I was very aware I was masking before I was diagnosed autistic at 26, but that doesn’t seem to be the norm. I think the fact that I grew up in a toxic family made me super self-aware. I kept telling loved ones and therapists ‘I feel like I’m not being myself around most people, they don’t know the real me, I feel like I’m wearing a mask’ and it really affected my mental health (still does, but now I understand it better). Therapists had no idea how to deal with it so they’d be confused and say ‘but what is it you do on your own that you can’t do around other people?’ and I didn’t really know how to answer because I hadn’t figured out what my mask looked like yet. I can’t believe they knew so little about autism that it didn’t even cross their mind!! So while for some people hearing about autistic masking for the first time might be confusing, for me it really was a lightbulb moment 😊 for my partner (autistic + ADHD), it wasn’t that obvious, it took him a while to realise he was masking. I’m glad you mentioned DID because it’s a fascinating subject and I’ve recently taken an interest in it 😊
I've always asked so many questions my whole life, and I never saw anything wrong with it. But people always seem to be so annoyed with me when I ask questions. Now that I know I'm autistic (late diagnosed at age 60), it makes more sense! But I honestly don't understand the annoyance, though. I'm happy to answer anyone's questions, especially if it makes them feel more comfortable in a situation.
I love how you laughed at the realisation of all clothing is uncomfortable 😂 I love even more your curls, eyes, and eye makeup. They suit you so well 💚💚💚
Autism is one of the few conditions that qualifies one for medical cannabis in my state. I just want to point out that the use of cannabis is not in the realm of "drugs and alcohol," or addictions that people fall into in an attempt to self-regulate. ❤
I just made it to the 6 minute mark and had to comment. So, before I realized I was masking there were often 'conversations' I would have in my head between what I felt was 'me' and what I called 'back room' or 'controller' like an identity that existed in kind of a closed off spot in my mind. I never really spoke with the controller. I just always felt that it was a little game I had for managing interactions and had this co-pilot with me that took over a lot of functions that I seemed like normal stuff. I hadn't even realized that since I started unmasking I haven't been experiencing moments with the controller or thought of them at all. All my actions seem so much more genuinely me, and are not run through the controller for approval. I had no idea that anything like that was a shared experience and thought it was nothing but an internal social management tool I had developed at some point.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, and I think it’s potentially quite useful to understand social masking and self masking as two separate things. Yes, they can be and most likely are heavily intertwined if you do both, but for me at least, it helped open some doors that were previously closed when it came to the process of discovering/becoming a more authentic me.
Even though I smoked once upon a time, I also HATE the smell of it. I got tired of constantly trying to gauge the breeze to avoid the smoke as much as possible, which my lungs do appreciate now.
Thank you, this has been very helpful! So many things resonated with me very well! This made me realise that masking isn't just how other people see me regarding my autistic traits, but about basically leaving my comfort zone in order to feel accepted. And also I have not heard earlier that masking is a trauma response, even though trauma and autism are closely linked and discussed in many videos. Makes perfect sense, though.
Thanks Amanda 🤗 Before I learned about Autistic masking, I also wanted to be authentic like you said. I used to get quite perturbed by the fact that I would find myself agreeing with and agreeing to things I didn’t really agree with and I never knew what was going on with that. In my last job it became clearer to me and I used to describe myself as acting the whole time I was at work and only being properly myself at home by myself.
I think it's interesting that people have different awareness level of their mask before diagnosis, and it really baffles me how I had almost zero awareness I was masking.
Looking back on how the mask develops. I remember riding the school bus at 10 years old and asking the kids who were a grade above what they’d been learning in their classes because I was really excited to take on more challenging and new material. I’d talk a lot about what I was learning, completely oblivious that no one was interested. That did not go over well. I got bullied so badly on the bus my mom had to start driving me to school, and I eventually stopped trying to learn from my classmates. I played alone or read in the library by myself. I met one boy who wasn’t like the others and we’d read together in the library and talk about “nerdy” things. He was teased a lot as well because he would pull out his eyelashes when he was nervous and had some other “ticks.” He was self-conscious and quiet but I thought the world of him because he wasn’t mean to me at all. Patient and kind. Thinking back on it, we were probably both ND.
I'm a big woman, why do people mispercieve me as "dangerous" I wont hurt them. I will NOT hurt them even in my WORST. I wish I could wear a big sign that will show up and say "I'm not dangerous" when I have a meltdown/shutdown. to LEAVE ME ALONE is the best tactic, but people seem to do the opposite and LOCK me UP and DRUG me. I been put into hospital TWICE and I get some of the WORST treatment possible. Misjudging medical professionals, I just ... cant get away from that torture. I want people to LEAVE ME ALONE not LOCK ME UP. Most people scare me.
Listening to this episode I suddenly realized I FIRST unmasked years before I even had an idea beeing autistic... And then I got mostly bad feedback. Hmmm. And yes, as a kid and young mother I was mostly the perfect tidy housewife, of cause helping on every event at church or sons school, "the mum that bakes"😂. Although I was the lefty single mum.
I don't know, maybe in the future, when life allows you to, you should think about going back to school for Psychology. You're an advocate for neurodivergent minds and seems you're researching it well. If the thought of going back to school for Psychology has crossed your mind, this maybe a confirmation for you to do it.
I have thought about it! On good days I think I could handle going back to school, but the hard days I can't even imagine. I don't know how I managed college the first time around. I wish I had done a psych major instead of architecture though!
@@i.am.mindblind I struggle with self doubt too. However, you should seriously think about it. I think you'd make an excellent counselor for the neurodivertgent. Who knows, there's probably a shortage of those who have the passion, like yourself, for the neurodivergent.
I felt l had to behave in a perfect way since I was a child. As an adult many people would say I was perfect but I definitely didn’t feel perfect and when I did get things wrong I would say see l got this wrong 🙈
Another good one, Amanda! I've been trying to understand the concept of masking. I don't know that I've, as an adult, tried to cover anything up. I do try hard to be more like the person I want to be. I'm not trying to be like somebody else, but to live up to my own standards. Does that make sense? I grew up with parents who were different from most of my friends' parents. They were pretty accepting of differences, but not of behaviors they didn't like. They were not very emotionally supportive, and I struggled, especially socially. So yes, when I was in school and even to some extent through college, I didn't talk a lot about my family when I was with my school mates or friends. I hid my background, but I wasn't trying to hide myself. I always knew I was different, maybe odd, but not in a stand out kind of way. I didn't find out I was autistic until I was 75 years old. I guess I was naive. I wanted to be accepted for who I am. Maybe that explains why I got metaphorically "stabbed in the back" a few times and it took me by surprise. The year when I was about 48 or so I was president of a very active community service club at the same time my marriage was breaking up. That was so difficult for me and caused a level of burnout or breakdown, and I've never even considered doing something like that since then. I usually think before I act and do what I think is right, so it's pretty hard to convince me I'm not right! Now I'm alone so much, I don't need to mask.
I am behind on watching videos again…I’ve been struggling with PDA and a few other things. Because of how I grew up in a cult, I honestly don’t know if part of my mask was actually a mask, or if it was more of a fear thing. I used to have several identities…one for my parents or any other adult figure that I was trying to please, my identity at church, my school and peer mask, and my public mask. I was always competing with myself…to be that perfect little girl so I wouldn’t get in trouble, but do the complete opposite in secret with some of my friends. It’s what made my anxiety so bad. I cared very deeply how others thought of me, and as the years went by that faded away. I really don’t care what people think of me in a lot of situations anymore. I’m not sure if I know the difference between my mask, and being polite and respectful, or conducting oneself in a way that is socially acceptable for an event. I’ve got all that down, thanks to my childhood. But where that ends and the mask begins…that’s what’s a little cloudy for me right now. Most of my core values and beliefs have never changed. But I feel like my unmasked self is like a pinball machine of this and that. Or things that didn’t used to bother me bother me now. It’s kind of a strange place to be in.
Hmmm. I am okay with imperfection. You can learn from your mistakes. I do tend to keep certain things within myself, but for me, AS an empath, I would feel THEIR hurt feelings, and feel my guilt for saying something that hurt someone else. ...I wouldn't say that I am a people pleaser. I learned years ago that people's approval is fickle. So, why "appear" to be different than how you really are to attempt to gain it? I, personally, see sexual orientation as something that just is. I am heterosexual. I am attracted to men. If my orientation led me to cheat on my husband, THAT is when I would be crossing the line into bad behavior. You can't choose whether or not attraction exists. But, you absolutely can choose your behavior! Way back when, maybe a month after we started dating, I promised my husband that if I should ever be attracted to anyone else, I would tell him about it so that we could work on the situation together. Get closer to each other. 12 years into our marriage, I think that we are closer than ever! In some ways, I think that our lives have taught us similar things, Amanda. My husband is the most morally courageous person I have ever known! He does right just because it IS right! He is intelligent, and he is a non-conformist. I am becoming more like him. I am starting to learn that it is okay to question authority, and go with what YOU think is the best course of action... I enjoyed your video! Thanks! Take care. Susan
It reminds me of my Tourettes with Copralalia and supressing tics.. When I end up suppressing my tics, the aftermath is much more painful than letting them fly freely as I'm exerting a lot of control over my muscles to prevent them from executing movements and sounds... ...energy levels drastically drop, it feels like someome has punched me repeatedly in my muscles and joints end up feeling arthritic... I end up in bed on a heat pad for the rest of the day. Point being.. we end up harming ourselves when we force ourselves to externalize normalcy.
8:10 I wouldn't talk about perfection but neurologically typical (if NT think that's perfection it's to them but we shouldn't use their discriminatory vocabulary against us). It's not a criticism but a comment to show how deep we have been conditioned against ourselves.
I'm more talking about black and white thinking plus a Pinterest level of living. For instance when I decided to make homemade baby food, b&w thinking happened. It never occurred to me I could sometimes feed my babies jarred food if I needed to. It was all or nothing, and so I caused a lot of stress in some situations making baby food for travel and such. My brain only allowed for "perfection" or "100%" of something, which of course left me so exhausted because humans can't function like that.
I wish we didnt have to care about what people think about our orientation... but when society will fire you, or lock you up... I kinda have to be mindful about what people think.... Medical doctors have drugged me twice this year, and society is usually mean to me. I'm asexual and autistic and female and adult.
I was really startled because I figured most of my followers were LGBTQ friendly. I know a lot are religious and I did my best to respect that in the religion video while also stating my beliefs.
Next time you want to show off beautiful but annoying jewelry, maybe show it off, very obviously, at the beginning of the video, and then, on camera, get more comfortable by removing it.
Definitely a good idea! Some days those earings don't bother me but sometimes they do. I'm always frustrated that necklaces and rings irritate me so much. Usually I can handle earings if they are light weight.
@@i.am.mindblind Earrings bug me, too. I usually have earrings in my car because I take them off on my way home from places. In my car, in my purse, in my pockets ...
an awesome autistic sentence: "I never ever believed in god" congrats on unmasking your queerness. sometimes people leave channels because the content creator is touching something that they don't want to face in themselves.
I was very aware I was masking before I was diagnosed autistic at 26, but that doesn’t seem to be the norm. I think the fact that I grew up in a toxic family made me super self-aware. I kept telling loved ones and therapists ‘I feel like I’m not being myself around most people, they don’t know the real me, I feel like I’m wearing a mask’ and it really affected my mental health (still does, but now I understand it better). Therapists had no idea how to deal with it so they’d be confused and say ‘but what is it you do on your own that you can’t do around other people?’ and I didn’t really know how to answer because I hadn’t figured out what my mask looked like yet. I can’t believe they knew so little about autism that it didn’t even cross their mind!! So while for some people hearing about autistic masking for the first time might be confusing, for me it really was a lightbulb moment 😊 for my partner (autistic + ADHD), it wasn’t that obvious, it took him a while to realise he was masking. I’m glad you mentioned DID because it’s a fascinating subject and I’ve recently taken an interest in it 😊
Learning about unmasking is interesting. This is a great video series. Thank you!
Amen. Learning to say “no”. That drives me crazy that NT folk just don’t like our questions ….
I've always asked so many questions my whole life, and I never saw anything wrong with it. But people always seem to be so annoyed with me when I ask questions. Now that I know I'm autistic (late diagnosed at age 60), it makes more sense! But I honestly don't understand the annoyance, though. I'm happy to answer anyone's questions, especially if it makes them feel more comfortable in a situation.
I love how you laughed at the realisation of all clothing is uncomfortable 😂 I love even more your curls, eyes, and eye makeup. They suit you so well 💚💚💚
Thank you! Yes, I don't want to be naked but clothes suck too. Lol.
This is why I wear as little as possible when at home alone. Yeah lovely look btw
@@briana9918As a fellow Briana, I concur. Clothes suck. 😂
Autism is one of the few conditions that qualifies one for medical cannabis in my state. I just want to point out that the use of cannabis is not in the realm of "drugs and alcohol," or addictions that people fall into in an attempt to self-regulate. ❤
Becoming aware of when I people please - that's the advice I need most. It really is second nature to me. Thank you.
It's so easy a pattern for me to fall into.
I just made it to the 6 minute mark and had to comment. So, before I realized I was masking there were often 'conversations' I would have in my head between what I felt was 'me' and what I called 'back room' or 'controller' like an identity that existed in kind of a closed off spot in my mind. I never really spoke with the controller. I just always felt that it was a little game I had for managing interactions and had this co-pilot with me that took over a lot of functions that I seemed like normal stuff. I hadn't even realized that since I started unmasking I haven't been experiencing moments with the controller or thought of them at all.
All my actions seem so much more genuinely me, and are not run through the controller for approval. I had no idea that anything like that was a shared experience and thought it was nothing but an internal social management tool I had developed at some point.
Very interesting! But totally makes sense with the lense of masking.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, and I think it’s potentially quite useful to understand social masking and self masking as two separate things. Yes, they can be and most likely are heavily intertwined if you do both, but for me at least, it helped open some doors that were previously closed when it came to the process of discovering/becoming a more authentic me.
👍🏻👍🏻
Thank you for your truthfulness ❤🙏
Even though I smoked once upon a time, I also HATE the smell of it. I got tired of constantly trying to gauge the breeze to avoid the smoke as much as possible, which my lungs do appreciate now.
Thank you, this has been very helpful! So many things resonated with me very well! This made me realise that masking isn't just how other people see me regarding my autistic traits, but about basically leaving my comfort zone in order to feel accepted. And also I have not heard earlier that masking is a trauma response, even though trauma and autism are closely linked and discussed in many videos. Makes perfect sense, though.
Thanks Amanda 🤗 Before I learned about Autistic masking, I also wanted to be authentic like you said. I used to get quite perturbed by the fact that I would find myself agreeing with and agreeing to things I didn’t really agree with and I never knew what was going on with that. In my last job it became clearer to me and I used to describe myself as acting the whole time I was at work and only being properly myself at home by myself.
I think it's interesting that people have different awareness level of their mask before diagnosis, and it really baffles me how I had almost zero awareness I was masking.
Looking back on how the mask develops. I remember riding the school bus at 10 years old and asking the kids who were a grade above what they’d been learning in their classes because I was really excited to take on more challenging and new material. I’d talk a lot about what I was learning, completely oblivious that no one was interested.
That did not go over well. I got bullied so badly on the bus my mom had to start driving me to school, and I eventually stopped trying to learn from my classmates. I played alone or read in the library by myself. I met one boy who wasn’t like the others and we’d read together in the library and talk about “nerdy” things. He was teased a lot as well because he would pull out his eyelashes when he was nervous and had some other “ticks.” He was self-conscious and quiet but I thought the world of him because he wasn’t mean to me at all. Patient and kind. Thinking back on it, we were probably both ND.
Goosebumps everywhere!!!!! Thank you so much ! ! ! ! ! !
Thank you. I freeze.Learning all the time.
7:09 this was so relatable it made me cry. really thank you for making this video ❤
and EVERYTHING else is so relatable too :)
I see you. ❤️
I'm a big woman, why do people mispercieve me as "dangerous" I wont hurt them. I will NOT hurt them even in my WORST.
I wish I could wear a big sign that will show up and say "I'm not dangerous" when I have a meltdown/shutdown. to LEAVE ME ALONE is the best tactic, but people seem to do the opposite and LOCK me UP and DRUG me.
I been put into hospital TWICE and I get some of the WORST treatment possible.
Misjudging medical professionals, I just ... cant get away from that torture.
I want people to LEAVE ME ALONE not LOCK ME UP.
Most people scare me.
Thanks so much, Amanda Am having a rough time--several weeks now. Feel a little less alone.
I'm sorry to hear that Marti. I hope things turn around for you. 💜
@@i.am.mindblind Thanks so much, Amanda
Thank you for this video. It helps a lot.
😊
Listening to this episode I suddenly realized I FIRST unmasked years before I even had an idea beeing autistic...
And then I got mostly bad feedback.
Hmmm.
And yes, as a kid and young mother I was mostly the perfect tidy housewife, of cause helping on every event at church or sons school, "the mum that bakes"😂.
Although I was the lefty single mum.
Appreciate you 🙏 thank you so much for your videos ❤
Great question !!!!
Thanks for your inside, my cat says hi!
Thanks for watching! 😁
I don't know, maybe in the future, when life allows you to, you should think about going back to school for Psychology. You're an advocate for neurodivergent minds and seems you're researching it well. If the thought of going back to school for Psychology has crossed your mind, this maybe a confirmation for you to do it.
I have thought about it! On good days I think I could handle going back to school, but the hard days I can't even imagine. I don't know how I managed college the first time around. I wish I had done a psych major instead of architecture though!
@@i.am.mindblind I struggle with self doubt too. However, you should seriously think about it. I think you'd make an excellent counselor for the neurodivertgent. Who knows, there's probably a shortage of those who have the passion, like yourself, for the neurodivergent.
I felt l had to behave in a perfect way since I was a child. As an adult many people would say I was perfect but I definitely didn’t feel perfect and when I did get things wrong I would say see l got this wrong 🙈
Exactly. Well said. Who am I ??? 💞🙏🏻🙏🏻💞👊
Trying to figure it out! 😂
Another good one, Amanda! I've been trying to understand the concept of masking. I don't know that I've, as an adult, tried to cover anything up. I do try hard to be more like the person I want to be. I'm not trying to be like somebody else, but to live up to my own standards. Does that make sense? I grew up with parents who were different from most of my friends' parents. They were pretty accepting of differences, but not of behaviors they didn't like. They were not very emotionally supportive, and I struggled, especially socially. So yes, when I was in school and even to some extent through college, I didn't talk a lot about my family when I was with my school mates or friends. I hid my background, but I wasn't trying to hide myself. I always knew I was different, maybe odd, but not in a stand out kind of way. I didn't find out I was autistic until I was 75 years old. I guess I was naive. I wanted to be accepted for who I am. Maybe that explains why I got metaphorically "stabbed in the back" a few times and it took me by surprise. The year when I was about 48 or so I was president of a very active community service club at the same time my marriage was breaking up. That was so difficult for me and caused a level of burnout or breakdown, and I've never even considered doing something like that since then. I usually think before I act and do what I think is right, so it's pretty hard to convince me I'm not right! Now I'm alone so much, I don't need to mask.
❤️❤️ Thank you for sharing this.
I am behind on watching videos again…I’ve been struggling with PDA and a few other things. Because of how I grew up in a cult, I honestly don’t know if part of my mask was actually a mask, or if it was more of a fear thing. I used to have several identities…one for my parents or any other adult figure that I was trying to please, my identity at church, my school and peer mask, and my public mask. I was always competing with myself…to be that perfect little girl so I wouldn’t get in trouble, but do the complete opposite in secret with some of my friends. It’s what made my anxiety so bad. I cared very deeply how others thought of me, and as the years went by that faded away. I really don’t care what people think of me in a lot of situations anymore. I’m not sure if I know the difference between my mask, and being polite and respectful, or conducting oneself in a way that is socially acceptable for an event. I’ve got all that down, thanks to my childhood. But where that ends and the mask begins…that’s what’s a little cloudy for me right now. Most of my core values and beliefs have never changed. But I feel like my unmasked self is like a pinball machine of this and that. Or things that didn’t used to bother me bother me now. It’s kind of a strange place to be in.
We get called “control freaks” 😩…..
Yep.
Hmmm. I am okay with imperfection. You can learn from your mistakes. I do tend to keep certain things within myself, but for me, AS an empath, I would feel THEIR hurt feelings, and feel my guilt for saying something that hurt someone else.
...I wouldn't say that I am a people pleaser. I learned years ago that people's approval is fickle. So, why "appear" to be different than how you really are to attempt to gain it?
I, personally, see sexual orientation as something that just is. I am heterosexual. I am attracted to men. If my orientation led me to cheat on my husband, THAT is when I would be crossing the line into bad behavior. You can't choose whether or not attraction exists. But, you absolutely can choose your behavior! Way back when, maybe a month after we started dating, I promised my husband that if I should ever be attracted to anyone else, I would tell him about it so that we could work on the situation together. Get closer to each other. 12 years into our marriage, I think that we are closer than ever!
In some ways, I think that our lives have taught us similar things, Amanda. My husband is the most morally courageous person I have ever known! He does right just because it IS right! He is intelligent, and he is a non-conformist. I am becoming more like him. I am starting to learn that it is okay to question authority, and go with what YOU think is the best course of action...
I enjoyed your video! Thanks! Take care. Susan
It reminds me of my Tourettes with Copralalia and supressing tics..
When I end up suppressing my tics, the aftermath is much more painful than letting them fly freely as I'm exerting a lot of control over my muscles to prevent them from executing movements and sounds...
...energy levels drastically drop, it feels like someome has punched me repeatedly in my muscles and joints end up feeling arthritic... I end up in bed on a heat pad for the rest of the day.
Point being.. we end up harming ourselves when we force ourselves to externalize normalcy.
It's very difficult for me to know when I'm people pleasing. 😞😞.
I understand, we are so conditioned to not hear our own internal sense of self we don't recognize it anymore. It takes time.
I just saw Winston,
I didn't even notice Watson was ever in frame! Lol.
8:10 I wouldn't talk about perfection but neurologically typical (if NT think that's perfection it's to them but we shouldn't use their discriminatory vocabulary against us). It's not a criticism but a comment to show how deep we have been conditioned against ourselves.
I'm more talking about black and white thinking plus a Pinterest level of living. For instance when I decided to make homemade baby food, b&w thinking happened. It never occurred to me I could sometimes feed my babies jarred food if I needed to. It was all or nothing, and so I caused a lot of stress in some situations making baby food for travel and such. My brain only allowed for "perfection" or "100%" of something, which of course left me so exhausted because humans can't function like that.
I wish we didnt have to care about what people think about our orientation... but when society will fire you, or lock you up... I kinda have to be mindful about what people think.... Medical doctors have drugged me twice this year, and society is usually mean to me. I'm asexual and autistic and female and adult.
It's sad you lost followers because of speaking about religion or sexuality.
I was really startled because I figured most of my followers were LGBTQ friendly. I know a lot are religious and I did my best to respect that in the religion video while also stating my beliefs.
@@i.am.mindblind I think that will change over time if you keep Youtubing.
Next time you want to show off beautiful but annoying jewelry, maybe show it off, very obviously, at the beginning of the video, and then, on camera, get more comfortable by removing it.
Definitely a good idea! Some days those earings don't bother me but sometimes they do. I'm always frustrated that necklaces and rings irritate me so much. Usually I can handle earings if they are light weight.
@@i.am.mindblind Earrings bug me, too. I usually have earrings in my car because I take them off on my way home from places. In my car, in my purse, in my pockets ...
an awesome autistic sentence:
"I never ever believed in god"
congrats on unmasking your queerness. sometimes people leave channels because the content creator is touching something that they don't want to face in themselves.