Why Don't We Listen To Our Parents?
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- Опубліковано 1 чер 2024
- Xisuma Says Playlist ► • Xisuma Says
@xisumavoid shares his thoughts on multitasking and what could be described as a light form of psychological reactance and confirmation bias, where an individual has a tendency to disregard advice from close sources like family and friends but listens when the same advice comes from an external source.
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0:00 Multitasking or splitting attention?
1:40 Disregarding advice from people close to you
5:05 The effect of parasocial relationships on the matter
5:51 Outro
#xisumasays #reluctance #psycological - Ігри
I feel like when someone close to me gives me advice, it feels belittling because it's coming from the perspective of someone who 'thinks they know me'. When advice is given from a complete stranger, it's already assumed they know nothing about you. It makes it much easier to digest advice when it doesn't feel like someone is judging you or claiming they would live your life better (even if they aren't, it just feels that way).
That's a solid perspective! :-)
that's a really good point, i think i don't listen to my parents because they think they know what's best for me and it's like they're telling me to act a specific way, when it someone else you get to listen to what they say and form your own opinion since it doesn't really matter to them what you do in the end, that seems to make sense for me at least
In some cases, parents happen to know you too well, leading to their advices piercing straight through your soul. It makes you feel insecure, exposed and that you need to defend yourself, so you refuse to listen. When the same words are played by a stranger, you don't feel that way because they don't know you, they are just throwing their advices out there and you just happen to need them. Basically you need the advices without being read like a book.
I just had a random thought whose mode of expression embodies itself:
Talking on the internet is thrilling because every message is like a message in a bottle. You don’t know if/who will reply and ya just kinda lob it out there.
i listened to my parents until my early twenties and learnt in therapy how very twisted their idea of who I am was.
i think some parents, at least mine, just spam you with advice that would have helped _them_. a lot of advice in general is usually people trying to deter others from doing something they themselves think about as a mistake when they did it.
haven’t listened to them for a few years now and I’ve never been better.
On the multitasking thing: It's very important the the different tasks use different parts of the brain. When I was in college, I could do maths homework while listening to youtube videos. But anything to do with writing, or studying theory, I couldn't do while listening to videos, because the part of my brain that processes words is trying to do multiple things at once.
So true, it was tricky for me to find something I could listen to while writing.
When I tackle writing or any form of assignment really, it either has to be completely silent or heavy metal (without lyrics). Words scramble my brain, and it boggles my mind how so many people can think manually while having spoken language flow into their ears.
very true, and doing things this way helps me so much to manage my ADHD and go through doing the chores.
Never realised why i liked listening to music whilst doing math homework but not when doing other homework. Thank you
Great point. I have to listen to instrumental music without lyrics when I write or read.
You're spot on in your observation. Here's why we often resist parental advice: It's essential for our growth into well-adjusted adults. As children, we're governed by emotions and blind obedience. We outgrow these, prioritizing critical thinking and autonomy. It's through reasoning and experience that we forge our path to independence.
Not me over here listening to this at work...
"Oh Xisuma in the Nether, what it is your wisdom"
I don't listen to my parents because they don't listen to me. I'm essentially a stranger to them, they don't know me. They think they know me better than I know me. But I don't let them know me.
Man, its been years since i watched hermitcraft. Having to break away from (games, shows, streams, etc.) stuff to pass GCSE’s lol, but i just got a notif of this vid so i guess ill watch it.
I just wanna say/blurt out in this comment, thanks xisuma. I feel like it was watching your talk channel that allowed me to gain more original thought than be someone who just blindly agrees to things. I feel like (and im sure this is not the case and the real answer must be something more complicated) watching your talks allowed me to gain ‘maturity’ and understand that its ok to be different or think differently, rather than to downplay others for thier opinions (i was around 12-13 when i first saw your channel, 16 now, time flies). I would say much more, but rn im losing time and my heads running out of words, so, agian, thabks king!
2:06 true, my parents always say "I told you that" when I go and tell them something someone told me, it's about impact, when someone else you don't have a big connection tells you something you are open instead of already thinking on a comeback
I think it depends on the environment you are brought up in. I listen to my family a lot because they have always given good advice. However, I was brought up in a very open way where no subject was taboo if approached correctly and appropriately. Unfortunately many people don't have that luxury.
i think that we see people close to us as more fallible
Sometimes, my kids will act like I'm annoying, but then they will tell their friends things that I have said.
I was literally going to sleep but it seems not now
I find it interesting how a parent can learn from a child just like how a child learns from a parent.
With my brain, I can only really multitask, if I’m not doing two things or something that is either very entertaining (like a HC video) or hard (like a test). I normally do studying while listening to a stream but not being active in the chat.
I agree with a lot of the thoughts in this video. I want to add on a few ideas to the question of “why don’t we take the advice of people close to us?”
In my limited experience, most people rarely ever give advice to those around them; when they do, it can often be interpreted as a critique of the person being advised, instead of genuine advice.
Personally, I find it much harder to accept advice when it feels like the purpose of it is to insult me. It causes me to automatically become defensive and to come up with reasons as to why the advice is wrong, even if the person is actually intending to make my life better.
On the other hand, advice given by someone you don’t know, who is addressing either you (who they see as a random stranger), or they’re addressing a broader audience.
It is much easier to accept that something about the decisions you make or the way you think is inherently wrong when the people giving advice aren’t criticizing you specifically, but rather, criticizing a very specific thing that you might be doing, while also offering an alternative to that action or method of thought.
Im not sure if this has much effect on it, but many parents do tend to in some ways infantilize their children or act as if the parent is always correct, even if theyre not, or if the kid has a genuinely good point. Some of it may be that we want to prove our autonomy and intelligence, and may deny our parents advice because of it, especially if the parents have been wrong in the past or are excessively strict or authoritarian. I am very lucky to have a mother who for as long as i remember has treated me as a human being and would often seriously take into consideration the things i said, even as a child, which i think has helped me a lot to become the person i am. I am much more likely to take advice (if i agree with it) from her than my dad, who has been pretty terrible to us a lot. Though i do think the point about seeing family as normal and others as special has a lot of truth to it too--its likely due partially to us seeing our families flaws, day by day, big and small, vs with others we may only see few flaws, and with social media people have a more deliberate process of sharing something with others, which means they will very rarely post anything bad--which is entirely normal with how social media works, not (usually) a bad thing (people with bad intentions can take advantage of that situation however)
nah xisuma is the internet dad of wisdom
I am 24 and I never thought to think about it in this way. Thank you for opening my eyes.
That bit about multitasking is spot on! We learned about it in my psych class, and we do, in fact, just "jump" between tasks, rather than multitasking.
It's like how you get good ideas when you're absolutely doing nothing that requires thought. So your thoughts are free to go about.
When you're doing things like this you're sitting there and listening. When it's someone you know, you try to think of how to talk and stuff. So I think we should listen more.
I feel like there is a large disconnect between myself and my immediate family. I listen to my Aunt, Uncle and younger cousin more because I feel like they understand how my brain works in a sense, even though they are rarely around me. I feel like my parents don’t have the time/energy/capability to understand me, so I just don’t bother with their advice. Their advice normally doesn’t really help, often because I already tried it and knew it wouldn’t work.
100% solid insights! 👌 There's a bunch of reasons why it's more difficult to take advice seriously from familiar sources. And yep, multi tasking doesn't happen. Hit those books, young 'un! It'll be worth it in the end 😂 🤙
Even when cleaning though, you’re paying more attention to the audio book than to the cleaning. It seems to work because you don’t need to pay as much attention to the cleaning to do it right, but I think your brain is probably still switching. I’m not judging, I do it too. But I do think it’s still accurate to say that multitasking doesn’t truly work like we think it does.
went into this video thinkin "oh ima catch up on all the X videos school made me miss instead of studying for my massive exam soon" and immediately got hit with the "go study!"
I wonder if it’s a subconscious wondering if someone has an ulterior motive. Like if my dad gives me some advice, partially perhaps because I know him well enough to know his prejudices, somewhere in the back of my mind I can’t help but wonder if he’s trying to change my behaviour for some other reason. But getting an outside perspective from someone who has little to no real connection to you allows you to take in that advice without worrying about that.
I put this video on to multitask and then you said that about multitasking and I was like.... oh yeah,,, damn it
Ive had these thoughts, and i think this resistance to parents or parental figures is because they dont lead by example. At least in my experience ive had many parental figures give the best advice but not lead by example, so i “loose” respect for them. As said in the video, external sources seem vague so i can make a picture of them in my head as this advice.
My attention is being split either way. I'd rather do multiple things not very well than one thing not very well.
I thought of an interesting parenting idea, not sure of its ethocal though. You go on your child's account and try and find videos that promote the things you want them to know. Then, when your child goes on youtube theyll see them and have this effect applied
Ever thought of putting xisumasays on Spotify as a podcast?
I think it’s because we know those people too well. I’m not going to take my mother's advice on memory as seriously when I’ve seen her spend 10 minutes looking for the sunglasses she’s currently wearing.
5:03 so true, I had this theory to comment, but glad I watched the whole video.
When you do several things at once, you're jumping between two things. Like watching this video; I should be doing my English hw, but because I'm watching a video, the quality will be poorer than if I am solely focusing on my work as my attention is split 50: 50/60:40 on video:homework attention. Compare this to 100% focus on my homework? Huge difference.
You can multitask things that involve procedural memory, but not things that involve cognition.
I think there is some confusion between multitasking and prioritization. In my engineering job, it is expected that you're solving multiple problems with different deadlines simultaneously. Multitasking doesn't mean you're killing it in several different areas concurrently. It means you can only tackle one thing at a time but you understand which order to tackle things such that you meet each objective at the needed time. A good engineer can attack one problem at a time. A great engineer can attack a sequence of problems in series and schedule them in a way that they don't become overwhelmed. What does this have to do with listening to your parents? Absolutely nothing. As a parent, I can tell you that a child's purpose is to rebel from their parents just as a citizen should rebel from their government. Raising a child is a constant barrage of of rebellion and negotiation and putting your foot down. Is it rewarding? Yes. Is it tiresome? Yes. Is it worth it? Well, the world keeps turning so ...
I think this is why therapy is very good.
I think it's not that mysterious that people rather listen to strangers for self-help and life advice than own family or loved ones. This stuff makes one vulnerable. It's very easy to receive advice behind a computer or reflect upon that in your own space and safety. Yet most of us have our defence mechanisms engaged when interacting with people who know us, see us, care about us or who we fear can hurt us or worse judge us in a way we are not prepared to for a multitude of reasons. A podcast is not going to make us accountable for healing and getting better and showing up in a healthier way for others, the actual people who care in our lives might.
New episode! :D
Humans are not made to multitask, period. So how do some people do it? Well, muscle memory... We can clean the home or run on a threadmill while listening to an audiobook book, or a lesson, so surely listening to a podcast or music which tend to need less concentration. I see it like outsourcing the activity to somewhere other than the brain. So to answer your viewer... Homework needs brain and the stream is by definition a distraction for the brain, that's not compatible!
We all hated homework. But while in school, we all had to do it, it's just the duties of the student. Work has even more duties, so just enjoy the time in school when all you have to do is homework 😛
You also get to enjoy the stream more if the homework is out of the way... like... leave for 30min, 1 hour, or whatever, and focus on that alone, and then come back.
Being an adult now, i appreciate so much more the opportunity to give full attention to one thing. Even if it's work or a mandatory task that I need to focus on. The way to do it without stress, to me, starts by giving full attention to that thing while it's being done, so i also don't think about better things that i could be doing, or what i can do if I finish fast... Things don't disappear, so I just try to not mix anymore.
The stream will be there after, and maybe he can talk about what he did in his homework after it's over, in the stream (instead of talking about not wanting to do it, join the club buddy 😅). Giving full attention to something, means that we also gain from it, like learning stuff to talk about.
I feel that a lot of the advice I've received has been pretty poor whether it's come from people I know or not. Sometimes you meet people who can't or don't want to understand your problems or perspective, but they feel obliged to give you advice anyway because it make them feel less bad. If you don't take the advice and continue to struggle... well then they're able to resolve their own psychological distress by concluding that it's your own stupid fault. That's very often the purpose of the advice. It's not about helping you at all.
Okay Dad
That “weird resistance” thing that you talked about, resisting parents-it’s called sin. We do that because we are tempted to sin and we give in. We need Jesus’ help to be transformed.
It’s not healthy to put the opinions of strangers ahead of your own family and community. Albeit, being open minded and seeking the truth is good. Don’t hear me saying that’s bad. But being anti-authoritarian is not healthy, and when this person does despise authority and is suspicious of their community, then this leads to a destruction of their identity which leads to psychological harm. They will then seek a new identity and this land them in a desperate spot because we all desire identity and meaning like water and food. It isn’t God’s good will for us to be left without meaning or purpose or community in this world. We need His help to love those around us, our family, community, strangers, foreigners, and even our enemies.
We need Jesus. He can repair these broken family relationships.
not trying to bring my religion into this, or anything, but modern people’s behavior was predicted a loooooong time ago
“You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful.”
2 Timothy 3:1-5
i mean this is just people’s behavior, not modern
and people in literally every culture and religion has made this observation!