Depersonalization ( I created this melody when I was sure I didn't exist )
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- Опубліковано 10 бер 2024
- for several years I did a lot of derealization and depersonalization, I wrote this melody when I was convinced that nothing or even I existed
You can listen to it on all the platform: hypeddit.com/pangol/depersona...
and let's have some fun on Insta: / baal_pangol
This is legitimately what dissociating feels like. Its restless and at the same time constant energy. It never ends and it also never truly began. It always was and never was. Nothing is tangible, only numb sensations that seem hallucinated at best. No way to cling to anything that feels real anymore. Solely a fleeting remembrance of a time and a place where existing would be possible, without any path to access it, and no way to know if it's a product of your imagination or anything more.
I grew up dissociated from my body because my mother abused me sexually as a child. I have known that feeling for my entire life. There were periods of calm, and periods of intense dissociation throughout my life. This song perfectly captures the feeling, and I mean perfectly in the literal sense of the word
I know it's somewhat dry to read but If you have time to you should check volume 3 of the world as will and representation from Schopenhauer, he had such and understanding of art. What you are expressing here through this piece of music is the very Idea (in Schopenhauer's sense of it) of dissociation/depersonalization in a direct and immediate way
@@karanaima i'll check it out, thank you. i've also been derealized/dissociated/depersonalized for as long as i can remember due to trauma.
This hit home. For a while, creating music was the perfect way for me to express my artistry. In a time of great suffering, it was the only viable way I had to make my dreams of creation come true. By combining my love for art, storytelling, philosophy, pop culture, sound and psychology with my personal experiences, I was able to unleash near limitless amounts of emotion into anything that I created. The opportunities that music held enticed me like nothing else. I could paint my own world, my own unique sound just by putting together a couple of notes. I didn't need to conform to any genres, any how-to's, I could just.. Create. And to me that was beautiful. However - I grew too ambitious. As my personal life was ramping up with struggles, the once 16 year old who made music for fun became lost. He fell into a trap. Not only was my family situation getting worse, but I couldn't handle it much longer. All I wanted to do was disappear. From the day I started, I always foresaw one specific kind of album that I wanted to make. It was music bending. It was immersive, with deep and enriched emotional value which took advantage of an experimental, mostly instrumental approach to make room for the music to speak for itself, and to leave room for as much interpretation and replay value on the listener's part. This album would take everything from my love of what I mentioned earlier, all of my pent up emotions, and use them both to create a beautiful, versatile, and imaginative experience. After the regretful decisions I made during my aforementioned state of crisis, which include the deletion of my two previous BandLab accounts (The platform I used to make music), that once dream album finally became a reality. I have it posted on my channel right now, under the playlist "Lewis - Cortex (Full Album)." If you'd like, you can check it out, I hope you enjoy it and give your thoughts if you do decide to.
EDIT: I just thought I'd be nice to share my story, you done a phenomenal job on this melody.
thank you for your story, I gonna listen to this ❤
@@Pangol no problem, and thank you!! I'd love to hear what you think of what I made :)
This was beautiful man.
I aint readin allat
it feels like separation. like you once had something/were a part of something and it was gradually taken from you.
This melody conveys real emotions tho
thanks Antoine 🙏
This is the best composition of ALL time, no one can argue. Not just because of the piece, but the story behind it as well. When I was 11-12, I felt like I was watching a movie of my life, with no way to change it. My friends would all leave me and my father died, who was the one who taught me music composition. Such a sad series of events in my life didn't even feel like it happened, it just felt that it was the next part of the grim movie that I was watching. It seemed that nothing could capture the things going in my head, until I found this on my youtube search page.I gave it a listen and I my once broken mind snapped in an instant. I realized that composing was the only way I could cure my dissociation. So, when I was about to turn 13, I started working on it. Eventually, I made a piece (Blue Reverie), to pour my thoughts out onto a simple piece of paper. I feel better now, but listening to this piece reminds me of the dark times I went through back then. Every day I still listen to this piece just to remember that I shouldn't take for granted that I am no longer dissociated. Even nowadays I still feel like the world isn't real. After all, it seems scientifically impossible for everything to exist. Maybe we are all simulations, who knows? I know this seems like a little bit too much, but your piece saved me. From further going into dissociation.
Therefore, I would like to thank you for this piece, it gave me a sense of reality, that I wasn't alone during this time of darkness. That someone else with my exact problem could compose something so beautiful. Keep composing, maybe you'll save someone else just like you did to me.
(By the way, I just turned 13, which is when depression usually starts settling in. If it wasn't for this piece, perhaps I would've still been in dissociation and perhaps even killed myself to escape the dark movie. So that's why I believe this piece saved me)
Thank you so much my G if you want to talk don’t hesitate on insta. Love you
I had it too. Never got treatment, and the feeling went on for over a year. During that gap in my life I wanted to do nothing but make music. Everything else felt pointless. To anyone going thru it right now, do not push it off. Get help. There is so much beauty in being alive. Great melody btw!
This is absolutely stunning. I love every single transitory melody you use to link things together, each little pause and linger, everything. I really feel something with this, and I'm barely to the end of my first listen.
Thank you so much ❤️
Stumbled onto this from secondhand recommended, and I'm very glad I did. This is like the theme for a villain that you sympathize with so much you can't even call them one. Feels like a far-off tragedy, or seeing a broken world through a mirror.
your feelings are irrational
@@Fire_Axus your comment is irrational. Everyone has different perspectives especially when it comes to art and that's what this is. You are simply wrong.
Evil exists. And the most deceptive method of evil is to dispel truth by making it seem as if evil doesn't actually exist. That it's all perspective. That it's okay to hate good.
The only good thing is God. He loves you and sent His son to die for you at a time when humans should've received death.. As long as you believe in Him and His goodness then you will be saved. As long as you humble yourself and do not value yourself over God, your creator, you will see goodness and evil for what they are. No human can do this without God. Let Him soften your heart. I feel for you as i feel for all struggling ppl, but good things are not our right and we were never entitled to them. When you suffer, to be angry at the universe or God is to declare that you deserve better. But why?
You have capacity for good, but only God can unlock it fully and help you see things with his eyes.
@@lucaspoon4202 my brother in christ, this is a music comp
@@lucaspoon4202 I like your funny words, magic man.
How TF does this not have more view, this is literal magic.
yeah this is the sound of depersonalization. I'm not even sure how to put into words what I want to say, but this is the 4 months preceding my previous 2. I realized listening to this that that's what I was experiencing because, at least to me, this is...... I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say, but I will say that after listening to this my heart is racing and chest tight because I just relived and revisualised in a new way those 4 months. I don't know if a song has ever been a truer recreation of pure emotion, which by nature is impossible to fully express, in language, all its nuance and visceral-ness. I'm reminded of a line in a 90's country song where the singer says there was another artist who was already well known and renown who, on the topic of being a good musician, asked him "can you make people feel the way you feel?" which in this case, specifically for me, has never been truer
After writing that comment and reading some of the other comments, if I had one recommendation for you, I would say don't listen or really even consider the suggestions and recommendations that some of the comments make. The likeability of a song to an individual is largely based on how predictable it is to them. There's a spectrum of predictability in sounds where its white noise on one end and a sin wave on the other. There's a band in the middle that we call music which has heavy metal screamo on one end (unpredictable) and something like Beethoven, Ode to Joy or Canon in D on the other. Where the people are suggesting something be different or added is where you slightly deviated from their intuitive prediction of where the song should've led to, and the choice of where it should've is no one else's but yours, the artist. They'll listen to it a few more times and understand the flow of it and it will "grow" on them. This is what is meant when someone says a song "grew" on them. I've long listened to songs and thought "I could make that better" or "he should've gone this direction with the song" and those are the thoughts people are detailing in these types of comments. I only say this to you because it worries me when artists are faced with such unwarranted critiques and this goes for artists of any size; taylor swift and joe shmoe alike. I just think in general small artists are more susceptible to over-intaking these critiques which only hamper, hinder, and disrupt the creative process and flow because smaller artists have many more "mutuals" on the status hierarchy. I also say "in general" because the ones who aren't in that general group are the ones who can move the world with their songs and all I know is that I was very moved by this one. Thanks for listening to my TED talk, disregard it because who am I? a random idiot. And keep making this awesome music for us. Please and thank you 🙏
but fr tho i have a hypocritical suggestion. call it a request. I just want to hear this with some hardy reverb lmao
I understand your felling you went through, it really touches me. love you
♥️
sometimes, words aren't needed, listening is just enough :)
Amazing. I've suffered from severe OCD and as a result, depersonalization. It hit me hard for about 2 years nonstop while I was graduating college. Your melody perfectly captures the feeling; depression mixed with anxiety followed by periods of temporary peace.
Thanks you so much 🙏🏽
Wow. Every single note here is absolutely perfect. This is one of the best pieces of music I have heard in a long time. Fantastic work!!!
Thank you you touch my heart 🙏🏽
Beautiful.
I think we all go through periods of this when we are trying to be an artist.
0:39 my favourite part is this bit, so simple but so good, this tune has inspired me so much with songs i've been writing!!
This is really beautiful - but also empty. It captures the feeling of being in a dissociative state very well.
In it's polish, it's still rather raw. It sounds pretty - but with an undercurrent of pain in the background, if that makes sense. I relate to it quite well, and I legitimately thought it was REALLY beautiful - so I wanted to let you know :D
Thank you for making this :)
this is really beautiful, thank you. adding this song to my "songs you wish you could hear again for the first time" list
this is so emotional dude, good job! 🔥🫶
Thanks so much 🫠❤️
good shit, i feel like you could've expanded on some little ideas like the run at 1:27, could've been a whole section
thank you ❤, I didn't want it to be too much
Y E S
So beautiful. Thank you for this.
Thank you, I’m going through really difficult time right now. Your song randomly played in my recommended, it really helped. Thank you.
I am glad you were able to find peace in this song when you were struggling. Keep up with good work you’re really talented.
Thank you bro you touch my heart with your message
Your music is beautiful. It reminds me of my favorites such as from Gavin Leeper or Patrik Pietschmann (Echoes of the Past). I love the feeling of caged tension and deep sadness in your music. I hope you can express your music in more ways, each piece I've heard so far has been utterly beautiful and entranced me to sit down motionless until the very last note.
i usually never comment on any video i see but this is the exception i just have to say, this is a masterpiece and probably rivals some of the newest songs, you deserve more recognition and subs, keep up the great work man, each time i listen to it, it just gets better and better and i notice even more things that i didnt before. This is probably the only song that i have ever heard that truly defines emotion.
Thank you so much 🙏🏽❤️
I swear the first seconds i listened to it i got shivers
🙏🏽
Who we are lives in the soul.
As someone with depersonalization/derealization disorder, this music is very good at representing that feeling, and i can relate to this very much.
This is a fantastic work of art. As someone who has (fortunately) experienced depersonalization a few times in the worst times of my life it captures it in the oddest way. I am unable to explain it but think "Yes, this makes sense."
I suffer from derealisation and depersonalisation. Luckily not as much as a few years ago. This song really reminds me of the helplessness and feeling of not being able to do anything about the feeling of panic and stress and not knowing how to explain it to anyone. Great song
this was absolutely wonderful. i relate so much. full of such depth; beautiful, but you can also still sense the underlying anxiety.
thanks so much Emma 🙏
great shit. keep up the good work.
thaanks Anna 💥
I‘ve let this music play while laying in bed with my eyes closed.
That was such an experience! A whole universe. A story!
I wanna try writing stories through music like you, too - one day!
this is beautiful, keep up the good work man :)
This deserves millions of views
You put your soul in that one I can feel it, it's just amazing how music can convey emotions. You truly embodied what you felt in this song and that's beautiful thank you.
Thanks so much ☀️🙏🏽
Need a 2hr long version of this
this is so beautiful keep going
This is
beautiful.
this is fucking incredible man, keep up the good work!
oh.. this is perfect. the ache in the slow parts and the desperation for you to be wrong about what you're sure of in the higher notes .. this reminds me of being 12 and feeling alone against the world. wishing you all the best. this was such a gem to stumble upon tonight
Thx so much 🌆🙏🏽
would love a download of this, feels like derealization episodes for me, hits weirdly hard and I have no clue how you captured this kind of emotion in sound in a way so many people seem to agree with, it’s rare I see “dissociation music” (as I like to put it)
Thank you Oliver 💫
I think, therefore, I suffer
that's one hell of a shroom trip
as someone who dissociates under duress, I deeply identify with this piece. and yet I also see the irony of it: no one who doesn’t exist could create a thing of beauty like this. it is profoundly human, and evidence that you were, and are, real.
i was going down my usual rabbit hole of piano songs and this.. this hits it. im glad i found this. its hard to describe something when nothing feels real in the first place.
I love this, it's so pretty, at some points i feel like I don't like it but then I realize that part I didn't like was a great way to lead into the good part and that, that part is good now and it works well with the melody
This music is real to me and for you to have made it with all the complexities it takes, that makes you a thousand times realer.
In a time you did not know you existed, you made a part of you as hard to keep, explain and observe as smoke in a jar, a permanent piece. That is an incredible feat.
Thank you so much 🙏
this is amazing.
By the end of this video I have tears in my eyes. I haven't cried for a while, so thank you for feeling myself alive again.
Add a string swell dude here and there it would sound sick dude
I loved most of it, but the first part I would really change a few things. Anyway beautiful melody inspired me to make something of my own using that beautiful accent melody.
Thank you.
So beautiful
this is amazing
Thank you very much
Absolutely beatiful
Thank you simon 🙌
it reminds me of clair de lune its great
Me encanto. Que hermosa pieza.
good job keep going on man
Perfect 👌
thanks 🙏
even though ive recovered from it I feel like a part of me died that day, still lost in the derealisation
The thought doesn't give me rest since I've read the title of this video, so I'm writing this in hopes someone will help me understand: how is it possible to believe that you don't exist? Wouldn't the sole fact that you're able to think negate that possibility?
(Great track btw)
i really like it!
thank you 🙌
this goes so hard bro
thx my g
nice
pls i need this on spotify
open.spotify.com/intl-fr/track/2Mc3iWgtfQHriRvwFGgcR9?si=329f19e9c2c344fe 💫
Nice.
swag
a world of complete imagination
pure
i try to make music and analyze this is very usefull for me
♥
B E A YOU tiful!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reminds me a lot of a piece I only wrote recently.
Dude this piano VST sounds amazing. What is it?
Hey man can I sample this ?
For sure bro, just tag me 🙏🏽
comments be like im12andthisisddeep
but then how do you know you don't exists if you don't...............
Idk, The most important it’s just to live bro
Cogito ergo sum
this is really good. what piano are you using?
Idr i think that was Noir piano or Steinway, thank you g
Yoooo wha piano vst is this!? It’s so gooood
Yoo It's Noir Piano
Sounds very good, whats the name of the piano???
It’s Noir Piano my G
no
Could i maybe sample this and mess around with stuff? :))
For sure, if you can just tag me if you release it 🙏
I had hoped for something abstract, but this is indeed without personality, that is, generic
wow man... 1:20
Ouch... this song deep.. i wasnt prepared for that.
I even stopped chewing my food so i could hear it clearly, and it was certainly worth it. 🤌
So beautiful
💥❤