happy july everyone! i can’t believe it’s been a whole month of soju with sarah but i’m so grateful for everyone who’s been here since day one or just stumbled across this podcast today! reminder we’re on spotify and apple podcasts too so go check us out there if you’re goin on your morning commute 😌 we have lots of exciting things coming so stay tuned 💛
Childhood friends are the best type of friend for me because we know more about each other and grew up together it's a special kind of bond that last a lifetime
Wow, I resonate so much with James about being the “therapist friend.” I feel like I’ve always been the listener in all my friendships and family relationships, and even after hanging out with people I feel like nobody really knows me. I’ve never had a “go to” person I could turn to when I was going through a hard time until I met my husband, but it feels unhealthy to have only one person to rely on for that. As someone who defaults to asking questions to have the other person fill the awkward silences, I’ll try harder to open up more myself!
I find myself in a similar situation and I've realize a lot are not aware they're not actively conversation. I decided to be proactive & instead of filling up the space in between questions, I'd bring up a convo about me. It's not the same as being asked but I think its a kinder way to hint them "hey, what about me?"
I feel this too. I’ve cut back on doing this a lot cause it was starting to really negatively affect me and several of those friends don’t talk to me anymore 🤷🏻♀️
Exactly same here, my wife is amazing but unhealthy rely one person. Meeting new ppl, most ppl just talk about themselves and are selfish. It's not easy to find decent friends
"Don't set yourself up to be the listener friend". Wow, something I've struggled with. Sometimes I become friends with people who love to talk a lot, and I love to listen, but they get easily distracted when I start talking. Something I struggle with
The amount of ppl who dont 'follow up' is crazy. This leads to resentment and just questioning their place in the relationship and they just look for friends who value their time.
I’ve found that through working on feeling more secure in my own skin, the resentment and insecurity in a relationship ends up fading a LOT. Like okay this person didn’t follow up with me or doesn’t put as much energy as I do after I’ve communicated this to them? That’s okay, I have other stable fulfilling relationships. The number one being with myself 😉
The not following up is so real. I've done a couple speed friending events, kinda like speed dating but the goal is to meet people you want to chat with or hangout with. And despite having fun great convos each time I went, ppl just follow me on Instagram or give me their phone number, but don't respond when I DM. It's like, did you actually want to be friends with me? Or did you just sign up for the event on a whim? Not in the best headspace as I type this. 25, and they say you gotta be active, get out the house to make friends, but even doing that ppl have to choose you or stick around long enough : /
My experience: 1. some true friendships are those that despite how little you hang out, it feels like you saw each other yesterday 2. not many people have friends from high school, but if you do, they're very strong and its worth the effort to always communicate 3. do not skip on meeting people at uni. it will help you later on in your professional life. you may even make 1 strong friend by joining a club or sport team 4. be friendly at work. it will grant you at least 1 trustworthy person which will make your experience much better and it can grow into a friendship (regardless of age difference) It's not easy making friends later in life, but all you need is to be kind, honest, and respectful. Trust is very important. Eventually, you will gravitate toward someone.
Another one I would add is: you don't get to pick your friends, some people just suddenly become your friend. This also means don't try to force becoming friends it's just not always going to work out.
I totally feel you when you said making friends can sometimes be a hassle when they also have responsibilities. Growing up I learned that not everyone is going to associate with you. Investing your time into people who will actually uplift you and see you at your best is beneficial. I hope you had a great weekend Sarah❤
im deeply impressed by James’ nugget of wisdom on choosing friends that are listeners. being a listener has always been the story of my life, and while i always listen attentively to others rambling, ranting and confiding (honestly i do think im one of the best listeners), its hard to find people who will truly listen to me with genuine interest and undivided attention. thats why i do have ‘friends’ but have very few i can truly call ‘close friends’. for me, ‘close friends’ are whom i can bare my heart and soul to without fear of boring them and being judged, as well as those on the same wavelengths. for this matter, i’ve struggled to make any new meaningful connections once i started work, and most of my so-callled close friends are usually from school days.
I recommend reading the book We Should Get Together. It talks about adult friendships and how to make/maintain/rekindle them amidst real-life barriers and circumstances. The author writes with a fun and warm tone.
I started listening to your podcast yesterday and finished all three episodes in one sitting. I was so happy when your new episode came out today! It is becoming my new comfort podcast:)
When I moved to the city as a young adult not knowing many people I made friends through an organic process with a solid group of people (mixed age group from 20's all the way up to 50's) and me being in my 20's. It was a total of about +/- 40 people. They are all professionals and are still my friends today. As a group we went to same bbq's, parties, mixers, and even went to festivals as a group. During the pandemic most everyone moved to different parts of the country but we still keep in touch and get together even if a much smaller group.
Forming friendships is a effort thing that needs to come from both sides. A real friend will tell you when you’ve done something fucked up with brutal honesty. A real friend will stick with you in both your ups and downs, they’re willing to talk things out like actual adults instead of pinning blame on you or someone else for their mistakes, they make time for you and take time out of their to spend it with you. Ppl don’t realize that if you find the right person not only does life become less lonelier but you learn and gain new experiences.
most of my friends I'm still friends with Ive known since elementary school, middle school and high school. we're all like brothers. im 26 right now. its crazy how long ive known these guys.
hi sarah! i just recently came across your videos and was immediately hooked! i’m about to enter college as a freshman and hearing about your experiences is truly so informative even if it’s not in such a traditional sense, i really love hearing your perspective on things and i’m taking little notes on how i can improve going into college! any advice regarding relationships, school, and career is greatly valued! i really dont comment too much but this channel really feels like a hidden gem that i’m sure wont be so hidden for much longer but i thought i’d say hi as a new viewer and supporter
For me it feels like Covid destroyed any chance that I could have intimate friendships as an adult. I didn’t get to go to college in person and that already crippled my ability to make friends as a very introverted person. I also didn’t get to develop the skills of meeting new people for the same reason. I think I’ve come to accept that I don’t need new friends because I have enough people in my life to satisfy my social needs but that could also be cope because those people are my one childhood friend who I see about once a month and my sister lol
Sarah I love ur main channel but ur podcast is literally my favorite to listen to!! thank you for discussing such relevant topics and keeping it real. also love james section in this, I felt a lot of what he said. ahhh LOVE THE POD GIRLLLL🫶🫶🫶YOURE A STAR⭐️⭐️⭐️
I loved so much of what James said during this episode. It gave me so much to reflect on as someone that also had a really small graduating class, but was kind of also "friends with everyone." I think as I've gotten older it's gotten worse and turned me into someone that has a hard time paying attention and actively listening and remembering things when people talk with me. The worst part is that I'll ask them questions to balance the conversation but end up not remembering their answer and having to ask again. That and self-identity are something I need to work on. Also really appreciated the thoughts on social media and how it lets people know what you're interested in. My instagram isn't blank, but it isn't very helpful in describing what I spend my free time on. Just by putting yourself in places where you don't know other people, and giving them your social media, you're giving them a lot of information about yourself and what you like if your social media shows it.
Most friendships in NYC are very surface level and superficial especially within Asian friend groups like Chinese. A lot of them do not care about you on a deeper level. Most friends in the city will keep you around if they think you fulfill a certain need they have such as professional connections or access to certain social groups.
Having moved every 4 years through my entire life, now almost mid-20s, I have not for a moment developed permanent skills for making new friends in new places, its incredible, at this point I thought i'd be an expert, having moved house 10 times through 6 countries, but for some people it just never gets easier, covid hit right when i started college so I lost a whole deck of cards there of changing how you make friends in HS vs uni. For me the stories people have of growing up in a place and collecting all these lifelong friends is so like fantastical to me, I know a few people from previous countries I went to, but I don't have contact with anyone I knew before high school, and even high school ppl I barely know anymore.
could u talk about the hardships of making friends? things like cliqueyness, or flakiness / latenes, or if ppl have their established groups they dont care to make friends anymore? or things like how it feels like u need to bring value/attractiveness in order to be considered? (which relates to ur network friends/hobby friends/ and kinda about fun-ish friends)
I think im really lucky. This specific friend group I made at the very end of college started out as the "party friends" and they very much still are, but they have also transitioned into the friends I can go to for comfort and I love them for that. I just turned 24 and am an ambivert I feel like im at a point in my life where I have a lot of "work friends" and excluding that small group of friends I previously mentioned I feel pretty isolated because they all live at least 30-45 minutes from me depending on traffic. So I really want to start finding ways to make new friends and I think im really going to start looking into events I can do that connect with my hobbies so that I can make them. Also shout out to Sarah, I found your channel off of this video and I think you seem so relatable and down to earth. Sorry this is so long but also James's point about not building friendships off of being a good listener will definitely stick with me and I've never thought about it that way before.
Great watch and listen. I'm in my mid thirties and this defs applies to me. I think the hardest part for me was being intentional and making the effort. Coz like you mentioned a lot of people end up being lost connections coz people are open to making friends but maybe sometimes unsure of how to approach those people and put in the work. Different to like school and college where things just fall into place especially at varsity just meeting people at varsity is straightforward versus making friends at work or out in the world during hobbies and stuff.
One way I am able to tell if they are a friend or not, is if they allow me to vent and give feedback. Many friendships in the past would not allow me to do either but my friend would dump their issues on me.
I've always set myself up to be the listener friend becuz for me thats the only feasible way I imagine anyone even wanting to spend time with me, most of my experience has been that ppl tend to be self-serving and unless you do something that entertains/interests them, they just aren't willing to give you the time of day. But idk i think that has a lot to do with my upbringing and how I spent most of my life having to construct my life, routine, lifestyle around whatever made my dad happy, appeased and less like to have meltdowns or tantrums which he'd have to literally anything, whenever he got insecure about something he'd take it out on us, and idk I've felt that to a much lesser degree people can be so narcissistic in friendships, that they want to take take and the second you ask for anything, or just ask them to listen, they get bored. The most social ppl I see are the ones least likely to listen, idk what that says. All I know is that I have shit social skills so I have to do my best to keep whatever ppl I even manage to have relationships with. I hate parents that say being in your 20s is great, what horseshit, thats nostalgia goggles speaking, they just remember the fact they had less responsibilities and ignore this aspect of it, besides when it comes to socialisation Gen Z is in a much worser situation than previous generations, it can sound like a meme but the way we grow up on internet has stunted so much of the basic socialising processes and especially just casual situations where ppl USED to make friends now is much rarer.
im so happy i stumbled upon your pod, sarah! We're the same age but you're like a big sis for me. i really admire how you express yourself and the way you share your wisdom as you navigate life. will be here for as long as you create 💖
saw this video on my recommendations. y’all got really good advice and topics, and i love how relatable and chill your convos are. gonna watch the other episodes :)
Definitely made some amazing points for me in the networking segment of the vid. That type of relationship building, like you said, used to always leave a bad taste in my mouth. New here but loving the vibe. Dope work
This video fr just made me reflect on my life. I´m about to be 20, I´m in college and I have never felt lonelier. I needed this and I need to remeber to be my own best friend
Thank you for the video Sarah! Super comfy vibes, and thanks for talking about the 'categorising' situation, I think its a confusing part of these relationships because you would think its just people who like to hang out often, but not everyone is going to always be aligned in activity, time, lifestyle etc. Ultimately, I think the acknowledgement that the human experience is inherently a lonely one is really important in the pursuit of friendship. It gives a bit more personal responsibility to develop oneself into someone who people can make friends with. Especially during early 20s when people are experimenting (or not) with opinions and tastes. We have diff friends for diff reasons and it's kind of impossible for any one particular friend to be able to meet all of the needs and see you in all of the ways you express yourself. If they can do that maybe it's the point where friends move into a partner or that deeper level of relationship.
I give up on friendships. Too many fickle people. Online friends are still goated though. You know youll be lucky to die with at least 1 friend by your side so im happy to have the few i have. I could have none so if someone doesn't want to be friends it is what it is theyre missing out on a good time oh well
i stumbled upon your video just today and it was really insightful!! hits close to home as a 23 year old now, i find comfort in the fact that i'm not alone in this struggle too. love your voice too! thank you so much for this video c:
I think it’s different having adult friends versus before because in school you just kinda might people and happen to become friends versus now it’s more of an effort which is tough lol 😂
Good to know my struggles are not unwarranted and alone. And knowing how both of you have found friends made me realize I was always screwed in making friends, lmao. My childhood friends who were some of the only people I consider my friends, have unfortunately all passed. We all lived bad lives and were seemingly destined to end tragically due to the misguidance of our parents. It's a miracle I'm still standing frankly. But I didn't truly have a solid chance at college either, as responsibilities with family got more intensive to bare and none of the rest of family cared to help. Sacrificed 6 years to take care of them. That ended. But by the end of that. I was alone. Missed out on socializing in that regard. I'm glad you brought up the thing about being the "therapist" because that's definitely what I was for many of "friends" I met. And they never bothered to understand me or truly know me because they already thought they did know me. I was the guy who was up-front, honest, direct and caring. With a strong head on my shoulders. They thought I'd be fine alone. No need to really worry about me. I can handle myself. The moment I actually needed help in just the form of having some company to maintain my sanity, they were gone. And blatantly ignored me. That's when I realized I was alone. I'll tell you this. Trying to start up, being active and making new friends from complete scratch was hard. Is still hard right now honestly. Trying to do so with my hobbies weren't much help either. I had a passion for illustration and trying to be the initiator and meet people with the same passion for art as me has failed a lot. I think it has something to do with many of the artists types being (as stereotypical as it sounds) introverted. I liked combat sports, thought joining some boxing gyms would spark some friendships but the memberships were too expensive for my budget at some point and most of them seemingly just wanted to get their work in and had no interest socializing. Same story with just going to a regular commercial gym. It's all made me realize I took my friends I did have, truly for granted. I'm at a point now financially that honestly I just can't think so much about stuff like friends anymore. Even if it effects my mental state, being isolated for long periods of time. Gotta pay bills and rent.
never heard such relatable videos before 😍 anyways i love your angelic voice so much i t just boost my watching experience a lottt. please keep posting more contents
dude the sangaria strawberry milk is some of the most amazing strawberry milk you will EVER have its absolutely amazing and tastes like fresh strawberries. a lil bit sweet tho, if you don't like sweet stuff you won't like it as much but for everyone else its chefs kiss
I just started watching your videos -- my first video is the one with Julia Fei ? -- and I really like how you select these SO relatable topics :) really enjoyed this video A LOT thanks xxx
Thank you for your insight! I just turned 20 so I’ve been looking for new people to become friends with. I am a very shy person but when someone mentions my interests I start to enjoy talking! I hope to find people who wants to make friends too. I only have a few but it’s been on and off..
12:04 in this part of the video but omg totally agree! i remember I made a friend from sharing the same uber and then also going to the same bus 😂 luckily it was all chill nothing weird but its human moments like that that make my heart full, although as an introvert I needed to reopen myself again after literally everything that had been going post pandemic
As a highschool dropout, this is extremely easy. Like you said, this is the first time you aren't making friends by default. I lost my friend group in highschool, and I never had a college friend group. So these are skills I had to develop at 19, instead of 27. Having grown up through the early social media landscape, and now being a parent, it feels very easy.
I took a three-year gap year, and I believe college monopolizes young adult interactions. During those three years, I had very little human contact, which is why I concluded that my lack of friends was due to a lack of shared activities. Now that I'm back to studying, I engage in conversations about school subjects and play badminton with university students twice a week. I’ve realized that the key to building friendships is participating in activities together. About your point, I believe the skill you're referring to is open-mindedness-being less restrictive about how people should act right. This make sense, cuz if i want them to make me feel comfortable, i should do that vice versa too
@@biketraintaxland interesting. I'm wondering what you mean by acting right, and if I'm interpreting it correctly. But there is a thing where you have to decide to really open up to people because you can't be distant like in school. In school, you're going to see the same people all the time, but in adult life, you could easily never see this person again. So you have to be more open. But yeah, activities is key.
Ngl I’m glad I was a kid who always outside as a kid lol because this problem only seems to plague those that stayed home a lot and tried really hard in academics but not the other soft skills of life. Especially if you’re on the internet everyday :/
hey!! I came across this channel by accident but your voice is so soothing it's quite lovely and the things you talk about are nice too. I hope to see you grow more n more
I feel like I’m always the person reaching out though and being cancelled on last minute, I’ve always messaged first and Im always the one free to hang out
Heck ya, no matter how many times I hang out with my colleagues, I am still insecure about what I say and do to them. I only feel as comfortable as possible when I'm with my friends group, whom I've met since my secondary and high school days. I'm a teacher, so basically, I always have to behave in front of my students and even my co-workers :))
So ever since my mom left I have fear of abandonment. And the friends who taught me that they wouldnt just leave for no reason and that I can be loved for who I am have left my life. Not on great terms. So that helped a lot with trust /jk. Usually when I meet people for the first time and try to meet or engage with them after they dont follow trough. Or they turn out to be assholes. Or I lose interest. Sometimes friendships or any type of social relationship just feels like a waiting game to see what comes first to end it. I used to be a trusting person and when I meet someone that seems cool my first instinct is to be and to spend time with and get to know them. That can be a lot at first but Ive learned to reign that in. Lucky for me talking to strangers or approaching interesting people is not an issue for me. But that seems to be a two sides sword. On one side social interaction is easy for me but on the other side I do need a certain amount to be satisfied in that regard. A good minimum for me would probably be an hour convo every two weeks. Not everyone has time for that. And if they do, usually I was the talker and the other person would just nod along. When I did talk nothing much was said about that and when I had finished a topic or thought there still wouldnt be much said and that sucks. I put effort into what I say. I worry and try to help the people I like but when I meet up with someone and Im doing all the leg work, that sucks. I want to talk with you not at you. That doesnt help anyone. Right now trying to meet new people just seems like a chore with little reward. I have love to give and would love to give it but why would I when... reasons. So while I would love to meet new people I stopped being the person that runs after others to meet up and I also am more cautious of who I spend my time with and how much of myself I share. Maybe this resonated with someone. Maybe no one reads this. Might delete it later. If you made it this far have a good day/ night and I hope you have a good one. Bye
i have never thought about friends catagory. B4, my to-be-friends have to always satisfy many of these catagories. Now do you mentioned it, I feel so free to make friends. Some people are simply more suitable for certain activities than other, and its ok.
I feel like "Networking Friends" would more accurately describe connections with people you make for career/financial growth. People who are looking for very specific things from people are looking for a "supply". This is still very relevant in your 30s, though I think there are generational trends that encourage selfishness in friendship dynamics.
i have tried so hard to make friends with people last week, tried talking to around 40 people and they gave me vague responses and short anwers, completely uninterested, the one girl that actually tried to talk to me, we talked for an hour and half, offered me naughty things and i said, you are a nice and beautiful girl but rather, why dont we start as friends and she just played it out and might never see her again :p.
Ive been conditioned to only making friends when a teacher/professor assigns us seats with other people 😂, I have no social skills whatsoever when it comes to going to public events
Everyone ends up leaving. Either you move, they move, youre tired of them, theyre tired of you. People grow, and sometimes grow apart. This is most cases not all. Can anyone say they have an in real life best friend they see often more than 5 years? Who was your last bff or group of bffs, do you guys still see each other on the regular or communicate on the regular? Best place to make friends is church and online. Or even the gym. Work is a good place but, most of the time people at work places don’t like each other cuz they’re forced to be around each other. You can make friends but, keeping them around forever is probably unlikely. Don’t even get me started on trying to find a girlfriend or boyfriend, dating these days is like trying to cook a pizza in a toaster. Everyone wants someone but doesn’t want all the obligations. Including me. Anyways, just enjoy your friendships while they last, you might get lucky and have em around forever. Who knows, above all learn to become your own best friend. God and Jesus will always be there no matter what, never forget that.
im not in my 20s im 18 almost 19 but im not in school and work full time. i was homeschooled and moved about a year ago so i dont really have any friends so im having the same issues with trying to make friends as an adult. i also find my age very awkward because i get along with alot of older people in there 20s but im kinda to young for them but teenagers see me as to old and honestly the things i like and do dont match up with them either.
Hi Sarah! Thank you for the podcast. I also have a lot of interest in creative classes and was wondering where do you go to learn and do pottery in NYC (if you don’t mind sharing)?
The first 20 minutes of this video make me kinda of sad because I've never been able to experience any of those things in my high school or adult stages of life
Why would you need friends as an adult when you are busy and already fulfilled in your current life, unless it is a case where you would mutually be beneficial to each other?
its no different from when you were younger. we always bond over hobbies and interests the problem is when youre older you have no more time for your hobbies and interests. because of work.
I play a lot of videogames so ive made most of my friends online, I do have some friends in person but one thing ive always had a really hard time doing is making friends at work. Ive always felt like the work cultures ive worked in just havent been for me and not that I dont like my coworkers but ive never met anyone who i felt a strong like friendship connection with and its tough because ive worked in many different spaces as well. A part of me thinks it is the pressure of being proffessional in the workspace that makes it so hard for me to be myself and make friends. Has anyone had a similar experience and if you did end up making friends at work, how did you go about it?
I love your take on adult friendships. Following up is truly a superpower. As an INFJ, my introversion makes me less likely to say yes to impromptu meet ups as I need to "mentally prepare" and following up on rain checks is really tough too. But at the same time, its also exhausting to be the one trying to make plans all the time with friends in groups that don't make the effort to make plans.
i was super depressed during university on top of the fact that i am introverted and socially awkward, so i really missed my chance to make close friends. it's so lonely now and this feels like a lifelong regret i will have. if anyone has any tips i would appreciate it
happy july everyone! i can’t believe it’s been a whole month of soju with sarah but i’m so grateful for everyone who’s been here since day one or just stumbled across this podcast today! reminder we’re on spotify and apple podcasts too so go check us out there if you’re goin on your morning commute 😌 we have lots of exciting things coming so stay tuned 💛
Childhood friends are the best type of friend for me because we know more about each other and grew up together it's a special kind of bond that last a lifetime
"don't built friendships on being a good listener" I needed to hear that.
No man thats the problem
@@zombieblood1675that was way too funny lol
bro... am I cooked?
@@ashleylongley1628 thank you thank you
Wow, I resonate so much with James about being the “therapist friend.” I feel like I’ve always been the listener in all my friendships and family relationships, and even after hanging out with people I feel like nobody really knows me. I’ve never had a “go to” person I could turn to when I was going through a hard time until I met my husband, but it feels unhealthy to have only one person to rely on for that. As someone who defaults to asking questions to have the other person fill the awkward silences, I’ll try harder to open up more myself!
I recently realize I was quite the opposite and slowly trying to incorporate questions and build off the other's comments
I find myself in a similar situation and I've realize a lot are not aware they're not actively conversation. I decided to be proactive & instead of filling up the space in between questions, I'd bring up a convo about me. It's not the same as being asked but I think its a kinder way to hint them "hey, what about me?"
I feel this too. I’ve cut back on doing this a lot cause it was starting to really negatively affect me and several of those friends don’t talk to me anymore 🤷🏻♀️
You gotta know that you deserve to be heard too.
Exactly same here, my wife is amazing but unhealthy rely one person. Meeting new ppl, most ppl just talk about themselves and are selfish. It's not easy to find decent friends
"If you want to be everyone's friend then you're not being a friend to yourself" 🙏🙏
"Don't set yourself up to be the listener friend". Wow, something I've struggled with. Sometimes I become friends with people who love to talk a lot, and I love to listen, but they get easily distracted when I start talking. Something I struggle with
I can't get a word in sometimes. Or actually talk the way I'd like to because they just gotta keep talking
The amount of ppl who dont 'follow up' is crazy. This leads to resentment and just questioning their place in the relationship and they just look for friends who value their time.
I'm not gonna lie. I am that person who does not follow up. Need to work on that.
I’ve found that through working on feeling more secure in my own skin, the resentment and insecurity in a relationship ends up fading a LOT. Like okay this person didn’t follow up with me or doesn’t put as much energy as I do after I’ve communicated this to them? That’s okay, I have other stable fulfilling relationships. The number one being with myself 😉
I feel like I don’t follow up with anyone, but maybe taking some time every couple of days is a good start😅
The not following up is so real. I've done a couple speed friending events, kinda like speed dating but the goal is to meet people you want to chat with or hangout with. And despite having fun great convos each time I went, ppl just follow me on Instagram or give me their phone number, but don't respond when I DM. It's like, did you actually want to be friends with me? Or did you just sign up for the event on a whim?
Not in the best headspace as I type this. 25, and they say you gotta be active, get out the house to make friends, but even doing that ppl have to choose you or stick around long enough : /
My experience:
1. some true friendships are those that despite how little you hang out, it feels like you saw each other yesterday
2. not many people have friends from high school, but if you do, they're very strong and its worth the effort to always communicate
3. do not skip on meeting people at uni. it will help you later on in your professional life. you may even make 1 strong friend by joining a club or sport team
4. be friendly at work. it will grant you at least 1 trustworthy person which will make your experience much better and it can grow into a friendship (regardless of age difference)
It's not easy making friends later in life, but all you need is to be kind, honest, and respectful. Trust is very important. Eventually, you will gravitate toward someone.
Another one I would add is: you don't get to pick your friends, some people just suddenly become your friend. This also means don't try to force becoming friends it's just not always going to work out.
first two points!!! I can so relate. those friendships are for life 💯
I totally feel you when you said making friends can sometimes be a hassle when they also have responsibilities. Growing up I learned that not everyone is going to associate with you. Investing your time into people who will actually uplift you and see you at your best is beneficial. I hope you had a great weekend Sarah❤
im deeply impressed by James’ nugget of wisdom on choosing friends that are listeners. being a listener has always been the story of my life, and while i always listen attentively to others rambling, ranting and confiding (honestly i do think im one of the best listeners), its hard to find people who will truly listen to me with genuine interest and undivided attention.
thats why i do have ‘friends’ but have very few i can truly call ‘close friends’. for me, ‘close friends’ are whom i can bare my heart and soul to without fear of boring them and being judged, as well as those on the same wavelengths. for this matter, i’ve struggled to make any new meaningful connections once i started work, and most of my so-callled close friends are usually from school days.
I recommend reading the book We Should Get Together. It talks about adult friendships and how to make/maintain/rekindle them amidst real-life barriers and circumstances. The author writes with a fun and warm tone.
i love james! i think bc of how comfortable and himself he is with you, his "slow burn" has actually been quite fast for me haha
I started listening to your podcast yesterday and finished all three episodes in one sitting. I was so happy when your new episode came out today! It is becoming my new comfort podcast:)
When I moved to the city as a young adult not knowing many people I made friends through an organic process with a solid group of people (mixed age group from 20's all the way up to 50's) and me being in my 20's. It was a total of about +/- 40 people. They are all professionals and are still my friends today. As a group we went to same bbq's, parties, mixers, and even went to festivals as a group. During the pandemic most everyone moved to different parts of the country but we still keep in touch and get together even if a much smaller group.
Forming friendships is a effort thing that needs to come from both sides. A real friend will tell you when you’ve done something fucked up with brutal honesty. A real friend will stick with you in both your ups and downs, they’re willing to talk things out like actual adults instead of pinning blame on you or someone else for their mistakes, they make time for you and take time out of their to spend it with you. Ppl don’t realize that if you find the right person not only does life become less lonelier but you learn and gain new experiences.
Thanks i really needed to hear this. Knowing other people feel the same is comforting.
most of my friends I'm still friends with Ive known since elementary school, middle school and high school. we're all like brothers. im 26 right now. its crazy how long ive known these guys.
such a different experience for me. Only a handful of people from elementary and high school.
hi sarah! i just recently came across your videos and was immediately hooked! i’m about to enter college as a freshman and hearing about your experiences is truly so informative even if it’s not in such a traditional sense, i really love hearing your perspective on things and i’m taking little notes on how i can improve going into college! any advice regarding relationships, school, and career is greatly valued! i really dont comment too much but this channel really feels like a hidden gem that i’m sure wont be so hidden for much longer but i thought i’d say hi as a new viewer and supporter
For me it feels like Covid destroyed any chance that I could have intimate friendships as an adult. I didn’t get to go to college in person and that already crippled my ability to make friends as a very introverted person. I also didn’t get to develop the skills of meeting new people for the same reason. I think I’ve come to accept that I don’t need new friends because I have enough people in my life to satisfy my social needs but that could also be cope because those people are my one childhood friend who I see about once a month and my sister lol
You can still develop those skills, you have your entire life ahead of you, there’s no reason to simply give up on it.
you are not alone i had the same experience unfortunately
Sarah I love ur main channel but ur podcast is literally my favorite to listen to!! thank you for discussing such relevant topics and keeping it real. also love james section in this, I felt a lot of what he said. ahhh LOVE THE POD GIRLLLL🫶🫶🫶YOURE A STAR⭐️⭐️⭐️
I loved so much of what James said during this episode. It gave me so much to reflect on as someone that also had a really small graduating class, but was kind of also "friends with everyone." I think as I've gotten older it's gotten worse and turned me into someone that has a hard time paying attention and actively listening and remembering things when people talk with me. The worst part is that I'll ask them questions to balance the conversation but end up not remembering their answer and having to ask again. That and self-identity are something I need to work on.
Also really appreciated the thoughts on social media and how it lets people know what you're interested in. My instagram isn't blank, but it isn't very helpful in describing what I spend my free time on. Just by putting yourself in places where you don't know other people, and giving them your social media, you're giving them a lot of information about yourself and what you like if your social media shows it.
Love having James in these! It is helpful to helpful both a male and female perspective
Omg love this new podcast series! Thank you for sharing 🤩! Making friends as a adult is hard for real 🥲!
Most friendships in NYC are very surface level and superficial especially within Asian friend groups like Chinese. A lot of them do not care about you on a deeper level. Most friends in the city will keep you around if they think you fulfill a certain need they have such as professional connections or access to certain social groups.
Having moved every 4 years through my entire life, now almost mid-20s, I have not for a moment developed permanent skills for making new friends in new places, its incredible, at this point I thought i'd be an expert, having moved house 10 times through 6 countries, but for some people it just never gets easier, covid hit right when i started college so I lost a whole deck of cards there of changing how you make friends in HS vs uni. For me the stories people have of growing up in a place and collecting all these lifelong friends is so like fantastical to me, I know a few people from previous countries I went to, but I don't have contact with anyone I knew before high school, and even high school ppl I barely know anymore.
It is often difficult for one to make friends without them taking it as a romantic gesture
this is real. making friends with the opposite gender never worked for me the guy always end up expressing feelings.
really like this style of video, and the hand held interview mic just gives it a cool aesthetic
WOOOO 4 episodes!! look forward to many many more :) 🎉❤
Such a great topic to discuss. Enjoyed your Podcast, Sarah!
could u talk about the hardships of making friends? things like cliqueyness, or flakiness / latenes, or if ppl have their established groups they dont care to make friends anymore?
or things like how it feels like u need to bring value/attractiveness in order to be considered? (which relates to ur network friends/hobby friends/ and kinda about fun-ish friends)
The second point is a very overlooked and important aspect that people seem to ignore for some reason.
As someone who recently lost my bff, and is also entering a new phase in my life, this was very helpful and mind-opening, thnx!!
I think im really lucky. This specific friend group I made at the very end of college started out as the "party friends" and they very much still are, but they have also transitioned into the friends I can go to for comfort and I love them for that. I just turned 24 and am an ambivert I feel like im at a point in my life where I have a lot of "work friends" and excluding that small group of friends I previously mentioned I feel pretty isolated because they all live at least 30-45 minutes from me depending on traffic. So I really want to start finding ways to make new friends and I think im really going to start looking into events I can do that connect with my hobbies so that I can make them. Also shout out to Sarah, I found your channel off of this video and I think you seem so relatable and down to earth. Sorry this is so long but also James's point about not building friendships off of being a good listener will definitely stick with me and I've never thought about it that way before.
Great watch and listen. I'm in my mid thirties and this defs applies to me. I think the hardest part for me was being intentional and making the effort. Coz like you mentioned a lot of people end up being lost connections coz people are open to making friends but maybe sometimes unsure of how to approach those people and put in the work. Different to like school and college where things just fall into place especially at varsity just meeting people at varsity is straightforward versus making friends at work or out in the world during hobbies and stuff.
run clubs are a cool phenomenon that helps bring ppl together to create incidents where strangers meet on similar terms
One way I am able to tell if they are a friend or not, is if they allow me to vent and give feedback. Many friendships in the past would not allow me to do either but my friend would dump their issues on me.
I've always set myself up to be the listener friend becuz for me thats the only feasible way I imagine anyone even wanting to spend time with me, most of my experience has been that ppl tend to be self-serving and unless you do something that entertains/interests them, they just aren't willing to give you the time of day. But idk i think that has a lot to do with my upbringing and how I spent most of my life having to construct my life, routine, lifestyle around whatever made my dad happy, appeased and less like to have meltdowns or tantrums which he'd have to literally anything, whenever he got insecure about something he'd take it out on us, and idk I've felt that to a much lesser degree people can be so narcissistic in friendships, that they want to take take and the second you ask for anything, or just ask them to listen, they get bored. The most social ppl I see are the ones least likely to listen, idk what that says. All I know is that I have shit social skills so I have to do my best to keep whatever ppl I even manage to have relationships with. I hate parents that say being in your 20s is great, what horseshit, thats nostalgia goggles speaking, they just remember the fact they had less responsibilities and ignore this aspect of it, besides when it comes to socialisation Gen Z is in a much worser situation than previous generations, it can sound like a meme but the way we grow up on internet has stunted so much of the basic socialising processes and especially just casual situations where ppl USED to make friends now is much rarer.
You’re so well spoken and calming to listen to
im so happy i stumbled upon your pod, sarah! We're the same age but you're like a big sis for me. i really admire how you express yourself and the way you share your wisdom as you navigate life. will be here for as long as you create 💖
saw this video on my recommendations. y’all got really good advice and topics, and i love how relatable and chill your convos are. gonna watch the other episodes :)
Definitely made some amazing points for me in the networking segment of the vid. That type of relationship building, like you said, used to always leave a bad taste in my mouth. New here but loving the vibe. Dope work
This video fr just made me reflect on my life. I´m about to be 20, I´m in college and I have never felt lonelier. I needed this and I need to remeber to be my own best friend
Thank you for the video Sarah! Super comfy vibes, and thanks for talking about the 'categorising' situation, I think its a confusing part of these relationships because you would think its just people who like to hang out often, but not everyone is going to always be aligned in activity, time, lifestyle etc.
Ultimately, I think the acknowledgement that the human experience is inherently a lonely one is really important in the pursuit of friendship. It gives a bit more personal responsibility to develop oneself into someone who people can make friends with. Especially during early 20s when people are experimenting (or not) with opinions and tastes. We have diff friends for diff reasons and it's kind of impossible for any one particular friend to be able to meet all of the needs and see you in all of the ways you express yourself. If they can do that maybe it's the point where friends move into a partner or that deeper level of relationship.
I give up on friendships. Too many fickle people. Online friends are still goated though. You know youll be lucky to die with at least 1 friend by your side so im happy to have the few i have. I could have none so if someone doesn't want to be friends it is what it is theyre missing out on a good time oh well
Bet. Wanna be friends?
@@Precious_Beann sure where to chat and share glorious stories of our earthly adventures
@@aguyaguyaguyimaguy super excited to talk.
@@aguyaguyaguyimaguy hello?
@@Precious_Beann sorry i was working im an artist who are u
i stumbled upon your video just today and it was really insightful!! hits close to home as a 23 year old now, i find comfort in the fact that i'm not alone in this struggle too. love your voice too! thank you so much for this video c:
I think it’s different having adult friends versus before because in school you just kinda might people and happen to become friends versus now it’s more of an effort which is tough lol 😂
You guys compliment each other’s energy so well.
Good to know my struggles are not unwarranted and alone. And knowing how both of you have found friends made me realize I was always screwed in making friends, lmao. My childhood friends who were some of the only people I consider my friends, have unfortunately all passed. We all lived bad lives and were seemingly destined to end tragically due to the misguidance of our parents. It's a miracle I'm still standing frankly. But I didn't truly have a solid chance at college either, as responsibilities with family got more intensive to bare and none of the rest of family cared to help. Sacrificed 6 years to take care of them. That ended. But by the end of that. I was alone. Missed out on socializing in that regard. I'm glad you brought up the thing about being the "therapist" because that's definitely what I was for many of "friends" I met. And they never bothered to understand me or truly know me because they already thought they did know me. I was the guy who was up-front, honest, direct and caring. With a strong head on my shoulders. They thought I'd be fine alone. No need to really worry about me. I can handle myself. The moment I actually needed help in just the form of having some company to maintain my sanity, they were gone. And blatantly ignored me. That's when I realized I was alone. I'll tell you this. Trying to start up, being active and making new friends from complete scratch was hard. Is still hard right now honestly. Trying to do so with my hobbies weren't much help either. I had a passion for illustration and trying to be the initiator and meet people with the same passion for art as me has failed a lot. I think it has something to do with many of the artists types being (as stereotypical as it sounds) introverted. I liked combat sports, thought joining some boxing gyms would spark some friendships but the memberships were too expensive for my budget at some point and most of them seemingly just wanted to get their work in and had no interest socializing. Same story with just going to a regular commercial gym. It's all made me realize I took my friends I did have, truly for granted. I'm at a point now financially that honestly I just can't think so much about stuff like friends anymore. Even if it effects my mental state, being isolated for long periods of time. Gotta pay bills and rent.
You should do an episode with your college friend group!!
never heard such relatable videos before 😍 anyways i love your angelic voice so much i t just boost my watching experience a lottt. please keep posting more contents
hi sarah! i've been really enjoying the podcasts and resonated so much with ep 1 that i got hooked
also big james fan, can we name the fandom pls
This channel is so beautiful, I loved listening to you and Jung.
dude the sangaria strawberry milk is some of the most amazing strawberry milk you will EVER have its absolutely amazing and tastes like fresh strawberries. a lil bit sweet tho, if you don't like sweet stuff you won't like it as much but for everyone else its chefs kiss
I just started watching your videos -- my first video is the one with Julia Fei ? -- and I really like how you select these SO relatable topics :) really enjoyed this video A LOT thanks xxx
Your voice is so soothing. I’ve been binge watching your videos for the past few days.
Thank you for your insight! I just turned 20 so I’ve been looking for new people to become friends with. I am a very shy person but when someone mentions my interests I start to enjoy talking! I hope to find people who wants to make friends too. I only have a few but it’s been on and off..
This has been the best video ive seen in a while
12:04 in this part of the video but omg totally agree! i remember I made a friend from sharing the same uber and then also going to the same bus 😂 luckily it was all chill nothing weird but its human moments like that that make my heart full, although as an introvert I needed to reopen myself again after literally everything that had been going post pandemic
As a highschool dropout, this is extremely easy. Like you said, this is the first time you aren't making friends by default.
I lost my friend group in highschool, and I never had a college friend group. So these are skills I had to develop at 19, instead of 27.
Having grown up through the early social media landscape, and now being a parent, it feels very easy.
I took a three-year gap year, and I believe college monopolizes young adult interactions. During those three years, I had very little human contact, which is why I concluded that my lack of friends was due to a lack of shared activities. Now that I'm back to studying, I engage in conversations about school subjects and play badminton with university students twice a week. I’ve realized that the key to building friendships is participating in activities together.
About your point, I believe the skill you're referring to is open-mindedness-being less restrictive about how people should act right. This make sense, cuz if i want them to make me feel comfortable, i should do that vice versa too
@@biketraintaxland interesting. I'm wondering what you mean by acting right, and if I'm interpreting it correctly.
But there is a thing where you have to decide to really open up to people because you can't be distant like in school. In school, you're going to see the same people all the time, but in adult life, you could easily never see this person again. So you have to be more open.
But yeah, activities is key.
Ngl I’m glad I was a kid who always outside as a kid lol because this problem only seems to plague those that stayed home a lot and tried really hard in academics but not the other soft skills of life. Especially if you’re on the internet everyday :/
hey!! I came across this channel by accident but your voice is so soothing it's quite lovely and the things you talk about are nice too. I hope to see you grow more n more
I listened to this whole podcast as I worked… I totally agree
I feel like I’m always the person reaching out though and being cancelled on last minute, I’ve always messaged first and Im always the one free to hang out
i love james ! big ups
i really listened to the whole thing., really insightful. thank you
Please keep posting! ❤
I just know James is a knockdown shooter 🏀
James is goated
Heck ya, no matter how many times I hang out with my colleagues, I am still insecure about what I say and do to them. I only feel as comfortable as possible when I'm with my friends group, whom I've met since my secondary and high school days. I'm a teacher, so basically, I always have to behave in front of my students and even my co-workers :))
So ever since my mom left I have fear of abandonment. And the friends who taught me that they wouldnt just leave for no reason and that I can be loved for who I am have left my life. Not on great terms. So that helped a lot with trust /jk. Usually when I meet people for the first time and try to meet or engage with them after they dont follow trough. Or they turn out to be assholes. Or I lose interest. Sometimes friendships or any type of social relationship just feels like a waiting game to see what comes first to end it. I used to be a trusting person and when I meet someone that seems cool my first instinct is to be and to spend time with and get to know them. That can be a lot at first but Ive learned to reign that in. Lucky for me talking to strangers or approaching interesting people is not an issue for me. But that seems to be a two sides sword. On one side social interaction is easy for me but on the other side I do need a certain amount to be satisfied in that regard. A good minimum for me would probably be an hour convo every two weeks. Not everyone has time for that. And if they do, usually I was the talker and the other person would just nod along. When I did talk nothing much was said about that and when I had finished a topic or thought there still wouldnt be much said and that sucks. I put effort into what I say. I worry and try to help the people I like but when I meet up with someone and Im doing all the leg work, that sucks. I want to talk with you not at you. That doesnt help anyone.
Right now trying to meet new people just seems like a chore with little reward. I have love to give and would love to give it but why would I when... reasons.
So while I would love to meet new people I stopped being the person that runs after others to meet up and I also am more cautious of who I spend my time with and how much of myself I share.
Maybe this resonated with someone. Maybe no one reads this. Might delete it later.
If you made it this far have a good day/ night and I hope you have a good one.
Bye
27 but living in the city for 45 years is wild
oh wow. this seems like a cool chanel. i really enjoy what you say! and Id love to learn more about you talks!
I was just drinking soju and stumbled upon this. The title struck out to me because I have been trying to analyse this exact topic lmao
So cozy❤❤
i have never thought about friends catagory. B4, my to-be-friends have to always satisfy many of these catagories. Now do you mentioned it, I feel so free to make friends. Some people are simply more suitable for certain activities than other, and its ok.
I feel like "Networking Friends" would more accurately describe connections with people you make for career/financial growth. People who are looking for very specific things from people are looking for a "supply".
This is still very relevant in your 30s, though I think there are generational trends that encourage selfishness in friendship dynamics.
Do people actually like going out just to get coffee??
Don’t ever stop making these
that couch looks so comfy
i have tried so hard to make friends with people last week, tried talking to around 40 people and they gave me vague responses and short anwers, completely uninterested, the one girl that actually tried to talk to me, we talked for an hour and half, offered me naughty things and i said, you are a nice and beautiful girl but rather, why dont we start as friends and she just played it out and might never see her again :p.
Ive been conditioned to only making friends when a teacher/professor assigns us seats with other people 😂, I have no social skills whatsoever when it comes to going to public events
I feel alienated from some of this advice because of my personal position, but I still think this a good video
A good listen as I don't have many friends since everyone has moved away and such
Loved this episode ❤ does anyone know what mic she’s using, I love the audio ?
Everyone ends up leaving. Either you move, they move, youre tired of them, theyre tired of you. People grow, and sometimes grow apart. This is most cases not all. Can anyone say they have an in real life best friend they see often more than 5 years? Who was your last bff or group of bffs, do you guys still see each other on the regular or communicate on the regular? Best place to make friends is church and online. Or even the gym. Work is a good place but, most of the time people at work places don’t like each other cuz they’re forced to be around each other. You can make friends but, keeping them around forever is probably unlikely. Don’t even get me started on trying to find a girlfriend or boyfriend, dating these days is like trying to cook a pizza in a toaster. Everyone wants someone but doesn’t want all the obligations. Including me. Anyways, just enjoy your friendships while they last, you might get lucky and have em around forever. Who knows, above all learn to become your own best friend. God and Jesus will always be there no matter what, never forget that.
im not in my 20s im 18 almost 19 but im not in school and work full time. i was homeschooled and moved about a year ago so i dont really have any friends so im having the same issues with trying to make friends as an adult. i also find my age very awkward because i get along with alot of older people in there 20s but im kinda to young for them but teenagers see me as to old and honestly the things i like and do dont match up with them either.
Find social activities where everyone shares in the same struggle.
Hi Sarah! Thank you for the podcast. I also have a lot of interest in creative classes and was wondering where do you go to learn and do pottery in NYC (if you don’t mind sharing)?
The first 20 minutes of this video make me kinda of sad because I've never been able to experience any of those things in my high school or adult stages of life
Holy shmoly I’m subscribing
Why would you need friends as an adult when you are busy and already fulfilled in your current life, unless it is a case where you would mutually be beneficial to each other?
what is this “automatically make friends by default” thing?
its no different from when you were younger. we always bond over hobbies and interests
the problem is when youre older you have no more time for your hobbies and interests. because of work.
I play a lot of videogames so ive made most of my friends online, I do have some friends in person but one thing ive always had a really hard time doing is making friends at work. Ive always felt like the work cultures ive worked in just havent been for me and not that I dont like my coworkers but ive never met anyone who i felt a strong like friendship connection with and its tough because ive worked in many different spaces as well. A part of me thinks it is the pressure of being proffessional in the workspace that makes it so hard for me to be myself and make friends. Has anyone had a similar experience and if you did end up making friends at work, how did you go about it?
Great video
33:15 this tofu skewer is Chinese😊James got it correct lol
You make me want to start my own vlog/poscast
I love your take on adult friendships. Following up is truly a superpower. As an INFJ, my introversion makes me less likely to say yes to impromptu meet ups as I need to "mentally prepare" and following up on rain checks is really tough too. But at the same time, its also exhausting to be the one trying to make plans all the time with friends in groups that don't make the effort to make plans.
i was super depressed during university on top of the fact that i am introverted and socially awkward, so i really missed my chance to make close friends. it's so lonely now and this feels like a lifelong regret i will have. if anyone has any tips i would appreciate it
Hi! Who designed your profile picture logo? It’s really beautiful!
I LOVE THAT soda/milk/tea? brand sm i get that and royal milk tea whenever i get the chance
Soju is Korean no? Not Japanese