Self-Confidence: How To Stop Worrying About What People Will Think Of You
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- Опубліковано 6 сер 2013
- Self-Confidence: How To Stop Worrying About What People Will Think Of You SocialConfidenceCenter.com
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How scary or uncomfortable would it be to go start a conversation with a stranger?
For most guys, starting conversations with strangers, especially attractive women is pretty anxiety provoking. That's why so many of them tend to avoid doing it.
What makes starting conversations virtually impossible though is when you are held back by the "bystander effect."
The Bystander Effect
I am using this term differently from the social psychology use. You can watch the video above to learn about that meaning. It means something totally different when it comes to social confidence:
The "bystander effect" is the fear that when you initiate a conversation with a stranger, if other people can see you or are within earshot, they will observe the interaction and harshly judge you.
If you are in a bookstore or a coffee shop and you want to start a conversation with someone, if anyone else is around, it can make it WAY more difficult.
What if they see me?
What if they hear me and think I sound nervous or awkward?
What if I get rejected, then they will think I'm a pathetic loser.
They will think I'm...
This is the essence of the bystander effect: "They will think I'm..."
Can you see how this might be holding you back?
What if you notice someone who has a similar interest as you and you want to chat with them about it? What if you are looking to make friends and build up your social network? What if you are single and looking to find a fun, sexy, smart girlfriend?
The likelihood that this person will always be alone and that no one will be within earshot is pretty low. So as long as you are HELD BACK by the fear of what "they" might think of you, you will never be able to go after what you truly want.
As your Confidence Coach, I will not let that stand! Let's talk about how to break free of this nonsense.
To read more, go here:
www.socialconfidencecenter.com...
"Don't let someone else's opinion of you become your reality."
- Les Brown
Get more confidence now - join Dr. Aziz in this 8 week video course that will transform your level of confidence:
ConfidenceUnleashedNow.com
You stop caring what people think of you, when you realize that they don't think about you that much at all ;)
But they do,just as much as I think about them
i dont like this advice because so what if they think about you? that's just my thought
I love the statement “be a leader in your own life”
Yes!
Justine Ramsey hehe hi Justin can I kiss u
What I learnt is that the inner critic isn't the real you, it's probably the voice of a parent or authority figure who was overly harsh to us and like obedient children, we keep replaying the tape into adulthood. So instead of doubting ourselves doubt the voice of the inner critic. Always question the validity the inner critic beliefs.
People will think what they want to think regardless of what you are thinking they are thinking - so might as well just be you. So why not just be you.
oop look at that - redundancy ;P -
Word.
dam 7 year old comment totally agree!
Be free and don't cling on the order of societies insecurities basically.
I've never made a friend on my own. Ever. I met all of the friends I have now because someone introduced me to them or they introduced themselves to me. I've been so terrified of people not liking me that I cried the first and second time I watched this video when it listed the insults and realized I had thought every one of them at least once about myself. I'm so scared even now that someone reading this won't like it. I want so badly for people to like me and I don't know why. I want to be confident but I can't even talk to friends without getting nervous that they might disagree. I'm not even sure I have my own opinions on anything anymore or if I change what I think to make others happy. I want to read your book but I think to myself "What if someone saw me reading that?" and then the list of insults comes out again. I know I need to make a change, and it starts right now. Thanks Doc. I hope that one day I won't have to watch your videos, no offence. They're great, but I want them to be a stepping stone.
bro, I can feel you. text me.
Stop thinking if people will like you or not bro. Don't try to please them. Good luck.
I feel it. I want to overcome my fear but I don’t want to go to a phycologi
I feel it. I want to overcome my fear but I don’t want to go to a phycologis
I am your friend.
hi wish i found your channel earlier, hi david from the UK 51yrs had confidence issues since i was 11yrs stubbled across you on youtube and it has changed my life! At last it all makes sense,so today going out shopping & im going to strike up conversation with another person,my heart is pounding even before i,ve left home wish me luck,thanks..
bobbysatwat Yes!! How did it go?
Glad you decided to take action man :)
I saw quite a few motivational videos however your approach to the topic is easily the best I've seen, GREAT JOB!
yeah!Man this is pretty true.I my self was very confident but one day as i began thinking of people i lost everything.You can imagine ,its so shameful and embarrassing and you loose lots of things including friends.Caring of people is letting them decide for you and they will simply confuse you and make you scared when your not.Keep up man its very encouraging.
I usually don't even comment on other videos due to anxiety, but I had to just say how ingenious the inner critic experiment/dialogue is. I listen to your podcast too and remembered hearing it on one of the eps but forgot until now. Really going to do this and break through my social anxieties. I can already feel some of those belief systems cracking so thank you much for all these free videos and podcasts! They've literally been a godsend to me since I found them :)
Awesome! Thanks for the kind words. AND, the reality is YOU are putting all these ideas into practice. YOU are the one who is making the shifts. In other words, YOU rock : ) Keep it up my friend.
It's 2020 and I'm binge watching on your videos. I'm learning a lot! Keep it up with your content.
Awesome! Thank you!
Never underestimate the power of "Fuck It!". : )
Sometimes very effective. :)
Wow, the way you suggest to work out a reply for any self criticism is awesome. You made me dare to actually share with other people what I like and think, which will give me the ability to create real friendships and not just seem like a secret agent to others. Thank you!
You touched on so much here, jess! Your struggles are so human - how do we put ourselves out there and trust we are good enough? So vulnerable… Have you read Brené Brown's book - Daring Greatly? You might get a lot out of it. Best of luck on your journey my friend!
Get More Confidence
This was great, I have been researching "how do you gain confidence" for a while now, and I think this has helped. Ever heard of - Hanhristian Ganuhammad Blueprint - (Have a quick look on google cant remember the place now ) ? Ive heard some interesting things about it and my brother in law got great results with it.
Out of all of the videos that I’ve watched of yours this is by far the best one. I’ve always wanted to feel normal and what you said in this video just clicked with me today. Thank you so much for all the videos!
Wow, thank you!
Hi went to gym & when finished working out,their was girl there i had seen training all year but never spoken to her! but idid it i approached her straight on and looked her straight in the eye and i said hi merry christmas not much i know my heart was pounding sweat rolling down head, and she replied with smile saying thanks merry christmas to you....but as great as it felt days after i was pulling myself dwn with negative thoughts,but thanks for your advice.
bobbysatwat So good man!! DON'T STOP. That's the key. Stop stopping. Keep doing stuff like this. Twice a week or more. And check out my book - The Solution to Social Anxiety to learn how to deal with that pesky inner critic.
www.amazon.com/The-Solution-To-Social-Anxiety-ebook/dp/B00F5IU5CU
Hi Dr Aziz! Just wanted to say that I just stumbled across your channel and although this video is 2013, the information still works today. After watching this video, I can definitely say I went from a 4 to a 7. Everyone told me I needed to stop being a doormat, that I was a "nice guy" and that I needed to be more assertive, but I never quite knew the meaning of assertive. But to stop caring about what other people think and to put my priorities first, laugh off what they have to say and carry on with my life, is just what I needed to hear, but not in a demanding way. Thanks again!
Tay
This video is probably by far the best video I've watched in terms of useful information. Outstanding. Dr Aziz has God given talent. Really impressed. I've watched so many videos like this, Dr Aziz is the 🐐 on these specific topics.
great job Dr.Aziz
I just came across your UA-cam channel. I really like what I've seen so far. Keep up the good work.
This is sooo helpful! I have been looking for advice like this for years! :)
When you did the thing with the critic, I makes me thing it actually want that bad, IF YOU RESPOND THE RIGHT Way! Don’t make your fails your identity
Spot on!
Lots of great advice in this video and especially loved the practical exercises to try. Your
speaking is very down to earth, kind of like listening to a friend! Thank you!
I just finished watching your video for the first time. It has brought me to tears. I'm nearly 60, have had low self esteem all of those years, well at least what consider low self esteem to be, that in itself may be the culprit. Not that I have low self esteem, but that I'm convinced myself that I do. If nothing else I will do the self critic exercise. That really helped to learn.
A bout with cancer; like many loss a job I loved in 2008; came down with all sorts of things from the treatment for cancer...loss of sexual drive, etc..I basically became numb...it was too much for me to bear at one time. Left feeling low and with no, let alone low, self-esteem. This went on for about 5 years.
Two years ago I lost that 8 yr relationship. of my life to depression. He couldn't take it anymore and left. I lost everything that I had worked for all those years. Needless to say, I was devastated, and can say that I'm still struggling with the loss. Unfortunately, I fell into a deeper depression; suicidal even. But I fought all the way back to get to where I am today...beat up, but getting my life back together again.
I know I have to start all over again. But at 60 that feels overwhelming. However I know what I'm capable of, and will implement more of your technique, hopefully the road back won't be as bad, and I might even fine a better road to travel....I think I just talked (typed) myself out of a day of anxiety...thx for the your work.
Hey Aziz. I'm 18 years old and in high school in Australia. I've found that I've always struggled to connect with people at school and forming relationships with people has never been my strong suite in fact I haven't even spoken to around 75% of my year group. But thankfully, your videos have been extremely helpful and have motivated me to put myself out there. I also found it especially funny when watching this video (and your video on not to be so nice) with how much they really resonated with my life in terms of the examples that you give during the videos, after hearing them I always found myself thinking, holy shit is this guy a mind reader or something. I also really liked the metaphor that you used, I think it was something like "being a nice guy is like being a doormat" and found that phrase really clingy and helpful haha. Anyway, I figured I should thank you for the videos and give my personal thanks to you for giving me motivation to stand up for myself in life. Thanks mate and fuck it!
This video is already helping me! I feel very free and more social, Thank you so much for making this video, I subscribed and will continue to listen to your videos and useful tips !!
Awesome - I'm glad it's helping!
This was a great talk & I found it to be both very helpful & very informative. Thanks for making the time to make/share it. Very appreciated here.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Back to back awesome advise! I can imagine how many individuals life you may be touched and changed through your encouragement. Thank you!!
I would have stared an argument with the critic, but the way you did it was so eye opening. You didn't reacted or attacker the critic because it their perception of the critic gutted me, instead you responded and and asked for help in a calm and positive way. Wow, great eye opener!
Dr Aziz .
Feels glad to help others. You inspire othera to help .
Lots of love for the dedicated service you are doing towards the society.
God bless you for the work you are doing .
thank you . I will surely follow your techniques.
God bless your family.
This! this is exactly my problem regarding speaking up in meetings that i couldn't define till i saw this video. Thank you!
Great Video !! Highly motivated to listen to it ! Thanks for such a nice talk ! God Bless you
Thank you so much! I`m 18 and I struggle with being confident. I always see myself doing weird things around people and I think so bad about myself after that, even though people compliment me. I find it really hard to maintain a conversation. I don`t know if it`s because I generally don`t like small talk or I`m just...shy, don`t know. This helped!
You have shifted my mind from unexplainable situations. Thanks alot
After an awful couple of days, this is precisely what i needed! Slowly i'll get there. Learning more each day.
You got this!
These video's are amazing, thanks! Helps to put certain things in perspective
thank you so much for this wonderful advice
Thank you Doc. Aziz. Take a deep breath and fuck everything.
I have problems expressing myself because I'm scared whether other people will respect my opinions or not so I tend to keep my ideas to myself. And I'm tired of this. I'm always going by the ideas of others. I'm really working hard on this.
Powerful advice! Thanks!!!
Glad it was helpful!
Second video I watched and in love with your advices! Do you have live sessions (online)?
You my friend are absolutely awesome!! 👏👏👏
Thank you! Cheers!
David Burns is a great teacher!
:)
Thanks for the great lecture
Thank you for your tips! I like that you have a word for the fear called the "fear fantasy". :)
Good job,you impact me from thousands of miles away,I watch your videos every morning
Austin Kaka Awesome man! Keep it up. Studying like that and applying it can change your life.
Very helpful to the people who are facing the problem. Good job.
thank you so much dr. aziz
i loved that when you said ask your critic about tips about how to get you in comfort zone
i will try that it sounds so good and effective . thank you so much again
Your videos are awesome! Thank you for sharing your expertise. :)
Thanks a million Dr. Aziz. I have read your "The Solution to Social Anxiety" book and it's helped me tremendously in the past. I seem to have fallen back into Social Anxiety and Depression. Reading it always helps and this video helped a lot!
So good to hear! Have you checked out my two books after that? You can always see all my books here: DrAzizBooks.com
Feared fantasy technique
1:Sit down after that interaction where u know if u imagine going & talking to that person but u dont bcoz their people around ..so write down wht is that everything that I imagined that that person would think of me that made me not want to go talk, wht is that imaginary person think about me
2:So now u HV list that you've written out ,then u get someone to adopt the role of the person who's going to come up talk to u & then write out wht they would say the worst thing u can imagine the feared fantasy
3: And in ur role write out how you'd respond
4: theirs number of ways to respond but the key is u can defeat urself, u can disagree to the critics u can ask more questions to clarify ,u can make jokes ,u can accept wht they r saying but not the bad person part
5:watch the demonstration in video
6:watch your tone
7: Reapetation & practice is not the kind of thing that u just get right away ,its a skill that that develops over time
8: put yourself again &again & try
9:The way u shift how u r doing with the critic HV the powerful effect on how u feel in a moment ,it can reduce your anxiety
10:increase ur refresh rate link in bio
12:And simple way to do it is just take a deep breath in ur nose let all ur shoulders & say fuck it & then u go in just let it go
Thank you for sharing.
@@GetMoreConfidence lol you should turn off your notification because every time I watch these types of videos I like to write down all the imp steps in the comment box to understand all the steps in the end of the video I am going to write down in each of your video so u might get irritated😂😅😅😛😁
I am so grateful for discovering this channel at this time in my life. I am working on my CoDependency recovery. Thank You so much.
I feel absolutely the same, it's like a gem to cure my deep rooted problem. And now I am trying to apply what i learnt :)
thanks dr.aziz...
my issue with insecurity is that i am a people pleaser. i do everything i can to create a persona people with "like" or want. when i first started looking at this, i thought i was being "nice" and "fun" to make people feel good...but realized later on it was actually me needing validation from others to make me feel better about myself.
i am working on it, but im still having issues at getting the "job done" do to my fear of "that person wont like me if i..."
Great ! You have become one of my confidence idol and guru !
I use to be shy. I'm still shy, but I use to be ~
this is so great and helpful you got me man. am going to practice right way. thanks man for sharing.
Thank you very much. Your videos really help.
Read your book and still working up the courage to put it in practice. Great stuffs ibdeed! Thanks
Damn. After 20+ years of self-development and working on myself, this is a major missing piece of my puzzle. Thank you. 🙏🏼
Normal is a setting on the washing machine lol, thanks great videos I'm watching these videos on New Years eve 2021 - almost 8 years later
Thank you!
Awesome video. Thank you so much. Everybody says don't worry what other people say. But it's more complex than that. Finally some very useful advice...
Glad you found it useful Christian. Just "not worrying about it" is easier said than done. If you haven't check out my internet radio show, I have an entire episode about exactly this!
shrinkfortheshyguy.com/podcast/who-cares-what-they-think/
Thank you so much for the helpful advice!
You are so welcome!
great video! thanks for your help!
+Seethwin You're welcome!
A good video! I can relate to things you mentioned, but I'm ready to change. In the past (and now) I stayed at crap jobs just since they'd pay the bills, even though it wasn't what I wanted. But now I'm actively working on building my confidence and overcoming the "overly friendly nice guy mentality". Good news is I've noticed some progress!
Well said. You got all the points!
Glad you enjoyed it!
Wow,It's hard hard to find video, thanks for sharing, I like it. Keep up.
Great stuff. Really valueable.
Thanks for sharing this information 🙏🏻 There's not a lot of information helping people breaking through their shyness, especially when it's something that is an irrational fear. I always hate it when people say "don't be shy", like it's a choice or something I can switch off, lols.
Right?!
This is so true .. Thanks for the amazing video
You're very welcome!
Thank you so much :) that helped me a lot
thank you, your videos are great. it really helped me. keep making videos!
I'm so glad to hear that, and I will!
Dr. Aziz, I enjoyed this. Really funny how you view social situations. you should be a comedian as well as a scientist
From last few days I was thinking of being normal person but that you said " I want to abnormal in a good way " touched me. Thanks for great advice.
Awesome!
Excellent Video!
Hi Dr. Aziz, wow you really hit the nail on the head with your idea of the bystander effect, so much so that I could kiss you!!! I am a woman who has been trying to work on being more conversational and flirtatious. I have always been a shy and introverted person, and flirting with guys is the most challenging thing for me. I really notice this when others are around. It's not even necessarily the guy that I'm interested in that's making me nervous, but it's what other people around me will think, basically all the fears you've stated. I've hesitated so many times with talking to guys because of this. This happens even when i'm with my friends or siblings and I see someone I want to talk to. I hold back because I'm afraid of what they'll think. Thanks so much for your advice!! I'm really trying to work on this and will use your techniques:-)
There's a path isn't there, in life? You can either follow it or run away from it. Whether it's something external sending me information like something bigger idk, or whether it's me subconsciously finding information to the questions I ask, from a person, a video, the internet, my neighbor, a heart bracelet laying on the ground. I always find the next puzzle piece as long as I have the energy to change and I'm looking for it. This is that next piece. I can tell you are deep so I'm sure you know how important these things are. Thank you! My deepest thanks keep it up.
I love David Burns! That's awesome you had him as a teacher!
I know! :)
Another thing is that people can have alot of confidence in one area and be completely self concious in another - like I am a belly dancer and burlesque performer - i've been on stage my whole life, be it dancing, playing drums in a band, acting, modeling whatever. However I am not confident in dance or playing drums but since i'm confident with being in front of people on a stage --- I feel alone on a stage like no one is around so those things can be battled out of my mind.
For women these confidence issues go along with feeling like you have to wear make up out in public at all times like you always have to look your best at all times. Just cuz I think im ugly doesnt mean I should live in a box, there are plenty of uglier people out there they live well, you have to do what you enjoy otherwise whats the point in staying alive.
We think that people are actually paying attention to us and really even when you are on a stage these people are talking to the people at their table or in their own minds...most the time people don't pay that much attention.
Fantastic Video indeed
Brilliant video.
This video is awesome. Thanks for sharing. 😄
You're very welcome!
I have read your videos today and I think it is prepared specially for me.... Thanks for your guide.
I love this technique and I will use it. Thank you for sharing!
Awesome and you're welcome!
wow this really made me change my thinking
Thank you, Doctor! So glad to have found you in all of this made-up negativity!
thank you
Good stuff!
You are brilliant. Like a comment further below I too am 50+ and in my case I have been a total sap from being the "nice guy", this has been totally born out less than 3 days ago with a woman that I have got friendly with, being supportive and considerate and "being there" for her due to a bad time that she is going through and what do I get? The "can only be friends " crap. I am retiring "Considerate C----" and gonna learn how to be how I want to be which is how YOU are. Its like I came to realise very recently, that which I LACK can be learned, the qualities that I already have I have gained from experiencing lifes hardships, hardships that have made me a good person by getting through them. I can LEARN to not be shy and and learn the social skills. Thanks a lot.
Thanks for everything you said and the way you made us understand is really appreciable. 😊
I'm someone who is exactly like you've mentioned, need to apply all these tricks to develop confidence.
The trick of 'talking to our inner critic' and applying these statements - "Abnormal in a good way" , "fuck it" are really powerful.
You are so welcome!
I remember one time when I was in a bookstore checkout, and two girls were behind me looking at the Buddha Boards for sale next to them. I said, "I've got a small one! They're really nice." They really did look weirded out, but there's no saying for certain what they were thinking. :) I had to build up some courage, but not much.
I'm a new viewer, viewed 4 videos now. Just started today.
Anyways
Great energy, great speaker and you're believable with valuable information.
Just thought I'd tell you that.
Thanks Camden! I hope the videos help you gain confidence in any area you need it. If you want more awesome info, check out my free internet radio show!
ShrinkForTheShyGuy.com
Thank you so much 💐💐💐
You're most welcome!
thank You*
Thank you for your video, it helps :):)
Incredibly 100% on the money and very helpful
Great to come across this type of self help videos. Thanks a lot!
I've come to realize that in most cases, we experience very dysfunctional lives, due to the fact that we believe others opinions.
It's what we believe about ourselves what surely matters. Whatever we experience, it is because of what we, consciously or unconsciously, believe.
Shifting the focus on what we've been believing about ourselves is a good start.
I, like a lot of people, believed I was what others perceived about me. Always trying to please and live according to someone else's expectations and perceptions. Fuck it!
Thanks a lot man :)
Word. As Les Brown says, "Don't let someone else's opinion of you become your reality." Keep up the good work my friend!
thank you Dr Aziz your video is helping me to stop being nice.
Nice!!!💯
Hi, I'd just like to say this video has helped me a lot, my dad has been kind of giving me the same advice for years now, especially with the "fuck it" attitude. Thanks a bunch!
I know you used to actually be shy because you can read me mind!!!
I absolutely was!
Sir, u are great, the way you speak and use your face expressions are just great, u know, i have no confidence issues but somehow i watched the whole video, u seems so much fun to talk to, u should have your own TV show
Anyway i wanted to thank you for the free professional help u provide 2 the people so thank u
Thanks Ibrahim! I'm working on getting that TV show : )