard to understand they applied to me. I'm definately autisitic and was confident of that for a few years, but despite having heard a lot of other autisitc youtubers say they were also ADHD, I totally discounted that for me - but now I am like 90% sure that I have ADHD thanks to your discussions of ADHD.
Same with aphantasia. And SDAM. And alexithymia and Interoception. I can't remember if I learnt about those last two and their application to me from you or not, but it doesn't matter. That's a lot of learning and a lot of understanding about who I am and why. I only found your channel maybe two months ago
Your videos help me understand way more about who/what I am and how these conditions have been affecting my life and my interactions with the world. They are also helping me understand the allists perspective way better and helping me understand allists better. I still have a very very long way to go - I'm still not formerly diagnosed and i hve been high masking for 54 years. But i think I am getting to where I need and want to go a lot faster thanks to your videos. Other you tubers too, but I feel like a lot of the other autistic/ADHA/AudiHD you tubers concentrate on simpler questions or questions for people who are still not sure they are neurodiverse.
But you are working on questions that I havent even heard considered on other channels or only very tangentially and these are definately questions I need to be asking and understanding.
I really appreciate your content, how you deliver it and your generosity in sharing it all. You're really helping this autistic person learn and feel a little bit less alone.
As we say here in South Australia: thanks heaps.
Thank you for this heartfelt comment. I'm so happy my content has been helpful! 😊❤️😊 It really is what means the most to me.
Thanks for clarifying what allistic is. I’ve never heard of this term until a few days ago. To quote sigorney weaver, “yeah, I get that a lot!”
Meaning, I’ve had that problem where I try to clarify that I wasn’t trying to be mean, or I meant nothing by it. And a lot of times the person might still be mad.
I've been thinking so much about how bad we (western civilization) are at communicating, how my personality and social trauma from childhood is mostly due to poor communication and perceived rudeness (as well as neglect from my CPTSD mother). Your video sums those thoughts up perfectly, and even though I can "know" these things myself, seeing you connect the same logic and have the courage to put it out here makes me feel not so alone.
❤️😊 Our world really does need to work at communicating across the board. So much angst boils down to miscommunications.
Autistics: mean what we say, say what we mean, take other people’s words at face value.
NT’s: don’t say what they mean, don’t mean what they say, assume everyone else is doing the same.
It has taken me a long time to get my head round this. Hardly surprising given that it is a nonsensical way to carry on.
Thank you so very much for your videos. I have a child who is not neurotypical, and you are helping me understand him so that i can be a better parent and help him funtion well in our family with other kids who are neurotypical. The perspective you share is so valuable. From the bottom of my heart, thank you
Thank you so much for creating and for being our voice ❤ I love your authenticity. I love voice quality. I love everything about your channel and sincerest congratulations on 12,000 subscribers 🎉 You and your content are truly wonderful 🤗 Thank you for being here 💕🙏🏽💕
Thank you! It's amazing how quickly the community is growing. I'm thrilled! ❤️❤️❤️
I like you Amanda, unedited and true 😊🌸
You have to communicate the way that’s best for you!
Both formats have a place and time. I like and appreciate that you mostly do off-the-cuff videos because that's helped me see and understand some things in myself and the expectations of those around me. You're amazing and appreciated and I'm grateful for you and your content! Also, your sign-off is amazing and the world needs more of that! 🤟
🤟 I'm glad you appreciate the sign off. ASL is near and dear to my heart. I really want to learn more but struggle with learning new languages. I suspect having aphantasia and not being able to visualize the signs plays a part in my ASL struggle. I have to use muscle memory.
I am never able to get my point across effecting on a topic twice in a row. I always do my best the first time when I am unscripted and when I try to repeat it I end up missing smaller details. But that could have been me masking my autism in the past because my first explanation of something was normally to long for people (my undiagnosed ADHD parents) to care about. They are still extremely ableist to me because they don't want to change how they see their "perfect golden child". But all of that is to say that you should keep doing the videos how you feel most comfortable especially because you have acquired such a loving community that it wouldn't make sense to change how you do things now.
Oh I definitely don't plan on changing completely, but some topics I just wanted to make sure I hit some specific points. I still felt like I kept this fairly loose, I wasn't reading from my noted except for one sentence I believe. I appreciate your feedback and support! ❤️
I think there is a vast difference between people which includes those on the spectrum. My daughter is no where near your level of emotional expression. She’s not aware of the intricacies like you are in relationships. Also, she gets stuck on the “replay” of something not turning out the way she’d like which makes it harder to move forward. An example: recently, the pharmacist told her that she would call my daughter back after trying to find an alternative medication as insurance would not cover the one her Dr. Called in. My daughter kept asking…why didn’t she call back when she said she would. I told her I didn’t know, but offered a slew of possibilities. I asked for what the turned down medication was-it turned out to be Zaditor, an over the counter eye drops. The Dr. Had written-ketotifen down & she was told Claritin. So…with communication I have to get lots of clarification in order to understand as well as help her resolve misunderstandings. I ordered via the mail to have the eye drops shipped to my daughter-that took care of that situation in part but the people around us don’t realize in what they say how others perceive-don’t…”get it”. It is good you are able to articulate so well where you are coming from. The sign language is nice for those of us who recognize that sign.
The Autism spectrum is very vast. Currently we just have support needs listed as level 1, 2 & 3. I don't think that's the best system but it is the current one (at least in USA.) I've had similiar delimmas at the pharmacy from taking things so literally. One thing life experience and the fact I've taken many personal development courses has made a huge difference in understanding neurotypical thinking.... to a point. I obviously miss so much and am still learning everyday.
Yep I state things all the time in my environment but I always quickly say something like a compliment afterwards because I've learned it "sounds weird" to state things randomly
Amanda, you mentioned unintended volume changes in autistic speech at times. When an autistic person's volume gets louder, what would be the best way to comment about this to them? Also are there times if someone says something about your volume, that you feel they are raising their voice to you, even if they are not?
Another very good video, I am having much more fun being able to talk to my wife (of 35 yrs of marriage) with your help. Thank you again.
If it's a thing they are aware they are doing and are working on then a reminder is useful. My kids and I are all Autistic and when one of us gets unintentionally loud, we sort of gesture with our hand a signal to lower voice. That reminds us to do so.
If it isn't something you've discussed before, it'd be kind to bring it up. "I really enjoy talking with you, but sometimes when you talk your volume gets louder and I'm not sure if you realize this? It hurts my ears/ or it makes me think you're yelling at me (etc.) Do you mind if I let you know when this happens so you can lower your voice?"
I personally don't feel like this is asking an Autistic person to mask. For those of us who are capable, navigating sensory experiences for everyone in the room is best approached as a compromise. Just realize the intention of the loud volume isn't yelling/anger we often do it with no awareness.
And obviously, I'm only one Autistic person, your wife may have a different response.
I liked this video, the communication differences are a really important topic and I love hearing someone give voice to the autistic side. I find it frustrating when allistic people talk about their meanings and interpretations as universal. I also agree with you that I think some people begin to act introverted not as part of their 'natural' style but as a result of/protection from experiences of receiving critiques, neglect, or abuse from others
I love your off the cuff videos the best. I can see how it helped to be more scripted for this though. You had so many important things to cover. I'd say go for whatever works best at the time. Oh, and I really loved looking at your garden. Nature is so regulating for me. 🌻🌳
Thank you! It's nice to mix it up sometimes. This is my absolute favorite time of year to be outside where I live.
Thanks Amanda. Like off the cuff 👍🏻👍🏻💞👊 Already forgot my question ….🤪💞👊🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Miscommunication is the reason I started using tone tags online when writing to other people when I think my message might be misinterpreted. The problem is when I don't use them because I think my message was clear. Only on very rare occasions do people ask for clarification. So I myself am also trying to get into the habit of assuming less and asking for clarification more often.
I love the use of tone tags! I've been using them more and more and I hope they catch on more widely in places where it'd make a difference.
If people are too direct or too professional with me I can misinterpret that as them having an attitude. I'm aware of it but it still happens. I like jokes but I don't understand teasing at all. With that being said there are a lot of people with genuine bad attitudes out there. But I also notice that when I'm direct with people they don't like it either, so I just learned to be nice and agreeable. I'm working on unmasking as a late diagnosed Autistic Person.
A lot of autistic people just naturally are direct and or will act extra professional as a coping mechanism.
My Mom and I have a big project coming up too. Once she finishes paying her taxes, and filling out those stupid forms online, we're going to pull everything out of her bedroom, dust, paint, put new carpet, a new fan and fixtures. Our house is going to be a mess with her stuff but it should be fun. I have a few ideas that I think she's going to like!
Sounds fun! I hope it goes like planned!
I often ask people what they mean when Im not sure. Because I often misunderstand and the other way around.
I do this too but have unconscious trigger phrases, mostly being misunderstood so comes across as higher tone and 100% defensive …. And that usually never ends good. Also I feel the energy, before the tone and words come out , so my response may not always be correct and therefore comes across as harsh. This can become a death spiral for the context of the convo and degrades into mud slinging. And I walk right into it every time without correcting or being aware until a 5 min monologue of ideas, thoughts and many, many , never ending QQQQQ’s. I’ll never be able to stop asking questions and that drives some people crazy.
Excellent observations.
One time a good friend got a new haircut and asked me what I thought. Now, I don’t really know about hair or style or anything but I tried to be thoughtful and honest. I said it was cute but a little flat and asked if she had hair volumizing products. Apparently that was a hurtful thing to say and I apologized for hurting her feelings.
These types of questions are always so hard to navigate as an Autistic person.
Yup! Offending someone because they asked for my opinion and didn’t like my answer… 🙋♀️ I always say: “don’t ask me what I think when you don’t want to hear my answer”. Until recently I had NO IDEA that when most people ask for your opinion, they don’t actually want to know what you think, they are either looking for a compliment or reassurance. I was MIND-BLOWN. When I ask someone for their opinion, I actually want to know what they really think, I don’t want to hear an opinion that is mine parroted at me and I’m not fishing for compliments either. If I wanted to get a compliment I would say “please tell me that…” ugh! It kinda sucks because I inevitably offend my partner or my friends or family members but I can’t be other way because not saying what I think seems insincere and unkind. 😌
@@Marty656 yeah, that’s how I see it too. But if people want me to just compliment them, fine. But I don’t like it. And like you said, I struggle to get honest answers from them.
It’s good to hear you be so honest in the way you communicate. I liked that you had an outline you could come back to. :)
I figured out I was masking extroversion more than a decade before I gave serious thought to the prospect that I might be autistic. I have lots of sensory undersensitivities with few hypersensitivities and interacted well with adults as a child, so I never got diagnosed, but masking took energy and felt wrong, so I never saw the point. Being a low-masking, undiagnosed autistic does *not* endear you to your classmates, so extroversion is painful. Around third grade I decided "I won't be friends with anyone unless they're friends with me first", and disengaged from my peers until I got some weird results from a personality test just after I graduated from high school. It was at that point that I figured out I was an extrovert and started trying to recover, but being an autistic extrovert is *hard*.
Thank you for your clarification regarding the I love you in America sign language. That explanation shows me that you really care.
Thank you thank you thank you!!!
I love ASL so much. One day I'd like to be fluent. As it is, I only know some basics.
Very helpful. I'm 66 years old and have known sometimes people take things I say as a judgement and I was never 100% sure why. They seemed very insecure to me which I still think is true, but good to know how they need their ego handled.
I've lived as a hermit for almost 4.5 years which has been wonderful. For most of my life I did very well with relationships. I knew what to say and when to say it. Long term live-in partners was harder because I couldn't keep it up 24/7. However, it was a lo of work, not much fun and I certainly got nothing back so over the decades I saw less reason.
Planning to move to SE Asia next year. I think in a different culture and English not being the primary language that I won't have these communication issues. To them if I say "You're wearing a yellow dress" they might say "yes" back and think nothing more of it. English is used to communicate only, not be passive aggressive. Subtlety isn't possible.
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I'm only finding the energy to watch this now, but I'm so glad I did! I'm three years into discovering I'm autistic, and I can't believe how many ah-ha moments are still coming up for me. When I think back to the fracturing that began with my best friend, I understand that it began now with comments like that from me, where I'm just processing what I'm seeing, but she always took it as criticism. We were young, and she never brought up hurt feelings, but I could always sense an energy shift when I had my processing moments. I would be so angry with myself- "why can't I keep these thoughts to myself!?" would echo through my mind after most social interactions. Now I know why I do this- an NO, I would never say something intentionally hurtful or judgy, even to someone I DON'T like!
Your observation that perhaps there would be more outgoing autistic people if we didn't face so much criticism, mystery friendship-endings, bullying, etc. from the outside world I think is an astute one. This rings so true for my experience. I was an outgoing little girl, who gradually became more and more terrified of making friends and being around people. I'm 33 now, and when I'm by myself, I'm at my happiest and most self-secure. When I'm around others, I feel reduced. I'm just so scared, all of the time, in every social instance, of making a "mistake."
😊 Glad you stopped by. Looking backwards after a diagnosis (self or medical) really makes so much make sense.
I never called it AuHdhd, but I'm fine with the definition. (I just state to be Autistic with AdHd)
The fun part of having both is that one can be introvert and extrovert on occasions.
Really interesting subject dough, "stating facts being judgemental, never heard of it before but it explains a lot (of the past..)!
Honestly I think one reason it gets called AuDHD is on Tiktok there is a 150 character limit on comments and so we say AuDHD instead of Autistic & ADHD to save characters. Lol.
I discovered you today via a random suggestion on my Google search homepage, and I'ma be honest, I'm in total agapé (friend-love)!! I am so into the long-form no pauses. Been finding resonance with content-creators on TikTok but frankly get a bit irked by the pop-pop-pop short-form sound byte style and it is a comfort and a relief to come across your channel! Thank you for doing this! I feel so seen, and I shared this video with my sweety and already it's unfolding better understanding between us! I am grateful for you! ❤️
Aw, I'm glad you found me! This channel is growing a pretty awesome community.
i like that you don't edit! perfect.
I have gotten into so many arguments with my wife over things I never meant to say.
Great video! I too process very matter of fact and occasionally aloud. Also, it is rare for me to compliment something even if I like it. However, I often understate things when I do. If someone asks me how food is, I'll simply say, "It's good." Rather than "delicious" or "fantastic". That said, I do tend to use more superlatives when I write. Perhaps because I have more processing time in thinking about how I want to respond.
I think I do this too. I need time to process.
Your video is so relevant to do many of my struggles with speaking with people. Much of the time I speak to people I get hurt. This video is brilliant. You have a gift of phrasing things. You say things that I would struggle to say. I understand that you are not always like this., but still I appreciate this part of you when it arises. We can all struggle loss, but we can still help others who may be struggling in the same area. Thank you Amanda, as usual x
If there is two ways of taking something 9 times out of 10 I'll get it the wrong way.
I appreciated today’s format, and I have enjoyed your off-the-cuff videos as well! Your explanations always seem to register for me!
When you were mentioned allistic thinking facts are critiques, I personally don't like when allistic people give me a critism and then end on a positive comment. To me if someones criticizing me I don't expect them to say something nice .. I guess they add a nice comment so that the critism won't hurt as much but I'm so sensitive and all the positive comment does is confuse me because I don't know what their intentions are.
Just like when people say "not to be mean" and then say something mean? Why not just say the mean thing without a disclaimer or don't say it at all.
Sometimes I think allistic communication and thinking is actually abnormal and autistic communication is more clear and concise
I would like to add, because I understand how allistics take what I say and add meaning to it, I make sure to let them know what I mean and I also try my best not to come off as rude even tho sometimes if I'm not masking my tone it can sound mean
If I understand it right if they say "you're wearing the yellow dress" without follow up it's a criticism. But if they say "you're wearing the yellow dress. I love that color on you." Then the first part isn't a criticism, just part of their thought. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. And of course none of this is set in stone and everyone NT, ND or masked ND is going to be different. That's why effectively communicating really needs check ins! 😜
I'm so glad I found your channel 💛
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Haha. 😆 That beginning was funny.
I really like the points you made in this video and, as an autistic female my self, I can understand why you chose to edit more just to get through all the points you wanted to make. I would find it hard to make so many points and explain each one in such detail just talking off the cuff. Do you find it easier to do off the cuff videos when there are less points to make with less detail?
Either way, I like your content however you decide to make the video. Your videos are helping me to even gain the confidence to even try to post content of my own so thank you for being you in your videos. 🙂
I think a lot depends on how I'm feeling. I enjoy the off the cuff videos but I can't have too much planned. I just talk from my heart. But if it's a topic I've been mulling over and want to hit specific points I let my tangents get a hold of me. So this one I tried a mix, I had my points. I paused, read the point and then talked on it.
I recently found your channel and I immediately fell in love with your style. I think the first video of yours I found was one where you were having a bad day, pretty recent one. I thought it was the most honest, sincere, and real video I've ever seen a very long time. By the way, I love that you don't edit your videos. I've seen lots of content from autistic individuals who are heavily edit to remove the wondering eyes when thinking, the pauses, the stimming and such things. While their content is really great, it's not natural. That's not the way autistics speak, act, or behave. The way I see it, it defeats the purpose of showing and teaching NT's true acceptance of ND individuals. I also find it extremely annoying with so many cuts. I usually don't leave comments on UA-cam. But I felt I had to share as I truly love your style and what you're doing. It takes courage to get out there. I take my hat off for you. :) Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I know it's helping many families and individuals out there.
I want to clarify that by cuts, I meant the extremely frequent jumps in their videos that make it look very choppy. I'm not sure if I'm explaining it clearly enough. I'm not talking about the pauses you were making, which you needed to gather your thoughts. It worked very well for this video, by the way. And I loved your video! I especially liked when you were saying that we should be able to talk the way that feels more natural and not force one party to match the other. I'm always saying something similar about expecting the autistic (or any disabled person regardless of ability) to have to make all the effort to match the population without any challenges. There are so many things in this world that could be done to make society more inclusive and everybody could benefit from those changes, not just a percentage of humanity. And yes, I agree, we need to find a way to communicate between NTs and NDs. Great video. Loved it, loved it, loved it. ♥
😊❤️😊 I'm so happy you liked my video and I'm glad you commented. So many things that are designed for the disability community really benefit the general population!
I appreciate your methodology. 👍
Glad to hear that!
Someone on my city's website said she needed a couch for her living room. And I thought OMGosh you don't have a couch to sit on😮! And I typed "Oh I'm so sorry you don't have a couch." And she answered back that she'd take my sarcasm as meant to be in a good way. And I thought why does she think that was sarcasm. I typed back "Oh I wasn't meaning to sound sarcasm. I really do feel bad that you don't have a couch. I was so shocked she thought I was being sarcastic..
Great example of when NT’s don’t give all the relevant information when they say something. She should have said ‘new couch’ or ‘another couch’ then there would have been no confusion.
It is so weird when I get accused of being sarcastic when I'm not.
Off topic here . . . I don't know if anyone here likes paranormal videos, but I've been binge watching the Adam Mark Explores channel here on UA-cam lately. Cool stuff! It has kind of reignited my interest in the paranormal.
I so appreciate these uploads of yours and as you say, speaking off the cuff, much prefer this honest approach 🙂Such a great little channel. Thank you again for another brilliant talk, learning so much! Best wishes
😁 😁
Speaking of your flowers they are lovely and bright in the same way the comment section is. 😊 I think you (Amanda) produce excellent Amanda videos. Your own words and manner, the level of honesty and willingness to be vulnerable may be far more powerful to others than you realize. Thanks much.
That's me. One day in my mid thirties I just kind of snapped. I remember being the kid who kissed every girl on the bus in elementary and middle school. For the same reason I loved Naptime in kindergarten. I always smiled so big it ruined pictures. Sometimes I'd like to get that back.... Other times I think it made me a better more empathetic person... I dunno. Lol
You are welcome. I'm so happy that my videos are making a difference for some people, it's absolutely incredible. I'm also learning so much from all the comments too! 😊❤️
Video is great! You seemed to use the bullet points well & wisely. I think it helps a great deal to getting info across succinctly. Maybe add your bullet points to the description as well? For refernce for people who don't want to watch the same thing twice?
Do you think "thinking our feelings" is apart of masking? Like sometimes I'll say "I'm sad" but I don't actually feel the sadness I just think it or I suppose I think I'm supposed to feel sad in the situation but I may not physically feel the sadness,.. Then other times I'll actually be really physically sad but my face and tone won't express it. Emotions are so hard to describe and sometimes I don't even know if I'm expressing verbally how I even feel ... Or when I am expressing verbally if those around me will know what I mean because I don't always know the words that correlate to the feeling.
This sounds like alexithymia. I often will say I'm feeling what I think I'm supposed to be feeling but later realize it was part of my mask. It often takes some reflection for me to really understand my feelings.
I like both styles of videos, but for this one, having it more structured worked out better
it seems to me that a lot of allistic norms are straight up pathological. even though they have the /capacity/ to deal in subtleties, a lot of this subtlety doesn't pave the way for intimate connections, or privacy, or anything of that sort. it doesn't protect people or allow them to get closer to others, it just leads to a lot of insecurity, and second guessing and that sort of thing. i always tend to describe how i perceive social boundaries and individuals in status quo as essentially being like suburban housing, this ugly gridlike network of superifically homogenous estates, a garden without life and kids that dont play in it, people get violent when you enter their properties, everyone is completely open but also lonely at the same time.
This is a really interesting way of thinking about it and I agree. Last night a NT friend told me she was struggling emotionally. But that's it. No details. It's hard to support someone who doesn't just share openly. I don't want to pry but also, it felt rude not to ask more. I hope I navigated the situation well. She knows I'm autistic, so hopefully any social faux pas gets passed off. I'm working hard to break down communication barriers but also respect people's boundaries too. It's a lot to navigate.
I have a question about asking for clarification. My husband is a self-diagnosed autistic and has masked for most of his 55 years. Lately, when I ask him for clarification on something, whether it's a casual thing or something more serious, he will get upset or angry, and VERY defensive. He will make comments about how unlikeable or useless he his, or "why even bother" trying to communicate anymore, etc. And it upsets me, because I feel like I can't ever ask him anything. I find myself walking on eggshells around him lately, for fear of upsetting him or unintentionally starting an argument. We've been married 30+ years, but this a new response. Anybody have any input? And yeah, I know I'm asking internet strangers for advice, which may not end well but I still have faith in the kindness of others, especially the ND folks out there. Thank you!!!
It sounds to me like possibly something has happened to him recently (perhaps outside the home) which has caused his self esteem to plummet so that he feels the way he describes in communication. Has something happened at his work or in a social environment? On social media? Since it is a change and you say he is not usually like that, perhaps he is feeling he has ‘had enough’ whatever it is and could be approaching burnout.
It's really hard to say. And of course I'm not a medical professional. I know after my diagnosis there was a lot of confusion, some imposter syndrome (I have a video on that) and just so much to process. He's probably working through a lifetime of figuring out how his life was impacted by being undiagnosed. Therpay has really helped me work through so much of this. There's also often internalized ableism he might be working through. So many people think of Autism as one way (often negative) and then when they get diagnosed with it that's a lot to come to terms with. Hope this helps some.
@@tracik1277 ... or a depression. At any rate, something serious, I should say. One situation I could imagine is that a boss of his has been giving him a bad "dressing-down" because of his "bad communication skills".
15:23 "ALICE stick person". In Wonderland?
Allistic means Non-Autistic. Often the autocaptions don't catch my speech correctly.
1:04, Well, in being "all over the place" this is nothing unusual - all humans are like this many times, 1:15: all humans need context, the problem that I know with some autistic pupils is that they don't give a context, but instead a context less brain dump, assuming that everyone knows *their* context, 3:58: as a mild Tourettes computing nerd, I would regard statements of facts about the surrounding world annoying. I can see the reality by myself, but I'm probably deep in my mind with problem solving, and my concentration is easily disrupted (the Tourettes part) by a voice saying anything. 5:29: _"I'm going to say something that I find positive about your dress"_ That's the normal neuro-typical behavior. I wish I can do that too, I'm going to exercise it some day. 7:48: Too complicated! I want everyone to wear a badge: "I'm autistic", "I have a mild Tourettes", "I have ADHD", "I'm a neurotypical" and such. It would make life so much easier!
3:08 As a Dyslexic AuDHD, making the mistake of just stating what is in front of me, gets me in trouble constantly.
I often hear, "You, as the Autistic person, know blurting out thoughts is a problem, please work harder on controlling this Behavior."
Exactly, and it isn't our responsibility to be the only ones to make sure clear communication is happening.
Hi! Thank you for your video. My brother is 14 and is diagnosed with ADHD but I'm strongly suspecting he's on the spectrum. My family members are very ciritcal of the increase in diagnosed autistic people. (Eye roll) I'm covertly learning and going to be sharing this info with my brother through converstations with no mention of the word "autism" for now. I just listened to your hierarchy video and I think he does this with family. Like "why am I not equal, age doesnt mean your smarter than me, and that I have to do what you say" I think that's also a bit of not having rigid boundaires due to parenting style. So not sure what to do there. Anyway, this all feels very complicated but i just want to give him tools to communicate and understand the world. So anyone who sees this, please give me some advice if you're able! ❤
❤️❤️ I think your plan is great. You can also use the words on the spectrum. Some people are more open to that at first. Also, it's not that our numbers are increasing it's that we are being discovered. If it was an increase we'd suddenly have a lot of new baby autistics. But many of us are finally getting diagnosed in our 20s all the way to 70s! Living a complely undiagnosed autistic life. I know you get that. Look up graphs showing left-handness. It's similar situation. Lefthandedness suddenly exploded when people started accepting that being lefthanded didn't mean you were sinning or something like that.
Very helpful thanks. If only allistic people would take the time to try and understand 🥲. I also hate it when someone rushes you for an answer and gets impatient and moves on even when you tell them you are just processing that and need a bit more time. So frustrating!
I state facts with out content all the time...
I don't understand this statement
Love it love it love it fuck their feelings thank the creator for you geniuses y’all are such a blessing I mean it so serious 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯🪶🪶🪶🪶🪶🦬🦬🦬🦬🦬🦬
Thank you for being who you are. We love you back.💓 Could you volg on💓your experiences, being with unmasking prosess now (Oct. 2023). 😊Again, Thank you🌹🌹🌹!
I'm not sure I understand the question. This vlog has been an ongoing process. I continuely talk about how I unmask. Is there specific questions you have? I'd love to help answer if I can.
I'm sorry. This is an example of what I mean. I Get focused on one aspect of a problem and lose overview. What is good about your vlog is you are able to tie everything together. in a good, loving way. I could have managed a horrible situation much better than bursting into tears in the street in front of a doctors office. It is all about communicating in a way that professionals with a neurotypical education don't get insulted. I tried to explain ,among other things, why putting me in an "age-appropiate group" as a"senior-citizen", would be a disaster for everybody concerned. I couldn't manage masking for such a long time. I am an introvert by nature. Always HATED birthday parties and was always invited only.because mothers insited. Now I am regarded as a "bad patient"at a busy clinic and just the thought of going to the local, shop for milk puts me in tears again.Thanks for listening.
Sending hugs. It's so hard to advocate for ourselves, but keep persevering.
Amen
I like the format of your video. Problem though: as a (mild) Tourettes person, I easily get distracted by some person hammering in the background. Not your fault, though!
Triggered! Not by you but by the therapist Tik Toker. Here is my someone defensive reposte to having to follow up a fact with something positive...there is lots of variation within the allistic community too, and I think that a high percentage of the people who become therapists are predisposed to positive thinking as a universal best practice. Certainly they are taught that, and yes, overall positive thinking tends to be better than negative. But some therapeutic strategies that make absolute sense to a therapist neurotype don’t work that well for some of their patients. It can be like a minister recognizing that invoking god’s will will resonate for some but not all. If therapists want their patients to learn self acceptance and to understand themselves, they do have to watch out not to suggest that the only way to do this is to view the world exactly like the therapist does. That’s not actually an affirming message.
ETA: it’s actually useful info for an autistic person to have in terms of understanding why we might get the reactions we do...I knew long ago I was not “good at affirmation.” The issue becomes if the language used is oriented toward “this is what I SHOULD do.” There’s a reason why autistic people sometimes use the metaphor of telling a person in a wheelchair what they need to do is walk. I know it can seem to therapists that anything behavioral is “fixable,” but speaking of situations in which someone can send a message that is not received as they intended...positivity shaming is an issue for me.
yes, first to comment
hi amanda😊
Hi! 😊
I know some asl so I knew what you meant.
9:16: there are malicious narcissists out there, they are rude and mean in order to feel a (false) sense of superiority, they require their own story, and there are lots of psychologists on UA-cam that can explain what they are doing and why, I follow @DarrenFMagee he is a nice guy, 14:57: _"autism is a disability"_ ... naaah, I'm not so sure ... autism is often connected with certain handicaps such as lowered IQ, problems with concentration, and others, but ... autism per se, why is it then that there is a *_great_* part, not the majority, but say some 20-40% of mathematicians and programmers that are autistic to some degree? I'm not so sure autism is a handicap but rather a "special gift", that requires a special handling in order for the best societal profit.
Autism absolutely is a disability. Also, handicap is not a word used anymore. I have other videos going into why it is a disability. But the simple fact is that USA and most countries do list it as a Disability
I am trying NOT to import information about allistics negatively, since that's what they do to us... but MAAAAAAANNNN the more I hear about these "allistic tips" the more is just sounds like bitchy cliche-ish bullshit, tbh! Like parallel to what I just said, I also just can't allow a world in my mind where the 'average' person is Regina George from meangirls. They HAVE to be the outlier.... they HAVE to be. They MUST be, right? That surely can't be the pinnacle of what our society is valuing......... or is it? I know plenty of allistics don't think or value this, but now I can't help but wonder... is that just because they aren't in a position to wield that power of hierarchy themselves? This, I am less sure about either way.
Anyway, the TLDR is that neurodiversity movements, neurotribes, is a useful and valuable concept and IRL influence for everyone. But keep that crap away from me, that's for sure!
Some days I have kindness towards allistic people and some days I want to pull out my hair. Today I got an email answer back to an email I sent out a couple weeks ago. I purposefully kept it brief and they still didn't answer ANY of my questions. Like are we even speaking the same language?
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Why is the name of your channel mind blind, if you don’t mind me asking? You show a lot of awareness and not blindness.
Short answer is, I started this channel just before my autistic/adhd diagnosis. I thought it'd be about Aphantasia which is also often called Mindblindness (because Aphants can't visualize in their minds eye.) It was the first Neurodivergency I learned about myself. I decided to keep the name, even after learning about being Autistic.
I go into more detail here:
ua-cam.com/video/WkZyXBD2tbM/v-deo.html
The captions at the top of this video don't match what you're saying, which is giving me cognitive dissonance & making it VERY hard for me to pay attention to what you're saying. Please either correct the captions or remove them. Thanks. (Also, you should probably have stayed in a hotel while all this construction was going on because all the hammering in the background is giving ME a meltdown!)
That's unfortunate, when I uploaded them they were fine on my end. I tried a new thing in my software editing, but I only got one video out of it and then there's a pay wall so I probably won't use it again.
I wish we could have gone to a hotel but with two cats and two dogs that would have been a lot to navigate. I was hoping the hammering wouldn't pick up on the phone. I do the best I can and I'm working on doing better as I learn.
Hey friend, honestly questioning was my first best friend also slightly on the spectrum, one day he pointed out something so real to me but i thought it was cause we were just potheads 😂 he said something like "is it just me or does talking to anyone else feel like days of our life soap opera" then he described more detail like how everyone is so invested in each little word and meaning and emotion where you almost feel stuck/locked into them like a RPG game such as skyrim or fallout when an NPC runs up and starts dialouge and i knew exactly what he meant, we could always say whatever and never take offense but that was unhealthy for him to be my very first best friend cause i assumed everyone was that way once you become good enough friends with them and then it feels like no matter how good of a friend you find they dont fully seem to unlock that next level of non chalantness
16:39 bingo, i had an old friend / drinking buddy who once said in a messenger voice clips "words dont hurt me man you might get effected by wprds like that but not me" and i foolishly took him for someone on my level when in fact words did end up hurting him later and he got super mad 😂 so now i know these types almost secretly admire our ability and like to act as if you can talk to them unemotionally untill they finally cant fake it
I feel like I need to mention something and you can do what you want with it. I enjoy reading your comments, I think they are interesting and further the conversation. But as a woman I am offended by your username and profile picture. It is incongruous with the type of thoughtful comments you leave. I don't know if you are aware of this, so I felt like I needed to mention it. It makes it uncomfortable for me to engage with you in commentary because your user name + profile picture bothers me. I don't usually like to leave unsolicited advice but I felt like it was inauthentic of me to not speak up.
I very much respect your honesty here, i must admit i felt a little out of place commenting on such a serious topic from this profile, so its a mutual feeling, although maybe i thought i was just being overly paranoid about it and assumed you wouldnt even give it much thought, but i can see now that you notice it too and dont like it so ill start commenting from my alt account once i finish replying to your previous replies.
Sorry again my friend i didnt mean to offend you, if it makes me seem like any less of a creep the username is a reference to a seinfeld episode but i get how the profile picture takes away from that context. Sorry again my friend, and sorry if this message seems "short" as im currently at work, so dont think you made me mad in anyways shape or form, if i comment from an alt account ill be sure to let you know its me
Thank you for your response and understanding.
Finally found where we originally spoke about this, its me again friend. This is the account ill be using to leave comments here from now on, just wanted to touch base with you and let you know its me so you dont think i got mad and never came back 😂
@@deaf_brainyes this is my new account