Narcissist (NPD) Hijacks Borderline (BPD), People-pleasing, Casual Sex
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- Опубліковано 10 чер 2021
- The comorbidity of narcissistic and borderline personality disorders (NPD and BPD) is counterintuitive: they appear to be mutually exclusive.
Both Borderlines and narcissists are grandiose, but the former possess warm empathy and emotions whereas the latter lack them.
The only way to reconcile these contradictions and to square the circle is by assuming the existence of semi-dissociated self-states that come to the fore in reaction to changing circumstances and environments.
In a comorbid state, BPD is always dominant while NPD is recessive.
But the narcissistic structures hijack the borderline’s empathy and emotions and leverage them during the lovebombing and grooming phases.
The Borderline finds herself or himself trapped in a narcissistic shared fantasy.
To the Borderline, the narcissistic landscape feels surrealistic, alien, and vaguely menacing. L
The self-states which are narcissistic and secondary (factor 2 or F2) psychopathic regard the borderline with self-destructive contempt for her weakness and vulnerabilities. They seek to “protect” and “rescue” her from herself.
This hardwired ego dystony founded on permanent dissonance between the subpersinalities, results in mood lability, emotional dysregulation, and psychopathic features, which are even more extreme than in a classic presentation of BPD.
The complex of behaviors known as people pleasing emanates from multiple etiologies. In an earlier post, I have mentioned anxiety. Another source is social phobia.
Socially phobic people often become avoidant: they shun all social interactions.
But a small minority of them disinhibit themselves with alcohol and drugs and then proceed to act out and engage in dysregulated, reckless, and unboundaried behaviors, including and especially sexually.
These self-defeating and self-trashing behaviors are intended to accomplish the goals of pleasing others, fitting in, belonging, being accepted, appreciated, “loved”, and liked.
But the phobia never disappears. This constant presence drives an escalation in people pleasing behaviors and the compromising of self-respect, self-esteem, and boundaries which renders the phobia even worse.
It is a vicious cycle which often results in lifelong anxiety disorder, depression, and passive-aggression.
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I am a full on people pleaser. It’s pathetic. I feel so bad if I can’t make someone happy or if I disappoint anyone. It breaks my heart. I need to change this. There are so many people who take advantage of it. It hurts because I can see when they do.
@@urlauburlaub2222 it’s awful when I got into a relationship with a narcissist and could never do anything right. Now that I think about it, it is a challenge to make him happy because I was failing as a person. So I tried harder. I just got worst. I say sorry so much that some of the people who are close to me keep telling me to stop. It’s almost an impulse. I literally gave everything and what I got back in his words were, “ you are a terrible wife, mother, cook, person. I literally could do no right ever!! There has never been one sorry from him in our entire relationship (22yrs). When I cry I cry alone, not with any hug or touch from my husband. The lack of empathy is so bad I just keep my sadness inside. I don’t cry in front of him. He would belittle and mimic me when I did before as well. Called me weak. Now I refrain from any deep communication and know that if I stay it will be a emotionless relationship. I have to live with that realization.
Your not alone Sweetheart 💞. It took me time but I can easily casually say No.
It’s soo hard dating now a days when it seems like THE WHOLE WORLD is all about one night stands and hook ups! I am old fashioned and was hoping to marry again in this lifetime. The way this world is I’m feeling like that’s a long shot. Thank U Sam for validation of my thoughts and feelings about all of “The Predators “ out here! ☮️♥️😀
@Write it Black I seem to attract the NARCISSISTS! I won’t give up though! ☮️♥️😀
@Write it Black I know a lot of people who have found someone on the online dating sites too. I guess that’s the sign of the times we live in. I just think that happens to others. 😱 I just have to get out more! ☮️♥️😀
I feel you sister!
wow u picked my question. my grandiosity will think wishful by not caring if others had the same thought.
Thank you for another informative and thought provoking video. I would love to see more from you about social phobia or avoidant personality disorder, especially in regards to how that might present (also causative factors) when depersonalisation/derealisation are present and fuel the phobia. 😊
you are describing me, i moved abroad not realising i was bpd
That last 2mins floored me by truth! The rest resonated immensely also but the end lit up a torch on life as we know it today!
How can a narcissist enjoy narcissistic supply if they cannot access any positive emotion? Is it that they do not so much enjoy attention, rather that it simply makes them feel balanced and neutral?
My personal reflections on why pre-marital cohabitation fed my failed marriage: establishing a life publicly and with the sense of an intermingled future eclipsed opportunities for either of us to see red flags that would have challenged the illusion. The formality of the ceremony was more about saving face to disarm detractors and secure our own sense of legitimacy. The result was that we didn't learn how to work together (or even if we should try). Form over function.
How a co-morbid (Npd:Bpd) takes and process (sensory)information, as both Npd and Bpd have different styles of information processing (Bpds are emotions driven while npd are not)
Watch my vids on emotions.
It's all very vague, flexible and it depends, sometimes people don't talk to many people, then start enjoying interaction with people, make others feel good and be positive at any opportunity.
Wow……… you just explained my whole life to me in the first 11 minutes and 30 seconds of your video. Both my sides know about each other now… my mind is blown. So if I have two different sides that both hate each other, how do I make this work?
Dear Prof. Sam, if you would like to do it, could you make a video where you clarify the difference between codependent and borderline (or borderline in comorbidity with narcissism)? I can't tell them apart because if I understand correctly all 3 have more or less empathy, use control methods and somehow they cling to the other person. If you want to do it, thank you very much in advance.
Thank you! Bravo! ❤️👏👏
What the young seem to not realize is that no one is good their first time it takes work and practice.
This is utterly fascinating. Concerning the personality structure of someone who is NPD with comorbid BPD, would that broadly correspond to your new proposed diagnostic category of "covert borderline"? Or would a covert borderline be a special case of comorbidity, where the grandiose and psychopathic defence mechanisms are egosyntonic?
The latter.
@@samvaknin Thank you!
Hi again Sam. I bet you get millions of people complimenting on how beautiful you are, inside and out and are such a real man, with an adorable sense of humor and giggle. And SMART, and sexy, and smart, and and and... And I'm one of those millions.
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Mr Vaknin, as far as the the comorbidity of a BPD and NPD patient is concerned, how is such a patient suppose to end? Is there a chance for him/her to see through his/her wrongdoings, abuse to People, is there a chance to change with another partner in life?
I like your videos, I remember a documentary about the personality type, you speak about some interesting topics.
What about Covert narc with BPD?
Dear Professor,
Is it possible for someone to have co-morbid BPD & covert narcissism but the narcissism being more pronounced than the BPD? For example, can a very traumatic event , make the NPD came to the forefront as a coping mechanism? This is just from the experience of someone I know of .
Possible.
Borderline in a safe environment and narcissistic in a what perceived as a more judgmental or competitive environment?
Wow what an enlightening lecture as well, every single word is true 👍
I have an alter who mostly appears when I am drunk. She would be the narcissistic one. I am the borderline. Ultra empathic. I was not aware of her until a couple years ago when a partner told me about her. But they would not believe me that I didn't know about her and am not her. I think she is responsible for my missing important things. I'm so exhausted all the time I wonder if she comes out when I am asleep?? I sleep through alarm clocks and fire alarms. I've begun to wonder if she is responsible for that. To keep me from getting ahead in life.
I realized what my partner was telling me was true when one day I had a an alcohol drink in the back yard and woke up in my bed many hours later naked. I had no memory of the time in between. I tried really hard to remember but I got nothing. So I do not drink alcohol anymore.
spoiler: she's the reason partner even wants to stick around
I feel like I can definitely relate. Classic Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde for me, I don't have access to that person when I'm not drunk but she is not nice at all at all at all. I'm diagnosed with BPD but I honestly have been noticing more narcissistic traits having been there this whole time and are getting worse.
I also sleep thru anything and I mean anything. When I was nine my house was shot up and I was in the living room asleep on the couch and a bullet went a 2 feet away from my foot and more obviously. The point is my mother came down to get me bc they were shooting obviously and I wouldn't wake up and she got me to the stairs which led to the 2nd floor and had a door closing off the stairway, well she put me there to go up and I still wasn't awake and I went back downstairs trying to go the couch and my mom got me before I got to the living room. I've always been able to sleep like the dead and sleep walk and talk and had night terrors as a child.
I am Fairly Broad-minded, but there are still things which shock me and Sadden me. Being brought -up, in a Different, Generation and Depending on HOW you or I, were brought up, makes a 'BIG' difference, in a Persons' ideas, Views or Opinions, on Relationships. Commitments. How people Respond to each other. I find that , being abled to have my own, Individual Opinion, Comforting. Coming from a Different Generation, Definitely, allows for a Better, Perspective, allowing Healthy Options . Allowing better Clarity. Less Confusionand Dishonesty. Knowing when 'Something' feels Off. Dignity. Faith. Hope. RESPECT. 'JUSTICE'. June 12th. 2021. HUMANITY.
Mr Vaknin, how do these comorbid BPD - NPD end? Is there a chance for healing and what kind of partner can help or matches them?
It is exhausting....
Watch my vid on healing borderline.
Well, healing aside, a codependent partner would probably never leave you, though the potential for engulfment anxiety would probably occur, so perhaps not the best idea, actually
in your model of covert borderline the patient would be more stable?
also it is a hybrid of npd/bpd traits
is the difference that narcissistic traits are less pronounced?
i am a bit confused that here a comorbid diagnosis has the opposite effect
edit:
nvm the answer is in the comments
Is it also possible that the divorce rates among couples who don't cohabitate before marriage is so low because those who wait are typically religious? This would impose extreme shame and guilt towards the very idea of divorce that a lot of people who are not by-the-book religious wouldn't be faced with.
No. The studies controlled for religious and cultural effects.
Not sure if I am simplifying this too much, but it seems like a matter of internal versus external locus of control. Internal locus of control, and such virtues as patience, temperance and fortitude, predict successful marriages. But people generally wish to discredit this because the general population lacks self-control but also likes to discredit religion as purely external control.
I mostly just come these days for the jokes and smart mouth beginning 😂
I’m educated because comorbidity means more than one disorder.
And so all this states are aware of each other and that's what make them different from multiple personality disorder
Semi-dissassociation
Regarding your comment pertaining to differentials in divorce statistics between those who do/not cohabit prior to marriage: you are missing a confounding variable in your analysis. Those who are waiting until marriage to cohabit are (primarily) very religious. That means there is a large structure which also often involves the entire community in which the couple exists; and it is very common for the continuation marriages to be given a high degree of importance in said cultures. Additionally, the fact that the couple exists within a community allows one to infer an above average degree of resourcedness. Given the increasingly disconnected lives people are living these days, that is a powerful advantage.
Your "information" is wrong. The studies controlled for religion and cultural artifacts.
@@samvaknin I was not aware of these studies. Thank you for the additional info. Would you be willing to share source?
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After being aspergers my whole life I honestly would give my liver to be psychopathic these people seem on top of the world and I'm always thinking of the lowest common denominator and these guys would win in any all out war so why would I want to be my self if I couldn't even survive I can't get women and it's hard to do things I feel as though I was born deficient for the planet
i have aspergers too and this shit really fucking with me borderline and narcissist, possible psychopathy too. aspergers in my eyes feels like your watching a large group of people and they cant see u or watching a aquarium just like your a outside person looking in. people of narcissism and anti social personality disorder have also described their un expiring conditions in this way. i call autism the schizophrenia of emotions because they describe it like a watching a movie similar to feeling your outside looking in. i wish i was capable of emotions ive seen people get their blown off, get their dicks cutoff and burned alive and be able to sleep 5 minutes later, there aint no traumatizing me people always tell me im intensely scary and intimidating because of the blank emotionless look on my face, it is possible for me to feel emotions but not without forcing myself to, its like the hunger system its like im forcing myself to eat while i have no appetite which happens a lot now because i cant smoke weed and it really helps me but not completely lets say that when im sober where my emotions are on the temperature scale is absolute zero when im stoned its goes to 0 Fahrenheit and when i im drunk its goes to 32 degrees Fahrenheit. maybe im completely normal and i have just been desensitized so much that i cant feel shit anymore kind of like that joker quote whatever doesnt kill u makes u stronger, schizophrenia runs in my family and im mom is going crazy and delusional about jeff bezos she thinks that she is marry jeff bezos
i can tell u can truly help society and help win this war against the oppressors
Ignore the insults this was something i wrote for something else. cmon man, why u playin on the wrong team. this is collectivism, we dont need anymore sheep, we need individualism. our body our choice invalidating our rights and feelings about this arbitrary victimless crime does far more damage to us psychologically we go numb and then grow resentful for probably the rest of our lives if we are unlucky. we are just being teenagers even if we are getting in trouble aint that what we suppose to do. let me ask u a question if u stayed drug free for your whole life and still dyed of lung cancer wouldnt u want to go back and vape and smoke weed. if i was going to die of cancer after living a drug free life i would vape and smoke because why try to prevent something that u gonna die of regardless even if that isnt the case, we are all going to die no matter what we do all paths in life end in death its a blessing and a curse at the same time because its enables us to do whatever we want if u aint willing to gamble with everything u have to gain a whole whole lot more then u dont deserve to live im an excellent gambler first time i ever gambled i stayed there and won 10 to 100 times what i had started with and i watched hundreds of people come and go from that roulette table and i ended up staying until they said okay the gambling area is closing last round at 5am the problem is that people are not listening to their own instincts about what right and wrong is. they are being sheep and letting society influence and dictate what they think right and wrong is, the only thing they should ever listen to their own instincts and the only person they should ever look up to is themselves always stay true to what u are even in the face of death only hardcore communist collectivist democratic pussys would enforce druglaws if the marine vets from WWII saw what demons in the left was doing with the country saw what they commies were doing to the country they died fighting for they would be disappointed that they fought for a bunch backstabbing pussys lefty commies.... creeping socialism the government reminds me so much of a parent saying wahhh wahhh woe is me my kids aint listening to me wahh wahhh lol fucking commies 🤣
I thought narcissists don’t have a heart Sam?!
@@ChristianPassy It’s all bloody madness 🤦🏼♀️🤪
@@ChristianPassy excellent way to put it
How would you define heart? I think medieval scholastics would define it as a combination of tempered passion and willpower, modern people define it as touchy-feely sentimentalism and narcissists are obsessively self-willed people who lack it in both definitions.
My ex.
Holy $hit
😂
My ex
How about when a borderline and narcissist have a child together?
A whole new level of fucked up🤝
It has proven to be somewhat difficult these past 4 yrs.
@@itsmethatRiggschick82 what are you implying?
Exactly what I said. It has been difficult.
That you are a child born to parents with BPD and NPD? Or you are a person with NPD and BPD?
Just relax, then people match you if all goes well, try not to overthink, I agree and disagree with everyone that said its just an opinion, interesting videos.