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I'm only at 5m37s... but You are their step-father when you love and care about them because you can see the person you love (Keegan) in them. The kids are a part of who Keegan is... Keegan was that man you met and fell in love with in many ways because he is their father -- not just a father. I dated a guy with 4 teenage children... and when that relationship ended it was very hard because in some way 5 relationships ended. It is not that I disagree, but you aren't a step-parent when the kids are just a part of your life... you are a step parent when you love and care about the kids... not because they are your partner's children but because they are now your children. (so perhaps that will resolve in your mind when you get married, for example) or maybe it will resolve when something happens with the kids and Keegan isn't there (like a "Karen" starts yelling at the kids... you physically put yourself between the "karen" an the children).
Having been the kid in a step-parent situation very similar to yours (gay dad, both of my parents re-partnered), it was interesting to hear the step-parent side of it. Since I was in my teens I never thought of either of my parents’ partners as a step-dad, but I did enjoy and appreciate them both, and now 30+ years on, they are every bit as much my family as my parents are. I hope your relationship with Keegan’s kids will continue to grow closer, and I’m sure they will appreciate all the parent-y things you’ve done for them when they look back someday.
The kids are lucky to have 3 adults to care for them and love and support them. Don't fret about it Joel, you will grow into your role of parenting. You love and care for the kids and that's the most important thing.
I went from hating/never wanting kids to being in a relationship and being a stepdad, now twenty years later and we don’t use the word step, she’s just my daughter. I have two wonderful grandkids who I am devoted to, and my relationship with them and my daughter is something I’ll cherish for the rest of my life.
I so appreciate your honest introspection, Joel. You've been thrust into a completely different lifestyle and it is totally understandable to feel a sort of culture shock. But I truly believe that Keegan and the kids are soooo lucky to have you in their lives. You are a gem and I really mean that.
I think you have answered your own question. Your relationship and feelings has grown with the children. I think you are starting to feel like a parent. Have a talk with the kids and ask how they view your relationship. I think your fabulous with a good heart and any child would be lucky to have your love and support💕 Your a BP a bonus parent😊
I think that you've hit the nail on the head of what it's like to ease into being a step-parent. The only thing that got me calmed down was thinking that you grow to love your partner, so it makes sense that you grow to love their children too. Anyone who thinks that its instant family and instant happiness and harmony is deluding themselves. First friendship, then fondness, then protectiveness and finally love. Or at least that the way it worked for me. Great video Joel and very honest. No one is judging you and you're a great person. So, enjoy the fact that the kids are learning to love you right back.
Caring for kids with your heart is always the right way to live your life. The family unit, as you said, doesn't look the same for everyone. Kuddos to you for having such a big heart! Always love. ❤
Joel, this was a very thoughtful, sensitive discussion and while I'm not in a situation like yours, I think you are doing great. From seeing your family outings, it's obvious that the kids really do like you a lot and it seems to me that you are doing great.
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this video and your honest reflections! I just started dating my boyfriend who has a young daughter...I never, ever thought that I would have children, and now suddenly there is the very real possibility that I will have a stepdaughter (should this relationship work out...which seems to be where we're moving). Just hearing you talk about your feelings gave me so much permission to feel my own. And now after watching your video I'm making a list of the questions that I have in my head so that I can talk to my boyfriend about them, when the time is right. Thank you so so much for this!
Thanks for talking about this. I think it’s important for many. I’m a step mom and came into this club at just 22! I’m 33 now and in hindsight I was hard on myself and had a very hard time figuring out my role in this family. I will say it gets easier! You sound like you are very reflective and thoughtful and that makes a good step parent (even if you don’t feel like one yet lol).
Joel, I'm not sitting in your shoes, and I have two children of my own. I think the blessing of this is that you DO NOT have to define anything you don't feel the need to. From the limited lense I see this through there is a mutual respect between you and the kids. This is huge. There will always be hills and valleys to walk through, and the awesome thing is that you and Keegan seem very solid. If it's not time for labels to be established, let it happen when it's meant to. I believe we actually have an overabundance of labels these days that really aren't the important thing to focus on. Your relationship with Keegan and the kids is the core priority. From what I see, all of y'all are extremely blessed. Bask in that as much as you can. Time moves so fast. Most importantly, give yourself some grace. These kids are lucky to have someone like you in their life. Have a great week. You're rocking it!
Whew, Joel, you wore me out. I fully understand where you are coming from but be thankful and happy that you have been given children that you can learn from and about as well as to guide them in your own way into adulthood. Whether you wanted your own flesh and blood children, you now have children in your life that count on you in whatever way to help them become responsible people and even though they have their Mom and Dad, you are still a part of their lives and how you react to their challenges will help round out their lives. I have always said that if kids could travel the world, they would grow up to not only be better adults but to have a better understanding of human life and I would venture to say, our world would be quite different from what it is now and so it will be with you and the kids for their life experiences will be better with you in it than if you weren't!
Hey Joel, I am a stepparent. When my husband and I got married he had 3 boys ages 6-11 and I had 5 and 3 year old boys. We have now been married for 27 years and two years ago, my youngest stepson who was around 32 at the time said to me " Julie I am so glad that you were my stepmom, you never tried to take the place of my mom. But I knew that you loved me and I could trust you to take care of me and do things to my best interest" he then told me that he loved me and he was sorry he had never said so before. That made me feel so validated and happy. Because as I always say "step families are not for wimps!"
This is a VERY honest & heartfelt insight to your taking on a whole new life in the name of love! It's impossible to compare how you would love someone else's children as your own if youve never had your own, and quite frankly a bit vile for people to voice such a thing. Love is love right? You are a bonus role model/mentor to your bonus kids! You are ALL fortunate to have each other.
Its kinda wonderful that ot all seemed to happen unknowingly, like it just seemed to happen very organically without you realizing it's all goong on. If you look back, they adore you and dont worry about it, dont over think it. I never want kids, i like being the gay uncle lol but i could totally change. Life is funny that way
Probably the most open and thought-provoking video from you in a while. As a gay man who has never wanted children, I find your circumstance and perspective really interesting. Having watched previous videos of you, Keegan and the kids, I've often wondered about the emotional side of your family dynamics. I think you've provided a much needed insight and I applaud you for being so candid.
Joel, you have made some points that I never even thought to think of. You are in a position that nobody really does talk about and I thank you for doing so. You all seem great with each other to me! Thank you for sharing this, I think more people really should consider things from your position.
Joel, thank you so much for your extended, very personal video on this topic. It's super important and not talked about enough at all. And your authentic transparency is refreshing, to say the least. As a single parent who tries desperately, and in vain, to provide a healthy co parenting situation, it's really nice to see someone on the other side of it who feels no desire to be competative, vindictive, or anything but supportive and loving to those kiddos. That's what they need and it's priceless. Keep up the good work of self reflecting and self growth and that alone will influence them in ways you won't even be trying to. Just be you and be you trying to be better versions of you when you see the opportunity, even when that means filling up your own cup first. Kids absorb what you do way more than what you tell them. Side note, I also had pretty toxic divorced and badly blended family as a child, you're on the right path. Keep it up. And focus on being aligned and grounded in YOU. that's the best you can offer them.
The thing about a stepparent is that there is no definition & you can be what the kids need you to be. Since they’re older maybe it’s just an ear to come to when they might want to go to mom or dad. My parents divorced when I was older & my step parents just let me come to them & our relationships grew organically. If you make their dad happy then that’s what counts
Your video echoes our situation. The firsts like calling my husband dad, being a new grandpa and others came and reassured my husband he is loved and valued. Eighteen years later, we are grateful to have him.
This is why is important to coming out and accept you in the way you are. I could never have had a relationship with a woman. I just like men. Thanks God because I always was sure and strong about what I want and what I always want are men. I love you all my dear Gay men ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I think it is wonderful that you are being honest with yourself and with Keegan and the children. I can understand your struggles from the other perspective. I went through 5 step-fathers until I left home, at 17, to go to university for my undergraduate. There was always a break-in, getting-to-know-you phase from both directions. (Four of the five had children of their own, that is another level.) You seem to be dealing with the situation like it is a good fortune dealt to you. I also think that it is unfair to ask if you love the children as your own. You handled that quite gracefully. You will never know and it does not matter. They have parents who love them, and, as a bonus, they have you. Thank you for this.
We watched it cause we love you and support you Joel. It’s nice to evolve and change is inevitable in life. It’s a blessing. Welcome to the parents club xoxo you got this! Every kid needs love and all form of love is welcomed as long as it’s genuine xoox :) keep it up!
Joel, the fact that you think about this zo deeply, shows how important it is for you. Those kids are really Lucky to have you in there lives. Keep if up ánd keep on breathing it's okay
This was a fantastic vlog and I hope the topic will be a reoccurring one. Sharing your thoughts, feelings and observations on co-parenting is quite an eye opener. It’s a serious subject with so many aspects to consider and you presented it in your usual “smiling Joel” way. It belies your deep thought process on the subject. Well done 👍. Have a fabulous week.🙏😍😎
Suggestion: Let the kids decide what they are comfortable with calling you: How about "Uncle Joel"? I like my first name, so be okay with whatever they respectfully call you.
I'm a divorced parent and my husband was married previously and has children as well. I've seen all sorts of issues when it comes to coparenting over the last 20 years (too much to get into here). Being in a serious relationship with someone who has kids can vary depending on the situation. From what you have shared, it looks like you have a great relationship with Keegan's kids and they also seem like really great kids as well which helps a lot. I'm glad you are all settled into a nice routine. They may change their minds about moving in time. They are young still and it's a comfort to most kids when they come to a home they feel safe and comfortable in.
Oh Joel, it doesn't really matter what you call yourself as long as you love and care for them. You are in the process of evolving that's all. It happens to all of us. You are correct, they probably won't really appreciate you until they are older, totally natural. You are such a great example for them, don't sell yourself short. ❤ Maybe you should start a group for people in this same situation. I could totally see value in that.
I love this video. I totally agree with what you say. It is a big change to have suddenly taking care of two children. When we see them on your videos, they are always having fun. It seems such a naturally family. Good job 👍
You are so wonderfully self aware Joel. You are also a great example for me on my journey to becoming a more self actualized gay man. Thank you very much for so eloquently sharing and for just being you.
I have no experience to add to the topic. But it was just a while ago you were so against using the word stepparent. It is good to see you embrace it. I hope you continue to get along well with everyone and it all works out!
I remember when Joel said he wanted to be like the cool uncle, it's cute that he's now getting in the step dad era.I personally don't want kids, but I did once fall madly in love with a man who had a kid. Unfortunately he was straight, but he's probably the only person I would have been fine with being a step parent for his kid.
I've never commented on this particular situation in your life until you brought it up. I thought it would be presumptuous to have any idea of what the dynamic truly was. I am glad you decided to talk about it. I guess maybe taking your clues from the kids and Keegan, or even their mum as well. But you all care for each other very much, and that's a great start and doesn't really need a label. That being said I think you're a great person and role model for any young person. And you're doing great being a human in this family, we need to find a new word. Found-dad? I don't know...labels are problematic. Thanks for this positive and insightful video. 😊❤
You're lucky that the kids are old enough to give you their honest opinion when you ask if you're crossing a line. Even if the answer is uncomfortable, at least it's out in the open. Communication is the key!
Joel, it was interesting hearing your thoughts on the subject, thinking it also shows how invested you are with your new life and with Tayla and Fletcher being a big part of that. I am not a step parent, but I come from my parents getting divorced, so it is important to hear what a step parent feels about it all. I appreciated your honesty, and was thinking along the same lines had I been in your place. What I am saying is you will be fine, you come from a loving family, and they are just a text or phone call away if you are in need of extra support. I applaud you for caring enough to make the effort, and I'm sure Tayla and Fletcher feel the same. Thanks for taking us along, really was fascinating.
Life can be/is strange, turn a corner 5 seconds before or later does sometimes change life forever, just enjoy it all and count your blessings. 'just when you least expect it, just what you least expect' to quote the Pet Shop Boys!
Thank you for being so candid and honest. From my perspective, you have shown great depth while navigating these new relationships. I think you are all fortunate to have each other during this stage of your lives. Good work!
I loved this video! I think one day sooner or later they will start to come to you for advice and life problems, maybe they already have, but those are the times you’ll feel most like a step-dad and you’ll be great at it! My friend is in a similar situation and now many years later she is closer to her partners daughter than ever! There is something about being able to be honest with a parent figure that isn’t a parent that opens people up!
Thanks for doing this video. My partner and I are in the same exact boat. I come to the relationship with two teenagers from a previous marriage. He is younger than me and has jumped in to co-parenting with both feet. We use Bonus Dad instead of Step, in case you didn’t love the older terminology. Our best to all 4 of you! 🥰
16:09 I understand completely what you mean. I appreciate the fact that you have created this video. Because I am the same way. I do not want to have my own children, but I am a caregiver/career and this video is definitely helpful. So thank you for posting/uploading it.
Two things: first, my impression from their brief appearances on your videos is that Tayla and Fletcher are unusually good kids. You got lucky in that regard. Second, your initial attitude was right. You're not the parent. You respect the parents, and you respect the kids. Yours is a different role, and you seem to be doing fine at it. They probably appreciate that you're relaxed about it.
You know that Shakespeare quote, “all the world’s a stage”? I really take that to heart. We have so many different roles we play, depending on the situation (scene) and other people (actors). We’re always our own person, but we change a little, right? :) The fact that you’re considering these things is the important part ❤
Keegan's kids are soo lucky to have you as a "friend". It also validates your love for Keegan when you do those little sactifices, and the kids do appreciate it now and much more in the future. For me, the label "stepdad" only becomes true when you are truly their friend and they won't really care whether you see yourself as a stepdad or not.❤ and also funny thing is, its true that kids do not really think that their parents have their ien lives to live, lol, they do not even think their parents do not have sex, LOL!
its so obvious that you love the kids and you will grow into the role, whatever that will be. You are a lovely guy and Im sure a wonderful addition to your family.
I 100% relate to the thought that you would like people to slot into your life and think of you as much as you do into all of their lives.! I married a man with 2 little ones when I had no kids and everything did always center around them and their needs, which although it’s perfectly normal and necessary, it does make you feel a little left out and that you give so much more than you get. It’s just the nature of the dynamics unfortunately. You are correct, you will need to take care of yourself and not forget to fill your own cup. Keegan can also help by giving you his understanding and support. That will go a long way to make up for the unevenness of the situation that just can’t be any other way. You have figured it out in a year where it took me 5-10 years-hang in there because kids do grow up and leave for college and begin their own lives, then it becomes a more even playing field when everyone is more emotionally mature. You can finally have grown-up relationships full of tons of love. And the kids will tell you how much they appreciate your role in their lives which feels really nice as a stepparent ❤
I thought you presented this subject beautifully, Joel. It has a lot of layers and certainly is not easy to navigate. But it’s evident that you care very deeply about Keegan and the kids, and I’m sure they’re thrilled to count you as part of the family. You’ll figure it all out along the way. Be kind to yourself and enjoy your week! 😊
Thanks so much Chris! Yeah it's a strange one to talk about publicly, but reading everyones comments has made me realise it was a good thing to talk about!!
I enjoyed this video, mainly due to the fact I can relate to you in a way. My husband & I adopted two boys when they were 10 & seven (they are 17 & 14 now). One day, it was just us two & then suddenly it was four. In the beginning, we talked a lot about setting our relationship at their pace, and that worked out well for us. It seems you're doing a great job with them. ❤
I’m impressed with how much you have thought and researched about this topic in order to have a healthy relationship with your partner and his kids. You’re a good guy Joel.
The obvious stress of ur mind going a mile a minute on the subject is wat makes u a step dad. You're awesome n I'm sure ur a great step dad to them both❤
VERY interesting video. When the kids are old enough, and of course with their consent, I would love to see a video with y'all talking about these things.
I loved this video. Love your openness and honesty. I rarely express my feelings with anyone. Not that I'm dealing with being a stepfather . Just really enjoy your videos and your family dynamic. And your mom is beautiful. Love your birthday video. Wishing you much happiness on your journey with Keegan and your new family. ❤
I never been in this situation, but I think it would be good idea when the time is right that the four of you to sit down and have a talk about your role in this blended family. I think this would be a chance for you to get some answers to the questions you asked during this video. You should let Keegan's children know how much you care about them. Thanks for sharing this Joel, maybe you should share this video with them. Maybe a topic for HHH?
Joel, please keep talking. I'm a step mum and I'm oh so glad to hear someone else has the same feelings that I did and somewhat still do. None of my friends are step parents and they all chastise me for some of the things I've said. Glad to know I'm not alone . Thank you.
As someone who was once in your situation BY choice, I did everything you are attempting to explain freely without ever having justify myself to others. if conversations are being had, boundaries are being reviewed & you know your why, nothing else matters. If you are doing it because YOU want to, everything else is just piffle. And there are always solutions, like switching into the bigger car, etc. The bond is what matters. It’s either there or it’s not. And with everything online, there are groups to whom you CAN relate.
Joel…love your perspectives on this. The kids are lucky to have you in their lives. I have a feeling they know you care for them and they understand your role of making their dad happy! I know you do…but you should appreciate how well your parents have done in raising you to be such a loving and caring person
Great video, and I enjoy the single-topic format. It makes for a good podcast style experience. I didn't love the wavy text, but everything else was great.
Joel, you have opened my eyes a bit, Thank You! I have a son from a previous relationship and never gave it much thought on how my husband has had to deal with my son for the past 20 years.
Joel, You answered a lot of the questions I had and a few I hadn't thought of. Thanks! This would seem a really good topic for you and Keegan to discuss on your 3H Pod & channel. I follow several two-dad families on YT. Two families were created from adoption (one of those fostering first). Three families were created via surrogacy. You and Keegan are the only family I follow with kids from a former marriage. The number of subs for all these tells me there's a huge interest in parenting in the gay community. I'm from the generation that had never thought such family options would have ever been a realistic dream. *VISIBILITY OF HAPPY HEALTHY FAMILY LIFE DOES SO MUCH GOOD WHEN THE WORLD IS FACING SO MUCH HATE AND STRIFE.*
Very interesting vlog, Joel, thanks for sharing it. My perspective is that anyone who would take the time to research a topic they’re concerned about, read a book about it, and discuss it for 30 minutes in a vlog, is someone who already has the answers they need. Your thoughtfulness and careful consideration of your feelings and those of everyone involved tells me that you’re doing exactly what you should be doing, and there’s no need to worry about labels. Just follow your instincts, and I think you’ll see that Tayla and Fletcher will be better off for it. ❤❤❤
Joel, all your concerns have validity, of course. Hope you can see your new parenting life as a compliment by Keegan, and the kid's mom... They obviouly are trusting you with their most precious aspects in life; what a compliment to you. All of what you are expriencing is coming from beautiful a place of love you have with Keegan. I've only 'just' discovered you and Keegan(Happy Healthy Homo was my gateway, btw). You and Keegan share beautiful energy; Tayla. and Fletcher are lucky to be around such great giving energy. Kudos to all of you!!!
Loved the video. Like you I've never had the parent bug and wanted kids. I think you already answered your questions. It's all a matter of time. Your building memories and your looking after there best interests. So all these things will come in time. Your doing a great job. And always remember kids learn by example so you & K have a great relationship and I'm sure the kids are very happy that there mom and dad are happy. That's all they want at heart. So the day will come when they are 30 and say wow Joel was cool growing up. And you definitely are giving and showing purpose in the kids lives. Give yourself a break. You are doing good. And all parents learn as they grow.
imo what's most important is how you feel about the kids, not whatever label anyone wants to put onto the relationships you have with them. They're very fortunate to have extra people in their lives who love them.
This was a fascinating episode for me as your story resonated a lot with some of my own experience. I met a man when I was 21 and he was 29 newly divorced with two young daughters 6 and 8 at the time. He was from Yorkshire, myself London. He had joint custody but was in the armed forces so when he had the kids it was for weekends. When he left the forces we would have the kids a whole summer. I can totally relate to 'what am I to them'? and the role of disciplining. In the same way you kind of have to learn as you go when you're a biological parent it's the same when you're a step parent I think. I've never wanted my own children, just never felt that pull or urge and I quite liked being able to be 'part time'. I definitely think that getting your own joint home together will help you both, I don't want to say imposter syndrome, maybe I mean visitor syndrome. Like, you're fully integrated but it's not quite fully 50/50, add that with the parenting thing I can see how you might feel a little loss of identity on occasion.
I was in a relationship with a partner who had a daughter, so I understand where you are coming from. She was 6 when I met her dad, and we were together for 7 years. I did care for his daughter very much. I left that relationship over 23 years ago, and the daughter and I still keep in touch. She loves to remember the times we had doing things together. While we were together, my partner’s mother passed away, and she left some jewelry for her granddaughter, I promised his mother that I would keep it safe until she turned 21. Well when she was old enough I scheduled a time to meet with her to give her the jewelry. She still lives that I did that.
I am a stepmother to 3 children and I have 1 of my own who has a stepdad as well (my husband). I didn't raise my step children they where all grown and out of the house when my husband and I started dating. It does have it challenges, but the most important thing is communication and letting them know they can express their options and will be heard. Sounds like you are doing great--keep it up! :)
I respect your points of view, Joel. Keegan's kids are an extension of Keegan and you care about them. I was in 2 relationships with men who had kids and I cared about them, but didn't see them long enough to form a bond of "love" for them. It's totally normal. 😊
You are completely right...there's not much info about this "out there". When my wife became a step parent, she had previously decided that she didn't want to have children of her own, but she met me and I came with 2 sons of 12 & 13. She became their "sounding board" and a respected adult "friend". My oldest son even had her as his "best person" at his wedding.
I can fully relate as a step parent. I married my wife and she had a son 3 and a daughter 5. I had no children and I was 28 at the time and so was my wife. Only difference was my wife had come from a terrible situation with domestic violence was involved, so there was that to contend with. We were married in 2000, so I practically raised these kids, there was some visitation with the father. I never developed any relationship with him at all. He eventually stopped picking up the kids and dropped out of their lives leaving me as the sole father figure. I’d be the first to say I didn’t know what I was doing, but I loved them and I did accept them as my own. However, I always felt like an outsider. It was always those three had such a tightly knit relationship, then me on the outside looking in constantly. Once the kids graduated high school and became adults, they never did see me as as father figure. No matter what I did. So, I just loved them anyway.
You are sweet and caring. Tayla and Fletcher are obviously comfortable with you and your relationship with Keegan. Welcome to step-parenthood. Don't worry, you are doing fine.
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I'm only at 5m37s... but You are their step-father when you love and care about them because you can see the person you love (Keegan) in them. The kids are a part of who Keegan is... Keegan was that man you met and fell in love with in many ways because he is their father -- not just a father. I dated a guy with 4 teenage children... and when that relationship ended it was very hard because in some way 5 relationships ended. It is not that I disagree, but you aren't a step-parent when the kids are just a part of your life... you are a step parent when you love and care about the kids... not because they are your partner's children but because they are now your children. (so perhaps that will resolve in your mind when you get married, for example) or maybe it will resolve when something happens with the kids and Keegan isn't there (like a "Karen" starts yelling at the kids... you physically put yourself between the "karen" an the children).
A stepparent is so much more than just a parent: They made the choice to love when they didn't have to.
Having been the kid in a step-parent situation very similar to yours (gay dad, both of my parents re-partnered), it was interesting to hear the step-parent side of it. Since I was in my teens I never thought of either of my parents’ partners as a step-dad, but I did enjoy and appreciate them both, and now 30+ years on, they are every bit as much my family as my parents are. I hope your relationship with Keegan’s kids will continue to grow closer, and I’m sure they will appreciate all the parent-y things you’ve done for them when they look back someday.
The kids are lucky to have 3 adults to care for them and love and support them. Don't fret about it Joel, you will grow into your role of parenting. You love and care for the kids and that's the most important thing.
As a grown woman from divorced parents, I found this very interesting. And I really appreciate you sharing this part of your life with us ❤
I went from hating/never wanting kids to being in a relationship and being a stepdad, now twenty years later and we don’t use the word step, she’s just my daughter. I have two wonderful grandkids who I am devoted to, and my relationship with them and my daughter is something I’ll cherish for the rest of my life.
I so appreciate your honest introspection, Joel. You've been thrust into a completely different lifestyle and it is totally understandable to feel a sort of culture shock. But I truly believe that Keegan and the kids are soooo lucky to have you in their lives. You are a gem and I really mean that.
That's so kind, Dorothy! Thank you, that means a lot to me ❤
I think you have answered your own question.
Your relationship and feelings has grown with the children. I think you are starting to feel like a parent.
Have a talk with the kids and ask how they view your relationship.
I think your fabulous with a good heart and any child would be lucky to have your love and support💕
Your a BP
a bonus parent😊
This is by far my favorite video you've made. Very honest and introspective. Thanks for sharing.
I think that you've hit the nail on the head of what it's like to ease into being a step-parent. The only thing that got me calmed down was thinking that you grow to love your partner, so it makes sense that you grow to love their children too. Anyone who thinks that its instant family and instant happiness and harmony is deluding themselves. First friendship, then fondness, then protectiveness and finally love. Or at least that the way it worked for me. Great video Joel and very honest. No one is judging you and you're a great person. So, enjoy the fact that the kids are learning to love you right back.
Caring for kids with your heart is always the right way to live your life. The family unit, as you said, doesn't look the same for everyone. Kuddos to you for having such a big heart! Always love. ❤
Joel, this was a very thoughtful, sensitive discussion and while I'm not in a situation like yours, I think you are doing great. From seeing your family outings, it's obvious that the kids really do like you a lot and it seems to me that you are doing great.
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this video and your honest reflections! I just started dating my boyfriend who has a young daughter...I never, ever thought that I would have children, and now suddenly there is the very real possibility that I will have a stepdaughter (should this relationship work out...which seems to be where we're moving). Just hearing you talk about your feelings gave me so much permission to feel my own. And now after watching your video I'm making a list of the questions that I have in my head so that I can talk to my boyfriend about them, when the time is right. Thank you so so much for this!
Thanks for talking about this. I think it’s important for many. I’m a step mom and came into this club at just 22! I’m 33 now and in hindsight I was hard on myself and had a very hard time figuring out my role in this family. I will say it gets easier! You sound like you are very reflective and thoughtful and that makes a good step parent (even if you don’t feel like one yet lol).
Joel, I'm not sitting in your shoes, and I have two children of my own. I think the blessing of this is that you DO NOT have to define anything you don't feel the need to. From the limited lense I see this through there is a mutual respect between you and the kids. This is huge. There will always be hills and valleys to walk through, and the awesome thing is that you and Keegan seem very solid. If it's not time for labels to be established, let it happen when it's meant to. I believe we actually have an overabundance of labels these days that really aren't the important thing to focus on. Your relationship with Keegan and the kids is the core priority. From what I see, all of y'all are extremely blessed. Bask in that as much as you can. Time moves so fast. Most importantly, give yourself some grace. These kids are lucky to have someone like you in their life. Have a great week. You're rocking it!
Whew, Joel, you wore me out. I fully understand where you are coming from but be thankful and happy that you have been given children that you can learn from and about as well as to guide them in your own way into adulthood. Whether you wanted your own flesh and blood children, you now have children in your life that count on you in whatever way to help them become responsible people and even though they have their Mom and Dad, you are still a part of their lives and how you react to their challenges will help round out their lives. I have always said that if kids could travel the world, they would grow up to not only be better adults but to have a better understanding of human life and I would venture to say, our world would be quite different from what it is now and so it will be with you and the kids for their life experiences will be better with you in it than if you weren't!
I think every feeling you're having is valid. No matter how great your situation may be, it's still an adjustment. You're doing great! ❤
Hey Joel,
I am a stepparent. When my husband and I got married he had 3 boys ages 6-11 and I had 5 and 3 year old boys. We have now been married for 27 years and two years ago, my youngest stepson who was around 32 at the time said to me " Julie I am so glad that you were my stepmom, you never tried to take the place of my mom. But I knew that you loved me and I could trust you to take care of me and do things to my best interest" he then told me that he loved me and he was sorry he had never said so before. That made me feel so validated and happy. Because as I always say "step families are not for wimps!"
Aw thanks so lovely!! What a lovely moment! haha absolutely agree, step families are not for wimps haha!
This is a VERY honest & heartfelt insight to your taking on a whole new life in the name of love! It's impossible to compare how you would love someone else's children as your own if youve never had your own, and quite frankly a bit vile for people to voice such a thing. Love is love right? You are a bonus role model/mentor to your bonus kids! You are ALL fortunate to have each other.
Its kinda wonderful that ot all seemed to happen unknowingly, like it just seemed to happen very organically without you realizing it's all goong on. If you look back, they adore you and dont worry about it, dont over think it. I never want kids, i like being the gay uncle lol but i could totally change. Life is funny that way
Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your feelings! Just another reason we love to watch your videos
Probably the most open and thought-provoking video from you in a while. As a gay man who has never wanted children, I find your circumstance and perspective really interesting. Having watched previous videos of you, Keegan and the kids, I've often wondered about the emotional side of your family dynamics. I think you've provided a much needed insight and I applaud you for being so candid.
I think that you have always been very truthful on your channel.
Thoughtful too which will serve you well as a blended family.❤
A good sane and well thought out video...Kudos Joel
I think the fact that you’re so concerned speaks volumes. You’re awesome!
You are the sweetest. Those kids are blessed ❤
Joel, you have made some points that I never even thought to think of. You are in a position that nobody really does talk about and I thank you for doing so. You all seem great with each other to me! Thank you for sharing this, I think more people really should consider things from your position.
Joel, thank you so much for your extended, very personal video on this topic. It's super important and not talked about enough at all. And your authentic transparency is refreshing, to say the least.
As a single parent who tries desperately, and in vain, to provide a healthy co parenting situation, it's really nice to see someone on the other side of it who feels no desire to be competative, vindictive, or anything but supportive and loving to those kiddos. That's what they need and it's priceless. Keep up the good work of self reflecting and self growth and that alone will influence them in ways you won't even be trying to. Just be you and be you trying to be better versions of you when you see the opportunity, even when that means filling up your own cup first. Kids absorb what you do way more than what you tell them.
Side note, I also had pretty toxic divorced and badly blended family as a child, you're on the right path. Keep it up. And focus on being aligned and grounded in YOU. that's the best you can offer them.
The thing about a stepparent is that there is no definition & you can be what the kids need you to be. Since they’re older maybe it’s just an ear to come to when they might want to go to mom or dad. My parents divorced when I was older & my step parents just let me come to them & our relationships grew organically. If you make their dad happy then that’s what counts
Your video echoes our situation. The firsts like calling my husband dad, being a new grandpa and others came and reassured my husband he is loved and valued. Eighteen years later, we are grateful to have him.
This is why is important to coming out and accept you in the way you are. I could never have had a relationship with a woman. I just like men. Thanks God because I always was sure and strong about what I want and what I always want are men. I love you all my dear Gay men ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I think it is wonderful that you are being honest with yourself and with Keegan and the children. I can understand your struggles from the other perspective. I went through 5 step-fathers until I left home, at 17, to go to university for my undergraduate. There was always a break-in, getting-to-know-you phase from both directions. (Four of the five had children of their own, that is another level.) You seem to be dealing with the situation like it is a good fortune dealt to you. I also think that it is unfair to ask if you love the children as your own. You handled that quite gracefully. You will never know and it does not matter. They have parents who love them, and, as a bonus, they have you. Thank you for this.
We watched it cause we love you and support you Joel. It’s nice to evolve and change is inevitable in life. It’s a blessing. Welcome to the parents club xoxo you got this! Every kid needs love and all form of love is welcomed as long as it’s genuine xoox :) keep it up!
Taylor and Fletcher are blessed having you there! You have embraced the challenge of starting a blended family!
Joel, the fact that you think about this zo deeply, shows how important it is for you. Those kids are really Lucky to have you in there lives. Keep if up ánd keep on breathing it's okay
Loved your honesty. You are a real genuine example of parenting today. Thanks Joel
This was a fantastic vlog and I hope the topic will be a reoccurring one. Sharing your thoughts, feelings and observations on co-parenting is quite an eye opener. It’s a serious subject with so many aspects to consider and you presented it in your usual “smiling Joel” way. It belies your deep thought process on the subject. Well done 👍. Have a fabulous week.🙏😍😎
Major life adjustments, Joel, but I've never seen you more happy! Your life is filled with so much purpose, love and joy.❤❤❤❤❤
Aw thank you! ❤️
@@TheJoelWood yes, Joel, much love to you from Tampa! ❤️❤️❤️ to your new family too!
Suggestion: Let the kids decide what they are comfortable with calling you: How about "Uncle Joel"? I like my first name, so be okay with whatever they respectfully call you.
I'm a divorced parent and my husband was married previously and has children as well. I've seen all sorts of issues when it comes to coparenting over the last 20 years (too much to get into here). Being in a serious relationship with someone who has kids can vary depending on the situation. From what you have shared, it looks like you have a great relationship with Keegan's kids and they also seem like really great kids as well which helps a lot. I'm glad you are all settled into a nice routine. They may change their minds about moving in time. They are young still and it's a comfort to most kids when they come to a home they feel safe and comfortable in.
Oh Joel, it doesn't really matter what you call yourself as long as you love and care for them. You are in the process of evolving that's all. It happens to all of us. You are correct, they probably won't really appreciate you until they are older, totally natural. You are such a great example for them, don't sell yourself short. ❤ Maybe you should start a group for people in this same situation. I could totally see value in that.
I love this video. I totally agree with what you say. It is a big change to have suddenly taking care of two children. When we see them on your videos, they are always having fun. It seems such a naturally family. Good job 👍
You are so wonderfully self aware Joel. You are also a great example for me on my journey to becoming a more self actualized gay man. Thank you very much for so eloquently sharing and for just being you.
I have no experience to add to the topic. But it was just a while ago you were so against using the word stepparent. It is good to see you embrace it. I hope you continue to get along well with everyone and it all works out!
I remember when Joel said he wanted to be like the cool uncle, it's cute that he's now getting in the step dad era.I personally don't want kids, but I did once fall madly in love with a man who had a kid. Unfortunately he was straight, but he's probably the only person I would have been fine with being a step parent for his kid.
This was fun ❤ they will always have this. You’re so down to earth.
It’s Sunday in Canada and I’m watching the Great Canadian Bake Off, the British version ended here 4 weeks ago.
You're doing a great job. They're bond with you will grow over time and you'll appreciate it more and more.
I've never commented on this particular situation in your life until you brought it up. I thought it would be presumptuous to have any idea of what the dynamic truly was. I am glad you decided to talk about it. I guess maybe taking your clues from the kids and Keegan, or even their mum as well. But you all care for each other very much, and that's a great start and doesn't really need a label. That being said I think you're a great person and role model for any young person. And you're doing great being a human in this family, we need to find a new word. Found-dad?
I don't know...labels are problematic. Thanks for this positive and insightful video. 😊❤
You're lucky that the kids are old enough to give you their honest opinion when you ask if you're crossing a line. Even if the answer is uncomfortable, at least it's out in the open. Communication is the key!
Love the insight you have shown and the honesty with which you answered these questions. Have a great week Joel.
Joel, it was interesting hearing your thoughts on the subject, thinking it also shows how invested you are with your new life and with Tayla and
Fletcher being a big part of that. I am not a step parent, but I come from my parents getting divorced, so it is important to hear what a step parent feels about it all. I appreciated your honesty, and was thinking along the same lines had I been in your place. What I am saying is you will be fine, you come from a loving family, and they are just a text or phone call away if you are in need of extra support. I applaud you for caring enough to make the effort, and I'm sure Tayla and Fletcher feel the same. Thanks for taking us along, really was fascinating.
Good answers. None were harsh. They were realistic and well thought out. You're getting good at this parenting and adulting.
My stepparenting journey was very strange, so I can relate to some of your ideas.
Thank you for sharing your personal insights and experience, I've wanted to hear this for so long!!
This was a good conversation. Good luck going forward with your family.
Thanks for sharing, Joel. In my opinion, this is one of your best videos.
Life can be/is strange, turn a corner 5 seconds before or later does sometimes change life forever, just enjoy it all and count your blessings. 'just when you least expect it, just what you least expect' to quote the Pet Shop Boys!
Thank you for being so candid and honest. From my perspective, you have shown great depth while navigating these new relationships. I think you are all fortunate to have each other during this stage of your lives. Good work!
I loved this video! I think one day sooner or later they will start to come to you for advice and life problems, maybe they already have, but those are the times you’ll feel most like a step-dad and you’ll be great at it! My friend is in a similar situation and now many years later she is closer to her partners daughter than ever! There is something about being able to be honest with a parent figure that isn’t a parent that opens people up!
I have two step son's and i underdstand this whole heartedly!!
Thanks for doing this video. My partner and I are in the same exact boat. I come to the relationship with two teenagers from a previous marriage. He is younger than me and has jumped in to co-parenting with both feet. We use Bonus Dad instead of Step, in case you didn’t love the older terminology. Our best to all 4 of you! 🥰
Loved this video, thank you for sharing this perspective!!
16:09 I understand completely what you mean. I appreciate the fact that you have created this video. Because I am the same way. I do not want to have my own children, but I am a caregiver/career and this video is definitely helpful. So thank you for posting/uploading it.
1:04 Idk I hear about a fellow Gen Z getting married or entering a new family and I think: “BUT WE ARE BABIES! The ‘90s were 10 years ago!”
Two things: first, my impression from their brief appearances on your videos is that Tayla and Fletcher are unusually good kids. You got lucky in that regard. Second, your initial attitude was right. You're not the parent. You respect the parents, and you respect the kids. Yours is a different role, and you seem to be doing fine at it. They probably appreciate that you're relaxed about it.
I'm sure the kids will have very fond memories of you when they are older. You are so kind and caring. I love this video!😊❤
Hi Joel, with you basically from day one, love following ur journey... how you have grown and you're a great role model for keegans children 😘 xx
Thank you Clare, that's really kind!
It’s so worth talking about and your doing a great job🥰
You know that Shakespeare quote, “all the world’s a stage”? I really take that to heart. We have so many different roles we play, depending on the situation (scene) and other people (actors). We’re always our own person, but we change a little, right? :) The fact that you’re considering these things is the important part ❤
You just never know when your life will completely change. Most everything changed for you fairly quickly. I think you’ve coped with it very well. ❤
Joel your chats as always are so informative and entertaining we. Can all see the slide into "the M" word lol
Keegan's kids are soo lucky to have you as a "friend". It also validates your love for Keegan when you do those little sactifices, and the kids do appreciate it now and much more in the future. For me, the label "stepdad" only becomes true when you are truly their friend and they won't really care whether you see yourself as a stepdad or not.❤ and also funny thing is, its true that kids do not really think that their parents have their ien lives to live, lol, they do not even think their parents do not have sex, LOL!
its so obvious that you love the kids and you will grow into the role, whatever that will be. You are a lovely guy and Im sure a wonderful addition to your family.
I 100% relate to the thought that you would like people to slot into your life and think of you as much as you do into all of their lives.! I married a man with 2 little ones when I had no kids and everything did always center around them and their needs, which although it’s perfectly normal and necessary, it does make you feel a little left out and that you give so much more than you get. It’s just the nature of the dynamics unfortunately. You are correct, you will need to take care of yourself and not forget to fill your own cup. Keegan can also help by giving you his understanding and support. That will go a long way to make up for the unevenness of the situation that just can’t be any other way. You have figured it out in a year where it took me 5-10 years-hang in there because kids do grow up and leave for college and begin their own lives, then it becomes a more even playing field when everyone is more emotionally mature. You can finally have grown-up relationships full of tons of love. And the kids will tell you how much they appreciate your role in their lives which feels really nice as a stepparent ❤
Wow that's really helpful to read, Melissa! Despite step-parents being very common, no one seems to talk about it and the hard parts! Thank you ❤️
I thought you presented this subject beautifully, Joel. It has a lot of layers and certainly is not easy to navigate. But it’s evident that you care very deeply about Keegan and the kids, and I’m sure they’re thrilled to count you as part of the family. You’ll figure it all out along the way. Be kind to yourself and enjoy your week! 😊
Thanks so much Chris! Yeah it's a strange one to talk about publicly, but reading everyones comments has made me realise it was a good thing to talk about!!
I enjoyed this video, mainly due to the fact I can relate to you in a way. My husband & I adopted two boys when they were 10 & seven (they are 17 & 14 now). One day, it was just us two & then suddenly it was four. In the beginning, we talked a lot about setting our relationship at their pace, and that worked out well for us. It seems you're doing a great job with them. ❤
I’m impressed with how much you have thought and researched about this topic in order to have a healthy relationship with your partner and his kids. You’re a good guy Joel.
The obvious stress of ur mind going a mile a minute on the subject is wat makes u a step dad. You're awesome n I'm sure ur a great step dad to them both❤
haha yeah I suppose if I didn't care about my 'role' then I wouldn't overthink it so much!!
@@TheJoelWood absolutely
VERY interesting video. When the kids are old enough, and of course with their consent, I would love to see a video with y'all talking about these things.
I loved this video. Love your openness and honesty. I rarely express my feelings with anyone. Not that I'm dealing with being a stepfather . Just really enjoy your videos and your family dynamic. And your mom is beautiful. Love your birthday video. Wishing you much happiness on your journey with Keegan and your new family. ❤
Thanks so much! That's very kind!
I never been in this situation, but I think it would be good idea when the time is right that the four of you to sit down and have a talk about your role in this blended family. I think this would be a chance for you to get some answers to the questions you asked during this video. You should let Keegan's children know how much you care about them. Thanks for sharing this Joel, maybe you should share this video with them. Maybe a topic for HHH?
Joel, please keep talking. I'm a step mum and I'm oh so glad to hear someone else has the same feelings that I did and somewhat still do. None of my friends are step parents and they all chastise me for some of the things I've said. Glad to know I'm not alone . Thank you.
As someone who was once in your situation BY choice, I did everything you are attempting to explain freely without ever having justify myself to others. if conversations are being had, boundaries are being reviewed & you know your why, nothing else matters. If you are doing it because YOU want to, everything else is just piffle. And there are always solutions, like switching into the bigger car, etc. The bond is what matters. It’s either there or it’s not. And with everything online, there are groups to whom you CAN relate.
Joel…love your perspectives on this. The kids are lucky to have you in their lives. I have a feeling they know you care for them and they understand your role of making their dad happy! I know you do…but you should appreciate how well your parents have done in raising you to be such a loving and caring person
Great video, and I enjoy the single-topic format. It makes for a good podcast style experience. I didn't love the wavy text, but everything else was great.
Joel, you have opened my eyes a bit, Thank You! I have a son from a previous relationship and never gave it much thought on how my husband has had to deal with my son for the past 20 years.
Joel, You answered a lot of the questions I had and a few I hadn't thought of. Thanks!
This would seem a really good topic for you and Keegan to discuss on your 3H Pod & channel.
I follow several two-dad families on YT. Two families were created from adoption (one of those fostering first). Three families were created via surrogacy. You and Keegan are the only family I follow with kids from a former marriage.
The number of subs for all these tells me there's a huge interest in parenting in the gay community. I'm from the generation that had never thought such family options would have ever been a realistic dream.
*VISIBILITY OF HAPPY HEALTHY FAMILY LIFE DOES SO MUCH GOOD WHEN THE WORLD IS FACING SO MUCH HATE AND STRIFE.*
Very interesting vlog, Joel, thanks for sharing it. My perspective is that anyone who would take the time to research a topic they’re concerned about, read a book about it, and discuss it for 30 minutes in a vlog, is someone who already has the answers they need. Your thoughtfulness and careful consideration of your feelings and those of everyone involved tells me that you’re doing exactly what you should be doing, and there’s no need to worry about labels. Just follow your instincts, and I think you’ll see that Tayla and Fletcher will be better off for it. ❤❤❤
Joel, all your concerns have validity, of course. Hope you can see your new parenting life as a compliment by Keegan, and the kid's mom... They obviouly are trusting you with their most precious aspects in life; what a compliment to you. All of what you are expriencing is coming from beautiful a place of love you have with Keegan. I've only 'just' discovered you and Keegan(Happy Healthy Homo was my gateway, btw). You and Keegan share beautiful energy; Tayla. and Fletcher are lucky to be around such great giving energy. Kudos to all of you!!!
I so appreciate your vulnerability and really enjoyed this video!
I highly enjoy your chat Joel
Loved the video. Like you I've never had the parent bug and wanted kids. I think you already answered your questions. It's all a matter of time. Your building memories and your looking after there best interests. So all these things will come in time. Your doing a great job. And always remember kids learn by example so you & K have a great relationship and I'm sure the kids are very happy that there mom and dad are happy. That's all they want at heart. So the day will come when they are 30 and say wow Joel was cool growing up. And you definitely are giving and showing purpose in the kids lives. Give yourself a break. You are doing good. And all parents learn as they grow.
imo what's most important is how you feel about the kids, not whatever label anyone wants to put onto the relationships you have with them. They're very fortunate to have extra people in their lives who love them.
This was a fascinating episode for me as your story resonated a lot with some of my own experience. I met a man when I was 21 and he was 29 newly divorced with two young daughters 6 and 8 at the time. He was from Yorkshire, myself London. He had joint custody but was in the armed forces so when he had the kids it was for weekends. When he left the forces we would have the kids a whole summer. I can totally relate to 'what am I to them'? and the role of disciplining. In the same way you kind of have to learn as you go when you're a biological parent it's the same when you're a step parent I think. I've never wanted my own children, just never felt that pull or urge and I quite liked being able to be 'part time'.
I definitely think that getting your own joint home together will help you both, I don't want to say imposter syndrome, maybe I mean visitor syndrome. Like, you're fully integrated but it's not quite fully 50/50, add that with the parenting thing I can see how you might feel a little loss of identity on occasion.
I was in a relationship with a partner who had a daughter, so I understand where you are coming from. She was 6 when I met her dad, and we were together for 7 years. I did care for his daughter very much. I left that relationship over 23 years ago, and the daughter and I still keep in touch. She loves to remember the times we had doing things together. While we were together, my partner’s mother passed away, and she left some jewelry for her granddaughter, I promised his mother that I would keep it safe until she turned 21. Well when she was old enough I scheduled a time to meet with her to give her the jewelry. She still lives that I did that.
I am a stepmother to 3 children and I have 1 of my own who has a stepdad as well (my husband). I didn't raise my step children they where all grown and out of the house when my husband and I started dating. It does have it challenges, but the most important thing is communication and letting them know they can express their options and will be heard. Sounds like you are doing great--keep it up! :)
I respect your points of view, Joel. Keegan's kids are an extension of Keegan and you care about them. I was in 2 relationships with men who had kids and I cared about them, but didn't see them long enough to form a bond of "love" for them. It's totally normal. 😊
You are completely right...there's not much info about this "out there". When my wife became a step parent, she had previously decided that she didn't want to have children of her own, but she met me and I came with 2 sons of 12 & 13. She became their "sounding board" and a respected adult "friend". My oldest son even had her as his "best person" at his wedding.
This is good content for people to see. Interesting topic and great video.
I can fully relate as a step parent. I married my wife and she had a son 3 and a daughter 5. I had no children and I was 28 at the time and so was my wife. Only difference was my wife had come from a terrible situation with domestic violence was involved, so there was that to contend with. We were married in 2000, so I practically raised these kids, there was some visitation with the father. I never developed any relationship with him at all. He eventually stopped picking up the kids and dropped out of their lives leaving me as the sole father figure. I’d be the first to say I didn’t know what I was doing, but I loved them and I did accept them as my own. However, I always felt like an outsider. It was always those three had such a tightly knit relationship, then me on the outside looking in constantly. Once the kids graduated high school and became adults, they never did see me as as father figure. No matter what I did. So, I just loved them anyway.
You are sweet and caring. Tayla and Fletcher are obviously comfortable with you and your relationship with Keegan. Welcome to step-parenthood. Don't worry, you are doing fine.